Speaker 1: You know, there's a very peculiar and often painful predicament
Speaker 1: that spiritually awakened people find themselves in when it comes
Speaker 1: to romantic relationships. They discover that the very awakening that
Speaker 1: has brought them so much clarity, so much peace, so
Speaker 1: much understanding about the nature of existence, has simultaneously made
Speaker 1: it extraordinarily difficult to find someone to share their life with.
Speaker 2: And this isn't because there's something wrong with them.
Speaker 1: It's because they've changed in a fundamental way that makes
Speaker 1: them incompatible with the way most people approach love and relationships.
Speaker 1: Let me explain what I mean. When you wake up spiritually,
Speaker 1: when you see through the illusions that most people live by,
Speaker 1: you stop playing certain games, you stop pretending, you stop performing,
Speaker 1: You become authentic in a way that most people find unsettling.
Speaker 1: And nowhere is this more problematic than in the arena
Speaker 1: of romantic love. Because romantic love, as it's typically practice
Speaker 1: in our culture, is almost entirely based on games, performances,
Speaker 1: and illusions. Think about what passes for courtship, for dating,
Speaker 1: for the pursuit of romantic connection in the ordinary world.
Speaker 1: It's an elaborate dance of deception. Isn't it not malicious
Speaker 1: deception necessarily, but deception nonetheless. People present carefully curated versions
Speaker 1: of themselves. They hide their flaws, exaggerate their virtues, play
Speaker 1: hard to get, pretend to be more confident, or more mysterious,
Speaker 1: or more successful than they actually are. The whole thing
Speaker 1: is a performance, a game of strategy and manipulation, even
Speaker 1: when it's done with the best of intentions. But the
Speaker 1: awakened person can't play this game anymore. They've lost the
Speaker 1: ability to be inauthentic. They can't pretend to be something
Speaker 1: they're not. They can't play COI or mysterious when they're
Speaker 1: fundamentally transparent. They can't engage in the push and pull,
Speaker 1: the advance and retreat, the testing and withholding that characterize
Speaker 1: as is ordinary romantic pursuit, and so they immediately find
Speaker 1: themselves at a disadvantage in the conventional dating world. Moreover,
Speaker 1: the awakened person has seen through one of the fundamental
Speaker 1: illusions that drives romantic seeking, which is the belief that
Speaker 1: another person can complete you, can make you whole, can
Speaker 1: fill the emptiness inside you. They've discovered that you are
Speaker 1: already whole, that there is no emptiness that needs filling.
Speaker 1: That the sense of lack that drives most romantic pursuit
Speaker 1: is itself an illusion. And once you've realized this, once
Speaker 1: you've tasted the completeness of your own being, you can't
Speaker 1: go back to seeking completion in another person. But here's
Speaker 1: the problem. Most people who are available for romantic relationships
Speaker 1: are precisely those who are seeking completion. They're looking for
Speaker 1: someone to make them happy, to give them a sense
Speaker 1: of purpose, to validate their existence, to fill their inner void.
Speaker 1: This is what drives the romantic quest for most Pears people.
Speaker 1: And when such a person encounters someone who isn't seeking
Speaker 1: these things, who doesn't need them to feel complete, who
Speaker 1: is already whole in themselves, there's often a lack of chemistry,
Speaker 1: a lack of the familiar romantic tension.
Speaker 2: You see.
Speaker 1: What we call chemistry in romantic relationships is often just
Speaker 1: the resonance of two incompleteness patterns recognizing each other. Two
Speaker 1: people who both have avoid meet and their voids fit
Speaker 1: together in a complimentary way. He needs someone to take
Speaker 1: care of she needs someone to take care of her.
Speaker 1: He needs someone to validate his masculinity. She needs someone
Speaker 1: to make her feel secure. The needs lock together like
Speaker 1: puzzle pieces, and we call this falling in love. But
Speaker 1: the awakened person doesn't have these needs, or at least
Speaker 1: not in the same desperate way, and so when they
Speaker 1: meet someone who is driven by these needs, there's no lock,
Speaker 1: no click, no spark of recognition. The other person feels
Speaker 1: that something is missing, though they usually can't articulate what
Speaker 1: it is. They might say the awakened person is too detached,
Speaker 1: too independent, too self sufficient. What they're really sensing is
Speaker 1: the absence of neediness, and neediness is what they are
Speaker 1: unconsciously looking for because it matches their own There's another
Speaker 1: aspect to this difficulty, which has to do with the
Speaker 1: nature of authentic relating. The awakened person has learned to
Speaker 1: relate from presents, from simply being with another person without
Speaker 1: a genda, without trying to get something, without performing or manipulating.
Speaker 1: This is a very rare and precious kind of relating,
Speaker 1: but it's not what most people are looking for in
Speaker 1: romantic connection. Most people want intensity, drama, the highs and
Speaker 1: lows of passionate attachment. They want to feel swept away,
Speaker 1: to experience the drug like effect of romantic infatuation.
Speaker 2: To lose themselves in another person.
Speaker 1: But the awakened person can't provide this because they've seen
Speaker 1: through it. They know that what's called romantic passion is
Speaker 1: often just the excitement of too ear ees trying to
Speaker 1: consume each other, two separate selves trying to merge into
Speaker 1: one to escape the pain of their imagined separateness. The
Speaker 1: awakened person offers something different. They offer genuine presents, authentic connection,
Speaker 1: the meeting of two beings who recognize their essential oneness
Speaker 1: while honoring their apparent difference. But this doesn't feel like
Speaker 1: falling in love to someone who's waiting for that euphoric
Speaker 1: high of romantic infatuation. It feels too calm, too stable,
Speaker 1: too grounded. Where's the excitement, where's the obsession? Where's the
Speaker 1: feeling of being unable to live without the other person?
Speaker 1: And so the awakened person is often passed over. They're
Speaker 1: too peaceful for people who are addicted to drama. They're
Speaker 1: too authentic for people who are comfortable with masks.
Speaker 2: They're too whole for.
Speaker 1: People who are looking for someone to complete them. They're
Speaker 1: dismissed as boring or unromantic or emotionally unavailable, when really
Speaker 1: they're just operating at a different level of consciousness. Let
Speaker 1: me tell you about another problem. The awakened person tends
Speaker 1: to see people very clearly. They see through the social
Speaker 1: masks the personas the carefully constructed self images that people present.
Speaker 1: They see the insecurity beneath the confidence, the fear beneath
Speaker 1: the bravado, the neediness beneath the independence. And while they
Speaker 1: see all this with compassion, without judgment, this clarity makes
Speaker 1: it very difficult to participate in the romantic illusion you see.
Speaker 1: Romantic love as it's typically practiced, requires a certain amount
Speaker 1: of projection, of fantasy, of seeing the other person not
Speaker 1: as they are, but as you want them to be.
Speaker 1: You project your ideals on to them. You see them
Speaker 1: through rose colored glasses. You fall in love not with
Speaker 1: the actual person, but with your idea of the person.
Speaker 1: This is why people often say after a relationship ends,
Speaker 1: I didn't really know them at all. But the awakened
Speaker 1: person can't do this. They see too clearly. They see
Speaker 1: the actual person with all their conditioning, all their wounds,
Speaker 1: all their patterns and limitations. And while they can love
Speaker 1: this person, they can't romanticize them in the way that
Speaker 1: ordinary romantic love requires. They can't pretend the person is
Speaker 1: something they're not. They can't lose themselves in a fantasy.
Speaker 1: This clarity, this ability to see what is, makes the
Speaker 1: awakened person a very uncomfortable romantic partner for most people,
Speaker 1: because most people, when they're being seen clearly feel exposed, vulnerable,
Speaker 1: even attacked. They've built their identity on certain illusions about themselves,
Speaker 1: and they need their romantic partner to support these illusions,
Speaker 1: to reflect back to them the image they want to
Speaker 1: believe in.
Speaker 2: But the awakened person can't do this.
Speaker 1: Their very presence, their very way of seeing, threatens these
Speaker 1: comfortable illusions. There's also the matter of pace. The awakened
Speaker 1: person is comfortable with slowness, with taking time, with letting
Speaker 1: things unfold naturally. They're not in a hurry because they're
Speaker 1: not trying to fill a void or escape from themselves
Speaker 1: or prove something. They can be patient can allow a
Speaker 1: relationship to develop organically, can let intimacy deepen gradually. But
Speaker 1: most people in the romantic market place are operating with
Speaker 1: a sense of urgency. They're getting older, their biological clock
Speaker 1: is ticking, all their friends are coupled up. They're tired,
Speaker 1: of being alone. They want things to move quickly. They
Speaker 1: want to know after three dates whether this is going somewhere.
Speaker 1: They want commitment, they want certainty, they want to lock
Speaker 1: things down. And the awakened person, with their natural slowness,
Speaker 1: their lack of urgency, their comfort with uncertainty, seems indecisive, uncommitted, unavailable.
Speaker 1: The other person interprets this patience as lack of interest,
Speaker 1: when really it's just a different relationship to time, a
Speaker 1: different way of allowing connection to emerge. Let me speak
Speaker 1: about another dimension of this problem, which is the matter
Speaker 1: of shared reality. When two people come together in relationship,
Speaker 1: they create a shared world, a mutual reality built on
Speaker 1: shared beliefs, shared values, shared ways of seeing. But the
Speaker 1: awakened person's way of seeing is so different from the
Speaker 1: conventional view that it becomes very difficult to create this
Speaker 1: shared reality with someone who is still living in the
Speaker 1: conventional world. The awakened person doesn't care about many things
Speaker 1: that most people consider important social status, career advancement, accumulating possessions,
Speaker 1: keeping up with trends, what other people think. All the
Speaker 1: usual concerns of social life seem rather trivial to someone
Speaker 1: who has awakened to the deeper dimensions of existence. This
Speaker 1: doesn't mean their irresponsible or can't function in the world,
Speaker 1: but their priorities are different, their values are different, and
Speaker 1: when you're in relationship with someone whose priorities are fundamentally
Speaker 1: different from yours, there's a constant friction, a constant sense
Speaker 1: of not being on the same page. The conventional person
Speaker 1: wants to talk about their career goals, their plans for retirement,
Speaker 1: what kind of house they want to buy, where they
Speaker 1: want to go on vacation. The awakened person is interested
Speaker 1: in the nature of consciousness, the mystery of existence, the
Speaker 1: present moment, the depth beneath the surface of things. Neither
Speaker 1: perspective is wrong, but they're operating in different dimensions, and
Speaker 1: it's very difficult to meet across that gap. The awakened
Speaker 1: person feels lonely in the relationship because the other person
Speaker 1: can't meet them where they actually are. The conventional person
Speaker 1: feels frustrated because the awakened person doesn't seem to care
Speaker 1: about the things they think are important. There's also a
Speaker 1: certain loneliness that comes with awakening that makes romantic connection
Speaker 1: more difficult. When you wake up, you realize that no
Speaker 1: matter how close you are to another person, no matter
Speaker 1: how intimate the connection, you are ultimately alone. Not alone
Speaker 1: in a sad sense, but alone in the sense that
Speaker 1: your experience is uniquely your own, that no one can
Speaker 1: truly know what it's like to be you, that there's
Speaker 1: a fundamental mystery to your own existence that can never
Speaker 1: be fully.
Speaker 2: Shared or communicated.
Speaker 1: Most people are running from this existential a loneness, trying
Speaker 1: to escape it through merger with another person. This is
Speaker 1: one of the unconscious drives behind romantic seeking. If I
Speaker 1: can merge with you, if we can become one, then
Speaker 1: I won't have to face my essential loneness. But the
Speaker 1: awakened person has already faced this aloneness, has already made
Speaker 1: peace with it, has even found the beauty in it,
Speaker 1: And so they are not trying to use relationship as
Speaker 1: an escape from a loneness. But this means they come
Speaker 1: to relationship differently. They come not.
Speaker 2: From need but from choice.
Speaker 1: Not from lack, but from fullness, not to escape a loneness,
Speaker 1: but to share their already complete existence with another. And
Speaker 1: while this is a much healthier foundation for relationship, it's
Speaker 1: not what most people are looking for. Most people want
Speaker 1: some one who needs them, someone who can't imagine life
Speaker 1: without them someone who makes them feel essential. The awakened
Speaker 1: person can't provide this kind of dependency. Now, let me
Speaker 1: address something important. I'm not saying that awakened people can
Speaker 1: never find love or that they are doomed to be alone.
Speaker 1: What I am saying is that they can't find love
Speaker 1: in the ordinary way, through the ordinary channels, based on
Speaker 1: the ordinary assumptions. The kind of relationship that an awakened
Speaker 1: person can participate in is very rare because it requires
Speaker 1: two people who are both relatively awake, or at least
Speaker 1: one partner who is awake and another who is open
Speaker 1: to that depth of relating. When two awakened people meet,
Speaker 1: something entirely different becomes possible. A relationship based not on
Speaker 1: need but on celebration, not on completing each other, but
Speaker 1: on sharing their completeness, not on losing themselves in each other,
Speaker 1: but on remaining fully themselves while being together. Not on
Speaker 1: creating a comfortable illusion, but on seeing and loving what
Speaker 1: actually is. This kind of relationship is not easier than
Speaker 1: conventional relationships. In some ways, it's more challenging because there's
Speaker 1: nowhere to hide, no comfortable illusions to fall back on,
Speaker 1: no unconscious contracts to keep things stable. But it's deeper,
Speaker 1: more real, more aligned with truth, and for the awakened person,
Speaker 1: nothing less will do. The problem is finding such a person.
Speaker 1: They're rare, very rare. Most people who are available for
Speaker 1: relationship are not awakened. They are still playing the conventional game,
Speaker 1: still seeking completion in another still operating from their wounds
Speaker 1: and neediness, and the awakened person can't pretend to be at.
Speaker 2: That level any more.
Speaker 1: They can't go backwards, they can't unknow what they've learned.
Speaker 1: So what often happens is that the awakened person goes
Speaker 1: through a period of being alone, not by choice but
Speaker 1: by circumstance. They're not closed to relationship, but they can't
Speaker 1: settle for the kind of relationships that are available to them.
Speaker 1: They can't participate in the games, can't provide the neediness
Speaker 1: that others are looking for, can't play the roles that
Speaker 1: conventional romance requires. This period of a loneliness can be
Speaker 1: very difficult, especially at first. There's grief in it, the
Speaker 1: grief of realizing that you've grown beyond the kind of
Speaker 1: connection that used to be available to you. There's loneliness
Speaker 1: the recognition that you're operating at a frequency that few
Speaker 1: others attuned to. There's frustration at the difficulty of explaining
Speaker 1: to others why you can't just get out there and date,
Speaker 1: or lower your standards or be more open. But this
Speaker 1: period of a loneeness is also necessary. It's a time
Speaker 1: of deepening, of learning to be truly comfortable with yourself,
Speaker 1: of discovering that you don't need romantic relationship to be complete.
Speaker 1: And paradoxically, it's often when someone has fully accepted their
Speaker 1: al lone, when they've stopped seeking and grasping and trying
Speaker 1: to make relationship happen, that they become available for the
Speaker 1: kind of deep connection that's actually possible for them. Because
Speaker 1: here's the thing. When you're no longer desperate for connection,
Speaker 1: when you're genuinely okay with being alone, when you've stopped
Speaker 1: trying to use relationship to fill a void, you become
Speaker 1: much more attractive to the rare person who is also
Speaker 1: operating from this place of wholeness. Like recognizes like fullness,
Speaker 1: is drawn to fullness. Two people who don't need each
Speaker 1: other can actually choose each other, and that choice has
Speaker 1: a completely different quality than the grasping neediness that drives
Speaker 1: most romantic connection. So, in a sense, the difficulty that
Speaker 1: awakened people have in finding love is itself a kind
Speaker 1: of purification process. It's burning away all the unconscious motivations,
Speaker 1: all the hidden neediness, all the illusions about what relationship
Speaker 1: is supposed to provide, and what remains if they're patient,
Speaker 1: if they don't settle, if they stay true to what
Speaker 1: they've realized is the possibility of something much deeper than
Speaker 1: what most people call love.
Speaker 2: This is not much comfort.
Speaker 1: When you're going through it, when you're spending another evening
Speaker 1: alone while everyone else seems to be paired up, when
Speaker 1: you're wondering if something is wrong with you, if you're
Speaker 1: too picky, too difficult, too different. But I want to
Speaker 1: assure you that nothing is wrong. You haven't become incapable
Speaker 1: of love. You've become incapable of settling for less than
Speaker 1: real love. And that's not a problem. That's an evolution.
Speaker 1: The loneliness of the awakened person is not the loneliness
Speaker 1: of someone who is broken or deficient. It's the loneliness
Speaker 1: of someone who has seen something that most people haven't seen,
Speaker 1: who has tasted something that most people haven't tasted. Who
Speaker 1: has awakened to a depth of being that most people
Speaker 1: are still asleep to. And yes, this creates distance. Yes,
Speaker 1: it makes conventional connect difficult. Yes, it means you won't
Speaker 1: fit into the ordinary world of romance and relationship. But
Speaker 1: would you really want to go back? Would you really
Speaker 1: want to unno what you know, to become unconscious again,
Speaker 1: to participate in the games and illusions that you've seen through.
Speaker 1: I don't think so, And so you wait. You remain open.
Speaker 1: You don't close your heart even though it's been disappointed.
Speaker 1: You don't settle, even though it would be easier. You
Speaker 1: trust that when the time is right, when you've learned
Speaker 1: what this aloneness has to teach you, the right connection
Speaker 1: will emerge. And if it doesn't, if you live your
Speaker 1: whole life without finding that rare person who can meet
Speaker 1: you where you are, then you learn that you can
Speaker 1: be complete without romantic partnership. That love is not something
Speaker 1: you find in another person, but something you are, something
Speaker 1: you radiate, something you offer to life itself, whether or
Speaker 1: not it's returned in the specific form you might have
Speaker 1: hoped for. This is the paradox way person can't find
Speaker 1: love in the ordinary way, but they've found something deeper
Speaker 1: than romantic love. They've found love as their essential nature,
Speaker 1: as the ground of being, as what they are rather
Speaker 1: than what they get from someone else. And while they
Speaker 1: remain open to sharing this with another person in relationship,
Speaker 1: they're no longer dependent on that happening for their happiness,
Speaker 1: their wholeness, their sense of being loved.