WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.359 on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:12.400 Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on 5 00:00:12.439 --> 00:00:15.960 the iHeartRadio App. And remember, we will continue to keep 6 00:00:15.960 --> 00:00:19.280 you informed about the Los Angeles protest in their third 7 00:00:19.359 --> 00:00:23.480 day now, where the National Guard troops have had tense 8 00:00:23.640 --> 00:00:27.559 standoffs with protesters. The governor and Mayor Bass have been 9 00:00:27.679 --> 00:00:31.120 involved calling for order. We are going to continue to 10 00:00:31.199 --> 00:00:35.479 cover this as we return to my content my show, 11 00:00:35.880 --> 00:00:39.280 which is about the science of love. We are answering 12 00:00:40.000 --> 00:00:44.600 your relationship questions sent to me via direct message on 13 00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:47.000 my instagram if you want to send me a message. 14 00:00:47.039 --> 00:00:50.359 The instagram is at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. 15 00:00:51.119 --> 00:00:56.079 All right, dear Doctor Wendy, My girlfriend gets really flirty 16 00:00:56.119 --> 00:00:58.840 when we go out. She says she's just being friendly. 17 00:00:59.240 --> 00:01:03.119 But I feel comfortable. Should I speak up or let 18 00:01:03.119 --> 00:01:05.719 it go? Where are you gonna let it go to? 19 00:01:06.560 --> 00:01:08.760 I just want to say that it's still gonna be there. 20 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:12.400 You're gonna observe it, You're gonna have feelings with it. Yes, 21 00:01:12.480 --> 00:01:16.560 you should speak up. Here's the problem. People are afraid 22 00:01:16.599 --> 00:01:19.280 to speak up about when they see somebody being flirty 23 00:01:19.640 --> 00:01:23.079 because they think it's gonna make them look weak and insecure, Like, baby, 24 00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:25.560 why are you always flirting with the other guys? I 25 00:01:25.560 --> 00:01:28.760 don't like that. Uh, But there are other ways to 26 00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:32.879 say it, like, hey, so you're in a committed a 27 00:01:32.920 --> 00:01:35.920 relationship with me, and oh, by the way, you have 28 00:01:35.959 --> 00:01:38.959 to comment on something actual, concrete. You can't do a 29 00:01:39.000 --> 00:01:41.480 general I think you're flirty. Whenever we go out, should 30 00:01:41.480 --> 00:01:43.640 be like, I'm not flirty. When do you mean I'm flirty? 31 00:01:43.920 --> 00:01:47.959 You have to literally say. The other night, when we 32 00:01:47.959 --> 00:01:50.879 were at that restaurant and you were chatting for a 33 00:01:50.920 --> 00:01:54.400 long time with Chad, I noticed that you were very 34 00:01:54.400 --> 00:01:57.079 close in his personal space, and when you would comment 35 00:01:57.120 --> 00:02:00.959 and laugh, you would touch him. This looked kind of flirtatious, 36 00:02:01.000 --> 00:02:03.159 and I think he could have gotten the wrong idea 37 00:02:03.200 --> 00:02:06.959 from you because we're in a committed relationship. I also 38 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:11.240 feel it was a little disrespectful to me, So let's 39 00:02:11.240 --> 00:02:14.599 talk about your behavior in public. If you don't want 40 00:02:14.599 --> 00:02:17.560 to be in this relationship in public, then we need 41 00:02:17.599 --> 00:02:21.800 to talk about that. Right, that's the conversation that needs 42 00:02:21.840 --> 00:02:25.680 to have there. Okay, it doesn't look weak to say 43 00:02:26.039 --> 00:02:28.800 I felt a little disrespected. That's not okay, And I 44 00:02:28.840 --> 00:02:32.919 think you're misleading people around you, right, all right, moving 45 00:02:33.039 --> 00:02:36.360 along into the dms. Oh, here's one I like this one. 46 00:02:37.159 --> 00:02:41.560 Dear doctor Wendy, My partner's best friend. Partner's best friend 47 00:02:42.080 --> 00:02:47.159 is someone, Oh he used to hook up with. Uh huh, 48 00:02:47.240 --> 00:02:50.479 he says it's in the past. Am I wrong for 49 00:02:50.599 --> 00:02:56.599 feeling uneasy about that? This is like the question I 50 00:02:56.639 --> 00:03:01.400 answered earlier? Is this person still their emotional I mean, 51 00:03:01.879 --> 00:03:04.439 there's so much research to show that usually a physical 52 00:03:04.439 --> 00:03:08.560 affair affair causes less damage to a relationship than an 53 00:03:08.560 --> 00:03:09.599 emotional affair. 54 00:03:10.400 --> 00:03:11.520 So that's really the question. 55 00:03:12.960 --> 00:03:18.319 Do you worry that he's betraying secrecies, intimacies about your 56 00:03:18.360 --> 00:03:21.840 relationship with that person? Right, that's what you have to 57 00:03:21.879 --> 00:03:28.960 ask yourself. Where is his emotional lifeline? And this question 58 00:03:29.080 --> 00:03:31.479 so many people ask us, am I wrong for feeling 59 00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:36.360 just that sentence shouldn't exist in English language. No feelings 60 00:03:36.439 --> 00:03:40.000 are right or wrong, No feelings are good or bad. 61 00:03:40.520 --> 00:03:44.360 They're just messengers telling you something. They're telling you that 62 00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:47.319 this isn't right for you. It doesn't sit well with you, 63 00:03:47.639 --> 00:03:48.960 So you need to bring it up. 64 00:03:50.199 --> 00:03:50.599 All right? 65 00:03:51.159 --> 00:03:54.840 Moving along, Dear doctor Wendy. I feel like I'm always 66 00:03:54.919 --> 00:03:59.360 giving in this relationship. I'm giving emotionally, I'm giving, financially, 67 00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:03.520 I'm giving everything. How do I bring it up without 68 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:04.840 starting a fight? 69 00:04:05.080 --> 00:04:07.599 Oh? Oh, this is a can of worms. 70 00:04:08.599 --> 00:04:11.599 Everything I needed to know about you I learned in 71 00:04:11.639 --> 00:04:15.159 this last sentence. How do I bring it up without 72 00:04:15.199 --> 00:04:22.160 starting a fight? Your fear of conflict, which ultimately could 73 00:04:22.240 --> 00:04:28.720 lead to abandonment. Your fear of abandonment is bigger than 74 00:04:28.839 --> 00:04:34.600 your fear of stating your needs. Right. You are so 75 00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:37.680 afraid that there's going to be an explosive fight and 76 00:04:37.759 --> 00:04:40.399 it'll all be over, that you're just going to give 77 00:04:40.480 --> 00:04:43.199 and give and give and what Just be in love 78 00:04:43.240 --> 00:04:46.199 with hope. Just be in love with hope. Like we 79 00:04:46.399 --> 00:04:50.759 talked about earlier, the witness named Jane from the p 80 00:04:50.920 --> 00:04:55.519 Didty trial. She gave and gave and gave to the 81 00:04:55.519 --> 00:04:59.519 point where she was a broken, broken person because she 82 00:04:59.600 --> 00:05:02.839 didn't want to lose Sean P. 83 00:05:03.000 --> 00:05:04.160 Diddy. 84 00:05:04.319 --> 00:05:06.480 So how much are you going to give? When are 85 00:05:06.480 --> 00:05:09.480 you going to grow backbone? When you're going to grow boundary? 86 00:05:10.040 --> 00:05:11.480 When are you going to be able to know that 87 00:05:12.040 --> 00:05:18.240 it's okay if takers leave right, it's okay, It's okay 88 00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:18.600 to fight. 89 00:05:19.399 --> 00:05:19.680 You know what. 90 00:05:19.720 --> 00:05:22.920 There's healthy fighting too, and healthy conflict. Once you learn 91 00:05:22.959 --> 00:05:25.800 that and set up some boundaries, then you'll be able 92 00:05:25.839 --> 00:05:28.560 to have a healthy relationship. But sitting around waiting and 93 00:05:28.600 --> 00:05:30.639 being in love with hope, hope that they'll change, hope 94 00:05:30.680 --> 00:05:34.879 that they'll start giving, is going to do nothing. So okay, 95 00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:38.560 I will answer one question, how do I bring it up? 96 00:05:39.240 --> 00:05:41.079 I'm going to eliminate the second part of that question 97 00:05:41.160 --> 00:05:43.079 without starting a fight because you have no idea what 98 00:05:43.079 --> 00:05:44.879 the reaction is going to be, So just how do 99 00:05:44.959 --> 00:05:47.360 I bring it up? Will you bring it up? When 100 00:05:47.399 --> 00:05:51.600 both of you are calm, well rested, not hungry and hungry, angry, 101 00:05:51.680 --> 00:05:54.959 lonely or tired, and you sit down as a good 102 00:05:54.959 --> 00:05:59.079 moment and you say, it feels like I give a 103 00:05:59.120 --> 00:06:02.720 lot in this relationship emotionally and financially and name some 104 00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:06.920 other things, and I'm wondering when you're going to reciprocate 105 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:10.639 that's all you do? Will there be a fight? Maybe 106 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:15.279 because takers are trying to make you feel bad about 107 00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:16.959 having feelings, just say it. 108 00:06:17.800 --> 00:06:19.560 Good luck to you. You should bring it up. 109 00:06:19.800 --> 00:06:21.639 And if you have to move along to somebody who's 110 00:06:21.680 --> 00:06:25.800 not such a taker, that's a great idea. All right, 111 00:06:25.839 --> 00:06:28.560 I think we have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy. 112 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:33.040 Every time I succeed at something, my boyfriend seems weirdly 113 00:06:33.079 --> 00:06:36.639 distant and called, Oh, is that jealousy or am I 114 00:06:36.680 --> 00:06:37.639 reading into it? No? 115 00:06:37.959 --> 00:06:40.920 Yeah, it's his own insecurity. That's what it is. He 116 00:06:41.279 --> 00:06:45.839 is insecure. So yeah, I'm sorry. 117 00:06:46.160 --> 00:06:48.480 You've got to bring it up in that way, Like say, 118 00:06:48.519 --> 00:06:51.120 I noticed that when I accomplished this or I did that, 119 00:06:51.519 --> 00:06:56.879 it felt like you really, you know, uh didn't really 120 00:06:57.160 --> 00:07:00.560 praise me for it, or you felt intimidated or something. 121 00:07:00.759 --> 00:07:03.720 Can you tell me what your feelings were around that? Right? 122 00:07:04.199 --> 00:07:06.560 I remember one time I had a boyfriend. He was 123 00:07:06.600 --> 00:07:09.480 in the restaurant business, and I literally said I was 124 00:07:09.519 --> 00:07:12.040 driving my bike on the bike path in La and 125 00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:14.480 there was this restaurant that was going out of business, 126 00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:16.920 and I literally said to him, oh my god, that. 127 00:07:17.000 --> 00:07:18.279 Is such a pretty location. 128 00:07:18.839 --> 00:07:22.800 And I had just gotten through culinary school and I said, ah, 129 00:07:22.959 --> 00:07:25.319 I dream of opening a little restaurant like that. 130 00:07:25.839 --> 00:07:26.920 He got so mad. 131 00:07:27.319 --> 00:07:30.639 He goes, I'm a professional restauranteur and you're telling me. 132 00:07:31.079 --> 00:07:33.079 He goes like me saying, I'm going to go be 133 00:07:33.120 --> 00:07:36.439 a news anchor. And I said, well, if you wanted 134 00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:38.319 to and that was your passion, I would hear you 135 00:07:38.360 --> 00:07:42.040 on for that. So weird, he felt so insecure. I 136 00:07:42.040 --> 00:07:43.839 guess he was afraid I was going to open up 137 00:07:43.839 --> 00:07:48.800 a restaurant that would do better than him his Who knows. Hey, 138 00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:51.519 when we come back, let us talk about the most 139 00:07:51.639 --> 00:07:55.959 joyful and hard work on the planet, and that is 140 00:07:56.519 --> 00:08:01.079 the hard work of love. Listening to the Doctor Wendy 141 00:08:01.079 --> 00:08:04.319 Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere 142 00:08:04.360 --> 00:08:05.600 on the iHeartRadio app. 143 00:08:06.720 --> 00:08:10.920 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 144 00:08:11.120 --> 00:08:12.079 AM six forty. 145 00:08:13.439 --> 00:08:15.800 Welcome back to the Doctor Lindey Walls Show. I'm ki 146 00:08:16.040 --> 00:08:19.720 AM six forty, live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 147 00:08:20.319 --> 00:08:22.639 You know, one time I was going through a you know, 148 00:08:22.839 --> 00:08:26.759 at Gelson's, the cashier, and it was just before Thanksgiving, 149 00:08:27.240 --> 00:08:29.480 and there was an older lady in front of me. 150 00:08:29.639 --> 00:08:31.959 I was like a young single mom, and I was 151 00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:34.840 feeling overwhelmed with all the turkey and the side dishes 152 00:08:34.879 --> 00:08:38.639 and whatever, and she had all her stuff for Thanksgiving 153 00:08:38.840 --> 00:08:42.240 and I just made a comment to create commonality what 154 00:08:42.399 --> 00:08:44.919 you do as strangers in public. And I said, oh, 155 00:08:45.039 --> 00:08:49.279 it's so much work for Thanksgiving and she said, oh, dear, 156 00:08:49.720 --> 00:08:53.039 but it's joyful work, isn't it. And I thought, wow, 157 00:08:53.519 --> 00:08:57.440 there's some work that can be joyful this week. Well, 158 00:08:57.480 --> 00:08:59.840 And actually I did it over the course of a 159 00:09:00.200 --> 00:09:03.159 weeks because it took so long. I dug out all 160 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:06.720 the poop in my goat pen and power washed it 161 00:09:07.080 --> 00:09:08.799 and put fresh shavings down. I'm going to do it 162 00:09:08.799 --> 00:09:10.559 every month from now on because it's so great that 163 00:09:10.600 --> 00:09:13.840 it's so clean. And I was sweating just taking the 164 00:09:13.879 --> 00:09:16.200 wheelbarrow full of you know what to. 165 00:09:16.200 --> 00:09:17.240 The compost pile. 166 00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:23.080 It was so much physical labor, but it was joyful work, right. 167 00:09:23.200 --> 00:09:26.879 I was taking care of my kids, literally kids on 168 00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:33.600 baby goats. So sometimes hard work can be joyful, and 169 00:09:33.720 --> 00:09:39.000 probably no better kind of joyful hard work than the 170 00:09:39.000 --> 00:09:42.639 work of love. People will say about their relationships, you know, oh, 171 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:47.240 you know, relationships are work. Yeah, they do take work. 172 00:09:48.879 --> 00:09:51.960 So let's talk about what kind of work we're talking about, 173 00:09:51.960 --> 00:09:53.639 you know, the biggest work. 174 00:09:53.679 --> 00:09:55.600 And I hear people when I say, oh, why did 175 00:09:55.639 --> 00:09:57.799 you break up? Over? Why did you divorce? What happened? 176 00:09:58.279 --> 00:10:01.759 They throw this blanket word out that is supposed to 177 00:10:01.799 --> 00:10:06.240 explain their entire marriage and the downfall. And that blanket 178 00:10:06.279 --> 00:10:10.720 word is communication. We just have bad communication. Well, nearly 179 00:10:10.759 --> 00:10:14.679 half of all adults and relationships say that they really 180 00:10:14.759 --> 00:10:20.279 do struggle to express their emotional needs. And the research 181 00:10:20.360 --> 00:10:24.720 is clear silence can sap connection over time. 182 00:10:25.279 --> 00:10:25.480 Right. 183 00:10:27.360 --> 00:10:29.480 I've had women say to me, you know what, I 184 00:10:29.559 --> 00:10:32.720 just stopped trying because I was so exhausted because my 185 00:10:32.759 --> 00:10:38.159 partner just kept tuning out. Right, So let's talk about 186 00:10:38.320 --> 00:10:41.720 some of the mindsets that you may have that may 187 00:10:41.840 --> 00:10:44.240 hurt your love life. And then let's talk about a 188 00:10:44.240 --> 00:10:48.120 prescription of what I think the good work, the joyful 189 00:10:48.200 --> 00:10:53.200 work of love is. So the first bad mindset is 190 00:10:53.240 --> 00:10:54.679 this idea about destiny. 191 00:10:55.159 --> 00:10:55.799 I'm sorry. 192 00:10:56.480 --> 00:11:00.840 According to research from the University of Baselos who believe 193 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:05.600 in soulmates are actually more satisfied wait for it, wait 194 00:11:05.639 --> 00:11:09.519 for it at the beginning of their relationship. But for 195 00:11:09.639 --> 00:11:13.879 people who treat their relationships as a work in progress, 196 00:11:14.639 --> 00:11:16.879 they're more content in the long run. 197 00:11:17.080 --> 00:11:19.639 Ooh, I like this all right? 198 00:11:19.679 --> 00:11:23.559 Here's another thing that can another thought mindset that can 199 00:11:23.639 --> 00:11:27.960 hurt your love life. Thinking that the emotional labor imbalance 200 00:11:28.039 --> 00:11:33.960 is okay, right, this idea that women hold all the 201 00:11:34.000 --> 00:11:38.279 emotional keys, that women should bear the emotional load alone. 202 00:11:38.720 --> 00:11:40.200 Believe it or not, it. 203 00:11:40.120 --> 00:11:44.519 Wasn't until recent decades that we started going, oh, so 204 00:11:44.840 --> 00:11:51.639 dudes have feelings. Oh so dudes can express their feelings. Wow, 205 00:11:51.759 --> 00:11:54.879 they just need to learn the words. Now, I will say, 206 00:11:54.879 --> 00:11:58.279 if you're one of those feeling dudes who's always been 207 00:11:58.279 --> 00:12:03.320 a good communicator, you My husband, I think has always 208 00:12:03.320 --> 00:12:05.000 been that way. He says he hasn't. He said, it's 209 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:06.279 something he learned in recent years. 210 00:12:06.279 --> 00:12:06.840 So there you go. 211 00:12:06.960 --> 00:12:10.960 You can't teach an old dog nutrix. So there's also 212 00:12:11.360 --> 00:12:15.960 this emotional labor imbalance. But there's also the equality trap, 213 00:12:16.120 --> 00:12:19.519 and that's the physical labor imbalance. If you believe in 214 00:12:19.559 --> 00:12:23.240 this day and age that one gender should I'll just 215 00:12:23.240 --> 00:12:25.799 stop right there at the words should one gender should 216 00:12:26.120 --> 00:12:29.720 and the other gender should do anything, You're gonna have 217 00:12:29.720 --> 00:12:31.480 problems in your relationship and the work is going to 218 00:12:31.519 --> 00:12:33.039 be very difficult. 219 00:12:33.360 --> 00:12:33.519 Right. 220 00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:38.279 The final thing is people believe they need to sacrifice 221 00:12:38.279 --> 00:12:43.960 for love. Now, compromise for love, sure, but sacrifice. You're 222 00:12:44.039 --> 00:12:47.120 suddenly romanticizing being a martyr. 223 00:12:47.799 --> 00:12:48.039 Right. 224 00:12:48.600 --> 00:12:50.919 You need to learn how to get your how to 225 00:12:50.960 --> 00:12:53.559 express your needs. First of all, how to believe that 226 00:12:53.600 --> 00:12:56.919 your needs are worthy and be able to express them. 227 00:12:57.559 --> 00:13:00.960 All Right, So let's talk about a bullet prove prescription 228 00:13:01.600 --> 00:13:05.200 for what you can do to do the healthy work 229 00:13:05.320 --> 00:13:10.639 of love. First of all, shift your mindset. Cupid didn't 230 00:13:10.679 --> 00:13:13.720 come down with his bow. You weren't anointed by a 231 00:13:13.759 --> 00:13:19.080 fairy glitter. It didn't just happen. Your partnership is like 232 00:13:19.120 --> 00:13:22.240 a garden. It's not a fairy tale. You got to 233 00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:24.840 plant importancy. You gotta water, You got to fertilize it. 234 00:13:25.159 --> 00:13:29.919 And don't only water the weeds because then they grow bigger. Also, 235 00:13:30.159 --> 00:13:33.000 I know you think it sounds unromantic, but you have 236 00:13:33.039 --> 00:13:38.600 to schedule your connection. Research shows that you need to 237 00:13:38.639 --> 00:13:42.919 spend Are you sitting down. It's not a big number 238 00:13:42.960 --> 00:13:45.519 to me, It might sound like a big number to you. 239 00:13:46.360 --> 00:13:49.919 About six hours a week, six hours a week just 240 00:13:49.960 --> 00:13:52.480 focusing on your relationship. That doesn't mean going to a 241 00:13:52.480 --> 00:13:54.600 movie together and counting those two hours in the theater 242 00:13:54.679 --> 00:13:57.440 as your relationship. I mean talking to each other one 243 00:13:57.440 --> 00:14:00.639 on one that's a little less than an hour a day, 244 00:14:01.080 --> 00:14:05.840 okay for emotional check ins, planning time together, and during 245 00:14:05.879 --> 00:14:10.879 this scheduling of connections, hopefully there's some physical touch going on. 246 00:14:11.639 --> 00:14:15.240 And when you are communicating, you want to be using 247 00:14:15.320 --> 00:14:19.639 those feel words. I feel you know when X happens, 248 00:14:20.399 --> 00:14:22.559 I feel this, don't say you make me feel no, 249 00:14:22.639 --> 00:14:24.720 because nobody can make you have a feeling. You have 250 00:14:24.759 --> 00:14:27.440 your own honest feelings that came you deserve to have them. Great, 251 00:14:27.600 --> 00:14:30.759 somebody made you have a feeling. So when X happens, 252 00:14:31.000 --> 00:14:34.360 I feel this, how could we find a solution or 253 00:14:34.360 --> 00:14:36.360 would you be willing to change this so that I 254 00:14:36.360 --> 00:14:41.879 wouldn't feel so bad? That's how healthy people communicate right. Also, 255 00:14:42.200 --> 00:14:47.600 check your tone, Be calm, be respectful. Remember how much 256 00:14:47.879 --> 00:14:50.279 you loved this person when you first began to date. 257 00:14:50.759 --> 00:14:54.120 Remember how special they were to you, So stop blaming 258 00:14:54.120 --> 00:14:58.919 them and calling them names. Be gentle. They are somebody's child. 259 00:14:59.440 --> 00:15:05.120 Their heart is in your hands. Also, don't demand you 260 00:15:05.240 --> 00:15:08.440 need to I want you to do more of No no, no, no, no, 261 00:15:09.039 --> 00:15:13.679 How about asking would you consider doing this or how 262 00:15:13.720 --> 00:15:15.840 would you feel if we did this? Right? 263 00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:18.320 Try to get them in touch with their feelings. Right. 264 00:15:19.480 --> 00:15:22.240 Also, I say this all the time. Acknowledge them, Acknowledge them, 265 00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:25.399 Acknowledge them, their efforts, their efforts, their efter Thank you 266 00:15:25.440 --> 00:15:27.720 for texting, thank you for letting me know, thank you 267 00:15:27.799 --> 00:15:30.039 for doing that. Oh I so respect that you did that. 268 00:15:30.039 --> 00:15:33.720 That is amazing. I feel like I thank Julio for 269 00:15:33.799 --> 00:15:40.200 things all day long. Let me tell you something. Relationships 270 00:15:40.279 --> 00:15:46.799 don't thrive on magic, fairy dust, Cupid's bow, the planets aligning, 271 00:15:47.480 --> 00:15:53.279 soulmates finding each other. They are an exchange of care 272 00:15:54.240 --> 00:16:00.600 and they thrive on consistent care, honest communication. Oh and 273 00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:04.039 that big one empathy. So it's not about those big 274 00:16:04.080 --> 00:16:07.480 grand gestures. It's just about showing up for about an 275 00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:11.879 hour a day and focusing on your relationship. That is 276 00:16:11.919 --> 00:16:14.879 the joyful work of love. So if you're looking for 277 00:16:15.000 --> 00:16:19.480 ideas of how to invest in your relationship, when we 278 00:16:19.519 --> 00:16:21.799 come back, let's talk about a new trend that is 279 00:16:21.840 --> 00:16:22.440 happening with. 280 00:16:22.399 --> 00:16:24.759 Lots of couples called the arbitrary versary. 281 00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:27.080 Let's talk about it when we come back, and remember, 282 00:16:27.159 --> 00:16:30.120 we will continue to keep you informed about the Los 283 00:16:30.120 --> 00:16:33.919 Angeles protest in their third day now, where the National 284 00:16:33.960 --> 00:16:39.000 Guard troops have had tense standoffs with protesters. The governor 285 00:16:39.000 --> 00:16:42.440 and Mayor Bass have been involved calling for order. We 286 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:45.399 are going to continue to cover this. You're listening to 287 00:16:45.399 --> 00:16:48.159 the Doctor Ndywall Show on KFI AM six forty. 288 00:16:48.159 --> 00:16:50.240 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. 289 00:16:50.840 --> 00:16:55.039 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 290 00:16:55.279 --> 00:16:56.240 AM six forty. 291 00:16:57.320 --> 00:16:59.720 Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendywall 292 00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:02.639 Show on kfive AM six forty. 293 00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:05.599 Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Don't forget that. 294 00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:10.039 Download the iHeartRadio App, then you search Dr Wendy Walsh 295 00:17:10.319 --> 00:17:13.400 and then there's this little button called the pre set button. 296 00:17:13.880 --> 00:17:16.480 You click on that and if you ever miss any 297 00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:18.480 part of the show, it doesn't matter. You just open 298 00:17:18.559 --> 00:17:20.839 that app and it'll go right to where you left 299 00:17:20.839 --> 00:17:24.160 off last time. It'll always be there because you're pre set. 300 00:17:24.400 --> 00:17:24.759 Get it. 301 00:17:25.279 --> 00:17:27.960 Dr Wendy Walls Show on the iHeartRadio App. We're talking 302 00:17:28.000 --> 00:17:29.680 about the science of love here on the Dr Wendy 303 00:17:29.720 --> 00:17:32.000 Walls Show. But that doesn't mean we're going to stop 304 00:17:32.079 --> 00:17:36.400 covering those important social unrest. The protests that are happening 305 00:17:36.440 --> 00:17:40.279 around Los Angeles have been happening for three days, there 306 00:17:40.279 --> 00:17:43.839 were ten standoups as you've been hearing, and the mayor 307 00:17:43.880 --> 00:17:46.240 and governor are doing their best to keep everything peaceful. 308 00:17:46.400 --> 00:17:48.720 We're going to continue to cover it throughout the night 309 00:17:48.920 --> 00:17:51.960 and tomorrow, so always stay tuned to KFI. But right now, 310 00:17:52.519 --> 00:17:56.000 let's talk about something that's important to all of us. 311 00:17:58.400 --> 00:18:02.519 Do you know what an arbitrary is? An arbitrary versary? Well, 312 00:18:02.519 --> 00:18:05.359 it's a mouthful, That's what it is. An arbitrary versary. 313 00:18:05.839 --> 00:18:11.039 It's like an anniversary arbitrarily like for any old reason. 314 00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:14.480 So it's a trend. Love these trends. 315 00:18:15.480 --> 00:18:21.160 Some couples are ditching the idea of celebrating traditional milestones. Now, 316 00:18:21.160 --> 00:18:22.640 if you've been listening to me for a while, you 317 00:18:22.720 --> 00:18:26.079 know that I do not like Hallmark holidays. I don't 318 00:18:26.160 --> 00:18:31.359 like forced anything, forced grieving awakes, I don't like forced 319 00:18:31.559 --> 00:18:34.599 celebration for no reason. Well, the calendar turned to a 320 00:18:34.640 --> 00:18:35.039 new year? 321 00:18:35.079 --> 00:18:35.880 Who invented that? 322 00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:36.200 When? 323 00:18:36.279 --> 00:18:37.880 Why are we drinking? What's happening? 324 00:18:38.279 --> 00:18:42.240 And I definitely don't love Valentine's Day because it's just 325 00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:46.319 pressure and it's designed to sell us things. So plenty 326 00:18:46.319 --> 00:18:50.759 of couples are now ditching some of these traditional milestones. 327 00:18:51.119 --> 00:18:51.720 For something. 328 00:18:52.200 --> 00:18:54.960 Well, I would say a little more playful, but if 329 00:18:55.000 --> 00:18:58.759 you think about it, it's actually more meaningful. And they're 330 00:18:58.799 --> 00:19:04.119 calling them arbitrary reversaries, so they could actually be good 331 00:19:04.680 --> 00:19:09.960 for your relationship. Let's talk about it. So examples might 332 00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:12.400 be like, I know that Julio and I do celebrate 333 00:19:12.440 --> 00:19:15.519 a lot of arbitrary versaries for no reason because he 334 00:19:15.640 --> 00:19:18.279 uses the word novelty. We need novelty, We need novelty 335 00:19:18.559 --> 00:19:21.440 because apparently he's been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh 336 00:19:21.519 --> 00:19:26.279 radio show and he knows that the research on long term, happy, 337 00:19:26.440 --> 00:19:31.720 relatively happy couples is that they never get stuck in routine, right, 338 00:19:31.759 --> 00:19:36.079 there's always this novelty that shows up. I've often said this, 339 00:19:36.160 --> 00:19:38.880 and I'm not talking about your sex life. Well, it 340 00:19:38.920 --> 00:19:41.319 could apply to your sex life. I mean, sometimes you 341 00:19:41.400 --> 00:19:43.279 just put your partner in a new room, in a 342 00:19:43.319 --> 00:19:45.279 new outfit and things get, you know. 343 00:19:45.319 --> 00:19:46.200 A little more spicy. 344 00:19:46.720 --> 00:19:51.880 But that also applies to emotionally doing something completely different 345 00:19:52.440 --> 00:19:55.519 with your partner. So one of the things that Julio 346 00:19:55.519 --> 00:19:58.160 and I have done, because we met during the COVID 347 00:19:58.200 --> 00:20:01.319 pandemic and we were on lockdown, is I made a 348 00:20:01.319 --> 00:20:03.960 lot of picnics. So we love to choose places we've 349 00:20:03.960 --> 00:20:08.759 never been before to just go picnic. And I can't 350 00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:10.160 pack surprising food. 351 00:20:10.559 --> 00:20:10.880 You know. 352 00:20:11.240 --> 00:20:14.000 He's got food anxiety. He's one of those that over 353 00:20:14.039 --> 00:20:15.960 my shoulder when I'm cooking, what's in that? What is 354 00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:16.319 that thing? 355 00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:17.480 I don't know if I can eat that. 356 00:20:18.160 --> 00:20:23.000 Literally, I have fed him things that he found delicious, 357 00:20:23.680 --> 00:20:26.039 but once I told him what was in it, he goes, 358 00:20:26.480 --> 00:20:28.440 why did you tell me? Now I can't eat it 359 00:20:28.599 --> 00:20:30.960 because I know it has mayonnaise in it. I'm like, 360 00:20:31.039 --> 00:20:34.480 for real, you tasted it, you liked it, and now 361 00:20:34.480 --> 00:20:39.839 you've decided you don't like it. Crazy, right, So but 362 00:20:39.920 --> 00:20:43.960 we do do picnics, no surprise food. One time we 363 00:20:44.000 --> 00:20:47.119 wanted to see Tina Fay and Amy Poehler and they 364 00:20:47.119 --> 00:20:50.400 were like four hundred dollars in Los Angeles, and then 365 00:20:50.440 --> 00:20:53.160 we saw that they were playing in Portland, which is 366 00:20:53.200 --> 00:20:55.960 about a four hour drive from my farm in Oregon, 367 00:20:56.079 --> 00:20:58.400 and he goes, let's just be up at your farm 368 00:20:58.400 --> 00:21:00.880 in organ Unlet's drive four hours to show where the 369 00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:02.759 kind of people would do that. We did sleep over 370 00:21:02.799 --> 00:21:05.039 at an airbnb, you know, but we made it a 371 00:21:05.039 --> 00:21:05.599 field trip. 372 00:21:05.640 --> 00:21:07.079 We made it an event. 373 00:21:08.960 --> 00:21:11.079 We love to do hikes to nowhere, like we just 374 00:21:11.079 --> 00:21:13.200 don't know where we're going, which is always fun and. 375 00:21:13.160 --> 00:21:14.319 Scary because you could get lost. 376 00:21:15.599 --> 00:21:20.400 And I make anniversary dinners out of a boring Tuesday night. 377 00:21:20.960 --> 00:21:23.160 I am one of those people. My mom raised me 378 00:21:23.200 --> 00:21:30.200 this way where I pull out the fine china, silver everything, 379 00:21:30.319 --> 00:21:34.480 the crystal, the table claws, I decorate with fresh flowers, 380 00:21:34.519 --> 00:21:36.920 I light a candle, I put quiet jazz or New 381 00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:39.559 York piano music on, and I make a fancy dinner 382 00:21:39.599 --> 00:21:42.519 at a meat loaf. I mean, I just like to 383 00:21:42.599 --> 00:21:45.759 create the whole ambience. That's my thing, and he likes 384 00:21:45.799 --> 00:21:52.720 it too. So how do these silly moments help our relationships? 385 00:21:52.799 --> 00:21:53.119 Well? 386 00:21:53.160 --> 00:21:57.599 According to one survey done by love Sense, they found 387 00:21:57.640 --> 00:22:00.440 that one in four couples say that most often they 388 00:22:00.480 --> 00:22:03.960 feel stuck in routine. Right, So if you take this 389 00:22:04.559 --> 00:22:07.759 arbitrary versary and make it a mini celebration, you can 390 00:22:07.920 --> 00:22:13.559 break monotony in your relationship and celebrating these tiny moments 391 00:22:14.079 --> 00:22:20.279 can actually help couples build connection and honoring everyday kindness. 392 00:22:20.319 --> 00:22:22.680 As I said, I've said this many many times. If 393 00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:23.680 you missed it, I'm gonna. 394 00:22:23.480 --> 00:22:23.960 Say it again. 395 00:22:24.599 --> 00:22:29.759 We need to express gratitude and appreciate our partners as 396 00:22:29.839 --> 00:22:35.759 much as possible. So there's also real scientific research. You know. 397 00:22:35.799 --> 00:22:38.359 My favorite research is the Marriage Lab up the University 398 00:22:38.359 --> 00:22:41.440 of Washington, John Gottman and his crew. They tell us 399 00:22:41.440 --> 00:22:45.839 that long term satisfaction doesn't come from those big grand gestures, 400 00:22:45.880 --> 00:22:50.160 certainly not from Valentine's Day. It comes from those consistent, 401 00:22:50.559 --> 00:22:56.400