WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.879 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.400 I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:10.000 demand on the iHeartRadio appf I Am six forty. 4 00:00:10.039 --> 00:00:11.480 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 5 00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:14.880 This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. Oh my gosh. 6 00:00:14.880 --> 00:00:18.359 We have so much stuff coming up tonight. As you know, 7 00:00:18.519 --> 00:00:21.960 I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor. 8 00:00:21.960 --> 00:00:25.120 I've written three books on relationships and I am obsessed 9 00:00:25.160 --> 00:00:26.359 with the science of love. 10 00:00:26.440 --> 00:00:27.559 On tonight's show. 11 00:00:27.839 --> 00:00:30.719 What to say, What to say during the next argument 12 00:00:30.839 --> 00:00:34.039 with your partner? There are three phrases. I made them up, 13 00:00:34.079 --> 00:00:38.920 but they're good ones. Okay, that can actually smooth things over. Also, 14 00:00:39.079 --> 00:00:43.320 can long distance relationships ever really work? And do you 15 00:00:43.320 --> 00:00:46.560 remember that side raw walk rule where the guy's supposed 16 00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:49.320 to stand on the outside near the traffic on a 17 00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:52.079 sidewalk when you're walking down the street. Well, it's causing 18 00:00:52.119 --> 00:00:55.840 some controversy online because some people think it doesn't deserve 19 00:00:55.880 --> 00:00:59.359 to be around anymore. We're gonna talk about that as well. 20 00:00:59.399 --> 00:01:01.439 I'll be answer your social media questions. If you do 21 00:01:01.479 --> 00:01:03.560 have a relationship question, send me a DM on my 22 00:01:03.640 --> 00:01:07.719 Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh. But I have some romance 23 00:01:07.799 --> 00:01:11.599 news about myself. I just got off a plane today 24 00:01:11.640 --> 00:01:18.159 from my honeymoon, my honeymoon in Sydney, Australia, and let 25 00:01:18.159 --> 00:01:20.640 me tell you, I don't understand how there are two 26 00:01:20.640 --> 00:01:25.879 Sundays in my life this week, because on Sunday I 27 00:01:25.959 --> 00:01:28.239 got up and went to the beach and it was beautiful. 28 00:01:28.760 --> 00:01:32.239 And then at one point thirty in the afternoon on Sunday, 29 00:01:32.879 --> 00:01:36.120 I got on a plane and then I landed in 30 00:01:36.280 --> 00:01:40.280 la at nine am on Sunday. So this is the 31 00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:43.239 Sunday that just won't end for me. It is very bizarre. 32 00:01:43.640 --> 00:01:47.640 And if I step over my words and my tongue 33 00:01:47.760 --> 00:01:49.040 gets a little thick, it's. 34 00:01:49.159 --> 00:01:50.719 Jet leg, that's all it is. It's jetlag. 35 00:01:51.280 --> 00:01:54.120 But here's what I love spending time in any other 36 00:01:54.120 --> 00:01:57.760 country because you always get to compare the American model 37 00:01:58.000 --> 00:02:02.599 of people's relationship with their country to you know, compared 38 00:02:02.599 --> 00:02:04.799 to America and other places. So let's break it down 39 00:02:04.840 --> 00:02:07.040 what I learned in Australia in the last ten days. 40 00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:09.240 First of all, they have a much better relationship with 41 00:02:09.280 --> 00:02:12.680 their food and their food industry than we do. I 42 00:02:12.879 --> 00:02:17.719 did not witness much obesity. The food quality was off 43 00:02:17.879 --> 00:02:20.960 the charts. I found out that there are more than 44 00:02:21.000 --> 00:02:25.080 a thousand chemicals in our foods here in beautiful America 45 00:02:25.560 --> 00:02:29.759 that are not allowed. They're full on illegal in Australia, 46 00:02:29.840 --> 00:02:32.719 so that's kind of cool. And mostly the foods are 47 00:02:32.759 --> 00:02:37.240 fruit and vegetable and protein of fish, mostly seafood because 48 00:02:37.280 --> 00:02:41.360 we were on the coast. Although I did try Producer Kayla, 49 00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:44.439 I did try some kangaroo. 50 00:02:44.840 --> 00:02:48.560 Sorry, I'm sorry, but how was it? You know what 51 00:02:48.639 --> 00:02:49.080 it was like. 52 00:02:49.039 --> 00:02:51.280 In a boolonnaise sauce, So it just tasted like beef 53 00:02:51.319 --> 00:02:54.280 to me. But you they said you can't not try 54 00:02:54.319 --> 00:02:56.479 it because it's like a delicacy there, like it's like 55 00:02:56.960 --> 00:03:01.159 venison or deer, and apparently kangaroo there like roadkill everywhere. 56 00:03:01.479 --> 00:03:03.840 I don't know. I try it too, honestly, Yeah, I 57 00:03:03.879 --> 00:03:05.080 try it. It was fine. 58 00:03:05.639 --> 00:03:09.039 The other thing is the people there have such a 59 00:03:09.039 --> 00:03:11.919 good relationship with their government because when you turn on 60 00:03:11.960 --> 00:03:16.039 the TV, the government has public service announcements for health care, 61 00:03:16.080 --> 00:03:20.199 free health care or health information, free public gyms. 62 00:03:21.639 --> 00:03:23.800 They're just always telling you how to be healthy. 63 00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:24.159 Right. 64 00:03:24.759 --> 00:03:27.879 I also found out that the minimum wage is twenty 65 00:03:27.919 --> 00:03:31.039 five dollars, So there are very few people living in poverty. 66 00:03:31.120 --> 00:03:33.080 They could manage to get through their life. 67 00:03:33.159 --> 00:03:34.000 Well, think of it this way. 68 00:03:34.159 --> 00:03:36.520 Not only is the minimum wage twenty five dollars, but 69 00:03:37.280 --> 00:03:41.639 parents get five months off for parental leaved paid their 70 00:03:41.680 --> 00:03:45.840 whole salary. You get subsidized childcare for when you do 71 00:03:45.960 --> 00:03:49.840 go back to work. Health care is completely free, including 72 00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:54.240 mental health services. Very few homeless people, I should add 73 00:03:54.680 --> 00:03:57.439 that to very few homeless people that I did see 74 00:03:57.840 --> 00:03:59.080 were so neat and tidy. 75 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:01.280 There was no trash around them. 76 00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:03.960 They had a neat little mattress, laid out acute little 77 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:06.599 they made their beds. I mean it was Honestly, I've 78 00:04:06.639 --> 00:04:10.719 never seen anything like it. And I also want to 79 00:04:10.800 --> 00:04:19.120 let you know that more men or practice PDFs, PDFs 80 00:04:19.199 --> 00:04:22.720 public displays of fatherhood. The men wear the babies, the 81 00:04:22.759 --> 00:04:25.439 men hold the babies. They're like the penguins. 82 00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:26.920 You see a lot. 83 00:04:26.680 --> 00:04:30.800 Of men practicing childcare. The men that we hung out with, 84 00:04:30.839 --> 00:04:33.040 we have friends there, and they invited friends, tended to 85 00:04:33.079 --> 00:04:35.600 be more open about talking about their feelings. The gender 86 00:04:35.639 --> 00:04:39.480 thing is less. This is masculine, this is feminine. Well, 87 00:04:39.560 --> 00:04:41.759 guess what turns out new Zealand was the first country 88 00:04:41.759 --> 00:04:43.720 in the world to give women the vote way back 89 00:04:43.720 --> 00:04:47.000 in eighteen ninety three, and then Australia came next at 90 00:04:47.079 --> 00:04:52.360 nineteen two. More than twenty different nations gave women the 91 00:04:52.439 --> 00:04:53.360 vote before the US. 92 00:04:53.399 --> 00:04:54.639 By the way, I just want to throw that. 93 00:04:54.560 --> 00:04:58.199 In, but nearly half of all members of Parliament in 94 00:04:58.240 --> 00:05:02.480 Australia are women, and so the gender roles tend to 95 00:05:02.519 --> 00:05:07.399 be a little more egalitarian, if you can say so. 96 00:05:08.600 --> 00:05:11.279 You know, they got this robust social welfare system I 97 00:05:11.360 --> 00:05:15.040 mentioned universal health care paid parentally subsidized childcare, and that 98 00:05:15.240 --> 00:05:21.199 helps reinforce these more equal roles between the genders. It's 99 00:05:21.240 --> 00:05:26.480 also I found this really interesting compulsory to vote. If 100 00:05:26.519 --> 00:05:29.759 you do not go to the polls to vote, you 101 00:05:29.759 --> 00:05:30.560 have to pay a fine. 102 00:05:31.319 --> 00:05:33.680 Could you imagine if we had that here. You should 103 00:05:33.759 --> 00:05:35.279 have that here, We should have that here. 104 00:05:35.399 --> 00:05:38.040 Everyone should have to vote. And also no one ever 105 00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:40.600 ever talks about politics. It's just like that one thing 106 00:05:40.639 --> 00:05:42.600 you do once a year and then you go back 107 00:05:42.600 --> 00:05:43.480 to your social life. 108 00:05:43.560 --> 00:05:45.560 The people seem very happy, oh and also fit. 109 00:05:45.600 --> 00:05:48.519 They're exercising everywhere. Every time you turn around. There's groups 110 00:05:48.519 --> 00:05:51.600 of people. In fact, yesterday well it's really today is 111 00:05:51.639 --> 00:05:55.399 the Sunday that won't end. So this morning Sunday, I 112 00:05:55.439 --> 00:05:57.319 went to the beach because our flight was delayed and 113 00:05:57.439 --> 00:05:59.319 I had a few more hours. And there was a 114 00:05:59.360 --> 00:06:02.560 group of a and it was an exercise class led 115 00:06:02.600 --> 00:06:04.839 by a guy with a bullhorn. But what was interesting 116 00:06:04.879 --> 00:06:08.480 about it is they were doing child's play. So this 117 00:06:08.560 --> 00:06:11.240 group of maybe thirty adults. One of the games was 118 00:06:11.600 --> 00:06:14.199 four adults each holding the corner of a beach towel 119 00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:17.079 with a big ball in the middle like a volleyball, 120 00:06:17.720 --> 00:06:20.079 had to bounce it onto other people's towels and they 121 00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:21.680 had to carry it all the way down the beach 122 00:06:21.720 --> 00:06:23.759 that way, so you're running in the sand bouncing this ball. 123 00:06:24.079 --> 00:06:25.800 They had remember. 124 00:06:25.439 --> 00:06:28.199 Potato sack races. They had them all the way down 125 00:06:28.199 --> 00:06:31.079 the beach, relay races with grown ups doing them. They 126 00:06:31.120 --> 00:06:34.600 had this ice bag toss thing, like these people were 127 00:06:34.639 --> 00:06:37.120 sweating and working so hard doing this in the sand, 128 00:06:37.399 --> 00:06:39.519 but they were having so much fun. It was just 129 00:06:39.680 --> 00:06:43.199 child's play. They were just enjoying it. And even when 130 00:06:43.199 --> 00:06:47.199 I went to the National Art Gallery, there below the 131 00:06:47.240 --> 00:06:52.319 gorgeous statues of modern art in the entrance plaza, there 132 00:06:52.360 --> 00:06:54.160 was a guy yelling and people doing a full on 133 00:06:54.240 --> 00:06:58.920 aerobics class. I mean they exercise everywhere, everywhere you go. 134 00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:02.279 Probably a lot easier to doing. Your food's not poisoning you. 135 00:07:02.279 --> 00:07:04.120 You probably have all the energy in the. 136 00:07:04.040 --> 00:07:06.079 World and their mental health is better because of it. 137 00:07:06.199 --> 00:07:06.639 Yes, ma'am. 138 00:07:06.720 --> 00:07:11.519 We don't mention how important nutrition is to our mental health. 139 00:07:12.160 --> 00:07:15.279 Not only the chemicals we're eating here, the sugar, the 140 00:07:15.560 --> 00:07:21.199 high carbohydrate food. There's an area of psychology founded at 141 00:07:21.240 --> 00:07:27.040 Harvard called nutritional psychiatry, and researchers there at Harvard have 142 00:07:27.160 --> 00:07:32.759 learned that you can change people's neurochemistry as easily with 143 00:07:32.959 --> 00:07:36.639 diet as you can with medication, you know. And so 144 00:07:36.720 --> 00:07:39.600 when you see a government who says we're not going 145 00:07:39.639 --> 00:07:42.199 to allow these chemicals into our people's minds, We're not 146 00:07:42.240 --> 00:07:44.600 going to allow these bad foods because we're going to 147 00:07:44.680 --> 00:07:47.399 save money on health insurance, We're going to save money 148 00:07:47.399 --> 00:07:49.800 on sick days, we're going to save money on prisons. 149 00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:52.560 Even though the country started out as one big prison, 150 00:07:53.240 --> 00:07:55.759 I mean a lot. We did all the historic stuff too. 151 00:07:56.120 --> 00:07:57.639 If you want to know things to do in Sydney, 152 00:07:57.639 --> 00:07:59.920 by the way, I did. I just posted on my 153 00:08:00.040 --> 00:08:03.160 Instagram today ten top things to do in Sydney, and 154 00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:05.920 if you're thinking of going, you should know this right now. 155 00:08:05.959 --> 00:08:09.519 The American dollars really really, really strong. It's like thirty percent. 156 00:08:09.600 --> 00:08:12.279 I mean, we used our frequent Flyer points to fly there, 157 00:08:12.319 --> 00:08:13.319 so we're there for free. 158 00:08:13.399 --> 00:08:16.600 And then the dollar was like thirty percent more. 159 00:08:16.639 --> 00:08:18.480 And they were in the middle of their summer sales 160 00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:21.000 because they're heading in to fall soon, so all the 161 00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:23.759 summer clothes were on sale, and then I also had 162 00:08:23.800 --> 00:08:25.879 a strong dollar. It was just amazing. So I'm just 163 00:08:26.439 --> 00:08:29.079 advertisement go to Sydney, you guys. If you can get 164 00:08:29.120 --> 00:08:32.120 through the fourteen hour flight, okay, just have a good 165 00:08:32.159 --> 00:08:35.000 neck pillow. That's all you need is a good neck pillow. 166 00:08:35.600 --> 00:08:38.759 So maybe while you're there you're going to meet somebody 167 00:08:39.320 --> 00:08:41.559 and get into a long distance relationship. In fact, I 168 00:08:41.639 --> 00:08:44.679 did a segment on Australia's version of The Today Show 169 00:08:44.799 --> 00:08:47.679 nine network because I've been doing it for on and 170 00:08:47.720 --> 00:08:49.720 off for a decade, and I finally got to meet 171 00:08:49.720 --> 00:08:52.279 everybody in person. And the woman who's like the guest 172 00:08:53.000 --> 00:08:56.759 hostess services who walks around, she told me she met 173 00:08:56.759 --> 00:09:00.879 a guy from Wisconsin who was on vacation and Sydney 174 00:09:01.159 --> 00:09:04.320 and they had two seven hour dates. Now I did 175 00:09:04.320 --> 00:09:06.919 not weigh in. I did not say, you know, if 176 00:09:06.919 --> 00:09:08.440 you've been listening to me, you know what. I would 177 00:09:08.440 --> 00:09:11.240 have said, too much, too soon, Okay, But he was 178 00:09:11.240 --> 00:09:14.000 on vacation and now she's planning to meet him in 179 00:09:14.039 --> 00:09:17.159 Hawaii halfway and it could turn into something. And so 180 00:09:17.200 --> 00:09:19.960 she had questions about a long distance relationship. So a 181 00:09:20.000 --> 00:09:23.960 lot of people are entering long distance relationships. Can they 182 00:09:24.519 --> 00:09:28.360 work my wisdom on this topic when we come back. 183 00:09:28.720 --> 00:09:30.840 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on 184 00:09:30.960 --> 00:09:34.600 KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 185 00:09:35.759 --> 00:09:39.960 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 186 00:09:40.200 --> 00:09:43.440 AM six forty one thousand miles. 187 00:09:43.840 --> 00:09:45.720 Really just to see him tonight. 188 00:09:46.039 --> 00:09:48.960 I don't know everybody, Doctor Wendy Walsh. Here, this is 189 00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:52.000 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. We're talking about long distance 190 00:09:52.440 --> 00:09:56.320 relationships very common now because of dating apps. 191 00:09:56.480 --> 00:09:58.279 People go on and they think, well. 192 00:09:58.200 --> 00:10:03.120 The problem is city, The problem is there just aren't 193 00:10:03.200 --> 00:10:06.879 good mates in my town. When I'm just going to 194 00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:10.559 tell you the problem is your relationship skills. You're saying, 195 00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:14.159 you know, now there are some mating marketplaces that are 196 00:10:14.279 --> 00:10:17.320 a little rough, like LA and New York for educated women. 197 00:10:17.679 --> 00:10:19.240 Just going to throw that out there, that's just a 198 00:10:19.320 --> 00:10:24.840 statistical fact that there are far more single educated women 199 00:10:24.919 --> 00:10:27.440 in LA and New York than there are single educated men. 200 00:10:27.759 --> 00:10:30.759 So there's the mating marketplace is a little bit imbalanced. 201 00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:36.159 But for the most part, unless you're a minority, sexual minority, 202 00:10:36.360 --> 00:10:39.080 or ethnic minority living in a small town with very 203 00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:43.000 few choices of mates that you want to date, then 204 00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:48.120 dating outside of your town is a setup for failure. 205 00:10:48.480 --> 00:10:51.399 I'm just going to say it, okay, because what happens 206 00:10:51.399 --> 00:10:55.960 with these fantasy long distance relationships is well they're a fantasy, 207 00:10:56.240 --> 00:10:59.519 is what it is. It's really important to realize that 208 00:10:59.600 --> 00:11:03.039 the skills it takes to have a long distance relationship 209 00:11:03.440 --> 00:11:06.399 are really different than the skills that it takes to 210 00:11:06.480 --> 00:11:11.240 have a daily face to face relationship. And also if 211 00:11:11.279 --> 00:11:13.720 you try to convert one to the other, that can 212 00:11:13.759 --> 00:11:18.519 be problematic. You see, what a real relationship is is 213 00:11:18.600 --> 00:11:22.559 about the tiny, you know, problems that happen on a 214 00:11:22.600 --> 00:11:27.879 regular basis, when you're overtired, when you're stressed, when you've 215 00:11:27.879 --> 00:11:31.879 had a miscommunication, and then you learn how you can 216 00:11:31.919 --> 00:11:34.600 have better communication, you can learn how to have better 217 00:11:34.639 --> 00:11:39.320 conflict resolution. But with long distance relationships you miss a 218 00:11:39.360 --> 00:11:42.919 lot of those opportunities. Now, one of the questions I 219 00:11:42.960 --> 00:11:47.080 get asked a lot is what about this saying that 220 00:11:47.360 --> 00:11:52.159 absence makes the heart grow fonder. Now, remember I talk 221 00:11:52.200 --> 00:11:56.559 a lot about the science of attachment, and yes, people 222 00:11:56.639 --> 00:11:59.440 who have who you know, think of attachment style as 223 00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:01.919 a scale. So people who are more on the scale 224 00:12:02.039 --> 00:12:07.000 of an anxious attachment style, they are in love with longing. 225 00:12:07.799 --> 00:12:08.679 They love long. 226 00:12:08.519 --> 00:12:13.799 Distance relationships because for them, they're in Psychologists call it 227 00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:16.440 the internal working model of love. I just like to 228 00:12:16.480 --> 00:12:19.440 say their idea of what love should feel like should 229 00:12:19.440 --> 00:12:22.759 be mixed up with feelings of longing and loss right, 230 00:12:22.799 --> 00:12:25.480 and that goes back to their early childhood, et cetera. 231 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:30.480 And so even though you hear this adage, absence makes 232 00:12:30.519 --> 00:12:34.799 the heart grow fonder, long sustance relationships can be particularly trying, 233 00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:37.159 as I mentioned, because they don't involve those day to 234 00:12:37.240 --> 00:12:41.039 day negotiation of boundaries or practicing communication skills. But they 235 00:12:41.159 --> 00:12:45.559 also have the unique element of having a convenient time lag, 236 00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:48.919 and that helps people avoid conflicts. So it's not real, 237 00:12:48.960 --> 00:12:51.919 it's not authentic. So if there's a text or a 238 00:12:51.960 --> 00:12:54.159 call from your partner at a time when you're just 239 00:12:54.960 --> 00:12:57.480 not at your best, not in the mood, you don't 240 00:12:57.480 --> 00:12:59.879 have to immediately take that call. Or if you're a 241 00:13:00.120 --> 00:13:02.440 comfortable with a question they've asked you, you can take 242 00:13:02.519 --> 00:13:07.360 time to formulate your response. And so I think long 243 00:13:07.399 --> 00:13:11.480 distance relationships function as kind of a string of honeymoons. 244 00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:17.240 There's really little opportunity to test compatibility because compatibility comes 245 00:13:17.279 --> 00:13:22.440 in the doldrums of daily life. Now I mentioned attachment style. 246 00:13:23.240 --> 00:13:25.559 I bet you that people with an anxious attachment style 247 00:13:26.000 --> 00:13:30.919 love long distance relationships. Also, long distance relationships tend to 248 00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:36.080 attract people who have an avoidant attachment style. These kind 249 00:13:36.120 --> 00:13:39.000 of people are happy to meet for like small pockets 250 00:13:39.000 --> 00:13:43.080 of love, but growing real emotional intimacy or moving in 251 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:46.279 together in one city can be terrifying. Now, they don't 252 00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:48.960 say this right because people who have an avoidant attachment 253 00:13:48.960 --> 00:13:51.759 style don't have a lot of insight. They're not even 254 00:13:51.759 --> 00:13:53.279 aware of their own feelings. So if you have to, 255 00:13:53.320 --> 00:13:55.320 if you try to say things like how do you 256 00:13:55.320 --> 00:13:57.559 think it would feel if we live together in one apartment, 257 00:13:57.759 --> 00:14:00.879 they'd go cool, it would feel cool? Because they're not 258 00:14:00.919 --> 00:14:05.639 even aware of their feelings, right, but inside they they 259 00:14:05.679 --> 00:14:09.159 do this tender dance of bringing people close, close enough 260 00:14:09.159 --> 00:14:12.679 to obtain sex and pockets of admiration, and then they 261 00:14:12.840 --> 00:14:14.120 kind of push them away. 262 00:14:14.559 --> 00:14:14.759 Right. 263 00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:18.600 So what's really interesting is if long disiness relationships are 264 00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:21.039 attractive to people who have an anxious style and people 265 00:14:21.039 --> 00:14:23.720 have an avoidance style. The research shows that people have 266 00:14:23.759 --> 00:14:26.799 an anxious style are most sexually attracted to people who 267 00:14:26.799 --> 00:14:29.960 have an avoidance style because they trigger them in the 268 00:14:29.960 --> 00:14:30.759 way that they like. 269 00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:31.240 Right. 270 00:14:31.759 --> 00:14:34.879 If people who are anxious or addicted to longing, they 271 00:14:35.039 --> 00:14:39.240 love the idea of pining away for someone, and then 272 00:14:39.240 --> 00:14:41.360 the avoidant person loves to be able to go into 273 00:14:41.360 --> 00:14:46.720 their compartment and hide away. Now, can a long distance 274 00:14:46.799 --> 00:14:47.759 relationship work? 275 00:14:48.639 --> 00:14:48.879 Yes? 276 00:14:49.120 --> 00:14:54.759 If, okay, and there is research on this. So let's 277 00:14:54.840 --> 00:14:57.960 talk about what the research says can help a long 278 00:14:58.000 --> 00:15:02.279 disiness relationship work. The first, it is frequency of contact, 279 00:15:02.919 --> 00:15:08.840 whether it is text, audio, phone, call, video. It's important 280 00:15:08.879 --> 00:15:12.000 that you talk daily and that you're in the trenches 281 00:15:12.039 --> 00:15:13.840 with the day to day stuff. 282 00:15:14.279 --> 00:15:14.440 Right. 283 00:15:14.879 --> 00:15:18.320 So if you're only talking, you know, a couple times 284 00:15:18.360 --> 00:15:22.000 a week and you're talking about plans for the next honeymoon. 285 00:15:22.000 --> 00:15:24.759 When you get together, you're not learning about each other's 286 00:15:24.840 --> 00:15:28.440 day to day life, right. I mean, I'm married now 287 00:15:28.960 --> 00:15:32.399 and my husband and I still talk probably it depends 288 00:15:32.440 --> 00:15:35.840 on the day, two or three times a day, however briefly. 289 00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:39.480 And I know if something some news happens in his day, 290 00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:41.720 it's usually when we're in the car, both of us 291 00:15:41.720 --> 00:15:44.159 going not together, but going to different places in between 292 00:15:44.200 --> 00:15:47.080 our meetings or whatever. And when he starts a phone 293 00:15:47.080 --> 00:15:49.840 call like this, he literally goes, I go hello, and 294 00:15:49.879 --> 00:15:50.480 he goes. 295 00:15:50.519 --> 00:15:50.960 Get this. 296 00:15:51.480 --> 00:15:53.679 It just starts with get this, and he starts into 297 00:15:53.720 --> 00:15:56.559 a story of something that happened. Right, Because we have 298 00:15:56.759 --> 00:16:01.320 emotional intimacy and we share all the emotional beats of 299 00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:03.840 the day. I mean, we don't talk about every single 300 00:16:03.879 --> 00:16:06.240 detail of the day, but anything that's emotional we do 301 00:16:06.559 --> 00:16:09.600 so speak at least once a day. And here's where 302 00:16:09.639 --> 00:16:15.039 the research gets really interesting. Couples who talk about their 303 00:16:15.120 --> 00:16:21.159 feelings that literally grow emotional intimacy from AFAR do better 304 00:16:21.200 --> 00:16:23.720 when they convert it to an in world. If all 305 00:16:23.759 --> 00:16:27.960 you're talking about is when you're gonna meet, where you're 306 00:16:27.960 --> 00:16:29.799 gonna meet, what you're gonna do to each other, whatever, 307 00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:34.679 that's not the same as feelings, right, tender feelings. Moments 308 00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:37.480 of it really hurt me. When this happened today, you 309 00:16:37.519 --> 00:16:42.559 wouldn't believe what happened, right, talk about feelings and the 310 00:16:42.600 --> 00:16:45.759 third thing according to research, so I want to speak regularly, 311 00:16:46.039 --> 00:16:48.840 talk about feelings, and always have a plan on the 312 00:16:48.879 --> 00:16:53.120 calendar of when you'll meet next. If you leave things hanging, 313 00:16:53.720 --> 00:16:58.519 it increases feelings of relationship insecurity. Right, nobody knows, like 314 00:16:58.559 --> 00:17:02.120 when is going to happen again, it's you're committed, Okay, 315 00:17:02.159 --> 00:17:04.039 We're not talking about just a dating relationship. We're talking 316 00:17:04.079 --> 00:17:07.720 about people who are saying we are exclusive, we're in 317 00:17:07.759 --> 00:17:11.240 a relationship, we are trying to grow something together here. 318 00:17:11.720 --> 00:17:14.880 Then you have a schedule of when you're meeting, and 319 00:17:14.920 --> 00:17:17.440 I do want to add one other thing. Have an 320 00:17:17.480 --> 00:17:20.640 exit strategy. And what I mean by that is have 321 00:17:20.720 --> 00:17:23.480 a timeline on it, like we're going to move in 322 00:17:23.519 --> 00:17:25.480 together in the same city within a year or two 323 00:17:25.519 --> 00:17:27.480 years or whatever, or when you finish law school or 324 00:17:27.480 --> 00:17:30.480 when she finishes medical school or whatever, that's when you're 325 00:17:30.519 --> 00:17:31.000 going to do it. 326 00:17:31.079 --> 00:17:32.200 Right, So you have. 327 00:17:32.079 --> 00:17:34.920 A plan and you know that there's an ending, a 328 00:17:35.039 --> 00:17:36.559 light at the end of the tunnel you can both 329 00:17:36.599 --> 00:17:39.319 look to. But let me say this, there are some 330 00:17:39.400 --> 00:17:42.880 red flags when a long disiness relationship isn't working. If 331 00:17:42.920 --> 00:17:46.880 you are just meeting for romantic fantasy trips like dinners 332 00:17:46.880 --> 00:17:49.559 and sex and there's no talk of a future together, 333 00:17:50.119 --> 00:17:53.400 that's probably a pretty big red flag. And when you 334 00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:56.240 do talk of a future together, if it's just some 335 00:17:56.359 --> 00:18:00.160 vague idea that might happen somewhere down the line, it's 336 00:18:00.160 --> 00:18:00.960 another red flag. 337 00:18:01.519 --> 00:18:01.759 Right. 338 00:18:02.480 --> 00:18:07.519 Every long distance relationship, in my opinion, should have a culmination. 339 00:18:08.240 --> 00:18:11.359 That's the time when you both plan to live together 340 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:14.400 in the same city. So get that on the calendar, 341 00:18:14.759 --> 00:18:17.319 all right, when we come back. This is for anybody 342 00:18:17.359 --> 00:18:19.759 who's ever been a relationship, is in a relationship, is 343 00:18:19.799 --> 00:18:23.279 marriy divorce, whatever, if you've ever had to interact with 344 00:18:23.319 --> 00:18:28.240 somebody in a romantic relationship, three things to say during 345 00:18:28.319 --> 00:18:30.640 a fight. I made them up, but they work in 346 00:18:30.640 --> 00:18:32.880 my relationship, so I want to share them. You're listening 347 00:18:32.920 --> 00:18:35.160 to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six 348 00:18:35.240 --> 00:18:37.799 forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 349 00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:42.480 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 350 00:18:42.680 --> 00:18:43.960 AM six forty. 351 00:18:44.440 --> 00:18:47.559 AFI am six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 352 00:18:47.599 --> 00:18:50.480 This here is the Doctor Wendy Walsh show. All right. 353 00:18:50.599 --> 00:18:55.000 So I have always said that relationships are far more 354 00:18:55.119 --> 00:18:59.680 about skill than luck, and I am living a proof 355 00:19:00.119 --> 00:19:02.880 that you can learn relationship skills. I didn't go to 356 00:19:02.880 --> 00:19:06.599 school for this, well kind of I did. I was 357 00:19:06.599 --> 00:19:08.759 a patient in therapy for many, many years where I 358 00:19:08.759 --> 00:19:13.039 practiced these skills. But also I ended up going and 359 00:19:13.039 --> 00:19:16.319 get a midlife master's and PhD in psychology, and every 360 00:19:16.359 --> 00:19:19.079 class I would take, I would be like, everybody needs 361 00:19:19.119 --> 00:19:22.559 to know this, They shouldn't save this for hidden information. 362 00:19:23.559 --> 00:19:26.200 And I learned that at the end of the day, 363 00:19:27.519 --> 00:19:29.640 a couple things we need to all learn to do 364 00:19:29.680 --> 00:19:34.279 with each other. First of all, learn to have emotional communication. 365 00:19:34.960 --> 00:19:37.480 And what that means is the first step in that 366 00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:40.200 is just becoming aware of your own feelings. And that's 367 00:19:40.240 --> 00:19:42.799 hard for a lot of people because so many people 368 00:19:43.000 --> 00:19:45.920 were raised by well meaning parents who said, suck it 369 00:19:46.000 --> 00:19:49.079 up or change your attitude or whatever, and so they 370 00:19:49.119 --> 00:19:54.920 weren't their feelings weren't mirrored, they weren't given language for 371 00:19:55.000 --> 00:19:57.960 their feelings. And a lot of if you do go 372 00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:00.079 to therapy for the first time. A lot of the 373 00:20:00.119 --> 00:20:04.119 work that therapists do is called psycho education, where they 374 00:20:04.240 --> 00:20:07.799 literally give you words to describe your feeling. You'll go 375 00:20:07.839 --> 00:20:09.640 in and talk about this happened, and that happened, and 376 00:20:09.680 --> 00:20:13.359 then they'll say, and you felt embarrassed or you felt 377 00:20:13.640 --> 00:20:16.400 blah blah blah, and they will give you language for it. 378 00:20:17.079 --> 00:20:19.559 So the first step of having good, healthy communication is 379 00:20:19.599 --> 00:20:22.440 just become aware of your own feelings. Second step finding 380 00:20:22.440 --> 00:20:24.720 the language to express it to somebody else in a 381 00:20:24.799 --> 00:20:25.799 non defensive way. 382 00:20:26.039 --> 00:20:26.799 Here's the other thing. 383 00:20:27.000 --> 00:20:32.799 When people are not accustomed to setting boundaries or expressing 384 00:20:32.799 --> 00:20:35.559 their feelings, they do it actually in a kind of 385 00:20:35.559 --> 00:20:39.440 often in an angry, defensive way because they feel uncomfortable 386 00:20:39.480 --> 00:20:42.440 about it. So learning how to express your feelings in 387 00:20:42.480 --> 00:20:47.000 a healthy, honest, calm, vulnerable way is number two. But 388 00:20:47.119 --> 00:20:51.400 number three is having empathy, because once you become aware 389 00:20:51.440 --> 00:20:54.079 of your own feelings, then you can start to see 390 00:20:54.079 --> 00:20:57.680 it in others. Now we do know that genetically we 391 00:20:57.720 --> 00:21:00.920 all have a range in our ability to have empathy. 392 00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:04.200 There are some people who are you know, neurodiverse, who 393 00:21:04.279 --> 00:21:06.440 have very very little empathy, and they have to watch 394 00:21:06.480 --> 00:21:09.160 for all kinds of facial cues or body language and 395 00:21:09.240 --> 00:21:14.039 translate it because they just don't naturally sense things. Then 396 00:21:14.039 --> 00:21:17.200 there are other people like me who I can feel 397 00:21:17.319 --> 00:21:20.599 people with in my stomach. Like if I see someone 398 00:21:21.160 --> 00:21:22.960 fall down and bump their head, I feel it in 399 00:21:23.000 --> 00:21:23.359 my head. 400 00:21:23.400 --> 00:21:26.359 I mean, I really I have a lot of empathy. 401 00:21:26.480 --> 00:21:29.240