WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:07.480 The oven's warmth escapes into the cold Denver night. As 2 00:00:07.519 --> 00:00:10.279 I pull the Lazagner out and realize I've set one 3 00:00:10.320 --> 00:00:14.199 too many places again. Our apartment above Larama Street glows 4 00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:17.719 all that buttery artificial yellow against a world going thick 5 00:00:17.760 --> 00:00:21.519 with January frost. The sculpture Marissa found at that estate 6 00:00:21.640 --> 00:00:24.600 sail sits where sunlight used to pool. The corners of 7 00:00:24.679 --> 00:00:28.320 our loft sharp in the quiet. I gather plates, absently 8 00:00:28.399 --> 00:00:32.320 checking my phone. She's still not home, no surprise, but 9 00:00:32.439 --> 00:00:36.159 I thought to night might be different Tuesday nights. Lately, 10 00:00:36.399 --> 00:00:41.159 she's always late. There's a text gallery crowd s running 11 00:00:41.240 --> 00:00:44.719 late again. Might be a wild sorry love sent forty 12 00:00:44.719 --> 00:00:47.759 two minutes ago, followed by a little paint palette emoji. 13 00:00:48.159 --> 00:00:50.799 I stir the sauce one more time, push my phone 14 00:00:50.840 --> 00:00:53.759 across the table and try not to let disappointments seep 15 00:00:53.799 --> 00:00:57.479 in like cold through the windows. I remind myself it's good. 16 00:00:57.840 --> 00:01:01.600 She's excited, passionate, She's found and energy in these volunteer 17 00:01:01.719 --> 00:01:05.439 gallery nights, the kind of energy I remember from when 18 00:01:05.439 --> 00:01:09.079 we met. Before days fell into routine and her sketch 19 00:01:09.159 --> 00:01:12.719 pads started gathering dust, and she complained about the way 20 00:01:12.959 --> 00:01:16.719 sunlight look the same every day. I eat half my 21 00:01:16.799 --> 00:01:21.239 meal alone, listening to simmering city street sounds below. Occasionally 22 00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:24.239 I hear a couple laugh, cars rumbling over the brickwork, 23 00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:27.439 the low hum of winter night life, people going places 24 00:01:27.480 --> 00:01:30.640 together after dishes clatter in the sink. I wipe my 25 00:01:30.680 --> 00:01:34.079 hands and drift to the couch, scrolling through Instagram stories 26 00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:37.719 out of boredom. My eyes drift, not really reading captions. 27 00:01:37.920 --> 00:01:40.840 When a familiar face stares back from a neon lit room, 28 00:01:41.079 --> 00:01:44.719 Lee's profel a looping video tagged Blue Note Jazz Bar. 29 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:49.239 The camera pans Lee in the foreground, then swings wide 30 00:01:49.280 --> 00:01:52.519 to a little crowd at the bar, And there Marissa, 31 00:01:52.799 --> 00:01:56.319 perched on a stool, laughing, cocktail, glass in hand, her 32 00:01:56.319 --> 00:01:59.760 face half lit, a burst of green and gold. She 33 00:01:59.799 --> 00:02:01.799 never never told me she'd be at Blue Note to night. 34 00:02:02.920 --> 00:02:05.920 The second pass, my hand trembling. I freeze the video 35 00:02:06.000 --> 00:02:09.280 and look for who's beside her. The angle's tricky, just 36 00:02:09.319 --> 00:02:12.639 a shoulder, something olive colored, may be a man's jacket. 37 00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:15.879 But the time stamp reads eight thirty four p m, 38 00:02:16.240 --> 00:02:19.039 exactly the time she texted to say the gallery opening 39 00:02:19.439 --> 00:02:23.960 was still happening downtown. Blue Note isn't anywhere close. It's 40 00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:27.240 tucked into five points, not even in walking range from 41 00:02:27.240 --> 00:02:30.240 the gallery she's supposed to be at to night. I 42 00:02:30.319 --> 00:02:33.479 sit back, pulse ringing hard in my ears. My first 43 00:02:33.479 --> 00:02:36.800 instinct is to laugh. It's probably nothing. Maybe the team 44 00:02:36.840 --> 00:02:39.400 from the gallery wrapped up early, dropped by for a drink. 45 00:02:39.759 --> 00:02:42.800 Marissa hates missing out. She loves jazz. I nearly tap 46 00:02:42.840 --> 00:02:45.719 out a quick message, blue Note to night looks fun. 47 00:02:46.120 --> 00:02:48.840 Then I pause. Wouldn't she have told me? I study 48 00:02:48.879 --> 00:02:52.080 the video again. She's vibrant, hair tumbling from her clip, 49 00:02:52.319 --> 00:02:56.240 face luminous in the bar's warped blue light. I feel 50 00:02:56.240 --> 00:02:59.560 a strange resentment that she's having a better night than 51 00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:03.960 the one planned. When Marissa finally comes home, the front 52 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:06.800 door blows open with a whirl of cold and perfume, 53 00:03:07.240 --> 00:03:11.120 her new one sharp and unfamiliar. She's almost humming as 54 00:03:11.120 --> 00:03:14.400 she shakes out her hair, cheeks pink, clutching her coat 55 00:03:14.479 --> 00:03:19.159 and some gallery mailers wild night. I tried to sound casual, 56 00:03:19.520 --> 00:03:23.159 just this side of joking, she grins, tossing her bag 57 00:03:23.240 --> 00:03:26.439 to the sofa. You wouldn't believe the drama. One of 58 00:03:26.439 --> 00:03:29.639 the sculptors trashed his own piece after the board criticized it. 59 00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:33.639 I'm exhausted, but it was good for the gallery's Instagram 60 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:38.360 at least. She flits around, peeling off layers, avoiding my gaze. 61 00:03:38.759 --> 00:03:42.080 Her fingers linger on her phone, thumbing the screen, quickly 62 00:03:42.159 --> 00:03:45.520 pocketing it. I want to ask, why didn't you tell 63 00:03:45.560 --> 00:03:48.120 me about blue note? Who was there with you? But 64 00:03:48.240 --> 00:03:51.840 instead I offer you eat. My voice sounds deliberately neutral. 65 00:03:52.240 --> 00:03:54.520 She shakes her head, says she grabbed something at the 66 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:59.080 gallery potluck. Her stories are bright, mannic, nearly breathless names. 67 00:03:59.080 --> 00:04:03.199 I only half recked someone's amazing stencil work, a quote 68 00:04:03.240 --> 00:04:07.439 from the director. She never mentions the jazz bar. I 69 00:04:07.560 --> 00:04:10.439 let her talk, nodding when I'm supposed to, feeling the 70 00:04:10.479 --> 00:04:14.159 divide settle between us, like dust on old paintings. When 71 00:04:14.159 --> 00:04:16.879 she changes into sweats and slips into bed with a book, 72 00:04:17.279 --> 00:04:20.639 I stare at the ceiling, listening to winter traffic, feeling 73 00:04:20.680 --> 00:04:24.040 a line inside me pulled taut. I don't know exactly 74 00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:27.439 what shifted to night, but something did, the beginnings of 75 00:04:27.480 --> 00:04:31.160 a frayed edge. I can't stop picking. It's easier to 76 00:04:31.199 --> 00:04:34.199 remember the past before it started unraveling, so I let 77 00:04:34.199 --> 00:04:38.040 myself drift there. Eight years ago. I wasn't someone who 78 00:04:38.040 --> 00:04:40.199 stared at the clock or watched for clues. In my 79 00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:44.160 wife's words, I was a teacher, a little adrift, hunting 80 00:04:44.160 --> 00:04:46.800 for inspiration at art co op shows when I could 81 00:04:46.800 --> 00:04:50.759 still taste optimism. The night I met Marissa, she wore 82 00:04:50.839 --> 00:04:55.000 silver hoop earrings paint on her finger tips. She debated 83 00:04:55.040 --> 00:04:58.399 with a stranger about Rothkoe until the gallery owner begged 84 00:04:58.399 --> 00:05:01.800 for mercy, laughing off the attention. Her tone and gestures 85 00:05:01.800 --> 00:05:06.839 were attracting. When we locked eyes. It was instant recognition, kindred, 86 00:05:07.079 --> 00:05:10.120 I'd thought later, though admitting it out loud would make 87 00:05:10.160 --> 00:05:14.920 me sound naive. We talked about color and silence in paintings, 88 00:05:15.000 --> 00:05:17.959 swapping stories about what we'd make if time was infinite. 89 00:05:18.360 --> 00:05:20.279 I tried to impress her with the one time I 90 00:05:20.360 --> 00:05:23.759 sold a water color at a charity auction. She barely noticed, 91 00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:27.319 instead quizzing me about what drove me to teach. She 92 00:05:27.399 --> 00:05:30.920 hated the idea of settling, not in people, not in art, 93 00:05:31.560 --> 00:05:35.079 that anti complacency. Her urge to seek novelty made her 94 00:05:35.120 --> 00:05:39.759 magnetic but sometimes hard to hold. Three months later, we 95 00:05:39.800 --> 00:05:42.519 moved in together above an old bakery on Grant Street. 96 00:05:43.040 --> 00:05:47.560 Every wall became a canvas, sketches, half finished pieces, notes 97 00:05:47.639 --> 00:05:50.759 scrawled on butcher paper. She'd worked late into the night 98 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:54.319 with her laptop glowing Spotify, feeding her a steady diet 99 00:05:54.319 --> 00:05:58.360 of lo fi and late nineties hip hop. I'd grade papers, 100 00:05:58.600 --> 00:06:02.360 trying to believe my student stick figure horses really looked 101 00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:07.079 like horses. Our friends called us almost telepathic. At parties, 102 00:06:07.439 --> 00:06:11.120 we could finish a sentence, predict each other's critique without fighting. 103 00:06:11.800 --> 00:06:15.560 Sunday mornings, we'd sprawl in bed, reading and sketching side 104 00:06:15.560 --> 00:06:19.759 by side, toes tangled under the duvet. For years, it 105 00:06:19.839 --> 00:06:22.480 felt like the world was just us and our ideas. 106 00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:27.399 But things shifted over time. Marissa took more freelance gigs 107 00:06:27.439 --> 00:06:30.560 than she could handle, clients from bigger and bigger agencies. 108 00:06:30.759 --> 00:06:34.519 The rare magazines spread. I swapped grades for lesson plans, 109 00:06:34.759 --> 00:06:38.439 the work both endlessly needed and barely paid. We promised 110 00:06:38.480 --> 00:06:41.560 each other independence. She claimed the sunniest corner of the 111 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:44.160 loft for her desk. I'd set up a studio in 112 00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:47.759 the den. For a while, it worked. We understood each 113 00:06:47.759 --> 00:06:53.000 other's silences and small irritations. Sometimes her determination to seek 114 00:06:53.199 --> 00:06:57.079 the next thing provoked jokes. She accused me of loving routines. 115 00:06:57.439 --> 00:07:00.040 I teased her for being addicted to first drafts and 116 00:07:00.120 --> 00:07:06.319 unfinished plans. Underneath it all fit fire, then comfort. Our 117 00:07:06.360 --> 00:07:09.879 families kept their distance. My parents retired in a speck 118 00:07:09.920 --> 00:07:12.639 of a town east of Grand Junction, more at home 119 00:07:12.680 --> 00:07:15.839 in fields than galleries, too proud to admit they missed me, 120 00:07:16.360 --> 00:07:20.519 They called, but never visited. Marisa's mother, sharp as attack 121 00:07:20.680 --> 00:07:24.480 and critical in ways. Marissa recented flew in from California 122 00:07:24.519 --> 00:07:28.720 for Christmas or the occasional birthday, dropping pointed comments about 123 00:07:28.800 --> 00:07:32.600 getting serious, which meant something neither of us really understood. 124 00:07:33.600 --> 00:07:36.879 The fifth year, the cracks showed Marissa had cycles of 125 00:07:36.959 --> 00:07:41.199 restless ambition, big projects, months of introspection, distracting herself with 126 00:07:41.279 --> 00:07:44.199 new skills. I'd retreat to the steady rhythm of school, 127 00:07:44.199 --> 00:07:48.199 football games, potlucks. Our shared accounts stretched thin. Her work 128 00:07:48.279 --> 00:07:52.000 was sporadic, mine barely enough for city rent. Sex, once 129 00:07:52.040 --> 00:07:55.800 impulsive group of functory, then faded beneath a mounting fatigue. 130 00:07:55.800 --> 00:07:59.319 We treated with sarcasm or silence, But still we were 131 00:07:59.360 --> 00:08:03.519 each other's per if imperfect at least known. I try 132 00:08:03.519 --> 00:08:06.560 to remember those years as the anchor, the contexts that 133 00:08:06.639 --> 00:08:10.079 made me want to defend us, not doubt her. Maybe 134 00:08:10.079 --> 00:08:14.279 that's why when Marissa started recounting her new gallery volunteer 135 00:08:14.399 --> 00:08:17.439 gig with the same nervous excitement she used to have 136 00:08:17.519 --> 00:08:21.639 about life changing commissions, I felt both relieved and afraid. 137 00:08:22.800 --> 00:08:26.240 It started innocently. A former client needed someone to help 138 00:08:26.319 --> 00:08:30.079 coordinate with the local galleries archives just until they finished 139 00:08:30.079 --> 00:08:35.200 a renovation. Marissa threw herself in meetings, event nights, social 140 00:08:35.240 --> 00:08:39.480 posts scheduled at odd hours. Suddenly I'd hear about Carmine, 141 00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:42.759 the ferocious printmaker, or Sylvia who should have had a 142 00:08:42.799 --> 00:08:48.360 Guggenheim years ago. She recounted conversations about vision and legacy, 143 00:08:48.840 --> 00:08:51.759 as if rediscovering the part of herself that had gotten 144 00:08:51.840 --> 00:08:56.639 lost in billing software and admin emails. At first, her 145 00:08:56.759 --> 00:08:59.519 energy renewed us. She put her phone away at dinner, 146 00:08:59.639 --> 00:09:02.480 poored her swine, drew me half in to stories about 147 00:09:02.480 --> 00:09:06.600 small gallery politics, some of them funny, some exhausting. But 148 00:09:06.679 --> 00:09:09.840 over a few weeks small changes set my nerves jangling. 149 00:09:10.279 --> 00:09:14.799 She was more fidgety, checking her phone during meals, silencing notifications, 150 00:09:14.840 --> 00:09:17.720 fast enough to suggest something she didn't want me to see, 151 00:09:17.759 --> 00:09:21.279 not at all, like before, when she barely cared about privacy. 152 00:09:22.360 --> 00:09:25.039 One Sunday, we were folding laundry on the bed, just 153 00:09:25.080 --> 00:09:28.840 floating from the record player. Her phone chimed a message 154 00:09:28.879 --> 00:09:31.600 preview from Jay flicked onto the lock screen, but she 155 00:09:31.639 --> 00:09:34.519 swept it away so quickly I thought maybe I'd imagined it. 156 00:09:34.919 --> 00:09:37.159 Instead of leaving her phone on the bed like usual, 157 00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:39.919 she carried it with her, even to the bathroom. A 158 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:43.039 new password showed up. When I joked about not knowing it, 159 00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:48.120 she shrugged, said something vague, just freelance security stuff. Agency 160 00:09:48.200 --> 00:09:52.720 clients want it now, can you believe it? Dinner out 161 00:09:52.759 --> 00:09:57.240 became Minefield's small talk over Ramen, conversations that felt edited. 162 00:09:57.600 --> 00:09:59.799 I'd ask who was on a volunteer team what the 163 00:09:59.840 --> 00:10:02.279 pla land for the next opening was, and she'd list 164 00:10:02.399 --> 00:10:06.360 names so fast I couldn't keep track. Sometimes she'd contradict herself. 165 00:10:06.519 --> 00:10:10.919 Carmen's doing Princes next quarter, She's leading the new show. Later, No, 166 00:10:11.279 --> 00:10:14.720 Carmen's taking a break. Burnt out. I tried to brush 167 00:10:14.720 --> 00:10:18.039 it off. She'd always had a little chaotic streak, especially 168 00:10:18.039 --> 00:10:22.360 when she was passionate, but looseness had shifted to secrecy 169 00:10:23.279 --> 00:10:27.120 after one awkward tangle, her answering wrong group chat, never 170 00:10:27.240 --> 00:10:30.240 mind to a notification. I tried to tell myself she 171 00:10:30.320 --> 00:10:33.519 was just busy, maybe stressed. I almost believed it until 172 00:10:33.559 --> 00:10:36.240 the morning she left for a gallery planning breakfast in 173 00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:40.399 dressier clothes than her usual make up, sharper perfume, bolder 174 00:10:40.679 --> 00:10:44.279 earrings I'd never seen before. I teased her. She grinned, 175 00:10:44.600 --> 00:10:46.799 but there was a flicker behind her eyes. I couldn't 176 00:10:46.840 --> 00:10:52.120 locate awariness. That was the point I stopped trusting my interpretation. 177 00:10:52.840 --> 00:10:55.679 I ran scenarios in my head for days. Was she 178 00:10:55.799 --> 00:10:59.279 simply thriving, blooming in the creative air she'd been missing? 179 00:10:59.799 --> 00:11:02.679 Was I reading into nothing? Or was I just jealous 180 00:11:02.720 --> 00:11:05.639 that her life was becoming larger without me in the picture. 181 00:11:06.720 --> 00:11:10.320 She brought home little gifts that weak my favorite coffee beans, 182 00:11:10.559 --> 00:11:13.919 a box set of Japanese water colors. Saw these and 183 00:11:14.039 --> 00:11:17.039 thought of you, she said, voice, soft, smile, quick, like 184 00:11:17.080 --> 00:11:20.519 an apology in a different language. Sometimes a bottle of pino, 185 00:11:20.679 --> 00:11:23.600 fancy cheese take out from a place I'd never heard of. 186 00:11:24.159 --> 00:11:26.759 I wanted to appreciate it, but something about the timing 187 00:11:27.080 --> 00:11:30.159 her coming home late with treats felt like an old trick, 188 00:11:30.519 --> 00:11:34.840 gilt covered in kindness. I tried to check my own impulses. 189 00:11:35.240 --> 00:11:38.559 Was I secretly resentful that her world was opening? Maybe 190 00:11:38.600 --> 00:11:41.960 I was just bored threatened by change. The crescendo of 191 00:11:42.000 --> 00:11:45.159 suspicion and self doubt reached its peak on a sunny Saturday, 192 00:11:45.279 --> 00:11:47.679 as I pulled open her laptop to borrow the charger 193 00:11:47.960 --> 00:11:50.840 and caught a browser with zero history. I'm not the 194 00:11:50.879 --> 00:11:54.200 type to snoop. Still it stood out Marissa was a 195 00:11:54.240 --> 00:11:58.600 digital clutterbug, never cleared tabs, a graveyard of Google searches 196 00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:03.720 and untitled pdf. This wipe slate felt deliberate. When I 197 00:12:03.759 --> 00:12:06.840 suggested we hit the next gallery opening together, the one 198 00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:11.320 she'd been raving about. Her reaction was immediate discomfort. She spun, 199 00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:15.159 nearly dropping a stack of mail. No, no, I mean 200 00:12:15.240 --> 00:12:19.919 it's mostly internal members only kinder political right now. I 201 00:12:19.919 --> 00:12:23.279 wouldn't know how to explain it. Honestly, it's boring. You'd 202 00:12:23.320 --> 00:12:27.399 hate it. I stared at her, blinking, even after all 203 00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:32.159 your talk. She shrugged away the question, pretending to concentrate 204 00:12:32.279 --> 00:12:36.720 on a stubborn corner of packing tape between silences. I 205 00:12:36.799 --> 00:12:40.399 tried reconnecting with my own world, catching drinks after work, 206 00:12:40.679 --> 00:12:43.600 inviting Victor and Lee over for game night, but even 207 00:12:43.639 --> 00:12:47.600 hanging out with friends felt odd. People were distracted, too polite. 208 00:12:47.960 --> 00:12:51.320 At brunch, Lee almost mentioned the jazz bar. Oh you know, 209 00:12:51.440 --> 00:12:54.480 I ran into marissarat She stopped as Marisa walked in, 210 00:12:54.799 --> 00:12:58.639 changed the subject swiftly to the city's terrible parking. Later, 211 00:12:58.759 --> 00:13:01.159 when we were alone, I asked, you said you saw 212 00:13:01.240 --> 00:13:05.279 Marissa out the other night. Lee hesitated, then shook her head. 213 00:13:05.639 --> 00:13:09.000 Oh maybe I mixed up days. Sorry, I'm so scattered. 214 00:13:09.480 --> 00:13:13.720 Her voice was clipped, almost guilty. One afternoon, on a 215 00:13:13.720 --> 00:13:16.519 grocery run, because I needed an excuse to get out 216 00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:19.240 and clear my head, I found myself flipping through our 217 00:13:19.320 --> 00:13:22.679 joint credit card mobile app. I justified it to myself, 218 00:13:23.039 --> 00:13:26.000 she's been busy, We're tight on cash. Better to plan, 219 00:13:26.559 --> 00:13:29.639 but the transactions caught my eye. Late night charges at 220 00:13:29.679 --> 00:13:33.679 trendy spots, blue note Ember, some tapass bar called Fialter, 221 00:13:34.080 --> 00:13:37.960 places with no obvious connection to the gallery or volunteer events. 222 00:13:38.480 --> 00:13:41.720 None of it matched the story she was telling. The 223 00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:44.799 following week end, Marissa took a work trip to Bolder 224 00:13:45.399 --> 00:13:49.600 overnight strategy session with the Gallery team. She insisted excitement 225 00:13:49.639 --> 00:13:54.440 painting her cheeks pink. But that same weekend, while scrolling Instagram, 226 00:13:54.559 --> 00:13:57.120 I saw the Gallery direct a post a story tagged 227 00:13:57.159 --> 00:14:00.919 at a local Denver festival. Comment after common from Marissa's 228 00:14:00.919 --> 00:14:05.039 supposed team mates, I searched for evidence, eventually landing on 229 00:14:05.080 --> 00:14:09.519 a group photo every one there except Marissa. Back at home, 230 00:14:09.639 --> 00:14:14.000 the space between us stretched wider. Marissa came home tired, grumpy, 231 00:14:14.039 --> 00:14:18.360 avoiding touch pillow talk once easy felt forced. She started 232 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:22.480 falling asleep, clutching her phone, muttering about Migren's just too 233 00:14:22.559 --> 00:14:26.200 worn out. I missed her laugh. I missed the evening light, 234 00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:29.559 when we'd sit together with no plans, sharing sketches, or 235 00:14:29.639 --> 00:14:32.879 just listening to the city. I wondered how much more 236 00:14:32.919 --> 00:14:35.720 of this I could excuse. I was restless at school, 237 00:14:36.000 --> 00:14:40.879 grading suffered, my students even noticed. Victor, sensing my distraction, 238 00:14:41.240 --> 00:14:43.960 lured me out for beers on a Wednesday. As we 239 00:14:44.039 --> 00:14:47.080 sank into a sticky booth old altrock on the jukebox, 240 00:14:47.399 --> 00:14:50.200 I spilled a little of the story, nothing too raw, 241 00:14:50.480 --> 00:14:54.759 just the outlines. She's working late, I said, tracing a 242 00:14:54.840 --> 00:14:58.960 ring in condensation new crowd, lots going on. I don't 243 00:14:58.960 --> 00:15:00.720 know if I trusted, but I don't want to be 244 00:15:00.759 --> 00:15:05.679 that guy. Victor, Ever, the pragmatist, offered his take, maybe 245 00:15:05.679 --> 00:15:09.519 she's overwhelmed. Lot of creative people need space when things 246 00:15:09.559 --> 00:15:13.240 get big. Doesn't mean she's cheating, man. I wanted to 247 00:15:13.240 --> 00:15:17.360 believe him, even as the words rang hollow. That night, 248 00:15:17.480 --> 00:15:21.120 determined to trust, I bought Marissa flowers and splurged on 249 00:15:21.320 --> 00:15:25.919 ingredients for a dinner she'd always loved, home made Nyoki, Saltimboka, 250 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:29.799 the works. I set the table with candles, music, new 251 00:15:29.840 --> 00:15:34.159 plates from the little ceramics shop she adored. When she arrived, 252 00:15:34.200 --> 00:15:37.159 the exhaustion I'd seen lately was replaced with what seemed 253 00:15:37.240 --> 00:15:41.240 like genuine warmth. She slipped into the kitchen, arms encircling me, 254 00:15:41.399 --> 00:15:45.960 laughter flickering back over dinner, she apologized, said she'd been distant, stressed, 255 00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:49.480 trying to keep too many plates spinning. She promised she 256 00:15:49.519 --> 00:15:53.240 missed us. The night got better, the tension loosened for 257 00:15:53.279 --> 00:15:56.360 the first time in weeks. We made love, hesitant at first, 258 00:15:56.399 --> 00:16:02.440 then reverent, rediscovering the landscape we'd neglected. Afterward, I felt lighter, hopeful, 259 00:16:02.679 --> 00:16:05.759 may be a little foolish for doubting. She fell asleep 260 00:16:05.799 --> 00:16:09.240 on my chest, limbs flung wide, and for a short 261 00:16:09.279 --> 00:16:13.440 while I believed we'd righted the ship, but hope curdled 262 00:16:13.440 --> 00:16:16.279 to dread. When my phone buzzed at midnight a text 263 00:16:16.279 --> 00:16:19.879 from Lee, terse and choppy Nate, did you know Marissa 264 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:22.519 was a blue note again? To night saw her leaving 265 00:16:22.559 --> 00:16:25.919 with a guy in a green jacket. My stomach flipped 266 00:16:26.320 --> 00:16:30.480 in the darkness. Marisa's breath was gentle, peaceful. I couldn't sleep. 267 00:16:30.879 --> 00:16:34.360 A hundred versions of the night played on loop. I 268 00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:37.519 woke before her and watched the light creep past the shades. 269 00:16:38.000 --> 00:16:41.200 I wanted to believe Lee was mistaken, but the details 270 00:16:41.600 --> 00:16:46.799 again blue note again secrecy were impossible to ignore. The 271 00:16:46.840 --> 00:16:50.600 following days, I told myself I needed clarity, no more 272 00:16:50.639 --> 00:16:55.919 gaslighting myself into believing implausible stories. I started small, tracking 273 00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:59.159 what I could in ways that felt both demeaning and necessary. 274 00:16:59.720 --> 00:17:03.080 I appt her supposed gallery events on a calendar, compared 275 00:17:03.080 --> 00:17:08.559 them to Instagram postings, gallery newsletters, online schedules. I cross 276 00:17:08.640 --> 00:17:12.480 checked any reference she made to nights out. The discrepancies 277 00:17:12.559 --> 00:17:16.160 piled higher. She claim a board meeting, but the galleryes 278 00:17:16.200 --> 00:17:20.119 socials showed it had taken place the previous evening. Volunteer 279 00:17:20.200 --> 00:17:25.000 training listed, but all open invitation. Nowhere did Marisa's name 280 00:17:25.079 --> 00:17:29.400 show up, not as a coordinator, not even in photo tags. 281 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:32.880 I tried pressing Lee this time, face to face at 282 00:17:32.920 --> 00:17:35.960 the park. Lee wouldn't meet my eyes. The way she 283 00:17:36.000 --> 00:17:38.119 bit her lip let me know she held more than 284 00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:41.960 she was saying. Lee, I have to ask, has Marisa 285 00:17:42.039 --> 00:17:46.079 been different with you? A moment's hesitation then, Nate. I 286 00:17:46.079 --> 00:17:48.680 don't want to get between you two, but yeah, I've 287 00:17:48.720 --> 00:17:51.680 seen her at Blue Note more than once. With that 288 00:17:51.839 --> 00:17:55.640 guy Julian. He's new on the scene, local artist dreadlocks, 289 00:17:55.680 --> 00:17:59.240 wears a green army jacket in any weather. They seemed close. 290 00:17:59.720 --> 00:18:01.920 She did introduced me when I ran into them. It 291 00:18:02.359 --> 00:18:07.079 felt weird. That name Julian lodged in my throat. I'd 292 00:18:07.119 --> 00:18:09.759 heard her mention him briefly over dinner a month ago. 293 00:18:10.440 --> 00:18:14.480 Julian's a whirlwind, She'd said, with an odd reverence. Drives 294 00:18:14.519 --> 00:18:18.160 Calmer nuts, but makes me laugh. I tried to match 295 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:20.720 what I'd been told about the volunteer roll with what 296 00:18:20.880 --> 00:18:24.759 Lee just confirmed. How long has it been going on? 297 00:18:25.240 --> 00:18:29.680 I asked, the question tugged out of me. Desperate, Lee winced, 298 00:18:30.000 --> 00:18:32.839 I honestly don't know Nate. Whenever I saw them, it 299 00:18:32.880 --> 00:18:36.680 looked friendly, but not like co workers. Sorry, maybe it's nothing. 300 00:18:37.039 --> 00:18:40.559 She touched my arm, eyes soft with pity. I really 301 00:18:40.599 --> 00:18:45.200 hope I'm wrong. Back home, guilt burned my insides. Was 302 00:18:45.240 --> 00:18:48.400 I prying, invading privacy? Or was I a fool for 303 00:18:48.440 --> 00:18:51.559 ignoring what was becoming obvious to every one else? The 304 00:18:51.599 --> 00:18:55.599 next Friday, unable to rest, I drove across town, parking 305 00:18:55.640 --> 00:18:58.599 near Blue Note as the city lights flickered against gritty 306 00:18:58.680 --> 00:19:03.200 brick facades. I sat in my car, engine off palms, sweating, 307 00:19:03.559 --> 00:19:07.519 heart thumping low in my stomach. At eight fifty two, 308 00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:11.119 I spotted Marissa through the smoke fogged window, a silhouette 309 00:19:11.119 --> 00:19:14.319 at a high top, close beside a tall Bohemian mess 310 00:19:14.359 --> 00:19:18.039 of a man in a battered army jacket, Julian. Presumably 311 00:19:18.519 --> 00:19:21.880 they talked close, her hand on his arm, bodies angled inward, 312 00:19:22.079 --> 00:19:26.559 oblivious to the world outside. He made her laugh, full bodied, joyous, 313 00:19:26.759 --> 00:19:30.400 the way I remembered from years ago. I wanted to 314 00:19:30.440 --> 00:19:34.319 storm inside, but something froze me. I felt displaced, like 315 00:19:34.359 --> 00:19:37.839 an intruder outside my own life. When they stood to leave, 316 00:19:38.200 --> 00:19:41.240 I ducked lower out of habit, watching her clutch her bag, 317 00:19:41.559 --> 00:19:45.559 Julian's arms sliding briefly around her waist, then melting away 318 00:19:45.640 --> 00:19:49.039 into the night. The sight hollowed me, more intimate than 319 00:19:49.039 --> 00:19:53.440 anything she'd shared with me in months. Driving home, anger 320 00:19:53.519 --> 00:19:57.440 and hurt merged into numbness. I considered waking Marisa to 321 00:19:57.480 --> 00:20:00.240 demand answers, but the part of me that still Bill 322 00:20:00.279 --> 00:20:03.799 loved her, still wanted there to be a mistake held back. 323 00:20:04.839 --> 00:20:09.200 In the following days, evidence surfaced everywhere. I caught glimpses 324 00:20:09.240 --> 00:20:11.759 in the corners of our shared life. Her sketch pad 325 00:20:11.839 --> 00:20:14.480 now full of rough, abstract portraits of a man with 326 00:20:14.559 --> 00:20:18.599 angular features and forest colored clothes, new playlists peppered with 327 00:20:18.640 --> 00:20:22.319 obscure jazz pieces. She started treating our home like a 328 00:20:22.319 --> 00:20:26.359 stopping off point, a place to shower, change, collect new 329 00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:30.160 stories for me to accept at face value. Her email 330 00:20:30.240 --> 00:20:32.720 dinged one afternoon as I passed her laptop on the 331 00:20:32.759 --> 00:20:36.079 dining table. I didn't mean to intrude, but a notification 332 00:20:36.200 --> 00:20:38.960 popped up when she hadn't logged out of a message 333 00:20:39.000 --> 00:20:42.640 from Jay Ramsay, subject line no going back now, A 334 00:20:42.720 --> 00:20:46.319 spicy bantering back and forth flashed in the preview snatches 335 00:20:46.359 --> 00:20:50.079 of future plans our show will kill at constellation, can't 336 00:20:50.079 --> 00:20:53.519 believe we get to do this together. Finally, I gazed 337 00:20:53.519 --> 00:20:57.039 at it until the screen locked, heat burning my ears. 338 00:20:57.519 --> 00:21:00.200 That night, before Marissa was due home, I sat on 339 00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:02.319 our bed, clutching the sketch books she given me three 340 00:21:02.359 --> 00:21:06.759 anniversaries earlier, a battered, soft edged thing, pages filled with 341 00:21:06.839 --> 00:21:10.079 the first notes of our shared dreams. I tried tracing 342 00:21:10.119 --> 00:21:13.000 were we gone wrong? What nuance of color or commitment 343 00:21:13.039 --> 00:21:16.160 had faded? Until all that was left was camouflage. I 344 00:21:16.279 --> 00:21:20.680 pictured Marissa and Julian not just stealing moments, but plotting, colluding, 345 00:21:21.119 --> 00:21:24.319 building a whole gallery show, a whole new life, with 346 00:21:24.440 --> 00:21:28.200 me as the unwitting back up plan. For the first time, 347 00:21:28.400 --> 00:21:31.480 the possibility that she wasn't just betraying our marriage but 348 00:21:31.640 --> 00:21:35.000 rewriting it, painting a whole new existence in lines I 349 00:21:35.000 --> 00:21:38.799 could never enter became realer than my old denials. My 350 00:21:38.920 --> 00:21:41.279 mind flashed back to all the time she'd said she 351 00:21:41.359 --> 00:21:44.799 was finding herself, the coded remarks about being tired of 352 00:21:44.799 --> 00:21:48.279 functional love. Did she plan to just walk out? Or 353 00:21:48.359 --> 00:21:51.480 was she still hoping to maintain both worlds, one foot 354 00:21:51.519 --> 00:21:56.119 in safety, another in freedom. I left that night, unable 355 00:21:56.160 --> 00:21:59.119 to stomach the air in our apartment, taking nothing but 356 00:21:59.200 --> 00:22:02.480 a Duffel and the keys to Victor's spare room. As 357 00:22:02.519 --> 00:22:05.759 I walked through the city toward his building, slush crunching 358 00:22:05.839 --> 00:22:08.480 under foot, I tried not to spin out into self 359 00:22:08.519 --> 00:22:12.440 pity or rage. I wanted the confusion more than the certainty, 360 00:22:12.799 --> 00:22:17.720 anything to delay collapse. The next day, Marisa texted, where'd 361 00:22:17.720 --> 00:22:21.240 you go last night? Everything okay? Can we talk later? 362 00:22:22.039 --> 00:22:24.799 Her tone was breezy, as if she knew nothing, as 363 00:22:24.839 --> 00:22:27.559 if I might accept yet another vague apology and a 364 00:22:27.599 --> 00:22:31.640 box of my favorite scones. I ignored her, letting the 365 00:22:31.720 --> 00:22:34.839 hours stack up, building a wall of silence neither of 366 00:22:34.920 --> 00:22:38.599 us could climb easily. By late evening, the deluge of 367 00:22:38.640 --> 00:22:43.160 messages slowed. Victor poured bourbon, and we sat without words, 368 00:22:43.400 --> 00:22:47.400 watching the city light's pulse. Are you going to confront her? 369 00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:52.240 He finally asked, Not yet, I said, voice rough. I 370 00:22:52.279 --> 00:22:55.119 need to see how deep this goes. I didn't trust 371 00:22:55.119 --> 00:22:58.640 myself not to explode. I wanted answers, but not if 372 00:22:58.680 --> 00:23:01.279 it meant letting her smooth o the truth with tears 373 00:23:01.279 --> 00:23:05.799 and clever excuses. Sleep came in fits. Every time I 374 00:23:05.880 --> 00:23:09.319 closed my eyes, I saw Marissa and Julian at blue Note, 375 00:23:09.480 --> 00:23:12.680 captured not on Lee's Instagram, but in the vulnerable corner 376 00:23:12.720 --> 00:23:15.920 of my own memory, her unhindered laugh, his hand on 377 00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:19.319 her back, the promise of escape for them both. Each 378 00:23:19.400 --> 00:23:22.359 time I tried to rationalize, the weight of proof forced 379 00:23:22.359 --> 00:23:25.160 me back to the cold edge of fact. Our lines, 380 00:23:25.279 --> 00:23:29.640 once running parallel, had crossed and now split. In the morning, 381 00:23:29.799 --> 00:23:33.079 I scoured our finances for more clues. Eber rides to 382 00:23:33.160 --> 00:23:37.480 unfamiliar addresses, cash withdrawals at odd hours, double charges for 383 00:23:37.559 --> 00:23:40.960 team breakfasts that never matched any of her stories. I 384 00:23:41.000 --> 00:23:44.519 searched online for Julian, his art, his back story. He 385 00:23:44.640 --> 00:23:49.240 was everywhere on Denver's creative Scene Murals gallery features interviews 386 00:23:49.240 --> 00:23:53.160 where he described his work as collaborative alchemy. The posted 387 00:23:53.160 --> 00:23:57.240 photos sometimes included Marissa in the background, her smile never 388 00:23:57.319 --> 00:24:01.160 quite meant for the camera. I message Lee again, asking 389 00:24:01.480 --> 00:24:04.319 you said you saw them together. How long has this been? 390 00:24:04.759 --> 00:24:07.920 Lee took a long time to reply. Her answer was careful, 391 00:24:08.240 --> 00:24:13.000 since at least December, maybe longer. Nate, Sorry, I opened 392 00:24:13.039 --> 00:24:16.839 Marisa's old sketch books. Flicking through, I caught odd snap shots, 393 00:24:16.920 --> 00:24:20.559 mentions of new beginnings, lists in her handwriting. Spend more 394 00:24:20.599 --> 00:24:24.680 time creating, pursue joy, take risks. On a back page, 395 00:24:24.759 --> 00:24:27.759 a phrase caught me. Risk is the color between us. 396 00:24:28.400 --> 00:24:31.359 I snapped the book shut. The cold reality of our 397 00:24:31.440 --> 00:24:35.559 drift and a search for something beyond me became uncomfortably vivid. 398 00:24:36.559 --> 00:24:39.279 I wanted to scream or call her, and say every 399 00:24:39.359 --> 00:24:42.839 ugly thing in my head. Instead, I forced myself to 400 00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:46.240 go to work, moving through the motions of teaching, talking 401 00:24:46.319 --> 00:24:49.519