Speaker 1: You know, I've seen and heard many different versions of
the Sandwich generation. But what I really didn't realize was
that I thought the Sandwich generation or Sandwich generation was,
you know, you're a young family, you're taking care of kids,
your parents have aged, and you then want to take
you you know, kind of feel like you have to
take care of your parents, so caring for kids and
aging parents at the same time. But what I didn't
expect was adding a third level to that Sandwich in so,
I still I still take care of my kids. They're adults,
they're forty one and almost forty or thirty nine. Oh
my gosh, they're adults, but I still have that need
to hear what's going on in their life and help
them and talk to them and try to guide them.
Speaker 2: Oh so that's one level.
Speaker 1: Then I have six grandchildren that I so badly want
to stay in contact with. The six year old in particular,
I read books. I read books with him via FaceTime,
you know, two or three or four times a week.
I have a twenty year old granddaughter who I try
to you know, text her and try to keep in
contact with her, and all the way in between. We
have twenty fourteen twelve, almost ten, six and three and
trying to keep in contact and in their lives as
much as you possibly can.
Speaker 2: And then I still have my mom.
Speaker 1: Sadly, my dad passed in July, but my mom, who
is eighty four. Physically she's getting weaker, you can notice it,
but mentally she's with it, and I want to take
care of her. So all of a sudden, I have
a three level sandwich and I didn't.
Speaker 2: I didn't think about that.
Speaker 1: When I retired, because when I retired, I thought that
it would be just freedom and fun, and it is,
but I just wasn't prepared for Maybe it's the guilt
that I feel. Maybe it's the responsibility that I feel.
It's definitely some pressure that I feel.
Speaker 2: And I guess.
Speaker 1: Nobody really talked about how that doesn't stop and retirement.
I never used to think or never thought about it
until it happens to me. So in today's video, Wow,
that was a long introduction. In today's video, we're going
to talk about how that sandwich generation doesn't just go away,
and a little bit about why it's there and some
things we can do to make ourselves feel better. I'm
worried Debradskith. This is life starts at retirement. I produce
a retirement lifestyle video once a week. So with regards
to that Sandwich generation, there's times where I just feel fabulous.
Everything is in a row. My mom feels taking care
of the grandkids, are busy, my own kids are thriving.
But then there's some times where all of that guilt,
all of that pressure, it just intensifies. Oh my gosh. Again,
my own kids, although they're adults now, you know, something
happens at work, or something happens to one of the kids,
or they know their car broke down, something happens, and
I just feel pressure. And then my grandkids they're playing
hockey and I'm not there right now, and I just
want to see them, and another one's horseback riding, and
oh and then the older ones in college now and
I want to hear it all they need support and attention.
Speaker 2: And my mom, Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: I recently went on a cruise with my sister and
my mom and it was great.
Speaker 2: But then when I let.
Speaker 1: Her watched her walk to her little gate to the airport,
I spoke my face off because then I feel more
pressure again, like, oh my goodness, health changes, memory changes,
independence fades, and suddenly, suddenly the vision I had for
retirement it starts filling up up, but not with meetings
or anything like it used to do with work, but
with people and with people you love. And that that
that's such the that's such the hard thing, because here
here's one of the things I really didn't expect, although
I should have expected. This is me but guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt, guilt,
guilt when I'm traveling. When I when I'm going and
I'm like, I think, if you've watched my tunnel, you know,
I'm a guest lecturer on cruise ships, so we travel often.
But when I'm traveling, I feel guilty. I'm not there
with my kids. I'm not there with my grandkids. Sometimes
I'm overseas and we can't you know, time zone, et cetera,
and I can't.
Speaker 2: Talk to them.
Speaker 1: Guilty. If I say no to somebody, I feel guilty.
If I don't help enough, I feel guilty. If I
help too much, I feel guilty because I get tired,
and then I get maybe grounty.
Speaker 2: I just can't win.
Speaker 1: And the more this happens, it happens right here the
more it, it just goes on and on and on
and on. And so for me, I thought, Okay, I
find reached retirement.
Speaker 2: Whoa, this is what I've worked so hard for.
Speaker 1: And I feel so pulled in so many different directions.
And really it's no one else other than me that's
making me feel pulled. My kids fully support what I do,
my mom realizes the life that I have to have,
et cetera. I feel the guilt. I want to enjoy
my freedom, but I also want to be present there.
I want to travel, but.
Speaker 2: I want to be available.
Speaker 1: I want to be everything to everyone, and sometimes what
goes on in here, that internal tension is just exhausting.
Not necessarily physically exhausting, it's emotionally exhausting. You know, let's
talk a little bit about my mom. A. But when
when your parents' age, something really humbling happens, something scary happens,
you see it happens, you see it, and I want
to be a support for my mom. My mom's alone
right now and watching, first of all, watching my dad
decline was horrific. He had dementia very badly and it
was horrible. It was absolutely horrible. So watching him decline
was horrible. And now I can see my mom physically,
not mentally, so a different kind of decline, but I
can see her decline.
Speaker 2: She needs help with appointments.
Speaker 1: We're talking about getting her more help in the house,
potentially at some point going into a facility.
Speaker 2: It's really really.
Speaker 1: Hard, and there's grief in watching it. And yet, if
I'm honest, there's nervousness and knowing my time is just
around the corner. So there's that thing. So there's grandkids,
there's kids, there's that Now. Speaking of grandkids, Oh my gosh,
my grandkids are so busy. One play soccer, to play hockey,
one does horseback riding.
Speaker 2: One's in school.
Speaker 1: One's just little and just needs all the love and
attention you can give him. They're so full of joy,
they're so full of life their energy. But oh my gosh,
I want to be there for them. I don't want
to be the grandma who ooh. I don't want to
be the grandma who just watches them from a distance
growing up.
Speaker 2: So my level of.
Speaker 1: To massage my guilt or whatever that word is, to
help me with some of this guilt, I've just decided
I don't care so much within reason, I don't care
how much it costs. I'm going home quite often. So
although I'm in Arizona a lot, I go home quite often.
So I'm going home again. March twentieth, we're flying back
to color flying into Edmonton. Actually this time, my six
year old grandson is in a hockey tournament just outside
of Edmonton. We're gonna go darn well watch that hockey tournament.
Then he has spring break that week. I'm taking that
kid and his little brother and we are going to
have some fun. Then the next weekend, I'm back in
Edmonton again because my twelve year old grandson has a
hockey tournament just outside of Edmonton. So that helps. That helps,
but I just I don't know what else to do.
I feel guilt, and again can in his logical way,
he just doesn't feel the same level of guilt. He
could stay in Arizona and not come home all winter,
and I can't. So for me, that's one of the things.
So this one kind of kills two birds with one stone.
My mom lives in Empton, so I'm staying with my
mom while we're there, and then I get to see
the kids play hockey. I get to just love play
with spoil the morotten my grandkids. So that's another one
now also in life or in my guilt, my.
Speaker 2: Sandwich generation is my marriage.
Speaker 1: On top of all of that, there's can And although
Ken and I are in a really good place right now,
he has no like I say, he has no feelings
of guilt whatsoever. He has no not he's he's so
at peace here and I'm so not.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: So yeah, we handle things different, we are pulled in
different directions, but he just goes so easy going. I
wish I could be that way. So retirement, though, doesn't
just change your schedule. Oftentimes it changes your priorities, and
just trying to navigate those just requires conversations that we
didn't have or didn't have to have when we were
working full time. So for example, when I booked this
flight to Edmonton, I had talked to Ken about it
and I said, you know, I really want to go
watch the boys play hockey, and he goes, you go,
I'm going to stay here this time. So I booked
my flight. Probably an hour later he goes, you know,
I'm going to come to So he booked his flight.
So we're both going back to Edmonton. It's wonderful. But
it's all about balancing, I guess, and I wish I
could get a little bit more control about what goes
on inside my head and the guilt of the Sandwich generation,
because the hard.
Speaker 2: Truth is, retirement.
Speaker 1: Isn't about escaping escaping all of your responsibilities. You no
longer have to work, and that's a big part the responsibilities.
Speaker 2: But I guess it's about.
Speaker 1: Choosing things intentionally. It's about setting up the retirement that
we want, the retirement that we can live with, and
the retirement that makes us feel good about ourselves. And
I'm their most days, and I'm trying hard not to
feel the guilt too badly, not to let it become debilitating,
and to still go and do and enjoy my life
because that's all what all we only, far as I know,
we only have one life to live, and so I
think we should enjoy it and make your retirement, like
I always say, make your retirement remarkable. So here's sort
of what I'm working towards. And maybe if you had
more advice, or better advice, I would be delighted on
how to handle this sandwich, this triple decker sandwich. But
I'm learning or I'm trying to learn this when I'm somewhere.
When I'm in Arizona, focus on being in Arizona. Love
your life here. Go to the classes, go golfing, go
have fun, go to the pool. When you're somewhere, be present.
But then that doesn't mean you have to ignore the rest.
I call my mom every single solitary day. Okay, it's
a ten to fifteen minute conversation every day. I read
books with my grandson via FaceTime. I will send a
text to all four of my grand four of my
older grandchildren that can do texts, all four of them
at least once or twice or three times a week,
just touching base. I will text my own kids quite
often and say, hey, you know, Dad's golfing today. If
you guys want to talk, I can sit and yack
for hours on end, whatever that looks like. But when
you're somewhere, be present. So when I'm in Arizona, like
I said, be present in Arizona. When I'm on the
phone with my grandkids, be present on the phone with
your grandkids. When you're at hockey in Edmonton in March,
be present at hockey in Edmonton in March for that
week when Carter's in spring break after the hockey tournament,
I'm going to spoil that little stinker Rotten and same
with his little brother Levi. We're going to have so
much fun. But wherever you are, be present, because, as
I've mentioned in many other videos, worrying and does nothing
nothing for you. It does nothing for you. So I'm
actually glad in the end that I did this video today.
I wasn't sure I was going to because I wasn't
sure if I could do.
Speaker 2: It emotionally without being an idiot. But in the end
it's true.
Speaker 1: I think this is sort of the secret to if
there is such a thing, to the Sandwich generation, is
be present where you are. Be present where you are,
and not even physically where you are, mentally where you are.
So if I'm golfing, be present golfing. If I'm on
the phone to my grandson, be on the phone to
your grandson. When I'm talking to my mom, talk to
my mom, be present where you are. And that allows
you to enjoy your life no matter what, because oftentimes,
or sometimes not often, but retirement can feel heavier than
you're expected. Really, yes, you're free from the responsibilities of work,
but you're not free from the responsibilities of life.
Speaker 2: So if you're struggling, just remind.
Speaker 1: Yourself you're not an ungrateful person, you're not a selfish person,
but you are a human person. So if you're feeling guilty,
or feeling pulled in a bunch of different directions, or
you have a three or two or three or four
level sandwich going on and you're struggling with.
Speaker 2: That, let's talk about that.
Speaker 1: I'd love to hear what you say in the comments,
because no one should feel alone in this stage of life.
I'm Mariy de Gransky. This is Life Starts at Retirement.
I produce a retirement lifestyle video once a week. Please
consider joining our Facebook group, Oh my Goodness thirty five
thousand people Facebook dot com slash group slash Life Starts
at Retirement and please subscribe and then look forward to
seeing you on the next one.