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<v Speaker 1>This is pod popular podcast for the people, The Great

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<v Speaker 1>Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate.

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<v Speaker 2>Great Love Debate. It's a great loved Hi again everyone,

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<v Speaker 2>it's Brian Howie. You welcome to The Great Love Debate,

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<v Speaker 2>the world's number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen.

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<v Speaker 2>You get just me today. Some of you like that,

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<v Speaker 2>some of you roll your eyes. Well, you're all here,

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<v Speaker 2>so gather around and stay for a bit it uh.

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<v Speaker 2>I was thinking about that the other day because I

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<v Speaker 2>was producing some podcasts and helping some podcasters, and it

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<v Speaker 2>took me almost one hundred episodes of this show before

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<v Speaker 2>I was able to do one by myself, or I

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<v Speaker 2>was able to stand on my own two feet, and

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<v Speaker 2>even quote unquote felt able is probably a bit of

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<v Speaker 2>a stretch. Somebody back then, I don't know, five years ago,

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<v Speaker 2>canceled at the last minute, and I was sort of

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<v Speaker 2>thrown into the deep end and I just had to

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<v Speaker 2>wing it. And some of you at that time actually

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<v Speaker 2>gave me positive reinforcement and the kind of feedback that

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<v Speaker 2>I was looking for, that you liked it and you

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<v Speaker 2>were along for the ride, even if it was just

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<v Speaker 2>the two of us. So I always needed at that time,

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<v Speaker 2>back in the day when I had the sort of

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<v Speaker 2>the early feeling out of.

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<v Speaker 1>The Great Love Debate podcast.

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<v Speaker 2>I always had my engineer Kalin through the glass and

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<v Speaker 2>my producer Kko was around for most of them, and

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<v Speaker 2>I had this sort of revolving rotation of mostly female voices.

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<v Speaker 2>I had Jilly, and I had Kate, and Christina Webber

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<v Speaker 2>did a bunch and Laurel did a whole lot of shows.

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<v Speaker 2>And I just think I needed someone to play off

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<v Speaker 2>and I needed someone to say right or you know too,

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<v Speaker 2>and I needed them to hit the ball back. So

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<v Speaker 2>that was probably more about my insecurity than about creating

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<v Speaker 2>great content. But that was me then and that was

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<v Speaker 2>us then. And I think I needed a reaction, and

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<v Speaker 2>the easiest and most tangible reaction was always laughter. I

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<v Speaker 2>needed someone to laugh. And back when I used to

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<v Speaker 2>direct a lot of theater, there was always some funny

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<v Speaker 2>elements to it, and a lot of the actors and

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<v Speaker 2>actresses would would come off the stage and they'll be like,

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<v Speaker 2>they're not laughing.

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't see them laugh, and I was.

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<v Speaker 2>Always tell them to relax, because you know, that doesn't

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<v Speaker 2>mean they weren't absorbing or appreciating the material if they

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<v Speaker 2>weren't overtly laughing. Some people just aren't comfortable laughing.

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<v Speaker 1>In a theater.

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<v Speaker 2>I know that when we do our tour shows, it

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<v Speaker 2>sounds differently when we do it in a live music

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<v Speaker 2>venue versus when we do it in a comedy club

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<v Speaker 2>versus we do it in a theater. Some people just

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<v Speaker 2>aren't comfortable laughing in a theater, so I told them

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<v Speaker 2>not to worry about that. But I needed that in

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<v Speaker 2>this podcast. Back then, I needed someone to laugh, even

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<v Speaker 2>if they're just behind the glass. But as we got

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<v Speaker 2>deeper into these shows and sort of this collective journey,

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<v Speaker 2>I think I wanted us all to think. And I

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<v Speaker 2>used to tell the actors and actresses back then, if

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<v Speaker 2>you had four or five hundred people in a theater

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<v Speaker 2>and they were all thinking about something that collectively, that sound,

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<v Speaker 2>that sort of were metaphorical sound of people thinking was

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<v Speaker 2>louder than any reaction I thought you were going to

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<v Speaker 2>get if people were just laughing. So as I get

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<v Speaker 2>into this and what I want to talk about today,

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<v Speaker 2>it's not that the laughter fades into the background. It's

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<v Speaker 2>that it needs, I think, to be more of a

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<v Speaker 2>more of a side course and not totally the driving impetus,

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<v Speaker 2>but behind these conversations.

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<v Speaker 1>So what triggered all of this?

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<v Speaker 2>On this sunny morning as I record this, I am

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<v Speaker 2>here in the very fine studios of pod popular podcasts

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<v Speaker 2>for the people. I am at the one in Scottsdale, Arizona.

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<v Speaker 2>And if you have listened to this podcast before when

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<v Speaker 2>I've been recording in Scottsdale, you know that I love

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<v Speaker 2>being in Scottsdale. I love almost everything about Scottsdale. I

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<v Speaker 2>love that I can just say scott and not have

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<v Speaker 2>to say Arizona. And people are like, oh, I know

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<v Speaker 2>Scottsdale because it's not.

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<v Speaker 1>That big a place.

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<v Speaker 2>People know it are there about fifty days a year

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<v Speaker 2>when you or me should not come to Scottsdale because

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<v Speaker 2>you would not love Scottsdale.

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<v Speaker 1>Probably Scottsdale in July and August.

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<v Speaker 2>Is no picnic, but the rest of the time Scottsdale

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<v Speaker 2>And you're like, I didn't tune into the Great Love

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<v Speaker 2>Debate podcast to listen to the Greater Phoenix Area Board

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<v Speaker 2>of Tourism. I get that, but it leads a little

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<v Speaker 2>more into what I want to get into.

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<v Speaker 1>On a deeper level.

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<v Speaker 2>And sometimes we go into a deeper level around here

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<v Speaker 2>who knew back in the day when we were just

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<v Speaker 2>chuckling through the glass.

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<v Speaker 1>So what do I love about it here?

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<v Speaker 2>And how will that get into what I want to

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<v Speaker 2>talk about today? And somebody asked me that what do

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<v Speaker 2>you love about Scottsdale? Are you a fan of the desert?

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<v Speaker 2>You love cactus? Do you love you know, indigenous creatures

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<v Speaker 2>that live here? And I'm like, I love it because

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<v Speaker 2>it's silly. And I'm not sure the Chamber of Commerce

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<v Speaker 2>wants to lead with that. They probably want us to

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<v Speaker 2>focus on the vibrancy of the desert and the history

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<v Speaker 2>of the Old West and the Gulf and whatever. But really,

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<v Speaker 2>the thing that makes this place this place is how

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<v Speaker 2>silly it is. There are now the third most bachelorette

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<v Speaker 2>parties in the country here, and at some point, as

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<v Speaker 2>I record this pretty early in the morning, a group

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<v Speaker 2>of girls is going to pedal buy on a bike,

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<v Speaker 2>sucking on drinks and wearing matching T shirts and go

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<v Speaker 2>whoo as they ride by. Bachelorette parties are about being silly,

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<v Speaker 2>and dating is about being silly, which is why I

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<v Speaker 2>love all of this, the dating conversation and the Scottsdale.

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<v Speaker 2>They both have a heaping quotient of silly, and they

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<v Speaker 2>should first and second on the bachelorette party list. Vegas

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<v Speaker 2>and Nashville two places that I also love and two

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<v Speaker 2>places that are about as silly as.

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<v Speaker 1>You can get, and I like those places.

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<v Speaker 2>Beverly Hills is a silly place, Boston is a silly place. Miami, Atlanta,

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<v Speaker 2>And that all bodes well for the dating landscape. People

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<v Speaker 2>that show places that show up year after year on

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<v Speaker 2>our worst cities in America to find loveless they lack that,

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<v Speaker 2>they lack that sense of silly. Philadelphia, It's dreadful, dour, Denver,

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<v Speaker 2>dull is dirt, Seattle, San Francisco, New York. And you

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<v Speaker 2>might be like, no, New York is wonderful. It can be,

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<v Speaker 2>and it has been. It's got plenty of wonder There's

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<v Speaker 2>plenty of wonder in New York City. But I think

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<v Speaker 2>it lacks whimsy. And nineteen sixty three New York, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>Audrey Hepburn, New York.

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<v Speaker 1>Maybe, and whimsy is rooted and silly.

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<v Speaker 2>And you're like, well, we're talking about silly for forty

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<v Speaker 2>five minutes. Today I'm like, not quite so We're gonna

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<v Speaker 2>go down the rabbit hole on all of this and

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<v Speaker 2>what it's about and what it ultimately means after this

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<v Speaker 2>quick break, So stick with me. The answers are just

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<v Speaker 2>sixty seconds away at most, I promise, and we are back.

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<v Speaker 2>And why do I bring up all this besides being

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<v Speaker 2>amused by some drunk girl in a bad wedding veil

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<v Speaker 2>sucking on a penis stra at eleven o'clock in the morning,

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<v Speaker 2>Because one of the things that comes up the most

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<v Speaker 2>at all of our live shows for years and years,

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<v Speaker 2>hundreds of shows, is the women saying over and over

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<v Speaker 2>that they need a guy who is funny.

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<v Speaker 1>Funny.

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<v Speaker 2>Funny is first on the list for the majority of

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<v Speaker 2>women what they're looking for, above smart, above stable, above wealthy,

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<v Speaker 2>above handsome or kind or anything else. Funny overwhelmingly is

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<v Speaker 2>what they say they want. And my first instinct is

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<v Speaker 2>to defend that, because by any objective standard, I'm pretty

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<v Speaker 2>fucking funny, and I get paid a lot of money

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<v Speaker 2>by top comedy clubs in the world to go there

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<v Speaker 2>and make people laugh for ninety minutes. But part of

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<v Speaker 2>me wasn't ever completely comfortable leading with the funny, or

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<v Speaker 2>at least putting it, you know, sort of first on

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<v Speaker 2>my metaphorical resume, more deep therapy here. Because my parents

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<v Speaker 2>thought funny was quote unquote a waste of my smarts

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<v Speaker 2>and that only only serious people can be successful. And

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<v Speaker 2>when someone would ever say to me in life ort

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<v Speaker 2>one of my shows, they go, oh my god, you're

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<v Speaker 2>so funny, I would flinch a little because I would

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<v Speaker 2>hear their voices, Mom and dad, this is a waste

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<v Speaker 2>of your time and our money. But a second part

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<v Speaker 2>of me, when it comes up at the shows, I

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<v Speaker 2>react to a little differently, in the sense of to

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<v Speaker 2>defend the guys, or to look out for them at least.

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<v Speaker 2>But what if he's not funny? Then what Because these

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<v Speaker 2>guys are sitting there in the audience and they hear women,

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<v Speaker 2>it's sort of like the tall thing they you know,

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<v Speaker 2>the women say, oh my god, I need a tall guy,

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<v Speaker 2>and half the room is under five to nine, and

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<v Speaker 2>they're like, what am I supposed to do with this information? Well,

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<v Speaker 2>the same thing happens with funny. The women say I

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<v Speaker 2>want funny, I want funny. I want funny, so I hear,

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<v Speaker 2>and I'm thinking of the guys. Well then what so

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<v Speaker 2>I tend to scratch a little deeper on it, and

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<v Speaker 2>it kind of reveals itself that it really isn't about funny,

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<v Speaker 2>not entirely. You guys have heard me say over and

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<v Speaker 2>over that every woman only wants three things, and every

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<v Speaker 2>woman wants the same three things, and everything else is

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<v Speaker 2>just a subset of, or tangential to tangential English major.

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<v Speaker 2>Everything else is just a subset or tangential to these

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<v Speaker 2>three things. She wants a man who makes her feel special,

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<v Speaker 2>she wants a man to make her feel sexy, and

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<v Speaker 2>she wants a man to make her feel safe. And

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<v Speaker 2>safe is always the tough one. It's about trust and

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<v Speaker 2>sharing and honesty and strength and vulnerability and all the

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<v Speaker 2>things that don't come readily or easily to a man.

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<v Speaker 2>And the funny can give those Being funny can make

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<v Speaker 2>her feel special, and it can make her feel sexy,

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<v Speaker 2>for sure. The laughing triggers all kinds of things, but

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<v Speaker 2>I'm not sure it can make her feel safe, and

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<v Speaker 2>safe is the most important one. So you're like, where

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<v Speaker 2>are you going with this? I'm going back to the silly.

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<v Speaker 2>The silly's different from funny, and I'm gonna make the

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<v Speaker 2>argument that silly of all things can make you feel safe,

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<v Speaker 2>and you're what you're like. What silly is not about

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<v Speaker 2>is about not taking things seriously. It's about being foolish.

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<v Speaker 2>It's about using poor judgment. These girls that are a

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<v Speaker 2>ride by and go wooh, lots of poor judgment in

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<v Speaker 2>their immediate future. But I think silly can calm you.

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<v Speaker 2>I think it can ground you. Silly can make you

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<v Speaker 2>forget a lot of stresses. Silly comes from the creating

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<v Speaker 2>of an environment between two people where confidence can flourish

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<v Speaker 2>and your cares won't overwhelm you, and they might even disappear.

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<v Speaker 2>So I bring up Adam Sandler a lot in this podcast,

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<v Speaker 2>because Adam Sandler gives a lot of guys a lot

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<v Speaker 2>of hope for acting a certain way and getting a

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<v Speaker 2>certain result in his movies. But he doesn't get the

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<v Speaker 2>girls at his rom comms when he is funny, it's

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<v Speaker 2>usually funny in the first part. He gets them when

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<v Speaker 2>he turns into silly, because silly is one step from

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<v Speaker 2>being sweet, and the silly leads to a song, and

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<v Speaker 2>the sweet is what wins the day always. And you're like,

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<v Speaker 2>are you adding silly and sweet to your holy trinity

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<v Speaker 2>of special, sexy and safe. I'm not, but I'm saying

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<v Speaker 2>that those two things are at least a big part

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<v Speaker 2>of the ingredients. It isn't necessarily about funny getting her

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<v Speaker 2>to laugh. It's getting her to smile, which we've done

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<v Speaker 2>whole episodes about. It's getting her to calm, it's getting

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<v Speaker 2>her to be distracted in a good way. I think

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<v Speaker 2>it's getting her to relax. I think it's getting her

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<v Speaker 2>to share. And I think it's get her to see

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<v Speaker 2>more of you and I think more of herself. And

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<v Speaker 2>it's about remembering what it's like to behave and act

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<v Speaker 2>and feel and think in a way that it doesn't

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<v Speaker 2>matter what anyone else thought of her, only what you

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<v Speaker 2>think of her in the best possible way. Giggling is silly,

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<v Speaker 2>and giggling is sweet. If you can't make her laugh,

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<v Speaker 2>and many many guys cannot make her laugh, that doesn't

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<v Speaker 2>make you ineligible to her, despite what she claims or

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<v Speaker 2>publicly says that our shows or really thinks, because she

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<v Speaker 2>hasn't really thought it through. And if she thinks it through,

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<v Speaker 2>she'll want you to be confident.

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<v Speaker 1>And calming and caring.

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<v Speaker 2>And present, and she wants you to create this atmosphere

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<v Speaker 2>where she can be herself, which is always on her

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<v Speaker 2>very best day, in the very best light, probably a

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<v Speaker 2>little silly.

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<v Speaker 1>Which is why people love it here. The Scots dazzle.

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<v Speaker 2>That's why these girls are going around this town and

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<v Speaker 2>having such fun and feeling so free. It's not about

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<v Speaker 2>the boys, and it's not about the marriage to calm

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<v Speaker 2>and the life ahead and the realities of the future.

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<v Speaker 2>It's about being in the moment, and in the moment,

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<v Speaker 2>being silly almost always wins. The silliest group of girls,

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<v Speaker 2>I think are probably eleven and twelve, that little window

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<v Speaker 2>right before the boys come into play and the stresses

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<v Speaker 2>of life, and they just like, what are they doing?

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<v Speaker 1>That doesn't really go away. Later in life, you still

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<v Speaker 1>have that part in you. You just turn it off.

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<v Speaker 2>And so when I'm talking about being silly, it's a

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<v Speaker 2>weird time where something can be both liberating and grounding simultaneously.

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<v Speaker 2>It's liberating that you can be and do anything you

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<v Speaker 2>want without fear of judgment or the specter of regret.

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<v Speaker 2>And it's grounding because it's rooted in who you always were,

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<v Speaker 2>your core, your essence, and those feelings. So are you like,

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<v Speaker 2>are you saying laughter doesn't matter of course not. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>saying being funny isn't necessarily about being funny. So this

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<v Speaker 2>is partially to get the girls to think what is

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<v Speaker 2>it really about? And it's partially to give the guys

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<v Speaker 2>some hope that if they aren't clever and witty and

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<v Speaker 2>full of great jokes and lines, that they still have

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<v Speaker 2>a shot if they can tap into the silly. That

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<v Speaker 2>doesn't mean they need to dress like a clown. It's

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<v Speaker 2>more likely to frighten her. And that doesn't mean they

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<v Speaker 2>need to tickle her and unexpectedly she would hate that.

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<v Speaker 1>Don't do that.

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<v Speaker 2>It might just be taking her hand and twirling around

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<v Speaker 2>on the sidewalk in the middle of nothing. Or it

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<v Speaker 2>might be taking two oranges in the grocery store and

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<v Speaker 2>turning them into giant eyeballs. She'll laugh, She'll she'll think

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<v Speaker 2>you're an idiot, but you'll find it silly and you

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<v Speaker 2>rolled your eyes. Ladies when you're listening to that, but

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<v Speaker 2>you know you'd smile and you'd probably even laugh.

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<v Speaker 1>The silly is a gateway to that too.

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<v Speaker 2>It might mean doing a bad attempt at an accent

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<v Speaker 2>for no real reason. Bad accents are silly. My producer

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<v Speaker 2>Keko back in the day. She'd always say, please stop

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<v Speaker 2>doing your Bosston accent.

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<v Speaker 1>It's terrible.

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<v Speaker 2>But she'd always be on the brink of cracking up

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<v Speaker 2>every time I try it, because it was silly, and

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<v Speaker 2>I think silly wins the day. So if you weren't

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<v Speaker 2>born funny, there probably isn't a path to be funny

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<v Speaker 2>unless you go down a really dark path, because lots

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<v Speaker 2>of funny comes from those shadows, and lots of comedians

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<v Speaker 2>are absolutely miserable, and you don't want that and you

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<v Speaker 2>don't want them. So taking a stand up or a

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<v Speaker 2>improv class definitely worth it. Everybody should do it because

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<v Speaker 2>it'll help your confidence and communication hugely valuable. But it's

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<v Speaker 2>not going to make you funny. You're probably not suddenly

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<v Speaker 2>going to be funny at forty years of age, forty

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<v Speaker 2>five years of age, but at twenty five or thirty

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<v Speaker 2>five or forty five or seventy five.

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<v Speaker 1>You can be.

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<v Speaker 2>Silly because you are silly, because you were born silly.

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<v Speaker 1>We all were.

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<v Speaker 2>I think the giggle is still there. I think the impishness.

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<v Speaker 2>I think the smile and the imagination, and people are

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<v Speaker 2>always like, well, who's creative person?

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<v Speaker 1>How do you be creative? We all are.

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<v Speaker 2>If you can dream, and we all dream, you have imagination.

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<v Speaker 2>The things that your imagination comes up with while you're asleep,

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<v Speaker 2>you have those, and that's what you have to work

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<v Speaker 2>with and you can put it to work.

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<v Speaker 1>That's silly. So every time you say, ladies, you.

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<v Speaker 2>Want funny, I think you really want that feeling you

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<v Speaker 2>had with your girlfriends, either recently or long ago. You know,

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<v Speaker 2>Alanis Mori set went on a tour I think last summer,

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<v Speaker 2>and a lot of women I know were like, oh

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<v Speaker 2>my god, I can't wait to go that. It wasn't

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<v Speaker 2>about Atlantis. It was about reliving a time in the

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<v Speaker 2>nineties when.

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<v Speaker 1>They just could do anything.

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<v Speaker 2>And it's the same way people of all ages sing

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<v Speaker 2>their asses off at a Taylor Swift concert, or they

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<v Speaker 2>spent a ridiculous amount of time worrying about what was

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<v Speaker 2>happening with Ross and Rachel back in the day or

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<v Speaker 2>whatever the characters are on Big Bang Theory.

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<v Speaker 1>Then I don't watch, but a lot of people do.

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<v Speaker 2>And you absolutely would want love to share some of

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<v Speaker 2>that feeling, those feelings with a guy, one guy, the

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<v Speaker 2>Taylor Swift and the friend stuff, but the feeling how

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<v Speaker 2>ridiculous it all is to care. If you care that much,

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<v Speaker 2>it feels silly, that's a good thing. That's what you

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<v Speaker 2>really want to care about. Funny is sometimes a window

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<v Speaker 2>to a dark place, but silly is a gateway to

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<v Speaker 2>the vulnerable. And if you find that in the guy,

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<v Speaker 2>I think you'll find that in yourself. And then I

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<v Speaker 2>think you'll find that in the relationship. And I think

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<v Speaker 2>if you find that, you're gonna laugh plenty too, and

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<v Speaker 2>you'll probably love plenty too, and you'll be just fine.

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<v Speaker 1>So maybe you.

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<v Speaker 2>Thought me babbling on about this for a while was

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<v Speaker 2>a bit silly.

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<v Speaker 1>Too bad. That's a good thing.

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<v Speaker 2>So maybe I'll go get on one of those bikes

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<v Speaker 2>and ride around Scott's Deale go whoo.

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<v Speaker 1>The girls will be like, don't do that anyway.

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<v Speaker 2>Shoot me an email funny, sad, serious or silly great

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<v Speaker 2>lovedebated gmail dot com. I wanna hear your thoughts. I

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<v Speaker 2>wanna hear your feedback. I get a very different interesting

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<v Speaker 2>episode coming up.

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<v Speaker 1>I believe next week, two weeks.

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<v Speaker 2>Listen to all of them. It's like picking a favorite child.

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<v Speaker 2>But one's gonna be like, huh, that's a weird guest.

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<v Speaker 2>He had on to talk about something very out of

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<v Speaker 2>the box.

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<v Speaker 1>Do that.

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<v Speaker 2>Like, share, follow, Please review this podcast your reviews. Once again,

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<v Speaker 2>I mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem because as

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<v Speaker 2>always at the Great Love Debate, we never stopped making love.

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<v Speaker 1>To see you next time, the Great Love Debate. It's

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<v Speaker 1>the Great Love Debate, Great Love Debate. It's a Great

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<v Speaker 1>Love Debase.