WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.799 --> 00:00:06.799 Hullo. I'm welcome to cheating all the time. Glad you 2 00:00:06.879 --> 00:00:10.679 are here. Let's get into this next crazy sheet. I 3 00:00:10.759 --> 00:00:12.560 was lighting the candles on the dinner table when my 4 00:00:12.599 --> 00:00:15.160 phone buzzed again, and there it was Sash's thiry text 5 00:00:15.160 --> 00:00:17.480 in an iron running a little late. Don't wait up 6 00:00:17.480 --> 00:00:20.079 with the food, she wrote. I'd known her long enough 7 00:00:20.079 --> 00:00:22.679 to read the undertone. No explanation, just a flat update, 8 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:25.280 This sort of thing you sent to a coworker, maybe, 9 00:00:25.519 --> 00:00:28.399 But this was our anniversary, the one year marks since 10 00:00:28.399 --> 00:00:30.559 we got engaged. Not exactly the kind of night I 11 00:00:30.600 --> 00:00:33.399 expected her to treat so casually, I tried not to 12 00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:36.079 make much of it. She'd been promoted late last year, 13 00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:39.200 and there were always deadlines, networking drinks, late night status 14 00:00:39.240 --> 00:00:42.719 calls with her ambitious project manager. As straightened the forks, 15 00:00:42.880 --> 00:00:45.520 made sure her favorite wine was breathing, and forced myself 16 00:00:45.520 --> 00:00:48.159 to ignore how the cities thus pressed against our apartment window. 17 00:00:48.759 --> 00:00:51.640 In the kitchen, the lasagna already smelled a little overdone. 18 00:00:52.000 --> 00:00:54.119 I planned for dinner at it now. It was nine thirty. 19 00:00:54.719 --> 00:00:57.479 The front door finally creaked open, and Sash's voice floated 20 00:00:57.520 --> 00:01:01.320 in strained but light. Sorry, Abe got totally buried under 21 00:01:01.359 --> 00:01:04.359 that finance review. She shuffled him with a distracted peck 22 00:01:04.400 --> 00:01:07.599 on my cheek, her arms full of grocery bags. I 23 00:01:07.599 --> 00:01:10.079 stood there, waiting for whatever warmth might come next, but 24 00:01:10.159 --> 00:01:13.159 she fumbled through the kitchen instead, dumping bikes onto the counter, 25 00:01:13.200 --> 00:01:15.920 as if we'd called for bread delivery. I grabbed some 26 00:01:15.959 --> 00:01:18.400 things for tomorrow. Thought you mentioned wanting breakfast stuff? Hey, 27 00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:21.879 is dinner ruined already? Her words tumbled up, quickly colliding 28 00:01:21.879 --> 00:01:24.799 as she flipped her phone onto the counter that, in 29 00:01:24.879 --> 00:01:27.000 itself was ought. She never left it more than an 30 00:01:27.079 --> 00:01:30.640 arm's lent away, not once since we'd moved in. I 31 00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:33.920 tried to match her brightness. No, not ruined, just a 32 00:01:33.920 --> 00:01:36.799 bit crosper than usual. I managed to smile, but it 33 00:01:36.840 --> 00:01:39.879 didn't reach my eyes. She hummed an affirmation, then all 34 00:01:39.920 --> 00:01:42.719 but darted down the hallway toward the bathroom, stammering, just 35 00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:44.719 need a quick shower of traffic was a nightmare to day. 36 00:01:45.200 --> 00:01:47.879 The water started immediately, as if should practice this arrival 37 00:01:47.879 --> 00:01:50.799 a dozen times. As they set out the plates, Sasha's 38 00:01:50.799 --> 00:01:53.560 phone shined softly from a counted op. The screen led 39 00:01:53.680 --> 00:01:56.239 up for a second. It was just her lock screened 40 00:01:56.239 --> 00:01:58.040 some blurry photo of us at the lake glass fall, 41 00:01:58.079 --> 00:02:00.799 then overlaid near the top, previously bothered into view a 42 00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:03.680 heart emoji and a message from him, just that the 43 00:02:03.719 --> 00:02:08.039 initial hanging there. My stomach nodded. Sasha didn't know many 44 00:02:08.080 --> 00:02:10.240 people with an em I waited until the lops green 45 00:02:10.280 --> 00:02:12.439 faded and the kitchen sank into a hush again, except 46 00:02:12.479 --> 00:02:14.800 for the hiss of shower water. She had never set 47 00:02:14.800 --> 00:02:17.879 her phone to silent during dinner before that heart glistening 48 00:02:17.879 --> 00:02:20.199 in the blue left a sire await behind my roops. 49 00:02:20.919 --> 00:02:23.039 By the time she emerged, tell wrapped in flushed, she 50 00:02:23.080 --> 00:02:26.360 had already adopted her game face. Oh my group chat 51 00:02:26.400 --> 00:02:28.800 is going wild, she grinned, swiping her fun clothed and 52 00:02:28.800 --> 00:02:31.039 stashing it in her pocket before I could read her eyes. 53 00:02:31.800 --> 00:02:34.280 These finance notes can't make a plan to save their lives, 54 00:02:35.080 --> 00:02:38.080 she laughed, almost genuine, but her smile flickered at the edges. 55 00:02:38.639 --> 00:02:41.919 I poured her wine. She toasted me for a full 56 00:02:41.919 --> 00:02:44.159 half ire. We pretended normal. She asked about my day 57 00:02:44.159 --> 00:02:46.879 and feigned interest in my stores. But a candle between 58 00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:49.159 us felt suddenly ornamental, as if we performed an old 59 00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:52.199 script for an empty audience. It was impossible not to 60 00:02:52.240 --> 00:02:55.000 think back to the hundreds of nights before suspicion existed, 61 00:02:55.479 --> 00:02:59.319 before quiet tens sired the air. Last summer, after fifteen 62 00:02:59.360 --> 00:03:02.000 months of dating, Sasha and I moved into this apartment together. 63 00:03:02.639 --> 00:03:04.400 It was a shoe books near the river, but to 64 00:03:04.479 --> 00:03:06.360 us it felt like proof proof that city rents and 65 00:03:06.360 --> 00:03:08.479 ted kitchens and all those jokes about couples who never 66 00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:11.479 get space would never hurt us. We started things with 67 00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:14.400 a rast sort of clarity. In the first few weeks, 68 00:03:14.599 --> 00:03:17.400 everything slotted into place. Sasha brought the levity and wit. 69 00:03:17.599 --> 00:03:20.599 I brought structure and sometimes too much earnestness. According to her, 70 00:03:20.639 --> 00:03:24.960 at least week ends became rituals. On Saturdays, wh'd lays 71 00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:27.159 our boots and drive up past the city line, hiking 72 00:03:27.199 --> 00:03:30.080 until the trees overhead dappled our faces. If we had 73 00:03:30.080 --> 00:03:32.840 friends along, we'd always be the couple trailing behind, hands 74 00:03:32.879 --> 00:03:35.680 knoted at the hills. Rest On Sundays it was branch 75 00:03:35.759 --> 00:03:39.439 always something new, sometimes a pop up cafe, sometimes greasy diner, 76 00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:43.479 eggs and watery coffee. Sasha insisted on rotating joint playlists, 77 00:03:43.919 --> 00:03:47.159 rolling her eyes at my fondness for eightyscinth. On weeknights, 78 00:03:47.159 --> 00:03:48.919 it was gay nights, sometimes just the two of us 79 00:03:48.919 --> 00:03:51.560 with a battered deck of cards, sometimes five or six 80 00:03:51.599 --> 00:03:53.759 friends around our little table, the laughter echoing off the 81 00:03:53.840 --> 00:03:57.840 kitchen tile. Sasha would host for filling drinks, riffing on balls, 82 00:03:57.919 --> 00:04:00.960 leaning in with her competitive edge. On those nights, she 83 00:04:01.080 --> 00:04:03.039 tossed her phone into the miss of keys and wallets, 84 00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:06.199 grabbing it only to scroll for means. Between rounds, she 85 00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:07.919 liked to cook with me. My chop she sought it. 86 00:04:08.599 --> 00:04:10.759 She always teased me about the mess I made flyer 87 00:04:10.800 --> 00:04:12.479 on my cheeks, or a trail of spinach bits on 88 00:04:12.520 --> 00:04:15.599 the stove. Occasionally she let her arms round my waist 89 00:04:15.599 --> 00:04:18.600 while I grated cheese, murmuring, some day I want to 90 00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:20.360 do this in a proper kitchen. Think he could handle 91 00:04:20.360 --> 00:04:23.480 a double oven. The proposal had happened almost by accident, 92 00:04:24.120 --> 00:04:26.560 one unusually warm spring night, after a movie in the park. 93 00:04:26.680 --> 00:04:28.720 She looked at me over the stolid grass and said, 94 00:04:28.839 --> 00:04:31.199 what if we just settled this hut, got married before 95 00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:33.879 some one else steals you off the market? I laughed, 96 00:04:33.920 --> 00:04:36.480 but she was already kneeling, scowling at the damp ground. 97 00:04:37.160 --> 00:04:38.879 She didn't have a ring, just a twist of string 98 00:04:38.920 --> 00:04:40.920 from her jacket pocket, But it was the only answer 99 00:04:41.000 --> 00:04:45.120 that made sense. For weeks afterward, everything felt lighter. We're 100 00:04:45.160 --> 00:04:47.800 going to be an obnoxiously happy couple, she whispered. One morning, 101 00:04:47.959 --> 00:04:51.800 Jim pressed my shoulder. Get ready. A year later, we 102 00:04:51.839 --> 00:04:55.399 had writing venues bookmarked on my laptop, pinter's boards of cakes, 103 00:04:55.600 --> 00:05:00.240 tentsive guest lists. Sash's parents were distant, but delighted. My 104 00:05:00.319 --> 00:05:02.920 parents called every Sunday, eager to offer more opinions than 105 00:05:02.959 --> 00:05:06.240 we wanted. Even work dress couldn'tdent have safe. It all felt. 106 00:05:06.680 --> 00:05:09.160 But the anniversary night's candles gutted lower, and that sense 107 00:05:09.199 --> 00:05:12.199 of comfort felt suddenly brittle. As I watched Sasha toy 108 00:05:12.279 --> 00:05:14.079 with her paster, flicking at her phone with her thumb 109 00:05:14.120 --> 00:05:16.000 under the table, I realized I didn't know what jerk 110 00:05:16.079 --> 00:05:18.839 was in her head. The next morning, she left before dawn, 111 00:05:18.920 --> 00:05:21.399 shuffling through laundry with her heads had already draped around 112 00:05:21.399 --> 00:05:25.519 her neck. The old routines began to fracture. It started small. 113 00:05:25.560 --> 00:05:28.959 A few weeks after the anniversary, Sasha began slipping in 114 00:05:29.000 --> 00:05:31.839 through the door later than usual. Sometimes she text at 115 00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:34.279 six forty five oll eight meeting hold dinner, butter ive 116 00:05:34.319 --> 00:05:37.079 close to nine, apologizing and dumping her shoulder bag by 117 00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:40.759 the door. I made efforts not to fass. Everyone's job 118 00:05:40.800 --> 00:05:44.040 gets intense occasionally, but there were new patterns, subtle and 119 00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:46.360 hard to ignore, that built up in space between us 120 00:05:47.000 --> 00:05:49.839 our mornings. Once rambling and silly trunk to utility she 121 00:05:49.920 --> 00:05:52.480 eats standing up. I was darting between her phone and cabinet, 122 00:05:52.639 --> 00:05:55.600 muttering half baked plans about catching up poor teen check ins. 123 00:05:56.199 --> 00:05:58.160 The dinner, as we used to cook together, became more 124 00:05:58.199 --> 00:06:00.360 about leftovers or take out. She'd retreat to the couch 125 00:06:00.399 --> 00:06:03.160 after a few bites, scrowling, replying to some invisible thread 126 00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:05.879 I was not part of. One Thursday night, while we 127 00:06:05.920 --> 00:06:08.199 watched a movie, Sasha rested her phone face down on 128 00:06:08.240 --> 00:06:11.120 the coffee table. Partway through. A quiet buzz vibrated the 129 00:06:11.160 --> 00:06:14.079 junk mail pile, and her head snapped up. She blinked 130 00:06:14.079 --> 00:06:16.800 at the screen for a second, thimmumble, sorry work, got 131 00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:18.560 to take this, and slipped out to the hallway, phone 132 00:06:18.600 --> 00:06:21.600 press tight to her ear, face and readable. I didn't follow. 133 00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:24.360 When she came back, she settled him beside me, but 134 00:06:24.399 --> 00:06:27.279 she didn't say anything about who had cold? I tested 135 00:06:27.279 --> 00:06:31.279 the water. Everything okay, she nodded, already unlocking her iPad. 136 00:06:32.040 --> 00:06:34.000 Just a deadline crunch. They don't know how to leave 137 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:36.879 me alone. I waited for the usual office drama, those 138 00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:39.279 funny stores about Stephen accounting or that weird a mel 139 00:06:39.319 --> 00:06:42.439 a mimel chain harbossa joined, But she said nothing, just 140 00:06:42.519 --> 00:06:45.079 let the silence spread. It was the first time she 141 00:06:45.120 --> 00:06:48.759 hadn't offered details. Planning the wedding became a shadow game. 142 00:06:49.319 --> 00:06:52.040 I'd leave any suggestions open on my laptop. Pos sticky 143 00:06:52.040 --> 00:06:54.079 is in the fridge of possible dates, suggest tastings on 144 00:06:54.160 --> 00:06:57.720 meet ups with potential photographers. Sasha waved me off. Let's 145 00:06:57.720 --> 00:07:00.439 talk next week. I'm buried at work or we've got 146 00:07:00.480 --> 00:07:03.240 tons of time. No need to stress. She said it 147 00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:06.480 too often, like a magic phrase to banish confrontation. She 148 00:07:06.560 --> 00:07:09.839 started excusing herself more frequently during our game nights, sometimes 149 00:07:09.839 --> 00:07:12.160 to the hallway or the stoop. There was always a 150 00:07:12.199 --> 00:07:14.279 reason a friend from work needed a pep talk, her 151 00:07:14.279 --> 00:07:17.720 mom had called, or she had to answer her Slack message. Oddly, 152 00:07:17.759 --> 00:07:20.079 her phone's alerts changed. The cheerful things of group texts 153 00:07:20.079 --> 00:07:23.800 were replaced by silent, persistent vibrations. After a while, she 154 00:07:23.839 --> 00:07:26.240 even started leaving her phone behind, as if to prove 155 00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:29.600 she wasn't hiding anything. But when she returned, her shoulders 156 00:07:29.639 --> 00:07:32.279 were tight and she barely contributed ies glazed over he 157 00:07:32.279 --> 00:07:34.959 as she watched dice roll across the table. I told 158 00:07:35.000 --> 00:07:37.560 myself it was just work, just a rough patried weather together. 159 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:40.720 But still I started to count each absence, each excuse, 160 00:07:40.839 --> 00:07:43.879 each carefully added an anecdote about her day. I noticed 161 00:07:43.920 --> 00:07:46.120 she rarely laughed any more, and when she did, it 162 00:07:46.160 --> 00:07:48.959 was a quick, shallow sound. One night, as I left 163 00:07:48.959 --> 00:07:51.160 the glass of water on her bedside table, I noticed 164 00:07:51.160 --> 00:07:53.519 the lock screen again an now the message let the 165 00:07:53.560 --> 00:07:55.600 display just to em the same initial as that hot 166 00:07:55.720 --> 00:07:58.800 Moojia preview. Sasha snashed up the phone before I could 167 00:07:58.800 --> 00:08:02.120 see the rest, fluffing her pills with the other hand. Sorry, 168 00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:04.519 needed to set the alarm, she said, but her tone 169 00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:07.759 was clipped. I tried to let it pass, but the 170 00:08:07.839 --> 00:08:10.800 tension pulled on my shoulders and refused to fade. Weeks 171 00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:13.680 slept by, and Sasha's patterns of late commute, missing dinners 172 00:08:13.839 --> 00:08:17.759 entirely furnished anecdotes grew more defined. Our few shared evenings, 173 00:08:17.759 --> 00:08:19.759 stalled with small talk as she thumbed her phone under 174 00:08:19.759 --> 00:08:23.040 the table, crafting rapid responses I couldn't occurred for the 175 00:08:23.079 --> 00:08:25.199 next game night. I texted every one the time and 176 00:08:25.240 --> 00:08:29.120 game plan, then got to work prippin snacks. Sasha arrived late, 177 00:08:29.240 --> 00:08:31.279 dropped her bag, and after a ten minute weroll w 178 00:08:31.279 --> 00:08:33.759 into four small talk, slipped outside onto the step with 179 00:08:33.799 --> 00:08:37.480 her phone. Our friends looked at me eyebrows cocked. When 180 00:08:37.519 --> 00:08:40.120 Sasha returned, face carefully bank, I asked if everything was 181 00:08:40.159 --> 00:08:43.080 all right, It's just freezing out. I needed a breath. 182 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:45.240 She joined him for the rest of the game, but 183 00:08:45.320 --> 00:08:48.960 her voice was subdued distracted. Even Jess, her oldest friend, 184 00:08:49.000 --> 00:08:51.399 tilted her head and whispered, everything cool between you too. 185 00:08:51.480 --> 00:08:54.200 When Sasha left the room, I started noticing that she 186 00:08:54.279 --> 00:08:57.039 was up late, sometimes almost a midnight, her laptop eliminating 187 00:08:57.039 --> 00:08:59.879 her face while she hunted in bed. Whenever I rolled over, 188 00:09:00.200 --> 00:09:03.000 she flicked the screen closed and murmur just finishing something. 189 00:09:03.639 --> 00:09:06.639 One weekend, after a sleepily contentious brunch with our friends, 190 00:09:06.720 --> 00:09:08.759 I ducked into the spare bathroom to get more coffee 191 00:09:08.799 --> 00:09:12.240 and heard sashes foistered a wall soften intimate. At first, 192 00:09:12.279 --> 00:09:14.159 I thought she was leaving a voicemail for her ma'am. 193 00:09:14.200 --> 00:09:16.159 But the way she laughed gentle on guard it made 194 00:09:16.200 --> 00:09:19.080 me hesitate. When I came back into the kitchen, she 195 00:09:19.240 --> 00:09:22.159 was back to her careful restraint. Our friend grew began 196 00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:24.879 joking about her new marriage to her job. You two 197 00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:28.519 still exist together, Mark, one of Sasha's old friends, teased 198 00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:32.320 at dinner one night. Sasha only smiled thinly. She made 199 00:09:32.320 --> 00:09:34.960 excuses to skip drinks, saying something's got to give if 200 00:09:34.960 --> 00:09:37.600 I'm going to get sleep before Monday. When I tried 201 00:09:37.600 --> 00:09:40.519 to draw her into a conversation about honeymoon destinations, she 202 00:09:40.559 --> 00:09:44.039 swept my laptop clothes, promising she'd have energy after this crunch. 203 00:09:44.720 --> 00:09:48.080 Days blurred. I marked little things, her phone switching hands, 204 00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:50.000 the second I knee, the way she locked the bathroom 205 00:09:50.080 --> 00:09:52.799 door now, or how she'd erase certain notifications before setting 206 00:09:52.799 --> 00:09:55.240 her phone down. All of it could be explained just 207 00:09:55.240 --> 00:09:58.360 barely by stress, but it never quite added up. One 208 00:09:58.399 --> 00:10:01.480 Friday afternoon, the doubt pulled into something heavier. I was 209 00:10:01.519 --> 00:10:04.080 walking past her computer as she closed out browser tabs. 210 00:10:04.840 --> 00:10:08.240 She jerked upright, smiling too wide. Don't go snooping, I'm 211 00:10:08.279 --> 00:10:10.879 just getting venue info, but there was a window open 212 00:10:10.919 --> 00:10:12.879 behind her, a message with a hot moji the now 213 00:10:12.919 --> 00:10:16.360 familiar m half hidden by nod for hotel deals. Miya 214 00:10:16.399 --> 00:10:19.440 knees grew something in me started to check for evidence. 215 00:10:19.960 --> 00:10:22.080 I scold her shared caund at, looking for gaps that 216 00:10:22.120 --> 00:10:25.159 coincided with night. She'd been unreachable or vague about her whereabouts. 217 00:10:25.840 --> 00:10:28.320 Her wet group chaps became a murky patchwork of inside 218 00:10:28.399 --> 00:10:31.000 jokes and private references. I couldn't keep up with That 219 00:10:31.120 --> 00:10:33.440 hot moji message kept replaying in my mind at night, 220 00:10:33.480 --> 00:10:36.080 as did the shadows undisashus eyes and how impossible it 221 00:10:36.120 --> 00:10:39.399 felt to reach her lately. One Wednesday, after work, Sasha 222 00:10:39.480 --> 00:10:42.080 nonce she needed a mental health night. She pour a 223 00:10:42.120 --> 00:10:45.440 glass of solf blanc, order something from that new Mediterranean place, 224 00:10:45.600 --> 00:10:48.399 and crash on the couch with Netflix. I offered to 225 00:10:48.480 --> 00:10:51.440 join her, but she said, honestly, I need some alone time. 226 00:10:51.960 --> 00:10:55.600 I nodded, stepping aside. I spent the night hold up 227 00:10:55.639 --> 00:10:58.399 in our bedroom, listening for her laughter from the living room, 228 00:10:58.480 --> 00:11:00.120 but all I heard was the lodron of Tea VI 229 00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:03.279 and the click of notifications. She never explained The next morning, 230 00:11:03.320 --> 00:11:06.159 she claimed she slept poorly. The lamb was too rich, 231 00:11:06.360 --> 00:11:10.759 she said, sipping her coffee automatically. Sash's routine changed too. 232 00:11:10.919 --> 00:11:13.639 She started running errand she never mentioned before, like buying 233 00:11:13.639 --> 00:11:16.200 a certain coffee blend, of stopping for last minute groceries 234 00:11:16.200 --> 00:11:18.519 on her way home. Though our cuvets were full. When 235 00:11:18.519 --> 00:11:20.559 I asked about her trips, her stores felt flat and 236 00:11:20.720 --> 00:11:24.000 heavy on details that didn't matter. Day from Accounting needed 237 00:11:24.039 --> 00:11:26.559 advice on his lisap, but she'd never talked about Day before. 238 00:11:27.200 --> 00:11:29.639 The incident that truly cracked the Veneer came about because, 239 00:11:29.720 --> 00:11:32.639 despite myself, I decided to surprise her. It was a 240 00:11:32.720 --> 00:11:35.120 rainy Tuesday, and I'd woken up with a plan. Pick 241 00:11:35.159 --> 00:11:37.320 up her favorite order from the tiny Talion place near 242 00:11:37.360 --> 00:11:39.759 her office, swing by the bakery Kinlay's, and show up 243 00:11:39.759 --> 00:11:42.960 at her desk. She'd always wanted me to meet her coworkers, 244 00:11:43.039 --> 00:11:46.480 and for months I'd been promising to stop by. I figured, 245 00:11:46.559 --> 00:11:49.320 if nothing else, her team would cheer her up. Outside 246 00:11:49.320 --> 00:11:51.440 her building, the wind howled as I wrestled the teacup 247 00:11:51.440 --> 00:11:54.159 bag into the lobby. By noon, the receptionist to Lucy 248 00:11:54.240 --> 00:11:57.799 was some one I'd met a few times at events. Oh, Alex, 249 00:11:57.879 --> 00:11:59.919 I think Sasha just stepped out. Are you meeting her 250 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:03.600 the Hartley Bestro? Her tone light. I shook my head, confused. 251 00:12:04.360 --> 00:12:05.840 She said she had to rush for an off site 252 00:12:05.919 --> 00:12:08.440 meeting and wouldn't be back until later. Do you want 253 00:12:08.440 --> 00:12:12.360 to leave anything for her? My hands fumbled. Sasha had 254 00:12:12.360 --> 00:12:14.639 texted me this morning she'd be in the office all day. 255 00:12:14.679 --> 00:12:18.240 Back lad the pieces didn't fit. I left the food 256 00:12:18.240 --> 00:12:21.720 with Lucy and wandered through the rain, mostly numb. That night, 257 00:12:21.799 --> 00:12:24.720 Sasha arrived home around eight thirty, damp and smelling faintly 258 00:12:24.759 --> 00:12:27.639 of perfume. Her eyes tired become She hugged me by 259 00:12:27.639 --> 00:12:30.320 the sink, murmured that work had obliterated horror, and dug 260 00:12:30.320 --> 00:12:33.080 through the fridge for leftovers. She made no mention of 261 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:36.360 Hartley Bestro or the off site meeting. I stood behind her, 262 00:12:36.399 --> 00:12:38.120 waiting to hear even a shred of guilt or something 263 00:12:38.120 --> 00:12:39.759 out of place in her story, But there was only 264 00:12:39.759 --> 00:12:43.519 her careful measure voice. I didn't mention my afternoon, but 265 00:12:43.639 --> 00:12:46.360 at some level it stopped believing her. It was less 266 00:12:46.360 --> 00:12:50.240 suspicion now and more bitter, swilling knowledge. Still, I wanted 267 00:12:50.240 --> 00:12:52.600 to know how far things had gone that night. The 268 00:12:52.639 --> 00:12:55.559 thunder kept me up. When Sasha finally slipped into the 269 00:12:55.600 --> 00:12:58.200 bathroom for her pre bedchour, I glanced at her phone. 270 00:12:58.639 --> 00:13:01.480 I hesitated. She'd always been crivesly obsessed, but once she 271 00:13:01.559 --> 00:13:05.559 called it the ultimate trust test, I justified myself. I 272 00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:08.720 tapped her notifications open. Most of her text threads had 273 00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:11.639 been recently deleted, but one message remained in the preview field, 274 00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:14.720 wish I could see you tonight. It was from them, 275 00:13:15.279 --> 00:13:18.440 no last name. The message thread was short, but several 276 00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:21.440 recent replies had vanished, just the system's grade eleted indicator 277 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:25.840 hanging awkwardly in place. I exhaled, hanslick. This was more 278 00:13:25.840 --> 00:13:28.919 than work, more than an old friend's joke orha miss 279 00:13:28.960 --> 00:13:32.039 group chat. In the photo album, a new folder blinked, 280 00:13:32.120 --> 00:13:35.799 labeled only with a smiley face amology. Inside photo after 281 00:13:35.840 --> 00:13:39.120 photo sashered, a low lit restaurant surfaced. The ambient lighting 282 00:13:39.240 --> 00:13:42.039 was golden, the background blurred with wine glasses and plates 283 00:13:42.039 --> 00:13:44.600 of fruit. I'd never set for it in that restaurant, 284 00:13:44.720 --> 00:13:46.919 had never seen the auburn dress she wore in half 285 00:13:46.919 --> 00:13:50.080 the pictures, the angle some time to hand visible, not 286 00:13:50.200 --> 00:13:54.399 her suggested the photographer was close intimate. I heard the 287 00:13:54.440 --> 00:13:57.600 shower water stop hard in my throat. I closed her apps, 288 00:13:57.639 --> 00:14:00.000 placed the fall exactly where I'd found it, and returned 289 00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:03.200 to bed. The next morning, Sasha was already gone before 290 00:14:03.200 --> 00:14:05.600 I work Her side of the bet was called her 291 00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:09.080 schedule a mystery. Knowing what I did wasn't enough. I 292 00:14:09.159 --> 00:14:11.240 needed more. I needed to see it to know with certainty. 293 00:14:11.799 --> 00:14:14.799 But paranoia and shame in hand in hand. For days, 294 00:14:14.919 --> 00:14:19.159 I replayed each conversation, hunting for inconsistencies, replain each missing ire. 295 00:14:19.759 --> 00:14:21.960 Her birthday was coming up and we'd plan a small 296 00:14:21.960 --> 00:14:26.080 dinner with friends. Sasha was distracted throughout, dancing between laughter 297 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:28.960 and blankness, sipping her wine and texting under the table. 298 00:14:29.000 --> 00:14:31.919 When she thought I wouldn't notice. I tried to joke 299 00:14:31.919 --> 00:14:33.840 about her phone addiction, but she shot me all a 300 00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:37.000 calf annoyance, half warning, it's just work, bulghit let it 301 00:14:37.080 --> 00:14:40.000 go to night yea. After dinner, she slipped outside under 302 00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:43.919 the pretense of calling her ma'am. Twenty minute passed. When 303 00:14:43.919 --> 00:14:45.600 I went to look for her, I found her leaning 304 00:14:45.639 --> 00:14:48.200 against the brick of the building, breath fogging in the cold, 305 00:14:48.279 --> 00:14:51.240 voice soft as she cradled her phone. I paused, not 306 00:14:51.360 --> 00:14:53.960 wanting a confrontation in public, and watched her, feeling a 307 00:14:54.000 --> 00:14:57.200 heavy chelseing through me. She finished, pocketed her phone, and 308 00:14:57.279 --> 00:14:59.399 when she saw me, she smiled as if nothing was wrong. 309 00:15:00.200 --> 00:15:02.919 Just man checking in about next month's plans. Sorry, babe, 310 00:15:03.320 --> 00:15:05.440 I nodded, tracing the gaps in her story and how 311 00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:08.759 quickly she rebuffed my questions. Everything all right with her? 312 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:13.600 I asked, Sasha only shrugged, brushing past me. We walked 313 00:15:13.600 --> 00:15:16.480 home in silence. I started taking note of where she 314 00:15:16.519 --> 00:15:19.919 claimed to be, marking texts and timestamps, searching for overlap. 315 00:15:20.519 --> 00:15:22.759 One night, she delayed game night at the last minute, 316 00:15:22.840 --> 00:15:25.080 saying she'd be at work late to finish a quarterly review. 317 00:15:25.679 --> 00:15:29.200 I texted Jess, who worked three fours down. Hey, is 318 00:15:29.279 --> 00:15:32.759 Sasha at the office. She hasn't answered my texts, Jess wrote. 319 00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:35.200 She said she left at five, had dinner planned, haven't 320 00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:37.759 seen her sent. I stared at the message until the 321 00:15:37.759 --> 00:15:40.840 screen went black. Another night, as she left, claiming a 322 00:15:40.840 --> 00:15:43.679 work emergency, the urge to follow overwhelm me. I tailed 323 00:15:43.679 --> 00:15:46.559 her through the city, trying not to feel foolish. She 324 00:15:46.639 --> 00:15:49.440 hailed a calf from our block. I couldn't see her face. 325 00:15:49.440 --> 00:15:51.480 She was angled away, phone to her ear, hair pulled 326 00:15:51.480 --> 00:15:54.159 into a tight ponytail. I used her ride up to 327 00:15:54.159 --> 00:15:57.200 track her route. She was headed across town, far from 328 00:15:57.240 --> 00:16:00.480 her office or our usual haunts. She exited me quiet 329 00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:02.799 corner on Cypross Street, outside a dim beastro I had 330 00:16:02.840 --> 00:16:05.879 passed once on or run, but never entered. I kept back, 331 00:16:06.000 --> 00:16:08.759 standing in the shelter of a tree. Minutes later, a 332 00:16:08.799 --> 00:16:12.600 man approached, tall, broad shoulder with familiar sandy hair, Mark 333 00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:15.320 Mark from her old job, who had always joked with 334 00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:18.279 her or parties, Mark who had faded from our core 335 00:16:18.360 --> 00:16:21.320 group over the past few months. She greeted him with 336 00:16:21.360 --> 00:16:24.440 the tight, too familiar hug more than a friend would give. 337 00:16:25.159 --> 00:16:26.960 Then the two of them disappeared into the low liit 338 00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:29.759 restaurant arm in ARM. I watched them through the haze 339 00:16:29.799 --> 00:16:31.679 of rain and street lights as they spoke, head's close, 340 00:16:31.840 --> 00:16:35.519 hands brushing as they shared a plate. They laughed, faces alight. 341 00:16:36.279 --> 00:16:39.679 I snapped a photo. My hands were shaking. They left 342 00:16:39.679 --> 00:16:42.080 two hours later, splitting down the block, careful not to 343 00:16:42.080 --> 00:16:44.279 touch more than a polite squeeze of the arm. I 344 00:16:44.360 --> 00:16:47.039 followed Sasha's retreating figure as far as the taxi stand, 345 00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:49.480 watching as she disappeared into another cap, this time on 346 00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:52.879 her way home. When she arrived that night, how slightly damp, 347 00:16:52.919 --> 00:16:55.159 sent of an familiar clown, clinging to her scarf. I 348 00:16:55.200 --> 00:16:57.679 met her at the door, good night at the office. 349 00:16:58.320 --> 00:17:01.679 She blinked, no hesitation, Y had just needed to decompress. 350 00:17:02.360 --> 00:17:04.599 She slipped her arms round me, pressing her head to 351 00:17:04.640 --> 00:17:08.759 my shoulder. She was so careful, almost too careful. I nodded, 352 00:17:08.839 --> 00:17:12.200 heart full of broken glass. I realized then it wasn't 353 00:17:12.200 --> 00:17:15.920 a question any more, Not really, I knew. I nodded, 354 00:17:16.000 --> 00:17:19.319 heart full of broken glass. I realized then it wasn't 355 00:17:19.319 --> 00:17:22.880 a question any more. Not really I knew. But living 356 00:17:22.920 --> 00:17:24.680 with the knowledge was a different sort of torment, the 357 00:17:24.759 --> 00:17:27.240 kind that creeped into the minutes after midnight and reshapes 358 00:17:27.279 --> 00:17:30.319 every memory you thought was safe. It was almost a relief, 359 00:17:30.359 --> 00:17:33.079 at least at first, to have something tangible, efface and name, 360 00:17:33.160 --> 00:17:35.960 even a photograph to anchor the ache. Yet some part 361 00:17:35.960 --> 00:17:38.079 of me aged for absolute certainty, as if the pain 362 00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:40.720 wouldn't be real until I'd collected every fragment, lined up 363 00:17:40.759 --> 00:17:42.799 each lie, and proved beyond doubt that the thing we'd 364 00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:46.000 built together had finally cracked beyond repair. The days after 365 00:17:46.039 --> 00:17:48.160 I followed her to that beastrip pasted in a waking blur. 366 00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:51.480 Sasha moved through the apartment with the confident nonchalance of 367 00:17:51.519 --> 00:17:54.160 some one who believed her secrets was still secure. She 368 00:17:54.279 --> 00:17:57.240 was almost affectionate in little measure doses, a quick squeeze 369 00:17:57.279 --> 00:17:59.680 of the shoulder, a question tossed over her shoulder about dinner, 370 00:17:59.680 --> 00:18:01.319 a cup tea left on the table for me as 371 00:18:01.359 --> 00:18:04.480 she left for work. She had started buying fancy granola, 372 00:18:04.559 --> 00:18:06.359 the kind she used to say was a waste of money, 373 00:18:06.400 --> 00:18:09.400 and left out balls like an offering. I tried at 374 00:18:09.440 --> 00:18:12.279 first to welcome some fragment of normalcy, but every gesture 375 00:18:12.279 --> 00:18:14.759 felt like a rehearsal, something performed for my benefit, rather 376 00:18:14.799 --> 00:18:17.680 than sherried between equals. There were nights when she would 377 00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:19.799 slide onto the couch beside me while I watched TV 378 00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:22.599 and cul her toes against my leg. Her phone would 379 00:18:22.599 --> 00:18:25.359 appear in her hand and she would scrawl, thumb flickering rapidly. 380 00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:28.680 Sometimes I heard the faint ping of a message, sometimes 381 00:18:28.720 --> 00:18:31.000 only the quite bows she no longer pretended to ignore. 382 00:18:31.599 --> 00:18:33.400 If I turned to look. She shifted the screen out 383 00:18:33.440 --> 00:18:36.160 of you, I staying fixed on whatever episode flickered past 384 00:18:36.920 --> 00:18:39.240 one evening. Her phone rang a sharp, cheerful jingle that 385 00:18:39.319 --> 00:18:41.079 wasn't the default, and when she saw the screen, she 386 00:18:41.079 --> 00:18:43.799 stood abruptly, muttering back in a second and ducked into 387 00:18:43.799 --> 00:18:46.720 the bedroom, door, closing with a muffle click. I left 388 00:18:46.759 --> 00:18:48.839 the te vy on and let images wash over me 389 00:18:48.920 --> 00:18:52.039 while the clock ticked. She re emerged twenty minutes later, 390 00:18:52.200 --> 00:18:54.680 voice bright and untouched, and asked if I wanted popcorn. 391 00:18:55.240 --> 00:18:58.200 I said no. I think she heard something in my tone. 392 00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:01.920 Her smile slid away. Later, when she drifted up to 393 00:19:01.960 --> 00:19:04.519 meet some coworkers at the new cocktail place, closed change, 394 00:19:04.680 --> 00:19:07.319 lips glossed, scuffed, tied loosely around her neck, I watched 395 00:19:07.359 --> 00:19:09.319 her from the window. She walked toward a waiting car. 396 00:19:09.920 --> 00:19:13.000 Her stride was light, almost eager. She hadn't bothered to 397 00:19:13.000 --> 00:19:15.599 ask if I wanted to come. I stood there, hand 398 00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:18.160 pressed against the cold glass until a solouette vanished into 399 00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:20.000 the night, and tried to recall a time when she 400 00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:23.039 would have insisted we walked together, arm in arm, on 401 00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:25.680