Speaker 1: You were listening to black revolutionary media. You're the latest,
greatest and most mellanated revolutionary works produced for your listening experience.
This episode is As.
Speaker 2: The World Burns, based on a story that is no
longer true, written by Mikayla Berry.
Speaker 3: I want so much love that it hurts. I want
so badly to be wanted. It's affected every relationship I've
ever had. Sometimes I feel like wanting is the only
thing I know. I forget myself in the process every
time I would like to think of myself as full,
as liberated, as happy and sure. But the truth is
I'm avoiding my therapists and have been filling the holes
in me with seven eleven coffee and sour candy terrible
for my teeth. But every single second of every day,
every cell in my body is streaming Love me, Love me.
Won't you stick around and cradle my fragile, beating heart
and never think of me as anything but lovely and
entertaining and beautiful and fun. Won't you please drink me
and as if I'm life's most delicious nectar and you
are an ambitious honeybee with an insatiable thirst for me
Forever It's quite exhausting to want to be everyone's brightest
and most fragrant flower when so often you don't get chosen.
Pick me, Oh, won't you just pick me? Please? I'm
actually extremely unafraid of dying. I'm very afraid of the
people I love dying. They cannot leave me. I would
be too broken and I wouldn't be able to bear it.
What I'm saying is, I am tear of being left.
Pick me and love me forever. I am begging. I
am fueled by love and touch, and I dare you
tequila shots and flowers on my birthday from my secret
word crush, that fluttering in my heart, that feeling and
receiving a beautiful thing by a beautiful person, that thrill,
and stooping down to give a dog a pat on
the head, even if I am running late and buying
four different bath mats until I find one in the
exact shade of pink in the orchids on the shower curtain.
I want to be loved for that kind of precision.
I want to be adored for my particularities. I am
clumsy and foul mouth and all things beautiful and wild,
But I want to feel precious I am and capable,
and sure willed and right spirited on my own. Yes,
I very much enjoy my own company. I find myself
hilarious and charming. But I still want to be somebody's darling. God,
oh God, do I want when the foundations of the
life you imagine for yourself crumble, When you can no
longer find solace in the warm space of your brain
designed for longing, when everything is ringing and cold, where
do you go? What happens to your wanting? What happens
to your wanting when you don't get the things you need?
It gets misplaced, and then you find yourself falling in
love with anyone who has a little more flesh in
their cheeks than your own. You imagine the saxophone player
making coffee in the morning, even though you barely spoke.
Just love the electricity you could feel, iminative from his
fingertips with every note, wishing you could taste it. But
you're not a song, not to them, not to anyone.
You want to be, But you aren't.
Speaker 4: Maybe you're something else entirely.
Speaker 3: Nikki twenty three, Los Angeles native poet, deep thinker, lover
or not a fighter? I live in Harlem now alone.
I love Odre Lord, nineties, R and B, my cat Muffin,
and my family. I double majored in sociology and education.
I am excited for all of the things I know
my life is going to be. I love to help people.
I love to teach. I love being a saut ever
growing thing. I mentor high school students. I want to
be a guidance counselor. I want to help as many
people as I can. I intend to leave this world
better than I found it.
Speaker 2: Tony twenty five, Miami native. I live in Philadelphia now,
the West Side.
Speaker 4: I play piano. I'm a visual artist, self taught. I
stay in my head a lot. I'm quiet. I love
to be outside. I love the earth.
Speaker 3: I love my garden.
Speaker 2: I want a big house with a lot of land
one day so I can teach my kids how to grow.
Speaker 4: Their own food. I love earth, wind and fire and
strawberry frosted donuts. I'm a sucker for sunrises.
Speaker 2: I'm a morning person, and I don't know what I
want in life. Sometimes life feels so gray and cloudy.
I get anxious for brighter days. June twenty twenty.
Speaker 3: June twenty twenty I stay inside, afraid of so many things,
this virus, this world. Being a black woman has never
been seen.
Speaker 2: I have too much to lose. I have everything to lose.
Being a black woman has never felt safe.
Speaker 3: But even right now, this time feels different.
Speaker 2: I find myself aching for brighter days. I feel like
I'm waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what.
Speaker 4: I spend a lot of time.
Speaker 3: And there's been a lot of time lonely. I wonder
when that's going to change. It has to. Hi, everyone,
please try and keep yourself louted until we get started.
It helps with background noise. I also as that you
all keep your cameras on, at least initially, as this
space is attended only for black folks and I want
to make sure we're all safe in this environment. Okay, cool,
So we'll wait a few minutes to allow people to
log on. But while we wait, can everyone tell me
their name, pronouns, and where they're from in the chat? Oh, Austin, Hi, Brooklyn,
We're in Brooklyn, Oh, Bedstide, Okay, I'm in Harlan myself.
Anyone uptown Washington Heights, Hey, neighbor, Okay? Cool? So we're
from all over Jersey. Okay, cool, cool, I'm seeing La
Philly Houston, cool cool cool, all right, so I guess
we can get started. I'm Nikki, I use she her pronouns,
and I wanted to hold a space for black people
to just be together and heal and breathe and talk
with one another. And I absolutely hate that I can't
embrace folks and be with my people physically. But I
am not fucking around with this pandemic. So I thought
I could provide something virtual for us to just be together.
So I'd like to start by grounding us in a
collective breath. So if everyone could please close your eyes,
if you feel comfortable, We're going to do what's called
a box breath. You let all of the air out
of your body for four seconds. In hell for four,
hold for four, then exhale for four. All right, so
exhale two three four, inhale two three four, hold two
three four an exhale two three four. So let's just
start with a check in. Feel free to utilize the
chat or unmute yourself when you're ready to share. But
how is everyone feeling personally? I'm really tired. I haven't
been out protesting because I'm scared of Corona and I
don't want to go to places where there are too
many people around. But I don't know. I'm making donations,
I'm spreading information, I'm holding spaces like this, but it
doesn't feel like enough, just just because I'm so isolated.
That's where I'm at now, and I want to welcome
anyone who wants to share with us how they may
be feeling, if they need anything from our little virtual community. Really,
this is just an open space for us to share
with one another.
Speaker 4: Hi, I'm Tony she her Hers.
Speaker 2: I'm in Philly now, but I'm from Miami, and yeah,
I don't know about y'all, but I'm ready to start
burning shit down. I mean, all of this makes me
so fucking angry and I just want to fucking riot.
I mean, all of this makes me so mad and
lost and hurt and confused, and I don't know. Right now,
it's hard to see anything outside of my anger.
Speaker 3: Thank you for sharing, Tony. I completely understand your anger
and want to validate and uplift that and let you
know that there's nothing wrong with that anger. I want
to encourage us all to not feel negatively towards any
feelings that may arise for us during such unprecedented times.
We're in a global pandemic and there's a strong surge
of racially charged violence. It's always been there, of course,
but this moment is heightened due to out circumstances. There's
nothing wrong with being angry. Your anger is valuable.
Speaker 4: Even thank you, I hadn't thought about it like that.
Speaker 3: I want to encourage all of us here to accept
our emotions and feelings as they come, without judgment. So
often we caveate our emotions, and especially as black women,
there are practically no spaces for us to be ourselves
without judgment or fear. This is my small attempt to
create a space for us to just be. Does anyone
else want to share? First? Some definitions liberty, the power
of choice, Revolution, a sudden, radical or complete change. Day
of reckoning, a day or time in the future when
people will be forced to deal with an unpleasant situation
which they have avoided until now. Now some advice, Please
keep wearing your mass as y'all are stressing me out.
We're still in a pandemic. Be mindful that abolition, not reform,
is what's needed for a sustainable future. We are continuing
in the hard work of completely uprooting a past that
has never served us equitably. We have to burn everything
down to re emerge completely transformed. We are deep in
the trenches of a year's long, centuries old struggle. Pace yourself.
There's always more to learn. If you're willing to be uncomfortable.
Your activism is trash. If it's transphobic, and if you
aren't showing up for a black trans folk with your
entire being, then you are not an ally and I
demand more from you. Do better. Do not become immobilized
by your fear staying your rage. Monuments are falling and
we need to keep pulling until all of them are dust.
Remember that where all your social media was directed to
the advocacy of black life, and resources were being circulated
at lightning speed, and we quickly organized mutual aid, bail funds,
flooded donations to black organizations, and people across the globe
came together in protest. Can we have more of that?
I believe that we can win, but we have to
be all in together for the rest of our lives.
We have to be intentional about what we mean when
we talk about love, because love is hard work. It
requires accountability and discomfort. Love is a necessary component of liberation,
but only if treated with care and respect.
Speaker 2: Hey, I really liked your vibe in the Healing Space.
Speaker 4: Just thought I no, Hey, thanks for holding space for us.
That was dope. Okay, now that that doesn't sound like
me really appreciated the space you hosted.
Speaker 2: Thank you for taking the time to do it.
Speaker 4: Is that like too formal?
Speaker 5: Should I just be like, hey, Hey, it was a
pleasure meeting you at the Healing Space.
Speaker 3: I really appreciated your honesty and vulnerability. I'm here if
you ever want to talk.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, I think.
Speaker 3: I would like my next lover to buy me a
set of knives. They will hear me complaining about the
ones I own, how they're dull and don't fit nicely
in my hand, and how I could never debone fish
with knives like these, and wouldn't it be nice if
we could have fish? Sometimes they will tell me dinner
was amazing and fish would be nice. They will wordlessly
do all the dishes as I sit with a glass
of wine on the couch, playing music that we both enjoy.
We will go to bed still smelling a little bit
like garlic and dish, soap, intertwine, connected breath and sinc
and out and out. We hold hands in our sleep
to bring the other inter our dream worlds. Should we
need protection? Should we see something so unfathomably beautiful we
had to show it to the other. Next night, they
say they have a surprise and pulled out a new
set of knives, nice ones, sturdy ones, and trout from
the grocery store. They tell me they did their research
and spent an hour at sort of time comparing, drove
the sale person to near tears because they wanted to
make sure they picked the right ones, the best ones.
They say we can have fish for dinner. They don't
tell me about the bones they fine and their fish
after I've cooked it, sweating and proud and in love
with my new knives, but more so in love with
someone who listens to me even when I don't feel
like I'm saying anything important. That's the kind of love
I deserve. I know this. Hey it's Nikki. My last
name is Houston. If you're like me and needs to
save people's context with the first and last name, Lol.
Speaker 2: Hellowell, good thing you added the last name. I'm the
same way I'm Tony Richard Sparkle EMOCHI.
Speaker 4: Have you been surviving?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 4: Well, it's been a rough few months.
Speaker 2: I got laid off because of the pandemic and feel like, okay,
like everything is just going badly for me right now?
Speaker 4: Okay, Fuck, that.
Speaker 2: Was probably too intense. You probably wanted a more simple response. Shit,
should I say something else?
Speaker 3: That's completely understandable. I know so many people who face
insurmountable hardships as results of the pandemic. In addition to
the protests that are happening right now, it's probably very
easy to see the negative endings right now.
Speaker 4: Oh my god, is this squirrel real?
Speaker 3: Wait? May I ask if you feel comfortable with sharing
what you're doing to take care of yourself and these times?
Speaker 4: Yeah?
Speaker 2: I guess playing music has been a wonderful release for
me these days. I spend a lot of time outside
when I can, too, which has been helping.
Speaker 6: Nikki loved a text, Love it.
Speaker 4: What do you play the piano?
Speaker 3: Bestlie?
Speaker 4: Trying to pick up the drums too, but it's been.
Speaker 2: A slower process. Do you play any instruments?
Speaker 3: OMG, I've always wanted to learn the drums. Nah, I
don't play anything. I'm an expert playlist maker, though.
Speaker 4: What kind of music do you listen to?
Speaker 3: Oh? All kinds, lots of R and B Lol, I'm
a sucker for Early two thousand, R and B one twelve,
Tevin Campbell, all of it. Lol.
Speaker 4: Can We Talk is a classic?
Speaker 7: Nikky loved attacks, but I also love current, shit, scissors, lounge, fring, Ocean,
of course, oh and blood Orange.
Speaker 6: Tony loved a text what about you?
Speaker 4: Seems like we have a lot of overlap.
Speaker 3: I love that.
Speaker 4: I'm a big jazz fan Coltrane, Davis.
Speaker 2: All the greats, but I also love Thundercat Anderson Pack.
Speaker 4: My taste is all over the place.
Speaker 6: Nicky loved a text.
Speaker 3: Seems like we have some shit in common.
Speaker 6: Tony loved a text.
Speaker 4: How long have you been in New York?
Speaker 3: Let's see six years down here for school? Never left? Lol?
Where are you from? Los Angeles? Born and raised? Said emoji,
palm tree emoji? You always been in Philly.
Speaker 2: Nah, came out here to go to Drexel. I'm from Miami, though,
I had to get the fuck out of there.
Speaker 4: Hello. Well, where'd you go to school?
Speaker 3: Bernard? Double major in sociology and education? What about you?
Speaker 4: Do you want to teach? I majored in environmental science.
Speaker 3: Nikki loved a text so cool my roommates sophomore in
junior majored in environments with science. I never knew what
the fuck she was talking about, but seemed really interesting. Lol.
Speaker 6: Tony laughed at a text I.
Speaker 3: Think, yeah, eventually I want to teach be a guidance counselor.
I think not sure yet. I still really have a
tie to the arts. A minor in theater.
Speaker 4: Holy shit, a double major and a minor. Did you sleep? Ever?
Speaker 3: Not as much as I like to, that's for sure.
I just couldn't choose one thing. You know, I wanted
to try everything.
Speaker 4: I get that.
Speaker 2: Sometimes I feel like I have too many hobbies and
I don't get to spend time doing all of them.
I paint, I played piano, and I'm learning the drums.
Like I said, I'm trying to teach myself sign language.
Sometimes I kn't.
Speaker 4: I have a garden, hello, well, lots of hobbies.
Speaker 3: Nikki emphasized attacks a garden hard as emoji. I can
barely keep my house plans alive.
Speaker 6: Tony laughed at attacks.
Speaker 3: I'm falling asleep, but I have an idea if you're
down smiley face.
Speaker 4: I'm listening eyes emoji.
Speaker 3: Want to do a playlist slap, I'll make you one,
you make me one.
Speaker 6: Tony loved a text I love.
Speaker 4: That sparkle heart emogi. Are there any rules?
Speaker 3: Maybe like old school mixed tapestyle eight songs, max A
side B side type shit sunglasses emovie?
Speaker 4: Ooh tricky, but yeah, I'm down sick.
Speaker 3: Maybe we FaceTime with our reviews if that's okay with you.
Speaker 2: I'd love that smiley face emoji. How's this weekend Saturday works?
Speaker 3: Yeay?
Speaker 4: Sparkle emoji. I'm excited to hear plays and see your
face smiley face.
Speaker 3: Nicky loved a text same here, good night, sleep and
face emoji.
Speaker 6: Tony loved a text.
Speaker 2: Right now I am feeling angry in a way that
I am not used to, and it fills me with
a fire and an unsteadiness. I am curious but simultaneously
suspicious of. Normally, when my heart gets broken, I mourn
and weep, wrap myself in wrinkled sheets for days until
a friend asked me if I showered recently.
Speaker 4: But this feels different.
Speaker 2: Normally, when my heart gets broken, I hold it in
my hands.
Speaker 4: Be wo did baby bird chirping for its.
Speaker 2: Mother, cooing, kissing at it gently to soothe its cries.
Speaker 4: Sometimes the bird dies. I don't though, I never do.
Speaker 2: Normally, when someone breaks my heart, I call home or
go home, or desperately try to make a home within myself.
Speaker 4: But that never works.
Speaker 2: Now my heart is breaking, and all I do is
chain smoke and listen to otis redding on my fire, skime.
Speaker 4: Becoming a parody of myself, looking in the mirror and
silent it.
Speaker 3: Wi was spring? Who the fuck is that?
Speaker 2: Wondering if the selfies I put on Tinder show the
best parts of me. Wondering if I ever feel good,
feel better, if the fire.
Speaker 4: Will ever stop.
Speaker 2: I don't know if I'm actually angry.
Speaker 4: I've never really been angry. I don't think, not sure.
I know how. I mostly just get sad or hurt
or both.
Speaker 2: I don't know if that means I'm incredibly soft or
incredibly selfish, absorbing what people hurl at me, no.
Speaker 4: Matter how painful. Whenever someone yells at me, I just swallow.
Speaker 2: It hard a bottom shelf vodka with no chaser, and
apologize for whatever I'm sure I did wrong in my
head it's always if I stay quiet, it'll be over faster,
and never advocate for yourself, bitch.
Speaker 4: I don't want to be like that anymore.
Speaker 2: So I don't know how to throw a punch. If
I was ever in trouble, I would only know how
to run away.
Speaker 4: I would only know how to cry and beg and say.
Speaker 2: Please no, Please no, as I cower and surrender my life,
not fighting for it at all.
Speaker 4: But this feels different.
Speaker 2: Tony's playlist Name Mixtape track list Nights Over Egypt, The
Jones Girls, He Loves Me, Lizella and E Flat, Jill Scott,
Afro Blue, Robert Glasper Experiment and Erica Badu Prototype Outcast,
Can't Keep My Cool, Duran Jones and The Indications Still Blue, Sir,
Angel Scott, I Want You Around, Snow Allegra, My.
Speaker 4: One and Only Love, John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman.
Speaker 3: Nikki's playlist name, Joyful Boys track List, Bittersweet, Lean Lahs Cutney, Moses,
Sunny Hairdown Sir and Kendrick Lamar, get Away, j The
Chicago Kid, Strawberry Letters, twenty three, shoogy Otis You Say
Go to Link Tyler the Creator and j Prin's Virtual insanity, Jamaric,
Why trouble on Central, Buddy? This girl is like really cool.
I hope I get to learn more about her.
Speaker 4: I really hope I get to know more about her.
Speaker 3: I am nervous though so often I open my heart
up completely to people who see me more as an
idea than a person. I just don't want to get
hurt again. Maybe I'm reading too much into this already.
I don't know.
Speaker 4: I wonder what she thinks of me.
Speaker 3: I'm not afraid of love, No, quite the opposite. Maybe
that's the problem.
Speaker 2: I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I
get this blood feeling about her. I don't believe insultmates,
but there is something special about her.
Speaker 3: There's something different about her.
Speaker 4: I wonder what it is. I can't wait to find out.
Speaker 8: As the World Burns written by Mikayla Berry, Nicky laid
by Gushia Nixon, Tony played by Joanna Murkins, and stage
directions read by mia Ko Gabia.
Speaker 1: Thank you for listening to Black Revolutionary Media. You can
check us out online and hear more of our work
at Black Revolutionarymedia dot com and support our work at
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