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<v Speaker 1>Hello, everybody, Welcome to Pastor Rick's Daily Hope. This is

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<v Speaker 1>the Bible teaching ministry of Rick Warren. Hey, we're so

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<v Speaker 1>glad you're here with us today. We are continuing in

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<v Speaker 1>a series called Talking about Stuff That Matters. Now. In

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<v Speaker 1>this series, Rick looks into the scriptures and he's unpacking

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<v Speaker 1>what it means to live in community, have real conversation

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<v Speaker 1>about what matters most, and face discouragement with courage and faith.

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<v Speaker 1>It's honest, hopeful, So stay tuned. You won't want to

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<v Speaker 1>miss a second. And now here's part two of a

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<v Speaker 1>message called creating Life Shaping Conversations.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, here's number four. The key and listen stands for

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<v Speaker 2>tune in, tune in to any fear or hurt beneath

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<v Speaker 2>the words. What people are feeling is far more important

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<v Speaker 2>in a conversation than what they're saying. And what they're

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<v Speaker 2>saying is often not exactly what they're feeling, but a

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<v Speaker 2>lot of times they're saying one thing and they're feeling another.

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<v Speaker 2>And if you're going to be a great listener, you

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<v Speaker 2>have to look past their words, past the things they're saying,

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<v Speaker 2>because sometimes what they're saying is offensive because they're hurt

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<v Speaker 2>or sometimes they're saying they're what they're saying is because

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<v Speaker 2>they're afraid, they're insecure, they're fearful. And when people get angry,

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<v Speaker 2>it's usually because they're frustrated, hurt, or fearful. You know what,

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<v Speaker 2>it's a whole lot easier to deal with people when

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<v Speaker 2>you know they're frustrated or they're hurt or they're fearful

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<v Speaker 2>than it is when they're angry. You're not very sympathetic

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<v Speaker 2>to people who get angry at you, but you are

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<v Speaker 2>sympathetic to people who are fearful, and you are sympathetic

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<v Speaker 2>people who are hurting, and you are sympathetic to people

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<v Speaker 2>who are frustrated. And so if you can look past

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<v Speaker 2>the words, In fact, sometimes in a conversation, to be

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<v Speaker 2>a good listener, you have to ignore the words and

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<v Speaker 2>look at the emotion and go, what's going on here.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm feeling this intensity come through on something that doesn't

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<v Speaker 2>seem to me to be a really big deal, but

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<v Speaker 2>clearly it's a really big deal because I'm feeling the pushback,

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<v Speaker 2>the blowback, And you have to ask, is this hurt,

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<v Speaker 2>is this fear? Is this frustration? And you're looking beyond

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<v Speaker 2>the words. Look. When you tune into any fear of

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<v Speaker 2>hurt beneath the words, you're looking for the open nerd,

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<v Speaker 2>why are they so reacting this way? You listen for

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<v Speaker 2>the pain, and sometimes the pain doesn't have anything to

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<v Speaker 2>do with you. It's pain out of their past, but

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<v Speaker 2>it's coming back at you. In this particular situation, you

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<v Speaker 2>look for the fear beyond the words. What is this called?

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<v Speaker 2>This is called sympathy. Sympathy when you're tuning in to

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<v Speaker 2>the emotion first Peter, Chapter three, verse eight. Be sympathetic,

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<v Speaker 2>loving each other like a family, and be kind and

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<v Speaker 2>be humble. When you're humble your open new ideas. When

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<v Speaker 2>you're kind and sympathetic and loving, you don't blow back.

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<v Speaker 2>They may get angry at you, go, this isn't really

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<v Speaker 2>what they're angry about. What are they afraid of? What

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<v Speaker 2>are they worried about? What are they anxious about? What

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<v Speaker 2>are they fearful about? What are they frustrated about? What

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<v Speaker 2>are they hurt about? And if you're going to be

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<v Speaker 2>a great listener, you've got to tune in to the

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<v Speaker 2>fear or hurt beneath the words. Number five, the E

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<v Speaker 2>in listen stands for engage, them with open ended questions.

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<v Speaker 2>Engage them with open ended questions. Now, what's an open

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<v Speaker 2>ended question, Well, it's the opposite of a closed ended question.

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<v Speaker 2>A closed inded question only requires a yes or a no.

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<v Speaker 2>When you say, where were you know? Where were you

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<v Speaker 2>on the nine or fourteenth, that's an open ended question.

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<v Speaker 2>When you say did you do this? Yes or no,

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<v Speaker 2>that's a closed inded question. If you're going to learn

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<v Speaker 2>to be a great listener, stop asking your children questions

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<v Speaker 2>whether they say yes or no. Those kind of questions

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<v Speaker 2>aren't really helpful. If you really want to understand your kids,

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<v Speaker 2>your teenager, if you want us to understand your husband,

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<v Speaker 2>you want to understand your wife, stop asking closed ended

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<v Speaker 2>questions yes or no. Ask a question that requires more

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<v Speaker 2>than one word and requires a little bit more thought

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<v Speaker 2>than simply yes or no, because that's where you're going

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<v Speaker 2>to get to the deeper issues in the conversation. Be sympathetic,

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<v Speaker 2>tune out the fear, tuned in the fear heard, and

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<v Speaker 2>then engage them with open ended questions. Now, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>have to go onto this a lot, because we talked

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<v Speaker 2>last week about the importance of questions in friendship. In fact,

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<v Speaker 2>I used this verse Last week Proverbs twenty verse five.

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<v Speaker 2>People's thoughts are like water in a deep well, but

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<v Speaker 2>someone with insight can draw them out. And how do

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<v Speaker 2>you draw them out? With questions? Particularly open ended question?

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<v Speaker 2>What does that mean? Any question that doesn't answer yes

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<v Speaker 2>or no, just whatever you it's an open ended question.

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<v Speaker 2>Now there's a magic phrase I want you to write

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<v Speaker 2>this down that will make you a master listener. And

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<v Speaker 2>you need to use it over and over and over

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<v Speaker 2>with kids, with spouses, with friends, with anybody else. And

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<v Speaker 2>it is the phrase tell me more, write this down,

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<v Speaker 2>tell me more. That is the magic phrase on how

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<v Speaker 2>you draw it out of people, out of grandchildren, out

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<v Speaker 2>of anybody, tell me more. So you don't just say, hey,

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<v Speaker 2>tell me about what's going on, tell me about your day,

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<v Speaker 2>and then they finish, and they might give you one

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<v Speaker 2>or two cents. Then you say tell me more. And

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<v Speaker 2>then when they finish it, they you go tell me more,

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<v Speaker 2>and then you keep tell me what are you doing?

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<v Speaker 2>You're going deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper, and

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<v Speaker 2>you're allowing them to express more and more and more.

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<v Speaker 2>And a lot of times I don't really know if

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<v Speaker 2>you mean it or not. And so if you say

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<v Speaker 2>tell me more, several times it says I'm really interested

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<v Speaker 2>in you. I'm paying attention, and what is attention attention

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<v Speaker 2>is love, So you say, tell me more. With most people,

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<v Speaker 2>whether it's kids or adults, you have to draw it

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<v Speaker 2>out of them like a bucket out of the well bucket.

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<v Speaker 2>And you do that by asking open ended questions. And

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<v Speaker 2>then when they respond, then you say, once they finish,

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<v Speaker 2>that's not all I'm going to say about it, tell

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<v Speaker 2>me more, and you wait, and you have to learn

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<v Speaker 2>to be patient. Finally, number six in learning to be

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<v Speaker 2>a great listener, the end and listen is never judge

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<v Speaker 2>until you have all the facts. Never judge until you

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<v Speaker 2>have all the facts. This will make you a great listener.

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<v Speaker 2>And Proverbs has a lot to say about this too.

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<v Speaker 2>God says, I don't want you making snap judgments. I

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<v Speaker 2>want you keeping an open mind. I don't want you

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<v Speaker 2>to be presumptuous. I don't want you to presume. I

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<v Speaker 2>don't want you to assume. Don't assume you have a

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<v Speaker 2>clear picture. Wait until you assure you have all the facts.

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<v Speaker 2>Here's the problem. Your kid, or your husband, or your wife,

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<v Speaker 2>or anybody starts talking to you about something, and you

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<v Speaker 2>start feeling emotion about what they're saying, and you start

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<v Speaker 2>forming an attitude either for that person or against that

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<v Speaker 2>person based on that. And you don't even have all

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<v Speaker 2>the facts yet. No, God says, keep an open mind,

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<v Speaker 2>don't prematurely evaluate, don't prejudge something, don't think you know

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<v Speaker 2>everything in advance. Proverbs eighteen, verse thirteen and fifteen says

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<v Speaker 2>this what a shame. Yes, how stupid to decide before

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<v Speaker 2>knowing the facts. A person with understanding gets the facts,

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<v Speaker 2>and the wise person listens to learn more. And the

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<v Speaker 2>more you listen, the more you learn. And you don't

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<v Speaker 2>judge until you have all the facts, because assumptions and

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<v Speaker 2>presumptions get us in trouble. Now, these are six golden

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<v Speaker 2>rules for learning to be a great listener. All right,

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<v Speaker 2>I have taught some of this material literally all around

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<v Speaker 2>the world to about a half a million pastors. So

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<v Speaker 2>I'm going to give you a shortened version of how

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<v Speaker 2>do you speak so that other people well listen? All right,

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<v Speaker 2>and it's speak five skills Number one. The S stands

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<v Speaker 2>for this, save it for the best time and place.

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<v Speaker 2>Save what you're going to say your conversation that you

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<v Speaker 2>know you need to have with your child or is

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<v Speaker 2>fouls or a boss or whoever. Save it for the

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<v Speaker 2>best time and place for great Conversation's timing is everything.

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<v Speaker 2>Have you learned this that you could have a really

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<v Speaker 2>good planned conversation and you shared it at the wrong time?

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<v Speaker 2>And how that go over for you? Not very good?

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<v Speaker 2>You know. One of the worst things is when you

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<v Speaker 2>get in bed with your husband or your wife, you

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<v Speaker 2>lean down and your spouse hays, honey, we need to talk.

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<v Speaker 2>That'll put the fear of God in any grown man. Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>I just put my head on the pillow. Never drop

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<v Speaker 2>a bomb in bed. Okay, save your bed for other things,

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<v Speaker 2>all right, But discussions is not the place for particularly

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<v Speaker 2>tough discussions. Not there now. Save it for the best

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<v Speaker 2>time and place. When's the best time, Not when you're

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<v Speaker 2>at your best, but when they're at their best. Now,

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<v Speaker 2>what's the best time for you to share it? The

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<v Speaker 2>best time to share something, to speak to somebody about

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<v Speaker 2>something is when they're at their best. Now. With kids,

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<v Speaker 2>you don't know when that's going to be. Last week

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<v Speaker 2>we talked about how kids are like clams. They open

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<v Speaker 2>up and they close, They open up and close. You

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<v Speaker 2>never know how long they're going to be open. You

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<v Speaker 2>can't schedule this kind of thing. That's why you have

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<v Speaker 2>to be prepared in advance, because you can't schedule it.

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<v Speaker 2>They're going to open up. As Kurt said, there's a

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<v Speaker 2>window of opportunity and it's going to shut down, so

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<v Speaker 2>you have to be patient. Here's what the Bible says.

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<v Speaker 2>Ecclesiastes three to seven, which was written by the same

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<v Speaker 2>guy who wrote Proverbs, Solomon the wisest man in the world.

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<v Speaker 2>He says this, there's a time to be silent, and

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<v Speaker 2>there's a time to speak. In other words, there's times

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<v Speaker 2>you need to speak up and there are other times

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<v Speaker 2>you need to shut up. Wisdom is knowing the difference.

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<v Speaker 2>Is this a good time to speak up or is

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<v Speaker 2>this a good time to shut up? While you're waiting

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<v Speaker 2>for the right time to come, you keep your ears

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<v Speaker 2>open and your mouth shut, and you don't spill the

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<v Speaker 2>beans prematurely. Ecclesiastes eight, verse six says this, there's a

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<v Speaker 2>right time and the right way for everything, even though

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<v Speaker 2>unfortunately we miss it for the most part. Okay, And

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<v Speaker 2>how do you know when you've missed the right timing?

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<v Speaker 2>You have conflict because they weren't ready for what you

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<v Speaker 2>needed to share. So how do I know the best time?

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<v Speaker 2>Here's number two? Pray and plan, Pray and plan, pray,

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<v Speaker 2>Pray about what you're going to say and how you're

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<v Speaker 2>going to say it. And plan what you're going to

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<v Speaker 2>say and how you're going to say it. Now, even

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<v Speaker 2>Jesus did this. Even Jesus did this, and John chapter twelve,

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<v Speaker 2>verse forty nine, Jesus says, I have not spoken on

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<v Speaker 2>my own power. Instead, the father who sent me told

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<v Speaker 2>me what I should say and how I should say it.

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<v Speaker 2>You see, even Jesus didn't just go speaking on his

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<v Speaker 2>own power. He would talk to the Father, heavenly father

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<v Speaker 2>in heaven, and the Father in heaven told him when

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<v Speaker 2>he should say it, what he should say, and how

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<v Speaker 2>he should say it. Now, that's your God, God, the Father.

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<v Speaker 2>Don't you think if he told Jesus what's saying how

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<v Speaker 2>to say it, he'll tell you what's say and how

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<v Speaker 2>to say it. Why hasn't he done that? You haven't asked.

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<v Speaker 2>You just haven't asked. But before you go into any

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<v Speaker 2>major meeting, before you have that important critical conversation with

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<v Speaker 2>that child, with your spouse, with a friend, a neighbor,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, an employee or boss. You need to pray

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<v Speaker 2>and plan. You need to do these two things in advance.

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<v Speaker 2>You don't walk into a meeting unprepared, without having prayed,

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<v Speaker 2>without having planned. Now, first, what you want to do

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<v Speaker 2>is you want to plan. What that means is this

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<v Speaker 2>Proverbs sixteen twenty three. Intelligence people think before they speak.

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<v Speaker 2>In other words, they put their mind in gear before

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<v Speaker 2>they put their mouth in motion. Intelligent think people think

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<v Speaker 2>before they speak. Then what they say is more what persuasive?

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<v Speaker 2>Now do you want to be persuasive? Okay, here's how

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<v Speaker 2>to be more persuasive. Plan what you're going to say,

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<v Speaker 2>fake it out in advance. Now, it says intelligent people

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<v Speaker 2>think before they speak, which means planning is a sign

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<v Speaker 2>you're smart. If you're walking into a major conversation with

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<v Speaker 2>your spouse and you haven't planned it, that's dumb. That

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<v Speaker 2>is not intelligent, that is not thought out, that is

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<v Speaker 2>not wise. Intelligent people think before they speak, So you

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<v Speaker 2>plan it out planning. This is a sign you're smart.

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<v Speaker 2>And it says if you plan it, then you'll be

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<v Speaker 2>more persuasive. How persuasive do you think I would be

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<v Speaker 2>if I stood up here every week without planning what

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<v Speaker 2>I was going to say. If I got up here

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<v Speaker 2>to Dan and said, well, folks, I really intended to

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<v Speaker 2>write a message to share with you, but there was

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<v Speaker 2>a praty bunch of marathon on and I wanted to

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<v Speaker 2>see what Greg and Marshall look like now. And I

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<v Speaker 2>know that wouldn't go for anything. I would have no influence,

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<v Speaker 2>would have no preparation, and I would have no persuasion

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<v Speaker 2>because I hadn't planned it. I hadn't thought it out. Now,

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<v Speaker 2>here's what the Bible says you do in your planning

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<v Speaker 2>Colautions four six. Everything circle that everything you say what's

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<v Speaker 2>not included in that nothing. Everything you say should be

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<v Speaker 2>two things. It should be kind and it should be

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<v Speaker 2>well thought out. Friends, If you'll just practice that one verse,

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<v Speaker 2>forget everything else I've taught today, you will become a

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<v Speaker 2>master communicator. If you're kind and you think it out

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<v Speaker 2>what you're going to say, you're going to be a

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<v Speaker 2>great communicator. Everything you say should be kind. If it's

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<v Speaker 2>not kind, you don't say it and well thought out.

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<v Speaker 2>So but you know how to answer everyone. So the

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<v Speaker 2>first thing you do is you plan, and the second

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<v Speaker 2>thing you do is you pray, and like Jesus, you say, Lord,

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<v Speaker 2>God Father, teach me when to say it, Teach me

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<v Speaker 2>what to say, and teach me how to say it.

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<v Speaker 2>Matthew ten, verse nineteen and twenty. Jesus says this, this

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<v Speaker 2>is a promise. Do not worry about what to say

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<v Speaker 2>or how to say it, because at that time you

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<v Speaker 2>will be given what to say. This is Jesus talking here.

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<v Speaker 2>You'll be given what to say, for it will not

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<v Speaker 2>be you speaking, but the spirit of your Father speaking

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<v Speaker 2>through you. Wouldn't that be nice? You think it's going

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<v Speaker 2>to be better received. It's the spirit of God speaking

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<v Speaker 2>through you. Of course it is so, He says, you

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<v Speaker 2>don't worry about it. Why First I planned it, and

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<v Speaker 2>second I prayed about it, and I said, God, tell

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<v Speaker 2>me the right time, tell me the right place, and

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<v Speaker 2>tell me the right way to say it. That's the

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<v Speaker 2>p I save it for the best time and place

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<v Speaker 2>what I'm going to say, and then I pray and

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<v Speaker 2>plan what to say and how to say it. The

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<v Speaker 2>e in speak to be a master speaker is empathize

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<v Speaker 2>with their needs first. Empathize with their needs first. The

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<v Speaker 2>person you're having the conversation with. You don't start out

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<v Speaker 2>with your agenda. You don't start out with your hurt.

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<v Speaker 2>You don't start out with your complaint. You don't start

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<v Speaker 2>out with your gripe. You don't start out with your problem.

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<v Speaker 2>You start with them. What's their need, what's their hurt?

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<v Speaker 2>What's their interest? What's their fear not yours? What's their

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<v Speaker 2>problem not yours? You start with them. Wow.

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<v Speaker 1>Thanks Pastor Rick for such an amazing message today. And

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<v Speaker 1>now here's Rick to tell you about today's offer.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, ever since the publication of The Purpose Drive

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<v Speaker 2>in Life, people have been asking me how they can

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<v Speaker 2>teach their young children about the purpose of life. And

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<v Speaker 2>they say, and I agree that it's never too early

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<v Speaker 2>to start teaching your children that they're loved by God

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<v Speaker 2>and He has a purpose for their life. It's never

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<v Speaker 2>too soon to tell a child God made you unique

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<v Speaker 2>so you could fulfill your special life mission on earth,

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<v Speaker 2>and God planned you just for that. Now here's the

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<v Speaker 2>super good news. We have taken the principles that are

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<v Speaker 2>taught in the Purpose Driven Life and we've written them

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<v Speaker 2>into short devotionals AIBE specifically at children ages four to

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<v Speaker 2>eight years old. Today, more than ever, kids at this

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<v Speaker 2>age need to hear the message that they're not an accident.

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<v Speaker 2>They need to hear. Even before the universe was created,

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<v Speaker 2>God had you in mind, and he planned you for

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<v Speaker 2>his purposes. You were made to last forever. Now. This

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<v Speaker 2>book is called The Purpose Driven Life one hundred Illustrated

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<v Speaker 2>Devotions for Children, and it includes engaging illustrations and devotionals

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<v Speaker 2>speaking directly to the daily challenges that all of our

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<v Speaker 2>kids are facing. And as a way of saying thanks

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<v Speaker 2>to you for your financial gift to Daily Hope, I

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<v Speaker 2>want to send you a copy of The Purpose Driven

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<v Speaker 2>Life one hundred Illustrated Devotions for Children. This will be

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<v Speaker 2>a great thing to give kids or to grandkids, and

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<v Speaker 2>at the same time, your support continues to help us

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<v Speaker 2>tell people all around the world about God's love and

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<v Speaker 2>God's purpose for them.

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<v Speaker 1>Be sure to request your copy of The Purpose Driven

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<v Speaker 1>Life one hundred Illustrated Devotions for Children when you give

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<v Speaker 1>a gift to Daily Hope. Just go to Pastorick dot

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<v Speaker 1>com to get your copy of this great resource. That's

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<v Speaker 1>pastorick dot com. Or you can text the word hope

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<v Speaker 1>to seven oh three oh nine. Again, that's the word

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<v Speaker 1>hope to seven h three oh nine and We thank

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<v Speaker 1>you so much for your support. It helps us share

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<v Speaker 1>the hope of Christ with people all around the world.

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<v Speaker 1>Be sure to join us next time as we look

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<v Speaker 1>into God's Word for our daily hope. This program is

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<v Speaker 1>sponsored by Pastor Rick's Daily Hope and your generous financial support.