Speaker 1: Welcome back, Bestie's. It is mother, and I am here
despite the world trying to take me the fuck down.
Before I jump into everything, I want to let you
know those dates I had to reschedule for Nashville and RAWLEI.
There's still a few tickets left. So if you guys
are in Nashville, or if you're in Raleigh and you
want to come hang out with me. I don't even
know if I remember how to do comedy anymore. I'll
be honest, I'm not so sure that I do. It's
been a while. I've been doing comedy with like Reina
and THEO, and I've been featuring for people, but I
haven't been working on my new set. So I'm gonna
work on my new set and We're gonna have a
lot of fun and I would love to see you
and say hi. The Raleigh date is June sixteenth and
the Nashville date is June eighteenth, So go on my
website Brittany Schmidt dot com b ri I T T
A N Y S E h M I T T
dot com for tickets. Okay, we're back. We're back. We're back,
We're back. What's up? How we doing? I'm bad. Maybe
never been worse. I know last week I was like
do I complain about and then like, God really gave
me something to come. I'm here, Biggie's not and that
is the most It's the most devastating thing I've ever
been through in my life. For any of you who
have ever lost a pet know what I'm going through
right now. I'm it's taking everything in me to just
get out of bed in the morning. But I'm here
and I'm showing up because I think it's important that
I keep going and I don't fall down a hole,
that I don't fall into a well of despair because
I'll tell you what mama wants to fucking get in
bed and eat bad food and then eat more bad
food and then doom scroll And then for some reason,
Instagram hasn't gone on to the fact that my dog died,
so all it's showing me is like the cutest little
reels of dogs, And I'm like, I don't know anymore,
and so I can't do that. I can't keep being sad.
My house is filled with flowers, My friends are so wonderful,
I'm surrounded by so many great things. I'm so grateful
for my life and to be here. But fuck, fuck
is this painful. I'm gonna get into all of that
later because if I get into that now, first of all,
I'm gonna ruin your fucking Monday. And that's not what
I'm here for. I don't want to ruin your fucking monday. Okay.
I want you guys to have a great day. I
want you to have a great week. I want you
to have a good commute to work. I want you
to be distracted, and I want us to kiki a
little bit. All right, I have some tea and it's
like it's dark. It's dark tea. All my tea is dark. Okay,
it's English breakfast. So there was this guy who used
to DM me and he was a congressman, and every
time I would go to DC, he's like, let me
know when you have a show, I want to like
rent out the club. I want a dah da da
da da. And I was like, Okay, anyone who's gonna
DM me and tell me they're gonna rent out the
whole club for one of my shows, I'm in you know,
mama needs to sell tickets. I will DM you back
if you say that shit. So he would be like,
I live in California, but I'm in DC sometimes and
I'm like, I don't care. I don't care about what
you do, why you're here, who you are, I don't
fucking care. And you know, I'll say. I looked at
him and I was like, this guy looks like he
got beat with the fucking ugly stick. Not in a
way that's like he's objectively horrifying looking, but he just
had like a darkness in his face. And I was like, oh,
like energetically, like I won't go near that person, you know, unless,
of course they're going to buy out an entire room
of seats and bring people to a comedy show. Then
I will shake his hand and say hello and thank you,
and that's all we'll do. So anyway, long story long,
it was Eric Sawal's saywal seawall whatever, Eric, and the
fucking roof is falling down on this guy, on this guy.
If you guys don't know who this person is, he
is a congressman for California, and I guess it's coming
out that he was like brutally drugging, raping, beating women.
When I heard it, I was like, wait, why do
I know that name? And it's not very often a
congressman dms me. Okay, I'm not a politician's favorite person,
I'll be honest, but I was like, wait a minute,
is that the guy? And then I went and I
saw he no longer followed me. But then I checked
our messages and yeah, it was fucking him, drugging, beating,
raping women. I was this close to you, guys, I
was nicked. I was nicked by the protection of the
Good Lord. That didn't happen to me. Here's the thing.
I think when people find out that I'm sober, they're like, oh,
she's gonna be a little tougher to take down. You know,
I'm a sturdy bitch. I don't know if you guys
know this about me. A lot of you have met.
You at me and person you're like, oh, you're taller
than I thought, which is the way you're gonna say.
I'm a big I'm a big bitch. All right. I'm
a farm hand. Ho I grew up in the summer bailing. Hey,
all right, I mucked stalls. I am sturdy. It's gonna
take hurricane force winds to knock this bitch over. I'm
not wafy I'm not frail. I've never Nobody has ever
once been like, oh, she looks hungry. Nobody's ever accused
me of looking hungry a day in my life. All Right,
I eat, I eat my feelings, I eat some more.
That's what I do. I eat. I'm five to nine,
all right, fine, I'm five eight in like three quarters.
But I'm five nine and I'm a big bitch. All right.
I'm one hundred and sixty pounds on a good day,
not a bad damn less. But I'm sturdy. You know.
It's gonna take like a plow to knock me over.
And sure, maybe a roofie would do it, but Rufie's.
Here's the thing about Rufe's that you don't know, but
the whole gay community knows this. If you take GHB
without alcohol, it's just like the greatest thing in the world.
If you take GGB with alcohol, you will fall into
a coma and wake up and have no fucking idea
what happened, and you're that moment of your life from
the time you drink it to the time you come
back online. It's gonna be like men in black, like
they hate you with the fucking memory stick.
Speaker 2: Like shoop.
Speaker 1: You don't know what the fuck happened, all right, But
if you just take GHB so like for me, Imagine
me and the club drinking a sprite because I'm not
drinking Dike cokes anymore because Mom can't even handle a
little caffeine or she gets crazy. You know, I'm not
even drinking a diet coke anymore. I'm drinking a sprite.
Imagine you put rufelin in my fucking sprite and then
I'm just like the chillest bitch alive. And then I'm
just like having the best time of my life. But
I still have my wits about me, right unless I
overdose on GHB, that's another thing. But I still have
like my wits about me, and I still would be like,
you know, I could throw a fucking punch, I could
bob and weave. Okay, maybe not. I don't know. I've
never done GHB without the booze, but my gaze tell
me it's the best thing in the world. And I'm
not telling you to do it, but I'm saying, if
you want to do it, do it, because life is short.
We don't know how long we're gonna be here. I
thought my dog was gonna live forever. I thought Biggie
was gonna live to eighteen. The way I was so
cocky that dog would live forever. I again, can't get
into that now, but in my heart, even when the
doctor told me, like, your dog is dying, I was like,
you're fucking hack. I was like, you're not a real
vet like this. I was like gaslighting myself the whole time.
I was like, no, he's not. He's going to live
until he's eighteen. Every time I've ever met anyone in
an airport, they're like, oh my god. I had a minbit.
He lived until fifteen, he lived until sixteen, she lived
until seventeen. Da da da da da. I was like,
Biggie's going to live forever. Biggie's going to outlive me. Okay,
life is short. Do the drugs, buy the heels. Shop.
That's another thing. First of all, I don't know who
said when you're going through grief you should shop. Here's
the thing. And I said, I'm not going to get
into this now. Maybe I am. I don't think I can.
I have to put it off a little longer. But
I will say I'll get into the nitty gritty later.
But I did spend twelve grand on Biggie in his
last week trying to keep him alive. Didn't fucking work.
So I'm out a lot of money. And we know
this year's has just been a curb stomp of a
year for Mama. I'm out in a lie out of money.
And then on top of that, I was like, I'm
sad and I feel nothing. I feel numb. Let me shop.
So I went and got myself some Ramoa suitcases. That's
a crazy purchase, by the way. That is so fucking
expensive for a suitcase. But the thing is they have
a lifetime warranty, and Mama travels a lot. And when
I tell you, I blow through suitcases like I got
Away suitcases last time, I busted through those bitches. I
got the titanium ones are their aluminum ones. And the
big one that I got, the handle stopped going up
and down, so I tried to take it in and
for whatever reason, they couldn't find my file so they
wouldn't fix the handle. It's like, hey, guy, I'm here
with your suitcase. It's clearly your suitcase. Where do you
think I got this from? Like? Why would you not
just fix the fucking handle away. I paid what eight
hundred and nine hundred dollars for that bag. Fix the
fucking handle. It's beat to shit. It looks like hell.
I mean literally, when you put an away suitcase the
first time you check it, it's gonna come back out
looking like it when you went to a fucking the
delta to bag boys went to the fucking shooting range
with it, like it's going to look absolutely fucking insane.
But like, hey, man, fix the fucking handle, and he
wouldn't fix it. So I was this was me in
the Melrose store. I was like, so you're telling me,
you're looking me right dead in the soul. Even though
I can show him on my phone where the transaction was.
I could bring the transaction up, but for some reason
one of their employees like, well, put a fucking typo
in the system and didn't register it as my bag.
So now you're not gonna fix my handle, and I
won't just get jammed and jammed. And then I was
just time because the airlines are gonna jam it down
to put it on the flight. There's a time it
wouldn't come up. And it was just this tiny little
handle and I was pushing it around with my fingertips
and I was like, I have worked too hard to
live a life like this. I have worked too hard
to live like this. And then my other away bag,
my carry on, the fucking snaps just busted off of
all of it, Like you know, the snaps that keep
the things the closed. They all just fucking broke. And
I was like, what am I gonna do? Take this
into away again? Fool me once, shame on you, fool
me twice. Fuck you. I'm buying a Remoa so they
have like an air tight customer service and lifetime guarantees.
So this is a purchase I made and I'll be honest,
Max bought me one of them, but I bought the
other one and it'll be a lifetime purchase. But it
doesn't feel good. Okay. So whoever said when you're sad,
go shop there, that's your that person's your fucking op, okay,
Because when you're sad and you shop, then you're just
sad and poor. And there's nothing worse than being sad
and poor, sad about the loss of an animal, which,
by the way, I would rather members of my family
die than me lose a dog. My losing that dog,
I would have rather gotten a phone call that my
entire family minus my dad and sister went down in
a fucking plane, and I would be like, I can
deal with that. I can deal with that loss because
you know what, their presence in my life isn't that extraordinary.
My dog's presence in my life was the most healing
part of the last twelve years of my life. And also,
by the way, I got his age wrong. Last year
I celebrated his twelfth birthday. He wasn't twelve. He would
have turned twelve on me twenty first, but you know
he's not going to so he was like eleven. Oh,
that's kay, he's eleven eleven. He was eleven years eleven months.
That's kind of nice as our angel numbers. Yeah, I mean,
losing a dog is the most painful thing in the world.
I would truly rather Yeah, I would truly rather lose
most of my family, but I would be fine. I
would get rid of him myself. If I had to
push a button that dropped him into a fiery well,
I would do that. If I could just keep my
dog forever. I would rather my mom kill herself again
then Bicky b dead. Like I I the grief isn't
even hitting me, it's not even registering. I'm in denial.
I'm angry. I'm mad about everything, you guys, I'm so
fucking mad about everything. Like last night, Max was watching
the Knicks. He's from New York born and raised, but
I've never seen him watch the Knicks game before. They
lost by one point to the Atlanta Hawks. And then
he was turned the TV off. He's mad. I was like, well,
you're mad now. I just like, I was like, what, well,
now you're a Knicks fan and now you're mad about this?
And he was like, I've lived in New York my
whole life. Can I not root for a team? I
was like, why do we suddenly care? Why do we
suddenly care every time anyone does anything wrong to me?
I'm like, let's fucking fight. I'm fighting. I'm fighting mad.
I'm in my plates class. Oh which, by the way,
my Pilates studio is shutting down, the one place, the
one place here that's been tethering me to some sort
of routine and reality. They're like or going out of business.
And at this point, here's what I will say. I
do feel like I am being rejected by palm Beach.
I do feel like you know, when your body rejects
like a fake tit, or like your body rejects an implant,
Like I feel like that's me and West Palm Beach
like they're just like, no, literally, I got here. I
got robbed by my friends. I what else happened. I
got robbed by my friends. My dog died, my studio
close Like, I'm just like, Okay, I feel like I'm
not supposed to be here. This feels really bad. This
feels really really bad. And it's funny because the last
I guy's like, do I complain too much? And someone's like, yeah,
you complain a lot. Maybe go do some community service. Bitch.
Being alive is my community service. Doing this podcast is
my community service. I can't do community service. This is it.
This is all I have in me. I would love
to do community service. I applied for a job at
a rehab and they didn't get back to me, And
I guess maybe being a comedian for ten years isn't
like super strong on a resume in terms of what
they need in order to facilitate family members of people
going through some of the most grave tragedies of their life,
which is trying to gets over or trying to help
a family member gets over. But I'm like, I will
make them laugh. Okay, I'll make them laugh. Anyway, back
to Eric Sawalls what's his name, Eric Sawwell Sawwell whatever?
This California congressman ris of course, he's the only person
who's ever DMed me from United States States politics. Ever,
I'm a big bitch. He saw that, and I think
he saw a game recognized game and he never came
to a fucking show. And I'm glad his little pit
bull looking ass face didn't come to a show. And
here's what I will say. Here's what I will say.
I gotta be you really got to watch out for
these virtuos signalers. And I've said it before and I'll
say it again. In his profile on his Instagram, which
should be deactivated, by the way, that should be the
correct thing to do is completely deactivate your shit. You're
going through it. You gotta shut down shop. Okay, You're
not supposed to be leaving this up to make it
look good on paper. It doesn't look good on paper.
None of this looks good. All right, shut it down, Chinatown.
You're out of the race. You're not gonna be the
California governor. But I looked at his bio when I
was trying to figure out is this the guy that
was dming me? And it still says, father to Dutta da,
husband to dut da da, Take it down, take it out.
You weren't a very good dad, were you? When you
were drugging and raping women in the bottom of a
fucking well in Washington, DC, When you were in a
fucking coat closet in Washington DC, strong arming a bit
you just met on the internet. Like you're not a
good person, Stop acting like you are. And Here's what
I've been saying, and I'll say it again, and I
will say it until the day that I die. Watch
out for the virtue signalers. Watch out for the girls girls,
the self proclaimed girls girls, the one that I'm a
girl's girl. Bitch. No you ain't, No, you ain't. I
saw you hit on another person's man. I saw you
hit on my man. I see how you move. You
think just because you say a girl you're a girl's
girl to the world, means that the world won't see
how you move. I don't understand why people think we
can't see through this shit, and maybe a lot of
people can't. Maybe they look riad a bio and they're like, no,
look it says here, he's a father, he's a Christian,
he's a he's a husband. No, no, no, he can't
be the one drugging and raping bitches in the bottom
of a fucking at a fucking bar in Washington, d C.
But guess what he is. Because all the people everg
you signore are the worst people in the world. And
whether or not they want to believe it or whether
or not they want to accept it in this lifetime
is their business, not ours. All we can do is
try and keep our side of the street clean, which
I'll be honest, I'm not that great at that. I
do my best. I fucking try, but it's not going great,
you know. And that's why I say I always say
I am not a girl's girl. There are hopes out
there I don't like for real, there's shit I've done
in my past and in my present that's not great.
I am not that good of a person. So if
something ever comes out about me where it's like britneit did,
X Y and Z y'all at least can be like, well,
you know what she didn't do. She didn't lie, she
didn't pretend she was something else. Because that's where I think,
that's where I think if we want to go into
a little human exploration here, I think that's where we
get all fucked up. Right, when the expectation of us
is this and then the reality of us is something
far different, that's when we start to grind up against ourselves, right,
because our egos like, no, we're a father or a congressman.
We are good people. We are a good person, and
we serve our community in our country, and we da
da da da da da da da da. But then
deep beneath that is the shadow self. And the shadow
self is like, you know, whatever happened to that man
that made him want a drug and rape women? I
will never understand because I do not have the brain
of a sick person somebody who's sick in that way.
But there are many men sick in this way, right,
did you guys see? And this is also not good news.
I'm sorry this podcast is not good news, but it's
news and we need to know it. There was an
online rape institution in sixty three million men from largely
most from the United States, went onto this private forum
sixty three million. Do you know how many? Do you
know how many people? That is? Like, I think the
person with the most Instagram followers on the internet was
for the longest time Selena Gomez. I don't know if
it still is. I think she had like two hundred
million followers. Hang on, let me look right now, you guys.
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journey to the moon. Selena Gomaz has four hundred and
fourteen million followers on Instagram. That is an extraordinary amount.
But if anyone had sixty two million followers on Instagram,
you would be blown the fuck away. They would be
getting brand deals that make them hundreds of millions of dollars.
They would be printing fucking money. Sixty two million people
is all of the people. It is so many fucking people.
It hurts my heart knowing that there were that many
men getting online thinking how I'm gonna take this fucking
course in how to drug and rape women? And I
think we would all, unfortunately a lot of us would
be astonished to know who some of those people are. Yeah,
some of them are going to be fucking losers. Okay,
some of them are going to be people that it
doesn't surprise anyone because they're scum of the earth, and
they seem like scum of the earth, but some of them,
I think it would really surprise us. I think there
would be all walks of life in there. There would
be doctors, there would be pediatricians, there would be surgeons,
there would be heart surgeons. There would be people keeping
our loved ones alive that secretly want a drug and
rape women. And that is like the dark underbelly of
the society that we live in. Is this society is
so soul sick, and I don't I think, I don't know.
I keep looking around for a sign everything's gonna get better,
and then my dog died, so I just don't. The
one thing tethering me to like safety insanity, just was like, actually,
I'm dying in ten days. From the time of the
diagnosis to the minute I had to put them down,
it was ten days. It was the worst ten days
of my life. It's a pain I can't access right now.
But what I'm saying is I think societally we're in
a lot of trouble and I don't know if there's
an answer. I wish there was sixty three million people
signing up to figure out how to save world hunger
or stop the wars that don't need to be happening
right now or just literally anything. I wish there was
people that wanted to do good instead of bad. I
wish the Internet didn't facilitate such atrocity as I wish.
You know, it's the Internet is. It's the beginning of
the end, and I miss the time before the Internet,
I really do. I don't think largely anything good has
come from the Internet. And I know you're gonna all
say I'm wrong. I understand that we're advancing as a
society because of it. I understand that as a society
we need to advance and we need to keep evolving,
and I understand that great things could happen from the Internet.
In my experience with it, it has just given me
severe anxiety, severe depression, over stimulation. I have had access
to things that I don't want to see. Like, you know,
I don't think it was better necessarily when Wars happened
and we didn't know what that looked like. But I
don't think it's better that we do know what it
looks like. It's fucking atrocious. It is bad, Like you
feel like you're on the front line of like all
these horrible things, and then your central nervous system is
just getting whipped into a tizzy until you try and sleep,
but then you can't sleep because the blue light is
keeping you awake and your brain thinks it's daytime. And like,
and I'm just like, it all feels bad, It all
feels scary. It all feels like we're just like two
cartwheels away from getting hacked into an oblivion. Claude won't
release their most recent AI because there's it's too advanced.
It could show all of the weaknesses in the security
systems that are currently in place to keep us protected
quote unquote protected. It all just feels crazy, like it
feels banana pancakes. And yes, we can be grateful, and
we can look at our insular lives and be grateful
for our body and our mind and our health and
our partners and our friends and everything. And I hope
you guys do that, because that is the only thing
keeping me from going into a complete spiral. The only
thing keeping me from bottoming the fuck out right now
is that like, I am so loved and I I
have a wonderful partner, I have wonderful friends, I have
a wonderful family. I mean, listen, my family, my sister,
and my dad. I learned in Biggie's And this is
how I'm gonna tell you about Biggie. I'm just gonna
keep dropping things I'm not going to tell you in
one concentrated story because it's all too sad. But when
I found out Biggie had stage three kidney disease, So
basically I came back from that trip to Chicago and
he was sick. He was puking and he was shitting
and he just wasn't keeping food down. And it was like,
I was like, what the fuck's wrong with you? So
I took him in. He had stage three kidney disease,
and basically, you know, the vet was like, we can
put him on IV fluids for three days, see if
we can flesh out his levels. And so I did that.
I spent a small fortune doing that. The levels didn't
go up, they went down. I'm sorry, they didn't go down,
they went up. So basically I just threw that money
down the flush it down the toilet, and then I
took him to well, actually no, then I called my sister,
called my sister, and basically the bet said, you know,
you can take him to a specialist but ultimately, his
kidneys are failing and it's just a matter of time
before he wastes away. And at that point, when I
was like, who the fuck says that to somebody, Like
who says it's just a matter of time before their
dog wastes away? I was like, Oh my god, he's
gonna like die. That was like the first time I
ever realized he was gonna die. And I called my
sister and I told her. I told her, and she's
you know, she's also going through something similar with her
with her dog right now. Her dog just got diagnosed
with something in his throat. And so I called her,
and I mean she I was like, you know, I'm crying.
I was really upset, and I was like, you know,
I just like don't think you know, And she's like, oh,
he's dead. Oh he died. Oh he died. Okay, all right,
Well the good news is he's gonna he's gonna die
and he's gonna be like she just like went to
full panic mode, and I was like, oh, this is
not the person that I call during a tragedy. Like
I was like, no, he's not dead, Like I have
to give him a you know, I have to see
if I want to go to a specialty doctor and
get him like a feeding tube. And she's like, okay, well,
the good news is if you do euthanasia, it's no
pain to him. And I'm like, Heather, he's not dying.
Like in that point, I was like, he's not dying,
and she's like, okay, Well, she's just like very rigid
with how she responds to the thing. I was like,
maybe that was the wrong phone called to make. I
love her so much. We laughed so hard about it,
but it was like, that was not the phone called
to make. So then I called my dad, and my
dad here's MyD thing with my dad. He's a hunter.
We grew up on a farm. He's very matter of fact,
like animals die before us, like doesn't get super attached
to them, hasn't had an animal in his life in
a long time. And I called my dad and I
was like, you know, biggie, I'll try to get like
and he's like, what's he convulsing? And I was like,
what is wrong with my family? Like, no, he's not convulsiing.
He has a stage three kidney disease and he's not
gonna make it that much longer and he's like, all right,
well that's the circle of life. And I guess howk
kid And I was like, oh my god, I need
I need a new family. I just need. I'm just kidding.
I don't. I love be done my sister so much.
It's just it's funny how people react to tragedy. And
there's no right way to do it. I really don't.
I really don't believe there is. Obviously, grief is such
a personal thing, and handling someone else's grief is also
it's it's a complicated thing to do. And I think,
you know, I I grieved so much. I grieved so
much in the past few days, and it hits me
in waves and I feel like I'll get hit by
a truck. But basically what happened is I took Biggie
in to a specialty, a specialist at Access at Access
BET and they're the ones who saved his life when
he was having seizures. And the guy was like, listen,
we can give him a feeding tube, and he's like,
the feeding tube basically circumvents his appetite, so we don't
need him to like want to eat in order to
get him the nutrients he needs to restabilize his kidneys.
And feeding tube was obviously an arm and a fucking leg.
It was very fucking expensive. And I was like, I
will do anything for my dog, and if you genuinely
think this will help him, I will do it. And
I'm like, you know, I called Chris and I asked
him what he thought, and he's like, well, if he thinks,
you know, this is the right path forward. And he
showed me another dog who had the feeding tube. It
was this little Yorky and the Yorkie seemed fine, It
seemed very like non plussed by the fact this feeding
tube was there. And like, did the Yorkie look like
he was about to go snorkeling? Yeah? And you know,
was the feeding tube so much money that like Biggie
would be able to eat but I wouldn't. Yeah, But
I was like, that's my priority. My priority is keeping
this dog alive and healthy. And so I did it.
And when I the feeding tube got put in and
I dropped him off, but then Max had to pick
him up because I was on the road doing shows
and he was just a different dog after that. And unfortunately,
when literally I was in the plane, like wheels up
going to Denver to meet Rena. The doctor called me
and was like, hey, I just want to let you
know that, Like, we we put the tube in fine,
but we also found a a really big mass in
his throat and I wasn't sure if the mass was cancer,
and so they biopsied it. And when I got back
from the show, the shows his wound sight had gotten
infected and this was just was not my dog anymore.
He was in so much pain and he was so sad,
and he just wasn't my dog anymore. And he hated
the feeding tube and every time I tried to feed him,
he would try and run away, but he didn't have
the strength to And so I made the decision to
put him down at home on Tuesday the twenty first,
at eleven am. But on Monday, when I was getting
ready for bed, he stopped being able to breathe and
he had really bated breath, and he was like and
I had to take him in and and put him down,
and that's my best friend, you know, that is my dog.
And I had a really bizarre reaction, like I was sobbing.
I was sobbing on the way in. But then when
I got there and I held him in my arms
to do it. I didn't cry. I didn't cry. I
took him, you know, before I took him in, when
he was having that really heavy breathing, I put him
on his pea pat and he gave me just this
unmistakable look of like, I'm sorry, I love you, but
I have to go and sorry you guys. I know
it's your Monday morning and you're like on your community
to work, and you're like, I don't want to hear
someone crying.
Speaker 2: About a dog.
Speaker 1: But yeah, I didn't cry. After I put him down.
It took me like I woke up the next morning.
Oh no, that's not true. I woke up at before
I am like crying, like mid cry. And it's just
been like such a bizarre experience. I've never felt grief
like this before in my life. You know, that dog
raised me. I was on a to destruction when I
got him. I was twenty what was I twenty four?
And I was drinking a lot and I was partying
a lot. And he had really bad separation anxiety. So
when I would go out, I would come back and
he would be like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa, And
I remember, it just broke my heart so much that
I had to stop going out so much. I had
to stop leaving the house and partying. And like, you know,
I would like he was taken care of, but he
was so loud, and he was always just like so
sad when I was gone. And I really do think
he was put in my life like under a soul
contract to help me, you know, like he taught me
how to love something outside of myself. I was I
was the only person that I had to look out
for since you know, the time I was very young,
and when I grew up on a farm, I really
resented all of the animals because they were so much work.
And I didn't, you know, I didn't really know that
I was gonna get a dog. I remember I would
just always watch my friend Mattie's dog, Goldie Hallan, and
there was this really cute French bull dog and I
loved just like having a buddy, like I loved just
like having someone around. So I got Biggie. And I
really do think his sole contract with me was to
save me from myself and to get me out of
the depths of my addiction and the depths of my
loneliness and he did that and like we had such
a funny life. You know, he was had such a
funny personality. He like minpins are a funny breed. They
don't really like anyone but their owner. And like he
would always give everyone like a side eye. And he's
not like super cuddly. You know some dogs are like
cuddly and jumpie and like give me attention and give
me love. He always was like what side eye a bit.
She'd be like, I don't fucking trust you. I don't
like you. I don't know who you are. And that's
like me. You know, he was like me. And I
remember when I went to go pick him up, he
side eyed me, and I was like, do I have
to take this dog? He doesn't like me? And she's like,
oh no, that's just his breed. He thinks right now
that I'm like, you know, the breeder was like, he
thinks right now that I'm his mama. But like he'll
get over it. But like he never stops side eyeing
me my whole his whole life. He just side eyed
me for like eleven years and eleven months, and like
I just I just love him so much, and you
know he He's the reason I believe in God. Like
when I was getting sober, I was, you know, really
struggling with God. I've told this story a hundred times.
You guys have heard it, but like I didn't get it.
I didn't understand. And I was sitting down writing my
fourth step and he started going like ballistic at the gardener,
who is outside? We are inside, we're behind glass, We're safe,
and he's and I was just like, mag you're fine,
you're safe. You can freak out if you want to,
but you're good. And I was like, oh my god,
that's how my higher power looks at me. And from
then on, I've just been like really okay with, you know,
not being in control. I've been really okay with accepting
the existence of a higher power. And you know, in
the same way that you know, Biggie's not the top
of the line of intelligence, neither can I be. There's
just no way. I'm not that smart. And so he
really raised me, and he was there, you know, I
got him. So I got him in August of twenty fourteen,
and then Chris and I started dating in June of
I'm sorry, January of twenty fifteen. So Chris and I
had him for our whole marriage, and we co parented
him through our divorce, and he just had like a
really good life. He was very loved and you know,
he had a really good life, and I did everything
I could for him, and I don't don't hold any regrets.
I feel so grateful for him. I've never experienced a
love like that and also never experienced a pain like this.
But it's like, I feel so honored to have had him,
and I feel so honored that he chose me. So
I you know, I'm going through it. Sometimes I'm really sad.
Sometimes I'm angry. Sometimes I'm in denial. Denial I think
was more so when he got his diagnosis and then
like the negotiating. You know, i'll spend this money, but
he'll stay alive for another four years, or I'll do this,
I'll do that, I'll you know, the bargaining, and you
just go kind of back and forth, and I think
that's it. Grief is a motherfucker. There's really nothing else
I can say. Grief is a motherfucker. I'm like incredibly
blessed that I have great friends and a great support
support system out here. I that's that's it. That's all
I'm gonna say about him. I love him so much.
I miss him every minute of every day. And that's all. Okay,
now that I've got the crying out of the way. Uh,
you guys have been dming me and asking me about
my skincare, and I just want to tell you what's
going on, because I've kind of been all over the place.
I've been trying new stuff. I've been experimenting with stuff.
I'm sort of on like a little skincare journey. Obviously
it transparently. Most of why my skin looks good is
because I just went and saw doctor Eric, and I
got disport and I got sculpture, and you know, in
the past i've had a little filler. That's why my
skin looks good because I take medical grade care of it. Also, genetically,
I'm lucky my You know, my dad is in his sixties,
but he looks like he's in his fifties. He still
looks really young, he always has. And then my mom's
just a pilot ash so she's I would be I
would be ashy if I was taking after her. But
I'm not. Okay, sorry, sorry, you guys. I can't stop
having this sense of humor. I wish it would go away.
Trust me. Literally, when Biggie died, I was like, my friend,
my best friend, Claudia texted me. She's like, when are
you going home? Because I ran away to Miami the
day afterwards. Mister Manhattan, Oh my gosh, Max, you guys
know Smax, Mister Manhattan took me down to Miami and
we had like a really nice night there. I was like,
I'm kind of was just like numb. But we had
like good sushi and you know, he had a few
drinks and it was a good night. But Claudia was like, hey,
w what are you gonna be back? And I was
like tomorrow, wine, and she's like, well, I sent you
flowers on Monday. And I was like, well, first of all,
he died on Tuesday, like midnight, but like Tuesday. She's like, well,
I knew you needed support before. And I was like, okay, well,
you know, I'll get the flowers when they're back, when
I'm back, unless they're not in water and then they'll
be dead like Biggie. And she was like, oh my god.
I'm like I can't stop. I'm so sorry, I can't stop.
I wish I wasn't like this. I'm looking at all
my flowers now and they are so beautiful. In the lilies,
I will say the lilies are kind of like what
I consider a funeral flower and also the best flower
for grieving because they open in stages, and I feel
like as your grief sort of evolves, so did the lilies.
So like some of them die off, some of them
are just opening. But every day my house smells like lilies,
and so I feel like reminded, you know, I feel
like his presence is kind of here with me. Yeah. Uh, anyway,
skincare back to skincare. Sorry, So I've been like futzing around,
and here's something I want to say immediately, This meticube
garbage that they're slanging on fucking TikTok, don't buy it.
I took Instagram off my phone for a little while
because it was making me just like blah, And I
immediately got on TikTok, which makes me feel less bad
about myself, but it wastes more time because I can
stay in a warm hoole for a while, which is
why it's a dangerous place to be. And I shop
a lot. I've bought a lot of shit off TikTok shop.
But this medicube that they're slang in in big bundles, no,
just no, just don't do it. I bought the big bundle.
My skin's breaking out. It feels like putting plastic on
your face because they're you know, they're promoting this this
glass skin thing that's like the trending thing is glass
skin right now. Okay, so not for medicube. I mean,
here's the thing about collagen. So their whole thing is
like everything is filled with collagen, but the body cannot
actually process collagen through the skin. My sister told me why.
Let me see if she'll pick up her phone right
now to tell us why, because she's smarter than me,
and that's pretty cool. Let me see. Hi, Hi, I'm
on the podcast. I'm on the podcast, and I need
you for a second. Oh okay, can you tell everyone
why collagen doesn't absorb through the skin. Oh uh? Do
you want a technical answer? Yes? I want both answers.
I want the one for the smarts and one for
the dumbs. Uh.
Speaker 2: Okay, Well, I think, and I could be wrong, but
I think because collagen it crossed links into fibers. So
in order for collagen to absorb through the skin, it
will need to be in its smallest parts, right, and
even when it gets absorbed, it's gonna need to slink again,
basically form chains again so that it actually you know,
makes supports underneath that skin, that dermal layer. So it
all depends on what kind of collagen is being placed
on top of the skin and whether it's actually incorporated
into the structure below.
Speaker 1: Okay, okay, great. Does that make sense for the dumbs
or was that for the smarts? I tried to hit both, okay, okay,
because I just blacked out. I don't know. I black
out all the time when you're talking. Okay, I love
you so much, thank you, Okay, no worries by let
me back? What say you let me back? Okay, thank you?
Good bye. Ah. That's a little sister, big sister right there,
my whole life. I'm just like, please let me back,
Please say you love me. No, she says, Mark, you
imagine having a sister or that's smart? Neither can I
because I just black out every time she talks. I'm like,
you know what I was thinking the other day when
I was watching the Knicks game against my will nowhere
in Knick's household. Now, I was thinking, I could never
be a referee. Can you imagine how much fucking attention
span you would have to have to be a ref
That's a gnarly that's a gnarly undertaking. I would like,
just look at because this guy like dribbled the ball
out of bounds and the ref was standing right there
and he didn't call it. And I was like, either
it's rigged or he's thinking about dinner, you know, Like
everyone's like the unfl's rigged, this is rigged, And I'm like,
can't these guys just take a break from their brains
to think about what they want to eat when they
get home, what kind of porn they want to watch?
You know, come on, we're all just people. We're all
just doing our best. We're all doing our best, and
I'll be honest, as a collective, it's not very good,
but we're trying, you know. I saw this drunk driver
the other day. Here's another thing I have to say.
The drivers in Florida are banana pancakes. These are the
craziest drivers in the world. I've never seen more more
atrocious recks than I have seen, like in my life.
I've seen probably ten like flipped over cars, like completely
ram through battering rams, Like people drive so insane here.
I don't know what it is. I don't know if
everyone's on crystal meth or if it's like the contrast
of the slow elderly drivers and then like the fast
ones on meth. I don't know, but somewhere in this
equation there must be meth, because everyone is driving so
fucking unbelievably fast and so scary that I'm like scared
to be on the road. I was going somewhere with that,
but I forgot. Okay, you guys, back to the Art
of Detachment. I want to talk more about this book
because it has been a game changer for me. I've
really enjoyed reading it, and it has made me kind
of like reframe the way I'm going through through life
a little bit. It's talking about the power of calmness
and the strength of stillness. Okay, So there's a parable
of a samurai who approached to zen Master and asked, Master,
what is the difference between heaven and hell? The Master
looked at the samurai and sneered, You're nothing but a brute.
You're too stupid to understand. Enraged, the samurai drew his
sword ready to strike, but just as he lifted his weapon,
the Master calmly said, that is hell. The realization hit
the samurai like a wave. He took a deep breath,
calmed his mind, and bowed in gratitude. And that, the
Master said, is heaven. The samurai learned that his reaction
dictated his experience of the world, and when he acted
out of anger, he lived in hell. When he found calmness,
he found peace. And this was so poignant to me
because of the situation I went through earlier this year,
Thou which shall not be named. It has turned into
our Voldemort of a situation. But I was so angry
for so long. It was so consuming, and I knew
sure I got fucked, one hundred percent completely absolutely I
got fucked. And by the way, you guys wanted an
update on that, I want you to know, Chase rule
in my favor. It is a fraud case. It's open
and clothes like done and done. So Chase ruled in
my favor. It's not totally done yet though, because we
might have enlisted the troops anyway. But my reaction to it,
my anger and my obsession and my staying in that
rage that was hell. I was going through hell. I
put myself in hell, and like, bad things happen to us, right,
And it's like the arrow example. It's like you're gonna
get shot one time with the arrow that is life,
but the second arrow is optional. And the second round
of pain and continuing to relive it and continuing to
reread it and continuing to rethink about it, that is
the hell of your own making. And I don't really
wish that on anyone because it's a hamster wheel of
death and that's it. It's just it's not life. It
is the opposite of life. It takes the joy out
of everything you do in life. And I just don't
really wish that on anyone. Here's another thing. When you're
mindto scattered, emotions take control and decisions becoming active rather
than intentional. But when you remain calm, you create space
between stimulus and response. And this is something that we
work on a lot in sobriety and in AA. It's
the power of the pause and its restraint of pen
and tongue. So it's when you're activated, don't immediately respond
because that is emotionally driven and not logically driven. So
it's like, if somebody pisses you off, the easiest thing
is to fire off an email being like and another thing,
fuck you, fuck this, fuck that. But the thing to
do to regain your peace or or I guess, not
lose it in the first place, is the restraint of
pen and tongue. So don't pop off. Even though it's
so good to pop off. It's the best speech you're
ever gonna regret, right, like you're gonna stay rhythm in wonder.
And it feels so good. It feels so good to
tell someone like, fuck you, fuck this. No one likes you,
You're a hoe, you a stank bitch, like everyone's talking
about you behind your back. Everyone thinks you're fucking crazy,
You're this, you're that. It feels so good to get
that out. But then afterwards it feels so bad. It
feels like, oh, I didn't win. I lost. And there's
a difference between standing up for yourself and losing control.
And I think that difference comes in the pause. So
just take the pause when you can. Here's the other
question to ask yourself, will this matter in a year?
Because if the answer is no, then it's not really
worth your energy. And that's tough because most things don't
matter in a year, right, so then most things aren't
really worth your energy. And it's like, yeah, you can't
get steamrolled, and you don't want people to take advantage
of you, and you don't want people to come into
your home and steal your ship. But it's like, yeah,
you know, just there there's a fine line between standing
up for yourself and losing your piece. And my dad
always says to me, he's like, you know, piece is
priceless and if you can pay for it, do it,
you know. So that is why he's lost his ass
in both divorces, because it's the piece that he's paying for.
He's paying for his peace of mind. And he's willing to,
you know, give someone some cash, some land, whatever he's
got so he can have his piece. And I think
that's really powerful and important. Good news about my dad, Charlie,
he's coming down here in like a week because he's
wiring Max's bagel shop and so Charlie is going to
be back on an episode soon. So I want you
guys to DM me anything you want to know from Charlie.
And by the way, you guys I have read all
of your responses about like what you want from this podcast,
what you don't want from this podcast. I'm taking it
all into consideration. I'm going to bring bad advice back.
I'm going to get a little more structure. I'm gonna
also I am going to start a Patreon because mama's
got to pay the bills. I think they're going to
be very like low level tiers, right. I think it's
gonna be like a dollar for an extra like fifteen
minutes of shit talking. Right, might actually say some stuff
that I can't say on here because like people are
watching me, you know, I might actually like say some
of the real tea. There's like a few situations in
particular that I do want to tell you guys about,
but I just haven't because I don't want to start shit,
you know. So the Patreon, I'm going to try and
get that up and running in the next week or two,
and then there's gonna be a second tier to the
Patreon that's going to be three dollars a month, where
it's the fifteen minutes of tea plus. I'm gonna read
because a lot of you have asked me for audio
book recordings of my book. If you don't know, I
have a book. I wrote a book called stop talking
about sex, another advice I didn't take, and I wrote
it in the Pandemic just for fun. I self published it.
I just put it out literally just for fun. So
I'm going to read a chapter a week, and I'm
going to give like commentary on the chapter. So all
of those stories are like sexcapades and fun things and
like funny stories in my life. I'll give you like
more context that I wasn't legally able to give you
in the book because I do use names and I
do talk about people that are like high pro file
individuals in there. So yeah, I'm excited for that. I've
always wanted to find a reason to do an audiobook,
so this is the way that I'm going to do it.
Do not let the behaviors of others, others destroy your
inner piece. And I think this is so important, right
because it's not only the big things, you know, it's
not only the Voldemort things. It's also the things. It's
also the little things. It's also driving when you're in
This is the best excuse I can use, because I
think a lot of us get really triggered by bad drivers.
If you opt into patience rather than being agro on
the road, you can save yourself like a whole day,
because getting worked up in traffic can ruin your central
nervous system for a whole day. Your cortisol levels strike,
so they spike so high, and it's just is it
worth it? Is? It? Is it worth it? I mean,
a guy cut you off, Okay, mister big shot thinks
he has some more important to go. Let him go,
you know, let him go, Let mister big shot go.
I just don't know. I think staying in control. The
best way to stay in control of your body and
mind is to allow people to kind of be assholes
to a certain extent, just so that you don't lose
your You don't lose your own peace. You know, you
don't want their asshole behavior to like ruin your day.
So when emotions like anger, frustration, or fear take over,
the logical part of the brain, which is the prefrontal cortex,
temporarily shuts down. In these moments, we say things we regret,
We make poor decisions, or act in ways that don't
align with true intentions. And I've done this and I
haven't just done this recently. I've done this in my
life a lot, and I've had to make amends in
sobriety for some of the things that I've done. Like,
for example, when I first got into a relationship with Chris,
he was going literally Chris and I started dating two
weeks after he left his first wife, and they broke
up because she had an affair with another guy and
got pregnant and it was like this, it was a mess,
and she completely disrespected him, and I fucking hated her. Okay,
I hated her because I'm also a blue Jay, I'm
a Taurus. I'm protective. If I'm in a relationship with
you or I'm friends with you, I will ride at
fucking dawn over nothing. Okay, over nothing. If someone spills
fucking milk on your lap, I will shoot them in
the fucking head. I am so protective of my friends
and the people in my life, and it gets annoying
to them, Like, you know, they're like, we get you're
trying to like protect, but like, also you're being fucking crazy,
you're being cuckoo nanners right now, Okay, But I was
so protective of him, and she just did some function shit,
right Like he gave her money to pay off the
rest of the car that they had together, and then
instead of paying off the car, she went to like
Thailand on a baby moon, and she just kept fucking
with his credit. She kept dinging his credit. So he
then got like, you know, she maxed out a charge
card they had together, didn't pay the bill, and then
like fucked his credit up, Like she fucked his credit
up three to times. And we were in the process
of trying to buy a house, so it was affecting
us gravely, like to the point where like, if that
bitch had a single dime to her name, we could
have litigated, but it's like it's not worth it. And
he just kept being like very passive about it, very passive.
He's like, Hey, what's going on at this? Can you
please handle this? Can you get it done? He was
like really nice, and I was like, why are you
being nice? I was like, let's go fucking burn her
house down. I know where she works. I'll go slash
her fucking tires, Like why are you being nice? And
I sent the nastiest email I've ever sent to another
human being, to this woman, this poor woman who, by
the way, life is so fucking complicated. I have no
idea what that relationship was like between her and my axe.
I have no idea what made her do the things
she did. Obviously, she probably didn't feel fucking great about it.
Nobody feels great when they get caught having an affair
and then immediately get pregnant with like this other guy's
kid who you barely know because you just know him
through an affair like that couldn't have been a safe
space for her to be and she probably didn't feel
great about it. And I went for the fucking jugular.
I went for the fucking jugular. I insulted her, insulted
her job, I insulted her partner, I insulted her child.
I'm pretty sure I called him a bastard child. I
went nuts, and and you know whatever, she never responded
to me. She took me off the email and like
responded to Chris, and I was like, no, fight me,
Like I wanted to fight this bitch. And then it
went away, you know. And then a few years later,
I at the time, I was working in advertising, I
was working in recruitment, and I was pretty much done.
I was doing comedy almost full time, and snapchat reached
out to me to work for them, and I didn't
want to, but I gave them stupid terms. I gave
them dumb as fuck terms. I was like, you can
pay me one hundred and fifty dollars an hour plus
twenty percent of the salary of anyone who I hire.
And they're like okay, and so they did it. So
I made banana bread in like four months. But when
I got hired to Snapchat, guess who was heading up
accounting there. Guess who the money lady there? That's right,
Chris's ex wife. And so then I was like face
to face with this person that I had like obliterated
via email, and I had to send her an amends
and I have to be like, this has been killing
me for years. I should absolutely not have spoke to
you like that. I hurled some the most derogatory epathets
I could have ever hurled at you. And I feel
so sorry and bad, and we have to work together.
I didn't know you worked here. She had like blocked
me on LinkedIn because it was a recruiter, so she
like blocked me, and I was like, okay, that's fair,
but like because she blocked me, I didn't know she
worked at Snapchat, so but it's like it always comes around,
you know, if you think you get away with something
like that, if you think you get away with that
kind of behavior, if you think I fucking told them
like I promise you, God will humble you. And in
that case, that's that is absolutely what happened. The paradox
of effortless action. There's a curious paradox in life. The
more you force something, the harder it becomes. You've likely
experienced this before. Maybe you struggled to remember name, only
for it to pop into your mind hours later when
you stop trying. Or perhaps you work tirelessly on a
problem and the moment you stepped to waigh the solution
revealed itself. This is a concept of Woo wei woo
wi okay. This is the concept of woo where Okay.
It's a Taois concept that translates roughly into effortless action
or flowing with life. At first glance, it may seem
like passivity, doing nothing and hoping things work out, but
in reality, woo weei is about moving in harmony with life,
acting with wisdom and efficiency rather than force and struggle.
Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is
who you are. So imagine swimming in a river. If
you fight against the current, thrashing and panicking, you'll exhaust yourself.
But if you relax and move with the flow, you
can navigate with ease. Life works the same way. When
you force outcomes, cling to control or resist the natural
rhythm of things, you create unnecessary friction. And I've felt
this a lot in my career and in my life.
I've tried to force things. I've tried to force timing.
I've you know, made vision boards and manifested and been like,
I want my movie to get made by this time,
I want my TV show to get made by this time,
and I want this, and I want this and I
want this, and then it doesn't happen, and it leaves
a sense of emptiness and void and disappointment. And then
you know, I'll look back at that same vision board
a few years later and I'll realize everything happened. It
just happened in its own time. And you can't fight,
and you can't control, and you can't you can't play god.
So like once again, releasing, just releasing and not playing
god and not fighting and know that everything is happening
in its natural order, and it's if it's for you,
won't miss you. I do want to hop into badvice quickly,
and then we're gonna do word of the week, and
then we're going to dismount for those of you who
are not doing the artist way. If you are doing
the artist way, stick around. Just know my energy is
a little low because I'm sad. This is funny. Someone's
like drunkenly dming me. This is funny. Someone just drunkingly
dming me on here. Hey, that story about Biggie ag
d tag the Gardener resonated with me. Thanks for sharing.
I'm currently drunk and I realized how easy it is
to commit to not drinking when I'm drinking. I love you,
I love you besties. Hang in there, do your best.
It's a fucking it's a wild world out there. If
you can't, if you can't, not drink, I get it, Okay,
all right, Badvice of the Week. Hey, Britt love the podcast.
Thank you, Levi, you would love your b advice. On
a topic, my best friend of fifteen plus year is
married a total loser cheater. I'm talking like used to
hire hookers, paid for nudes, was on all the apps
disgusting man. She caught him cheating before they even got engaged.
He then proposed to distract her from a shitty behavior,
which worked. We got in a huge fight after she
told me they got engaged. She basically told me, if
it's a mistake, let her make it and learn from it. Preach.
So after that I shut my mouth. I was her
maid of honor and just hoped he would change. Well,
obviously that didn't happen. They got married in twenty twenty one.
Our whole friend group has never trusted him. I just
began warming up to him this year and I found
out he had an affair while we were on my
bachelorette in March. He deleted twenty four hours of ring
camera footage and had no explanation. Our other best friend
told me this. She no longer tells me Me and
best friend no longer tells me any of their problems
or opens up to me, because she knows what I'll
say to leave his nasty ass. Obviously, she's been an
absolute wreck, drinking into an oblivion every day. Any event
we have, she just gets trashed and passes out. She's
gained fifty pounds in the past year, pretty sure from depression. Meanwhile,
this is all in the midst of my bride era.
My wedding is next month, and I feel bad about
the timing of everything. Her marriage disintegrating while mine is
just beginning. She's my maid of honor. I want to
support her through this just as much as I want
her to support me through some of my happiest moments.
I'm also just frustrated she won't share any of this
with me, and I have to hear it from other friends.
Any advice on how to navigate through this. Ooh, girl, girl,
I've been there. I've been in almost this exact same situation,
and it wasn't necessarily that the man was a bad man.
It was that my girlfriend was not ready to marry
this man, and she was kind of the bad man.
She was cheating and running around and doing all this
horrible shit, like, girl, please do not marry him. You
don't want to marry him. Then she got married, and
then she was having an affair the whole time they
got divorced. That girls with someone else. But I did
the same thing, and I will always do the same thing,
and I don't think it's the wrong thing. To tell
people like, hey, this person is not good. I do
not think this person is good for you for X, Y,
and Z reasons. You can tell them once. That's the rule.
You can tell them once. If they don't listen, you
have to zip your fucking mouth and let them ride.
Speaker 2: Like.
Speaker 1: Your friend is not wrong in saying like you need
to let me make this mistake. Certain people, places, things,
relationships are put in our lives for our own development,
for our own soul. Contracts. Right, the sole contract is
what we come down here to learn and what we
come down come down to experience it to grow in
the ways that we need to grow. Your friend needs
to grow in this one particular, very painful way. It is.
The writing is all over the wall. She's gaining weight,
she's depressed, she's wasted, she's miserable. Obviously, you're not gonna
be happy with somebody who's running her own town fucking
everyone they meet. Okay, but your friend needs to make
that decision for herself because it is her life and
all she needs is your support. And I know you
don't want to give blind support because we're not those
kind of girlies. Right, I'm going through this with another friend, right,
now who is getting cheated on, left, right, and sideways.
And she doesn't have the strength, the emotional strength to
walk away unless she meets someone else first. So she's
waiting for someone else to come. And I'm like, honey, energetically,
nobody else is gonna come because you're all tied up
in this fucking mess. But you just have to let Unfortunately,
here's the thing about people, is like, we got to
hit our bottoms on our own. It doesn't matter how
many times people told me I needed to get sober.
I needed this, I needed that. I went to jail,
and I drank through jail. Okay. People don't see their
bottom until they're there, you know. And she will have
to one day, like the spirit will have to move
through her to be like fuck this, fuck that, I'm done.
I'm better than this, I'm leaving. It is incredibly hard
for people to do that. I think the strongest of
women can get debilitated by relationships like these because they
gaslight you, they manipulate you, they lie to you, and
they abuse you psychologically, emotionally, mentally. It's abuse. Okay. So unfortunately,
what you have to do is spend all of your
energy on yourself, focus on your wedding, focus on what's
your bride season, focus on your bad bitchness, and hopefully
you can be the light that pulls her out of
the dark. But you have to be the light by
just being the light, by just being on. Okay, you're
not the person pulling somebody out of the ocean after
the Titanic sunk. Okay, you're not that person. You are
the lighthouse in the distance showing the person the way
to the land or showing the person the way to safety. Okay,
that is who you have to You have to be
a steady light. But you're being that light for yourself.
You can't be anything else for her because you already tried,
and she already ignored it. And she doesn't talk to
you about this kind of stuff because she knows you're
gonna judge her. That she doesn't feel safe because she
feels stupid. Okay, and and that is what you have
to do. You just have to be the light. You
have to focus on your season. Hopefully she doesn't come
to your bachelorette party, and oh wait, your bachelorette party
already happens, so she didn't come. You know, Hopefully the
vibes can be good for the wedding, and just tell
her this. We all got to get our first marriage
out of the way, all right. We all got to
get our first marriage out of the way to meet
mister right. There's a big difference between mister right now
and mister right all right, And you just got to
tell her that, and then, you know, maybe put some
apple juice in your champagne glass and be like, bitch,
slow down, because here's the thing about alcohol that makes
me so mad that people don't realize. Not only do
you get goofy and sloppy and shitty and people are like, whoa,
what's wrong with her? But you also get fat because
it's so many calories. Right. I think if you guys listen,
you don't have to do it. You can do whatever
you want. But if you want to see an amazing
transformation and your skin and the way that you look,
stop drinking for a month. One month. See what happens. Wait,
it's gonna fall off your chin. I used to have
like the gnarliest double chin, and yes I got kai bella,
but that only did half the job. The rest of
this came in when I quit drinking. I finally had
a fucking jaw line. I'm like, where have you been
all my life? Finally had a jaw line. I didn't
have one for so long. The glow up that comes
after quitting drinking is the only reason that I'm staying
sober through life crushing events. I've had three good reasons
to drink this year, and yeah, so just all you
can do is lead by example. Enjoy your wedding, enjoy
your bliss. You know. Unfortunately you do have to let
people make their own mistakes. That is that's life, babe.
But you're a good friend. You're a good friend for trying.
I will always try. I always tell my friends when
I don't like their partner, I'm like, this guy's a
fucking loser, loser. He's a loser, and he's mean, and
he's misogynistic and he's weird and nobody really likes him
at part he's kind of a strange vibe. And they're like,
I love him, I'm gonna marry him. And I'm like, okay,
but you know, he's a loser and I told you
I've had this happen I've had this happen before. Okay.
Patrimony is our word of the Week. Patrimony, heritage, or legacy.
Someone's patrimony can be either a financial inheritance or an
ancestral heritage. A patrimony can also be a church endowment.
That's confusing. Patrimony. It's a noun patramony, p A t R,
I M O N Y patrimony. Okay, Besti's I love
you also much. Thank you for being with me on
a challenging week. We are going to get through this together.
This world is a hard fucking place, but we are
here side by side. If you want any bad advice,
please send it to my DMS or the Talk and
Schmidt DMS is actually easier because my dms are fucking crazy,
So if you send it to the Talk and Schmidt DMS. Also,
if you're not following me on Instagram, please go to
Talk and Schmidt and follow my Instagram. That would mean
so much to me. I have to do these these
things where I plug it because I'm just trying to
grow my little baby show. So if you can also,
the Patreon link will be coming in the next week.
Look keep your eyes out for that, and then also
follow me on Spotify, Apple if you can rate me.
If you like it, you could rate it and give
it a little five stores. It would be nice. If
you don't like it, don't rate it, okay, and then
subscribe to my YouTube. It's Britney Schmidt Comedy. I'm in there.
I'm responding to you guys. I'm like, this is like
way more interactive for me than the last podcast because
this feels like my baby. Okay. I love you guys
so much. I'll see you next week unless you're sticking
around for the Artist's Way. All right, you guys week
one of the Artists Way. I what a week to
start this on. For me, it has been a real
test to my commitment to this because I'll be honest,
the sort of devastation I've been going through on a
personal level would have been a perfect excuse for me
to say, you know what, I don't want to do it.
I don't want to be creative, I don't want to
be an artist, and I don't want to know the way. Okay,
I just want a fucking handful of cookie dough and
maybe put a fucking gun in my mouth. But because
I had you guys to be accountable too, I was like,
I have to do it. I have to do it.
I must do it. So Week one is recovering a
sense of safety and it's talking about the shadow Artist.
And I love the idea of the shadow artist, right
because basically, it's like, when we're young, we need to
be nurtured and encouraged and told to like explore our
creative outbursts and our artistic inclinations and to follow anything
in the direction of, you know, anything that our heart
is calling to. If our parents were like, yes, do that,
Yes you're amazing at that, Yes see where it goes.
But usually they're like, Okay, you can do that now,
but that's not practical. Okay you can do that now,
but down the road that's not going to work. Okay,
you can do that now, but you're gonna need to
get a job. And the shadow artist is just like
beat down from the time we're very young, you know,
like when I was a kid, So my mom always
really encouraged me. This is one positive thing I can
say about my mom. She always really encouraged me. She
thought the world of me, she thought I could be anything,
but she encouraged me in directions that kind of followed
her fancy rather than mine. Right, So, like when I
was in I think I was like in fourth grade,
and it was what do you want to be when
you get older? Day? Emma. My mom had implanted in
my head at that time that I wanted to be
a plastic surgeon. So imagine being a fourth grader being like,
I want to be a plastic surgeon. And do you
know why my mom wanted me to be a plastic surgeon?
Because she wanted free tits. You know, she wanted somebody
to be able to tinkin tink on her body without charge.
She at the time had gojong gos. Okay, she had
big fake titties, and I don't know if they were
aching or if she needed she needed some sort of
modification that she couldn't afford or what was going on,
but she's like, you're going to be a plastic surgeon.
And so then I was like, I will be a
plastic surgeon. And that's what I told everyone. I was,
you know, eight years old or however old you are
in fourth grade. I don't even know if it was
fourth grade. I was an age of a child and
it's none of my business because my life is none
of my business, okay, And it's it's that time when
it's a baby artist was to think you're a baby doctor,
or you're a baby lawyer, or you're a baby something
else that pays the bills. Okay, So this is this
is very interesting because this is something that I had
to work against, you know. And I had this idea
of myself. I'm going to be a plastic surgeon. I'm
gonna be at this, and my teacher would be like,
why would you want to be that? And I was like,
I just really want to be that. Okay, don't ask
any fucking questions me and my mom will kick your ass. Okay.
So I wasn't necessarily I wasn't not encouraged to be
an artist. So here's the other thing. She also like
put me in acting classes and like tried to get
me in modeling, and like modeling is not, I would say,
the most creative thing in the world. But she was
like trying to pimp me out for my looks. And
then she put me an acting class and I wasn't
a naturally good actor, and I was scared and I
didn't like it, and I didn't like whatever I'd fancy
fucking idea she had for me to be on TV.
I was just like stop. She would drive me down
to Chicago every week, which, by the way, is you know,
it's almost a two hour drive. She would drive me
down there for these classes and I just was no good.
I didn't try. I was scared, and I didn't like it.
But that's not what I was supposed to be. That
was not my journey, that was not my passion. You know,
when I was young, I liked finger paints, and I
liked clay, and I like pottery. And this is that's
what I did this week for my artist date. Okay,
So people who are young writers are people who are
naturally gifted in certain areas. They can be pushed towards
things like you know, a writer can be turned into
a lawyer or a medical school because they're smart, you know,
like we our parents push us in directions that feel safe,
when really they're just abandoning our inner artists. So just
think of that time when you were young and the
things you like to do, and then the direction you
were pushed in and how you got to where you
are today. I think it's really important to kind of
understand how this process works, especially for those of you
who have kids, so that you can encourage them and
their inner child to pursue their dreams and to follow
it and to chase it. You know, I just saw
on Instagram yesterday there's a twelve year old kid who
has like a huge exhibition in an art gallery, and
that's unbelievable. A lot of artists go their whole lives
without experiencing that type of success. But he had that
success because he had that encouragement. And I think, you know,
encouragement on that level can also come from a great
deal of comfortability. And you know, obviously, like oil painting
is very fucking expensive, so that kid had a pretty
privileged life and probably a leg up, and maybe his
parents paid for the studio. I don't know. I didn't
look into it, but like I'm just saying, when you
have babies and you're nurturing them and fostering them, just
do the things that you wish your parents would have
done for you and your inner artists, so that you
can take care of your inner artist and not become
a shadow artist. Because I will tell you, guys, I
worked in advertising for ten years and it is filled
with shadow artists, including myself. I love to write. I
always knew I was going to be a writer. I
got very fortunate and I met Kobe Bryant when I
was in Milwaukee and he had an ad agency in
LA and he's like, you should be a copywriter. And
I didn't know what a copywriter was, but he pushed
me towards that. He's like, you're smart, you're funny, You're
going to be a writer. And I always loved writing,
so I knew that, like that would be so fun.
And he introduced me to Brian Ford, who has become
one of my best friends and longtime mentors. And at
the time, he ran Zambusy and I wrote under Brian
Ford for my internship, which was three months. But then
after the internship ended, they didn't have room for me
and the creative on the creative floor. So what they
did was they put me in creative recruitment. Okay, and
so creative recruitment is where you're hiring the art directors,
you're hiring the copywriters, but you're not doing any of
the actual work. And every once in a while they
would throw me a breathe. It was like you know,
throw the dog a bone type style, and we would
work on I would work on creative stuff and I
would get lit up. But what I didn't like about
being a creative and advertising was that creatives and advertising
were told by clients yes or no. And oftentimes I
would think my ideas were fucking brilliant and the client
would be like, I don't like it, and that would
be the end of the conversation. And I was like,
what the fuck? I don't like this kind of creativity.
So luckily I found stand up, which is the only
type of creativity where you do not get to get
told what to do or how to do it, or
there are no rules. It's you. You say what you
want when you and some people are gonna like it
and some people aren't, and that's it. There's no rules.
But advertising at its core was filled with shadow artists.
I worked at Kobe's agency for a few years, and
then after that I worked at Media Arts Lab, which
is Apple's agency. And these are some of the most brilliant,
talented creative directors, art directors, copywriters in the world. And
they're miserable, and they're getting paid money hand over fist
and they will never have to work, they'll never have
to worry about their bills not being paid. But there's
something spiritually within them that's quite bankrupt because they're almost creative,
they're almost independent thinkers, but they're not. They're still kind
of in these golden handcuffs. And I think, yeah, I
realized I was a shadow artist when I was there,
because I was like, I'm a fucking comic. I don't
belong here, I don't belong in recruitment, I don't belong
in advertising. Period. I was like, I'm a fucking comedian.
And I went out there and I showed the world
I was but I got very for I got very fortunate.
And I just want to say this too. When you
guys are starting to go into creative recovery, just know
the very early stages of creative recovery are very uncomfortable.
We don't want to be showing anyone in our household,
or our friendship circles, or anyone the things we're working on.
Whatever it is we start to work on, whether it's
painting or writing or whatever your like heart song is.
In this couple of weeks that we're doing this, let's
not show anyone for the first couple of weeks, right,
because if anyone gives this baby artist who has been
pushed down by society and parents and whatever. If anyone
gives this baby artist a hard time, we're going to
fucking lose our mind. Okay, so let's just keep everything
we're doing real private. We're here to heal our old
wounds and not create new ones. So we want to
kind of heal that part of us that wasn't nurtured
when we were young. We don't want to show someone,
you know, a painting after we haven't painted in fourteen
years and be like look and they're like it's hidious
and then we're like, ah, you know, so just be
real careful with that. And here's a really really important
line from this chapter. It is impossible to get better
and look good at the same time. So try. All
we're doing here is trying. And I remember Travis Scott
said this in an interview once, or was it a Sabrocky,
I don't know one of those two said in an interview,
since when is it lame to try? Since when is
it lame to try? People are on the internet, And
this is the other thing. People on the internet that
are criticizing critics in general are shadow artists. They're people
that think they could direct They are people that think
they could act. There are people that think they could write.
They're the people that think they can do it better
than you, and they know how it should be done,
but they're not brave enough to do it. So just
remember that about critics in general. Critics are people that
are are not brave enough to do the thing they
think in their heart they should do, and so instead
they criticize. So they're kind of like small, lonely people. Anyway.
The enemy within is the core negative beliefs, right, So
the things that I highlighted all of them. But I
need you to look at these and figure out which
ones are your own. And even if these ones don't
resonate with you, you'll have your own, which is like, here's
a list of commonly held negative beliefs. Everyone will hate me.
It'll hurt my friends and family. I'll go crazy. I'll
abandon my friends and family. I can't spell, I don't
have good enough ideas. I'll be upset with my mother
or father, or I will upset my mother or father.
I will have to be alone. I will find out
if I'm gay, I'll be struck straight. I'll do bad
work and not know it and look like a fool,
I'll feel too angry. I'll never have any real money
I'll get Okay, all these things that are keeping us
back from just fucking trying, just try. None of these
core negatives need to be true. They come from us,
from our parents, our religion, our culture, or if you're
and our if you're a fearful friends. Each one of
these beliefs reflects notions we have about what it means
to be an artist. Negative beliefs are exactly that. They're beliefs.
They're not facts. Okay, So we need to just dismantle
these beliefs. These beliefs, they're always gonna attack the jugular, Okay.
They're gonna go for your sexuality, your loveability, your intelligence,
whatever vulnerability they can find in you, they will attack.
So here's negative beliefs about artists. They're drunk, crazy, broke, irresponsible, loner's, promiscuous, doomed, unhappy, born,
not made correct. Those are all correct, I'm just kidding, Okay.
Positive alternatives Artists can be sober, sane, solvent, responsible, user, friendly, faithful, saved, happy,
discovered and recovered. Okay, there's a lot of either ores
that we have too. Like I can either be in
a romantic partnership and or successful. You know, I can
either be this or that. No, no, no, you can
be everything. All right. Here's another thing you'll notice about yourself,
and this is maybe this is one thing I've I've
learned in life and through this course, is that envy
is a compass. Envy points you to what you want
to be doing. So if there's anybody in the world
that you're envious of, whether they're a singer, an actor,
or a writer, a director, whatever they do, if you're envious,
that's a compass to something that you want to be doing.
It's an air, okay, and he as an arrow. So
use it as that, use it as a tool to
figure out what you want to be doing. Because oftentimes
when we sit down and we watch TV and we're
like this acting is so bad. This actor sucks. That's
something I do a lot, and like acting has gotten
so bad, These actors are horrible. Everyone is bad at this.
That's because maybe secretly I want to act, and maybe
I want to be an actor, and maybe I think
I could do it better. But maybe I'm too fucking
scared because the camera's scare me when it's just me
and a couch and a camera, I can do it.
But when it's me and a camera and a crew
and a script and dialogue that I have to remember,
I freak out. But I know I can do it,
but I'm so scared. I'm so scared. Okay, So what
we have to do to get rid of these negative
core beliefs is affirmations. Affirmations give us a sense of
safety and hope. At first, when we start to do them,
they're gonna feel really dumb. They're gonna feel embarrassing and
hokey and lame, and we're gonna think of a million
reasons why we shouldn't do them. But what's interesting is
when you start to say them to your when you
start to say, I deserve love, I deserve fair pay,
I deserve to have a rewarding creative life. I'm a
brilliant and successful artist. I have rich creative talents. I'm
competent and confident in my creative work. I make millions
of dollars making money. When your brain starts to fight
you against that, that's when you're gonna realize the place
that you have to that you have to find tune in,
that you have to work on the most right, So
I will say, like, my creativity makes me millions, and
I'm like, you're a loser. You have to fucking launch
a Patreon for one dollar a month because you can't
afford to do this on your own. Okay, that's what
my brain is saying. I really want you guys to
understand that. Inside of my brain too, is like a
little voice that's like, you're a fucking loser. Nobody likes
your podcast. Nobody's listening to this. Everybody just wanted it
when it was a different format with your co host,
and nobody wants to be here for just you. And
this is all very silly and you should stop. Those
are my blurts. Okay, those are my negative They're not
necessarily negative core beliefs. Those are blurts. Okay, those are
like my uh those are tough too, because some of
them are true, and they're backed by numbers, right Like Newton,
I can look at the numbers and be like, the
numbers do not lie. This is a different thing. This
is much smaller. This is not as good. Nobody wants
to watch blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah bah.
And I can go on and on. But instead I'm
going on and on. I'm just trudging forward and pushing
through the discomfort and an attempt to rewire those I'm
doing positive affirmations, which include, my creativity makes me millions,
My creativity makes me millions, My creativity makes me millions.
My creativity, that's not so insane to say. There's hundreds,
if not hundreds twenty people in my phone book who
their creativity makes them millions. Okay, but they're also still
not happy. So that's the other thing. Once you get there,
it's also just like the I don't know, once you
get there, enjoy it or I guess just enjoy it
right now because I just know you never know. You
will be amazed at the rotten things your subconscious will
blurt down and write them down. Those blurts, Okay, So
those are the blurds we have to go against. Creative affirmations.
I am a channel for God's creativity, and my work
comes to good. My dreams from come from God, and
God has the power to accomplish them. I as I
create and listen, I will be led. Creativity is the
creators well for me, My creativity heals myself in others,
I'm allowed to nurture my artist pop up. Blah uh blah.
You can read them all there on page thirty six
and thirty seven. Okay, So for the homework this week,
I every week it's an artist date. In morning pages,
I have done both of those, but I will be
very honest. My morning pages have been pretty fucking sad
because my dog died. I haven't been able to make
it three pages. I'm making it to like two. Can
you guys just do your best, Just do your best.
I'm doing how I feel. I'm doing gratitude and that's all.
My brain is pretty numb this week. I don't know
if it's like a trauma response or like some sort
of block is happening. I have been like fully numb
this week. But I will say I went on an
artist date. I took myself to a pottery studio in
West Palm Beach and I through clay and I haven't
done that since I was a kid out all right.
I used to go throw clay at Catholic Memorial in
Waukesha in summer and I loved it and I had
so much fun and it was working with my hands.
And you know when I was a kid, I didn't
have nails, so like I didn't have to worry about that.
Yesterday I had some nails. I actually got them cut
shorter so I can go through a clay again. Because,
like I really again, I didn't feel anything. I didn't
feel so inspired, I didn't feel so creative. I didn't
feel like, oh my god, like this is going to
open some major creativity for me. But I did it,
and I think that's important to show up and do it.
I made myself a coffee cup, and I made myself
a little bold, and I made myself something else, and
then I had to go to my nail pointment so
I couldn't say but I did it. And then I
have some writing to do and we can talk about
all that next week, because that's the rest of my
homework is completing the writing from this week, and you know,
talking about some of the censors, which are the negative,
nasty people in our lives who have made us to
believe the horrible things about ourselves and that we can't
create and we can't make cool shit. For those of
you who are going through this with me, I really
applaud you. I'm so proud of you. And I hope
you find some thing wonderful and spiritual on this journey.
I love you so much, besties, and I will see
you next week.