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Speaker 1: I was in a flesh eating mood last Sunday, and

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so I and two other cannibals headed for a steakhouse

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in midtown Manhattan. My beloved, the vegetarian, was up in Connecticut,

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so we were free from moral censure. And we found

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a joint on West fifty second Street with tables out

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on the sidewalk, so we sat there. The carnivore section

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of the menu was extensive and the prices were stunning.

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The Japanese steaks cost more than my quarterly tuition at

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the University of Minnesota back in nineteen sixty one. I'm

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often shocked by prices these days. Tutsi romes used to

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be penny candy, and now you pay seventy two dollars

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and ninety nine cents for a box of thirty six

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of them. But I stifle my shock at high prices,

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not wanting to seem out of touch or sound like

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a cheapskate. So I bit my tongue and ordered the

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ten ounce medium rare meat from highly sensitive Japanese cattle

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who are given emotional therapy and massaged daily and fed

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kale and rudlum and mushrooms and are not slaughtered but unesthetized.

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It was a lovely summer evening watching the people passing by.

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This is the beauty of outdoor dining in New York,

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the constant floor show, where individuality is allowed to blossom fully,

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even extravagantly. You can watch harmless, crazy people, tattooed ladies,

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kids who are creating a gender all their own, elderly

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adolescent men. It's a show. My stake arrived and I

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hated it. It was tender to the point of being gelatinous.

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It was rare, not medium rare. It wasn't chewy as

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steaks should be. It was sort of like eating raw liver.

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But when the waiter came by to ask if everything

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was okay, I said, not wanting to be a complainer

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or seem unworthy of this great delicacy, I said, it's wonderful.

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Other Midwesterners have this same problem. Hauled to the gallows

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to be hanged for a crime we didn't commit. Asked

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by the hangman if the noose is too tight, We'd say,

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it's just fine, very comfortable, and if you don't mind,

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please don't offer me a last cigarette. I quit smoking

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years ago. Self advocacy was not taught in the Uenoka,

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Minnesota public schools. Back in my day, we were taught

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to be grateful for what we had. So I paid

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for the dinner a sum of money I associate with

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first class round trip airfare between New York and LA

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and I went home, fell into bed, woke up around

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three a m. Feeling an urgent need for Alca saltzer.

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I took two tablets, which helped, and around six I

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took two more. I felt queasy most of Monday. I

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was okay by Tuesday. A true New Yorker would have

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rejected the stake. He would have raised his voice to

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the restaurant's manager. He might have posted devastating reviews of

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the restaurant using the phrase food poisoning? Did I complain?

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Are you kidding? Who do you think I am? I

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am a Minnesotan, and I take this experience as a

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lesson be who you are, not who you aren't. I

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have rolled into many a drive up window under golden

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arches and ordered a double quarter pounder and a medium

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Vanilla shaykh and was perfectly happy with it. Why ask

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for more? I used to live in a mansion in

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Saint Paul, once owned by a lumber baron. Now my

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Swedian eye live in a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan.

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It suits us, the mansion obligated us to hold big

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parties and me to wander through the crowd being charming.

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But I am a recovering fundamentalist, and charm is a

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language I am not fluent in. On Tuesday, I went

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to le Guardia to fly home to Minnesota, and standing

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outside Terminal Sea, I had an illuminating moment. Back in college,

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I was an ambitious guy, wanted to be a writer,

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a great writer, like A. J. Leebling and P. G.

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Woodhouse and S. J. Perlman. Meanwhile, I put myself through

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school working as a parking lot attendant, handling the six

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a m rush, directing cars to park in double straight lines,

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yelling at the independent minded bending drivers to my imperious

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will to achieve maximum efficiency. And as I watched the

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young guys in yellow vests directing drop offs at Terminal Sea,

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I realized that maybe that was my true vocation. I

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was good at it, I really was. I don't know

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what those people at LaGuardia earn, but my guess is

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that I wouldn't be paying round trip first class airfare

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for a piece of meat. I'd be riding the subway

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out to Rockaway and stop at a burger joint and

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get me a double quarter pounder, and that would be

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just five. A Prairie Home Companion's fiftieth anniversary two CD

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set is packed with music, favorite sketches, and of course,

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the news from Lake Wobegon. The Rollicking celebration was recorded

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live at the Fitzgerald Theater. More info at Garrison Keeler

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dot com