Speaker 1: The best way to support this podcast is by going
to patreon dot com slash softcore History, where each week
you get two additional episodes on Wednesday and Friday. And
at this point we have a three year evergreen back
catalog of content that'll take you at least months to
get through, So go ahead and check out Patreon dot
com slash softcore History. Thank you. On today's episode of
Softcore History, we're talking more mints.
Speaker 2: And how it's a miracle they ever escaped Missouri.
Speaker 1: We're talking about Bring Them Young specifically, and their journey
west to Utah and why that was an.
Speaker 2: Issue with the US government and how America's worst president
ever somehow couldn't deal with a couple thousand creepy Colt
Hill people.
Speaker 1: We're talking, of course, about the Utah War. So sit back, relax,
and listen about the real life American primeval.
Speaker 2: Welcome to soft Core History.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to Softcore History. I'm your host Food Week damagester,
joined as always by Rob Fox.
Speaker 2: What's up?
Speaker 1: Hey did early morning pod? I know?
Speaker 2: Sick of working before noon. It's bullshit. I don't like it.
I just want to be laying on my couch right
now while my children play and are liked play with us.
I'm like, no, I can't. I can't.
Speaker 1: And we're joined again by the one and only mister America. Yeah,
Scott Lopez, what's going on everybody.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the first time I've woken up before noon
in like a year. I'm doing great night shift. Dude,
this is you have an excuse.
Speaker 1: You're not like a open mic comedian.
Speaker 2: Right, yeah, true, it's just like a piece of shit.
He's like, yeah, it's my job. I go to open
miccause I don't wake up before one o'clock. I do
cocaine all night, so it's a living.
Speaker 3: And then yeah, I do five mics and don't work
on material. I'm garbage because I moved to Austin for
KILTONI and had one shot and I bombed on that.
But everyone wants to book me because I was on
a podcast.
Speaker 2: And then that what, dude, I want to like murder.
I have to actively like say not interested in stand
up clips on like Instagram and shit now because it's
all just crowd work. And I'm like, you lazy piece
of shit. Yep, tell a Jouke write a fucking joke.
I can't stand it if you're if your fucking stand
up Instagram page is like mostly crowd work, you suck
in your garbage.
Speaker 1: Isn't that to kind of keep your material secretive? Isn't
that the idea?
Speaker 2: I mean, just be writing constantly, write jokes. If your
whole job is to write material, keep writing new material,
don't you be? Like that's where you're from.
Speaker 1: Old school comedians from like the eighties, like a dice
he could get an hour, he'd have an hour of
material and it would last him like two decades.
Speaker 2: Yeah, true, yeah, yeah, but like still, it's just like
it's so lazy. It's so lazy. I can't watched crowd
works coast off it Baby, it's the dumbest ship.
Speaker 1: Imagine if we had a crowd for the podcast.
Speaker 2: I would hate that.
Speaker 1: Like there's no topic today. We're just gonna be like
you look like that.
Speaker 3: You look like that, you sir, tell me history things right?
Speaker 2: History is a mystery for you. Look like if if
if Teddy Roosevelt was gig, I did it. That's kind
of like all kill Tony or Tony Hinchcliff does. I
feel like though, it's just every someone comes up and
he's just like you look like a black guy be
up there and be like, you look like if Michael
Jordan was in the Holocaust, and then everyone was like,
oh he said the Holocaust. It so eddric. Then a
fat guy comes up and he's like, you look like
you were at Auschwitz, but you ate everyone, and everyone's like.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's a spot on impression show.
Speaker 2: Just like it's the teeth you look like you look
like if you look like you were you guarded a concentration.
Speaker 1: Can this show is really just about Rob Venton. Yeah,
about anyone that's more successful than right now.
Speaker 2: He's so angry, right he.
Speaker 3: Woke up and shows violence.
Speaker 1: Dude, Well today we're going to talk about people more
successful than Rob.
Speaker 2: Wow, could be anyone.
Speaker 1: It's a it's an open wide fast.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, today we're talking about Merrimons. Okay, the Mormons because
you watched the show, Yeah, American prime eval who hasn't
watched it?
Speaker 2: I have it yet. Actually I still need to watch it.
Speaker 1: It's incredibly violent, so keep your kids away.
Speaker 2: Is it like Bone Tomahawk level of violence?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Hell, I haven't seen Bone Tomahawk, but I imagine a
dude gets scalped and survived.
Speaker 2: Okay, Bone tomahawk goes hard.
Speaker 1: It's pretty hard. Dudes are just catching arrows and bullets
out of nowhere.
Speaker 2: I love that.
Speaker 1: But yeah, it's about bring them young. The Mormon Church,
the Wild West.
Speaker 2: Steve Young's great great grandfather. Yeah, NFL legend, Steve Young.
We overlooked that quite a bit. Yeah, it really is odd.
It's like, so you're the direct descendant of a cult
leader whose cult is still quite successful.
Speaker 1: They're bucking. Yeah, probably never better and honestly one of
the better cults because every Mormon I've ever met incredibly nice.
Speaker 2: Yeah, nice people, and they're good. They're smart religion. They're
like Catholicism in that they just by by real estate,
you know what I mean, And they and say what
you want about the Mormons, great churches.
Speaker 1: And low key. They run a lot of like local
politics in Arizona, Utah. It's still in that West.
Speaker 2: Yeah. Yeah, that's why Trey Parker says he's obsessed with
Mormon because there's like a million in Colorado, like a
Utah is obviously the hub, but it you know, it
spreads a little to the other.
Speaker 1: And of course we have a common thread. We love Orlando.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you have that in common with them.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like Mormon Paradise. Yeah, Orlando, Florida, Disney.
Speaker 2: I mean it's like I said before many times, there's
a whole song and Book of Mormon about loving Orlando.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they nail it, Yeah they do.
Speaker 2: They know what they're talking they know what they're talking about.
Speaker 1: But no, we're gonna talk about specifically their Utah settlement
and the Utah War. Okay, in eighteen fifty seven and
eighteen fifty.
Speaker 2: Eight, Utah War against what the youths, the US government? Oh,
against the US guy.
Speaker 3: I think it was against everyone.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's whoever was in Utah. You just got murdered.
Speaker 1: You could get it. Yeah yeah, yeah, you cross the Mormons,
you could get it.
Speaker 3: As soon as they got there. This is my land. Dude,
They're like what.
Speaker 2: I feel like, I already I don't know much about
this war, but I feel like in general, the US
government was probably like eventually like whatever, it's Utah, Like, yeah,
they're not taking California, you know, like fuck it.
Speaker 1: Some presidents were One president specifically was not. And it's actually, uh,
his blunder, Buchanan's blunder.
Speaker 2: This is Buchanan's blunder. Boy on a long list that's
at the top.
Speaker 1: James Buchanan has a long, long, just like CVS list
of failures.
Speaker 2: Yeah, just one after the.
Speaker 1: Worst US president by far By Mile.
Speaker 2: There's any any anyone like Joe Budden's worst.
Speaker 1: President in history Nowald Trump's.
Speaker 2: You are an unserious person if you believe that. Read
a book, read a book, read a book. But uh it, yeah,
he's suck It. Also just is funny to me like that. Uh,
we don't know for sure, but he was probably gay
and gay, but gay. He was a bachelor rob Yeah,
confirmed bachelor.
Speaker 1: Maybe he was just crushing Puss in the White House.
Speaker 2: We don't know, we don't have those records.
Speaker 1: Probably not Yeah, probably gay.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, but it's just funny like that. He'll never get.
Speaker 1: Claimed, No, dude, he'll be a gay icon. Yeah, we
should put that on the gaze. Yeah, like you ran
the country once.
Speaker 2: Yeah, if you're serious, and look what happens to a
civil war. Yeah, it is just just dis honest though,
like you could you're not being an honest person if
you're not claim if you're like you want to like
call Lincoln gay or something like you need to claim
Buchanan or you're not being an honest.
Speaker 1: Person, right. And also, Lincoln's not gay, He's not. He
was just wrestling with his boys, you know. And those
Lincoln log cabins.
Speaker 3: Nothing's gay between the boys, dude. No, Not that you
can do with the boys is ever gay.
Speaker 1: No, Well bring him young and the Mormon sellers first
set foot in Salt Lake Valley in July of eighteen
forty seven, after seventeen turbulent years after the founder of
the Church of Latter day Saints by Joseph Smith in
New York. Mormon polygamy and behavior was uncouth for most
American society, and they were treated as social prize. Chased
off to the Rocky Mountain Wilderness from Missouri.
Speaker 2: They tried to settle in Missouri, and we were like,
get the fuck out.
Speaker 1: Well, that's my next bullet point in here, you see.
In eighteen thirty eight, Missouri Governor Lilburn Boggs issued Order
forty four proclaiming the Mormons an enemy of the state
then must be pushed out and exterminated all together, now,
making it legal to kill anyone of the LDS on site.
That law was in effect until nineteen seventy six.
Speaker 3: The bogs dogs, dude. Yeah, just going out there killing people.
Speaker 2: You don't want to ask my dad what he was
doing in nineteen seventy five.
Speaker 1: We gotta get Scalps.
Speaker 2: We gotta get him while we can. But I wonder
if this is probably easy to look up, but I'm
not going to and who cares. But I wonder if
Order forty four, because we were talking about Star Wars
before this and General grievous to Order sixty six.
Speaker 1: Yes, star Wars. You think that was the kind of
influence for Star Wars for George Lucas he steals everything.
Speaker 2: Yeah, maybe it makes sense. Yeah, come on now, Order
forty four, Order sixty six going after a religious order?
Speaker 3: Whoa Jedi is our religion?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: What what if Mormon's had Jedi powers?
Speaker 3: All the more reason to kill them because you're scared.
Speaker 1: That's why they're so powerful.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and think about it, they all live like obi
Wan out in the fucking desert.
Speaker 1: Huh. Can we just crack that Star Wars is actually
about the Church of Latter Day States.
Speaker 2: It's like, all right, it's Dune, but we'll throw Mormon
in and what else. I don't know he really did.
It's just such a ripoff.
Speaker 1: Why don't Jedis have like twenty seven lives then?
Speaker 2: I don't know. But they all fuck and they're not
supposed to they're not supposed to write, Yeah, but they
all do.
Speaker 1: Joseph Smith and his followers set up shop in Illinois
after being chased out of Missouri. A Mormon paper in
their new settlement criticized leadership. This again, a guy in
their own church criticized Joseph Smith and his leaders for
polygamy as ungodly and that the church had gone a
little too far from their roots. Their roots, which you know,
it was like an eight year old religion at this point.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Joseph Smith didn't take kindly to this criticism, and he
literally burned the press to the ground. State officials had
to come in and arrest Smith and his brother for
inciting a riot and acts of treason against the state
of Illinois.
Speaker 2: Now, can you still get treason against a state? Can
you make treason against Nevada?
Speaker 3: Like? I hope? So I want to find out.
Speaker 2: I really want to find that out.
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think if you go into the strip and
just take the casinos for too much money, yeah, they
charge you trees against Nevada.
Speaker 2: We need to come up with a list of just
like what gives you trees and for every state, you
know what I mean.
Speaker 3: I would choose like North Dakota because why would I
ever go there. Yeah, you can probably just steal a
bunch of cows and then that's treason enough, I think. Yeah,
that's one of the states where there's more cows than people.
So if you just take a bunch of cows, that's
kind of all they got.
Speaker 1: I believe all our missiles are up there too.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'll be fine. Yeah, whatever they can't see me. Dude,
I can wear like a poncho's are really good against
thermals and stuff.
Speaker 1: You start flying drones up in North Dakota. We doing
up there?
Speaker 2: Yeah, just a dronist, just a hobbyist.
Speaker 3: Yeah, drone boy trying to get footage.
Speaker 1: If your beautiful land.
Speaker 2: In these silos, I'm gonna paint them.
Speaker 1: They knew right away it was a lie. It's not
beautiful land.
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly. That guy's here to commit treason.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Specifically, during their transportation to prison, a local mob rises
up in Both Joseph and his brother are gunned down
before ever seeing their day in court. On June twenty seventh,
eighteen forty four, a succession crisis for church leader arises
in a certain sect splits off, but most except the
leadership of Brother Bring Them Young.
Speaker 2: And we did an episode on another sect.
Speaker 1: August of fury four. I'm gonna get to it, okay,
Young plan to move a group in April of eighteen
forty six, but had to leave a little bit earlier
in February to cross the cold Mississippi River when local
Illinois and militia's forced them out by gunpoint. Yeah, like, hey,
time to go pack up.
Speaker 3: You're across that cold ass river right now.
Speaker 1: Dude.
Speaker 2: Fuck that. Although actually, I mean it depends on the year.
It doesn't really do it anymore. But there's pictures from
Saint Louis back in the day of the Missisippi River
like frozen over and people just going out and walking
on it and shit like that. I've never seen that.
I would never do that.
Speaker 1: Play hockey on the Mississippi River.
Speaker 2: The ice is a little too jagged. It's like all
these like like the ice flow just like jams up
against each other and you can just kind of like
walk out on that. It feels like an easy way
to die.
Speaker 1: Oh, they couldn't have like a mystery Alaska situation where
they played the New York Rangers.
Speaker 2: No, no, Now, the Blues aren't playing a pond game
on the Mississippi River anytime soon to my knowledge. That
would be sweet though, And they're just like, oh no, no, no,
that to play it dead in the ice, like falling through.
That's the hockey I would to watch.
Speaker 1: Yeah, every sport should have the danger of dying.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, hockey's the closest. Hockey is the only
sport where I've seen someone die on the ice. Football
you still always happened.
Speaker 1: But Teddy Roosevelt, Oh yeah, yeah, but that was a
long time ago.
Speaker 2: Hockey. That happened two years ago.
Speaker 1: With well, I mean you have literal knives on your feet. Yeah,
that fucking footage. I forget who the Florida Panther goalie was,
but he has his throat slash. It still haunts me
to this day.
Speaker 3: And he like survived. He was so much blood it
was crazy.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but everyone saw that clip.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's the word. I'd rather get tortured then get
my throat slit.
Speaker 1: That sounds terrible, That is honestly, I I do have
a fear of getting my throat slit, Like, if I
can go the rest of my life without that happening,
that'd be ideal. I don't want to go out with
my throat.
Speaker 2: Have great news for you, probably gonna achieve that goal.
Speaker 1: You can't promise me that I'm gonna go out violently
and that might happen.
Speaker 3: Okay, dude, you have to keep the beard forever now
as a dis protection.
Speaker 1: So where's the neck? Where's the jug?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: I don't know. They might just find an easier way.
Speaker 1: I also have to keep the beard forever because I
have no chin at this point. Yeah, who knows what
it looks like.
Speaker 3: It could be glorious.
Speaker 1: The thirteen hundred mile Mormon Trail took the church out
of US territory into ungoverned Mexican land and gave hope
to an isolation that would allow them to practice their
religion in peace. What you was this was forty seven Okay,
So yeah, well that was till a year later when
the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, with the land that they
set up shop on to get away from American persecution
became property of the US.
Speaker 2: Gilment, but By the way, they're doing this while the
war's going on, so they had to know, like there's
a decent chance this is America next year.
Speaker 1: They're really cheering for the Mexican.
Speaker 2: Literally like, oh please God, Mexico, pull it out.
Speaker 1: Oh pull it out, because like Mexico doesn't even want
to bother with us up there.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're like.
Speaker 1: Too far out of reach.
Speaker 2: I just really hoping Scott can't land his fleet march
to Mexico City. Come on, man.
Speaker 1: There's also a little thing that happens the same year
that pops off the California gold rush in eighteen forty eight. Yep,
even though bad timing for them.
Speaker 2: Even though forty nine is I guess when everyone started
moving out there.
Speaker 1: I guess yeah, But if the forty eight is where
they find gold, let's say the forty nine ers they
go out, But forty eight is actually the year.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, so got a word's gotta spread, right, But
I think the population influx wasn't forty nine, which is
why people who moved there were the forty they're forty
nine ers.
Speaker 1: So a bunch of get rich quick bros passed through
and calls quite a disturbance to the Mormon Church.
Speaker 2: I feel like they could just make money off him
little waypoint. You know, here's more stuff, like.
Speaker 1: A Jim Bridger would do that, yeah, at his at
Fort Bridger. Okay, But the Mormons, they just wanted to
practice their.
Speaker 2: Little religion, just be left alone in the desert kind
of to have they ought there. It's funny that they
wanted to turn into hills have eyes people. They just
kept trying to keep civilization away, like no, no, no,
we want to live in the hills. We want to
have what's going to eventually be incest if it's if
it isn't already, just because there's so many wives, you're
not gonna be banging your sister at one point.
Speaker 1: I'm here to tell you the Mormon Church were actually
the original libertarian party.
Speaker 2: I guess kind of kind of just leave you alone
to do whatever I want. Don't ask what it is. Yeah, yeah,
there is such a thing as too libertarian, right, Like
I guess that just bleeds into anarchists eventually.
Speaker 3: Or the sovereign citizen people.
Speaker 2: With their navy flags and shit.
Speaker 3: Yeah, the worst.
Speaker 2: I don't even I don't even understand how broken your
brain has to be to believe that, yeah, like you
have to. It is funny too, because you'll just be
like like someone who's like probably failed high school history,
and then they're like, oh, but I I figured it out,
figured out history now figured out Like I didn't. I
skip government class every day to smoke cigarettes and take pills.
But uh, yeah, this brain knows how a government works. Yep, sure, buddy.
Speaker 1: Well I also read the book nineteen eighty four.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so you know a lot.
Speaker 1: I know how this ends.
Speaker 3: I never read that one in school. I just completely
skipped it and never did the book report.
Speaker 1: No one's ever actually read that book. They just said
they did. Yeah, I'll go they quote it. They like me,
that makes sense.
Speaker 2: Then.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I've always felt left out, but it feels good
now knowing.
Speaker 2: I think of all the books I was assigned to
read in or high school, I probably.
Speaker 1: Read like four Sam spark Notes cover to cover saved
my ass in so many situations.
Speaker 2: You better believe I had no interest in cracking open
the grapes of Wrath. That just wasn't happening.
Speaker 3: They tried making me read two books and do two
book reports over the summer from sophomore junior year. Yes, sweet,
they wanted me to do homework, not in school hours.
Speaker 2: It was insane bullshit, I did.
Speaker 1: I did you think I'm gonna read that French rag
known as The Stranger? I do, thank you.
Speaker 2: That is one of the books I read cover to cover.
I did read The Stranger all the way through.
Speaker 1: I got the gist of it.
Speaker 2: It was just so interesting, like, oh.
Speaker 1: I don't I killed him on I smoked cigarettes killed me.
Speaker 2: I feel nothing.
Speaker 3: Why the only one I read was of Mice and
Men because it's like twelve page.
Speaker 2: Yeah, some of those, So that's the thing. Like Grapes
of Wrath is a steinback book that's like volumes, but
all those other books are like they're pamphlets.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the Holocaust book Night Noisel.
Speaker 2: I think I read a chapter though.
Speaker 3: That was like forty pages.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Really sure he was a little kid, though, what's he
going to remember exactly?
Speaker 1: Yeah, those numbers are misreported.
Speaker 2: Trying to think I definitely didn't do uh. I didn't
do uh. What do you call it? That stupid JD.
Sounder catching the Rye didn't read that one?
Speaker 1: Yeah, same now, thankfully. Actually, one of the books I
read in high school was a Banded Brothers that was cool.
Speaker 2: I read that on my own, and I read black
Hawk Down like on my own. Uh. The other one
I read was a separate piece and uh a Farewell
to Arms. Those are like the only ones where I
read it all the way through.
Speaker 1: And then of course summer rad in like in elementary
and middle school. Johnny Tremaine, Yeah, what happened to your hand? Johnny?
Speaker 2: It's also just like sucks like I have to. I mean,
I'm sure a lot of these books like classics, but
I was like, I want to read Jurrassic Park. Like
when I was in the tenth grade, I was reading
like Drassic Park. I want to read that. I don't
want to read some stupid book about a boy in
the American Revolution. Okay, where are you marching on Boston?
Speaker 3: Shut the fuck up, I don't care, fuck you little kid.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Johnny Tremaine.
Speaker 1: So Young sent his advisors to DC to negotiate with
the White House, proposing a giant state of Desert Rat,
which would cover Utah, Nevada, Arizona, parts of California, and Oregon,
just a huge territory the desert.
Speaker 2: I like that as a state named Desert Rat.
Speaker 1: I think after what they believed was their kind of
unofficial mascot, the desert rat.
Speaker 4: Okay, they did so for food, rat meat and then
make love to five women It's life.
Speaker 1: They did so hoping they could at least govern themselves
rather than have an outsider come in. President Millard Fillmore
laughed at this request, but figured there was no harm
in appeasing them and these religious weirdos with a much
smaller and less desirable area of Utah. So you can
have this fucking part of it.
Speaker 2: Take it.
Speaker 1: You can't have California.
Speaker 2: Or yeah, you absolutely can't have California. That's off the table.
Speaker 1: Take the fucking actual desert exactly. He also pointed young Governor.
Because someone had to keep these freaks in line, it
might as well be their own leader.
Speaker 2: See. I think that's what happened with I don't know
if it says on the show before, but I feel
like I've told you before where like that's how Texans
viewed Austin for the longest time. It's like so weird
that the state capital of a very conservative state is
so like liberal and weird. And I honestly I think
like textan like boots boots with their suits. Republicans were
just like, hey, let the weird queers have their little fun.
Speaker 1: Too.
Speaker 2: It'll mean nothing.
Speaker 1: What the middle of the state. There's nothing here.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there wasn't there fucking wasn't like it was just
a little weird like, yeah, whatever, these little freaks do whatever.
They won't And then by then too many people started
moving here, and now they're like, we gotta lock this down,
and they started getting paddle boards and becoming too powerful.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they're fucking celebrating e Or's birthday.
Speaker 3: Naked out of the park for e Or. Yeah, those
are wild though. Everyone smells bad there though.
Speaker 1: Yeah, no one wears the utterrant there.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't like it.
Speaker 2: Yeah that is also weird, Like naked park. I like,
what where the where a kid is?
Speaker 1: Yeah? Just dog out like.
Speaker 2: I'm just like, god, damn it. It's for a children's
character too.
Speaker 3: Yeah, children don't know what it is like birthday. Hell yeah,
your parents don't know either. They show up. Yeah, oh
my god.
Speaker 1: A bunch of like California people move here. They're like,
oh yeah, dude, thing for the kids. He or his birthday?
Speaker 2: Oh god, just dongs everywhere.
Speaker 3: A bunch of naked white people with dreadlocks.
Speaker 2: Like I hate this like I hate this place, so
fuck A bunch moved to Dallas.
Speaker 1: The Utah Territory was created in the Compromise of eighteen
fifty thanks to a little thing called popular sovereignty, Utah
past legislation that made black and Indian slavery legal in
eighteen fifty two. Whoo, twenty five percent of the Mormons
in that territory practice polygamy, including Young who over his
lifetime fifty six wives. Man's too many ladies. There's too
many women. You have to hear.
Speaker 3: I think back then, you just didn't have to listen
to them.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, I guess you still don't.
Speaker 3: But being being the governor, have governor shit to do?
Speaker 1: Or you just delegate a couple of your wives to
handle the other wives.
Speaker 2: You literally do you have like wive madams. That's the
U in Big Love, Like, that's the thing. The oldest
wife is like the head wife. She's in charge, the
main bitch. Yeah, I forget what it's called, but you know,
and they're all sister wives, but she's in charge, she
runs everything.
Speaker 1: The rest of the country saw this as gross immorality.
Speaker 3: Whe Mormons are gross for.
Speaker 1: Stealing all the hose, and it became a contentious political
talking point in the eighteen fifty six presidential election.
Speaker 2: What do you do though, don't I don't understand. Just like, okay,
all right, buddy, you've got seven wives, great for you,
but now there's six other dudes who have no wives.
It feels like.
Speaker 1: It's a good ratio. What that's kind of ratio you
want in a party?
Speaker 2: What's seven to one?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: Yeah, Well, but the problem is that there's another party
where it's six to zero.
Speaker 3: Just down the road.
Speaker 1: Yeah, great party ratio. Terrible for any type of warfare.
All right, all right, Dan, pick up a rifle.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's not not what you want.
Speaker 1: Republicans use this to their advantage, spinning the narrative of
popular sovereignty, which was a concept for new territories to
avoid the hot button issue of the time, slavery, from
entering the national discourse, and instead using it to attack
the Democratic Party for protecting polygamy.
Speaker 2: Hell yeah, so they're like, oh, yeah, they just want
it because they're perves.
Speaker 1: Kind of, I mean like they're like, yeah, you want
they kind of like mix polygamy and slavery into the
same issue.
Speaker 2: Yeah, smart, it's good politics, because nobody's gonna be like, oh,
woke pussies, you're talking about slavery again. They like, no,
try about that. They're like that sex cult. That's what
they're They're helping a sex cult. That's we don't care
about slavery. Sex. But they're all freaks. They help the freaks.
Speaker 1: Democrats scrambled to disassociate from the Mormons, believing the entanglement
of issues could derail all the momentum for their sweet,
sweet slavery.
Speaker 3: How many Mormons were there, like ten, there's.
Speaker 1: More than what. There's a lot of Mormons.
Speaker 2: There's a lot, but I feel like they are still
a small sect, like all things considered.
Speaker 1: James Buchanan ultimately won the election for the Democrats, but
it was very much on his radar that he had
a Mormon problem. Young had an accumulated a vast amount
of power in his short time in Utah and had
his own paramilitary group called the Danites.
Speaker 2: I mean, he's basically just Timothy Shallow magn dude at
this point out in the desert. Kind of a religious prophet. Yep,
he's Paul Trades.
Speaker 1: Young echoed the opinion of many Latter day Saints when
he declared I loved the government and the constitution of
the United States, but I do not love the damn
rascals that administered the government.
Speaker 2: Want to cop out, well, I love America, I just
hate every single person who runs it.
Speaker 1: But saying rascals is pretty cool.
Speaker 2: That is good.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, bring that back.
Speaker 1: Papers around the country were sensationalizing about the Wild West
polygamy cult that threatened the very fabric of democracy. And
it didn't help that other Mormon offshoots like James Strange
and Michigan, which we did an episode on. Go ahead
and check that out back in the catalog were proclaiming
themselves king on American soil.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that ideal, not to mention.
Speaker 1: A number of federal officials, claiming that they feared for
their physical safety, left Utah appointments for the East and
came back with stories saying to the new president that
the Mormons were nearing a state of rebellion against the country.
Speaker 2: Why not they want to build their own little religious
fucking like the Theocratic like Homeland. That doesn't surprise me
at all. They're a weird cult like you don't think
scientologists would do that if they could do that like
if they just like fortified Clearwater Florida, they wouldn't try
to make a Scientology city state.
Speaker 1: They should build a wall, they should around Clearwater.
Speaker 2: And you don't.
Speaker 1: I mean, you have a lot of water too to
like it's Tampa and Clearwater. That whole area is pretty
spread out, so it's easy. There's a lot of bridges
you just kind of fence off.
Speaker 2: And I mean, if you think you know Muslim uh
extremists or wild just storming that Scientology compound will be
a absolute nightmare if.
Speaker 3: Scientologists are second walk inside.
Speaker 1: What if they're right though, Scientologists, that's the biggest goof
of reality.
Speaker 2: Like they they send a beam in like the US
militari receiving clearwater, and they send a beam into space
to to ask for help. And like the the Marines
are like cloak like landing on the beach and just
as they do, like a fleet of DC nines enters
the atmosphere and just starts lasering all these fucking US
troops to take Washington.
Speaker 3: General comes out of nowhere.
Speaker 2: Yeah yeah yeah, fucking slices up Donald Trump and declares
declares fucking victory. L Ron Hubbard like a like a
mist or like a light beam. That's just l Ron
Hubbard is. That's the funniest.
Speaker 1: He reassembles like he's the mummy.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the uh the no he What they said
with l Ron Hubbard was that he like just entered
a higher level of consciousness. Have you ever seen that
video of them announcing l Ron Hubbard's death?
Speaker 1: He fucking he's in the five D now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, they there's a video of uh Miskovic announcing l
Ron Hubbard's death. He's like, at twelve oh nine pm today,
our glorious leader decided that there was nothing more in
his human form that he could achieve, and he transcended
his human body to a higher plane of exist like
he was choosing to do it. Would you rather cancer?
Speaker 1: I hang out on earth as an old man or
chillin Atlanis as a god?
Speaker 2: And then people in the crowd are like you hear.
Speaker 3: Like, oh, I hope someone says that at my funeral.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Scott Lopez didn't die. He just found no more
use for his fleshy body here on earth.
Speaker 3: Alcohol did nothing to him anymore. He must ascend to
higher consciousness.
Speaker 1: Buchanan could not let this fester under massive popular and
political pressure, he decided to take decisive action against the Mormons.
Soon after his inauguration on March fourth, eighteen fifty seven,
Buchanan first decided to appoint a new governor in place
to bring him Young. The position was offered to several
individuals who refused in The president finally settled on Alfred
Cumming during the summer.
Speaker 2: They're all just like that place sucks and those people
are creepy. It's gonna be like eighty blonde people out there.
Speaker 1: Gonna murder me, ready to murder? Would I want to
go out there?
Speaker 2: You're just gonna like it's just like a Children of
the Corn situation.
Speaker 1: While Young became aware that he lost his job through
press reports, he received no official notification of his replacement
until coming arrived in the territory in November of eighteen
fifty seven along with a nice little force of twenty
five hundred army troops. Yeah, to build a post in Utah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you mean you're not kick alone. No, you just
like show up. You're like, hello, you're fired, I'm the governor. Now.
Speaker 3: You don't do that to a cult.
Speaker 1: No, that dude's being hung from a tree immediately. Yeah, Yeah,
young in the Mormon community feared a renewed persecution and
possibly annihilation by a larger body of federal troops. Fearing
the worst, Young ordered residents throughout Utah Territory to prepare
for evacuation, make them plans to burn their homes and
property in stockpile food and stock feed. Guns were handed out,
and ammunition was ready to go. So it's like, everybody,
pick up your arms, we might have to fight.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So, by the way, you said, twenty five hundred
men went to Utah, you soldiers. For those who don't
know or don't remember, there was not really much of
a standing US army at this point, like we didn't
have it like we do now, or there's a million
people in the standing army at all times. Whatever. They
really only mobilized major forces for wars right in eighteen sixty.
It's when I looked it up because it would be
easier to find. So the year before the Civil War,
there were basically fifteen thousand people in the US Army
and they sent twenty five hundred to them to Utah.
Speaker 1: It's a good bit.
Speaker 2: It's a huge percentage of the army went to Utahs.
Are gonna need all of us there, man, or that's
fifteen thousand. If I don't know, if it might have
said fifteen hundred fifteen thousand, yeah, yeah, so yeah, like
an eighth of the army or what I like, went
to fucking That's.
Speaker 1: Why Young responded by reactivating the Nauvoo Legion, Oh God,
which was the Mormon militia created during the conflict in Illinois.
Speaker 2: Dude, what how do you spell that?
Speaker 1: Nau vo Nauvu? I don't know.
Speaker 2: Naboo v there's a V. There's no a V, but
naboo naboo navoo. How much was George Lucas taking?
Speaker 1: It was under the command of Daniel H. Wells and
consisted of all able bodied men between the ages of
fifteen and sixty. Young ordered the legion to harass federal
troops and cause delays in their movement, as he planned
to buy time for the Mormon settlements to prepare for
either battle or evacuation. An alliance with the Indians was
central to young strategy if they were to go to war. Uh,
they decided to enter marry between the Natives and the Mormons.
Speaker 2: Well, that's how you solve the six guys with no
wives problem.
Speaker 1: I guess get yourself an Indian wife.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like I took all the white ones.
Speaker 1: So tensions high. This is kind of where the majority
of the deaths happened. Not actually between the US Army
and the Mormons, but anyone that kind of was passing
through caught got some Like.
Speaker 2: You were just like wandering through. You're like, well, trying
to make it in California, got a forny way and.
Speaker 1: Wrong time, buddy, Yeah, wrong time, wrong place. Because tensions
were high and the Mormons were a little trigger happy
at first, you.
Speaker 2: Get spooked, you know they were. And when you give
a fifteen year old a gun and they've already and
you're like, hey, the apocalypse is coming.
Speaker 1: Yeah, they've already moved like four times. Yeah, they're like
all right, this is gonna happen again.
Speaker 2: What a nightmare of being in an army with like
you're fifteen and like you just like have old old
First off, every situation is like a YMCA locker room.
You just see an old dick and balls everywhere. It's secondly,
like can you imagine just like watching an old man
bleed out from a bullet wound, Like it's like it
just feels it would just be somehow even grosser than
like a healthy person doing it like old miner, like
an old liken mining for ghost. She's like, ah, and
you're just like barely in puberty, like blood. Just I
don't know why that would It would bother me more
to watch an old gross person bleed out than a young,
healthy person.
Speaker 1: Heavens with tension high, this unfortunate group of immigrants, known
as the Baker Fancer Wagon caught a lot of hostility
from the Mormons. Uh. They believed that the Mormons at
least believed this group was ingrained with the military Scouts,
and the local Mormon militia agreed to a former plan
of attack on this group as they rested in the
mountain meadows. The Mormon militia wanted to give the impression
of tribal hostilities rather than Mormon.
Speaker 2: You know, they want to make it look like Indians.
Speaker 1: Yes, okay.
Speaker 2: They persuaded the.
Speaker 1: Local tribe to join them with a larger group of
Lds disguised as natives in the attack on the wagon train.
Speaker 2: What a fun little Boston tea party. But once again,
just like in Star Wars where the stormtroopers tried to
make it look like it was saying people that took
out Luke's aunt and uncle. I think that George Lucas
just read this and read Dune and was.
Speaker 1: Like, with lazer but lasers, Oh you didn't know about
the Mormon lasers.
Speaker 2: Enlightened me.
Speaker 1: No.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: During the militia's first assault, the travelers fought back in
a five day siege ensued. Eventually, fear spread among the
Mormon leaders that some immigrants had caught sight of the
white men who would wear hoods. So they actually show
this in American Primeval. They kind of look like clansmen. Yeah, yeah,
well they have they have the bags over there.
Speaker 2: They're like sacks of flower over It's the same thing
as the clan scene in It's not even the clan
but Jangle unchained the lip scene, yeah, with Jonah Hill and.
Speaker 1: Where they're cutting the eye. William H. Dam of the
Mormon militia orders his forces that since you know, everyone
saw them, can't leave.
Speaker 2: Any witnesses can't.
Speaker 1: So by this time the travelers were running low and
water and provisions, and the Mormons were like, hey, maybe
some of them think that it's uh the tribe still,
let's go in as Mormons waving our white flags like, hey,
we're here to help. Yeah, that's what they do. They
go in wait white flags. They're like, hey, we should
deal with the natives and you. All you have to
do is give them some of your cattle, some of
your supplies. They'll let you move on to California safe passage. Like,
oh yeah, that sounds like a good deal.
Speaker 2: That's a good deal for anything to get out of here.
Speaker 1: Yeah, we need to get the fuck out of the meadows, right.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: So they lay down their guns, give the guns to
the Mormons, and they march out of the area, out
of the camp a little bit, and uh yeah, one
hundred and twenty of those Arkansas Natives that were moving west,
those immigrants, they're executed.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Perfect, Yeah, they're all executed by the Mormons.
Speaker 2: Men, women and children.
Speaker 1: Men, women and children over the age of six. They
allow seventeen kids under the age of six to live.
Speaker 2: Perfect. Can you imagine?
Speaker 3: And I believe they just kind of like, and this
was an army scouting party.
Speaker 1: I think they scooped the kids up for the warmons.
Speaker 3: You realize it's not an army scout unit, and you're
just like, let's just fucking kill him anyways, that's man.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of uh, a lot of toddlers in
that cavalry unit.
Speaker 3: Uh they're getting crafted, are we sure? Uh?
Speaker 2: But can you imagine like you're just like a seven
year old and someone puts a fucking musket to the
back of your head and you blast your brains out
the front of your fucking face, and the reason is
basically like, hey, sorry, buddy, I don't really want to
do this, but I want to fuck eight wet pussies legally.
And the only way I can fuck eight wet pussies
legally is to blow your fucking head.
Speaker 1: Off and listen, it's nothing personal. But your dad saw
my face. Yeah, and we can't let that fly. We
already have problems with the current US administration. Uh. If
this got acted, then boy howdy yeah your.
Speaker 3: Six years she's coming with us. So sorry, buddy, you
missed the cup by how.
Speaker 2: Old are you? Seven? Ooh, someone made a mistake. Teach
you let account. Uh.
Speaker 1: The next month, ODS members also arrested and lynched six
California travelers, believe in they were US spies. This you know,
this would happen a couple of times in total, the
majority of the people that die in this conflict are.
Speaker 2: Just nothing to do with it.
Speaker 1: Nothing to do with it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it's only collateral damage. They're like, gosh, it's
just I know they I know the US Army.
Speaker 1: Because they're just bugging out over the US Army.
Speaker 2: I know, the US Army sent a humongous percentage of
its total force here. It's just so weird how none
of the ones we run into ever wear uniforms. Sneaky, sneaky.
Speaker 1: One of the big players in the lynching of the
Six Californians was wild Bill Hickman. He's portrayed in the
show Hickman.
Speaker 2: Yeah, not Hiccock.
Speaker 1: No, it's wild Bill. I know.
Speaker 2: I'm saying that. It's just funny that there was a
wild the Hoocock was forty years later. I'm just saying funny,
that's another wild Bill hick Yep.
Speaker 1: Yeah, this guy, uh, well, on the show, he looks
like he's freaky as fuck.
Speaker 2: Is that Taylor Kitch.
Speaker 1: No, Taylor Kitsch is uh. He's he's a white that's
adopted by natives. Yeah, kind of like he's not he's
not a real person. He's created for the show. This
is just a Mormon freak that has like mutton chops. Okay,
but they don't grow very well.
Speaker 2: Oh pache.
Speaker 1: Yeah. In early October, Legion members burned down Fort Bridger
so it could never fall into the hands of the
US Army and provide a comfortable base for them out west.
This is also shown in the show.
Speaker 2: So they take out the fort people in there.
Speaker 1: I assume in the show they buy the fort and
that there's kind of like it's kind of up to
debate with historians whether or not they actually offered Jim
Bridger money for it or if they just burn it down.
Speaker 2: I think they might have just burned it, like get out,
we're burning it.
Speaker 1: A few days later, three large Armies trains that were
trailing the main army detachments were burned by Mormon calvary
led by Lot Smith. Horses and cattle were liberated from
the supply trains and taken west by the militia.
Speaker 2: I'm just annoyed that I haven't heard the name Romney yet,
Like I want like more to mitt Romney's ancestors to
just be scalping children. I guess I don't know.
Speaker 1: What if they were kind of like the Mormon version
of draft Dodgers.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, well Romney I think grew up in Michigan,
But I don't know if so.
Speaker 1: Maybe it's part of James Strange.
Speaker 2: I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1: Few, if any, shots were fired in these exchanges, and
the armies lack of cavalry left them more or less
open to Mormon raids. The frustration would build.
Speaker 2: Could they say infantry the army?
Speaker 1: No, they just kept stealing their fucking horses.
Speaker 3: Okay, that's embarrassing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you just not It's like in your tank stolen
or something. Can't let that fucking happen.
Speaker 1: Colonel Edmund Alexander mounted roughly one hundred men on army
mules to combat the Mormon militia in the early morning
of October fifteenth. This jackass cavalry had a run in
with Lotsmith's command and fired over thirty bullets at the
Mormons from one hundred and fifty yards. No one was killed,
but one Mormon took a bullet through his hat band
and one horse was grazed.
Speaker 2: Bad shots, although one hundred and fifty yards pretty tough for.
Speaker 3: Were those smooth boars still?
Speaker 2: But yeah, that's what I'm wondering. Yeah, I mean they
were using rifle muskets primarily in the Civil War like
three years later. But I don't know how prevalent it was.
Presumably they're using a lot of old shit because typically
like during like in World War two, at the beginning
of World War two, the Marines, they showed this in
the Pacific, but the Marines aquadal come out first. They
were rocking springfields and shit, they didn't get the m
one garrens right away.
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2: And I know the Confederates had quite a few smooth
boys at the beginning of the war just because they
had to get something. Yeah. I actually do wonder though,
I'll look it up real quick. If the primary weapon
in the Mexican War was a smooth bore musketer, if
they had rifled it by that point, let me.
Speaker 1: Check important detail. We need to know it.
Speaker 2: I'm curious.
Speaker 3: I mean, how bad of shots were they?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 3: If if if it's a smooth boar, okay, we allow it.
If not, they just sucked.
Speaker 1: I wonder if they trained a lot, Probably not, Probably not.
Speaker 3: I mean how much do you have to like make
is it like you have to make your own ammo
like he did in the Patriot. Yeah, melting is. They
did do that a lot.
Speaker 2: We did an episode that were you on the episode
we did where they were talking about oh no, you
weren't so for the Battle of Saint Louis. We did
this episode on that this was revolutionary war. But at first,
when the city was defending itself, they didn't have any AMMO,
so they were just like, I guess we're just loading
pebbles into our smooth bore muskets. Yeah, yep, it looks
like they used a smooth boar in the Mexican War,
all right.
Speaker 1: On October sixteenth, Joseph Taylor and William Stole of the
Nauvoo Legion encountered a camp in the fog ahead of them,
thinking it was their men and not realizing it was
the detachment of the US Army soldiers. They were captured
and taken to be questioned by Colonel Alexander. Taylor and
Stole gave exaggerated accounts of twenty five to thirty thousand
Mormon militia men camped up in the canyon to repel
the army if they were to pass through. This spooked
the Army. They didn't believe those numbers, but They're like,
let's let's not even try to go this way.
Speaker 2: These people were fucking crazy. Also, I mean, you don't
even want to have the same number of people if
you're attacking a different place that you're not based out of.
Speaker 1: And you're just getting picked apart from the top of
the canyons.
Speaker 2: Yeah, like sand people like the Tuscan Raiders, and stop
making Star Wars references. Men. All I can picture now
is a Mormon on top of a big rock shoe
being at an army wagon and then going.
Speaker 3: Their wives are like dancing and circles in the background.
Speaker 2: The wives are the jahwas. They go in after and.
Speaker 1: In early November, Joseph Taylor escaped Camp Scott and return
to Salt Lake City to report conditions of the army
to bring them young. November twenty first, Alfred Coming, the
new governor, sent a proclamation to the citizens of Utah
declaring them to be an open rebellion, and a lot
of just kind of back and forth between the army
and the more militious happened. Nothing. No one really dies
in the conflicts. It's a lot of no one who's
supposed to do. Yeah, it's a lot of posturing yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the real deaths of this entire conflict come from
that giant wagon raid where they executed They executed one
hundred and twenty people from Arkansas.
Speaker 2: So that they could keep having a couple of wives.
Speaker 1: And then they lynched six other people from California, right,
and they burned down Fort Bridger.
Speaker 2: Yes, effective techniques, a ridiculous group of people.
Speaker 1: President Buchannan came under pressure from Congress to end the crisis.
In February eighteen fifty eight, Senator Sam Houston of Texas
stated that a war against the Mormons would be one
of the most fearful calamities that had befallen the country
from its inception to the present moment.
Speaker 2: I mean, the guerrilla wars against the Indians in the
West West in the desert were bad enough, and they're
not even religious fanatics.
Speaker 1: The president sent an official peace commission offering a free
pardon to the Mormons if they would submit to government
authority bring them Young accepted Bucannon's terms and pardon, although
he denied Utah had even rebelled against the US.
Speaker 2: He's right, I'll take the apartment. I didn't do anything. I'll
do it, but whatever.
Speaker 3: I didn't kill any troops.
Speaker 2: Technically, I didn't close a single US.
Speaker 3: Just stole their horses.
Speaker 2: That kid train up. There was this one kid and
he was dressed up like a cavalry soldier, like for fun,
you know, but.
Speaker 1: Couldn't trust him he was a scout. Yeah, turns out
he wasn't. Oops are bad.
Speaker 2: Who He's probably like, where are they from? Arkansas? I
don't even know if that's going to be part of
America in a year, so fuck it. Yeah, here's your pardon.
Speaker 1: But accepting this part and accepting these terms kind of
made bring him Young a little bit more unpopular in
his own church, kind of lost clout.
Speaker 2: Oh, they didn't want to make a deal. There were
hardliners that were like, how dare you?
Speaker 3: Oh?
Speaker 1: For sure, there's always religious fanatics like.
Speaker 2: No, let's keep fighting, keep fucking bull. Then did you
do secure US land?
Speaker 1: Well, I mean, really take casualties so that they maybe
thought they were invincible. They're like protected by God in
this land, this mountain land of Zion.
Speaker 2: So let's keep going. Yeah. Meanwhile, Brigham Young's like, yeah,
I should probably take this deal before before they actually
killed me, before they really try.
Speaker 1: In the end, negotiations between the United States and the
Church of Latter Day Saints resulted in a full part
in four the Latter Day Saints except those involved in
the Mountain Meadow murders. Oh good, so they got executed
by fire and squad like twenty years later.
Speaker 2: Twenty years later.
Speaker 1: Yeah, because there's this little thing called the Civil War
that happened.
Speaker 2: Wow, I'm surprised they even tracked him down, is all
I'm saying.
Speaker 1: The investigation takes a lot.
Speaker 3: All right, how did you even find them?
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's the eighteen seventies.
Speaker 1: It's kind of sick though. It's like executing Nazis when
they're ninety.
Speaker 2: Yeah, going to Argentina and finding some dude.
Speaker 1: Flip the switch put them on the chair.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I will say seeing.
Speaker 1: An old man.
Speaker 2: Yeah, sometimes I do feel bad for some of those Nazis.
Speaker 3: That parkinsonsors at the electric chair.
Speaker 2: Yeah, we don't know. No electair is not on yet.
Speaker 1: Uh.
Speaker 2: There there was this one, this one Nazi I did
feel bad for. Probably probably shouldn't, but it's just hard
to look. It's hard to look at like an old
lady and be like you bitch.
Speaker 1: At certain points, like you got away with it because
she was.
Speaker 2: Like a secretary. She was like a secretary or something,
and I was just like, like, she probably deserved it,
but I was just like, how much power did this
woman really have?
Speaker 1: Seeing like a ninety year old woman though swinging as
she's being hung exactly.
Speaker 2: They just they just started to jail. They didn't kill her,
but it's still it's just like, what what did she do?
What did she even have a choice in? But whatever, fucker.
I was just like, boy, that's rough.
Speaker 1: Honestly, the hardest thing you could say before you be
executed is what Saddam Hussein did?
Speaker 2: What?
Speaker 1: I think he just told the guy to shut up.
He's like, get on with it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's just go, dude.
Speaker 1: I kind of have respect for Saddam for that.
Speaker 3: Hell yeah, dude, Saddam fucks.
Speaker 1: Conflict between the Mormons and the federal government, particularly over
the issue of plagamy, will continue for nearly forty years
before Utah was finally made a state in eighteen ninety six,
and perhaps was not fully resolved until the smoot hearings
of nineteen oh four to nineteen oh seven. One consequence,
though kind of a little fun fact, little tidbit you
can take away from this, The Utah War directly created
the famous Pony Express. Really yeah, whoa so lot Smith
in the Nauvoo Legion burned roughly fifty two wagons belonging
to the outfitters of Russell, Majors and Waddle. The government
would never reimburse the outfitters for their losses, and in
eighteen sixty they came together and formed the Pony Express.
Speaker 2: To just get makeup business to get their money back.
Speaker 1: Okay, so yeah, you get the Pony Express. From this, sweet,
you get one hundred and twenty dead just travelers, yeah,
just immigrants trying to find a better life and to
go get gold.
Speaker 3: Yeah, nope, they were scous dude, don't listen to the propaganda.
Speaker 2: And then the Hill people come out.
Speaker 1: You get a bunch of seventeen, like six or under
kids being forced into the Mormon Church.
Speaker 2: I guess, uh yeah. I think they live their lives
as Mormons after that.
Speaker 1: Or maybe even natives.
Speaker 2: I'd prefer the native one, to be honest. If I
had to choose over Mormon, you'll be like, yeah, be
an Apache, let's go.
Speaker 3: Tepees are cool.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's cool and whatever, he's weird. Yeah, I a
hard preference on that.
Speaker 1: And that is the story of the Utah War. What
did you guys learn today?
Speaker 3: I learned that even though the US pardoned the LDS,
Missouri was still.
Speaker 1: Likennk you in the old nineteen seventy it's on site.
Speaker 3: That's so funny, dude, that is insane. I don't care.
What about that pardon dude.
Speaker 2: I wonder if he could have gotten away with it. It's
like nineteen sixty three, he just blow a Mormon's brains out. Oh,
dude in Saint Louis.
Speaker 1: If it was before civil rights, one thousand percent you
could have and.
Speaker 2: Then just like that lot like your lawyers, just your
Lionel Huts just comes in and he's like, you're on Eh.
He was simply following Order forty four.
Speaker 3: We should praise this man.
Speaker 1: Actually nobody told us to stop. Yeah, there was definitely
one guy, like the Japanese soldier that was found years
later that thought World War two was still happening. Yeah,
there was definitely dudes in the Ozarks just being like, yeah,
dude is on site, just like my.
Speaker 2: Grandpaty told me, and need the Mormons come in.
Speaker 1: You collect yourself a scout. You get paid.
Speaker 3: That's so funny.
Speaker 2: All I learned is that more of what I already
knew is that James Buchanan soft on rebellion.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, he acted and then folded, immediately folded.
Speaker 2: It wasn't even losing, nothing happened, and was just like,
I'm sorry, here you go.
Speaker 1: Nothing happened in the Utah War. But that does make
a tree.
Speaker 2: That does make sense for uh, you know how the
when the South started succeeding too, because he was clearly
with Utah, he was just like, I don't want to
deal with this. And then like you know, Lincoln gets
elected but he's still president in his lame duck period
and States starts succeeding, and apparently he's just like, I
don't want to deal with this.
Speaker 1: Also, the fact that popular sovereignty gets kind of mixed
with polygamy that kind of indirectly causes the Civil War
because it fucks with the whole slave argument. Yeah, it
devalues it. Well I mean back then.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it makes it a
tougher position.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Well they're like, all right, we're cool with slavery, but
multiple wives.
Speaker 2: Yeah no, I actually that's actually a fun a clever
argument if you're if you can't get people to be
against slavery, which the old school Republicans dude, because it
is just like it's like Pandora's box, right, It's like, okay,
popular sovereignty, Sure you want it for slaves, but what
else was it going to allow? Same thing with Like
it's not a great example, but like there are people
like when gay marriage is legalized, they'd be like, which next,
you can be allowed to mirror your dog? Like, no,
it's illegal to fuck a dog.
Speaker 3: Shouldn't be, but it is.
Speaker 1: It should be, should be.
Speaker 2: A dog can't consent to that.
Speaker 1: You can fuck a dolphin. There intellectually a.
Speaker 2: Dolphin can consent. Yeah, I agree with that.
Speaker 1: Dogs, man, dogs are not quite on dolphin or pig level.
Speaker 2: Yeah, can a pig consent?
Speaker 3: Tune in next week to find.
Speaker 1: An elephant? Sure can. Yeah, but uh go and go
and try, yeah, try that.
Speaker 2: That's a funny if it never forget, it's a funny sketch.
We uh should never shoot It's like an elephant at
a sexual assault trial. It's like you recall the events
of the night of June eighth, very much so yeah,
they like the elephant's the rapist, so he lies like
I don't. I don't, I don't remember where where I was.
Like you, an elephant, do not recall the events, and
yet you boast that an elephant never forgets.
Speaker 3: Your honor.
Speaker 2: I rest my case, dude.
Speaker 1: There's cases in India where like an elephant murders somebody
or like an entire village, and then as they're kind
of mourning and having their funerals, elephants come back.
Speaker 2: Yeah, the elephant crashes the funerals, just stomps the corpse.
That's that animal is smart enough to consent. Absolutely.
Speaker 1: Who's today's hittler?
Speaker 3: Everyone involved in the raid that killed one hundred and
twenty Yeah.
Speaker 2: Yeah, anyone anyone killing kids so they can have fucking
three ways. I guess.
Speaker 1: That's the thing too. Only twenty five percent of Mormons
actually practice polygamy.
Speaker 2: Only twenty five that's so basically, like probably a lot
of people.
Speaker 1: You're a little people.
Speaker 2: You're a little bitch boy if you only have one wife.
Being only having one wife is like being a forty
year old virgin, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: It's just yeah, fuck, it's essentially you're like Lafayette in
French society, Yeah, where he didn't cheat on his wife.
He loved his wife, and that's why he ends up
in America because all the French noblemen were like, we
don't trust you, you don't cheat on your wife.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's mid love to one teenager in this cult.
What is wrong with you? Okay?
Speaker 1: And thank you for that France, because Lafayette, uh was
a big part of the American Revolution. Baller it's the man.
But yeah. That is today's episode on the Utah War
and kind of a brief overview of the Church of
Latter day Saints. Do you learn today? Did you learn
a lot?
Speaker 2: Yeah? I mean I learned that James you Can was
even more of a bitch than I thought he was.
Speaker 3: And R Martin stole George Lucas, same guy. Yeah, yeah,
fair enough, stole from Oh yeah. Star Wars is completely
inspired by Dune and Mormons.
Speaker 1: You can't disprove that, you can't all you knows out
there coming at me because I said General Grievous was
in Attack of the Clones. Look there, surely there's a
small part where he's mentioned.
Speaker 2: No no, which is why I remember watching that movie.
He'd be who the fuck is this guy? They're like
general grievous, you know, and like, I don't know. He
wasn't in any of the other movies.
Speaker 1: They didn't Adam in, like yeah, deleted scene or write
when they redo it for the Hunters time.
Speaker 2: Just never mentioned once. They're like, oh, this guy's like
the best general in the galaxy. News to me.
Speaker 1: Gets fucking washed by Obi Wan in five minutes, Like
is a total nothing burger. Yeah, it does not matter.
He's in the cartoon. I guess maybe who could say,
I don't know. I don't care either. No, I don't either,
So stop chirping me, you fucking nerd.
Speaker 2: Go birds, Go birds.
Speaker 1: Today we're recording this right before the super Bowl. Hopefully
I'm happy as this comes out. We'll see anyway. We
love you guys. Make sure teck out the Patreon picture
on dot com plus softcore History and uh yeah, we
love you guys. Leave review five stars please and thank
you if you can. It really helps us move up
the charts on Apple and Spotify and Scott, we love you,
thanks for coming.
Speaker 3: Love you guys too, Thank you very much.
Speaker 1: Where can people find you?
Speaker 3: You can find me on Instagram at last ro Lopez
and uh, I am doing a hot dog counter for
the whole year, so I'm very excited for that. I've
had nine so far.
Speaker 2: Nine it's February.
Speaker 3: I know I'm I'm slacking, but I'm probably gonna hit
like two hundred.
Speaker 2: Hell yeah, it's gonna be allome.
Speaker 3: So if you want to stay tuned for hot dog content.
Speaker 1: What is it You're eliminating like three minutes of your
life every time you jest a hot dog.
Speaker 3: May I'll do four hundred by the end of this year,
let's go. You don't need to live that long. No,
you get a glizzy in that mouth, dude, glizzed up,
best feeling ever.
Speaker 1: You essentially want your hot your body to be a
hot dog by the time you die.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: You be one big preservative eat me up.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you should have your coffin. Should be a bun
that closes this way genius instead of like you know,
lid whatever, it's a it hits hinged at the bottom.
Speaker 3: It should be the Winner mobile. And instead of like
throwing flowers when I'm very like mustard and ketch, Yeah,
relish on you.
Speaker 1: Yeah, wasn't that a whole thing with Oscar Meyer. They
were offering the job to drive the Winner Mobile a
couple of years ago. You should have got that, dude,
that should have that was your true calling.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 3: I think I had to move to California for that
or something. Weird.
Speaker 1: No, you're going nationwide, You're going city to city. I'd
be the hot spreading the good news. Yeah, like bring
them on anyway, Rob, where can people find you? I
know you're putting out your your old school sketches.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Rob Fox three on Instagram.
Speaker 1: I want to give you a little love for that.
You're repurposing a lot of TFM content that I'm not in,
but it's fine.
Speaker 2: Here in some of it something you'd be in one
or two of them eventually.
Speaker 1: When they get put out as a role player.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: At the time. Yeah, the sketches doing well. We're gonna
shoot some new sketches. At the beginning of.
Speaker 1: We're shooting sketches, I'm gonna show off my acting chops
a little bit o.
Speaker 2: Hell yeah. And then we're king on another audio sketch
for the Patreon Patreon dot com slush Soft gracery that'll
be out at the end of this month.
Speaker 1: And I might start doing some Arthur Morgan inspired sketches
just because that's one of the few voices I have
in my back pocket. Yeah, well for Scott low Pearson,
Rob Fox, I'm Damn Bridge Yester, and you just guess
I'll served