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<v Speaker 1>The Third Missus Tankery from Mister Punch's Dramatic Sequels by St.

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<v Speaker 1>John Hanken. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings

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<v Speaker 1>are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer,

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<v Speaker 1>please visit LibriVox dot org. The second Missus Tankery. After

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<v Speaker 1>the Second Missus Tankery killed herself at the end of

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<v Speaker 1>the play which bears her name, it might be supposed

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<v Speaker 1>that her husband would be content with his two successive

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<v Speaker 1>failures in matrimony and not attempt a third. But Aubrey,

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<v Speaker 1>as his second marriage shows, was nothing if not courageous

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<v Speaker 1>in matrimonial affairs, and we have therefore every reason to

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<v Speaker 1>believe that he did marry again, while we have small

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<v Speaker 1>ground for hoping that he chose his third wife with

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<v Speaker 1>any greater wisdom than he chose the other two. That

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<v Speaker 1>is the impression conveyed in the following pathetic scene Dramatis

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<v Speaker 1>persone Aubrey Tankerrey read by Capricia Page.

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<v Speaker 2>Kaylee Drummel read by Todd Butler, read by Lambda Footman,

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<v Speaker 2>read by Charlotte Ducats, narrated by Elizabeth Klett. The Third

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<v Speaker 2>Missus Tankeray scene the dining room of Aubrey Tankrey's country house,

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<v Speaker 2>higher Combe, in Surrey. A lean butler is standing at

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<v Speaker 2>the sideboard. Aubrey and Kaylee Drummel enter and go up

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<v Speaker 2>to warm themselves at the fire, which burns feebly. The

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<v Speaker 2>time is an evening in March, five years after the

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<v Speaker 2>events of mister Pinero's play, and Kaylee looks quite five

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<v Speaker 2>years stouter. Aubrey does not.

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<v Speaker 3>It's quite shocking, Aubrey, that you should have been married

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<v Speaker 3>nearly a year, and that I should not yet have

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<v Speaker 3>had the pleasure of making missus Tankreys. I am dying

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<v Speaker 3>to know her.

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<v Speaker 4>My fault, my dear Kayley.

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<v Speaker 3>Entirely, your weddings are always so fertive.

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<v Speaker 1>Pox the fire resolutely in the hope of producing something

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<v Speaker 1>approaching a cheerful blaze.

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<v Speaker 4>Well, you'll see her to night. I hoped she would

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<v Speaker 4>be able to dine at home, but she had promised

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<v Speaker 4>to address a temperance meeting in the village.

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<v Speaker 1>Kaylee looks dubious.

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<v Speaker 4>However, she'll be back at ten. Meanwhile, you'll have to

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<v Speaker 4>be contented with a bachelor dinner.

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<v Speaker 1>They go to the table and sit down. Kayleie unfolding serviette.

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<v Speaker 3>Experience has taught me, my dear Aubrey, that bachelor dinners

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<v Speaker 3>are apt to be particularly well worth eating. No doubt

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<v Speaker 3>it is to make up for the absence of more

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<v Speaker 3>charming society, Aubrey, doubtfully.

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<v Speaker 4>I hope it will prove so in this case, I

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<v Speaker 4>am sure of it.

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<v Speaker 3>I remember your cook of old.

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<v Speaker 4>I'm afraid it won't be that cook, Kayley, in horror, you.

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<v Speaker 3>Haven't parted with him.

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<v Speaker 4>Yes, he left soon after my marriage. There was some

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<v Speaker 4>small error in his accounts which Missus Tanquery discovered, so

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<v Speaker 4>of course he had to be dismissed.

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<v Speaker 1>Cayley eagerly.

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<v Speaker 3>Do you happen to have his address?

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<v Speaker 4>I dare say, Missus Tankery has if you wish to

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<v Speaker 4>know it.

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<v Speaker 1>Footman hands soup.

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<v Speaker 3>I shall be eternally indebted to her. Why I shall

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<v Speaker 3>engage him at.

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<v Speaker 1>Once begins to eat his soup, frowns, and then puts

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<v Speaker 1>down his spoon.

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<v Speaker 3>But I'm afraid you'll want him back yourself.

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<v Speaker 4>No, my wife is most particular about the character of

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<v Speaker 4>her servants.

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<v Speaker 3>Ah, I'm more particular about the character of my soup.

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<v Speaker 1>His hand goes out instinctively towards his sherry glass as

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<v Speaker 1>he is about to raise it. He sees that it

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<v Speaker 1>is empty and refrains.

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<v Speaker 4>Cayley, you ought to marry, then you'd realize there are

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<v Speaker 4>more important things in the world and soap.

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<v Speaker 3>Of course there are, my dear fellow, there's the fish.

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<v Speaker 3>As a joint.

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<v Speaker 1>Fish of an unattractive kind is handed to him, he

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<v Speaker 1>takes some cyber right. Kayley looks at his fish dubiously,

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<v Speaker 1>then leaves it untasted.

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<v Speaker 3>You are quite wrong. A simple cut of beef or

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<v Speaker 3>mutton well cooked is quite enough for me.

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<v Speaker 1>Butler to Kaylee, lemonade, sir, er what?

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<v Speaker 3>No, thank you?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh Kaylee? What will you drink? Kayley's face brightens visibly.

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<v Speaker 4>I'm afraid I can't offer you any wine.

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<v Speaker 1>It falls again.

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<v Speaker 4>My wife never allows alcohol at your table. But there

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<v Speaker 4>are various sorts of mineral waters you don't mind, Kayley grimly.

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<v Speaker 3>Not at all, my dear fellow, not at all. Which

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<v Speaker 3>brand of mineral water do you consider most?

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<v Speaker 1>Uh stimulating Aubrey laughing mirthlessly.

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<v Speaker 4>I'm I'm afraid, Kaylee, you're not a convert to temperance principles.

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<v Speaker 4>Yet that shows you have never heard my wife speak.

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<v Speaker 5>Kaylee emphatically, never temperance meetings are not in my line.

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<v Speaker 1>Footman removes his plate.

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<v Speaker 4>Perhaps some of the other movements in which she is

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<v Speaker 4>interested would appeal to you more.

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<v Speaker 1>With a touch of happy pride.

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<v Speaker 4>As you may know, my wife is a vice president

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<v Speaker 4>of the Anti Vaccination Society and of the Women's Home

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<v Speaker 4>Rule Union. Indeed, she is in great request on all

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<v Speaker 4>public platforms.

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<v Speaker 1>Kayley, with simulated enthusiasm.

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<v Speaker 3>I feel sure of that, my dear. Aubrey.

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<v Speaker 1>Footman hands Kaylee some rice pudding. Kayley puts up his

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<v Speaker 1>eyeglass and eyes it curiously.

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<v Speaker 3>What is this rice pudding? Sir?

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<v Speaker 1>Kaylee drops spoon hastily. Aubrey politely, you're eating nothing, Kaylee, Kaylee,

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<v Speaker 1>with some concern.

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<v Speaker 3>Aubrey, have I slept through the joint? I have no

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<v Speaker 3>recollection of eating it. If in a moment of abstraction

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<v Speaker 3>I refused it, may I change my mind?

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<v Speaker 1>Aubrey sternly.

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<v Speaker 4>My wife never has meat on her table on Fridays.

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<v Speaker 5>Kayley peevishly, my dear fellow, I wish you'd thought of

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<v Speaker 5>mentioning it before I came down.

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<v Speaker 3>Then I might have had a more substantial luncheon. Where's

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<v Speaker 3>that rice pudding?

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<v Speaker 1>Helps himself? There is rather a constrained silence.

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<v Speaker 4>It's really very good of you to have come down

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<v Speaker 4>to see us.

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<v Speaker 1>Kayley, Kayley pulling himself together.

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<v Speaker 3>Very good of you to say so. My dear Chap.

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<v Speaker 1>Tackles his rice pudding manfully.

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<v Speaker 4>My wife and I can so seldom get any man

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<v Speaker 4>to drop in to dinner.

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<v Speaker 1>Nowadays, Kayley giving up his struggle with rice pudding in despair.

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<v Speaker 3>I suppose so.

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<v Speaker 4>In fact, we see very little society.

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<v Speaker 1>Now, Kayley, sententious.

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<v Speaker 3>Society only likes people who feed it. My dear Aubrey,

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<v Speaker 3>you ought to have kept that.

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<v Speaker 1>Cook, Aubrey meditatively.

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<v Speaker 3>So my daughter says, Elaine. Is she with you now?

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<v Speaker 4>No, she is in Ireland. After making that remark, she

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<v Speaker 4>went back to her convent.

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<v Speaker 1>Kayley, heartily, sensible girl.

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<v Speaker 3>I like Elaine.

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<v Speaker 4>No, she and my wife did not get on somehow.

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<v Speaker 4>It was very unfortunate, as it was mainly on Elaine's

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<v Speaker 4>account that I thought it right to marry.

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<v Speaker 1>Again, Kayley with polite incredulity.

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<v Speaker 4>Indeed, yes, you see, it is so difficult for a

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<v Speaker 4>girl of Elaine's retiring disposition to meet people and make

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<v Speaker 4>friends when she has no mother to chaperone her, and

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<v Speaker 4>if she meets no one, how can she get married?

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<v Speaker 1>Dessert, Kayley, Kayley, after surveying a rather unattractive assortment of

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<v Speaker 1>apples and walnuts.

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<v Speaker 6>No thanks, as you were saying, So, I thought if

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<v Speaker 6>I could meet with a really suitable person, someone with

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<v Speaker 6>whom she would be in sympathy, someone she would look

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<v Speaker 6>upon as a sort of second mother.

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<v Speaker 1>Kayley, correcting him. Third Aubrey, Aubrey, ignoring the interruption.

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<v Speaker 4>It would make home more comfortable for her.

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<v Speaker 1>Kayley laughing.

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<v Speaker 3>I like your idea of comfort, Aubrey, but I should

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<v Speaker 3>have thought you could have adopted some less extreme measures

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<v Speaker 3>for providing Elaine with a chaperone. You have neighbors, Missus Cordaion,

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<v Speaker 3>for instance.

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<v Speaker 4>Aubrey stiffly, Missus Cordulion's chaperone was not very successful on

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<v Speaker 4>the last occasion.

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<v Speaker 3>No, No, to be sure, young Ardale, I was forgetting.

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<v Speaker 4>Unhappily, the whole scheme was a failure. Elaine conceived a

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<v Speaker 4>violent aversion from Missus Tankery almost directly we came home,

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<v Speaker 4>and a week later, I remember it was directly after

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<v Speaker 4>dinner she announced her intention of leaving the house forever.

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<v Speaker 1>Kayley. The thought of his dinner still rankling poor girl.

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<v Speaker 3>No doubt she is happier in her convent.

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<v Speaker 1>Butler enters with coffee. Kaylee takes some.

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<v Speaker 4>I am sorry, I can't ask you to smoke, Kayley.

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<v Speaker 4>But my wife has a particular objection to tobacco. She

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<v Speaker 4>is a member of the Anti Tobacco League and often

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<v Speaker 4>speaks at its meetings.

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<v Speaker 1>Kaylee annoyed.

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<v Speaker 3>Really, my dear fellow, if I may neither eat, drink

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<v Speaker 3>nor smoke, I don't quite see why you asked me down.

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<v Speaker 1>Aubrey penitently, I suppose I ought to have thought of that.

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<v Speaker 4>The fact is I have got so used to these

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<v Speaker 4>little deprivations that now I hardly notice them. Of course

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<v Speaker 4>it's different for you.

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<v Speaker 3>I should think.

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<v Speaker 1>It was Aubrey relenting.

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<v Speaker 4>If you very much want to smoke, I daresay it

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<v Speaker 4>might be managed. If we have this window wider open

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<v Speaker 4>and you sit by it, a cigarette might not be noticed.

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<v Speaker 1>Kayley shortly, thanks, takes out cigarette and lights it as

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<v Speaker 1>soon as Aubrey has made the elaborate arrangements indicated above.

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<v Speaker 1>Aubrey politely, I hope you won't find it cold, Kayley grimly.

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<v Speaker 3>England in March is always.

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<v Speaker 1>Cold, sneezes violently.

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<v Speaker 3>But perhaps if you ring for my overcoat, I may

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<v Speaker 3>manage to survive the evening.

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<v Speaker 4>Certainly, what is it like?

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<v Speaker 3>I've no idea. It's an ordinary sort of coat. Your

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<v Speaker 3>man will know it if you ring for him.

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<v Speaker 4>Aubrey hesitating, I'd rather fetch it for you myself, if

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<v Speaker 4>you don't mind. I should not like Pucks to see

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<v Speaker 4>that you were smoking. It would set such a bad example.

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<v Speaker 1>Kaylee, throwing his cigarette on to the lawn in a

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<v Speaker 1>rage and closing the window with a shiver.

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<v Speaker 3>Don't trouble, I'll smoke in the train. By the way,

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<v Speaker 3>What time is my train?

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<v Speaker 4>Your train?

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<v Speaker 3>Yes, I must get back to town, my dear fellow.

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<v Speaker 4>Nonsense. You said it'd stay a.

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<v Speaker 3>Week, did I? Then? I didn't know what I was saying.

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<v Speaker 3>I must get back tonight. But you brought a bag

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<v Speaker 3>only to dress. Aubrey. By the way, will you tell

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<v Speaker 3>your man to pack it?

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<v Speaker 4>You can't go tonight. The last train leaves at nine thirty.

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<v Speaker 1>It's nine fifteen now, Kayley, jumping up.

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<v Speaker 3>Then I must start at once. Send my bag after me.

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<v Speaker 1>You've not a chance of catching it, Kayley, solemnly, my.

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<v Speaker 3>Dear old friend, I shall return to town tonight if

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<v Speaker 3>I have to.

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<v Speaker 1>Walk Aubrey detaining him.

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<v Speaker 4>But my wife, you haven't even made her acquaintance yet.

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<v Speaker 4>She'll think it so strange.

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<v Speaker 3>Not half so strange as I have thought.

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<v Speaker 1>Her dinner shaking himself free.

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<v Speaker 3>No, Aubrey, this is really good bye. I like you

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<v Speaker 3>very much, and it cuts me to the heart to

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<v Speaker 3>have to drop your acquaintance. But nothing in the world

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<v Speaker 3>would induce me to face another dinner such as I have.

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<v Speaker 1>Had to night, Kaylee, Kaylee making for the door.

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<v Speaker 3>And nothing in the world would induce me to be

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<v Speaker 3>introduced to the Third Missus Tanqueray.

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<v Speaker 1>Exit hurriedly, curtain end of the Third Missus Tanqueray