1 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:22,679 Speaker 1: We are back with Margot Rose. We left you yesterday 2 00:00:22,839 --> 00:00:26,039 on kind of a cliffhanger. But to catch you up, 3 00:00:27,039 --> 00:00:28,679 you got to go back and listen to part one. 4 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:31,559 Don't be stupid and just be tuning in now and 5 00:00:31,559 --> 00:00:34,479 thinking you're going to understand the story. You understand nothing. 6 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:37,960 Go listen to part one. I like to be rate 7 00:00:38,079 --> 00:00:38,759 by listeners. 8 00:00:38,799 --> 00:00:40,439 Speaker 2: They enjoy I like it. 9 00:00:40,679 --> 00:00:45,799 Speaker 1: So uh you you were sober, but your marriage had 10 00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:46,320 come to. 11 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:48,759 Speaker 2: In the end. 12 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: Yeah, but you were doing you were doing okay. You 13 00:00:52,640 --> 00:00:54,399 guys had agreed you were was it was? 14 00:00:54,399 --> 00:00:57,119 Speaker 2: I was I regread and moving. I moved out in 15 00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:00,479 the last in their last year of college. It's a 16 00:01:00,479 --> 00:01:02,439 way five and it's away five minutes away, you know, 17 00:01:02,439 --> 00:01:03,920 And I thought I was going to come back, and 18 00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:07,359 I thought, you know, I was wrong, you know, and 19 00:01:07,439 --> 00:01:09,719 I regret it more than anything else in my life 20 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,079 because of what happened. 21 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,239 Speaker 1: Then why did you Why did you move out? Were 22 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:17,040 you just like fine, I'm going to just go beyond my. 23 00:01:17,359 --> 00:01:23,959 Speaker 2: We we dealt with our different, crumbling relationship for a 24 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:31,159 number of years, and at a certain point the kids 25 00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:35,359 were getting older, they were even more. There was more visitation, 26 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:37,519 There were a lot of other court things that happened. 27 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,239 They were still legally ours, but they were split up 28 00:01:40,239 --> 00:01:48,439 a lot, and and my self esteem was was non 29 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:52,519 assistent because our dynamic was such that I was the 30 00:01:52,599 --> 00:01:55,239 one that was she was the alpha dog. It wasn't 31 00:01:55,239 --> 00:01:57,719 her fault anymore than you know it was, that's just 32 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:02,920 the way we ended up. And uh, And it just 33 00:02:02,959 --> 00:02:05,680 got into my head that if I, if I moved 34 00:02:05,799 --> 00:02:09,400 my physical being and have my own space and the 35 00:02:09,479 --> 00:02:13,199 kids are going to their senior year of high school, 36 00:02:14,319 --> 00:02:16,680 it will be better. I will be a better parent, 37 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,520 I will be a better person. I'll start working, you know, 38 00:02:19,719 --> 00:02:22,479 I'll be working on my on my acting, I'll be 39 00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:26,039 working on my writing, I'll be all this stuff. And 40 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,080 it was really it was almost like a geographic I 41 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:34,400 think I was sober, but I thought that thing could 42 00:02:34,479 --> 00:02:38,240 solve it, you know. And I was seeing somebody. PAT 43 00:02:38,319 --> 00:02:40,759 was seeing somebody. I was seeing somebody. Everybody was out 44 00:02:40,759 --> 00:02:43,560 in the open about it, and nobody was going along 45 00:02:43,599 --> 00:02:48,479 in the in the shadows. In retrospect, I wish I 46 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,919 hadn't hadn't seen that person, because it didn't you know, 47 00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:53,120 I mean, I mean, I don't wish I hadn't seen 48 00:02:53,159 --> 00:02:58,960 that person. I wish that I'd had more, just more 49 00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:02,759 consciousness about it, you know, because I jump into things. 50 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,080 I'm impulsive. I think, well, this is going to solve 51 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,719 all my problems. And even though I was sober, and 52 00:03:08,759 --> 00:03:10,879 even though I'm sober now, I have a tendency to 53 00:03:10,919 --> 00:03:14,919 do that. You know, I have I'm a quad diagnosis, 54 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:18,319 you know, I have. I have I'm an alcoholic, and 55 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,000 I am I'm also a lot of physical stuff and 56 00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:26,039 and and I have ADHD very badly, and and you know, 57 00:03:26,319 --> 00:03:30,199 I abandonment disorder, all sorts of things I've been diagnosed with. 58 00:03:31,639 --> 00:03:34,639 So I have to I have to ride that pony, 59 00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,719 you know, I have to. I have to ride that pony. 60 00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:39,240 The thing I know now, after all this time and 61 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,439 all these things that have happened, is that you just 62 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,560 hang on tight. And they say that at the beginning, 63 00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:46,479 but sometimes it takes a lot to get to that. 64 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:53,120 So I moved out. I regretted it right away. I 65 00:03:53,159 --> 00:03:56,199 missed the kids. Will was okay with it. Nora was 66 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,159 angry and that that was awful. 67 00:03:59,319 --> 00:03:59,520 Speaker 1: You know. 68 00:03:59,639 --> 00:04:01,560 Speaker 2: We had a very hard time. And then I was 69 00:04:01,599 --> 00:04:03,639 not myself when I was with her because I felt 70 00:04:03,639 --> 00:04:08,759 insecure and oh, she's mad at me. Will would stay 71 00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,439 over every once in a while, Nora almost never. She 72 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,919 never did. She did once did once in twenty eighteen. 73 00:04:16,399 --> 00:04:21,040 So time went on. They graduated from high school. Will 74 00:04:21,079 --> 00:04:25,639 got into Texas State to performing department at Texas State, 75 00:04:26,079 --> 00:04:30,600 and Nora got into UCLA Musical Theater, which was very prestigious. 76 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,279 She wasn't all that happy. She'd wanted to go to 77 00:04:33,319 --> 00:04:35,199 the East Coast. She wanted to go to Emerson, she 78 00:04:35,319 --> 00:04:39,759 wanted to go to the Ivy coveredly. You know, they're 79 00:04:39,839 --> 00:04:43,240 both enormously talented. Nora was a triple threat. She was 80 00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:48,839 a beautiful dancer. She sang and she wrote songs and 81 00:04:48,920 --> 00:04:53,839 she acted. I mean, she was extraordinary. You met her, 82 00:04:53,839 --> 00:04:56,920 didn't you. Yeah, she meet her. Yeah, you met her. 83 00:04:58,279 --> 00:05:02,600 And we did meetings at our house on Hesbie sometimes, 84 00:05:02,600 --> 00:05:05,079 and whenever we were there, the kids would be running 85 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:06,600 through the back and forth. And so there are all 86 00:05:06,600 --> 00:05:09,360 sorts of people that I know from them that I 87 00:05:09,399 --> 00:05:12,720 still know that didn't know her well but had met her. 88 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:16,199 You now, had been around her. They were so adjacent, Yeah, 89 00:05:16,279 --> 00:05:21,439 sot exactly. Anyway, So so I had moved out so 90 00:05:21,519 --> 00:05:24,360 in two thousand and eight, and I was struggling. I 91 00:05:24,399 --> 00:05:28,800 was struggling to find my footing to I was still sober, 92 00:05:28,839 --> 00:05:31,399 but I was seeing somebody and that wasn't working very well. 93 00:05:31,439 --> 00:05:35,639 And I just didn't know where to land, you know, 94 00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:41,079 I didn't. I didn't realize I really had. My place 95 00:05:41,160 --> 00:05:48,560 was with my family. So twenty eighteen goes by. Nora 96 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,480 and I are getting better. We spent some time in 97 00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:57,279 the summer. She's at UCLA and it's Thanksgiving. I have 98 00:05:57,360 --> 00:06:00,319 a tough Thanksgiving. I go up to my sisters because 99 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:03,800 I don't know where else to go. My relationship with 100 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:08,560 this other person has gone South pats with her relationship, 101 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:10,920 and the kids have gone to their dads for Thanksgiving. 102 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,000 So I'm like. I went to my sisters in Napa 103 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:18,519 and I came back. Will was going out to Texas 104 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:22,879 North staying in town. So I got back and it 105 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:27,079 was it was a November twenty fifth, right after Thanksgiving. 106 00:06:28,399 --> 00:06:30,720 She and I texted. She asked me to take her 107 00:06:30,839 --> 00:06:33,000 if i'd take her to school in the morning, to UCLA, 108 00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,319 and I said yes. I'd loved taking her to school 109 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:38,920 because you drive with your kids and that's when they talk, 110 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,240 you know, that's when they talk. Just some sort of 111 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:46,560 miracle and we were getting better with each other and 112 00:06:46,759 --> 00:06:51,040 the relationship. And that was November twenty fifth, and I 113 00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:53,319 was sitting in the girlson's parking lot and i'd been 114 00:06:53,399 --> 00:07:00,319 texting with her an hour before, and well, I don't 115 00:07:00,319 --> 00:07:03,040 talk about this, but then she called and I answered, 116 00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:05,839 and there was nothing there. And she called again and 117 00:07:05,879 --> 00:07:09,079 I answered there was nothing there to go the third time. 118 00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:12,600 So we don't know what that was because it was 119 00:07:12,639 --> 00:07:19,199 after the accident happened. So it was about seven point 120 00:07:19,199 --> 00:07:24,199 thirty on a Sunday night, and I got a text 121 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:30,399 from her dad saying she's had an accident and she's 122 00:07:30,439 --> 00:07:37,879 at Northridge Hospital. And right when I got that text, 123 00:07:38,360 --> 00:07:42,000 a siren went by. It wasn't the same I was 124 00:07:42,199 --> 00:07:47,040 in Studio City, but something in me dropped out, and 125 00:07:47,720 --> 00:07:53,399 just dropped out, and I drove over there, you know, 126 00:07:54,079 --> 00:07:57,319 in a panic and praying the whole time, saying please 127 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,240 please please, just please please please. It was something in 128 00:08:00,319 --> 00:08:03,279 me that new. And I got there and she'd been 129 00:08:03,319 --> 00:08:07,279 in a catastrophic car wreck and she had been pinned 130 00:08:07,279 --> 00:08:10,680 in the car. They had to get her out. She 131 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:16,800 had a terrible head injury. The doctor at Northridge it 132 00:08:16,839 --> 00:08:21,959 was it's a drama. Hospital had done surgery on her. 133 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:28,600 That gave permission, he had said afterwards, he said, I 134 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:31,639 wouldn't have even tried, except she was young and healthy. 135 00:08:32,759 --> 00:08:35,799 So he did surgery, and she was in a coma 136 00:08:36,879 --> 00:08:43,279 and she was admitted to the critical care unit. And 137 00:08:43,519 --> 00:08:46,639 for a while there was there was enough brain activity 138 00:08:46,679 --> 00:08:51,320 to to make it make sense to keep her on 139 00:08:51,399 --> 00:08:56,840 the machines. And then the third day the brain activity 140 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:02,840 pretty much stopped. She was the rainstem. And you know, 141 00:09:02,919 --> 00:09:05,480 she was beautiful in that bed because there was all 142 00:09:05,840 --> 00:09:07,600 on the side of her head was bandaged, but the 143 00:09:07,639 --> 00:09:12,120 rest the rest of her was beautiful and perfect. So 144 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:17,080 it was, you know, at best, surreal. So we were 145 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:20,120 all there. Well, we got in touch of Well, we 146 00:09:20,159 --> 00:09:24,320 got him back from Texas. He got there the monday, 147 00:09:26,639 --> 00:09:30,399 and so everybody, the dads, the moms, will a couple 148 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:33,399 of people that that that we let in, but not 149 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:38,840 many people came into the room itself. Were there, and 150 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:46,840 and my friends and sisters in sobriety were there. Somebody 151 00:09:46,879 --> 00:09:49,399 found out and somebody told everybody they were there. Were 152 00:09:49,519 --> 00:09:54,039 I remember I think it was deb and Vicky and 153 00:09:54,080 --> 00:09:56,440 you know, there were four and Kelly and somebody else 154 00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,720 that were at the emergency room with supplies and food 155 00:10:00,919 --> 00:10:04,679 and you know, what do you need? And I got 156 00:10:04,799 --> 00:10:10,559 texts constantly and I knew that everybody was there. And 157 00:10:10,759 --> 00:10:14,080 on the fourth day, our fifth I mean, she came 158 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:19,519 in on a Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, the decision 159 00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:25,440 was made to turn off the machines. And now we 160 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:30,440 turned off the machines. You know, that was seven years ago, 161 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:34,480 over seven years or seven years and two months. And 162 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:39,879 I can't even explain what it was like, Steff. It 163 00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:42,440 was just I was alone too. I was living alone 164 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,799 at my apartment. Sophie, my pitbull Selfie saved my life. 165 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:51,159 She saved my life. And I went to our big 166 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:56,879 Saturday meeting two days later. Or picked me up and 167 00:10:57,080 --> 00:11:02,240 took me and why well, I mean, fifteen minutes or 168 00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:05,919 so into the meeting, I couldn't. I couldn't do it. 169 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:10,519 I was sobbing, and she led me outside and I 170 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,639 fell on my knees. I just fell down on my 171 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,840 knees and I was it was Greek, you know, I 172 00:11:14,919 --> 00:11:18,440 was just, I was just. I mean, you know how 173 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,600 in meetings it brings up your emotions anyway, and stuff 174 00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:24,600 that you've been holding on to just bubbles up and 175 00:11:24,679 --> 00:11:28,759 suddenly you're crying or suddenly you're you know, And that's 176 00:11:28,759 --> 00:11:33,399 what happened. And I'd been, you know, crying and beating 177 00:11:33,440 --> 00:11:36,679 my head against the floor before, but that something erupted 178 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:40,320 that was huge, and I was just wailing on the street, 179 00:11:40,399 --> 00:11:44,720 and one by one, by twos, by whatever, all the 180 00:11:44,759 --> 00:11:48,440 women in all the women in that meeting came outside 181 00:11:48,879 --> 00:11:53,840 and held me. There was a circle of women around me. 182 00:11:54,399 --> 00:11:59,279 That's what sobriety was. They all knew, everybody knew you, 183 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:04,360 all knew you all came and surrounded me. And despite that, 184 00:12:05,039 --> 00:12:11,039 you know, I couldn't any longer figure out how I 185 00:12:11,159 --> 00:12:16,799 fit because things that we say, like acceptances everything, No, 186 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,480 I don't accept this. I don't accept this. I'm still 187 00:12:21,519 --> 00:12:24,519 looking for the easy button. I'm still looking for the magic. 188 00:12:24,559 --> 00:12:27,000 I'm still looking for the time travel. That went on 189 00:12:27,159 --> 00:12:31,279 and on and on. Everything is not in my own making, 190 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,759 you know. All the things that people say were like no, 191 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,559 and suddenly I felt different. I felt outside of it, 192 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:45,840 and ps I couldn't. I didn't know how to go 193 00:12:45,919 --> 00:12:48,840 home to my empty place and didn't know how to 194 00:12:48,879 --> 00:12:51,279 do that even with my wonderful dog. I just I 195 00:12:51,279 --> 00:12:54,080 could not do that. And over the course of a 196 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:58,240 couple of months, I'd been taking CBD for all my 197 00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:00,919 fibro and everything. Over the course of a couple of months, 198 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:05,519 it started including PHC, it started including psycho you know, 199 00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:11,679 active drugs. And I never drank, but I started just 200 00:13:11,879 --> 00:13:15,720 doing edibles, doing you know, gummies. 201 00:13:16,759 --> 00:13:18,960 Speaker 1: You wanted to feel altered, like I don't. 202 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,879 Speaker 2: I had to feel altered. I just couldn't do. You know, 203 00:13:23,159 --> 00:13:25,320 I don't even want to hear like the. 204 00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:30,279 Speaker 1: I shouldn't have I it's not. It wasn't. I wasn't. 205 00:13:30,399 --> 00:13:32,320 So like who fucked that? Like? 206 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:33,759 Speaker 2: This is? Yes? I agree? 207 00:13:33,879 --> 00:13:36,159 Speaker 1: Was this is what we want to do? 208 00:13:36,679 --> 00:13:36,840 Speaker 2: Who? 209 00:13:37,000 --> 00:13:40,600 Speaker 1: Who? Who wouldn't want to alter? I mean I want 210 00:13:40,639 --> 00:13:43,039 to I want to take a thc edible right now 211 00:13:43,080 --> 00:13:49,080 hearing the story, let alone, it's like right, but yes, 212 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,480 and yes, just be reasonable with ourselves, like you did 213 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,600 what you needed to do to get through what you 214 00:13:54,639 --> 00:13:55,440 needed to get through. 215 00:13:55,639 --> 00:13:58,320 Speaker 2: Yes, and I and I've really worked hard not to 216 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:00,440 have shame about it, because I think think that's a 217 00:14:00,519 --> 00:14:02,279 thing that takes us back out a lot. 218 00:14:02,320 --> 00:14:04,399 Speaker 1: I've seen it, and it makes people not want to 219 00:14:04,879 --> 00:14:08,120 be in a program if they feel like people are 220 00:14:08,159 --> 00:14:10,559 going to judge or even that we need to judge ourselves, 221 00:14:10,559 --> 00:14:12,200 like it doesn't it's okay. 222 00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:15,720 Speaker 2: But you know me, yeah, thank you, thank you. I've 223 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:18,519 always known that, Steph. I've always known that you don't 224 00:14:18,519 --> 00:14:22,000 have that, you know that that judgment. And most of 225 00:14:22,039 --> 00:14:24,879 the you know, most of the women I'm close to, 226 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:29,879 people I'm close to, don't you know. There's so many people, 227 00:14:30,039 --> 00:14:32,559 all the women, all the moms, you know, they're like, 228 00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:36,919 can't imagine, you know, whatever you need to do, you know. 229 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:42,399 And and here's the thing. I went out because we 230 00:14:42,519 --> 00:14:46,120 lost her and I could not figure out how to live. 231 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:53,399 And I came back two plus years later because I'd 232 00:14:53,399 --> 00:14:57,080 written a show for her and it wasn't really finished. 233 00:14:57,080 --> 00:14:59,279 I continued to work on it for another three years, 234 00:14:59,759 --> 00:15:02,759 but for another almost four years. I mean it was 235 00:15:02,919 --> 00:15:06,960 I worked on it for six years total, through four 236 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:11,360 surgeries and a pandemic. But I'd written this thing. I'd 237 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:14,000 promised her. I had promised her that I would be 238 00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:15,919 the artist that she wanted me to be, because she 239 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:19,440 used to she used to she used to get right 240 00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,759 on me. She used to say, I don't I don't 241 00:15:21,759 --> 00:15:24,600 talk about this. I do, but not too much. She 242 00:15:24,679 --> 00:15:26,480 was just she said to me a couple of different 243 00:15:26,519 --> 00:15:29,639 times when she was like eighteen, I think our daughters 244 00:15:29,679 --> 00:15:34,159 become our mothers sometimes they get wiser. And she said 245 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:38,240 to me, Marm, Marm, I was, marm, you have the 246 00:15:38,279 --> 00:15:41,480 most talent of all of us. You could do anything. 247 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,240 What the fuck is the matter with you? Why don't 248 00:15:44,279 --> 00:15:45,799 you you know? It's like, well, you don't know what 249 00:15:46,039 --> 00:15:47,840 from it is. You don't know what this is, you know? 250 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:50,960 And I didn't even say that. I was just kind 251 00:15:50,960 --> 00:15:53,159 of floored that she would say something like that. But 252 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:57,440 when she was in her coma a friend of ours 253 00:15:58,159 --> 00:16:01,960 from the progressive school they'd gone to, and I was 254 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,360 talking about I didn't want to do anything anymore. I just, 255 00:16:04,399 --> 00:16:07,279 you know, I don't know how to live. And I 256 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:10,360 told her that story and about what Nora had said 257 00:16:10,399 --> 00:16:12,600 to me, and she said, well, that's what you have 258 00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:16,360 to do. And she was like, iron about it, that's 259 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,519 what you have to do. You have to promise her 260 00:16:18,879 --> 00:16:21,759 that you will do that. You have to promise her 261 00:16:21,879 --> 00:16:25,080 that you will be the artist she wanted you to be. 262 00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:29,440 And I did. I went in and spoke to her 263 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:34,159 and I told her that, and you know, you can't 264 00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:39,799 break that kind of promise. You can't. So I started 265 00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:42,399 working on this show and not knowing what it was 266 00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:46,840 going to be exactly, you know, weeks after and Anne, 267 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,679 who was also a programm I talked to her before 268 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:53,159 that about helping me with this other show, and so 269 00:16:53,879 --> 00:16:56,679 she knew what had happened, but we hadn't spoken. I 270 00:16:56,759 --> 00:16:59,919 called her two a couple of weeks after and said, 271 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,080 and I still want to work with you, but it's 272 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,240 not the same show now, and she said, yeah, I know. 273 00:17:05,119 --> 00:17:08,680 And she you know here it is this person in 274 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:12,359 our meeting that came to me and became my dramatoric 275 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:17,400 for the first year. And but you know, I slipped out. 276 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:22,559 I was doing edibles. I never drank. I hardly ever 277 00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,079 even smoked a joint. It just seemed too much to me. 278 00:17:25,599 --> 00:17:29,519 But the way that I got along was poppin' edibles 279 00:17:29,519 --> 00:17:31,960 and they absolutely got me high. I mean, there's no 280 00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:35,160 you know, were you just. 281 00:17:35,119 --> 00:17:38,920 Speaker 1: Out of curiosity? Yeah, this is like a sobriety story podcast. 282 00:17:39,279 --> 00:17:43,759 Were you going to like weed stores and like, were 283 00:17:43,759 --> 00:17:46,359 you starting to think about it the similar to the alcohol. 284 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:47,960 Were you like, oh, okay, I'm going to have my 285 00:17:48,039 --> 00:17:49,279 gum me it's funny. 286 00:17:49,519 --> 00:17:53,599 Speaker 2: Oh honey, all right. First of all, as time went on, 287 00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:57,599 At first it really was like a drug deal because 288 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:02,240 I always went to the higher half because they were primo. 289 00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:05,680 And I would drive and of these weed star names, 290 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,839 oh my god, and I would I would order. You 291 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,200 could order call up or order online, and then you 292 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:15,680 would drive the back you know, the back way and 293 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:17,359 pull up to the back of the store. So it 294 00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:20,559 was liked, and they would run out with your little bag. 295 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:26,319 And then after a certain period of time they started delivering. 296 00:18:26,759 --> 00:18:32,319 Are you kidding? It was like Heaven delivering now. Ps. 297 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:36,000 I can't tell you how much money I spent because 298 00:18:36,039 --> 00:18:39,200 it was a lot. It was several hundred I mean 299 00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:43,160 at least one hundred dollars or and more a week 300 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,039 by insurance. What not covered by insurance? 301 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:50,519 Speaker 1: No, it was dark necessary but not covering. 302 00:18:50,119 --> 00:18:51,200 Speaker 3: You, you know. 303 00:18:51,359 --> 00:18:54,519 Speaker 2: And and I think I said this when I shared 304 00:18:54,599 --> 00:18:57,920 the other day, and I do believe this that if 305 00:18:58,039 --> 00:19:06,880 I that doing you know, doing THC, getting yourself altered, 306 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:12,240 you know, whatever, would have been okay to do instead 307 00:19:12,279 --> 00:19:16,720 of Xanax and a bunch of pharmaceuticals. If I, if 308 00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:20,119 I wasn't an alcoholic. If I wasn't an alcoholic, it 309 00:19:20,119 --> 00:19:22,400 would have been a great plan because then I could 310 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:27,000 stay away from all the farm pharmaceuticals. But this horrible, 311 00:19:27,079 --> 00:19:30,839 unimaginable thing happened and I could get along doing that 312 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,240 for a while. But you know, if I wasn't an alcoholic, 313 00:19:33,279 --> 00:19:36,119 I could have I wouldn't have progressed. I wouldn't have 314 00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:37,519 started doing more and more and more. 315 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:41,519 Speaker 1: There's all these there's people that I know that are sober, 316 00:19:42,039 --> 00:19:48,920 but they do take teaps, take gut, take edible, no edibles. 317 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:51,359 I'm saying, not people that you and I know, but 318 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:55,119 there's people. There's people that they could they consider themselves. 319 00:19:54,640 --> 00:19:56,160 Speaker 2: Sober or California sober. 320 00:19:56,240 --> 00:20:00,279 Speaker 1: Yeah, California is sober and they take edibles. And used 321 00:20:00,279 --> 00:20:02,319 to trigger me a little bit because I would think like, well, 322 00:20:02,359 --> 00:20:05,000 that's not fair, Like I want to I would. 323 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,359 Speaker 2: Like to do that too. Why can't I do that? Right? 324 00:20:07,559 --> 00:20:10,000 Speaker 1: Like, why can't I just be California's sober? I won't drink. 325 00:20:10,279 --> 00:20:14,039 But the thing is, once you know about yourself, once 326 00:20:14,079 --> 00:20:18,240 you have admitted to your innermost self, I know for 327 00:20:18,319 --> 00:20:20,400 a fact I would also be like that. I would 328 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,519 be that I would be thinking about it in the morning. 329 00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:23,880 I would be like, I can't wait for. 330 00:20:23,839 --> 00:20:26,440 Speaker 2: Tonight, and it would creep, which like, yeah, I plan 331 00:20:26,880 --> 00:20:31,839 the same way I talked about thought about alcohol a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 332 00:20:32,079 --> 00:20:33,960 It just you know, and it escalated. First it was 333 00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:37,400 five million ten, you know, and it escalated. I never 334 00:20:38,519 --> 00:20:42,640 you know, my wreckage was was not as noticeable as 335 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,680 it would have been. I never drank, and you know, 336 00:20:45,759 --> 00:20:49,160 and I think my recovery because by that time I'd 337 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:53,440 been around for a long time. I think my my 338 00:20:53,559 --> 00:20:55,880 recovery was up here all the time. You know, I 339 00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,400 didn't forget that this. I didn't drink. I didn't you know, 340 00:20:58,519 --> 00:20:59,359 do other drugs. 341 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,000 Speaker 1: Were you going to meetings during that two years. 342 00:21:02,119 --> 00:21:07,279 Speaker 2: I did for a while, and and it was all, 343 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:10,240 you know, pandemic zoom. So I didn't go to in 344 00:21:10,279 --> 00:21:12,880 person meetings, but I would go to meetings and just 345 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,400 kind of sit back and not share, and you know, 346 00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:19,880 and after a while it was like I kept going 347 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:22,359 for quite some time, and then I just couldn't because 348 00:21:22,359 --> 00:21:25,799 I because I won't. I wasn't going to say I 349 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:29,039 was sober, you know. At a certain point, I was 350 00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:33,119 just like, I'm not going to do that, so I wasn't. 351 00:21:34,039 --> 00:21:38,240 I don't even think sporadically after a while. But here's 352 00:21:38,279 --> 00:21:43,880 the thank Stefph. I went out because of the loss 353 00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:48,720 of my child, but I came back in twenty twenty 354 00:21:48,759 --> 00:21:53,720 one because i'd finished a first draft. It, you know, 355 00:21:53,839 --> 00:21:56,279 went through a lot more, but I'd finished a first draft, 356 00:21:56,279 --> 00:21:58,839 and at that time I was supposed to go to 357 00:21:58,839 --> 00:22:03,039 New York to do a a solo festival, and I 358 00:22:03,079 --> 00:22:06,599 didn't because I this terrible thing happened. I got an 359 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:10,359 obstruction in my in my stomach, and they had to 360 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,119 put me in the hospital. It was like last minute, 361 00:22:12,119 --> 00:22:13,880 all of a sudden, they collapsed and they took me 362 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:17,119 to the hospital. Was whatever God or my body saying 363 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:20,599 you're not ready to do this. But before we started 364 00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:25,000 really getting into it, rehearsing and you know, singing the songs, 365 00:22:25,039 --> 00:22:29,519 doing the things, trying to get it directed, I knew 366 00:22:29,559 --> 00:22:33,559 I couldn't do it if I wasn't sober. I knew 367 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,839 that I would talk to my kind of tempt sponsor 368 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:38,079 Bird you know, she wasn't really my sponsor, but I 369 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:42,000 talked to her all the time and say, I know 370 00:22:42,079 --> 00:22:45,279 I can't do this if I'm not sober, and I 371 00:22:45,319 --> 00:22:49,240 set a date, you know, September seventeenth. Okay, that's it, 372 00:22:49,279 --> 00:22:52,319 because then I have to start rehearsing. And so I 373 00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:55,480 went out because of losing her, and I came back 374 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,559 because of the promise that I made because I had to. 375 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,720 I had, I knew I had to be sober. I 376 00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,000 couldn't do this eighty five minute, you know, like I 377 00:23:03,039 --> 00:23:06,799 couldn't a million years. And that's and I got sober. 378 00:23:06,839 --> 00:23:10,680 And oddly enough, I guess because you know, that's all 379 00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:12,920 i'd done is pop edibles. I mean, I can't say 380 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:15,319 I didn't think about it, and I don't still sometimes like, 381 00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:18,680 darn it, darn it. I like that, it's a TV. 382 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:19,240 Speaker 1: I like that. 383 00:23:19,319 --> 00:23:22,559 Speaker 2: Blah blah blah. I love it. I love it, but 384 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,680 I'm not at the edge of doing it. And as 385 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:31,599 long as I when I when I stopped on September seventeenth, 386 00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:36,160 twenty twenty one, it wasn't hard again, just like when 387 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,599 I stopped drinking, it wasn't that hard. I maybe because 388 00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:43,279 I had purpose, you know, maybe because I had to 389 00:23:43,279 --> 00:23:47,559 do this thing. I don't know, you know, because because 390 00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:51,440 every day is still hard, you know, it's never ending. 391 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:58,079 When you lose a child, but I don't know, maybe 392 00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:04,680 because of that unimaginable wound. When I got sober again, 393 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:13,319 I feel like I've been more conscious, more willing, just 394 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:20,359 more honest and different than even my other sobrieties were. 395 00:24:21,200 --> 00:24:24,359 It's just deeper. I don't know if it's being older 396 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:28,440 or because of her, you know, because of having a 397 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:32,160 broken heart, but it feels stronger than it's ever felt. 398 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:35,319 And I've got not quite four and a half years now. 399 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:37,599 I think that's amazing. 400 00:24:37,839 --> 00:24:42,240 Speaker 1: And I've watched you deal with this and be brave 401 00:24:42,559 --> 00:24:45,599 and show up at meetings even when I know you 402 00:24:45,640 --> 00:24:51,119 didn't want to be there. And I mean it's kind 403 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:56,039 of overused in trite, but it's inspirational to think that 404 00:24:56,160 --> 00:25:00,640 you can still be sober even after the appsolce worst thing. 405 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:04,400 There couldn't be anything worse that could happen, and you're 406 00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:07,640 a person who's been through that, still going through that. 407 00:25:07,759 --> 00:25:10,680 It doesn't go away. We've talked about this, but the 408 00:25:10,759 --> 00:25:14,960 fact that you're even trying, I mean, you are sober, 409 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,039 but I'm saying the fact that you would even try, 410 00:25:17,680 --> 00:25:19,799 I just I just feel like it would be so 411 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,720 much easier to just go, Like why why am I 412 00:25:22,759 --> 00:25:26,440 going to feel that every day? And I mean, you 413 00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,559 know this is we drink because we're alcoholics, right like, 414 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:33,799 I mean because it works, because it worked when I 415 00:25:33,839 --> 00:25:37,079 was fourteen, and I'm sure it would still work now. 416 00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:38,920 It's just that we. 417 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:42,559 Speaker 2: Like being altered. We love it, love it, love it, 418 00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:43,359 love it. 419 00:25:44,519 --> 00:25:46,720 Speaker 3: We're not people that don't want to be altered, or 420 00:25:46,759 --> 00:25:49,960 you don't like being altered like pot and all that 421 00:25:50,119 --> 00:25:54,519 much more in comparison to being sloppy drunk. 422 00:25:55,039 --> 00:25:59,039 Speaker 2: But but I love to be altered. I loved cocaine, 423 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:03,039 I loved edibles, you know, and I loved when I 424 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:06,000 got drunk. It was just that was something that I 425 00:26:06,039 --> 00:26:08,240 could handle better when I was younger, and it never 426 00:26:08,279 --> 00:26:10,640 has appealed to me since. But man, I love to 427 00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:11,720 be altered. Absolutely. 428 00:26:11,759 --> 00:26:14,480 Speaker 1: The problem is not that we didn't want to be 429 00:26:14,559 --> 00:26:17,240 altered anymore the problem is that it doesn't work to 430 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:20,240 be altered because we can't function in our lives. Like 431 00:26:20,599 --> 00:26:23,559 you reach a point where you're like, look, I was 432 00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:26,079 relating to and maybe this was in part one, but 433 00:26:26,119 --> 00:26:29,960 that idea of like a window cracked open, you know, 434 00:26:30,519 --> 00:26:34,039 my bottom, and it sounds to me like in both 435 00:26:34,079 --> 00:26:37,839 your cases, the bottom. It's not that the bottom was 436 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:42,160 so low, It's that I just had a moment when 437 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,720 I recognized that I was not functioning and this was 438 00:26:45,799 --> 00:26:47,440 going somewhere bad. 439 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:53,279 Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think we're similar that way, because we're 440 00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:56,960 both what could be called high bottom trunks. But one 441 00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,960 of the things that you know, I've come to realize 442 00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:02,519 and believe is that there's kind of no such thing. 443 00:27:02,799 --> 00:27:06,680 I agree, no, yes, well, because everybody's bottom is what 444 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:07,640 it is, right. 445 00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:10,759 Speaker 1: Yeah, But that that bottom for me was like the 446 00:27:10,799 --> 00:27:13,599 window opening was going, oh here, I've done this thing 447 00:27:14,079 --> 00:27:20,720 that uh I couldn't imagine myself doing, and yet I 448 00:27:20,799 --> 00:27:24,839 did driving in the car after having many drinks, and 449 00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:28,799 then I had to. I had that epiphany of like, oh, well, 450 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:31,680 I will do that again, because why wouldn't I Because 451 00:27:31,759 --> 00:27:34,119 this is how I am when I'm drinking. I think 452 00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:37,160 things make sense. I think I'm way more sober than 453 00:27:37,160 --> 00:27:40,480 I am. That was my big thing. I always felt 454 00:27:40,519 --> 00:27:43,680 like I'm fine, and I don't understand people looking at 455 00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:45,920 me with judgment like I'm drunk, right, I'm. 456 00:27:45,720 --> 00:27:46,559 Speaker 2: Not just right. 457 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:50,440 Speaker 1: So I had a moment the window opened, and I 458 00:27:50,559 --> 00:27:54,000 was like I could stop. I could I mean, it's 459 00:27:54,039 --> 00:27:56,720 gonna be hard. I could ask for help and stop 460 00:27:56,799 --> 00:28:00,279 this behavior that is clearly risky for me, and I 461 00:28:00,759 --> 00:28:03,440 don't know. It was like jumping off a high dive 462 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:05,119 because I was like, I don't know all that it's 463 00:28:05,160 --> 00:28:08,480 going to entail. It doesn't seem great, like having to 464 00:28:08,559 --> 00:28:11,440 realize stuff about myself, but I need to do it. 465 00:28:11,519 --> 00:28:15,960 So I the window opened, I climbed through it. 466 00:28:17,039 --> 00:28:19,039 Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think my window open too, but I 467 00:28:19,079 --> 00:28:21,200 feel but I think back on it, it was more 468 00:28:21,319 --> 00:28:25,039 like it was more like I was hypnotized or something 469 00:28:25,279 --> 00:28:30,079 because because she said that, you know, said you're an 470 00:28:30,079 --> 00:28:33,599 alcoholic on the phone, and something just went blink, you know, 471 00:28:33,960 --> 00:28:37,880 like like star trek into my brain, like you know, bink. 472 00:28:38,319 --> 00:28:41,640 And I hung up and I was like, okay, I'm 473 00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:45,160 an alcoholic, and you know, I was sweeping and sobbing 474 00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:47,880 and calling Gwen and saying yea, yeah. 475 00:28:47,680 --> 00:28:47,839 Speaker 3: You know. 476 00:28:48,240 --> 00:28:50,880 Speaker 2: But I also just like went to a meeting. I 477 00:28:51,079 --> 00:28:52,880 found a meeting. I went to a meeting, and it 478 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:55,440 was sort of like I was in a trance almost 479 00:28:55,799 --> 00:28:59,000 and I wasn't as conscious about like now is the 480 00:28:59,079 --> 00:29:01,200 time and I have you know, it was just like 481 00:29:01,519 --> 00:29:05,359 all the tears come. Oh, I see I go to 482 00:29:05,400 --> 00:29:08,480 a meeting and then and then something is lifted, and 483 00:29:09,039 --> 00:29:12,400 that's I feel really fortunate about. You know, I've never 484 00:29:12,839 --> 00:29:15,359 particularly I mean, yeah, sometimes it looks good and all 485 00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:18,559 that kind of stuff, and especially with edible sometimes yeah, 486 00:29:18,599 --> 00:29:23,160 I like, but I don't white knuckle, and I feel 487 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,039 really like I'm a very I don't think you do either. 488 00:29:26,519 --> 00:29:31,400 Speaker 1: No, same, Well, it's I think I reached a point 489 00:29:31,519 --> 00:29:34,599 where I was like, if I do this again, and 490 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:37,799 even when I think and romanticize, like but all the 491 00:29:37,839 --> 00:29:40,440 people that are California sober, maybe I could do that too. 492 00:29:40,799 --> 00:29:45,559 Or manytimes that you've been sober sixteen years, like maybe 493 00:29:45,559 --> 00:29:47,759 I could handle it now, Like I got sober when 494 00:29:47,759 --> 00:29:51,200 my kids were really young. Like this is just sometimes often, 495 00:29:51,319 --> 00:29:54,079 but sometimes my brain goes or I hear about somebody 496 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:56,440 or I see something and I go, you know, my 497 00:29:56,559 --> 00:29:58,480 kids were so young, I was having I was a 498 00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:02,480 very stressful time. I had postpartum depression. Like maybe I 499 00:30:02,519 --> 00:30:06,160 could drink. All I have to do is remember how 500 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:08,960 I was before, right before I came in, how I 501 00:30:09,039 --> 00:30:11,960 was when I was fourteen, and I'm able to go like, 502 00:30:12,680 --> 00:30:15,240 why would you possibly think it will be any different 503 00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,720 there's never been a time. You've never had an example 504 00:30:18,799 --> 00:30:21,359 in your license you started drinking of a time where 505 00:30:21,359 --> 00:30:23,880 you just drink because you just enjoyed it, you just 506 00:30:23,920 --> 00:30:27,880 handled it well. Never from the first time it went 507 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:31,240 it went sour the very first time I drank. It's like, 508 00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:34,599 there's so all I have to do is think about that. 509 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:38,200 It's the think through the drink, and then I go, Yeah, 510 00:30:38,279 --> 00:30:40,720 probably not a good idea for me to take even 511 00:30:40,799 --> 00:30:43,640 one edible with THHC. Because I will enjoy it. 512 00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:46,319 Speaker 2: I will love it. I will love it. I will 513 00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:48,279 love it, I will want to do it again. 514 00:30:48,400 --> 00:30:50,799 Speaker 1: I will not be able to stop very easily. 515 00:30:50,519 --> 00:30:52,559 Speaker 2: Be able to sell them now and then I won't 516 00:30:52,559 --> 00:30:54,200 get any of this. How am I going to have 517 00:30:54,240 --> 00:30:55,519 a podcast? 518 00:30:56,519 --> 00:30:57,880 Speaker 1: How would you do a show? 519 00:30:58,000 --> 00:31:00,920 Speaker 2: I won't be able to share it? Right, right? I would? 520 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,440 I would not in a zillion years be able to 521 00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:05,839 do this, this thing that I'm doing where I'm on 522 00:31:05,960 --> 00:31:09,119 a stage for eighty five minutes and it's all my 523 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:13,000 words and music and songs, and how in God's name 524 00:31:13,039 --> 00:31:14,559 does that happen? I don't even know. 525 00:31:14,799 --> 00:31:16,759 Speaker 1: Yeah, so tell me tell us about the show. 526 00:31:18,279 --> 00:31:24,359 Speaker 2: It's called Unconditional and you know, I I describe it 527 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,119 as sort of a love letter of my family, and 528 00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:29,200 uh and and and. 529 00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:32,759 Speaker 1: By the way I've seen it, it's beautiful. You have 530 00:31:32,759 --> 00:31:36,839 a gorgeous singing voice, and it's so moving you're gonna cry. 531 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:39,440 Go see it, Yeah, going. 532 00:31:39,599 --> 00:31:40,039 Speaker 2: Go see it. 533 00:31:40,079 --> 00:31:40,920 Speaker 1: I'm sure different. 534 00:31:41,319 --> 00:31:43,920 Speaker 2: It's our story. But there's a lot I mean, the 535 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:46,279 thing that I worked really hard on and worked with 536 00:31:46,319 --> 00:31:50,519 Ann on too, I wanted to have I didn't want 537 00:31:50,519 --> 00:31:53,519 people to walk out, you know, want to slit the wrists, 538 00:31:54,359 --> 00:31:58,400 and it is, it is, it is hard sometimes, but 539 00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:01,880 I wanted to put in a lot of what was 540 00:32:02,319 --> 00:32:05,359 even with all the turmoil, you know, even with everything 541 00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:07,400 between me and Patton, with all the dads and all 542 00:32:07,400 --> 00:32:12,160 that stuff, what was magical and lovely and you know, 543 00:32:14,039 --> 00:32:15,920 just the best thing I've ever done with my life, 544 00:32:16,119 --> 00:32:19,960 you know, absolutely the best thing. And and I wanted 545 00:32:20,799 --> 00:32:24,200 to have that on record, you know, I wanted and 546 00:32:24,279 --> 00:32:27,359 I wanted to make it a lovely thing, you know, 547 00:32:28,200 --> 00:32:31,119 a lovely thing that was sad in times, but also 548 00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:37,240 just magical and whimsical too, you know. And so I 549 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:39,559 mean that's you know, there's a lot of stories about 550 00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:42,000 the kids when they were kids, there's you know, there's 551 00:32:42,799 --> 00:32:45,119 you know, there's when they were born. There's what it's 552 00:32:45,279 --> 00:32:48,480 like to you know, to be a gay couple and 553 00:32:48,799 --> 00:32:50,799 have this happen when you're in your forties and you 554 00:32:50,839 --> 00:32:56,519 know how crazy is that and what it's like to 555 00:32:58,119 --> 00:33:01,799 have to stand up. And I mean, I think there's 556 00:33:01,839 --> 00:33:06,960 so much that we all can identify with with how 557 00:33:07,000 --> 00:33:10,039 do we go on? Because people there's so many losses 558 00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:13,720 are I mean, you know, loss is loss. You know, 559 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,480 loss is loss. And then we wake up and find 560 00:33:17,519 --> 00:33:20,119 ourselves in fifty pieces on the floor, and you know, 561 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:21,880 it's like, how do I go on today? How do 562 00:33:21,960 --> 00:33:24,680 I fit these pieces? Oh? This is actually my leg 563 00:33:24,720 --> 00:33:26,599 it goes over here. You know, how do we put 564 00:33:26,599 --> 00:33:31,000 ourselves back together? And just one every day at a time. 565 00:33:31,400 --> 00:33:34,319 Not it's never done. It's never done for any of us. 566 00:33:35,039 --> 00:33:36,000 I don't think it is. 567 00:33:36,119 --> 00:33:36,279 Speaker 3: You know. 568 00:33:36,319 --> 00:33:39,039 Speaker 2: I think we wake up every day, whether we're alcoholic, 569 00:33:39,079 --> 00:33:41,960 whether or not, and just like, how do I do 570 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:45,000 this today? Especially now with the world the way it is, 571 00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:47,160 you know, and especially with all the people that died 572 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:51,519 in the pandemic. I mean our world is tough, you know, 573 00:33:52,319 --> 00:33:55,680 So I guess I think that's what's What I want 574 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:59,960 people to take away from it is is, yes, resilience 575 00:34:00,119 --> 00:34:04,240 is I don't have the right to waste what was 576 00:34:04,279 --> 00:34:07,319 taken away from my daughter. She didn't get this life. 577 00:34:08,039 --> 00:34:09,800 You know. I wake up and it could be just 578 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:13,119 a fucking nightmare, or it could be really lovely and magical. 579 00:34:14,039 --> 00:34:18,639 So it's it's a gift beyond measure to be able 580 00:34:18,639 --> 00:34:21,199 to wake up in the morning, you know. And she 581 00:34:21,239 --> 00:34:23,360 didn't get to happen after nineteen years. 582 00:34:24,199 --> 00:34:30,280 Speaker 1: So, Margo, I love you. I love this conversation. I 583 00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,119 love your business. I love how kind you are but 584 00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:36,920 also funny and with some edge and edge. 585 00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:37,599 Speaker 2: We love edge. 586 00:34:37,679 --> 00:34:40,960 Speaker 1: I love this episode, these episodes, and I just think 587 00:34:41,079 --> 00:34:43,320 I can't thank you enough for taking the time. 588 00:34:43,559 --> 00:34:47,480 Speaker 2: I'm so happy that asked me. I'm so happy it's 589 00:34:47,519 --> 00:34:48,280 about time. 590 00:34:52,119 --> 00:34:54,480 Speaker 1: And so tell us again. Okay, do you have dates? 591 00:34:54,599 --> 00:34:55,920 You have dates for the show. 592 00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:57,800 Speaker 2: That I can put on the just we have one 593 00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:02,400 date at the LGBT Center in Hollywood, and I'll have 594 00:35:02,559 --> 00:35:06,159 postcards and stuff and all that is it? Is it 595 00:35:06,159 --> 00:35:07,280 February twenty. 596 00:35:07,000 --> 00:35:10,239 Speaker 1: Eighth, February twenty Okay, I will put it in the 597 00:35:10,239 --> 00:35:12,960 description of the episode. I'll even do I'll do a 598 00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:16,320 link for the tickets. Uh yeah, And I will see 599 00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:18,000 you probably in the next few days. 600 00:35:18,320 --> 00:35:19,119 Speaker 2: Yes, I will. 601 00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:22,920 Speaker 1: Okay, I love you Today, everybody it's got 602 00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:27,599 Speaker 2: In line is good, good again.