Speaker 1: The Third Missus Tankery from Mister Punch's Dramatic Sequels by St.
Speaker 1: John Hanken. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings
Speaker 1: are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer,
Speaker 1: please visit LibriVox dot org. The second Missus Tankery. After
Speaker 1: the Second Missus Tankery killed herself at the end of
Speaker 1: the play which bears her name, it might be supposed
Speaker 1: that her husband would be content with his two successive
Speaker 1: failures in matrimony and not attempt a third. But Aubrey,
Speaker 1: as his second marriage shows, was nothing if not courageous
Speaker 1: in matrimonial affairs, and we have therefore every reason to
Speaker 1: believe that he did marry again, while we have small
Speaker 1: ground for hoping that he chose his third wife with
Speaker 1: any greater wisdom than he chose the other two. That
Speaker 1: is the impression conveyed in the following pathetic scene Dramatis
Speaker 1: persone Aubrey Tankerrey read by Capricia Page.
Speaker 2: Kaylee Drummel read by Todd Butler, read by Lambda Footman,
Speaker 2: read by Charlotte Ducats, narrated by Elizabeth Klett. The Third
Speaker 2: Missus Tankeray scene the dining room of Aubrey Tankrey's country house,
Speaker 2: higher Combe, in Surrey. A lean butler is standing at
Speaker 2: the sideboard. Aubrey and Kaylee Drummel enter and go up
Speaker 2: to warm themselves at the fire, which burns feebly. The
Speaker 2: time is an evening in March, five years after the
Speaker 2: events of mister Pinero's play, and Kaylee looks quite five
Speaker 2: years stouter. Aubrey does not.
Speaker 3: It's quite shocking, Aubrey, that you should have been married
Speaker 3: nearly a year, and that I should not yet have
Speaker 3: had the pleasure of making missus Tankreys. I am dying
Speaker 3: to know her.
Speaker 4: My fault, my dear Kayley.
Speaker 3: Entirely, your weddings are always so fertive.
Speaker 1: Pox the fire resolutely in the hope of producing something
Speaker 1: approaching a cheerful blaze.
Speaker 4: Well, you'll see her to night. I hoped she would
Speaker 4: be able to dine at home, but she had promised
Speaker 4: to address a temperance meeting in the village.
Speaker 1: Kaylee looks dubious.
Speaker 4: However, she'll be back at ten. Meanwhile, you'll have to
Speaker 4: be contented with a bachelor dinner.
Speaker 1: They go to the table and sit down. Kayleie unfolding serviette.
Speaker 3: Experience has taught me, my dear Aubrey, that bachelor dinners
Speaker 3: are apt to be particularly well worth eating. No doubt
Speaker 3: it is to make up for the absence of more
Speaker 3: charming society, Aubrey, doubtfully.
Speaker 4: I hope it will prove so in this case, I
Speaker 4: am sure of it.
Speaker 3: I remember your cook of old.
Speaker 4: I'm afraid it won't be that cook, Kayley, in horror, you.
Speaker 3: Haven't parted with him.
Speaker 4: Yes, he left soon after my marriage. There was some
Speaker 4: small error in his accounts which Missus Tanquery discovered, so
Speaker 4: of course he had to be dismissed.
Speaker 1: Cayley eagerly.
Speaker 3: Do you happen to have his address?
Speaker 4: I dare say, Missus Tankery has if you wish to
Speaker 4: know it.
Speaker 1: Footman hands soup.
Speaker 3: I shall be eternally indebted to her. Why I shall
Speaker 3: engage him at.
Speaker 1: Once begins to eat his soup, frowns, and then puts
Speaker 1: down his spoon.
Speaker 3: But I'm afraid you'll want him back yourself.
Speaker 4: No, my wife is most particular about the character of
Speaker 4: her servants.
Speaker 3: Ah, I'm more particular about the character of my soup.
Speaker 1: His hand goes out instinctively towards his sherry glass as
Speaker 1: he is about to raise it. He sees that it
Speaker 1: is empty and refrains.
Speaker 4: Cayley, you ought to marry, then you'd realize there are
Speaker 4: more important things in the world and soap.
Speaker 3: Of course there are, my dear fellow, there's the fish.
Speaker 3: As a joint.
Speaker 1: Fish of an unattractive kind is handed to him, he
Speaker 1: takes some cyber right. Kayley looks at his fish dubiously,
Speaker 1: then leaves it untasted.
Speaker 3: You are quite wrong. A simple cut of beef or
Speaker 3: mutton well cooked is quite enough for me.
Speaker 1: Butler to Kaylee, lemonade, sir, er what?
Speaker 3: No, thank you?
Speaker 1: Oh Kaylee? What will you drink? Kayley's face brightens visibly.
Speaker 4: I'm afraid I can't offer you any wine.
Speaker 1: It falls again.
Speaker 4: My wife never allows alcohol at your table. But there
Speaker 4: are various sorts of mineral waters you don't mind, Kayley grimly.
Speaker 3: Not at all, my dear fellow, not at all. Which
Speaker 3: brand of mineral water do you consider most?
Speaker 1: Uh stimulating Aubrey laughing mirthlessly.
Speaker 4: I'm I'm afraid, Kaylee, you're not a convert to temperance principles.
Speaker 4: Yet that shows you have never heard my wife speak.
Speaker 5: Kaylee emphatically, never temperance meetings are not in my line.
Speaker 1: Footman removes his plate.
Speaker 4: Perhaps some of the other movements in which she is
Speaker 4: interested would appeal to you more.
Speaker 1: With a touch of happy pride.
Speaker 4: As you may know, my wife is a vice president
Speaker 4: of the Anti Vaccination Society and of the Women's Home
Speaker 4: Rule Union. Indeed, she is in great request on all
Speaker 4: public platforms.
Speaker 1: Kayley, with simulated enthusiasm.
Speaker 3: I feel sure of that, my dear. Aubrey.
Speaker 1: Footman hands Kaylee some rice pudding. Kayley puts up his
Speaker 1: eyeglass and eyes it curiously.
Speaker 3: What is this rice pudding? Sir?
Speaker 1: Kaylee drops spoon hastily. Aubrey politely, you're eating nothing, Kaylee, Kaylee,
Speaker 1: with some concern.
Speaker 3: Aubrey, have I slept through the joint? I have no
Speaker 3: recollection of eating it. If in a moment of abstraction
Speaker 3: I refused it, may I change my mind?
Speaker 1: Aubrey sternly.
Speaker 4: My wife never has meat on her table on Fridays.
Speaker 5: Kayley peevishly, my dear fellow, I wish you'd thought of
Speaker 5: mentioning it before I came down.
Speaker 3: Then I might have had a more substantial luncheon. Where's
Speaker 3: that rice pudding?
Speaker 1: Helps himself? There is rather a constrained silence.
Speaker 4: It's really very good of you to have come down
Speaker 4: to see us.
Speaker 1: Kayley, Kayley pulling himself together.
Speaker 3: Very good of you to say so. My dear Chap.
Speaker 1: Tackles his rice pudding manfully.
Speaker 4: My wife and I can so seldom get any man
Speaker 4: to drop in to dinner.
Speaker 1: Nowadays, Kayley giving up his struggle with rice pudding in despair.
Speaker 3: I suppose so.
Speaker 4: In fact, we see very little society.
Speaker 1: Now, Kayley, sententious.
Speaker 3: Society only likes people who feed it. My dear Aubrey,
Speaker 3: you ought to have kept that.
Speaker 1: Cook, Aubrey meditatively.
Speaker 3: So my daughter says, Elaine. Is she with you now?
Speaker 4: No, she is in Ireland. After making that remark, she
Speaker 4: went back to her convent.
Speaker 1: Kayley, heartily, sensible girl.
Speaker 3: I like Elaine.
Speaker 4: No, she and my wife did not get on somehow.
Speaker 4: It was very unfortunate, as it was mainly on Elaine's
Speaker 4: account that I thought it right to marry.
Speaker 1: Again, Kayley with polite incredulity.
Speaker 4: Indeed, yes, you see, it is so difficult for a
Speaker 4: girl of Elaine's retiring disposition to meet people and make
Speaker 4: friends when she has no mother to chaperone her, and
Speaker 4: if she meets no one, how can she get married?
Speaker 1: Dessert, Kayley, Kayley, after surveying a rather unattractive assortment of
Speaker 1: apples and walnuts.
Speaker 6: No thanks, as you were saying, So, I thought if
Speaker 6: I could meet with a really suitable person, someone with
Speaker 6: whom she would be in sympathy, someone she would look
Speaker 6: upon as a sort of second mother.
Speaker 1: Kayley, correcting him. Third Aubrey, Aubrey, ignoring the interruption.
Speaker 4: It would make home more comfortable for her.
Speaker 1: Kayley laughing.
Speaker 3: I like your idea of comfort, Aubrey, but I should
Speaker 3: have thought you could have adopted some less extreme measures
Speaker 3: for providing Elaine with a chaperone. You have neighbors, Missus Cordaion,
Speaker 3: for instance.
Speaker 4: Aubrey stiffly, Missus Cordulion's chaperone was not very successful on
Speaker 4: the last occasion.
Speaker 3: No, No, to be sure, young Ardale, I was forgetting.
Speaker 4: Unhappily, the whole scheme was a failure. Elaine conceived a
Speaker 4: violent aversion from Missus Tankery almost directly we came home,
Speaker 4: and a week later, I remember it was directly after
Speaker 4: dinner she announced her intention of leaving the house forever.
Speaker 1: Kayley. The thought of his dinner still rankling poor girl.
Speaker 3: No doubt she is happier in her convent.
Speaker 1: Butler enters with coffee. Kaylee takes some.
Speaker 4: I am sorry, I can't ask you to smoke, Kayley.
Speaker 4: But my wife has a particular objection to tobacco. She
Speaker 4: is a member of the Anti Tobacco League and often
Speaker 4: speaks at its meetings.
Speaker 1: Kaylee annoyed.
Speaker 3: Really, my dear fellow, if I may neither eat, drink
Speaker 3: nor smoke, I don't quite see why you asked me down.
Speaker 1: Aubrey penitently, I suppose I ought to have thought of that.
Speaker 4: The fact is I have got so used to these
Speaker 4: little deprivations that now I hardly notice them. Of course
Speaker 4: it's different for you.
Speaker 3: I should think.
Speaker 1: It was Aubrey relenting.
Speaker 4: If you very much want to smoke, I daresay it
Speaker 4: might be managed. If we have this window wider open
Speaker 4: and you sit by it, a cigarette might not be noticed.
Speaker 1: Kayley shortly, thanks, takes out cigarette and lights it as
Speaker 1: soon as Aubrey has made the elaborate arrangements indicated above.
Speaker 1: Aubrey politely, I hope you won't find it cold, Kayley grimly.
Speaker 3: England in March is always.
Speaker 1: Cold, sneezes violently.
Speaker 3: But perhaps if you ring for my overcoat, I may
Speaker 3: manage to survive the evening.
Speaker 4: Certainly, what is it like?
Speaker 3: I've no idea. It's an ordinary sort of coat. Your
Speaker 3: man will know it if you ring for him.
Speaker 4: Aubrey hesitating, I'd rather fetch it for you myself, if
Speaker 4: you don't mind. I should not like Pucks to see
Speaker 4: that you were smoking. It would set such a bad example.
Speaker 1: Kaylee, throwing his cigarette on to the lawn in a
Speaker 1: rage and closing the window with a shiver.
Speaker 3: Don't trouble, I'll smoke in the train. By the way,
Speaker 3: What time is my train?
Speaker 4: Your train?
Speaker 3: Yes, I must get back to town, my dear fellow.
Speaker 4: Nonsense. You said it'd stay a.
Speaker 3: Week, did I? Then? I didn't know what I was saying.
Speaker 3: I must get back tonight. But you brought a bag
Speaker 3: only to dress. Aubrey. By the way, will you tell
Speaker 3: your man to pack it?
Speaker 4: You can't go tonight. The last train leaves at nine thirty.
Speaker 1: It's nine fifteen now, Kayley, jumping up.
Speaker 3: Then I must start at once. Send my bag after me.
Speaker 1: You've not a chance of catching it, Kayley, solemnly, my.
Speaker 3: Dear old friend, I shall return to town tonight if
Speaker 3: I have to.
Speaker 1: Walk Aubrey detaining him.
Speaker 4: But my wife, you haven't even made her acquaintance yet.
Speaker 4: She'll think it so strange.
Speaker 3: Not half so strange as I have thought.
Speaker 1: Her dinner shaking himself free.
Speaker 3: No, Aubrey, this is really good bye. I like you
Speaker 3: very much, and it cuts me to the heart to
Speaker 3: have to drop your acquaintance. But nothing in the world
Speaker 3: would induce me to face another dinner such as I have.
Speaker 1: Had to night, Kaylee, Kaylee making for the door.
Speaker 3: And nothing in the world would induce me to be
Speaker 3: introduced to the Third Missus Tanqueray.
Speaker 1: Exit hurriedly, curtain end of the Third Missus Tanqueray