Speaker 1: Hello, everybody, Welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. This is
Speaker 1: the Bible teaching ministry of Rick Warren. Hey, we're so
Speaker 1: glad you're here with us today. We are continuing in
Speaker 1: a series called Talking about Stuff That Matters. Now. In
Speaker 1: this series, Rick looks into the scriptures and he's unpacking
Speaker 1: what it means to live in community, have real conversation
Speaker 1: about what matters most, and face discouragement with courage and faith.
Speaker 1: It's honest, hopeful, So stay tuned. You won't want to
Speaker 1: miss a second. And now here's part two of a
Speaker 1: message called creating Life Shaping Conversations.
Speaker 2: Okay, here's number four. The key and listen stands for
Speaker 2: tune in, tune in to any fear or hurt beneath
Speaker 2: the words. What people are feeling is far more important
Speaker 2: in a conversation than what they're saying. And what they're
Speaker 2: saying is often not exactly what they're feeling, but a
Speaker 2: lot of times they're saying one thing and they're feeling another.
Speaker 2: And if you're going to be a great listener, you
Speaker 2: have to look past their words, past the things they're saying,
Speaker 2: because sometimes what they're saying is offensive because they're hurt
Speaker 2: or sometimes they're saying they're what they're saying is because
Speaker 2: they're afraid, they're insecure, they're fearful. And when people get angry,
Speaker 2: it's usually because they're frustrated, hurt, or fearful. You know what,
Speaker 2: it's a whole lot easier to deal with people when
Speaker 2: you know they're frustrated or they're hurt or they're fearful
Speaker 2: than it is when they're angry. You're not very sympathetic
Speaker 2: to people who get angry at you, but you are
Speaker 2: sympathetic to people who are fearful, and you are sympathetic
Speaker 2: people who are hurting, and you are sympathetic to people
Speaker 2: who are frustrated. And so if you can look past
Speaker 2: the words, In fact, sometimes in a conversation, to be
Speaker 2: a good listener, you have to ignore the words and
Speaker 2: look at the emotion and go, what's going on here.
Speaker 2: I'm feeling this intensity come through on something that doesn't
Speaker 2: seem to me to be a really big deal, but
Speaker 2: clearly it's a really big deal because I'm feeling the pushback,
Speaker 2: the blowback, And you have to ask, is this hurt,
Speaker 2: is this fear? Is this frustration? And you're looking beyond
Speaker 2: the words. Look. When you tune into any fear of
Speaker 2: hurt beneath the words, you're looking for the open nerd,
Speaker 2: why are they so reacting this way? You listen for
Speaker 2: the pain, and sometimes the pain doesn't have anything to
Speaker 2: do with you. It's pain out of their past, but
Speaker 2: it's coming back at you. In this particular situation, you
Speaker 2: look for the fear beyond the words. What is this called?
Speaker 2: This is called sympathy. Sympathy when you're tuning in to
Speaker 2: the emotion first Peter, Chapter three, verse eight. Be sympathetic,
Speaker 2: loving each other like a family, and be kind and
Speaker 2: be humble. When you're humble your open new ideas. When
Speaker 2: you're kind and sympathetic and loving, you don't blow back.
Speaker 2: They may get angry at you, go, this isn't really
Speaker 2: what they're angry about. What are they afraid of? What
Speaker 2: are they worried about? What are they anxious about? What
Speaker 2: are they fearful about? What are they frustrated about? What
Speaker 2: are they hurt about? And if you're going to be
Speaker 2: a great listener, you've got to tune in to the
Speaker 2: fear or hurt beneath the words. Number five, the E
Speaker 2: in listen stands for engage, them with open ended questions.
Speaker 2: Engage them with open ended questions. Now, what's an open
Speaker 2: ended question, Well, it's the opposite of a closed ended question.
Speaker 2: A closed inded question only requires a yes or a no.
Speaker 2: When you say, where were you know? Where were you
Speaker 2: on the nine or fourteenth, that's an open ended question.
Speaker 2: When you say did you do this? Yes or no,
Speaker 2: that's a closed inded question. If you're going to learn
Speaker 2: to be a great listener, stop asking your children questions
Speaker 2: whether they say yes or no. Those kind of questions
Speaker 2: aren't really helpful. If you really want to understand your kids,
Speaker 2: your teenager, if you want us to understand your husband,
Speaker 2: you want to understand your wife, stop asking closed ended
Speaker 2: questions yes or no. Ask a question that requires more
Speaker 2: than one word and requires a little bit more thought
Speaker 2: than simply yes or no, because that's where you're going
Speaker 2: to get to the deeper issues in the conversation. Be sympathetic,
Speaker 2: tune out the fear, tuned in the fear heard, and
Speaker 2: then engage them with open ended questions. Now, I don't
Speaker 2: have to go onto this a lot, because we talked
Speaker 2: last week about the importance of questions in friendship. In fact,
Speaker 2: I used this verse Last week Proverbs twenty verse five.
Speaker 2: People's thoughts are like water in a deep well, but
Speaker 2: someone with insight can draw them out. And how do
Speaker 2: you draw them out? With questions? Particularly open ended question?
Speaker 2: What does that mean? Any question that doesn't answer yes
Speaker 2: or no, just whatever you it's an open ended question.
Speaker 2: Now there's a magic phrase I want you to write
Speaker 2: this down that will make you a master listener. And
Speaker 2: you need to use it over and over and over
Speaker 2: with kids, with spouses, with friends, with anybody else. And
Speaker 2: it is the phrase tell me more, write this down,
Speaker 2: tell me more. That is the magic phrase on how
Speaker 2: you draw it out of people, out of grandchildren, out
Speaker 2: of anybody, tell me more. So you don't just say, hey,
Speaker 2: tell me about what's going on, tell me about your day,
Speaker 2: and then they finish, and they might give you one
Speaker 2: or two cents. Then you say tell me more. And
Speaker 2: then when they finish it, they you go tell me more,
Speaker 2: and then you keep tell me what are you doing?
Speaker 2: You're going deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper, and
Speaker 2: you're allowing them to express more and more and more.
Speaker 2: And a lot of times I don't really know if
Speaker 2: you mean it or not. And so if you say
Speaker 2: tell me more, several times it says I'm really interested
Speaker 2: in you. I'm paying attention, and what is attention attention
Speaker 2: is love, So you say, tell me more. With most people,
Speaker 2: whether it's kids or adults, you have to draw it
Speaker 2: out of them like a bucket out of the well bucket.
Speaker 2: And you do that by asking open ended questions. And
Speaker 2: then when they respond, then you say, once they finish,
Speaker 2: that's not all I'm going to say about it, tell
Speaker 2: me more, and you wait, and you have to learn
Speaker 2: to be patient. Finally, number six in learning to be
Speaker 2: a great listener, the end and listen is never judge
Speaker 2: until you have all the facts. Never judge until you
Speaker 2: have all the facts. This will make you a great listener.
Speaker 2: And Proverbs has a lot to say about this too.
Speaker 2: God says, I don't want you making snap judgments. I
Speaker 2: want you keeping an open mind. I don't want you
Speaker 2: to be presumptuous. I don't want you to presume. I
Speaker 2: don't want you to assume. Don't assume you have a
Speaker 2: clear picture. Wait until you assure you have all the facts.
Speaker 2: Here's the problem. Your kid, or your husband, or your wife,
Speaker 2: or anybody starts talking to you about something, and you
Speaker 2: start feeling emotion about what they're saying, and you start
Speaker 2: forming an attitude either for that person or against that
Speaker 2: person based on that. And you don't even have all
Speaker 2: the facts yet. No, God says, keep an open mind,
Speaker 2: don't prematurely evaluate, don't prejudge something, don't think you know
Speaker 2: everything in advance. Proverbs eighteen, verse thirteen and fifteen says
Speaker 2: this what a shame. Yes, how stupid to decide before
Speaker 2: knowing the facts. A person with understanding gets the facts,
Speaker 2: and the wise person listens to learn more. And the
Speaker 2: more you listen, the more you learn. And you don't
Speaker 2: judge until you have all the facts, because assumptions and
Speaker 2: presumptions get us in trouble. Now, these are six golden
Speaker 2: rules for learning to be a great listener. All right,
Speaker 2: I have taught some of this material literally all around
Speaker 2: the world to about a half a million pastors. So
Speaker 2: I'm going to give you a shortened version of how
Speaker 2: do you speak so that other people well listen? All right,
Speaker 2: and it's speak five skills Number one. The S stands
Speaker 2: for this, save it for the best time and place.
Speaker 2: Save what you're going to say your conversation that you
Speaker 2: know you need to have with your child or is
Speaker 2: fouls or a boss or whoever. Save it for the
Speaker 2: best time and place for great Conversation's timing is everything.
Speaker 2: Have you learned this that you could have a really
Speaker 2: good planned conversation and you shared it at the wrong time?
Speaker 2: And how that go over for you? Not very good?
Speaker 2: You know. One of the worst things is when you
Speaker 2: get in bed with your husband or your wife, you
Speaker 2: lean down and your spouse hays, honey, we need to talk.
Speaker 2: That'll put the fear of God in any grown man. Okay,
Speaker 2: I just put my head on the pillow. Never drop
Speaker 2: a bomb in bed. Okay, save your bed for other things,
Speaker 2: all right, But discussions is not the place for particularly
Speaker 2: tough discussions. Not there now. Save it for the best
Speaker 2: time and place. When's the best time, Not when you're
Speaker 2: at your best, but when they're at their best. Now,
Speaker 2: what's the best time for you to share it? The
Speaker 2: best time to share something, to speak to somebody about
Speaker 2: something is when they're at their best. Now. With kids,
Speaker 2: you don't know when that's going to be. Last week
Speaker 2: we talked about how kids are like clams. They open
Speaker 2: up and they close, They open up and close. You
Speaker 2: never know how long they're going to be open. You
Speaker 2: can't schedule this kind of thing. That's why you have
Speaker 2: to be prepared in advance, because you can't schedule it.
Speaker 2: They're going to open up. As Kurt said, there's a
Speaker 2: window of opportunity and it's going to shut down, so
Speaker 2: you have to be patient. Here's what the Bible says.
Speaker 2: Ecclesiastes three to seven, which was written by the same
Speaker 2: guy who wrote Proverbs, Solomon the wisest man in the world.
Speaker 2: He says this, there's a time to be silent, and
Speaker 2: there's a time to speak. In other words, there's times
Speaker 2: you need to speak up and there are other times
Speaker 2: you need to shut up. Wisdom is knowing the difference.
Speaker 2: Is this a good time to speak up or is
Speaker 2: this a good time to shut up? While you're waiting
Speaker 2: for the right time to come, you keep your ears
Speaker 2: open and your mouth shut, and you don't spill the
Speaker 2: beans prematurely. Ecclesiastes eight, verse six says this, there's a
Speaker 2: right time and the right way for everything, even though
Speaker 2: unfortunately we miss it for the most part. Okay, And
Speaker 2: how do you know when you've missed the right timing?
Speaker 2: You have conflict because they weren't ready for what you
Speaker 2: needed to share. So how do I know the best time?
Speaker 2: Here's number two? Pray and plan, Pray and plan, pray,
Speaker 2: Pray about what you're going to say and how you're
Speaker 2: going to say it. And plan what you're going to
Speaker 2: say and how you're going to say it. Now, even
Speaker 2: Jesus did this. Even Jesus did this, and John chapter twelve,
Speaker 2: verse forty nine, Jesus says, I have not spoken on
Speaker 2: my own power. Instead, the father who sent me told
Speaker 2: me what I should say and how I should say it.
Speaker 2: You see, even Jesus didn't just go speaking on his
Speaker 2: own power. He would talk to the Father, heavenly father
Speaker 2: in heaven, and the Father in heaven told him when
Speaker 2: he should say it, what he should say, and how
Speaker 2: he should say it. Now, that's your God, God, the Father.
Speaker 2: Don't you think if he told Jesus what's saying how
Speaker 2: to say it, he'll tell you what's say and how
Speaker 2: to say it. Why hasn't he done that? You haven't asked.
Speaker 2: You just haven't asked. But before you go into any
Speaker 2: major meeting, before you have that important critical conversation with
Speaker 2: that child, with your spouse, with a friend, a neighbor,
Speaker 2: you know, an employee or boss. You need to pray
Speaker 2: and plan. You need to do these two things in advance.
Speaker 2: You don't walk into a meeting unprepared, without having prayed,
Speaker 2: without having planned. Now, first, what you want to do
Speaker 2: is you want to plan. What that means is this
Speaker 2: Proverbs sixteen twenty three. Intelligence people think before they speak.
Speaker 2: In other words, they put their mind in gear before
Speaker 2: they put their mouth in motion. Intelligent think people think
Speaker 2: before they speak. Then what they say is more what persuasive?
Speaker 2: Now do you want to be persuasive? Okay, here's how
Speaker 2: to be more persuasive. Plan what you're going to say,
Speaker 2: fake it out in advance. Now, it says intelligent people
Speaker 2: think before they speak, which means planning is a sign
Speaker 2: you're smart. If you're walking into a major conversation with
Speaker 2: your spouse and you haven't planned it, that's dumb. That
Speaker 2: is not intelligent, that is not thought out, that is
Speaker 2: not wise. Intelligent people think before they speak, So you
Speaker 2: plan it out planning. This is a sign you're smart.
Speaker 2: And it says if you plan it, then you'll be
Speaker 2: more persuasive. How persuasive do you think I would be
Speaker 2: if I stood up here every week without planning what
Speaker 2: I was going to say. If I got up here
Speaker 2: to Dan and said, well, folks, I really intended to
Speaker 2: write a message to share with you, but there was
Speaker 2: a praty bunch of marathon on and I wanted to
Speaker 2: see what Greg and Marshall look like now. And I
Speaker 2: know that wouldn't go for anything. I would have no influence,
Speaker 2: would have no preparation, and I would have no persuasion
Speaker 2: because I hadn't planned it. I hadn't thought it out. Now,
Speaker 2: here's what the Bible says you do in your planning
Speaker 2: Colautions four six. Everything circle that everything you say what's
Speaker 2: not included in that nothing. Everything you say should be
Speaker 2: two things. It should be kind and it should be
Speaker 2: well thought out. Friends, If you'll just practice that one verse,
Speaker 2: forget everything else I've taught today, you will become a
Speaker 2: master communicator. If you're kind and you think it out
Speaker 2: what you're going to say, you're going to be a
Speaker 2: great communicator. Everything you say should be kind. If it's
Speaker 2: not kind, you don't say it and well thought out.
Speaker 2: So but you know how to answer everyone. So the
Speaker 2: first thing you do is you plan, and the second
Speaker 2: thing you do is you pray, and like Jesus, you say, Lord,
Speaker 2: God Father, teach me when to say it, Teach me
Speaker 2: what to say, and teach me how to say it.
Speaker 2: Matthew ten, verse nineteen and twenty. Jesus says this, this
Speaker 2: is a promise. Do not worry about what to say
Speaker 2: or how to say it, because at that time you
Speaker 2: will be given what to say. This is Jesus talking here.
Speaker 2: You'll be given what to say, for it will not
Speaker 2: be you speaking, but the spirit of your Father speaking
Speaker 2: through you. Wouldn't that be nice? You think it's going
Speaker 2: to be better received. It's the spirit of God speaking
Speaker 2: through you. Of course it is so, He says, you
Speaker 2: don't worry about it. Why First I planned it, and
Speaker 2: second I prayed about it, and I said, God, tell
Speaker 2: me the right time, tell me the right place, and
Speaker 2: tell me the right way to say it. That's the
Speaker 2: p I save it for the best time and place
Speaker 2: what I'm going to say, and then I pray and
Speaker 2: plan what to say and how to say it. The
Speaker 2: e in speak to be a master speaker is empathize
Speaker 2: with their needs first. Empathize with their needs first. The
Speaker 2: person you're having the conversation with. You don't start out
Speaker 2: with your agenda. You don't start out with your hurt.
Speaker 2: You don't start out with your complaint. You don't start
Speaker 2: out with your gripe. You don't start out with your problem.
Speaker 2: You start with them. What's their need, what's their hurt?
Speaker 2: What's their interest? What's their fear not yours? What's their
Speaker 2: problem not yours? You start with them. Wow.
Speaker 1: Thanks Pastor Rick for such an amazing message today. And
Speaker 1: now here's Rick to tell you about today's offer.
Speaker 2: You know, ever since the publication of The Purpose Drive
Speaker 2: in Life, people have been asking me how they can
Speaker 2: teach their young children about the purpose of life. And
Speaker 2: they say, and I agree that it's never too early
Speaker 2: to start teaching your children that they're loved by God
Speaker 2: and He has a purpose for their life. It's never
Speaker 2: too soon to tell a child God made you unique
Speaker 2: so you could fulfill your special life mission on earth,
Speaker 2: and God planned you just for that. Now here's the
Speaker 2: super good news. We have taken the principles that are
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Speaker 2: age need to hear the message that they're not an accident.
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Speaker 2: book is called The Purpose Driven Life one hundred Illustrated
Speaker 2: Devotions for Children, and it includes engaging illustrations and devotionals
Speaker 2: speaking directly to the daily challenges that all of our
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Speaker 2: to you for your financial gift to Daily Hope, I
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Speaker 2: God's purpose for them.
Speaker 1: Be sure to request your copy of The Purpose Driven
Speaker 1: Life one hundred Illustrated Devotions for Children when you give
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Speaker 1: hope to seven h three oh nine and We thank
Speaker 1: you so much for your support. It helps us share
Speaker 1: the hope of Christ with people all around the world.
Speaker 1: Be sure to join us next time as we look
Speaker 1: into God's Word for our daily hope. This program is
Speaker 1: sponsored by Pastor Rick's Daily Hope and your generous financial support.