WEBVTT

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<v Speaker 1>Cloundish Authenticity podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>Thanks for tuning in to Boundless Authenticity. A big thank

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<v Speaker 2>you to all our new subscribers and followers. If you're

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<v Speaker 2>not following the show yet, be sure to hit that

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<v Speaker 2>follow button right now. Boundless Authenticity is available on Spreaker, Spotify, Apple, Rumble,

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<v Speaker 2>and sometimes YouTube when they're not flagging my ass for

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<v Speaker 2>being a bad boy, I recommend using the Spreaker app

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<v Speaker 2>because it's free. There's no sign up needed. All you

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<v Speaker 2>have to do is just hit play and enjoy. By subscribing,

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<v Speaker 2>you'll get notified when new episodes drop, and you'll help

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<v Speaker 2>the show reach more listeners, which means we can bring

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<v Speaker 2>on the guests that you want to hear from. New

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<v Speaker 2>episodes drop three times a month, the sixth, sixteenth, and

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<v Speaker 2>the twenty sixth, so mark your calendars. Get ready for

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<v Speaker 2>a fascinating conversation with my guest today, Sean Hemian. Sean

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<v Speaker 2>is not only a talented actor known for his roles

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<v Speaker 2>on nine to one, one, Criminal Minds, and The CW's Husbands,

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<v Speaker 2>but also an inspiring writer. His book, The Good Little

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<v Speaker 2>Drug Lord tells the gripping true story of a former

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<v Speaker 2>Mormon drug dealer who finds redemption in the most unexpected

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<v Speaker 2>ways as an undercover narc working for the federal government.

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<v Speaker 2>In this powerful memoir, Sean takes us on a wild

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<v Speaker 2>ride through encounters with the Russian mafia and intense battle

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<v Speaker 2>with his own demons and raw confrontrations, confrontations. I can't

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<v Speaker 2>even talk anymore. What is happening with the people who

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<v Speaker 2>shaped his journey, his mother and the mother of a

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<v Speaker 2>young man who lost his life because of his past mistakes.

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<v Speaker 2>Trust me, this is one story you don't want to miss.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not laughing, it's it's just hearing it all together again,

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<v Speaker 1>Like that is just so Yeah, it's a serious subject,

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<v Speaker 1>but you.

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<v Speaker 2>Know, yeah, it's strange. I can imagine when you send

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<v Speaker 2>me the email, I was like, this is definitely something

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<v Speaker 2>I want to talk about because if this is all

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<v Speaker 2>rooted in real life stuff. As a therapist, I have

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<v Speaker 2>heard some of the craziest and darkest stories about, for example,

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<v Speaker 2>human trafficking. I know one client years ago, her neighbors

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<v Speaker 2>just picked her up from Canada and just threw on

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<v Speaker 2>a plane and took her to Diana and like we're

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<v Speaker 2>waterboarding her and she got stuck in a human trafficking

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<v Speaker 2>ring and it was vile, and I was like this

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<v Speaker 2>that was like for me, that was the first time

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<v Speaker 2>I realized that this kind of stuff really happens on

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<v Speaker 2>mass you know. So when you're telling me about drug

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<v Speaker 2>trafficking for the Russian mafia or whatever, I'm like, what,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, you.

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<v Speaker 1>Know what's so funny about that? In the beginning, as

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<v Speaker 1>I was being introduced to all of this, that's one

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<v Speaker 1>of the things that was so appealing to me. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>this is take this out with the grain of salt,

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<v Speaker 1>but like the being introduced to like the underbelly of

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<v Speaker 1>the world, like things that were happening behind the scenes,

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<v Speaker 1>was like, oh, this is how the world really works,

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<v Speaker 1>Like we're all living in this lie up here, but

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<v Speaker 1>underneath here like this is you know, the CD underbelly.

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<v Speaker 1>Like that's what was so fascinating to me.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I can imagine it being something like straight out

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<v Speaker 2>of Plato's allegory of the Cave or whatever. The guy

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<v Speaker 2>gets free and he sees how the world really is,

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<v Speaker 2>and he comes back and he tries to warn people,

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<v Speaker 2>but they don't listen, you know.

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<v Speaker 1>So well, yeah, and especially for my very black and

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<v Speaker 1>white Christian Mormon mind. It was so naive and so,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, to me now, it's like I don't have

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<v Speaker 1>to go do that experience to understand how the world

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<v Speaker 1>really works. But to my like such my innocent, pure mind,

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<v Speaker 1>it was like, wow, the world is so different than

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<v Speaker 1>what I thought.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, so let's go to the beginning. How on earth

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<v Speaker 2>did you end up being a Mormon drug dealer?

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<v Speaker 3>Oh?

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<v Speaker 1>Lord, Lord Lord, well, how much time do we have?

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<v Speaker 4>No?

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<v Speaker 1>I you know this is I I obviously, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>with the amount of time we actually do have, I

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<v Speaker 1>don't think I'll get through everything. So I'll try to

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<v Speaker 1>summarize as best I can, Like, how the hell does

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<v Speaker 1>that happen? You did mention the book, and you know

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<v Speaker 1>there'll be opportunities for people to read that or or

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<v Speaker 1>listen to part two of the podcast whatever, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>but uh, how does that happen? I mean, you know

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<v Speaker 1>in the book. Actually, I will say this. I do

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<v Speaker 1>go forward in time to the rise and fall, like

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<v Speaker 1>the actual how does that happen? But I also go

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<v Speaker 1>back in time because it's I'm asking myself like, wait,

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<v Speaker 1>how does that happen? You know, not the actual you know,

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<v Speaker 1>like the emotional, spiritual journey of like, wait, how the

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<v Speaker 1>can I curse on this? How the fuck does that happen?

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<v Speaker 1>So that's so when you read, uh, you'll again, you'll

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<v Speaker 1>see me go forward in time and backward at a time, because, uh,

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<v Speaker 1>how do where would you like me to begin?

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<v Speaker 2>Like start when you were an embryo?

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know, Like, well, well, buckle up, it's gonna

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<v Speaker 1>be a long ride. No, okay. So uh so I

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<v Speaker 1>was raised Mormon. Let's start there, and and uh family

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<v Speaker 1>of seven, my father, my mother married outside the church.

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<v Speaker 1>My father was never Mormon, but my mother was adamant

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<v Speaker 1>about raising us in the Mormon church, and my dad

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<v Speaker 1>supported that. But it was always so strange. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>Mormons are like, don't drink, don't see rated our movies,

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<v Speaker 1>don't And then we come home and my dad would

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<v Speaker 1>be smoking and being like, get the fuck out of

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<v Speaker 1>the way, my rated our movie. And we'd be like,

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<v Speaker 1>what's going on? But I really was closer to my

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<v Speaker 1>mother and so, and you can pathologize all the reasons

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<v Speaker 1>why I was closer to her. She was very depressed,

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<v Speaker 1>so I you know, I try to always make you

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<v Speaker 1>say I was saving her blah blah blah. So I

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<v Speaker 1>tried really hard to be a good Mormon boy, and

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<v Speaker 1>I was. And when I asked a lot of questions

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<v Speaker 1>about a lot of things that didn't make sense to

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<v Speaker 1>the Mormon Church that they were just like, now, now,

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<v Speaker 1>little boy, just pray harder. You don't have enough faith.

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<v Speaker 1>And so I was like, I don't have enough faith,

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<v Speaker 1>and so I prayed harder. But when I was thirteen ish,

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<v Speaker 1>and I sensed it before then, I realized, oh, I

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<v Speaker 1>might have a thing for my guy best friend next

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<v Speaker 1>to me. But this is the nineties, this is a

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<v Speaker 1>Mormon church. This is like no no, And I, again,

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<v Speaker 1>being the best little Mormon boy in the world, truly

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<v Speaker 1>believed I was living in a Mormon god world and

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<v Speaker 1>truly believed that this is the worst thing that could

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<v Speaker 1>happen to a person. I mean, it was up there

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<v Speaker 1>with murder. So I thought, now I was living in

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<v Speaker 1>a world with a God who not only didn't like me,

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<v Speaker 1>but it loathed me enough to curse me with this

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<v Speaker 1>gain is you know, I really believed that. I really

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<v Speaker 1>really believe that. At thirteen, the point where I was

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<v Speaker 1>like I wanted to die, I was like, this God

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<v Speaker 1>makes me want to die. So that was the sort

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<v Speaker 1>of beginning of the torment and the pain. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>horrible things happened around that time.

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<v Speaker 4>I was.

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<v Speaker 1>There was molestation from you know, I might have been

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<v Speaker 1>one of the first, like this is like ninety three,

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<v Speaker 1>ninety four, I might have been one of the first

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<v Speaker 1>like online predator victims. Crazy, you know. So when my

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<v Speaker 1>older brother offered to take me out with him and

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<v Speaker 1>I had my first drink of alcohol, no surprise, having

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<v Speaker 1>that and finding some kind of relief from this torment,

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, what is this? This is amazing. I

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<v Speaker 1>want this and I want this all the time. And

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<v Speaker 1>so I was primed for that. I was, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>and by the time I was eighteen, graduating from high school,

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<v Speaker 1>I was already drinking during the week. You know, I

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<v Speaker 1>was you know, I was black and out by that time.

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<v Speaker 1>I was. I was. And by that time I had

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<v Speaker 1>left the church and I had I was sort of

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<v Speaker 1>saved from the existential spiritual torment of living with the

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<v Speaker 1>Mormon God because I fell in love with my best

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<v Speaker 1>friend and I and it was so pure that I

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<v Speaker 1>was like and we were like on and off for

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<v Speaker 1>all four years, like undercover, but it was so pure

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<v Speaker 1>and it's feeling that like, if something this feels this

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<v Speaker 1>good and this right, it can be so right and

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<v Speaker 1>something's wrong with this over here. And so I sort

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<v Speaker 1>of started dismantling what I thought God was at that time.

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<v Speaker 3>But it.

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<v Speaker 1>Didn't matter. I didn't have the tools to deal with

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<v Speaker 1>everything that I just described. I was what is an

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<v Speaker 1>eighteen year old to do with that? And when I

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<v Speaker 1>came out to my mother at nineteen after you know,

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<v Speaker 1>that best friend and I we broke up, and that

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<v Speaker 1>was he was literally my world. And so when we

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<v Speaker 1>broke up, I thought I lost my world. You could

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<v Speaker 1>say he became my god. I went from the Mormon

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<v Speaker 1>god to this god. And when I lost that god,

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, well that's it. My world's over it.

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<v Speaker 1>Let me start cutting my wrists. My mother found me

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<v Speaker 1>and this was my outing. How tragic is that? Now?

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<v Speaker 1>Excuse me for laughing, But like I have to say,

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<v Speaker 1>when I first started writing the book, I had read

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<v Speaker 1>a bunch of other memoirs, you know, and they can

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<v Speaker 1>become very like like look what happened to me, like

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<v Speaker 1>masturbatory just kind of and so I kind of threw

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<v Speaker 1>up my hands. I was like, ah, I don't want

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<v Speaker 1>this to be sad, and I was like, oh, that's

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<v Speaker 1>the title of the book. So for the first six months,

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<v Speaker 1>the title of this book was I don't want this

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<v Speaker 1>to be sad. And I don't want it to be sad.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want it to be sad. I wanted to,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, I want to you know, when there's laughter healing,

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<v Speaker 1>and so I want to find that in there. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't want this to be so like melodramatic, and I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't write it in that way either. So that's why

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<v Speaker 1>I'm laughing through this because it's just it's so absurd now,

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<v Speaker 1>it's just even even I took the part of the

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<v Speaker 1>story I'm about to get to just it seems what

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<v Speaker 1>it just seems so what like it seems so absolutely absurd, absurd.

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<v Speaker 1>But after my outing, my terrible outing, and my mother

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<v Speaker 1>sort of, you know, doing the very Christian thing of well,

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<v Speaker 1>we love you, we accept you, but not the lifestyle,

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<v Speaker 1>which is, you know, code for sleeping with other men.

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<v Speaker 1>So no, it's just flat out rejection. That was nineteen

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<v Speaker 1>So most of the story happens from twenty to twenty three,

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<v Speaker 1>especially twenty one to twenty three, because I went to

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<v Speaker 1>theater school, I already found acting. By that point, I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, oh, this is fun. I like messing around

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<v Speaker 1>with this. I went to theater school and dated some

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<v Speaker 1>other people. But it wasn't until I met a drug

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<v Speaker 1>dealer in Washington in DC. It wasn't until I started

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<v Speaker 1>experimenting with party drugs, specifically Crystal myth and I very

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<v Speaker 1>clearly remember the first time I had it. I could sense,

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<v Speaker 1>I could feel how powerful. I mean, just as an anecdote, like,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, to dance on the to go dancing on

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<v Speaker 1>the dance floor, I had to be really drunk to

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<v Speaker 1>do it, you know, because I'm stupid white boy in

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<v Speaker 1>no rhythm kind of thing. And but the second I

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<v Speaker 1>had the the meth, I was like a dancing queen,

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<v Speaker 1>like just ripping it up and just feeling so powerful

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<v Speaker 1>and that feeling of being wanted. And it's very It's

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<v Speaker 1>not a good drug for people who feel powerless in

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<v Speaker 1>the world, because it makes you feel really powerful, and

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<v Speaker 1>therefore you want it all the day, all the day time. Anyway, everything,

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<v Speaker 1>all the addictions, I'm gonna sort of start to summarize

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<v Speaker 1>because when I was with the drug dealer boyfriend trying

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<v Speaker 1>to keep it to the weekend, it started encroaching into

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<v Speaker 1>the week. You know, I'd be up for three days

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<v Speaker 1>on the meth at this time. But you know, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>twenty two. I'm invincible. I got this excuse me. And

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<v Speaker 1>I was going to school ninety miles south from Washington,

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<v Speaker 1>d C. So Richmond, Virginia, and then Washington, d C.

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<v Speaker 1>And you know, zoom up and down. But like I said,

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<v Speaker 1>I was startingcroaching during the week. I started missing classes.

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<v Speaker 1>And I would blame the boyfriend because he was so

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<v Speaker 1>bad at drug dealing that he couldn't re up on

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<v Speaker 1>the drugs fast enough because I needed something to actually

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<v Speaker 1>get down to school. And slowly, you know, slowly, I

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<v Speaker 1>started doing more and more during the week. And it

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<v Speaker 1>got to the point where I just decided that this

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<v Speaker 1>dealer boyfriend was terrible at it. He was not reliable,

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<v Speaker 1>not you know, not trustworthy. Mostly he couldn't keep up

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<v Speaker 1>with this growing habit that I excused because of my age.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, I'm twenty two. I'll be able to stop

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<v Speaker 1>when I want to stop. And and and we got

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<v Speaker 1>in some We got in a huge fight one night

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<v Speaker 1>because he really you know, other people thought he was

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<v Speaker 1>a bad dealer. This is so funny. To talk about.

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<v Speaker 1>But let me tell you too, I did say I

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<v Speaker 1>did say this earlier when I first met him at

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<v Speaker 1>like an after hours party, and the way he came

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<v Speaker 1>in and the way that people just treated him like

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<v Speaker 1>a celebrity and like he was the second coming of

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<v Speaker 1>the Messiah, Like it was like, who is this person?

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<v Speaker 1>And then he swept me up, And you know, the

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<v Speaker 1>very first time I met him, I saw the most

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<v Speaker 1>amount of drugs I've ever seen in my life. And

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<v Speaker 1>I'm just like wide eyed and like, yeah, there's this

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<v Speaker 1>whole other world outside of this painful, tormented, depressed world

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<v Speaker 1>that I just came from. This is so fascinating. This

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<v Speaker 1>is so like whoa. And again I'm twenty two and invincible,

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<v Speaker 1>Like this isn't you know, the bad stuff isn't going

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<v Speaker 1>to happen to me. You know, this is just really exciting.

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<v Speaker 1>This will make for a great story one day like

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<v Speaker 1>today when I'm sharing it right now. I mean I

256
00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:11.120
<v Speaker 1>genuinely thought that then, and it's true. It's true. I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>of course my actor brain was thinking in those terms.

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<v Speaker 4>But you know, I.

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<v Speaker 1>He anyway, he was just so bad at it. And

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<v Speaker 1>then when we broke up, he accused me of trying

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<v Speaker 1>to steal his business, and I was like so resentful.

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<v Speaker 1>I was like, f you, I'll do a better job

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<v Speaker 1>than you. And so I started dealing just to proven wrong.

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<v Speaker 1>And you mind, you this is like dealing nothing like

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<v Speaker 1>at a club, you know what I mean, running around

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<v Speaker 1>at a club and doing little quarterbag. He's in little

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<v Speaker 1>eight Like this is just a little bit of stuff.

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<v Speaker 1>It's still kind of like feeling wanted and thrilling and stuff.

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<v Speaker 1>And I'm just like, Okay, we're gonna run around and

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<v Speaker 1>do this. But the consequences started encroaching to you know,

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<v Speaker 1>for example, to finish my theater final, I was rushing

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<v Speaker 1>down to school and I fell asleep at the wheel

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<v Speaker 1>and I drove my car in the back of a

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<v Speaker 1>mac truck. And that wasn't my fault. That was his

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<v Speaker 1>fault because he didn't get enough drugs for me to

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<v Speaker 1>stay awake. You know, that kind of stuff was always

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<v Speaker 1>happening anyway. So what ended up happening was I liked

278
00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:21.279
<v Speaker 1>the dealing a little too much, and I could see

279
00:15:21.279 --> 00:15:24.120
<v Speaker 1>that I love the path. The meth made me feel powerful,

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<v Speaker 1>but the dealing was like I'm a celebrity, like I

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00:15:29.039 --> 00:15:32.919
<v Speaker 1>own everything, like it was like I saw that. I

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<v Speaker 1>could sense that, and I was like, I need to

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<v Speaker 1>get out of this. I need to move on. Look,

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<v Speaker 1>I'll prove him wrong, you know, I'll show him that

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<v Speaker 1>I can do better than him, steal all his business,

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<v Speaker 1>and then I'll make all this money and I'll get out.

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00:15:45.799 --> 00:15:48.759
<v Speaker 1>And that's what I did. But on the weekend that

288
00:15:48.799 --> 00:15:53.039
<v Speaker 1>I was like leaving at the time. This is not

289
00:15:53.080 --> 00:15:55.840
<v Speaker 1>true today, but at the time, what I thought and

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00:15:55.879 --> 00:15:57.919
<v Speaker 1>what I thought for the rest of the story was

291
00:15:57.960 --> 00:16:02.000
<v Speaker 1>that I fell asleep in the alleyway in the car.

292
00:16:02.759 --> 00:16:05.919
<v Speaker 1>I did not know my license was suspended from that

293
00:16:05.919 --> 00:16:08.919
<v Speaker 1>that said, crashing under a Mac truck. And at the

294
00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:10.960
<v Speaker 1>time I thought he called the police on me. You know,

295
00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:13.440
<v Speaker 1>I wake up middle of the night, tap tap taps

296
00:16:13.559 --> 00:16:18.360
<v Speaker 1>the DC police. They asked for my license, and I'm thinking,

297
00:16:18.399 --> 00:16:20.679
<v Speaker 1>nothing's wrong. So I'm you know, I opened the window

298
00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:22.480
<v Speaker 1>like this much because I was like, go away, and

299
00:16:22.519 --> 00:16:25.399
<v Speaker 1>I gave him my license and then they they rip

300
00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:28.000
<v Speaker 1>open the door, ripped me out, and I'm like freaking out.

301
00:16:28.000 --> 00:16:30.279
<v Speaker 1>They're like, licenses suspended, we have the right to search you,

302
00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:38.799
<v Speaker 1>and so I'm arrested and I just I was just

303
00:16:38.840 --> 00:16:41.120
<v Speaker 1>trying to leave and get out of this, and suddenly

304
00:16:41.200 --> 00:16:46.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm pulled in so so a few weeks later after

305
00:16:46.039 --> 00:16:48.120
<v Speaker 1>the rest, I was pulled in front of these two

306
00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:54.120
<v Speaker 1>federal investigators, which was weird because they looked like they

307
00:16:54.120 --> 00:16:57.840
<v Speaker 1>looked like like road managers for a rock band. I

308
00:16:57.919 --> 00:17:01.039
<v Speaker 1>mean like I'm talking like Fu Manchu, cargo shorts, pan

309
00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:03.279
<v Speaker 1>T shirts, like the one guy looked like Will Ferrell.

310
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<v Speaker 1>It was like, what, these are federal agents. It was

311
00:17:06.319 --> 00:17:08.720
<v Speaker 1>so it was they're like undercover federal agents, and I

312
00:17:08.759 --> 00:17:13.039
<v Speaker 1>was just like, what is happening? So they they they

313
00:17:13.079 --> 00:17:14.920
<v Speaker 1>sent me a plea deal, but then they revoked it

314
00:17:14.960 --> 00:17:17.240
<v Speaker 1>and then made it a mandatory debrief. I guess I

315
00:17:17.240 --> 00:17:19.599
<v Speaker 1>don't know if they thought I could give them information,

316
00:17:19.759 --> 00:17:26.559
<v Speaker 1>But when we did the interrogation, I was I played dumb.

317
00:17:26.599 --> 00:17:28.519
<v Speaker 1>I didn't give away a lot of information, but they

318
00:17:28.599 --> 00:17:31.799
<v Speaker 1>thought I was enough immersed in that world where they said,

319
00:17:31.839 --> 00:17:35.720
<v Speaker 1>without saying it, you need to keep doing what you're doing,

320
00:17:35.759 --> 00:17:38.480
<v Speaker 1>aka dealing, and you need to get us something if

321
00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:41.359
<v Speaker 1>you want this to go away. And I essentially said,

322
00:17:41.359 --> 00:17:44.599
<v Speaker 1>in so many words back to them, I was a nobody.

323
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<v Speaker 1>If I need to get you guys that kind of

324
00:17:46.440 --> 00:17:49.359
<v Speaker 1>information I need to like deal more, and they're like,

325
00:17:49.759 --> 00:17:54.960
<v Speaker 1>good luck. So I signed the paper for the informant.

326
00:17:55.039 --> 00:17:57.079
<v Speaker 1>In my mind, I'm like, I've seen the movies. I'm

327
00:17:57.119 --> 00:18:00.039
<v Speaker 1>not a rat, I'm not an informant. What do you

328
00:18:00.039 --> 00:18:01.640
<v Speaker 1>you know? But I was battling that the whole time.

329
00:18:01.720 --> 00:18:03.720
<v Speaker 1>You know, my family knew everything. So when I came

330
00:18:03.720 --> 00:18:05.880
<v Speaker 1>home to my you know I have you know, there's

331
00:18:05.960 --> 00:18:09.559
<v Speaker 1>seven kids and my six other siblings, they're like, what's wrong, man?

332
00:18:09.680 --> 00:18:11.599
<v Speaker 1>You know, why don't you just go rout on somebody.

333
00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:14.440
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, dude, didn't you see the movies? But they

334
00:18:14.480 --> 00:18:16.519
<v Speaker 1>were threatening me with ten plus years and this is

335
00:18:16.599 --> 00:18:19.160
<v Speaker 1>DC so it's federal because it was possession with intent

336
00:18:19.240 --> 00:18:28.640
<v Speaker 1>to distribute. They caught me with a lot, So that's

337
00:18:28.680 --> 00:18:34.000
<v Speaker 1>like March of twenty sorry, not twenty. That was like

338
00:18:34.079 --> 00:18:39.240
<v Speaker 1>March of two thousand and three four, and I had

339
00:18:39.240 --> 00:18:43.519
<v Speaker 1>about six months March, April, May, June, July, ar six months.

340
00:18:44.160 --> 00:18:47.880
<v Speaker 1>I was like my runway. So now I was trying

341
00:18:47.880 --> 00:18:52.000
<v Speaker 1>to get out. Now I'm stuck in it because I

342
00:18:52.039 --> 00:18:54.079
<v Speaker 1>have to keep dealing in order to get them information,

343
00:18:55.240 --> 00:18:57.079
<v Speaker 1>and my mind is blown, like how is any of

344
00:18:57.079 --> 00:18:58.920
<v Speaker 1>this real? How is this possible. What the fuck? What

345
00:18:58.960 --> 00:19:01.640
<v Speaker 1>do I do? What do I do? You know, I don't.

346
00:19:01.960 --> 00:19:06.839
<v Speaker 1>It's kind of obvious that my drug use skyrocketed. Now

347
00:19:06.880 --> 00:19:10.079
<v Speaker 1>I'm using every day all day. I forgot what it

348
00:19:10.119 --> 00:19:13.000
<v Speaker 1>was like to do a sober breath. I started smoking

349
00:19:13.039 --> 00:19:16.920
<v Speaker 1>the meth but never injecting, because that's what addicts did.

350
00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:22.160
<v Speaker 1>And I had running mates, meaning I had people who

351
00:19:22.200 --> 00:19:24.519
<v Speaker 1>would run and do deals for me, and I had

352
00:19:24.519 --> 00:19:26.079
<v Speaker 1>a lot of you know, the first month or two

353
00:19:26.160 --> 00:19:30.319
<v Speaker 1>was trying to figure out ways to get people to

354
00:19:30.359 --> 00:19:32.519
<v Speaker 1>deal with me, because people knew I was arrested, so

355
00:19:32.559 --> 00:19:34.519
<v Speaker 1>I was like red flagged, so they were all paranoid

356
00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:36.960
<v Speaker 1>to be around me. So I started traveling to other

357
00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:40.799
<v Speaker 1>cities and my plan was to find a bigger supplier elsewhere,

358
00:19:41.359 --> 00:19:43.720
<v Speaker 1>come back to DC, and when it was dry meaning

359
00:19:43.759 --> 00:19:46.599
<v Speaker 1>no product, people would buy from me and then give

360
00:19:46.640 --> 00:19:52.160
<v Speaker 1>me access to a bigger DC supplier and then debate

361
00:19:52.279 --> 00:19:53.880
<v Speaker 1>on whether or not to turn them in. I still

362
00:19:53.880 --> 00:19:55.720
<v Speaker 1>didn't know. I didn't think about that far ahead. I

363
00:19:55.799 --> 00:19:58.279
<v Speaker 1>just needed something to do because again I was still

364
00:19:58.279 --> 00:20:00.839
<v Speaker 1>wrestling with like can I live with the rest of

365
00:20:00.839 --> 00:20:03.119
<v Speaker 1>my life with the guilt of being like a rat?

366
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<v Speaker 2>And you know.

367
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<v Speaker 1>I went to Fort Lauderdale, New Orleans. I went to

368
00:20:09.559 --> 00:20:14.240
<v Speaker 1>New York. The best place was Atlanta. It was cheaper

369
00:20:14.279 --> 00:20:16.880
<v Speaker 1>there because it was closer to the Mexican border for

370
00:20:16.960 --> 00:20:22.079
<v Speaker 1>the cartels. And I struck up this relationship with this

371
00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:25.359
<v Speaker 1>one supplier. He was reminded me of myself. He came

372
00:20:25.359 --> 00:20:29.359
<v Speaker 1>from a very religious background. He was just a sweet guy.

373
00:20:29.400 --> 00:20:30.799
<v Speaker 1>He was like a pastor's kid, and it's like, what

374
00:20:30.839 --> 00:20:32.799
<v Speaker 1>are you doing this world? He was like a massive

375
00:20:32.839 --> 00:20:38.559
<v Speaker 1>supplier in Atlanta, like one step away from the cartels,

376
00:20:38.599 --> 00:20:40.839
<v Speaker 1>like the person he got it from who got it

377
00:20:40.880 --> 00:20:42.640
<v Speaker 1>from the cartels. And he would tell me this, but

378
00:20:42.720 --> 00:20:44.839
<v Speaker 1>he would never bring me along because it was too dangerous.

379
00:20:46.039 --> 00:20:47.680
<v Speaker 1>But I would try to buddy up with him. So

380
00:20:47.720 --> 00:20:49.039
<v Speaker 1>I was like, am I going to rat on him?

381
00:20:49.160 --> 00:20:51.119
<v Speaker 1>Or wait, maybe I can find out who that person

382
00:20:51.240 --> 00:20:54.519
<v Speaker 1>is and rite on them. And then but then I

383
00:20:54.559 --> 00:20:57.279
<v Speaker 1>got way too paranoid because I was like, at that point,

384
00:20:57.279 --> 00:20:59.720
<v Speaker 1>we were like learning of cartels chopping off people's heads,

385
00:20:59.720 --> 00:21:02.279
<v Speaker 1>and so I'm just like, what the fuck do I do?

386
00:21:02.480 --> 00:21:09.839
<v Speaker 1>And he for a good stretch there. I started trance

387
00:21:10.119 --> 00:21:14.200
<v Speaker 1>trafficking through the airports to get the product back up there,

388
00:21:14.240 --> 00:21:16.319
<v Speaker 1>and I put it on my body like I had

389
00:21:16.319 --> 00:21:20.200
<v Speaker 1>this special underwear that I would do. Still the most

390
00:21:20.279 --> 00:21:22.200
<v Speaker 1>terrifying thing I think I've ever done to this day.

391
00:21:22.200 --> 00:21:23.799
<v Speaker 1>It didn't matter the amount of drugs I did, it

392
00:21:23.839 --> 00:21:26.559
<v Speaker 1>was still, I mean, fortunately for me at that time

393
00:21:27.839 --> 00:21:29.799
<v Speaker 1>I think I still do like it looked like some

394
00:21:30.680 --> 00:21:37.319
<v Speaker 1>dumbass white frat college kid. So so fortunately for me,

395
00:21:38.559 --> 00:21:41.200
<v Speaker 1>I learned, But earlier, before I learned, I would always

396
00:21:41.200 --> 00:21:44.079
<v Speaker 1>buy this ticket one way, which is like automatic red

397
00:21:44.079 --> 00:21:47.680
<v Speaker 1>flag for security, extra security check. But I'd be put

398
00:21:47.720 --> 00:21:50.400
<v Speaker 1>in a line, and I'm not kidding, it'd be me

399
00:21:50.799 --> 00:21:54.200
<v Speaker 1>and like thirty Middle Eastern looking men. Because this is

400
00:21:54.200 --> 00:21:55.799
<v Speaker 1>two thousand and three, thousand and four, this is this

401
00:21:55.880 --> 00:21:58.799
<v Speaker 1>is post nine eleven. They could have cared less about me,

402
00:21:59.400 --> 00:22:03.480
<v Speaker 1>but it's still enough to get paranoid. And twice they

403
00:22:03.519 --> 00:22:07.119
<v Speaker 1>found a baggie of white powder. I thought I cleaned

404
00:22:07.119 --> 00:22:09.200
<v Speaker 1>out my bag well enough. Twice they found it, and

405
00:22:09.240 --> 00:22:13.160
<v Speaker 1>twice twice I got away. They were just I played

406
00:22:13.200 --> 00:22:16.440
<v Speaker 1>dumb college kid. I mean, I can't. I can't even

407
00:22:16.519 --> 00:22:21.279
<v Speaker 1>There's so many lucky sob son of a bitch like

408
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:25.839
<v Speaker 1>parts of this story that just blow my mind. So

409
00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:31.799
<v Speaker 1>I thrived on this because I did get back to

410
00:22:31.880 --> 00:22:35.680
<v Speaker 1>DC and people didn't have product I did, nobody else did,

411
00:22:35.720 --> 00:22:37.640
<v Speaker 1>and so suddenly I was the big cat and town

412
00:22:38.160 --> 00:22:41.160
<v Speaker 1>and hence the good little drug lord that's like the

413
00:22:41.200 --> 00:22:47.079
<v Speaker 1>Mormon drug lord. And so I was. I was on top,

414
00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:51.839
<v Speaker 1>and I got by like that for a short while,

415
00:22:52.079 --> 00:22:56.680
<v Speaker 1>knowing my courte was looming. The agents they were in

416
00:22:56.799 --> 00:22:59.680
<v Speaker 1>my phone as I don't know why I did this.

417
00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:02.200
<v Speaker 1>They were in my phone is Yes and No. That

418
00:23:02.640 --> 00:23:04.960
<v Speaker 1>was the name I gave them because I was like, yes,

419
00:23:05.000 --> 00:23:06.720
<v Speaker 1>I do rather no I don't. I don't know why.

420
00:23:06.920 --> 00:23:09.000
<v Speaker 1>So I would get random texts from Yes and No,

421
00:23:09.319 --> 00:23:11.440
<v Speaker 1>just being that clock is ticking. What do you got?

422
00:23:12.240 --> 00:23:15.559
<v Speaker 1>One time I made up completely made up information, I

423
00:23:15.640 --> 00:23:17.359
<v Speaker 1>was like, I don't, I don't even know. I don't

424
00:23:17.359 --> 00:23:19.000
<v Speaker 1>remember what I wrote. I just know I made something up,

425
00:23:19.680 --> 00:23:22.640
<v Speaker 1>and I'm just going through this whole like what do

426
00:23:22.680 --> 00:23:25.640
<v Speaker 1>I do? What do I do? I also didn't want

427
00:23:25.640 --> 00:23:28.160
<v Speaker 1>the drug used to end, because you know, I was.

428
00:23:29.880 --> 00:23:32.279
<v Speaker 1>I had to use more and more to actually escape

429
00:23:32.319 --> 00:23:35.680
<v Speaker 1>all of this the torment and to actually get really

430
00:23:35.720 --> 00:23:39.119
<v Speaker 1>really high. So I just I didn't, you know, but

431
00:23:39.160 --> 00:23:44.160
<v Speaker 1>what happened was and actually the reason I even wrote

432
00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:50.240
<v Speaker 1>this book is because not to show off like this

433
00:23:50.319 --> 00:23:55.480
<v Speaker 1>is what happened to me. The reason was because one

434
00:23:55.519 --> 00:23:59.799
<v Speaker 1>time when I was in Atlanta, I was involved in

435
00:23:59.839 --> 00:24:04.599
<v Speaker 1>an incident with one of his friends who you know.

436
00:24:04.839 --> 00:24:11.400
<v Speaker 1>So there's a party drug called GHB, and like a thimbleful,

437
00:24:11.519 --> 00:24:13.400
<v Speaker 1>can make you feel like you're drunk, and it hits

438
00:24:13.440 --> 00:24:17.640
<v Speaker 1>the same parts of the brain. The gays love it.

439
00:24:18.359 --> 00:24:20.519
<v Speaker 1>It's just it's just it's just an easy way to

440
00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:24.240
<v Speaker 1>feel really drunk. The problem is if you mix that

441
00:24:24.319 --> 00:24:29.359
<v Speaker 1>with alcohol, it's it just shuts the system down. It's lethal.

442
00:24:30.640 --> 00:24:33.960
<v Speaker 1>And this one friend that I only met that night

443
00:24:36.880 --> 00:24:40.640
<v Speaker 1>who I was giving drugs to, he on his own,

444
00:24:41.440 --> 00:24:45.240
<v Speaker 1>we think drank alcohol after he had the GHB. And

445
00:24:45.599 --> 00:24:48.039
<v Speaker 1>you know, when somebody falls out from too much there

446
00:24:48.079 --> 00:24:50.119
<v Speaker 1>also is when somebody falls out from too much GHB.

447
00:24:51.559 --> 00:24:53.359
<v Speaker 1>We just put them on their side, they go to sleep,

448
00:24:53.559 --> 00:24:56.319
<v Speaker 1>that's it. But we never think that they mix it

449
00:24:56.359 --> 00:25:01.480
<v Speaker 1>with alcohol. This guy did, and all those consequences that

450
00:25:01.519 --> 00:25:04.319
<v Speaker 1>I never thought what happened to me. I was still

451
00:25:04.599 --> 00:25:07.400
<v Speaker 1>still in disbelief that these things would happen to me,

452
00:25:07.480 --> 00:25:09.960
<v Speaker 1>and by that point I was arrested. I was an

453
00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:13.319
<v Speaker 1>informant I totaled my car, I had been in threatening situations.

454
00:25:13.359 --> 00:25:15.880
<v Speaker 1>I was now a full blown drug addict. But still

455
00:25:16.400 --> 00:25:19.920
<v Speaker 1>the consequence of actually somebody actually oding was just not

456
00:25:20.319 --> 00:25:25.759
<v Speaker 1>computing to me. So I had many opportunities to potentially

457
00:25:25.799 --> 00:25:29.400
<v Speaker 1>save his life if I acted sooner. And that's my biggest,

458
00:25:29.799 --> 00:25:33.759
<v Speaker 1>biggest regret for my time out there. I finally did act.

459
00:25:34.160 --> 00:25:36.039
<v Speaker 1>You know, I got my friend. We were at the club,

460
00:25:36.200 --> 00:25:40.880
<v Speaker 1>and he was hysterical because you know, by the time

461
00:25:40.960 --> 00:25:44.119
<v Speaker 1>we looked at the friend, he was blue face. I mean,

462
00:25:44.400 --> 00:25:47.079
<v Speaker 1>his eyes were still, I mean, the guy was. I

463
00:25:47.079 --> 00:25:49.759
<v Speaker 1>started doing CPR. I mean it was a very classic

464
00:25:50.160 --> 00:25:54.000
<v Speaker 1>dropped him off the er and sped away. I was

465
00:25:54.359 --> 00:25:56.400
<v Speaker 1>very high, it was very paranoid. I was very all

466
00:25:56.480 --> 00:25:59.559
<v Speaker 1>kinds of things, different state of mind. I get all that,

467
00:25:59.640 --> 00:26:02.240
<v Speaker 1>but still it's a major regret, to the point it

468
00:26:02.359 --> 00:26:05.440
<v Speaker 1>terrified me from traveling. So now Steven's out of the game,

469
00:26:05.480 --> 00:26:08.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm back in DC. I don't have a supplier. I'm

470
00:26:08.000 --> 00:26:10.920
<v Speaker 1>with nothing but the core cases looming. I don't know

471
00:26:10.960 --> 00:26:16.119
<v Speaker 1>what I'm going to do two weeks later, And this

472
00:26:16.160 --> 00:26:18.000
<v Speaker 1>is the reason why I'm actually running the book or

473
00:26:18.039 --> 00:26:20.759
<v Speaker 1>I wrote the book. I get a random phone call.

474
00:26:22.200 --> 00:26:24.920
<v Speaker 1>I was the last number that this young man who died.

475
00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:27.880
<v Speaker 1>I was the last number on his phone bill. And

476
00:26:27.920 --> 00:26:31.559
<v Speaker 1>his mother, I mean this deep, like I don't know Alabama.

477
00:26:31.680 --> 00:26:34.359
<v Speaker 1>Georgia act like she was like, please don't hang up,

478
00:26:36.119 --> 00:26:40.279
<v Speaker 1>just sobbing, and she just she just wanted to know

479
00:26:40.319 --> 00:26:44.599
<v Speaker 1>what happened to her son. I was paranoid. I didn't

480
00:26:44.640 --> 00:26:46.920
<v Speaker 1>know how she got my number. At that point, all

481
00:26:47.000 --> 00:26:48.759
<v Speaker 1>kinds of things are running through my mind. I'm even

482
00:26:48.799 --> 00:26:50.839
<v Speaker 1>thinking like is this like a setup to get cops

483
00:26:51.279 --> 00:26:53.200
<v Speaker 1>for the cops to get me to confess. I mean,

484
00:26:53.240 --> 00:26:56.759
<v Speaker 1>this is a drug addult, paranoid mind. And she just

485
00:26:56.839 --> 00:26:58.839
<v Speaker 1>begged to know what happened to her son, like why

486
00:26:58.960 --> 00:27:03.759
<v Speaker 1>was he dead? I hung up on her, and that

487
00:27:03.960 --> 00:27:06.200
<v Speaker 1>was the beginning of the end for me. I mean

488
00:27:06.559 --> 00:27:08.400
<v Speaker 1>it was very dramatic. I even stood up. I had

489
00:27:08.400 --> 00:27:10.559
<v Speaker 1>a glass bong, like a meth bong in my hand,

490
00:27:10.559 --> 00:27:13.599
<v Speaker 1>and I was like, get up. It was very dramatic,

491
00:27:13.720 --> 00:27:16.519
<v Speaker 1>but it was like I still feel that twenty some

492
00:27:16.559 --> 00:27:19.960
<v Speaker 1>odd years later in my book. After a year later,

493
00:27:19.960 --> 00:27:21.640
<v Speaker 1>after I got sober, I tried to find her and

494
00:27:21.640 --> 00:27:24.240
<v Speaker 1>I could I couldn't find her. I tried recently, I

495
00:27:24.240 --> 00:27:26.480
<v Speaker 1>couldn't find her. So my book is also like a

496
00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:29.480
<v Speaker 1>message in a bottle to potentially this grieving mother who's

497
00:27:29.480 --> 00:27:33.759
<v Speaker 1>still out there, to offer her some solace if she's

498
00:27:33.759 --> 00:27:35.319
<v Speaker 1>looking for that. She may not even be looking for that,

499
00:27:35.359 --> 00:27:37.599
<v Speaker 1>but this is my way of making an amends to her,

500
00:27:37.799 --> 00:27:40.279
<v Speaker 1>is to like really get this book out there. But

501
00:27:40.319 --> 00:27:43.279
<v Speaker 1>after that happened, and with more pressure from the investigators,

502
00:27:43.319 --> 00:27:47.160
<v Speaker 1>I needed to do something, and so I had one

503
00:27:47.200 --> 00:27:52.400
<v Speaker 1>of my runners was by day hairstylists, and he would

504
00:27:52.400 --> 00:27:55.559
<v Speaker 1>do house calls, but most of his house calls at

505
00:27:55.559 --> 00:27:58.240
<v Speaker 1>this point were to cut someone's hair and to deliver

506
00:27:58.400 --> 00:28:01.319
<v Speaker 1>my drugs. So we had a lot of clients like that,

507
00:28:01.799 --> 00:28:06.079
<v Speaker 1>and one of them was this girl whose boyfriend was

508
00:28:06.079 --> 00:28:08.720
<v Speaker 1>trying to get into the business. The only catch was

509
00:28:08.920 --> 00:28:11.880
<v Speaker 1>he was supposedly tied to the Russian mafia. And when

510
00:28:11.880 --> 00:28:13.400
<v Speaker 1>he first told me that, I was like, get the

511
00:28:13.440 --> 00:28:16.519
<v Speaker 1>fuck out. What do you get the shut just no,

512
00:28:17.000 --> 00:28:19.200
<v Speaker 1>like no. But at this that was before all this

513
00:28:19.240 --> 00:28:21.039
<v Speaker 1>went down, And once this all went down and I

514
00:28:21.079 --> 00:28:23.960
<v Speaker 1>had no other options, I said, fuck it, let's do it.

515
00:28:24.680 --> 00:28:29.200
<v Speaker 1>And I met him and he claimed to be Russian mafia.

516
00:28:29.319 --> 00:28:32.079
<v Speaker 1>He looked he was early twenties like I was. He

517
00:28:32.119 --> 00:28:35.559
<v Speaker 1>looked Russian mafia. I mean he put a it was

518
00:28:35.599 --> 00:28:38.559
<v Speaker 1>an in pearl inlaid gun, like just on the table,

519
00:28:38.720 --> 00:28:41.160
<v Speaker 1>just to make sure I knew I was not you know,

520
00:28:41.759 --> 00:28:45.400
<v Speaker 1>he was not somebody to fuck around with. He had

521
00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:47.880
<v Speaker 1>the best meth I had ever come across, and that

522
00:28:47.920 --> 00:28:50.079
<v Speaker 1>I'm sure anybody would have ever come across. And he

523
00:28:50.200 --> 00:28:52.480
<v Speaker 1>wanted me to, you know, he had pounds of it

524
00:28:52.519 --> 00:28:55.079
<v Speaker 1>and he wanted me to, you know, supply the city

525
00:28:55.119 --> 00:29:06.559
<v Speaker 1>with it, and so I did, and uh uh. The

526
00:29:06.640 --> 00:29:09.559
<v Speaker 1>myth was so good that I ended up using most

527
00:29:09.559 --> 00:29:13.079
<v Speaker 1>of it and not selling it. And I started owing

528
00:29:13.119 --> 00:29:15.279
<v Speaker 1>this guy money and he started threatening me more with

529
00:29:15.400 --> 00:29:17.839
<v Speaker 1>like do you know who I work for? They're watching you,

530
00:29:17.960 --> 00:29:20.279
<v Speaker 1>And so my paranoid mind, I swear I saw old

531
00:29:20.359 --> 00:29:23.240
<v Speaker 1>Russian ment following me everywhere. He put the gun in

532
00:29:23.279 --> 00:29:26.279
<v Speaker 1>my face, he would pin me. He was also very attractive,

533
00:29:26.319 --> 00:29:28.720
<v Speaker 1>and so I was like it was really messed up

534
00:29:28.759 --> 00:29:34.000
<v Speaker 1>because I was like, oh, okay, man, uh uh, but

535
00:29:34.079 --> 00:29:37.319
<v Speaker 1>I was trying. I was trying. I was, And that's

536
00:29:37.359 --> 00:29:43.200
<v Speaker 1>when I was like, am I turning in the Russian mafia?

537
00:29:43.720 --> 00:29:43.799
<v Speaker 4>Like?

538
00:29:44.279 --> 00:29:46.480
<v Speaker 1>Is that what I'm doing here? Is that am I

539
00:29:46.519 --> 00:29:49.480
<v Speaker 1>about to do this, because like that would definitely get

540
00:29:49.519 --> 00:29:53.279
<v Speaker 1>my case cleared. I didn't wear a wire or anything,

541
00:29:53.400 --> 00:29:57.680
<v Speaker 1>but you know, it took the in my Bookie's name

542
00:29:57.759 --> 00:30:00.279
<v Speaker 1>is Serge. She went by or Vediem. Sorry, his real

543
00:30:00.359 --> 00:30:02.480
<v Speaker 1>name was Serge, but he goes by the Vedemon the book.

544
00:30:02.559 --> 00:30:06.519
<v Speaker 1>There you go. He would always meet me at a hotel,

545
00:30:07.480 --> 00:30:10.000
<v Speaker 1>but eventually he trusted me enough for me to go

546
00:30:10.039 --> 00:30:13.400
<v Speaker 1>to his apartment. So and also he started talking about

547
00:30:13.440 --> 00:30:15.640
<v Speaker 1>like his brother was having a baby, He's going to

548
00:30:15.680 --> 00:30:17.759
<v Speaker 1>be an uncle. Like he started giving me more personal stuff,

549
00:30:17.759 --> 00:30:21.160
<v Speaker 1>and in my mind, I'm like begging him to not

550
00:30:21.279 --> 00:30:24.039
<v Speaker 1>tell me this information because now I'm just getting more

551
00:30:24.079 --> 00:30:28.640
<v Speaker 1>and more information to tell these investigators because the clock

552
00:30:28.720 --> 00:30:35.759
<v Speaker 1>is ticking and I'm almost there. But it got so

553
00:30:36.000 --> 00:30:39.359
<v Speaker 1>bad because I started owing him, I mean thousands and

554
00:30:39.400 --> 00:30:42.640
<v Speaker 1>thousands of dollars that I had to just cut off,

555
00:30:42.720 --> 00:30:44.680
<v Speaker 1>like not cut off. I just avoided him. And so

556
00:30:44.759 --> 00:30:47.240
<v Speaker 1>now here I am about to have to go to

557
00:30:47.279 --> 00:30:50.680
<v Speaker 1>my sentencing. This mother recently called me. I'm feeling like

558
00:30:50.920 --> 00:30:54.559
<v Speaker 1>the worst piece of shit in the absolute world, Like

559
00:30:54.799 --> 00:30:56.880
<v Speaker 1>how can I be like this? I deserve everything bad

560
00:30:56.920 --> 00:31:02.240
<v Speaker 1>that's happening to me, this guy's threatening my life. Wait

561
00:31:02.359 --> 00:31:04.039
<v Speaker 1>if I get off this case, is he get to

562
00:31:04.079 --> 00:31:05.759
<v Speaker 1>still thrown? Wait? Is he gonna kill me if I

563
00:31:05.799 --> 00:31:07.839
<v Speaker 1>turn him in? Wait? What does that mean? And I'm

564
00:31:07.839 --> 00:31:10.079
<v Speaker 1>also a piece of shit? Oh wait, I actually can't

565
00:31:10.079 --> 00:31:11.960
<v Speaker 1>stop using drugs. This is like the first time I'm

566
00:31:12.000 --> 00:31:14.519
<v Speaker 1>realizing that. And then my only solution was like, I

567
00:31:14.559 --> 00:31:16.720
<v Speaker 1>fucking deserve to go to prison. I deserve it. I

568
00:31:16.759 --> 00:31:18.119
<v Speaker 1>can't stop it, Like I was, like it or go

569
00:31:18.200 --> 00:31:20.119
<v Speaker 1>run away and hide. So when I showed up to

570
00:31:20.160 --> 00:31:23.119
<v Speaker 1>my sentencing, I was like proud that I wasn't a rat,

571
00:31:23.319 --> 00:31:25.319
<v Speaker 1>but I was also like looking for the safety even

572
00:31:25.359 --> 00:31:28.079
<v Speaker 1>though prisons scared the living shit out of me, and

573
00:31:28.079 --> 00:31:31.799
<v Speaker 1>the investigators were constantly like, dude, you don't know what

574
00:31:31.799 --> 00:31:34.599
<v Speaker 1>it's like in there. We do, you won't survive, like

575
00:31:34.599 --> 00:31:37.400
<v Speaker 1>they were constantly making it like the most terrifying thing

576
00:31:37.400 --> 00:31:40.720
<v Speaker 1>in the world. But out here was terrifying. And my

577
00:31:40.920 --> 00:31:42.960
<v Speaker 1>parents and my family, what were they gonna do? What

578
00:31:42.960 --> 00:31:45.240
<v Speaker 1>were they gonna do? This was like all a situation.

579
00:31:45.359 --> 00:31:48.759
<v Speaker 1>I was just this was I've always tried to find

580
00:31:48.759 --> 00:31:55.720
<v Speaker 1>a way to describe the level of loneliness that I

581
00:31:55.720 --> 00:31:58.720
<v Speaker 1>felt because I was hiding from the world by being

582
00:31:58.720 --> 00:32:01.319
<v Speaker 1>in the drug world. Yet in the drug world, I

583
00:32:01.400 --> 00:32:03.319
<v Speaker 1>now had a secret that I was hiding from even

584
00:32:03.359 --> 00:32:05.599
<v Speaker 1>the closest people I was with, that I was this informant.

585
00:32:05.640 --> 00:32:08.880
<v Speaker 1>None of them knew. Absolutely nobody knew. So I was

586
00:32:10.160 --> 00:32:14.680
<v Speaker 1>like alone, like just crushed under everything that was happening.

587
00:32:14.720 --> 00:32:18.799
<v Speaker 1>So that's part of this sentencing was just giving up.

588
00:32:19.039 --> 00:32:22.319
<v Speaker 1>Was just like I can't I'm done. I don't know

589
00:32:22.359 --> 00:32:25.480
<v Speaker 1>what to do. I'm done. But when I showed up

590
00:32:25.480 --> 00:32:29.279
<v Speaker 1>for the sentencing, you know, I had a court appointed lawyer,

591
00:32:29.400 --> 00:32:32.119
<v Speaker 1>this guy named Dennis Braddock Hart of Gold, I mean

592
00:32:32.480 --> 00:32:36.279
<v Speaker 1>the classic like you know, he'd give me his last

593
00:32:36.319 --> 00:32:39.240
<v Speaker 1>sandwich kind of guy. In fact, in fact, way back

594
00:32:39.319 --> 00:32:41.240
<v Speaker 1>when when I was first arrested and he was first

595
00:32:41.279 --> 00:32:44.720
<v Speaker 1>appointed to me, and the night after my arrest and

596
00:32:45.039 --> 00:32:46.680
<v Speaker 1>you know, he's walking me out of the courthouse, he

597
00:32:46.680 --> 00:32:48.319
<v Speaker 1>gave me twenty bucks. He was like, I'm sure you

598
00:32:48.319 --> 00:32:52.160
<v Speaker 1>need this kid like that kind of guy. He's with

599
00:32:52.279 --> 00:32:54.839
<v Speaker 1>me and we're standing up before the judge and this

600
00:32:54.960 --> 00:32:58.200
<v Speaker 1>young prosecutor stands up and the judge you can see

601
00:32:58.240 --> 00:32:59.960
<v Speaker 1>like in his eyes like he's ready to just sentence

602
00:33:00.160 --> 00:33:02.960
<v Speaker 1>me to everything like ten plus years your fucked kid.

603
00:33:04.319 --> 00:33:06.160
<v Speaker 1>But the young prosecutor was just like, you're on a

604
00:33:06.599 --> 00:33:10.160
<v Speaker 1>resking for this case to me dismissed. And Dennis is like,

605
00:33:11.039 --> 00:33:13.319
<v Speaker 1>don't say anything. I'm like, I don't know what the Fu's happening.

606
00:33:13.759 --> 00:33:15.839
<v Speaker 1>And the judge is even confused. He's like, I'm sorry,

607
00:33:15.839 --> 00:33:18.079
<v Speaker 1>what are you sure? And he repeats it, and the

608
00:33:18.160 --> 00:33:22.920
<v Speaker 1>judge was like, case dismissed. And you know, mister Braddock

609
00:33:23.839 --> 00:33:28.440
<v Speaker 1>grabs me, pulls me to a side room, sits me down.

610
00:33:28.519 --> 00:33:31.799
<v Speaker 1>He's like, what did you do? I'm like, you know,

611
00:33:32.279 --> 00:33:34.839
<v Speaker 1>in the tweaker world, people say they know somebody who

612
00:33:34.880 --> 00:33:38.119
<v Speaker 1>did something. I mean one of the one of the

613
00:33:38.160 --> 00:33:41.319
<v Speaker 1>main dealers until he was busted three times was a

614
00:33:41.400 --> 00:33:44.000
<v Speaker 1>retired federal judge. I mean this guy. There was this

615
00:33:44.039 --> 00:33:46.720
<v Speaker 1>guy who lived, you know, near the capitol and he

616
00:33:46.759 --> 00:33:49.400
<v Speaker 1>was a retired federal judge and like his house was

617
00:33:49.400 --> 00:33:51.559
<v Speaker 1>a known like I mean, you went there and like

618
00:33:51.960 --> 00:33:54.319
<v Speaker 1>whatever you imagine a drugged nd to be, That's what

619
00:33:54.319 --> 00:33:58.759
<v Speaker 1>this was. And this guy, you know, so people, you know,

620
00:33:58.960 --> 00:34:00.839
<v Speaker 1>one of one of the people I dealt with was

621
00:34:01.599 --> 00:34:03.240
<v Speaker 1>I'm not going to say who, but there was was

622
00:34:03.240 --> 00:34:05.599
<v Speaker 1>a campaign finance manager, you know, from one of the

623
00:34:05.640 --> 00:34:08.880
<v Speaker 1>Senate campaigns. Another was a retired pop star. So like,

624
00:34:09.159 --> 00:34:11.960
<v Speaker 1>people do stuff, but I didn't think anybody who's actually

625
00:34:11.960 --> 00:34:14.199
<v Speaker 1>gonna do anything, and I don't think anybody actually did.

626
00:34:14.360 --> 00:34:16.239
<v Speaker 1>But I said that to that mister Braddock, and he

627
00:34:16.320 --> 00:34:20.119
<v Speaker 1>was just like, I've done hundreds, if not thousands, of these,

628
00:34:20.159 --> 00:34:27.400
<v Speaker 1>and I've never I've never seen this before. And I'm

629
00:34:27.400 --> 00:34:30.360
<v Speaker 1>exactly like how I am now. I'm just like, He's like,

630
00:34:30.760 --> 00:34:35.119
<v Speaker 1>you are, this is your second You are get out

631
00:34:35.159 --> 00:34:39.719
<v Speaker 1>of here and never come back. And and uh, I

632
00:34:39.760 --> 00:34:41.719
<v Speaker 1>got out of there, and I'm in shock, and I

633
00:34:41.760 --> 00:34:44.840
<v Speaker 1>you know, I called my mom and she was, you know, sobbing,

634
00:34:44.880 --> 00:34:48.119
<v Speaker 1>and I'm just like really experiencing this, Like I'm like, Okay,

635
00:34:48.159 --> 00:34:51.840
<v Speaker 1>this is my end. Okay, this is my out. And

636
00:34:51.880 --> 00:34:54.880
<v Speaker 1>then I walk a few more steps and I start

637
00:34:54.920 --> 00:34:58.760
<v Speaker 1>craving myth. I walk a few more steps, I start

638
00:34:58.760 --> 00:35:01.760
<v Speaker 1>craving other drugs, and then I walk a few more

639
00:35:01.760 --> 00:35:06.760
<v Speaker 1>steps and then I'm like, I can't get out because

640
00:35:07.800 --> 00:35:11.760
<v Speaker 1>Vadim was threatening my friends, so I have to keep

641
00:35:11.800 --> 00:35:13.159
<v Speaker 1>dealing in order to pay them back.

642
00:35:14.519 --> 00:35:14.880
<v Speaker 2>And so.

643
00:35:17.800 --> 00:35:21.039
<v Speaker 1>And so I lasted six more weeks based on that,

644
00:35:23.480 --> 00:35:27.039
<v Speaker 1>and it got dark and those six weeks is when

645
00:35:27.079 --> 00:35:30.800
<v Speaker 1>it got dark because I didn't now I didn't have

646
00:35:30.840 --> 00:35:34.079
<v Speaker 1>any money. So what did I do? I in a

647
00:35:34.159 --> 00:35:37.039
<v Speaker 1>hilarious chapter in my book, it's not what you think

648
00:35:37.079 --> 00:35:40.239
<v Speaker 1>it is, but I definitely was paid for sex. But

649
00:35:40.280 --> 00:35:42.880
<v Speaker 1>it wasn't actually full sex, but I was paid for it.

650
00:35:42.880 --> 00:35:48.039
<v Speaker 1>It was a terrible experience, but I got enough for

651
00:35:48.119 --> 00:35:51.400
<v Speaker 1>an eight ball to start, you know, doing my business again.

652
00:35:52.960 --> 00:35:57.079
<v Speaker 1>But I was, I was. I was long gone those

653
00:35:57.159 --> 00:36:02.920
<v Speaker 1>last four weeks. And also I lived in an abandoned apartment.

654
00:36:03.920 --> 00:36:07.280
<v Speaker 1>My running mate, this gal who is closest to she

655
00:36:07.559 --> 00:36:10.440
<v Speaker 1>was starting to live there. Other friends had, but it

656
00:36:10.480 --> 00:36:13.079
<v Speaker 1>was abandoned because it would flood out. It was a

657
00:36:13.079 --> 00:36:14.920
<v Speaker 1>basement apartment that would flood and the rain so it

658
00:36:14.960 --> 00:36:18.719
<v Speaker 1>had this moldy smell and like from rain water. And

659
00:36:18.800 --> 00:36:23.440
<v Speaker 1>I was like on an air mattress. And I was

660
00:36:23.480 --> 00:36:25.840
<v Speaker 1>convincing myself that I was here to make some more

661
00:36:25.840 --> 00:36:29.840
<v Speaker 1>money to pay off the dem which which was stupid.

662
00:36:29.840 --> 00:36:31.960
<v Speaker 1>And so when this running mede, this girl is with,

663
00:36:32.039 --> 00:36:33.719
<v Speaker 1>when she came to me two weeks before my twenty

664
00:36:33.719 --> 00:36:36.840
<v Speaker 1>third birthday, and she said, I don't want you to

665
00:36:36.840 --> 00:36:39.639
<v Speaker 1>get mad at me, but I want to get sober.

666
00:36:39.679 --> 00:36:42.239
<v Speaker 1>I want to go to rehab, and then I can't.

667
00:36:42.239 --> 00:36:43.559
<v Speaker 1>I should, you know not. I looked at her and

668
00:36:43.599 --> 00:36:46.400
<v Speaker 1>I was like, I looked at her, and I was

669
00:36:46.480 --> 00:36:50.239
<v Speaker 1>just like, you can do that. Like I didn't know

670
00:36:50.280 --> 00:36:54.559
<v Speaker 1>that was an option. I truly, I you know, in

671
00:36:54.599 --> 00:36:56.400
<v Speaker 1>the nineties, it was like train spotting. So it was

672
00:36:56.440 --> 00:36:58.320
<v Speaker 1>like Heroin addicts in a haunted house. Like I just

673
00:36:58.360 --> 00:37:03.760
<v Speaker 1>didn't know, you know. A side note. When I did

674
00:37:03.760 --> 00:37:06.519
<v Speaker 1>go to rehab, eventually, I was in that half of

675
00:37:06.559 --> 00:37:08.800
<v Speaker 1>the people I was in there with were suburban moms

676
00:37:08.800 --> 00:37:12.199
<v Speaker 1>who couldn't stop drinking chardonnay, So like re answer anybody.

677
00:37:13.679 --> 00:37:16.519
<v Speaker 1>But I was like, I suddenly had this out. I

678
00:37:16.559 --> 00:37:19.000
<v Speaker 1>was like, Okay, well, you know, my birthday is in

679
00:37:19.000 --> 00:37:21.159
<v Speaker 1>two weeks. Let's celebrate my birthday and have a going

680
00:37:21.199 --> 00:37:26.679
<v Speaker 1>away party and so and we'll stop then. And I

681
00:37:26.760 --> 00:37:28.480
<v Speaker 1>was serious about that. But when we hit my twenty

682
00:37:28.480 --> 00:37:31.199
<v Speaker 1>third birthday and the clubs, by the way, they all

683
00:37:31.280 --> 00:37:33.360
<v Speaker 1>knew me. The owners knew me. I didn't, you know.

684
00:37:33.920 --> 00:37:35.559
<v Speaker 1>They gave me a going away party at one of

685
00:37:35.559 --> 00:37:37.360
<v Speaker 1>the biggest clubs there. They just handed it to me,

686
00:37:37.480 --> 00:37:41.519
<v Speaker 1>because you know, and we had the going away party

687
00:37:41.639 --> 00:37:43.960
<v Speaker 1>and then you know, the next morning came and it

688
00:37:44.000 --> 00:37:46.400
<v Speaker 1>was when I was supposed to stop using. And this

689
00:37:46.519 --> 00:37:51.239
<v Speaker 1>is when all illusions, this is when everything, everything, whatever

690
00:37:51.360 --> 00:37:54.840
<v Speaker 1>mental constructions I was building in my head just shattered

691
00:37:54.880 --> 00:37:57.519
<v Speaker 1>to the ground because I was like screaming at myself

692
00:37:57.519 --> 00:38:00.519
<v Speaker 1>to stop using, but literally my body was keep kept

693
00:38:00.519 --> 00:38:03.000
<v Speaker 1>putting the pipe up, and all illusions that I could

694
00:38:03.000 --> 00:38:04.960
<v Speaker 1>stop were shattered. And that's when I realized I had

695
00:38:04.960 --> 00:38:08.840
<v Speaker 1>an absolute absolute. I was fucked. I had an absolute

696
00:38:08.880 --> 00:38:11.039
<v Speaker 1>This is you know. I came back into my body

697
00:38:11.039 --> 00:38:13.360
<v Speaker 1>for the first time in two years, and a small

698
00:38:13.400 --> 00:38:16.480
<v Speaker 1>window opened up where I realized we had a Kate

699
00:38:17.440 --> 00:38:22.159
<v Speaker 1>Lexi in the book. We both recognized we had a

700
00:38:22.159 --> 00:38:25.599
<v Speaker 1>small window to jump through, and so we did. And

701
00:38:28.639 --> 00:38:31.159
<v Speaker 1>eventually she called her parents and I called mine, and they,

702
00:38:31.400 --> 00:38:35.320
<v Speaker 1>you know, they picked us up while I'll say this

703
00:38:35.400 --> 00:38:37.480
<v Speaker 1>and then this is the end of that story. I

704
00:38:37.519 --> 00:38:39.920
<v Speaker 1>got through it actually faster than I ever have. By

705
00:38:39.960 --> 00:38:42.440
<v Speaker 1>the way, you're you're helping me be more efficient with it.

706
00:38:46.480 --> 00:38:50.639
<v Speaker 1>This honesty of suddenly saying I have this talk about authenticity,

707
00:38:53.079 --> 00:38:56.039
<v Speaker 1>I can't stop using. I need help. I made my

708
00:38:56.119 --> 00:38:58.880
<v Speaker 1>ex boyfriend come and get all the drugs I called

709
00:38:58.880 --> 00:39:02.840
<v Speaker 1>my parents and while they were on their way, I

710
00:39:02.920 --> 00:39:07.480
<v Speaker 1>didn't know what to do. Vadim was still calling me

711
00:39:07.920 --> 00:39:10.880
<v Speaker 1>and I didn't know what to do. And he shows

712
00:39:10.960 --> 00:39:16.960
<v Speaker 1>up and I didn't know what to do. But I

713
00:39:17.000 --> 00:39:19.599
<v Speaker 1>was doing this honesty thing, so I didn't know what

714
00:39:19.599 --> 00:39:25.280
<v Speaker 1>to say. So I said, hey, man, I'm getting sober.

715
00:39:26.719 --> 00:39:31.440
<v Speaker 1>Can I pay you back in installment plans? Can I

716
00:39:31.480 --> 00:39:35.599
<v Speaker 1>have a payment plan? I didn't know what else to say.

717
00:39:35.800 --> 00:39:38.920
<v Speaker 1>I was just like, I was like, I'm going to rehab,

718
00:39:39.440 --> 00:39:45.559
<v Speaker 1>and I shit you not. My editor made me change

719
00:39:46.000 --> 00:39:51.119
<v Speaker 1>the wording of this because it sounded too like unrealistic,

720
00:39:51.199 --> 00:39:55.039
<v Speaker 1>but I swear to you. He took a beat after

721
00:39:55.079 --> 00:39:57.320
<v Speaker 1>I said I'm going to rehab. He took a beat

722
00:39:57.800 --> 00:40:01.559
<v Speaker 1>and then, looking wistfully, he's like, you can do that,

723
00:40:02.000 --> 00:40:04.400
<v Speaker 1>Like he said the same thing I said. I was like,

724
00:40:04.480 --> 00:40:10.480
<v Speaker 1>what is up with this world? And so and I'm like, yeah, man, yeah,

725
00:40:10.559 --> 00:40:13.079
<v Speaker 1>you can totally do that. And then there was another

726
00:40:13.159 --> 00:40:17.199
<v Speaker 1>beat and he's like looking wistfully off and he turns

727
00:40:17.239 --> 00:40:20.039
<v Speaker 1>back and he's like, you know, I've always wanted to

728
00:40:20.039 --> 00:40:25.639
<v Speaker 1>sell real estate in Baltimore. Yeah, man, you you can

729
00:40:25.679 --> 00:40:28.280
<v Speaker 1>do that. Yeah, yeah, you should do that, man, and

730
00:40:28.280 --> 00:40:30.159
<v Speaker 1>then there's another beat and then he was like, you

731
00:40:30.199 --> 00:40:35.000
<v Speaker 1>know what, forget about the money, good luck, and my

732
00:40:35.039 --> 00:40:39.559
<v Speaker 1>mouth just dropped and it confirmed, you know, what I

733
00:40:39.599 --> 00:40:41.880
<v Speaker 1>was doing was the right thing. And then I got

734
00:40:41.920 --> 00:40:46.559
<v Speaker 1>in the car of my parents like white suv or minivan,

735
00:40:46.719 --> 00:40:50.320
<v Speaker 1>odesty minivan, just put my head between my legs and

736
00:40:50.400 --> 00:40:52.559
<v Speaker 1>just we were off And that was the beginning of

737
00:40:52.599 --> 00:41:02.639
<v Speaker 1>my recovery journey. It sounds so unbelievable, but it's all

738
00:41:02.639 --> 00:41:04.400
<v Speaker 1>in the book. It's how it happened.

739
00:41:06.360 --> 00:41:11.000
<v Speaker 2>That is insane. What made me laugh was like it

740
00:41:11.119 --> 00:41:16.239
<v Speaker 2>reminded me of blow with Johnny Depp, except yeah, yeah,

741
00:41:16.320 --> 00:41:18.440
<v Speaker 2>a whole lot weirder and a whole lot more luck.

742
00:41:19.280 --> 00:41:21.480
<v Speaker 2>Especially when you were talking about the hairdresser, was like

743
00:41:21.639 --> 00:41:23.519
<v Speaker 2>Jesus Christ Almighty.

744
00:41:24.119 --> 00:41:27.360
<v Speaker 1>Oh, I didn't even I didn't even talk about so

745
00:41:27.599 --> 00:41:29.800
<v Speaker 1>when I after, this is so funny. This is just

746
00:41:29.840 --> 00:41:32.320
<v Speaker 1>to add to the weirdness and the absurdity of everything.

747
00:41:32.800 --> 00:41:35.079
<v Speaker 1>So right after I got arrested and nobody would deal

748
00:41:35.159 --> 00:41:38.079
<v Speaker 1>with me, the only person that would was this high

749
00:41:38.079 --> 00:41:42.280
<v Speaker 1>powered DC attorney who you know, knew better. Like he

750
00:41:42.400 --> 00:41:43.840
<v Speaker 1>was like, kid, you're not gonna fuck with me, Like

751
00:41:43.880 --> 00:41:45.360
<v Speaker 1>he just essentially said that to me, and I was

752
00:41:45.400 --> 00:41:47.159
<v Speaker 1>playing dumb. I was like, what are you talking about?

753
00:41:47.199 --> 00:41:49.000
<v Speaker 1>I have not done a uninformant. He was like, dude,

754
00:41:49.000 --> 00:41:53.880
<v Speaker 1>you're an idiot. But I became his dealer and his

755
00:41:53.960 --> 00:41:59.559
<v Speaker 1>girlfriend was this She must have been early fifties. She

756
00:41:59.559 --> 00:42:02.960
<v Speaker 1>probably was in her forties, but she looked like Shirley Temple.

757
00:42:03.360 --> 00:42:05.960
<v Speaker 1>She had freckles and she was a prostitute. But she

758
00:42:06.079 --> 00:42:09.000
<v Speaker 1>was half deaf, so you had to really speak up

759
00:42:09.039 --> 00:42:12.599
<v Speaker 1>and articulate. And so what happened. What happened was I

760
00:42:12.639 --> 00:42:14.559
<v Speaker 1>lived with her the first couple of months of just

761
00:42:14.599 --> 00:42:17.599
<v Speaker 1>getting out. So in the studio apartment was this fifty

762
00:42:17.679 --> 00:42:22.800
<v Speaker 1>year old drug add like tweaker, like prostitute, half death.

763
00:42:23.039 --> 00:42:26.360
<v Speaker 1>I'd be like, Kimmy, like that, I'm living with her.

764
00:42:26.400 --> 00:42:29.039
<v Speaker 1>So it's just this absurd scenario that I was that

765
00:42:29.079 --> 00:42:34.280
<v Speaker 1>I was first put into a bunch of characters.

766
00:42:33.239 --> 00:42:36.760
<v Speaker 2>So when are you going to work on the screenplay?

767
00:42:36.840 --> 00:42:38.360
<v Speaker 2>Is my next?

768
00:42:39.360 --> 00:42:42.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's that's for sure happening at the same time

769
00:42:42.079 --> 00:42:44.079
<v Speaker 1>because you are definitely not I mean, people want to

770
00:42:44.079 --> 00:42:46.159
<v Speaker 1>see this. I mean you'll see it in your mind. Obviously,

771
00:42:46.159 --> 00:42:50.079
<v Speaker 1>you'll have your own everybody has her own idea. But

772
00:42:50.159 --> 00:42:54.119
<v Speaker 1>I I would I am working on the screenplay myself,

773
00:42:54.199 --> 00:42:56.599
<v Speaker 1>but you know, I would love it. I'd love to

774
00:42:56.679 --> 00:43:01.360
<v Speaker 1>hand it off to a direct with his own vision

775
00:43:02.039 --> 00:43:04.920
<v Speaker 1>because I want to see how somebody else does my story.

776
00:43:04.920 --> 00:43:07.159
<v Speaker 1>But I can. Yes, I'm working on the screenplay, so

777
00:43:07.199 --> 00:43:09.920
<v Speaker 1>you have like the architecture of everything, but I want

778
00:43:09.920 --> 00:43:12.639
<v Speaker 1>to hand it off so somebody else can, Like, how

779
00:43:12.639 --> 00:43:15.199
<v Speaker 1>would somebody else approach this? I'm obviously too close to

780
00:43:15.239 --> 00:43:16.320
<v Speaker 1>the material.

781
00:43:16.920 --> 00:43:17.320
<v Speaker 2>Right.

782
00:43:19.119 --> 00:43:19.320
<v Speaker 3>Man?

783
00:43:22.760 --> 00:43:24.840
<v Speaker 2>Do you really think all of this just happened for

784
00:43:24.880 --> 00:43:31.239
<v Speaker 2>a higher purpose even though it was? Hell, I what.

785
00:43:31.320 --> 00:43:41.559
<v Speaker 1>A great question. If I want to have a better

786
00:43:41.719 --> 00:43:48.280
<v Speaker 1>time at life, it behooves me to believe that. I

787
00:43:48.320 --> 00:43:50.239
<v Speaker 1>think for a while there I was more of the

788
00:43:50.360 --> 00:43:53.480
<v Speaker 1>nihilistic what's the point? We're all just you know, going

789
00:43:53.480 --> 00:43:57.360
<v Speaker 1>through my phases of understanding spirituality or higher power, whatever

790
00:43:57.440 --> 00:44:05.360
<v Speaker 1>you will. But I do choose to believe that there

791
00:44:05.519 --> 00:44:11.039
<v Speaker 1>was a purpose for sure, particular to my soul's authentic

792
00:44:11.119 --> 00:44:17.880
<v Speaker 1>journey through that. Regardless of that, even an atheist who

793
00:44:17.920 --> 00:44:20.280
<v Speaker 1>would look at my story and be like, yeah, no,

794
00:44:20.599 --> 00:44:22.400
<v Speaker 1>you weren't meant to be out there. There's too many

795
00:44:22.440 --> 00:44:24.440
<v Speaker 1>there's too much good luck and too many close calls

796
00:44:24.440 --> 00:44:28.159
<v Speaker 1>like you are you are lucky, lucky, lucky, And clearly

797
00:44:28.199 --> 00:44:29.639
<v Speaker 1>you were meant to get through that part of your

798
00:44:29.679 --> 00:44:32.679
<v Speaker 1>journey pretty quickly because it burned. I burned through that real,

799
00:44:32.960 --> 00:44:37.440
<v Speaker 1>real fast. And if my journey is now on this

800
00:44:37.480 --> 00:44:41.199
<v Speaker 1>other side where I'm sharing it like this, then this

801
00:44:41.280 --> 00:44:43.159
<v Speaker 1>is another part of this is an extension of the

802
00:44:43.239 --> 00:44:47.239
<v Speaker 1>journey to what end. I don't know. I told you

803
00:44:47.280 --> 00:44:50.920
<v Speaker 1>my own personal which is an amends, which is, you know,

804
00:44:50.960 --> 00:44:55.159
<v Speaker 1>trying to make up for the awful choices I made,

805
00:44:55.239 --> 00:44:58.039
<v Speaker 1>regardless of the state of mind that I was in.

806
00:44:59.039 --> 00:45:01.760
<v Speaker 1>I mean, there's a perspective on my story where I

807
00:45:01.880 --> 00:45:04.039
<v Speaker 1>just made a bunch, not a bunch, I just made

808
00:45:04.719 --> 00:45:13.400
<v Speaker 1>a bazillion really bad choices, and irregardless of the amount

809
00:45:13.440 --> 00:45:15.360
<v Speaker 1>of pain I was coming through. You know, I painted

810
00:45:15.360 --> 00:45:18.280
<v Speaker 1>a quick picture of what I came from, and that's

811
00:45:18.599 --> 00:45:20.880
<v Speaker 1>that's not even all of it. Obviously it's not all

812
00:45:20.920 --> 00:45:27.440
<v Speaker 1>of it, but there has to be a purpose to it.

813
00:45:30.920 --> 00:45:36.920
<v Speaker 2>During your time in rehabilitation and all of that, what

814
00:45:37.079 --> 00:45:40.960
<v Speaker 2>was the turning point for you when you said, Okay,

815
00:45:42.440 --> 00:45:44.920
<v Speaker 2>I think I got a handle on this and I'm

816
00:45:44.960 --> 00:45:57.079
<v Speaker 2>actually ready to live In reality, there's two moments.

817
00:45:57.079 --> 00:46:02.239
<v Speaker 1>I would say that first year I did, I did

818
00:46:02.320 --> 00:46:05.039
<v Speaker 1>rehab in Northern Virginia and then I did an outpatient

819
00:46:05.079 --> 00:46:07.960
<v Speaker 1>program in Washington, d C. At the Whitman Walker Clinic,

820
00:46:07.960 --> 00:46:11.480
<v Speaker 1>and I had a really wonderful counselor there. And that

821
00:46:11.559 --> 00:46:14.000
<v Speaker 1>first year I was kind of like I was cocooned.

822
00:46:14.000 --> 00:46:17.039
<v Speaker 1>I was in this bubble. I was just like I

823
00:46:17.119 --> 00:46:20.079
<v Speaker 1>was still dreaming of, you know, being this big, working actor.

824
00:46:20.360 --> 00:46:23.119
<v Speaker 1>You know, they were fairy tales at that point. I

825
00:46:23.199 --> 00:46:26.039
<v Speaker 1>never actually thought it'd be where I am today. But

826
00:46:26.519 --> 00:46:32.159
<v Speaker 1>they drove me. But I was still so it wasn't

827
00:46:32.199 --> 00:46:34.679
<v Speaker 1>like I ruined my life and now I'm building back up.

828
00:46:34.719 --> 00:46:37.079
<v Speaker 1>I never had a life period. It just didn't feel

829
00:46:37.079 --> 00:46:39.599
<v Speaker 1>like that. So the rules, the tools for living my

830
00:46:39.679 --> 00:46:43.119
<v Speaker 1>specific lite, I just I was building from the ground up,

831
00:46:43.199 --> 00:46:47.920
<v Speaker 1>from the ground up period. And so it wasn't until

832
00:46:48.119 --> 00:46:51.639
<v Speaker 1>that counselor who saw, you know, he believed in me,

833
00:46:51.719 --> 00:46:54.079
<v Speaker 1>he saw something in me, and he really pushed me.

834
00:46:54.119 --> 00:46:57.239
<v Speaker 1>He's like, listen, you can't you can't just sit here.

835
00:46:57.280 --> 00:46:59.199
<v Speaker 1>You gotta go. You gotta go out there and you

836
00:46:59.239 --> 00:47:01.280
<v Speaker 1>got to live your life. You say you want to

837
00:47:01.280 --> 00:47:03.199
<v Speaker 1>do the acting, you need to go like he just

838
00:47:03.280 --> 00:47:06.159
<v Speaker 1>he basically shoved me into reality, and I'm gratefully did

839
00:47:06.239 --> 00:47:09.559
<v Speaker 1>because Los Angeles has some of the best recovery in

840
00:47:11.360 --> 00:47:13.559
<v Speaker 1>the country, in the world, and you know, since the pandemic,

841
00:47:13.599 --> 00:47:16.000
<v Speaker 1>now everything's on zoom and stuff, so people are experiencing

842
00:47:16.000 --> 00:47:19.679
<v Speaker 1>the recovery here. It was that. And then I had

843
00:47:19.719 --> 00:47:22.440
<v Speaker 1>another incident where, while you know, my first year in

844
00:47:22.639 --> 00:47:25.320
<v Speaker 1>LA I was at a meeting and I was deeply

845
00:47:25.360 --> 00:47:29.119
<v Speaker 1>moved because there was this very big bear of a

846
00:47:29.159 --> 00:47:31.920
<v Speaker 1>man who was the lead share at a twelve set meeting,

847
00:47:31.920 --> 00:47:35.559
<v Speaker 1>and he was sobbing, sobbing in gratitude because he was

848
00:47:35.599 --> 00:47:38.320
<v Speaker 1>so grateful that he was sober that he could adopt

849
00:47:38.360 --> 00:47:41.440
<v Speaker 1>his sister's children. And he was so grateful that he

850
00:47:41.480 --> 00:47:43.880
<v Speaker 1>was sober that he could adopt his sister's children because

851
00:47:43.960 --> 00:47:46.840
<v Speaker 1>she was still an addict and was selling her four

852
00:47:46.880 --> 00:47:51.679
<v Speaker 1>and six year old for money, fucking devastating, and so

853
00:47:51.880 --> 00:47:55.000
<v Speaker 1>he was available because he was sober to adopt them,

854
00:47:55.039 --> 00:47:57.400
<v Speaker 1>and he was sobbing. And that was the other That

855
00:47:57.559 --> 00:48:01.880
<v Speaker 1>was the moment of I guess one was shoving me

856
00:48:01.920 --> 00:48:06.119
<v Speaker 1>into reality. This was understanding my place in reality, like, oh,

857
00:48:06.679 --> 00:48:09.480
<v Speaker 1>there is a higher purpose for me getting sober. This

858
00:48:09.519 --> 00:48:12.480
<v Speaker 1>is not about me anymore. This is this. I mean,

859
00:48:12.480 --> 00:48:15.000
<v Speaker 1>that man just changed my life just by him expressing that,

860
00:48:15.000 --> 00:48:17.360
<v Speaker 1>because I was like, oh, there's there's other reasons for

861
00:48:17.440 --> 00:48:19.559
<v Speaker 1>me being sober other than me just getting sober.

862
00:48:20.920 --> 00:48:24.400
<v Speaker 2>It kind of like broke a glass case and let

863
00:48:24.440 --> 00:48:25.199
<v Speaker 2>you out, you know.

864
00:48:25.800 --> 00:48:28.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right.

865
00:48:28.599 --> 00:48:35.320
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Wow. So there's so many questions I could ask you.

866
00:48:36.679 --> 00:48:43.880
<v Speaker 2>I just feel like you've shared this really huge, intense story.

867
00:48:45.159 --> 00:48:47.880
<v Speaker 1>You were you riveted and captivated.

868
00:48:47.320 --> 00:48:49.239
<v Speaker 2>And yeah, it was like I was like, wow, I

869
00:48:49.239 --> 00:48:54.360
<v Speaker 2>can't wait till he sends me the book. Yeah. Yeah,

870
00:48:54.360 --> 00:48:55.880
<v Speaker 2>because I'm going to read it for sure and be

871
00:48:55.960 --> 00:49:00.760
<v Speaker 2>like what the hell. But you know, okay, so this

872
00:49:00.920 --> 00:49:04.960
<v Speaker 2>is the inspiring segment of this podcast. I get okay

873
00:49:05.159 --> 00:49:08.480
<v Speaker 2>because it's like, okay, see, your your shit out of luck,

874
00:49:09.599 --> 00:49:13.239
<v Speaker 2>you have nothing to scratch your ass with, and you're like,

875
00:49:13.320 --> 00:49:17.679
<v Speaker 2>I've got to become an actor real fast, and I

876
00:49:17.719 --> 00:49:20.440
<v Speaker 2>got to succeed at it when the odds are like

877
00:49:21.159 --> 00:49:25.719
<v Speaker 2>ninety nine percent failure for everyone. You know, how did

878
00:49:25.760 --> 00:49:29.480
<v Speaker 2>you do that? I mean, obviously you're lucky. Obviously somebody

879
00:49:29.559 --> 00:49:39.360
<v Speaker 2>smiling on you. Well, you know, the.

880
00:49:39.360 --> 00:49:42.880
<v Speaker 1>First five years that I landed in La. It was

881
00:49:43.000 --> 00:49:45.440
<v Speaker 1>it was two meetings a day. It was just it

882
00:49:45.559 --> 00:49:48.159
<v Speaker 1>was just about putting one foot in front of the other,

883
00:49:48.760 --> 00:49:53.039
<v Speaker 1>like I said, not just rebuilding, but building, Like who

884
00:49:53.039 --> 00:49:55.440
<v Speaker 1>am I? What am I doing doing all the therapeutic

885
00:49:55.480 --> 00:49:57.280
<v Speaker 1>work like all that kind of like it was just

886
00:49:57.320 --> 00:49:59.960
<v Speaker 1>like what is happening? Yes, I was taking acting class?

887
00:50:00.159 --> 00:50:10.519
<v Speaker 1>Is I? I do believe in acting. In booking acting work especially,

888
00:50:11.400 --> 00:50:16.079
<v Speaker 1>there is a large you would you call it luck.

889
00:50:16.360 --> 00:50:22.280
<v Speaker 1>But I also believe that, like you know, my previous

890
00:50:22.320 --> 00:50:24.960
<v Speaker 1>story that I shared had a purpose, So then my

891
00:50:25.079 --> 00:50:27.280
<v Speaker 1>acting story, if you will, is also going to have

892
00:50:27.320 --> 00:50:33.239
<v Speaker 1>a purpose. And so there's reasons unbeknown to me. Why.

893
00:50:33.639 --> 00:50:38.559
<v Speaker 1>You know, ten years ago, I was just booking work

894
00:50:39.480 --> 00:50:41.000
<v Speaker 1>like right after the other, and I was like, this

895
00:50:41.119 --> 00:50:45.480
<v Speaker 1>is easy. Look, anybody can be an actor. And all

896
00:50:45.519 --> 00:50:47.400
<v Speaker 1>I had to do was show up to the audition

897
00:50:47.639 --> 00:50:52.280
<v Speaker 1>and do the deliver. And then there you go. It's

898
00:50:52.280 --> 00:50:55.119
<v Speaker 1>on me to think, oh, I'm special because I'm booking work. No,

899
00:50:55.280 --> 00:50:58.239
<v Speaker 1>it's it's that's no, You're just right for the part,

900
00:50:58.440 --> 00:51:03.679
<v Speaker 1>and that's what happens. But then years where there's a

901
00:51:03.719 --> 00:51:06.599
<v Speaker 1>shift in the industry and I'm not booking work. I'm

902
00:51:06.599 --> 00:51:09.519
<v Speaker 1>not on top of the world. I'm not feeling wanted.

903
00:51:09.559 --> 00:51:11.599
<v Speaker 1>I'm dealing with all those feelings I had previously that

904
00:51:11.599 --> 00:51:13.320
<v Speaker 1>I would normally turn to myth, but now I get

905
00:51:13.320 --> 00:51:15.719
<v Speaker 1>to process them in this way and stuff all the

906
00:51:15.719 --> 00:51:18.639
<v Speaker 1>way to like, you know, more recently, it's all turning

907
00:51:18.679 --> 00:51:20.880
<v Speaker 1>around again. It's like, Oh, here's all this acting work.

908
00:51:20.960 --> 00:51:25.559
<v Speaker 1>Let's just keep going and stuff like that. The thing

909
00:51:25.599 --> 00:51:28.239
<v Speaker 1>that I would say how it turned around, the thing

910
00:51:28.280 --> 00:51:33.400
<v Speaker 1>that I would say if it helps anybody else, there

911
00:51:34.079 --> 00:51:39.599
<v Speaker 1>is inside of me, especially for my heart. I think

912
00:51:39.679 --> 00:51:43.679
<v Speaker 1>in my heart that me as an artist in general,

913
00:51:43.880 --> 00:51:47.719
<v Speaker 1>is my to use the title my authentic path. And

914
00:51:48.119 --> 00:51:50.039
<v Speaker 1>the reason I feel that is because it's very clear

915
00:51:50.079 --> 00:51:52.039
<v Speaker 1>when my heart is singing about something, when my heart

916
00:51:52.079 --> 00:51:54.880
<v Speaker 1>is into something, when my heart feels the most joy

917
00:51:54.920 --> 00:51:57.519
<v Speaker 1>about something, that is a sign post that is a

918
00:51:57.599 --> 00:52:00.159
<v Speaker 1>oh I need to move in this direction. And it's

919
00:52:00.320 --> 00:52:02.000
<v Speaker 1>because I really enjoy this. I have a lot of

920
00:52:02.000 --> 00:52:05.119
<v Speaker 1>fun doing this. What that looks like? This guy loves

921
00:52:05.119 --> 00:52:06.920
<v Speaker 1>to figure out what that looks like, and he's always

922
00:52:06.960 --> 00:52:08.760
<v Speaker 1>upset because it never looks like what he wants it

923
00:52:08.760 --> 00:52:10.719
<v Speaker 1>to look like. That's not my job, and that's what

924
00:52:10.719 --> 00:52:12.639
<v Speaker 1>I've come to learn is not my job through the

925
00:52:12.679 --> 00:52:14.480
<v Speaker 1>years taking me a long time to get there. My

926
00:52:14.559 --> 00:52:16.960
<v Speaker 1>job is to listen to this and follow forward with that.

927
00:52:18.519 --> 00:52:20.559
<v Speaker 1>So the results of that, like, you know, how did

928
00:52:20.559 --> 00:52:22.079
<v Speaker 1>I book so much work at the beginning? How my

929
00:52:22.119 --> 00:52:26.440
<v Speaker 1>booking work all? Again? You could say it's because I

930
00:52:26.480 --> 00:52:28.960
<v Speaker 1>listened to this and I just kept moving forward. Yes,

931
00:52:29.840 --> 00:52:32.079
<v Speaker 1>did I do anything special to book all that other stuff? No?

932
00:52:33.800 --> 00:52:38.280
<v Speaker 1>So that the luck part is more like what's right

933
00:52:38.360 --> 00:52:43.039
<v Speaker 1>for me at that time based upon higher whatever. I mean,

934
00:52:43.039 --> 00:52:45.039
<v Speaker 1>if somebody wants to go deeply spiritual with it, it's

935
00:52:45.079 --> 00:52:48.880
<v Speaker 1>like whatever is God's will or God's path. Not rolling

936
00:52:48.920 --> 00:52:51.480
<v Speaker 1>my eyes at that, I'm just saying like, whatever language

937
00:52:51.880 --> 00:52:56.000
<v Speaker 1>somebody wants to put in that, I mean. Then that,

938
00:52:56.320 --> 00:52:58.159
<v Speaker 1>you know, brings in the argument of how much control

939
00:52:58.199 --> 00:53:00.599
<v Speaker 1>do you think we actually really have? What does that

940
00:53:00.639 --> 00:53:01.000
<v Speaker 1>look like?

941
00:53:01.519 --> 00:53:04.119
<v Speaker 2>You know, I get what you mean. People are always like, oh,

942
00:53:04.119 --> 00:53:07.239
<v Speaker 2>it's the universe, or it's God put me on this

943
00:53:07.320 --> 00:53:11.119
<v Speaker 2>path or whatever. But as a person, I consider myself

944
00:53:11.440 --> 00:53:13.639
<v Speaker 2>to have a very deep spiritual site. But I also

945
00:53:13.880 --> 00:53:16.599
<v Speaker 2>am very realistic and I think it's all about just

946
00:53:16.599 --> 00:53:18.679
<v Speaker 2>hard work. It's all about your mindset. Are you going

947
00:53:18.760 --> 00:53:21.199
<v Speaker 2>to keep trying until something happens. Are you going to

948
00:53:21.239 --> 00:53:23.159
<v Speaker 2>get out there and make it happen for yourself? Because

949
00:53:23.519 --> 00:53:26.880
<v Speaker 2>nobody's really going to put stuff on your plate, you know, correct?

950
00:53:26.920 --> 00:53:30.920
<v Speaker 1>I mean even I always used the measure of I

951
00:53:31.000 --> 00:53:33.400
<v Speaker 1>always do use the measure of what's happening in my heart.

952
00:53:33.440 --> 00:53:35.079
<v Speaker 1>And what I mean by that is like every year.

953
00:53:35.599 --> 00:53:38.039
<v Speaker 1>You know this, I don't need to tell you or

954
00:53:38.079 --> 00:53:41.679
<v Speaker 1>anybody listening to that there's a ton of rejection in

955
00:53:41.880 --> 00:53:44.960
<v Speaker 1>my industry. You know a lot of people, if they're

956
00:53:45.039 --> 00:53:47.639
<v Speaker 1>lucky in their life, that are not in Hollywood, go

957
00:53:47.719 --> 00:53:52.119
<v Speaker 1>on five, maybe ten at the most job interviews in

958
00:53:52.159 --> 00:53:56.039
<v Speaker 1>their entire life. There's been months where I do ten

959
00:53:56.480 --> 00:53:58.400
<v Speaker 1>in two months, ten in a month. You know, those

960
00:53:58.440 --> 00:54:00.880
<v Speaker 1>are job interviews, Like I have to put everything into

961
00:54:00.920 --> 00:54:02.679
<v Speaker 1>that to show up to try to get hired, and

962
00:54:02.719 --> 00:54:05.360
<v Speaker 1>then they don't even It's worse, they don't even tell me.

963
00:54:05.400 --> 00:54:07.239
<v Speaker 1>I don't get it. They just ghost you, you know.

964
00:54:07.400 --> 00:54:09.760
<v Speaker 1>So it's like whatever you can do to like move

965
00:54:10.320 --> 00:54:13.679
<v Speaker 1>through that, you know what I mean?

966
00:54:14.360 --> 00:54:16.280
<v Speaker 2>I know exactly what you mean, especially when you said

967
00:54:16.320 --> 00:54:19.440
<v Speaker 2>they just ghost you. I came from a background.

968
00:54:19.559 --> 00:54:20.280
<v Speaker 1>I was in music.

969
00:54:20.599 --> 00:54:23.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I wasn't an informant, but I had a background

970
00:54:23.920 --> 00:54:26.960
<v Speaker 2>where heavy drug use was involved in It shaped my

971
00:54:28.119 --> 00:54:31.039
<v Speaker 2>life for a long time until I was maybe about

972
00:54:31.119 --> 00:54:34.599
<v Speaker 2>twenty five, and I ended up in a lot of

973
00:54:34.679 --> 00:54:38.639
<v Speaker 2>rooms through sheer hard work with a lot of my heroes.

974
00:54:40.119 --> 00:54:42.239
<v Speaker 2>And I met my heroes and I realized that they

975
00:54:42.239 --> 00:54:45.280
<v Speaker 2>weren't the people I thought they were. And I realized

976
00:54:45.320 --> 00:54:49.480
<v Speaker 2>how much politics and you know, auditioning for certain bands

977
00:54:49.480 --> 00:54:53.639
<v Speaker 2>and stuff, and it wasn't even like yeah, it wasn't

978
00:54:53.679 --> 00:54:57.320
<v Speaker 2>even like okay, So, like you've probably experienced this. You

979
00:54:57.360 --> 00:55:01.639
<v Speaker 2>can be the most technically efficient and qualified guy for

980
00:55:02.119 --> 00:55:04.840
<v Speaker 2>the job, but they pick somebody else because they just

981
00:55:04.880 --> 00:55:07.960
<v Speaker 2>look the part, or they've got connections or something like that.

982
00:55:08.079 --> 00:55:11.239
<v Speaker 2>So there's a lot of really talented people out there

983
00:55:11.280 --> 00:55:14.400
<v Speaker 2>who end up not being seen or heard because of

984
00:55:14.679 --> 00:55:18.280
<v Speaker 2>politics or favoritism and things like that. Or you know,

985
00:55:18.480 --> 00:55:21.679
<v Speaker 2>even in strange cases, maybe you're just not like into

986
00:55:21.719 --> 00:55:24.800
<v Speaker 2>witchcraft or something, or it's something spooky. There's a lot

987
00:55:24.800 --> 00:55:26.920
<v Speaker 2>of shady stuff that I've seen. I've seen a full

988
00:55:26.960 --> 00:55:30.599
<v Speaker 2>spectrum of things, and people think that you're like I

989
00:55:30.840 --> 00:55:33.199
<v Speaker 2>want to be conspiracy theorists, or you're making it up

990
00:55:33.320 --> 00:55:35.679
<v Speaker 2>or something. But he there's a whole big white world

991
00:55:35.679 --> 00:55:37.400
<v Speaker 2>out there with so many different options, and you have

992
00:55:37.480 --> 00:55:40.800
<v Speaker 2>no idea what you're gonna run into. And I learned that,

993
00:55:40.880 --> 00:55:44.320
<v Speaker 2>and I also realized that the music industry can be

994
00:55:44.360 --> 00:55:50.440
<v Speaker 2>a very dark place. And like you, I listened to

995
00:55:50.440 --> 00:55:53.280
<v Speaker 2>what was in my heart, and I stopped trying to

996
00:55:53.320 --> 00:55:57.639
<v Speaker 2>be that guy, the super successful, famous guy. I'd seen enough.

997
00:55:58.360 --> 00:56:01.800
<v Speaker 2>I'd ate enough dinners with enough A and rs, and

998
00:56:02.000 --> 00:56:07.400
<v Speaker 2>it had way too many overtly sexual propositions, and just

999
00:56:07.599 --> 00:56:09.599
<v Speaker 2>been asked to do too many things that wasn't me,

1000
00:56:09.679 --> 00:56:12.280
<v Speaker 2>that I just wasn't prepared to do. And then I

1001
00:56:12.360 --> 00:56:15.320
<v Speaker 2>just started to follow my heart elsewhere, and I realized

1002
00:56:15.360 --> 00:56:17.639
<v Speaker 2>that I still have a purpose for it. So I

1003
00:56:17.679 --> 00:56:22.480
<v Speaker 2>took it to just doing regular stuff, doing regular bar gigs,

1004
00:56:22.880 --> 00:56:27.880
<v Speaker 2>do charity events. You know, you do pediatric cancer gigs.

1005
00:56:27.880 --> 00:56:29.239
<v Speaker 2>You get to hold a little kid and sitting to

1006
00:56:29.280 --> 00:56:31.360
<v Speaker 2>a little kid, and that's fulfilling. And that was actually

1007
00:56:31.360 --> 00:56:34.440
<v Speaker 2>way better than trying to play for thousands of people

1008
00:56:35.239 --> 00:56:39.320
<v Speaker 2>and get a record deal, you know, so, and it

1009
00:56:39.400 --> 00:56:43.039
<v Speaker 2>was definitely beatsitting down in a studio somewhere being a

1010
00:56:43.119 --> 00:56:47.239
<v Speaker 2>hired gun that actually just sucks. You never know when

1011
00:56:47.239 --> 00:56:48.079
<v Speaker 2>you're gonna get paid.

1012
00:56:48.159 --> 00:56:48.239
<v Speaker 3>Me.

1013
00:56:48.519 --> 00:56:50.679
<v Speaker 2>You know, you never know who you're going to touch,

1014
00:56:51.480 --> 00:56:55.880
<v Speaker 2>so it's a guessing game. And the only thing that

1015
00:56:55.920 --> 00:57:01.039
<v Speaker 2>got me there was following my intuition, my passion for it,

1016
00:57:01.679 --> 00:57:10.480
<v Speaker 2>and realizing that a million people could play guitar as

1017
00:57:10.519 --> 00:57:13.880
<v Speaker 2>well as I did and not care about the people

1018
00:57:14.000 --> 00:57:18.559
<v Speaker 2>on the receiving end as much as I did, and

1019
00:57:19.800 --> 00:57:23.400
<v Speaker 2>they might succeed for one reason or another. But I

1020
00:57:23.440 --> 00:57:26.960
<v Speaker 2>felt like I was going to succeed because I felt

1021
00:57:26.960 --> 00:57:30.039
<v Speaker 2>like I was doing what was morally right, Like I

1022
00:57:30.039 --> 00:57:32.119
<v Speaker 2>felt like I was doing what was right for other

1023
00:57:32.159 --> 00:57:35.400
<v Speaker 2>people and not just myself. Even in my darkest times,

1024
00:57:35.639 --> 00:57:38.760
<v Speaker 2>that was my only guiding light, so to speak. So

1025
00:57:40.800 --> 00:57:44.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm saying that because I mean, you're a successful artist,

1026
00:57:44.639 --> 00:57:47.800
<v Speaker 2>you're a good actor. I've only seen the clips because

1027
00:57:47.840 --> 00:57:50.880
<v Speaker 2>everybody that listens to this podcast knows I don't watch TV,

1028
00:57:51.639 --> 00:57:57.199
<v Speaker 2>but I understand the magnitude. Criminal Minds has been around

1029
00:57:57.239 --> 00:57:59.800
<v Speaker 2>for a long time. Yeah, you know, it's a big

1030
00:57:59.840 --> 00:58:01.880
<v Speaker 2>deal to be on that the CW. It's a big

1031
00:58:01.920 --> 00:58:08.320
<v Speaker 2>deal to succeed like that, So it takes a lot

1032
00:58:08.320 --> 00:58:11.679
<v Speaker 2>of heart and thank you. I just wanted to, you know,

1033
00:58:11.719 --> 00:58:13.480
<v Speaker 2>commend you for going through all of that and coming

1034
00:58:13.480 --> 00:58:18.079
<v Speaker 2>out on the other side, and maybe you went through

1035
00:58:18.119 --> 00:58:21.559
<v Speaker 2>all that crap and you know whatever they want to

1036
00:58:21.599 --> 00:58:25.639
<v Speaker 2>call it, Baby Jesus or whoever is giving you this

1037
00:58:25.679 --> 00:58:29.039
<v Speaker 2>opportunity to be in front of all of these faces

1038
00:58:29.840 --> 00:58:33.639
<v Speaker 2>so that you can share your message, share your story.

1039
00:58:34.280 --> 00:58:39.960
<v Speaker 2>It'll change people, because it's like, yeah, it's like a

1040
00:58:40.039 --> 00:58:45.639
<v Speaker 2>once in a lifetime chance to just do the stuff

1041
00:58:45.639 --> 00:58:48.280
<v Speaker 2>that you've done and then live to talk about it,

1042
00:58:48.320 --> 00:58:51.280
<v Speaker 2>first of all, but then also be put in front

1043
00:58:51.320 --> 00:58:53.559
<v Speaker 2>of so many different faces to get interest in you,

1044
00:58:53.639 --> 00:58:59.039
<v Speaker 2>in you as a person, and share real helpful stuff

1045
00:58:59.039 --> 00:59:00.920
<v Speaker 2>with people, because there's a lot of empty vessels out

1046
00:59:00.920 --> 00:59:04.840
<v Speaker 2>there on TV that you know, you see them and

1047
00:59:04.880 --> 00:59:06.679
<v Speaker 2>you're like, yeah, this person has nothing to offer me

1048
00:59:06.719 --> 00:59:07.800
<v Speaker 2>as an actual person.

1049
00:59:08.800 --> 00:59:13.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you for saying. I have a

1050
00:59:13.039 --> 00:59:15.280
<v Speaker 1>lot of gratitude for what you just said. Was that's

1051
00:59:15.599 --> 00:59:18.599
<v Speaker 1>thank you. That's very nice. Yeah, thank You're welcome in

1052
00:59:18.639 --> 00:59:23.360
<v Speaker 1>that way. You're adding purpose to my sobriety in my life,

1053
00:59:23.719 --> 00:59:27.679
<v Speaker 1>and I I really I appreciate that.

1054
00:59:28.239 --> 00:59:29.920
<v Speaker 2>Right. Well, that's what this show is all about. It's

1055
00:59:29.960 --> 00:59:36.840
<v Speaker 2>about bringing really interesting and as authentic as possible information

1056
00:59:36.920 --> 00:59:40.519
<v Speaker 2>to people so that they can do what they want

1057
00:59:40.559 --> 00:59:44.119
<v Speaker 2>with it, hopefully move on an arc that will change

1058
00:59:44.159 --> 00:59:48.760
<v Speaker 2>their lives. And I would definitely say you're doing that.

1059
00:59:49.679 --> 00:59:52.280
<v Speaker 2>Thank god Surge didn't get you.

1060
00:59:54.440 --> 00:59:57.159
<v Speaker 1>I yeah, you know, and who knows where he is.

1061
00:59:57.239 --> 00:59:59.320
<v Speaker 1>I have no way of contacting him, but you know,

1062
01:00:01.000 --> 01:00:03.519
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. I mean, I would have almost considered

1063
01:00:03.559 --> 01:00:11.519
<v Speaker 1>him a friend except I couldn't. But I I definitely

1064
01:00:11.920 --> 01:00:17.239
<v Speaker 1>believe in the you know, don't worry, be happy, but

1065
01:00:17.400 --> 01:00:21.199
<v Speaker 1>do your best. And when my heart is in something,

1066
01:00:21.280 --> 01:00:23.800
<v Speaker 1>I do my best. And that if I can't do

1067
01:00:23.880 --> 01:00:25.559
<v Speaker 1>my best in something, my heart isn't in it. And

1068
01:00:25.639 --> 01:00:28.320
<v Speaker 1>that kind of tells me the direction that I'm heading

1069
01:00:28.320 --> 01:00:30.280
<v Speaker 1>in now. I've had to support my dreams through the years.

1070
01:00:30.280 --> 01:00:33.679
<v Speaker 1>You know, I was a table server for years, way

1071
01:00:33.719 --> 01:00:35.760
<v Speaker 1>back in the day, you know. So it's like, sometimes

1072
01:00:35.800 --> 01:00:37.480
<v Speaker 1>I don't want to do that, but if I'm supporting

1073
01:00:37.480 --> 01:00:39.280
<v Speaker 1>the bigger thing where my heart is, then yes, I

1074
01:00:39.320 --> 01:00:41.239
<v Speaker 1>will do that. And I'm just saying that, you know,

1075
01:00:41.320 --> 01:00:44.039
<v Speaker 1>as a side note. You know, it wasn't It's not.

1076
01:00:45.280 --> 01:00:47.480
<v Speaker 1>This hasn't been easy. None of nothing in my life

1077
01:00:47.519 --> 01:00:51.079
<v Speaker 1>has been easy. In fact, again, I really appreciate what

1078
01:00:51.119 --> 01:00:57.079
<v Speaker 1>you just said. It really warms my heart because honestly,

1079
01:00:57.280 --> 01:01:00.400
<v Speaker 1>now is when I feel like my life is really beginning.

1080
01:01:01.599 --> 01:01:04.599
<v Speaker 2>Now. I get what you're saying. I get what you're saying, man,

1081
01:01:04.679 --> 01:01:08.079
<v Speaker 2>because I know what it's like to give a guitar

1082
01:01:08.199 --> 01:01:11.159
<v Speaker 2>lesson for like twenty five dollars or whatever, and then

1083
01:01:11.199 --> 01:01:13.679
<v Speaker 2>you gotta buy a loaf of bread and get to

1084
01:01:13.880 --> 01:01:18.039
<v Speaker 2>your audition with that money, exactly. Yeah, and then you're

1085
01:01:18.079 --> 01:01:20.159
<v Speaker 2>walking down the highway thumbing it because you got to

1086
01:01:20.159 --> 01:01:22.360
<v Speaker 2>get home. You know, Like, I know exactly what that's like.

1087
01:01:22.440 --> 01:01:26.280
<v Speaker 2>And it's about the willingness to have that experience and

1088
01:01:26.280 --> 01:01:29.320
<v Speaker 2>not be like this is a punishment somehow because I

1089
01:01:29.360 --> 01:01:32.280
<v Speaker 2>have to work hard for something. It's not a punishment.

1090
01:01:32.760 --> 01:01:32.800
<v Speaker 3>No.

1091
01:01:33.079 --> 01:01:35.559
<v Speaker 1>If you're again, if your heart is still in it,

1092
01:01:35.639 --> 01:01:37.480
<v Speaker 1>then that is the sign to keep going.

1093
01:01:38.159 --> 01:01:42.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. Absolutely, yeah. And I mean like in my case,

1094
01:01:42.480 --> 01:01:45.159
<v Speaker 2>I I came out on the other side of addiction

1095
01:01:45.800 --> 01:01:50.199
<v Speaker 2>much easier than the average person. Sounds like I was

1096
01:01:50.320 --> 01:01:54.360
<v Speaker 2>just like, fuck this, this is stupid. Why am I

1097
01:01:54.400 --> 01:02:00.400
<v Speaker 2>being this stupid? And it was not a show. And

1098
01:02:02.440 --> 01:02:05.599
<v Speaker 2>I was getting really into psychology and wanting to go

1099
01:02:05.639 --> 01:02:07.519
<v Speaker 2>back to school to study it because I did it

1100
01:02:07.559 --> 01:02:13.239
<v Speaker 2>in university and stuff. But long story short, my psychology

1101
01:02:13.239 --> 01:02:16.480
<v Speaker 2>professor was a pedophile and he was sleeping with one

1102
01:02:16.480 --> 01:02:18.079
<v Speaker 2>of the young girls in the class or something. He

1103
01:02:18.119 --> 01:02:21.719
<v Speaker 2>got kicked out and they never hired a replacement teacher.

1104
01:02:21.760 --> 01:02:23.440
<v Speaker 2>So we all just kind of ran around like crazy

1105
01:02:23.480 --> 01:02:28.320
<v Speaker 2>people for the rest of the semester. Wow wow, and

1106
01:02:28.480 --> 01:02:30.920
<v Speaker 2>just trying to wring our exams and whatnot. And I was like, yeah,

1107
01:02:30.960 --> 01:02:33.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm I'm a I'm going to do the music thing.

1108
01:02:33.719 --> 01:02:38.199
<v Speaker 2>This is crazy. So wow, you know, something came back

1109
01:02:38.239 --> 01:02:39.880
<v Speaker 2>around for me and I was like, I'm gonna take

1110
01:02:39.880 --> 01:02:43.280
<v Speaker 2>this opportunity because this feels now like the right direction

1111
01:02:43.400 --> 01:02:47.880
<v Speaker 2>to going and maybe I can touch some people. And

1112
01:02:48.599 --> 01:02:52.920
<v Speaker 2>you know, here we are touching people, not inappropriately but

1113
01:02:53.679 --> 01:03:00.599
<v Speaker 2>not inappropriated. So I guess I don't know when I'll

1114
01:03:00.599 --> 01:03:01.960
<v Speaker 2>get to talk to you again. So I have to

1115
01:03:02.000 --> 01:03:10.440
<v Speaker 2>ask you, what was it like just getting on a

1116
01:03:10.480 --> 01:03:15.800
<v Speaker 2>popular role like and stuff like that. What was it

1117
01:03:15.880 --> 01:03:17.760
<v Speaker 2>like when that really hit home for you?

1118
01:03:22.679 --> 01:03:25.719
<v Speaker 1>I mean, I don't know how many of your my

1119
01:03:25.840 --> 01:03:28.760
<v Speaker 1>generation do you close enough to my age? I mean,

1120
01:03:29.400 --> 01:03:32.159
<v Speaker 1>we all know who Angela Bassett is. I mean absolutely

1121
01:03:32.760 --> 01:03:36.280
<v Speaker 1>this younger generations obviously know from you know, Wakanda Forever,

1122
01:03:36.360 --> 01:03:40.760
<v Speaker 1>but its Angela Bassett. I mean, fucking in the nineties,

1123
01:03:40.760 --> 01:03:45.920
<v Speaker 1>it was like Angela Bassett. So that particular experience was

1124
01:03:47.199 --> 01:03:49.960
<v Speaker 1>that was a trip because it was originally supposed to

1125
01:03:50.000 --> 01:03:52.320
<v Speaker 1>be one episode, but they liked what was happening so

1126
01:03:52.440 --> 01:03:55.719
<v Speaker 1>much that they turned it into that three episodes, and

1127
01:03:55.719 --> 01:03:58.599
<v Speaker 1>then they turned it into this whole arc and this

1128
01:03:58.639 --> 01:04:02.159
<v Speaker 1>whole villain arc. And when I first got the role,

1129
01:04:03.519 --> 01:04:08.400
<v Speaker 1>realizing that all my scenes were opposite her, there was

1130
01:04:08.559 --> 01:04:11.079
<v Speaker 1>one Okay, I was split in two one half scared

1131
01:04:11.119 --> 01:04:12.519
<v Speaker 1>the shit out of me.

1132
01:04:12.840 --> 01:04:14.440
<v Speaker 2>I was about to say, she looks like a pretty

1133
01:04:14.440 --> 01:04:15.159
<v Speaker 2>intense person.

1134
01:04:15.320 --> 01:04:19.480
<v Speaker 1>Scared. I was just like, this is like, I mean,

1135
01:04:19.480 --> 01:04:21.960
<v Speaker 1>there's so much money. This is you know, primetime network shows.

1136
01:04:22.000 --> 01:04:24.840
<v Speaker 1>There's a ton of ton of money. I mean, just

1137
01:04:24.880 --> 01:04:27.760
<v Speaker 1>as an example, there was one scene where it was

1138
01:04:27.840 --> 01:04:30.280
<v Speaker 1>like ten fire and they had to make a mock

1139
01:04:30.400 --> 01:04:34.760
<v Speaker 1>highway scenes. There's like ten fire engines, ten ambulances, one

1140
01:04:34.840 --> 01:04:37.320
<v Speaker 1>hundred extras, two hundred crew. I mean, it was like

1141
01:04:37.360 --> 01:04:40.920
<v Speaker 1>an epic movie set and here here's me pulling up

1142
01:04:40.920 --> 01:04:43.400
<v Speaker 1>and the camera's following me navigating through all of that,

1143
01:04:43.480 --> 01:04:45.519
<v Speaker 1>and I'm not a series regular, So I'm not used

1144
01:04:45.559 --> 01:04:47.320
<v Speaker 1>to like this high pressure of this whole thing, and

1145
01:04:47.320 --> 01:04:49.559
<v Speaker 1>I'm just thinking the whole time, you know, be menacing,

1146
01:04:49.599 --> 01:04:52.079
<v Speaker 1>don't fuck up. But like, I mean, just like that anyway.

1147
01:04:52.119 --> 01:04:54.719
<v Speaker 1>So half of me was like scared shitlessen out of

1148
01:04:54.719 --> 01:04:56.760
<v Speaker 1>my mind. The other half of me was like like

1149
01:04:56.920 --> 01:04:59.559
<v Speaker 1>holding on to like, oh my god, I get to

1150
01:04:59.599 --> 01:05:02.000
<v Speaker 1>go to to toe the Angela Bassett, like this is like,

1151
01:05:02.119 --> 01:05:04.039
<v Speaker 1>this is the dream, this is what it's about. Let's

1152
01:05:04.079 --> 01:05:06.719
<v Speaker 1>get in there, let's play, and you know, and when

1153
01:05:06.760 --> 01:05:09.320
<v Speaker 1>I met her, she was just as delightful as I

1154
01:05:09.480 --> 01:05:11.760
<v Speaker 1>hoped she would be. And it was all about the work,

1155
01:05:11.760 --> 01:05:13.159
<v Speaker 1>and it was like, let's get in there, let's do

1156
01:05:13.199 --> 01:05:14.559
<v Speaker 1>the work. I mean, she's the leader of the show,

1157
01:05:14.599 --> 01:05:16.599
<v Speaker 1>so like she was on to the next thing. She

1158
01:05:16.679 --> 01:05:19.920
<v Speaker 1>had so much to work on. But I would say

1159
01:05:21.719 --> 01:05:24.039
<v Speaker 1>my goal walking into it knowing that I was going

1160
01:05:24.119 --> 01:05:30.000
<v Speaker 1>to just have to be more focused and more you know,

1161
01:05:30.079 --> 01:05:34.400
<v Speaker 1>more centered than probably I'd ever been in any acting role,

1162
01:05:34.519 --> 01:05:37.559
<v Speaker 1>just to you know, do my job. That I knew

1163
01:05:37.639 --> 01:05:40.920
<v Speaker 1>a lot of it was going to be. I don't

1164
01:05:40.920 --> 01:05:42.719
<v Speaker 1>want to say it was gonna suck. I don't want

1165
01:05:42.719 --> 01:05:44.440
<v Speaker 1>to say that, but you know, I'm not going to

1166
01:05:44.679 --> 01:05:46.840
<v Speaker 1>hide the fact that, like, you know, you're scared shitless

1167
01:05:46.880 --> 01:05:51.079
<v Speaker 1>the whole time. But my goal was to find is

1168
01:05:51.119 --> 01:05:55.079
<v Speaker 1>to find some joy in there, some some fun. So fine,

1169
01:05:55.119 --> 01:05:57.480
<v Speaker 1>some fine, some fun in there, and then you know,

1170
01:05:57.519 --> 01:05:59.679
<v Speaker 1>after getting a few takes out proving that you can

1171
01:05:59.719 --> 01:06:01.880
<v Speaker 1>do the job and stuff, then the fun started coming

1172
01:06:01.920 --> 01:06:03.960
<v Speaker 1>in and so it was like I felt very successful.

1173
01:06:04.159 --> 01:06:07.800
<v Speaker 1>So I enjoyed. I enjoy the memories of that experience

1174
01:06:07.880 --> 01:06:12.119
<v Speaker 1>more than the actual because it's a really it's very

1175
01:06:12.159 --> 01:06:15.719
<v Speaker 1>different if you're a series regular, because everything is built

1176
01:06:15.760 --> 01:06:18.039
<v Speaker 1>to support you. I mean you, it doesn't matter what

1177
01:06:18.079 --> 01:06:19.880
<v Speaker 1>you do. You are in the show. You were locked

1178
01:06:19.880 --> 01:06:23.239
<v Speaker 1>in versus like the guy coming in. Everything is working

1179
01:06:23.280 --> 01:06:25.119
<v Speaker 1>against you. You think you're about to do your big

1180
01:06:25.159 --> 01:06:28.159
<v Speaker 1>scene with your big monologue. Oops, nope, we're not filming that.

1181
01:06:28.280 --> 01:06:30.519
<v Speaker 1>Actually no, we just cut that. We added this. Can

1182
01:06:30.519 --> 01:06:33.320
<v Speaker 1>you memorize this in an hour? Like everything's against you.

1183
01:06:33.400 --> 01:06:36.199
<v Speaker 1>So it's just like you're bracing for impact and just

1184
01:06:36.280 --> 01:06:38.880
<v Speaker 1>it is like acting school, just trying to show up

1185
01:06:38.880 --> 01:06:41.960
<v Speaker 1>for a show up for it. So I wanted to

1186
01:06:42.000 --> 01:06:45.039
<v Speaker 1>give you like, oh my god, it's like dream come true,

1187
01:06:45.159 --> 01:06:50.000
<v Speaker 1>which it is, And I'm grateful. But in reality, you know,

1188
01:06:50.119 --> 01:06:53.199
<v Speaker 1>if I when I book, you know they could bring

1189
01:06:53.239 --> 01:06:55.519
<v Speaker 1>me back because my character didn't die, it will be

1190
01:06:55.519 --> 01:06:59.719
<v Speaker 1>a very different experience because I was pushing up the

1191
01:07:00.199 --> 01:07:04.719
<v Speaker 1>on the edge of my capabilities, which is always uncomfortable.

1192
01:07:04.840 --> 01:07:07.880
<v Speaker 1>Creates anxiety, but it's good anxiety. There is good anxiety.

1193
01:07:08.440 --> 01:07:11.280
<v Speaker 1>So that now and I was very present, I owned

1194
01:07:11.280 --> 01:07:13.360
<v Speaker 1>the whole experience. I feel like I owned it, meaning

1195
01:07:13.400 --> 01:07:16.559
<v Speaker 1>like I was just I was kind and patient and

1196
01:07:16.599 --> 01:07:18.559
<v Speaker 1>loving to myself to the whole thing. Then now when

1197
01:07:18.559 --> 01:07:21.559
<v Speaker 1>they call me back, it'll be very different experience on set,

1198
01:07:21.599 --> 01:07:23.800
<v Speaker 1>Like I feel more. This is how you build confidence,

1199
01:07:23.840 --> 01:07:26.000
<v Speaker 1>and for me, this is how I build confidence. It

1200
01:07:26.079 --> 01:07:28.719
<v Speaker 1>was like I was very present for that last experience.

1201
01:07:28.760 --> 01:07:30.519
<v Speaker 1>I proved to myself I could do it, and I

1202
01:07:30.519 --> 01:07:32.039
<v Speaker 1>could do it with a little bit of joy. This time,

1203
01:07:32.079 --> 01:07:33.400
<v Speaker 1>I'm gonna have a little bit more joy and a

1204
01:07:33.440 --> 01:07:35.400
<v Speaker 1>little bit more fun. Let's go and then build the

1205
01:07:35.480 --> 01:07:37.280
<v Speaker 1>confidence and build it and then build it, and then

1206
01:07:37.360 --> 01:07:40.440
<v Speaker 1>suddenly you're Hugh Jackman, who you know can do anything.

1207
01:07:41.840 --> 01:07:44.239
<v Speaker 1>That's why they seem so calm and comfortable. Celebrities or

1208
01:07:44.280 --> 01:07:46.280
<v Speaker 1>you know, everybody we admire stuff just because they just

1209
01:07:46.360 --> 01:07:49.760
<v Speaker 1>built the experiences, and some of them have just built

1210
01:07:49.800 --> 01:07:53.679
<v Speaker 1>more steps than I have at this point. But I'm

1211
01:07:53.719 --> 01:07:57.719
<v Speaker 1>always pushing my threshold, so I'm always like, ill that

1212
01:07:57.760 --> 01:08:00.480
<v Speaker 1>creative anxiety. Did that answer your question? I mean I

1213
01:08:00.480 --> 01:08:00.880
<v Speaker 1>probably did.

1214
01:08:01.239 --> 01:08:04.639
<v Speaker 2>It did. What's interesting is, so I haven't seen the

1215
01:08:04.760 --> 01:08:06.239
<v Speaker 2>Husband's show.

1216
01:08:06.400 --> 01:08:09.079
<v Speaker 1>Oh you can find that on YouTube now. It was

1217
01:08:08.880 --> 01:08:11.199
<v Speaker 1>that was that was such a good show and it

1218
01:08:11.280 --> 01:08:13.679
<v Speaker 1>was breaking records online and it was a newly wet

1219
01:08:13.719 --> 01:08:17.279
<v Speaker 1>SITCOMBA with two guys. And this was still early twenty ten,

1220
01:08:17.399 --> 01:08:20.760
<v Speaker 1>so it wasn't There wasn't gay leads on shows yet.

1221
01:08:20.760 --> 01:08:22.279
<v Speaker 1>I mean, there was like the new normal, but.

1222
01:08:23.720 --> 01:08:26.199
<v Speaker 2>That wasn't like the L word or something, you know, like.

1223
01:08:26.680 --> 01:08:29.159
<v Speaker 1>We're specifically like for a gay niche. We were trying

1224
01:08:29.199 --> 01:08:31.800
<v Speaker 1>to do a mainstream gay like Will and like another

1225
01:08:31.880 --> 01:08:33.840
<v Speaker 1>version of like a Will and Grace, and it was.

1226
01:08:33.920 --> 01:08:37.279
<v Speaker 1>It was a hit, and CW made it their flagship

1227
01:08:37.319 --> 01:08:39.279
<v Speaker 1>show for their new online thing, and then they were

1228
01:08:39.279 --> 01:08:41.640
<v Speaker 1>about to move it and make it their flagship show

1229
01:08:41.680 --> 01:08:45.359
<v Speaker 1>for their actual network. But such as Hollywood, it just

1230
01:08:45.800 --> 01:08:47.359
<v Speaker 1>I'm not a producer on the show, so I don't

1231
01:08:47.399 --> 01:08:50.720
<v Speaker 1>know the truth of what happened, but it just disappeared

1232
01:08:50.720 --> 01:08:52.800
<v Speaker 1>one day. I don't know who got in a fight

1233
01:08:52.840 --> 01:08:56.039
<v Speaker 1>with who. I don't know what happened, And that was

1234
01:08:56.119 --> 01:08:57.960
<v Speaker 1>that's part of the upsets, Like, I mean, they were like,

1235
01:08:57.960 --> 01:09:00.560
<v Speaker 1>get ready, Sean, You're about to be a big TV

1236
01:09:00.760 --> 01:09:04.960
<v Speaker 1>comedy star. Get ready and then gone. I mean I

1237
01:09:05.000 --> 01:09:05.840
<v Speaker 1>quit acting.

1238
01:09:05.600 --> 01:09:05.960
<v Speaker 4>For a year.

1239
01:09:06.000 --> 01:09:09.159
<v Speaker 1>I was like, fuck this. It was so depressed. But anyway,

1240
01:09:09.239 --> 01:09:11.920
<v Speaker 1>you can watch it on YouTube. The stuff we did,

1241
01:09:12.399 --> 01:09:14.640
<v Speaker 1>we made online. It's still very entertaining.

1242
01:09:14.920 --> 01:09:18.680
<v Speaker 2>M m okay, yeah, I'm just curious about that because

1243
01:09:18.680 --> 01:09:21.840
<v Speaker 2>you know, there's so many CW shows that have come

1244
01:09:21.880 --> 01:09:22.279
<v Speaker 2>and gone.

1245
01:09:22.399 --> 01:09:26.159
<v Speaker 1>I mean, they're not very good. I'm so sorry. I

1246
01:09:26.159 --> 01:09:27.840
<v Speaker 1>have friends that did a bunch of those shows, but

1247
01:09:27.880 --> 01:09:31.039
<v Speaker 1>they're not meant to be. They're not They're not HBO Max,

1248
01:09:31.039 --> 01:09:34.640
<v Speaker 1>They're not that. I will say Ours. You know, Ours

1249
01:09:34.760 --> 01:09:38.079
<v Speaker 1>was you know the the director you know was a

1250
01:09:38.079 --> 01:09:40.279
<v Speaker 1>producer on Will and Grace and Friends. And you know

1251
01:09:40.479 --> 01:09:43.840
<v Speaker 1>the writer, Jane Espenson. She started on Buffy. You probably

1252
01:09:43.880 --> 01:09:47.600
<v Speaker 1>know where. She did a couple episodes of Game of Thrones.

1253
01:09:48.039 --> 01:09:49.920
<v Speaker 1>What's that other sci fi? She has a lot of

1254
01:09:49.960 --> 01:09:54.039
<v Speaker 1>sci fi things, Battlestar Galactica and then some comedy sit

1255
01:09:54.079 --> 01:09:56.279
<v Speaker 1>coms in there, and so like we had like an

1256
01:09:56.319 --> 01:09:57.680
<v Speaker 1>a team. It was good stuff.

1257
01:09:59.119 --> 01:10:02.199
<v Speaker 2>Okay, I think interesting, very interesting. They seem to do

1258
01:10:02.239 --> 01:10:04.520
<v Speaker 2>better with their superhero stuff for one reason or another.

1259
01:10:04.520 --> 01:10:09.039
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, yeah, yeah, they realized this, this is working,

1260
01:10:09.079 --> 01:10:11.279
<v Speaker 1>whatever Greg's doing over here, So let's just let's just

1261
01:10:11.439 --> 01:10:13.880
<v Speaker 1>corner that. And that's what they did for a long uh,

1262
01:10:13.920 --> 01:10:15.720
<v Speaker 1>superheroes and vampires. That was their corner.

1263
01:10:15.800 --> 01:10:22.520
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, all right, So what are your

1264
01:10:22.560 --> 01:10:24.760
<v Speaker 2>plans moving forward? What are you going to do with

1265
01:10:24.840 --> 01:10:27.399
<v Speaker 2>your career? Are you going to write more books? Tell

1266
01:10:27.439 --> 01:10:28.399
<v Speaker 2>me about that real quick.

1267
01:10:28.840 --> 01:10:32.319
<v Speaker 1>Sure, Well, the plan right now is to get that

1268
01:10:32.439 --> 01:10:34.680
<v Speaker 1>darn publication date so that I can give that to

1269
01:10:34.720 --> 01:10:36.800
<v Speaker 1>you and be like here's the here's the date it's

1270
01:10:36.800 --> 01:10:40.520
<v Speaker 1>coming out, and here's your copy of the book. Also

1271
01:10:40.560 --> 01:10:42.800
<v Speaker 1>working on the screenplay of that as well. So that's

1272
01:10:42.920 --> 01:10:46.359
<v Speaker 1>that's there. That is moving forward. I have a bunch

1273
01:10:46.439 --> 01:10:49.760
<v Speaker 1>of other screenplays and you know TV pilot pitches that

1274
01:10:51.159 --> 01:10:53.640
<v Speaker 1>I'll say for another conversation, but those are always working.

1275
01:10:53.680 --> 01:10:58.239
<v Speaker 1>And then it's auditioning. It's just auditioning, auditioning, auditioning, and

1276
01:10:59.600 --> 01:11:03.359
<v Speaker 1>it's it's the industry is constantly changing as they say,

1277
01:11:04.279 --> 01:11:06.640
<v Speaker 1>especially after the strike and after you know, the pandemic

1278
01:11:06.720 --> 01:11:08.760
<v Speaker 1>and stuff like that. So it's just it's just trying

1279
01:11:08.800 --> 01:11:11.359
<v Speaker 1>to get more opportunities. It's just trying to hustle out there.

1280
01:11:11.920 --> 01:11:13.439
<v Speaker 1>Like I told you when we signed on, I just

1281
01:11:13.479 --> 01:11:15.439
<v Speaker 1>came from came from an others and that's just the

1282
01:11:15.439 --> 01:11:18.560
<v Speaker 1>way it goes. So I know where I want to go.

1283
01:11:18.720 --> 01:11:20.359
<v Speaker 1>And of course I want to be a serious regular.

1284
01:11:20.439 --> 01:11:22.079
<v Speaker 1>Of course I want to work on Broadway. Of course,

1285
01:11:22.119 --> 01:11:24.960
<v Speaker 1>I want to you know, work you know, whatever feature film.

1286
01:11:25.000 --> 01:11:30.680
<v Speaker 1>Of course we do. But just as we already kind

1287
01:11:30.720 --> 01:11:33.079
<v Speaker 1>of said, there's I can show up, do my best,

1288
01:11:33.199 --> 01:11:38.319
<v Speaker 1>my best version of that character, you know, try to

1289
01:11:38.359 --> 01:11:40.439
<v Speaker 1>be the nicest, try to be a person they want

1290
01:11:40.479 --> 01:11:42.079
<v Speaker 1>to work with and be friends with for the next

1291
01:11:42.119 --> 01:11:46.199
<v Speaker 1>six months of filming, a likable human or something. But

1292
01:11:46.239 --> 01:11:48.039
<v Speaker 1>that's the most I can do. If they don't, you know,

1293
01:11:48.119 --> 01:11:50.239
<v Speaker 1>their vision of how this character is is I don't

1294
01:11:50.279 --> 01:11:52.880
<v Speaker 1>match it, then I don't match it. Besides, I don't

1295
01:11:52.880 --> 01:11:57.039
<v Speaker 1>want to be something that they I don't. I want

1296
01:11:57.039 --> 01:12:00.359
<v Speaker 1>to be something that my heart'sn't like, a character that like, yeah,

1297
01:12:00.399 --> 01:12:02.079
<v Speaker 1>I love this character, like I want to be hired

1298
01:12:02.119 --> 01:12:03.920
<v Speaker 1>for that versus like trying to be what they want.

1299
01:12:04.079 --> 01:12:05.880
<v Speaker 1>My heart's not really in it. It's just makes it

1300
01:12:05.920 --> 01:12:11.359
<v Speaker 1>a slog. It doesn't make it fun. Yeah, so I

1301
01:12:11.359 --> 01:12:12.560
<v Speaker 1>don't know, asked the universe.

1302
01:12:15.199 --> 01:12:17.920
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I guess it would suck too if you were

1303
01:12:17.960 --> 01:12:20.479
<v Speaker 2>like one of these actors that kind of gets cast

1304
01:12:20.520 --> 01:12:23.039
<v Speaker 2>in a particular role all the time, because then you

1305
01:12:23.119 --> 01:12:24.159
<v Speaker 2>just kind of becomes that guy.

1306
01:12:24.199 --> 01:12:24.399
<v Speaker 4>You know.

1307
01:12:25.720 --> 01:12:27.920
<v Speaker 1>Hey, you know what, that guy has no problem being

1308
01:12:27.920 --> 01:12:30.079
<v Speaker 1>a cog in the wheel, uh, you know, in the

1309
01:12:30.119 --> 01:12:33.079
<v Speaker 1>machine of things and is happy getting that paycheck, like

1310
01:12:34.239 --> 01:12:36.560
<v Speaker 1>you know what. You know, back when I was serving tables,

1311
01:12:36.560 --> 01:12:40.720
<v Speaker 1>I would have been happy to do that. Are you kidding? Yeah?

1312
01:12:39.399 --> 01:12:41.359
<v Speaker 2>You know all right?

1313
01:12:41.399 --> 01:12:44.239
<v Speaker 1>Gold golden, golden handcuffs. You know it's like.

1314
01:12:45.760 --> 01:12:49.279
<v Speaker 2>Anyway, Yeah, I get what you're saying. So tell everybody

1315
01:12:49.319 --> 01:12:50.199
<v Speaker 2>where they can find you.

1316
01:12:53.079 --> 01:12:56.279
<v Speaker 1>Most everything I announce or drop or talk about is

1317
01:12:56.319 --> 01:13:00.119
<v Speaker 1>on my Instagram at sean Hemian and uh and or

1318
01:13:00.119 --> 01:13:03.640
<v Speaker 1>my website sean Hemian dot com. I post them both there.

1319
01:13:03.640 --> 01:13:06.119
<v Speaker 1>You'll see a lot of my art these days. I've

1320
01:13:06.119 --> 01:13:07.840
<v Speaker 1>been a painter for over ten years. That's also what

1321
01:13:07.880 --> 01:13:12.520
<v Speaker 1>I've been doing with my time, abstract expressionist work. It's

1322
01:13:12.640 --> 01:13:15.159
<v Speaker 1>just I love it so much. It's just my other

1323
01:13:15.279 --> 01:13:17.239
<v Speaker 1>thing that I've done for myself for so long. But

1324
01:13:17.279 --> 01:13:20.119
<v Speaker 1>now in the last five years have been really putting

1325
01:13:20.119 --> 01:13:22.479
<v Speaker 1>out shows and you know you'll see it's all there.

1326
01:13:23.319 --> 01:13:29.039
<v Speaker 2>Gotcha? All right? Well, Sean, thanks for being on the

1327
01:13:29.079 --> 01:13:30.760
<v Speaker 2>Boneless Authenticity Podcast.

1328
01:13:31.800 --> 01:13:33.560
<v Speaker 1>Thank you so much for having me. This was such

1329
01:13:33.600 --> 01:13:34.039
<v Speaker 1>a pleasure.

1330
01:13:34.600 --> 01:13:35.119
<v Speaker 2>You're welcome.

1331
01:13:38.000 --> 01:13:45.720
<v Speaker 3>So you're listening to the Boundless Authenticity Podcast where we

1332
01:13:45.880 --> 01:13:50.399
<v Speaker 3>discuss everything related to the evolution of human consciousness.

1333
01:13:50.960 --> 01:13:55.079
<v Speaker 4>That's very least to understand that the United States builds

1334
01:13:55.319 --> 01:14:00.000
<v Speaker 4>bonkers which are based in cities on your every three months.

1335
01:14:00.079 --> 01:14:03.720
<v Speaker 2>Basically in your dream, you tuck into your self conscious

1336
01:14:03.800 --> 01:14:04.319
<v Speaker 2>it is your.

1337
01:14:04.359 --> 01:14:07.439
<v Speaker 1>Lot in solution or creativity.

1338
01:14:06.840 --> 01:14:12.880
<v Speaker 4>And imagination unchanged from conscious reason ego and locate all.

1339
01:14:12.520 --> 01:14:15.159
<v Speaker 1>Of your large quote for her the soul by how

1340
01:14:15.239 --> 01:14:18.199
<v Speaker 1>there are consciousness spect cultures of the gum for you

1341
01:14:18.239 --> 01:14:18.800
<v Speaker 1>of agriny.

1342
01:14:18.840 --> 01:14:21.319
<v Speaker 4>We live in a multi dimensional reality, whether it comes

1343
01:14:21.319 --> 01:14:24.640
<v Speaker 4>through esetary information in the spiritual realms or the UFO

1344
01:14:24.760 --> 01:14:28.159
<v Speaker 4>people experiences, or mainstream through on the physics and through

1345
01:14:28.279 --> 01:14:31.640
<v Speaker 4>natreum science. Now realizing that parallel dimensions probably exists, we're

1346
01:14:31.680 --> 01:14:33.000
<v Speaker 4>all spiritual.

1347
01:14:32.520 --> 01:14:34.960
<v Speaker 1>Means we're all having these human experiences. We've heard that

1348
01:14:35.039 --> 01:14:37.600
<v Speaker 1>place over and over and over, but what does that

1349
01:14:37.800 --> 01:14:39.960
<v Speaker 1>really mean? You know, all of the questions of life,

1350
01:14:40.119 --> 01:14:44.119
<v Speaker 1>we have these answers inside of our soul. We're ultimately

1351
01:14:44.159 --> 01:14:46.359
<v Speaker 1>studying the nature of what it is to be human,

1352
01:14:46.439 --> 01:14:49.199
<v Speaker 1>good and evil, our psychology, how we fitink, our health.

1353
01:14:49.239 --> 01:14:51.920
<v Speaker 4>That's why I love Bruce Lee's great quote all knowledge

1354
01:14:52.079 --> 01:14:53.840
<v Speaker 4>is ultimately self knowledge.