WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.240 --> 00:00:04.160 Welcome to the Becoming You Show, where limits get torched 2 00:00:04.440 --> 00:00:09.759 and possibility takes the MCing. I'm Leah, rowing human in 3 00:00:10.039 --> 00:00:15.480 permanent beta, neurostrategist, mom to three amazing humans, married to 4 00:00:15.599 --> 00:00:20.000 one legendary soul, and your no fluff permission slip to 5 00:00:20.199 --> 00:00:25.920 stop waiting. Every week we rewire brain patterns, smash hand 6 00:00:25.960 --> 00:00:31.199 me down mindsets, and die into the daring identity shifting conversations. 7 00:00:31.440 --> 00:00:36.359 Most people got ready to turn potential into proof. Grab 8 00:00:36.439 --> 00:00:43.039 your pen. Your next chapter starts now. I'm glad, I'm 9 00:00:43.039 --> 00:00:45.320 glad you're here with me in this conversation because it 10 00:00:45.439 --> 00:00:49.600 is one that I want every single person that I love, 11 00:00:49.759 --> 00:00:53.359 and that's you, to hear. This is the work that 12 00:00:54.359 --> 00:00:58.880 actually changes things, not not the dramatic stuff that this stuff, 13 00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:02.759 this stuff, this stuff that looks relatively simple on the 14 00:01:02.799 --> 00:01:07.920 outside but rearranges everything on the inside. So, okay, this 15 00:01:07.959 --> 00:01:12.079 is where we're at week three of the August series, 16 00:01:12.159 --> 00:01:15.719 So quick catch up if you're just landing here. There 17 00:01:15.760 --> 00:01:19.400 are four connected episodes this month, one word each right, 18 00:01:19.640 --> 00:01:22.400 and the words build into a framework. Sometimes I give 19 00:01:22.439 --> 00:01:27.159 you the framework at the very beginning. I'm intentionally slowing 20 00:01:27.239 --> 00:01:32.719 down so that you can capture each word in its essence, right. 21 00:01:33.359 --> 00:01:36.799 So week one was raw, it's the unedited truth about 22 00:01:36.840 --> 00:01:42.799 your pain. Okay. Week two was authentic who you are 23 00:01:42.959 --> 00:01:47.799 underneath the story about who you are, right, And that's 24 00:01:47.840 --> 00:01:50.519 not a bunch of word jumble. I make a lot 25 00:01:50.519 --> 00:01:53.079 of sense of it. I think good sense of it. 26 00:01:53.719 --> 00:01:55.239 And so for those of you that have told me 27 00:01:55.280 --> 00:01:59.439 that you love that one, thank you. And then this 28 00:01:59.480 --> 00:02:05.319 week's word is necessary necessary, And in this conversation we're 29 00:02:05.319 --> 00:02:08.400 talking about agency. And I'll tell you where we're going 30 00:02:08.759 --> 00:02:11.400 so you can hold me to it, because by the 31 00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:13.599 end of this episode, I'm going to give you one 32 00:02:13.680 --> 00:02:17.439 question and that question has seven words. And I genuinely believe, 33 00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:21.199 and I know this is a strong statement, but from 34 00:02:21.319 --> 00:02:24.800 years of doing this work, that this question can hand 35 00:02:24.879 --> 00:02:29.759 you your life back. It can and it has and 36 00:02:29.800 --> 00:02:32.800 I've witnessed it and I have observed it. But first 37 00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:34.719 we get to clear some things out of the way, 38 00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:40.080 because agency might be one of the most misunderstood words 39 00:02:40.599 --> 00:02:42.719 in personal growth. I have a few, and you know 40 00:02:42.759 --> 00:02:45.199 what they are. This is one of them. And what 41 00:02:45.240 --> 00:02:49.919 people think it means, right, is exactly why that it 42 00:02:49.960 --> 00:02:52.879 gets pushed away. So I want to give you a 43 00:02:52.919 --> 00:02:55.520 heads up. The episode collects a lot of dots. It's 44 00:02:55.520 --> 00:02:58.680 going to bring back the story from week one, the 45 00:02:58.759 --> 00:03:02.520 labels from week two, and it's good a point where 46 00:03:02.520 --> 00:03:04.719 we're going next week. So if any of it feels 47 00:03:04.719 --> 00:03:08.159 like a lot, that's why we're building. But just just 48 00:03:08.280 --> 00:03:11.159 stay with me. So I want to start with a 49 00:03:11.199 --> 00:03:14.879 confession about my own audience, my own audience, right, and 50 00:03:15.520 --> 00:03:17.759 you're part of that audience, but the audience that I 51 00:03:17.800 --> 00:03:20.199 wrote this book for. Right. I wrote a book called 52 00:03:20.919 --> 00:03:23.319 No One Is Coming to Save You, a whole book, 53 00:03:23.680 --> 00:03:26.800 and it's right there in the title. Long story shirt 54 00:03:26.800 --> 00:03:29.960 producer didn't want that title. Whatever, that's the title I wanted. 55 00:03:30.080 --> 00:03:33.599 That's the title I got. I still meet people every 56 00:03:33.639 --> 00:03:37.759 single week who are waiting, right, waiting for the apology, 57 00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:43.199 waiting for circumstances to ease out, waiting for other for 58 00:03:43.280 --> 00:03:47.000 the other person to finally change any day. Now, surely 59 00:03:47.039 --> 00:03:49.639 they're going to waiting for the market, waiting for the 60 00:03:49.719 --> 00:03:51.960 kids to get older, waiting for the summers not to 61 00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:54.360 go so fast, waiting for the schedule to come down, 62 00:03:54.400 --> 00:03:58.080 waiting for January, waiting for somebody to notice how hard 63 00:03:58.599 --> 00:04:02.280 it's been and come and make sense of it. And 64 00:04:02.319 --> 00:04:04.879 I want to say it. I get it, I've done it, 65 00:04:04.919 --> 00:04:07.360 and there are probably corners of my life where I'm 66 00:04:07.400 --> 00:04:10.479 doing it right now and I haven't caught it yet. 67 00:04:11.479 --> 00:04:14.120 Because that's the thing about waiting. It doesn't feel like 68 00:04:14.199 --> 00:04:17.040 waiting from the inside. From the inside, it feels very responsible. 69 00:04:17.199 --> 00:04:21.600 It feels patient, it feels humble even right. Good people 70 00:04:21.680 --> 00:04:24.920 wait their turn, right, That's how so many of us 71 00:04:24.920 --> 00:04:28.519 were raised. But here's what I want to offer you today. 72 00:04:29.240 --> 00:04:35.879 And it might sting a little. Waiting feels like patience, 73 00:04:37.040 --> 00:04:40.360 it isn't, okay, And here's how you can tell the difference. 74 00:04:40.639 --> 00:04:44.279 Patience is doing something while it waits, right, It's building, 75 00:04:44.319 --> 00:04:46.600 it's getting ready so when that moment opens up, you're 76 00:04:46.600 --> 00:04:51.160 prepared for it. Waiting is just watching the door, watching 77 00:04:51.160 --> 00:04:53.800 the door, sitting on your hands. So I really want 78 00:04:53.800 --> 00:04:57.600 you to ask yourself, what are you building while you wait? 79 00:04:58.680 --> 00:05:00.720 What are you building? And if you can't answer that, 80 00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:08.160 I say this with love. You might not be You're 81 00:05:08.160 --> 00:05:12.920 not you might not you or might not being patient. Okay, 82 00:05:13.279 --> 00:05:16.839 you're just waiting. And what you're waiting for, right, and 83 00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:18.920 I want you to be honest with yourself is you're 84 00:05:18.920 --> 00:05:23.560 waiting for something outside of you to hand your life back, 85 00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:27.319 and I am here to tell you that it's not coming. 86 00:05:27.959 --> 00:05:30.600 And that is the whole book, Okay. And I've had 87 00:05:30.720 --> 00:05:33.480 this exact moment with so many clients, right. They come 88 00:05:33.480 --> 00:05:37.439 in with a situation that they've been sitting in for months, 89 00:05:37.759 --> 00:05:41.600 sometimes years, oh my gosh, sometimes decades, waiting waiting, waiting, 90 00:05:41.639 --> 00:05:44.199 waiting waiting for the spouse to change, waiting for the 91 00:05:44.199 --> 00:05:46.959 boss to notice, waiting for the market to turn, waiting 92 00:05:46.959 --> 00:05:51.040 for their body to cooperate. And I will say, so, 93 00:05:51.120 --> 00:05:54.279 what have you done about it? And they'll pause and 94 00:05:54.319 --> 00:05:57.079 they'll say, well, I've just kind of been giving it time. 95 00:05:57.160 --> 00:06:01.839 And I'll say, giving what time? Because time doesn't do 96 00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:06.279 the thing you do the thing. Time just passes, and 97 00:06:06.360 --> 00:06:09.279 time passing without you moving isn't patients either. It's not 98 00:06:09.319 --> 00:06:11.720 even neutral. It's just time that you don't get back. 99 00:06:12.480 --> 00:06:15.000 And that's when it usually lands, right because deep down, 100 00:06:16.480 --> 00:06:19.639 you know they know, right, some they just needed to 101 00:06:19.680 --> 00:06:23.040 hear somebody say it out loud. Yeah, me too. Okay, 102 00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:27.160 So if we don't have that, what's the other option? Agency? Agency? 103 00:06:27.720 --> 00:06:30.839 But before I tell you what it is, okay, I 104 00:06:30.920 --> 00:06:34.279 have to be clear about what it isn't because there 105 00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:36.160 are four things, and I'm sure there's more, but as 106 00:06:36.199 --> 00:06:39.040 I was like working through my notes, there are about 107 00:06:39.040 --> 00:06:41.560 four things that I when I think about agency, right, 108 00:06:42.120 --> 00:06:46.759 that people define it as and then it gives them 109 00:06:46.920 --> 00:06:50.040 really great reason to kind of push the thing away. 110 00:06:50.160 --> 00:06:53.000 And so maybe that's you. It's for sure been me. 111 00:06:53.360 --> 00:06:59.399 So first, people think agency means control. Right, they hear 112 00:06:59.439 --> 00:07:04.720 agency and they think it means that life right is 113 00:07:04.759 --> 00:07:08.920 supposed to cooperate. Now, okay, and then life doesn't cooperate. 114 00:07:08.959 --> 00:07:12.639 Have you noticed, mm hmm, Yeah, yeah, the economy is 115 00:07:12.680 --> 00:07:14.959 going to do what it does, and and other people, yeah, 116 00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:18.519 they're going to keep being them. They're going to keep 117 00:07:18.519 --> 00:07:23.839 being other people, right, And the diagnosis comes anyway, right, 118 00:07:25.560 --> 00:07:29.240 and then what happens is they go, see, Celia, I tried, 119 00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:31.399 I tried, I tried take a charge of my life 120 00:07:31.399 --> 00:07:33.759 and it just didn't work. So agency must not be real. 121 00:07:35.199 --> 00:07:39.360 But agency in the way that I define agency never 122 00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:44.759 said love that the world would cooperate. Other people, not yours, 123 00:07:45.000 --> 00:07:48.639 the past, not yours, the weather, the algorithm, whether somebody 124 00:07:48.759 --> 00:07:53.199 likes you, what they decide to do, not yours, not yours. 125 00:07:53.279 --> 00:07:58.160 Not yours, not yours? Right. Anybody who told you that 126 00:07:58.240 --> 00:08:02.839 agency means controlling outcomes right outside of you set you 127 00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:08.439 up to quit, set you up to fail. Right. Control, 128 00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:17.439 External control is a game you cannot win. Agency is 129 00:08:17.480 --> 00:08:19.279 a different game. I'm gonna show you that in a 130 00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:22.120 minute second. And I think this is a big one. 131 00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:24.800 People think that agency means blame, right. This is the 132 00:08:24.839 --> 00:08:27.680 real reason that most people push it away. They hear 133 00:08:28.199 --> 00:08:32.519 take responsibility for your life and what lands is right? 134 00:08:33.240 --> 00:08:36.080 So many times, oh oh, so, what happened to me 135 00:08:36.159 --> 00:08:41.440 is my fault? Right? And everything in them says no, 136 00:08:42.279 --> 00:08:49.000 and then they shut the door, And honestly, probably good instinct, 137 00:08:49.600 --> 00:08:53.799 because that would kind of be a terrible deal. But 138 00:08:53.960 --> 00:08:55.440 I want you to hear me out on this one. 139 00:08:55.679 --> 00:09:01.919 What happened to you and what you do next two 140 00:09:02.360 --> 00:09:08.759 different questions. Right. Fault looks backward, It asks who caused this? 141 00:09:09.320 --> 00:09:13.759 Responsibility looks forward, it asks who's got it from here? 142 00:09:14.039 --> 00:09:16.960 And you can answer those two questions differently. You can 143 00:09:17.000 --> 00:09:21.360 be completely not at fault at all for what happened, 144 00:09:21.840 --> 00:09:27.440 completely and completely responsible for what happens next. Both at 145 00:09:27.440 --> 00:09:32.000 the same time. They don't cancel each other out. I 146 00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:34.000 had a client once, right, and this was such a 147 00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:37.399 big moment for her. She'd been through something awful, just 148 00:09:37.879 --> 00:09:42.440 oh my gosh, so so so awful, right, not her fault, 149 00:09:42.480 --> 00:09:45.120 not even a little, and she'd been stuck in it 150 00:09:45.159 --> 00:09:50.000 for years because taking any ownership of her recovery felt 151 00:09:50.000 --> 00:09:53.480 like letting the other person who hurt her off the hook, 152 00:09:53.919 --> 00:09:57.240 like if I move forward, I'm saying it was okay. 153 00:09:57.840 --> 00:10:02.240 And we spent an entire session on this exact distinction, right, 154 00:10:03.519 --> 00:10:09.120 not at fault, yes, yes, true and responsible from here 155 00:10:09.480 --> 00:10:13.120 true right. It took her a minute okay, but when 156 00:10:13.159 --> 00:10:18.480 it landed, I mean tears, tears, and she said, so 157 00:10:18.720 --> 00:10:24.159 I'm allowed, I'm allowed to move from here. Took her 158 00:10:24.159 --> 00:10:29.120 a minute, right, But when it landed, yes, yes, I said, yes, 159 00:10:29.200 --> 00:10:33.120 you're allowed to move. You always were. And that was 160 00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:37.759 the beginning of her actually rebuilding her life. Not because 161 00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:41.879 she agreed right the thing that was okay, but because 162 00:10:41.919 --> 00:10:46.360 she stopped waiting for permission to have a life again. 163 00:10:46.600 --> 00:10:52.600 She stopped waiting for someone to save her okay. And 164 00:10:52.679 --> 00:10:56.960 the second part is not a burden. It's the best news, right, 165 00:10:57.720 --> 00:11:00.360 because it means that the person who hurt you doesn't 166 00:11:00.399 --> 00:11:03.360 get to continue to hurt you and doesn't get to 167 00:11:03.399 --> 00:11:06.480 write you the script for your future. I want you 168 00:11:06.519 --> 00:11:10.759 to think about the alternative. If my healing, if my future, 169 00:11:12.120 --> 00:11:15.759 if if the capacity of me to build my life 170 00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:21.519 waits on somebody else, waits on their apology, waits for 171 00:11:22.480 --> 00:11:26.919 the very thing that happened to not have happened. Right, 172 00:11:27.320 --> 00:11:31.320 if my piece requires them to change, I've made my 173 00:11:31.480 --> 00:11:35.600 piece depend on them. And well, I don't know, but 174 00:11:35.720 --> 00:11:39.679 a lot of times these stories don't Necessarily the people 175 00:11:39.720 --> 00:11:44.320 in these stories don't actually prove to be reliable. So 176 00:11:44.399 --> 00:11:47.679 why would we hand the person right who did the 177 00:11:47.799 --> 00:11:52.159 damage to the next chapter of our life? Right? They 178 00:11:52.200 --> 00:11:55.440 had enough? They had enough paragraphs, maybe a whole chapter, 179 00:11:55.480 --> 00:11:58.200 maybe a whole like a whole book, maybe many books. 180 00:11:58.200 --> 00:12:02.279 Maybe it's a whole secrets. Isn't it enough? Isn't it enough? 181 00:12:04.320 --> 00:12:08.799 The third one, right, is that people think that agency 182 00:12:08.879 --> 00:12:14.960 means hustle, right, grip harder, grind more, push through, And 183 00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:18.399 I'm here effort matters, for sure. I'll never tell you 184 00:12:18.440 --> 00:12:22.120 that effort doesn't matter. But working really hard inside the 185 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:27.480 same story isn't agency. It's just effort. If the story 186 00:12:27.600 --> 00:12:30.919 running underneath is I have to prove that I'm enough, 187 00:12:32.360 --> 00:12:36.919 Ask me how I know? Right. You can grind for 188 00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:39.600 thirty years and end up exhausted in the same place. 189 00:12:40.720 --> 00:12:43.799 The question isn't how hard you're running, it's who wrote 190 00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:47.840 the track you're running on. I meet so many high 191 00:12:47.879 --> 00:12:51.600 performers here, people who look from the outside like the 192 00:12:51.600 --> 00:12:55.240 opposite of stuck. Right. They're accomplishing constantly, right, They've got 193 00:12:55.240 --> 00:12:57.600 the results, they've got the resume. They're the person that 194 00:12:57.639 --> 00:13:00.399 other people point to and say, wow, wow, how while 195 00:13:00.399 --> 00:13:03.399 they've really got it together. But when we get inside 196 00:13:03.440 --> 00:13:13.360 the whole engine, their entire fueling system is running on 197 00:13:13.399 --> 00:13:17.159 the same story that it's always run on, and more 198 00:13:17.200 --> 00:13:21.320 accomplishing doesn't change that story. Actually, sometimes it feeds it. 199 00:13:21.399 --> 00:13:24.320 Sometimes the more they do, the louder the not enough 200 00:13:24.360 --> 00:13:28.759 gets right, And they can't rest because rest feels like 201 00:13:28.840 --> 00:13:33.000 admitting the story is wrong, right, And they can't afford 202 00:13:33.159 --> 00:13:36.279 for that story to be wrong, because the story is 203 00:13:36.360 --> 00:13:41.000 what's been driving them. Agency isn't the answer for that, right, 204 00:13:41.080 --> 00:13:46.120 It isn't Rewriting the story is the answer. Agency is 205 00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:51.879 what lets you do the rewriting right. Hustle is often 206 00:13:51.919 --> 00:13:55.559 the exact thing that, like HRIPs the pen out of 207 00:13:55.600 --> 00:13:59.120 your hand, right, because you're too busy. At least I 208 00:13:59.320 --> 00:14:07.840 was proving efforting to sit down and write. And lastly, 209 00:14:08.279 --> 00:14:12.320 people think agency means positivity, right, put a smile on it, 210 00:14:12.879 --> 00:14:16.960 good vibes. Right, don't look at the hard thing because 211 00:14:17.000 --> 00:14:21.399 looking feels negative. Right. That's not ownership, that's avoidance. That 212 00:14:21.480 --> 00:14:25.000 just is as dressed up as pretty and positive. Right. 213 00:14:25.519 --> 00:14:29.639 Real agency, real agency can look at the whole thing, 214 00:14:30.039 --> 00:14:35.480 the whole thing, the news, the numbers, the actual state 215 00:14:35.519 --> 00:14:39.399 of the marriage, or the business or the health. They 216 00:14:39.440 --> 00:14:42.480 don't have to run, they can stay in the room 217 00:14:42.480 --> 00:14:48.799 with it. Right. And you can't take ownership of something 218 00:14:48.799 --> 00:14:52.039 that you refuse to look at. Right. If you can't 219 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:54.879 say the true thing about where you are, you can't 220 00:14:54.960 --> 00:14:57.320 move from where you are, right. You can only move 221 00:14:58.039 --> 00:15:01.600 from a starting point that you were willing to see. Right. 222 00:15:01.639 --> 00:15:05.159 And this this one is very sneaky too, because positivity 223 00:15:05.200 --> 00:15:08.799 looks so much like health, right, it looks like resilience, 224 00:15:08.799 --> 00:15:12.519 It looks like having a great attitude. But underneath, if 225 00:15:12.519 --> 00:15:16.440 it's just covering up something that you refuse to face, right, 226 00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:24.919 it's not helpful. It's not helpful. It's denial. Every single 227 00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:29.679 time right, You can't write, you can't author, you can't 228 00:15:29.720 --> 00:15:34.879 pick up the pen right and create that with which 229 00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:41.960 you refuse to acknowledge. So what agency actually is? Right? So, 230 00:15:42.240 --> 00:15:45.840 if it's not control, if it's not blame, if it's 231 00:15:45.879 --> 00:15:48.960 not hustle, and it's not positivity, then what is it? 232 00:15:49.080 --> 00:15:51.679 What is it? Maybe just quickly grasp it for yourself 233 00:15:51.679 --> 00:15:53.240 in your mind and just kind of see where we're 234 00:15:53.240 --> 00:15:55.799 at philosophically on this. Like what when I asked, if 235 00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:57.279 I were to ask you, if you were sitting across 236 00:15:57.320 --> 00:15:59.240 from me and I say, what does agency mean to you? 237 00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:04.240 What would you say? Because here's what I would say. 238 00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:08.240 Between what happens to you and what you do about it. 239 00:16:08.279 --> 00:16:13.159 There's a gap, and it's small, it's quiet a lot 240 00:16:13.200 --> 00:16:17.360 of times, but it's always there. Right, Something happens right, 241 00:16:17.799 --> 00:16:21.960 the email lands, the comment stings, the door closes, the 242 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:28.720 client says no, the market crashes, right, and before your response, 243 00:16:28.759 --> 00:16:32.480 there's a space. Most people never notice it because their 244 00:16:32.519 --> 00:16:35.600 patterns jump the gap so fast it feels like there's 245 00:16:35.600 --> 00:16:39.200 no gap at all. Right, something happens, they react, Something happens, 246 00:16:39.200 --> 00:16:42.600 they react, something happens, they react, right, A whole life 247 00:16:42.600 --> 00:16:45.879 on autopilot. That feels like fate, feels as if life 248 00:16:45.919 --> 00:16:50.879 is happening to you. Okay, agency is deciding to live 249 00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:56.399 in that gap on purpose. It is because here's a 250 00:16:56.559 --> 00:17:02.679 very casual truth underneath everything I teach. Right, you don't 251 00:17:02.840 --> 00:17:11.480 author every event in your life. Nobody does, Thank goodness. Honestly, 252 00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:13.839 what a job? What a job? That would be right? 253 00:17:14.920 --> 00:17:19.039 But you do author every meaning, every meaning. The event happens, 254 00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:22.720 and then in that gap, your mind decides what it means. 255 00:17:23.599 --> 00:17:26.799 He didn't call back. That's the event. What does it mean, right? 256 00:17:26.920 --> 00:17:28.599 What does it mean? Does it mean that I'm not 257 00:17:28.680 --> 00:17:34.920 worth calling back? Right? That's one option. He's swapped. That's another. 258 00:17:35.440 --> 00:17:37.839 He's not my person and I just found out early. 259 00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:42.119 That's another. Same event. Three meanings, and there are many 260 00:17:42.119 --> 00:17:47.400 many more meanings, right, And those three meanings create three 261 00:17:47.480 --> 00:17:52.279 totally different feelings, and those feelings drive three totally different 262 00:17:52.359 --> 00:17:56.920 sets of actions and behaviors. And those actions and behaviors, well, 263 00:17:57.359 --> 00:18:04.440 they build three different lives. The event starts the sentence, right, 264 00:18:05.440 --> 00:18:09.359 something happens, The event starts the sentence, the meaning, and 265 00:18:09.400 --> 00:18:13.279 the meaning finishes it, and you're the one finishing it. 266 00:18:13.640 --> 00:18:16.880 You have always been the one. Nobody took that from you. 267 00:18:17.200 --> 00:18:21.039 We just forgot that we're doing it, or we were 268 00:18:21.119 --> 00:18:27.160 never told that it was ours to own. So I 269 00:18:27.200 --> 00:18:29.599 want to give you another one because I really want 270 00:18:29.640 --> 00:18:32.319 you to see this. Okay, let's just say your kid 271 00:18:32.359 --> 00:18:35.079 did bad on the test. Let's just say that's the event. 272 00:18:36.400 --> 00:18:39.759 What does it mean? Right? There's a thousand different meanings 273 00:18:39.759 --> 00:18:42.319 you could make based on your experience. None of them 274 00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:45.440 are right, none of them are wrong. Okay, but maybe 275 00:18:45.519 --> 00:18:50.759 the meaning is that they're not applying themselves, right. That's one. 276 00:18:51.039 --> 00:18:55.440 Maybe they're overwhelmed and I need to check in. That's another. 277 00:18:55.559 --> 00:18:59.240 Maybe this class is just over their head and we 278 00:18:59.279 --> 00:19:02.880 need a new place and a new start. That's another. 279 00:19:04.279 --> 00:19:10.079 I failed them somewhere somehow, that's another. Right, Maybe the 280 00:19:10.160 --> 00:19:14.680 teacher isn't doing a very good job at explaining and 281 00:19:14.759 --> 00:19:21.960 describing the scenarios that are being tested. That's another. Each 282 00:19:22.319 --> 00:19:28.160 of those creates a different feeling, which drives a completely 283 00:19:28.200 --> 00:19:34.119 different conversation and ends up in a different place three 284 00:19:34.119 --> 00:19:40.519 months from now, same event, same event. Right. The meaning 285 00:19:40.559 --> 00:19:45.279 that you give it has been assigned to you the 286 00:19:45.319 --> 00:19:49.119 whole time, and that's the whole switch. And I know 287 00:19:49.160 --> 00:19:51.200 you guys, I know you've heard me one hundred times, 288 00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:54.599 if not more than that. We spend all this time 289 00:19:54.799 --> 00:19:59.240 in our life and almost no time working on our life. Right. 290 00:20:01.920 --> 00:20:06.599 This is that living in in your life is reacting 291 00:20:06.799 --> 00:20:09.839 to whatever happens. Working on your life is noticing the 292 00:20:09.880 --> 00:20:12.240 gap and choosing on purpose. That's it, that's the switch. 293 00:20:12.920 --> 00:20:15.640 So the honest question is, if this is available to 294 00:20:15.720 --> 00:20:18.240 all of us all the time, why do we keep 295 00:20:18.279 --> 00:20:22.160 hand handing it away? Why do we just keep giving 296 00:20:22.160 --> 00:20:25.559 it away? And the honest answer, the honest answer is 297 00:20:25.599 --> 00:20:29.440 agency is heavy. It's heavy. The minute you accept that 298 00:20:29.480 --> 00:20:33.279 you have it, Waiting stops being in an option. Right, 299 00:20:33.319 --> 00:20:38.720 there's no there's there's no more Sunday when when they apologize, 300 00:20:38.720 --> 00:20:41.559 when there's none of that. There's just you, just you, 301 00:20:41.680 --> 00:20:45.519 beautiful and the gap and the choice. And I have 302 00:20:45.559 --> 00:20:49.720 to be honest with you. Powerlessness, that's the word I 303 00:20:49.720 --> 00:20:53.480 want to use here. Powerlessness has perks, just it does 304 00:20:53.880 --> 00:20:59.720 blame comfortable, blame asks nothing of you, right, no decisions, 305 00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:04.079 no no chance of failing, right, because you've just given 306 00:21:04.119 --> 00:21:09.839 over the wheel. Right. But it also builds nothing for you. Nothing. 307 00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:14.839 That's the trade. Comfort now, nothing later, And most people 308 00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:17.559 take the trade without ever looking at what it costs. 309 00:21:18.880 --> 00:21:22.680 So remember week one, that rehearse story. Here's where it connects, 310 00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:24.960 because I told you these build on each other. Right, 311 00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:28.680 Our rehearse story is the one. It is one of 312 00:21:28.720 --> 00:21:32.759 the most commonplaces agency goes to die because you cannot 313 00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:36.960 write the next chapter while you're still performing the last one. 314 00:21:37.039 --> 00:21:42.240 Something has to put the old script down first. Right. 315 00:21:42.319 --> 00:21:46.880 That's why raw came before necessary, before agency. That was 316 00:21:47.039 --> 00:21:51.400 very purposeful when I created this framework. So here's the 317 00:21:51.480 --> 00:21:57.480 question that I promised to you. This week's word is necessary, 318 00:21:57.559 --> 00:22:01.799 and this question is how you find what's necessary every swing. 319 00:22:01.880 --> 00:22:05.960 Everything's swirling in your life right now, the noise, the unfairness, 320 00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:11.079 the shoulds. This question sorts all of it. Here's the question, 321 00:22:12.599 --> 00:22:17.599 what is mine to do here? Really? What is mine 322 00:22:17.839 --> 00:22:23.039 to do here? Really? That's it? What is mine to 323 00:22:23.119 --> 00:22:26.559 do here? Really? So let me tell you what it's 324 00:22:26.720 --> 00:22:32.680 not asking. It's not asking what would be fair? Fair's 325 00:22:32.680 --> 00:22:38.319 a great idea, it's not. It's just not a plan, right, 326 00:22:39.640 --> 00:22:42.680 and a lot of us are on hold waiting for 327 00:22:42.799 --> 00:22:45.839 fair to show up. Know what else? It isn't It's 328 00:22:45.880 --> 00:22:49.960 not asking what should have happened here? Right? Should is 329 00:22:50.119 --> 00:22:53.640 arguing with something that already happened. You lose that argument 330 00:22:53.720 --> 00:22:57.359 every single time. It's also not asking who's fold it is? 331 00:22:57.400 --> 00:23:03.359 We've covered that, just what is mine to do here? Really? 332 00:23:04.079 --> 00:23:06.079 And I want you to watch what happens the very 333 00:23:06.079 --> 00:23:10.000 first time you actually ask it, because something almost almost 334 00:23:10.200 --> 00:23:14.839 innate happens. Right. Most of what you've been carrying doesn't 335 00:23:14.920 --> 00:23:23.640 survive the question, right, what is mine here to do here? Really? Right? 336 00:23:24.160 --> 00:23:26.680 A lot of times we were like their opinion of you, Nope, 337 00:23:26.720 --> 00:23:29.759 not yours. The apology that may never come, Nope, not yours, 338 00:23:30.119 --> 00:23:33.359 whether they change, whether it was fair, whether what will 339 00:23:33.400 --> 00:23:37.440 everybody think? Not yours, not yours, not yours? All that weight, right, 340 00:23:38.640 --> 00:23:42.799 most of it not yours. So then what's left is 341 00:23:42.880 --> 00:23:49.839 so small, so small? Right? Your attention, that's yours, Where 342 00:23:49.920 --> 00:23:55.519 you pointed, your interpretation, what you decide things mean, what 343 00:23:55.559 --> 00:23:58.799 your next action is? And here's really what I want 344 00:23:58.839 --> 00:24:04.880 you to hear. That little pile who is enough? Every 345 00:24:05.000 --> 00:24:09.920 transformation I have ever watched in every client, in every company, 346 00:24:09.960 --> 00:24:14.640 in my own life started with that little pile and 347 00:24:14.720 --> 00:24:20.839 nothing else right. So I want to give you a 348 00:24:20.880 --> 00:24:23.920 real example of what asking this question can do, right, 349 00:24:24.359 --> 00:24:29.079 I had a client, business owner incredibly frustrated with the 350 00:24:29.079 --> 00:24:33.400 partner situation. Right, she came into a session hot rightfully, 351 00:24:33.440 --> 00:24:37.480 so honestly, there were real things happening that in her 352 00:24:37.480 --> 00:24:40.039 mind were not fair. And I let her get all 353 00:24:40.079 --> 00:24:42.720 of that out, all of the way, and then I said, okay, 354 00:24:43.200 --> 00:24:46.160 what is yours to do here? Really? And she got 355 00:24:46.200 --> 00:24:49.240 quiet and she said, honestly, I've been so busy proving 356 00:24:49.279 --> 00:24:52.200 that I'm right that I haven't asked what I actually 357 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:57.799 want to do. Right, And within literally, you guys, thirty days, 358 00:24:58.160 --> 00:25:00.599 she made three moves that she'd been waiting for an 359 00:25:00.720 --> 00:25:03.240 entire year, not because the partner situation changed, but because 360 00:25:03.279 --> 00:25:06.880 she stopped waiting for the partner situation to change. Right, 361 00:25:07.079 --> 00:25:09.160 That's what the question does. It doesn't fix the situation, 362 00:25:09.359 --> 00:25:13.640 just hands you back you as an asset as the solution, 363 00:25:13.880 --> 00:25:19.200 as as as somebody that is incredibly resourced. So here's 364 00:25:19.200 --> 00:25:22.039 where I want you to take home in this conversation. Hey, 365 00:25:22.720 --> 00:25:24.440 I want you to pick a situation that you've been 366 00:25:24.480 --> 00:25:26.720 waiting the longest for. Right, you already know which one 367 00:25:26.720 --> 00:25:28.920 it is. It came to mind when I was talking 368 00:25:28.920 --> 00:25:31.559 about the waiting, didn't it right? Maybe it's the apology 369 00:25:31.640 --> 00:25:33.599 that you're owed. Maybe it's the change that you were promised. 370 00:25:33.640 --> 00:25:36.960 Maybe it's the permission that you hope somebody grants to you. 371 00:25:37.079 --> 00:25:40.519 Maybe maybe it's the economy. Maybe it's the president. I 372 00:25:40.599 --> 00:25:45.119 don't care, right, what is mine to do here? Really? 373 00:25:45.960 --> 00:25:49.000 And write down whatever comes? It might be small, small 374 00:25:49.039 --> 00:25:53.200 as fine, okay. Maybe it's make the call. Maybe it's 375 00:25:53.400 --> 00:25:56.880 have the conversation. Maybe it's update the resume. Maybe it's 376 00:25:56.960 --> 00:25:59.720 booked the I don't care what it is. Maybe it's 377 00:25:59.759 --> 00:26:02.480 just to forgive them with theout the apology. Maybe it's 378 00:26:02.519 --> 00:26:04.720 just to let go for the first time ever of 379 00:26:04.720 --> 00:26:06.920 something that you have known, that you have no control over, 380 00:26:07.119 --> 00:26:13.440 and for whatever reason, control things entirely necessary in your mind. Okay, 381 00:26:14.200 --> 00:26:17.599 because you're done paying for it, not because they earned it, 382 00:26:19.160 --> 00:26:21.839 because you're done paying for it. And then I want 383 00:26:21.880 --> 00:26:26.240 you to do one piece of it whatever you wrote down, 384 00:26:26.359 --> 00:26:32.799 in the next forty eight hours, because intention expires faster 385 00:26:32.880 --> 00:26:35.680 than we think. If it doesn't get scheduled, it becomes someday. 386 00:26:35.920 --> 00:26:38.160 And I'm not interested in a Suday life for you. 387 00:26:38.240 --> 00:26:42.559 I'm interested in a nowday life for you. Okay, Okay, 388 00:26:42.720 --> 00:26:48.240 So one more thing before you go, and it's it's 389 00:26:48.559 --> 00:26:53.119 and I'm asking because it's a simple it's it's it's 390 00:26:53.200 --> 00:26:58.640 simple to do, but living it is a practice. Your 391 00:26:58.680 --> 00:27:01.279 brain is going to try really hard to hand the 392 00:27:01.319 --> 00:27:03.680 pen right back to the circumstances, to the situation, to 393 00:27:03.720 --> 00:27:05.839 the other person the first chance it gets. It's just 394 00:27:05.880 --> 00:27:08.359 what brains do. They want to go back to the familiar, 395 00:27:08.359 --> 00:27:11.200 and for most of us, the familiar is the waiting right. 396 00:27:11.279 --> 00:27:14.000 So you have to keep asking right. You have to 397 00:27:14.000 --> 00:27:16.359 build the muscle of catching yourself waiting and stepping back 398 00:27:16.400 --> 00:27:21.039 into the question, and that takes reps, and that is 399 00:27:21.119 --> 00:27:26.240 where we do the reps in inner Board. So if 400 00:27:26.240 --> 00:27:28.240 they're not in the lab, it's my membership and it's 401 00:27:28.279 --> 00:27:31.799