Speaker 1: This is the audio from Recovery Stories Message of Hope,
Speaker 1: Part four, recorded on October seventeenth, twenty twenty four from
Speaker 1: Traverse City, Michigan, courtesy of Months in Behavioral Health with
Speaker 1: a grant from HRSSAY Health Resources and Services Administration. Here's
Speaker 1: Corey Winfield with a story about his recovery journey.
Speaker 2: The story I'm going to tell is from Fortsmouth, Arkansas.
Speaker 2: I was living there working for iHeartMedia. It was end
Speaker 2: of November twenty fourteen, and I remember that because I
Speaker 2: had saved up so much vacation time, I was taken
Speaker 2: the whole month of December off and I was on
Speaker 2: my way to this food drive that I had started
Speaker 2: with the stations, and we had all of our stations
Speaker 2: out there and I was wrapping it up. I was
Speaker 2: the last broadcast after that. I was on vacation, and
Speaker 2: I remember I was writing out there with our sales manager.
Speaker 2: I was in his big four truck and it was
Speaker 2: so cold and rainy, and the whole ride, I'm keeping
Speaker 2: my hands in my pocket because I'm shaking. It had
Speaker 2: been eighteen hours since I had a drink, so like,
Speaker 2: oh my God, I can't wait to get there, to
Speaker 2: get out to have the excuse of it's cold and rainy.
Speaker 2: That's why I'm shaking tonight. You know, come bring some
Speaker 2: canned food down, you know. I mean it was bad,
Speaker 2: and the only way to get that to stop was
Speaker 2: to buy more. And I knew, like, man, I just
Speaker 2: got to make it through this like three four hour
Speaker 2: shift whatever it was, and I get back to work
Speaker 2: or drop the stuff off, and then I could go
Speaker 2: on with my whole vacation. And while I was out there,
Speaker 2: my plan worked. I got out there and the sales
Speaker 2: guy was out there. He was this little marine dude,
Speaker 2: and he wasn't stupid, you know. He saw me go
Speaker 2: puke behind this trailer and I come back. He's like,
Speaker 2: you're gonna be okay, You're gonna make it through this.
Speaker 2: And I was like, yeah, man, yeah, that's just I've
Speaker 2: been around so many people, you know, collecting all this food.
Speaker 2: And he's like, you're gonna make it through this, you know,
Speaker 2: cause that's all he cared about, was like, are you
Speaker 2: gonna are you gonna put off for my client? You know, like,
Speaker 2: don't don't make us come back. I have to do
Speaker 2: another free one. So I was done.
Speaker 3: I went to the liquor store.
Speaker 2: It did my thing, and I don't remember anything about
Speaker 2: that thirty day, that month long vacation in December of
Speaker 2: twenty fourteen, getting a package for my mother. This was
Speaker 2: the first time I'd never went home for Christmas. I
Speaker 2: was thirty six years old. I had been home for
Speaker 2: Christmas every single year except this one. And I waited
Speaker 2: and I got it on like the twentieth or something.
Speaker 2: I know, I not exactly as sure of the day,
Speaker 2: but it was before Christmas, and I just set it
Speaker 2: in a corner and on Christmas Eve that's when my
Speaker 2: family would open presents. And I started opening it and
Speaker 2: I was just bawling, and I couldn't figure out why,
Speaker 2: you know, like drinking away all my emotions. I was
Speaker 2: left numb. But I knew I was hurting. I knew
Speaker 2: I was sad. I wasn't sure why, though. Was it
Speaker 2: because I'm drunk? Was it because I missed being there?
Speaker 2: You know, I wasn't sure. But I opened it, and
Speaker 2: I'm not even sure if I called my mom. You know,
Speaker 2: we weren't even talking. There was about a year we
Speaker 2: didn't talk. We would talk and a few months though,
Speaker 2: because I go back to work in January, right after
Speaker 2: a whole month off, I go back to work and
Speaker 2: my coworker we're outside smoking and he's like, man, Corey,
Speaker 2: you look Joundae.
Speaker 3: I was like, well, so do you dude? You know
Speaker 3: I did.
Speaker 2: I didn't even know what Johndace meant, you know. I
Speaker 2: was like, you sure looks Johndae, bro. And he's like, no,
Speaker 2: for real, man, you're you're Joundace, you know. And I
Speaker 2: was like whatever, And I went and looked it up online. Oh,
Speaker 2: it's Johndace. You was talking about liver failure. And I'm like, shit,
Speaker 2: I'm thirty six, man, That's not gonna happen to me.
Speaker 2: I'm not even an alcoholic or nothing, you know, Like
Speaker 2: I'll just drink a half gallon every day in her
Speaker 2: and a half or so. But that's all right. Yeah,
Speaker 2: everybody does that, man, everybody everybody. My mom and dad
Speaker 2: don't because they're stupid. But everybody else in the world does, though,
Speaker 2: So that's not me. And so I started getting this
Speaker 2: pain in my stomach and I got to the point
Speaker 2: where I would I'd be moaning at my desk and
Speaker 2: just moaning, and the fact that I would have to
Speaker 2: record my my show when I was in two different markets.
Speaker 2: I was in Fort Smith and in Fayettville doing Afternoon
Speaker 2: and I would record that show all the time. But
Speaker 2: then I had to start recording my Ford Smith show
Speaker 2: because I could only stand up for like ten minutes
Speaker 2: and I had to lay down for fifteen. I could
Speaker 2: stand up for ten to lay down fifteen. And my
Speaker 2: coworker came over to my desk and he picks up
Speaker 2: my phone and we had the same doctor and he's like, man, here,
Speaker 2: call the doctor. You got to make an appointment. I'm
Speaker 2: tired of hearing you moaning. And so I did, and
Speaker 2: I went and saw and he's like he was from
Speaker 2: some other country. I don't know nothing against other countries,
Speaker 2: but he was like, what's wrong with you? I was like,
Speaker 2: I don't know, man. My co worker said, I'm Johnnis.
Speaker 2: He was like, yeah, you're I'll give you this pill.
Speaker 2: So give me this pill. It was like two hundred
Speaker 2: and fifty bucks tw hundredo hundred ffy bucks, remember being expensive.
Speaker 2: I'm like, man, that's a lot of liquor. I'm not
Speaker 2: going to be able to buy now because that's how
Speaker 2: we think. And I took the pill. It didn't help.
Speaker 2: And he had also made me an appointment with a
Speaker 2: gastrologist on that Monday, because it was a Friday when
Speaker 2: to win salm. So I go see the astrologist on
Speaker 2: Monday and I go into the office and I was
Speaker 2: hurting so bad.
Speaker 3: I asked him out at the front desk.
Speaker 2: I said, please, can I just go in the back
Speaker 2: of your office somewhere and stand in the closet. I
Speaker 2: was like, I can't se out out in your lobby.
Speaker 2: I was like, I'm hurting and I'm yellow, and I
Speaker 2: was like, I just need to lean against a wall.
Speaker 2: And the lady's just looking at me like, yeah, okay,
Speaker 2: we could probably and they did. They put me in
Speaker 2: this closet, just sitting and I was just leaning against
Speaker 2: this closet, which seemed like for hours.
Speaker 3: I mean, I was in pain. It hurts so bad.
Speaker 2: And then the doctor comes and sees me, he draws
Speaker 2: my blood. He comes back right away and he's like,
Speaker 2: all right, we got to get you to the hospital.
Speaker 2: We got you a room. I was like, I'm sorry
Speaker 2: for doing what. I was like, I'm here from my
Speaker 2: stomach hurting. He's like, well, your liver hasn't been working
Speaker 2: for we're guessing about four days. Oh, your kidneys are
Speaker 2: shut down as well. And I'm like, but you just
Speaker 2: took a blood test, bro, Like how do you know that?
Speaker 2: And he's like, oh no, because this is your numbers
Speaker 2: and we know. So we got you over there. So
Speaker 2: I went over there and I remember getting in there
Speaker 2: and I had this like nasty beard. I mean I
Speaker 2: had been gone on a vacation for a month in
Speaker 2: my own house and probably not showering, maybe once a week,
Speaker 2: I don't even know. But I was looking like a
Speaker 2: hot mess. And they put me in this thing and
Speaker 2: put the stin in my chest and I remember like, hey,
Speaker 2: you're gonna numb me up, right, and.
Speaker 3: They're like oh yeah yeah, and they just put this
Speaker 3: just stuck it right in my chest. I was like,
Speaker 3: that hurt.
Speaker 2: And they're like, yeah, well, we didn't have time to
Speaker 2: you know, numb me up and do all that, like
Speaker 2: we have to deal with this right now, like we
Speaker 2: have to give your liver steroids.
Speaker 3: I'm like, all right, cool.
Speaker 2: And the next day I'm laying there and I'm just like, man,
Speaker 2: what can I get out of here? And this doctor
Speaker 2: comes in and you know how the doctors are man,
Speaker 2: they don't like joke sometimes. But this doctor came in
Speaker 2: and he was real, like no nonsense. And I had
Speaker 2: three doctors. I had a liver doctor, kidney doctor, and
Speaker 2: I don't know what this guy was, but there was
Speaker 2: like three of them. This guy comes in. He's like,
Speaker 2: all right, well, let's start with some few questions. I
Speaker 2: was like, all right, man, what's up. When can I
Speaker 2: get out of here? And he's like, no, no, no,
Speaker 2: I'm asking the questions.
Speaker 3: I was like, okay.
Speaker 2: He's like, first we'll ask how long you been an alcoholic.
Speaker 2: I'm looking at him like, dude, you just call me
Speaker 2: a bad name. I'm sorry, but I'm not an alcoholic.
Speaker 2: I just had a good month. That's like I said,
Speaker 2: I had a good month. I had a whole month off.
Speaker 3: Man.
Speaker 2: I woke up, it was six o'clock, it was dark.
Speaker 2: AMPM who cares back to drinking. I didn't care, you know,
Speaker 2: I was that gone. And I told him I just
Speaker 2: had a good month. And he was like, you might
Speaker 2: have had a good month, but you're here because your
Speaker 2: liver is not functioning, your kidneys aren't functioning, and I've
Speaker 2: seen pictures of your liver. You are an alcoholic and
Speaker 2: I didn't like any of that. I didn't like anything
Speaker 2: you had to say. And I was in the hospital
Speaker 2: almost a month and it sucked. And I even told
Speaker 2: him I'm gonna shave my beer and you you're not
Speaker 2: gonna recognize me and I'll just walk right out of here.
Speaker 2: And then it almost worked too, and they was like, oh,
Speaker 2: if you would have told me your plan, I don't
Speaker 2: think I would have known who you were. And I
Speaker 2: was like, oh damn, I'm.
Speaker 3: Like, wow, that could have worked.
Speaker 2: But no, it was crazy, man, Like I didn't pee
Speaker 2: for three or four days, and then the nurse had
Speaker 2: told me, she's like, if you pee like this much
Speaker 2: in this cup, you need to hit that button and
Speaker 2: let us know. I'm like, okay, so I remember that
Speaker 2: day I finally did.
Speaker 3: It was like sirrup, you know. And I finally I'm.
Speaker 2: Like, hey, I beat that much kind of go home
Speaker 2: and she's like, what, okay, that's good, we'll be there.
Speaker 2: Like they didn't act like it was this big accomplishment
Speaker 2: like I thought it was, you know, like yeah, but no,
Speaker 2: that was a good sign that, you know, my liver
Speaker 2: was coming back on and my kidneys as well. And
Speaker 2: I did do dialysis every day. They'd wheel me down
Speaker 2: at five am thirty six. I'm not supposed to be here,
Speaker 2: and there's older people there and they're all looking at me.
Speaker 2: And of course they wouldn't let me ever control the TV. No,
Speaker 2: it was always some cooking show or like this old house,
Speaker 2: or it was always something like nothing I wanted to watch,
Speaker 2: and they were like, what.
Speaker 3: Are you even doing in here? And I'm like an accident.
Speaker 2: The doctor gave me the wrong pill, which was I
Speaker 2: told everybody, I told my work and everything that it
Speaker 2: was bad. But back to the alcoholic thing though, because
Speaker 2: it wasn't until years later that I realized that maybe
Speaker 2: I am different, maybe I think different. I'm not the
Speaker 2: kind of person who likes to beat myself up. I
Speaker 2: don't look in the morning every morning and be like,
Speaker 2: well I'm a piece of shit. Let's go to work
Speaker 2: and get it done. That doesn't work for me, you know,
Speaker 2: maybe I should think about it different. And just the
Speaker 2: fact that I clearly was in the hospital because I
Speaker 2: had a problem. Alcohol was what I reached for to
Speaker 2: numb that problem, and I reached for a lot of it.
Speaker 2: But just calling myself an alcoholic and I know there's
Speaker 2: a person here today, and the person says, hey, I
Speaker 2: have to call myself that, and you can call yourself
Speaker 2: whatever you want.
Speaker 3: That's you. You know.
Speaker 2: If you have to go to a meeting and be like, hey,
Speaker 2: I'm so and so I'm an alcoholic.
Speaker 3: Do it. Do it. If it works for you, do it.
Speaker 2: But for me, it's more powerful for me to walk
Speaker 2: into a meeting and say, hey, what's up. I'm Corey.
Speaker 2: I'm a person in recovery. You know, that for me
Speaker 2: is moving forward. And I noticed, I don't know, maybe
Speaker 2: you're a year or two ago about that word alcoholic
Speaker 2: and being called something negative and how I frame it
Speaker 2: in my mind. So that's kind of my message, you know,
Speaker 2: just how you frame it in your mind. Man, if
Speaker 2: you want to wake up and say you suck, do it,
Speaker 2: but no, but for real, you know, do whatever works
Speaker 2: for you, and you have to kind of maneuver your
Speaker 2: way through it. And I'm not saying go do it
Speaker 2: your way or go do it his way. I'm just
Speaker 2: saying it's different ways for everybody, you know, and that's
Speaker 2: kind of what we do at two seventeen Recovery. But
Speaker 2: thanks for coming out, Thanks for.
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