WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:02.560 Hello everyone, and welcome back to another podcast episode. My 2 00:00:02.640 --> 00:00:05.160 name is Alicia Gogin, the host of the Globe Secrets podcast. 3 00:00:05.360 --> 00:00:08.039 Who I help you expand your mind and become more 4 00:00:08.039 --> 00:00:10.240 self awares that you can glow up into the best 5 00:00:10.320 --> 00:00:14.080 version of yourself. Okay, welcome. I was gonna say, welcome 6 00:00:14.119 --> 00:00:17.480 to Sunday Service. Please, why do I do this? Welcome 7 00:00:17.519 --> 00:00:21.440 to Sunday Service. It's probably not going to be on 8 00:00:21.480 --> 00:00:23.679 a Sunday. It will be on Friday that I post 9 00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:27.839 this episode. Listen, we need to talk. We need to 10 00:00:27.920 --> 00:00:30.839 discuss this topic we have been discussing on the channel, 11 00:00:30.839 --> 00:00:33.399 but it needs to be discussed more. Which is anxious attachment, 12 00:00:33.399 --> 00:00:36.600 which is self abandoning, which is losing yourself in a 13 00:00:36.679 --> 00:00:40.520 relationship or in the phases of dating, etc. Okay, I 14 00:00:40.520 --> 00:00:42.439 feel like I have a good message. That's why I 15 00:00:42.479 --> 00:00:45.399 said Sunday Service. It's not to be taken literally, but 16 00:00:45.520 --> 00:00:48.759 do with it what you will. So let's start off 17 00:00:48.759 --> 00:00:52.560 with a little story. Okay, And this has happened many 18 00:00:52.640 --> 00:00:55.719 times in my life being somebody who's been anxiously attached 19 00:00:55.719 --> 00:00:59.039 and triggered. And you know, when you're anxiously attached and 20 00:00:59.159 --> 00:01:04.719 you go into that energy of you cannot function and 21 00:01:04.760 --> 00:01:07.959 you cannot breathe, and you cannot be calm until you 22 00:01:08.040 --> 00:01:11.680 have somebody reach back out to you or that text 23 00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:14.760 is answered, or they text you or you get an answer. Right, 24 00:01:15.239 --> 00:01:19.439 it's like that visceral. It's like a panic attack. Okay, 25 00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:23.280 I've had many of those times being somebody who's anxiously 26 00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:26.120 attached in her relationships. So let's bring it back to 27 00:01:26.120 --> 00:01:27.959 one of those times. Okay, there is this time that 28 00:01:28.079 --> 00:01:32.879 I was obsessing over this person that I was in, 29 00:01:33.400 --> 00:01:36.760 not an actual relationship with even yet, but I was 30 00:01:37.200 --> 00:01:39.920 just you know, focused on them and their attention and 31 00:01:40.239 --> 00:01:42.959 micromanaging every move and I was making meaning out of 32 00:01:43.000 --> 00:01:45.400 if they didn't text me that day, or why they 33 00:01:45.599 --> 00:01:48.680 didn't respond to this, or you know. Do you know 34 00:01:48.719 --> 00:01:51.079 how you get when you're anxiously attached? And I remember 35 00:01:51.159 --> 00:01:55.200 I was doing this for about two to three solid 36 00:01:55.239 --> 00:02:00.519 weeks because there was also some distance between us around time, 37 00:02:00.719 --> 00:02:03.400 so I feel like everything was really heightened. I feel 38 00:02:03.400 --> 00:02:06.200 like when you're disconnected or you don't see your person 39 00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:09.840 in person for a while, let's say you're long distance 40 00:02:09.919 --> 00:02:11.919 or whatever, you can definitely tend to get even more 41 00:02:11.960 --> 00:02:14.479 anxious because you don't really like see them, and you're 42 00:02:14.479 --> 00:02:17.199 not getting that reassurance whatever. This person was busy, this 43 00:02:17.240 --> 00:02:19.919 person was doing their own thing, and it was very logical. 44 00:02:19.960 --> 00:02:23.479 I understood that, but there was still those triggers that 45 00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:27.000 were happening because I was just naturally anxiously attached. So 46 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:29.680 it was ongoing. Okay. The reason why I'm saying it 47 00:02:29.719 --> 00:02:31.280 was like two three weeks is because I just want 48 00:02:31.319 --> 00:02:35.240 you to like really understand the amount of deep and 49 00:02:35.400 --> 00:02:38.360 utter stress that I was putting myself through every day, 50 00:02:38.520 --> 00:02:44.000 waking up, analyzing their behaviors, analyzing texts, wondering second guessing 51 00:02:44.039 --> 00:02:46.000 in my worth, wondering if they were going to choose me, 52 00:02:46.080 --> 00:02:48.439 wondering if they still liked me. And I remember at 53 00:02:48.439 --> 00:02:51.919 the end of the few weeks that I was, you know, 54 00:02:52.039 --> 00:02:54.639 stressing every day and like you know, even talking to 55 00:02:54.680 --> 00:02:57.680 my friend about it and just dissecting everything. I hit 56 00:02:57.680 --> 00:02:59.840 a breaking point, as you usually do, right you get 57 00:02:59.840 --> 00:03:01.800 to point where you're so anxious where it's just like 58 00:03:01.960 --> 00:03:04.120 you end up crying, or you end up being like, 59 00:03:05.240 --> 00:03:06.919 I can't even do this anymore. You just like want 60 00:03:06.919 --> 00:03:08.599 to be done with it because you can't really get 61 00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:11.280 a response, or you can't get the feeling that you 62 00:03:11.360 --> 00:03:15.560 really want, which is safety essentially or reassurance or whatever 63 00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:17.560 the case is. And I remember when I was having 64 00:03:17.560 --> 00:03:20.919 this breakdown, it was so visceral. It was so loud. 65 00:03:21.479 --> 00:03:24.599 My anxiety was so loud. I remember sitting and just 66 00:03:24.680 --> 00:03:27.080 crying and crying and crying. I couldn't even stop myself 67 00:03:27.080 --> 00:03:29.280 from crying. It almost like I went into this like 68 00:03:29.360 --> 00:03:34.520 hyperventilation because I was so extremely just distraught, and I 69 00:03:34.560 --> 00:03:37.680 wasn't distraught really about anything that person did. I was 70 00:03:37.800 --> 00:03:40.759 just like so like I knew myself at that point still, 71 00:03:40.800 --> 00:03:42.319 like I knew that I had anxious attachment, and I 72 00:03:42.360 --> 00:03:44.240 already knew like why I was responding the way that 73 00:03:44.240 --> 00:03:46.439 I was, but again, I was still doing it. And 74 00:03:46.479 --> 00:03:48.319 so I just got to this breaking point of like, 75 00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:50.240 oh my god, I'm so tired of this and I 76 00:03:50.319 --> 00:03:54.000 just can't, like I'm just really done with this. And 77 00:03:54.719 --> 00:03:57.039 after I stopped crying and I knew I needed to 78 00:03:57.120 --> 00:03:58.879 let it out and just keep crying and let it 79 00:03:58.919 --> 00:04:01.240 out and let it out and let it out, I 80 00:04:01.319 --> 00:04:08.439 was like, holy shit, my anxiety and my emotions they're 81 00:04:08.719 --> 00:04:12.639 so loud right now, and they're so loud right now, 82 00:04:12.680 --> 00:04:16.600 because it's really this deep reflection of how much I've 83 00:04:16.639 --> 00:04:20.000 abandoned myself the past few weeks, and this is how 84 00:04:20.040 --> 00:04:21.160 I like to look at it, and this is kind 85 00:04:21.160 --> 00:04:22.279 of how I looked at it when I was in 86 00:04:22.319 --> 00:04:26.199 that situation. It was almost like my inner child needed 87 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:27.920 her needs met, and I was trying to get her 88 00:04:27.920 --> 00:04:30.680 needs met only by this other person, which is never 89 00:04:30.720 --> 00:04:33.959 good because no one can, ever outside of you, always 90 00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:37.920 meet your needs in the most flawless way, even if 91 00:04:37.959 --> 00:04:41.800 you're in a secure, healthy attachment, Like it's just kind 92 00:04:41.800 --> 00:04:44.759 of impossible to always want. That doesn't mean you don't want, 93 00:04:44.759 --> 00:04:46.759 that doesn't mean that people need to show up a 94 00:04:46.759 --> 00:04:50.560 certain way in your life. Yes, but realistically, I was 95 00:04:50.920 --> 00:04:53.720 putting all my attention and trying to get my needs met, 96 00:04:53.759 --> 00:04:56.560 my inner child's needs met by getting that reassurance and 97 00:04:56.600 --> 00:04:58.800 getting that love and getting that validation from this person. 98 00:04:59.160 --> 00:05:02.079 And mind you, during this time, we weren't even in 99 00:05:02.240 --> 00:05:05.160 a committed, solid relationship, so it was a little bit 100 00:05:05.199 --> 00:05:07.439 hard to even do that. And I knew that logically 101 00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:10.639 because it was like the beginning stage is kind of 102 00:05:10.680 --> 00:05:13.920 a relationship. So I was realizing, like, wow, I was 103 00:05:14.439 --> 00:05:17.399 dishonoring myself and abandoning my inner child who needed her 104 00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:21.600 needs met by going outside of me and looking for 105 00:05:21.639 --> 00:05:24.680 those needs and somebody who couldn't really even do that. 106 00:05:24.800 --> 00:05:26.879 And this person, by the way, wasn't even a toxic person. 107 00:05:26.920 --> 00:05:29.000 But I was so obsessed with that person and my 108 00:05:29.040 --> 00:05:32.399 attention was on them so much that no wonder, my 109 00:05:32.480 --> 00:05:35.800 inner child felt like she had no other option but 110 00:05:35.879 --> 00:05:38.519 to just break down and cry. And the cries were 111 00:05:38.600 --> 00:05:41.639 so loud because I wasn't even listening to her, I 112 00:05:41.720 --> 00:05:44.079 wasn't even connected to her. Every single day I woke 113 00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:46.279 up and I said, I'm gonna abandon you, and I'm 114 00:05:46.279 --> 00:05:48.319 gonna put my attention on this person and I'm gonna 115 00:05:48.360 --> 00:05:50.720 watch them, and I'm gonna wait, and I'm gonna wonder. 116 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:54.920 And on top of that, no wonder her anxiety, no wonder, 117 00:05:55.120 --> 00:05:58.199 her emotions were so loud, and no wonder, she felt 118 00:05:58.240 --> 00:06:00.000 like shit because you know what else I was doing 119 00:06:00.839 --> 00:06:03.480 as I was having my attention on that person and 120 00:06:03.560 --> 00:06:06.639 waiting and wondering and am I deserving? And are they 121 00:06:06.639 --> 00:06:09.600 gonna pick me? And are they gonna text me? What 122 00:06:09.639 --> 00:06:12.319 that message sent to my inner child was You're not 123 00:06:12.360 --> 00:06:15.839 good enough, you don't deserve love. Maybe you'll get it. 124 00:06:15.920 --> 00:06:20.279 Maybe you won't imagine how that part of you feels. 125 00:06:20.920 --> 00:06:24.360 When every day you wake up and you wait for 126 00:06:24.439 --> 00:06:28.000 somebody to text you, you wait for somebody to choose you, 127 00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:31.399 you wait for somebody to love you. It's no wonder 128 00:06:31.839 --> 00:06:34.399 you get so anxious. It's no wonder you feel like shit. 129 00:06:34.439 --> 00:06:37.759 It's no wonder you start acting out of these behaviors. 130 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:41.279 Every day, I chose to leave myself. Every day, I 131 00:06:41.399 --> 00:06:44.439 chose to put my energy on every single other thing 132 00:06:44.560 --> 00:06:46.879 in my life other than myself and my own needs 133 00:06:46.879 --> 00:06:50.120 and my own wants. And also every single day I 134 00:06:50.199 --> 00:06:53.000 was telling myself, you're not enough. And so, if you've 135 00:06:53.000 --> 00:06:56.000 ever been through this situation, and I've been through it 136 00:06:56.040 --> 00:06:59.360 many times, I want to give you some advice. And 137 00:06:59.399 --> 00:07:01.079 the first thing that I actually want to say to 138 00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:06.480 you is you are not a flawed human being, because 139 00:07:07.319 --> 00:07:10.759 that's the type of dynamic that you get into. You 140 00:07:10.839 --> 00:07:14.399 have learned to be anxious, You have learned to second 141 00:07:14.439 --> 00:07:17.000 guess yourself, you have learned to wait around for people 142 00:07:17.000 --> 00:07:20.319 to choose you. For me, when I was younger, this 143 00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:24.199 was very prevalent. With my father, I learned that my 144 00:07:24.319 --> 00:07:29.240 needs didn't matter. I didn't get that reassurance. I didn't 145 00:07:29.279 --> 00:07:31.600 know if he was going to be consistently showing up 146 00:07:31.639 --> 00:07:37.000 for me. So I learned that with love, to gain 147 00:07:37.040 --> 00:07:41.240 someone's love, you must wait, You must let them decide. 148 00:07:42.000 --> 00:07:45.839 You must second guess your own worth. You probably aren't 149 00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:48.600 deserving of love to begin with, and so when you 150 00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:52.360 get into dynamics when you're older, that is what plays 151 00:07:52.360 --> 00:07:55.519 out your attachment styles. Now, that could be with a father, 152 00:07:55.560 --> 00:07:57.519 it could be with your mother, it could be with whoever, 153 00:07:57.879 --> 00:08:01.160 even just your closest caregivers, or it could just be 154 00:08:01.199 --> 00:08:04.759 from past relationships. But realistically, your past relationships are still 155 00:08:04.759 --> 00:08:07.959 stemmed from those early childhood attachments. So I want you 156 00:08:08.040 --> 00:08:11.160 to give yourself love and compassion and to understand the 157 00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:15.000 part of you that kept leaving yourself, leaving your inner child, 158 00:08:15.079 --> 00:08:19.000 leaving the real deep needs of love and connection that 159 00:08:19.040 --> 00:08:21.959 you do deserve and that you do need to have met. 160 00:08:22.199 --> 00:08:25.000 Understand that that part of you just learned how to 161 00:08:25.040 --> 00:08:28.360 meet your needs in a way of going outside of 162 00:08:28.399 --> 00:08:32.200 yourself and saying, Okay, who can help me, who will 163 00:08:32.240 --> 00:08:34.639 love me, who will whatever? Because that's what you learned 164 00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:37.039 to do. When you're younger, you waited around for love, 165 00:08:37.840 --> 00:08:40.279 you waited, and in a lot of the times you 166 00:08:40.320 --> 00:08:42.159 didn't even get it. Now, I'm going to give you 167 00:08:42.159 --> 00:08:45.200 a few tips of what I have done in the 168 00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:47.799 times that I get triggered and I'm in that state 169 00:08:47.879 --> 00:08:50.720 of that story, like I just said, And I'm also 170 00:08:50.759 --> 00:08:52.879 going to give you a lot of really good tips 171 00:08:52.919 --> 00:08:55.559 that I feel like can be helpful for the times 172 00:08:55.559 --> 00:08:57.480 that you are in the dating stages or you're in 173 00:08:57.480 --> 00:09:01.200 a relationship currently, even if you're in a situation, but genuinely, 174 00:09:01.279 --> 00:09:03.799 even if you're just like not necessarily as triggered as 175 00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:06.399 the story that I just told you, because I think 176 00:09:06.440 --> 00:09:11.080 that this is a journey, it's a cycle. It doesn't 177 00:09:11.120 --> 00:09:13.440 mean that you implement one tip and then all of 178 00:09:13.480 --> 00:09:17.080 a sudden you never get triggered again. I still get 179 00:09:17.120 --> 00:09:20.679 triggered sometimes into my anxious attachment. But I feel like 180 00:09:20.720 --> 00:09:22.720 the tips and the advice that I have that I'm 181 00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:26.519 gonna give to you guys, has really helped me pull 182 00:09:26.639 --> 00:09:30.200 back and not act out of that anxious attachment and 183 00:09:30.279 --> 00:09:32.279 kind of make everything a little bit more messy than 184 00:09:32.320 --> 00:09:34.559 it needs to be. And I'm able to kind of 185 00:09:34.559 --> 00:09:36.600 be with myself a little bit more so. When I 186 00:09:36.679 --> 00:09:41.279 was in that breakdown, and I realized, Wow, the reason 187 00:09:41.360 --> 00:09:44.279 why my anxiety and my emotions are so loud right 188 00:09:44.279 --> 00:09:48.080 now is because I've abandoned myself. Like I'm not with myself, 189 00:09:48.120 --> 00:09:51.159 I'm with him. I'm with my energies with him every 190 00:09:51.240 --> 00:09:54.039 second of the day. I realize, the only way that 191 00:09:54.080 --> 00:09:55.919 I'm going to feel happy right now, the only way 192 00:09:55.960 --> 00:09:58.919 I'm going to feel at ease. Actually, let's take away happy, 193 00:09:58.919 --> 00:10:00.960 because that's not even what I'm trying to be right now. 194 00:10:01.039 --> 00:10:03.440 Is even happy. I just want to be stable, right like. 195 00:10:03.480 --> 00:10:05.960 I just want to feel like not like shit. I 196 00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:08.279 can't wait around for this man to come back into 197 00:10:08.279 --> 00:10:10.679 my life or give me the validation or give me 198 00:10:10.759 --> 00:10:13.320 the text, or give me whatever, because I know I'm 199 00:10:13.360 --> 00:10:15.360 smart enough to know that even when he comes back 200 00:10:15.399 --> 00:10:18.519 and he does that, I'll still be anxious as soon 201 00:10:18.519 --> 00:10:21.159 as he leaves again. And I don't mean leave as 202 00:10:21.240 --> 00:10:25.600 in unhealthy. I mean leave because it's a healthy, secure attachment, 203 00:10:25.840 --> 00:10:28.440 and he has his attention on something else, And honestly, 204 00:10:29.000 --> 00:10:32.879 I don't want to be at the mercy of someone 205 00:10:32.960 --> 00:10:36.039 else's energy. I don't want to only feel good when 206 00:10:36.080 --> 00:10:38.480 I get that text back. I want to feel good 207 00:10:38.679 --> 00:10:41.080 right now. I do not want to have to wait 208 00:10:41.120 --> 00:10:43.679 around all day and wait for that text to put 209 00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:46.440 me at ease. And please, if you're in that state 210 00:10:46.519 --> 00:10:48.600 right now, or you have been, or you sometimes get 211 00:10:48.600 --> 00:10:52.279 into that state, I really hope that you make that 212 00:10:52.320 --> 00:10:54.679 a goal for yourself, to learn how to put yourself 213 00:10:54.720 --> 00:10:58.399 at ease without the need of that person giving you 214 00:10:58.440 --> 00:11:02.240 that energy back. And I'm gonna disclaim this here. It 215 00:11:02.279 --> 00:11:05.320 doesn't mean that that text won't feel amazing when it 216 00:11:05.360 --> 00:11:08.120 does come okay, And I just want you to like 217 00:11:08.279 --> 00:11:11.080 tell yourself that message as well, it's okay. If there's 218 00:11:11.080 --> 00:11:13.159 a part of you that still wants that message, of 219 00:11:13.240 --> 00:11:15.200 course you're gonna feel a little bit better. And of 220 00:11:15.240 --> 00:11:17.679 course things would be actually even better if they did text, 221 00:11:17.720 --> 00:11:19.360 you know, or if they did come back, or if 222 00:11:19.399 --> 00:11:22.679 you did get their energy. Yes, but I want you 223 00:11:23.240 --> 00:11:25.200 to take back your personal power and I want you 224 00:11:25.240 --> 00:11:28.440 to show up for your inner child that needs you. 225 00:11:28.440 --> 00:11:31.600 Your inner child does not need you to wait around 226 00:11:31.600 --> 00:11:34.279 anymore for someone to choose you or to love you. 227 00:11:34.600 --> 00:11:36.679 And I think about the time when I was younger, 228 00:11:36.879 --> 00:11:39.200 and I sat and I was lonely, and I was 229 00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:45.440 waiting always for love, always waiting for something from my father, 230 00:11:45.759 --> 00:11:48.279 something from my parents, just waiting. I was also an 231 00:11:48.320 --> 00:11:51.480 only child. I have half siblings, same dad, different moms, 232 00:11:51.480 --> 00:11:53.200 but we didn't live in the same house, so I 233 00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:55.120 was alone a lot of time. I just remember just 234 00:11:55.159 --> 00:12:00.120 waiting and waiting and just being so alone. And what 235 00:12:00.200 --> 00:12:03.360 you can give yourself now as an adult is that 236 00:12:03.399 --> 00:12:06.120 gift to your inner child of baby. We're not waiting anymore. 237 00:12:06.279 --> 00:12:08.399 We are not waiting for anyone to choose us. We 238 00:12:08.440 --> 00:12:11.000 are not waiting to have fun, we are not waiting 239 00:12:11.039 --> 00:12:13.240 to be happy. We are going to build a life 240 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:15.440 where we can feel good right now. I want you 241 00:12:15.519 --> 00:12:19.399 to save yourself. So coming back to yourself requires you 242 00:12:19.720 --> 00:12:25.120 to let go for a moment, detach from that person 243 00:12:25.480 --> 00:12:30.440 or that circumstance that's triggering you that you've had your 244 00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:32.799 attention on. For this case, I will just give that 245 00:12:32.879 --> 00:12:36.559 example as a person, and I'm saying a man just 246 00:12:36.639 --> 00:12:40.960 because I date men. Somebody left in my comments asking 247 00:12:41.639 --> 00:12:46.600 if I was homophobic because I say that I am 248 00:12:46.639 --> 00:12:49.440 a woman and I date men. I just want to 249 00:12:49.440 --> 00:12:51.879 make this very clear. The only reason why I even 250 00:12:51.919 --> 00:12:53.759 say that is because when I don't say that, and 251 00:12:53.799 --> 00:12:56.480 I just talk from experience, people will be like, why 252 00:12:56.519 --> 00:12:59.639 can't you use examples of dating women or this that 253 00:13:00.039 --> 00:13:03.759 I don't date women. I have nothing against anyone. Okay, 254 00:13:03.799 --> 00:13:05.879 I just don't date women, so I'm not going to 255 00:13:05.960 --> 00:13:10.279 speak on that. Circumstance. Does not mean that I do 256 00:13:10.320 --> 00:13:14.360 not like all types of people. Okay. I love everyone seriously, 257 00:13:14.399 --> 00:13:15.960 and if you don't think that, then I'm sorry that 258 00:13:15.960 --> 00:13:18.399 that's what you think. But absolutely not. I am simply 259 00:13:18.600 --> 00:13:21.519 just speaking from experience. I date men and I identify 260 00:13:21.559 --> 00:13:23.240 as a woman, so that's where I'm coming from. But 261 00:13:23.279 --> 00:13:25.279 I always say you can take my advice and you 262 00:13:25.279 --> 00:13:26.759 can flip it and you can use it to your 263 00:13:26.759 --> 00:13:30.240 own circumstance, whether you date women, whether you date men, 264 00:13:30.360 --> 00:13:33.799 if you're a man, whatever the case is, everyone is welcome. 265 00:13:34.320 --> 00:13:36.799 Please do not get offended by anything that I say. 266 00:13:36.799 --> 00:13:39.279 And when it comes to that, so anyways, when I 267 00:13:39.399 --> 00:13:43.919 see myself being in this anxious, attached version of me, 268 00:13:44.320 --> 00:13:47.200 and I'm saying version because it's just a part of 269 00:13:47.240 --> 00:13:49.879 your story, it's not who you are entirely, which I 270 00:13:50.000 --> 00:13:53.399 will talk about at the end as well. I had 271 00:13:53.480 --> 00:13:56.320 to detach from the man because I knew that, like 272 00:13:56.759 --> 00:13:59.559 even if he did text me or whatever, I'm just 273 00:13:59.639 --> 00:14:01.679 gonna go back into this ancient attachment style as soon 274 00:14:01.720 --> 00:14:03.519 as I don't hear from him again, you know. And 275 00:14:03.679 --> 00:14:05.679 also I want to be I want to have my 276 00:14:05.759 --> 00:14:10.039 power right now, so deattaching from the situation and first 277 00:14:10.120 --> 00:14:15.960 assessing if this person is somebody who is healthy and 278 00:14:16.360 --> 00:14:19.840 you are just getting triggered, or maybe seriously you are, 279 00:14:21.240 --> 00:14:23.679 you know, getting more triggered than you need to be. 280 00:14:24.519 --> 00:14:27.000 Even if you have anxious attachment, you're getting more triggered 281 00:14:27.000 --> 00:14:28.919 than you need to be because there's actually a real 282 00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:31.600 reason to be triggered. And I know sometimes it's hard 283 00:14:31.679 --> 00:14:36.559 to discern that, but I know times where I'm just 284 00:14:36.679 --> 00:14:40.919 being triggered by distance or less communication in the beginnings 285 00:14:40.919 --> 00:14:43.840 of let's say a dating phase with a healthy man, 286 00:14:43.919 --> 00:14:46.879 and I just I know it's just a natural, like 287 00:14:47.399 --> 00:14:50.799 healthy progression of a relationship where not every single second 288 00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:53.240 you're talking and I have to like remind myself of that. 289 00:14:53.720 --> 00:14:56.919 Or if genuinely I'm talking to a guy and he's 290 00:14:56.960 --> 00:14:59.559 really avoidant and this is a pattern and he keeps 291 00:14:59.600 --> 00:15:02.159 going up post. I think that that's important for you 292 00:15:02.200 --> 00:15:04.200 to discern if you can, because I think it can 293 00:15:04.200 --> 00:15:07.320 help your logical brain understand what is going on. Are 294 00:15:07.360 --> 00:15:11.240 you dealing with somebody who's clearly avoidant and triggering the 295 00:15:11.360 --> 00:15:13.679 f out of you? And in that case, do you 296 00:15:13.720 --> 00:15:15.720 really even want to put your time and attention and 297 00:15:16.519 --> 00:15:20.519 abandon yourself, your beautiful self, for somebody who's not showing 298 00:15:20.600 --> 00:15:22.679 up for you. And I think about this in terms 299 00:15:22.679 --> 00:15:24.399 when it comes to like my dad, It's like I 300 00:15:24.440 --> 00:15:28.320 never deserve that. My beautiful little soul as a child 301 00:15:28.519 --> 00:15:31.879 did not for one second deserve to second guess herself 302 00:15:32.080 --> 00:15:34.200 and wait around for love. She did not deserve that. 303 00:15:34.279 --> 00:15:36.320 Unfortunately I couldn't walk away from that because he is 304 00:15:36.399 --> 00:15:39.879 my father. But now in my life, in my adulthood life, 305 00:15:39.960 --> 00:15:43.480 I am not dealing with that. Okay, So see where 306 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:46.360 you're at with Is this a person that's way more avoidant, 307 00:15:46.360 --> 00:15:49.759 they're not taking responsibility and like they're ghosting you, or 308 00:15:49.840 --> 00:15:52.559 is it this person who maybe you're just progressing naturally 309 00:15:52.639 --> 00:15:56.600 and there's some distance. And if there's some distance, understand 310 00:15:56.639 --> 00:15:59.000 that this is a normal part of what dating or 311 00:15:59.080 --> 00:16:02.799 even relationships or building a secure attachment style is. Just 312 00:16:03.200 --> 00:16:05.960 sit with yourself for a second and discern that and 313 00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:08.159 decide which one it is. But regardless of which type 314 00:16:08.159 --> 00:16:11.120 of person you're even dealing with. This is where your 315 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:15.600 work starts. When I am triggered, I go right to 316 00:16:15.679 --> 00:16:18.720 my self concept. Okay, first, actually, when I'm triggered, I 317 00:16:18.799 --> 00:16:20.799 usually let myself cry and then I realize, oh my gosh, 318 00:16:21.200 --> 00:16:24.120 I'm banding myself and oh my god, I'm so sorry, 319 00:16:24.600 --> 00:16:27.240 inner child. I will not leave you again. Things like that, 320 00:16:27.559 --> 00:16:29.840 and if you leave her again, it's fine, that's a 321 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:33.679 natural part of being a human being. But I like 322 00:16:33.759 --> 00:16:35.799 to come back to my self concept because this is 323 00:16:35.799 --> 00:16:38.120 what happens when you're triggered as well. Okay, Like I said, 324 00:16:38.159 --> 00:16:40.720 that second piece of the messaging that I was telling 325 00:16:40.759 --> 00:16:43.279 my inner child when I was obsessed over this person 326 00:16:43.519 --> 00:16:46.519 was You're not good enough. He probably doesn't like you, 327 00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:51.440 he's probably losing interest, etc. Etc. That Right there is 328 00:16:51.480 --> 00:16:54.200 a deep reflection of how you look at yourself. So 329 00:16:54.759 --> 00:16:58.240 right now, you have pretty low self esteem. Right now, 330 00:16:58.279 --> 00:17:00.279 you don't really look at yourself like you are the 331 00:17:00.320 --> 00:17:04.400 it girl. Right now, you don't really back yourself. You 332 00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:07.680 lost a lot of your confidence, babe. So what I 333 00:17:07.759 --> 00:17:10.839 like to do is I'll take a journal. I will 334 00:17:11.079 --> 00:17:12.960 even talk to a friend if they can kind of 335 00:17:13.000 --> 00:17:15.200 give me that support or advice or I'll even go 336 00:17:15.240 --> 00:17:17.799 to a podcast, whatever you got to do. Right Again, 337 00:17:17.880 --> 00:17:20.480 we're detached from this person. We don't need the validation 338 00:17:20.519 --> 00:17:23.799 from this person. It doesn't literally matter because we can 339 00:17:23.799 --> 00:17:25.440 do this ourselves right now. But I want you to 340 00:17:25.480 --> 00:17:29.480 take this time to remind yourself of who you are, 341 00:17:29.920 --> 00:17:35.480 because holy did you forget that? Did you forget how 342 00:17:35.960 --> 00:17:39.880 beautiful you are? How unique you are, how kind you are, 343 00:17:40.519 --> 00:17:44.079 how attentive to other people's needs that you are, How 344 00:17:44.119 --> 00:17:46.359 good of a girlfriend that you are or you could be, 345 00:17:46.640 --> 00:17:50.000 or you are becoming, or what about how committed you 346 00:17:50.039 --> 00:17:54.759 are to your healing journey, your self transformation. You're waking 347 00:17:54.839 --> 00:17:58.400 up and you're trying your journaling, you're working on your mindset. 348 00:17:58.599 --> 00:18:00.559 You're going to the gym sometime you're not going to 349 00:18:00.640 --> 00:18:02.920 the gym because you know, you're going through life and 350 00:18:02.960 --> 00:18:06.440 you're being a human being. So what you should love 351 00:18:06.440 --> 00:18:09.000 that about yourself? You should love that about yourself, that 352 00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:12.640 you are a flawed human being. Yep, I make mistakes sometimes, 353 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:16.680 And you know what, if I can accept myself and 354 00:18:16.759 --> 00:18:20.599 I know that I leave room for mistakes and errors 355 00:18:20.720 --> 00:18:23.799 and being a human being, someone else is gonna love 356 00:18:23.839 --> 00:18:26.319 that because they're gonna know that they can be a 357 00:18:26.400 --> 00:18:28.319 human being as well, and they don't have to show 358 00:18:28.400 --> 00:18:32.240 up one hundred percent of the time, perfect, flawless, and 359 00:18:32.279 --> 00:18:35.119 they don't feel pressure to be anyone but themselves. And 360 00:18:35.160 --> 00:18:37.720 that's not from a place of you're gonna let people 361 00:18:37.759 --> 00:18:39.640 in your life and they're not gonna show up the 362 00:18:39.640 --> 00:18:42.640 way that you expect or you deserve. It's not about that. 363 00:18:43.279 --> 00:18:46.720 But people love people who are real and you are real. 364 00:18:47.000 --> 00:18:50.200 Or have you ever thought about when you first started 365 00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:54.200 dating this person or having some sort of whatever you 366 00:18:54.240 --> 00:18:58.880 have with this person, the confidence and the state of 367 00:18:58.880 --> 00:19:01.279 mind that you are in right before you met them, 368 00:19:01.680 --> 00:19:07.559 and what attracted them to you. Remind yourself of that 369 00:19:07.599 --> 00:19:12.960 person because they were attracted to you just being yourself 370 00:19:13.119 --> 00:19:16.440 right you showed up, however, you showed up in that relationship, 371 00:19:16.640 --> 00:19:19.160 and that's the energy that you should keep. So remind 372 00:19:19.160 --> 00:19:21.160 yourself of that. And you really need to have a 373 00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:23.799 practice of this. You really need to have more of 374 00:19:23.839 --> 00:19:27.640 a practice of looking at yourself in a beautiful light 375 00:19:27.720 --> 00:19:31.759 and reminding yourself of who the f you are versus 376 00:19:32.079 --> 00:19:35.240 spending all of your time and your energy focusing on 377 00:19:35.279 --> 00:19:39.440 someone else. And questioning your worth. You're spending so much 378 00:19:39.480 --> 00:19:42.359 time questioning your worth when you could be spending all 379 00:19:42.400 --> 00:19:46.359 of this time reminding yourself of your worth. So this 380 00:19:46.400 --> 00:19:48.519 is what I need you to do in those times 381 00:19:48.559 --> 00:19:50.599 that not only you are triggered, because I think that 382 00:19:50.680 --> 00:19:53.160 it really really helps snap you out of it, but 383 00:19:53.319 --> 00:19:55.240 also this is something you should be doing on a 384 00:19:55.319 --> 00:19:57.680 daily basis, which I bet you you weren't. And I 385 00:19:57.720 --> 00:20:00.759 remember when I was going through that spiral. Damn no, 386 00:20:00.880 --> 00:20:03.200 I was not. I didn't make those times a journal. 387 00:20:03.480 --> 00:20:06.480 I wasn't really talking to myself kindly and honestly, if 388 00:20:06.480 --> 00:20:08.880 I even think about my habits, I wasn't really on 389 00:20:08.880 --> 00:20:12.000 my shit. And that's another thing. Getting back on a routine, 390 00:20:12.359 --> 00:20:15.599 taking care of yourself, getting the proper sleep, listening to 391 00:20:15.680 --> 00:20:20.839 positive affirmations and music, and keeping your spirit uplifted. You 392 00:20:20.960 --> 00:20:24.359 have to raise your vibration. Your vibration is very low 393 00:20:24.440 --> 00:20:26.480 right now. And another thing that I like to focus 394 00:20:26.519 --> 00:20:30.000 on when I'm triggered and when like I've really lost 395 00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:32.119 myself and like I have this person on a pedestal 396 00:20:32.160 --> 00:20:35.039 and I'm valuing them so much, and this that I 397 00:20:35.160 --> 00:20:37.200 like to remind myself of what it is that I'm 398 00:20:37.240 --> 00:20:39.680 looking for in a relationship and what I deserve, which 399 00:20:39.839 --> 00:20:43.359 usually can come after you've kind of like spoke some 400 00:20:43.480 --> 00:20:47.480 life into yourself again, like, actually he does like me? Actually, 401 00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:50.519