WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.280 I'm holding a plastic cup of licwmpino at the edge 2 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:08.359 of the gallery's main room, half lessening to the constant 3 00:00:08.480 --> 00:00:11.160 rune of conversation, half wishing I ducked up for smoke. 4 00:00:11.199 --> 00:00:14.640 Ten minutes ago. The openings packed new voices to Mosses 5 00:00:14.720 --> 00:00:18.239 quarterly show for emerging painters. Normally, I'd be moving through 6 00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:21.600 the crowd, glancing at sight lines, mentally fixing a crooked frame, 7 00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:25.280 making small talk with old clients and new artists. Instead, 8 00:00:25.359 --> 00:00:27.559 I'm awkwardly parked by the window, phone in my hand, 9 00:00:27.640 --> 00:00:29.920 pretending to study a sculpture made of Wilder wrenches. I 10 00:00:29.960 --> 00:00:32.240 hung myself that morning, telling myself not to check the 11 00:00:32.280 --> 00:00:36.119 time again. She's late again, Elena texted me an hour 12 00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:38.520 ago a pop up and stole w slashed her moss 13 00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:41.799 finishing last panel. Save me some of that free cheese. 14 00:00:42.399 --> 00:00:44.920 Love you. I stare through the window at the city 15 00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:47.280 evening sun falling off the top of the old warehouse 16 00:00:47.280 --> 00:00:50.799 across the street, watching the reflective movement of guests. There's 17 00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:52.479 a faint bass rumble from the sand piece in the 18 00:00:52.520 --> 00:00:55.520 next room. Someone's kid against all advisories, I notice start 19 00:00:55.520 --> 00:00:57.439 in between the legs and out on the floor. Too 20 00:00:57.439 --> 00:01:00.359 many people I know who will eventually realize I'm alone 21 00:01:00.399 --> 00:01:03.119 here for too long. I told Alina, I come solo. 22 00:01:03.320 --> 00:01:06.439 Helped to moss wrangle the event. This gallery is tiny 23 00:01:06.439 --> 00:01:08.920 but influential. The white wall's chip from years of frantic 24 00:01:08.920 --> 00:01:11.879 emerging artist activity. She els filled with whatever. He'd just 25 00:01:11.959 --> 00:01:15.200 quiet from Berlin on Mexico City last month. Still, this 26 00:01:15.319 --> 00:01:17.480 was an important night. Three of Elina's friends were showing 27 00:01:17.480 --> 00:01:19.439 for the first time, and a collector was rumored to 28 00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:22.200 stop by. We promise each other we'd show up for 29 00:01:22.239 --> 00:01:24.719 the scene, as she always said. But now I'm on 30 00:01:24.760 --> 00:01:27.120 my second plastic poor, keeping one eye on the door. 31 00:01:27.840 --> 00:01:29.920 The first to find me is Leslie, all bangs and 32 00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:33.480 red lipstick, waving a wine glass precariously over someone's minimalist sketch. 33 00:01:34.079 --> 00:01:36.560 Where's your better half, Jesse, don't tell me? She's running 34 00:01:36.599 --> 00:01:39.200 late again. Her voice is in low, but somehow it 35 00:01:39.239 --> 00:01:42.359 cuts through the whole room. I fumble for humor. Ye, 36 00:01:42.400 --> 00:01:44.719 no LENI anything for last minute prep. I'm just here 37 00:01:44.799 --> 00:01:48.560 keeping this seat warm. Leslie grins, then leans in, dropping 38 00:01:48.599 --> 00:01:51.599 her voice. You're a trusting man, letting her spend so 39 00:01:51.719 --> 00:01:53.799 much time with Tomos. I'd be at the random pop 40 00:01:53.879 --> 00:01:55.680 up in a heartbeat. If my partner was the friendly 41 00:01:55.719 --> 00:01:58.040 with him, it's meant as to tease a knock at 42 00:01:58.040 --> 00:02:01.159 Toumos's reputation. But let's s's not cruel. It's more like 43 00:02:01.200 --> 00:02:04.079 she's inviting me to play along. I laugh, heart oddly 44 00:02:04.120 --> 00:02:08.759 tight in my chest. It's all about exposure, right, networking opportunity. 45 00:02:08.800 --> 00:02:12.159 She kill me if I macromanaged. Leslie raises one eyebrow 46 00:02:12.159 --> 00:02:15.520 in shrugs, moving off to greet another artist. I turned 47 00:02:15.560 --> 00:02:17.680 back to my phone, unlocking it with a sweaty thumb. 48 00:02:18.240 --> 00:02:21.520 Nothing from Melinia except the earlier text, but three minutes 49 00:02:21.560 --> 00:02:24.520 ago to Moss post it on Instagram. Grainy boomerang, their 50 00:02:24.560 --> 00:02:27.960 faces half lit by purple neon, both smiling, clinking glasses. 51 00:02:28.599 --> 00:02:31.039 El Lenovicak keeps as going art as power hour at Sotto, 52 00:02:31.159 --> 00:02:34.599 prepping for greatness. Soto is a wine bar round the corner. 53 00:02:35.159 --> 00:02:38.039 I try briefly to reassure myself. Maybe this one by 54 00:02:38.080 --> 00:02:40.199 for posting soul drinks. Maybe the crews with them, and 55 00:02:40.280 --> 00:02:43.360 to pop up is nearby. Still it stings, the easy 56 00:02:43.360 --> 00:02:45.520 comfort of their pose, the way she didn't mention it 57 00:02:45.520 --> 00:02:48.319 when I'd asked earlier what her evening looked like. I 58 00:02:48.400 --> 00:02:53.280 call her voice mail, I text see you soon, Everything okay, 59 00:02:54.000 --> 00:02:57.159 and then ashamed to lead it before hitting sand behind 60 00:02:57.159 --> 00:02:59.560 the glass. The city is all reflection lights of the gallery, 61 00:02:59.560 --> 00:03:01.639 so wites moving behind me. I tried to play back 62 00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:04.039 what she'd said. Tomos wrote me into his pop upch 63 00:03:04.120 --> 00:03:07.479 and be more than twenty thirty minutes Max. It's been 64 00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:10.280 over two hours. I only know where she is because 65 00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:13.960 she's smiling in someone else's photo. One of her friends, Marco, 66 00:03:14.120 --> 00:03:17.520 sidles up, feigning casual Ilina coming to night, or as 67 00:03:17.560 --> 00:03:20.960 Tomos running his menty ragged as usual. I smile, thinly 68 00:03:21.120 --> 00:03:23.680 drained and give my rehearsed answer. She'll be here soon, 69 00:03:24.280 --> 00:03:26.680 but I'm not sure I believe it this time. When 70 00:03:26.680 --> 00:03:29.080 you've been together long enough, you start a catalog. The 71 00:03:29.080 --> 00:03:31.400 little white lies, the half true toll for convenience, the 72 00:03:31.439 --> 00:03:35.240 omissions meant to spre some one's feelings. Where artists, ambiguity 73 00:03:35.280 --> 00:03:38.599 is our second language. But to night, something feels different, 74 00:03:38.759 --> 00:03:40.520 like a lion is being drawn in a race before 75 00:03:40.520 --> 00:03:42.800 I can see it. By the time the gallery is 76 00:03:42.840 --> 00:03:45.479 half empty, I've checked Instagram texts and even scrolled to 77 00:03:45.520 --> 00:03:48.039 Moss's stories three times, just to see if my wife's 78 00:03:48.039 --> 00:03:51.719 in another frame. She isn't. No one brings it up again. 79 00:03:51.800 --> 00:03:54.639 The crowd disperses in twos and threes, and I pretend 80 00:03:54.639 --> 00:03:57.199 I have somewhere else to be. The city outside is 81 00:03:57.199 --> 00:04:00.520 cooling fast, jog is moving through the dusk. When she 82 00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:03.560 finally calls at nearly eleven, long after the show officially ended, 83 00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:06.520 I let it rin twice before answer in sorry, love, 84 00:04:06.599 --> 00:04:09.039 Tomos needed a hand packing the installation truck. You know 85 00:04:09.120 --> 00:04:12.039 how he is. Everything's so last minute. I want to 86 00:04:12.039 --> 00:04:14.879 say something smart, something warm, but all I manages. Yeah, 87 00:04:14.919 --> 00:04:17.199 I hope it went well. She doesn't pick up on 88 00:04:17.240 --> 00:04:20.399 my tone. Absolutely exhausted, but I got a lot done. 89 00:04:20.439 --> 00:04:24.079 See you soon. She hangs up first. It's past midnight 90 00:04:24.120 --> 00:04:26.240 by the time she comes home. Hair must paint on 91 00:04:26.279 --> 00:04:29.120 her jeans, but she's bright eyed already scrolling through messages. 92 00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:32.000 You should have seen the canvas to moss debut. People 93 00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:34.399 lost it. I want to ask if she have fun 94 00:04:34.399 --> 00:04:36.680 at Soto for if I should just learn to stop 95 00:04:36.720 --> 00:04:38.920 counting ours that don't belong to me. I say nothing. 96 00:04:39.519 --> 00:04:42.240 She kisses my cheek, offers me last night's left overs. 97 00:04:42.480 --> 00:04:44.759 And drifts straight into describing her night, only the pop 98 00:04:44.839 --> 00:04:47.519 up in the technical details, nothing about Sorto or the hour. 99 00:04:48.199 --> 00:04:50.480 My mind skips along the surface of our old routines, 100 00:04:50.560 --> 00:04:54.480 half listening for cracks. It wasn't always like this. There 101 00:04:54.480 --> 00:04:56.160 were years when our world was only us in a 102 00:04:56.160 --> 00:04:59.399 battered paints guard kitchen table. We met at an outdoor aurfare. 103 00:04:59.519 --> 00:05:02.360 Both of us broke awkward, infatuated with the possibility that 104 00:05:02.399 --> 00:05:04.720 two people devoted to their own messy projects could also 105 00:05:04.759 --> 00:05:08.079 become something together. I'd volunteered to help assemble pop up 106 00:05:08.120 --> 00:05:10.160 walls for a friend, pretending to be handier than I 107 00:05:10.199 --> 00:05:13.439 actually was, And Elena showed up mid morning, combat boots 108 00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:16.560 while brown hair, an armful of canvasses, mirrors of blue 109 00:05:16.560 --> 00:05:20.079 oil across her wrist. We argued about the measurements, made 110 00:05:20.120 --> 00:05:22.759 each other laugh, and when the rain started, crouched beneath 111 00:05:22.759 --> 00:05:25.759 a tent, huddling over cold panadas and even colder coffee. 112 00:05:26.240 --> 00:05:28.199 She told me she only dated other artists. I told 113 00:05:28.240 --> 00:05:30.879 her I only fell in love with rebels. The first 114 00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:33.360 years blurred together. Late night spent hanging her paintings in 115 00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:36.560 windall as clubs, chasing tipsy bis through cramped openings, running 116 00:05:36.600 --> 00:05:38.240 out of money, and then making a joke out of it. 117 00:05:38.279 --> 00:05:40.639 At two a m. We moved into a loft with 118 00:05:40.639 --> 00:05:43.360 thin walls and too much sunlight, neighbors who complain about 119 00:05:43.360 --> 00:05:45.720 the scent of turpentine and the relentless tap of my drill. 120 00:05:46.319 --> 00:05:51.279 Her paintings began to fill every available surface. Huge riders, abstracts, faces, 121 00:05:51.279 --> 00:05:54.399 I recognize, landscapes from trips we'd barely been able to afford. 122 00:05:55.000 --> 00:05:57.959 I hummed my own pieces above the couch, sculptural diagrams 123 00:05:57.959 --> 00:05:59.959 of what I thought a good relationship could be. Salvage 124 00:06:00.040 --> 00:06:02.120 would read things found at the side of the road. 125 00:06:02.759 --> 00:06:05.800 People in the scene called us the inseparables, not just 126 00:06:05.839 --> 00:06:08.360 in law, but a creative unit. Hosting after parties that 127 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:11.639 turned into debates about color theory versus architecture, helping each 128 00:06:11.680 --> 00:06:13.639 of the whole, massive frames across the city, or a 129 00:06:13.720 --> 00:06:16.480 more exhausted sundays bickering about whose terran it was to 130 00:06:16.480 --> 00:06:20.279 make coffee. Our families were both small, scattered. Her parents 131 00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:22.360 would drive up from Oregon for her shows, her mom 132 00:06:22.439 --> 00:06:25.600 always arriving with something home baked. My own folks in 133 00:06:25.600 --> 00:06:29.279 Nebraskt syntax of encouragement before big curations, knock m Dad, 134 00:06:29.439 --> 00:06:31.800 Jesse set up here and s also no one else 135 00:06:31.839 --> 00:06:34.560 stairs rearrange a thing. We learned to lean into each 136 00:06:34.560 --> 00:06:36.959 other's strengths and call out each other's weaknesses, to trust, 137 00:06:36.959 --> 00:06:39.680 because it was easier than cheating. But the last year 138 00:06:39.839 --> 00:06:43.800 everything had tightened. Lina's ales dried up. She blamed the 139 00:06:43.879 --> 00:06:46.879 lasty curation climate, and I thought she was right. But truthfully, 140 00:06:46.920 --> 00:06:49.399 clients had gone us where, maybe for newer names, maybe 141 00:06:49.480 --> 00:06:52.199 because the market had shifted. I was passed over for 142 00:06:52.199 --> 00:06:54.720 commission at a major museum, which I didn't tell anyone 143 00:06:54.759 --> 00:06:58.279 for weeks, except eventually Elena. She put her arms around 144 00:06:58.319 --> 00:07:00.839 me whispered, we'll get the next one. We always do 145 00:07:01.519 --> 00:07:03.439 for Moss entered our orbit half way through that bad 146 00:07:03.480 --> 00:07:05.720 stretch of GALLEYOA, with a kind of charrisma that made 147 00:07:05.720 --> 00:07:07.920 people forget they'd already bought too much art or stayed 148 00:07:07.920 --> 00:07:11.800 out too late late thirties Spanish accent, wilder days for 149 00:07:11.839 --> 00:07:14.439 installations nobody thought were feasible. He made Alena laugh like 150 00:07:14.480 --> 00:07:17.360 few people could. The first time we met, he slapped 151 00:07:17.399 --> 00:07:19.199 me hard on the back and called my last exhibit 152 00:07:19.240 --> 00:07:21.560 gutsy trash, too honest to be commercial. I like it. 153 00:07:22.120 --> 00:07:24.360 He saw something in Elena's work, a spark, he said, 154 00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:26.399 and had her do a solo show within six months. 155 00:07:27.160 --> 00:07:29.519 I wanted Elena to have every chance that came her way. 156 00:07:30.040 --> 00:07:33.000 I meant that even when it's done. When her schedules 157 00:07:33.000 --> 00:07:35.360 started filling with the gallery, prep with Tourmos and she 158 00:07:35.399 --> 00:07:38.360 got home late, smelling of wine and acrilic, I told 159 00:07:38.399 --> 00:07:41.399 myself opportunities like this were rare. That you support the 160 00:07:41.399 --> 00:07:43.800 person you love even as your own failures begin to 161 00:07:43.800 --> 00:07:46.680 weigh heavier. At first, Tomos was a fixed point in 162 00:07:46.680 --> 00:07:49.000 our life. The mentor she called for advice, the pigeon 163 00:07:49.000 --> 00:07:52.079 who seemed invested in her career. Eventually, it felt like 164 00:07:52.120 --> 00:07:54.360 there was a before and after before Tomos, After Tomos. 165 00:07:55.199 --> 00:07:57.680 I tried to keep the distinction blurry, jerking with Alena 166 00:07:57.720 --> 00:08:00.399 about her Spanish art godfather, letting her see I secure 167 00:08:00.480 --> 00:08:02.319 enough not to be threatened, even as a part of 168 00:08:02.360 --> 00:08:04.120 me wondered how much room I was supposed to make 169 00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:07.959 for someone else's vision of her. Our routines changed. She'd 170 00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:09.800 head to the gallery at noon and stay out late, 171 00:08:09.839 --> 00:08:12.639 texting me about events with new collaborators, pop up shows, 172 00:08:12.879 --> 00:08:15.959 or early meetings. I filled my days with installation work, 173 00:08:16.240 --> 00:08:19.519 bolding out private collections and avoiding the sense of being replaced, 174 00:08:19.560 --> 00:08:23.319 even marginally, by a well spinning just out of my sight. Still, 175 00:08:23.360 --> 00:08:25.519 we clung to some rituals. Sunday coffee runs to the 176 00:08:25.519 --> 00:08:28.639 bowdgirl staying up too late watching in ANTV, fighting about 177 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:31.199 who left brushes in the sink. I would overlook the 178 00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:33.399 way she'd linger on her phone after midnight, telling her 179 00:08:33.399 --> 00:08:36.159 parents she was brain strumming with the team. I convinced 180 00:08:36.200 --> 00:08:38.799 myself these with the sacrifices of a working creative marriage, 181 00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:41.320 that mutual trust meant lying secrets, not because you wanted to, 182 00:08:41.519 --> 00:08:44.120 but because you had to. But secrets have a way 183 00:08:44.120 --> 00:08:46.639 of pressing against the thin membrane of routine, bulging out 184 00:08:46.679 --> 00:08:49.799 in places you can't ignore forever. Two weeks after the 185 00:08:49.799 --> 00:08:53.000 gallery opening, I noticed Alina's schedule was getting harder and 186 00:08:53.039 --> 00:08:55.679 harder to pin down. Going to the warehouse to moss 187 00:08:55.759 --> 00:08:58.240 as we're trialing a new lighting design for the spective project. 188 00:08:58.279 --> 00:09:00.639 Her note on the table read, her hands writing rushed 189 00:09:00.679 --> 00:09:03.639 and slandered, cup stacked in the sink, her phone chirping 190 00:09:03.679 --> 00:09:07.679 repeatedly with notifications. I started to joke that Tomos communicated 191 00:09:07.799 --> 00:09:11.440 entirely in emoji's and exclamation marks. That Tuesday, she came 192 00:09:11.480 --> 00:09:14.080 home at one in the morning, eyeliners made laughter still 193 00:09:14.080 --> 00:09:16.720 in her throat, I asked how the lighting testing went, 194 00:09:16.759 --> 00:09:18.960 and she hesitated too long, then pivoted into a wild 195 00:09:19.039 --> 00:09:21.440 story about one of the intense fainting during a blackout 196 00:09:21.440 --> 00:09:23.399 and Tomos having to save the day by plucking in 197 00:09:23.440 --> 00:09:26.919 his phone flashlight and running commentary were either the whole time. 198 00:09:27.519 --> 00:09:31.679 I asked, more curious than suspicious, She grinned, of course, 199 00:09:31.720 --> 00:09:33.759 that's all hands on deck for this one. You know 200 00:09:33.840 --> 00:09:37.000 that the answers seemed thin, but I'll let it pass. 201 00:09:37.720 --> 00:09:40.039 If I start accounting the things we let pass, I'd 202 00:09:40.039 --> 00:09:43.039 have to tally my own failures too. Gradually, the time 203 00:09:43.080 --> 00:09:46.519 she spent getting ready before casual studio meetings with tomostodout 204 00:09:46.960 --> 00:09:49.600 expense of perfume she used to only wear for big events. 205 00:09:49.759 --> 00:09:53.120 New lipstick necklaces I hadn't seen since I lost gallery calltogether. 206 00:09:53.840 --> 00:09:55.759 I told myself it wasn't for him. That maybe she 207 00:09:55.799 --> 00:09:58.600 decided to take herself more seriously as lead artist, or 208 00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:00.639 maybe after a run of bad months, she wanted to 209 00:10:00.679 --> 00:10:03.840 show up to work feeling powerful. Still, her phone became 210 00:10:03.879 --> 00:10:07.080 a new border between us, text sliding up at one, two, 211 00:10:07.120 --> 00:10:09.879 three a m. The moji punctuated messages to Moss's name 212 00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:12.480 on the lock screen. Once, on a quiet evening, when 213 00:10:12.519 --> 00:10:14.399 I was at my WORKNNCH, she giggled at something on 214 00:10:14.440 --> 00:10:16.559 her phone, then quickly silenced it. When I entered the 215 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:19.360 room here in a good mood, I said, half flirting, 216 00:10:20.039 --> 00:10:22.120 just to mean from the gallery group chat, she replied, 217 00:10:22.200 --> 00:10:24.919 and set the phone aside. Most of the time I 218 00:10:24.960 --> 00:10:27.399 didn't question it. She was building a life. I thought 219 00:10:27.440 --> 00:10:29.960 I wanted for her, cultivating contacts, a new work, and 220 00:10:30.039 --> 00:10:32.759 if I seen left behind, I reminded myself that partnership 221 00:10:32.799 --> 00:10:36.000 wasn't always about symmetry. But the tension sat there, growing 222 00:10:36.039 --> 00:10:38.639 sharper with time. One night I sent her a text 223 00:10:38.639 --> 00:10:40.279 while she was out with the team, just to say 224 00:10:40.279 --> 00:10:44.919 thinking of you. Hours ticked by screen stayed blank, she 225 00:10:45.039 --> 00:10:48.080 replied late, apologizing sorry. Tomas was renting about in saw 226 00:10:48.120 --> 00:10:50.240 budgets again. Barely got a word in love you brain 227 00:10:50.360 --> 00:10:53.799 check on that movie Tomorrow. Our misconnection stacked up, and now, 228 00:10:53.879 --> 00:10:56.120 on the rare occasions we were both home before midnight, 229 00:10:56.159 --> 00:10:57.759 the air was taught both of us pushed to the 230 00:10:57.840 --> 00:11:00.840 margins of our own routines. I tried to ask about 231 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:04.120 her projects. She'd give quick, half interest replies, then vanish 232 00:11:04.159 --> 00:11:06.279 into phone calls on the balcony or an early sleep. 233 00:11:06.759 --> 00:11:09.320 I kept reminding myself. Trust is built for moments just 234 00:11:09.399 --> 00:11:11.519 like this, when you want to indulge your worse suspicions 235 00:11:11.519 --> 00:11:14.279 but choose not to. But the choice was becoming harder. 236 00:11:14.840 --> 00:11:17.799 The first real crack came on a Saturday morning. Bilina 237 00:11:17.840 --> 00:11:19.879 announced she was heading off to a pop up screening 238 00:11:19.960 --> 00:11:23.440 at the Warehouse New Artists, Crazy Projections to Moss. Asked 239 00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:26.120 me to handle and stall, don't wagh up. While I'd 240 00:11:26.120 --> 00:11:28.240 planned on meeting a friend for coffee. Something in her 241 00:11:28.279 --> 00:11:31.679 tone lingered, hurried, a little forced. I decided, without much 242 00:11:31.679 --> 00:11:34.960 forthought to stop by the warehouse. I growled to americanos 243 00:11:34.960 --> 00:11:36.879 and a bag of Cossus texted. I dropped by to 244 00:11:36.879 --> 00:11:39.240 say hi to the team, expecting at worse groan about 245 00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:42.200 being an embarrassing spouse. But when I wheeled my bike 246 00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:44.440 into the block, the roll up gates were shuttered a 247 00:11:44.440 --> 00:11:47.519 lot empty except for two part cause I didn't recognize 248 00:11:47.559 --> 00:11:50.320 Through the frosted windows, I saw no lights, no signs 249 00:11:50.320 --> 00:11:54.200 of activity. I buzzed twice. No answer. Even the neighboring 250 00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:57.120 barrister he loved to people watch the artists coming and going, 251 00:11:57.200 --> 00:11:59.559 shrugged and said they hadn't seen any big group that morning. 252 00:12:00.200 --> 00:12:03.039 I stood there, coffee cups cooling in my hands, battling 253 00:12:03.039 --> 00:12:05.879 surprise and the urge to make excuses for her. Maybe 254 00:12:05.879 --> 00:12:08.759 she'd given me the run, addressed by mistake. Maybe the 255 00:12:08.799 --> 00:12:13.120 team had relocated. Maybe this is what networking looks like, elusive, moveable, 256 00:12:13.200 --> 00:12:16.120 never quite what it seems back home. I waited for 257 00:12:16.159 --> 00:12:19.320 a Leana to call. She didn't, not until late that afternoon, 258 00:12:19.360 --> 00:12:22.480 apologizing in advance. Things shifted, last minute budget cuts to 259 00:12:22.519 --> 00:12:24.720 Moss move the whole team to his apartment. Had to improvise. 260 00:12:24.799 --> 00:12:27.480 Didn't want to bother you. It didn't sound right, but 261 00:12:27.559 --> 00:12:29.399 she was smooth, capable of talking me out of my 262 00:12:29.399 --> 00:12:32.879 doubts before they could fully form. Later, idly scrolling Instagram, 263 00:12:32.919 --> 00:12:35.200 I noticed a tagged photo from Tomas, a roof top 264 00:12:35.200 --> 00:12:37.639 selfie since a cocktail in hand, a Lena posing in 265 00:12:37.639 --> 00:12:41.240 the background, no team in sight. Whatever the project had been, 266 00:12:41.279 --> 00:12:43.879 it was hardly a scramble in the warehouse. They both 267 00:12:43.919 --> 00:12:46.879 looked relaxed and hurried. I asked her about it that night. 268 00:12:47.480 --> 00:12:50.039 She shruggered, eyes, tired Tomos's idea of a pop up 269 00:12:50.039 --> 00:12:52.720 as a twenty minute brainswam followed by three hours of drinks. 270 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:55.399 I told you, it's all performance with him. I didn't 271 00:12:55.399 --> 00:12:58.759 want to push. I told myself not to spiral. I 272 00:12:58.840 --> 00:13:01.519 tried to believe it was just awk old chaos, nothing intentional. 273 00:13:02.039 --> 00:13:04.759 That week she started making large withdrawals from our joint account, 274 00:13:04.799 --> 00:13:08.639 hundred's labeled gallery supplies. We never discussed it, but I noticed, 275 00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:10.600 and when I brought it up, she turned matter of fact, 276 00:13:10.639 --> 00:13:13.559 communal project. Everything's being pulled. You know how messy these 277 00:13:13.559 --> 00:13:16.840 budgets get. I asked for details, just to feel included, 278 00:13:17.000 --> 00:13:19.279 as she told me she couldn't talk specifics yet for 279 00:13:19.360 --> 00:13:23.240 Grant's secrecy. Her tone was brisk, a little impatient, not unkind, 280 00:13:23.279 --> 00:13:26.200 but final. It was a small thing, but it landed 281 00:13:26.200 --> 00:13:28.039 heavy and a guts Something about having to ask made 282 00:13:28.080 --> 00:13:30.759 me feel peripheral, like an investor whose money is taken 283 00:13:30.799 --> 00:13:33.679 for granted. We started eating dinners. All A caught her 284 00:13:33.679 --> 00:13:36.440 in the studio, me on the couch, both scrolling through work, 285 00:13:36.639 --> 00:13:39.840 silent or with headphones on. She'd cancel weekend hikes, O 286 00:13:39.919 --> 00:13:42.720 Missium visits last minute. Thomas needs me on a concept 287 00:13:42.720 --> 00:13:45.600 for the nexture. I stopped bothering to invite her after 288 00:13:45.639 --> 00:13:48.799 a while. Our evening's filled with silent, polite land minds. 289 00:13:49.480 --> 00:13:53.639 It wasn't just me noticing. One afternoon, Leslie texted missed 290 00:13:53.639 --> 00:13:57.840 the old trio. Hezelina disappeared into tom Uslin Forever. Another friend, 291 00:13:57.879 --> 00:14:01.200 Annie confided bluntly over beers, She's different, nap guarded, like 292 00:14:01.279 --> 00:14:03.799 everyone's just background to her until MOS's main plot. Did 293 00:14:03.799 --> 00:14:07.039 something happen between you guys? Iva Marco, who had always 294 00:14:07.080 --> 00:14:09.759 sided with the Lena and createds bats, mentioned foundedly that 295 00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:11.679 he'd seen Alena and her master gallery in the Pearl 296 00:14:11.759 --> 00:14:13.840 District looking pretty cozy on a night She told me 297 00:14:13.879 --> 00:14:17.600 she was prepping alone. Our friend Grip fractured, some becoming cagy, 298 00:14:17.679 --> 00:14:19.840 others acting over friendly, as if trying to draw out 299 00:14:19.879 --> 00:14:22.840 secrets for their own entertainment or amusement. I hated the 300 00:14:22.840 --> 00:14:25.519 feeling that we were suddenly gossip fodder, but couldn't stop 301 00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:27.919 myself from scouring every piece of hearsay for a hidden motive. 302 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:31.399 The social media post multiply, most featuring a Lena and 303 00:14:31.440 --> 00:14:33.879 to mossgether events that seemed to materialize out of noble 304 00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:37.200 wine tastings, concerts, dinner parties had never heard about, each 305 00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:40.080 tied with things like cash, emerging artists, and hash galla emergie. 306 00:14:40.600 --> 00:14:43.200 I found myself studying the photos late at night, zooming in, 307 00:14:43.399 --> 00:14:47.159 inspecting their proximity, searching for the overlap between professional and personal. 308 00:14:47.720 --> 00:14:50.480 I began to question my own judgment. Did I sound 309 00:14:50.519 --> 00:14:53.879 like a jealous spouse? Was I only noticing patterns because 310 00:14:53.879 --> 00:14:56.679 I'd suffered my own career disappointments, because I was becoming 311 00:14:56.720 --> 00:14:59.799 less central to her daily successes. I told myself it 312 00:14:59.879 --> 00:15:02.039 was an't fair to assume the worst, that creative people 313 00:15:02.039 --> 00:15:04.679 have always worked shoulder to shoulder, that blurring boundaries didn't 314 00:15:04.720 --> 00:15:08.519 have to mean betrayal. Still, the suspicion grew. Sometimes my 315 00:15:08.559 --> 00:15:12.240 resentment surprised me at Elina, sometimes at Tomas, sometimes at myself. 316 00:15:12.799 --> 00:15:15.120 When I finally confronted her, it wasn't dramatic, just a 317 00:15:15.200 --> 00:15:17.559 point a comment while clearing our share workspace after a 318 00:15:17.600 --> 00:15:20.919 particularly cold dinner. You are gone most nights. I barely 319 00:15:20.960 --> 00:15:23.879 know what you're working on any more. She closed her laptop, 320 00:15:23.919 --> 00:15:27.879 set aside. Jesse, I can't drop this project. Tomos's gallery 321 00:15:27.919 --> 00:15:29.600 is everything for me right now, A big show, a 322 00:15:29.639 --> 00:15:32.679 possible grunt. I need you to understand the pressure I do, 323 00:15:32.759 --> 00:15:35.120 I said, though I wasn't sure I want you to 324 00:15:35.159 --> 00:15:37.120 a space, but lately it feels like you are keeping 325 00:15:37.159 --> 00:15:41.080 me at Her face hadn't a defensive then wounded. I 326 00:15:41.120 --> 00:15:42.759 thought you wanted this from me. You pushed me to 327 00:15:42.799 --> 00:15:44.759 dream bigger, But now I do, and you act like 328 00:15:44.759 --> 00:15:47.200 I'm betraying you. That's not what I mean it, but 329 00:15:47.240 --> 00:15:49.840 she shook her head, already done, gathering her phone in 330 00:15:49.879 --> 00:15:52.360 some sketch books, heading for the balcon I watched her 331 00:15:52.360 --> 00:15:54.759 through the glass, back lit by city sodium, her breath 332 00:15:54.759 --> 00:15:57.480 fog in the air. I tried to remember the last 333 00:15:57.480 --> 00:16:00.240 time she'd smiled at something I'd made, or the last 334 00:16:00.320 --> 00:16:02.840 night we called into bed truly together, not just two 335 00:16:02.919 --> 00:16:06.879 artist sharing rent and obligations. For days after, we barely spoke, 336 00:16:07.080 --> 00:16:10.159 passing like ghosts at the edges of our own lives. Still, 337 00:16:10.279 --> 00:16:13.000 every time I caught myself growing colder, I made excuses 338 00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:15.600 for her. A high pressure art world to Moss's relentless 339 00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:18.080 work schedule, maybe even the simple fact that marriages go 340 00:16:18.120 --> 00:16:21.320 through rough patches, especially when one partner is feeling left behind. 341 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:24.399 But the distance between us was becoming impossible to bridge 342 00:16:24.399 --> 00:16:27.960 with rationalizations. That Friday, I resolved to try one last 343 00:16:27.960 --> 00:16:31.200 time to recover whatever spark had gotten loss between grant applications, 344 00:16:31.320 --> 00:16:34.759 late night installs, and tomosses of a rising profile. I 345 00:16:34.799 --> 00:16:36.559 suggested a weekend trip to the coast, to just a 346 00:16:36.600 --> 00:16:39.159 spontaneous escape like we used to deep before dead lines 347 00:16:39.200 --> 00:16:42.120 and unreturned calls. For the first time in weeks. She 348 00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:45.919 seemed receptive. That sounds nice, a, Lena, said, her voice 349 00:16:45.919 --> 00:16:49.159 off as I surprised at her own answer. I breathed easier, 350 00:16:49.240 --> 00:16:52.639 already imagining us laughing over greasy fish sandwitches, fighting about 351 00:16:52.639 --> 00:16:55.399 which way to turn at an unsigned intersection, losing ourselves 352 00:16:55.440 --> 00:16:57.840 in a kind of cheap hotel that doesn't take reservations. 353 00:16:58.480 --> 00:17:00.799 The morning before our trip, she left thoroughly, not on 354 00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:02.919 the counter. Long day at the gallery meeting till Moss 355 00:17:02.919 --> 00:17:05.480 has soughto after. I'll try to make it home early. 356 00:17:05.680 --> 00:17:08.559 Can you pack my camera? It felt like a step back. 357 00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:11.200 I set the camera by the front door, along with 358 00:17:11.279 --> 00:17:13.720 her favorites garlf she'd must place days before, and made 359 00:17:13.720 --> 00:17:17.440 myself busy lining up last minute details, charging batteries, packing snacks, 360 00:17:17.559 --> 00:17:20.480 filling the car with gas. The afternoon passed in a 361 00:17:20.519 --> 00:17:23.880 slow drip of anticipation. I texted twice, all set for 362 00:17:23.920 --> 00:17:26.559 tomorrow and what time should I pick you up? No 363 00:17:26.720 --> 00:17:30.480 answer that night. She called round midnight. Her voice was brisk, 364 00:17:31.200 --> 00:17:32.799 till mows, and I looked at some venues for the 365 00:17:32.839 --> 00:17:35.480 next project. Sorry you didn't see or takes bad service. 366 00:17:35.519 --> 00:17:38.480 I'll be back soon, I pressed gently. It is everything 367 00:17:38.480 --> 00:17:41.960 okay with the gallery. You saund tense, fine, just tired. 368 00:17:42.119 --> 00:17:45.599 Sorry if I'm distracted. She came home even later, a cheek, flush, 369 00:17:45.680 --> 00:17:47.559 hair up in a way I hadn't seen for months. 370 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:50.079 She barely looked at the back, eyed patched for her 371 00:17:50.240 --> 00:17:52.960 brushing past me to the bath room while she showered. 372 00:17:53.000 --> 00:17:55.440 I checked our joint account on a hunch, stomach twisting 373 00:17:55.440 --> 00:17:58.119 at the string of new supply withdraws. I called the 374 00:17:58.119 --> 00:18:02.359 Galleries midline, got a generic fore check to Moss's Instagram 375 00:18:02.359 --> 00:18:04.640 another post, this time from across the city. Lena in 376 00:18:04.680 --> 00:18:08.400 the background, wine glass lifted captioned under wraps visionaries at work. 377 00:18:09.039 --> 00:18:12.640 Maybe it was nothing, Maybe it was everything. I couldn't 378 00:18:12.640 --> 00:18:15.799 tell which explanation it was more insulting. The next morning, 379 00:18:16.039 --> 00:18:18.799 backpacks loaded, coffee in hand. Just as we were about 380 00:18:18.839 --> 00:18:20.920 to walk out the door, she interrupted me, I need 381 00:18:20.920 --> 00:18:23.359 to cancel. There's an emergency at the gallery, funding mess, 382 00:18:23.480 --> 00:18:25.680 possible grant loss to Moss needs me to meet with 383 00:18:25.720 --> 00:18:29.960 sponsors this weekened. But she was already in zipping her back, 384 00:18:30.079 --> 00:18:33.519 placing clothes back in drawers. Sorry, Jess, I can't let 385 00:18:33.559 --> 00:18:36.279 this fall apart. You know how important it is. Our 386 00:18:36.279 --> 00:18:39.279 tone was perfectly flat, not cold, precisely, but focused on 387 00:18:39.319 --> 00:18:42.599 something I couldn't see. She kept packing, humming tuneously under 388 00:18:42.599 --> 00:18:45.680 her breath. I tried to salvage it. Maybe I can 389 00:18:45.720 --> 00:18:49.119 come a long help out, make myself useful. She hesitated, 390 00:18:49.160 --> 00:18:51.799 then shook her head. It'll just be to Moss and me. 391 00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:54.599 We have to handle this one alone. She barely looked 392 00:18:54.599 --> 00:18:57.000 at me. I'll stay at the hotel near the gallery, 393 00:18:57.039 --> 00:18:59.559 long hours, late nights, easier than commuting. I'll text you 394 00:18:59.599 --> 00:19:02.440 if I can. She was out the door in fifteen minutes, 395 00:19:02.599 --> 00:19:05.359 bags over her shoulder, foam pressed to her ear. I 396 00:19:05.400 --> 00:19:08.039 stood holding my coaquys the day's plans dissolving around me 397 00:19:08.119 --> 00:19:10.680 like watercolor in the rain. The apartment felt like a 398 00:19:10.720 --> 00:19:12.599 stage set that after the audience has gone, the set 399 00:19:12.599 --> 00:19:16.160 pieces all present, but the warmth, the possibility absent. I 400 00:19:16.200 --> 00:19:19.160 wandered room to room, picking up old shore catalogs, running 401 00:19:19.200 --> 00:19:21.519