Speaker 1: Hello everyone, and welcome back to another podcast episode. My
Speaker 1: name is Alicia Gogin, the host of the Globe Secrets podcast.
Speaker 1: Who I help you expand your mind and become more
Speaker 1: self awares that you can glow up into the best
Speaker 1: version of yourself. Okay, welcome. I was gonna say, welcome
Speaker 1: to Sunday Service. Please, why do I do this? Welcome
Speaker 1: to Sunday Service. It's probably not going to be on
Speaker 1: a Sunday. It will be on Friday that I post
Speaker 1: this episode. Listen, we need to talk. We need to
Speaker 1: discuss this topic we have been discussing on the channel,
Speaker 1: but it needs to be discussed more. Which is anxious attachment,
Speaker 1: which is self abandoning, which is losing yourself in a
Speaker 1: relationship or in the phases of dating, etc. Okay, I
Speaker 1: feel like I have a good message. That's why I
Speaker 1: said Sunday Service. It's not to be taken literally, but
Speaker 1: do with it what you will. So let's start off
Speaker 1: with a little story. Okay, And this has happened many
Speaker 1: times in my life being somebody who's been anxiously attached
Speaker 1: and triggered. And you know, when you're anxiously attached and
Speaker 1: you go into that energy of you cannot function and
Speaker 1: you cannot breathe, and you cannot be calm until you
Speaker 1: have somebody reach back out to you or that text
Speaker 1: is answered, or they text you or you get an answer. Right,
Speaker 1: it's like that visceral. It's like a panic attack. Okay,
Speaker 1: I've had many of those times being somebody who's anxiously
Speaker 1: attached in her relationships. So let's bring it back to
Speaker 1: one of those times. Okay, there is this time that
Speaker 1: I was obsessing over this person that I was in,
Speaker 1: not an actual relationship with even yet, but I was
Speaker 1: just you know, focused on them and their attention and
Speaker 1: micromanaging every move and I was making meaning out of
Speaker 1: if they didn't text me that day, or why they
Speaker 1: didn't respond to this, or you know. Do you know
Speaker 1: how you get when you're anxiously attached? And I remember
Speaker 1: I was doing this for about two to three solid
Speaker 1: weeks because there was also some distance between us around time,
Speaker 1: so I feel like everything was really heightened. I feel
Speaker 1: like when you're disconnected or you don't see your person
Speaker 1: in person for a while, let's say you're long distance
Speaker 1: or whatever, you can definitely tend to get even more
Speaker 1: anxious because you don't really like see them, and you're
Speaker 1: not getting that reassurance whatever. This person was busy, this
Speaker 1: person was doing their own thing, and it was very logical.
Speaker 1: I understood that, but there was still those triggers that
Speaker 1: were happening because I was just naturally anxiously attached. So
Speaker 1: it was ongoing. Okay. The reason why I'm saying it
Speaker 1: was like two three weeks is because I just want
Speaker 1: you to like really understand the amount of deep and
Speaker 1: utter stress that I was putting myself through every day,
Speaker 1: waking up, analyzing their behaviors, analyzing texts, wondering second guessing
Speaker 1: in my worth, wondering if they were going to choose me,
Speaker 1: wondering if they still liked me. And I remember at
Speaker 1: the end of the few weeks that I was, you know,
Speaker 1: stressing every day and like you know, even talking to
Speaker 1: my friend about it and just dissecting everything. I hit
Speaker 1: a breaking point, as you usually do, right you get
Speaker 1: to point where you're so anxious where it's just like
Speaker 1: you end up crying, or you end up being like,
Speaker 1: I can't even do this anymore. You just like want
Speaker 1: to be done with it because you can't really get
Speaker 1: a response, or you can't get the feeling that you
Speaker 1: really want, which is safety essentially or reassurance or whatever
Speaker 1: the case is. And I remember when I was having
Speaker 1: this breakdown, it was so visceral. It was so loud.
Speaker 1: My anxiety was so loud. I remember sitting and just
Speaker 1: crying and crying and crying. I couldn't even stop myself
Speaker 1: from crying. It almost like I went into this like
Speaker 1: hyperventilation because I was so extremely just distraught, and I
Speaker 1: wasn't distraught really about anything that person did. I was
Speaker 1: just like so like I knew myself at that point still,
Speaker 1: like I knew that I had anxious attachment, and I
Speaker 1: already knew like why I was responding the way that
Speaker 1: I was, but again, I was still doing it. And
Speaker 1: so I just got to this breaking point of like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm so tired of this and I
Speaker 1: just can't, like I'm just really done with this. And
Speaker 1: after I stopped crying and I knew I needed to
Speaker 1: let it out and just keep crying and let it
Speaker 1: out and let it out and let it out, I
Speaker 1: was like, holy shit, my anxiety and my emotions they're
Speaker 1: so loud right now, and they're so loud right now,
Speaker 1: because it's really this deep reflection of how much I've
Speaker 1: abandoned myself the past few weeks, and this is how
Speaker 1: I like to look at it, and this is kind
Speaker 1: of how I looked at it when I was in
Speaker 1: that situation. It was almost like my inner child needed
Speaker 1: her needs met, and I was trying to get her
Speaker 1: needs met only by this other person, which is never
Speaker 1: good because no one can, ever outside of you, always
Speaker 1: meet your needs in the most flawless way, even if
Speaker 1: you're in a secure, healthy attachment, Like it's just kind
Speaker 1: of impossible to always want. That doesn't mean you don't want,
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean that people need to show up a
Speaker 1: certain way in your life. Yes, but realistically, I was
Speaker 1: putting all my attention and trying to get my needs met,
Speaker 1: my inner child's needs met by getting that reassurance and
Speaker 1: getting that love and getting that validation from this person.
Speaker 1: And mind you, during this time, we weren't even in
Speaker 1: a committed, solid relationship, so it was a little bit
Speaker 1: hard to even do that. And I knew that logically
Speaker 1: because it was like the beginning stage is kind of
Speaker 1: a relationship. So I was realizing, like, wow, I was
Speaker 1: dishonoring myself and abandoning my inner child who needed her
Speaker 1: needs met by going outside of me and looking for
Speaker 1: those needs and somebody who couldn't really even do that.
Speaker 1: And this person, by the way, wasn't even a toxic person.
Speaker 1: But I was so obsessed with that person and my
Speaker 1: attention was on them so much that no wonder, my
Speaker 1: inner child felt like she had no other option but
Speaker 1: to just break down and cry. And the cries were
Speaker 1: so loud because I wasn't even listening to her, I
Speaker 1: wasn't even connected to her. Every single day I woke
Speaker 1: up and I said, I'm gonna abandon you, and I'm
Speaker 1: gonna put my attention on this person and I'm gonna
Speaker 1: watch them, and I'm gonna wait, and I'm gonna wonder.
Speaker 1: And on top of that, no wonder her anxiety, no wonder,
Speaker 1: her emotions were so loud, and no wonder, she felt
Speaker 1: like shit because you know what else I was doing
Speaker 1: as I was having my attention on that person and
Speaker 1: waiting and wondering and am I deserving? And are they
Speaker 1: gonna pick me? And are they gonna text me? What
Speaker 1: that message sent to my inner child was You're not
Speaker 1: good enough, you don't deserve love. Maybe you'll get it.
Speaker 1: Maybe you won't imagine how that part of you feels.
Speaker 1: When every day you wake up and you wait for
Speaker 1: somebody to text you, you wait for somebody to choose you,
Speaker 1: you wait for somebody to love you. It's no wonder
Speaker 1: you get so anxious. It's no wonder you feel like shit.
Speaker 1: It's no wonder you start acting out of these behaviors.
Speaker 1: Every day, I chose to leave myself. Every day, I
Speaker 1: chose to put my energy on every single other thing
Speaker 1: in my life other than myself and my own needs
Speaker 1: and my own wants. And also every single day I
Speaker 1: was telling myself, you're not enough. And so, if you've
Speaker 1: ever been through this situation, and I've been through it
Speaker 1: many times, I want to give you some advice. And
Speaker 1: the first thing that I actually want to say to
Speaker 1: you is you are not a flawed human being, because
Speaker 1: that's the type of dynamic that you get into. You
Speaker 1: have learned to be anxious, You have learned to second
Speaker 1: guess yourself, you have learned to wait around for people
Speaker 1: to choose you. For me, when I was younger, this
Speaker 1: was very prevalent. With my father, I learned that my
Speaker 1: needs didn't matter. I didn't get that reassurance. I didn't
Speaker 1: know if he was going to be consistently showing up
Speaker 1: for me. So I learned that with love, to gain
Speaker 1: someone's love, you must wait, You must let them decide.
Speaker 1: You must second guess your own worth. You probably aren't
Speaker 1: deserving of love to begin with, and so when you
Speaker 1: get into dynamics when you're older, that is what plays
Speaker 1: out your attachment styles. Now, that could be with a father,
Speaker 1: it could be with your mother, it could be with whoever,
Speaker 1: even just your closest caregivers, or it could just be
Speaker 1: from past relationships. But realistically, your past relationships are still
Speaker 1: stemmed from those early childhood attachments. So I want you
Speaker 1: to give yourself love and compassion and to understand the
Speaker 1: part of you that kept leaving yourself, leaving your inner child,
Speaker 1: leaving the real deep needs of love and connection that
Speaker 1: you do deserve and that you do need to have met.
Speaker 1: Understand that that part of you just learned how to
Speaker 1: meet your needs in a way of going outside of
Speaker 1: yourself and saying, Okay, who can help me, who will
Speaker 1: love me, who will whatever? Because that's what you learned
Speaker 1: to do. When you're younger, you waited around for love,
Speaker 1: you waited, and in a lot of the times you
Speaker 1: didn't even get it. Now, I'm going to give you
Speaker 1: a few tips of what I have done in the
Speaker 1: times that I get triggered and I'm in that state
Speaker 1: of that story, like I just said, And I'm also
Speaker 1: going to give you a lot of really good tips
Speaker 1: that I feel like can be helpful for the times
Speaker 1: that you are in the dating stages or you're in
Speaker 1: a relationship currently, even if you're in a situation, but genuinely,
Speaker 1: even if you're just like not necessarily as triggered as
Speaker 1: the story that I just told you, because I think
Speaker 1: that this is a journey, it's a cycle. It doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that you implement one tip and then all of
Speaker 1: a sudden you never get triggered again. I still get
Speaker 1: triggered sometimes into my anxious attachment. But I feel like
Speaker 1: the tips and the advice that I have that I'm
Speaker 1: gonna give to you guys, has really helped me pull
Speaker 1: back and not act out of that anxious attachment and
Speaker 1: kind of make everything a little bit more messy than
Speaker 1: it needs to be. And I'm able to kind of
Speaker 1: be with myself a little bit more so. When I
Speaker 1: was in that breakdown, and I realized, Wow, the reason
Speaker 1: why my anxiety and my emotions are so loud right
Speaker 1: now is because I've abandoned myself. Like I'm not with myself,
Speaker 1: I'm with him. I'm with my energies with him every
Speaker 1: second of the day. I realize, the only way that
Speaker 1: I'm going to feel happy right now, the only way
Speaker 1: I'm going to feel at ease. Actually, let's take away happy,
Speaker 1: because that's not even what I'm trying to be right now.
Speaker 1: Is even happy. I just want to be stable, right like.
Speaker 1: I just want to feel like not like shit. I
Speaker 1: can't wait around for this man to come back into
Speaker 1: my life or give me the validation or give me
Speaker 1: the text, or give me whatever, because I know I'm
Speaker 1: smart enough to know that even when he comes back
Speaker 1: and he does that, I'll still be anxious as soon
Speaker 1: as he leaves again. And I don't mean leave as
Speaker 1: in unhealthy. I mean leave because it's a healthy, secure attachment,
Speaker 1: and he has his attention on something else, And honestly,
Speaker 1: I don't want to be at the mercy of someone
Speaker 1: else's energy. I don't want to only feel good when
Speaker 1: I get that text back. I want to feel good
Speaker 1: right now. I do not want to have to wait
Speaker 1: around all day and wait for that text to put
Speaker 1: me at ease. And please, if you're in that state
Speaker 1: right now, or you have been, or you sometimes get
Speaker 1: into that state, I really hope that you make that
Speaker 1: a goal for yourself, to learn how to put yourself
Speaker 1: at ease without the need of that person giving you
Speaker 1: that energy back. And I'm gonna disclaim this here. It
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that that text won't feel amazing when it
Speaker 1: does come okay, And I just want you to like
Speaker 1: tell yourself that message as well, it's okay. If there's
Speaker 1: a part of you that still wants that message, of
Speaker 1: course you're gonna feel a little bit better. And of
Speaker 1: course things would be actually even better if they did text,
Speaker 1: you know, or if they did come back, or if
Speaker 1: you did get their energy. Yes, but I want you
Speaker 1: to take back your personal power and I want you
Speaker 1: to show up for your inner child that needs you.
Speaker 1: Your inner child does not need you to wait around
Speaker 1: anymore for someone to choose you or to love you.
Speaker 1: And I think about the time when I was younger,
Speaker 1: and I sat and I was lonely, and I was
Speaker 1: waiting always for love, always waiting for something from my father,
Speaker 1: something from my parents, just waiting. I was also an
Speaker 1: only child. I have half siblings, same dad, different moms,
Speaker 1: but we didn't live in the same house, so I
Speaker 1: was alone a lot of time. I just remember just
Speaker 1: waiting and waiting and just being so alone. And what
Speaker 1: you can give yourself now as an adult is that
Speaker 1: gift to your inner child of baby. We're not waiting anymore.
Speaker 1: We are not waiting for anyone to choose us. We
Speaker 1: are not waiting to have fun, we are not waiting
Speaker 1: to be happy. We are going to build a life
Speaker 1: where we can feel good right now. I want you
Speaker 1: to save yourself. So coming back to yourself requires you
Speaker 1: to let go for a moment, detach from that person
Speaker 1: or that circumstance that's triggering you that you've had your
Speaker 1: attention on. For this case, I will just give that
Speaker 1: example as a person, and I'm saying a man just
Speaker 1: because I date men. Somebody left in my comments asking
Speaker 1: if I was homophobic because I say that I am
Speaker 1: a woman and I date men. I just want to
Speaker 1: make this very clear. The only reason why I even
Speaker 1: say that is because when I don't say that, and
Speaker 1: I just talk from experience, people will be like, why
Speaker 1: can't you use examples of dating women or this that
Speaker 1: I don't date women. I have nothing against anyone. Okay,
Speaker 1: I just don't date women, so I'm not going to
Speaker 1: speak on that. Circumstance. Does not mean that I do
Speaker 1: not like all types of people. Okay. I love everyone seriously,
Speaker 1: and if you don't think that, then I'm sorry that
Speaker 1: that's what you think. But absolutely not. I am simply
Speaker 1: just speaking from experience. I date men and I identify
Speaker 1: as a woman, so that's where I'm coming from. But
Speaker 1: I always say you can take my advice and you
Speaker 1: can flip it and you can use it to your
Speaker 1: own circumstance, whether you date women, whether you date men,
Speaker 1: if you're a man, whatever the case is, everyone is welcome.
Speaker 1: Please do not get offended by anything that I say.
Speaker 1: And when it comes to that, so anyways, when I
Speaker 1: see myself being in this anxious, attached version of me,
Speaker 1: and I'm saying version because it's just a part of
Speaker 1: your story, it's not who you are entirely, which I
Speaker 1: will talk about at the end as well. I had
Speaker 1: to detach from the man because I knew that, like
Speaker 1: even if he did text me or whatever, I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna go back into this ancient attachment style as soon
Speaker 1: as I don't hear from him again, you know. And
Speaker 1: also I want to be I want to have my
Speaker 1: power right now, so deattaching from the situation and first
Speaker 1: assessing if this person is somebody who is healthy and
Speaker 1: you are just getting triggered, or maybe seriously you are,
Speaker 1: you know, getting more triggered than you need to be.
Speaker 1: Even if you have anxious attachment, you're getting more triggered
Speaker 1: than you need to be because there's actually a real
Speaker 1: reason to be triggered. And I know sometimes it's hard
Speaker 1: to discern that, but I know times where I'm just
Speaker 1: being triggered by distance or less communication in the beginnings
Speaker 1: of let's say a dating phase with a healthy man,
Speaker 1: and I just I know it's just a natural, like
Speaker 1: healthy progression of a relationship where not every single second
Speaker 1: you're talking and I have to like remind myself of that.
Speaker 1: Or if genuinely I'm talking to a guy and he's
Speaker 1: really avoidant and this is a pattern and he keeps
Speaker 1: going up post. I think that that's important for you
Speaker 1: to discern if you can, because I think it can
Speaker 1: help your logical brain understand what is going on. Are
Speaker 1: you dealing with somebody who's clearly avoidant and triggering the
Speaker 1: f out of you? And in that case, do you
Speaker 1: really even want to put your time and attention and
Speaker 1: abandon yourself, your beautiful self, for somebody who's not showing
Speaker 1: up for you. And I think about this in terms
Speaker 1: when it comes to like my dad, It's like I
Speaker 1: never deserve that. My beautiful little soul as a child
Speaker 1: did not for one second deserve to second guess herself
Speaker 1: and wait around for love. She did not deserve that.
Speaker 1: Unfortunately I couldn't walk away from that because he is
Speaker 1: my father. But now in my life, in my adulthood life,
Speaker 1: I am not dealing with that. Okay, So see where
Speaker 1: you're at with Is this a person that's way more avoidant,
Speaker 1: they're not taking responsibility and like they're ghosting you, or
Speaker 1: is it this person who maybe you're just progressing naturally
Speaker 1: and there's some distance. And if there's some distance, understand
Speaker 1: that this is a normal part of what dating or
Speaker 1: even relationships or building a secure attachment style is. Just
Speaker 1: sit with yourself for a second and discern that and
Speaker 1: decide which one it is. But regardless of which type
Speaker 1: of person you're even dealing with. This is where your
Speaker 1: work starts. When I am triggered, I go right to
Speaker 1: my self concept. Okay, first, actually, when I'm triggered, I
Speaker 1: usually let myself cry and then I realize, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: I'm banding myself and oh my god, I'm so sorry,
Speaker 1: inner child. I will not leave you again. Things like that,
Speaker 1: and if you leave her again, it's fine, that's a
Speaker 1: natural part of being a human being. But I like
Speaker 1: to come back to my self concept because this is
Speaker 1: what happens when you're triggered as well. Okay, Like I said,
Speaker 1: that second piece of the messaging that I was telling
Speaker 1: my inner child when I was obsessed over this person
Speaker 1: was You're not good enough. He probably doesn't like you,
Speaker 1: he's probably losing interest, etc. Etc. That Right there is
Speaker 1: a deep reflection of how you look at yourself. So
Speaker 1: right now, you have pretty low self esteem. Right now,
Speaker 1: you don't really look at yourself like you are the
Speaker 1: it girl. Right now, you don't really back yourself. You
Speaker 1: lost a lot of your confidence, babe. So what I
Speaker 1: like to do is I'll take a journal. I will
Speaker 1: even talk to a friend if they can kind of
Speaker 1: give me that support or advice or I'll even go
Speaker 1: to a podcast, whatever you got to do. Right Again,
Speaker 1: we're detached from this person. We don't need the validation
Speaker 1: from this person. It doesn't literally matter because we can
Speaker 1: do this ourselves right now. But I want you to
Speaker 1: take this time to remind yourself of who you are,
Speaker 1: because holy did you forget that? Did you forget how
Speaker 1: beautiful you are? How unique you are, how kind you are,
Speaker 1: how attentive to other people's needs that you are, How
Speaker 1: good of a girlfriend that you are or you could be,
Speaker 1: or you are becoming, or what about how committed you
Speaker 1: are to your healing journey, your self transformation. You're waking
Speaker 1: up and you're trying your journaling, you're working on your mindset.
Speaker 1: You're going to the gym sometime you're not going to
Speaker 1: the gym because you know, you're going through life and
Speaker 1: you're being a human being. So what you should love
Speaker 1: that about yourself? You should love that about yourself, that
Speaker 1: you are a flawed human being. Yep, I make mistakes sometimes,
Speaker 1: And you know what, if I can accept myself and
Speaker 1: I know that I leave room for mistakes and errors
Speaker 1: and being a human being, someone else is gonna love
Speaker 1: that because they're gonna know that they can be a
Speaker 1: human being as well, and they don't have to show
Speaker 1: up one hundred percent of the time, perfect, flawless, and
Speaker 1: they don't feel pressure to be anyone but themselves. And
Speaker 1: that's not from a place of you're gonna let people
Speaker 1: in your life and they're not gonna show up the
Speaker 1: way that you expect or you deserve. It's not about that.
Speaker 1: But people love people who are real and you are real.
Speaker 1: Or have you ever thought about when you first started
Speaker 1: dating this person or having some sort of whatever you
Speaker 1: have with this person, the confidence and the state of
Speaker 1: mind that you are in right before you met them,
Speaker 1: and what attracted them to you. Remind yourself of that
Speaker 1: person because they were attracted to you just being yourself
Speaker 1: right you showed up, however, you showed up in that relationship,
Speaker 1: and that's the energy that you should keep. So remind
Speaker 1: yourself of that. And you really need to have a
Speaker 1: practice of this. You really need to have more of
Speaker 1: a practice of looking at yourself in a beautiful light
Speaker 1: and reminding yourself of who the f you are versus
Speaker 1: spending all of your time and your energy focusing on
Speaker 1: someone else. And questioning your worth. You're spending so much
Speaker 1: time questioning your worth when you could be spending all
Speaker 1: of this time reminding yourself of your worth. So this
Speaker 1: is what I need you to do in those times
Speaker 1: that not only you are triggered, because I think that
Speaker 1: it really really helps snap you out of it, but
Speaker 1: also this is something you should be doing on a
Speaker 1: daily basis, which I bet you you weren't. And I
Speaker 1: remember when I was going through that spiral. Damn no,
Speaker 1: I was not. I didn't make those times a journal.
Speaker 1: I wasn't really talking to myself kindly and honestly, if
Speaker 1: I even think about my habits, I wasn't really on
Speaker 1: my shit. And that's another thing. Getting back on a routine,
Speaker 1: taking care of yourself, getting the proper sleep, listening to
Speaker 1: positive affirmations and music, and keeping your spirit uplifted. You
Speaker 1: have to raise your vibration. Your vibration is very low
Speaker 1: right now. And another thing that I like to focus
Speaker 1: on when I'm triggered and when like I've really lost
Speaker 1: myself and like I have this person on a pedestal
Speaker 1: and I'm valuing them so much, and this that I
Speaker 1: like to remind myself of what it is that I'm
Speaker 1: looking for in a relationship and what I deserve, which
Speaker 1: usually can come after you've kind of like spoke some
Speaker 1: life into yourself again, like, actually he does like me? Actually,
Speaker 1: what is there not to like? Actually, we're not doing that,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean? Like, we're just gonna let
Speaker 1: go of those low self worth thoughts because they are
Speaker 1: not actually meant for me. It's it's complete lies. It's
Speaker 1: complete lies. We're not doing it, but making a list
Speaker 1: or just thinking about the type of guy that you
Speaker 1: want to be with or girl whoever you're dating. Who
Speaker 1: do you want to be with? You want to be
Speaker 1: with somebody who looks at you like you are one
Speaker 1: of one. You are amazing. Nobody can compare to you.
Speaker 1: You just have that something. You have, that spice, you have,
Speaker 1: that flair, you have that hmm. You know, no one
Speaker 1: can really compete with that. And you know, even if
Speaker 1: that person decides if you have in your head right,
Speaker 1: maybe you have in the head. Oh well, what if
Speaker 1: they like someone else? Is that no one will compare though? Yeah,
Speaker 1: maybe okay, they'll go meet somebody else, or maybe they
Speaker 1: you think that they like someone else or this that,
Speaker 1: or maybe you don't but if you do okay, and
Speaker 1: you're going to be the better option, You're going to
Speaker 1: be the better option because you have that connection with them,
Speaker 1: and you're amazing and you're kind and you're loving, and
Speaker 1: you're smart, and you're funny, and you're this, and you're that. Okay,
Speaker 1: remind yourself of that, but also remind yourself the man
Speaker 1: for you or the woman for you is the person
Speaker 1: who knows your worth and see your worth and wants
Speaker 1: to be with you and shows you commitment and shows
Speaker 1: you affection and shows up for you consistently and wants
Speaker 1: to do this with you. So if you're not getting that,
Speaker 1: maybe it is that avoidant. Remind yourself of what you
Speaker 1: do deserve and you will find this avoidant person becomes
Speaker 1: kind of an ick to you because the avoidant person
Speaker 1: is not for you. Can you please understand this if
Speaker 1: you are dealing with somebody who's avoidant, or if you're
Speaker 1: dealing with somebody who's like wishy washy, or if you're
Speaker 1: dealing with somebody who saying, I don't know if I
Speaker 1: want to commit. This person is not made for you.
Speaker 1: And this is what I mean. I'm not saying that
Speaker 1: you can't get commitment from this person, but that version
Speaker 1: of them should not even be in your awareness. You
Speaker 1: should not be getting upset or triggered or second guessing
Speaker 1: your worth against somebody who doesn't know what they want
Speaker 1: or is not on their shit, because you deserves somebody,
Speaker 1: and the person for you is going to be the
Speaker 1: person who is sure about you. That's it, that should
Speaker 1: be your standard for you is the person that is
Speaker 1: sure about you, that is showing up, that knows your worth.
Speaker 1: But guess what, you're not really going to find that
Speaker 1: unless you know that you are worthy, that you know
Speaker 1: what you deserve. So you need to remind yourself of
Speaker 1: what you deserve in a relationship. You deserve commitment, you
Speaker 1: deserve someone showing up, You deserve communication, you deserve X,
Speaker 1: Y and Z, and ground yourself in that and get
Speaker 1: excited for that. And so the excited part kind of
Speaker 1: comes from if you, let's say, or dating somebody who
Speaker 1: is it's probably just like normal and healthy and like
Speaker 1: a natural flowing into like dating and relationships. Ground yourself
Speaker 1: in the knowing of what you expect and deserve out
Speaker 1: of a relationship, and let that person meet you where
Speaker 1: you're at. Stop chasing, stop second guessing yourself. Stop waiting,
Speaker 1: stop wondering. There's nothing to wait for. There's seriously nothing
Speaker 1: to wait for. You're doing yourself a disservice if you're
Speaker 1: doing that now, hopefully by you doing the practice of
Speaker 1: emotionally releasing, letting it out if you need to, and
Speaker 1: also journaling self concept, it's reminding yourself of your worth,
Speaker 1: getting on your routine, reminding yourself that you are that girl.
Speaker 1: And if this guy, this girl, this whoever don't want
Speaker 1: to see that or can't acknowledge that, that's good. I
Speaker 1: am not trying to chase you. I'm not trying to
Speaker 1: convince you of my worth. We're not doing that. We're
Speaker 1: too old for that. I don't care if you're eighteen.
Speaker 1: I don't care if you're sixteen. I don't care if
Speaker 1: you're forty years old listening to this podcast. We're too young,
Speaker 1: we're too old. I don't care to be doing that. Now.
Speaker 1: Here's some more advice and reminders on the times that
Speaker 1: you are in a relationship, you're building your relationship with someone,
Speaker 1: you're in that stage, you're in relation to somebody for one.
Speaker 1: Like I've already mentioned, you are not your anxious attachment style,
Speaker 1: and even if you're listening to this and you have
Speaker 1: an avoidant attachment style, or maybe you have both, because
Speaker 1: I do that. Yes, is a part of your experience,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't need to be your identity. Okay, you
Speaker 1: can decide right now that you know what. No, I'm
Speaker 1: actually good. I actually don't need to be anxiously attached.
Speaker 1: I actually don't need to be the version of me
Speaker 1: who waits for or text I don't need to do that.
Speaker 1: I'm better than that. I'm worth more than that. My
Speaker 1: inner child is worth more than that. Number two, I
Speaker 1: want you to get comfortable with silence and space and time.
Speaker 1: I think that this is something that helps me breathe
Speaker 1: a little bit when it comes to being in a
Speaker 1: dating phase and building attachment with someone. Is reminding myself
Speaker 1: that I don't need to rush things. Okay, I don't
Speaker 1: need you to text me right the second or else
Speaker 1: what I'm gonna die. No, I don't need to have
Speaker 1: that conversation with you right the second. I don't need anything.
Speaker 1: It would be nice, Yeah, for sure, it would be
Speaker 1: nice to hear from you. Communication. Is that standards, expectations, boundaries, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: yeah obviously, But there seems to always be this time
Speaker 1: urgency when it comes to being somebody who gets into
Speaker 1: that anxious attachment behavior, and you kind of need to
Speaker 1: check yourself and remind yourself when it comes to dating
Speaker 1: that it's okay that there's space and there's time. It's
Speaker 1: okay that this person didn't get back to you right away.
Speaker 1: It's okay that you don't see this person every day.
Speaker 1: It's okay that there's some time and distance. You need
Speaker 1: to ground yourself in your self concept. You need to
Speaker 1: remind yourself of who you are. You need to bring
Speaker 1: your attention back towards yourself also, and you will find
Speaker 1: you won't even be counting down those seconds. But realistically,
Speaker 1: in a healthy relationship, a natural progression of a secure
Speaker 1: attachment style. Sometimes it takes a little bit of time.
Speaker 1: And I've done a lot of I don't want to
Speaker 1: say research because it's not really research, but I've gotten
Speaker 1: from what I can tell, from what I can see
Speaker 1: a lot of perspective with people who do have healthy relationships.
Speaker 1: And I always ask people who have healthy relationships or
Speaker 1: I mean whatever, No relationship is the healthiest. You know,
Speaker 1: everyone has their issues, But I ask the people in
Speaker 1: my life who are either married or insecure, like they're
Speaker 1: incommitted relationships and they've been together a long time, and
Speaker 1: the common denominator kind of was two things. Actually. One, yes,
Speaker 1: they actually did get triggered a lot at the beginning.
Speaker 1: And I can say this even from experience. So if
Speaker 1: you feel like you're getting triggered, even in like a
Speaker 1: quote unquote healthy relationship, and you're wondering if it's even
Speaker 1: healthy because you're getting triggered, understand that that's usually like
Speaker 1: what happens. But two, sometimes it goes a lot slower
Speaker 1: than you think. And sometimes like you wonder if this
Speaker 1: person's even for you, if there's no like instant spark
Speaker 1: or you're obsessed with this person, or there's mad chemistry,
Speaker 1: it's more of that slow burn. It's more of the Okay,
Speaker 1: this is taking some time, and now I'm wondering if
Speaker 1: this is even worth it, or if this person even
Speaker 1: really likes me, because we're not diving into it in
Speaker 1: three seconds. But I do want you to think about
Speaker 1: your past, and I do want you to think about
Speaker 1: how you tend to be sometimes when you're anxiously attached
Speaker 1: and or you're with somebody who's maybe love bombing and
Speaker 1: stuff is going fast always the best thing in a relationship,
Speaker 1: sometimes not not all the time. You want to get
Speaker 1: to know this person. You want space for yourself so
Speaker 1: that you don't lose yourself to your anxious attachment style. Now,
Speaker 1: this kind of piggybacks to the next thing, which is
Speaker 1: having boundaries for yourself and your self care and your routines.
Speaker 1: And this should be established all throughout your relationship because
Speaker 1: this is a thing. Even if you really like this
Speaker 1: person and you guys are vibing and you have so
Speaker 1: much connection and like passion, and you know they're even
Speaker 1: available to see you all the time, and you're available
Speaker 1: to see them, it's not to me and you don't
Speaker 1: go into the direction of love. Okay, we love it.
Speaker 1: We love that like euphoria feeling of you know whatever. Okay,
Speaker 1: we get it. But especially when you have a tendency
Speaker 1: of being anxiously attacked, I want you to really try
Speaker 1: your best to make sure that you still have boundaries, because,
Speaker 1: like I said, you don't want to lose yourself to
Speaker 1: your anxious detachment. So if you are available to see
Speaker 1: somebody all the time, it doesn't mean you have to
Speaker 1: see them all the time. This is not about playing
Speaker 1: a game, but it's about choosing yourself as well, because
Speaker 1: this can get you into a slippery slope if you
Speaker 1: are available all the time for someone and that person
Speaker 1: even is for you. But let's say you are always available.
Speaker 1: So if they call you at any time throughout the
Speaker 1: day or even at night, and you really want to
Speaker 1: see them, if you keep doing that, you will find
Speaker 1: you will start to get into your anxious detachment style
Speaker 1: really quickly with this person. And then, for whatever reason,
Speaker 1: if they don't call you that night, or if they
Speaker 1: go away for a work trip, or if they have
Speaker 1: their own life, most likely you're going to get even
Speaker 1: more triggered because you have spent all of your attension,
Speaker 1: all your time with that person, and you haven't practiced
Speaker 1: bringing your energy and bringing your off back. So, although yes,
Speaker 1: you might want to spend all this time together and
Speaker 1: you want to be with this person all the time,
Speaker 1: what I have found in my own personal life, Okay,
Speaker 1: take my advice or leave it. That's fine. It's okay
Speaker 1: to say no, it's okay to have some boundaries, it's
Speaker 1: okay to wait and to have that time again. And realistically,
Speaker 1: I always think about this when it comes to dating
Speaker 1: somebody who let's say they're calling you at ten pm
Speaker 1: and they're like, hey, do you want to like chill
Speaker 1: for a bit? That maybe it's a healthy guy. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm not talking about a Netflix and Chill type of
Speaker 1: booty call guy. Okay, we're not even talking about those guys.
Speaker 1: It could be healthy guys. It could be a guy
Speaker 1: who just likes you and you know you hang out
Speaker 1: all the time, and you've had a million dates and
Speaker 1: you know you're like serious about him, and he's serious
Speaker 1: about you, and he is calling you here and there
Speaker 1: and he wants to see you at this time. But
Speaker 1: ten PM's your bedtime. Well, first of all, ten pm
Speaker 1: is your bedtime, So why is it that you aren't
Speaker 1: having that boundary? Ten pm is your bedtime. This is
Speaker 1: when you're going to sleep. Okay, so that should just
Speaker 1: be first and foremost. But again, if you say yes
Speaker 1: every single time when this person is calling you, not
Speaker 1: only are you not prioritizing yourself, but what you will
Speaker 1: tend to find, like I said, is the more times
Speaker 1: you do that, let's say, in a couple of days,
Speaker 1: when they don't call you to hang out, Now you're
Speaker 1: going to be second guessing yourself and wondering because you
Speaker 1: might have formed that attachment and you might have fallen
Speaker 1: into your anxious attachment style again. So it's just to
Speaker 1: really discern who you are as a person, and you know,
Speaker 1: if you're somebody who's secure and stable and you can
Speaker 1: do that, that's fine. Then obviously this advice is not
Speaker 1: for you. But I have found prioritizing myself first. It's
Speaker 1: not about withholding happiness. It's not about withholding wanting to
Speaker 1: be with somebody. It's first about choosing yourself. If my
Speaker 1: routine is I go to sleep at ten pm, then
Speaker 1: why is it that I'm choosing somebody else over myself? Now?
Speaker 1: If my bedtime wasn't at ten pm, and I literally
Speaker 1: had nothing to do, and that person asked me, and
Speaker 1: I felt like inclined, and I I wanted to sure,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go do that. But usually when you do
Speaker 1: it from that place, you don't find yourself falling into
Speaker 1: your anxious attachment style because you weren't doing that based
Speaker 1: out of oh my gosh, I should go and hang
Speaker 1: out with you, because if I don't hang out with you,
Speaker 1: I don't know when you're gonna come back, and I
Speaker 1: don't know if you're gonna call me in three days,
Speaker 1: and I really want to see you, and I don't
Speaker 1: feel like I can choose myself and you still show
Speaker 1: up the next day. Okay, So you need to know
Speaker 1: when you're saying yes, the thing's based out of well,
Speaker 1: if I say no right now, that means you're not
Speaker 1: gonna love me tomorrow, or simply I don't really have
Speaker 1: anything to do anyways, and I want to see you,
Speaker 1: and it has nothing to do with me going over
Speaker 1: to your house because I think that you're gonna leave
Speaker 1: the next day. So really, just know yourself. Okay. The
Speaker 1: next thing requires some maturity and it requires you to
Speaker 1: remove your ego, and that is you need to be
Speaker 1: okay with your partner having their own life, and you
Speaker 1: really got to stop taking it personally. When they do,
Speaker 1: it is not them rejecting you. It is not them
Speaker 1: not wanting you to be a part of their life.
Speaker 1: If they go with their friends sometimes and you're either
Speaker 1: not invited because maybe you're just not part of that
Speaker 1: friend group yet, or maybe this person's going out with
Speaker 1: their boys, or maybe it's like a family function and
Speaker 1: maybe you guys are not whatever it is. Obviously, if
Speaker 1: you're in a deep committed relationship and they're not inviting
Speaker 1: you to anything, then that's another story. But I find
Speaker 1: I've been there where sometimes many times I've taken it
Speaker 1: very personally, and I felt this sense of rejection because
Speaker 1: they were taking time for themselves, and they had boundaries
Speaker 1: for themselves, and they prioritize theirselves, and you have to
Speaker 1: think and wonder, It's like, how is it that I'm
Speaker 1: not okay with somebody setting boundaries for themselves and taking
Speaker 1: care of themselves and having their own alone time. Well,
Speaker 1: that's probably because I don't even do it for myself,
Speaker 1: and I don't even prioritize that. I don't prioritize my
Speaker 1: own long time. I don't give myself that, I don't
Speaker 1: give myself a second debrief. And I find once you
Speaker 1: really do spend more time alone and you prioritize yourself
Speaker 1: and you have boundaries, and you realize that it has
Speaker 1: nothing to do with them. When you want to choose
Speaker 1: yourself but you still want to be with them, you
Speaker 1: can still be with yourself and still want to be
Speaker 1: with somebody else. You will find when they choose themselves,
Speaker 1: it doesn't mean it's a personal thing. It doesn't mean
Speaker 1: anything other than they want to choose themselves. And I
Speaker 1: always think about this. A healthy relationship requires you to
Speaker 1: have your alone time, It requires you to have your
Speaker 1: own life, and it does not mean that you can't
Speaker 1: mesh your lives together. And a lot of relationships, like
Speaker 1: when you actually come together, you usually do share social
Speaker 1: circumstances and things like that. So obviously, again it depends
Speaker 1: on what we're talking about here, but it's okay for
Speaker 1: you guys, not to be together all the time. Do
Speaker 1: not take it personally. Do not take that as rejection.
Speaker 1: Understand that this person is a human being just like yourself.
Speaker 1: You have needs and wants. You might not be somebody
Speaker 1: who meets them. But guess what, use this as inspiration.
Speaker 1: This person meets their needs in healthy ways. This person
Speaker 1: has their own alone time. They want to have a
Speaker 1: trip with their boys once a year, they sometimes go
Speaker 1: out with their colleagues or whatever. It's okay. It doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that they don't like you. It doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: they don't love you. It does not mean that Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: you have probably learned that if you do choose yourself,
Speaker 1: or if you do love yourself. There might be consequences
Speaker 1: for that, or you might be nervous that if you
Speaker 1: choose yourself or if you love yourself, will this person stay.
Speaker 1: Maybe this person didn't. Maybe this person in your life,
Speaker 1: whether it was a parent, caregiver, any sort of caregiver,
Speaker 1: or past relationship, this person didn't allow you to have
Speaker 1: these boundaries. You didn't learn how to say no and
Speaker 1: choose yourself and have that other person also understand that
Speaker 1: you're still choosing them, but also coming back to losing
Speaker 1: yourself to your anxious attachment style. You want this, You
Speaker 1: want somebody to have boundaries and meet their needs. You
Speaker 1: want that space. Okay, you do want that space. Because again,
Speaker 1: if you're with each other twenty four to seven, if
Speaker 1: you do every single thing together, if you go for coffee,
Speaker 1: you go for lunch, you go for dinner, you do everything.
Speaker 1: Every single weekend, you hang out all the time every weekend.
Speaker 1: Friday Saturday is Sunday. Friday Saturday is Sunday. This that
Speaker 1: glued to the hip. What do you think that's going
Speaker 1: to happen with you? If you have a previous experience
Speaker 1: with being anxiously attached, probably you're going to fall back
Speaker 1: a little bit into that codependency. Now. I understand there's
Speaker 1: relationships where it works. You guys are best friends, whatever.
Speaker 1: And if that's the case and it works for you,
Speaker 1: that's great, But honor yourself a little bit and give
Speaker 1: yourself some time. In my personal opinion, I do not
Speaker 1: look at my partner to be every single thing for me.
Speaker 1: I want to have my best friend be my support system.
Speaker 1: I want to have connection with my mom, I want
Speaker 1: to have connection with other friends. I want to have
Speaker 1: my own hobbies, my own interests. I have projects on
Speaker 1: the go, I have my job, my career, I have
Speaker 1: a full life, and I don't need this person to
Speaker 1: be in every single intricacy of my life. It doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that this person is not attached to it through me,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't mean that I need to have this
Speaker 1: person always be at the forefront of these things. When
Speaker 1: I'm in a relationship, a lot of the times, the
Speaker 1: man that I'm with is very supportive of these things.
Speaker 1: He's cheering me on, he loves to see me win,
Speaker 1: he loves to see me doing my own thing. And honestly,
Speaker 1: I'll just say it here, a lot of the healthy
Speaker 1: men that I have dated and There's been a lot
Speaker 1: of guys that I haven't been like dated that were like,
Speaker 1: you know, that healthy but whatever. I wasn't really that
Speaker 1: healthy either. But a lot of the guys that I've dated,
Speaker 1: even if they weren't really that healthy, they've always I've
Speaker 1: found this, They've always had this sense of like getting
Speaker 1: really happy and excited to see me win and like
Speaker 1: to see me grow and evolve and like have my
Speaker 1: own thing going. I think, for the most part, like men,
Speaker 1: I think that that's a really attractive quality in women
Speaker 1: when they have their own thing going. I think it's attractive.
Speaker 1: And I can say the same thing about men, like
Speaker 1: I think it's honestly very attractive to have a man
Speaker 1: who has a passion or he has a hobby, or
Speaker 1: he's into a sport, or he's killing it with his career.
Speaker 1: Like I'm sitting by the sidelines being like, damn, babe,
Speaker 1: you go do that. I don't need to be a
Speaker 1: part of it. I don't need to be there up
Speaker 1: all in that all the time. No, I'm gonna be like,
Speaker 1: I'm cheering you on, let's go. It's all good. But
Speaker 1: I don't need to be in the mix of everything,
Speaker 1: you know, what I mean. Now, another thing. I basically
Speaker 1: already addressed this when it comes to time and taking
Speaker 1: things slow, but I just want you to remind yourself
Speaker 1: that if you are wanting a long term relationship with someone,
Speaker 1: a marriage, family, all of this right when you're thinking
Speaker 1: about your future. And I hope you guys are thinking
Speaker 1: about your future, because I think most of us probably
Speaker 1: date pretty intentionally. These things take time. It takes time
Speaker 1: for you to learn this person, and it takes this
Speaker 1: person to understand who you are. It takes communication, It
Speaker 1: takes those little bumps in the road. It takes you
Speaker 1: getting triggered sometimes and then you communicating your needs. It
Speaker 1: takes some time, So give it some time. Okay. Next thing,
Speaker 1: This is very very helpful for the ones who are
Speaker 1: anxiously attached a lot and you're waiting for the guy
Speaker 1: to make the first move and the second, and the third,
Speaker 1: and the fourth and the fifth. I understand the want
Speaker 1: and the longing and the desire to always have a
Speaker 1: man chase you, and always have somebody show up for you,
Speaker 1: and always have a man pursuing you. It's great, it's lovely.
Speaker 1: I understand that energy of like the feminine and the masculine.
Speaker 1: I get that, But if we're talking about a healthy,
Speaker 1: real relationship, if we're going to bring it down to
Speaker 1: reality for a moment, when you are somebody who is
Speaker 1: anxiously attached, most likely you don't speak up. Most likely
Speaker 1: you sit around and you wait. Most likely you don't
Speaker 1: even know how to communicate your needs. So if you
Speaker 1: are that type of person, that advice sometimes is not
Speaker 1: the most applicable to you, because you need to be
Speaker 1: the one to show up for yourself and to communicate
Speaker 1: and to meet your needs, which means sometimes you need
Speaker 1: to be the person who reaches out. And I don't
Speaker 1: mean reaches out and like asks to go on dates
Speaker 1: and things like that. I'm not even talking about that
Speaker 1: kind of stuff. But I'm talking about if something is
Speaker 1: bothering you in a relationship, If you're waiting and you're
Speaker 1: stressed and this person doesn't know it, it doesn't mean
Speaker 1: that you freak out on them. It doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: we're going to them and hoping that they are going
Speaker 1: to ease our pain. Right Like, if I just get
Speaker 1: the text message, if he just tells me that he
Speaker 1: loves me and this that right, We're not really even
Speaker 1: doing that but there are going to be some times
Speaker 1: where you need to let this person know, Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: feeling like this, I'm wondering if we can have a conversation,
Speaker 1: or simply maybe you just want to see this person,
Speaker 1: maybe you want to go for coffee with this person.
Speaker 1: You don't have to always wait for this guy to
Speaker 1: text you. You can make that first move. And I
Speaker 1: know it can maybe sound like a little bit like Ooh,
Speaker 1: I don't know, because society creates in our head. Oh,
Speaker 1: he should pursue or he should be the to reach out.
Speaker 1: And I understand that and I want that too, Like
Speaker 1: I love that in a man when he takes that
Speaker 1: initiative and he takes that first step. Yes, but when
Speaker 1: you are somebody who doesn't speak up and who is
Speaker 1: a people pleaser, it is sometimes important for you to
Speaker 1: make that first move because you will show yourself that
Speaker 1: you don't need to be afraid. Because when you're anxiously
Speaker 1: attached and you are waiting around, or you're a people pleaser,
Speaker 1: or you just like don't voice your needs, you're really
Speaker 1: afraid of rejection. Also, it's like, well, if I say this,
Speaker 1: I'm afraid he's gonna say no. Like if I ask
Speaker 1: him to come over, if I ask him to go
Speaker 1: to coffee, or if I text him, what if he
Speaker 1: doesn't respond, or what if he says no? Or this
Speaker 1: that you're afraid, you're afraid of You're afraid, but you
Speaker 1: can't keep operating like that in a relationship like you
Speaker 1: can't keep doing that. So the only way that you're
Speaker 1: going to get over that, and you're going to overcome
Speaker 1: this fear is for you to actually take those steps
Speaker 1: out of the fear. So you're gonna need to show yourself,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going to be strong, and I'm
Speaker 1: going to be fear, and I'm going to ask this
Speaker 1: person something or I'm going to communicate something, or I'm
Speaker 1: going to reach out to this person, and you're going
Speaker 1: to tell yourself, you know what, if this person doesn't respond,
Speaker 1: if this person rejects me, is this person really for me?
Speaker 1: You really have to ask yourself that, because your husband,
Speaker 1: your future husband, or your future whoever, is not going
Speaker 1: to reject you when you ask to go to coffee,
Speaker 1: or when you text them and you're just really happy
Speaker 1: and you want to say hey, but they haven't texted
Speaker 1: you yet, that's not going to be your future person,
Speaker 1: And do you really want to create that type of
Speaker 1: dynamic with someone where you're so afraid to message them
Speaker 1: that the only time you ever have communication with this
Speaker 1: person is when they reach out to you. No, you don't,
Speaker 1: because if you're in that circumstance, most likely every time
Speaker 1: that they don't reach out to you, or every time
Speaker 1: you do not see them, you're sitting there wondering and
Speaker 1: waiting when they're going to show up for you, if
Speaker 1: they choose you, if they like you, or when they're
Speaker 1: going to come back. So you need to be more resilient,
Speaker 1: and you need to show yourself that when you ask
Speaker 1: for something and when you want something in your life,
Speaker 1: you will get it. But the only way that you
Speaker 1: do that is if you take that action. You should
Speaker 1: be able to reach out to somebody. You should be
Speaker 1: able to communicate your needs. You should have somebody want
Speaker 1: to meet your needs. It should be a pleasant expectation
Speaker 1: that when you want something it gets received. That's exactly
Speaker 1: what you're wanting in a relationship. So instead of just
Speaker 1: constantly waiting for that person to make you feel happy,
Speaker 1: do it yourself. And this is what I mean by yeah,
Speaker 1: of course we need validation and love an attention from somebody,
Speaker 1: So go get it. Don't be afraid to go get it.
Speaker 1: If you need a little bit of loving today, go
Speaker 1: get it next thing. When you are triggered and your
Speaker 1: anxious attachment, because it will happen, it will happen. Please
Speaker 1: stop trying to be an independent girl or guy or
Speaker 1: whoever and deal with things yourself, because you will get
Speaker 1: yourself stuck. And what I mean by that is when
Speaker 1: you're anxiously attached, a lot of the times, it's hard
Speaker 1: for you to even discern whether you're with somebody who's
Speaker 1: healthy or not. And it is good for you to
Speaker 1: have somebody to lean on or support system to lean
Speaker 1: on and to help you look at things logically, so
Speaker 1: you can first discern if you're with somebody who's just
Speaker 1: not treating you right. But in general, in order for
Speaker 1: you to get out of this cycle of being somebody
Speaker 1: who's always anxiously attached, you need to respond differently to
Speaker 1: your circumstances. But you're gonna do the same thing you
Speaker 1: always do if you just always deal with your issues
Speaker 1: by yourself. And I can even say when it comes
Speaker 1: to let's say I'm in a situation with a guy,
Speaker 1: and we're kind of like going in a somewhat direction
Speaker 1: and hoping that we're gonna get in a relationship. If
Speaker 1: he hasn't reached out to me, or if he isn't
Speaker 1: communicating with me because I'm this people pleaser and I'm
Speaker 1: too afraid of rejection or I'm too afraid if I
Speaker 1: say something, then oh my god, I don't know if
Speaker 1: he's gonna like me or this that I'm gonna just
Speaker 1: keep it to myself and I'm gonna wait around, and
Speaker 1: I'm gonna sit and wait for him to come to me.
Speaker 1: Not only am I dishonoring myself and I'm staying in
Speaker 1: this anxious attachment and like very triggered when I don't
Speaker 1: need to be, I'm also not allowing my relationship to
Speaker 1: progress into something healthy. Because in this moment, this relationship
Speaker 1: requires me to communicate. It does. It really does. Regardless
Speaker 1: of if this person is gonna be with and stay
Speaker 1: with me or not, whether this person is healthy or avoidant,
Speaker 1: whatever the case is, this actually requires me to respond differently.
Speaker 1: It doesn't require me to sit around and wait for
Speaker 1: somebody to address a situation. It does require me to
Speaker 1: potentially have a conversation. But if you always are somebody
Speaker 1: who deals with your issues alone, you're probably just not
Speaker 1: going to do it. So sometimes going to a friend
Speaker 1: or somebody that you trust, somebody who has really good
Speaker 1: advice is really helpful because not only can they help
Speaker 1: you see things logically, but they can push you into
Speaker 1: doing a new behavior. And my best friend Juey for
Speaker 1: sure has help me with this because I tend to
Speaker 1: way lean way lean on being a people pleaser and
Speaker 1: like that fawning behavior and that like okay, like my
Speaker 1: needs don't matter, so I'm just gonna say nothing and
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna wait for you to like address me
Speaker 1: energy and relationships, and she has more of that, like
Speaker 1: go get it energy. Okay, sorry my camera died, But
Speaker 1: what I was saying is my friend Joyee. She has
Speaker 1: a different perspective and more of that like I don't
Speaker 1: give a fuck energy and more of the just say
Speaker 1: what you need to say and communicate. And that's really
Speaker 1: what I needed in a lot of the times where
Speaker 1: I was sitting quiet and like people pleasing and just
Speaker 1: like waiting around. And if it wasn't for me going
Speaker 1: to her, I wouldn't have responded differently. To certain circumstances
Speaker 1: in my relationships, and I would have been in the
Speaker 1: same cycle of sitting around and waiting for somebody to
Speaker 1: choose me and love me and this that, And her
Speaker 1: advice was, no, you go and get the thing that
Speaker 1: you want. You go and voice the thing that you need.
Speaker 1: And if that means you're gonna get reject did. If
Speaker 1: that means you're not going to get what you want,
Speaker 1: that's fine. That means that person is just not for you.
Speaker 1: And I've taken that on in my relationships and I've
Speaker 1: gotten new results from doing that. And in general, you
Speaker 1: just have to think when it comes to anything in
Speaker 1: your life, if it's not working out, it requires you
Speaker 1: to respond differently. So just think about whatever you haven't
Speaker 1: been doing, you probably have to do the opposite. So
Speaker 1: if you've been sitting around and waiting and wondering and this, that,
Speaker 1: maybe there does require a conversation to be had in
Speaker 1: your relationship. And I know I said at the beginning, Okay,
Speaker 1: take your attention off them and detach and this that,
Speaker 1: But there is a difference between like, Okay, there needs
Speaker 1: to be something said in your relationship and you are
Speaker 1: just waiting for somebody to validate you through like getting
Speaker 1: a good morning text, or I don't know them, like
Speaker 1: liking something on your story. And obviously I cannot discern
Speaker 1: that for you, but I think a lot of you
Speaker 1: guys can kind of know when maybe sometimes it is
Speaker 1: time to have a conversation. But I do always think
Speaker 1: not just dealing with your problems on your own is
Speaker 1: helpful if you can, of course, but also it's good
Speaker 1: because you don't want to respond right away when you
Speaker 1: are anxiously attached or triggered right with anything, if you
Speaker 1: are anger, if you're sad or this that because sometimes
Speaker 1: what you're gonna say maybe not, it's not actually gonna
Speaker 1: be the thing that's gonna help you, guys move forward.
Speaker 1: So again, if you can come to yourself, kind of
Speaker 1: assess the situation, have a conversation with somebody, that will
Speaker 1: do you wonders. Okay. Another thing that I've found that
Speaker 1: I do a lot when I'm dating someone is I
Speaker 1: like to put them on this pedestal and I like
Speaker 1: to put them high, and I like to oh my god,
Speaker 1: you are God. You are just a flawless human being,
Speaker 1: and nothing you do is bad, and nothing you do
Speaker 1: is wrong, and you're just perfect and you make no mistakes. Now,
Speaker 1: we are not trying to demonize and villainize and put
Speaker 1: this person down that we are liking in our life. Okay,
Speaker 1: we don't need to do that. We don't need to
Speaker 1: give them the energy of like f you and screw
Speaker 1: them and detach and decenter men until they they die. Like,
Speaker 1: we don't need to give that energy out. We don't
Speaker 1: need to. I love men. I love the people that
Speaker 1: I'm usually dating in a way like you know, have
Speaker 1: love for them. I respect them as human beings. I
Speaker 1: respect people in general. So I don't like to even
Speaker 1: have that type of energy. But you just have to
Speaker 1: be realistic. Okay, this person also has their own flaws,
Speaker 1: and you're so focused on your own flaws when you're
Speaker 1: anxiously attached and you're second guessing yourself and you're wondering
Speaker 1: if they like you, and this that that you need
Speaker 1: to take a little bit of that attention that you
Speaker 1: have on your own flaws and put a little bit
Speaker 1: of light on theirs. Okay. And this is simply this
Speaker 1: is an internal thing. Maybe it's a little journal session. Okay,
Speaker 1: we don't need to talk shit to our friends. And
Speaker 1: this that or like again, like we want to be
Speaker 1: like somewhat healthy with this, Okay, but the reality is
Speaker 1: they probably have flaws. Okay, So remind yourself of that.
Speaker 1: You don't need to put them on this freaking and
Speaker 1: Mount Everest and being like, oh my gosh, they're God
Speaker 1: and they nothing that they do is wrong or this that.
Speaker 1: And the reason why sometimes that's helpful is because it
Speaker 1: kind of reminds you, like, you know what, Okay, let
Speaker 1: me just relax for a second. They are not the
Speaker 1: end all be all, even if they're not treating me right,
Speaker 1: you know what, They're not the best thing on God's
Speaker 1: green Earth. There's somebody else that's probably maybe a little
Speaker 1: bit better in terms of the way that they treat
Speaker 1: me or whatever the case is. Sometimes you just have
Speaker 1: to remind yourself of that. Okay. And the last thing
Speaker 1: that I want to remind you of and that you
Speaker 1: need to remind yourself of when you are going through
Speaker 1: the process of being in a relationship, dating life, everything's
Speaker 1: relational essentially, is that this is the process. This is
Speaker 1: the process. And if you're triggered, if things feel shitty,
Speaker 1: if things are feeling messed up in chaotic and you
Speaker 1: don't know and whatever. It's all a part of the process,
Speaker 1: and you're in it. Okay, this is a part of
Speaker 1: the process. You being triggered right now as a part
Speaker 1: of the process. You breaking down right now as a
Speaker 1: part of the process. You not knowing your worth right now. Unfortunately,
Speaker 1: it's a part of the process, okay. And sometimes I
Speaker 1: feel like we create more anxiety and stress and we
Speaker 1: feel like we're failing and then we act out of
Speaker 1: those behaviors when we find things aren't going flawless. But
Speaker 1: I want you to just look at the reality of life,
Speaker 1: which is you're literally learning how to be in a relationship.
Speaker 1: You're learning how to date, You're learning your needs and
Speaker 1: your wants, You're learning how to communicate. You're learning and
Speaker 1: discerning who's good for you and who's not, and who's
Speaker 1: going to be your future husband and who is not. Okay,
Speaker 1: it's okay, just let it be. You didn't ruin anything.
Speaker 1: Nothing is ruined, even if things are feeling really like
Speaker 1: unstable right now. Like I remember, even when I was
Speaker 1: in that situation, I when I came to my senses
Speaker 1: a little bit after I cried, I was like, baby,
Speaker 1: this is life, this is what it is. I am
Speaker 1: learning something about myself right now. I am learning that
Speaker 1: I'm losing myself a little bit to my ancients attachment syle.
Speaker 1: I'm learning that, oh, I didn't really have a lot
Speaker 1: of self worth. Ooh. I'm learning that I need to
Speaker 1: give myself a little bit more credit for who I
Speaker 1: am as a person. I am learning that I tend
Speaker 1: to lose myself if I don't have these boundaries set
Speaker 1: in place. I am learning that I'm taking things very
Speaker 1: personally when someone else has their own boundaries, which should
Speaker 1: never be a thing. I'm learning a lot about myself.
Speaker 1: And on top of all that, the time and this space,
Speaker 1: in this uncomfortable feeling sometimes of building a relationship with someone,
Speaker 1: that's actually the journey of potentially being in a healthy
Speaker 1: relationship with someone. So it's okay, it's okay, and you
Speaker 1: guys are gonna be okay. So I hope you guys
Speaker 1: got something out of this episode. That's just the advice
Speaker 1: that I give myself. I run through that advice. I
Speaker 1: go to my friends now. I try not to project.
Speaker 1: I try not to go into the stories and the
Speaker 1: villainizing of somebody else when I'm feeling a certain type
Speaker 1: of way. Of course, there's sometimes or you need to
Speaker 1: discern whether you're dealing with somebody who clearly does not
Speaker 1: have the capacity to show up for you, and you
Speaker 1: need to know your worth, right, you need to stand
Speaker 1: in your worth, and you need to remind yourself of
Speaker 1: what you deserve, which is way more than what you
Speaker 1: probably got in your past, but also just reminding yourself
Speaker 1: that this is just this is life. Okay, how are
Speaker 1: you going to get the most beautiful relationship, the most lovingness,
Speaker 1: that the most success in your life if you don't
Speaker 1: go through this process. So do your best to embrace
Speaker 1: it right now. And I know it's so difficult. How
Speaker 1: do you embrace the moment when you're literally on your
Speaker 1: floor crying and being anxiously attached and being like, oh
Speaker 1: my god, I didn't get a text that meaning he
Speaker 1: doesn't like me. Trust me, I know, but understand that
Speaker 1: this is all a very small but important piece of
Speaker 1: that puzzle that is the entirety of your relational life.
Speaker 1: And you are going to to get exactly what you deserve.
Speaker 1: But the only way you're going to get what you
Speaker 1: deserve is if you sometimes experience what you don't. But
Speaker 1: if you just sit with yourself and you say, what
Speaker 1: do I want for myself? What do I deserve? What
Speaker 1: did I not get in childhood? What do I want
Speaker 1: moving forward? And you stand in that and you remind
Speaker 1: yourself of your worth and you show up for yourself.
Speaker 1: And on the days that you realize that you've lost yourself,
Speaker 1: you don't get mad at yourself. You understand that this
Speaker 1: is a normal part of being a human being, because unfortunately,
Speaker 1: your attachment style is essentially your trauma response, and that
Speaker 1: lives in your nervous system sometimes and you cannot control that,
Speaker 1: which means you will get triggered from time to time.
Speaker 1: And instead of you trying to combat that by never
Speaker 1: getting triggered because that this doesn't happen, how can you
Speaker 1: learn to respond differently? Okay, so when you're triggered, how
Speaker 1: can you be with yourself instead of running away from
Speaker 1: yourself and trying to get somebody to text you or
Speaker 1: to love you or to show up for you. Doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that that can't be a thing, and you don't
Speaker 1: communicate that that might be a thing you need to do.
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, your inner child
Speaker 1: needs you right now. It need you to be here
Speaker 1: with yourself and needs you to speak words of affirmation, love, kindness.
Speaker 1: You haven't been talking to yourself nicely, girl, I know
Speaker 1: you have not. You've been talking to yourself like, Oh,
Speaker 1: I don't really know if he likes me. Oh, I'm
Speaker 1: not really sure if you think so. I'm the one.
Speaker 1: Why are you thinking like that? That's crazy? Please stop.
Speaker 1: You are the one. You are one of one. You
Speaker 1: need to remind yourself of that, and you need to
Speaker 1: show up for yourself, and you to have those routines,
Speaker 1: and you need to give yourself grace on the days
Speaker 1: that you don't have those routines because you are what
Speaker 1: say it with me. Guys, You're a human being and
Speaker 1: not every day is going to be perfect. Do your
Speaker 1: best to regulate your nervous system. Actually, maybe I'll just
Speaker 1: mention this if you find you're really triggered in a
Speaker 1: moment in time where you just like you can't breathe
Speaker 1: and you can't think, and you can't move and you
Speaker 1: can't do anything until you get somebody to see you
Speaker 1: or show up for you. But you also can't get
Speaker 1: them to do that because like literally they won't. Please also,
Speaker 1: don't triple a million text people sometimes, yes, you need
Speaker 1: to like tell them maybe how you're feeling in the moment,
Speaker 1: but like other than that, can't really do anything beyond that.
Speaker 1: Go do a guide of meditation or breath work. Type
Speaker 1: in the Mindful Movement on YouTube and type in like
Speaker 1: ten minute meditation for anxiety or something like that. I
Speaker 1: promise you that is you showing up for yourself more
Speaker 1: than you waiting for somebody to show it for you,
Speaker 1: way better. It'll be way better for you, and it
Speaker 1: might not fix everything. You might still be a little
Speaker 1: bit anxious afterwards, but it will help you do wonders.
Speaker 1: When you're in that state, your nervous system is literally
Speaker 1: in fight or flight and you can't think straight, and
Speaker 1: you can't eat, and you can't move and you can't
Speaker 1: whatever you know. So I always find doing things for
Speaker 1: your nervous system, which is yes, detaching from the situation
Speaker 1: that's giving you distress anyways, doing a guide of meditation,
Speaker 1: doing some breath work, going for a long walk, listening
Speaker 1: to a podcast that's going to get your mind right.
Speaker 1: Go get yourself a sweet street, take some time off
Speaker 1: of work, if you can give yourself a little break,
Speaker 1: take a nap, talk to your best friend, let it out.
Speaker 1: Do not go in a spiral into these stupid stories
Speaker 1: or you're gonna tell yourself about what you get to
Speaker 1: have in your life, or how this person doesn't like
Speaker 1: you or they're rejecting you, or this that. Do not
Speaker 1: go on their Instagram and creep them and wonder what
Speaker 1: they're doing. Do not go and creep the xs. Do
Speaker 1: not go and freakin' whatever. I know those behaviors. Trust me,
Speaker 1: I know every behavior under the sun because I've done
Speaker 1: it before. Trust me, it ain't gonna do you any good. Okay,
Speaker 1: So I hope you guys enjoyed. Maybe actually you could
Speaker 1: get my book, The Ultimate Globe Guide, that might help
Speaker 1: you if you are triggered. It'll be linked down below.
Speaker 1: Make sure to subscribe if you're watching on YouTube. Also
Speaker 1: make sure to follow if you're listening on Spotify or Apple.
Speaker 1: And if you are listening on YouTube, just know my
Speaker 1: podcast is available audio style wherever you listen to your podcast,
Speaker 1: essentially the Globe Secret Podcasts. I hope you guys enjoyed,
Speaker 1: and I'll see the next one. Bye.