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<v Speaker 1>This is the audio from Recovery Stories Message of Hope,

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<v Speaker 1>Part four, recorded on October seventeenth, twenty twenty four from

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<v Speaker 1>Traverse City, Michigan, courtesy of Months in Behavioral Health with

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<v Speaker 1>a grant from HRSSAY Health Resources and Services Administration. Here's

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<v Speaker 1>Corey Winfield with a story about his recovery journey.

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<v Speaker 2>The story I'm going to tell is from Fortsmouth, Arkansas.

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<v Speaker 2>I was living there working for iHeartMedia. It was end

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<v Speaker 2>of November twenty fourteen, and I remember that because I

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<v Speaker 2>had saved up so much vacation time, I was taken

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<v Speaker 2>the whole month of December off and I was on

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<v Speaker 2>my way to this food drive that I had started

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<v Speaker 2>with the stations, and we had all of our stations

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<v Speaker 2>out there and I was wrapping it up. I was

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<v Speaker 2>the last broadcast after that. I was on vacation, and

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<v Speaker 2>I remember I was writing out there with our sales manager.

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<v Speaker 2>I was in his big four truck and it was

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<v Speaker 2>so cold and rainy, and the whole ride, I'm keeping

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<v Speaker 2>my hands in my pocket because I'm shaking. It had

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<v Speaker 2>been eighteen hours since I had a drink, so like,

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<v Speaker 2>oh my God, I can't wait to get there, to

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<v Speaker 2>get out to have the excuse of it's cold and rainy.

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<v Speaker 2>That's why I'm shaking tonight. You know, come bring some

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<v Speaker 2>canned food down, you know. I mean it was bad,

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<v Speaker 2>and the only way to get that to stop was

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<v Speaker 2>to buy more. And I knew, like, man, I just

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<v Speaker 2>got to make it through this like three four hour

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<v Speaker 2>shift whatever it was, and I get back to work

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<v Speaker 2>or drop the stuff off, and then I could go

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<v Speaker 2>on with my whole vacation. And while I was out there,

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<v Speaker 2>my plan worked. I got out there and the sales

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<v Speaker 2>guy was out there. He was this little marine dude,

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<v Speaker 2>and he wasn't stupid, you know. He saw me go

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<v Speaker 2>puke behind this trailer and I come back. He's like,

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<v Speaker 2>you're gonna be okay, You're gonna make it through this.

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<v Speaker 2>And I was like, yeah, man, yeah, that's just I've

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<v Speaker 2>been around so many people, you know, collecting all this food.

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<v Speaker 2>And he's like, you're gonna make it through this, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>cause that's all he cared about, was like, are you

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<v Speaker 2>gonna are you gonna put off for my client? You know, like,

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<v Speaker 2>don't don't make us come back. I have to do

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<v Speaker 2>another free one. So I was done.

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<v Speaker 3>I went to the liquor store.

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<v Speaker 2>It did my thing, and I don't remember anything about

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<v Speaker 2>that thirty day, that month long vacation in December of

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<v Speaker 2>twenty fourteen, getting a package for my mother. This was

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<v Speaker 2>the first time I'd never went home for Christmas. I

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<v Speaker 2>was thirty six years old. I had been home for

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<v Speaker 2>Christmas every single year except this one. And I waited

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<v Speaker 2>and I got it on like the twentieth or something.

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<v Speaker 2>I know, I not exactly as sure of the day,

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<v Speaker 2>but it was before Christmas, and I just set it

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<v Speaker 2>in a corner and on Christmas Eve that's when my

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<v Speaker 2>family would open presents. And I started opening it and

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<v Speaker 2>I was just bawling, and I couldn't figure out why,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, like drinking away all my emotions. I was

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<v Speaker 2>left numb. But I knew I was hurting. I knew

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<v Speaker 2>I was sad. I wasn't sure why, though. Was it

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<v Speaker 2>because I'm drunk? Was it because I missed being there?

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<v Speaker 2>You know, I wasn't sure. But I opened it, and

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not even sure if I called my mom. You know,

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<v Speaker 2>we weren't even talking. There was about a year we

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<v Speaker 2>didn't talk. We would talk and a few months though,

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<v Speaker 2>because I go back to work in January, right after

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<v Speaker 2>a whole month off, I go back to work and

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<v Speaker 2>my coworker we're outside smoking and he's like, man, Corey,

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<v Speaker 2>you look Joundae.

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<v Speaker 3>I was like, well, so do you dude? You know

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<v Speaker 3>I did.

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't even know what Johndace meant, you know. I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, you sure looks Johndae, bro. And he's like, no,

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<v Speaker 2>for real, man, you're you're Joundace, you know. And I

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<v Speaker 2>was like whatever, And I went and looked it up online. Oh,

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<v Speaker 2>it's Johndace. You was talking about liver failure. And I'm like, shit,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm thirty six, man, That's not gonna happen to me.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not even an alcoholic or nothing, you know, Like

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<v Speaker 2>I'll just drink a half gallon every day in her

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<v Speaker 2>and a half or so. But that's all right. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>everybody does that, man, everybody everybody. My mom and dad

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<v Speaker 2>don't because they're stupid. But everybody else in the world does, though,

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<v Speaker 2>So that's not me. And so I started getting this

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<v Speaker 2>pain in my stomach and I got to the point

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<v Speaker 2>where I would I'd be moaning at my desk and

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<v Speaker 2>just moaning, and the fact that I would have to

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<v Speaker 2>record my my show when I was in two different markets.

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<v Speaker 2>I was in Fort Smith and in Fayettville doing Afternoon

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<v Speaker 2>and I would record that show all the time. But

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<v Speaker 2>then I had to start recording my Ford Smith show

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<v Speaker 2>because I could only stand up for like ten minutes

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<v Speaker 2>and I had to lay down for fifteen. I could

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<v Speaker 2>stand up for ten to lay down fifteen. And my

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<v Speaker 2>coworker came over to my desk and he picks up

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<v Speaker 2>my phone and we had the same doctor and he's like, man, here,

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<v Speaker 2>call the doctor. You got to make an appointment. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>tired of hearing you moaning. And so I did, and

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<v Speaker 2>I went and saw and he's like he was from

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<v Speaker 2>some other country. I don't know nothing against other countries,

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<v Speaker 2>but he was like, what's wrong with you? I was like,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know, man. My co worker said, I'm Johnnis.

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<v Speaker 2>He was like, yeah, you're I'll give you this pill.

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<v Speaker 2>So give me this pill. It was like two hundred

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<v Speaker 2>and fifty bucks tw hundredo hundred ffy bucks, remember being expensive.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm like, man, that's a lot of liquor. I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>going to be able to buy now because that's how

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<v Speaker 2>we think. And I took the pill. It didn't help.

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<v Speaker 2>And he had also made me an appointment with a

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<v Speaker 2>gastrologist on that Monday, because it was a Friday when

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<v Speaker 2>to win salm. So I go see the astrologist on

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<v Speaker 2>Monday and I go into the office and I was

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<v Speaker 2>hurting so bad.

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<v Speaker 3>I asked him out at the front desk.

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<v Speaker 2>I said, please, can I just go in the back

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<v Speaker 2>of your office somewhere and stand in the closet. I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, I can't se out out in your lobby.

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, I'm hurting and I'm yellow, and I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, I just need to lean against a wall.

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<v Speaker 2>And the lady's just looking at me like, yeah, okay,

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<v Speaker 2>we could probably and they did. They put me in

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<v Speaker 2>this closet, just sitting and I was just leaning against

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<v Speaker 2>this closet, which seemed like for hours.

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<v Speaker 3>I mean, I was in pain. It hurts so bad.

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<v Speaker 2>And then the doctor comes and sees me, he draws

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<v Speaker 2>my blood. He comes back right away and he's like,

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<v Speaker 2>all right, we got to get you to the hospital.

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<v Speaker 2>We got you a room. I was like, I'm sorry

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<v Speaker 2>for doing what. I was like, I'm here from my

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<v Speaker 2>stomach hurting. He's like, well, your liver hasn't been working

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<v Speaker 2>for we're guessing about four days. Oh, your kidneys are

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<v Speaker 2>shut down as well. And I'm like, but you just

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<v Speaker 2>took a blood test, bro, Like how do you know that?

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<v Speaker 2>And he's like, oh no, because this is your numbers

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<v Speaker 2>and we know. So we got you over there. So

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<v Speaker 2>I went over there and I remember getting in there

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<v Speaker 2>and I had this like nasty beard. I mean I

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<v Speaker 2>had been gone on a vacation for a month in

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<v Speaker 2>my own house and probably not showering, maybe once a week,

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<v Speaker 2>I don't even know. But I was looking like a

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<v Speaker 2>hot mess. And they put me in this thing and

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<v Speaker 2>put the stin in my chest and I remember like, hey,

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<v Speaker 2>you're gonna numb me up, right, and.

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<v Speaker 3>They're like oh yeah yeah, and they just put this

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<v Speaker 3>just stuck it right in my chest. I was like,

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<v Speaker 3>that hurt.

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<v Speaker 2>And they're like, yeah, well, we didn't have time to

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<v Speaker 2>you know, numb me up and do all that, like

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<v Speaker 2>we have to deal with this right now, like we

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<v Speaker 2>have to give your liver steroids.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm like, all right, cool.

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<v Speaker 2>And the next day I'm laying there and I'm just like, man,

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<v Speaker 2>what can I get out of here? And this doctor

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<v Speaker 2>comes in and you know how the doctors are man,

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<v Speaker 2>they don't like joke sometimes. But this doctor came in

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<v Speaker 2>and he was real, like no nonsense. And I had

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<v Speaker 2>three doctors. I had a liver doctor, kidney doctor, and

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know what this guy was, but there was

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<v Speaker 2>like three of them. This guy comes in. He's like,

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<v Speaker 2>all right, well, let's start with some few questions. I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, all right, man, what's up. When can I

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<v Speaker 2>get out of here? And he's like, no, no, no,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm asking the questions.

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<v Speaker 3>I was like, okay.

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<v Speaker 2>He's like, first we'll ask how long you been an alcoholic.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm looking at him like, dude, you just call me

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<v Speaker 2>a bad name. I'm sorry, but I'm not an alcoholic.

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<v Speaker 2>I just had a good month. That's like I said,

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<v Speaker 2>I had a good month. I had a whole month off.

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<v Speaker 3>Man.

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<v Speaker 2>I woke up, it was six o'clock, it was dark.

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<v Speaker 2>AMPM who cares back to drinking. I didn't care, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>I was that gone. And I told him I just

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<v Speaker 2>had a good month. And he was like, you might

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<v Speaker 2>have had a good month, but you're here because your

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<v Speaker 2>liver is not functioning, your kidneys aren't functioning, and I've

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<v Speaker 2>seen pictures of your liver. You are an alcoholic and

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't like any of that. I didn't like anything

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<v Speaker 2>you had to say. And I was in the hospital

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<v Speaker 2>almost a month and it sucked. And I even told

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<v Speaker 2>him I'm gonna shave my beer and you you're not

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<v Speaker 2>gonna recognize me and I'll just walk right out of here.

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<v Speaker 2>And then it almost worked too, and they was like, oh,

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<v Speaker 2>if you would have told me your plan, I don't

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<v Speaker 2>think I would have known who you were. And I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, oh damn, I'm.

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<v Speaker 3>Like, wow, that could have worked.

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<v Speaker 2>But no, it was crazy, man, Like I didn't pee

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<v Speaker 2>for three or four days, and then the nurse had

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<v Speaker 2>told me, she's like, if you pee like this much

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<v Speaker 2>in this cup, you need to hit that button and

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<v Speaker 2>let us know. I'm like, okay, so I remember that

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<v Speaker 2>day I finally did.

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<v Speaker 3>It was like sirrup, you know. And I finally I'm.

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<v Speaker 2>Like, hey, I beat that much kind of go home

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<v Speaker 2>and she's like, what, okay, that's good, we'll be there.

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<v Speaker 2>Like they didn't act like it was this big accomplishment

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<v Speaker 2>like I thought it was, you know, like yeah, but no,

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<v Speaker 2>that was a good sign that, you know, my liver

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<v Speaker 2>was coming back on and my kidneys as well. And

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<v Speaker 2>I did do dialysis every day. They'd wheel me down

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<v Speaker 2>at five am thirty six. I'm not supposed to be here,

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<v Speaker 2>and there's older people there and they're all looking at me.

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<v Speaker 2>And of course they wouldn't let me ever control the TV. No,

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<v Speaker 2>it was always some cooking show or like this old house,

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<v Speaker 2>or it was always something like nothing I wanted to watch,

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<v Speaker 2>and they were like, what.

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<v Speaker 3>Are you even doing in here? And I'm like an accident.

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<v Speaker 2>The doctor gave me the wrong pill, which was I

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<v Speaker 2>told everybody, I told my work and everything that it

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<v Speaker 2>was bad. But back to the alcoholic thing though, because

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<v Speaker 2>it wasn't until years later that I realized that maybe

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<v Speaker 2>I am different, maybe I think different. I'm not the

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<v Speaker 2>kind of person who likes to beat myself up. I

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<v Speaker 2>don't look in the morning every morning and be like,

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<v Speaker 2>well I'm a piece of shit. Let's go to work

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<v Speaker 2>and get it done. That doesn't work for me, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>maybe I should think about it different. And just the

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<v Speaker 2>fact that I clearly was in the hospital because I

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<v Speaker 2>had a problem. Alcohol was what I reached for to

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<v Speaker 2>numb that problem, and I reached for a lot of it.

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<v Speaker 2>But just calling myself an alcoholic and I know there's

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<v Speaker 2>a person here today, and the person says, hey, I

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<v Speaker 2>have to call myself that, and you can call yourself

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<v Speaker 2>whatever you want.

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<v Speaker 3>That's you. You know.

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<v Speaker 2>If you have to go to a meeting and be like, hey,

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<v Speaker 2>I'm so and so I'm an alcoholic.

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<v Speaker 3>Do it. Do it. If it works for you, do it.

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<v Speaker 2>But for me, it's more powerful for me to walk

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<v Speaker 2>into a meeting and say, hey, what's up. I'm Corey.

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<v Speaker 2>I'm a person in recovery. You know, that for me

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<v Speaker 2>is moving forward. And I noticed, I don't know, maybe

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<v Speaker 2>you're a year or two ago about that word alcoholic

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<v Speaker 2>and being called something negative and how I frame it

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<v Speaker 2>in my mind. So that's kind of my message, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>just how you frame it in your mind. Man, if

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<v Speaker 2>you want to wake up and say you suck, do it,

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<v Speaker 2>but no, but for real, you know, do whatever works

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<v Speaker 2>for you, and you have to kind of maneuver your

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<v Speaker 2>way through it. And I'm not saying go do it

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<v Speaker 2>your way or go do it his way. I'm just

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<v Speaker 2>saying it's different ways for everybody, you know, and that's

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<v Speaker 2>kind of what we do at two seventeen Recovery. But

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<v Speaker 2>thanks for coming out, Thanks for.

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<v Speaker 1>Listening to the two seventeen Recovery podcast. Listen to over

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<v Speaker 1>nine hundred episodes on the two seventeen Recovery app that's

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<v Speaker 1>free in your app store or online at two seventeen

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<v Speaker 1>recovery dot com