WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.480 The Thursday trivia night at Elliot wasn't supposed to feel 2 00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:09.119 this strange. I was sitting in the booth, we claimed 3 00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:11.800 so many weeks before, legs tapped under me, pine glass 4 00:00:11.800 --> 00:00:14.519 sweating on to the warp work, surrounded by our friend's terror, 5 00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:16.719 and Nick across from me, Amy waving an arm as 6 00:00:16.719 --> 00:00:18.559 she strained to hear a glib answer to a nineties 7 00:00:18.600 --> 00:00:22.079 siscome question. At our best, this was us, not just 8 00:00:22.160 --> 00:00:25.399 a group, but Patten, Chris gross insults, competitive sparks, and 9 00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:27.640 Ben squeezing my knee under the table after getting a 10 00:00:27.719 --> 00:00:31.160 question right. Our friends called us the Trivipal Apple, partly 11 00:00:31.199 --> 00:00:34.200 because of Ben's absurd recall for random facts, partly because 12 00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:36.640 at least until lately, our chemistry was pretty much something 13 00:00:36.679 --> 00:00:40.280 to envy. But to night Ben wasn't here. A single 14 00:00:40.359 --> 00:00:42.560 chair was left empty between me and Amy, tilted away 15 00:00:42.560 --> 00:00:44.960 from the group, jacket draped over it, holding Ben's shape 16 00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:48.359 only by memory. The bartender, Paul nodded at me when 17 00:00:48.359 --> 00:00:51.240 I came in. Only one to night he'd asked, surprise 18 00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:54.359 gusting over his face before he recovered Ben had texted. 19 00:00:54.399 --> 00:00:57.600 At five twenty seven, urgent sight meeting came up might 20 00:00:57.679 --> 00:01:01.719 be late. Go ahead without me, Love you. The little 21 00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:04.239 hard mooji at the landed as a placeholder, not as 22 00:01:04.280 --> 00:01:07.079 an actual gesture. He'd only started adding that in the 23 00:01:07.079 --> 00:01:08.920 past month or so, after the first time I made 24 00:01:08.920 --> 00:01:12.040 a joke about his corporate romance skills. A little after 25 00:01:12.079 --> 00:01:15.599 trivia started, my phone buzzed again. I checked, half expecting 26 00:01:15.640 --> 00:01:18.239 Ben announcing he'd be free soon. Instead, it was a 27 00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:20.680 group photo three women and two men from Ben's work 28 00:01:20.760 --> 00:01:23.200 standing around the fruit ball table, all holding up bottles 29 00:01:23.239 --> 00:01:26.640 and grinning like idots. I glanced for Ben, didn't see him. 30 00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:29.719 Five minutes later, on Instagram's story from Rachael, blinked at 31 00:01:29.719 --> 00:01:31.280 the top of my screen a quick video of the 32 00:01:31.319 --> 00:01:34.280 team at a happy hour, cheersing their new project. The 33 00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:37.040 time stamp said five thirty seven, ten minutes after Ben's 34 00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:40.239 text to me blaming a sight meeting. I toggled back 35 00:01:40.280 --> 00:01:43.040 and forth, squaring the timelines in my mind, scouring the 36 00:01:43.040 --> 00:01:46.400 background for Ben's profile. Tara noticed miss quinting at my 37 00:01:46.439 --> 00:01:48.799 phone and nudge my rips. You are not allowed to 38 00:01:48.840 --> 00:01:51.959 google during trivia. It's like raw one. I must have 39 00:01:52.000 --> 00:01:54.319 looked a little haunted because Niksett is bew down and 40 00:01:54.400 --> 00:01:57.319 leaned toward me. Whorre's bend anyway, You two never let 41 00:01:57.400 --> 00:02:00.680 us down on movie themes, I explained, work meeting all 42 00:02:00.799 --> 00:02:03.879 very urgent. Probably wouldn't make it not a lie exactly, 43 00:02:04.079 --> 00:02:07.040 just a bit of cheerful routine. Amy groan. But he's 44 00:02:07.079 --> 00:02:09.039 our ringer. We're about to get slaid by the dudes 45 00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:13.479 from Table six. Paro grinned. He's probably surrendering on purpose, 46 00:02:13.639 --> 00:02:15.240 just to make it fair, you know, for the good 47 00:02:15.240 --> 00:02:18.159 of the league. They bountered, and I made myself laugh, 48 00:02:18.199 --> 00:02:20.479 slipping in an answer about vintage TV shows to prove 49 00:02:20.520 --> 00:02:23.560 I was fully among them. Still, I felt the empty echo. 50 00:02:24.120 --> 00:02:26.879 Ben never a mystery, not even on night when he 51 00:02:26.919 --> 00:02:29.120 swore he was exhausted, or after he took that Red 52 00:02:29.159 --> 00:02:32.240 Eye from Chicago last February. He'd shown up straight from 53 00:02:32.240 --> 00:02:34.840 the airport's highest hue, grinning white as he reached from 54 00:02:34.879 --> 00:02:37.800 my hand under the glow of the Neon crosign to night. 55 00:02:37.879 --> 00:02:40.800 There was no hand, no Ben. My friends kept tossing 56 00:02:40.879 --> 00:02:43.719 questions and pretending Ben's absence was just bad luck. But 57 00:02:43.800 --> 00:02:46.599 the chill I felt ran deeper the last time he'd 58 00:02:46.599 --> 00:02:50.479 canceled last minute, I couldn't even remember. I wondered if 59 00:02:50.479 --> 00:02:53.479 it was only me, if I was just sensitive, maybe foolish. 60 00:02:53.960 --> 00:02:56.240 Was I becoming that fiance, the kind who got nervous 61 00:02:56.240 --> 00:02:58.520 from a single skip night out, who checked timestamps like 62 00:02:58.560 --> 00:03:01.520 a detective. Ben laugh if I admitted it, He always said, 63 00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:03.719 had spent too many years worrying about things that never 64 00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:06.319 turned out to be true. Still, as I tried to 65 00:03:06.360 --> 00:03:08.960 settle into the trivia's rhythm, the drinks, the familiar faces, 66 00:03:09.039 --> 00:03:11.319 I kept scrolling back to Ben's message, reading the words 67 00:03:11.319 --> 00:03:13.520 over and over, seeking any sign of a smile, some 68 00:03:13.599 --> 00:03:16.919 reassurance between the syllables. I pictured him once at the 69 00:03:16.919 --> 00:03:19.520 start of us, leaping at the chance for any shared adventure, 70 00:03:19.560 --> 00:03:22.719 tracked a beam level enthusiasm. He'd said, You're the only 71 00:03:22.759 --> 00:03:25.439 thing that never feels like an obligation. I used to 72 00:03:25.439 --> 00:03:27.879 believe that. I used to know it in my bones. 73 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:30.439 Now the truth was just the shape of his missing laughter, 74 00:03:30.639 --> 00:03:33.680 tracing itself in the empty seat beside me. What surprised 75 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:35.800 me most was how quickly it started to feel heavier 76 00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:38.520 than it should. When I got home, the house was hushed, 77 00:03:38.520 --> 00:03:41.240 too dark. I'll fix it up. His porch light flickered 78 00:03:41.240 --> 00:03:43.319 as I fumbled for my keys, reminding me for the 79 00:03:43.319 --> 00:03:45.639 empty time that the electric box needed to check something 80 00:03:45.639 --> 00:03:49.599 Ben always fixed, something I never bothered with. Inside the kitchens, 81 00:03:49.599 --> 00:03:52.319 half prime wall hovered in its unfinished state, stock brush strokes, 82 00:03:52.360 --> 00:03:55.800 pausing where we'd abandoned our most recent DIY project. That 83 00:03:55.840 --> 00:03:58.240 project was supposed to be last month's weekend adventure, but 84 00:03:58.280 --> 00:04:00.199 Ben had baked off, saying he had to for a 85 00:04:00.240 --> 00:04:03.520 big presentation. I'd salt most of that day, half painting 86 00:04:03.520 --> 00:04:06.039 in silence, half scrolling through old texts from him, little hearts, 87 00:04:06.120 --> 00:04:08.680 dump puns, offering up take out or a late movie night. 88 00:04:09.240 --> 00:04:11.919 That night, my birthday, he came home with cupcakes and flowers, 89 00:04:11.919 --> 00:04:14.240 but spent most of dinner sending scattered smiles into the 90 00:04:14.240 --> 00:04:17.560 empty space past my shoulder. It was easy back then 91 00:04:17.639 --> 00:04:22.000 to rationalize work pressure, growing responsibilities. He'd always been ambitious, 92 00:04:22.120 --> 00:04:24.959 and this was the promotion he chased, smiling through sleepless weeks, 93 00:04:24.959 --> 00:04:27.560 promising it would all be for us. I'd loved him 94 00:04:27.560 --> 00:04:29.160 for that drive, for the way he made me feel 95 00:04:29.160 --> 00:04:31.800 like I could rise to any challenge. When we met, 96 00:04:31.839 --> 00:04:33.720 I was quiet, shell bound from a break up that 97 00:04:33.800 --> 00:04:36.560 left me darting my own worth. Ben coaxed me out 98 00:04:36.639 --> 00:04:39.480 midnight drives into the mountains, pancakes at odd hours, inside 99 00:04:39.560 --> 00:04:41.600 jokes that tangled me so tightly into his world that 100 00:04:41.639 --> 00:04:44.879 caution seemed both silly and impossible. I'd never been a 101 00:04:44.959 --> 00:04:47.920 life of any party that was Ben's turf, but he'd 102 00:04:47.959 --> 00:04:50.360 loved how I noticed things, others, misty little kindnesses a 103 00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:52.439 jerke delivered with dry timing, the way I'd was bu 104 00:04:52.519 --> 00:04:55.000 my best lines just for him. We bought our Denver 105 00:04:55.079 --> 00:04:57.680 bungalow because we believed in projects a mix of old 106 00:04:57.720 --> 00:05:00.680 and new, possibility and great. Then was the one who 107 00:05:00.680 --> 00:05:03.040 insisted on hiking the front range as adst of teamwork, 108 00:05:03.120 --> 00:05:05.399 laugh when I lagged on the up hill, always offered 109 00:05:05.399 --> 00:05:08.319 a hand at the right moment. Our shared calendar bloom 110 00:05:08.360 --> 00:05:11.000 with half serious plans, and marathon at least once Sunday 111 00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:14.600 Room Sunday Peru. It felt like life in motion. My 112 00:05:14.680 --> 00:05:17.480 own work. Project management, with all its tangled emails, shifting 113 00:05:17.480 --> 00:05:20.399 dead lines, endlessier meetings, gave me stability, a sense of 114 00:05:20.439 --> 00:05:23.279 capability I had fought to earn. Ben always called me 115 00:05:23.319 --> 00:05:25.560 his secret weapon, said he needed my conn to stead 116 00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:28.279 eat his wild when I flailed early in my career, 117 00:05:28.360 --> 00:05:30.519 Ben sat next to me with wine and whiteboards and 118 00:05:30.600 --> 00:05:34.519 unshakable faith. Our circle of friends, old college pals, coworkers, 119 00:05:34.519 --> 00:05:36.279 a cousin or two, mixed in ways that made every 120 00:05:36.319 --> 00:05:38.839 get together in no event. Ben knew how to steer 121 00:05:38.839 --> 00:05:42.160 a conversation. I was the one quietly stabilizing things, nudging 122 00:05:42.199 --> 00:05:44.519 a drink into someone's hand, listening more than talking, but 123 00:05:44.560 --> 00:05:47.480 never lef out. If Ben was the spark, I was 124 00:05:47.480 --> 00:05:51.959 the fuel. Small rituals grew round us. Friday trivia, Saturday 125 00:05:51.959 --> 00:05:54.759 mornings in the markets, marathon stew or curry nights were 126 00:05:54.759 --> 00:05:57.279 bended this seasoning and I did the prep. We folded 127 00:05:57.360 --> 00:06:01.560 laundry together, turned shores into laughing matches. Alliday's men negotiating 128 00:06:01.560 --> 00:06:04.360 whose family to visit, but everyone agreed. Ben was a catch. 129 00:06:04.560 --> 00:06:07.040 My parents called him their second son, and his mother 130 00:06:07.199 --> 00:06:10.000 dialed in from Wisconsin, made ashore for proving her Denver girl. 131 00:06:10.560 --> 00:06:13.240 Our home was messy, but lived in relationships laid through 132 00:06:13.240 --> 00:06:15.879 the walls, photos tacked up from camping trips, bence, childhood 133 00:06:15.879 --> 00:06:18.120 baseball on a shelf. My grandmother's pipulated a new so 134 00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:21.120 often the ages had chipped twice in the last few months. 135 00:06:21.120 --> 00:06:24.680 Something shifted. The kitchen repaint, stop pathway, a hiking, BRIT's 136 00:06:24.680 --> 00:06:28.600 gather dust Ben's after work text grew clip then more sporadic. 137 00:06:29.279 --> 00:06:31.560 His promotion to lead architect at a mid sized firms 138 00:06:31.560 --> 00:06:35.079 should have meant joy or at least celebratory exhaustion. Instead, 139 00:06:35.120 --> 00:06:37.279 he became harder to reach, even when he was sitting 140 00:06:37.319 --> 00:06:39.680 next to me. When he did finally show up for 141 00:06:39.680 --> 00:06:41.920 Friday Trivia of Sunday Pancakes, it was as if his 142 00:06:42.000 --> 00:06:43.839 mind was pacing the outline of a building. Only he 143 00:06:43.839 --> 00:06:47.079 could see. The rest. I told myself was the natural 144 00:06:47.079 --> 00:06:49.839 evolution of two busy people. It wasn't a lacke. It 145 00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:52.319 was everything we'd built, waiting for a new start after 146 00:06:52.399 --> 00:06:56.240 this demanding project season. If I caught my own insecurity's surfacing, 147 00:06:56.600 --> 00:06:58.680 I tried to ask for more time together, a hike, 148 00:06:58.800 --> 00:07:01.160 a movie, just a day where we left our phones 149 00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:03.680 in the car. Then would listen say I was right, 150 00:07:03.800 --> 00:07:06.079 kiss my temple. But then a last minute message would 151 00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:08.000 send him back out the door. For just a little while. 152 00:07:08.560 --> 00:07:11.000 I tried to believe it was all fine. I did 153 00:07:11.000 --> 00:07:13.120 believe it right up until trivia night and a seat 154 00:07:13.120 --> 00:07:15.480 that fell colder than it ever had before. Over the 155 00:07:15.519 --> 00:07:18.160 next week I went through the rituals of our life, groceries, 156 00:07:18.360 --> 00:07:21.279 filling the gas tank, picking up bends, dry cleaning, testing 157 00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:24.439 the shape of our routines for cracks. The night after trivia, 158 00:07:24.480 --> 00:07:26.399 I was prepping dinner when Ben texted to say he'd 159 00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:28.920 be laid again, blaming a client whose scope kept shifting. 160 00:07:29.399 --> 00:07:31.720 He walked in just past eight as bleary, his black 161 00:07:31.759 --> 00:07:33.800 work jacket draped on one arm and in his other 162 00:07:33.839 --> 00:07:37.079 hand a white cardboard box with grease stains. He offered 163 00:07:37.079 --> 00:07:40.879 a tire smile, holding up chick fill like an apology. Sorry, babe, 164 00:07:40.920 --> 00:07:43.399 long story, meant to pick this up sooner, but never 165 00:07:43.439 --> 00:07:46.360 mind you okay? With sandwiches for dinner, we ate in 166 00:07:46.360 --> 00:07:49.000 the living room. The TV tuned some old comedy, then 167 00:07:49.079 --> 00:07:51.720 laughed at the screen, over compensating with two bright jokes, 168 00:07:51.839 --> 00:07:54.480 rarely glancing my way. I waited for him to ask 169 00:07:54.519 --> 00:07:56.560 about my day, the stressful new higher the night may 170 00:07:56.639 --> 00:07:59.079 vender chat, but all I got was need any ketchup. 171 00:07:59.680 --> 00:08:02.920 After meal, he disappeared into his little office, muttering about 172 00:08:02.920 --> 00:08:05.759 client emales, and didn't come out until well after midnight. 173 00:08:06.319 --> 00:08:08.680 I lay awake, g listening to keystrokes, wondering when it 174 00:08:08.680 --> 00:08:12.000 became normal to faul asleep alone. Two nights later, Ben 175 00:08:12.040 --> 00:08:16.000 walked in even later, this time without dinner. Sorry, he said, grimacing. 176 00:08:16.120 --> 00:08:17.879 I just had to get out of their client wouldn't 177 00:08:17.879 --> 00:08:20.879 stop leaping on minor details. I needed some air. He 178 00:08:20.920 --> 00:08:23.240 waved at dinner receipt at me some dark colethel sandwich 179 00:08:23.279 --> 00:08:26.680 shop three blocks from his office. His shirt was wrinkled 180 00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:28.959 and his stubble was more weak in camping than on Thursday. 181 00:08:29.040 --> 00:08:31.399 Late night, he let out a spike, a little sigh, 182 00:08:31.399 --> 00:08:33.480 and vanished into the shower without even touching the reed. 183 00:08:33.519 --> 00:08:36.720 It pasta d left warman. He emerged, hair tawl damp. 184 00:08:36.840 --> 00:08:40.120 I made three false jokes about teen politics before retreating silence. 185 00:08:40.799 --> 00:08:42.840 I waited until he came to bed, then traced a 186 00:08:42.840 --> 00:08:46.039 careful finger along his shoulder blade, searching for him. He 187 00:08:46.080 --> 00:08:48.279 took my hand and squeezed it without saying a word. 188 00:08:48.919 --> 00:08:51.080 I told myself it was comfort, but it felt more 189 00:08:51.120 --> 00:08:55.000 like a punctuation mark, ending the conversation. Saturday morning, dawn, 190 00:08:55.000 --> 00:08:57.399 bright and blue, one of those rare Denver days where 191 00:08:57.399 --> 00:09:00.200 the city looks brand new. We'd planned weeks ago to 192 00:09:00.279 --> 00:09:02.320 drive up for an easy hack outside Boulder, pick up 193 00:09:02.360 --> 00:09:05.240 supplies for the half finished kitchen, maybe grub breakfast at 194 00:09:05.279 --> 00:09:08.559 Alpine Diner on the way. Then leaned over coffee, scrolling 195 00:09:08.600 --> 00:09:10.519 through his phone, eye scanning not my face but the 196 00:09:10.519 --> 00:09:14.360 blurred horizon beyond the French doors. Babe listened. Total mess, 197 00:09:14.480 --> 00:09:17.399 he said, barely looking up. A last minute sight walk 198 00:09:17.440 --> 00:09:19.840 through just popped up. The client got complaints about the flooring. 199 00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:22.279 We specked, I probably need a few hours, Max. Can 200 00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:25.120 we rain check the hike? He tapped his moug tension 201 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:26.799 riding high in his voice in a way that said 202 00:09:26.840 --> 00:09:29.679 it don't press. I nodded, set out to clean the house, 203 00:09:29.720 --> 00:09:32.960 blaring soft indie music to draw out my annoyance. Madeway. 204 00:09:32.960 --> 00:09:35.919 Through dusting, the cook calls at Ben's territory, usually in chaos, 205 00:09:35.960 --> 00:09:38.440 I spotted a navy blue jacket with a monogram patch. 206 00:09:38.679 --> 00:09:41.840 Something neat and expensive. I frowned, turning it over in 207 00:09:41.879 --> 00:09:45.000 my hands. It was not Ben's style, a little too fitted. 208 00:09:45.039 --> 00:09:47.080 The lining pattern and pale green silk a kind of 209 00:09:47.159 --> 00:09:50.360 detail eat ridicule as need the sea posh, the initials 210 00:09:50.360 --> 00:09:53.320 stitched into the inside collar. Ray W meant nothing to me. 211 00:09:53.919 --> 00:09:56.200 I hesitated, set it aside, and shrugged it off as 212 00:09:56.240 --> 00:09:59.679 a donation left from my last closet purge. Maybe towers 213 00:09:59.799 --> 00:10:02.360 may be nicks. I didn't bring it up to Ben 214 00:10:02.399 --> 00:10:04.440 when he got home, distracted as he was by good 215 00:10:04.440 --> 00:10:06.600 mood and a quick grunt to grab groceries for dinner. 216 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:10.320 But something tiny lodged there I couldn't shake out. The 217 00:10:10.399 --> 00:10:13.399 next week, I kept a low level scan for more regularities. 218 00:10:13.879 --> 00:10:16.320 At first it was nothing. Ben back late, but explaining 219 00:10:16.320 --> 00:10:19.600 it with work, always with plausible details. Then his mood 220 00:10:19.679 --> 00:10:22.200 started shifting, snapping over minor things, did you move my 221 00:10:22.279 --> 00:10:25.399 charger again? Making all jokes that flopped and left silences 222 00:10:25.440 --> 00:10:28.399 behind them. He'd always vented about the absurdity of work, 223 00:10:28.519 --> 00:10:30.879 laughing at the lisbolts in his designed team, telling me 224 00:10:30.919 --> 00:10:34.000 who brought doughnuts or showed up in shorts? Now? When 225 00:10:34.000 --> 00:10:36.679 I tried to draw him out, he shrouded, It's just 226 00:10:36.919 --> 00:10:41.080 complicated stuff, no real stories. On Wednesday, just before dinner, 227 00:10:41.120 --> 00:10:43.679 he closed his laptop with the clatter I'm going to 228 00:10:43.720 --> 00:10:46.159 bed early. Can you finish up the bills tomorrow? He 229 00:10:46.159 --> 00:10:49.120 didn't wait for an answer. That night, as I sifted 230 00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:51.159 through files on our she had lap up to print payments. 231 00:10:51.240 --> 00:10:53.159 I noticed a bank account blinking with more late night 232 00:10:53.240 --> 00:10:56.360 charges than usual. Several transactions from the barrel, not a 233 00:10:56.440 --> 00:10:59.039 wine barred downtown, not Ben style at all stood out 234 00:10:59.120 --> 00:11:02.159 eleven thirty five p m. Last Friday, twelve wellway m 235 00:11:02.159 --> 00:11:04.240 the Saturday before, and again on a Wednesday, when he 236 00:11:04.279 --> 00:11:05.919 told me he was too tired to meet up even 237 00:11:05.960 --> 00:11:09.600 for tika. Each charge, however, just under forty bucks. I 238 00:11:09.679 --> 00:11:12.679 checked my phone thumb through Arthur read that Friday, Ben's 239 00:11:12.679 --> 00:11:15.440 message had read Bury declinent meltdown, might just crash here 240 00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:18.120 to night if it runs late. It wasn't even a question. 241 00:11:18.759 --> 00:11:20.639 There'd been no smile in it, and he hadn't called 242 00:11:20.679 --> 00:11:24.080 until nearly one a m. I told myself it was innocent. 243 00:11:24.679 --> 00:11:28.080 Team drinks quick bites between meetings, but Ben always rolled 244 00:11:28.120 --> 00:11:31.039 his eyes at the barrel, knots pretentious, stemmered publicly. Anyway. 245 00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:33.600 I waited for a night when he claimed to walk late, 246 00:11:33.639 --> 00:11:36.519 and texted him at ten, then ten thirty, no reply. 247 00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:40.200 At eleven. I called. He answered on the second ring, 248 00:11:40.759 --> 00:11:44.799 fuss's laughter, clinking glasses spilled across the line, then sounding 249 00:11:44.879 --> 00:11:47.360 rushed and tight said, hey, babe, am finishing up? Can 250 00:11:47.360 --> 00:11:50.120 I call you back as chaos? Sorry? He armed up 251 00:11:50.120 --> 00:11:52.519 before I could even ask what was up? These things 252 00:11:52.559 --> 00:11:54.879 won't prove, just the bright glimpse of a patent forming 253 00:11:54.879 --> 00:11:57.840 in my mind. I began a mental tally, taking off 254 00:11:57.840 --> 00:12:00.480 add at his late receipts, mood swings, stories spun out 255 00:12:00.559 --> 00:12:03.960 or contradicted. Maybe he was just burned out, I told myself. 256 00:12:04.679 --> 00:12:07.440 Maybe I was reading too much into every missmile. But 257 00:12:07.559 --> 00:12:10.399 DUBT was an engine. Once it started, it kept running. 258 00:12:10.919 --> 00:12:13.879 Work kept me afloat for a while. At least there 259 00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:17.639 the problems were mapped out, solvable, leading somewhere in the evenings. 260 00:12:17.759 --> 00:12:19.840 The house felt less like ours, more like a carefully 261 00:12:19.840 --> 00:12:22.799 staged set. I asked about finishing the kitchen wall. Ben 262 00:12:22.840 --> 00:12:26.120 pushed it off. I suggested hiking a son. Babes were 263 00:12:26.240 --> 00:12:29.559 once this project clears. Tarro was the first coal bullshit. 264 00:12:30.240 --> 00:12:32.080 We were out for coffee, Tucked in a window seat 265 00:12:32.080 --> 00:12:35.200 as arrange storm threatened outside. She watched me poke holes 266 00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:37.919 in a blueberry skown, then finally put her hand over mine. 267 00:12:38.320 --> 00:12:40.440 I haven't seen him in what three weeks? Even at 268 00:12:40.480 --> 00:12:43.879 trivia or solo. Half the time you okay. I started 269 00:12:43.879 --> 00:12:46.320 to hedge, making noises about the new job stress, how 270 00:12:46.320 --> 00:12:49.759 Ben just needed time, and Taro shot me a knowing look. Yes, 271 00:12:49.960 --> 00:12:52.840 his life get busy, Yeah, so does yours. But it's weird. 272 00:12:53.000 --> 00:12:55.159 I texted him last week about the hiking gear reckon. 273 00:12:55.200 --> 00:12:57.519 Never heard back. He's fading out on all of us. 274 00:12:58.120 --> 00:13:00.559 I told her not to overthink it, But as I 275 00:13:00.559 --> 00:13:02.600 said it, I realized I was asking her not to 276 00:13:02.600 --> 00:13:06.039 do the very thing I spent nights doing myself. Following Saturday, 277 00:13:06.159 --> 00:13:09.120 Ben's firm held a backyard barbecue, open drinks burghers. Though 278 00:13:09.120 --> 00:13:12.799 official and official way for coworchister relax, I tried to 279 00:13:12.799 --> 00:13:14.519 see it as a chance to blend and to reset 280 00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:17.679 all my suspicions. Ben greeted me with a distracted peck 281 00:13:17.679 --> 00:13:19.879 on the cheek, introduced me to a flurry of people 282 00:13:19.879 --> 00:13:22.159 whose names I already knew for months of work stories. 283 00:13:22.840 --> 00:13:25.720 He laughed sure, but kept checking his phone, docking away 284 00:13:25.720 --> 00:13:28.159 from groove photos, flinching when someone tried to drag him 285 00:13:28.159 --> 00:13:30.759 into a pulside selfie. He drifted over to the grill 286 00:13:30.799 --> 00:13:33.480 with his boss, then quickly spun away. Each time I approached. 287 00:13:34.159 --> 00:13:36.679 I wandered off idly chatting with Rachel, one of his 288 00:13:36.720 --> 00:13:39.639 coworkers I'd heard about but never met. It's so nice 289 00:13:39.679 --> 00:13:43.559 to finally meet you, Jess, Rachel said, grinninge one in hand. 290 00:13:44.200 --> 00:13:46.600 Ben never stops talking about you. Just wish we saw 291 00:13:46.600 --> 00:13:50.600 more of him lately, I laughed politely. Then, curiosity nudging me, 292 00:13:50.799 --> 00:13:52.559 I asked, he says he's with the team till all 293 00:13:52.600 --> 00:13:55.679 hours sun nights. I imagine that gets old. Rachel made 294 00:13:55.720 --> 00:13:58.919 a face. He's barely around. Actually, most of us don't 295 00:13:58.960 --> 00:14:00.960 hang outside nine to five. I think he's got a 296 00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:03.279 new project keeping him late. But who knows. Copperate has 297 00:14:03.279 --> 00:14:05.799 everyone paying at way times. Now you know the deal. 298 00:14:06.320 --> 00:14:08.679 A small buzz of confusion zip threw me. I realized, 299 00:14:08.759 --> 00:14:11.000 in the entire time Ben had been promoted, I'd never 300 00:14:11.039 --> 00:14:13.919 met his supposed late night client. Teen. He named names, 301 00:14:13.960 --> 00:14:17.080 told stories, but they never featured in any plans. On 302 00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:19.200 the ride home, I waited for him to bring it up, 303 00:14:19.279 --> 00:14:22.159 but Ben rode in silence, thumb tapping furiously at messages. 304 00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:25.120 When I asked about Rachel, half teasing, half fishing, he 305 00:14:25.159 --> 00:14:28.320 turned defensive. Out of nowhere, barely more than a label 306 00:14:28.320 --> 00:14:31.639 on an email, he said, vos flat, don't even really 307 00:14:31.679 --> 00:14:35.159 talk to her besides logistics. Sunday, while Ben was in 308 00:14:35.159 --> 00:14:38.240 the shower, I paid bills. The shared account showed two 309 00:14:38.279 --> 00:14:41.200 more charges at the barrel knot this time. I snapped 310 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:44.879 a picture of the transactions, forwarding then to myself. I hesitated, 311 00:14:45.000 --> 00:14:47.559 then started at note Ben's late night charges and time stump, 312 00:14:47.559 --> 00:14:50.279 the ones I couldn't square with his stories. I was 313 00:14:50.320 --> 00:14:52.720 officially in the territory. I always swore i'd never visit. 314 00:14:53.279 --> 00:14:55.600 He left for a business retreat. Whence they scheduled for 315 00:14:55.679 --> 00:14:58.120 three days up at some private rental in s Park, 316 00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:01.279 supposedly the whole project team going off grade. I wished 317 00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:03.159 him good luck and try to sound excited, but I 318 00:15:03.159 --> 00:15:05.960 couldn't kill a worry humming under my skin. That evening, 319 00:15:06.240 --> 00:15:08.360 while sorting through my email back clock, a group text 320 00:15:08.399 --> 00:15:11.879 popped up from Karr, an old college friend, congressed Ben 321 00:15:11.960 --> 00:15:15.080 didn't know he was winning awards these days. She detached 322 00:15:15.080 --> 00:15:18.360 a grainy photo Ben in his goatablue, buttoned down mug 323 00:15:18.360 --> 00:15:20.559 in hand, standing with three guys in front of Parlor, 324 00:15:20.679 --> 00:15:23.879 a well known brewery in town. The time stamp last night, 325 00:15:24.000 --> 00:15:25.840 the very night he was supposed to be off grid. 326 00:15:26.440 --> 00:15:28.759 My stomach twisted, not with certainty, but with a slow, 327 00:15:28.879 --> 00:15:31.679 muddy confusion. You can't talk yourself out of I tried 328 00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:34.799 calling his phone went straight to voicemail. I spent twenty 329 00:15:34.799 --> 00:15:38.120 minutes staring at the brewery's Instagram, tracking photos from that night, 330 00:15:38.200 --> 00:15:41.039 looking for any sign of Ben. I told myself there 331 00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:43.399 was some mix up. Maybe they did ascend off of 332 00:15:43.480 --> 00:15:46.039 the brewery before heading up to the retreat. Maybe the 333 00:15:46.039 --> 00:15:50.120 photo was old, maybe Corer had the date wrong. On Sunday, 334 00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:53.399 torre called again, her voice conspiratorial. Have you talked to 335 00:15:53.440 --> 00:15:55.960 Ben today? I was driving near Kofax and swear to God, 336 00:15:56.039 --> 00:15:57.919 his car was parked outside a row of town has 337 00:15:57.919 --> 00:16:00.240 a super early like berefor nine, as he were king 338 00:16:00.240 --> 00:16:02.639 ono Renau out there. I tried to play it off, 339 00:16:02.840 --> 00:16:04.919 said maybe he was picking up blueprints for a client. 340 00:16:05.720 --> 00:16:08.159 When Ben came home, I asked in passing about the 341 00:16:08.200 --> 00:16:10.879 weird early meeting, and he invented some story about measurements 342 00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:13.559 being off. Had to reconcile elevations with a client couple. 343 00:16:14.039 --> 00:16:16.960 But he was cheerful all afternoon, whistling as he showered, 344 00:16:17.000 --> 00:16:18.879 which seemed at odds with the stressed out mess he'd 345 00:16:18.879 --> 00:16:21.320 claimed to be that night, after he passed out in 346 00:16:21.320 --> 00:16:23.440 front of the TV, I checked the coat closet again. 347 00:16:23.960 --> 00:16:26.879 The navy jacket was still there. I flipped the tag 348 00:16:27.039 --> 00:16:31.200 a W in perfect looping cursive. Still nothing came to mind. 349 00:16:32.120 --> 00:16:36.200 I tried believing his explanations. I did, but my mind 350 00:16:36.279 --> 00:16:39.200 kept tracking time lines, overlaying with seats and stories, tracing 351 00:16:39.279 --> 00:16:42.720 ruts from our house to wine Barston, familiar townhouses. When 352 00:16:42.759 --> 00:16:46.159 I told Tara about my worries, she hesitated, then said softly, Jess, 353 00:16:46.240 --> 00:16:48.240 I think you need to start writing this down, just 354 00:16:48.279 --> 00:16:50.919 so you don't feel crazy. Later. She was the only 355 00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:53.519 person I trusted enough to say it to. I started 356 00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:56.799 document in Ben's whereabouts, texting myself every time something didn't 357 00:16:56.799 --> 00:16:59.720 add up, complete with date and time. If I drove 358 00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:01.799 past the row of town houses on a Sunday saw 359 00:17:01.799 --> 00:17:04.599 a familiar superw out front, I made a note. It 360 00:17:04.680 --> 00:17:07.960 felt like self defense as much as accusation. I told 361 00:17:07.960 --> 00:17:09.960 myself over and over that it would all resolve, that 362 00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:13.480 Ben would have some brilliant mondane explanation. We were solid, 363 00:17:14.200 --> 00:17:17.279 stronger than work, stressed, stranger than suspicion. But the pattern 364 00:17:17.319 --> 00:17:21.039 only spread. He became unpredictable. One night stuck running plans 365 00:17:21.039 --> 00:17:24.440 till eleven, another coming home raid, eating relief arms around me, 366 00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:27.599 promising a real weekend that never quite seemed to materialize. 367 00:17:28.119 --> 00:17:30.440 A week later, I decided I couldn't keep tip to Wayne. 368 00:17:30.920 --> 00:17:32.920 I rehearse what I'd say. I saw your car. I 369 00:17:33.000 --> 00:17:35.440 know about the charges, famoried. Please tell me what's going on. 370 00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:39.200 But Ben beat me to it. That Thursday overtakeout at 371 00:17:39.240 --> 00:17:42.279 the dining table, he cleared his rope. Hey, I should 372 00:17:42.279 --> 00:17:44.039 tell you I've got a shot a huge project. One 373 00:17:44.039 --> 00:17:46.680 of my clients, this couple just closed on a town house. 374 00:17:46.759 --> 00:17:48.200 I'll be out there a lot for the next month 375 00:17:48.200 --> 00:17:51.480 of so renderings, walked throughs, sometimes pretty late. I know 376 00:17:51.519 --> 00:17:53.559 it's a lot. If you want, you should meet them. 377 00:17:53.559 --> 00:17:56.160 They are super sweet, really aughty. We're doing an open 378 00:17:56.160 --> 00:18:00.920 house next week. He sounded eager, believable. He even looped 379 00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:03.559 me in on strategy cac and jokes about their wallpaper tastes, 380 00:18:03.599 --> 00:18:06.240 tracing floor plans with his finger in the air. I 381 00:18:06.319 --> 00:18:10.079 let myself believe again, suddenly convinced I misjudged. The town 382 00:18:10.119 --> 00:18:13.000 house was real, the mystery clients were real. Maybe he 383 00:18:13.079 --> 00:18:15.759 was just doing his job. After all, we attended the 384 00:18:15.799 --> 00:18:19.519 open house together. The couple chat and Lear were polite, enthusiastic, 385 00:18:19.640 --> 00:18:22.960 making a point of complimenting Ben's vision. Ben Bean braked 386 00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:25.720 about my project management skills, even roasted me a little. 387 00:18:25.720 --> 00:18:28.559 She is the system's genius, beware. I felt good there, 388 00:18:28.599 --> 00:18:30.599 chhaded from my worries by the normalcy of it all. 389 00:18:31.160 --> 00:18:33.119 For the first time in weeks, I laughed and found 390 00:18:33.160 --> 00:18:36.119 myself holding Ben's hand again. That night at home, Ben 391 00:18:36.200 --> 00:18:38.200 was brighter at lingering in the kitchen, while after dinner 392 00:18:38.759 --> 00:18:40.920 he pressed up behind me, arms around my waist as 393 00:18:40.920 --> 00:18:43.480 I washed up, humming in my ear. This, I thought, 394 00:18:43.599 --> 00:18:45.960 is what we are. This is what I want back. 395 00:18:46.759 --> 00:18:48.759 I tossed a jacket over a chair, the navy blue 396 00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:52.319 one again, and automatically checked for the initials e W 397 00:18:52.519 --> 00:18:55.599 jumped out at me, more ominous this time. I dangled 398 00:18:55.640 --> 00:18:57.920 it on my finger, waiting for some flash of recognition, 399 00:18:58.079 --> 00:18:59.759 but the only in names I knew from Ben's life 400 00:18:59.759 --> 00:19:02.039 for his old project leads, none of whom used that 401 00:19:02.119 --> 00:19:05.400