WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.600 --> 00:00:02.879 I want to say too, that our nation is yearning 2 00:00:03.279 --> 00:00:07.440 for love and community, that people want to know how 3 00:00:07.480 --> 00:00:10.800 we can live deeper and more meaningful lives. We have 4 00:00:10.880 --> 00:00:15.080 been looking for those spiritual teachers in our life today 5 00:00:15.560 --> 00:00:18.399 who can help us return to love and community. And 6 00:00:18.480 --> 00:00:21.120 part of what is interesting about us as a country 7 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:24.120 is that the vast majority of people in this country 8 00:00:24.120 --> 00:00:27.079 still say they're Christians. We know one of the heartbeats 9 00:00:27.079 --> 00:00:30.160 of Christianity is the idea that God is love, that 10 00:00:30.239 --> 00:00:33.640 we are realized more fully as spiritual beings through love. 11 00:00:33.880 --> 00:00:36.799 So the question becomes, if we think this, if this 12 00:00:36.920 --> 00:00:39.159 is at the core of our beliefs, why are we 13 00:00:39.240 --> 00:00:41.439 not living it out in our actions? And that's the 14 00:00:41.560 --> 00:00:45.840 kind of political and spiritual question, because I feel like 15 00:00:45.920 --> 00:00:48.320 we have to attend to the needs of the spirit. 16 00:00:48.719 --> 00:00:51.880 Welcome Bell hooks to the word on words. This book 17 00:00:51.920 --> 00:00:55.320 is called All about Love, New Visions. It's yours. I 18 00:00:55.439 --> 00:00:59.079 count eighteenth book. That is a high achievement to be 19 00:00:59.159 --> 00:01:02.159 an author with the eighteen books, and this one about 20 00:01:02.280 --> 00:01:07.239 Love approaches the subject from fascinating perspective. You say at 21 00:01:07.680 --> 00:01:12.599 the outset, maybe in the preface or the introduction, you 22 00:01:12.680 --> 00:01:16.359 say that as a small child, you knew love and 23 00:01:16.439 --> 00:01:19.760 then somehow was taken from you. You lost it, and 24 00:01:19.799 --> 00:01:24.719 in trying to rediscover it, you found it was terribly 25 00:01:24.920 --> 00:01:27.519 difficult to do. And that when you would talk to 26 00:01:27.560 --> 00:01:30.519 people later on, and I'm moving ahead now, when you 27 00:01:30.560 --> 00:01:33.840 would talk to people later on about your search for love, 28 00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:37.040 people would say, you know, you really need to see 29 00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:40.319 a therapist. But talk about because you write about it 30 00:01:40.359 --> 00:01:43.879 so eloquently, talk about the need of children for love 31 00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:46.760 if they're going to have it throughout their lives. 32 00:01:46.840 --> 00:01:49.959 Well, I start off this book saying that I felt 33 00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:52.359 as a child what it was like to be loved 34 00:01:52.400 --> 00:01:55.200 and to be recognized, and then I felt that love 35 00:01:55.280 --> 00:01:59.159 move away, particularly talking about my relationship with my father, 36 00:01:59.280 --> 00:02:02.319 which I think that lots of people feel that our 37 00:02:02.359 --> 00:02:05.400 intimate connections with our mothers remain forever. 38 00:02:05.480 --> 00:02:09.240 But many, many adults have talked with me now about 39 00:02:09.280 --> 00:02:13.319 their since as children, that they held their father's regard 40 00:02:13.479 --> 00:02:15.759 in love at a certain moment of time and then 41 00:02:15.879 --> 00:02:18.280 lost them. And I've been amazed at the number of 42 00:02:18.319 --> 00:02:20.159 people that have come up to me after reading the 43 00:02:20.199 --> 00:02:24.120 preface and said to me, that's exactly how I felt 44 00:02:24.199 --> 00:02:27.120 as a child. But I couldn't tell anyone because we're 45 00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:30.879 not allowed to talk about not being loved. In our culture. 46 00:02:30.919 --> 00:02:34.479 We're made to feel that everybody knows love. I talk 47 00:02:34.560 --> 00:02:36.439 in the book about all of these people who'll say, 48 00:02:37.080 --> 00:02:40.199 you know, my dad beaten or mom did this, but 49 00:02:40.479 --> 00:02:44.400 she really loved me. And a key chapter in the 50 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:47.560 book is the chapter on children, where I'm saying that no, 51 00:02:47.800 --> 00:02:51.199 in fact, if we are being abused in any way, 52 00:02:51.680 --> 00:02:56.520 we are not being loved. That love is amphithetical to them. 53 00:02:56.639 --> 00:02:59.840 Ladies and gentlemen. That was the legendary Bell Hooks. Y'all 54 00:02:59.840 --> 00:03:06.919 know what's up, the voice of reason re energized. Shout 55 00:03:06.919 --> 00:03:13.479 out to my big brother, Maurice Williams. 56 00:03:11.680 --> 00:03:12.039 Big mo. 57 00:03:13.879 --> 00:03:16.599 I'm re energized because we were able to give him 58 00:03:16.639 --> 00:03:20.680 the piece he needed. We gave him the homegoing that 59 00:03:20.800 --> 00:03:26.400 he needed. And of course I've been thinking quite deeply 60 00:03:27.000 --> 00:03:31.120 and Bell Hooks was laying out some stuff, man, and 61 00:03:33.039 --> 00:03:37.439 I'm just starting to see it totally different. You know, 62 00:03:37.680 --> 00:03:43.039 in my psychological studies, I'm starting to see it totally different. 63 00:03:43.080 --> 00:03:49.159 We have normalized needing, we have normalized detachment, we have 64 00:03:49.319 --> 00:03:55.560 normalized craving. And even in the framework that she was 65 00:03:55.639 --> 00:03:59.439 laying out you know about childhood and the parent, and 66 00:03:59.479 --> 00:04:02.199 one parent can get away with a certain level of 67 00:04:02.240 --> 00:04:07.039 abuse of even marginalization, minimization can get away with it. 68 00:04:07.199 --> 00:04:10.840 But these are cultural archetypes mom versus you know, father 69 00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:18.319 versus mother. But this topic that I have been working 70 00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:27.079 on the heart of the matter. But so you guys know, 71 00:04:27.120 --> 00:04:30.959 I've been on a tear against need, right. I said, 72 00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:35.319 need is the original sin for me, and we've built 73 00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:47.759 a whole intellectual architecture infrastructure around needing. You know, a 74 00:04:47.800 --> 00:04:51.279 healthy relationship is when two people need each other and 75 00:04:51.319 --> 00:04:54.959 they meet each other's needs, and they love equally, and 76 00:04:55.000 --> 00:04:58.279 they share and they give, and it's back and forth. 77 00:04:58.800 --> 00:04:59.920 What if. 78 00:05:01.480 --> 00:05:08.399 This romanticized view right of intimate relationship can only work 79 00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:12.240 with those who are somehow broken, who find the answer 80 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:17.240 in another Think on this for a second before I 81 00:05:17.279 --> 00:05:22.639 really peel into the topic. Haven't you heard it before, 82 00:05:22.920 --> 00:05:26.000 Like when you start to heal, when you start to 83 00:05:26.079 --> 00:05:34.560 climb that ladder of spiritual elevation. Right when you start 84 00:05:34.560 --> 00:05:38.160 to climb that ladder, you find that you are you 85 00:05:38.279 --> 00:05:41.639 have less in common with those who are not on 86 00:05:41.680 --> 00:05:48.959 the path. Now, for the spiritually evolved, everything is all 87 00:05:49.040 --> 00:05:56.160 one for the spiritually unevolved. This is where loneliness creeps in. 88 00:05:58.279 --> 00:06:01.079 So I have been thinking about this topic and it's 89 00:06:01.120 --> 00:06:03.000 a banger. I want you to think. I want you 90 00:06:03.040 --> 00:06:06.040 to listen and think with me. But the phone lines 91 00:06:06.120 --> 00:06:08.399 are open. The number to die one eight hundred nine 92 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:12.759 twenty fifteen eighty. That's one eight hundred nine twenty fifteen eighty. 93 00:06:13.079 --> 00:06:16.240 This is a non judgmental space. Your thoughts, your ideas, 94 00:06:16.360 --> 00:06:20.879 your concepts, your pushback. You're pouring in whatever you want 95 00:06:20.920 --> 00:06:23.920 to do, it will not be judged here. A lot 96 00:06:23.959 --> 00:06:26.160 of people want me to push back against people who 97 00:06:26.160 --> 00:06:27.639 say things that they disagree with. 98 00:06:27.720 --> 00:06:28.319 I don't do that. 99 00:06:28.920 --> 00:06:32.560 This is a platform for you to voice how you feel. 100 00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:34.480 Tonight's topic the heart. 101 00:06:34.439 --> 00:06:35.079 Of the matter. 102 00:06:35.800 --> 00:06:42.319 You matter while you still matter, But will you still 103 00:06:42.399 --> 00:06:47.800 matter once the matter is settled? Way, hold on, Zoe, 104 00:06:47.800 --> 00:06:51.360 don't do that. You matter while you still matter. In 105 00:06:51.399 --> 00:06:55.439 other words, while you're still catering to my wounds, while 106 00:06:55.439 --> 00:07:00.120 you're still providing for my wounds. This is how when 107 00:07:00.160 --> 00:07:03.800 we interface in love. Somebody has to fit me, Somebody 108 00:07:03.839 --> 00:07:06.399 has to fix me. Somebody has to give me what 109 00:07:06.560 --> 00:07:07.639 I think I don't have. 110 00:07:07.959 --> 00:07:08.680 Let me say it. Again. 111 00:07:08.720 --> 00:07:13.639 You matter while you matter the moment you cut off 112 00:07:13.639 --> 00:07:18.399 the supply chain to the wound. Haven't you been treated 113 00:07:18.480 --> 00:07:23.639 like you never mattered when that happened? When you stop 114 00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:28.519 showing up for the wounds, right, the thing that they 115 00:07:28.600 --> 00:07:35.399 now identify with you don't matter anymore? You matter while 116 00:07:35.839 --> 00:07:40.560 you still matter? But will you still matter once the 117 00:07:40.680 --> 00:07:48.439 matter is settled? You matter while you still matter, while 118 00:07:48.480 --> 00:07:53.680 you're providing, while you're giving right. That's why you matter. 119 00:07:55.360 --> 00:08:01.680 But will you still matter? Means something the matter circumstance 120 00:08:01.959 --> 00:08:10.680 situation is settled. If you mattered because my wounds needed you, 121 00:08:12.560 --> 00:08:18.759 who are you to me after healing cancels your assignment? 122 00:08:20.399 --> 00:08:25.879 What happens when consciousness discovers that the thing around which 123 00:08:26.040 --> 00:08:31.199 it's organized or it has an it has organized an 124 00:08:31.360 --> 00:08:35.559 enormous amount of meaning never possessed the meaning that was. 125 00:08:35.440 --> 00:08:40.679 Initially assigned to it. One fifteen eighty. Get to your 126 00:08:40.679 --> 00:08:41.320 phone lines. 127 00:08:42.240 --> 00:08:45.559 You meant something to me because you made me comfortable. 128 00:08:46.600 --> 00:08:50.279 The moment you make me uncomfortable, you no longer matter. 129 00:08:53.600 --> 00:08:53.879 DC. 130 00:08:56.559 --> 00:09:01.440 Whatded people are asking, zoh I thought you would be 131 00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:09.759 off today. Nah, nah, this work matters. I'm at my 132 00:09:09.879 --> 00:09:15.200 brother's funeral, talking like this as I'm eulogizing him. I'm 133 00:09:15.279 --> 00:09:22.240 talking like this to my family. Do you understand see 134 00:09:22.399 --> 00:09:25.080 the way we set up in America? You matter when 135 00:09:25.080 --> 00:09:31.720 you accumulate, when you achieve right, but does your spirit 136 00:09:31.879 --> 00:09:37.600 matter without the achievement? It tells you we're a blind 137 00:09:37.759 --> 00:09:43.879 society because if you haven't the societal bobbles and trinkets 138 00:09:44.200 --> 00:09:47.960 and accoultrement. If you don't have those things, how do 139 00:09:48.039 --> 00:09:54.159 I know you matter? We are a book cover society. 140 00:09:54.240 --> 00:09:57.919 We're looking at the book cover. We're not turning pages 141 00:09:57.960 --> 00:10:02.120 and trying to understand content that's in the book. Do 142 00:10:02.200 --> 00:10:06.919 you understand that's why this topic is so poignant? The 143 00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:10.879 heart of the matter, you matter while you still matter? 144 00:10:11.720 --> 00:10:15.679 In other words, you have meaning while they're supply because 145 00:10:15.679 --> 00:10:19.559 the supply matters matter material, what you're bringing to me, 146 00:10:19.759 --> 00:10:22.519 what you brought to the table, the material of it, 147 00:10:22.679 --> 00:10:25.480 whether it's psychological, emotional, financial. 148 00:10:25.879 --> 00:10:26.919 Do you see what I'm saying? 149 00:10:27.600 --> 00:10:29.480 Presence? That's the matter? 150 00:10:29.639 --> 00:10:29.919 Right? 151 00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:31.200 You matter? 152 00:10:31.399 --> 00:10:31.679 I E. 153 00:10:31.919 --> 00:10:36.399 Have meaning while you still matter while the supply chain 154 00:10:36.519 --> 00:10:40.879 is happening. But will you still matter have meaning once 155 00:10:40.960 --> 00:10:45.440 the matter situation and circumstance I e. Supply chain as 156 00:10:45.480 --> 00:10:47.440 well is settled. 157 00:10:50.879 --> 00:10:51.919 Tonight's topic. 158 00:10:53.720 --> 00:10:57.000 What if the person you swear you love became lovable 159 00:10:57.039 --> 00:11:04.720 partly because something unresolved inside of you could use them. 160 00:11:04.919 --> 00:11:10.279 That possibility cuts deeper than coincidence, compatibility, attachment style, or 161 00:11:10.279 --> 00:11:15.360 the familiar claim that wounded people choose wounded partners. The 162 00:11:15.480 --> 00:11:20.879 question reaches into the construction of love itself. Perhaps the 163 00:11:20.960 --> 00:11:25.360 abandoned part of you found someone willing to chase. 164 00:11:29.919 --> 00:11:31.240 I'm gonna keep it one hundred percent. 165 00:11:31.320 --> 00:11:35.679 My brother was in a sixteen year toxic relationship with 166 00:11:35.799 --> 00:11:45.200 someone who would chase him. Now, my people, we all 167 00:11:45.320 --> 00:11:52.480 Southern folk from Chatanook, and we all showed a level 168 00:11:52.519 --> 00:11:58.200 of grace and decorum and class. We allowed my brother's 169 00:11:58.240 --> 00:12:04.919 woman to attend. She sat in the front pew, But 170 00:12:05.080 --> 00:12:12.600 their toxicity enabled each other's toxicity sixteen years resulted in 171 00:12:12.639 --> 00:12:19.639 cirrhosis of the liver and many other ailments. You matter 172 00:12:21.039 --> 00:12:24.080 as long as the supply chain that means something to 173 00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:29.759 me is coming. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do 174 00:12:29.799 --> 00:12:35.480 you see I care for you because of what you bring, 175 00:12:35.600 --> 00:12:39.159 what you do, how you show up in the way 176 00:12:39.559 --> 00:12:49.679 my wounds need you. Perhaps the abandoned part of you 177 00:12:49.840 --> 00:12:56.320 found someone willing to chase. The unseen part found an admirer. 178 00:12:57.000 --> 00:13:02.039 The frightened part found a protector. The financially insecure part 179 00:13:02.519 --> 00:13:08.159 found a provider. The self doubting part found someone willing 180 00:13:08.240 --> 00:13:14.559 to believe enough for two people. The emotionally neglected part 181 00:13:14.960 --> 00:13:19.919 found someone with a capacity to absorb pressure you had 182 00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:26.799 never learned to hold with your own spirit and someone 183 00:13:27.360 --> 00:13:34.120 or somewhere inside all of that relief, you said, I 184 00:13:34.200 --> 00:13:37.080 love you. But is that love true? Is that love real? 185 00:13:37.960 --> 00:13:42.840 But I want to know what part right of what 186 00:13:42.919 --> 00:13:44.000 you loved. 187 00:13:45.919 --> 00:13:46.440 Was there? 188 00:13:46.480 --> 00:13:49.399 What was it? I want to know was it their usefulness? 189 00:13:49.440 --> 00:13:52.279 Did you what part of them that you actually loved? 190 00:13:52.679 --> 00:13:56.759 Was it their usefulness to what remained unhealed in you. 191 00:13:59.039 --> 00:14:02.480 A partner can become important because their presence makes self 192 00:14:02.600 --> 00:14:10.519 avoidance less expensive. Their emotional capacity can soften the tension 193 00:14:10.720 --> 00:14:12.679 created by self neglect. 194 00:14:15.039 --> 00:14:16.440 I'm destroying myself. 195 00:14:16.919 --> 00:14:21.960 I'm killing myself, but you're still here pouring into me. 196 00:14:24.679 --> 00:14:26.519 Their reassurance can. 197 00:14:26.600 --> 00:14:35.440 Quiet self unbelief without requiring self belief to develop. Their 198 00:14:35.480 --> 00:14:41.080 money can make fear easier to postpone. Beauty can purchase attention, 199 00:14:41.519 --> 00:14:49.120 Charisma can purchase access. Status can purchase significance. Sex can 200 00:14:49.200 --> 00:14:56.879 purchase reassurance. Patience can purchase another day before something buried 201 00:14:57.600 --> 00:15:05.399 must finally be confronted. Every currency need not involve cash. 202 00:15:05.960 --> 00:15:10.200 Sometimes one person's finance was Sometimes one person finances the 203 00:15:10.240 --> 00:15:18.080 lifestyle while the other finances the wound. This does not 204 00:15:18.200 --> 00:15:29.120 make human exchange corrupt. Love has always existed alongside need, interdependence, labor, protection, kinship, sexuality, resources, sacrifice, 205 00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:29.960 and survival. 206 00:15:31.320 --> 00:15:32.919 When I come forward. 207 00:15:34.120 --> 00:15:38.000 The voice of reason, boy, I'm gonna keep this fire lit. 208 00:15:38.080 --> 00:15:39.279 Your stay tuned. 209 00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:44.320 Doctor Tamabryan is a renowned psychologist, author, professor, and minister 210 00:15:44.480 --> 00:15:48.559 who blends spirituality and social justice to help readers find healing. 211 00:15:48.879 --> 00:15:52.559 You're holding on to crumbs can keep you from the 212 00:15:52.600 --> 00:15:53.519 feast you deserve. 213 00:15:53.840 --> 00:15:57.000 She is dedicated to helping people build healthy relationships. 214 00:15:57.120 --> 00:15:58.759 Perfectionism can be a form of. 215 00:15:58.759 --> 00:16:02.720 Control from trauma and overcome life's challenges. 216 00:16:02.840 --> 00:16:06.519 I do the right combination of things, I'll finally be chosen. 217 00:16:06.919 --> 00:16:09.639 Join us as we dive into her new book, Matters 218 00:16:09.679 --> 00:16:10.600 of the Heart. 219 00:16:11.519 --> 00:16:13.320 Welcome, Thank you so much. 220 00:16:13.440 --> 00:16:14.559 It's good to be here. 221 00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:20.360 So, Doctor Bryant, you're a psychologist, author, professor, minister, Can 222 00:16:20.399 --> 00:16:24.159 you share a bit about your personal journey that led 223 00:16:24.200 --> 00:16:25.440 to the writing of this book. 224 00:16:25.799 --> 00:16:31.679 Certainly so relationships are a central point that people often 225 00:16:31.720 --> 00:16:35.840 have questions about and issues about. I dedicate the book 226 00:16:35.879 --> 00:16:39.960 to my mom, Reverend Cecilia Bryant, and last September she 227 00:16:40.399 --> 00:16:45.200 died of breast cancer, and thank you so much and 228 00:16:45.240 --> 00:16:48.279 for me, it's true that the grief is a reflection 229 00:16:48.480 --> 00:16:52.919 of like this great deep love, and she loved fiercely, 230 00:16:53.720 --> 00:16:56.399 to the point where one of my friends, when she 231 00:16:56.519 --> 00:16:59.480 met my mother said, I wonder who I would be 232 00:16:59.519 --> 00:17:00.559 if I had your mother. 233 00:17:00.960 --> 00:17:01.200 Wow. 234 00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:05.519 And so I know what a gift like a nurturing 235 00:17:05.640 --> 00:17:09.039 relationship can be. And so trying to help people to 236 00:17:09.079 --> 00:17:14.200 build that with themselves and with others, family, friends, romantic partners. 237 00:17:14.680 --> 00:17:17.680 It's a protective factor in terms of our mental health. 238 00:17:18.279 --> 00:17:24.599 Can help dealing with depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction. All of 239 00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:28.119 the challenges are easier to face when we're not facing 240 00:17:28.160 --> 00:17:28.680 them alone. 241 00:17:28.759 --> 00:17:32.160 To that point, you emphasize the importance of healing trauma 242 00:17:32.440 --> 00:17:35.640 as the foundation for creating solid. 243 00:17:35.279 --> 00:17:37.359 Relationships, healthy relationships. 244 00:17:37.799 --> 00:17:39.039 Why is this so crucial? 245 00:17:39.119 --> 00:17:42.599 There are traumas that are like medical or natural disasters, 246 00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:45.920 But when we have been harmed by another person. It 247 00:17:46.039 --> 00:17:50.279 causes us, understandably to have those walls up to be 248 00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:55.160 defended against future harm, to have difficulty trusting, trusting the 249 00:17:55.240 --> 00:17:59.480 other person, but also trusting ourselves. So it's so important 250 00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:04.160 that we your mind, body, heart, spirit, nervous system because 251 00:18:04.279 --> 00:18:09.319 it affects our ability to be seen. Instead of constantly running, 252 00:18:09.440 --> 00:18:10.680 sometimes we are chasing. 253 00:18:10.960 --> 00:18:19.240 Please say her name again, brother, doctor Tama Bryant cooking 254 00:18:19.400 --> 00:18:24.640 with the rarest grease. I love her work, I love 255 00:18:24.720 --> 00:18:34.480 her information, but I'm here to push it further. Connection 256 00:18:34.680 --> 00:18:39.599 is not supposed to last forever. Connection implies this connection. 257 00:18:41.680 --> 00:18:45.960 Oneness is the goal of relationship. Communion is the goal 258 00:18:46.200 --> 00:18:53.599 of relationship. If the relationship still needs you could take 259 00:18:53.920 --> 00:18:57.559 a developmental psychology class and it'll tell you your life is 260 00:18:57.640 --> 00:19:00.599 better as you get older if you have have a 261 00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:08.240 core group of you know, relationships like family, friends, you know, 262 00:19:08.519 --> 00:19:12.960 co workers. Because the idea is you're never going to 263 00:19:13.000 --> 00:19:16.480 be able to get rid of need. That's the idea, 264 00:19:18.000 --> 00:19:20.720 We're always gonna need connection. That's how they teach human 265 00:19:20.799 --> 00:19:27.279 beings are hardwired for connection. And I'm going to challenge that. 266 00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:33.640 I'm not saying that the neuroscience is incorrect. But I 267 00:19:33.799 --> 00:19:40.920 believe ancient traditions have already proved that the real separation 268 00:19:41.160 --> 00:19:46.319 is from God, and that God exists within you, and 269 00:19:46.359 --> 00:19:51.240 that because you haven't been trained to go in and 270 00:19:51.480 --> 00:19:58.359 find source in yourself, you find source in another. And 271 00:19:58.400 --> 00:20:02.880 when you find source in another without locating it within yourself, 272 00:20:03.400 --> 00:20:07.440 you might run into something called codependency. 273 00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:09.119 Do you see. 274 00:20:11.039 --> 00:20:13.599 This person mattered to me because they stood in the 275 00:20:13.640 --> 00:20:17.440 gap for my wound, But them standing in the gap 276 00:20:17.480 --> 00:20:20.799 for your wound, did it prevent you from going on 277 00:20:20.880 --> 00:20:26.000 the healing journey? This is a real question the heart 278 00:20:26.079 --> 00:20:30.160 of the matter. Do you matter because of the matter. 279 00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:30.880 You bring to me? 280 00:20:32.960 --> 00:20:36.680 Ah, here we come, when we come forward, I'm opening 281 00:20:36.759 --> 00:20:38.839 up the phone lines. I want to hear from everybody tonight. 282 00:20:38.839 --> 00:20:40.799 The number to dollar is one eight hundred nine twenty 283 00:20:40.839 --> 00:20:45.799 fifteen eighty. Let's get busy that. 284 00:20:45.720 --> 00:20:51.680 You understand who yourself is, so in order to be 285 00:20:51.839 --> 00:20:56.480 able to reshape about it consistent with your self interest, 286 00:20:57.480 --> 00:21:00.759 you got to know what's your interested me and you 287 00:21:00.839 --> 00:21:03.039 had to know what yourself really is all about. 288 00:21:04.480 --> 00:21:07.240 We are living in en goronment, the delima. 289 00:21:06.880 --> 00:21:13.359 Of somehow understanding of identifying what our soul really is. 290 00:21:13.720 --> 00:21:19.240 Had to become a perplexing question. It used to be 291 00:21:19.279 --> 00:21:20.960 a time that you didn't have. 292 00:21:21.039 --> 00:21:25.720 To convince black people they were black. It has not 293 00:21:26.039 --> 00:21:34.119 become an option people can select to be black. Maybe 294 00:21:34.160 --> 00:21:37.799 I'll be black, maybe. 295 00:21:37.559 --> 00:21:40.920 I'll be Republican, maybe. 296 00:21:40.680 --> 00:21:46.880 I'll be Democrat, maybe I'll be an immigrant, maybe I'll. 297 00:21:46.720 --> 00:21:52.000 Be this or that, because they didn't have a choice. 298 00:21:52.119 --> 00:21:56.680 We were in a reality that forced us to know 299 00:21:57.599 --> 00:22:00.000 you black, when. 300 00:21:59.839 --> 00:22:02.400 You like it or not, you black. 301 00:22:03.960 --> 00:22:08.119 The realities of your rural world you live again, have 302 00:22:08.279 --> 00:22:12.720 defined that for you, So there was no confusion. 303 00:22:13.759 --> 00:22:17.799 People may not have known as Francis Volcity spent all 304 00:22:17.839 --> 00:22:20.960 of her career trying to help people know the forces 305 00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:24.599 that were meeting us, that were creating those problems, that 306 00:22:24.799 --> 00:22:27.599 somehow white supremacy doctrine. 307 00:22:27.240 --> 00:22:29.559 That was making it painful for us to be that. 308 00:22:29.960 --> 00:22:34.039 But we knew we were black on the plantations. 309 00:22:34.319 --> 00:22:37.599 We knew we were black being lich we knew we 310 00:22:37.599 --> 00:22:41.519 were black post slavery. We knew we were black. 311 00:22:42.559 --> 00:22:45.400 And then lo and behold, we got this black man 312 00:22:45.519 --> 00:22:47.920 in the White House, and we certain. 313 00:22:48.079 --> 00:22:53.559 So what am I doing tonight? You hear all my authors? Andy, 314 00:22:54.079 --> 00:22:54.720 who was that? 315 00:22:54.920 --> 00:23:03.880 My friend you are doctor Naim Akbar in here cooking 316 00:23:04.359 --> 00:23:11.640 with the rarest Greece. Yeah, that was palm oil. He 317 00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:17.680 was cooking wet. I love it. Why am I doing 318 00:23:17.720 --> 00:23:21.960 this tonight because I'm talking to folks who are saying 319 00:23:22.000 --> 00:23:27.319 things about my brother and I'm talking about family. Oh 320 00:23:27.400 --> 00:23:31.240 he made choices. He should have he should have did 321 00:23:31.400 --> 00:23:37.759 something different. I had to remind you don't. Trauma is listen. 322 00:23:38.079 --> 00:23:43.559 Trauma is like honey. It'll keep over time. If you 323 00:23:43.720 --> 00:23:50.839 don't deal with that, it'll stay right there. I think 324 00:23:50.960 --> 00:23:56.319 archaeologists found some honey in an Egyptian tomb and it 325 00:23:56.480 --> 00:23:59.000 was still edible to three thousand years old. It can 326 00:23:59.079 --> 00:24:01.079 go in there and get that honey and put it 327 00:24:01.119 --> 00:24:03.519 on some toast and get some butter, and it's three 328 00:24:03.559 --> 00:24:07.359 thousand year old Egyptian honey. Trauma like honey, it's not 329 00:24:07.440 --> 00:24:13.000 gonna spoil. If you don't get in your spirit and 330 00:24:13.160 --> 00:24:15.960 deal with it and sit with it and love on 331 00:24:16.079 --> 00:24:21.880 it and nurture it, you gonna find someone to give 332 00:24:21.920 --> 00:24:23.400 you the false illusion. 333 00:24:25.720 --> 00:24:27.359 I know. I'm sorry to say this. 334 00:24:28.480 --> 00:24:33.160 Right. See, when you think you matter because somebody shows 335 00:24:33.240 --> 00:24:37.039 up to feed your womb, your wound, that's a false 336 00:24:37.079 --> 00:24:40.920 illusion of mattering, because all you gotta do is turn 337 00:24:41.000 --> 00:24:47.400 off the facet. Whatever material they might give you, security, money, presence, 338 00:24:48.359 --> 00:24:51.519 whatever they're giving, whatever they're doing. If they turn off 339 00:24:51.559 --> 00:24:56.519 the fawcet you back to square one. It's anight's topic 340 00:24:56.599 --> 00:25:04.720 the heart of the matter. Sometimes one person finances the 341 00:25:04.799 --> 00:25:11.000 lifestyle while the other finances the wound. This does not 342 00:25:11.160 --> 00:25:23.039 make human exchange corrupt. Love has always existed alongside need, interdependence, labor, protection, kinship, sexuality, resources, sacrifice, 343 00:25:23.119 --> 00:25:28.160 and survival. The danger begins when we cannot tell whether 344 00:25:28.400 --> 00:25:37.839 another person matters because we encounter them nude, deeply psychologically nude, 345 00:25:38.200 --> 00:25:45.160 or because something unfinished within us has calculated their value. 346 00:25:45.240 --> 00:25:47.920 So many people out here playing games with other people's 347 00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:52.599 lives because their wounds have an insatiable appetite. Then the 348 00:25:52.599 --> 00:25:55.200 heart of the matter will change if it's about that. 349 00:25:56.279 --> 00:25:58.960 Do they matter because you love them, or do they 350 00:25:59.160 --> 00:26:05.759 matter because they are in service to your wounds? Or 351 00:26:05.799 --> 00:26:10.079 even deeper, do you only love them for the service 352 00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:15.759 they provide unto your wounds? And if their service to 353 00:26:15.839 --> 00:26:22.200 your wounds help make them lovable to you? What happens 354 00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:27.400 when healing makes their service unnecessary? Does it mean you 355 00:26:27.519 --> 00:26:36.519 use them this whole time. The abandoned part no longer 356 00:26:36.599 --> 00:26:44.680 needs chasing, the frightened part can now withstand uncertainty. The 357 00:26:44.720 --> 00:26:48.920 neglected part finally receives its own attention. I'm here to 358 00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:53.440 tell you self realization. Self actualization is the death of 359 00:26:53.480 --> 00:27:00.519 psychological needing. But because western thought and clinical psychology does 360 00:27:00.599 --> 00:27:07.000 not deal with spirituality, they cannot say when you heal, 361 00:27:07.079 --> 00:27:10.359 and I don't mean when you maintain a wound when 362 00:27:11.519 --> 00:27:14.240 you're the maintenance man for the woman. I'm saying when 363 00:27:14.359 --> 00:27:22.200 you heal, need dies too. When we come forward. If 364 00:27:22.240 --> 00:27:26.079 you think I just got started, you be right here 365 00:27:26.119 --> 00:27:27.200 we go now. 366 00:27:27.200 --> 00:27:31.799 I'm not telling anybody to jump out and act foolish. 367 00:27:32.680 --> 00:27:35.480 I'm not telling anybody to disrespect. 368 00:27:34.759 --> 00:27:37.039 White people, to call them. 369 00:27:37.000 --> 00:27:39.359 Names, because that's fear. 370 00:27:41.039 --> 00:27:41.400 Okay. 371 00:27:41.799 --> 00:27:45.160 What we need to do is to sit back and 372 00:27:45.200 --> 00:27:49.119 say we are afraid to go further, because that is 373 00:27:49.160 --> 00:27:49.640 the truth. 374 00:27:51.480 --> 00:27:55.839 And as long as there is fear, you will not 375 00:27:56.240 --> 00:28:02.200 pull together the behavior that is going to mean a confrontation. 376 00:28:03.640 --> 00:28:06.240 As long as there is fear, there's not even going 377 00:28:06.279 --> 00:28:12.000 to be self respect, because the brain understands that if 378 00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:16.880 you're moving towards self respect, if you're really moving towards 379 00:28:16.960 --> 00:28:23.440 self respect, if you're really moving towards pride, that anybody 380 00:28:23.440 --> 00:28:27.920 who says you can stand up, anybody who says your 381 00:28:27.920 --> 00:28:31.640 little children cannot develop will have to be stopped. 382 00:28:32.920 --> 00:28:40.720 Doctor Francis cris Welson, Come on, doctor Francis chris Well said, 383 00:28:40.960 --> 00:28:46.200 I'm talking to my folk tonight, because I was talking 384 00:28:46.240 --> 00:28:52.559 to my folk last night. I can't judge somebody who 385 00:28:52.680 --> 00:29:00.400 processes differently than you. I had to let my family 386 00:29:00.599 --> 00:29:05.519 no and my two oldest brothers. 387 00:29:06.000 --> 00:29:08.279 You guys heard me talk about them before on this 388 00:29:08.400 --> 00:29:13.279 station several times. Eighteen nineteen months ago, we had that 389 00:29:13.440 --> 00:29:18.720 major fire and both of those guys went mia. We 390 00:29:19.400 --> 00:29:29.519 found them at different times in different conditions. But when 391 00:29:29.519 --> 00:29:33.160 we were children, my mother was twenty seven years old 392 00:29:33.200 --> 00:29:35.799 and had a nervous breakdown and had to go to 393 00:29:35.839 --> 00:29:41.240 the hospital. My brother resented a great many of my 394 00:29:41.400 --> 00:29:46.039 uncles because he felt like and grandmothers and aunts and 395 00:29:46.119 --> 00:29:48.839 everybody on my mother's side, because he felt like y'all 396 00:29:48.880 --> 00:29:53.000 could have came and helped us, but instead, all of 397 00:29:53.000 --> 00:29:59.480 my mother's children, including myself, went into foster care, except 398 00:29:59.480 --> 00:30:03.839 for the two oldest. They went to juvenile Hall. Well 399 00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:09.920 what was the equivalent of juvenile hall. They suffered a 400 00:30:09.920 --> 00:30:21.519 great many atrocities. My brother's father was on heroin. He 401 00:30:21.599 --> 00:30:23.839