Speaker 1: This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great
Speaker 1: Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: It's a great love To hi and everyone. It's Brian Howie.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Great Love Debate. The world's number one
Speaker 1: dating relationship podcast is twenty fifteen. My producer of Vian
Speaker 1: Marie hates when I do that, but that's my thing.
Speaker 1: We are back here in the very fine studios of
Speaker 1: Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. I am at the
Speaker 1: one once again in Boca Raton, Florida. I saw some
Speaker 1: critters running by because Boca Raton, Florida is akin to
Speaker 1: Jurassic Park, especially this time of the year. I have
Speaker 1: somebody in here. She described herself before she came in.
Speaker 1: I'll get into her credentials in a second. She goes,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure if I'm a friend or a foe.
Speaker 1: We will get into that. I think she would describe
Speaker 1: herself as a diva. But she is very multi hyphen it.
Speaker 1: She is a therapist, she's an author, she's a hypnote therapist.
Speaker 1: She's a coach, she's a bon vivante. She's the host
Speaker 1: of the Your Mental Highness podcast, and that should tell
Speaker 1: you everything. You need to know about her. She's not.
Speaker 1: Her real name is doctor Janey Lomaski, but she goes
Speaker 1: by doctor j Welcome to the Great Love Debate.
Speaker 2: Wow, thank you so much for having me here.
Speaker 1: Finally, finally I've known you like a month. She's like
Speaker 1: finally and she comes in here? Are you come in here?
Speaker 1: And You're like, you're so distracted and you're not talking
Speaker 1: to me, not creating anybody. I want to save it
Speaker 1: for the podcast.
Speaker 2: Yes you did say that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's like people, you know, wanting to send people
Speaker 1: a list of questions before they go on a date,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, save it for the date.
Speaker 2: You're right.
Speaker 1: You asked me what I was drinking, and I said,
Speaker 1: ask me again because I want to tell the story.
Speaker 2: Okay, so what are you drinking?
Speaker 1: I'm drinking ice green tea and let me tell you why.
Speaker 2: But can I just tell you that I didn't take
Speaker 2: you for an ice green tea, but.
Speaker 1: You took me for what like bourbon oclock in the afternoon? Yes, okay,
Speaker 1: that says a lot about me, I guess, and how
Speaker 1: I look. I almost never drink anymore. I used to
Speaker 1: be known. I used to drink so much diet coke
Speaker 1: that I was known in Santa Michael, California as diet
Speaker 1: coke Guy. I would wake up in the morning and
Speaker 1: I would get a big gulp of die coke and
Speaker 1: fill it all day long. I'll drink like one hundred
Speaker 1: diet cokes a day. I do the Great Love Debate
Speaker 1: Show live in Minneapolis a few years ago. A woman
Speaker 1: comes up to me after the show and she goes,
Speaker 1: that was a really good show. That was fun. I
Speaker 1: work with a lot of people in the relationship space,
Speaker 1: and I go, what do you do? She goes, I'm
Speaker 1: a hypnotherapist, and I go, what are you do in
Speaker 1: the relationship space? She goes, I try and heal them.
Speaker 1: I go, you can hypnotize people out of heartbreak. She goes,
Speaker 1: I can hypnotize people out of anything. She goes, what
Speaker 1: do you think the hardest thing to hypnotize you out of?
Speaker 1: I go diet coke. She goes, sit down. Ten minutes later,
Speaker 1: I never had a diet coke again. It works right,
Speaker 1: and I and part of me is like, oh, I
Speaker 1: wasted my wish on diet coke like ten minutes in
Speaker 1: a bar and I never had to die coke again.
Speaker 1: And now I have green tea, so I have the
Speaker 1: illus of healthy. So you do. You also believe that
Speaker 1: you can hypnotize people out of anything or into anything.
Speaker 2: I believe in hypnosis. I believe in hypnotherapy. It's used
Speaker 2: for many things. It's used for trauma, it's used for
Speaker 2: smoking cessation. I got a friend, actually a good friend
Speaker 2: of mine, or actually not really good friends anymore, but
Speaker 2: we were and he stops drinking coffee. He said, I'm
Speaker 2: so anxious. I'm so anxious. I said, stop drinking coffee.
Speaker 2: He said I can't. I said, well, come into my office.
Speaker 2: He did never touch a cup again.
Speaker 1: See to me as a lay person, I think hypnotherapy
Speaker 1: is so wildly different from traditional therapy, which you also do.
Speaker 1: How do you balance both sides of that?
Speaker 2: Well, you know, hypnotherapy is just one of the techniques
Speaker 2: that we use, so it's more like it's an intensive
Speaker 2: type of therapeutic intervention versus talking therapy. In my hypnotherapy,
Speaker 2: I do something called heart centered hypnotherapy, and what it
Speaker 2: is is as we do an induction with two age
Speaker 2: regressions and then a healing for your inner child.
Speaker 1: Oh wow, I could use all that I got interviewed
Speaker 1: and they asked me what is the hardest challenge about
Speaker 1: getting into good relationship? And my answer was getting out
Speaker 1: of a bad relationship. And a lot of people stay
Speaker 1: in bad relationships too long. They're afraid that it's a
Speaker 1: game of musical chairs and they won't get a seat.
Speaker 1: They would rather deal with the the you know, the
Speaker 1: devil you know, than the one you don't. You have
Speaker 1: written on this today. To stay or not to stay?
Speaker 1: Is that what it's called. It is a challenge to
Speaker 1: get out of a bad relationship because you're still maybe
Speaker 1: chasing the one day of the week that it's bad
Speaker 1: and the light still flickers on and you hope they
Speaker 1: can change or they used to be like that, And
Speaker 1: there's so many variables in our minds that it's tough
Speaker 1: to just say screw it, right true.
Speaker 2: That's actually we're taught. The most difficult type of bond
Speaker 2: or relationship or habit to break is where there's partial reinforcement.
Speaker 2: People stay in bad relationships because it's bad, bad, bad,
Speaker 2: and that one time, like you said that, they're thrown
Speaker 2: a bone or oh you look beautiful, or you're so
Speaker 2: good to me. They want to catch that again and
Speaker 2: it's called intermittent or partial reinforcement. And it's so difficult
Speaker 2: to leave that because you're waiting for it.
Speaker 1: I had that. I had a girlfriend and she was
Speaker 1: I won't even talk about the relationship. I'm just saying
Speaker 1: she was happy. Maybe that i'd lot to do their
Speaker 1: relationship six days a week so I could get through
Speaker 1: one bad day and then went down to five and
Speaker 1: then four and three and two and one. That one
Speaker 1: day was enough to last a couple more years, because
Speaker 1: I would, I might, it's still possible, and you would
Speaker 1: hope one would turn into two whatever. It never did
Speaker 1: because once it goes, that's tough to tough that slide.
Speaker 1: But I was that was enough to give me hope.
Speaker 1: And it was so bad.
Speaker 2: So wait, it was one bad day, or it.
Speaker 1: Was one bad day, and eventually it got to six
Speaker 1: bad days.
Speaker 2: Oh it started at one day.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so she was great, and then the second year goes,
Speaker 1: you were bad. I don't think you got any better.
Speaker 1: Maybe it could have been me. I'm sure I wasn't.
Speaker 1: I was only cared about the one day that she
Speaker 1: was happy. I mean, this is a good question. I
Speaker 1: don't know. Looking back, I'm sure I was not dream boyfriend,
Speaker 1: but she just wasn't in a happy person and she
Speaker 1: went into that spiral. I didn't know how to handle it.
Speaker 1: But the fact that one day week the light bulb
Speaker 1: would go back on, I'd be like, oh, it's possible,
Speaker 1: and you're chasing that and that was frustrating for me.
Speaker 1: I'm sure it was frustrating for her, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: I hope I can't. I hope we can make it
Speaker 1: to Sunday, that's her good day. And it just it
Speaker 1: was unhealthy, but it made the makes a relationship last
Speaker 1: for a long long time because you didn't want to
Speaker 1: leave and then suddenly whatever was going through her, which
Speaker 1: people do go through shit. It could be a time,
Speaker 1: it could be a mood, and it could be whatever.
Speaker 1: You do want to ride it out, but you can't
Speaker 1: ride it out for thirty years.
Speaker 2: How long was that relationship.
Speaker 1: About six years?
Speaker 2: Wow, that's a long time.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: Interesting, so so, but you were unhappy for you had
Speaker 2: just the one day and I stayed for six years.
Speaker 1: Massacres possibly, But part of me is like, she's going
Speaker 1: through something and my job as her boyfriend is too
Speaker 1: not the answer is to support her, I felt at
Speaker 1: the time. My job was to fix it and that
Speaker 1: didn't help.
Speaker 2: No.
Speaker 1: But so I wasn't like, what's wrong with you? I
Speaker 1: was like, watch me juggle? Will this make you laugh?
Speaker 1: And she's like, no, you're an idiot. Stop doing that.
Speaker 1: I'll see my my my man in a box like whatever.
Speaker 1: I was just like, well, she's just moody, and there
Speaker 1: was clearly something going on with her that I was
Speaker 1: either not in tune to. This is before I did
Speaker 1: the Great Left Debate. It wasn't so wise then or
Speaker 1: able to handle that. I would dismiss it. I would
Speaker 1: just ignore her on the bad days. So I'd go
Speaker 1: for a walk for like nine hours, like okay, because
Speaker 1: we lived at the beach, I'm like, oh you're coping. Yeah.
Speaker 1: That wasn't a good way to do it. Probably could
Speaker 1: have figured that out, or if I just asked the question,
Speaker 1: is there anything I can do to support you? Is
Speaker 1: there anything wrong? Like I didn't. I wanted to pretend
Speaker 1: that didn't happen. You know, this isn't about me, But
Speaker 1: a lot of people do this, and a lot of
Speaker 1: women do this. They justify the behavior like shit, my
Speaker 1: husband's drinking more, he's going out more when he was
Speaker 1: home Wednesday night and he did pick the kids up
Speaker 1: at school, so I guess everything's fine, Like we do
Speaker 1: want that because the idea of oh my god, this
Speaker 1: is not working, it's broken and I got to go
Speaker 1: back out there in date or I failed in a relationship.
Speaker 2: Well that's the big one that I have to go
Speaker 2: back there and date. That's a huge one. People do
Speaker 2: not want to start over.
Speaker 1: They don't. It's like, oh my god, I got to
Speaker 1: could learn somebody's habits all over again. I got to
Speaker 1: figure out what side of the movie theater they like
Speaker 1: to sit on. Like you were in this comfort zone
Speaker 1: that might not even be that comfortable, and you're like,
Speaker 1: that's better than I got to go through one hundred resumes. Essentially.
Speaker 2: I had a guy once say to me, you're moody.
Speaker 2: That's why. No, he said, I'm moody. That's why I
Speaker 2: like being with.
Speaker 1: You, because you're not. I wasn't sure, But your job
Speaker 1: is to be sure because you're a therapist.
Speaker 2: Well, I try not to be one when i'm dating.
Speaker 1: Well, how do you shut that off? Because that was
Speaker 1: one of the questions I had, like, because that's intimidating,
Speaker 1: it's seeming to me for somebody going on a day
Speaker 1: with me because they're like, are you asking me questions
Speaker 1: for the great love debate? Or ask questions because you're interested.
Speaker 1: My answer is always a bit of both. Oh wow,
Speaker 1: it's a bit of both.
Speaker 2: Like, so I usually say that if I'm working, I'm
Speaker 2: going to give you a bill, I'm charging you. Oh
Speaker 2: so that's why I that's what helps me to separate it.
Speaker 2: I don't want to. I want to turn off, but
Speaker 2: you can't. The answer is you can't.
Speaker 1: I can't take your brain off.
Speaker 2: Can't turn off what you know? What's like day in
Speaker 2: and day out. I analyze, It's what I.
Speaker 1: Do, but in the moment, it's not doesn't make you
Speaker 1: a better date or either therapist go to therapist.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, no, it doesn't. Definitely doesn't make you a
Speaker 2: better date.
Speaker 1: It might make you worse because you're because you're analyzing
Speaker 1: everything much worse.
Speaker 2: I'm like already thinking about your green tea. And you
Speaker 2: really had a problem when you were wearing a suit
Speaker 2: jacket today.
Speaker 1: That's weird. You would have thought, maybe because we're recording
Speaker 1: South Florida, you would have thought it was more socially
Speaker 1: acceptable for me to sit here with a whiskey than
Speaker 1: a green tea.
Speaker 2: Well, you look more like a whiskey than a green tea.
Speaker 1: Is that a compliment or is that an insult?
Speaker 2: I would say it's a compliment.
Speaker 1: Okay. Some guy came in here the other day. He's like,
Speaker 1: you seem like a cigar bar. Guy. I'm like, I do.
Speaker 1: I don't.
Speaker 2: I can see the cigar and the whiskey.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that means I'm just rumpled dot I don't. Okay,
Speaker 1: I mean to shave more, I suppose. But yeah, so
Speaker 1: you're and then you're like, huh green tea. To me
Speaker 1: that would be like, oh, he's very multi layered. And
Speaker 1: to you you're like, hey, it's kind of a pussy.
Speaker 2: I don't know if I went that far, but it
Speaker 2: was close.
Speaker 1: I think it's good for you. Right. This might even
Speaker 1: be half green, half black and.
Speaker 2: Not stop staring at the green tea.
Speaker 1: Sorry about that.
Speaker 2: No worries.
Speaker 1: So back to to stay or not to stay? Because
Speaker 1: I had a divorce lawyer on this podcast a couple
Speaker 1: months ago. She was great during yafa and I asked her,
Speaker 1: I said, are there too many divorces or not enough?
Speaker 1: And she said there aren't the right ones. And so
Speaker 1: she's like the right people the wrong people are getting divorced.
Speaker 1: That there's a certain amount of people that should be
Speaker 1: able to work through the muck and get through it
Speaker 1: to the other side if they could do just communicate
Speaker 1: or you know, heal. And then there's certain people who
Speaker 1: should be broken up from the third date, and they
Speaker 1: let stuff fly until they're five years into it, and
Speaker 1: maybe a kid in a mortgage and it's too late
Speaker 1: to get out of it and they can't pull the parachute,
Speaker 1: and then they wake up and they're fifty four. You know.
Speaker 2: Well, I guess I would say psychologically speaking that there
Speaker 2: are a little bit of both too much divorce with
Speaker 2: maybe the wrong people and not enough divorce right from people.
Speaker 2: So I definitely think that I both more people certain
Speaker 2: people should be getting divorced. So like here, I have
Speaker 2: a new couple that came in. She cheated for three years,
Speaker 2: she's sober for fifteen years, he's sober for two years.
Speaker 2: He caught her cheating when they first started out dating.
Speaker 2: Then when they got married, she cheated again.
Speaker 1: So was she cheating with the same person for three years?
Speaker 2: Just lots of this, No, the same person for three years,
Speaker 2: the recent one but then this was a new thing
Speaker 2: that I thought was interesting. He said, she may be
Speaker 2: sober because I guess alcohol was her thing like pills
Speaker 2: was his. But she's not emotionally sober.
Speaker 1: I know. That's a question. Would you rather have a
Speaker 1: drunk or cheater? I mean, I suppose, because neither neither's good.
Speaker 1: So when you work with a couple, in the first
Speaker 1: five minutes or the first couple of sessions, you have
Speaker 1: to know like should these two be together or should
Speaker 1: these two not? And you can't give that opinion correct.
Speaker 2: So that's what they all want to know what to do.
Speaker 2: But they don't want to know what to do right
Speaker 2: because you know how many times I've told people, listen,
Speaker 2: this is what I see, this is your history, this
Speaker 2: is the behavior, this is what's going to happen. What
Speaker 2: do you want to do a lot of people don't listen.
Speaker 2: So that's I have a good business.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I know they don't want to listen. They pay you.
Speaker 2: Either way, they don't want to listen.
Speaker 1: But how do you find yourself not taking sides.
Speaker 2: I'm very good at neutral.
Speaker 1: I know, but that's how do you do that because
Speaker 1: you must be like, oh my god, he's such a
Speaker 1: fucking asshole? What is she doing with him? Or vice
Speaker 1: versa and you. I went to a therapist once with
Speaker 1: a girlfriend. I thought she was she I've been twice once.
Speaker 1: I thought that that she definitely liked me the therapist
Speaker 1: and I charmed the shit out of her, and I
Speaker 1: want a lot. And secondly, I went to one that
Speaker 1: had been like, you're on her side, Like clearly I
Speaker 1: felt like they talked before the session. I was super paranoid,
Speaker 1: like I didn't like any of it. You have to
Speaker 1: go in and just hope that this is an honest
Speaker 1: dialogue between three people.
Speaker 2: That's why I did. I do have a lot of
Speaker 2: people that say to me, wow, I really felt that, Like,
Speaker 2: you didn't pick a side. What I do is I
Speaker 2: empathize with both. I look at them as individuals and
Speaker 2: I can empathize. Once you empathize with their story or
Speaker 2: empathize with their side, you don't pick sides. Plus, it's
Speaker 2: not my personal I'm as a psychologist coming in, not
Speaker 2: just a person saying, oh my god, she did that
Speaker 2: or he did so.
Speaker 1: Is empathy or thing in psychology, it's a huge thing.
Speaker 1: See that seems like you're that that involves feeling. Yes,
Speaker 1: but shouldn't you not feel anything? You're just looking at
Speaker 1: the data. You should be a cold ass bitch.
Speaker 2: No, no, who educated, I'm going to the wrong.
Speaker 1: Yeah thoughts, but no, I know your life.
Speaker 2: Yeah that's good.
Speaker 1: She's out of the fringe. Yes, so she's so crazy
Speaker 1: that I can't charm her. I'm like, okay, I good.
Speaker 2: But it's all when you know, a lot of times
Speaker 2: people say, oh my god, did you like him or
Speaker 2: did she like him? Like as a psychologist, there's something
Speaker 2: called transference and countertransference, so it's not necessarily like not
Speaker 2: for everyone though, because there is My Doctor, My Lover.
Speaker 2: If you ever saw that sixty minute episodes, it's very old,
Speaker 2: but it's like obscene because he literally would time the sessions,
Speaker 2: they would have sex, the timer would go off, she
Speaker 2: would pay for the session and then leave. And when
Speaker 2: he went to court, yeah, all these years and opens
Speaker 2: up this whole story it's called My Doctor, My Level.
Speaker 2: I'll never forget I watched in My Doctor.
Speaker 1: Is that illegal or is that just a bad technique?
Speaker 2: It's illegal and he got off with like a slap.
Speaker 1: On the Why is it legal? Illegally? It's just his technique.
Speaker 2: He's it's weird. It's not illegal, it's it's due harm.
Speaker 1: That's a crime. Or it's ethically wrong and you use
Speaker 1: your license, it's illegal.
Speaker 2: Really, yes, it's unethical and illegal.
Speaker 1: And I'm a weird thing. So I might have told
Speaker 1: this on a prior podcast. There was a there was
Speaker 1: a story on the news in Phoenix and this guy
Speaker 1: got arrested because he was going to car washes outdoor
Speaker 1: car washes like self serve, and he was crawling under
Speaker 1: cars and he was looking at people's feet, looking at
Speaker 1: women's feet, and I'm like, why is that a crime.
Speaker 1: He's not touching them, He's fifty feet away. He's just like,
Speaker 1: look at their feet. If he looked at their face,
Speaker 1: nobody would care. If you looked at the hands, nobody
Speaker 1: would care. I think it's because that it's weird. He
Speaker 1: got arrested. Wait, wait, wait, he's just crawling under cars
Speaker 1: and he's staring at women's feet and they arrested him
Speaker 1: for like criminal mischief or something like that. And I'm like,
Speaker 1: why is that a crime?
Speaker 2: I don't know, right, I wanted to let.
Speaker 1: Like he's a freak and a foot fetishist, right, But
Speaker 1: if he was if he was standing in distance and
Speaker 1: he was just looking at your elbow or your face,
Speaker 1: nobody would say anything. But because of his feet and
Speaker 1: people think it's weird, it became a crime.
Speaker 2: I think that's weird.
Speaker 1: I agree with you. So I'm not trying to defend
Speaker 1: the foot fetish, but I'm like, why is that illegal?
Speaker 1: He's not touching anybody, he's not saying anything.
Speaker 2: I don't even think is a foot fetish.
Speaker 1: No, it's not. But they arrested him and he's like,
Speaker 1: it was like fifty thousand dollars bail. I'm like, how serious.
Speaker 1: I wanted to set it like a GoFundMe for a freak.
Speaker 2: I can think of so many more people leading to arrest.
Speaker 1: I agree. We got a lot to talk about here.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get into the nitty gritty. I'm here with
Speaker 1: Jane Lamaski, doctor j She is your mental highness. I
Speaker 1: take a quick break because you have to pay for
Speaker 1: things like what fetishist and therapy. We'll be back right
Speaker 1: after this, and we are back what made you get
Speaker 1: into Like when you're six years old, you don't dream
Speaker 1: of being a therapist.
Speaker 2: No, I dreams of being a ballerina.
Speaker 1: Same you too, no way, and then.
Speaker 2: A vallerina, and then actually a lawyer.
Speaker 1: So how does one get into because that is a
Speaker 1: big leap and it's very specific, and you have to
Speaker 1: feel that you have empathy, like you have to know
Speaker 1: that you have a gift of some kind too, and
Speaker 1: that gift is what curiosity? What is that?
Speaker 2: It's more than that, it's being able to do the
Speaker 2: things we talked about empathize, being neutral. It's like putting
Speaker 2: pieces of a puzzle together and somebody brings you a
Speaker 2: puzzle every single week, and you have to be really
Speaker 2: good at figuring it out and doing it with such
Speaker 2: care and compassion and consideration. I always had that. I
Speaker 2: was always a mediator. There were friends that were always arguing.
Speaker 2: I was always able to fix it. I was always
Speaker 2: able to make all sides feel like they won.
Speaker 1: Right, So how do you get into so with that?
Speaker 2: Oh? So right? So then what happens is I want
Speaker 2: to be a ballerina. My parents promised me. We moved
Speaker 2: to Florida. I'm originally from Brooklyn, New York. We moved
Speaker 2: to Florida. We're going to open you up a dance
Speaker 2: studio and there you go. We get to Florida, and
Speaker 2: my parents said, are you serious? You think we were
Speaker 2: serious that you're not going to go to college.
Speaker 1: Oh no, see I believed I was ready for I
Speaker 1: believe them just and you said, I.
Speaker 2: Believe them too. So I said, okay, go to college.
Speaker 2: Then when I went to college, they were like, well, no,
Speaker 2: you have to do something more. You can't do much
Speaker 2: after college. I said, okay, So I went to law school.
Speaker 2: I took my lsatz. I didn't really prepare, surprisingly because
Speaker 2: I did not think that I would do well. I
Speaker 2: did well enough to get into Nova Law School, which
Speaker 2: I went one day. Why did I go one day?
Speaker 2: Because when I got there, I my skin was not
Speaker 2: thick enough. I ran into people that were really they
Speaker 2: were out, they were cut throat. That was not me.
Speaker 2: I was super nigh, super kind, sweet. I wanted to
Speaker 2: help and heal the world. So I knew I couldn't
Speaker 2: go home and tell my parents that I'm not in school.
Speaker 2: So across the street was nov School of Psychology, and
Speaker 2: I got into the mental health clinical mental health program
Speaker 2: and then I from there, I said, that's all I'm
Speaker 2: a mental health counselor not that that's bad. But I
Speaker 2: thought from law, I'm going to become a doctor. So
Speaker 2: then I went to Miami and I got my doctorate.
Speaker 1: Huh. So most people you start off as like dealing
Speaker 1: with like addiction issues and stuff like that, and then
Speaker 1: you find your niche.
Speaker 2: I actually when I went in addiction, I actually did
Speaker 2: one week. It was called can I say what it's called?
Speaker 1: Course?
Speaker 2: Place called spectrum, like the.
Speaker 1: Fucking addiction I thought you were going to give me
Speaker 1: something like swear.
Speaker 2: It was a fucking addiction clinic. That's why I came
Speaker 2: in and they would First they started with bring me
Speaker 2: a bag of potato chips, So I brought them potato chips.
Speaker 2: Then they say, oh, bring me a candy bar. Brought
Speaker 2: them candy bars. And then do you have any benadriylls.
Speaker 2: I'm like, no, you can't have my pills. And then
Speaker 2: I realized, oh my god, they're lying and using and
Speaker 2: that's not good. No, I'm out of here. I don't
Speaker 2: like it. So I crossed that off the list.
Speaker 1: Cause it's weird to find your niche, Like I always
Speaker 1: find doctors interesting, like why did you choose to be
Speaker 1: an orthopedic? Why did you choose to be a proctologist?
Speaker 1: Why did you pick like that lane and doctor, I
Speaker 1: mean lawyers too. Lawyers pick a lane. They're like, I'm
Speaker 1: going to be personal injury or whatever. Therapy is a
Speaker 1: wide net to cast. Do you decide on what you're
Speaker 1: good at, what you're interested at, what the need is
Speaker 1: in the community.
Speaker 2: For me, it came from dance. So I love dance.
Speaker 2: You know that I wanted to be a dancing therapist,
Speaker 2: which I kind of am if you come into my office.
Speaker 2: But what I did was I went into behavil medicine
Speaker 2: because it's all mind's bodies. So I started out in
Speaker 2: pain management. So funny enough, I didn't want to work
Speaker 2: in addiction. Guess what pain management is very much about addiction.
Speaker 2: That's where you get roxy codones, OxyContin, I mean percosets.
Speaker 2: I mean. I learned so much about addiction and pain management.
Speaker 2: But because of his mind's body, and I learned all
Speaker 2: these tools, biofeedback, connecting the mind, body, meditation, autogenics, that's
Speaker 2: what I started to love. And I did that for
Speaker 2: years until I wanted out. And I wanted out because
Speaker 2: I married one of the pain management doctors. And that's
Speaker 2: probably for another show.
Speaker 1: Yeah that's ethical. Yeah, you can do that I could
Speaker 1: do that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I could definitely do that. And I got to
Speaker 2: meet all the anesthesiologists and doctors, and I could tell
Speaker 2: you a.
Speaker 1: Lot pain pain management, the skill set to deal with
Speaker 1: it probably has some level of not just love addiction,
Speaker 1: but heartbreak. Heartbreak is about pain management, coming back from
Speaker 1: that and realizing you don't need to mask this and
Speaker 1: unraveling it. There's a lot to that, right, and that
Speaker 1: might be the longest lasting, most devastating pain anybody can
Speaker 1: go through is heartbreak, and if you don't heal it,
Speaker 1: it affects every relationship in your life.
Speaker 2: That's what you said. Heartbreak is true pain. People will
Speaker 2: come in and literally to my practice and tell me
Speaker 2: that they're having physical pain, whether it's their head or
Speaker 2: their chest or their stomach. So my background always helps
Speaker 2: because I connect my body stuff with it and that's
Speaker 2: why it's so effective. The types of techniques I use.
Speaker 2: It is not just talking therapy.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: Love is like one of the top things that people
Speaker 2: come in for, like heartbreak. Love it's you know, everyone
Speaker 2: is looking for love, but they don't really know what
Speaker 2: it is. Everyone has an illusion of what love is.
Speaker 1: They haven't defined it well. They just think it's a
Speaker 1: feeling and I'll know when I see it, you.
Speaker 2: Know, and they don't realize there's lust and there's infatuation.
Speaker 2: I mean, and I tell people all the time, love
Speaker 2: is stable, it's secure.
Speaker 1: How do you define it stable?
Speaker 2: Secure? How did I define and secure?
Speaker 1: Isn't boring?
Speaker 2: I used to define it? It's fire.
Speaker 1: How do you know you're in love? I'll give you
Speaker 1: my answer, give me yours. How do you know you're
Speaker 1: in love? Is there is there a tangible?
Speaker 2: Well, there's a difference between in love and loving someone.
Speaker 1: I'll give you my definition, and you could in love
Speaker 1: or love in love? Okay, When there's nothing I'm doing
Speaker 1: that I wouldn't rather be doing with her doesn't mean
Speaker 1: I have to do it with her. It means i'd
Speaker 1: rather That means that her thought, my mind is with
Speaker 1: her no matter what I'm doing. I want to somehow
Speaker 1: share that with her. If I have that feeling, I
Speaker 1: know that not only do I love her, I'm in
Speaker 1: love with her. Now for some people, that's not fireworks
Speaker 1: enough for me, I'm like, if I define it so
Speaker 1: you can find it, does that make sense to you? Yeah?
Speaker 2: Because you know what, it's very good that you said that,
Speaker 2: because for each person it's different.
Speaker 1: I can't really say like I love pizza, I love
Speaker 1: the New York Giants, I love my dog. It's different.
Speaker 2: People love differently and people fall in love differently.
Speaker 1: So I try to define it as like, this is
Speaker 1: a mental and physical feeling that I have, and what
Speaker 1: is that about? And it's just longing, like I want
Speaker 1: to share this moment either I want to physically be
Speaker 1: with me for it, or want to caller and tell
Speaker 1: her about it, or I want her thoughts on it.
Speaker 1: If I have that person, I love her and I'm
Speaker 1: in love with her. That works for me. That doesn't
Speaker 1: work for everybody else.
Speaker 2: So as long as it works for you and it
Speaker 2: works for her, then it works. But what happens is
Speaker 2: sometimes people see that as infatuation or luss.
Speaker 1: Like in it could be I want to get him
Speaker 1: in my life all the time and share him that's true, right.
Speaker 2: Or her like I don't stop thinking about you. When
Speaker 2: when I was married, because I don't want to talk
Speaker 2: about it, but let me talk about it. He would
Speaker 2: call me during my sessions all day long. All day long,
Speaker 2: I'm like, hey, you know, I'm in a session. He'd say, yeah,
Speaker 2: just telling you I love you. I'm like, okay, I
Speaker 2: gotta go. I'm in a session, like not see.
Speaker 1: I would date him.
Speaker 2: I would love that, you would love him.
Speaker 1: There's what is the downside to that?
Speaker 2: It's too much?
Speaker 1: Well, if you're in a session, you're not answering how
Speaker 1: is it too much?
Speaker 2: Because he would call over and over and over until
Speaker 2: I would answer.
Speaker 1: Oh, that's annoying. But I don't think there's any I
Speaker 1: want as many. I'm thinking of you. I love you,
Speaker 1: I miss you as possible. That's maybe that's my neediness,
Speaker 1: but I I can't. You know. I've had people say
Speaker 1: that I don't want to call you're busy. Call me
Speaker 1: if I'm busy, I won't answer, but I want the message,
Speaker 1: and don't call me. You don't not leave fuck a message? Yeah,
Speaker 1: the message? Yeah, because then I'm like, oh shit, then
Speaker 1: you do have to call back. But if you're like, listen,
Speaker 1: you don't need to call me back. I love you good.
Speaker 1: Who doesn't want that? You don't want that?
Speaker 2: No? No, no, no, oh no, I did not say that.
Speaker 2: Let's scratch that for the record. I do want that.
Speaker 2: I think that's amazing. I love that. I think there
Speaker 2: has to be a happy balance. I think there needs
Speaker 2: to be a balance so people don't get, you know,
Speaker 2: too much over and then don't give people a place
Speaker 2: to breathe.
Speaker 1: I want to fucking all.
Speaker 2: Okay, so a session, I know that's probably sure. Come
Speaker 2: to me for one session.
Speaker 1: Please, how go on your podcast showing you a live
Speaker 1: so that people can hear it.
Speaker 2: I would love to do that.
Speaker 1: So you could probably trace that back to Yeah, I
Speaker 1: probably didn't hear I miss you, I love you in
Speaker 1: the Howie House growing up. Probably didn't get that.
Speaker 2: I got that so much.
Speaker 1: I didn't. Oh, that's why it means something.
Speaker 2: You see why we're different.
Speaker 1: I did a podcast a couple months ago. You guys
Speaker 1: can go look it up, and I said that there's
Speaker 1: five things that I need to hear, and the order
Speaker 1: has changed. I need good morning in priority, good morning,
Speaker 1: good night, I love you, I'm sorry, and thank you.
Speaker 1: Those are the five things that mean a lot to me.
Speaker 1: I used to think I love you as the important one.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry became the most important one because that's the
Speaker 1: hardest to say. That is the one that takes the
Speaker 1: other person caring enough about you to admit something was wrong,
Speaker 1: that changed to me over the years. Thank you moved
Speaker 1: up a lot of things, so as I have as
Speaker 1: my needs is changed, or maybe either mature or of
Speaker 1: all or I've gotten worse. What is it? I reevaluate
Speaker 1: that list. But those are the five things that I
Speaker 1: like that are that are doable for anybody, and I.
Speaker 2: Like those things. Actually, those are all very important. I
Speaker 2: agree with that you're super.
Speaker 1: Important thinking of you, I miss you, I care about you,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry I hurt you, and you're important, Like they
Speaker 1: all have a different meaning. And I had to sit
Speaker 1: down and people are like, you overthink this. Yeah, maybe
Speaker 1: good welcome with a great love debank. That's the whole
Speaker 1: point here. We're fucking five hundred shows here. It's good
Speaker 1: that I overthink of it, or you have nothing to
Speaker 1: listen to here. But I remember when that changed in
Speaker 1: my life and I'm and and somebody said I'm sorry
Speaker 1: to me, and I'm like, I can't even tell you
Speaker 1: how much that meant to me because it must have
Speaker 1: been so hard, and I like clung to that apology, you.
Speaker 2: Know, it's psychologically speaking.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's why you're here. I'll give you three hundred.
Speaker 2: Dollars thank you, But psychologically speaking. So that is probably
Speaker 2: for you because it's not for everyone, and those are
Speaker 2: good things. That's because it's part of your love language.
Speaker 1: Words of affirmation.
Speaker 2: There you go.
Speaker 1: But most men have words of affirmation.
Speaker 2: Most women know most men actually have physical they don't.
Speaker 1: That is something that women think. You're wrong, doctor, Do
Speaker 1: you research that. Yes, it's like eighty percent. We need
Speaker 1: the physical touch because we don't ecology journal psychology doesn't
Speaker 1: deal with love languages. It's not their thing. Oh they don't.
Speaker 1: They are aware of them, but they think it was.
Speaker 2: They're a journal of love.
Speaker 1: That's the great love debate. Okay, the reason we need
Speaker 1: the physical touch is because we're not getting the words,
Speaker 1: and if we got the words, we wouldn't be groping
Speaker 1: at you as much. We can understand physical touch. If
Speaker 1: you're touching us, you must not you must like us.
Speaker 1: If you gave us the words which mean more. You
Speaker 1: go ask ten men right now, I.
Speaker 2: Can it's my office. How come the.
Speaker 1: Guys you're dealing with broken men. That's a different pool.
Speaker 1: Go to the mall. What's the mall here?
Speaker 2: We're all broken?
Speaker 1: Yeah, we're all special needs children. You go to the
Speaker 1: town center mall. Here and ask one hundred men, what
Speaker 1: is your lum languages? Ninety percent won't know any of them,
Speaker 1: but if you lay them all out, eighty percent will say,
Speaker 1: where's the reformation?
Speaker 2: Okay? Can I do that?
Speaker 1: Women need physical touch more than men?
Speaker 2: Can? We have like a thing here?
Speaker 1: You act like I haven't done this.
Speaker 2: I do not. I did not know you've done so much,
Speaker 2: but I would love to find out my scene.
Speaker 1: I think I'm just throwing darts here.
Speaker 2: And I feel like the dart board.
Speaker 1: No, we know shit here. We've heard from the men.
Speaker 1: They want the words. The women will give the touch
Speaker 1: long more long before, and far less more frequently than
Speaker 1: they will give the words. We don't get the pat
Speaker 1: on the nose, We get the smack on the nose.
Speaker 2: So you're saying that because broken people come to me,
Speaker 2: the regular guys out there that don't know that they're broken,
Speaker 2: but they're not in therapy, they want.
Speaker 1: Well, they're not coming to you saying I need physical touch.
Speaker 1: That's because they're coming and saying my wife doesn't love
Speaker 1: me and she's not banging me anymore. Like that's what
Speaker 1: they're coming. They're not coming to you and say, hey,
Speaker 1: I need to touch women.
Speaker 2: So what you're saying especially, I want to add this
Speaker 2: into my practice. So men charge you, I want to
Speaker 2: make sure I will pay you back the threat if
Speaker 2: you are right. So what you're saying is men want
Speaker 2: the words of affirmation, yes, over the physical touch.
Speaker 1: It's not even close. And if they get the words
Speaker 1: they need. For example, on a first date, he's making moves,
Speaker 1: he's he's because we think you think we're.
Speaker 2: Gross, and that's not true, don't I know.
Speaker 1: But the only way that we know that you you
Speaker 1: might say like thank you or this fun. We're not
Speaker 1: getting a whole lot back from you on dates. We're
Speaker 1: complimenting you. We're trying to make it. We're doing a
Speaker 1: lot of the work here. And if you make out
Speaker 1: with us, oh, she must like me. If you said, listen,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to do anything until I'm comfortable. But
Speaker 1: once I'm comfortable, it'll blow your mind. He'll calm the
Speaker 1: fuck down. Those are words of effort.
Speaker 2: I agree with that.
Speaker 1: Right. That means I think that you are desirable. I
Speaker 1: want to get comfortable with you. I like spending time
Speaker 1: with you. You didn't care about the touch after that, you'd
Speaker 1: rather have that.
Speaker 2: So are you saying that women dating women do not
Speaker 2: communicate enough.
Speaker 1: That's it. Yeah, no doubt. I'm like, he didn't ask
Speaker 1: me out again. I'm like, did you tell you want
Speaker 1: to go out again? She's like, I said, thank you.
Speaker 1: I'm like to say I'd like to do it again.
Speaker 1: She's like, he can tell, you'll fucking tell. There's no idea.
Speaker 2: I have a really good example, and maybe I can.
Speaker 2: We'll switch hats for a minute because I'm okay. And
Speaker 2: like I say, when I go on date, doctor Howie,
Speaker 2: doctor Howie in the house, because doctor Jane needs a
Speaker 2: little help here. So when on a date, had a
Speaker 2: really nice time, went to the restaurant, good banter, good conversation,
Speaker 2: date is over? Can I drive you home? Because I
Speaker 2: ubered there. I said, yes, you can definitely drives me home.
Speaker 2: He said at a really good time. I said, so
Speaker 2: did I. He's like, great, we should do this again.
Speaker 2: I said, yeah, I'd love to. And now he's going back.
Speaker 2: He's all the way in Miami and we're here in Bocas.
Speaker 2: So I said, you know what, let me help you
Speaker 2: pull out your Google Maps. I'll put in your address
Speaker 2: and show you. Because the guy doesn't really know technology,
Speaker 2: is fun. Oh, okay, great, I said, okay, thanks again.
Speaker 2: I said it was really great and fun, and he said, okay, wonderful.
Speaker 2: I said, safe drive home? Did I say safe drive?
Speaker 1: No?
Speaker 2: Maybe I didn't say safe drives home? But it was
Speaker 2: really fun and great. I go home. We talk after
Speaker 2: a couple of times, texting because people text all the time.
Speaker 2: And then after the texting, he says, would you like
Speaker 2: to go out on the boat on Sunday? I said,
Speaker 2: sounds great. Sunday comes, I don't hear from him. I
Speaker 2: don't text him, he doesn't text me. A few days later,
Speaker 2: I decide, okay, I wish you lots of luck in
Speaker 2: your search, and he says, wait, wait, wait, what are
Speaker 2: you talking about. I didn't think you liked me. Yeah,
Speaker 2: and okay, but now I'm going to tell you what.
Speaker 2: So what? This is where the women are frustrated. Okay,
Speaker 2: so I'm a psychologist, but I am a woman in here.
Speaker 1: Did he kiss you in the car? Uh?
Speaker 2: Yes? We kissed?
Speaker 1: Okay, Yes, this was it.
Speaker 2: You're ready because I'm going to tell you what he said.
Speaker 1: Huh?
Speaker 2: He said, usually women say text me when you get.
Speaker 1: Home, and you didn't say that. No, nor shit that's
Speaker 1: what men say. I don't know if women say.
Speaker 2: That's what he said, thank you. So there are exceptions
Speaker 2: to the rule.
Speaker 1: Totally right. You might have done everything right and he
Speaker 1: might have though felt unworthy. Maybe he found somebody by Sunday.
Speaker 1: I don't know, but he might not have. He might
Speaker 1: have been like, she does like me, she's great. I
Speaker 1: can't handle this in a moment like there's a chance
Speaker 1: where you really did everything right. I think that's the
Speaker 1: outlier generally speaking. So the minute, you know, the minute
Speaker 1: that I would have picked up that you like me
Speaker 1: when you said I could drive you home, thank you,
Speaker 1: that is a big deal.
Speaker 2: I thought that I did a lot of things to
Speaker 2: shew them. And then after this banter back and forth,
Speaker 2: and you know, you also didn't say, like drive safely.
Speaker 2: Yeah that's why said I said. But I said I
Speaker 2: had a great time. I liked it. Let's do it again.
Speaker 1: I wouldn't even get on the boat with this guy
Speaker 1: fuck him.
Speaker 2: Yeah No, I didn't, and I'm not and I'm not
Speaker 2: going to give it. I'm definitely not giving him on
Speaker 2: the date. But the point is, there's so much psychology
Speaker 2: in everyone when they're dealing there's so much game playing,
Speaker 2: there so much worry community.
Speaker 1: I agree with you on that that is an exception.
Speaker 1: You did everything right.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: Did you say you want to come in for a bourbon?
Speaker 2: I'll take a green tea exactly all right.
Speaker 1: In the interest of time, I'm gonna let you talk
Speaker 1: about your mental highness in a second. We play something
Speaker 1: called worst date or first date, which means you have
Speaker 1: to either give us the worst date you've ever been
Speaker 1: on that was bad, but it's not the worst or
Speaker 1: the greatest first date you've ever been on, your choice.
Speaker 2: Okay, Wow, so many worst date or for state. Okay,
Speaker 2: I will do the best date. I'm gonna do worst dates. Okay,
Speaker 2: but they're they're in competition, so no problem for you
Speaker 2: guys out there that know me. You may have been
Speaker 2: the worst, but I'm not. Okay, So worst date okay.
Speaker 2: Nice guy lives actually in Boca. Uh picks Did he
Speaker 2: pick me up? Yes, he actually picks me up.
Speaker 1: Good for you.
Speaker 2: He picks me up in the car and when he
Speaker 2: picks me up, he has his Pomeranian sitting in the
Speaker 2: front seat. Oh, we're going for dinner dressed up? I said,
Speaker 2: Oh I think it was. Yes, it was a Paris
Speaker 2: Hilton type, right, So I said, okay, I said, so,
Speaker 2: I guess we'll go to a place that you know
Speaker 2: has dogs. No, no, no, this is a service dog. Okay, sure,
Speaker 2: because I just want to make sure because I know
Speaker 2: I like emotional support evaluations, but I don't do service evaluations.
Speaker 2: You have to go proper training. No, no, no service dog. Okay.
Speaker 2: So now he puts this little vest on the dog
Speaker 2: that says service animal. We go to where was it. It
Speaker 2: was somewhere in Fort Lauderdale. I think it was callous actually,
Speaker 2: and we walk in with the dog and they say, no,
Speaker 2: you can't have the dog. I said, oh my gosh, okay,
Speaker 2: so you I said, what if we sit outside? No,
Speaker 2: you can't sit outside. So the guy starts sweating, literally
Speaker 2: like sweating, and his eyes teared up, and I thought
Speaker 2: to myself, is he kidding?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 2: No, he was like crying. Okay. Anyway, he called his
Speaker 2: mother to pick up the dog. His mom came to
Speaker 2: calloose to get the dog. I'm already turned off. I
Speaker 2: want to leave. I do not want to be with
Speaker 2: this guy. But I'm nice, and I said, okay, his
Speaker 2: mom gets the dog. Met the mom takes the dog, leaves,
Speaker 2: comes back. He is sitting there. There's a guy that
Speaker 2: comes in, I kid you not, and he has there's
Speaker 2: a guy in the restaurant who's eating there and he
Speaker 2: has a seeing eye dog. Okay, this is so weird.
Speaker 2: You just made me think about it. And the dog
Speaker 2: is in the restaurant. My date goes ballistic. I want
Speaker 2: a manager. I don't understand.
Speaker 1: Yeah, like a legit service dog.
Speaker 2: Like a legit service dog. The guy's blinds, you can
Speaker 2: laugh a dog. He goes ballistic nuts. I don't know
Speaker 2: how I stayed. They calm him down. We go outside
Speaker 2: to eat. He has a drink and the guy and
Speaker 2: I'm sure you've heard this before. I did not know.
Speaker 2: He has one drink, another drink, another drink, another drink.
Speaker 2: Mind you fast forward. I take the keys and I
Speaker 2: have to drive him home and then uber myself home
Speaker 2: during it.
Speaker 1: Green tea guys, not so bad now, it's at it.
Speaker 2: All, forget the bourbon, bad at all. That was definitely
Speaker 2: one of my worst dates. When I as we were
Speaker 2: driving home and I thought he was just like smash.
Speaker 2: He started doing baby talk, like literally like a child.
Speaker 2: He's like if you were in my mommy, I said, oh,
Speaker 2: I will your mommy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he happens
Speaker 2: to be a very affluent guy in the community. In
Speaker 2: this community, I want to get a name, yes, yes,
Speaker 2: And he's a professional and he owns many different things,
Speaker 2: and oh my gosh, I can't believe this is how
Speaker 2: he is. So I know a lot of people.
Speaker 1: Are not really.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was a really really really abstract.
Speaker 1: All right, tell people about your Mental Highness.
Speaker 2: Okay, So I just started podcast Your Mental Highness, and
Speaker 2: it is about psychology and psychopathology and mental health. And
Speaker 2: I use a lot of humor and I give you
Speaker 2: a lot of tools and techniques, and I like to
Speaker 2: empower people and motivate them, so that's part of it.
Speaker 2: And humor is a huge part of it because people
Speaker 2: don't laugh enough. And in my business it's all depression
Speaker 2: and anxiety and anger. So you got to use humor.
Speaker 1: Good for you. And I've seen you in a tiara.
Speaker 1: It's just daywhares, right.
Speaker 2: So I have different crowns. Since friends of mine and
Speaker 2: family know that I'm doing Your Mental Highness, I have
Speaker 2: a bunch of different crowns.
Speaker 1: So every girl needs a crown.
Speaker 2: I needed to connect with you to see what crown
Speaker 2: you needed. So now I'm going to provide you with
Speaker 2: a crown when I have you on my show.
Speaker 1: Deal see friend or funk. This wasn't so bad? Right?
Speaker 2: Better?
Speaker 1: Thank God? Trying to please my therapist here. You were
Speaker 1: good as far as us and your mental highness. Like share, follow,
Speaker 1: Please review this podcast you reviews me in a lot
Speaker 1: any podcasting ecosystem uh shoots an email Great Loove Debate
Speaker 1: at gmail dot com if you've got questions thoughts for
Speaker 1: doctor j Me or anything else, because as always, thank
Speaker 1: you doctor Jay at The Great Love Debate. We never
Speaker 1: stopped making love. See you next time. The Great Love Debate.
Speaker 1: It's the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debates.
Speaker 2: It's a great love to be