Speaker 1: So I am literally reading my journals from the eighties,
Speaker 1: the nineteen eighties high this is fifty plus. I am
Speaker 1: James L. Junior as I'm reading my journals and wanting
Speaker 1: to slap my younger self. Half the time I got
Speaker 1: how dramatic. But I also put in lots of details.
Speaker 1: One of the ones that I was looking at was like,
Speaker 1: I bought I bought a new I I bought a
Speaker 1: new Walkman from Macy's. It's a MFM radio and cassette.
Speaker 1: That's a big deal that I could ride the bus
Speaker 1: listening to my cassettes. Oh the good, the good Lord.
Speaker 1: I saty eight. But it's it's she to look back,
Speaker 1: and I was thinking about something as I look back.
Speaker 1: I mean, I had all these I had a I
Speaker 1: went to a small town. I went to Sacramone. I
Speaker 1: was a small town, and I had lots of friends
Speaker 1: and coworkers. We were a huge cohesive unit. I had
Speaker 1: my home life because I lived in an apartment that
Speaker 1: had a courtyard. We're all living there. So I had
Speaker 1: a home life, had a work life. I look at
Speaker 1: my thing. I had family that was raising my girl,
Speaker 1: Monica Alisi, like all this stuff, and I was like Wow,
Speaker 1: people were walking out of my house. They were just
Speaker 1: like visiting. People were staying with me, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I just my life is so different now. It's so
Speaker 1: all the dating adventures and who I like and who
Speaker 1: I liked and who are you know? And it's funny
Speaker 1: in your fifties reading stuff from your teen your late teens,
Speaker 1: early twenties, and I I was reading from like eighty
Speaker 1: eight to about ninety. I kind of stopped down there.
Speaker 1: I turned twenty one and ninety and ninety and May
Speaker 1: that year a trip to read. I was just like wow,
Speaker 1: And I just had this full on life and I
Speaker 1: was navigating living on my own, which I found to
Speaker 1: be pretty easy in the most part. I didn't have
Speaker 1: a problem alone. But then I let people stay with
Speaker 1: me for a while and they come and go. But
Speaker 1: I always had a place to live. Back then, I
Speaker 1: was dating, but I didn't just like you know, I
Speaker 1: was very proud of my place, and I had a
Speaker 1: support system. I've seen names I haven't thought about in years.
Speaker 1: There's one, there's a well I started look at here's
Speaker 1: the deal. I start look at my journals because I've
Speaker 1: worked on a project. I don't know if I mentioned
Speaker 1: it on here, but I had I've had brushes of
Speaker 1: knowing people a little for a lot that later became
Speaker 1: famous for some kind of notorious reason. It's crazy. I
Speaker 1: literally have three stories already, and I was researching going
Speaker 1: back to my journals to see if I copied the
Speaker 1: covert that which I did. I always worked on everything,
Speaker 1: and I have journals from two thousand, No's why, nineteen
Speaker 1: eighty twenty seventeen, So that was just kind of And
Speaker 1: I've been doing some audio journaling on here last over
Speaker 1: the last six months. So it's just been a trip
Speaker 1: to read all these folks who are either not here anymore,
Speaker 1: are here, dead, lives, disappeared. My girl Shelley, I don't
Speaker 1: know where she is. I don't say it last thing
Speaker 1: I want out or anything, but I hope she's a lie.
Speaker 1: My girl Tracy, a girl Cindy. I mean, I'm friends
Speaker 1: with a couple people, so I know there's still around.
Speaker 1: My friend James, my friend Michael, I'm I'm friends with
Speaker 1: some of them, but there are others I've never heard
Speaker 1: of or heard from. The now social media are not
Speaker 1: in no way that you would think we're talking. My
Speaker 1: rent was three hundred dollars a month. Oh my god,
Speaker 1: I just it just oh I love the Keen apartment.
Speaker 1: It's a Keen apartment. It was just I just I mean,
Speaker 1: I was smiling all day going through Easter journals. I
Speaker 1: found information I was looking for at the same time,
Speaker 1: but just reading I would go through me some more.
Speaker 1: I think it's it's sometimes it's fun to look back,
Speaker 1: but a laugh in a week and it's like, oh God,
Speaker 1: you were a mess, and there's some things that are
Speaker 1: still going on today, thirty five years later, thirty eight
Speaker 1: years later. I'm like, fuck, I would change that much
Speaker 1: I have and I haven't. It's a trip, guys, it
Speaker 1: is a trip. I'm so very glad I documented a
Speaker 1: lot of stuff there, some real private thoughts in there.
Speaker 1: There are when I die, I say, put them together
Speaker 1: and published the whole like a huge giant book of
Speaker 1: all my stuff, and you'll get a sense of who
Speaker 1: I was. We'll be gone afterwards. But meanwhile, I'm I'm
Speaker 1: writing a couple of autobiographical pieces that I'm really working on,
Speaker 1: something really big. But sometimes it's nice to reminisce and
Speaker 1: look back and do it in a way that hopefully
Speaker 1: you will not be resentful or pissed or you know,
Speaker 1: just look at it, look back at it honestly, and
Speaker 1: it just except it for what it is. And I
Speaker 1: guess we got to move on. And that's all we
Speaker 1: have to do. Accept ourselves. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: accept ourself fully. I accept myself in certain ways funny,
Speaker 1: but in other ways, I'm like, do I like my hair?
Speaker 1: Do I like my I don't like my body, obviously,
Speaker 1: And that's how they're just like, let's see I'm talking.
Speaker 1: I was so young and tender, and all these guys
Speaker 1: were surrounding me, and people were and guys and girls.
Speaker 1: Everybody loved me, and I was just like talking to everyone.
Speaker 1: And now I'm in my fifties, lonely, feeling invisible. Uh
Speaker 1: fats all these things going? What happened? I don't depend
Speaker 1: thinking on the show. What does change make a turn?
Speaker 1: But it was just like just interesting, just like it
Speaker 1: a lot of life happens. It just really does. And
Speaker 1: you're like, huh. And as we're trying to my family's
Speaker 1: trying to purge all this stuff, it's just like it's
Speaker 1: so much. We got a bit of a storage here
Speaker 1: today and and I brought a couple of stuff home,
Speaker 1: nothing crazy actually, and trow some pictures that's posting them
Speaker 1: online and I just sit here. I'm like, I'm fifty plus,
Speaker 1: I'm nearly sixteen, and I just it's fascinating to fine
Speaker 1: old stuff and go through it. At the same time,
Speaker 1: try and live in the present and feel what that is.
Speaker 1: And I'll hang a hard time with that. I don't
Speaker 1: know what that is, but we get a present. I
Speaker 1: have no idea. I was playing my eighties music, were
Speaker 1: my banana, clipping my hair and just keep it moving.
Speaker 1: I guess, I don't know. I get very reflective when
Speaker 1: it's gating close to my birthday, which is in about
Speaker 1: three weeks, and so I'm feeling it now already. I'm like,
Speaker 1: so I look it back every year, always do this.
Speaker 1: I think it's fine. Look back. I wrot with that. Goetta,
Speaker 1: be careful what you do with those emotions. Now, that's
Speaker 1: the only problem. But of course I have a platform
Speaker 1: where I share stuff with you all the time. This
Speaker 1: is fifty plus. We looking back, Touch you next time.