WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:09.080 This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great 2 00:00:09.400 --> 00:00:15.119 Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. 3 00:00:16.039 --> 00:00:19.239 It's a great love To hi and everyone. It's Brian Howie. 4 00:00:19.280 --> 00:00:23.879 Welcome to the Great Love Debate. The world's number one 5 00:00:24.000 --> 00:00:27.000 dating relationship podcast is twenty fifteen. My producer of Vian 6 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:29.039 Marie hates when I do that, but that's my thing. 7 00:00:29.760 --> 00:00:33.320 We are back here in the very fine studios of 8 00:00:33.479 --> 00:00:36.359 Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. I am at the 9 00:00:36.359 --> 00:00:38.799 one once again in Boca Raton, Florida. I saw some 10 00:00:38.920 --> 00:00:42.320 critters running by because Boca Raton, Florida is akin to 11 00:00:42.399 --> 00:00:44.920 Jurassic Park, especially this time of the year. I have 12 00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:48.200 somebody in here. She described herself before she came in. 13 00:00:48.200 --> 00:00:49.960 I'll get into her credentials in a second. She goes, 14 00:00:50.000 --> 00:00:52.920 I'm not sure if I'm a friend or a foe. 15 00:00:53.079 --> 00:00:57.000 We will get into that. I think she would describe 16 00:00:57.000 --> 00:01:00.799 herself as a diva. But she is very multi hyphen it. 17 00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:03.840 She is a therapist, she's an author, she's a hypnote therapist. 18 00:01:03.960 --> 00:01:07.719 She's a coach, she's a bon vivante. She's the host 19 00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:12.200 of the Your Mental Highness podcast, and that should tell 20 00:01:12.200 --> 00:01:15.640 you everything. You need to know about her. She's not. 21 00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:19.120 Her real name is doctor Janey Lomaski, but she goes 22 00:01:19.159 --> 00:01:23.159 by doctor j Welcome to the Great Love Debate. 23 00:01:23.280 --> 00:01:25.560 Wow, thank you so much for having me here. 24 00:01:25.760 --> 00:01:30.760 Finally, finally I've known you like a month. She's like 25 00:01:31.000 --> 00:01:33.120 finally and she comes in here? Are you come in here? 26 00:01:33.159 --> 00:01:35.439 And You're like, you're so distracted and you're not talking 27 00:01:35.439 --> 00:01:37.120 to me, not creating anybody. I want to save it 28 00:01:37.159 --> 00:01:37.959 for the podcast. 29 00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:39.200 Yes you did say that. 30 00:01:39.359 --> 00:01:41.599 Yeah, that's like people, you know, wanting to send people 31 00:01:41.599 --> 00:01:43.239 a list of questions before they go on a date, 32 00:01:43.280 --> 00:01:45.000 and I'm like, save it for the date. 33 00:01:45.480 --> 00:01:45.959 You're right. 34 00:01:46.239 --> 00:01:47.840 You asked me what I was drinking, and I said, 35 00:01:47.840 --> 00:01:49.200 ask me again because I want to tell the story. 36 00:01:49.239 --> 00:01:50.799 Okay, so what are you drinking? 37 00:01:51.159 --> 00:01:54.159 I'm drinking ice green tea and let me tell you why. 38 00:01:54.200 --> 00:01:56.120 But can I just tell you that I didn't take 39 00:01:56.159 --> 00:01:58.120 you for an ice green tea, but. 40 00:01:58.280 --> 00:02:01.799 You took me for what like bourbon oclock in the afternoon? Yes, okay, 41 00:02:01.920 --> 00:02:04.719 that says a lot about me, I guess, and how 42 00:02:04.760 --> 00:02:09.080 I look. I almost never drink anymore. I used to 43 00:02:09.120 --> 00:02:11.680 be known. I used to drink so much diet coke 44 00:02:12.240 --> 00:02:15.319 that I was known in Santa Michael, California as diet 45 00:02:15.400 --> 00:02:17.560 coke Guy. I would wake up in the morning and 46 00:02:17.560 --> 00:02:19.120 I would get a big gulp of die coke and 47 00:02:19.120 --> 00:02:20.599 fill it all day long. I'll drink like one hundred 48 00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:22.960 diet cokes a day. I do the Great Love Debate 49 00:02:23.080 --> 00:02:26.960 Show live in Minneapolis a few years ago. A woman 50 00:02:26.960 --> 00:02:29.080 comes up to me after the show and she goes, 51 00:02:29.120 --> 00:02:30.400 that was a really good show. That was fun. I 52 00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:32.479 work with a lot of people in the relationship space, 53 00:02:32.479 --> 00:02:33.520 and I go, what do you do? She goes, I'm 54 00:02:33.520 --> 00:02:35.159 a hypnotherapist, and I go, what are you do in 55 00:02:35.159 --> 00:02:37.120 the relationship space? She goes, I try and heal them. 56 00:02:37.159 --> 00:02:39.759 I go, you can hypnotize people out of heartbreak. She goes, 57 00:02:39.759 --> 00:02:41.960 I can hypnotize people out of anything. She goes, what 58 00:02:41.960 --> 00:02:43.919 do you think the hardest thing to hypnotize you out of? 59 00:02:44.520 --> 00:02:47.319 I go diet coke. She goes, sit down. Ten minutes later, 60 00:02:47.319 --> 00:02:50.759 I never had a diet coke again. It works right, 61 00:02:51.039 --> 00:02:52.439 and I and part of me is like, oh, I 62 00:02:52.479 --> 00:02:55.319 wasted my wish on diet coke like ten minutes in 63 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:57.400 a bar and I never had to die coke again. 64 00:02:57.520 --> 00:02:59.639 And now I have green tea, so I have the 65 00:02:59.639 --> 00:03:02.759 illus of healthy. So you do. You also believe that 66 00:03:02.800 --> 00:03:05.400 you can hypnotize people out of anything or into anything. 67 00:03:06.360 --> 00:03:11.439 I believe in hypnosis. I believe in hypnotherapy. It's used 68 00:03:11.439 --> 00:03:13.879 for many things. It's used for trauma, it's used for 69 00:03:14.319 --> 00:03:17.879 smoking cessation. I got a friend, actually a good friend 70 00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:21.039 of mine, or actually not really good friends anymore, but 71 00:03:21.080 --> 00:03:24.800 we were and he stops drinking coffee. He said, I'm 72 00:03:24.919 --> 00:03:27.639 so anxious. I'm so anxious. I said, stop drinking coffee. 73 00:03:27.680 --> 00:03:30.400 He said I can't. I said, well, come into my office. 74 00:03:30.439 --> 00:03:32.159 He did never touch a cup again. 75 00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:35.120 See to me as a lay person, I think hypnotherapy 76 00:03:35.159 --> 00:03:38.560 is so wildly different from traditional therapy, which you also do. 77 00:03:38.680 --> 00:03:40.080 How do you balance both sides of that? 78 00:03:40.840 --> 00:03:44.759 Well, you know, hypnotherapy is just one of the techniques 79 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:49.759 that we use, so it's more like it's an intensive 80 00:03:49.960 --> 00:03:55.400 type of therapeutic intervention versus talking therapy. In my hypnotherapy, 81 00:03:55.680 --> 00:03:59.560 I do something called heart centered hypnotherapy, and what it 82 00:03:59.599 --> 00:04:03.039 is is as we do an induction with two age 83 00:04:03.080 --> 00:04:05.840 regressions and then a healing for your inner child. 84 00:04:06.159 --> 00:04:11.120 Oh wow, I could use all that I got interviewed 85 00:04:12.080 --> 00:04:15.439 and they asked me what is the hardest challenge about 86 00:04:15.439 --> 00:04:18.439 getting into good relationship? And my answer was getting out 87 00:04:18.439 --> 00:04:21.839 of a bad relationship. And a lot of people stay 88 00:04:22.439 --> 00:04:25.319 in bad relationships too long. They're afraid that it's a 89 00:04:25.319 --> 00:04:27.160 game of musical chairs and they won't get a seat. 90 00:04:27.639 --> 00:04:29.759 They would rather deal with the the you know, the 91 00:04:29.800 --> 00:04:31.639 devil you know, than the one you don't. You have 92 00:04:31.759 --> 00:04:34.439 written on this today. To stay or not to stay? 93 00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:38.360 Is that what it's called. It is a challenge to 94 00:04:38.360 --> 00:04:42.000 get out of a bad relationship because you're still maybe 95 00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:43.800 chasing the one day of the week that it's bad 96 00:04:43.839 --> 00:04:45.800 and the light still flickers on and you hope they 97 00:04:45.839 --> 00:04:47.639 can change or they used to be like that, And 98 00:04:47.639 --> 00:04:49.920 there's so many variables in our minds that it's tough 99 00:04:49.959 --> 00:04:52.319 to just say screw it, right true. 100 00:04:52.639 --> 00:04:57.879 That's actually we're taught. The most difficult type of bond 101 00:04:58.199 --> 00:05:03.519 or relationship or habit to break is where there's partial reinforcement. 102 00:05:04.439 --> 00:05:08.959 People stay in bad relationships because it's bad, bad, bad, 103 00:05:09.120 --> 00:05:11.839 and that one time, like you said that, they're thrown 104 00:05:11.959 --> 00:05:15.120 a bone or oh you look beautiful, or you're so 105 00:05:15.360 --> 00:05:18.199 good to me. They want to catch that again and 106 00:05:18.240 --> 00:05:22.279 it's called intermittent or partial reinforcement. And it's so difficult 107 00:05:22.360 --> 00:05:24.160 to leave that because you're waiting for it. 108 00:05:24.480 --> 00:05:27.639 I had that. I had a girlfriend and she was 109 00:05:27.959 --> 00:05:29.480 I won't even talk about the relationship. I'm just saying 110 00:05:29.560 --> 00:05:31.000 she was happy. Maybe that i'd lot to do their 111 00:05:31.000 --> 00:05:33.160 relationship six days a week so I could get through 112 00:05:33.160 --> 00:05:35.600 one bad day and then went down to five and 113 00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:37.720 then four and three and two and one. That one 114 00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:41.680 day was enough to last a couple more years, because 115 00:05:41.720 --> 00:05:44.319 I would, I might, it's still possible, and you would 116 00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:46.319 hope one would turn into two whatever. It never did 117 00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:48.480 because once it goes, that's tough to tough that slide. 118 00:05:48.480 --> 00:05:51.279 But I was that was enough to give me hope. 119 00:05:51.319 --> 00:05:52.519 And it was so bad. 120 00:05:52.920 --> 00:05:55.040 So wait, it was one bad day, or it. 121 00:05:54.959 --> 00:05:57.160 Was one bad day, and eventually it got to six 122 00:05:57.240 --> 00:05:57.839 bad days. 123 00:05:57.959 --> 00:05:59.360 Oh it started at one day. 124 00:05:59.439 --> 00:06:01.680 Yeah, so she was great, and then the second year goes, 125 00:06:02.040 --> 00:06:05.240 you were bad. I don't think you got any better. 126 00:06:05.360 --> 00:06:07.879 Maybe it could have been me. I'm sure I wasn't. 127 00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:11.120 I was only cared about the one day that she 128 00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:12.519 was happy. I mean, this is a good question. I 129 00:06:12.560 --> 00:06:14.920 don't know. Looking back, I'm sure I was not dream boyfriend, 130 00:06:15.360 --> 00:06:19.680 but she just wasn't in a happy person and she 131 00:06:19.720 --> 00:06:21.360 went into that spiral. I didn't know how to handle it. 132 00:06:21.399 --> 00:06:23.480 But the fact that one day week the light bulb 133 00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:26.439 would go back on, I'd be like, oh, it's possible, 134 00:06:27.360 --> 00:06:30.439 and you're chasing that and that was frustrating for me. 135 00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:32.920 I'm sure it was frustrating for her, and I'm like, 136 00:06:33.120 --> 00:06:34.839 I hope I can't. I hope we can make it 137 00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:38.000 to Sunday, that's her good day. And it just it 138 00:06:38.040 --> 00:06:40.519 was unhealthy, but it made the makes a relationship last 139 00:06:40.519 --> 00:06:42.519 for a long long time because you didn't want to 140 00:06:42.600 --> 00:06:45.839 leave and then suddenly whatever was going through her, which 141 00:06:45.879 --> 00:06:48.519 people do go through shit. It could be a time, 142 00:06:48.519 --> 00:06:50.519 it could be a mood, and it could be whatever. 143 00:06:50.680 --> 00:06:52.279 You do want to ride it out, but you can't 144 00:06:52.360 --> 00:06:53.480 ride it out for thirty years. 145 00:06:53.759 --> 00:06:56.079 How long was that relationship. 146 00:06:55.600 --> 00:06:56.800 About six years? 147 00:06:57.160 --> 00:06:59.160 Wow, that's a long time. 148 00:07:01.519 --> 00:07:02.800 Yeah. 149 00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:08.240 Interesting, so so, but you were unhappy for you had 150 00:07:08.279 --> 00:07:10.720 just the one day and I stayed for six years. 151 00:07:11.319 --> 00:07:15.040 Massacres possibly, But part of me is like, she's going 152 00:07:15.079 --> 00:07:17.279 through something and my job as her boyfriend is too 153 00:07:18.480 --> 00:07:21.399 not the answer is to support her, I felt at 154 00:07:21.399 --> 00:07:24.199 the time. My job was to fix it and that 155 00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:24.800 didn't help. 156 00:07:25.040 --> 00:07:25.199 No. 157 00:07:26.319 --> 00:07:28.399 But so I wasn't like, what's wrong with you? I 158 00:07:28.439 --> 00:07:30.839 was like, watch me juggle? Will this make you laugh? 159 00:07:30.920 --> 00:07:32.959 And she's like, no, you're an idiot. Stop doing that. 160 00:07:33.800 --> 00:07:36.480 I'll see my my my man in a box like whatever. 161 00:07:36.639 --> 00:07:40.079 I was just like, well, she's just moody, and there 162 00:07:40.160 --> 00:07:43.160 was clearly something going on with her that I was 163 00:07:43.199 --> 00:07:45.399 either not in tune to. This is before I did 164 00:07:45.439 --> 00:07:48.120 the Great Left Debate. It wasn't so wise then or 165 00:07:48.160 --> 00:07:50.319 able to handle that. I would dismiss it. I would 166 00:07:50.319 --> 00:07:53.480 just ignore her on the bad days. So I'd go 167 00:07:53.519 --> 00:07:55.959 for a walk for like nine hours, like okay, because 168 00:07:55.959 --> 00:07:58.439 we lived at the beach, I'm like, oh you're coping. Yeah. 169 00:07:58.879 --> 00:08:00.759 That wasn't a good way to do it. Probably could 170 00:08:00.800 --> 00:08:03.279 have figured that out, or if I just asked the question, 171 00:08:03.480 --> 00:08:04.920 is there anything I can do to support you? Is 172 00:08:04.959 --> 00:08:06.920 there anything wrong? Like I didn't. I wanted to pretend 173 00:08:07.560 --> 00:08:09.639 that didn't happen. You know, this isn't about me, But 174 00:08:09.680 --> 00:08:10.839 a lot of people do this, and a lot of 175 00:08:10.839 --> 00:08:13.079 women do this. They justify the behavior like shit, my 176 00:08:13.480 --> 00:08:17.800 husband's drinking more, he's going out more when he was 177 00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:19.720 home Wednesday night and he did pick the kids up 178 00:08:19.720 --> 00:08:22.360 at school, so I guess everything's fine, Like we do 179 00:08:22.439 --> 00:08:25.000 want that because the idea of oh my god, this 180 00:08:25.160 --> 00:08:26.879 is not working, it's broken and I got to go 181 00:08:26.920 --> 00:08:29.439 back out there in date or I failed in a relationship. 182 00:08:29.480 --> 00:08:30.920 Well that's the big one that I have to go 183 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:33.240 back there and date. That's a huge one. People do 184 00:08:33.399 --> 00:08:34.840 not want to start over. 185 00:08:35.080 --> 00:08:36.919 They don't. It's like, oh my god, I got to 186 00:08:36.919 --> 00:08:39.320 could learn somebody's habits all over again. I got to 187 00:08:39.320 --> 00:08:40.919 figure out what side of the movie theater they like 188 00:08:40.960 --> 00:08:43.639 to sit on. Like you were in this comfort zone 189 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:46.720 that might not even be that comfortable, and you're like, 190 00:08:46.919 --> 00:08:51.080 that's better than I got to go through one hundred resumes. Essentially. 191 00:08:51.159 --> 00:08:53.600 I had a guy once say to me, you're moody. 192 00:08:54.039 --> 00:08:57.720 That's why. No, he said, I'm moody. That's why I 193 00:08:57.799 --> 00:08:58.519 like being with. 194 00:08:58.480 --> 00:09:03.919 You, because you're not. I wasn't sure, But your job 195 00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:05.200 is to be sure because you're a therapist. 196 00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:07.600 Well, I try not to be one when i'm dating. 197 00:09:07.720 --> 00:09:09.120 Well, how do you shut that off? Because that was 198 00:09:09.120 --> 00:09:11.600 one of the questions I had, like, because that's intimidating, 199 00:09:11.919 --> 00:09:13.360 it's seeming to me for somebody going on a day 200 00:09:13.360 --> 00:09:15.120 with me because they're like, are you asking me questions 201 00:09:15.120 --> 00:09:17.039 for the great love debate? Or ask questions because you're interested. 202 00:09:17.159 --> 00:09:20.080 My answer is always a bit of both. Oh wow, 203 00:09:20.279 --> 00:09:21.039 it's a bit of both. 204 00:09:21.120 --> 00:09:25.360 Like, so I usually say that if I'm working, I'm 205 00:09:25.360 --> 00:09:28.080 going to give you a bill, I'm charging you. Oh 206 00:09:28.120 --> 00:09:31.399 so that's why I that's what helps me to separate it. 207 00:09:31.559 --> 00:09:33.759 I don't want to. I want to turn off, but 208 00:09:33.879 --> 00:09:35.799 you can't. The answer is you can't. 209 00:09:35.960 --> 00:09:37.039 I can't take your brain off. 210 00:09:37.159 --> 00:09:40.200 Can't turn off what you know? What's like day in 211 00:09:40.200 --> 00:09:42.320 and day out. I analyze, It's what I. 212 00:09:42.279 --> 00:09:44.720 Do, but in the moment, it's not doesn't make you 213 00:09:44.759 --> 00:09:46.600 a better date or either therapist go to therapist. 214 00:09:46.840 --> 00:09:48.799 Oh yeah, no, it doesn't. Definitely doesn't make you a 215 00:09:48.799 --> 00:09:49.279 better date. 216 00:09:49.360 --> 00:09:52.000 It might make you worse because you're because you're analyzing 217 00:09:52.000 --> 00:09:52.879 everything much worse. 218 00:09:52.919 --> 00:09:56.000 I'm like already thinking about your green tea. And you 219 00:09:56.159 --> 00:09:57.960 really had a problem when you were wearing a suit 220 00:09:58.000 --> 00:09:58.720 jacket today. 221 00:09:58.840 --> 00:10:01.679 That's weird. You would have thought, maybe because we're recording 222 00:10:01.720 --> 00:10:04.000 South Florida, you would have thought it was more socially 223 00:10:04.039 --> 00:10:07.159 acceptable for me to sit here with a whiskey than 224 00:10:07.200 --> 00:10:07.960 a green tea. 225 00:10:08.679 --> 00:10:11.080 Well, you look more like a whiskey than a green tea. 226 00:10:11.240 --> 00:10:12.840 Is that a compliment or is that an insult? 227 00:10:12.919 --> 00:10:14.080 I would say it's a compliment. 228 00:10:14.240 --> 00:10:16.200 Okay. Some guy came in here the other day. He's like, 229 00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:18.320 you seem like a cigar bar. Guy. I'm like, I do. 230 00:10:19.120 --> 00:10:19.559 I don't. 231 00:10:19.840 --> 00:10:21.480 I can see the cigar and the whiskey. 232 00:10:21.679 --> 00:10:26.320 Yeah, that means I'm just rumpled dot I don't. Okay, 233 00:10:26.519 --> 00:10:30.080 I mean to shave more, I suppose. But yeah, so 234 00:10:30.200 --> 00:10:32.519 you're and then you're like, huh green tea. To me 235 00:10:32.600 --> 00:10:34.480 that would be like, oh, he's very multi layered. And 236 00:10:34.480 --> 00:10:36.000 to you you're like, hey, it's kind of a pussy. 237 00:10:37.559 --> 00:10:39.279 I don't know if I went that far, but it 238 00:10:39.360 --> 00:10:39.919 was close. 239 00:10:42.440 --> 00:10:44.320 I think it's good for you. Right. This might even 240 00:10:44.360 --> 00:10:45.679 be half green, half black and. 241 00:10:45.759 --> 00:10:47.320 Not stop staring at the green tea. 242 00:10:47.639 --> 00:10:48.320 Sorry about that. 243 00:10:48.399 --> 00:10:48.879 No worries. 244 00:10:49.879 --> 00:10:53.320 So back to to stay or not to stay? Because 245 00:10:53.320 --> 00:10:55.679 I had a divorce lawyer on this podcast a couple 246 00:10:55.679 --> 00:10:58.919 months ago. She was great during yafa and I asked her, 247 00:10:59.039 --> 00:11:02.759 I said, are there too many divorces or not enough? 248 00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:07.480 And she said there aren't the right ones. And so 249 00:11:07.639 --> 00:11:10.519 she's like the right people the wrong people are getting divorced. 250 00:11:10.519 --> 00:11:12.240 That there's a certain amount of people that should be 251 00:11:12.279 --> 00:11:14.360 able to work through the muck and get through it 252 00:11:14.360 --> 00:11:16.039 to the other side if they could do just communicate 253 00:11:16.120 --> 00:11:20.440 or you know, heal. And then there's certain people who 254 00:11:21.200 --> 00:11:24.360 should be broken up from the third date, and they 255 00:11:24.480 --> 00:11:27.120 let stuff fly until they're five years into it, and 256 00:11:27.159 --> 00:11:28.960 maybe a kid in a mortgage and it's too late 257 00:11:28.960 --> 00:11:30.720 to get out of it and they can't pull the parachute, 258 00:11:30.759 --> 00:11:33.000 and then they wake up and they're fifty four. You know. 259 00:11:33.440 --> 00:11:36.720 Well, I guess I would say psychologically speaking that there 260 00:11:37.759 --> 00:11:41.919 are a little bit of both too much divorce with 261 00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:45.879 maybe the wrong people and not enough divorce right from people. 262 00:11:45.960 --> 00:11:49.960 So I definitely think that I both more people certain 263 00:11:50.039 --> 00:11:52.759 people should be getting divorced. So like here, I have 264 00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:57.080 a new couple that came in. She cheated for three years, 265 00:11:58.399 --> 00:12:01.879 she's sober for fifteen years, he's sober for two years. 266 00:12:02.519 --> 00:12:06.360 He caught her cheating when they first started out dating. 267 00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:09.399 Then when they got married, she cheated again. 268 00:12:10.120 --> 00:12:12.720 So was she cheating with the same person for three years? 269 00:12:13.080 --> 00:12:15.600 Just lots of this, No, the same person for three years, 270 00:12:15.639 --> 00:12:17.759 the recent one but then this was a new thing 271 00:12:17.799 --> 00:12:19.960 that I thought was interesting. He said, she may be 272 00:12:20.039 --> 00:12:23.840 sober because I guess alcohol was her thing like pills 273 00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:26.480 was his. But she's not emotionally sober. 274 00:12:27.120 --> 00:12:28.360 I know. That's a question. Would you rather have a 275 00:12:28.440 --> 00:12:32.000 drunk or cheater? I mean, I suppose, because neither neither's good. 276 00:12:32.080 --> 00:12:34.559 So when you work with a couple, in the first 277 00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:37.519 five minutes or the first couple of sessions, you have 278 00:12:37.559 --> 00:12:39.559 to know like should these two be together or should 279 00:12:39.559 --> 00:12:42.600 these two not? And you can't give that opinion correct. 280 00:12:42.720 --> 00:12:45.159 So that's what they all want to know what to do. 281 00:12:45.240 --> 00:12:47.200 But they don't want to know what to do right 282 00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:50.240 because you know how many times I've told people, listen, 283 00:12:50.519 --> 00:12:52.879 this is what I see, this is your history, this 284 00:12:52.960 --> 00:12:55.360 is the behavior, this is what's going to happen. What 285 00:12:55.399 --> 00:12:58.120 do you want to do a lot of people don't listen. 286 00:12:58.919 --> 00:13:01.799 So that's I have a good business. 287 00:13:02.080 --> 00:13:04.120 Yeah, I know they don't want to listen. They pay you. 288 00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:05.679 Either way, they don't want to listen. 289 00:13:05.840 --> 00:13:09.320 But how do you find yourself not taking sides. 290 00:13:10.360 --> 00:13:12.919 I'm very good at neutral. 291 00:13:12.759 --> 00:13:14.879 I know, but that's how do you do that because 292 00:13:14.919 --> 00:13:16.559 you must be like, oh my god, he's such a 293 00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:19.039 fucking asshole? What is she doing with him? Or vice 294 00:13:19.120 --> 00:13:22.080 versa and you. I went to a therapist once with 295 00:13:22.120 --> 00:13:24.399 a girlfriend. I thought she was she I've been twice once. 296 00:13:24.480 --> 00:13:28.320 I thought that that she definitely liked me the therapist 297 00:13:28.519 --> 00:13:30.039 and I charmed the shit out of her, and I 298 00:13:30.080 --> 00:13:34.159 want a lot. And secondly, I went to one that 299 00:13:34.200 --> 00:13:36.960 had been like, you're on her side, Like clearly I 300 00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:39.559 felt like they talked before the session. I was super paranoid, 301 00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:41.799 like I didn't like any of it. You have to 302 00:13:41.799 --> 00:13:43.679 go in and just hope that this is an honest 303 00:13:43.759 --> 00:13:45.080 dialogue between three people. 304 00:13:45.480 --> 00:13:46.879 That's why I did. I do have a lot of 305 00:13:46.879 --> 00:13:50.519 people that say to me, wow, I really felt that, Like, 306 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:52.960 you didn't pick a side. What I do is I 307 00:13:53.000 --> 00:13:56.360 empathize with both. I look at them as individuals and 308 00:13:56.440 --> 00:13:59.240 I can empathize. Once you empathize with their story or 309 00:13:59.279 --> 00:14:02.759 empathize with their side, you don't pick sides. Plus, it's 310 00:14:02.799 --> 00:14:06.120 not my personal I'm as a psychologist coming in, not 311 00:14:06.200 --> 00:14:08.440 just a person saying, oh my god, she did that 312 00:14:08.600 --> 00:14:09.080 or he did so. 313 00:14:09.200 --> 00:14:12.879 Is empathy or thing in psychology, it's a huge thing. 314 00:14:13.279 --> 00:14:16.639 See that seems like you're that that involves feeling. Yes, 315 00:14:16.759 --> 00:14:18.879 but shouldn't you not feel anything? You're just looking at 316 00:14:18.879 --> 00:14:21.279 the data. You should be a cold ass bitch. 317 00:14:21.480 --> 00:14:25.080 No, no, who educated, I'm going to the wrong. 318 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:30.399 Yeah thoughts, but no, I know your life. 319 00:14:30.519 --> 00:14:31.120 Yeah that's good. 320 00:14:31.200 --> 00:14:33.159 She's out of the fringe. Yes, so she's so crazy 321 00:14:33.159 --> 00:14:35.279 that I can't charm her. I'm like, okay, I good. 322 00:14:36.159 --> 00:14:38.600 But it's all when you know, a lot of times 323 00:14:38.600 --> 00:14:41.159 people say, oh my god, did you like him or 324 00:14:41.200 --> 00:14:44.120 did she like him? Like as a psychologist, there's something 325 00:14:44.159 --> 00:14:48.519 called transference and countertransference, so it's not necessarily like not 326 00:14:48.519 --> 00:14:50.600 for everyone though, because there is My Doctor, My Lover. 327 00:14:50.679 --> 00:14:53.240 If you ever saw that sixty minute episodes, it's very old, 328 00:14:53.240 --> 00:14:58.159 but it's like obscene because he literally would time the sessions, 329 00:14:58.679 --> 00:15:02.480 they would have sex, the timer would go off, she 330 00:15:02.559 --> 00:15:06.240 would pay for the session and then leave. And when 331 00:15:06.240 --> 00:15:08.960 he went to court, yeah, all these years and opens 332 00:15:09.039 --> 00:15:11.080 up this whole story it's called My Doctor, My Level. 333 00:15:11.159 --> 00:15:12.960 I'll never forget I watched in My Doctor. 334 00:15:13.159 --> 00:15:15.080 Is that illegal or is that just a bad technique? 335 00:15:15.399 --> 00:15:21.000 It's illegal and he got off with like a slap. 336 00:15:20.720 --> 00:15:23.320 On the Why is it legal? Illegally? It's just his technique. 337 00:15:23.320 --> 00:15:28.159 He's it's weird. It's not illegal, it's it's due harm. 338 00:15:28.399 --> 00:15:30.480 That's a crime. Or it's ethically wrong and you use 339 00:15:30.519 --> 00:15:32.120 your license, it's illegal. 340 00:15:32.679 --> 00:15:37.039 Really, yes, it's unethical and illegal. 341 00:15:37.200 --> 00:15:39.480 And I'm a weird thing. So I might have told 342 00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:41.200 this on a prior podcast. There was a there was 343 00:15:41.240 --> 00:15:44.320 a story on the news in Phoenix and this guy 344 00:15:44.360 --> 00:15:47.279 got arrested because he was going to car washes outdoor 345 00:15:47.279 --> 00:15:49.720 car washes like self serve, and he was crawling under 346 00:15:49.759 --> 00:15:51.399 cars and he was looking at people's feet, looking at 347 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:54.120 women's feet, and I'm like, why is that a crime. 348 00:15:54.600 --> 00:15:57.120 He's not touching them, He's fifty feet away. He's just like, 349 00:15:57.480 --> 00:15:58.919 look at their feet. If he looked at their face, 350 00:15:58.919 --> 00:16:00.559 nobody would care. If you looked at the hands, nobody 351 00:16:00.600 --> 00:16:03.080 would care. I think it's because that it's weird. He 352 00:16:03.120 --> 00:16:06.720 got arrested. Wait, wait, wait, he's just crawling under cars 353 00:16:06.759 --> 00:16:09.720 and he's staring at women's feet and they arrested him 354 00:16:09.759 --> 00:16:13.759 for like criminal mischief or something like that. And I'm like, 355 00:16:13.799 --> 00:16:14.679 why is that a crime? 356 00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:17.440 I don't know, right, I wanted to let. 357 00:16:17.440 --> 00:16:19.960 Like he's a freak and a foot fetishist, right, But 358 00:16:20.000 --> 00:16:22.080 if he was if he was standing in distance and 359 00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:24.240 he was just looking at your elbow or your face, 360 00:16:24.360 --> 00:16:26.519 nobody would say anything. But because of his feet and 361 00:16:26.519 --> 00:16:28.159 people think it's weird, it became a crime. 362 00:16:28.720 --> 00:16:29.559 I think that's weird. 363 00:16:29.759 --> 00:16:31.919 I agree with you. So I'm not trying to defend 364 00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:33.759 the foot fetish, but I'm like, why is that illegal? 365 00:16:34.039 --> 00:16:35.559 He's not touching anybody, he's not saying anything. 366 00:16:35.600 --> 00:16:36.960 I don't even think is a foot fetish. 367 00:16:37.399 --> 00:16:40.080 No, it's not. But they arrested him and he's like, 368 00:16:40.200 --> 00:16:42.480 it was like fifty thousand dollars bail. I'm like, how serious. 369 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:44.679 I wanted to set it like a GoFundMe for a freak. 370 00:16:44.919 --> 00:16:47.080 I can think of so many more people leading to arrest. 371 00:16:47.279 --> 00:16:49.679 I agree. We got a lot to talk about here. 372 00:16:49.679 --> 00:16:51.600 I'm gonna get into the nitty gritty. I'm here with 373 00:16:52.120 --> 00:16:58.000 Jane Lamaski, doctor j She is your mental highness. I 374 00:16:58.039 --> 00:16:59.360 take a quick break because you have to pay for 375 00:16:59.440 --> 00:17:02.200 things like what fetishist and therapy. We'll be back right 376 00:17:02.399 --> 00:17:09.920 after this, and we are back what made you get 377 00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:13.200 into Like when you're six years old, you don't dream 378 00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:14.039 of being a therapist. 379 00:17:14.319 --> 00:17:15.880 No, I dreams of being a ballerina. 380 00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:21.680 Same you too, no way, and then. 381 00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:26.960 A vallerina, and then actually a lawyer. 382 00:17:27.480 --> 00:17:29.079 So how does one get into because that is a 383 00:17:29.079 --> 00:17:31.880 big leap and it's very specific, and you have to 384 00:17:32.680 --> 00:17:35.079 feel that you have empathy, like you have to know 385 00:17:35.119 --> 00:17:37.400 that you have a gift of some kind too, and 386 00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:40.440 that gift is what curiosity? What is that? 387 00:17:40.559 --> 00:17:43.160 It's more than that, it's being able to do the 388 00:17:43.200 --> 00:17:47.200 things we talked about empathize, being neutral. It's like putting 389 00:17:47.240 --> 00:17:50.680 pieces of a puzzle together and somebody brings you a 390 00:17:50.680 --> 00:17:54.160 puzzle every single week, and you have to be really 391 00:17:54.200 --> 00:17:57.279 good at figuring it out and doing it with such 392 00:17:57.400 --> 00:18:00.920 care and compassion and consideration. I always had that. I 393 00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:03.799 was always a mediator. There were friends that were always arguing. 394 00:18:03.960 --> 00:18:06.759 I was always able to fix it. I was always 395 00:18:06.759 --> 00:18:09.599 able to make all sides feel like they won. 396 00:18:10.079 --> 00:18:12.680 Right, So how do you get into so with that? 397 00:18:12.880 --> 00:18:15.759 Oh? So right? So then what happens is I want 398 00:18:15.759 --> 00:18:18.039 to be a ballerina. My parents promised me. We moved 399 00:18:18.039 --> 00:18:20.640 to Florida. I'm originally from Brooklyn, New York. We moved 400 00:18:20.640 --> 00:18:22.160 to Florida. We're going to open you up a dance 401 00:18:22.200 --> 00:18:24.000