WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:05.759 And dating, what's safe is risky and what's risky is safe? 2 00:00:13.720 --> 00:00:17.600 Welcome back to how to Get a Girlfriend podcast Today. 3 00:00:17.920 --> 00:00:19.600 I want to help you get a girlfriend this way. 4 00:00:21.480 --> 00:00:25.039 Blow up your next date. Blow it the fuck up, 5 00:00:26.519 --> 00:00:29.399 blow up your date. If you're tired of dates that 6 00:00:29.559 --> 00:00:34.640 don't go anywhere, change it up, blow it up. Here's 7 00:00:34.679 --> 00:00:37.439 what I mean. So long before I became a dating coach, 8 00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:44.640 I was a lot like you, just an introverted dude, nice, smart, 9 00:00:45.399 --> 00:00:50.799 but not naturally confident. And I played it safe and 10 00:00:50.840 --> 00:00:53.880 I was getting kind of fatigued on first dates that 11 00:00:53.960 --> 00:00:57.039 mostly didn't go anywhere, mostly back in the day for me, 12 00:00:57.840 --> 00:00:59.679 before I figured it out and kind of cracked the 13 00:00:59.719 --> 00:01:04.040 code on this whole how to approach and attract and 14 00:01:04.120 --> 00:01:07.640 connect with women thing. And so long before I was 15 00:01:07.680 --> 00:01:09.519 a dating coach, I was on a first date with 16 00:01:09.560 --> 00:01:13.599 a girl named Natalia. I met her on Match And 17 00:01:13.799 --> 00:01:17.239 at the time, I was so fatigued of dating. You know, 18 00:01:17.760 --> 00:01:20.519 I wasn't just tired of struggling, but I was also 19 00:01:20.560 --> 00:01:24.239 getting kind of bored. I wasn't even enjoying dates. There 20 00:01:24.280 --> 00:01:26.280 was a lot of you know, all the small talk, 21 00:01:27.079 --> 00:01:31.599 where are you from, what do you do? How many siblings. 22 00:01:31.640 --> 00:01:35.840 Do you have all those questions that can, you know, 23 00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:38.920 really drag you down and make a date feel like 24 00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:44.959 a chore. And I remember I just said, I'm going 25 00:01:45.040 --> 00:01:47.560 to do something different tonight. I want to try something 26 00:01:47.640 --> 00:01:51.359 very different. So she and I sit down at some 27 00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:57.840 irish pub in midtown Manhattan and I say, I have 28 00:01:57.879 --> 00:02:01.959 an idea. Let's play a game. And she said, what 29 00:02:02.000 --> 00:02:05.560 do you mean. I said, well, neither of us. Here's 30 00:02:05.560 --> 00:02:09.400 the game. Neither of us can ask a single question 31 00:02:09.520 --> 00:02:14.960 on this date that we've ever asked on a date before. 32 00:02:16.120 --> 00:02:18.879 And she was like, that sounds great. I'm all in. 33 00:02:19.479 --> 00:02:23.159 We high fived. It's like cool, great, And so I said, 34 00:02:23.159 --> 00:02:28.120 you go first, ask me anything, and she said, when 35 00:02:28.199 --> 00:02:31.039 was the last time you cried? And I told her 36 00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:35.639 the truth. At the end of My Cousin Vinnie, this 37 00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:38.280 is not a joke. It sounds like a shtick, but 38 00:02:38.520 --> 00:02:41.120 I'm serious. So at the end of My Cousin Vinnie, 39 00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:44.759 whenever I watched the end of My Cousin Vinnie and 40 00:02:44.840 --> 00:02:50.000 he finally gets Ralph Macchio off of those bogus charges, 41 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:56.360 and Joe Pesci and my future wife Marisa tome win 42 00:02:56.439 --> 00:02:58.360 the case, it just I don't know. It got to 43 00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:01.199 me a couple of times. I said, oh, I cried 44 00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:05.120 at my cousin Vinnie, and she said, oh my god, 45 00:03:05.120 --> 00:03:09.080 you're so lame, which she's not wrong. And then we 46 00:03:09.199 --> 00:03:13.680 just gave each other all these fun, rapid fire anything 47 00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:18.120 goes questions. I remember I said, Okay, if you could 48 00:03:18.199 --> 00:03:22.319 punch anybody in the face, who would it be? And 49 00:03:22.360 --> 00:03:24.400 she said she kind of surprised me with her answer. 50 00:03:24.479 --> 00:03:28.800 She said, Ted Moseby, the name of the main character 51 00:03:29.319 --> 00:03:32.639 on How I Met your Mother, Ted, And then she 52 00:03:32.719 --> 00:03:35.800 explained why she hated Ted Moseby, just that he's a 53 00:03:35.879 --> 00:03:39.280 character who sucks. And so this went on for a while, 54 00:03:39.360 --> 00:03:43.759 back and forth, rapid fire questions and all bets were off. 55 00:03:44.280 --> 00:03:46.879 It's like, what is your greatest fear? And I told 56 00:03:46.919 --> 00:03:48.960 her or whatever it was, I forget. It's been many years, 57 00:03:49.879 --> 00:03:54.479 And I asked her. I'm a journalist, or I was 58 00:03:54.520 --> 00:03:57.400 a professional journalist at the time, so I'm pretty good 59 00:03:57.400 --> 00:04:02.400 at asking questions and asking some prizing questions. So I 60 00:04:02.479 --> 00:04:04.080 was really this was just a way for me to 61 00:04:04.199 --> 00:04:07.120 lean into my strengths of being a good interviewer, a 62 00:04:07.120 --> 00:04:10.919 good conversationalist. I like to think and then things got 63 00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:15.120 actually pretty real. About halfway through the date, she said, 64 00:04:15.199 --> 00:04:18.519 have you ever cheated on a cheated on anybody? Have 65 00:04:18.600 --> 00:04:21.199 you ever cheated on a partner? And I was like, 66 00:04:21.240 --> 00:04:23.920 oh shit, this is really getting real. Do I tell 67 00:04:23.920 --> 00:04:25.920 her the truth? And the truth was that yeah, I 68 00:04:25.959 --> 00:04:31.720 had cheated on a woman earlier, years earlier, felt terrible 69 00:04:31.720 --> 00:04:34.240 about it, but it was the truth, and so I said, 70 00:04:34.319 --> 00:04:35.879 yeah I had, and I really owned it too. I 71 00:04:35.920 --> 00:04:40.639 remember thinking, yeah, I have, and her reaction was really interesting. 72 00:04:42.360 --> 00:04:45.079 I had never told a woman that before, certainly not 73 00:04:45.160 --> 00:04:48.519 on the first date. I don't recommend you tried this 74 00:04:48.560 --> 00:04:53.680 at home necessarily. This is a this worked for Connell move. 75 00:04:54.519 --> 00:04:57.360 Your mileage may vary, but I remember her reaction was 76 00:04:57.399 --> 00:05:05.839 really interesting. Emotionally she pulled back, but physically she leaned forward. 77 00:05:07.160 --> 00:05:10.519 It was like there was a vibe of damn, this 78 00:05:10.560 --> 00:05:14.519 guy's actually telling me the truth, combined with but can 79 00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:19.759 I trust him? She was almost excited, almost for lack 80 00:05:19.800 --> 00:05:22.639 of a better term, it was almost like WHOA, finally 81 00:05:22.639 --> 00:05:26.040 a guy who was just telling me the truth. And 82 00:05:26.959 --> 00:05:29.480 I told the story of the woman I cheated on 83 00:05:29.560 --> 00:05:31.279 and how it happened and why I didn't go into 84 00:05:31.319 --> 00:05:34.360 it for ten minutes, but you know, had to tell 85 00:05:34.360 --> 00:05:37.800 her a little bit about it, and I think it 86 00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:41.240 actually kind of created trust with her because she realized, Wow, 87 00:05:41.480 --> 00:05:43.720 he's going to tell me that he's not giving me 88 00:05:43.759 --> 00:05:45.759 some line of bullshit saying what I want to hear. 89 00:05:46.519 --> 00:05:49.800 And I just felt really free that night. I felt 90 00:05:49.839 --> 00:05:53.079 really freeing to let go of all the things I 91 00:05:53.120 --> 00:05:56.040 felt like I had to say, had to do, and 92 00:05:56.160 --> 00:06:01.480 just be really spontaneous and in the moment we kiss 93 00:06:01.519 --> 00:06:05.680 goodnight Italian and I and I remember she texted me. 94 00:06:08.319 --> 00:06:13.160 I remember she texted me quote, I have this floaty 95 00:06:13.240 --> 00:06:19.040 feeling I could get used to. This winky emojis pretty 96 00:06:19.120 --> 00:06:21.639 damn good text message to get back from a woman. 97 00:06:22.319 --> 00:06:24.560 And before that date with Natalia, I was in a 98 00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:27.720 little bit of a slump, not getting second dates with 99 00:06:27.800 --> 00:06:31.120 most of the women I was meeting. And I remember thinking, wow, 100 00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:33.319 this is pretty cool. I didn't use the term blow 101 00:06:33.319 --> 00:06:35.120 it up at the time. I just made up the 102 00:06:35.199 --> 00:06:38.160 term blow it up recently because I thought, Hey, what 103 00:06:38.199 --> 00:06:41.560 will be a cool different kind of insight to share 104 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:45.879 with my audience here, And the insight is give women 105 00:06:46.000 --> 00:06:51.600 something they're not used to. Break that pattern zag every 106 00:06:51.600 --> 00:06:55.519 other guy is zigging. You can zag blow up your 107 00:06:55.560 --> 00:06:58.240 next date. Here's how to do it. Here are three 108 00:06:58.360 --> 00:07:02.879 rules you can follow. Your mileage may vary, but you 109 00:07:02.920 --> 00:07:05.959 can certainly give it a try. Three rules to follow 110 00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:09.480 to blow up your next first date. Rule number one, 111 00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:14.439 no questions you've ever asked on another date are allowed, 112 00:07:16.879 --> 00:07:19.360 and you can even say that I've got an idea. 113 00:07:20.199 --> 00:07:21.879 Let's shake up our date. You don't need to say 114 00:07:21.879 --> 00:07:23.480 blow it up, but you can say, let's I have 115 00:07:23.519 --> 00:07:26.639 a fun idea. Let's do something different for our date. 116 00:07:28.040 --> 00:07:31.360 Let's ask each other any question, as long as it's 117 00:07:31.399 --> 00:07:34.120 nothing we've ever asked before on a date. I think 118 00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:37.439 a lot of women will really like that. Rule number 119 00:07:37.439 --> 00:07:41.879 two for blowing up your next date, no lying, no lying. 120 00:07:42.600 --> 00:07:46.000 You both have to wear wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth. 121 00:07:46.519 --> 00:07:51.560 I remember with Natalia, I mimicked having a lasso and 122 00:07:51.600 --> 00:07:54.240 I threw it around her. I'm like, okay, remember we're 123 00:07:54.240 --> 00:07:57.079 both wearing the Lasso of Truth and I was wearing 124 00:07:57.120 --> 00:08:01.319 it two and I really basically acted like I was 125 00:08:01.360 --> 00:08:04.560 on truth serum. And I used to be such a liar. 126 00:08:04.759 --> 00:08:09.439 A liar's not the right word. Such a such a 127 00:08:10.639 --> 00:08:13.439 say what makes her what makes her like me kind 128 00:08:13.439 --> 00:08:17.240 of guy on previous dates? What does she want to hear? 129 00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:21.680 What will attract her? What is good? Content? Good? We 130 00:08:21.720 --> 00:08:25.519 didn't say content back then. What is good? Game? And 131 00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:27.240 it felt so freeing to just say, you know what, 132 00:08:27.360 --> 00:08:30.959 let's just tell the truth, drop the guard unguarded, this 133 00:08:31.040 --> 00:08:33.879 is me warts and all, love it or hate it. 134 00:08:34.320 --> 00:08:36.960 And I felt really good, really good. So Rule number 135 00:08:37.000 --> 00:08:39.159 one no questions allowed you've ever asked before on a 136 00:08:39.200 --> 00:08:42.080 first date. Rule number two no lying. You both must 137 00:08:42.159 --> 00:08:45.279 wear the wonder Woman lasso of truth. And rule number 138 00:08:45.279 --> 00:08:49.720 three no trying to give a good answer. Don't think 139 00:08:49.759 --> 00:08:53.200 through the lens of is this good? Is this attractive? 140 00:08:53.559 --> 00:08:58.480 Think through the lens of I'm expressing the truth. Think 141 00:08:58.919 --> 00:09:04.080 express the truth, not impress the girl. Express the truth, 142 00:09:04.200 --> 00:09:08.960 not impress the girl. Paradoxically, what I've learned from my 143 00:09:09.039 --> 00:09:11.200 twenty one years in this world of looking at dating 144 00:09:11.240 --> 00:09:15.000 and studying it fourteen years as a coach, is that 145 00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:18.840 when you stop trying to impress her and you fully express, 146 00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:22.840 you actually start getting the kind of attraction and romantic 147 00:09:22.919 --> 00:09:25.720 sparks you want. So you actually do impress her in 148 00:09:25.759 --> 00:09:27.759 a way by not trying to impress her one of 149 00:09:27.799 --> 00:09:30.960 those brain melting things I learned along the way that 150 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:38.559 I impart to my clients. Speaking to my clients. Here's 151 00:09:38.559 --> 00:09:42.720 a quick commercial paid for by me. If you would 152 00:09:42.799 --> 00:09:45.600 like to talk with me about how my dating coaching works. 153 00:09:45.840 --> 00:09:48.000 If you want to blow up your next date, or 154 00:09:48.039 --> 00:09:50.480 blow up your whole dating life and start again and 155 00:09:50.519 --> 00:09:53.120 get a great girlfriend, then you can do that by 156 00:09:54.360 --> 00:09:56.559 talking to me. I am a dating coach. I do 157 00:09:56.639 --> 00:10:00.159 one on one personalized coaching with men. I can coach 158 00:10:00.159 --> 00:10:04.200 men anywhere in the world. And my specialty, if I 159 00:10:04.240 --> 00:10:06.120 had to say I have two specialties, it would be 160 00:10:06.600 --> 00:10:09.519 helping men with approaching knowing what to say and how 161 00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:12.440 to approach women in a very confident way. And also 162 00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:16.200 just the act and art flirting, how to flirt, how 163 00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:20.159 to make sparks, romantic sparks happen so that you never 164 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:23.039 run out of things to say, flirting really well, having 165 00:10:23.120 --> 00:10:25.360 really good dates. So, if you're interested in learning how 166 00:10:25.399 --> 00:10:28.320 my coaching works, good at Dating Transformation dot com and 167 00:10:28.360 --> 00:10:30.440 you can book a free call with me today, or 168 00:10:30.440 --> 00:10:32.320 at least you can book it today. We won't have 169 00:10:32.360 --> 00:10:35.559 it for a little while, a few days. Anyway, Not 170 00:10:35.679 --> 00:10:39.159 everybody wants coaching, that's totally cool. If you don't want coaching, 171 00:10:39.639 --> 00:10:41.679 then I would love to give you something just because 172 00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:43.879 you're a person listening to my podcast, and that really 173 00:10:43.879 --> 00:10:46.080 means a lot to me, It really does. I'm a 174 00:10:46.159 --> 00:10:48.840 huge podcast guy and I have such a strong bond 175 00:10:49.080 --> 00:10:54.799 with my favorite podcasts. I love The Rest is History, 176 00:10:55.480 --> 00:10:57.679 I love screw It. We're just going to talk about 177 00:10:57.679 --> 00:11:03.120 the Beatles. I love of the Rewatchables. The Ringer podcasts 178 00:11:03.159 --> 00:11:06.000 are awesome, and I have such a strong connection with 179 00:11:06.120 --> 00:11:10.159 the people on my favorite podcasts. And if you like 180 00:11:10.240 --> 00:11:13.679 this podcast and want an even stronger connection to me, 181 00:11:14.159 --> 00:11:16.399 then I want to send you my book. I wrote 182 00:11:16.440 --> 00:11:18.840 a book came out five years ago called Dating Sucks 183 00:11:18.840 --> 00:11:22.559 But You Don't did pretty well, hit a couple bestseller lists, 184 00:11:22.919 --> 00:11:24.279 and I want to send it to you for free. 185 00:11:24.519 --> 00:11:26.080 So if you want a free copy of my book, 186 00:11:26.480 --> 00:11:31.919 email me Connell at Dating Transformation dot com. Just put 187 00:11:31.960 --> 00:11:34.679 free book in the subject. I will see your email 188 00:11:34.879 --> 00:11:39.039 soon and I'll send you a PDF of my book. 189 00:11:39.080 --> 00:11:42.039 You can instantly get it start reading it. So email 190 00:11:42.320 --> 00:11:47.360 Connell at Dating Transformation dot com to get that all. Right, 191 00:11:47.480 --> 00:11:52.360 back to blowing up dates, here's a story. When I 192 00:11:52.399 --> 00:11:55.919 started blowing up my dates, I knew I was onto something, 193 00:11:56.679 --> 00:11:59.000 and I said, all right, I want to make sure 194 00:12:00.279 --> 00:12:07.240 I give every woman on every first date the full 195 00:12:07.360 --> 00:12:16.519 Connell experience, going full Connell. And I remember I had 196 00:12:16.559 --> 00:12:19.120 a first date with a woman I was really excited about. 197 00:12:20.759 --> 00:12:24.000 And if you're anything like I used to be, when 198 00:12:24.039 --> 00:12:28.080 you're really excited about a woman, in a way, it 199 00:12:28.200 --> 00:12:30.759 kind of gets you in your head and can make 200 00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:37.120 you play it safe and can make you like play 201 00:12:37.120 --> 00:12:41.279 a prevent defense. And they say in the NFL, if 202 00:12:41.320 --> 00:12:43.559 you play that prevent defense, they call it the prevent 203 00:12:43.639 --> 00:12:48.440 defense because it prevents you from winning. And I remember 204 00:12:48.440 --> 00:12:51.039 I had a first date lined up with this really 205 00:12:51.039 --> 00:12:56.480 beautiful woman, an actress from Eastern Europe. I forget her name. 206 00:12:56.759 --> 00:13:02.240 I wish I could remember it, but I'll call her Lena. Beautiful, slender, brunette, 207 00:13:02.279 --> 00:13:07.600 just dynamite, gorgeous actress. I met her. I met her 208 00:13:07.679 --> 00:13:10.679 at a Tony Robbins event, so we had a lot 209 00:13:10.720 --> 00:13:12.759 in common. We met at this Tony Robbins event. I 210 00:13:12.759 --> 00:13:16.600 approached her, we chatted, I got her number, and turns 211 00:13:16.600 --> 00:13:18.360 out she lives in New York and we went on 212 00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:21.519 a first date, and I remember going to the end 213 00:13:21.519 --> 00:13:26.840 of the date thinking to myself, don't play it safe, 214 00:13:29.679 --> 00:13:34.120 play it risky, because what does every guy do with 215 00:13:34.159 --> 00:13:40.639 this beautiful woman, actress dynamite? I look, every guy, not 216 00:13:40.759 --> 00:13:44.840 every guy, dozens of guys at the Tony Robbins event 217 00:13:45.360 --> 00:13:47.559 we're talking about this woman. Or she was one of 218 00:13:47.559 --> 00:13:49.399 those women who were like, oh yeah, did you see 219 00:13:49.399 --> 00:13:51.720 that girl? Oh my god. She was even on stage 220 00:13:51.720 --> 00:13:55.799 with Tony at one point, so she got everybody's attention anyway. 221 00:13:55.960 --> 00:13:59.639 So I was excited to have a first date with her. 222 00:13:59.759 --> 00:14:03.360 I was also nervous because I was like, damn, how's 223 00:14:03.399 --> 00:14:05.399 it gonna go? She gonna like me, wouldn't it be 224 00:14:05.440 --> 00:14:08.360 amazing if we hooked up or if we dated? And 225 00:14:08.559 --> 00:14:11.919 those kinds of thoughts about the outcome can actually create 226 00:14:11.919 --> 00:14:14.320 it create a block. So that makes it harder for 227 00:14:14.320 --> 00:14:16.960 you to get the outcome because it makes you play 228 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:20.279 it safe. And there's a really cool paradox that one 229 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:22.120 of my coaches taught me back in the day. He 230 00:14:22.200 --> 00:14:26.320 used to say to me, Connell and dating, what's safe 231 00:14:26.360 --> 00:14:30.720 is risky, and what's risky is safe. I thought that 232 00:14:30.840 --> 00:14:33.960 was kind of a cool little mind blower. What did 233 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:37.840 he mean by that? Well, what he meant was And 234 00:14:37.879 --> 00:14:42.639 I tell my clients the same thing, that what you 235 00:14:42.759 --> 00:14:48.159 think is risky, like making a move, telling a woman 236 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:52.080 she's sexy, doing a bold approach. It feels risky to 237 00:14:52.159 --> 00:14:56.000 you because you're pushing your comfort zone, but it's actually 238 00:14:56.039 --> 00:15:00.720 a very safe, smart dating move to make because women 239 00:15:00.879 --> 00:15:03.519 like boldness, women like a man who goes for it. 240 00:15:04.679 --> 00:15:11.279 At the same time, what feels safe hanging back, being mysterious, 241 00:15:11.679 --> 00:15:17.480 not letting her know if you like her, or other cautiousness, 242 00:15:18.039 --> 00:15:21.720 walking on eggshells, so to speak. That might feel safe 243 00:15:21.919 --> 00:15:24.559 in the moment because you're not stretching your comfort zone, 244 00:15:24.879 --> 00:15:28.360 but it's very risky because you risk a woman feeling 245 00:15:28.399 --> 00:15:29.879 like you're just not a guy who goes for it. 246 00:15:30.759 --> 00:15:36.240 And generally speaking, a quality, beautiful, attractive woman wants a 247 00:15:36.279 --> 00:15:39.960 guy who knows when and how to take risks. So 248 00:15:40.200 --> 00:15:42.480 risky is safe and what's safe is risky. And I 249 00:15:42.639 --> 00:15:45.840 had that mindset as I walk into the Tempest Bar 250 00:15:46.639 --> 00:15:50.639 in Chelsea. No longer there Chelsea's there, Tempest is not. 251 00:15:51.960 --> 00:15:54.120 And I walk into this really cool, fun dive bar 252 00:15:54.200 --> 00:15:57.200 for my first date with Lena, and I'm thinking all right, 253 00:15:58.120 --> 00:16:02.159 play it risky. Don't force it, but play it risky, 254 00:16:02.360 --> 00:16:05.879 because risky is safe. Safe is risky. And this is 255 00:16:06.279 --> 00:16:09.799 a variation of blowing up the date. This is part 256 00:16:09.799 --> 00:16:13.000 of the theme here. By the way, do not try 257 00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:14.679 this at home what I'm about to say to you. 258 00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:17.960 Do not say this to a woman, but know that 259 00:16:18.039 --> 00:16:20.639 it It's what I said. So I get to the 260 00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:23.159 bar and I'm waiting for Lena, and I sit down 261 00:16:23.200 --> 00:16:26.279 in this area of the bar sectioned off kind of 262 00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:29.519 a dark quiet area, seats about fifteen people, and it's 263 00:16:29.559 --> 00:16:33.720 just me, maybe one other person. However, before Lena arrives, 264 00:16:34.360 --> 00:16:37.600 a whole cross team of dudes shows up. I think 265 00:16:37.639 --> 00:16:40.000 it was a lacrosse team. They had just finished a 266 00:16:40.039 --> 00:16:43.120 practice nearby, and they're all having post practice drinks at 267 00:16:43.200 --> 00:16:48.960 Tempest Fun little grungey dive bar in Chelsea, and all 268 00:16:49.000 --> 00:16:54.600 of these beefy shorts wearing sweaty twenty something lacrosse dudes 269 00:16:54.879 --> 00:16:57.919 enter this area and sit all around me and near me, 270 00:16:58.840 --> 00:17:02.960 so eight or ten guys, quite the visual. They're there 271 00:17:03.000 --> 00:17:06.400 for a few minutes and then Lena arrives for our date, 272 00:17:07.599 --> 00:17:10.400 and I stand up to greet her, give her a 273 00:17:10.440 --> 00:17:15.960 little hug. She sees where I am. I'm surrounded by 274 00:17:16.079 --> 00:17:18.880 all of these sweaty men in this small room, and 275 00:17:18.920 --> 00:17:20.960 she looks at me and smiles and sort of is 276 00:17:21.000 --> 00:17:25.759 assessing the situation. And I said to her, oh, yeah, 277 00:17:25.799 --> 00:17:30.319 I thought you might want to have a gangbang. I 278 00:17:30.319 --> 00:17:33.279 don't know where that came from. It was just a 279 00:17:33.319 --> 00:17:36.319 spontaneous thing. I read the situation and I thought, you 280 00:17:36.359 --> 00:17:39.039 know what, I'm just going to say the first thing 281 00:17:39.039 --> 00:17:43.480 that comes into my mind. And it wasn't planned, I 282 00:17:43.559 --> 00:17:46.000 wasn't scripting that. It just came out of the moment. 283 00:17:46.039 --> 00:17:49.519 I saw her looking at all these guys, and I thought, well, 284 00:17:49.799 --> 00:17:55.160 let me just say the thing. And she laughed so loud. 285 00:17:56.160 --> 00:18:00.359 She thought it was hilarious and it was a great 286 00:18:00.400 --> 00:18:06.920 ice breaker. Again, I cannot state this enough. Do not 287 00:18:07.240 --> 00:18:10.000 make a gang bang joke at the start of your 288 00:18:10.039 --> 00:18:15.359 first date. Not for every guy. But in a weird way, 289 00:18:15.480 --> 00:18:18.119 somehow it was the right thing to say to Lena. 290 00:18:20.240 --> 00:18:22.559 Maybe I did some computation in my head. I could 291 00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:24.599 tell from the Tony Robbins event that she was a 292 00:18:24.640 --> 00:18:26.559 free spirit, she had a good sense of humor. We 293 00:18:26.599 --> 00:18:29.119 did talk for ten or fifteen minutes there and I 294 00:18:29.119 --> 00:18:31.279 could get a sense for her how she was on stage. 295 00:18:31.759 --> 00:18:34.960 Definitely a fun person with a good sense of humor. 296 00:18:35.279 --> 00:18:37.200 I would not say that as a go to move 297 00:18:37.359 --> 00:18:40.359 at all, But anyway, that was my gang bang joke 298 00:18:40.440 --> 00:18:42.960 that I made with Lina, and it helped the date 299 00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:46.480 kick off in a really fun way. And it actually 300 00:18:46.519 --> 00:18:50.079 went pretty well, went pretty well, and it was a 301 00:18:50.119 --> 00:18:52.920 good It was a small example, not a small example, 302 00:18:52.920 --> 00:18:57.519 but a micro context specific example of me blowing up 303 00:18:57.519 --> 00:19:00.400 the date. I wanted her to know. On some level, 304 00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:04.359 I knew that I wanted her to know that I'm 305 00:19:04.359 --> 00:19:07.160 not like other guys. I'm not gonna sit here and 306 00:19:07.240 --> 00:19:11.839 interview you and ask you how your day was, at 307 00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:15.440 least not for too long. Play it safe. I'll make 308 00:19:15.480 --> 00:19:19.240 the raw joke, I'll make the gang bang joke. I'll 309 00:19:19.279 --> 00:19:23.240 go for it. And the other thing. I remember we 310 00:19:23.279 --> 00:19:27.920 went to a second location and she straight up asked me. 311 00:19:28.039 --> 00:19:30.359 She wasn't quite clear if this was a date or not. 312 00:19:31.680 --> 00:19:35.720 I think she just wasn't sure, and I said, hell, yeah, 313 00:19:35.720 --> 00:19:39.000 this is a date. I don't bring my lacrosse buddies 314 00:19:39.000 --> 00:19:41.319 out to meet just anybody, but yeah, this is a date. 315 00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:44.480 So I didn't play it cool. I didn't play it safe. 316 00:19:44.599 --> 00:19:49.400 I didn't hold cards back. I let her know that 317 00:19:49.599 --> 00:19:51.960 I really liked her or I was I was starting 318 00:19:51.960 --> 00:19:55.720 to like her, and we ended up at my place. 319 00:19:56.119 --> 00:20:00.200 We watched we actually watched a movie she was in 320 00:20:00.200 --> 00:20:04.880 in whatever, the Eastern European cinema, some European movie, and 321 00:20:05.279 --> 00:20:07.559 she it was really funny. She said, hey, do you 322 00:20:07.559 --> 00:20:10.039 have Netflix? And we've called up her movie on Netflix. 323 00:20:10.039 --> 00:20:11.960 She's like, oh, I want to watch this scene. All 324 00:20:12.000 --> 00:20:15.559 of a sudden, I'm watching a beautiful half naked woman 325 00:20:15.640 --> 00:20:18.640 in her lingerie on the movie screen. And I look 326 00:20:18.960 --> 00:20:20.680 at the movie and I looked to my right on 327 00:20:20.720 --> 00:20:23.880 my couch, and I'm like, that's you. It was really 328 00:20:23.880 --> 00:20:28.559 fun and it was a really good date. And I 329 00:20:29.160 --> 00:20:31.279 don't remember what else I blew up about that date, 330 00:20:31.319 --> 00:20:33.920 but I just remember that moment so blowing this idea 331 00:20:33.920 --> 00:20:37.000 of blowing up a date. It doesn't mean every single 332 00:20:37.039 --> 00:20:39.319 moment of every date has to be wild and weird 333 00:20:39.359 --> 00:20:42.119 and crazy. You just want to give her an experience 334 00:20:42.559 --> 00:20:46.680 that she hasn't had before. And there's a par there's 335 00:20:47.079 --> 00:20:50.119 a paradox here. Maybe is that the right word or dichotomy? 336 00:20:50.759 --> 00:20:54.200 You want to blow up the date by being a 337 00:20:54.480 --> 00:20:59.599 very relatable, authentic version of you, which is just being you, 338 00:21:00.440 --> 00:21:07.039 but giving her the fun the patterned variety, pattern break 339 00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:10.440 of variety of a very different date. So when I 340 00:21:10.480 --> 00:21:13.119 say blow up the date, I am not saying be different, 341 00:21:13.240 --> 00:21:17.960 be somebody, or not say weird, weird, crazy, not normal stuff, 342 00:21:18.240 --> 00:21:23.759 absolut fusolutely not be even more you. That Gang Bang joke. 343 00:21:24.079 --> 00:21:26.640 That is my sense of humor. At least it was 344 00:21:27.480 --> 00:21:29.960 that night, in that moment, and I have a pretty 345 00:21:30.039 --> 00:21:33.720 raunchy sense of humor. I'll make a raunchy, raw joke, 346 00:21:35.200 --> 00:21:37.519 and I'm not gonna hide that. That's the kind of 347 00:21:37.599 --> 00:21:39.680 joke I might make with my personal trainer when we're 348 00:21:39.680 --> 00:21:43.279 just shooting the shit at the gym, but I'll do 349 00:21:43.319 --> 00:21:47.519 it on a date. I'm not afraid to go to 350 00:21:47.559 --> 00:21:50.559 that place. Now, not every woman likes that. I have 351 00:21:50.680 --> 00:21:53.640 plenty of stories of me failing. Maybe that's a whole 352 00:21:53.640 --> 00:21:58.599 separate episode. I once let me just be really honest 353 00:21:58.640 --> 00:22:00.759 with you. I once blew up a day, and it 354 00:22:00.799 --> 00:22:05.799 actually blew up in a bad way. I had a 355 00:22:05.920 --> 00:22:08.960 date where I thought, I'm just going to be totally 356 00:22:08.960 --> 00:22:13.480 real and honest with this woman, and we started talking 357 00:22:13.559 --> 00:22:17.880 about the first We started talking about our youth and 358 00:22:18.119 --> 00:22:25.079 early sexual discoveries, and somehow, some way the topic got 359 00:22:25.160 --> 00:22:28.400 onto masturbation and I told her about the first time 360 00:22:28.440 --> 00:22:31.680 I touched myself and I didn't do it in a 361 00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:37.839 vulgar way. It happened somewhat organically, I think my memory. 362 00:22:38.319 --> 00:22:40.599 And I talked about it a couple times on other dates, 363 00:22:41.079 --> 00:22:44.160 and a couple of women really liked the vulnerability talking about, oh, 364 00:22:44.240 --> 00:22:46.759 the first time I discovered my body, And it was 365 00:22:46.759 --> 00:22:50.839 a really honest, open conversation, and it blew up with 366 00:22:50.880 --> 00:22:52.920 this other woman. She said, why are you talking about this? 367 00:22:53.119 --> 00:22:55.480 I don't want to talk about this, and that's fair. 368 00:22:56.359 --> 00:22:59.920 That's fair. So I will not lie to you. Dear listener, 369 00:23:00.319 --> 00:23:03.000 When you blow up a date, you risk blowing up 370 00:23:03.079 --> 00:23:07.000 the date, but you also give yourself a really good 371 00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:11.559 chance of a strong, making a strong, amazing impact on 372 00:23:11.599 --> 00:23:15.400 that woman and making you memorable in a good way 373 00:23:15.880 --> 00:23:18.359 and making her want to see you again. That's what 374 00:23:18.359 --> 00:23:20.519 I'm getting at here. So I'm not gonna bullshit you 375 00:23:20.599 --> 00:23:22.839 and pretend like this is an instant quick fix that'll 376 00:23:22.839 --> 00:23:25.559 make every woman want a second date with you. The 377 00:23:25.640 --> 00:23:28.920 idea here is that it makes you more polarizing at 378 00:23:29.039 --> 00:23:31.559 least or more. Maybe polarizing is too strong of a word. 379 00:23:31.920 --> 00:23:34.440 It makes you more impactful for a woman who for 380 00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:37.319 a woman who really likes your type. But yeah, don't 381 00:23:37.400 --> 00:23:41.039 talk about masturbation. I'm not saying that, and don't make 382 00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:44.839 gang bang jokes. I'm just giving you extreme examples of 383 00:23:44.880 --> 00:23:46.960 blowing up the date. You can blow up the date 384 00:23:47.000 --> 00:23:49.279 this way. It can be this simple. Here's a great example. 385 00:23:49.319 --> 00:23:52.839 This is my third date with my girlfriend Jess. Now 386 00:23:52.920 --> 00:23:56.799 my girlfriend Jess very simple. I said, hey, I have 387 00:23:56.839 --> 00:23:59.680 an idea. Let's do a reverse date. We were planning 388 00:23:59.759 --> 00:24:02.319 date number three. I was so into her. I still 389 00:24:02.359 --> 00:24:05.279 am years later. I was so into her and really 390 00:24:05.319 --> 00:24:07.440 liking her, and I'm like, Okay, I want to do 391 00:24:07.519 --> 00:24:11.160 something fun and different for our third date, kind of surprising, 392 00:24:11.720 --> 00:24:16.039 And I said, let's do dessert first. Let's do a 393 00:24:16.039 --> 00:24:19.880 dessert first date. We'll start off getting cheesecake at this fancy, 394 00:24:19.960 --> 00:24:22.640 cool cheese cake place, and then we'll go to this 395 00:24:22.720 --> 00:24:26.599 cool restaurant. So it can be that simple. That's a 396 00:24:26.680 --> 00:24:29.599 little baby blow up of a date, just doing something 397 00:24:29.640 --> 00:24:31.519 a little twist on what people are used to, so 398 00:24:31.559 --> 00:24:33.640 it can be as simple as that. Dessert first is 399 00:24:33.640 --> 00:24:39.279 a blow update. Another example of a blow update. This 400 00:24:39.319 --> 00:24:41.680 is really great, especially now that summer's here, if you 401 00:24:41.720 --> 00:24:45.599