Speaker 1: This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in
Speaker 1: the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please
Speaker 1: visit LibriVox dot org. Miss Civilization by Richard Harding Davis,
Speaker 1: recorded by Betsy.
Speaker 2: Bush, Julian Jamison, and.
Speaker 1: Kristin Hughes on May fifth, two thousand seven, in Chicago, Illinois.
Speaker 1: Miss Civilization a comedy in one act. People in the
Speaker 1: play Alice Gardiner, daughter of James K. Gardiner, president of
Speaker 1: the L I and W Railroad. Uncle Joseph Hatch alias Gentleman,
Speaker 1: Joe Brick Meakin alias Ready the Kid, Harry Hayes alias
Speaker 1: Grand Stan Harry, Captain Lucas, Chief of Police, Policeman Brakeman, engineers.
Speaker 1: Scene the dining room in the Cuntry tree house of
Speaker 1: James K. Gardener on Long Island. In the back wall
Speaker 1: is a double doorway opening into a hall. A curtain
Speaker 1: divided in the middle hangs across the entrance. On the wall.
Speaker 1: On either side of the doorway are two electric lights,
Speaker 1: and to the left is a telephone. Further to the
Speaker 1: left is a side board. On it are set silver salvers, candlesticks,
Speaker 1: and Christmas presents of silver. They still are in the
Speaker 1: red flannel bags in which they arrived. In the left
Speaker 1: wall is a recessed window hung with curtains. Against the
Speaker 1: right wall is a buffet, on which is set a
Speaker 1: tea caddy, toast rack and tea kettle. Below the buffet,
Speaker 1: a door opens into the butler's pantry. A dinner table
Speaker 1: stands well down the stage, with a chair at each
Speaker 1: end and on each side. Two chairs are set against
Speaker 1: the back wall to the right of the door. The
Speaker 1: walls and windows are decorated with holly and mistletoe and
Speaker 1: Christmas wreaths tied with bows of scarlet ribbon. When the
Speaker 1: window is opened, there is a view of falling snow.
Speaker 1: At first, the room is in complete darkness. The time
Speaker 1: is the day after Christmas. Near midnight, after the curtain rises,
Speaker 1: one hears the noise of a file scraping on iron.
Speaker 1: It comes apparently from outside the house, at a point
Speaker 1: distant from the dining room. The filing is repeated cautiously,
Speaker 1: with a weight between each stroke, as though the person
Speaker 1: using the file has paused to listen. Alice Gardener enters
Speaker 1: at center, carrying a lighted candle in a silver candlestick.
Speaker 1: She wears a dressing gown with swans down around the
Speaker 1: throat and at the edges of her sleeves. Her feet
Speaker 1: are in bedroom slippers topped with fur. Her hair hangs
Speaker 1: down in a braid. After listening intently to the sound
Speaker 1: of the file, she places candle on sideboard and goes
Speaker 1: to telephone. She speaks in a whisper.
Speaker 3: Hello, Central, Hello, Central, Wake up? Is that you Central?
Speaker 3: Give me the station agent at Bedford Junction? Quick? What
Speaker 3: I can't speak louder Well, you must hear me. Give
Speaker 3: me the station agent at Bedford Junction. No, there's always
Speaker 3: a man there all night. Hurry, please, hurry.
Speaker 1: There is a pause during which the sound of the
Speaker 1: file grows louder Alice listens apprehensively.
Speaker 3: Hello, are you the station agent? Good? Listen? I am
Speaker 3: miss Gardener, James K. Gardner's daughter. Yes, James K. Gardner,
Speaker 3: the president of the road. This is his house. My
Speaker 3: mother and I are here alone. There are three men
Speaker 3: trying to break in, Yes, burglars. Of course, my mother
Speaker 3: is very ill. If they frighten her, the shock might
Speaker 3: might be very serious. Wake up the crew and send
Speaker 3: the wrecking train here at once. Send the crew of
Speaker 3: the wrecking train here quick. What then fire up an
Speaker 3: engine and get it here as fast as you can.
Speaker 1: Calling from second story, Alice.
Speaker 3: Yes, you have the up Track's clear until fifty two
Speaker 3: comes along. That's not until Alice, Mother, Hello, hold the wire, don't.
Speaker 1: Go away, runs to curtains, parts them and looks up
Speaker 1: as though speaking to someone at the top of stairs.
Speaker 3: Mother, why aren't you in bed?
Speaker 1: Is anything wrong, Alice?
Speaker 3: No, dear, No, I just came down to get a
Speaker 3: book I forgot. Please go back, dearest.
Speaker 1: I heard you moving about. I thought you might be ill.
Speaker 3: No, dearest, but you'll be very ill if you don't
Speaker 3: keep in bed. Please mother, at once.
Speaker 1: It's all right, It's all right, yes, dear, good night,
Speaker 1: good night. Mother returns quickly to telephone.
Speaker 3: Hello, Hello, stop the engine. At the foot of our lawn. Yes, yes,
Speaker 3: at the foot of our lawn. And when you have
Speaker 3: the house surrounded, when the men are all around the house,
Speaker 3: blow three whistles so I'll know you're here. What. Oh,
Speaker 3: that's all right. The burglars will be here. I'll see
Speaker 3: to that. All you have to do is to get here.
Speaker 3: If you don't, you'll lose your job. I say, if
Speaker 3: you don't, you'll lose your job, or I'm not the
Speaker 3: daughter of the president of this road. Now you jump
Speaker 3: and wait, Hello, he's jumped.
Speaker 1: The file is now drawn harshly across the bolt of
Speaker 1: the window of the dining room, and a piece of
Speaker 1: wood snaps. With an exclamation. Alice blows out the candle
Speaker 1: and exits. The shutters of the windows are opened, admitting
Speaker 1: the faint glow of moonlight. The window is raised, and
Speaker 1: the ray of a dark lantern is swept about the room.
Speaker 1: Hatch appears at window and puts one leg inside. He
Speaker 1: has an elderly man wearing a mask which hides the
Speaker 1: upper half of his face, a heavy overcoat and a
Speaker 1: derby hat. But for the mask, he might be mistaken
Speaker 1: for a respectable man of business. A pane of glass
Speaker 1: falls from the windows and breaks on the sill.
Speaker 2: Hush, be careful, can't you.
Speaker 1: He enters. He is followed by grand stand Harry, a
Speaker 1: younger man of sporting appearance. He also wears a mask,
Speaker 1: and the brim of his gray alpine hat is pulled
Speaker 1: over his eyes around his throat. He wears a heavy
Speaker 1: silk muffler.
Speaker 2: It's all right, come on, hurry up and close those shutters.
Speaker 3: Gimme the bag ready.
Speaker 1: Reddy appears at window. He is dressed like a bowery tough.
Speaker 1: His face is blackened with burnt cork. His hair is
Speaker 1: of a brilliant red. He wears an engineer's silk cap
Speaker 1: with visor to Harry. He passes a half filled canvas
Speaker 1: bag on his shoulder. He carries another on entering, he
Speaker 1: slips and falls forward on.
Speaker 2: The confound you hush, you fool. Has he broken anything
Speaker 2: on floor?
Speaker 1: Rubbing his head. I've broke my.
Speaker 2: Head, that's no loss. Has he smashed that silver?
Speaker 3: It feels all right.
Speaker 1: Hatch cautiously parts curtains at center and exits into hall.
Speaker 1: Lifts bag. We got enough stuff in this bag already
Speaker 1: without wasting time on another house.
Speaker 3: Wasting time, time's money in this house. Look at the silver.
Speaker 3: That's the beauty of working the night after Christmas. Everybody's
Speaker 3: presence is lying about loose, and everybody's too tired celebrating
Speaker 3: to keep awake.
Speaker 1: Lifts silver loving cup.
Speaker 3: Look at that cup.
Speaker 1: I'd rather look at a cup of coffee. Ah, you well,
Speaker 1: I can't make a meal out of silver ice pitchers,
Speaker 1: can I I've been through three refrigerators. Tonight, and nothing
Speaker 1: in any of em but bottles of milk. Milk.
Speaker 3: Get up, get up, get to work.
Speaker 1: The folks in this town are the stingiest I ever saw.
Speaker 1: I won't visit em again, no matter how often they
Speaker 1: ask me. Rising and crossing to buffet, I wonder if
Speaker 1: these folks as vegetarians too, hatch enters.
Speaker 2: It seems all right. There's no light and everybody's quiet.
Speaker 2: You work the bedrooms. I'll clear away those things.
Speaker 3: Don't be rough now, I know my business. Gimme the light.
Speaker 1: Takes lantern and exits center.
Speaker 2: Hissed, ready, ready, leave that alone. That's not safe.
Speaker 1: Removes silver from sideboard to bag. I know it ain't guv'nor.
Speaker 1: I'm lookin for something to eat. He kneels in front
Speaker 1: of buffet and opens door.
Speaker 2: No you're not. You're not here to eat. Come and
Speaker 2: give me a hand with this stuff.
Speaker 1: Gee, I've found a bottle of whiskey. Takes bottle from
Speaker 1: buffet and begins to pull at the cork.
Speaker 2: Well, you it right back where you found it.
Speaker 1: I know a better place than that to put it.
Speaker 2: How many times have I told you I'll not let
Speaker 2: you drink in business hours?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: Just once, Governor, it's a cruel cold night. I need
Speaker 1: it for medicine. No, I tell you just one dose.
Speaker 1: Here's to you drinks. Oh lord, he sputters and coughs violently.
Speaker 2: Hush stop that, you fool.
Speaker 1: Oh I'm poisoned. That's benzene. Governor. What do you think
Speaker 1: of that benzene? It's burned me throat out.
Speaker 2: I wish it had burned your tongue out. Can't you
Speaker 2: keep still?
Speaker 1: Oh lord? Oh lord, think of a man putting benzene
Speaker 1: in a whiskey bottle. That's dishonest. That is using a
Speaker 1: revenue stamp twice as defraud in the government. I could
Speaker 1: have him arrested for that if I wanted to, But
Speaker 1: I don't want.
Speaker 2: Oh quit that and come here. Get out the window
Speaker 2: and I'll hand the bag to you. Put it under
Speaker 2: the seat of the wagon and cover it up with
Speaker 2: the lap rope.
Speaker 1: Reddy steps to center door and parting the curtains, leans
Speaker 1: into the hall beyond listening. Go slow. I ain't to
Speaker 1: leave here till Harry is safe on the ground floor again.
Speaker 2: Don't you worry about Harry. He won't get into trouble.
Speaker 1: Sure he won't. It's me and you he'll get into trouble.
Speaker 1: You hadn't ought to send him to do second story work. No, no,
Speaker 1: he's too tender hearted. A second story worker ought to
Speaker 1: use his gun.
Speaker 2: Oh you, you'll fire your gun too often some day.
Speaker 1: No, I won't. I did once, but I didn't do
Speaker 1: it again for six years. But Harry, Ah, he's too
Speaker 1: tender hearted. If Harry was a chicken thief, before he'd
Speaker 1: wring a chicken's neck, he'd give it laughing gas. Why
Speaker 1: you remember the lady that woke up and begged him
Speaker 1: to give her back a gold watch because it belonged
Speaker 1: to her little girl who was dead. Well, it turned
Speaker 1: out the little girl wasn't dead. It turned out the
Speaker 1: little girl was a big boy alive and kicking a
Speaker 1: specially kicking. He kicked me into a rose bush.
Speaker 2: That'll do. Harry's learning his trade. He'll pick it up
Speaker 2: in time.
Speaker 1: About time he picked up something. Remember the Gainesville bank
Speaker 1: where he went away leavin ten thousand dollars in the
Speaker 1: back of the safe. Why didn't he.
Speaker 2: Pick that up because it wasn't there. Bank directors always
Speaker 2: say that to make us feel bad. Hush.
Speaker 1: Harry enters carrying his silk muffler, which now is wrapped
Speaker 1: about a collection of jewels and watches.
Speaker 2: That's quick work. What did you get?
Speaker 3: Some neck strings and rings and two watches?
Speaker 1: He spreads the muffler on the table. The three men
Speaker 1: examined the jewelry.
Speaker 2: That looks good. Who's up there?
Speaker 3: Only an old lady and a young girl in the
Speaker 3: room over this. And she's a beauty too, sleeping there,
Speaker 3: just as sweet and peaceful.
Speaker 1: Ah, why don't you give her back her watch? Maybe
Speaker 1: she's another dead daughter.
Speaker 2: That's all right, Harry, that's good stuff. Pick up that bag. Ready,
Speaker 2: we can go now.
Speaker 1: Harry places muffler and jewels in an inside coat pocket.
Speaker 1: Reddy takes up the dark lantern. Go not till I've
Speaker 1: got something to eat.
Speaker 2: No, you don't. You can wait till later for something
Speaker 2: to eat.
Speaker 1: Yes, I can wait till later for something to eat.
Speaker 1: But I can wait better if I eat now. Exit
Speaker 1: into pantry.
Speaker 2: Confound him. If I knew the roads around here as
Speaker 2: well as he does, I'd drive off and leave him.
Speaker 2: That appetite of his will send us to jail some day.
Speaker 3: Well, to tell the truth, guv'nor, a little supper wouldn't
Speaker 3: hurt my feelings.
Speaker 1: Go to buffet.
Speaker 3: I wonder where old man Gardner keeps his savannahs. I'd
Speaker 3: like a Christmas present of a box of cigars? Are
Speaker 3: there any over here?
Speaker 2: I didn't look. I gave up robbing tills when I
Speaker 2: was quite A boy.
Speaker 1: Carries bag toward window and looks out, takes a box
Speaker 1: of cigars from buffet.
Speaker 3: Ah. Here they are domestics. What do you think of
Speaker 3: that made in Vermont? The Admiral Dewey cigar? Gee? What
Speaker 3: was the use of Dewey's taken Manila? If I've got
Speaker 3: a smoke? Vermont cigars?
Speaker 1: Ready enters carrying tray with food and a bottle, Say fellers,
Speaker 1: look at this layout. These is real people in this house.
Speaker 1: I found cold birds and ham and all kinds of
Speaker 1: pie and real wine. Place this tray on right end
Speaker 1: of table, Sit down and make yourselves perfectly at home.
Speaker 3: Well, well, that does look good.
Speaker 1: Place box of cigars at upper end of table and
Speaker 1: seats himself.
Speaker 3: Better have a bite, Guvnor No, I tell you.
Speaker 1: He sits angrily in chair at left end of table,
Speaker 1: with his face turned toward the curtains. Oh, come on,
Speaker 1: it don't cost you Nelson. The light from the candle
Speaker 1: is seen approaching the curtains.
Speaker 2: Hush, look there.
Speaker 1: He rises, lifting his chair above his head and advances
Speaker 1: on tiptoe to right of curtains, where he stands with
Speaker 1: the chair raised as though to strike. Harry points revolver
Speaker 1: at curtains. Reddy shifts the lantern to his left hand, and,
Speaker 1: standing close to Harry, also points a revolver. Alice appears
Speaker 1: between curtains. She is dressed as before, and in her
Speaker 1: left hand carries the candle, while the forefinger of her
Speaker 1: right hand is held warningly to her lips. For an
Speaker 1: instant she pauses in the ring of light from the lantern.
Speaker 3: Hush, make a noise. Don't make a noise.
Speaker 1: Please, Well, I'll be hang.
Speaker 3: Please, don't make a noise.
Speaker 2: Don't you make a noise.
Speaker 3: I don't mean to. My mother is asleep upstairs, and
Speaker 3: she's very ill, and I don't want to wake her,
Speaker 3: and I don't want you to wake her either.
Speaker 1: Well, I'll be hanged.
Speaker 2: Who else is in this house?
Speaker 3: No one but mother and the maid servants, and they're asleep.
Speaker 3: You woke me, and I hoped you'd go without disturbing mother.
Speaker 3: But when you started in making a night of it.
Speaker 3: I decided I'd better come down and ask you to
Speaker 3: be as quiet as possible. My mother is not at
Speaker 3: all well.
Speaker 1: Takes a cigar box off table.
Speaker 3: Excuse me, you've got the wrong cigars. Those are the
Speaker 3: cigar's father keeps for his friends. Those he smokes.
Speaker 1: He hides over here, places his box on buffet, and
Speaker 1: takes out a larger box with partitions for cigars, matches,
Speaker 1: and cigarettes. As he moves about, Reddy keeps her well
Speaker 1: in the light of the lantern.
Speaker 3: Try those. I'm afraid you've a very poor supper when
Speaker 3: father is away. We have such a small family. I
Speaker 3: can't see what you've Would you mind taking that light
Speaker 3: out of my eyes and pointing it at that tray?
Speaker 2: Don't you do it? Keep the gun on her?
Speaker 3: Oh, I don't mind his pointing the gun at me,
Speaker 3: so long as he does not point that light at me.
Speaker 3: It's most embarrassing. Turn it down there.
Speaker 1: Please, Reddy, lets light fall on tray.
Speaker 3: Why that's cooking sherry you've got. You can't drink that.
Speaker 3: Let me get you some whisky.
Speaker 1: Covering her with lantern, No you don't, that's not whisky.
Speaker 1: It's benzene.
Speaker 3: You don't mean to say that that benzine bottle is
Speaker 3: there still? I told Jane to take it away.
Speaker 1: Well Jane didn't do it.
Speaker 3: Now, isn't that just like Jane I told her it
Speaker 3: might set fire to the house and burn us alive.
Speaker 1: It nearly burned me alive.
Speaker 3: I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1: Takes from buffet a tray holding whiskey, bottle, siphon, and
Speaker 1: three glasses.
Speaker 3: Here this is what you want, but perhaps you don't
Speaker 3: like scotch.
Speaker 2: Don't you touch that?
Speaker 1: Ready returns to chair at left of table. Why not?
Speaker 1: Pours whiskey into a glass?
Speaker 3: Yes, why not? It's not poison. There's nothing wrong with
Speaker 3: this bottle. If you're afraid, I'll prove it to you,
Speaker 3: just to show you there's not a trace of hard feelings.
Speaker 1: Drinks and coughs violently. She's got the benzene bottle too.
Speaker 3: No, I'm not quite used to that. Excuse me, but
Speaker 3: aren't you getting tired holding that big pistol? Don't you
Speaker 3: think you might put it down now and help me
Speaker 3: serve this supper?
Speaker 1: Harry does not move.
Speaker 3: No, well, then let the colored gentlemen help me.
Speaker 1: Harry and Ready wheel sharply, each pointing his revolver.
Speaker 3: Colored man, Where colored man? It's a trap?
Speaker 1: Seeing no one? They turn?
Speaker 3: Oh, pardon me? Aren't you a colored person? Me?
Speaker 1: Colored? You never see a colored man with hair like that?
Speaker 1: Did you? Points lantern at his head. This isn't my
Speaker 1: real face, lady? Why out of office hours? I've a
Speaker 1: complexion like cream and roses? Colored man?
Speaker 3: I beg your pardon, but I can't see very well.
Speaker 3: Don't you think it would be more cheerful if we
Speaker 3: had a little more light?
Speaker 2: No drop that. We've got to go, and before we go,
Speaker 2: I've got to fix you?
Speaker 3: Fix me? How fix me?
Speaker 2: I'm sorry, miss, but it's your own fault. You shouldn't
Speaker 2: have tried to see us. Now that you have, before
Speaker 2: we leave, i've got to tie you to a chair
Speaker 2: and gag you.
Speaker 3: Oh really, all of that.
Speaker 2: I can't have you raising the neighborhood until we get
Speaker 2: well away.
Speaker 3: I see, but gagged, I'll look so foolish.
Speaker 1: Well, there's no hurry. We won't get well away until
Speaker 1: I've had something to eat.
Speaker 3: Quite right. You can tie me in a chair later,
Speaker 3: mister er, But now you must remember that I am
Speaker 3: your hostess. You'll find the plates in the pantry.
Speaker 1: Please, Oh, I don't use them things.
Speaker 3: You'll use them things when you eat with me. Go
Speaker 3: do as I tell you. Please, Ready exits and you
Speaker 3: put away that silly gun and help.
Speaker 2: Him stay where you are.
Speaker 3: Oh, what's the rush, guv'nor? She can't hurt nobody and
Speaker 3: I'm near starved too.
Speaker 1: Exit into pantry.
Speaker 2: This is the last time I take you out.
Speaker 1: Arranging the food upon the table.
Speaker 3: Now, why are you so peevish to everybody? Why don't
Speaker 3: you be sociable and take some.
Speaker 1: Supper glances at sideboard?
Speaker 3: You seem to have taken everything else. Oh that reminds me.
Speaker 3: Would you object to loaning me about four six about
Speaker 3: six of our knives and forks just for the supper?
Speaker 3: I suppose we can borrow from the neighbor's breakfast, unless
Speaker 3: you've been calling on the neighbors too.
Speaker 2: Oh, anything to oblige a lady.
Speaker 3: But no tricks now, Oh, I can't promise that because
Speaker 3: I mightn't be able to keep my promise.
Speaker 1: Hatch brings silver knives and forks from the bag.
Speaker 2: I'll risk all the tricks. You know, nobody's got much
Speaker 2: the better of me. In the last twenty years?
Speaker 3: Have you been a burglar twenty years? You must have
Speaker 3: begun very young. I can't see your face very well,
Speaker 3: but I I shouldn't say you were over forty. Do
Speaker 3: take that mask off. It looks so unsociable. Don't be
Speaker 3: afraid of me. I've a perfectly shocking memory for faces. Now.
Speaker 3: I'm sure that under that unbecoming and terrifying exterior you
Speaker 3: are hiding a kind and fatherly countenance. Am I right?
Speaker 3: Why do you wear it.
Speaker 2: To keep my face warm?
Speaker 3: Oh? Pardon me my mistake.
Speaker 1: A locomotive whistle is heard at a distance. Alice listens
Speaker 1: eagerly as the whistle dies away and is not repeated.
Speaker 1: Her face shows her disappointment.
Speaker 2: What was that? There's no trains this time of night.
Speaker 3: It was a freight train going the other way, the.
Speaker 2: Other way, the other way from where.
Speaker 3: From where it started? Do you know? I've always wanted
Speaker 3: to meet a burglar, but it's so difficult. They go
Speaker 3: out so seldom.
Speaker 2: Yes, and they arrive so late.
Speaker 3: Now that's much better. It's so nice of you to
Speaker 3: have a sense of humor while you're there. Just close
Speaker 3: those blinds, please, so that the neighbors can't see what
Speaker 3: scandalous hours we keep. And then you can make a light.
Speaker 3: This is much too gloomy for a supper party.
Speaker 1: Closing shutters.
Speaker 2: Yes, if those were shut it might be safer.
Speaker 1: He closes shutters and turns on the two electric lights.
Speaker 1: Ready and Harry enter, carrying plates.
Speaker 3: We aren't regular waiters, miss, but we think we're pretty
Speaker 3: good for amateurs.
Speaker 1: We haven't forgotten nothing, not even napkins. Have some napkins.
Speaker 1: Places a pile of folded napkins in front of Alice,
Speaker 1: then sits at head of table, Harry to lower right
Speaker 1: of table. Alice moves her chair away from the table,
Speaker 1: but keeping ready on her right. Hatch sits still further
Speaker 1: away from the table on her left.
Speaker 3: Thanks, put the plate down there, and may I help you.
Speaker 1: To some taking food and fingers. Oh, we'll help ourselves.
Speaker 3: Of course, you're accustomed to helping yourselves, aren't you. Won't
Speaker 3: you join them?
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: Through the scene which follows, Reddy and Harry continue to
Speaker 1: eat and drink heartily. No.
Speaker 3: Well, then while they're having supper, you and I will talk.
Speaker 3: If you're going to gag me soon, I want to
Speaker 3: talk while I can.
Speaker 1: Rises and hands boxed him have a cigar, Take cigar? Thanks,
Speaker 1: Standing with hand on back of chair.
Speaker 3: Now I want to ask you some questions. You are
Speaker 3: an intelligent man. Of course you must be, or you
Speaker 3: couldn't have kept out of jail for twenty years to
Speaker 3: get on in your business. A man must be intelligent,
Speaker 3: and he must have nerve and courage. Now, with those qualities,
Speaker 3: why may I ask? Why are you so stupid as
Speaker 3: to be a burglar? Stupid? Oh?
Speaker 1: I like that?
Speaker 2: Stupid? Why I make a living at it?
Speaker 3: How much of a living?
Speaker 2: Ten thousand a year?
Speaker 3: Ten thousand? Well suppose you made fifty thousand. What good
Speaker 3: is even a hundred thousand for one year? If to
Speaker 3: get it you risk going to prison for twenty years.
Speaker 3: That's not sensible merely as a business proposition. To take
Speaker 3: the risk you do for ten thousand dollars is stupid,
Speaker 3: isn't it. I can understand a man's risking twenty years
Speaker 3: of his life for some things. A man like Peerier, Dewier,
Speaker 3: Santos Dumont. They took big risks for big prizes. But
Speaker 3: there's thousands of men in this country not half as
Speaker 3: clever as you are, earning ten thousand a year without
Speaker 3: any risk of going to jail. None of them is
Speaker 3: afraid to go out in public with his wife and children,
Speaker 3: afraid to ask a policeman what time it is. They
Speaker 3: don't have to wear black masks, nor ruin their beautiful
Speaker 3: complexions with burnt cork.
Speaker 1: A go on, who'd give me a job?
Speaker 3: Whom did you ever ask for one?
Speaker 1: Ask me some more of that pie like mother used
Speaker 1: to make.
Speaker 2: Yes, there are clerks and shopkeepers working behind a counter
Speaker 2: twenty four hours a day, but they don't make ten
Speaker 2: thousand a year, and no one ever hears of them.
Speaker 2: There's no fame in their job.
Speaker 3: Fame. Oh, how interesting are you a celebrity?
Speaker 2: I'm quite as well known as I care to be.
Speaker 2: Now tomorrow all the papers will be talking about this.
Speaker 2: There'll be columns about us three. No one will know
Speaker 2: we are the ones they're talking about, I hope not.
Speaker 2: But the men in our profession will know, and they'll say,
Speaker 2: that was a neat job of so and sos last night.
Speaker 2: That's fame. Why we've got a reputation from one end
Speaker 2: of this to the other.
Speaker 3: That's right. There's some of us just as well known
Speaker 3: as mister Santos Dumont.
Speaker 1: And we fly just as high too.
Speaker 3: I suppose you, I suppose you're quite a famous burglar him.
Speaker 1: Why he's as well known as Billy the Kid.
Speaker 3: Billy the Kid. Really he sounds so attractive, But I'm
Speaker 3: afraid I don't think that I ever heard of him.
Speaker 1: Never heard of Billy the Kid?
Speaker 3: What do you think of that?
Speaker 2: Well, then I'm as well known as Brace Phillips, the
Speaker 2: Manhattan bankrobber.
Speaker 1: Sure he is.
Speaker 2: Don't tell me you never heard of him.
Speaker 3: I'm afraid not.
Speaker 2: Why he's a headliner. He's as well known as George
Speaker 2: post Copy Farrell, Billy Porter.
Speaker 3: No, there you are.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 3: You claim there is fame in this profession, and you
Speaker 3: have named five men who are at the top of it,
Speaker 3: and I've never heard of one of them. And I
Speaker 3: read the papers too.
Speaker 1: Well, there's other ladies who have heard of us, real ladies.
Speaker 1: When I was doing my last bit in jail, I
Speaker 1: got a thousand letters from ladies asking me for my
Speaker 1: photograph and offering to marry me.
Speaker 3: Really well, that only proves that men as husbands are
Speaker 3: more desirable in jail than out. No, it's a poor life.
Speaker 2: It's a poor life. You people lead with us to
Speaker 2: worry you. There's seventy millions of you in the United
Speaker 2: States and only a few of us, And yet we
Speaker 2: keep you guessing all the year round. Why we're the
Speaker 2: last thing you think of at night when you lock
Speaker 2: the doors. We're the first thing you think of in
Speaker 2: the morning when you feel for the silver basket. We're
Speaker 2: just a few up against seventy millions. I tell you
Speaker 2: there's fame and big money and a free life in
Speaker 2: my business.
Speaker 3: Yes, it's a free life until you go to jail.
Speaker 3: It's this way. You're barbarians, and there's no place for
Speaker 3: you in a civilized community except in jail. Everybody is
Speaker 3: working against you. Every city has its police force. Almost
Speaker 3: every house nowadays has a private watchman. And if we
Speaker 3: want to raise a hue and cry after you, there
Speaker 3: are the newspapers and the telegraph, and the telephone and
Speaker 3: the cables all.
Speaker 2: Over the Thank you one moment.
Speaker 1: Please throws open overcoat, showing that it is lined with burglars, jimmies, chisels,
Speaker 1: and augers.
Speaker 3: My, what an interesting coat. It looks like a tool chest,
Speaker 3: just the coat for an automobile trip.
Speaker 2: Harry cut those telephone wires.
Speaker 1: Hans barbed wire cutters, to Harry to Alice.
Speaker 2: Thank you for reminding me.
Speaker 3: Oh, not at all. You've nothing to thank me for.
Speaker 1: Harry goes to telephone to Harry.
Speaker 3: Don't make a noise doing that. Don't wake my mother.
Speaker 3: She's nervous and she's ill, and if you wake her
Speaker 3: or frighten her, I'll keep the police after you until
Speaker 3: every one of you is in jail.
Speaker 2: You won't keep after us very far. When I've tied
Speaker 2: you up. Bring me those curtain cords, Harry.
Speaker 3: Oh really, that's too ridiculous.
Speaker 1: Listens apprehensively.
Speaker 2: Sorry, I had to bust up your still alarm. But
Speaker 2: after we go, we can't have you chatting with the police.
Speaker 2: If you hadn't so kindly given me a tip about
Speaker 2: the telephone, I might have gone off and clean. Forgot that.
Speaker 1: Harry takes curtain cords from window curtains. I'm afraid Pretty
Speaker 1: Polly talked too much that time. We ain't all stupid, no.
Speaker 3: So I see, So, I see. It was careless of me,
Speaker 3: But everybody you call upon may not be so careless.
Speaker 2: Well, I've won out for twenty years. I've never been
Speaker 2: in jail.
Speaker 3: Don't worry. You're young. I told you you looked young.
Speaker 3: Your time is coming in these days. There's no room
Speaker 3: for burglars. You belong to the days of stage coaches.
Speaker 3: You're old fashioned. Now you're trying to fight civilization. That's
Speaker 3: what you're trying to do. You may keep ahead for
Speaker 3: a time, but in a long race, I'll back civilization
Speaker 3: to win.
Speaker 2: Is that so well, miss Civilization? You've had your say,
Speaker 2: and I hope you feel better giving that silk muffler
Speaker 2: of yours. If civilization is going to help you, it's
Speaker 2: got to hurry.
Speaker 3: You don't mean to say you really are going to
Speaker 3: gag me. I am, but my, but I shall look
Speaker 3: silly With.
Speaker 1: Her face turned right, she listens apprehensively, coming down with
Speaker 1: curtain cords and taking muffler from his pocket.
Speaker 3: I've got the stuff in this muffler.
Speaker 2: Well give me that.
Speaker 1: Too, shows inside coat pocket.
Speaker 2: I'll put it in the safe.
Speaker 1: Harry places muffler on table, exposing jewelry, begins placing the
Speaker 1: ornaments one at a time in his pocket. To Alice,
Speaker 1: what is it?
Speaker 2: What did you hear?
Speaker 3: I I thought I heard my mother moving about.
Speaker 2: Well she'd better not move about.
Speaker 3: You'd better not wake her.
Speaker 1: Seize the jewels.
Speaker 3: Oh, look at the graft or is it swag? Which
Speaker 3: is it?
Speaker 2: Cover em up? Cover it up.
Speaker 1: Harry tries to hide the jewels with one hand while
Speaker 1: he passes a lady's watch to Hatch.
Speaker 3: That's your watch. I'm sorry it has to go. I'm not.
Speaker 3: It's the first time it ever did go. And oh,
Speaker 3: thank you for taking that big brooch. It's a gift
Speaker 3: of father's, so I had to wear it. But it's
Speaker 3: so unbecoming.
Speaker 1: She listens.
Speaker 2: Covertly, put your hat on them, cover them up.
Speaker 1: Harry partly covers jewels with his hat. Hatch lifts a
Speaker 1: diamond necklace.
Speaker 3: I suppose you know your own business, but that is paste.
Speaker 2: Do you want to be gagged now?
Speaker 3: A pardon me? Of course you know what you want.
Speaker 1: Notice is another necklace.
Speaker 3: Oh that's missus Warren's necklace. So you called on her too,
Speaker 3: did you? Isn't she attractive?
Speaker 1: We didn't ask for the lady of the house. They
Speaker 1: ain't always as sociable as you are.
Speaker 3: Well, that's her necklace. You got that at the house
Speaker 3: on the hill with the red roof. The house that
Speaker 3: has the red roof, not the hill.
Speaker 1: She recognizes with an exclamation. A gold locket and chain,
Speaker 1: which Hatch is about to place in his pocket.
Speaker 3: Oh that's missus Lewell's lockett. How could you?
Speaker 1: She snatches lockett from Hatch and clasps it in both hands.
Speaker 1: She rises indignantly.
Speaker 3: How dare you take that?
Speaker 2: Put that down?
Speaker 3: No, I will not do. You know what that means
Speaker 3: to that woman. She cares more for that than for
Speaker 3: anything in this world. Her husband used to wear this.
Speaker 3: That's a lock of their child's hair. The child's dead
Speaker 3: and the husband's dead, and that's all she has left
Speaker 3: of either of them. And you took it, you brutes.
Speaker 1: Of course we took it. Why does she wear it
Speaker 1: where everybody can see it?
Speaker 2: Keep quiet, you fool.
Speaker 3: She wore it. You took it from her.
Speaker 2: We didn't hurt her, We only frightened her a bit.
Speaker 2: And will frighten you before we're done with you, Miss civilization.
Speaker 3: Frighten me. You, you with your face is covered. You're
Speaker 3: not men enough. You're afraid to even steal from men.
Speaker 3: You rob women when they're alone at night.
Speaker 1: Hould up locket?
Speaker 3: Try to take that from me? Alice, Alice, mother, Oh
Speaker 3: I forgot, I forgot.
Speaker 1: The burglars rise and moved towards her menacingly.
Speaker 3: Please please keep quiet, for God's sake, don't let her know, Alice,
Speaker 3: what's wrong?
Speaker 1: Who are you talking to? Alice runs to the curtains
Speaker 1: with one hand held out to the burglars, entreating silence.
Speaker 3: I'm I'm talking to James, the coachman. One of the
Speaker 3: horses is ill. Don't come down, mother, don't come down,
Speaker 3: go back to bed. He's going now, right away. He
Speaker 3: came for some medicine. It's all right.
Speaker 1: Good night, mother, can't I help?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: No, good night, mother, good night.
Speaker 2: That's enough of this. We can't leave here with the
Speaker 2: whole house awake. And there's a coachman too. She'll wake
Speaker 2: him next. He'll have the whole damned village after us.
Speaker 2: That went upstairs, and you have got to have your
Speaker 2: tongue stopped.
Speaker 1: Standing in front of curtains.
Speaker 3: You try to go near that woman. She's ill, she's feeble,
Speaker 3: she's my mother. Don't you dare to touch her.
Speaker 2: Get out of my way.
Speaker 3: She's ill, you cowards. It will kill her. You'll have
Speaker 3: to kill me before you get through this door.
Speaker 2: Well, then, if it comes to that.
Speaker 1: Three locomotive whistles are heard from just outside the house.
Speaker 1: Alice throws up her hands hysterically.
Speaker 3: Ah, at last, they've come.
Speaker 2: They've come, they've come. What is it? What does that mean?
Speaker 1: Reddy runs to window and opens the shutters.
Speaker 3: It means it means that twenty men are crossing that lawn.
Speaker 3: It means that while you sat drinking there, civilization was
Speaker 3: racing toward you at seventy miles an hour.
Speaker 2: Damn Nation, we're trapped. Get to the wagon quick. No,
Speaker 2: leave the girl alone. We've no time for that. Drop
Speaker 2: that stuff that way that way.
Speaker 1: No, get back, get back, it's too late. There's hundreds
Speaker 1: of them out there.
Speaker 2: Out here this way quick, yes, come.
Speaker 3: You don't dare come this way now.
Speaker 1: She drags open the curtains, disclosing Captain Lucas and two
Speaker 1: other policemen. For an instant they stand covering the burglars
Speaker 1: with revolvers. Ready runs to window. He is seized by
Speaker 1: an entering crowd of men in the oil stained blue
Speaker 1: jeans of engineers and brakemen.
Speaker 2: Hold up your hands, all of you, I guess I
Speaker 2: know you.
Speaker 1: With his left hand, he tears off Hatch's mask.
Speaker 2: Joe Hatch at last.
Speaker 1: Pulls off Harry's mask.
Speaker 2: And Harry Hayes. I thought so, and that's the kid,
Speaker 2: the whole gang.
Speaker 1: To the police, good work boys, to Alice.
Speaker 2: My congratulations, miss Gardner. They're the word lord in the country.
Speaker 2: You're a brave young lady.
Speaker 1: You ought, speaking with an effort and swaying slightly.
Speaker 3: Hush, please, don't don't alarm my mother. Mother's not as
Speaker 3: strong as as I am.
Speaker 1: Her eyes close and she faints across the arm of
Speaker 1: the Chief of Police as the curtain falls, end of play.
Speaker 1: This recording is in the public domain.