WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:06.719 I had always loved the way the third rail felt. 2 00:00:06.719 --> 00:00:10.759 On a Thursday evening, right before trivia got started, warm 3 00:00:10.800 --> 00:00:14.400 in the corners, old bricks softening the street noise, the 4 00:00:14.439 --> 00:00:18.719 bartenders already working their second round of jokes. The regulars 5 00:00:18.760 --> 00:00:22.640 trickled in, dropping insulated jackets and shaking rain out of 6 00:00:22.679 --> 00:00:26.480 their hair, that low murmur swelling as everyone started picking 7 00:00:26.480 --> 00:00:29.879 their teams. I must have looked out of place that night, 8 00:00:30.280 --> 00:00:33.600 alone at the batted table beneath the Knon black Hawks 9 00:00:33.600 --> 00:00:37.880 Forever sign, frowning into my cider with my phone propped 10 00:00:37.920 --> 00:00:41.479 against the napkin holder. It was closing in on seven 11 00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:44.799 forty five, past the time Ben would usually sweep in 12 00:00:44.840 --> 00:00:48.200 with that lopsided grin and an armful of greasy takeout 13 00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:52.320 containers for our trivia team, him, Me, Jess, sometimes Janine 14 00:00:52.359 --> 00:00:55.759 if her shift ended early emails pinged at him well 15 00:00:55.799 --> 00:00:58.719 into the night. Lately, but as recently as last week, 16 00:00:59.000 --> 00:01:02.840 he'd still made it a priority Thursday trivia, no matter what. 17 00:01:04.040 --> 00:01:07.200 We even called it our tiny marriage. If either of 18 00:01:07.280 --> 00:01:10.000 us broke the ritual, the joke went, we'd need to 19 00:01:10.040 --> 00:01:14.760 renegotiate our vows. But to night Ben was absent, citing 20 00:01:14.760 --> 00:01:17.200 a work dinner with a huge new client at this 21 00:01:17.359 --> 00:01:21.040 upscale Panasian place in River North. He'd texted me at 22 00:01:21.079 --> 00:01:25.239 six eleven, Babe, I'm tied up. Don't wait up, love 23 00:01:25.280 --> 00:01:28.159 you crush them at trivia. That should have put my 24 00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:31.799 mind at ease, except it didn't. Jess slid into the 25 00:01:31.840 --> 00:01:34.680 seat beside me as I was contemplating a second cider. 26 00:01:35.280 --> 00:01:38.760 Already bored without your other half, ha, she teased, nudging 27 00:01:38.799 --> 00:01:42.400 my knee. I grinned, grateful for the distraction. As our 28 00:01:42.439 --> 00:01:45.920 team debated which batman Villan's real name was Edward Nigma, 29 00:01:46.599 --> 00:01:49.719 Jess caught up with me, laughing over some mishap at work, 30 00:01:50.040 --> 00:01:53.040 and for a while it felt almost like any other Thursday. 31 00:01:53.480 --> 00:01:57.719 We lost round one spectacularly, as always. Then, just as 32 00:01:57.719 --> 00:02:01.480 the scorekeeper announced the bonus round, my phone buzzed a 33 00:02:01.519 --> 00:02:04.120 new text from Jess, but sent to me directly, not 34 00:02:04.239 --> 00:02:07.280 our group thread. Didn't know you were into indie rock, 35 00:02:07.640 --> 00:02:10.960 saw Ben at the hideout band was wild. There was 36 00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:15.080 an image attached, grainy, blurry, clearly shot mid song without 37 00:02:15.080 --> 00:02:18.319 a flash. I felt a weird pulse in my finger 38 00:02:18.360 --> 00:02:21.120 tips as I tapped the photo to enlarge it. There 39 00:02:21.199 --> 00:02:25.680 unmistakably was Ben. Same dark curls, same shoulders, stacked in 40 00:02:25.719 --> 00:02:28.520 the way i'd recognize from across a city block. He 41 00:02:28.639 --> 00:02:31.400 was half turned away from the camera, but not looking alone. 42 00:02:31.960 --> 00:02:35.319 He hunched over, speaking to a woman, long red hair, 43 00:02:35.599 --> 00:02:38.479 an easy laugh, hand curling on his arm, like they 44 00:02:38.479 --> 00:02:42.319 were old friends, or maybe something more. My stomach flickered 45 00:02:43.319 --> 00:02:45.919 before I could react. Jess My Jess looked at me 46 00:02:45.960 --> 00:02:49.280 and said, so, who's winning our team? Or your phone? 47 00:02:49.879 --> 00:02:54.039 Her own text unread on her device obviously, Oh nothing, 48 00:02:54.280 --> 00:02:56.840 I said, too quickly, maybe, but I turned the phone 49 00:02:56.879 --> 00:03:02.120 over work. Ben says, hey, she wrinkled her nose. He'd 50 00:03:02.159 --> 00:03:06.400 text from that robo dinner. I shrugged, trying for cool. 51 00:03:06.960 --> 00:03:10.120 In my head, I'd already decided it probably was Ben, 52 00:03:10.520 --> 00:03:13.240 some one who looked like him, or maybe his co workers. 53 00:03:13.680 --> 00:03:17.800 The hideout wasn't even close to that River North restaurant. Besides, 54 00:03:17.919 --> 00:03:21.439 he wouldn't lie about a thing so small. The rest 55 00:03:21.439 --> 00:03:24.960 of trivia unfolded without calamity. We lost, but not as 56 00:03:25.000 --> 00:03:28.560 badly as usual. As our team split outside to call lifts. 57 00:03:28.840 --> 00:03:31.680 I pulled out my phone and stared at Jess's photo again. 58 00:03:32.159 --> 00:03:35.199 I nearly typed are you sure that was Ben? Before 59 00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:39.000 deleting it, not wanting to plant seeds of drama instead, 60 00:03:39.080 --> 00:03:42.240 I called my own lift, told myself I was being silly, 61 00:03:42.520 --> 00:03:45.800 and replayed Ben's last message as the driver looped on 62 00:03:45.919 --> 00:03:49.240 to Ashland. But as we pulled up to our apartment, 63 00:03:49.560 --> 00:03:52.000 the one with the paint chipped mail boxes and that 64 00:03:52.159 --> 00:03:55.759 sign Ben's swore was haunted. I hesitated on the sidewalk. 65 00:03:56.159 --> 00:03:59.439 I fiddled with my keys longer than usual. The building's 66 00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:03.840 out a glass as reflected me slightly distorted. Inside our 67 00:04:03.879 --> 00:04:07.960 apartment was dark, the couch's plaid throw folded neatly, the 68 00:04:08.000 --> 00:04:12.319 trivia trophy glinting from its shelf. Usually, walking into our 69 00:04:12.360 --> 00:04:16.480 space alone felt peaceful to night. Something was off. Not 70 00:04:16.560 --> 00:04:19.439 a siren blaring alarm, more like a thread of worry 71 00:04:19.480 --> 00:04:22.439 winding through me, tightening. As I set my bag down, 72 00:04:23.040 --> 00:04:25.800 I did what I always do when unsettled. Watered the 73 00:04:25.879 --> 00:04:30.959 droopy snakeskin plant by the kitchen window, straightened Ben's abandoned magazines, 74 00:04:31.240 --> 00:04:34.759 and checked my own calendar for the morning. I kept 75 00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:37.519 glancing at the door, as if I expected to catch 76 00:04:37.560 --> 00:04:41.040 Ben walking in at some unguarded moment holding a take 77 00:04:41.040 --> 00:04:43.920 out container. And the punch line to a private joke. 78 00:04:44.560 --> 00:04:47.240 But it was nearly ten thirty when I heard his 79 00:04:47.360 --> 00:04:50.759 key in the lock. He crept in, startled to see 80 00:04:50.759 --> 00:04:54.800 me still up. You waited, he said, voice light, loosening 81 00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:57.920 his tie in that distracted way of his. Did you win? 82 00:04:59.120 --> 00:05:02.000 I lied and told him we did. He grinned, pressing 83 00:05:02.000 --> 00:05:04.959 a kiss to my forehead. He kissed me in that absent, 84 00:05:05.199 --> 00:05:08.839 almost rehearsed way, and I let my eyes close, ignoring 85 00:05:08.879 --> 00:05:12.000 the faint scent on his jacket, spicier than the cologne 86 00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:15.240 I bought him last Christmas. Not sweat, not quite food, 87 00:05:15.720 --> 00:05:20.480 something new. Ben drifted into the tiny living room, complaining 88 00:05:20.480 --> 00:05:25.279 about powerpunt decks and lackluster spring rolls. I watched him 89 00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:28.720 from the kitchen, feeling this odd displacement, as if I'd 90 00:05:28.759 --> 00:05:31.480 stumbled onto a movie set where the actors were reading 91 00:05:31.519 --> 00:05:35.920 lines I'd never seen before. Lying in bed beside him, 92 00:05:36.120 --> 00:05:40.240 I replayed every detail of Jess's text. Maybe she was mistaken, 93 00:05:40.680 --> 00:05:43.360 Maybe that was Ben at the hideout. Even as I 94 00:05:43.399 --> 00:05:46.480 tried to will myself to sleep, the question pressed in 95 00:05:46.839 --> 00:05:50.879 persistent cold beneath my ribs. If I trusted him, why 96 00:05:50.920 --> 00:05:54.399 couldn't I let this go. The next morning arrived with 97 00:05:54.439 --> 00:05:57.399 all the heavy routine of a late March Friday, sleet 98 00:05:57.439 --> 00:06:00.879 against the windows, the neighbor's dog barking through two layers 99 00:06:00.879 --> 00:06:04.680 of dry wall, Emil's pinging. Before I'd had coffee, Ben 100 00:06:04.759 --> 00:06:08.160 was already in the kitchen, humming some pop song, scrambling 101 00:06:08.199 --> 00:06:11.680 eggs with too much pepper, his signature, he always joked. 102 00:06:12.240 --> 00:06:14.839 The memory of the previous night barely clung to him. 103 00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:19.560 He was already mid routine, scrolling through his phone's news alerts. 104 00:06:20.120 --> 00:06:23.480 I held my mug, watching the steam curl toward the ceiling, 105 00:06:23.839 --> 00:06:26.000 trying to decide if I was a fool for wanting 106 00:06:26.040 --> 00:06:29.480 answers or a fool for not needing them. He sounded 107 00:06:29.480 --> 00:06:33.240 so ordinary, laughing about an email chain gone rogue, his 108 00:06:33.360 --> 00:06:37.120 blue Oxford shirt, untucked hair, a little wild, like he'd 109 00:06:37.160 --> 00:06:40.720 slept rough. Before I could talk myself out of it, 110 00:06:40.800 --> 00:06:44.399 I said, Jess texted last night. She said she saw 111 00:06:44.439 --> 00:06:47.160 you at the hideout. I thought you had that dinner thing. 112 00:06:48.319 --> 00:06:51.720 His reaction was quick, but not panicked, just speedy enough 113 00:06:51.720 --> 00:06:55.199 that I clocked it as something rehearsed. Yeah, crazy, right. 114 00:06:55.680 --> 00:06:58.480 Dinner ended early, and the client wanted to check out 115 00:06:58.480 --> 00:07:01.079 some local music, so we hopped by for a drink. 116 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:06.240 Sorry I missed trivia. Maybe next week. I forced a smile, 117 00:07:06.519 --> 00:07:09.759 too aware that my face could easily betray me. Who's 118 00:07:09.839 --> 00:07:14.240 the client? Any one important? He launched into a canned 119 00:07:14.279 --> 00:07:17.720 agency story, some hot shot from La Super into the 120 00:07:17.759 --> 00:07:21.079 local scene, and then turned the conversation to my own 121 00:07:21.199 --> 00:07:24.800 weekend plans. Did I want to try that TI brunch spot? 122 00:07:25.240 --> 00:07:29.319 Maybe check out the new gallery show? I smiled back, 123 00:07:29.480 --> 00:07:31.879 letting the current of his charms sweep me along, but 124 00:07:32.000 --> 00:07:34.639 saw out of the corner of my eye his shoes 125 00:07:34.680 --> 00:07:38.720 as he crouched to tie them new expensive leather and 126 00:07:38.839 --> 00:07:42.360 green rubber, the kind of trend hugging style he'd always mocked. 127 00:07:42.920 --> 00:07:47.079 Those are new, I said, keeping it light. Ben glanced 128 00:07:47.079 --> 00:07:50.319 down shrugged. YEA scored a deal. Kind of had to. 129 00:07:50.439 --> 00:07:53.399 You know, directors can't look like they just rolled out 130 00:07:53.439 --> 00:07:57.399 of bed, he laughed, but his joke missed its usual target. 131 00:07:57.720 --> 00:08:01.279 He'd always prided himself on being the most underdressed man 132 00:08:01.319 --> 00:08:04.920 in the pitch room. It was a detail I tucked away. 133 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:08.279 Maybe he was just stepping up his game. Maybe I 134 00:08:08.319 --> 00:08:12.399 was just overthinking everything. Projecting last night's uncertainty on to 135 00:08:12.519 --> 00:08:17.399 something innocent. That Saturday, rain scudded sideways against the coffee 136 00:08:17.439 --> 00:08:20.720 shop windows. As I lounged in bed, sending half hearted 137 00:08:20.759 --> 00:08:23.360 texts to lure Ben into joining me at my favorite 138 00:08:23.399 --> 00:08:26.920 thrift store. He begged off, gotta hit the dry cleaners 139 00:08:26.959 --> 00:08:29.759 than the hardware store. I'm in fix it mode to day. 140 00:08:30.600 --> 00:08:33.720 Hours later, he returned with a brand new shirt. It 141 00:08:33.799 --> 00:08:36.919 was on clearance, he said, already peeling off the tags. 142 00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:41.600 Impulse by we still doing that Pete Sander movie night, 143 00:08:42.000 --> 00:08:44.919 I asked, Watching him as he folded his new shirt 144 00:08:44.960 --> 00:08:49.600 along the seams, he ducked his head, smiling. Rain check 145 00:08:49.960 --> 00:08:53.919 work pile exploded. He tapped his phone, which seemed glued 146 00:08:53.960 --> 00:08:56.799 to his hand. For the rest of the evening, I 147 00:08:56.840 --> 00:08:59.559 busied myself with a new font for a freelance gig, 148 00:08:59.840 --> 00:09:02.960 the glow of my laptops swallowing the hours until midnight. 149 00:09:03.559 --> 00:09:05.919 Every now and then I caught Ben's reflection in the 150 00:09:05.960 --> 00:09:09.840 living room window, pacing while on another call, voice pitched 151 00:09:09.879 --> 00:09:13.159 low and bright. When he finally collapsed on the sofa 152 00:09:13.200 --> 00:09:16.799 beside me, he was present, but his mind seemed elsewhere, 153 00:09:17.240 --> 00:09:21.879 a sort of restless energy pinballing behind his eyes. Sunday 154 00:09:21.960 --> 00:09:25.039 was all errands and little jokes, but I kept rewinding 155 00:09:25.080 --> 00:09:29.159 conversations in my head. Was I paranoid or was he different? 156 00:09:29.759 --> 00:09:33.039 I reminded myself how work stress could shift any one's mood, 157 00:09:33.480 --> 00:09:38.120 especially Ben's. He tended to overcompensate with charm, leaning hard 158 00:09:38.159 --> 00:09:42.279 into stories about big winds, little victories, reminding us both 159 00:09:42.320 --> 00:09:45.919 that we were climbing upward. Still, I noticed that, for 160 00:09:45.960 --> 00:09:48.639 the first time, he locked his screen before leaving it 161 00:09:48.720 --> 00:09:52.039 on the kitchen table. He'd never done that, not once 162 00:09:52.080 --> 00:09:55.080 in five years, And I told myself that's just what 163 00:09:55.200 --> 00:09:58.320 people do now. But still the gesture had an air 164 00:09:58.360 --> 00:10:02.440 of closure. Monday, as I hustled through a revision blitz 165 00:10:02.480 --> 00:10:05.840 for a restless client, my phone chirped with a notification 166 00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:09.879 about our shared brunch fund, a small withdrawal, not for 167 00:10:09.960 --> 00:10:13.840 food but for cafe dart. I asked Ben about it 168 00:10:13.879 --> 00:10:18.240 when he came home, just out of curiosity. He shrugged again, 169 00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:22.360 looking distracted. Oh yeah, I grabbed coffee with a client. 170 00:10:22.840 --> 00:10:26.440 Cute place, weird music, not your scene. He kissed me 171 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:30.120 on the head, nearly missing me. It wasn't that he lied. 172 00:10:30.600 --> 00:10:33.039 It was the ease, with which he explained like he 173 00:10:33.120 --> 00:10:36.639 knew the script. When Ben rolled in from his Wednesday 174 00:10:36.720 --> 00:10:39.639 client dinner, I noticed a different scent on his collar, 175 00:10:39.919 --> 00:10:43.600 perfume sweet and herbal. Neither of us wore anything remotely 176 00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:46.720 like it. He ducked straight into the shower, humming a 177 00:10:46.840 --> 00:10:49.840 tune I didn't recognize. I brought it up as a joke. 178 00:10:50.360 --> 00:10:54.000 Now you smell like a cephora exploded, but he just grinned, 179 00:10:54.279 --> 00:10:58.120 lathering his hair. He'd always been a solid rock, the 180 00:10:58.200 --> 00:11:00.879 guy I trusted to split lift for and pick up 181 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:04.480 my dry cleaning, and remember my dumbest inside jokes. For 182 00:11:04.559 --> 00:11:07.080 as long as we'd been together, I'd never wondered where 183 00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:10.080 he was, or who he was with, or if Thursday 184 00:11:10.120 --> 00:11:14.120 Trivia was still us. The new unease wasn't a sharp knife, 185 00:11:14.159 --> 00:11:18.759 not yet, just a constant irritating it. Work kept me 186 00:11:18.799 --> 00:11:22.639 busy the following week, a design proposal for a local distillery, 187 00:11:22.840 --> 00:11:25.960 a webheader for a shoe store opening soon. My own 188 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:28.879 schedule was packed, and in the past Ben used to 189 00:11:28.919 --> 00:11:32.519 beam when I landed a new client. Lately he barely 190 00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:37.080 registered the news, mostly responding with that's awesome, babe, before 191 00:11:37.159 --> 00:11:40.279 veering back to his email or side project. I tried 192 00:11:40.320 --> 00:11:45.080 to dismiss it as ordinary overload. Thursday arrived again, and 193 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:48.240 for the first time in two years, Ben announced at breakfast, 194 00:11:48.679 --> 00:11:52.480 can't do trivia. Sorry, the agency's making me stay late. 195 00:11:52.919 --> 00:11:56.240 Another client dinner. Tara's in from out of town. She's 196 00:11:56.240 --> 00:12:00.960 a big deal. His casualness caught me off guard. Who's Tara, 197 00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:05.600 I asked, matching his breeziness, he rattled off her job title, 198 00:12:05.879 --> 00:12:09.840 already scrolling his phone. She's the client from last week, 199 00:12:10.200 --> 00:12:14.080 same one. Agency's rolling out the red carpet since she's 200 00:12:14.080 --> 00:12:18.480 basically bankrolling the next quarter. The phrase rolling out the 201 00:12:18.519 --> 00:12:22.600 red carpet stuck to me. Ben hated corporate cliches, but 202 00:12:22.679 --> 00:12:26.159 there he was speaking in them. Jess side eyed me 203 00:12:26.240 --> 00:12:29.039 that night when I showed up solo again. He's with 204 00:12:29.159 --> 00:12:32.240 that big client. She skewered an olive and slid it 205 00:12:32.279 --> 00:12:36.759 over you. Guy's good, yea, just work. He'll be back 206 00:12:36.799 --> 00:12:40.000 to normal by next week. I tried to laugh, but 207 00:12:40.120 --> 00:12:44.679 even to myself, the words didn't sound convincing. That night, 208 00:12:44.759 --> 00:12:47.320 as I wrestled the fitted sheet onto our bed, I 209 00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:49.960 paused in the middle of the room, sheet balled in 210 00:12:50.039 --> 00:12:53.360 my arms, and let my thoughts roll over me. How 211 00:12:53.399 --> 00:12:57.320 his phone was now always tucked away, face down, sometimes 212 00:12:57.360 --> 00:12:59.720 even in the bathroom. How he was never up for 213 00:12:59.840 --> 00:13:03.200 US Saturday runs or gallery afternoons, and how he always 214 00:13:03.240 --> 00:13:08.159 sighted client deadlines as his excuse. The little detail stuck 215 00:13:08.559 --> 00:13:11.840 coffee shops he never mentioned before, three pairs of new 216 00:13:11.919 --> 00:13:15.879 dress socks, messages on his phone from d M, or 217 00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:19.919 just initials, nothing that registered in our shared social circle. 218 00:13:20.559 --> 00:13:23.399 Each discovery was its own drop in a bucket. I 219 00:13:23.440 --> 00:13:28.000 pretended wasn't filling up. Then. That second Friday, Ben came 220 00:13:28.039 --> 00:13:31.159 home late, as usual. I was on the couch, half 221 00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:33.879 dozing in front of a documentary, but sat upright when 222 00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:37.759 he slumped inside, peeling off his jacket. His wrists sported 223 00:13:37.799 --> 00:13:40.360 a neon blue band, the kind you get at a 224 00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:44.720 concert or club. You win something, I asked, gesturing at 225 00:13:44.759 --> 00:13:50.039 the band. He followed my gaze, then smiled sheepishly. Oh this. 226 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:53.320 The client wanted to check out some music after dinner. 227 00:13:53.639 --> 00:13:56.039 They handed these out at the door, a raffle for 228 00:13:56.120 --> 00:13:59.840 drink tickets. I barely stayed. He flicked it off, dropping 229 00:14:00.159 --> 00:14:04.000 into the junk drawer. He stood behind the kitchen counter, 230 00:14:04.320 --> 00:14:06.840 opening mail and I stared at him like I was 231 00:14:06.879 --> 00:14:09.960 waiting for a slip, a clue, something that would make 232 00:14:10.000 --> 00:14:13.919 it all fall into place. Ben caught me looking and winked, 233 00:14:14.200 --> 00:14:16.879 don't worry, I'm not running off to join a band. 234 00:14:18.080 --> 00:14:21.639 Nothing was technically wrong, no fights, no missed bills, no 235 00:14:21.799 --> 00:14:25.879 obvious disconnection, and yet the rhythm we'd spent five years building, 236 00:14:26.159 --> 00:14:29.960 little rituals, the lazy couch sundays, the running banter over 237 00:14:30.039 --> 00:14:33.519 New York Times cross words had become spotty, paper thin. 238 00:14:34.200 --> 00:14:36.440 Maybe it was just the stress of careers that didn't 239 00:14:36.480 --> 00:14:39.600 quite sink up any more. I told myself time would 240 00:14:39.639 --> 00:14:44.000 pass and things would rearrange. But on Sunday I checked 241 00:14:44.000 --> 00:14:47.960 our credit card statement, half searching for fraud, half looking 242 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:51.120 for normalcy, and found a ninety two dollars charge at 243 00:14:51.240 --> 00:14:54.200 Rogue and Co, a boutique in wicker Park that Ben 244 00:14:54.240 --> 00:14:58.159 had never mentioned. He'd always sneered at the boutiques sixteen 245 00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:02.519 bucks for socks, no thanks. I brought it up that evening, 246 00:15:02.600 --> 00:15:06.120 as casually as possible, you find something good at Rogue 247 00:15:06.159 --> 00:15:10.279 and Co. He smiled, But it looked like work gift 248 00:15:10.360 --> 00:15:14.519 for a colleague, secret Santa thing, super last minute. I panicked, 249 00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:18.600 picked out a scarf. He teased my investigative tone I 250 00:15:18.679 --> 00:15:22.120 let him. That week, I first typed how to tell 251 00:15:22.159 --> 00:15:25.000 if your partner is lying to you into Google. I 252 00:15:25.080 --> 00:15:29.159 flushed with shame, staring at the suggested links. Ten signs 253 00:15:29.159 --> 00:15:33.360 of infidelity? What counts as emotional cheating? I closed the 254 00:15:33.360 --> 00:15:36.639 browser and told myself to stop. This was the sort 255 00:15:36.679 --> 00:15:40.639 of thing couple's therapy blogs warned you against building stories 256 00:15:40.639 --> 00:15:44.240 out of dust. Were invited to a housewarming at Janine 257 00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:48.080 and Michele's new place, a beautiful, plant strewn high rise 258 00:15:48.120 --> 00:15:51.799 on Milwaukee Arve. Ben, who'd always dominated the center of 259 00:15:51.799 --> 00:15:54.879 any party with his particular brand of stories and wisecracks, 260 00:15:55.159 --> 00:15:58.039 was more reserved. At one point I caught him at 261 00:15:58.039 --> 00:16:01.159 the snack table talking to a tall woman with coppery hair, 262 00:16:01.519 --> 00:16:04.960 no one I recognized. They exchanged a half joking look. 263 00:16:05.080 --> 00:16:08.120 After Ben made some crack about his new client look. 264 00:16:08.600 --> 00:16:13.240 He caught me looking slightly embarrassed. Ratch wan some cheese 265 00:16:13.240 --> 00:16:16.960 plate before it's gone. I forced a smile, but when 266 00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:19.279 Jess sidled up to me by the drinks later, her 267 00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:24.399 question stopped me cold. You and Ben are like doing okay? Right? 268 00:16:24.879 --> 00:16:27.360 He just seems a little I deno distant when the 269 00:16:27.399 --> 00:16:31.639 gang goes out, Well, you know, Ben, I joked, he's 270 00:16:31.639 --> 00:16:35.279 probably plotting a new heist or something. Jess laughed and 271 00:16:35.360 --> 00:16:38.080 let it drop, but I could feel the scrutiny beneath 272 00:16:38.080 --> 00:16:41.879 her concern. All night I caught Ben's eyes skidding away 273 00:16:41.879 --> 00:16:45.679 from mine. At home, I chopped carrots for a late dinner, 274 00:16:45.879 --> 00:16:48.960 listening to Ben's joke about how his agency was upgrading 275 00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:52.240 him her client mandate. He quipped, next thing, you know, 276 00:16:52.360 --> 00:16:55.240 I'll have to start drinking oat milk. It was delivered 277 00:16:55.240 --> 00:16:59.000 with vintage Ben humor, but something about the phrasing felt practiced. 278 00:16:59.399 --> 00:17:01.840 I finished the meal asking if he wanted to join 279 00:17:01.840 --> 00:17:04.119 me for a morning run, a bit of fresh air 280 00:17:04.160 --> 00:17:08.240 before the week started. Another time Babe swamped to morrow. 281 00:17:09.359 --> 00:17:13.319 Another time came and went. Work stacked up for both 282 00:17:13.359 --> 00:17:16.359 of us, a sudden three project crushed for me, a 283 00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:20.680 campaign launched for Ben. We slept later eight, standing up 284 00:17:20.920 --> 00:17:25.160 and communicated, mostly in calender reminders and texts about groceries. 285 00:17:26.200 --> 00:17:28.279 I offered to help him polish a pitch deck for 286 00:17:28.319 --> 00:17:31.920 the big client. After all, I'd worked in branding too, 287 00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:34.599 and once he'd have jumped at the chance to show off, 288 00:17:34.799 --> 00:17:38.359 looping me into a late night pizza fueled brainstorm. This 289 00:17:38.519 --> 00:17:42.319 time he turned prickly. I've got it. These clients like 290 00:17:42.359 --> 00:17:46.839 a certain process. Too late, notice the air went tight. 291 00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:50.559 I tried to retreat, offered tea, suggested a night off, 292 00:17:50.640 --> 00:17:55.079 but he brushed past, closing his laptop. After that, nothing 293 00:17:55.200 --> 00:17:59.480 was explicit, but I noticed more things. Ben's jim sessions 294 00:17:59.480 --> 00:18:02.799 stretched off longer, his jim bags stuffed with clothes. I 295 00:18:02.839 --> 00:18:06.519 didn't recognize texts pinging at odd hours from numbers not 296 00:18:06.599 --> 00:18:10.279 in my phone, and his phone always angled away, as 297 00:18:10.279 --> 00:18:13.920 if the light itself was an intrusion. At first, I 298 00:18:13.960 --> 00:18:16.000 thought maybe it was all just a big work push. 299 00:18:16.400 --> 00:18:20.480 People evolve right, schedules shift, new friends enter the scene, 300 00:18:20.680 --> 00:18:25.359 styles up date inside joke's fade, But each change felt deliberate, 301 00:18:25.640 --> 00:18:27.400 like he was moving one foot at a time out 302 00:18:27.400 --> 00:18:30.000 of the patterns we'd built. Our place was still full 303 00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:34.200 of artifacts, live show fliers on the fridge, grinning polaraids, 304 00:18:34.440 --> 00:18:38.839 the thrift shop painting we rescued together months ago. Everything 305 00:18:38.880 --> 00:18:42.640 looked the same, but the air felt different, muted, tense, 306 00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:45.000 as if I was waiting for a punch line that 307 00:18:45.079 --> 00:18:49.160 never came. Sometimes I almost caught myself believing it would 308 00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:51.960 level out, that these were just the growing pains of 309 00:18:51.960 --> 00:18:55.960 an ambitious couple in a busy city. Two jobs, two calendars, 310 00:18:56.000 --> 00:18:59.799 not enough time. Sometimes I could almost ignore the itch, 311 00:19:00.519 --> 00:19:04.039 But sometimes I'd glance up while Ben was talking and 312 00:19:04.079 --> 00:19:07.200 see that shimmer of something hidden quick behind the eyes. 313 00:19:08.319 --> 00:19:11.960 Our fifth anniversary snuck up. I spent an afternoon designing 314 00:19:12.000 --> 00:19:15.759 a playful logo for us, our nicknames spelled in sharp script, 315 00:19:16.000 --> 00:19:19.759 a call back to our first inside joke. Ben loved it, 316 00:19:20.039 --> 00:19:23.759 or said he did, but didn't plan anything special. Let's 317 00:19:23.759 --> 00:19:26.559 get through the pitch, he promised. Then we'll take a 318 00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:29.359 weekend off, maybe head up to Milwaukee, just the two 319 00:19:29.359 --> 00:19:33.240 of us. It sounded like hope, and I believed it 320 00:19:33.319 --> 00:19:36.559 for half a second. He was home late that night. 321 00:19:37.079 --> 00:19:41.039 I waited, scrolling through photos of our last getaway, wanting 322 00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:44.599 to recapture something, something simple, just his hand on my 323 00:19:44.680 --> 00:19:47.920 knee as we wound down Lake Shore Drive, A picture 324 00:19:47.960 --> 00:19:50.480 of him laughing at a roadside diner in a shirt 325 00:19:50.599 --> 00:19:54.799 he'd surely never wear now. Then another evening, as I 326 00:19:54.839 --> 00:19:57.799 came in from a client meeting, Ben breezed past me. 327 00:19:57.880 --> 00:20:02.200 In the kitchen. You're working later, ag, I teased, voice casual. 328 00:20:03.200 --> 00:20:07.000 He flashed a smile, Agency's death march. Don't wait up. 329 00:20:07.359 --> 00:20:10.240 The phrase shot through me. I tried to brush it off, 330 00:20:10.279 --> 00:20:13.920 made tea, and slept alone. The next morning, he was 331 00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:18.039 up before me, making perfect coffee, acting like everything was 332 00:20:18.079 --> 00:20:21.799 as it should be. This limbo stretched on for days, 333 00:20:21.880 --> 00:20:26.200 then weeks. My dreams scrambled a muddle of past and present. 334 00:20:26.640 --> 00:20:29.480 Waking up certain Ben was in the other room, only 335 00:20:29.519 --> 00:20:32.640 to remember he'd never come home the night before. I 336 00:20:32.720 --> 00:20:35.839 told myself it was the city noise, the caffeine, the 337 00:20:35.920 --> 00:20:40.640 lingering work pressure. One cold Monday, I woke before dawn 338 00:20:40.680 --> 00:20:43.160 and found Ben in the living room asleep in his 339 00:20:43.279 --> 00:20:47.079 jim clothes. Laptops still glowing on the ottoman. I moved 340 00:20:47.079 --> 00:20:49.200 to close it and caught a glimpse of a slack 341 00:20:49.279 --> 00:20:54.119 thread titled Tea Parker Agency Explorers. The last few messages 342 00:20:54.160 --> 00:20:58.599 were filled with inside jokes and little memes. Ben roused, sleep, 343 00:20:58.640 --> 00:21:01.480 bleary and soft, pulling the laptop out of my reach 344 00:21:01.559 --> 00:21:06.640 almost reflexively. He blinked, what ray you doing up? No edge, 345 00:21:06.720 --> 00:21:11.079 just confusion. I couldn't sleep. I said you should come 346 00:21:11.119 --> 00:21:15.680 to bed. He joined me, arms folded tight around himself, 347 00:21:15.920 --> 00:21:20.039 already half elsewhere. I raided more of our shared calendar. 348 00:21:20.440 --> 00:21:24.960 There were dinners, drinks, client obligations, almost always bookended by 349 00:21:25.000 --> 00:21:29.240 decompressing with a walk or extra Jim. When I gently 350 00:21:29.240 --> 00:21:32.799 suggested reviving our old habit of Saturday morning market runs, 351 00:21:33.119 --> 00:21:36.559 he claimed a backlog of emails or once an urgent 352 00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:40.279 run for groceries we didn't need. It was a ritual 353 00:21:40.319 --> 00:21:43.279 that finally broke through. The Wednesday night we used to 354 00:21:43.319 --> 00:21:46.359 set aside for pizza and a show, a throwback to 355 00:21:46.440 --> 00:21:50.960 our second date. This time ben bylaid entirely, sighting back 356 00:21:51.000 --> 00:21:55.000 to back client calls. I ate my pizza alone, Netflix 357 00:21:55.079 --> 00:21:58.000 humming in the background without him. I told myself it 358 00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:01.799 didn't matter, but that old ache in my chest suggested otherwise. 359 00:22:02.920 --> 00:22:05.559 Later that week, ben forded me a photo from his 360 00:22:05.680 --> 00:22:09.519 agency dinner group shot a crowded table, his coworkers on 361 00:22:09.559 --> 00:22:13.480 either side, smiles wide in the middle. Slightly out of focus, 362 00:22:13.759 --> 00:22:16.680 sat that same woman from the hideout photo, this time 363 00:22:16.720 --> 00:22:19.440 with her head tipped toward ben Mouth's mid laugh, her 364 00:22:19.480 --> 00:22:23.039 hand up in a blurry wave. Tara, Now I had 365 00:22:23.079 --> 00:22:26.759 a name when I asked, so, Tara's the main client. 366 00:22:27.119 --> 00:22:30.799 Ben nodded, a little too quickly runs the whole account. 367 00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:35.119 She's sharp, kind of intense, I asked. She seems cool. 368 00:22:35.480 --> 00:22:40.279 You two get along, Just curiosity, I told myself. Ben nodded, 369 00:22:40.400 --> 00:22:44.960 eyes flickering. She's got strong opinions, keeps everyone on their toes. 370 00:22:46.079 --> 00:22:49.799 I smiled, reaching for reassurance, but got only a thin 371 00:22:49.960 --> 00:22:54.480 slice of his attention. Even my sleep fractured. I dreamt 372 00:22:54.519 --> 00:22:58.599 of loud bars, strange women talking in riddles, Ben slipping 373 00:22:58.599 --> 00:23:01.240 out the back exit. I'd wake up, unsure if I 374 00:23:01.319 --> 00:23:05.559 was angry, sad, or just tired. Late one night, I 375 00:23:05.599 --> 00:23:09.960 googled Tara's full name. Her LinkedIn glowed with agency accolades, 376 00:23:10.160 --> 00:23:15.039 stylish photos, branded events under her highlights. I found photos 377 00:23:15.079 --> 00:23:17.720 of her and Ben at concerts, at a branded whiskey 378 00:23:17.799 --> 00:23:21.880 launch never just as colleagues. I scrolled through months, piecing 379 00:23:21.920 --> 00:23:25.759 together an informal record of dinners, drinks, and late night outings. 380 00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:30.559 My pulse quickened, still, I wasn't certain every bit of 381 00:23:30.640 --> 00:23:35.039 evidence could be written off as coincidence, professionalism, a peculiarly 382 00:23:35.119 --> 00:23:40.240 close client relationship, or maybe not. One evening, Ben came 383 00:23:40.319 --> 00:23:43.720 home earlier than usual, gifts in tow a quassa from 384 00:23:43.759 --> 00:23:46.880 my favorite place, an apology for being a zombie lately. 385 00:23:47.640 --> 00:23:51.119 I almost melted at his simple effort, some buried hope flaring. 386 00:23:51.559 --> 00:23:54.759 We talked about nothing about the city, about his plans 387 00:23:54.799 --> 00:23:56.960 for us to finally escape on a trip. When the 388 00:23:57.000 --> 00:24:01.119 work tornado cleared the next morning, I almost texted Jess, 389 00:24:01.400 --> 00:24:05.039 ready to laugh at my own paranoia. But that night, 390 00:24:05.119 --> 00:24:08.039 as I folded laundry, I saw a brown bag from 391 00:24:08.079 --> 00:24:11.599 Wilder and Wilder, another boutique Ben had never set foot in. 392 00:24:12.119 --> 00:24:15.079 Inside was a receipt two scarves, one with a note 393 00:24:15.160 --> 00:24:19.319 to Tea, hope this brings you luck. Ben grinned, nonchalant 394 00:24:19.799 --> 00:24:23.440 client birthday, he said, spinning the story. Almost before I 395 00:24:23.559 --> 00:24:28.480 was done reading. I started to catalog the contradictions, the shoes, 396 00:24:28.599 --> 00:24:32.599 the changed routines, the scarf, the perfume. Not outright lies, 397 00:24:32.920 --> 00:24:36.440 but a mosaic of little shifts, each one explainable yet 398 00:24:36.440 --> 00:24:41.640 collectively deeply strange. Sometimes Ben was extra warm, attentive, like 399 00:24:41.720 --> 00:24:45.359 he'd missed me. Other Times he was distracted, buried in 400 00:24:45.480 --> 00:24:49.400 work or lost in his phone. I mentioned Jess's band 401 00:24:49.440 --> 00:24:54.519