WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:06.599 Thursday Night Trivia has been our anchor from the very start. 2 00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:09.439 The bar is glowy and familiar. Magan and Sarah are 3 00:00:09.439 --> 00:00:11.720 deep into the wine and arguing playfully about how many 4 00:00:11.759 --> 00:00:13.640 squares are on a chessboard. But I feel like a 5 00:00:13.640 --> 00:00:16.199 placeholder at the corner of this table, the kind of 6 00:00:16.239 --> 00:00:20.039 person holding someone else's chair. Daniel's glass pint of IPA 7 00:00:20.120 --> 00:00:22.120 with the little itched logo he likes. He always orders 8 00:00:22.160 --> 00:00:24.519 the least flush. He sits in touch beside mine, sweating 9 00:00:24.519 --> 00:00:27.320 over a coaster. I keep glancing at it, even though 10 00:00:27.320 --> 00:00:30.280 I know he's not coming. His text had common now before, 11 00:00:30.440 --> 00:00:32.159 right as I was lining up for the bus. Can't 12 00:00:32.159 --> 00:00:36.079 make it slanted at work again? Sorry, Liss, smash a 13 00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:39.079 round for me. The word sound hurried even in my mind. 14 00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:43.479 Megan leans over, nudges my elbow. Hey, don't go soft 15 00:00:43.479 --> 00:00:45.920 on us, Lisa. We need you locked in. Daniel, abandoning 16 00:00:46.000 --> 00:00:48.359 us means you're a ringer, right, I laugh a bit 17 00:00:48.399 --> 00:00:53.079 too quickly. He's not abandoning anything. He's just exhausted. Seriously, 18 00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:55.079 they are grinding him into us this quarter. I think 19 00:00:55.119 --> 00:00:57.479 he's almost sleeping at his desk, which isn't fair. But 20 00:00:57.520 --> 00:01:00.880 honestly kind of impressive. Sarah gives me a skeptical little 21 00:01:00.880 --> 00:01:03.759 ibrow raise. He used to drag us all here, even 22 00:01:03.799 --> 00:01:06.200 on his worst weeks. Remember last spraying with the book 23 00:01:06.239 --> 00:01:08.439 he caught at the design conference. Thought he'd infect half 24 00:01:08.480 --> 00:01:10.719 the barb, but wouldn't let us up without him. I 25 00:01:10.760 --> 00:01:13.359 smile at the memory Downhill, hunched in a hoodie, muttering 26 00:01:13.400 --> 00:01:16.400 city capitals with fever flushed cheeks while avoiding Sarah's eyes. 27 00:01:17.159 --> 00:01:19.719 Here while promotion hit him like a truck. I'd be 28 00:01:19.760 --> 00:01:24.439 obliterated personally. She shrugs. It's your relationship, Lisa, but if 29 00:01:24.439 --> 00:01:27.760 you start baling, we're toast. The trivia host is warming 30 00:01:27.840 --> 00:01:31.079 up the mic. All right, wordos and wizards, first category, 31 00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:34.519 famous movie flops. Everyone at our table leans in, but 32 00:01:34.599 --> 00:01:38.560 my attention's deluted. I'm half here, half in Daniel's empty space, 33 00:01:38.680 --> 00:01:40.680 trying to ignore how this is our third Thursday in 34 00:01:40.719 --> 00:01:42.719 a row with a missing chair and a flat apology. 35 00:01:43.280 --> 00:01:45.799 I tell myself, real life, grown up jobs, This is 36 00:01:45.840 --> 00:01:49.120 how people miss things. Sometimes you'll show next week. It 37 00:01:49.159 --> 00:01:52.280 won't even register as a blip in a few months. Still, 38 00:01:52.400 --> 00:01:54.640 I find myself glancing at the sticky door every time 39 00:01:54.640 --> 00:01:57.280 it swings. Why I want to see him striding in, 40 00:01:57.400 --> 00:02:00.519 eyes tired, begrinning, to apologize him for being late, weaving 41 00:02:00.519 --> 00:02:04.319 through the regulars to stand beside me. It's ridiculous. I 42 00:02:04.400 --> 00:02:06.920 try harder to tune into the room, making shouting about 43 00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:10.599 Kevin Costner, wine glasses chattering. I laugh at the right moments. 44 00:02:11.280 --> 00:02:13.719 I make myself due the rounds for tea morral, reciting 45 00:02:13.719 --> 00:02:16.319 trivia facts like a muscle memory. The night ends with 46 00:02:16.400 --> 00:02:18.919 us loosening to our rival table again, and when I 47 00:02:19.000 --> 00:02:21.719 walk out, phone heavy in my hand, Daniel's last text 48 00:02:21.719 --> 00:02:24.319 is still un answered, blinking quietly in the lock's green glow. 49 00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:27.360 I promise myself not to care so much about trivia, 50 00:02:27.400 --> 00:02:29.960 about schedules and ritual, about which knights are for whom. 51 00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:32.520 Then I go home and arrange his glass beside mine 52 00:02:32.520 --> 00:02:35.680 in the drawing rack, two parallel shapes, waiting for whatever 53 00:02:35.719 --> 00:02:38.680 happens next. There's a kind of choreography to the way 54 00:02:38.680 --> 00:02:40.840 we always used to prep for trivia. Back before all 55 00:02:40.879 --> 00:02:43.719 that's kicked off, I wander from room to room, hare 56 00:02:43.759 --> 00:02:46.280 still away from the shower, calling out capitals as Daniels 57 00:02:46.319 --> 00:02:48.719 ipped up his favorite bluehrdie, teasing me for blanking on 58 00:02:48.759 --> 00:02:51.800 the Caribbean. He'd wave his phone. You schedule the Eyuber, 59 00:02:51.919 --> 00:02:54.039 I'll order the first round and don't ye dare Google 60 00:02:54.039 --> 00:02:56.719 on the way, that's cheating. He'd update our Goggle calend 61 00:02:56.759 --> 00:02:59.080 over the little wine glass Emojia's share joke like the 62 00:02:59.120 --> 00:03:01.960 lock to the night. Our friends always laughed, said we 63 00:03:01.960 --> 00:03:03.919 were like a married couple years ahead of scheduled, that 64 00:03:04.039 --> 00:03:06.680 Richels liked trivia night only work if you both got them, 65 00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:09.360 I'd beam, hiding the fleck of worry that a friellance 66 00:03:09.400 --> 00:03:12.960 had never really kept house, at least not the traditional ones. Dinel, 67 00:03:13.000 --> 00:03:15.080 always the one with morning meetings, had a way of 68 00:03:15.080 --> 00:03:18.080 making his seventy hour weeks seem like destiny. There was 69 00:03:18.120 --> 00:03:21.879 a steadiness to us, people said, mutual friends erin Marcus 70 00:03:21.960 --> 00:03:24.479 dandless corps we'd built, admired at our team psychical link. 71 00:03:25.039 --> 00:03:27.520 They meant how we drifted perfectly together through parties or 72 00:03:27.560 --> 00:03:30.319 long walks, guessing each other's answers. But to me it 73 00:03:30.400 --> 00:03:33.639 meant more intrusive things. How I almost always forgave Daniel's 74 00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:36.439 late arrivals, how he always always walked me home the 75 00:03:36.520 --> 00:03:38.719 first sight the cross walked by the park and clutching 76 00:03:38.759 --> 00:03:41.840 an umbrella even though it wasn't raining. This is a checkpoint, 77 00:03:42.039 --> 00:03:46.120 he'd said, serious and shy, first of many. Right, we 78 00:03:46.199 --> 00:03:49.240 may promises here and their little ones to keep trivia. 79 00:03:49.319 --> 00:03:52.159 Night's sakre because anchor points keep you saying to eat 80 00:03:52.240 --> 00:03:54.599 lunch on the balcony once a week, regardless of workload, 81 00:03:55.159 --> 00:03:56.879 to check in every night, even if it was just 82 00:03:56.879 --> 00:03:59.919 a mem or a grocery liss our system worked. I 83 00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:04.000 handled mutability. Daniel coffs certainty into things. There were cracks 84 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:06.719 sometimes when I lost a client, and Daniel would side 85 00:04:06.719 --> 00:04:09.080 and half joke about envying my freedom sort of, but 86 00:04:09.120 --> 00:04:11.840 it never felt damn. But when at envy, how passionate 87 00:04:11.840 --> 00:04:14.240 he could get about blueprints, specific buildings that I never 88 00:04:14.319 --> 00:04:17.920 really understood. Next chapters coming for us, he swore three 89 00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:19.720 months after his promotion, and all of this is the 90 00:04:19.800 --> 00:04:22.519 ramp to something better. He could be prickly about what stuff, 91 00:04:22.600 --> 00:04:25.160 rolling his eyes at my endless coffee stopped because he 92 00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:28.319 missed deadlines he set for himself. I could be defensive, 93 00:04:28.439 --> 00:04:31.160 needling him about not answering texts, then softening because he 94 00:04:31.240 --> 00:04:33.639 meant well. There was a symmetry to it even in 95 00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:37.040 the unspoken. He shouldered ambition a provided oxygen. Our fights 96 00:04:37.040 --> 00:04:39.959 won't fight small like collisions of weather. I looked back 97 00:04:40.000 --> 00:04:42.680 for warning signs of shifting of tectonic plates, but memory 98 00:04:42.839 --> 00:04:46.240 is always smooed by comfort and inside jokes. Daniel at 99 00:04:46.240 --> 00:04:50.000 his drafting table, sketching out trivia categories, insisting will win 100 00:04:50.079 --> 00:04:52.240 this year. You'll see because we actually love each other 101 00:04:52.279 --> 00:04:54.920 more than any one else here. The line made me laugh, 102 00:04:55.000 --> 00:04:58.399 but it stayed with me because I believed it, Because 103 00:04:58.480 --> 00:05:01.519 anchored meant anchor. Even when they current cut raff, I 104 00:05:01.600 --> 00:05:04.079 used to imagine a future or future built on these rituals, 105 00:05:04.079 --> 00:05:07.040 the trivier trophies, the balcony brunches, the scaffolding of tiny 106 00:05:07.040 --> 00:05:10.319 shared decisions. Maybe that sounds naive, but it's what made 107 00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:13.800 everything before this feel possible. The thing about working freelances, 108 00:05:13.879 --> 00:05:15.839 you don't have those door slamming returns at the end 109 00:05:15.879 --> 00:05:18.399 of the day. Some nights, I'm still at my laptop 110 00:05:18.439 --> 00:05:20.839 at eleven, hunched over a logo design baited in the 111 00:05:20.839 --> 00:05:24.160 blueglow while the city outside hushes down. Dinol's late night 112 00:05:24.160 --> 00:05:26.639 texts were routine, but lately I noticed they had a 113 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:29.560 different click to them on a Wednesday with the apartment 114 00:05:29.600 --> 00:05:32.040 actually smells like lemon, appalls for a brick. Scroll through 115 00:05:32.079 --> 00:05:36.800 Dinolds Instagram. Not because I don't trust him, just curiosity, boredom, 116 00:05:36.839 --> 00:05:40.480 that casual girlfriend impulse, and there it is. No Goofy 117 00:05:40.519 --> 00:05:44.600 offers selfies for three weeks, No shots of blueprints, group lunches, 118 00:05:45.000 --> 00:05:47.600 not even a sarcastic shot of the snack table. For 119 00:05:47.680 --> 00:05:50.160 a man who once declared social medium. My ownly viz 120 00:05:50.360 --> 00:05:54.000 it stands out Later he calls, later than usual. His 121 00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:58.319 voice sounds gravely tired. Weres coming out under water, Hayles, 122 00:05:58.319 --> 00:05:59.800 do you mind if I bail on Triviaca in this? 123 00:06:00.279 --> 00:06:02.560 It's just this new project is an absolute bear, and 124 00:06:02.600 --> 00:06:05.040 I've got another two weeks minimum then things'll breathe. I 125 00:06:05.079 --> 00:06:07.879 hate it more than you do, I promise this genuine 126 00:06:07.879 --> 00:06:11.439 exhaustion in his tone, I'm about to say, sure, no problem, 127 00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:14.639 will keep the throne warm. Instead it comes out teasing. 128 00:06:14.759 --> 00:06:16.560 The team's going to write you off as a trader, 129 00:06:16.639 --> 00:06:20.279 you know, he laughs, But it's thin. Okay, Well, expect 130 00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:22.680 a full Trivia de brief. All right, I'll raid the 131 00:06:22.680 --> 00:06:25.720 snafft table in solidarity at work when I hang up. 132 00:06:25.720 --> 00:06:28.920 The city feels noisier. I'm annoyed with myself for noticing, 133 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:32.240 for carrying, for rehearsing explanations in my head, for Daniel's absence, 134 00:06:32.279 --> 00:06:35.000 as if I'm the one being tested. Brunch that weekend 135 00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:37.199 is at our usual bestro all of us crowded around 136 00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:39.480 tiny tables under the leafy awning, and Eron is waving. 137 00:06:39.519 --> 00:06:42.279 I'm a most dangerously close to my phone. She's known 138 00:06:42.319 --> 00:06:45.160 both of us since college, watched our progression from uncertain 139 00:06:45.199 --> 00:06:48.199 friends to certain couple. She looks at me fors bright. 140 00:06:48.920 --> 00:06:51.120 I almost texted you the other night, Lisa. I ran 141 00:06:51.199 --> 00:06:53.879 into Daniel at levee. It was trivia night, wasn't it. 142 00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:58.720 My Fort Pau's is halfway to my omelet Levy. Daniel, yeah, 143 00:06:58.920 --> 00:07:01.000 with some blonde I didn't want to interrupt. It looked 144 00:07:01.079 --> 00:07:03.079 like a serious work thing. He look good, though, wand 145 00:07:03.160 --> 00:07:05.279 up but good. Maybe it was kind musing. He and 146 00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:08.959 the girls seem deep in conversation. She refills her glass, oblivious. 147 00:07:09.600 --> 00:07:13.319 I shake off the chill. Daniel never mentioned this. There's 148 00:07:13.360 --> 00:07:16.240 probably some explanation. Drinks with project partners, or maybe a 149 00:07:16.319 --> 00:07:19.319 quick sponsor meeting. I laugh along with the group. Dismiss 150 00:07:19.360 --> 00:07:22.480 it with a wave. But when the check comes gilt pricks. 151 00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:24.759 Why does it matter which Barry goes to you or 152 00:07:24.800 --> 00:07:28.000 with whom adults can have worked drinks even on truvia nights. 153 00:07:28.720 --> 00:07:31.519 It's not a crime. Still back at the apartment, I 154 00:07:31.560 --> 00:07:33.879 remember how easily my smile snapped into place when Aaron 155 00:07:33.959 --> 00:07:36.800 mentioned the blonde. That Daniel never said a thing, not 156 00:07:36.920 --> 00:07:39.560 even as a faraway. Later that night, I make a 157 00:07:39.560 --> 00:07:41.399 mental note to bring it up lightly when things are 158 00:07:41.480 --> 00:07:45.000 less frantic. There's always an explanation if you value someone right. 159 00:07:45.680 --> 00:07:48.160 I brush my teeth at that thought, blink myself to sleep. 160 00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:52.279 Pattens reveal themselves in sideways glances. I start to see 161 00:07:52.279 --> 00:07:55.120 a new Daniel, one given to trailing answers and half smiles. 162 00:07:55.720 --> 00:07:58.439 Over dinner Tuesday delivery again, because neither of us can 163 00:07:58.480 --> 00:08:01.480 be bothered. He answers questions in single syllables, never fully 164 00:08:01.519 --> 00:08:04.279 looking up from his phone. I mentioned landing a small 165 00:08:04.360 --> 00:08:07.560 rebranding gig. He says, nist and swipes away, already out 166 00:08:07.560 --> 00:08:10.800 of the conversation. The change is in nuclear. It's molecular. 167 00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:13.680 We used to trade winds and fails every night, make 168 00:08:13.720 --> 00:08:16.879 fun of each other's worse clients and worst bosses. Now, 169 00:08:16.920 --> 00:08:19.920 if I mention a new project, he nods absently, that's 170 00:08:20.000 --> 00:08:22.560 really great. Lace, but its background noise to whatever is 171 00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:25.360 happening on his side of the screen. Colls to's office 172 00:08:25.399 --> 00:08:28.600 numberg and answered to voicemail, laughter, voicemail, no quick call back. 173 00:08:29.399 --> 00:08:33.320 He takets swamp call later, and sometimes he does most nights, 174 00:08:33.320 --> 00:08:35.200 though he says he's at the office till after midnight, 175 00:08:35.240 --> 00:08:37.519 by which point I'm asleep, laptop closed over some half 176 00:08:37.559 --> 00:08:41.200 finished proposal. Our shared Google calendar starts to tip weirdly 177 00:08:41.200 --> 00:08:44.000 in his direction. Where he used to block meetings so 178 00:08:44.039 --> 00:08:45.840 I'd know when to schedule a snacks or runs or 179 00:08:45.919 --> 00:08:48.320 date nights, there are now hazy blocks labeled late meeting, 180 00:08:48.480 --> 00:08:51.919 a project, catchup, or sight walk. There are less specific 181 00:08:51.960 --> 00:08:55.399 than before. It doesn't feel like detail so much as camouflage. 182 00:08:55.840 --> 00:08:59.120 I'm not the sort who tracks anyone's calendar obsessively autonomy 183 00:08:59.120 --> 00:09:00.679 it our thing, But the third late meeting on a 184 00:09:00.679 --> 00:09:03.320 Thursday catches my eye. I click to see if any 185 00:09:03.360 --> 00:09:06.559 comments or invites are visible. Internal is all it says, 186 00:09:07.320 --> 00:09:10.519 no details. I close the browser and tell myself it's 187 00:09:10.559 --> 00:09:13.399 none of my business. Except its sort of is when 188 00:09:13.440 --> 00:09:16.360 those nights used to be for us. Daniel's gotten less 189 00:09:16.360 --> 00:09:19.799 generous with the explanations too. At first, if he was late, 190 00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:22.240 he text if Onimeme or a picture of the construction site, 191 00:09:22.279 --> 00:09:25.000 guys in hard hats mugging for the camera. Now it's 192 00:09:25.120 --> 00:09:28.120 just sorry late again. Wish I could join. I tell 193 00:09:28.120 --> 00:09:30.120 myself it's to nature of the beast. Big promotions come 194 00:09:30.159 --> 00:09:33.559 with big sacrifices. I'd only really notice the charges because 195 00:09:33.600 --> 00:09:35.879 money's been tied over the past couple months. My freelance 196 00:09:35.919 --> 00:09:38.799 gake's dip and we'd agree to monitor spending. I pull 197 00:09:38.879 --> 00:09:40.600 up our joint banking app to double check if my 198 00:09:40.639 --> 00:09:44.000 latest client paid. The little stack of transactions runs the 199 00:09:44.080 --> 00:09:47.399 usual groceries, rent coffee, a single Britique's bloge marked me. 200 00:09:48.039 --> 00:09:50.440 Then two charges catch my eye, only a week apart. 201 00:09:50.519 --> 00:09:54.639 Levey forty eight dollars and again sixty one dollars. Both 202 00:09:54.679 --> 00:09:58.799 fall on Thursday nights. Both not insignificant, especially if Daniel's 203 00:09:58.799 --> 00:10:01.120 been at the office. It takes me a whole two 204 00:10:01.120 --> 00:10:03.519 hours to talk myself out of bringing it up. He's 205 00:10:03.559 --> 00:10:06.440 probably just covering a tab for work. I reason may 206 00:10:06.480 --> 00:10:08.519 be meeting a client and picking up food for two 207 00:10:08.519 --> 00:10:11.360 desks wor the people. These things pile up at his level. 208 00:10:12.000 --> 00:10:14.240 I go to bed practicing how not to sound suspicious 209 00:10:14.279 --> 00:10:18.120 about forty odd bucks. Our date nights become increasingly conceptual. 210 00:10:19.000 --> 00:10:21.360 I try to schedule a movie a comedy club. Daniel's 211 00:10:21.360 --> 00:10:23.279 already washed up by whatever project is him in a 212 00:10:23.360 --> 00:10:26.279 choke hold. When he does get home early, he spends 213 00:10:26.279 --> 00:10:29.159 most of the time flipping through endless slack notifications or 214 00:10:29.159 --> 00:10:31.399 calling Mom to check in, or stirring just past me 215 00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:34.480 as if were calculating some invisible equation. A week later, 216 00:10:34.720 --> 00:10:37.879 Ern throws a dinner at her place. Daniel comes, but 217 00:10:37.960 --> 00:10:40.279 he's stiff, more like a guest than a partner. The 218 00:10:40.360 --> 00:10:43.159 conversations loop around him, but he interjects only to drop 219 00:10:43.200 --> 00:10:45.960 linds about market volatility and the pain of managing up 220 00:10:46.480 --> 00:10:48.679 All friends joke and prod trying to poke him back 221 00:10:48.679 --> 00:10:52.120 into his old self. He deflects, makes a joke about stress, 222 00:10:52.120 --> 00:10:55.080 aging him them with FROs into the kitchen. Later, when 223 00:10:55.120 --> 00:10:57.240 I ask if he's okay, he just says, it's all 224 00:10:57.279 --> 00:10:59.960 a lotless. Sorry if I killed the mood. I find 225 00:11:00.159 --> 00:11:03.039 myself collating evidence I don't want the trich in his smile, 226 00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:05.039 the way his phone sits screened down by his plate, 227 00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:07.000 the way he hugs me like a formality when we 228 00:11:07.080 --> 00:11:10.639 leave one night, feeling a touch melodramatic, but also desperate 229 00:11:10.639 --> 00:11:13.360 for reassurance. I raise Levy with Erin that night you 230 00:11:13.399 --> 00:11:15.320 saw Daniel at the wine barri. You're sure it was work. 231 00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:18.080 Couldn't have been a neighborer. I sneak the question in 232 00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:21.320 between stories, during my best impression of Cavil. She waves 233 00:11:21.320 --> 00:11:25.080 it off, smiling serenely. Honestly, Probably just a client, Lisa, 234 00:11:25.120 --> 00:11:27.679 He's always got those. Don't stress, okay. He and the 235 00:11:27.679 --> 00:11:29.720 goir were deep in laptop land. You know Daniel, he 236 00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:31.919 flirts with work harder than he flirts with anyone else. 237 00:11:32.559 --> 00:11:35.120 The joke lands flat, but she doesn't seem to notice. 238 00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:37.840 Later that evening, with the weight of her easy aunt 239 00:11:37.919 --> 00:11:40.080 to hanging heavy, I realize how quickly I want to 240 00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:42.440 believe her, How baddy I want this altar resolve into nothing. 241 00:11:43.320 --> 00:11:45.440 I tried Daniel again the next day. Was there a 242 00:11:45.440 --> 00:11:47.919 new project manager at Levey last week? Eron thought she 243 00:11:47.960 --> 00:11:50.759 saw you there, but figured she shouldn't interrupt. He's defensive 244 00:11:50.759 --> 00:11:53.240 immediately the kind of tight, fetching look he gets when 245 00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:56.720 his integrity is even gently questioned. Yeah, Anna, she's new. 246 00:11:56.919 --> 00:11:59.200 HR's idea, bringing her up to speed, throwing her in 247 00:11:59.240 --> 00:12:01.480 the deep end. NUSTLEI liss, I wish you trust my 248 00:12:01.559 --> 00:12:04.360 judgment on this stuff. I tense, knowing the script he's 249 00:12:04.399 --> 00:12:07.159 trying to run. Are you annoyed I asked? Or annoyed 250 00:12:07.200 --> 00:12:11.440 someone saw you? He sighs, just works under the microscope already. 251 00:12:11.519 --> 00:12:14.200 I don't want to drag you into office politics right now. Please, 252 00:12:14.279 --> 00:12:16.600 I'm doing my best just to keep up. I let 253 00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:20.000 it go. He looks so tired. I tell myself he 254 00:12:20.039 --> 00:12:24.440 always hated my cromanagement, except now he's managing the narrative too. 255 00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:26.480 We used to share so much of his work life. 256 00:12:26.960 --> 00:12:30.120 Daniel would bring home c ad renderings, elaborate diagrams of 257 00:12:30.120 --> 00:12:33.279 green spaces, and explain what was revolutionary about this pathway. 258 00:12:33.320 --> 00:12:36.159 At that stage, he dumb a pile of contracted jokes 259 00:12:36.159 --> 00:12:38.919 on me. Now, if I show a sliver of interest, 260 00:12:39.080 --> 00:12:42.519 he shrugs. Honestly, the new stuff wouldn't interest you. We're 261 00:12:42.519 --> 00:12:45.480 in the wheat. It's not glamorous, trust me. He closes 262 00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:48.240 his laptop as soon as I enter the room, not once, 263 00:12:48.360 --> 00:12:51.559 but often enough to notice my dubtstable then have in 264 00:12:51.600 --> 00:12:56.320 a maddening rhythm, I entertain alternate explanations. Maybe it's just oppression, 265 00:12:56.840 --> 00:13:00.600 maybe impulsive syndrome. Maybe he's covering for Collie or hinting 266 00:13:00.600 --> 00:13:04.120 at a layoff. Every rational answer dissolves into a dozen tinier, 267 00:13:04.159 --> 00:13:08.279 harder questions. That's the trickiest biteached discovery. Each quite withdrawal 268 00:13:08.279 --> 00:13:11.000 gives me just enough to justify an action. The closer 269 00:13:11.080 --> 00:13:13.360 I get to certainty, the more I find myself doubting 270 00:13:13.399 --> 00:13:16.919 every certainty I have. Anniversaries have always been our circuit 271 00:13:16.919 --> 00:13:18.759 breaker's days when we agreet to but the real world 272 00:13:18.840 --> 00:13:22.240 on hold. Maybe that's why, after a particularly silent Tuesday 273 00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:25.000 dinner frozen pizza, Daniel, barely glancing up from email, I 274 00:13:25.039 --> 00:13:27.639 float the idea of a week and getaway, just us, 275 00:13:27.679 --> 00:13:31.039 no trivia, no clients, just an unremarkable ab manar outside 276 00:13:31.080 --> 00:13:34.639 the city. He hesitates, says, I can't promise I'll make 277 00:13:34.679 --> 00:13:36.840 it early. There is an essential sight visit Saturday, but 278 00:13:36.879 --> 00:13:39.720 I'll drive up after. I say that's fine, Come when 279 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:43.399 you can. We'll hit riset. He actually does. He shows 280 00:13:43.480 --> 00:13:45.399 up late suit case in hand, and for the first 281 00:13:45.440 --> 00:13:48.480 time in months, Daniel seems to relax. He opens a 282 00:13:48.480 --> 00:13:50.840 bottle of wine, tells me about a contractor who nearly 283 00:13:50.840 --> 00:13:53.639 crushed a bobcat, jokes about how ridiculous his bosses have become. 284 00:13:54.120 --> 00:13:55.960 We sit on the porch as headlights blink down the 285 00:13:56.000 --> 00:13:57.879 highway and talk about what we do if we finally 286 00:13:57.919 --> 00:14:02.440 went to Portugal, like we used to dream about. He apologizes, earnestly, awkwardly. 287 00:14:03.039 --> 00:14:05.639 I know I've been absent for real. Things will settle soon, 288 00:14:05.720 --> 00:14:08.759 less by promise. He's touching my hair, his voice a low, 289 00:14:08.879 --> 00:14:12.879 honest rumble. For a night, everything feels possible again. The 290 00:14:12.919 --> 00:14:15.320 first morning back, I wake up lighter, humming as the 291 00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:18.279 slice oranges. I run my hand over Daniel's shoulder as 292 00:14:18.279 --> 00:14:20.200 he bends over his phone, and for a moment, the 293 00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:24.159 world makes sense again. Monday's brisk and hopeful. I even 294 00:14:24.200 --> 00:14:27.200 text errand trip was good. We might survive corporate capitalism 295 00:14:27.240 --> 00:14:30.200 after all. My noon hope is brittle. I get a 296 00:14:30.200 --> 00:14:33.279 group photo from Mocks, a mutual friend, never detail oriented, 297 00:14:33.399 --> 00:14:37.120 never editorializes the pictures from last Thursday at Levee, a 298 00:14:37.240 --> 00:14:40.519 regular trivia night in the open background. Daniel is clearly 299 00:14:40.600 --> 00:14:42.720 visible next to the same blond there and described Diana. 300 00:14:42.879 --> 00:14:45.960 I now presume he's not in work gear. There's a 301 00:14:45.960 --> 00:14:49.000 bottle between them, smiles on both faces. Whine glass is 302 00:14:49.000 --> 00:14:51.320 held loosely, as though nothing in the universe can touch them. 303 00:14:51.879 --> 00:14:53.840 He a claim to be working late, out of reach. 304 00:14:54.639 --> 00:14:56.759 There's no way this is business as usual, no matter 305 00:14:56.799 --> 00:14:58.879 how my heart tries to rationalize away the static in 306 00:14:58.960 --> 00:15:02.879 my chest. I message Marcus crazy, throw her back. When 307 00:15:03.000 --> 00:15:07.039 was this, he replies in seconds, Ha, just Thursday. You 308 00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:10.639 two regusts these days. I want to scream, I don't. 309 00:15:11.320 --> 00:15:13.799 I just stare at the photo, flipping between Daniel's empty 310 00:15:13.799 --> 00:15:15.919 calendar that night and the time samp on the image, 311 00:15:16.039 --> 00:15:17.799 wondering if my voice would even come out if I 312 00:15:17.840 --> 00:15:20.759 tried to call. I try to produce a normal night 313 00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:22.600 in our apartment, but the photo is a black hole. 314 00:15:23.200 --> 00:15:25.799 Daniel is laid again, sending a clip text about Klein 315 00:15:25.879 --> 00:15:28.720 fire aunt, sorry rain check on dinner when all lie 316 00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:31.759 in bed, his absence spread out beside me, a scolding blank. 317 00:15:32.440 --> 00:15:34.399 I never thought I'd be the person searching through her 318 00:15:34.399 --> 00:15:38.279 partner's things. But when Daniel leaves for supposed Saturday working session. 319 00:15:38.320 --> 00:15:40.600 I noticed his work clapped up, lit up on the couch, green, 320 00:15:40.679 --> 00:15:43.240 left and locked. Some part of me means only to 321 00:15:43.240 --> 00:15:46.080 pique to clarify the ache, but after seeing the folder, 322 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:48.799 I can't let it alone. The machine is organized with 323 00:15:48.879 --> 00:15:52.799 architectural precision. I poke at his browser, mostly news, work software, 324 00:15:53.000 --> 00:15:56.399 nothing off. I almost give up before strained notification pops 325 00:15:56.440 --> 00:15:59.960 up personal slack. We don't slack each other for home staff. 326 00:16:00.559 --> 00:16:04.759 Why would we? I click? The channel is named personal slash, Anna, 327 00:16:04.799 --> 00:16:07.360 and I recognize the icon from Daniel's descriptions the new 328 00:16:07.360 --> 00:16:11.080 project manager. I tell myself it's nothing, but the messages 329 00:16:11.120 --> 00:16:13.840 read like an open palm laid on my nerves. Anna, 330 00:16:13.960 --> 00:16:16.519 glad we can keep Thursday nights to ourselves now at 331 00:16:16.600 --> 00:16:20.200 least much better club than real trivia. Daniel not sure 332 00:16:20.200 --> 00:16:21.919 they'd let us back even if we wanted to. They 333 00:16:22.000 --> 00:16:25.879 diviscerate us Biersunna practice for our real thing. Later further back, 334 00:16:25.879 --> 00:16:29.360 a mix of project complaints and jokes, sometimes winking, sometimes 335 00:16:29.399 --> 00:16:33.279 simply professional. Then the tone shifts. Last time was perfect. 336 00:16:33.320 --> 00:16:36.360 Can we do levy again? Or too risky? Or don't 337 00:16:36.360 --> 00:16:39.440 pretend you aren't dying for my ironic movie facts. Most 338 00:16:39.440 --> 00:16:42.120 of it is cloaked, maybe intentionally, but the effect is 339 00:16:42.159 --> 00:16:46.000 a classic Daniel flirt, plausible deniability but soaked in inside references. 340 00:16:46.639 --> 00:16:49.840 I scroll, feeling my chest press against itself, hollow and densip. 341 00:16:49.840 --> 00:16:53.320 Once I don't push further, I quickly close the window. 342 00:16:53.360 --> 00:16:56.159 Why Benny open tabs? Stand up? I wash my hands 343 00:16:56.159 --> 00:17:00.000 to steady them. That evening, I'm quieter than usual. Daniel 344 00:17:00.039 --> 00:17:02.120 tux he'll be late, but comes home in hour sooner 345 00:17:02.159 --> 00:17:05.480 than expected. He glances over, hangs up his keys, searches 346 00:17:05.519 --> 00:17:08.279 my face like he consents the story written there. You're 347 00:17:08.279 --> 00:17:13.160 really quietless Everything okay? I smile thinly, just tired, trying 348 00:17:13.200 --> 00:17:15.039 to deliver a brief on time for once to I'll 349 00:17:15.039 --> 00:17:18.559 be fine, he seems unsure. But let's a drop I 350 00:17:18.559 --> 00:17:21.200 feel really for, immediately followed by gilt cobbling in my stomach. 351 00:17:21.680 --> 00:17:24.200 Why am I the one carrying this weight? He shouldn't 352 00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:26.960 get to dictate the terms of my worry. I try 353 00:17:27.000 --> 00:17:29.880 to sleep. The apartment's too big, even though it's only 354 00:17:29.880 --> 00:17:33.160 two rooms. I call erin the next morning, heart thoughting. 355 00:17:33.759 --> 00:17:36.680 She picks up on the second ring, voice warm, Hey, 356 00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:40.119 how's Daniel? You too? Look relaxed after your weaken I 357 00:17:40.240 --> 00:17:43.279 choke er. Can I ask you something about the other night? 358 00:17:43.319 --> 00:17:45.240 You're sure you only glimpseed him at Levey. I just 359 00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:48.200 something doesn't feel right. She's quiet on the other end, 360 00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:52.160 longer than I expect, Lisa. I hear her take a breath. 361 00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:55.440 I actually saw him twice that week. Honestly, I didn't 362 00:17:55.440 --> 00:17:57.839 want to overstep. There's been some talk, like whispers at 363 00:17:57.839 --> 00:18:00.640 work parties about him and Anna. Nothing come, Creed, but 364 00:18:00.759 --> 00:18:03.240 I figured you'd ask if you wanted the truth. There's 365 00:18:03.240 --> 00:18:05.039 a beat where I can hear us both realizing how 366 00:18:05.119 --> 00:18:06.839 late it is, how little leader one of us wants 367 00:18:06.880 --> 00:18:10.200 to say the words spiraling. I searched my text night's 368 00:18:10.279 --> 00:18:12.440 Daniel insisted I not swing by his office. The new 369 00:18:12.440 --> 00:18:15.839 insistence on don't bring food, I'll be busy. It all clicks, 370 00:18:16.039 --> 00:18:18.720 dominoes of absences and new rules falling into her kind 371 00:18:18.759 --> 00:18:22.759 of order. Anna hasn't just been part of meetings. If anything, 372 00:18:22.839 --> 00:18:26.119 she's the contact, not the surprise. Still, there's almost no 373 00:18:26.160 --> 00:18:29.759 solid evidence until I think of the slack again. I 374 00:18:29.799 --> 00:18:33.240 wait until Daniel's in the shower. I pull open his laptop, 375 00:18:33.279 --> 00:18:36.599 trembling search his d ms. The last message from Annas 376 00:18:36.640 --> 00:18:39.319 dated two nights ago late last night, was perfect. I 377 00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:41.960 wish he didn't have to pretend with her it's enough. 378 00:18:42.599 --> 00:18:45.200 I quietly forward the conversation to myself, then delete the 379 00:18:45.200 --> 00:18:47.960 scent item. I stare at the screen for a long minute. 380 00:18:48.519 --> 00:18:51.319 Even with everything nearly certain, I feel myself fracture, one 381 00:18:51.359 --> 00:18:53.279 half clinging to what I thought we had, the other 382 00:18:53.359 --> 00:18:55.759 already building a world where Daniel's portrayal isn't the most 383 00:18:55.799 --> 00:18:58.759 important thing about me. But the question that keeps circling 384 00:18:58.799 --> 00:19:01.119 is the simplest. If I hadn't looked, would anything have 385 00:19:01.200 --> 00:19:04.599 ever changed? And is knowing better than pretending nothing's wrong. 386 00:19:05.200 --> 00:19:08.160 I don't sleep much that night. Every few minutes I 387 00:19:08.240 --> 00:19:10.039 check that, and his message is still in my in books, 388 00:19:10.119 --> 00:19:12.359 as if during those quiet hours someone might erase it, 389 00:19:12.559 --> 00:19:14.799 as if doublone could wipe digital proof off the map. 390 00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:18.119 The city outside is muffled by raying streaks against the window, 391 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:20.599 and in that soft white noise of insauniac thinking. I 392 00:19:20.680 --> 00:19:22.839 try to arrange the puzzle pieces what I saw, what 393 00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:24.799 I heard, what he has said and not said, into 394 00:19:24.880 --> 00:19:28.000 shape that isn't betrayal. Maybe Anna's message is a joke. 395 00:19:28.680 --> 00:19:30.519 Maybe Daniell let the flirtation go in to make the 396 00:19:30.519 --> 00:19:32.920 new hire feel comfortable. Maybe it's a work thing, like 397 00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:36.720 everything else is supposed to be. Maybe the word eats 398 00:19:36.759 --> 00:19:41.759 up everything else. The next morning, daniels up before me, already, dress, shoes, lace, tie, 399 00:19:41.839 --> 00:19:44.839 slightly askewe. He brushes past with the mumbolt, can you 400 00:19:44.920 --> 00:19:47.559 vemmo me for groceries? Keys in hand, Let's press together 401 00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:50.799