1 00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:04,200 Speaker 1: You know, I've seen and heard many different versions of 2 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:08,279 the Sandwich generation. But what I really didn't realize was 3 00:00:08,320 --> 00:00:13,240 that I thought the Sandwich generation or Sandwich generation was, 4 00:00:13,640 --> 00:00:16,440 you know, you're a young family, you're taking care of kids, 5 00:00:16,480 --> 00:00:20,399 your parents have aged, and you then want to take 6 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:21,760 you you know, kind of feel like you have to 7 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:23,800 take care of your parents, so caring for kids and 8 00:00:23,839 --> 00:00:27,399 aging parents at the same time. But what I didn't 9 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:33,000 expect was adding a third level to that Sandwich in so, 10 00:00:33,439 --> 00:00:37,560 I still I still take care of my kids. They're adults, 11 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:40,520 they're forty one and almost forty or thirty nine. Oh 12 00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:44,159 my gosh, they're adults, but I still have that need 13 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,799 to hear what's going on in their life and help 14 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,280 them and talk to them and try to guide them. 15 00:00:49,359 --> 00:00:51,679 Speaker 2: Oh so that's one level. 16 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:56,679 Speaker 1: Then I have six grandchildren that I so badly want 17 00:00:56,719 --> 00:00:59,799 to stay in contact with. The six year old in particular, 18 00:01:01,119 --> 00:01:06,120 I read books. I read books with him via FaceTime, 19 00:01:06,239 --> 00:01:08,159 you know, two or three or four times a week. 20 00:01:08,439 --> 00:01:11,319 I have a twenty year old granddaughter who I try 21 00:01:11,319 --> 00:01:12,799 to you know, text her and try to keep in 22 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:14,879 contact with her, and all the way in between. We 23 00:01:14,879 --> 00:01:19,319 have twenty fourteen twelve, almost ten, six and three and 24 00:01:19,400 --> 00:01:22,319 trying to keep in contact and in their lives as 25 00:01:22,400 --> 00:01:23,519 much as you possibly can. 26 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:25,439 Speaker 2: And then I still have my mom. 27 00:01:25,519 --> 00:01:28,840 Speaker 1: Sadly, my dad passed in July, but my mom, who 28 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:34,439 is eighty four. Physically she's getting weaker, you can notice it, 29 00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:37,719 but mentally she's with it, and I want to take 30 00:01:37,719 --> 00:01:39,400 care of her. So all of a sudden, I have 31 00:01:39,439 --> 00:01:43,319 a three level sandwich and I didn't. 32 00:01:43,959 --> 00:01:45,400 Speaker 2: I didn't think about that. 33 00:01:45,359 --> 00:01:47,799 Speaker 1: When I retired, because when I retired, I thought that 34 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:51,719 it would be just freedom and fun, and it is, 35 00:01:52,439 --> 00:01:56,920 but I just wasn't prepared for Maybe it's the guilt 36 00:01:57,120 --> 00:02:01,239 that I feel. Maybe it's the responsibility that I feel. 37 00:02:01,359 --> 00:02:05,400 It's definitely some pressure that I feel. 38 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,400 Speaker 2: And I guess. 39 00:02:08,159 --> 00:02:13,879 Speaker 1: Nobody really talked about how that doesn't stop and retirement. 40 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,199 I never used to think or never thought about it 41 00:02:16,479 --> 00:02:19,319 until it happens to me. So in today's video, Wow, 42 00:02:19,319 --> 00:02:21,960 that was a long introduction. In today's video, we're going 43 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,879 to talk about how that sandwich generation doesn't just go away, 44 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,080 and a little bit about why it's there and some 45 00:02:28,159 --> 00:02:31,879 things we can do to make ourselves feel better. I'm 46 00:02:31,879 --> 00:02:35,120 worried Debradskith. This is life starts at retirement. I produce 47 00:02:35,159 --> 00:02:40,879 a retirement lifestyle video once a week. So with regards 48 00:02:40,919 --> 00:02:44,879 to that Sandwich generation, there's times where I just feel fabulous. 49 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,520 Everything is in a row. My mom feels taking care 50 00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:50,639 of the grandkids, are busy, my own kids are thriving. 51 00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:55,439 But then there's some times where all of that guilt, 52 00:02:55,599 --> 00:03:02,520 all of that pressure, it just intensifies. Oh my gosh. Again, 53 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:05,039 my own kids, although they're adults now, you know, something 54 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:08,919 happens at work, or something happens to one of the kids, 55 00:03:09,000 --> 00:03:12,960 or they know their car broke down, something happens, and 56 00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:17,240 I just feel pressure. And then my grandkids they're playing 57 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,159 hockey and I'm not there right now, and I just 58 00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:23,319 want to see them, and another one's horseback riding, and 59 00:03:23,439 --> 00:03:26,400 oh and then the older ones in college now and 60 00:03:26,719 --> 00:03:30,360 I want to hear it all they need support and attention. 61 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,879 Speaker 2: And my mom, Oh my gosh. 62 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,680 Speaker 1: I recently went on a cruise with my sister and 63 00:03:35,719 --> 00:03:37,000 my mom and it was great. 64 00:03:37,319 --> 00:03:38,439 Speaker 2: But then when I let. 65 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,240 Speaker 1: Her watched her walk to her little gate to the airport, 66 00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:44,719 I spoke my face off because then I feel more 67 00:03:44,759 --> 00:03:49,400 pressure again, like, oh my goodness, health changes, memory changes, 68 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:57,719 independence fades, and suddenly, suddenly the vision I had for 69 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:01,680 retirement it starts filling up up, but not with meetings 70 00:04:01,759 --> 00:04:03,280 or anything like it used to do with work, but 71 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:07,439 with people and with people you love. And that that 72 00:04:07,439 --> 00:04:11,479 that's such the that's such the hard thing, because here 73 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,080 here's one of the things I really didn't expect, although 74 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:18,639 I should have expected. This is me but guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, 75 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:23,079 guilt when I'm traveling. When I when I'm going and 76 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:25,399 I'm like, I think, if you've watched my tunnel, you know, 77 00:04:25,439 --> 00:04:28,240 I'm a guest lecturer on cruise ships, so we travel often. 78 00:04:28,439 --> 00:04:31,319 But when I'm traveling, I feel guilty. I'm not there 79 00:04:31,319 --> 00:04:33,360 with my kids. I'm not there with my grandkids. Sometimes 80 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,519 I'm overseas and we can't you know, time zone, et cetera, 81 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:37,279 and I can't. 82 00:04:37,079 --> 00:04:37,600 Speaker 2: Talk to them. 83 00:04:37,879 --> 00:04:41,439 Speaker 1: Guilty. If I say no to somebody, I feel guilty. 84 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:45,040 If I don't help enough, I feel guilty. If I 85 00:04:45,079 --> 00:04:48,040 help too much, I feel guilty because I get tired, 86 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:49,519 and then I get maybe grounty. 87 00:04:50,439 --> 00:04:51,639 Speaker 2: I just can't win. 88 00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:54,040 Speaker 1: And the more this happens, it happens right here the 89 00:04:54,079 --> 00:04:56,839 more it, it just goes on and on and on 90 00:04:56,959 --> 00:04:59,720 and on. And so for me, I thought, Okay, I 91 00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,040 find reached retirement. 92 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:02,920 Speaker 2: Whoa, this is what I've worked so hard for. 93 00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:06,920 Speaker 1: And I feel so pulled in so many different directions. 94 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,439 And really it's no one else other than me that's 95 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,199 making me feel pulled. My kids fully support what I do, 96 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:15,519 my mom realizes the life that I have to have, 97 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,839 et cetera. I feel the guilt. I want to enjoy 98 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,000 my freedom, but I also want to be present there. 99 00:05:22,199 --> 00:05:23,519 I want to travel, but. 100 00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:24,920 Speaker 2: I want to be available. 101 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:30,800 Speaker 1: I want to be everything to everyone, and sometimes what 102 00:05:30,879 --> 00:05:34,600 goes on in here, that internal tension is just exhausting. 103 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:41,279 Not necessarily physically exhausting, it's emotionally exhausting. You know, let's 104 00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:42,879 talk a little bit about my mom. A. But when 105 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:51,959 when your parents' age, something really humbling happens, something scary happens, 106 00:05:52,040 --> 00:05:56,959 you see it happens, you see it, and I want 107 00:05:56,959 --> 00:05:59,319 to be a support for my mom. My mom's alone 108 00:05:59,399 --> 00:06:02,560 right now and watching, first of all, watching my dad 109 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:07,519 decline was horrific. He had dementia very badly and it 110 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,800 was horrible. It was absolutely horrible. So watching him decline 111 00:06:10,839 --> 00:06:14,360 was horrible. And now I can see my mom physically, 112 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:17,360 not mentally, so a different kind of decline, but I 113 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:18,560 can see her decline. 114 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:20,040 Speaker 2: She needs help with appointments. 115 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,720 Speaker 1: We're talking about getting her more help in the house, 116 00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:26,680 potentially at some point going into a facility. 117 00:06:28,399 --> 00:06:30,079 Speaker 2: It's really really. 118 00:06:30,199 --> 00:06:34,720 Speaker 1: Hard, and there's grief in watching it. And yet, if 119 00:06:34,759 --> 00:06:37,920 I'm honest, there's nervousness and knowing my time is just 120 00:06:38,199 --> 00:06:43,040 around the corner. So there's that thing. So there's grandkids, 121 00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:47,279 there's kids, there's that Now. Speaking of grandkids, Oh my gosh, 122 00:06:47,399 --> 00:06:51,759 my grandkids are so busy. One play soccer, to play hockey, 123 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,199 one does horseback riding. 124 00:06:53,199 --> 00:06:53,839 Speaker 2: One's in school. 125 00:06:53,879 --> 00:06:56,120 Speaker 1: One's just little and just needs all the love and 126 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:59,360 attention you can give him. They're so full of joy, 127 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:03,360 they're so full of life their energy. But oh my gosh, 128 00:07:03,439 --> 00:07:05,439 I want to be there for them. I don't want 129 00:07:05,439 --> 00:07:08,279 to be the grandma who ooh. I don't want to 130 00:07:08,279 --> 00:07:10,680 be the grandma who just watches them from a distance 131 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:11,519 growing up. 132 00:07:12,360 --> 00:07:14,040 Speaker 2: So my level of. 133 00:07:17,439 --> 00:07:20,519 Speaker 1: To massage my guilt or whatever that word is, to 134 00:07:20,639 --> 00:07:23,000 help me with some of this guilt, I've just decided 135 00:07:23,079 --> 00:07:26,279 I don't care so much within reason, I don't care 136 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:28,839 how much it costs. I'm going home quite often. So 137 00:07:28,879 --> 00:07:31,680 although I'm in Arizona a lot, I go home quite often. 138 00:07:32,079 --> 00:07:35,199 So I'm going home again. March twentieth, we're flying back 139 00:07:35,199 --> 00:07:38,319 to color flying into Edmonton. Actually this time, my six 140 00:07:38,439 --> 00:07:40,680 year old grandson is in a hockey tournament just outside 141 00:07:40,680 --> 00:07:43,279 of Edmonton. We're gonna go darn well watch that hockey tournament. 142 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,279 Then he has spring break that week. I'm taking that 143 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,839 kid and his little brother and we are going to 144 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:52,000 have some fun. Then the next weekend, I'm back in 145 00:07:52,319 --> 00:07:55,240 Edmonton again because my twelve year old grandson has a 146 00:07:55,279 --> 00:08:00,519 hockey tournament just outside of Edmonton. So that helps. That helps, 147 00:08:00,639 --> 00:08:04,240 but I just I don't know what else to do. 148 00:08:04,319 --> 00:08:08,079 I feel guilt, and again can in his logical way, 149 00:08:08,879 --> 00:08:11,439 he just doesn't feel the same level of guilt. He 150 00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:13,560 could stay in Arizona and not come home all winter, 151 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,360 and I can't. So for me, that's one of the things. 152 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:18,800 So this one kind of kills two birds with one stone. 153 00:08:18,879 --> 00:08:20,600 My mom lives in Empton, so I'm staying with my 154 00:08:20,639 --> 00:08:22,839 mom while we're there, and then I get to see 155 00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:25,600 the kids play hockey. I get to just love play 156 00:08:25,639 --> 00:08:29,680 with spoil the morotten my grandkids. So that's another one 157 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:34,279 now also in life or in my guilt, my. 158 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,799 Speaker 2: Sandwich generation is my marriage. 159 00:08:37,039 --> 00:08:38,960 Speaker 1: On top of all of that, there's can And although 160 00:08:39,039 --> 00:08:41,399 Ken and I are in a really good place right now, 161 00:08:42,039 --> 00:08:45,200 he has no like I say, he has no feelings 162 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:49,240 of guilt whatsoever. He has no not he's he's so 163 00:08:49,480 --> 00:08:51,679 at peace here and I'm so not. 164 00:08:52,159 --> 00:08:53,000 Speaker 2: Oh my gosh. 165 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:57,799 Speaker 1: So yeah, we handle things different, we are pulled in 166 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:01,120 different directions, but he just goes so easy going. I 167 00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:04,440 wish I could be that way. So retirement, though, doesn't 168 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:10,559 just change your schedule. Oftentimes it changes your priorities, and 169 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,879 just trying to navigate those just requires conversations that we 170 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,919 didn't have or didn't have to have when we were 171 00:09:16,919 --> 00:09:20,600 working full time. So for example, when I booked this 172 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:23,840 flight to Edmonton, I had talked to Ken about it 173 00:09:23,879 --> 00:09:25,080 and I said, you know, I really want to go 174 00:09:25,120 --> 00:09:27,120 watch the boys play hockey, and he goes, you go, 175 00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,159 I'm going to stay here this time. So I booked 176 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:32,200 my flight. Probably an hour later he goes, you know, 177 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,720 I'm going to come to So he booked his flight. 178 00:09:34,919 --> 00:09:38,360 So we're both going back to Edmonton. It's wonderful. But 179 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,480 it's all about balancing, I guess, and I wish I 180 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,519 could get a little bit more control about what goes 181 00:09:44,559 --> 00:09:47,799 on inside my head and the guilt of the Sandwich generation, 182 00:09:48,159 --> 00:09:49,039 because the hard. 183 00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:52,120 Speaker 2: Truth is, retirement. 184 00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:57,240 Speaker 1: Isn't about escaping escaping all of your responsibilities. You no 185 00:09:57,320 --> 00:10:01,399 longer have to work, and that's a big part the responsibilities. 186 00:10:01,679 --> 00:10:03,159 Speaker 2: But I guess it's about. 187 00:10:02,919 --> 00:10:09,159 Speaker 1: Choosing things intentionally. It's about setting up the retirement that 188 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:14,159 we want, the retirement that we can live with, and 189 00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:19,600 the retirement that makes us feel good about ourselves. And 190 00:10:19,879 --> 00:10:23,519 I'm their most days, and I'm trying hard not to 191 00:10:23,799 --> 00:10:28,919 feel the guilt too badly, not to let it become debilitating, 192 00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:31,559 and to still go and do and enjoy my life 193 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,120 because that's all what all we only, far as I know, 194 00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:37,519 we only have one life to live, and so I 195 00:10:37,559 --> 00:10:40,159 think we should enjoy it and make your retirement, like 196 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:45,120 I always say, make your retirement remarkable. So here's sort 197 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,679 of what I'm working towards. And maybe if you had 198 00:10:48,799 --> 00:10:52,639 more advice, or better advice, I would be delighted on 199 00:10:52,679 --> 00:10:57,600 how to handle this sandwich, this triple decker sandwich. But 200 00:10:57,879 --> 00:11:04,399 I'm learning or I'm trying to learn this when I'm somewhere. 201 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:08,600 When I'm in Arizona, focus on being in Arizona. Love 202 00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:13,000 your life here. Go to the classes, go golfing, go 203 00:11:13,159 --> 00:11:17,919 have fun, go to the pool. When you're somewhere, be present. 204 00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:21,799 But then that doesn't mean you have to ignore the rest. 205 00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:25,639 I call my mom every single solitary day. Okay, it's 206 00:11:25,639 --> 00:11:29,200 a ten to fifteen minute conversation every day. I read 207 00:11:29,240 --> 00:11:31,879 books with my grandson via FaceTime. I will send a 208 00:11:31,919 --> 00:11:34,639 text to all four of my grand four of my 209 00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:38,039 older grandchildren that can do texts, all four of them 210 00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,679 at least once or twice or three times a week, 211 00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:46,799 just touching base. I will text my own kids quite 212 00:11:46,879 --> 00:11:49,559 often and say, hey, you know, Dad's golfing today. If 213 00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:51,440 you guys want to talk, I can sit and yack 214 00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:55,039 for hours on end, whatever that looks like. But when 215 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:58,440 you're somewhere, be present. So when I'm in Arizona, like 216 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,159 I said, be present in Arizona. When I'm on the 217 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:04,000 phone with my grandkids, be present on the phone with 218 00:12:04,039 --> 00:12:07,480 your grandkids. When you're at hockey in Edmonton in March, 219 00:12:07,879 --> 00:12:11,720 be present at hockey in Edmonton in March for that 220 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,840 week when Carter's in spring break after the hockey tournament, 221 00:12:14,919 --> 00:12:18,200 I'm going to spoil that little stinker Rotten and same 222 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:20,639 with his little brother Levi. We're going to have so 223 00:12:21,159 --> 00:12:27,200 much fun. But wherever you are, be present, because, as 224 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:31,679 I've mentioned in many other videos, worrying and does nothing 225 00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:36,919 nothing for you. It does nothing for you. So I'm 226 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,000 actually glad in the end that I did this video today. 227 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,480 I wasn't sure I was going to because I wasn't 228 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,720 sure if I could do. 229 00:12:44,679 --> 00:12:48,639 Speaker 2: It emotionally without being an idiot. But in the end 230 00:12:48,639 --> 00:12:49,200 it's true. 231 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,480 Speaker 1: I think this is sort of the secret to if 232 00:12:52,519 --> 00:12:56,080 there is such a thing, to the Sandwich generation, is 233 00:12:56,639 --> 00:12:59,960 be present where you are. Be present where you are, 234 00:13:00,799 --> 00:13:04,080 and not even physically where you are, mentally where you are. 235 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:06,919 So if I'm golfing, be present golfing. If I'm on 236 00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:09,120 the phone to my grandson, be on the phone to 237 00:13:09,159 --> 00:13:11,960 your grandson. When I'm talking to my mom, talk to 238 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,679 my mom, be present where you are. And that allows 239 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:19,960 you to enjoy your life no matter what, because oftentimes, 240 00:13:20,039 --> 00:13:23,039 or sometimes not often, but retirement can feel heavier than 241 00:13:23,039 --> 00:13:27,279 you're expected. Really, yes, you're free from the responsibilities of work, 242 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,159 but you're not free from the responsibilities of life. 243 00:13:30,279 --> 00:13:32,159 Speaker 2: So if you're struggling, just remind. 244 00:13:31,840 --> 00:13:35,039 Speaker 1: Yourself you're not an ungrateful person, you're not a selfish person, 245 00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:40,000 but you are a human person. So if you're feeling guilty, 246 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,559 or feeling pulled in a bunch of different directions, or 247 00:13:42,559 --> 00:13:44,799 you have a three or two or three or four 248 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:48,120 level sandwich going on and you're struggling with. 249 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:49,480 Speaker 2: That, let's talk about that. 250 00:13:49,799 --> 00:13:51,639 Speaker 1: I'd love to hear what you say in the comments, 251 00:13:51,639 --> 00:13:55,840 because no one should feel alone in this stage of life. 252 00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:59,480 I'm Mariy de Gransky. This is Life Starts at Retirement. 253 00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:03,759 I produce a retirement lifestyle video once a week. Please 254 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:06,360 consider joining our Facebook group, Oh my Goodness thirty five 255 00:14:06,399 --> 00:14:09,720 thousand people Facebook dot com slash group slash Life Starts 256 00:14:09,759 --> 00:14:15,399 at Retirement and please subscribe and then look forward to 257 00:14:15,399 --> 00:14:36,080 seeing you on the next one.