WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.040 --> 00:00:07.160 I used to think I understood my silences. Maybe that 2 00:00:07.320 --> 00:00:10.439 was arrogance, assuming I could always translate her moods, even 3 00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:13.519 when neither of us book. She'd move her behind one air, 4 00:00:13.599 --> 00:00:15.640 shift her weight, or run her thumb over her lower 5 00:00:15.679 --> 00:00:17.879 lip as she read, and I'd know she wanted company, 6 00:00:17.960 --> 00:00:20.320 or needed solitude, or just wanted to be left to 7 00:00:20.320 --> 00:00:23.000 her thoughts for a moment. We'd made a quiet game 8 00:00:23.039 --> 00:00:24.839 of it the first year, reading each other as if 9 00:00:24.839 --> 00:00:27.359 it was a prize at the end. Most of the time, 10 00:00:27.440 --> 00:00:30.559 the prize was laughter or a crooked smile over morning coffee. Simple, 11 00:00:30.679 --> 00:00:33.399 ordinary things that started to feel rare before I even noticed. 12 00:00:34.039 --> 00:00:37.240 But that Friday night, everything felt off. The living room 13 00:00:37.240 --> 00:00:39.640 had a nervous energy, as if the entire apartment was 14 00:00:39.719 --> 00:00:42.240 bracing for something. I sat on the couch with the 15 00:00:42.240 --> 00:00:44.240 book open in my lap, Something by a Shakiro had 16 00:00:44.240 --> 00:00:47.159 started three times over, not absorbing a single word, and 17 00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:49.600 waited for the key to turn in the lock. It 18 00:00:49.719 --> 00:00:52.479 was late, not midnight, but the sort of late that's 19 00:00:52.479 --> 00:00:55.200 more noticeable when you're alone. Rain streaked the windows in 20 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:58.359 the street, lights outside made scatter watery shadows on the wall. 21 00:00:59.079 --> 00:01:01.240 I checked my phone, though there was nothing. Knew, no 22 00:01:01.280 --> 00:01:03.759 text from Maya, only a dull strain of responses from 23 00:01:03.759 --> 00:01:06.560 a group chat about Saturday brunch. We'd probably skip, judging 24 00:01:06.599 --> 00:01:09.000 by how things had been lately. The click of the 25 00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:11.239 door startled me, even though I'd been listening for it 26 00:01:11.280 --> 00:01:14.439 for almost an hour. She came in quietly, almost tiptoe, 27 00:01:14.480 --> 00:01:16.280 and glanced into the living room with the tentative air 28 00:01:16.319 --> 00:01:17.879 of some one who doesn't want to wake a sleeping 29 00:01:17.879 --> 00:01:20.840 house mate. She dropped her bag by the bench, shoved 30 00:01:20.840 --> 00:01:22.480 off her coat, and seemed about to make for the 31 00:01:22.480 --> 00:01:25.560 bedroom before she saw me. Daven's sorry. I thought he'd 32 00:01:25.560 --> 00:01:29.599 be asleep, she said, her voice thin, distracted. I couldn't sleep, 33 00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:33.439 I replied, carefully, closing the book without looking down late glass. 34 00:01:34.120 --> 00:01:36.959 She nodded, but her movement seemed slightly delayed, as if 35 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:38.879 she was processing what to say while moving through in 36 00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:42.079 practice choreography. She still wore the outfit she'd left in, 37 00:01:42.159 --> 00:01:44.640 a loose black turt and neck paint flecked wide leg pants, 38 00:01:45.000 --> 00:01:47.959 boots that looked almost new. As she bent to unlace them, 39 00:01:48.000 --> 00:01:49.840 a faint scent moved through the air towards me. Sharp, 40 00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:53.239 horrible and familiar, definitely not her perfume. She didn't seem 41 00:01:53.280 --> 00:01:56.359 to notice, or maybe she did but pretended not to, 42 00:01:56.680 --> 00:01:59.920 just as I did studio Critiquran way over, she murmured 43 00:02:00.120 --> 00:02:03.519 gay in sorry, didn't mean to worry you. She caught 44 00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:06.120 my gaze but didn't hold it, her eyes glassy from exhaustion, 45 00:02:06.439 --> 00:02:08.759 or maybe from the cold out side, or maybe something else. 46 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:11.080 I couldn't quite name it, but I felt the gap 47 00:02:11.080 --> 00:02:14.080 between us, like a missing page. I tried to be casual, 48 00:02:14.759 --> 00:02:17.960 no worries, anything happened in class. She shrugged in that 49 00:02:18.039 --> 00:02:20.280 of hand where she developed recently, as if talking about 50 00:02:20.280 --> 00:02:23.520 her day was now a transaction. The usual harsh feedback, 51 00:02:23.719 --> 00:02:26.240 a few good comments, you know how it is. She 52 00:02:26.319 --> 00:02:28.560 disappeared into the bath room, closing the door with the 53 00:02:28.560 --> 00:02:31.439 soft she reserved for late nights. I heard the hiss 54 00:02:31.439 --> 00:02:34.039 of the shower a minute later, water coursing through the pipes, 55 00:02:34.280 --> 00:02:36.639 and sat there for a moment, pretending to check my phone. 56 00:02:37.159 --> 00:02:39.199 As I stood, I noticed a scarf draped over the 57 00:02:39.240 --> 00:02:41.719 back of the coat track, not her usual one. It 58 00:02:41.759 --> 00:02:44.800 was deep blue, with an unfamiliar tag and slightly stiff fabric. 59 00:02:45.319 --> 00:02:47.199 I picked it up, only half conscious of what I 60 00:02:47.240 --> 00:02:51.599 was doing. And pressed it to my nose. Not perfume, cologne, 61 00:02:52.080 --> 00:02:55.639 not mine. My chest prickled with self consciousness, as if 62 00:02:55.680 --> 00:02:58.000 I had been caught in a shameful act. It was 63 00:02:58.039 --> 00:03:02.919 probably nothing, I told myself. Shed lockers, borrowed scarbs, crowded studios, 64 00:03:02.960 --> 00:03:05.639 myre often traded materials and even clothes with cast mates. 65 00:03:06.319 --> 00:03:10.360 Still the scent didn't sit right. It lingered. Before heading 66 00:03:10.360 --> 00:03:13.080 to bed, I noticed her sketchbook on the couch, chuckle smudged, 67 00:03:13.120 --> 00:03:15.439 blade open, as if she tossed it aside in a rush. 68 00:03:15.919 --> 00:03:19.960 I turned a few pages, no finish pieces, just scattered words, 69 00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:22.319 half form figures, a quick study of hands, and a 70 00:03:22.360 --> 00:03:26.000 list of names I didn't recognize. In one margin, remember 71 00:03:26.080 --> 00:03:28.240 cam nine of em ask about it, but the rest 72 00:03:28.240 --> 00:03:31.919 trailed off. I put the sketchwik back. Maybe this was 73 00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:33.639 just the kind of thing you noticed when you spent 74 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:37.080 too many nights alone inventing explanations out of unremarkable details. 75 00:03:37.680 --> 00:03:39.639 But as I lay in bed, listening to the water 76 00:03:39.719 --> 00:03:41.919 run and the muffled sounds of her toothbrush, I counted 77 00:03:41.919 --> 00:03:44.120 at the distance we last felt. What was the word symbol? 78 00:03:44.199 --> 00:03:48.360 I suppose before the hard questions, before the second, guessing 79 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:53.719 sleep was impossible, the doubt nowed. I told myself stories, ordinary, 80 00:03:53.719 --> 00:03:56.120 innocent explanations, until the water stopped in the light under 81 00:03:56.159 --> 00:03:58.360 the door blinked out, and finally she slid into bed 82 00:03:58.360 --> 00:04:01.319 beside me, back or ready turned and too tired for words. 83 00:04:02.120 --> 00:04:05.039 Ed didn't sleep for hours. Saturday mornings used to be 84 00:04:05.080 --> 00:04:08.000 our ritual. French press coffee, the glossy sound of the 85 00:04:08.039 --> 00:04:11.400 paper fee pressed together under the blanket on the couch back. 86 00:04:11.400 --> 00:04:13.919 When we first met in that riody Oakland loft, Maya 87 00:04:13.919 --> 00:04:16.240 would bring awake with ideas, tracing her thunnail down the 88 00:04:16.279 --> 00:04:19.480 column of book reviews, inventing weird headlines for fake news stories. 89 00:04:19.480 --> 00:04:21.680 We pitched to each other for fun. I think it 90 00:04:21.720 --> 00:04:23.439 was her irreverence that drew me to her first. She 91 00:04:23.439 --> 00:04:25.399 could make somethings more feel like an inside joke. The 92 00:04:25.439 --> 00:04:28.279 hul city was in on two years? Was it only two? 93 00:04:28.839 --> 00:04:30.480 We'd met at a creative mix a pat with the 94 00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:34.800 usual assortment of idealists, failed novelists and indie start up types. 95 00:04:35.319 --> 00:04:38.360 I'd been invited by sean fellow designer, half expecting to 96 00:04:38.360 --> 00:04:42.040 ghost after thirty minutes. Instead, Maya walked up and said, 97 00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:44.040 you look like you hate these things too, want to 98 00:04:44.040 --> 00:04:47.000 conspire to leave early. If she was nervous, she didn't 99 00:04:47.000 --> 00:04:50.639 show it. Somehow neither of us left. We found ourselves 100 00:04:50.759 --> 00:04:54.319 arguing over roco Versus Richter, swapping stories about disasters and turnships, 101 00:04:54.319 --> 00:04:57.360 discovering we'd both backtacked Damousle through Spain within three months 102 00:04:57.360 --> 00:05:00.680 of each other, partners in skepticism, as Mike called us, 103 00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:03.040 both just cynical enough to dream a little on the side. 104 00:05:03.519 --> 00:05:06.560 Within five months we were sharing everything, friends, books, secret 105 00:05:06.639 --> 00:05:09.360 slices of late night pizza on the fire escape. I 106 00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:11.720 told myself, this is what life was supposed to feel like. 107 00:05:12.399 --> 00:05:14.399 After the wedding, a low key court house affair in 108 00:05:14.399 --> 00:05:16.879 the world sprawling dinner party with our friends. We rode 109 00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:18.560 the current all the way to this new, too clean 110 00:05:18.560 --> 00:05:22.759 apartment downtown, New City, New Ambitions. Mike got into the 111 00:05:22.800 --> 00:05:25.800 programme she'd wanted since undergrad. I shifted my freelance work, 112 00:05:25.959 --> 00:05:28.920 chasing bigger clients, carving out room to take design risks. 113 00:05:29.600 --> 00:05:32.120 Ours was the apartment friends crashed in after shows, the 114 00:05:32.160 --> 00:05:35.040 one with spare blankets, half empty bottles of cheap proscico, 115 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:37.319 and anne open invitation text for red for any night, 116 00:05:37.399 --> 00:05:40.279 any reason. Mayo was to houp. Her energy pulled people in, 117 00:05:40.439 --> 00:05:42.839 and I got used to being a satellite orbiting delightedly. 118 00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:46.399 She was curious, quick to smile, that warmth radiating like 119 00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:49.360 a lamp on the coldest nights. Over the last few months, 120 00:05:49.439 --> 00:05:52.040 guard maybe a year of something small but fundamental changed. 121 00:05:52.720 --> 00:05:55.279 The friend groups started splintering, a bit like friend groups 122 00:05:55.319 --> 00:05:57.959 inevitably due, but with Maya it was sharper. First, her 123 00:05:58.000 --> 00:06:00.839 face slipping into blankness at movie nights, and more cancelations 124 00:06:00.879 --> 00:06:02.759 apologies dashed off, as if she owed them more to 125 00:06:02.839 --> 00:06:06.040 herself than to meet or to any one. Studio knights multiplied. 126 00:06:06.600 --> 00:06:08.920 Her new class was demanding a step up, she said, 127 00:06:09.319 --> 00:06:13.000 real artists, not just hobbyists. She poured herself in and 128 00:06:13.040 --> 00:06:16.040 I wanted to support her. It was my idea, after all, 129 00:06:16.160 --> 00:06:18.160 to take the small apartment closed to campus, to pick 130 00:06:18.199 --> 00:06:20.480 up the extra design hours, to scrimble little more on lunches, 131 00:06:20.480 --> 00:06:23.040 out some sheet of paint money. I never resented it, 132 00:06:23.079 --> 00:06:24.920 not really, not even when she snapped at me for 133 00:06:25.040 --> 00:06:26.920 knocking on how studio door to you late at night. 134 00:06:27.560 --> 00:06:30.360 It felt like part of the deal stale, The easy 135 00:06:30.360 --> 00:06:32.519 intimacy we once had the quick jokes. The way we'd 136 00:06:32.519 --> 00:06:34.680 coordinate a single playlist for a weekend and use it 137 00:06:34.680 --> 00:06:37.480 as a running joke became rare. Our talks to turn 138 00:06:37.519 --> 00:06:40.319 practical groceries, ran transfers whether it was my turn to 139 00:06:40.319 --> 00:06:43.279 clean the stove top. The distance grew gradual at first, 140 00:06:43.480 --> 00:06:45.800 like in not forming in sulk, but after enough time 141 00:06:45.839 --> 00:06:49.879 you couldn't ignore the pull. Even our friends noticed. Jane, 142 00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:53.199 our oldest mutual friend, started texting me with invitations addressed 143 00:06:53.240 --> 00:06:55.759 only to me, if my feels up to it too, 144 00:06:55.879 --> 00:06:58.360 she'd add, as if sensing a need to soften the exclusion. 145 00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:00.480 I felt it too, but I was and ready to 146 00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:03.879 name it. Maybe it was just ambition. People changed when 147 00:07:03.879 --> 00:07:07.000 they found new creative grand But sometimes I'd wake up 148 00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:09.600 before mya side of the bed, cold, probably up since five, 149 00:07:09.639 --> 00:07:11.399 and on field two kinds of gild at once for 150 00:07:11.480 --> 00:07:14.839 resenting her absence and for blaming myself. And then there 151 00:07:14.839 --> 00:07:18.600 were the nights like Friday, un spoke, intention, unfamiliar sense, 152 00:07:18.800 --> 00:07:20.879 and that ought chilly feeling that you're the only one 153 00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:23.680 keeping the air between you both from freezing solid. So 154 00:07:23.800 --> 00:07:26.240 when my counseled dinner with friends a few weeks later sick, 155 00:07:26.360 --> 00:07:28.120 she said, I had a consent me to handle our 156 00:07:28.240 --> 00:07:30.879 RSVP at Gen's place on my own. I didn't argue. 157 00:07:31.279 --> 00:07:33.040 It happened often enough now that it was easy to 158 00:07:33.079 --> 00:07:35.160 explain away, the way one might dismiss a growin eight 159 00:07:35.240 --> 00:07:38.360 before it becomes urgent. One now arrived at Jen's apartment, 160 00:07:38.399 --> 00:07:41.079 the conversation felt a shade too careful, like nobody wanted 161 00:07:41.120 --> 00:07:44.319 to remark on my solo status. Jen asked, after my 162 00:07:44.480 --> 00:07:47.800 heard tone breezy, but two pointed, she's feeling better, right, 163 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:51.759 poor things, She's really been pushing herself. Yeah, just hi, 164 00:07:52.000 --> 00:07:54.839 lots of new material, I guess, I said, rolling the 165 00:07:54.879 --> 00:07:57.759 answer out before I had time to reflect. The words 166 00:07:57.800 --> 00:08:01.160 felt rehearsed. Making excuses for my I had become effortless, 167 00:08:01.199 --> 00:08:05.040 second nature, almost soothing. Jean nodded, Tell her I have 168 00:08:05.079 --> 00:08:07.079 some new ties for her, something to help her sleep. 169 00:08:07.519 --> 00:08:09.120 I promised I would tuck in a wedge of home 170 00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:12.199 made Piejen insisted to bring back, already knowing Maya wouldn't 171 00:08:12.199 --> 00:08:14.920 touch it. A home I found my sketchwuck on the 172 00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:17.639 kitchen table, opened a pencil, toss across the pages. It 173 00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:20.519 didn't look like she'd been drawing. Instead, I saw a 174 00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:23.079 number written, no label, just a string of digits beneath 175 00:08:23.079 --> 00:08:26.279 which she scolled camon her careful, upright handwriting. The name 176 00:08:26.360 --> 00:08:28.160 was circled, and next to it a few lines of 177 00:08:28.199 --> 00:08:31.000 what looked like reminders pick up print. Ask about light books, 178 00:08:31.519 --> 00:08:33.480 the casual nature of it, the intimacy of using her 179 00:08:33.519 --> 00:08:35.679 near first name, the lack of context stug at me. 180 00:08:36.279 --> 00:08:39.519 Who's calm? I asked my When she returned from the bedroom, 181 00:08:39.559 --> 00:08:42.159 pulling a sweater over her head, she glanced at the 182 00:08:42.159 --> 00:08:45.759 sketchbook friend for half a second. Oh, just someone from class. 183 00:08:45.759 --> 00:08:49.360 Were supposed to trade some supplies. Quick practiced, and I 184 00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:51.840 realized too shallow an answer for a person. She'd apparently 185 00:08:51.840 --> 00:08:54.320 written a number for a pencil inside her primary note book. 186 00:08:55.039 --> 00:08:59.320 Anything interesting about the project, I pushed? She led out 187 00:08:59.320 --> 00:09:02.519 a little sight, barely meeting my eyes. It's just cast off, 188 00:09:02.919 --> 00:09:06.320 probably nothing important. Don't worry about it. Then, as if 189 00:09:06.360 --> 00:09:08.519 on cue, she offered a force smile and started making 190 00:09:08.600 --> 00:09:12.080 tea abouptly asking about my upcoming dead lines. The evening 191 00:09:12.080 --> 00:09:14.799 dissolved into logistics and half hearted attempts at small talk. 192 00:09:15.480 --> 00:09:17.879 That night, in bed, I tried to reach for her. Literally, 193 00:09:18.519 --> 00:09:20.480 I slowed my arm across her waist, but she turned 194 00:09:20.519 --> 00:09:24.279 away gently, murmuring I'm white. Sorry. Love. As second later, 195 00:09:24.399 --> 00:09:28.480 her breathing slowered her body language spelling finality. I lay awake, 196 00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:30.440 trying to dismiss it all as the natural notice of 197 00:09:30.480 --> 00:09:33.039 two people working hard, pulling apart a little, but still 198 00:09:33.080 --> 00:09:36.759 fundamentally tethered. I even berated myself from my own jealousy 199 00:09:36.799 --> 00:09:38.720 for caring too much about a name in the sketch book, 200 00:09:38.799 --> 00:09:41.120 for noticing when my warre new lipstick, all worked late, 201 00:09:41.159 --> 00:09:44.519 for keeping tabs on details that rational people dismissed, but 202 00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:48.320 they ache didn't debate. Before long, the days started blurring together. 203 00:09:49.039 --> 00:09:52.480 My studio nights became her default. She grew more territorial, 204 00:09:52.519 --> 00:09:54.840 above her time, her phone, the boundaries of her side 205 00:09:54.840 --> 00:09:57.320 of the bed. She'd leave the apartment just as I 206 00:09:57.360 --> 00:09:59.919 returned home a late start to night, or I promise Lee, 207 00:10:00.000 --> 00:10:04.519 we'd walk on critiques, should message occasionally quick fragments, running late, 208 00:10:04.600 --> 00:10:07.039 don't wait up, or leaving something for you in the fridge. 209 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:10.399 One Thursday, I found myself sitting alone at our kitchen table, 210 00:10:10.440 --> 00:10:12.519 heating up left over us, sculling out and mindedly through 211 00:10:12.559 --> 00:10:15.399 headlines I'd normally read aloud to her for commandery. The 212 00:10:15.440 --> 00:10:17.960 silence felt unbreachable, so I set my phone down and 213 00:10:18.080 --> 00:10:20.840 for the first time in weeks, really looked around the apartment. 214 00:10:20.840 --> 00:10:24.320 We built our ov rolls, no screens, over dinner, split cleaning, 215 00:10:24.360 --> 00:10:27.519 duties bunched together every weekend had begun to fade, at 216 00:10:27.559 --> 00:10:30.879 first by necessity, then by neglect, then by a mutual exhaustion, 217 00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:34.519 The realizations done more than it should have. Later that night, 218 00:10:34.559 --> 00:10:36.879 bored and uneasy, I resolved to tidy up the side 219 00:10:36.879 --> 00:10:39.399 of the couch, book stacked at odd angles, sweatshirts tangled 220 00:10:39.399 --> 00:10:41.720 in the throw As I pushed aside a stack of 221 00:10:41.720 --> 00:10:44.759 gallowy flies, a glossbrochu or slide to the floor. On 222 00:10:44.840 --> 00:10:47.120 the back, I found a small map sketch in ballpoint 223 00:10:47.240 --> 00:10:49.039 with arrows pointing to a tupped away cafe. I had 224 00:10:49.039 --> 00:10:52.080 never heard my mention next to it in her handwriting 225 00:10:52.159 --> 00:10:55.120 pretty slash, hidden's last good light. There was no date, 226 00:10:55.399 --> 00:10:58.039 just a note me to see a forks. Who was 227 00:10:58.120 --> 00:11:00.840 she meeting? My stomach twisted and again I tried to 228 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:03.320 reason it away. Cosmates looking for work space. Ought is 229 00:11:03.399 --> 00:11:06.960 obsessed with light and environment, but the secrecy didn't make sense. 230 00:11:07.759 --> 00:11:10.240 Maya was always the first to announce new discoveries, new 231 00:11:10.279 --> 00:11:13.120 places that had been the foundation of our routine open 232 00:11:13.200 --> 00:11:16.919 door's shared findings. A few days later, at a gallery opening, 233 00:11:16.960 --> 00:11:18.879 a mutual friend had begged us both to attend. I 234 00:11:18.879 --> 00:11:21.600 showed up alone again. The space was all white wall's 235 00:11:21.639 --> 00:11:25.399 glass and self conscious conversation. While balancing a cheap plastic 236 00:11:25.440 --> 00:11:27.440 cup of wine, I heard my name called from across 237 00:11:27.440 --> 00:11:30.559 the room neck one of my's old art friends. Hey, 238 00:11:30.679 --> 00:11:32.639 Evan didn't expect to see you. Maya is not with 239 00:11:32.679 --> 00:11:35.399 you to night. I shook my head, adopting our joke 240 00:11:35.440 --> 00:11:38.679 about missing avant Gardjean. Nick laughed, then turned to someone 241 00:11:38.679 --> 00:11:40.480 else and said, I could have sworn. I saw my 242 00:11:40.600 --> 00:11:44.200 here last Saturday with that guy. What's his name, tall glasses, kindest, gruffy. 243 00:11:44.720 --> 00:11:48.360 His friend shrugged. She was here. Neither of them could 244 00:11:48.399 --> 00:11:51.159 remember the name. Seemed like they were having fun, though 245 00:11:51.279 --> 00:11:53.679 lot of laughing. Laughed so hard she had to sit down. 246 00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:56.559 Nick didn't notice my paws or the quickening of my heart. 247 00:11:57.120 --> 00:11:59.519 I let the conversation drift, not wanting to expose the 248 00:11:59.559 --> 00:12:02.440 knot in my life. Est it was of course possible 249 00:12:02.480 --> 00:12:05.360 Maya had been here with friends, but she hadn't mentioned it, 250 00:12:05.399 --> 00:12:08.480 not even in passing. I replayed her movements last weekend 251 00:12:08.480 --> 00:12:10.720 in my mind, realizing for the first time that I 252 00:12:10.720 --> 00:12:13.399 didn't know where she been. When I returned home, I 253 00:12:13.440 --> 00:12:16.960 sat down and scolded through my social feeds. Her Insagram, 254 00:12:17.000 --> 00:12:18.720 which used to be a real time roll of messy 255 00:12:18.759 --> 00:12:22.200 studio shots and group selfis now curated post photos. Still 256 00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:26.000 lives city scenes areful close ups. If I looked closer, 257 00:12:26.000 --> 00:12:28.399 there were coded captions finding the edge of the blue 258 00:12:28.559 --> 00:12:30.320 under a photo of two or of a lapping Coffee 259 00:12:30.320 --> 00:12:33.080 cups or hidden places make the best stories the week 260 00:12:33.120 --> 00:12:35.639 before under a photo that didn't show her or any friends. 261 00:12:36.200 --> 00:12:38.200 When I tried to recall the last time she mentioned me, 262 00:12:38.200 --> 00:12:41.919 ipposted a picture of us. I couldn't remember. Months at least, 263 00:12:42.600 --> 00:12:45.840 I told myself social medium meant nothing. Then I realized 264 00:12:45.840 --> 00:12:49.080 that in relationships, especially created opened ones, these small omissions 265 00:12:49.080 --> 00:12:51.919 tallied over time, and perhaps they did mean something. In 266 00:12:51.960 --> 00:12:55.440 the next week, I noticed Maya's spending changed. I handled 267 00:12:55.480 --> 00:12:57.879 most of our joint accounts more out of habit than necessity. 268 00:12:58.519 --> 00:13:01.039 While running the numbers for our monthly transfer I saw 269 00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:03.480 to and familiar restaurant charges, both late at night, both 270 00:13:03.480 --> 00:13:07.039 the places Maya had never once mentioned. Furious asked her 271 00:13:07.080 --> 00:13:09.799 in passing about her new taste in bistro's. She was 272 00:13:09.919 --> 00:13:14.200 visibly startled by the question, lips forming a tight defensive line. Oh, 273 00:13:14.240 --> 00:13:16.519 it was just with cast mates after critiques. You know, 274 00:13:16.759 --> 00:13:20.399 everyone decompresses. Her answer was plausible, but something in her 275 00:13:20.399 --> 00:13:23.600 tone didn't add up. She avoided eye contact, busied herself 276 00:13:23.600 --> 00:13:26.679 wiping down the counter. I wanted to ask for details, 277 00:13:26.840 --> 00:13:30.440 but even I hated what that would sound like, spicious needy. Instead, 278 00:13:30.519 --> 00:13:32.600 I let the silence linger just to be too long, 279 00:13:32.759 --> 00:13:36.279 carving out another small crater in our conversations. My started 280 00:13:36.320 --> 00:13:39.600 getting creative with her artwalk excuses. She text me mid 281 00:13:39.639 --> 00:13:42.240 afternoon gallery call with a group back late. She became 282 00:13:42.320 --> 00:13:44.799 territorial about her phone, guarding it even when it buzzed 283 00:13:44.840 --> 00:13:46.759 on the table, never leaving a charge a side up 284 00:13:46.759 --> 00:13:49.600 as she once had group chots of class planning. I 285 00:13:49.679 --> 00:13:53.919 told myself I felt childish for even noticing. One Saturday, 286 00:13:54.000 --> 00:13:56.519 after she left for a portfolio review, I ran into 287 00:13:56.559 --> 00:13:58.480 one of her classmates to the cafe down the street. 288 00:13:59.120 --> 00:14:01.679 I asked if my prepping for finals and innocent fish 289 00:14:01.679 --> 00:14:05.519 for information. She left early last night. Her classmate replied, 290 00:14:06.200 --> 00:14:08.440 wanted to get home. I think said she was tired. 291 00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:12.120 He looked honest, unconcerned, didn't seem to realize the impact 292 00:14:12.120 --> 00:14:15.200 of his words. I nodded act him. Tried to look atual, 293 00:14:15.759 --> 00:14:18.720 but the detail stunne. Maya told me she'd be outlaid 294 00:14:18.720 --> 00:14:21.399 working on critiques with classmates. Claimed group work was keeping 295 00:14:21.440 --> 00:14:24.480 her later than she liked. That pulled me in all directions. 296 00:14:25.240 --> 00:14:26.799 Was this the normal wear and tear of a young 297 00:14:26.840 --> 00:14:30.759 marriage overtaken by creative ambition? Was I imagining connections whether 298 00:14:30.919 --> 00:14:34.159 or none? Or affirming the suspicion I tried desperately to shake. 299 00:14:34.320 --> 00:14:37.200 Was there something or some one Meyer was hiding? The 300 00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:39.480 more I tried to bridge the gap, the wider it yawned. 301 00:14:40.000 --> 00:14:42.440 At dinner with friends, Dan cornered me while Mey was 302 00:14:42.440 --> 00:14:45.919 in the bathroom. Is everything okay? She asked for Brasford, 303 00:14:45.960 --> 00:14:49.600 her voice lowered. She seemed so far away. I found 304 00:14:49.639 --> 00:14:53.279 myself defending Myer's work schedule, rationalizing her absence, picking over 305 00:14:53.320 --> 00:14:56.519 stories to find the most palatable version. Back home, I 306 00:14:56.559 --> 00:14:58.759 confess my worries if only to my own reflection in 307 00:14:58.759 --> 00:15:01.799 the bathroom mirror. I told myself my was entitled to 308 00:15:01.840 --> 00:15:04.639 her own world, her own secrets, or own orbit. I 309 00:15:04.679 --> 00:15:06.799 wanted desperately for her to choose to invite me in, 310 00:15:07.159 --> 00:15:09.639 rather than be cajoled or tricked. It was at this 311 00:15:09.679 --> 00:15:11.879 point that Cam became a fixture in my thoughts, a 312 00:15:11.960 --> 00:15:14.600 name just strange enough to be unfamiliar, discommon enough to 313 00:15:14.600 --> 00:15:17.360 seem none, the script, a place holder, the shape in 314 00:15:17.360 --> 00:15:21.000 the fog. I found myself wondering, was Meyer escaping into 315 00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:23.799 new circles or was she building a world apart where 316 00:15:23.799 --> 00:15:26.320 the gallery visits heroine or shared with others she'd rather 317 00:15:26.360 --> 00:15:28.799 I didn't meet. I held off for as long as 318 00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:31.559 I could. I told myself I trusted her because I did, 319 00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:34.320 because I always had. That had been the deal. Mutual 320 00:15:34.360 --> 00:15:38.639 support created freedom, no clinging, no neediness. I tried to 321 00:15:38.679 --> 00:15:41.320 live by that, even when Maya's actions tested the boundaries 322 00:15:41.320 --> 00:15:44.120 of what it meant. The ache of not knowing grew sharper, 323 00:15:44.240 --> 00:15:46.679 but I forced myself to wait, hoping time or openness 324 00:15:46.679 --> 00:15:48.919 of one honest conversation would make sense of it all. 325 00:15:49.480 --> 00:15:51.919 This limbot dragged on dozens of tiny moments that cut 326 00:15:51.919 --> 00:15:54.519 shop at than one grand betrayal ever could There were 327 00:15:54.559 --> 00:15:57.279 the times I came home to find Maya's lap up closed, locked, 328 00:15:57.320 --> 00:15:59.559 sometimes stashed away where she'd never bothered to hide it. 329 00:15:59.600 --> 00:16:03.279 Before she stopped sharing her studio playlist with me, she 330 00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:05.759 started correcting me in small ways. Oh deep, my granola 331 00:16:05.960 --> 00:16:08.440 I needed for lunches, instead of our old running joke 332 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:11.919 of stealing each other's snacks a fortress built brick by brick, 333 00:16:12.639 --> 00:16:14.960 but then as off. Sensing how close things were to snapping, 334 00:16:15.080 --> 00:16:17.559 Maya surprised me one Thursday night over Chinese takeout, eton 335 00:16:17.559 --> 00:16:19.480 straight from the cotton at our dining table and almost 336 00:16:19.519 --> 00:16:23.000 forgotten routine. She put her chopsticks down, looked me in 337 00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:25.000 the eye, and said, do you want to get away 338 00:16:25.000 --> 00:16:28.879 this weekend? I blinked, you mean, like, actually out of 339 00:16:28.879 --> 00:16:32.200 the city. She nodded, just a day or two. I 340 00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:34.320 want to reset things between us, Evan, I know I've 341 00:16:34.360 --> 00:16:36.679 been hard to reach. It was the first time in 342 00:16:36.759 --> 00:16:40.039 week she'd acknowledged the distance. I agree instantly, not just 343 00:16:40.080 --> 00:16:42.879 out of hope but relief. The week end trip was 344 00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:47.559 surprisingly exactly what we'd needed. Maya was present, attentive, She 345 00:16:47.639 --> 00:16:49.519 pulled me in, let me touch her lingered of her 346 00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:51.559 old joke's trace circles on my arm. As we lay 347 00:16:51.559 --> 00:16:54.000 in the two hard hotel bed. She showed me her 348 00:16:54.039 --> 00:16:56.879 new sketches, talked openly about criticism at the art studio, 349 00:16:57.039 --> 00:16:59.440 listened as I vented about client work, even tease me 350 00:16:59.440 --> 00:17:02.200 about my growl portfolio of boring logos for tick firms. 351 00:17:02.879 --> 00:17:05.079 That night, we made love for the first time in weeks. 352 00:17:05.759 --> 00:17:08.640 I tried not to overread every gesture. I wanted to 353 00:17:08.640 --> 00:17:10.759 believe this could be the reset, the much needed break 354 00:17:10.759 --> 00:17:13.519 from spiral in doubts. For the first time in a 355 00:17:13.559 --> 00:17:15.720 long time, I let myself believe that things might be 356 00:17:15.759 --> 00:17:18.400 okay Back at home. The glow lasted for a day 357 00:17:18.519 --> 00:17:20.960 or two. Male left me coffee in the French bress 358 00:17:20.960 --> 00:17:23.000 one morning, scribbled a hard on a sticky note she 359 00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:25.799 pressed to the bedroom mirror. I treasured it even as 360 00:17:25.839 --> 00:17:29.279 part of me brace for disappointment, and it came inevitably 361 00:17:29.319 --> 00:17:32.480 and too soon. While collecting laundry from our shared closet, 362 00:17:32.559 --> 00:17:34.160 a note slipped out of the pocket of myes coat, 363 00:17:34.240 --> 00:17:36.960 heavy ivory paper, the edges a bit worn. I'd almost 364 00:17:37.000 --> 00:17:39.000 tossed its side before I saw the handwriting, and the 365 00:17:39.000 --> 00:17:41.279 way was addressed to my thank you for an incredible 366 00:17:41.279 --> 00:17:44.000 midnight walk in the stories only we could tell Cam. 367 00:17:44.000 --> 00:17:47.920 My body tensed. The phrasing was intimately ambiguous, but only 368 00:17:47.960 --> 00:17:50.119 if he wanted it to be. I stared at the 369 00:17:50.200 --> 00:17:52.160 envelope for a full minute, as if filling it to 370 00:17:52.160 --> 00:17:55.079 confess its secrets. My return. Just as I was tucking 371 00:17:55.160 --> 00:17:58.200 it back in place, she caught me nearly, her eyes 372 00:17:58.240 --> 00:17:59.880 briefly flicking to the pocket, as if she had seen 373 00:17:59.880 --> 00:18:03.559 a ghost. What's up, she asked, a little too blathe. 374 00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:06.359 I held out the note. Found this in your coat? 375 00:18:06.480 --> 00:18:11.079 Camshan's important, she laughed, light, but with an uncomfortable edge. Oh, 376 00:18:11.160 --> 00:18:13.079 Kem's just an art friend. We went for a walk 377 00:18:13.119 --> 00:18:15.279 after critique, and he's obsessed with the city is hidden 378 00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:19.279 tunnels harmless? He thanks everyone for everything, you know. I nodded, 379 00:18:19.400 --> 00:18:23.160 letting the subject drop. What more could I say? The evidence, 380 00:18:23.200 --> 00:18:25.960 if it even was the evidence? Refused to confess. Mike 381 00:18:25.960 --> 00:18:28.079 could up fox me with ease. Now answers delivered too 382 00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:31.519 swiftly for me to challenge in private, I admitted defeat. 383 00:18:32.160 --> 00:18:34.680 If Maya's energy had returned, it was only because she 384 00:18:34.759 --> 00:18:38.160 wanted it to you, not because we'd solved anything. If anything, 385 00:18:38.240 --> 00:18:40.720 the note only confirmed would I already suspected A weekend 386 00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:42.279 wee may have been a brief until loot, but the 387 00:18:42.279 --> 00:18:46.680 fundamental question remained and change. I started making plans, not 388 00:18:46.839 --> 00:18:51.400 drastic ones, not confrontational, just steps I suppose toward understanding 389 00:18:51.400 --> 00:18:54.079 the truth. I decided to visit the cafe from Maya's 390 00:18:54.079 --> 00:18:56.720 hand drawn map. I wanted to see it for myself, 391 00:18:56.839 --> 00:18:59.160 maybe catch a glimpse of this life shed constructed just 392 00:18:59.200 --> 00:19:01.599 out of reach of my aly orbit. I went on 393 00:19:01.640 --> 00:19:03.720 a Tuesday, the time marked on the map, three forty 394 00:19:03.720 --> 00:19:06.160 five of them. The cafe was all exposed, brick and 395 00:19:06.319 --> 00:19:09.720 edison bulbs are already three quarters full with students and freelances. 396 00:19:10.160 --> 00:19:12.400 I ordered coffee and weed it, scanning for faces I 397 00:19:12.480 --> 00:19:16.480 might recognize. Twenty minutes later, Meyer appeared, coat buttoned up, 398 00:19:16.519 --> 00:19:20.160 scar fleeped carefully around her neck. She glanced around, sat 399 00:19:20.200 --> 00:19:22.880 at small table by the window. Two minutes after that, 400 00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:26.079 a man slid into the seat across from her. Young, tall, thin, 401 00:19:26.119 --> 00:19:28.759