WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.040 --> 00:00:06.879 Photos on my phone should have made me happy. I'd 2 00:00:06.879 --> 00:00:10.240 gotten some beautiful shots the night before, wineglasses clinking, Tasha 3 00:00:10.240 --> 00:00:12.599 doubled over from some silent shrades, Clark Jeremy in one 4 00:00:12.640 --> 00:00:15.439 of his horrible novelty shirts, Rachel with her arm flung 5 00:00:15.480 --> 00:00:17.839 a round brandt cheeks flushed, all of us pressed together 6 00:00:17.879 --> 00:00:20.359 over the settlers of cat and bought. It was one 7 00:00:20.359 --> 00:00:23.239 of those easy, chaotic knights that always reminded me why 8 00:00:23.280 --> 00:00:25.920 we work so hard of friendships despite our busy schedules. 9 00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:28.600 It's why we host, Why Matt holds up an extra 10 00:00:28.640 --> 00:00:30.839 folding table from the garage, Why I cut up four 11 00:00:30.920 --> 00:00:33.880 kinds of cheese and no Jeremy hate Patasha loves. I 12 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:37.079 was standing at the kitchen island, scrolling through the roll draft, 13 00:00:37.119 --> 00:00:39.079 posting again and again to find the shot that best 14 00:00:39.119 --> 00:00:41.039 captured the mood from the start of the evening, Rachel 15 00:00:41.039 --> 00:00:43.240 making the mocking kissy face behind Matt amir as we 16 00:00:43.280 --> 00:00:45.640 split a beer, or maybe the messy when down feeling. 17 00:00:45.679 --> 00:00:47.600 Two hours later, all of us blee with cubs and 18 00:00:47.679 --> 00:00:50.840 laughing over some dummim. I don't always overthink it, but 19 00:00:50.920 --> 00:00:53.119 we have a joint Instagram, the kind that started as 20 00:00:53.159 --> 00:00:54.920 a joke for the parents and the grandparents of but 21 00:00:55.000 --> 00:00:58.799 became our informal record. Matt loves the captions, the inside jokes. 22 00:00:58.840 --> 00:01:02.439 Only people like Rachel bring decode. Except tonight I felt 23 00:01:02.479 --> 00:01:04.519 him at my shoulder, more present than I back to it, 24 00:01:04.560 --> 00:01:06.920 a hand occasionally settling and not comfortingly on my back 25 00:01:06.959 --> 00:01:10.319 as I flicked past another shot. Usually Matt simpletest the 26 00:01:10.359 --> 00:01:13.200 goofy veto I look like I'm it's knees live or 27 00:01:13.280 --> 00:01:16.159 you can litterally see my bitter nail crop it. Tonight, 28 00:01:16.439 --> 00:01:18.599 when I stopped on one where Rachel and Matt happened 29 00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:20.519 to be next to each other across the table, both 30 00:01:20.560 --> 00:01:24.719 mid laugh mass response was instant. Not that one. He said, 31 00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:28.319 Why that's a great face, oucheeze, nudging his hip with mine. 32 00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:32.040 Matt's smile didn't move past his lips. It's two clutter. 33 00:01:32.200 --> 00:01:34.959 We look like a frat house. That's kind of the point, 34 00:01:35.079 --> 00:01:37.760 I said, but he was already moving behind me, using 35 00:01:37.760 --> 00:01:40.400 his index finger to quickly swipe past a series of photos, 36 00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:43.400 as if searching for something else. Entirely. I landed on 37 00:01:43.439 --> 00:01:48.840 another this here in the background, but he cut me off. No, 38 00:01:48.840 --> 00:01:51.159 none were Rachel's making that face. She'll flame me in 39 00:01:51.200 --> 00:01:54.079 the group chat. A lie, but a harmless enough one, 40 00:01:54.120 --> 00:01:56.599 or so I thought. Mike got twitched in that mild, 41 00:01:56.719 --> 00:01:59.319 indistinct way does Whey bump against a partner's boundary You 42 00:01:59.319 --> 00:02:02.599 don't understand yet. It felt silly, even a little childish. 43 00:02:02.599 --> 00:02:04.760 Why did he care so much about group shots right now? 44 00:02:05.400 --> 00:02:07.640 Last year, he'd have begged from Morr or at least 45 00:02:07.640 --> 00:02:10.879 slipped in a mien before I pressed post, getting camerushy 46 00:02:10.960 --> 00:02:14.240 on mean now Marthy's I caught my head, softening the 47 00:02:14.240 --> 00:02:17.159 custion with a smile. He ruffled his hair, not meeting 48 00:02:17.240 --> 00:02:20.280 my eyes. Not everything belongs online, I just so I 49 00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:22.240 don't need it every night out there forever, you know. 50 00:02:22.879 --> 00:02:25.599 The slight edge in his tone was new, sure, but 51 00:02:25.680 --> 00:02:28.159 it's not like any one I started, but he was 52 00:02:28.199 --> 00:02:30.879 already reaching for his phone, mumping something about work emails 53 00:02:30.919 --> 00:02:33.360 piling up. By the time I pressed chef on a 54 00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:35.960 sanitized grid of group shots with mats strategically off to 55 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:38.719 one side, Rachel barely visible. It was raining against the 56 00:02:38.800 --> 00:02:42.159 kitchen window and steady unbroken sheets. Mass sat on the 57 00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:45.039 far end of the couch, scrolling answering messages with quick 58 00:02:45.080 --> 00:02:48.800 little taps, entirely absorbed in another world. He didn't offer 59 00:02:48.840 --> 00:02:51.039 to help with dishes, didn't joke about the born cheese, 60 00:02:51.039 --> 00:02:53.240 didn't even play DJ from his party mix. He always 61 00:02:53.280 --> 00:02:56.919 insisted superior to mine. Round ten he stood, stretching his 62 00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:00.719 arms too wide, almost theatrically. I'm white, he said, offering 63 00:03:00.719 --> 00:03:04.639 me a perfunctory smile. Let's crash early. He kissed my cheek, 64 00:03:04.719 --> 00:03:07.280 lingering for a second, then slip down the hall. I 65 00:03:07.319 --> 00:03:09.560 listened to the bathroom fans start up, then die away, 66 00:03:09.759 --> 00:03:12.439 the sound of his toothbrish rattling in its holder. I 67 00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:14.960 sat alone at the kitchen counter, pinching my phone between 68 00:03:14.960 --> 00:03:17.680 thumb and forefinger, feeling both indulgent and a little silly 69 00:03:17.719 --> 00:03:20.599 for her. Visiting the rejected photos, a couple of them 70 00:03:20.639 --> 00:03:23.120 in retrospect court, Rachel looking directly at Matt with an 71 00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:26.680 expression I couldn't pass half serious, half amused. Or maybe 72 00:03:26.719 --> 00:03:29.319 I was reading into it. Maybe I always read too 73 00:03:29.400 --> 00:03:32.599 much into people. I scrolled back to our earliest posts, 74 00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:35.319 seeing years of us Costa Rica with Brent and Tasher, 75 00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:38.199 Christmas at Jeremy's parents, and saying three story house, New 76 00:03:38.280 --> 00:03:40.759 Year's where we somehow trashed two champagne foots to the 77 00:03:40.759 --> 00:03:43.560 base for a flicker of a second. I imagine Matt's 78 00:03:43.560 --> 00:03:45.520 face in those photos blowing out as if he had 79 00:03:45.560 --> 00:03:47.879 never been there at all. But I shook it off. 80 00:03:48.560 --> 00:03:50.960 I was tired and he was tired, and we cultivated 81 00:03:50.960 --> 00:03:53.520 this life where nothing truly bad could bloom. Mata and 82 00:03:53.560 --> 00:03:55.439 I met a party neither of us wanted to attend. 83 00:03:56.080 --> 00:03:58.280 I remembered the warm glove of cheap bulbs strung up 84 00:03:58.319 --> 00:04:00.439 over someone's were sloop roof deck, and the feel of 85 00:04:00.479 --> 00:04:03.199 gritty dust underfoot. I was two years out of a 86 00:04:03.199 --> 00:04:05.960 self destructive engagement, and he'd gotten out of something messer, 87 00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:08.319 a three year on again slash off against spiral that 88 00:04:08.360 --> 00:04:11.439 had chipped away at his confidence. Yet when I found 89 00:04:11.479 --> 00:04:13.439 myself next to him near the drink's table, he made 90 00:04:13.439 --> 00:04:16.399 me forget all the boring, careful scripts. He was silly 91 00:04:16.399 --> 00:04:19.079 and shameless, able to cut through pretentious conversations with this 92 00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:22.040 off handed wit. I immediately found her resistible. I was 93 00:04:22.040 --> 00:04:24.759 the friend who planned the weekend, remembered birthdays, and nursed 94 00:04:24.759 --> 00:04:27.160 people through break ups. He was the friend you could 95 00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:30.279 call at midnight for a drink or adventure. That first night, 96 00:04:30.360 --> 00:04:32.000 we broke away from the crowd and spent in our 97 00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:34.160 trading the worst stories about past eight so our biggest 98 00:04:34.199 --> 00:04:37.360 fears are dumbest career leaders. It was easy, a kind 99 00:04:37.399 --> 00:04:40.040 of conversational chemistry most people only get on best days, 100 00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:44.079 not first ones. We didn't even exchange numbers. He found 101 00:04:44.120 --> 00:04:45.920 me on linked in the next day's stock of vibes, 102 00:04:45.959 --> 00:04:48.319 he wrote, but the good kind then asked me to brunch, 103 00:04:48.480 --> 00:04:51.160 just the two of us. Within three months, we'd been 104 00:04:51.199 --> 00:04:54.519 to six concerts, two music festivals, and countless parties where 105 00:04:54.519 --> 00:04:57.399 people assumed we'd known each other for ages. We built 106 00:04:57.399 --> 00:04:59.279 our circle to get a found family in the way 107 00:04:59.319 --> 00:05:01.879 ambitious city people have to, because real family is scattered 108 00:05:01.879 --> 00:05:04.199 across different time zones and people grow up too late 109 00:05:04.240 --> 00:05:07.199 to start over. Tashaw was my roommate from grad school, 110 00:05:07.360 --> 00:05:09.680 web smart and dry humored, the person I never quite 111 00:05:09.680 --> 00:05:12.199 fell in love with but always relied on share Me 112 00:05:12.240 --> 00:05:14.319 and Brent Ma Matt's work friends, but quickly blurred into 113 00:05:14.360 --> 00:05:17.279 the center of our lives. Then Rachel arrived, a friend 114 00:05:17.279 --> 00:05:19.000 of Brent's from a failed start up who became my 115 00:05:19.079 --> 00:05:21.759 best tex comford On and mass fierce, trivial, be see rival. 116 00:05:22.319 --> 00:05:25.800 Our weekends clustered around Potluck's fantasy football hikes at odd hours. 117 00:05:26.519 --> 00:05:29.360 Every relationship in our group mattered, Ever inside joke felt 118 00:05:29.360 --> 00:05:32.000 owned by all of us. Matt and I always joked 119 00:05:32.040 --> 00:05:34.240 that our marriage relied as much on our friend empire 120 00:05:34.240 --> 00:05:37.079 as it did on us. The foundation was trusted, but 121 00:05:37.199 --> 00:05:39.439 layered with a share bruising. We'd both been cheated on 122 00:05:39.480 --> 00:05:42.639 before my exit, a pattern of loving friendships that blow 123 00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:45.360 in boundaries, and Matt's previous partner had an affair with 124 00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:48.720 someone from yoga on our fourth date. We both have laughed. 125 00:05:48.839 --> 00:05:51.160 No more secrets, ever, as if by promising aid we'd 126 00:05:51.160 --> 00:05:54.240 build immunity for a long time, that seemed to be enough. 127 00:05:54.959 --> 00:05:57.639 A year ago, when we bought the condorous, brawling second 128 00:05:57.639 --> 00:06:00.199 floor unit above the River Walk, with space for friendsans 129 00:06:00.199 --> 00:06:02.120 and the kitchen big enough for my baking and that's 130 00:06:02.120 --> 00:06:05.000 a very serious grilling competitions, I felt more grown up 131 00:06:05.000 --> 00:06:08.000 than I ever expected. The signing was a high point, 132 00:06:08.399 --> 00:06:10.439 not because of the property, but because it was together 133 00:06:10.560 --> 00:06:12.639 money combined with the kind of trusty reserve for only 134 00:06:12.639 --> 00:06:15.120 two or three people in your life. We hosted our 135 00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:17.199 first Thanks given there and were upoll any, proud of 136 00:06:17.240 --> 00:06:22.439 every little shelf we assembled, Our lives syncopated in daily routines. Mornings, 137 00:06:22.519 --> 00:06:24.720 I made coffee, Matt's jam was eggs and a cod 138 00:06:24.800 --> 00:06:27.240 or toast. When we worked from home, he'd sneak up 139 00:06:27.240 --> 00:06:29.480 behind my laptop for a hug, calling me the boss. 140 00:06:30.079 --> 00:06:32.480 We'd made a sport of planning holidays, flipping the logic 141 00:06:32.519 --> 00:06:34.439 each year. Sometimes we traveled just the two of us, 142 00:06:34.480 --> 00:06:36.959 a road trip to Portland, hiking and ashell. Sometimes we'd 143 00:06:37.000 --> 00:06:39.800 all pile into our lodge Reatasha, Brent, and whoever's partner 144 00:06:39.800 --> 00:06:42.600 could get time off. Last year, we'd even gone as 145 00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:45.480 far as inviting Rachel's new boyfriend, who blended in instantly. 146 00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:50.000 Matt's sometimes craved adoration. It's not a judgment, just an observation. 147 00:06:50.120 --> 00:06:52.879 He delighted in winning people, over seeing his stories become 148 00:06:52.920 --> 00:06:55.759 the main event of for dinner. Sometimes it was wonderful. 149 00:06:55.839 --> 00:06:58.480 Sometimes it left me quietly rolling my eyes behind his back, 150 00:06:58.639 --> 00:07:00.800 especially when he'd fish for comp claments after a low 151 00:07:00.839 --> 00:07:04.480 stake success at work. He hated being micromanaged in his department, 152 00:07:04.639 --> 00:07:07.240 and his boss's hands on styles sometimes left him stress 153 00:07:07.279 --> 00:07:10.319 for days. But whatever gaps we had, our partnership had 154 00:07:10.360 --> 00:07:13.439 learned to patch over. We never said this is forever, 155 00:07:13.560 --> 00:07:16.319 because forever was scary a jinx, but we functioned as 156 00:07:16.319 --> 00:07:19.120 if it was a default, something permanent unless proven otherwise. 157 00:07:19.839 --> 00:07:22.439 Our friend group amplified us a safe enclosure that seemed 158 00:07:22.480 --> 00:07:24.720 to mean to the sort of portrayal that ruined other dynamics. 159 00:07:25.399 --> 00:07:28.519 Maybe that's why when Matt proposed skipping our annual holiday getaway, 160 00:07:28.639 --> 00:07:31.199 it landed in my stomach like a dropstone. It was 161 00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:33.879 just after breakfast on a windy, overcast Thursday, the week 162 00:07:33.879 --> 00:07:36.920 after game night. I'd been making notes for our Tripusially, 163 00:07:37.000 --> 00:07:39.240 this was the most fun kind of low key planning research, 164 00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:42.000 a hiking trail, trade yup reviews for the best capin text, 165 00:07:42.040 --> 00:07:45.439 the group with enticing photos. Matt startled me by lingering 166 00:07:45.480 --> 00:07:47.519 at the kitchen table, not even looking up from his 167 00:07:47.600 --> 00:07:50.319 laptop when he spoke, I can't do the lake House 168 00:07:50.319 --> 00:07:55.079 this year, he said. I glanced up. What why my 169 00:07:55.120 --> 00:07:58.319 boss stumped this leadership training thing on me last minute Vancouver. 170 00:07:58.879 --> 00:08:00.240 He didn't look at me when he said I did. 171 00:08:00.439 --> 00:08:02.480 His voice was clapped, a kind he uses when he's 172 00:08:02.519 --> 00:08:06.040 already decided that's our weak Matt, I sat trying to 173 00:08:06.120 --> 00:08:08.639 keep it light. The only one Tasha could get off 174 00:08:08.680 --> 00:08:12.040 the group. Will can't be helped, he interrupted, frowning at 175 00:08:12.040 --> 00:08:15.319 his screen. It's not optional, I witted for him to 176 00:08:15.360 --> 00:08:18.079 meet my eyes, for the share frustration, the indulgent less 177 00:08:18.079 --> 00:08:20.439 See if I can rearrange, But he just huffed, slamming 178 00:08:20.439 --> 00:08:25.120 his laptop closed. Sorry, okay, it's work, okay, I said, 179 00:08:25.519 --> 00:08:28.800 feeling childish for the prickling at my eyes. But the timing. 180 00:08:29.439 --> 00:08:31.480 He gave a half smile, one thin like he was 181 00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:34.519 sorry for me, not with me. Are you seriously mad? 182 00:08:35.600 --> 00:08:38.639 And suddenly I wasn't sure. Was I mad or just 183 00:08:38.679 --> 00:08:42.840 protective of our tradition? Maybe both? No, I said, too quickly, 184 00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:46.399 of course not. I know work's been trash. He stood, 185 00:08:46.480 --> 00:08:48.039 dropping his mug in the sink with a bit too 186 00:08:48.080 --> 00:08:51.240 much force. It's fine, you guys, go, I'll just miss 187 00:08:51.240 --> 00:08:53.960 one year. I tried to regroup as he disappeared down 188 00:08:54.000 --> 00:08:56.159 the hallway, the plunk of his shoes marking each step. 189 00:08:56.720 --> 00:08:58.480 When was the last time he blew off something like 190 00:08:58.519 --> 00:09:01.559 this without a fight? That week, he started locking his phone, 191 00:09:01.600 --> 00:09:04.480 something new for him. The case snap shut with a satisfying, 192 00:09:04.519 --> 00:09:07.799 inaugurable click. He'd always left it out during dinner, even 193 00:09:07.840 --> 00:09:11.159 at game nights, ignoring notifications, but now he began turning 194 00:09:11.159 --> 00:09:13.279 it face down, always a hand resting next to it, 195 00:09:13.440 --> 00:09:15.159 as if waiting for a call he didn't want me 196 00:09:15.200 --> 00:09:18.120 to see. The following Friday rolled around another game night, 197 00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:21.320 this time at Tasha's. Normally, Matt would be the first 198 00:09:21.320 --> 00:09:23.759 to volunteer as driver or bring extra beer, Always the 199 00:09:23.879 --> 00:09:26.759 energy glow in the group, he didn't bother with excuses. 200 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:29.879 This time, he barely finished his first drink, citing exhaustion, 201 00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:33.000 then left before dessert with a distracted Early day tomorrow, 202 00:09:33.679 --> 00:09:35.840 I stayed late helping Tasher with dishes, trying not to 203 00:09:35.879 --> 00:09:38.799 look at my phone every five minutes. When Jeremy asked 204 00:09:38.799 --> 00:09:40.879 when Matt had gone, in that foe concerned voice only 205 00:09:40.879 --> 00:09:44.240 friends can get away with, I just shruped. Workhout, I said, 206 00:09:44.320 --> 00:09:47.480 and Tasha's eyes met mine, worried but silent. I reaped 207 00:09:47.480 --> 00:09:50.200 a dear earla conversation about the trip. It wasn't like 208 00:09:50.279 --> 00:09:52.440 Matt to bow out, especially not from something he'd been 209 00:09:52.440 --> 00:09:55.799 clamoring to organized for months. Part of me wanted to prad, 210 00:09:55.840 --> 00:09:58.159 to remind him of a promise. If you ever need out, 211 00:09:58.440 --> 00:10:00.600 just say so, don't let me plan around, I'll lie. 212 00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:03.720 But instead I cuddled up with my own disappointment, convincing 213 00:10:03.759 --> 00:10:08.240 myself this was normal stress, deadline, nothing sinister. Still, when 214 00:10:08.240 --> 00:10:10.320 I crawled into bed and Matt pretended to be asleep, 215 00:10:10.519 --> 00:10:13.080 his foam blinking under his pillow, it was impossible not 216 00:10:13.159 --> 00:10:15.200 to wonder if there was something else beneath the surface. 217 00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:18.080 A few nuts later, while I was watcher a run 218 00:10:18.080 --> 00:10:21.879 in the den, Tasha texted me, has Mat ghosted everyone's memes? 219 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:24.440 Or am I the new Pariah? I grinned before I 220 00:10:24.480 --> 00:10:27.200 remembered Matt had in fact gone quiet in the group chat. 221 00:10:27.919 --> 00:10:29.960 Usually he'd be the quickest to respond to Brent's mean 222 00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:33.279 barrage or make fun of Jeremy's dad jokes. But crowling 223 00:10:33.279 --> 00:10:35.200 through the messages, I found nothing from Matt for the 224 00:10:35.279 --> 00:10:39.759 past two weeks work. So I started typing back, then stopped. 225 00:10:40.399 --> 00:10:43.879 Why was I defending him? Instead? I just said he's fried, 226 00:10:43.919 --> 00:10:46.080 I'll nudge him. But when I found him in our 227 00:10:46.120 --> 00:10:47.840 kitchen later, he was half way out the door for 228 00:10:47.879 --> 00:10:51.080 an emergency at work. I didn't even have time to ask. 229 00:10:51.720 --> 00:10:54.840 That night, while unloading the dishwasher, a nullification, pined on 230 00:10:54.879 --> 00:10:57.759 my phone, a crowded card alert. Never Mind that Matt 231 00:10:57.759 --> 00:10:59.360 and I had always kept a running to have for 232 00:10:59.440 --> 00:11:03.200 big expenses, even splitting things as mineer's birthday dinners. This 233 00:11:03.360 --> 00:11:06.000 is different at two hundred twelve dollars dinner Fritzi's than 234 00:11:06.039 --> 00:11:08.799 optcale spot across town, one we'd only gone to once 235 00:11:08.799 --> 00:11:12.080 for our anniversary. The charge was time stumped for last Wednesday, 236 00:11:12.080 --> 00:11:13.879 one of those I have to stay late at the office. 237 00:11:13.960 --> 00:11:17.159 Its budget season nights. My heart thouted, louder than I 238 00:11:17.279 --> 00:11:20.080 like to admit. It could be a new kleinschmooz. Matt 239 00:11:20.120 --> 00:11:24.279 sometimes talked about networking over prefix with venders. Still something 240 00:11:24.360 --> 00:11:26.879 nudged at my sense of normal. I brought it up 241 00:11:26.879 --> 00:11:29.320 the next night, half laughing, careful to make it sound 242 00:11:29.360 --> 00:11:32.679 like curiosity rather than accusation. Big spend of Fritzies is 243 00:11:32.679 --> 00:11:34.720 a splurge for a week night, I said, feigning a 244 00:11:34.720 --> 00:11:36.960 grin as I pushed his water glass toward him at dinner. 245 00:11:37.559 --> 00:11:41.639 He barely blinked, Oh yeah, client dinner ted from Seattle, 246 00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:44.519 boring as hell. He was forty five minutes late then 247 00:11:44.519 --> 00:11:48.080 anyone else from routine. Matt shook his head picking absolenttely 248 00:11:48.120 --> 00:11:51.080 at his salad. Not just me and Ted. Sometimes I 249 00:11:51.120 --> 00:11:53.559 hate being that guy. I let it drop before I 250 00:11:53.559 --> 00:11:56.159 could seem needy. The old part of me, the one 251 00:11:56.200 --> 00:11:59.399 that remembered mix'st slow salive from ordinary lies into the unspeakable, 252 00:11:59.399 --> 00:12:03.559 started to worry. Maybe this was nothing, but maybe he 253 00:12:03.639 --> 00:12:06.480 pulled away more. In the days there followed, turned down 254 00:12:06.519 --> 00:12:09.519 Tash's invitation to trivia night, skipped hiking with Jeremy and Brand, 255 00:12:09.639 --> 00:12:11.679 came home late, and vanished into our office with only 256 00:12:11.679 --> 00:12:14.679 a quick I'm behind on email. When Rachel messaged to 257 00:12:14.720 --> 00:12:16.679 offer and prompty brunch. The kind mat always jumped at 258 00:12:16.720 --> 00:12:19.559 Hi ansid alone, making out a migrants again excuse for 259 00:12:19.639 --> 00:12:23.480 him in public, his affection felt muted. No more posts 260 00:12:23.480 --> 00:12:26.039 wore hugs at the door. The playful jabs about my 261 00:12:26.039 --> 00:12:29.039 coffee addiction faded. If he caught me watching him, he'd 262 00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:32.559 look away second too fast. Rachel's messages got word too. 263 00:12:33.200 --> 00:12:35.320 We'd always had an easy banter. She takes to mimemes 264 00:12:35.320 --> 00:12:37.960 about office hell, lunch photos, links to cool events, but 265 00:12:38.039 --> 00:12:40.679 recently her tone felt studied, like she was pulling back. 266 00:12:41.399 --> 00:12:44.000 Once I even sends to pause in her responses. After 267 00:12:44.039 --> 00:12:47.240 I mentioned Matt. One rainy afternoon, I tagged Matt in 268 00:12:47.240 --> 00:12:50.559 a throwback table photo from a trip LUs spring ours pass. 269 00:12:50.759 --> 00:12:55.120 No notification, I checked again, confused he'd always automatically appear 270 00:12:55.120 --> 00:12:57.759 in our shared account's tag media. Then I saw it. 271 00:12:57.919 --> 00:13:01.360 Privacy settings changed. You now have to prove posts you 272 00:13:01.399 --> 00:13:03.840 were tagged in the app, cheerfully told me. When I 273 00:13:03.879 --> 00:13:06.159 asked Matt about it that night, appointed, Hey, did you 274 00:13:06.200 --> 00:13:09.320 get the photo tack? He shrugged, yeh saw it. Just 275 00:13:09.360 --> 00:13:11.600 don't need my team seeing me drunk off Seltzer get 276 00:13:11.600 --> 00:13:15.320 a stock screening stuff. Liability these days, babe. I tried 277 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:17.919 to laugh, but it sounded strange even to me. Since 278 00:13:17.960 --> 00:13:21.080 when was Matt worried about liability From our friends? The 279 00:13:21.080 --> 00:13:26.480 group's Instagram chats were always inside jokes, barely decipherable by strangers. Later, 280 00:13:26.679 --> 00:13:29.000 as I cleaned up after dinner, I've heard Matt talking 281 00:13:29.000 --> 00:13:32.039 from our bedroom. His voice low edges of tension threading 282 00:13:32.039 --> 00:13:34.279 through as he murmured, no, it's fine, I'll text you, 283 00:13:34.320 --> 00:13:37.039 don't worry. I have to go now. When I entered, 284 00:13:37.159 --> 00:13:39.399 he jumped his phone under a pile of laundry, offering 285 00:13:39.440 --> 00:13:43.279 me a sheepish look. I raised an eyebrow lake conference 286 00:13:43.320 --> 00:13:47.720 call work bullshit, he muttered, just venting there being impossible 287 00:13:47.759 --> 00:13:50.480 this quarter. I'm sick of it, he sounded tired, not 288 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:53.840 lying necessarily, but I'm willing to offer more. After he 289 00:13:53.879 --> 00:13:57.440 disappeared into the bathroom, I wandered into his office match 290 00:13:57.519 --> 00:14:00.120 Jim Baggs sat open on the floor, reaching for it, 291 00:14:00.200 --> 00:14:02.080 with half a mind to throw his shorts in the wash. 292 00:14:02.279 --> 00:14:04.639 I fished out a thin receipt tuck extra stick of deudren, 293 00:14:05.399 --> 00:14:08.639 not from the gem, but from the recovery spar date 294 00:14:08.799 --> 00:14:11.679 the exact night he'd said he was working overtime. I 295 00:14:11.720 --> 00:14:15.000 almost laughed. It seemed absurd. Matt was allergic to spaw 296 00:14:15.120 --> 00:14:18.120 music and always complained that massages made him feel like cattle. 297 00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:21.240 Why would he go alonem while telling me he was 298 00:14:21.320 --> 00:14:25.480 knee deep in spreadsheets. His birth day approached normally a 299 00:14:25.480 --> 00:14:28.480 three day affair, me baking, the group, inventing elaborate drinking games, 300 00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:32.039 Matt reveling in attention. This year, he barely acknowledged it, 301 00:14:32.279 --> 00:14:34.440 brushing off my hints about a friend gathering until I 302 00:14:34.480 --> 00:14:37.200 gave up on the day itself. He left after a 303 00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:40.240 quick breakfast, saying bartrup with a few work people, nothing bake, 304 00:14:40.360 --> 00:14:43.480 don't wait up. By midnight, I was still awake, anxious 305 00:14:43.519 --> 00:14:45.679 and angry, and ashamed to admit how much it all hurt. 306 00:14:46.279 --> 00:14:48.759 I tried to lose myself in work emails, but everything 307 00:14:48.840 --> 00:14:51.639 made my heart race. For the next week, I watched 308 00:14:51.639 --> 00:14:54.399 for clues and found them that reassured me. Tash his 309 00:14:54.480 --> 00:14:58.720 worried check ins, Rachel's careful texts, mat going out late, 310 00:14:58.840 --> 00:15:01.200 coming home, careful not to rush too close, always with 311 00:15:01.240 --> 00:15:04.480 an explanation that sounded just reasonable enough. Yet I kept 312 00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:08.080 telling myself, you're paranoid. This is how good relationships to solve. 313 00:15:08.159 --> 00:15:11.759 Someone over reacts, makes a scene, accuses without proof. We 314 00:15:11.759 --> 00:15:15.039 weren't like that. We promised transparency, and Matt was too 315 00:15:15.080 --> 00:15:19.039 proud to sneak around, wasn't he? Maybe I told myself 316 00:15:19.120 --> 00:15:21.000 he was having some kind of work crisis and just 317 00:15:21.000 --> 00:15:23.639 didn't want to admit it. Yet, maybe his old fear 318 00:15:23.759 --> 00:15:25.799 that being honest about Stroker would push me away. He 319 00:15:25.840 --> 00:15:29.399 had come back. I decided to say something, not a fight, 320 00:15:29.600 --> 00:15:31.519 not a scene, and just honest, are you okay? It 321 00:15:31.600 --> 00:15:34.799 feels like you are not talking. One evening after another 322 00:15:34.840 --> 00:15:37.240 silent dinner and a half heart attempt at Netflix. I 323 00:15:37.320 --> 00:15:40.039 shut the TV off and turned to him. Matt, are 324 00:15:40.039 --> 00:15:42.039 we or are you okay? I feel like you're somewhere 325 00:15:42.039 --> 00:15:44.759 else lately? Is there something happening at work or with us? 326 00:15:45.320 --> 00:15:47.159 He looked at me for the first time in weeks, 327 00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:51.240 really looked. His shoulders listened just a hair. I'm sorry. 328 00:15:51.320 --> 00:15:53.519 I know I've been off. It is work. They're talking laoffs. 329 00:15:53.559 --> 00:15:55.200 I haven't wanted to dump it on you, I've been 330 00:15:55.200 --> 00:15:57.679 saying late, trying to prove myself, maybe stupidly. I didn't 331 00:15:57.679 --> 00:16:00.200 want you to worry. Relief washed over me, but it 332 00:16:00.200 --> 00:16:03.519 didn't quite settle. You know you can, He stopped me, 333 00:16:03.600 --> 00:16:06.600 setting his hand on mine. I should have said something sooner. 334 00:16:06.720 --> 00:16:08.559 I just I was afraid if I told you you'd 335 00:16:08.559 --> 00:16:10.799 get anxious, and you've been killing it at work lately. 336 00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:13.840 I didn't want to drag you down. I squeeze his hand. 337 00:16:14.519 --> 00:16:17.440 You're allowed to have a bad month, Matt. He nodded, 338 00:16:17.519 --> 00:16:21.320 looking almost grateful. Promise not hiding anything else. If I 339 00:16:21.360 --> 00:16:23.200 get through this stupid week, I'll make it up to 340 00:16:23.240 --> 00:16:24.840 you and the group will do a big game night 341 00:16:25.039 --> 00:16:28.039 or whatever you want. The next morning, Mac kiss me 342 00:16:28.120 --> 00:16:30.759 goodbye with more warmth than I felt in weeks. He 343 00:16:30.840 --> 00:16:33.480 texted me three times that day, means updates, fun message 344 00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:35.879 about stopping for dinner on the way home. For a 345 00:16:35.919 --> 00:16:37.960 couple of days, it felt like a recept button had 346 00:16:37.960 --> 00:16:41.919 been pressed. I floated light with relief. Maybe I'd been 347 00:16:41.960 --> 00:16:44.799 too quick to assume the worst. Late one night, he 348 00:16:44.840 --> 00:16:47.600 even cracked a joke about us surviving my annual birthday grump. 349 00:16:48.039 --> 00:16:50.399 For one radiant moment, things felt more normal than they 350 00:16:50.399 --> 00:16:53.039 have for months. Then, in the middle of a breezy, 351 00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:55.759 harmless Monday, Rachel texted a question so odd to snap 352 00:16:55.759 --> 00:16:58.799 the illusion clean into Hey. She wrote, I hope I 353 00:16:58.879 --> 00:17:01.080 didn't make things worried between you and Matt. I feel 354 00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:03.440 like I did, and I'm really sorry if I overstepped. 355 00:17:03.559 --> 00:17:06.000 Just wanted you to know I've backed off. There was 356 00:17:06.039 --> 00:17:10.599 no context, no follow up, just a bubble left hanning confused. 357 00:17:10.720 --> 00:17:13.000 I messaged back, Ye didn't, not that I know. Did 358 00:17:13.000 --> 00:17:15.960 something happen? Her answer was so quick and cryptic it 359 00:17:16.079 --> 00:17:19.359 hurt nothing. Just good to check in. I care about you. Oh. 360 00:17:19.720 --> 00:17:22.319 I stared at her words, mind racing through the last month. 361 00:17:22.880 --> 00:17:25.160 Had something happened between Matt and Rachel and I had 362 00:17:25.160 --> 00:17:28.680 missed it completely. What could she possibly have to apologize for? 363 00:17:29.319 --> 00:17:32.279 Why would she feel like she overstepped? I took a breath, 364 00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:35.680 steadying myself. Was this about something at the last game night, 365 00:17:35.720 --> 00:17:37.960 one of those fleeting private jokes or fights that never 366 00:17:38.039 --> 00:17:42.039 lasted the night? Was something bigger? A rational voice inside 367 00:17:42.039 --> 00:17:45.200 me insisted I was overreacting, but another part kept paying back, 368 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:48.319 connecting dots that never quite made a line. Mass mood 369 00:17:48.319 --> 00:17:50.920 had lightened, but with Rachel's strange text, anxiety bust at 370 00:17:50.960 --> 00:17:53.440 the back of my skull. I'd been so sure that 371 00:17:53.480 --> 00:17:56.400 with his apology would nevigate it out of stormy waters. 372 00:17:56.759 --> 00:17:59.599 Now I couldn't be sure of anything. Unable to sleep, 373 00:17:59.599 --> 00:18:02.000 A flip through mass Google calendar, more out of desperation 374 00:18:02.079 --> 00:18:05.079 than strategy. Most of his appointments were marked private, but 375 00:18:05.079 --> 00:18:07.480 one caught my eye, an entry simply titled personal on 376 00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:09.400 the same day as the SPA receipt I had found, 377 00:18:09.880 --> 00:18:12.160 but the event itself had been deleted, a hole left 378 00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:15.000 in the record. I clicked through, hoping for something astray 379 00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:17.160 a line and us click anything, but found only an 380 00:18:17.200 --> 00:18:21.920 empty window. Tension twisted my insides. I tried to rationalize. 381 00:18:22.440 --> 00:18:25.759 People delete reminders all the time. Still, it was odd 382 00:18:25.759 --> 00:18:29.039 in context, especially given his avoidance of the subject. For 383 00:18:29.079 --> 00:18:31.480 the first time in years, I sifted through our joint 384 00:18:31.480 --> 00:18:34.839 and individual checking accounts, tracing purchases by date. It just 385 00:18:34.839 --> 00:18:37.319 to balance the books, I told myself, but I knew 386 00:18:37.359 --> 00:18:40.359 I was lying. Within fifteen minutes, I had a list 387 00:18:40.400 --> 00:18:43.319 of small restaurant charges and retail purchases that didn't match 388 00:18:43.359 --> 00:18:45.480 anything he told me about, most nothing I'd seen him 389 00:18:45.480 --> 00:18:48.519 where I'll mention the biggest shark a hotel charge at 390 00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:51.200 the river Front Inn, a luxury spot downtown again on 391 00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:53.119 a night he said he was missing dinner to finish 392 00:18:53.160 --> 00:18:58.240 a budget free. My hand shook. I texted Tasha, feigning casual, Hey, 393 00:18:58.319 --> 00:18:59.960 did you hear what went down of Rachel and Maat? 394 00:19:00.079 --> 00:19:03.359 She sent me the weirdest apology. I included smiling emoji 395 00:19:03.440 --> 00:19:07.519 to soften the implication. Tasha responded, not really, mat'spin off 396 00:19:07.559 --> 00:19:10.039 with all of us if you hear something spill So 397 00:19:10.240 --> 00:19:12.440 nothing of urt, just a cloud hanging over the group. 398 00:19:13.119 --> 00:19:15.599 I debated talking to Jeremy o' brent, but the idea 399 00:19:15.640 --> 00:19:18.000 felt desperate, like breaking the rules of mutual discretion, our 400 00:19:18.039 --> 00:19:21.759 friendships thrived on instead, A quietly resolved to monitor, to 401 00:19:21.759 --> 00:19:23.640