WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.040 --> 00:00:02.279 Hi everyone, and welcome back to another podcast episode. My 2 00:00:02.359 --> 00:00:04.719 name is Lisha Gogin, the host of the Globe Secret Podcast, 3 00:00:04.879 --> 00:00:07.280 where I help you expand your mind and become more 4 00:00:07.280 --> 00:00:09.199 self aware that you can glow up into the best 5 00:00:09.240 --> 00:00:12.720 version of yourself. Hello everyone, and happy Sunday if you're 6 00:00:12.759 --> 00:00:16.600 listening to this on a Sunday. Today feels like spring 7 00:00:16.679 --> 00:00:19.519 for me. I think it feels like that because the 8 00:00:19.559 --> 00:00:23.480 sun has been out in Beaming, which we're in December, 9 00:00:23.679 --> 00:00:26.239 so there's been days where there hasn't been sun, so 10 00:00:26.600 --> 00:00:28.960 it always just kind of feels like renewed energy when 11 00:00:28.960 --> 00:00:31.440 the sun is out. And I have been feeling so 12 00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:36.079 much better from my current health situation that I am 13 00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:38.759 slowly getting back into the routine of things and just 14 00:00:38.759 --> 00:00:41.240 like waking up and my body is like just stronger 15 00:00:41.240 --> 00:00:42.679 than it has been in the past few weeks. So 16 00:00:42.679 --> 00:00:44.960 I'm feeling really good. So I hope to extend those 17 00:00:45.039 --> 00:00:47.719 vibes to you guys, and if those vibes are not 18 00:00:47.759 --> 00:00:50.320 gonna help, then maybe this episode is going to help. Okay, 19 00:00:50.439 --> 00:00:55.640 So we're going to talk about control and being a 20 00:00:55.640 --> 00:00:59.039 control freak now on Instagram, and if you don't follow 21 00:00:59.039 --> 00:01:01.520 me on Instagram, you should, Alicia Gogan. I also have 22 00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:03.840 a separate Instagram for the podcast where I post a 23 00:01:03.880 --> 00:01:05.760 lot of quotes, but I also post a lot of 24 00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:08.359 them on my stories. I'm mainly always finding them on 25 00:01:08.400 --> 00:01:10.799 Pinterest because that is where I spend a lot of 26 00:01:10.840 --> 00:01:13.079 my time online. But I shared this to my story 27 00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:15.519 and it said, the biggest lesson I learned this year 28 00:01:15.640 --> 00:01:20.200 is to not force anything. Conversations, friendships, relationships, attention, love, 29 00:01:20.359 --> 00:01:23.640 Anything forced is just not worth fighting for. Whatever flows flows, 30 00:01:23.760 --> 00:01:26.439 what crashes crashes, It is what it is, and that 31 00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:30.079 quote is the way that I move through life. It 32 00:01:30.200 --> 00:01:33.200 is my mindset. I feel it deeply within my core. 33 00:01:33.400 --> 00:01:35.439 And in this episode, I want to give you advice 34 00:01:35.480 --> 00:01:38.120 and talk about what has helped me be able to 35 00:01:38.200 --> 00:01:42.120 have that mindset, because I know not everyone is fully 36 00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:44.640 there yet. And it's not to say that I am 37 00:01:44.719 --> 00:01:47.719 like never wanting to control anything, and I don't have 38 00:01:47.760 --> 00:01:50.120 that part of me kind of like flare up at times, 39 00:01:50.519 --> 00:01:54.799 but I really do feel so just aligned to you know, 40 00:01:54.879 --> 00:01:57.519 you know what. I am not forcing a single thing. 41 00:01:57.959 --> 00:02:01.159 I am releasing control and it is seriously such a 42 00:02:01.239 --> 00:02:04.079 freeing feeling to be able to have the mindset of 43 00:02:04.120 --> 00:02:11.479 saying I'm not forcing a damn thing, whether it is love, opportunities, money, friendships, 44 00:02:11.919 --> 00:02:15.280 anything like. It really is the best feeling, but it 45 00:02:15.319 --> 00:02:17.680 takes some time to get there, so I want to 46 00:02:17.719 --> 00:02:22.159 talk about that essentially. So I realized I was such 47 00:02:22.159 --> 00:02:25.960 a control freak in my late teens and early twenties, 48 00:02:26.280 --> 00:02:29.439 which is kind of typical because you basically have to 49 00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:32.159 start taking more responsibility of your life, so you naturally 50 00:02:32.199 --> 00:02:34.159 have to take more control over your life. Now, not 51 00:02:34.199 --> 00:02:36.280 everyone is like that. Some people kind of go the opposite. 52 00:02:36.319 --> 00:02:39.319 They're very much so gut with the flow and not 53 00:02:39.439 --> 00:02:41.520 a type A personality. But obviously we're talking about the 54 00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:44.240 type A people today, Okay. But I started to realize 55 00:02:44.719 --> 00:02:48.759 there was a very big difference between me just taking 56 00:02:48.800 --> 00:02:53.120 responsibility of my life and being just mature and getting 57 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:56.120 all of my shit done and hitting goals, setting goals, 58 00:02:56.159 --> 00:03:00.000 and creating my dream life essentially in my late teens 59 00:02:59.840 --> 00:03:03.800 and into my twenties, and then this side of me 60 00:03:04.159 --> 00:03:08.800 that I started seeing manifest where it was just this 61 00:03:09.080 --> 00:03:14.240 energy of constantly ruminating on things and worrying about things 62 00:03:14.280 --> 00:03:18.919 and bringing things up and berating and over analyzing and 63 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:22.560 trying to control other people or control circumstances, and this 64 00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:27.680 obsession with outcomes and this attachment and this anxious attachment. 65 00:03:27.759 --> 00:03:30.159 I really started to see that manifest in my life, 66 00:03:30.199 --> 00:03:32.639 and I didn't really know what to do about that, 67 00:03:33.080 --> 00:03:35.680 but I did start to see it like manifest in 68 00:03:35.719 --> 00:03:37.800 my behaviors and the way that I was moving through life, 69 00:03:37.800 --> 00:03:40.360 and it started to really take over my life really, 70 00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:44.000 like every day I was kind of bound to this 71 00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:46.879 part of me that just wanted to control and obsess 72 00:03:47.039 --> 00:03:51.759 and just be so consumed by everything outside of me. 73 00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:54.400 I also knew it was getting bad when my mom 74 00:03:54.639 --> 00:03:57.039 would start to like say it out loud, being like, 75 00:03:57.080 --> 00:03:59.439 why are you worrying this much about this thing or 76 00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:02.599 that thing or YadA YadA, Like she started really reflecting 77 00:04:02.599 --> 00:04:04.919 that back to me, even a few people in my life. 78 00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:06.719 And once I started becoming aware of the fact that 79 00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:09.240 this is who I basically was, I didn't know what 80 00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:11.759 to do about it. And it really just became a 81 00:04:11.759 --> 00:04:14.879 part of my identity for so long, until it got 82 00:04:14.919 --> 00:04:17.959 to a point where it became so bad that it 83 00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:23.079 started manifesting in things like my day to day life, 84 00:04:23.079 --> 00:04:26.600 when it comes to planned when it comes to my diet, 85 00:04:26.959 --> 00:04:29.600 when it comes to my body image when it comes 86 00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:32.240 to work, like all of those things, and then you 87 00:04:32.360 --> 00:04:33.879 just get to a breaking point right where you get 88 00:04:33.879 --> 00:04:35.360 to a point where it's like I literally have an 89 00:04:35.439 --> 00:04:38.639 unhealthy relationship with food or on healthy relationship with money 90 00:04:38.800 --> 00:04:42.199 or career or relationships. I saw it in a relationship 91 00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:45.279 that I was in in like you know, this is 92 00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:48.360 probably twenty nineteen into twenty twenty, where I started to 93 00:04:48.399 --> 00:04:50.839 realize the dynamics and that relationship were very much so 94 00:04:50.959 --> 00:04:52.720 like I was in my masculine energy and I was, 95 00:04:53.639 --> 00:04:56.079 you know, not to say that I was a bad partner. 96 00:04:56.079 --> 00:04:59.279 I wasn't, but I could see myself really trying to 97 00:04:59.319 --> 00:05:03.879 control this guy. Mind you he was a little bit 98 00:05:04.399 --> 00:05:07.040 not so much of a man, so like there's that 99 00:05:07.120 --> 00:05:09.319 part of it. But anyways, I started to see it 100 00:05:09.360 --> 00:05:11.240 really be reflected in my life, and I was like, 101 00:05:12.040 --> 00:05:14.879 I do not want this to be my life anymore. 102 00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:19.079 It is such an unhealthy quality of life for you 103 00:05:19.240 --> 00:05:21.879 to always be in this because you know how it is, 104 00:05:21.959 --> 00:05:25.839 you wake up in the morning and you're like constantly 105 00:05:25.839 --> 00:05:28.000 worrying about things that have not happened yet, or you're 106 00:05:28.040 --> 00:05:30.720 so tied to a certain outcome that you're worried all 107 00:05:30.800 --> 00:05:33.439 day waiting to see if that outcome is going to happen, 108 00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:35.639 and then usually it doesn't happen, and then you go 109 00:05:35.720 --> 00:05:38.319 into that cycle again, or the constant fighting, or the 110 00:05:38.360 --> 00:05:42.360 constant you knowing that you're being that control freak and 111 00:05:42.399 --> 00:05:44.639 then seeing it reflected in your life like it's just 112 00:05:44.839 --> 00:05:46.759 it's not a good quality of life. But a huge 113 00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:50.399 part of what allowed me to change this dynamic with 114 00:05:50.480 --> 00:05:53.360 myself and how I move through life when it comes 115 00:05:53.399 --> 00:05:58.879 to controlling things is first seeing how this is a 116 00:05:59.279 --> 00:06:02.759 part of me, not all of me, but a part 117 00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:05.839 of me that is trying to keep myself safe. And 118 00:06:05.879 --> 00:06:08.240 you guys know, we were gonna go there. Okay, we're 119 00:06:08.279 --> 00:06:12.040 gonna go to parts work, We're gonna go to childhood 120 00:06:12.040 --> 00:06:15.720 in a way, we're gonna go to understanding why we 121 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:17.600 do the things that we do because it has always 122 00:06:17.600 --> 00:06:19.879 helped me be able to change my life when I 123 00:06:20.040 --> 00:06:22.360 understand why I'm doing the things that I'm doing, so 124 00:06:22.399 --> 00:06:24.560 that I can stop myself in those moments and be like, hey, 125 00:06:24.800 --> 00:06:26.759 I'm acting out of this place because of this, is 126 00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:28.839 there a different way that we can move in life? 127 00:06:28.879 --> 00:06:32.120 So obviously everyone's story is different, so when I'm sharing, 128 00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:35.439 I just hope that it will maybe get you to 129 00:06:35.480 --> 00:06:38.800 think about your life circumstance. So when I was moving 130 00:06:38.839 --> 00:06:42.560 out of my teen years into my twenties, like I said, 131 00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:45.399 it's a natural part of growing up to have to 132 00:06:45.439 --> 00:06:47.920 take more responsibility of your life and have to control things, 133 00:06:47.959 --> 00:06:53.160 and that's great, But during that time, there was a 134 00:06:53.279 --> 00:06:55.560 lot of unsafety in my life, Like there really was. 135 00:06:56.040 --> 00:07:00.120 Not only did I have a pretty unsafe feeling in 136 00:07:00.120 --> 00:07:03.519 my nervous system feeling without even realizing it childhood, I 137 00:07:03.560 --> 00:07:08.079 was navigating life without a father, but also my mother 138 00:07:08.199 --> 00:07:10.079 was going through her addictions as well. So some of 139 00:07:10.120 --> 00:07:13.480 those really important times that I needed her or I 140 00:07:13.600 --> 00:07:16.519 needed a parent to teach me how to do things, 141 00:07:17.040 --> 00:07:19.920 or to build confidence within myself, or just to not 142 00:07:20.040 --> 00:07:23.240 worry about my mother's safety, those things were not really 143 00:07:23.240 --> 00:07:26.439 granted to me. And so it is no wonder that 144 00:07:26.639 --> 00:07:30.079 I started to become this control freak in terms of 145 00:07:30.439 --> 00:07:33.839 trying to make sure that things in my life were 146 00:07:33.920 --> 00:07:36.319 going to be predictable, because there are so many things 147 00:07:36.360 --> 00:07:38.800 in my life that were not predictable. And as human beings, 148 00:07:38.839 --> 00:07:41.199 that's what we're looking for. We're looking for safety, we're 149 00:07:41.240 --> 00:07:43.720 looking for predictability. It is not a bad thing that 150 00:07:43.720 --> 00:07:45.399 that is what we would want in our lives, but 151 00:07:45.519 --> 00:07:51.399 this heightened level of unpredictability, it creates a heightened level 152 00:07:51.480 --> 00:07:54.680 of wanting to control things because it is unbearable. It 153 00:07:54.759 --> 00:07:57.720 really is sometimes unbearable to not know answers, you know, 154 00:07:57.800 --> 00:08:00.959 to have no consistency, to have no protectability, to be 155 00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:04.199 worried about a parent every single day and their safety 156 00:08:04.279 --> 00:08:07.079 and are they coming home or you know, what's even 157 00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:09.399 going on. They're telling you one thing and they're doing another. 158 00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:12.399 Like there's a lot of things that kind of mess 159 00:08:12.439 --> 00:08:15.600 with your mind. And so what tends to happen is 160 00:08:15.959 --> 00:08:18.199 we have protector parts within us. And this is really 161 00:08:18.199 --> 00:08:21.759 stemming from internal family systems, therapy parts work therapy, and 162 00:08:21.800 --> 00:08:23.759 will link the book down below if you're interested in that, 163 00:08:23.800 --> 00:08:25.160 and I write about it in my book a lot. 164 00:08:25.279 --> 00:08:28.000 But essentially, when things happen to us in our lives, 165 00:08:28.279 --> 00:08:30.959 we create different parts of us to protect us, to 166 00:08:31.279 --> 00:08:34.720 be able to move through hard times in our lives 167 00:08:34.759 --> 00:08:36.440 or even good parts of our lives or whatever. We 168 00:08:36.480 --> 00:08:38.679 have all these different parts of us, and so one 169 00:08:38.799 --> 00:08:40.879 very big part of us is that protective part that's 170 00:08:40.919 --> 00:08:43.000 going to be like, you know what, Okay, I need 171 00:08:43.039 --> 00:08:46.320 to step in here because I feel like there is 172 00:08:46.440 --> 00:08:49.960 nothing predictable in our lives right now. There's nothing that 173 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:53.639 is safe, and internally we need to feel safe. You 174 00:08:53.639 --> 00:08:55.879 have to have some sort of sense of safety. So 175 00:08:56.200 --> 00:08:58.440 what I'm going to do is I'm going to see 176 00:08:58.480 --> 00:09:02.799 every single thing in my life as something that I 177 00:09:02.799 --> 00:09:06.840 can control. People, places, outcomes, situations. I Am going to 178 00:09:06.879 --> 00:09:10.039 try and figure out how I can control these things 179 00:09:10.200 --> 00:09:13.240 because that will keep me safe. If I sit here 180 00:09:13.320 --> 00:09:15.879 and just let things be, it will not be safe. 181 00:09:15.960 --> 00:09:18.840 If I don't call my mom and I just trust 182 00:09:18.919 --> 00:09:21.960 that she's going to come home, that's not going to 183 00:09:22.039 --> 00:09:24.679 be the case. That was not the case. Okay. So 184 00:09:25.120 --> 00:09:27.960 if I wanted to know and feel safe that my 185 00:09:28.039 --> 00:09:29.519 mom was coming home or I was going to hear 186 00:09:29.559 --> 00:09:30.879 from her, I had to be the one to go 187 00:09:30.919 --> 00:09:32.360 do that. I had to be the one to call 188 00:09:32.399 --> 00:09:35.000 her down one hundred times. If I needed financial security, 189 00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:37.120 I had to go take that action. If I wanted 190 00:09:37.159 --> 00:09:39.000 certain things in my life, I had to go and 191 00:09:39.039 --> 00:09:41.519 get it. And again that's not inherently a bad thing 192 00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:45.159 to do, but again, when you are in the cycle 193 00:09:45.200 --> 00:09:48.039 of doing it, all the time. That's obviously when it 194 00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:51.840 becomes an issue because realistically, you can't control every aspect. 195 00:09:51.879 --> 00:09:54.080 You don't always know the outcome, and you have to 196 00:09:54.159 --> 00:09:55.960 learn how to be resilient through the times where you 197 00:09:56.080 --> 00:09:59.200 just don't know. And so I look at the part 198 00:09:59.200 --> 00:10:02.960 of me that is that control freak as a part 199 00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:06.679 of me that was created in those years of my life, 200 00:10:07.279 --> 00:10:11.440 and she was really just trying to protect me, and 201 00:10:11.799 --> 00:10:15.080 it is not actually who I am as a being. 202 00:10:15.679 --> 00:10:18.519 It is just a part of me that actually just 203 00:10:18.519 --> 00:10:21.039 tried to keep me safe. And I actually think that 204 00:10:21.120 --> 00:10:24.440 part of me and there were many instances where she 205 00:10:24.519 --> 00:10:26.799 did keep me safe and that was the only way 206 00:10:26.840 --> 00:10:29.399 I learned how to feel safe. And I think that 207 00:10:29.639 --> 00:10:34.200 if you can give yourself compassion and grace and to 208 00:10:34.320 --> 00:10:38.039 see how there was a point in your life where 209 00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:40.919 this part was created, it will be easier for you 210 00:10:41.080 --> 00:10:43.919 to move through the next phase of your life. Because 211 00:10:43.919 --> 00:10:45.960 the truth is this, if you want to step into 212 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:47.799 a new version of you, which is the person who 213 00:10:47.919 --> 00:10:51.240 is not such a control freak, not only is that 214 00:10:51.240 --> 00:10:54.480 part of you with you, and she or he whoever 215 00:10:55.200 --> 00:10:58.759 is not actually really gonna leave. Like you kind of 216 00:10:58.799 --> 00:11:00.519 know this you've been trying to probably get rid of 217 00:11:00.519 --> 00:11:01.919 this part of you for a while now, or you 218 00:11:01.960 --> 00:11:03.399 just don't know how to work with it. But it's 219 00:11:03.519 --> 00:11:06.000 just going to be a lot more difficult for you 220 00:11:06.720 --> 00:11:09.080 to embody a new version of you when you are 221 00:11:09.080 --> 00:11:12.039 in constant resistance of different parts of you that actually 222 00:11:12.120 --> 00:11:14.240 kept you safe in your life. And when it comes 223 00:11:14.279 --> 00:11:18.360 to change personal growth, it's not about seeing the way 224 00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:20.200 that you did this thing or that thing, or this 225 00:11:20.279 --> 00:11:22.159 part of you or that part of you and ridding it. 226 00:11:22.279 --> 00:11:25.840 It takes way more energy and way more time, and 227 00:11:25.879 --> 00:11:28.759 you end up getting back to square one by you 228 00:11:28.840 --> 00:11:31.799 doing that. And I personally have learned in my life 229 00:11:31.960 --> 00:11:35.320 the way that I actually change is creating integration and 230 00:11:35.480 --> 00:11:38.360 understanding why I do the things that I do with 231 00:11:38.480 --> 00:11:42.159 love and compassion and understanding and to nurture some of 232 00:11:42.200 --> 00:11:45.519 these parts of me as well while also uncovering who 233 00:11:45.679 --> 00:11:49.039 authentically I am outside of the part of me that 234 00:11:49.159 --> 00:11:51.559 was just trying to protect me. Because this is not 235 00:11:52.039 --> 00:11:54.279 who I am supposed to be for the entirety of 236 00:11:54.279 --> 00:11:56.799 my life. We know this. We're not supposed to just 237 00:11:56.840 --> 00:11:59.039 be the control freak all of our lives. We know this. 238 00:11:59.320 --> 00:12:00.960 We get to a point where we kind of have 239 00:12:01.080 --> 00:12:03.320 to face this part of us and say, all right, 240 00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:08.120 I'm ready to see you. What do you need instead 241 00:12:08.120 --> 00:12:09.799 of me being like, oh my god, you're such a 242 00:12:09.799 --> 00:12:11.519 control freak. I hate this part of you. Get rid 243 00:12:11.519 --> 00:12:12.799 of it, Get rid of it, get rid of it. 244 00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:15.759 That doesn't work. We know that. So anytime that I 245 00:12:15.799 --> 00:12:18.200 am aware that I am going into this part of 246 00:12:18.240 --> 00:12:20.759 me that wants to control, wants to attach to outcome, 247 00:12:20.840 --> 00:12:23.679 it's hyperfixating, it's being anxious, I really like to stop 248 00:12:23.720 --> 00:12:28.000 myself in these moments and recognize that, Okay, there's this 249 00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:32.519 part of me that teen into her early twenties right now, Alicia, 250 00:12:32.559 --> 00:12:35.120 that that old version of me she's coming online right now, 251 00:12:35.600 --> 00:12:40.679 she's still stuck in that consciousness, that trauma, that fight 252 00:12:40.759 --> 00:12:44.679 or flights. Okay, that's her experience. She's stuck there right now, 253 00:12:44.720 --> 00:12:47.039 and now she feels like whatever's happening in her life 254 00:12:47.080 --> 00:12:49.120 right now, she has to respond from that place. And 255 00:12:49.159 --> 00:12:52.159 I'm gonna hold her hand as this new version of me. 256 00:12:52.360 --> 00:12:54.000 So again I'm not looking at her and saying you 257 00:12:54.039 --> 00:12:56.679 shouldn't be feeling like this, but I'm also not allowing 258 00:12:56.679 --> 00:13:00.159 her to take over my entirety of my life. I'm saying, hey, okay, 259 00:13:00.240 --> 00:13:02.159 I'm going to hold your hand here, and we're gonna 260 00:13:02.159 --> 00:13:04.639 explore this situation together right now. We're gonna be a 261 00:13:04.679 --> 00:13:07.000 little bit more mindful about what's happening right now. And 262 00:13:07.080 --> 00:13:11.399 I really like to speak some words of wisdom into 263 00:13:11.960 --> 00:13:14.519 my younger part, because this is how I look at it. 264 00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:20.120 My younger part is only okay with a certain circumstance. 265 00:13:20.639 --> 00:13:24.480 She only wants one outcome. Usually she has a very 266 00:13:24.519 --> 00:13:29.519 small lens in which things can be presented. It is 267 00:13:29.559 --> 00:13:32.000 not her fault, but that's just what she's stuck on. 268 00:13:32.279 --> 00:13:35.000 But the wise part of me knows and likes to 269 00:13:35.039 --> 00:13:38.080 remind her that the reason why you are feeling so 270 00:13:38.159 --> 00:13:41.159 much of that anxiety you know, of that control like 271 00:13:41.200 --> 00:13:43.840 being control for you genuinely, you basically live a life 272 00:13:43.840 --> 00:13:48.000 of just constant like waiting and wondering and obsession is 273 00:13:48.039 --> 00:13:50.720 because you are so attached to the way it needs 274 00:13:50.759 --> 00:13:54.639 to be. And if you had a more broader sense 275 00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:58.080 of how things could play out, if you allowed yourself 276 00:13:58.120 --> 00:14:01.480 that room, you wouldn't be feeling so much of that 277 00:14:01.559 --> 00:14:05.360 anxiety because you don't have this tie to that expectation 278 00:14:05.519 --> 00:14:07.679 as much as you used to. So instead of just 279 00:14:07.840 --> 00:14:10.799 operating out of that one lens, how can we basically 280 00:14:11.000 --> 00:14:13.519 merge the two? And when I mean merge the two again, 281 00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:16.279 it's to acknowledge that we have that young part that 282 00:14:16.360 --> 00:14:19.279 wants to feel safe by controlling, but the wise part 283 00:14:19.279 --> 00:14:21.360 of you, the wise part of me, likes to take 284 00:14:21.360 --> 00:14:24.120 a step back and say, Okay, outside of me operating 285 00:14:24.159 --> 00:14:27.159 out of this trauma, operating out of controlling the situation 286 00:14:27.200 --> 00:14:30.320 where I know it just leads me nowhere, what is 287 00:14:30.519 --> 00:14:35.080 this circumstance actually calling me to see? And or what 288 00:14:35.360 --> 00:14:39.879 lesson am I needing to learn in this circumstance? Right now? 289 00:14:39.919 --> 00:14:43.759 It's not about how can I control it? It's what 290 00:14:43.919 --> 00:14:46.360 is the lesson from this thing? So I'm going to 291 00:14:46.399 --> 00:14:50.480 give you some examples and maybe small little practices that 292 00:14:50.519 --> 00:14:54.039 you can implement in your life to basically train yourself 293 00:14:54.399 --> 00:14:56.960 how to be less in control. I also want to 294 00:14:56.960 --> 00:15:01.240 talk about the beauty of releasing control and how you 295 00:15:01.279 --> 00:15:03.720 can gain so much more than you actually think once 296 00:15:03.759 --> 00:15:07.600 you move from this one consciousness of who you used 297 00:15:07.600 --> 00:15:11.720 to be into an integrated, very wise part of you. 298 00:15:11.879 --> 00:15:15.000 So what I have found is anything that I am 299 00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:20.320 trying to attach to or control. It's always just the 300 00:15:20.440 --> 00:15:23.559 lesson that I keep running away from. So for me personally, 301 00:15:23.840 --> 00:15:27.840 I am a huge perfectionist. I've had to learn to 302 00:15:27.960 --> 00:15:33.639 extend empathy and grace and compassion to others and even myself, vulnerability, flexibility, 303 00:15:33.720 --> 00:15:36.279 all of those lessons. You know, it's basically like you 304 00:15:36.440 --> 00:15:38.240 having to learn the opposite of who you are. So 305 00:15:38.279 --> 00:15:41.200 let's talk about building resilience. So let's say you were 306 00:15:41.240 --> 00:15:45.519 facing an unexpected challenge or a financial setback, or just 307 00:15:45.559 --> 00:15:49.759 something that's very distressing. Typically what happens is you start worrying, 308 00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:53.080 you start complaining about it, you start thinking about all 309 00:15:53.080 --> 00:15:58.279 the negatives, just all of these things that don't get 310 00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:01.799 you anywhere, but basically your nervous system going right into 311 00:16:01.799 --> 00:16:04.039 fight or flight, and then you start acting. You know, 312 00:16:04.240 --> 00:16:07.440 not crazy, but you act out of that place, which 313 00:16:07.519 --> 00:16:10.240 doesn't really get you anywhere. But what the situation is 314 00:16:10.279 --> 00:16:14.720 really teaching you is how to better navigate uncertainty and 315 00:16:14.759 --> 00:16:17.159 your ability to adapt and recover. So you could ask 316 00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:20.159 yourself things like what resources or inner strengths can I 317 00:16:20.279 --> 00:16:23.559 draw on to move through this right now? This response 318 00:16:23.879 --> 00:16:28.759 is more of a surrendering of acceptance, of looking at 319 00:16:28.759 --> 00:16:31.519 the situation for what it is and saying hmm, how 320 00:16:31.559 --> 00:16:35.759 can I work with this instead of resist it? Right, 321 00:16:35.960 --> 00:16:38.320 if there's something distressing in your life when you're doing 322 00:16:38.399 --> 00:16:41.600 the controlling thing, what you're doing is you're actually resisting it. 323 00:16:41.960 --> 00:16:44.759 You're pushing it away. I can't have it. I don't 324 00:16:44.799 --> 00:16:46.360 know how to do it. I don't know how to 325 00:16:46.440 --> 00:16:50.000 navigate this. That is not true. You actually do another 326 00:16:50.039 --> 00:16:53.120 one learning patients, Let's say you're waiting for a text back, 327 00:16:53.279 --> 00:16:56.000 or you're waiting for a job application to be approved, 328 00:16:56.120 --> 00:16:59.840 or news or whatever the case is. You could move 329 00:16:59.879 --> 00:17:04.119 in to your control, your younger part of you where 330 00:17:04.200 --> 00:17:06.960 it is very much so like you can't wait for 331 00:17:07.000 --> 00:17:09.119 the tax, so you double tax, you trible text, you ask, 332 00:17:09.160 --> 00:17:11.440 you keep rating, or you keep following up one hundred 333 00:17:11.480 --> 00:17:13.880 million times, or you're just stressed all day to the 334 00:17:13.880 --> 00:17:16.599 point where you're not even living your normal life and 335 00:17:16.880 --> 00:17:19.000 you're kind of being unhappy, and then you're worrying like 336 00:17:19.039 --> 00:17:22.359 always going to the negative circumstance and outcome this situation 337 00:17:22.519 --> 00:17:25.079 right now and is trying to teach you how to 338 00:17:25.359 --> 00:17:28.960 trust the timing of your life. It is trying to 339 00:17:29.000 --> 00:17:32.359 teach you how to let things unfold naturally, without forcing, 340 00:17:32.440 --> 00:17:34.799 without needing an answer. So you could be asking yourself, 341 00:17:34.839 --> 00:17:38.200 what can I do to remain present right now? How 342 00:17:38.240 --> 00:17:40.920 can I use this time to grow? What can I 343 00:17:41.039 --> 00:17:43.799 do in this period of time as I am waiting? 344 00:17:43.880 --> 00:17:46.119 And this is essentially how I look at most things 345 00:17:46.119 --> 00:17:50.759 in life. When anything distresses me, triggers me, makes me 346 00:17:51.079 --> 00:17:55.200 emotional or anxiety ridden, I honor the part of me 347 00:17:56.039 --> 00:18:00.279 that feels like that because it is basically track in 348 00:18:00.279 --> 00:18:02.640 my nervous system as something that has happened in the 349 00:18:02.680 --> 00:18:06.279 past that's probably very real. But also to see how 350 00:18:07.000 --> 00:18:10.039 whatever the thing is coming up right now, this is 351 00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:13.920 a moment for me to respond differently. This is a 352 00:18:14.119 --> 00:18:16.640 lesson that is going to allow me to become a 353 00:18:16.680 --> 00:18:19.039 new version of me. I am going to get a 354 00:18:19.079 --> 00:18:23.759 new outcome in my life if I respond differently. This setback, 355 00:18:24.319 --> 00:18:28.000 this confusion, this not being able to control it, but 356 00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:31.240 trying to but still not being able to. There's something 357 00:18:31.359 --> 00:18:35.400 here that is a part of my journey. So over 358 00:18:35.440 --> 00:18:37.880 the years I have had to learn how to implement 359 00:18:37.880 --> 00:18:40.839 small little practices throughout my life depending on what I 360 00:18:40.880 --> 00:18:43.880 would control or like, how I would let that manifest 361 00:18:43.960 --> 00:18:46.480 out and practice releasing in order for me to be 362 00:18:46.519 --> 00:18:49.359 able to strengthen that muscle of being able to actually 363 00:18:49.400 --> 00:18:51.720 not act right out of that control part of me. 364 00:18:51.880 --> 00:18:54.480 So I will give you like a few ideas, but 365 00:18:54.559 --> 00:18:56.160 of course it is going to be very dependent on 366 00:18:56.200 --> 00:18:58.039 what you are trying to control. But at the end 367 00:18:58.079 --> 00:19:01.000 of the day, it takes practice. Okay, you're not gonna 368 00:19:01.000 --> 00:19:03.799 wake up tomorrow and all of a sudden never want 369 00:19:03.799 --> 00:19:06.240 to control anything, because again, that part of you is 370 00:19:06.279 --> 00:19:09.960 still within you. So doing things small and really taking 371 00:19:10.000 --> 00:19:12.920 something that you know is kind of the most detrimental 372 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:16.640 to your life right now and slowly kind of breaking 373 00:19:16.680 --> 00:19:21.319 it down and practicing no longer holding such a tight 374 00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:24.160 grip on that, even if it's not fully is going 375 00:19:24.240 --> 00:19:27.400 to be the thing that allows you to eventually release 376 00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:29.319 more of that control. You're gonna see yourself let that 377 00:19:29.359 --> 00:19:31.240 go more in your life. Some of these examples have 378 00:19:31.319 --> 00:19:35.319 to do with confidence, relationships, the way you move through life. 379 00:19:35.319 --> 00:19:38.680 But releasing control can look like, you know, let's say 380 00:19:38.920 --> 00:19:42.640 you aren't having the best body image day or just 381 00:19:42.680 --> 00:19:45.000 like physical appearance day, but you have to go out 382 00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:48.279 for an event or something. A practice you can do 383 00:19:48.400 --> 00:19:52.839 for yourself is allowing yourself to go out knowing, yeah, 384 00:19:53.000 --> 00:19:56.119 I actually do not look perfect today, and it's fine. 385 00:19:56.160 --> 00:19:58.119 It is actually not going to be the end of 386 00:19:58.160 --> 00:20:02.119 the world if I I don't look exactly the way 387 00:20:02.119 --> 00:20:05.559 that I want. But you have to allow yourself to 388 00:20:05.720 --> 00:20:07.960 play with that idea in your mind, right, Like the 389 00:20:08.000 --> 00:20:12.200 worst case scenario, will I be okay if I go 390 00:20:12.319 --> 00:20:14.480 out and my hair is not exactly the way that 391 00:20:14.519 --> 00:20:18.880 I want. Well, let's see, let's play it out. Maybe 392 00:20:18.920 --> 00:20:22.559 there'll be somebody who says something, or maybe I won't 393 00:20:22.720 --> 00:20:24.519 get the person that I really want. But then it's 394 00:20:24.519 --> 00:20:26.720 also like, if that person says something, or if I 395 00:20:26.720 --> 00:20:28.319 don't get the person that I really want or the 396 00:20:28.359 --> 00:20:30.359 attention that I want, is that really aligned to me? 397 00:20:30.519 --> 00:20:33.400 You really have to question those worst case scenarios and 398 00:20:33.480 --> 00:20:36.480 see how it really is coming from that small, minute 399 00:20:36.519 --> 00:20:39.359 part of you that has a small way of looking 400 00:20:39.400 --> 00:20:41.799 at life, and it's just not really expansive for you 401 00:20:41.880 --> 00:20:45.640