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Speaker 1: The B flat Trombone by Samuel Hopkins Adams. Three men

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sat in the Cosmic Club discussing the question what's the

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matter with Jones? Waldemar, the oldest of the confres, was

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the owner and at times the operator, of an important

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and decent newspaper. His heavy face wore the expression of

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good humored power characteristic of the experienced and successful journalist.

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Beside him sat Robert Bertram, the club idler, slender, and

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languidly elegant. The third member of the conference was Jones himself. Average.

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Jones had come by his nickname inevitably. His parents had

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fordoomed him to it when they furnished him with the

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initials A V R. E as preface to his birthright

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of j for Jones, his character apparently justified the chance concomitants.

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He was, so to speak, a composite photograph of any thousand,

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well conditioned, clean living Americans between the ages of twenty

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five and thirty. Happily, his otherwise commonplace face was relieved

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by the one unfailing characteristic of composite photographs, large deep

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set and thoughtful eyes. Otherwise he would have passed in

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any crowd, and nobody would have noticed him pass. Now

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at twenty seven, he looked back over the five years

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since his graduation from college and wondered what he had

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done with them, and at the four previous years of

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undergraduate life, and wondered how he had done so well

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with those, and why he had not, in some manner

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justified the parting words of his favorite professor. You have

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one rare faculty, Jones. You can, when you choose, sharpen

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the pencil of your mind to a very fine point. Specialize,

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my boy, specialize. If the recipient of this admins had

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specialized in anything, it was in life. Having twenty five

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thousand a year of his own, he might have continued

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in that path indefinitely, but for two influences. One was

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an eruptive craving within him to take some part of

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the dynamic activities of the surrounding world. The other was

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the freak will of his late and little lamented uncle,

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from whom he had his present income and his future

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expectations of some ten millions. Adrian van Rape and Edgerton had,

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as Waldemar once put it, one into the mayor's chair

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with a good name and come out with a block

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of ice stock in a will whose cynical humor was

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the topic of its day. Mister Edgerton jeered posthumously at

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the public which he had despoiled, and promised restitution of

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a sort through his heir. Therefore, he had written, I

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give and bequeath to the Seine ed Adrian van Rapen

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Edgerton Jones, the residue of my property, the principle to

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be taken over by him at such time as he

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shall have completed five years of continuous residence in New

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York City. After such time the virus of the metropolis

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will have worked through his entire being. He will squander

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his unearned, undeserved fortune, thus completing the vicious circle and

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returning the millions acquired by my political activities in a

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poisoned shower upon the city for which, having bossed, bullied,

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and looted it, I feel no sentiment other than contempt.

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And now, remarked Waldemar in his heavy rumbling voice, you

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aspire to disappoint that good old man. It is only

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human nature, you know, said average Jones. When a man

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puts a ten million dollar curse on you and suggests

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that you haven't the backbone of a shrimp, you you

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naturally yearn to prove him a liar, supplied Bertram. Exactly. Anyway,

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I've no taste for dissipation, either moral or financial. I

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want action, something to do. I'm bored in this infernal city,

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the wail of the unslaked Romanticist, commented Bertram. Romanticism nothing

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protested the other. My ambitions are practical enough, if I

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could only get them stirred up. Exactly. Boredom is simply

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romanticism with a morning after thirst. You're panting for romance,

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for something bizarre. Egypt and Saint Petersburg and Buenos Aires

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and Samoa have all become commonplace to you. You've overdone them.

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That's why you're back here in New York, waiting with

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stretched nerves for the adventure of life to cat creep

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up from behind and toss the lariat of rainbow dreams

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over your shoulders. Waldemar laughed, Not a bad diagnosis. Why

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don't you take up a hobby, mister Jones, What kind

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of hobby? Any kind? The club is full of hobby writers.

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Of all people that I know, they have the keenest

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appetite for life. Look at old Denishow. He was a

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misanthrope until he took to gathering scabs. Fenton over There

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has the finest collection of circus posters in the world.

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Bellardinge's house is a museum of obsolete musical instruments. De

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Gay collects venomous insects from all over the world. No

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harmless ones need apply. Terra Barry has a mania for

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old railroad tickets. Some are really very curious. I've often

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wish I had the time to be a crank. It's

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a happy life. What line would you choose, asked Bertram languidly.

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Nobody has gone in for queer advertisements yet, I believe,

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replied the older man if one could take the time

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to follow them up. But it would mean all one's leisure.

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Would it be so demanding a career? Said average Jones,

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smiling decidedly. I once knew a man who gave away

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twenty dollars daily on clues from the day's news. He

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wasn't bored for lack of occupation. But the ordinary run

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of advertising is nothing more than an effort to sell

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something by yelling in print, objected Average Jones. Is it well,

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perhaps you don't look in the right place. Waldemar reached

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for the morning's copy of The Universal and ran his

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eye down the columns of classified matter. Hark to this,

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he said, and read, is there any work on God's

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Green Earth for a man who has just got to

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have it? Or this? Wanted a venerable looking man with

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white beard and medical degree, good pay to write applicant?

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What's that? Asked Average Jones with awakened interest. Only a

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quack medical concern looking for a stall to impress their

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come ons, explained Waldemar. Average Jones leaned over to scan

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the paper in his turn. Here's one, said he and

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read wanted performer on a B flat trombone, can use

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it once, apply with instrument after one pm, three hundred East,

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one hundredth Street. That seems ordinary enough, said Waldemar. What's

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it doing in a daily paper? There must be technical

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publications or journals, you know, for this sort of demand.

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When Average's words come slow, you've got him interested, commented Bertram.

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Sure sign. Nevertheless, he's right, said Waldemar. It is rather misplaced.

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How is this for one that says what it means?

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Said Bertram. Wanted at once a brass howitzer and a

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man who isn't afraid to handle it, missus Ann Cullen

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Peer nineteen and a half, East River, the woman who

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is fighting the barge combine, explained Waldemar. Not so good

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as it looks she's bluffing. Anyway, I'd like a shy

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at this business, declared averag Jones, with sudden conviction. It

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looks to me like something to do. Make it a business,

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then advise Waldemar, if you care really to go in

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for it. My newspaper would be glad to pay for

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information such as you might collect. We haven't time, for example,

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to trace down fraudulent advertisers. If you could start an

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enterprise of that sort, you'd certainly find it amusing and

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at times perhaps even adventurous. I wouldn't know how to

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establish it, objected average Jones. The newspaper owner drew a

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rough diagram on a sheet of paper and filled it

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with writing, crossing out and revising liberally divided upon his

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pattern into lines. The final draft said, have you been stung? Thousands?

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Have thousands? Will be? They're laying for you? Who the

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advertising crooks? A Jones adviser can protect you against them

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before spending your money. Call on him advice on all subjects.

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Connected with newspaper, magazine or display advertising. Free consultation to

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persons unable to pay, call or write in closing postage.

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This is on the level, advisor. Do you expect me

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to blight my budding career by a poisonous pun like that?

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Demanded average Jones with a wry face. It may be

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a poisonous pun, but it's an arresting catchword, said waldemar

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unmoved single column about fifty lines will do in nice

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open style, caps in lower case and blackface type for

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the name and title. Insert twice a week in every

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New York and Brooklyn paper. Isn't it a little blatant?

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Suggested bertram with lifted eyebrows. Blatant repeated its inventor. It's

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more than that. It's howlingly vulgar. It's a riot of

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glaring yellow. How else would you expect to catch the pue?

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Suppose then I do burst into flame to this effect,

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query the prospective adviser. A Aprey, as we proudly say,

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after spending a week in Paris, Aprey, oh plenty of things.

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You hire an office, a clerk, two stenographers, and a

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clipping expert, and prepare to take care of the work

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that comes in, you'll be flooded, promised Waldemar. And between

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times I'm to go skipping about, chasing long white whiskers

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and brass howitzers and b flat trombones. I suppose until

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you get your work systematized, you'll have no time for skipping.

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Within six months, if you're not sandbagged or jailed on

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fake libel suits, you'll have a unique bibliography of swindles.

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Then I'll begin to come and buy your knowledge to

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keep my own columns clean. The speaker looked up to

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meet the gaze of an iron gray man with a harsh,

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sallow face. Excuse my interrupting, said the newcomer. Just one question, Waldemar.

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Who's going to be the nominee? Linder Lynder surely not.

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Why his name hasn't been heard? It will be his

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federal job. He resigns in two weeks, his record will

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kill him. What record? You and I know he's a grafter,

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but can we prove anything His cork has always handled

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all the money? Wasn't there an old scandal? A woman

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case asked the questioner, vaguely that Washington Man's wife too old.

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Linder would deny it. Flatly, and there would be no witnesses.

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The woman is dead, killed by his brutal treatment of her,

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they say. But the whole thing was hushed up at

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the time by Lynder's pull, and when the husband threatened

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to kill him, Linder quietly set a Commissioner of insanity

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on the case and had the man put away. He's

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never appeared since. No, that wouldn't be politically effective. The

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gray man nodded and walked away, musing. Egbert, the traction boss,

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explained Waldemar, We're generally on opposite sides, but this time

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we're both against Linder. Egbert wants a cheaper man for mayor.

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I want a straighter one, and I could get him

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this year if Linder wasn't so well fortified. However, to

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get back to our project, mister Jones, get back to

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it they did with such absorption that, when the group

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broke up several hours later, Average Jones was committed by

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plan and wrote to the new and hopeful adventure of

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life in the great human hunt, which has ever been

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and ever shall be, till the last bird flies into

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the last light. Some call it business, some call it art,

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some call it love, and a very few know it

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for what it is, the very mainspring of existence. The

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path of the pursuer and the prey often run obscurely parallel.

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What time the Honorable William Lender matured his designs on

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the Mayoralty, Average Jones sat in a suite of offices

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Astra Court, a location which Waldemar had advised as being central,

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expensive and inspirational of confidence, and considered with a whirling

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brain the minor woes of humanity. Other people's troubles had

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swarmed down upon him in answer to his advertised offer

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of help as Sparrow's flocked of scattered breadcrumbs. Mostly these

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were of the lesser order of difficulties. But for what

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he gave in advice and help, the adviser took payment

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in experience and knowledge of human nature. Still, it was

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the hard, honest study and the helpful toil which held

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him to the task, rather than the romance and adventure

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which he had hoped for and Waldemar had foretold. Until

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in a quiet street in Brooklyn, of which he had

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never so much as heard, there befell that which first

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of many events justified the prophetic Waldemar and gave Average

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Jones a part in the greater drama of the metropolis.

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The party of the set second part was the Honorable

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William Linder. Mister Linder sat at five p m. Of

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an early summer day, behind lock and bolt, the third

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floor front room of his ornate mansion on Brooklyn's Park

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Slope was dedicated to peaceful thought. Sprawled in a huge

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and softly upholstered chair at the window, he took his

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ease in his house. The chair had been a recent

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gift from an anonymous admirer, whose political necessities, the honorable

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mister Linder idly surmised, had not yet driven him to

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reveal his identity. Its occupants. Stretched his shoeless feet, as

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was his custom, upon the broad window sill, flooded by

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the seasonal warmth of sunshine. The while he considered the

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ripening mayoralty situation, he found it highly satisfactory in the

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language of his inner man. It was a cinch. Below,

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in Cannard Street, a solitary musician plotted, his pretzel shaped

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brass rested against his shoulder. He appeared to be the

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scout of one of those prevalent and melancholious German bands

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which under Brooklyn's easy ordinances are privileged to draw echoes

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of the past, writhing from their forgotten recesses. The man

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looked slowly about him, as if appraising potential returns. His

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gravid glance encountered the prominent feet in the third story

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window of the Lender mansion, and rested. He moved forward

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opposite the window. He paused. He raised the mouthpiece to

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his lips, and embarked upon a perilous sea of notes,

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from which the tutored ear might have inferred that once

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popular ditty egypt Love of music was not one of

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Honorable William Linder's attributes. An irascal temper was. Of all

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the instruments, the B flat trombone possesses the most nerve

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jarring tone. The master of the mansion leaped from his

233
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RESTful chair, where his feet had or of the coping.

234
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:04,360
His face now appeared far out. He leaned and roared

235
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at the musician below. The brass throat blared back at him,

236
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while the soloist, his eyes closed in the ecstasy of art,

237
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brought the verst part of his selection to an excruciating conclusion,

238
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half a tone below pitch before the chorus. There was

239
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a brief pause for effect. In this pause, from mister

240
00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:27,960
Linder's open face, a voice fell like a falling star.

241
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:33,720
Although it did not cry excelsior, its output of vocables

242
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:36,799
might have been mistaken by a casual ear for that

243
00:16:36,919 --> 00:16:41,360
clarion call. What the honorable mister Linder actually shouted was

244
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:46,279
get the hell out of here. The performer upturned a

245
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:50,320
mild and vacant face. What you say, he inquired in

246
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:55,200
a softly teutonic accent. The Honorable William Lender made urgent

247
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gestures like a brakeman, go away, move on. The musician

248
00:17:00,879 --> 00:17:04,880
smiled reassuringly. I already got paid for this, he explained.

249
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Up went the brass to his lips again. The tonal

250
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:12,359
stairway which leads up to the chorus of Egypt rose

251
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:18,240
in raspy wailfulness. It culminated in an excessive, unendurable, brazen shriek,

252
00:17:18,799 --> 00:17:22,480
and the Honorable William Lender experienced upon the undefended rear

253
00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:25,720
of his person the most violent kick of a lifetime

254
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:29,759
not always devoted to the arts of peace. It projected

255
00:17:29,839 --> 00:17:33,240
him clear of the window sill. His last visible vision

256
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,319
was the face of the musician, the mouth of surdly

257
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:40,799
hollow and pursed above the suddenly removed mouthpiece. Then an

258
00:17:40,799 --> 00:17:46,039
awning intercepted the politician's flight. He passed through this, penetrated

259
00:17:46,039 --> 00:17:49,160
a second and similar stretch of canvas shading the next

260
00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:52,920
window below, and lay placid on his own front doorsteps,

261
00:17:53,279 --> 00:17:56,559
with three ribs caved in and a variegated fracture of

262
00:17:56,599 --> 00:18:00,400
the collarbone. By the time the descent was ended, the

263
00:18:00,480 --> 00:18:03,640
German musician had tucked his brass under his arm and

264
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was hurrying in panic down the street, his ears still

265
00:18:07,559 --> 00:18:11,160
ringing from the concussion which had blown the angry householder

266
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,400
from his own front window. He was intercepted by a

267
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:20,720
running policeman. Where was the explosion, demanded the officer. Explosion,

268
00:18:21,319 --> 00:18:23,599
I heard a noise in the large house on the corner,

269
00:18:24,079 --> 00:18:28,920
replied the musician dully. The policeman grabbed his arm. Come

270
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,880
along back, you for a witness. Come on, you and

271
00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:36,400
your horn. It is not a horn, exclaimed the German patiently.

272
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:41,319
It's iss a B flat trombone. Along with several million

273
00:18:41,359 --> 00:18:45,680
other readers, Average Joan followed the lender bomb outrage through

274
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:50,480
the scandalized headlines of the local press. The perpetrator declared.

275
00:18:50,519 --> 00:18:54,400
The excited journals had been skillful. No clue was left.

276
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:58,839
The explosion had taken care of that. The police, with

277
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:02,400
the characteristic stoopidity of a corps of former truck drivers

278
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,440
and bartenders, decorated with brass buttons and shields, and without

279
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:12,119
further qualification dubbed detectives, vacillated from theory to theory. Their

280
00:19:12,160 --> 00:19:15,960
putty and pasteboard fantasies did not long survive. The honorable

281
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:20,680
William Lenders return to consciousness and coherence. An inside job,

282
00:19:20,759 --> 00:19:23,680
they had said. The door was locked and bolted, mister

283
00:19:23,759 --> 00:19:26,759
Linder declared, and there was no possible place for an

284
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:32,160
intruder to conceal himself clockwork. Then how would any human

285
00:19:32,240 --> 00:19:35,240
being guess what time to set it for, demanded the

286
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:39,319
politician in disgust. When I never know myself where I'm

287
00:19:39,359 --> 00:19:42,200
going to be at any given hour of any given day.

288
00:19:43,759 --> 00:19:47,000
Then that Dutch horn player threw the bomb, propounded the

289
00:19:47,039 --> 00:19:51,680
head of the detective bureau ponderously, of course, tossed it

290
00:19:51,759 --> 00:19:55,519
right up three stories, and kept playing his infernal trombone

291
00:19:55,519 --> 00:19:58,119
with the other hand all the time you ought to

292
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:03,079
be carrying a hod Nevertheless, the police hung tenaciously to

293
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:06,920
the theory that the musician was involved, chiefly because they

294
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:10,440
had nothing else to hang to. The explosion had been

295
00:20:10,599 --> 00:20:14,720
very localized, the room not generally wrecked, but the chair,

296
00:20:14,759 --> 00:20:17,200
which seemed to be the center of the disturbance, and

297
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,920
from which the Honorable William Lender had risen just in

298
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,480
time to save his life, was blown to pieces, and

299
00:20:23,559 --> 00:20:26,000
a portion of the floor beneath it was much shattered.

300
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:30,319
The force of the explosion had been above the floor downward,

301
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:34,599
not up through the flooring, as to murderously inclined foes.

302
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:38,559
Mister Linder disclaimed knowledge of any The notion that the

303
00:20:38,599 --> 00:20:42,160
trombonus had given a signal he derided as in old

304
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:46,519
sleuth pipe dream. As time went on and clues came

305
00:20:46,599 --> 00:20:50,039
to nothing, the police had no greater concern than quietly

306
00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:54,319
to forget, according to custom, a problem beyond their limited powers.

307
00:20:55,279 --> 00:20:58,079
With the release of the German musician, who is found

308
00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:00,720
to be simple minded to the verge of hat witlessness,

309
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:04,880
public interest waned, and the case faded out of current print.

310
00:21:06,359 --> 00:21:09,200
Average Jones, who was much occupied with a pair of

311
00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:14,319
blackmailers operating through faked photographs about that time, had almost

312
00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:17,519
forgotten the lender case. When one day, a month after

313
00:21:17,559 --> 00:21:21,359
the explosion, Waldemar dropped in at the Astro court offices,

314
00:21:22,559 --> 00:21:26,079
he found a change Jones, much thinner and finer than

315
00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:29,400
when eight weeks before he had embarked on his new

316
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:33,880
career at the newspaper owner's insistence. The young man's color

317
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:37,200
was less pronounced, and his eyes, though alert and eager,

318
00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:41,440
showed rings under them. You have found the work interesting,

319
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:47,200
I take it, remarked his visitor, rather drawled average Jones appreciatively.

320
00:21:48,799 --> 00:21:51,559
That was a good initial effort running down the opium

321
00:21:51,559 --> 00:21:55,559
pill mail order enterprise. It was simple enough as soon

322
00:21:55,559 --> 00:21:59,480
as I saw the catchword in the wanted line. Anything

323
00:21:59,559 --> 00:22:01,880
is easy to a man who sees it, returned the

324
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:06,200
older man sententiously. The open eye of the open mind.

325
00:22:06,319 --> 00:22:08,960
That has more to do with real detective work than

326
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:13,599
all the deduction and induction and analysis ever devised. It

327
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,400
is the detective part that interests me most in the game.

328
00:22:16,759 --> 00:22:19,359
But I haven't had much of it yet. You haven't

329
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:23,960
run across any promising ads lately, have you, Waldemar's wide,

330
00:22:24,039 --> 00:22:27,640
florid brow wrinkled. I hadn't thought or dreamed of anything

331
00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:31,799
for a month, but this infernal bomb explosion. Oh the

332
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:38,000
lender case, you're personally interested politically, it makes Linder's nomination

333
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:43,759
certain persecution, attempted assassination. He becomes a near martyr. I

334
00:22:43,799 --> 00:22:46,039
am almost ready to believe that he planted a fake

335
00:22:46,119 --> 00:22:49,519
bomb himself and fell out of a third story window

336
00:22:49,559 --> 00:22:52,960
to carry out the idea. That's pushing realism rather far,

337
00:22:53,079 --> 00:22:58,319
isn't it, Waldemar laughed. There's the weakness unless we suppose

338
00:22:58,359 --> 00:23:01,839
that he under reckoned the charge of a explosive. They

339
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:06,000
let the musician go, didn't they? Yes, there was absolutely

340
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,440
no proof against him, except that he was in the

341
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:13,519
street below. Besides, he seemed quite lacking mentally. Mightn't that

342
00:23:13,559 --> 00:23:17,559
have been a sham? Alienists of good standing examined him.

343
00:23:18,119 --> 00:23:20,759
They reported him just a shade better than half witted.

344
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,359
He was like a one idea child, his whole being

345
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:27,519
comprised in his ability and ambition to play his B

346
00:23:27,720 --> 00:23:33,319
flat trombone. Well. If I needed an accomplice, said average Jones, thoughtfully,

347
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,079
I wouldn't want any better one than a half witted man.

348
00:23:36,519 --> 00:23:40,960
Did he play well? Atrociously? And if you know what

349
00:23:41,039 --> 00:23:44,599
a soul shattering blare exudes from a b flat trombone,

350
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:51,440
mister Waldemar lifted expressive hands. Within average jones overstocked mind,

351
00:23:51,559 --> 00:23:56,039
something stirred at the repetition of the words b flat trombone.

352
00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,039
Somewhere they had attracted his notice in print, and some

353
00:24:00,319 --> 00:24:04,319
they were connected with Waldemar. Then, from amidst the hundreds

354
00:24:04,319 --> 00:24:07,680
of advertisements with which in the past weeks he had

355
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,599
crowded his brain, one stood out clear. He had voiced

356
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,519
the desire of an unknown gentleman on the near border

357
00:24:14,559 --> 00:24:17,920
of Harlem for the services of a performer upon that

358
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:22,720
semi exotic instrument, one among several. It had been cut

359
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,599
from the columns of the Universal on the evening which

360
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:29,720
had launched him upon his new enterprise. Average Jones made

361
00:24:29,759 --> 00:24:33,200
two steps to a bookcase, took down a huge scrap

362
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:36,920
book from an alphabetized row, and turned the leaves rapidly.

363
00:24:38,279 --> 00:24:41,680
Three hundred east one hundredth You won't mind, will you,

364
00:24:41,839 --> 00:24:46,599
he said to Waldemar. If I leave you unceremoniously recall

365
00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:51,640
the forgotten engagement, asked the other, rising, Yes, No, I

366
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,680
mean I'm going to Harlem to hear some music. Thirty

367
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:59,400
fourth the nearest station, isn't it? Thanks so long? Waldemar

368
00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:02,240
rubbed his head thoughtfully as the door slammed behind the

369
00:25:02,279 --> 00:25:06,079
speeding adviser. Now what kind of tune is he on

370
00:25:06,119 --> 00:25:09,240
the track of, I wonder, he mused. I wish it

371
00:25:09,279 --> 00:25:11,920
hadn't struck him until I'd had time to go ovill

372
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,960
Lender business with him. But while Waldemar rubbed his head

373
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,559
in cogitation, and the Honorable William Lender in his Brooklyn

374
00:25:19,559 --> 00:25:23,720
headquarters breathed cheerily out of respect to his creaking rib,

375
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:29,400
Average Jones was following fate northward three hundred East one

376
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,599
hundredth Street. Is a house decrepit with the disease of

377
00:25:32,599 --> 00:25:36,960
the aged. Its windowed eyes are roomy, its SAgs backward

378
00:25:37,039 --> 00:25:40,680
on narl joints. All its poor old bones creak when

379
00:25:40,680 --> 00:25:44,839
the winds shake it. To Average Jones, inquiring gaze on

380
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:49,119
this summer day, it opposed the secrecy of a senile indifference.

381
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,000
He hesitated to pull at its bell knob lest by

382
00:25:53,039 --> 00:25:56,440
that act he should exert this eruptive force, which might

383
00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:00,400
bring all the frail structure rattling down in ruin. When

384
00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:03,799
at length he forced himself through the summons, the merest

385
00:26:03,839 --> 00:26:08,240
ghost of a tinkle complained petulantly from within against his violence.

386
00:26:09,359 --> 00:26:12,200
An old lady came to the door. She was sleek

387
00:26:12,279 --> 00:26:16,000
and placid, round and comfortable. She did not seem to

388
00:26:16,039 --> 00:26:19,599
belong in that house at all. Average Jones felt as

389
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:22,160
if he had cracked open one of the grisly locust

390
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:26,039
shells which clung lifelessly to tree trunks, and had found

391
00:26:26,039 --> 00:26:31,039
within a plump and prosperous beetle. Was an advertisement for

392
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,480
a trombone player inserted from this house. Ma'am? He inquired

393
00:26:35,519 --> 00:26:40,119
long ago, said she am? I too late, then much?

394
00:26:40,799 --> 00:26:44,359
It was answered nearly two months since. I have never

395
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:48,559
said the old lady with conviction, seen such a frazzled

396
00:26:48,599 --> 00:26:52,880
lot of folks as B flat trombone players. The person

397
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:58,519
who inserted the advertisement has left a month since. Could

398
00:26:58,519 --> 00:27:02,400
you tell where he went? Left no address? His name

399
00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:07,119
was Telford, wasn't it, said Average Jones. Strategically might be,

400
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:10,720
said the old lady, who had evidently formed no favorable

401
00:27:10,759 --> 00:27:15,039
impression of her ex lodger. But he called himself ransom.

402
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:19,200
He had a furnished room, the whole third floor furnished.

403
00:27:20,359 --> 00:27:24,200
Is it let? Now? Part of it? The rear. I'll

404
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:27,960
take the front room without even looking at it. Yes,

405
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:33,880
you're a queer young man. As to price, whatever you choose,

406
00:27:34,759 --> 00:27:37,359
you're a very queer young man. Are you a B

407
00:27:37,480 --> 00:27:43,000
flat trombone player? I collect him, said Average Jones references,

408
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:47,400
said the old lady abruptly, and with suspicion all varieties,

409
00:27:47,799 --> 00:27:51,640
replied her prospective lodger, cheerfully. I will bring him tomorrow

410
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:57,599
with my grip. For five successive evenings thereafter, average Jones

411
00:27:57,640 --> 00:28:01,640
sat in the senile house awaiting personal response to the

412
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:06,200
following advertisement, which he had inserted in the universal Wanted

413
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:11,079
B flat trombonists must have had experience as street player.

414
00:28:11,839 --> 00:28:16,799
Apply between eight and ten pm, r three hundred East

415
00:28:17,119 --> 00:28:23,240
one hundredth Street. Between the EBB and flow of applicant musicians,

416
00:28:23,279 --> 00:28:27,559
he read exhaustively upon the unallied subjects of trombones and

417
00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:31,480
high explosives, or talk with his landlady, who proved to

418
00:28:31,519 --> 00:28:35,519
be a sociable person, not disinclined to discuss the departed

419
00:28:35,559 --> 00:28:41,519
guest ransom, his supplanter learned, had come light and gone light.

420
00:28:42,359 --> 00:28:46,480
Two dress suitcases had sufficed to bring in all his belongings.

421
00:28:47,039 --> 00:28:50,200
He went out but little, and then she opined with

422
00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:56,119
a disgustful sniff for purposes. Strictly alcoholic parcels came for

423
00:28:56,200 --> 00:29:00,519
him occasionally. They were usually labeled glass handle with care.

424
00:29:01,319 --> 00:29:05,319
Oh there was one other thing, a huge easy armchair

425
00:29:05,359 --> 00:29:09,599
from Carruthers and Company, mighty luxurious for an eight dollar lodger.

426
00:29:10,799 --> 00:29:14,839
Did he take that with him, asked average Jones. No.

427
00:29:15,599 --> 00:29:17,720
After he had been here a while he had a

428
00:29:17,720 --> 00:29:20,160
man come in and box it up. He must have

429
00:29:20,240 --> 00:29:23,640
sent it away, but I never saw it go. Was

430
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:27,920
this before or after the trombone players came? Long after?

431
00:29:28,599 --> 00:29:30,920
It was after he had picked out his man and

432
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:36,680
had him up there practicing. Did uh you ever see

433
00:29:36,759 --> 00:29:41,039
this musician? Drawled Average Jones in the slow tones of

434
00:29:41,079 --> 00:29:45,680
his peculiar excitement. Bless you. Yes, I talked with him.

435
00:29:46,519 --> 00:29:49,799
What was he like? He was a stupid old German?

436
00:29:50,359 --> 00:29:53,680
I always thought he was a sort of natural. Yes,

437
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:57,640
Average Jones peered out of the window. Is this the

438
00:29:57,720 --> 00:30:01,640
man coming up the street? It surely is, said the

439
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:05,480
old lady. Now, mister Jones, if he commences his blaring

440
00:30:05,559 --> 00:30:09,559
and blatting, and there'll be no more music, ma'am, promised

441
00:30:09,599 --> 00:30:12,200
the young man, laughing as she went out to the answer.

442
00:30:12,279 --> 00:30:16,680
The door bell. The musician ushered in looked about him,

443
00:30:17,039 --> 00:30:20,480
an expression of bewildered and childish surprise on his rabbit

444
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:25,240
like face. I am schleeking, he murmured. I come to

445
00:30:25,279 --> 00:30:29,519
play the bee flat trombone. Glad to see you, mister schleekling,

446
00:30:30,079 --> 00:30:35,039
said Daverage Jones, leading away upstairs. Sit down. The visitor

447
00:30:35,079 --> 00:30:37,920
put his trombone down and shook his head with conviction.

448
00:30:38,799 --> 00:30:41,519
It is the same room, yes, he observed, but it

449
00:30:41,599 --> 00:30:45,359
is not the same gent. No, you expected to find

450
00:30:45,359 --> 00:30:49,359
mister Ransom here. I don't know mister Ransom. I know

451
00:30:49,519 --> 00:30:53,680
only to play the bee flat trombone. Mister Ransom. The

452
00:30:53,799 --> 00:30:56,400
gentleman who employed you to play in the street in Brooklyn,

453
00:30:57,319 --> 00:31:01,799
mister Sleeting made large and expansive gestures. It is a

454
00:31:01,839 --> 00:31:04,240
pleasure to play for such a gent he said, warmly,

455
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:09,200
two dollars a day. You have played often in Canard Street.

456
00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:13,240
I don't know Canard Street. I know only to play

457
00:31:13,279 --> 00:31:17,799
the b flat trombone Canard Street in Brooklyn, where the

458
00:31:17,839 --> 00:31:20,440
fat gentleman told you to stop and fell out of

459
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:24,119
the window. A look of fear overspread the worn and

460
00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:28,240
innocent face. I don't go there no more. The police,

461
00:31:28,319 --> 00:31:32,559
they take there, but you had gone there before. Not

462
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:38,000
to play? No, not to play? Are you sure? The

463
00:31:38,079 --> 00:31:42,000
German considered, painfully there of us no feet in the window,

464
00:31:42,079 --> 00:31:47,920
he explained. Brightening upon that surprising phrase, Average Jones pondered,

465
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:50,519
you were not to play unless there were feet in

466
00:31:50,559 --> 00:31:54,400
the window. He said, at length, was that it? The

467
00:31:54,480 --> 00:31:58,599
musician assented, it does look like a signal to show

468
00:31:58,599 --> 00:32:02,559
that Linder was in music. The interrogator, do you know Linder?

469
00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:06,160
I don't know nothing. Only to play the B flat trombone,

470
00:32:06,839 --> 00:32:11,559
repeated the other patiently. Now, Schleeting said average Jones. Here

471
00:32:11,599 --> 00:32:15,079
is a dollar every evening. You must come here. Whether

472
00:32:15,119 --> 00:32:16,839
I am here or not, there will be a dollar

473
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:20,759
for you. Do you understand? By way of answer, the

474
00:32:20,839 --> 00:32:25,039
German reached down and lifted his instrument to his lips. No,

475
00:32:25,119 --> 00:32:29,240
not that, forbade Average Jones put it down. Not to

476
00:32:29,319 --> 00:32:32,920
play my B flat trombone, asked the other, innocently hurt.

477
00:32:33,559 --> 00:32:37,440
The other gent he may play here always did, he

478
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:44,079
drawled average Jones, And he listened. He listened from out there.

479
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:49,640
The musician pointed to the other room. How long different times,

480
00:32:49,960 --> 00:32:54,559
was the reply. But he was always in the other room. Always,

481
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:59,440
and I play Egypt like this, no, said average Jones,

482
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:03,119
as the other stretched out a hopeful hand. He liked

483
00:33:03,119 --> 00:33:07,559
it Egypt, said the German. Wistfully. He said, bravo, encore

484
00:33:07,799 --> 00:33:13,400
beasts sometimes nine, sometimes ten times I play it the chorus,

485
00:33:13,839 --> 00:33:17,640
and then he sent you home. Then sometimes something goes

486
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:21,319
spring like that in the back room. Then he comes out,

487
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:26,680
and I may go home. Hum muttered Average Jones discontentedly.

488
00:33:27,480 --> 00:33:30,720
When did you begin to play in the street After

489
00:33:30,799 --> 00:33:33,480
a long time? He'd take me away to Brooklyn and

490
00:33:33,519 --> 00:33:36,240
tell me, when you see the feet that's in the window,

491
00:33:36,559 --> 00:33:41,519
you play hard. There was a long pause, then average

492
00:33:41,559 --> 00:33:45,400
Jones asked casually, did you ever notice a big easy

493
00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:49,359
chair here? I do not notice nothing. I play my

494
00:33:49,440 --> 00:33:54,400
B flat trombone and there his limitations were established. But

495
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:58,079
the old lady had something to add. It's all true that,

496
00:33:58,119 --> 00:34:00,960
he said. She confirmed. I could hear his racket in

497
00:34:00,960 --> 00:34:03,839
the front room and mister Ransom working in the back.

498
00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:07,519
And then after the old man was gone, mister Ransom

499
00:34:07,599 --> 00:34:16,960
sweeping up something by himself, sweeping what was he sweeping glass?

500
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,880
I think the girl used to find little slivers of it.

501
00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:22,320
First in one part of the room. Then in another

502
00:34:22,840 --> 00:34:25,719
I raised the rent for that and for the racket.

503
00:34:26,559 --> 00:34:29,679
The next thing, said average Jones, is to find out

504
00:34:29,679 --> 00:34:32,559
where that big easy chair went from here. Can you

505
00:34:32,599 --> 00:34:36,400
help me there? The old lady shook her head. All

506
00:34:36,480 --> 00:34:38,679
I can do is tell you the nearby truck men

507
00:34:40,039 --> 00:34:43,280
canvas of the local trucking industry brought to light the

508
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:46,920
conveyor of that elegant article of furniture. It had gone,

509
00:34:47,079 --> 00:34:50,760
Average Jones learned not to the mansion of the Honorable

510
00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:53,960
William Lynder, as he had fondly hoped, but to an

511
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:57,639
obscure address not far from the Navy Yard in Brooklyn.

512
00:34:58,039 --> 00:35:00,800
To this address, having looked at up and gathered in

513
00:35:00,880 --> 00:35:05,480
the b flat trombonist, Average Jones led the way. The

514
00:35:05,519 --> 00:35:09,039
pair lurked in the neighborhood of the ramshackle house, watching

515
00:35:09,079 --> 00:35:12,280
the entrance until toward evening, as the door opened to

516
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:15,159
let out a tremulous wreck of a man, palsied with

517
00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:20,679
debauch schleeting, observed, datis him. He has been drinking once again,

518
00:35:22,079 --> 00:35:25,559
Average Jones hurried the musician around the corner into concealment.

519
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:29,840
You have been here before to meet mister Ransom. No

520
00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:33,519
where did he meet you to pay you your wages

521
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:37,960
on some corner, said the other vaguely. Then he took

522
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:42,000
you to the big house and left you there, urged Jones. No,

523
00:35:42,599 --> 00:35:45,239
he left me on the street corner. When the feet

524
00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:49,599
is in the window, he says, you play. It comes

525
00:35:49,599 --> 00:35:54,280
to this, drawled average Jones, intently looking the employee between

526
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:59,039
his vacuous eyes. Ransom shipped the chair to Plymouth Street

527
00:35:59,119 --> 00:36:02,480
and from there to Lyndeuse. He figured that Linder would

528
00:36:02,519 --> 00:36:04,599
put it in his study and do his sitting at

529
00:36:04,639 --> 00:36:07,000
the window in it. And you were to know when

530
00:36:07,000 --> 00:36:09,559
he was there by seeing his feet in the window,

531
00:36:10,000 --> 00:36:12,960
and give the signal when you saw him. It must

532
00:36:12,960 --> 00:36:16,000
have been a signal to somebody pretty far off, or

533
00:36:16,000 --> 00:36:18,320
he wouldn't have chosen so loud an instrument as a

534
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:22,679
B flat trombone. I can play the B flat trombone

535
00:36:22,719 --> 00:36:26,440
louder as any man in the business, asserted schleeting with

536
00:36:26,599 --> 00:36:31,840
proud conviction. But what gets me, pursued average Jones, is

537
00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:35,840
the purpose of the signal. Whom was it for? I

538
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:39,119
don't know nothing, said the other complacently. I only know

539
00:36:39,199 --> 00:36:42,119
how to play the B flat trombone louder as any

540
00:36:42,159 --> 00:36:46,599
man in the world. Average Jones paid him a lump sum,

541
00:36:46,800 --> 00:36:50,079
dismissed him, and returned to the Cosmic Club, there to

542
00:36:50,159 --> 00:36:55,360
ponder the problem. What next to accuse Ransom, the mysterious

543
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:59,800
hirer of a B flat trombone virtuosity without sufficient proof

544
00:37:00,119 --> 00:37:02,760
upon which to base even a claim of cross examination,

545
00:37:03,559 --> 00:37:05,760
would be to block his own game. Then and there,

546
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:10,199
for Ransom could and very likely would go away, leaving

547
00:37:10,239 --> 00:37:14,639
no trace. Who was Ransom anyway, and what relation, if any,

548
00:37:14,679 --> 00:37:19,519
did he bear to Linder. Absorbed in these considerations, he

549
00:37:19,639 --> 00:37:22,119
failed to notice that the club was filling up beyond

550
00:37:22,159 --> 00:37:26,480
its wont A hand fell on his shoulder. Hello, Average,

551
00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:29,440
haven't seen you at a Saturday special night since you

552
00:37:29,519 --> 00:37:34,239
started your hobby. It was Bertram. What's on, Average Jones

553
00:37:34,280 --> 00:37:39,519
asked him, shaking hands. Freak concert Belwarding has trotted out

554
00:37:39,559 --> 00:37:43,039
part of his collection of medieval musical instruments, and some

555
00:37:43,119 --> 00:37:46,639
professionals are going to play them. Waldemar is at our table,

556
00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:50,719
Come and join us. Conversation at the round table was

557
00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:54,000
general and lively that evening, and not until the port

558
00:37:54,079 --> 00:37:58,079
came on The Prideful Club Port served only on special

559
00:37:58,119 --> 00:38:02,760
occasions and in wonderful delicate glasses. Did average Jones get

560
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:06,800
an opportunity to speak to Waldemar's side. I've been looking

561
00:38:06,800 --> 00:38:10,679
into that lender matter a little. Indeed, I've about given

562
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:14,519
up hope. You spoke of an old scandal in lender's career.

563
00:38:15,039 --> 00:38:20,199
What was the husband's name, our buthnot? I believe do

564
00:38:20,239 --> 00:38:23,159
you know what sort of looking man he was? No?

565
00:38:23,639 --> 00:38:28,760
I could find out from Washington? What was his business? Government? Employment?

566
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:36,000
I think in the scientific line, perhaps, drawled Jones? Why, yes,

567
00:38:36,159 --> 00:38:41,599
I believe it was. Hmm. Suppose now Linders should drop

568
00:38:41,639 --> 00:38:47,119
out of the combination. Who would be the most likely nominee? Marsden,

569
00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:51,039
the man I've been grooming for the place, A first class, honorable,

570
00:38:51,119 --> 00:38:54,840
fearless man. Well, it's only a chance, But if I

571
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:58,719
can get one dark point cleared up, he paused as

572
00:38:58,760 --> 00:39:01,840
a curious tingling now came from the platform where the

573
00:39:01,920 --> 00:39:06,880
musicians were tuning tip one of Bellarding's sweet dulcets. Observed Bertram.

574
00:39:08,199 --> 00:39:11,559
The performer nearest them, was a running a slow bass

575
00:39:11,599 --> 00:39:14,559
scale on a sort of two stringed horsepittle of a

576
00:39:14,599 --> 00:39:19,800
strange shape. Average Joanes, still untouched, glass almost full of

577
00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:23,960
the precious port, trembled and sang a little tentative response.

578
00:39:24,880 --> 00:39:28,639
Up up, up, mounted the thrilling notes in crescendo force.

579
00:39:30,039 --> 00:39:32,840
What a racking sort of tone. For all his sweetness,

580
00:39:33,119 --> 00:39:37,760
said average Jones. His delicate and fragile port glass evidently

581
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:42,440
shared the opinion, for without further warning, it split and shivered.

582
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:47,119
They used to show that experiment in the laboratory, said Bertram.

583
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:50,199
You must have just the accurate amount of liquid in

584
00:39:50,239 --> 00:39:53,760
the glass. Average move back, you lunatic. It's dripping all

585
00:39:53,800 --> 00:39:59,039
over you. But average Jones sat unheeding the liquor dribbled

586
00:39:59,079 --> 00:40:02,679
down into his lap. He kept his fascinated gaze fixed

587
00:40:02,760 --> 00:40:08,159
on a shattered glass. Bertram dabbed him with a napkin. Thanks,

588
00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:13,880
Bertram drawled the beneficiary of this attention, does it matter?

589
00:40:14,679 --> 00:40:19,519
Excuse me good night. Leaving his surprised companions, he took

590
00:40:19,599 --> 00:40:23,280
hat and cane and caught a third avenue car. By

591
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:25,719
the time he had reached Brooklyn Bridge, he had his

592
00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:29,760
campaign mapped out. It all depended upon the opening question.

593
00:40:30,559 --> 00:40:34,800
Average Jones decided to hit out and hit quick. At

594
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:37,400
the house near the navy Yard, he learned that his

595
00:40:37,519 --> 00:40:40,559
man was out, so he sat upon the front steps

596
00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:43,159
while one of the highest priced wines in New York,

597
00:40:43,280 --> 00:40:48,039
dried into his knees. Shortly before eleven, a shuffling figure

598
00:40:48,199 --> 00:40:52,599
paused at the steps, feeling for a key. Mister arbuthnot

599
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:59,199
otherwise Ransom, said Average Jones blandly. The man's chin jerked back,

600
00:40:59,559 --> 00:41:03,159
his jaw dropped. Would you like to hire another B

601
00:41:03,280 --> 00:41:07,719
flat trombonist, pursued the young man. Who are you? Gasped

602
00:41:07,760 --> 00:41:10,960
the other. What do you want? I want to know?

603
00:41:11,320 --> 00:41:17,239
Drawled average Jones. How you planted the glass bulb, the

604
00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:20,559
sulfuric glass bulb you know, in the chair that you

605
00:41:20,719 --> 00:41:26,320
sent to the Honorable William Linder, so that it wouldn't

606
00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:29,480
be shattered by anything but the middle C note of

607
00:41:29,519 --> 00:41:34,360
a B flat trombone. The man sat down weakly and

608
00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,920
bowed his face in his hands. Presently, he looked up.

609
00:41:39,159 --> 00:41:43,000
I don't care, he said, come inside. At the end

610
00:41:43,039 --> 00:41:47,639
of an hour's talk, Arbuthnot alias Ransom agreed to everything.

611
00:41:47,679 --> 00:41:52,000
At Average Jones proposed, mind you, he said, I don't

612
00:41:52,039 --> 00:41:55,519
promise I won't kill him later, but meantime it'll be

613
00:41:55,559 --> 00:41:59,039
some satisfaction to put him down and out politically. You

614
00:41:59,079 --> 00:42:01,639
can find me here any time you want me. You

615
00:42:01,760 --> 00:42:06,559
say you'll see Linder tomorrow. Tomorrow, said average Jones. Look

616
00:42:06,599 --> 00:42:10,719
in the next day's paper for the result, setting his

617
00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:15,400
telephone receiver down. The Honorable William Linder lost himself in conjecture.

618
00:42:16,199 --> 00:42:19,000
He had just given an appointment to his tried and

619
00:42:19,079 --> 00:42:24,559
true but quite impersonal enemy, mister Horace Waldemar. What can

620
00:42:24,639 --> 00:42:27,760
Waldemar want of me? Ran his thoughts. And who is

621
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:34,800
this friend Jones that he's bringing Jones? Jones, Jones. He

622
00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:39,199
tried it in three different accents, without extracting any particular meaning.

623
00:42:39,239 --> 00:42:44,199
Therefrom nothing much in the political game. He decided. It

624
00:42:44,320 --> 00:42:47,159
was with a mingling of gruffness and dignity that he

625
00:42:47,199 --> 00:42:51,280
greeted mister Waldemar an hour later. The introduction to average

626
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:55,159
Jones he acknowledged with a curt nod. Want a job

627
00:42:55,199 --> 00:42:58,719
for this young man? Waldemar, he grunted, not at present,

628
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:02,440
thank you, returned the newspaper owner. Mister Jones has a

629
00:43:02,440 --> 00:43:07,400
few arguments to present to you. Arguments, repeated the Honorable

630
00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:14,079
William Lender contemptuously. What kind of arguments political arguments mayoralty

631
00:43:14,159 --> 00:43:19,000
to be specific? To be more specific, still, arguments showing

632
00:43:19,079 --> 00:43:23,480
why you should drop out of the race pinfeather reformer A.

633
00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:28,239
The politician turned to meet average Jones's steady gaze and

634
00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:34,199
mildly inquiring smile. Do you know anything of submarine minds,

635
00:43:34,199 --> 00:43:39,920
mister Linder drawl the visitor, huh, return the Honorable William

636
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:46,039
Lender startled. Submarine minds, explained the other minds in the sea.

637
00:43:46,519 --> 00:43:49,760
If you wish words of one syllable the lives of

638
00:43:49,800 --> 00:43:53,880
the Honorable Lender contracted, You're in the wrong joint, he said.

639
00:43:54,119 --> 00:43:58,800
This ain't the Naval College. Thank you. A submarine mind

640
00:43:58,880 --> 00:44:03,480
is a very ingenious I've recently been reading somewhat extensively

641
00:44:03,519 --> 00:44:07,199
on the subject. The main charge is some high explosive,

642
00:44:07,719 --> 00:44:10,920
usually of the dynamite type. Above it is a small

643
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:15,840
jar of sulfuric acid. Teeth working on levers surround this jar.

644
00:44:16,880 --> 00:44:20,480
The levers project outside the mine. When a ship strikes

645
00:44:20,519 --> 00:44:22,800
the mine, one or more of the levers are pressed

646
00:44:22,840 --> 00:44:26,800
in the teeth crushed the jar. The sulfuric acid drops

647
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:29,840
upon the main charge and explodes it. Do you follow me?

648
00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:33,639
I'll follow you as far as the front door, said

649
00:44:33,679 --> 00:44:38,280
the politician balefully. He rose if the charge were in

650
00:44:38,320 --> 00:44:41,679
a chair and the cushion of an easy chair, will say,

651
00:44:42,159 --> 00:44:45,760
on the third floor of a house in Brooklyn, the

652
00:44:45,800 --> 00:44:50,480
Honorable William Linder sat down again. He sat heavily. The

653
00:44:50,639 --> 00:44:54,000
problem would be somewhat different. Of course. It would be

654
00:44:54,000 --> 00:44:56,480
easy to arrange that the first person to sit down

655
00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:59,559
in the chair would, by his own weight, blow himself up.

656
00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:02,719
But the first person might not be the right person.

657
00:45:02,760 --> 00:45:06,920
You know, do you still follow me? The Honorable William

658
00:45:06,960 --> 00:45:10,760
Lynder made a remark, like a fish. Now we have

659
00:45:11,079 --> 00:45:15,159
if you will forgive my profossorial method, continued Average Jones.

660
00:45:15,719 --> 00:45:18,400
A chair sent to a gentleman of prominence from an

661
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:22,280
anonymous source. In this chair is a charge of high

662
00:45:22,360 --> 00:45:26,400
explosive and above it a glass bulb containing sulfuric acid.

663
00:45:27,239 --> 00:45:30,480
The ball, we will assume, is so safeguarded as to

664
00:45:30,519 --> 00:45:34,639
resist any ordinary shock of moving. But when this gentleman,

665
00:45:34,760 --> 00:45:37,559
sitting at ease in his chair is noticed by a

666
00:45:37,599 --> 00:45:41,800
trombonist placed for that purpose in the street below, the

667
00:45:42,079 --> 00:45:45,840
dutch horn player, cried the politician. Then it was him,

668
00:45:46,199 --> 00:45:50,199
and I'll only an innocent tool, interrupted Average Jones. In

669
00:45:50,239 --> 00:45:53,760
his turn, he had no comprehension of what he was doing.

670
00:45:54,599 --> 00:45:57,920
He didn't understand that the vibration from his trombone on

671
00:45:57,920 --> 00:46:01,239
one particular note, by the slide of the scale, as

672
00:46:01,280 --> 00:46:04,239
in the chorus of Egypt, would shiver that glass and

673
00:46:04,280 --> 00:46:07,400
set off the charge. All that he knew was to

674
00:46:07,400 --> 00:46:11,679
play the B flat trombone and take his pay his pay.

675
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:15,760
The question leaped to the politician's lips. Who paid him?

676
00:46:16,679 --> 00:46:22,480
A man named arbuthnot drawled Average Jones. Linders's eyes did

677
00:46:22,519 --> 00:46:25,880
not drop, but a film seemed to be drawn over them.

678
00:46:26,599 --> 00:46:31,880
You once knew a missus Arbuthnut the thick shoulders quivered

679
00:46:31,920 --> 00:46:37,239
a little. Her husband, her widower, is in Brooklyn. Shall

680
00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:39,800
I push the argument any further to convince you that

681
00:46:39,840 --> 00:46:44,199
you'd better drop out of the mayoralty race? Linda recovered

682
00:46:44,280 --> 00:46:47,480
himself a little. What kind of game are you ringing

683
00:46:47,519 --> 00:46:51,920
in on me? He demanded, don't you think? Suggested average

684
00:46:51,960 --> 00:46:57,000
Jones sweetly. That considered as news this Linders caught the

685
00:46:57,000 --> 00:47:00,880
word out of his mouth. News. He roared a fake story,

686
00:47:00,960 --> 00:47:04,920
ten years old news at a news it's spite work.

687
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:08,639
Even your dirty paper Waldemar wouldn't rake that kind of

688
00:47:08,719 --> 00:47:12,280
muck up after ten years. It'd be a boomerang. You'll

689
00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:14,400
have to put up a stronger line of blackmail and

690
00:47:14,480 --> 00:47:19,840
bluff than that. Blackmail is perhaps the correct word, technically,

691
00:47:20,360 --> 00:47:24,039
admitted the newspaper owner. But bluff there you go wrong.

692
00:47:24,719 --> 00:47:27,960
You've forgotten one thing that our buf knots arrest and

693
00:47:28,079 --> 00:47:32,400
confession would make the whole story news. We stand ready

694
00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:35,559
to arrest our buff Knot, and he stands ready to confess.

695
00:47:36,960 --> 00:47:40,760
There was a long, tense minute of silence. Then what

696
00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:43,719
do you want? The straight to the point question was

697
00:47:43,760 --> 00:47:48,079
an admission of defeat, your announcement of withdrawal. I'd rather

698
00:47:48,119 --> 00:47:54,000
print that than the arbuffknot story. There was a long silence. Finally,

699
00:47:54,079 --> 00:47:57,960
the honorable lender dropped his hand on the table. You win,

700
00:47:58,159 --> 00:48:01,199
he declared curtly. But you'll give me the benefit in

701
00:48:01,239 --> 00:48:04,280
the announcements of bad health caused by the shock of

702
00:48:04,320 --> 00:48:08,880
the explosion to explain my quitting Waldemar. It will certainly

703
00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:12,280
make it more plausible, assented the newspaper owner with a smile.

704
00:48:13,480 --> 00:48:17,239
Linda turned on average Jones. Did you dope this out,

705
00:48:17,280 --> 00:48:21,440
young fellow? He demanded, Yes, Well, you've put me in

706
00:48:21,519 --> 00:48:24,000
the down and out club, all right, and I'm just

707
00:48:24,079 --> 00:48:26,320
curious enough to want to know how you did it

708
00:48:27,280 --> 00:48:31,920
by abstaining returned average jones, cryptically from the best wine

709
00:48:31,920 --> 00:48:35,760
that ever came out of the Cosmic Club's cellar. End

710
00:48:35,840 --> 00:48:37,639
of the B flat trombone