Speaker 1: Hi everyone, and welcome back to another podcast episode. My
Speaker 1: name is Lisha Gogin, the host of the Globe Secret Podcast,
Speaker 1: where I help you expand your mind and become more
Speaker 1: self aware that you can glow up into the best
Speaker 1: version of yourself. Hello everyone, and happy Sunday if you're
Speaker 1: listening to this on a Sunday. Today feels like spring
Speaker 1: for me. I think it feels like that because the
Speaker 1: sun has been out in Beaming, which we're in December,
Speaker 1: so there's been days where there hasn't been sun, so
Speaker 1: it always just kind of feels like renewed energy when
Speaker 1: the sun is out. And I have been feeling so
Speaker 1: much better from my current health situation that I am
Speaker 1: slowly getting back into the routine of things and just
Speaker 1: like waking up and my body is like just stronger
Speaker 1: than it has been in the past few weeks. So
Speaker 1: I'm feeling really good. So I hope to extend those
Speaker 1: vibes to you guys, and if those vibes are not
Speaker 1: gonna help, then maybe this episode is going to help. Okay,
Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about control and being a
Speaker 1: control freak now on Instagram, and if you don't follow
Speaker 1: me on Instagram, you should, Alicia Gogan. I also have
Speaker 1: a separate Instagram for the podcast where I post a
Speaker 1: lot of quotes, but I also post a lot of
Speaker 1: them on my stories. I'm mainly always finding them on
Speaker 1: Pinterest because that is where I spend a lot of
Speaker 1: my time online. But I shared this to my story
Speaker 1: and it said, the biggest lesson I learned this year
Speaker 1: is to not force anything. Conversations, friendships, relationships, attention, love,
Speaker 1: Anything forced is just not worth fighting for. Whatever flows flows,
Speaker 1: what crashes crashes, It is what it is, and that
Speaker 1: quote is the way that I move through life. It
Speaker 1: is my mindset. I feel it deeply within my core.
Speaker 1: And in this episode, I want to give you advice
Speaker 1: and talk about what has helped me be able to
Speaker 1: have that mindset, because I know not everyone is fully
Speaker 1: there yet. And it's not to say that I am
Speaker 1: like never wanting to control anything, and I don't have
Speaker 1: that part of me kind of like flare up at times,
Speaker 1: but I really do feel so just aligned to you know,
Speaker 1: you know what. I am not forcing a single thing.
Speaker 1: I am releasing control and it is seriously such a
Speaker 1: freeing feeling to be able to have the mindset of
Speaker 1: saying I'm not forcing a damn thing, whether it is love, opportunities, money, friendships,
Speaker 1: anything like. It really is the best feeling, but it
Speaker 1: takes some time to get there, so I want to
Speaker 1: talk about that essentially. So I realized I was such
Speaker 1: a control freak in my late teens and early twenties,
Speaker 1: which is kind of typical because you basically have to
Speaker 1: start taking more responsibility of your life, so you naturally
Speaker 1: have to take more control over your life. Now, not
Speaker 1: everyone is like that. Some people kind of go the opposite.
Speaker 1: They're very much so gut with the flow and not
Speaker 1: a type A personality. But obviously we're talking about the
Speaker 1: type A people today, Okay. But I started to realize
Speaker 1: there was a very big difference between me just taking
Speaker 1: responsibility of my life and being just mature and getting
Speaker 1: all of my shit done and hitting goals, setting goals,
Speaker 1: and creating my dream life essentially in my late teens
Speaker 1: and into my twenties, and then this side of me
Speaker 1: that I started seeing manifest where it was just this
Speaker 1: energy of constantly ruminating on things and worrying about things
Speaker 1: and bringing things up and berating and over analyzing and
Speaker 1: trying to control other people or control circumstances, and this
Speaker 1: obsession with outcomes and this attachment and this anxious attachment.
Speaker 1: I really started to see that manifest in my life,
Speaker 1: and I didn't really know what to do about that,
Speaker 1: but I did start to see it like manifest in
Speaker 1: my behaviors and the way that I was moving through life,
Speaker 1: and it started to really take over my life really,
Speaker 1: like every day I was kind of bound to this
Speaker 1: part of me that just wanted to control and obsess
Speaker 1: and just be so consumed by everything outside of me.
Speaker 1: I also knew it was getting bad when my mom
Speaker 1: would start to like say it out loud, being like,
Speaker 1: why are you worrying this much about this thing or
Speaker 1: that thing or YadA YadA, Like she started really reflecting
Speaker 1: that back to me, even a few people in my life.
Speaker 1: And once I started becoming aware of the fact that
Speaker 1: this is who I basically was, I didn't know what
Speaker 1: to do about it. And it really just became a
Speaker 1: part of my identity for so long, until it got
Speaker 1: to a point where it became so bad that it
Speaker 1: started manifesting in things like my day to day life,
Speaker 1: when it comes to planned when it comes to my diet,
Speaker 1: when it comes to my body image when it comes
Speaker 1: to work, like all of those things, and then you
Speaker 1: just get to a breaking point right where you get
Speaker 1: to a point where it's like I literally have an
Speaker 1: unhealthy relationship with food or on healthy relationship with money
Speaker 1: or career or relationships. I saw it in a relationship
Speaker 1: that I was in in like you know, this is
Speaker 1: probably twenty nineteen into twenty twenty, where I started to
Speaker 1: realize the dynamics and that relationship were very much so
Speaker 1: like I was in my masculine energy and I was,
Speaker 1: you know, not to say that I was a bad partner.
Speaker 1: I wasn't, but I could see myself really trying to
Speaker 1: control this guy. Mind you he was a little bit
Speaker 1: not so much of a man, so like there's that
Speaker 1: part of it. But anyways, I started to see it
Speaker 1: really be reflected in my life, and I was like,
Speaker 1: I do not want this to be my life anymore.
Speaker 1: It is such an unhealthy quality of life for you
Speaker 1: to always be in this because you know how it is,
Speaker 1: you wake up in the morning and you're like constantly
Speaker 1: worrying about things that have not happened yet, or you're
Speaker 1: so tied to a certain outcome that you're worried all
Speaker 1: day waiting to see if that outcome is going to happen,
Speaker 1: and then usually it doesn't happen, and then you go
Speaker 1: into that cycle again, or the constant fighting, or the
Speaker 1: constant you knowing that you're being that control freak and
Speaker 1: then seeing it reflected in your life like it's just
Speaker 1: it's not a good quality of life. But a huge
Speaker 1: part of what allowed me to change this dynamic with
Speaker 1: myself and how I move through life when it comes
Speaker 1: to controlling things is first seeing how this is a
Speaker 1: part of me, not all of me, but a part
Speaker 1: of me that is trying to keep myself safe. And
Speaker 1: you guys know, we were gonna go there. Okay, we're
Speaker 1: gonna go to parts work, We're gonna go to childhood
Speaker 1: in a way, we're gonna go to understanding why we
Speaker 1: do the things that we do because it has always
Speaker 1: helped me be able to change my life when I
Speaker 1: understand why I'm doing the things that I'm doing, so
Speaker 1: that I can stop myself in those moments and be like, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm acting out of this place because of this, is
Speaker 1: there a different way that we can move in life?
Speaker 1: So obviously everyone's story is different, so when I'm sharing,
Speaker 1: I just hope that it will maybe get you to
Speaker 1: think about your life circumstance. So when I was moving
Speaker 1: out of my teen years into my twenties, like I said,
Speaker 1: it's a natural part of growing up to have to
Speaker 1: take more responsibility of your life and have to control things,
Speaker 1: and that's great, But during that time, there was a
Speaker 1: lot of unsafety in my life, Like there really was.
Speaker 1: Not only did I have a pretty unsafe feeling in
Speaker 1: my nervous system feeling without even realizing it childhood, I
Speaker 1: was navigating life without a father, but also my mother
Speaker 1: was going through her addictions as well. So some of
Speaker 1: those really important times that I needed her or I
Speaker 1: needed a parent to teach me how to do things,
Speaker 1: or to build confidence within myself, or just to not
Speaker 1: worry about my mother's safety, those things were not really
Speaker 1: granted to me. And so it is no wonder that
Speaker 1: I started to become this control freak in terms of
Speaker 1: trying to make sure that things in my life were
Speaker 1: going to be predictable, because there are so many things
Speaker 1: in my life that were not predictable. And as human beings,
Speaker 1: that's what we're looking for. We're looking for safety, we're
Speaker 1: looking for predictability. It is not a bad thing that
Speaker 1: that is what we would want in our lives, but
Speaker 1: this heightened level of unpredictability, it creates a heightened level
Speaker 1: of wanting to control things because it is unbearable. It
Speaker 1: really is sometimes unbearable to not know answers, you know,
Speaker 1: to have no consistency, to have no protectability, to be
Speaker 1: worried about a parent every single day and their safety
Speaker 1: and are they coming home or you know, what's even
Speaker 1: going on. They're telling you one thing and they're doing another.
Speaker 1: Like there's a lot of things that kind of mess
Speaker 1: with your mind. And so what tends to happen is
Speaker 1: we have protector parts within us. And this is really
Speaker 1: stemming from internal family systems, therapy parts work therapy, and
Speaker 1: will link the book down below if you're interested in that,
Speaker 1: and I write about it in my book a lot.
Speaker 1: But essentially, when things happen to us in our lives,
Speaker 1: we create different parts of us to protect us, to
Speaker 1: be able to move through hard times in our lives
Speaker 1: or even good parts of our lives or whatever. We
Speaker 1: have all these different parts of us, and so one
Speaker 1: very big part of us is that protective part that's
Speaker 1: going to be like, you know what, Okay, I need
Speaker 1: to step in here because I feel like there is
Speaker 1: nothing predictable in our lives right now. There's nothing that
Speaker 1: is safe, and internally we need to feel safe. You
Speaker 1: have to have some sort of sense of safety. So
Speaker 1: what I'm going to do is I'm going to see
Speaker 1: every single thing in my life as something that I
Speaker 1: can control. People, places, outcomes, situations. I Am going to
Speaker 1: try and figure out how I can control these things
Speaker 1: because that will keep me safe. If I sit here
Speaker 1: and just let things be, it will not be safe.
Speaker 1: If I don't call my mom and I just trust
Speaker 1: that she's going to come home, that's not going to
Speaker 1: be the case. That was not the case. Okay. So
Speaker 1: if I wanted to know and feel safe that my
Speaker 1: mom was coming home or I was going to hear
Speaker 1: from her, I had to be the one to go
Speaker 1: do that. I had to be the one to call
Speaker 1: her down one hundred times. If I needed financial security,
Speaker 1: I had to go take that action. If I wanted
Speaker 1: certain things in my life, I had to go and
Speaker 1: get it. And again that's not inherently a bad thing
Speaker 1: to do, but again, when you are in the cycle
Speaker 1: of doing it, all the time. That's obviously when it
Speaker 1: becomes an issue because realistically, you can't control every aspect.
Speaker 1: You don't always know the outcome, and you have to
Speaker 1: learn how to be resilient through the times where you
Speaker 1: just don't know. And so I look at the part
Speaker 1: of me that is that control freak as a part
Speaker 1: of me that was created in those years of my life,
Speaker 1: and she was really just trying to protect me, and
Speaker 1: it is not actually who I am as a being.
Speaker 1: It is just a part of me that actually just
Speaker 1: tried to keep me safe. And I actually think that
Speaker 1: part of me and there were many instances where she
Speaker 1: did keep me safe and that was the only way
Speaker 1: I learned how to feel safe. And I think that
Speaker 1: if you can give yourself compassion and grace and to
Speaker 1: see how there was a point in your life where
Speaker 1: this part was created, it will be easier for you
Speaker 1: to move through the next phase of your life. Because
Speaker 1: the truth is this, if you want to step into
Speaker 1: a new version of you, which is the person who
Speaker 1: is not such a control freak, not only is that
Speaker 1: part of you with you, and she or he whoever
Speaker 1: is not actually really gonna leave. Like you kind of
Speaker 1: know this you've been trying to probably get rid of
Speaker 1: this part of you for a while now, or you
Speaker 1: just don't know how to work with it. But it's
Speaker 1: just going to be a lot more difficult for you
Speaker 1: to embody a new version of you when you are
Speaker 1: in constant resistance of different parts of you that actually
Speaker 1: kept you safe in your life. And when it comes
Speaker 1: to change personal growth, it's not about seeing the way
Speaker 1: that you did this thing or that thing, or this
Speaker 1: part of you or that part of you and ridding it.
Speaker 1: It takes way more energy and way more time, and
Speaker 1: you end up getting back to square one by you
Speaker 1: doing that. And I personally have learned in my life
Speaker 1: the way that I actually change is creating integration and
Speaker 1: understanding why I do the things that I do with
Speaker 1: love and compassion and understanding and to nurture some of
Speaker 1: these parts of me as well while also uncovering who
Speaker 1: authentically I am outside of the part of me that
Speaker 1: was just trying to protect me. Because this is not
Speaker 1: who I am supposed to be for the entirety of
Speaker 1: my life. We know this. We're not supposed to just
Speaker 1: be the control freak all of our lives. We know this.
Speaker 1: We get to a point where we kind of have
Speaker 1: to face this part of us and say, all right,
Speaker 1: I'm ready to see you. What do you need instead
Speaker 1: of me being like, oh my god, you're such a
Speaker 1: control freak. I hate this part of you. Get rid
Speaker 1: of it, Get rid of it, get rid of it.
Speaker 1: That doesn't work. We know that. So anytime that I
Speaker 1: am aware that I am going into this part of
Speaker 1: me that wants to control, wants to attach to outcome,
Speaker 1: it's hyperfixating, it's being anxious, I really like to stop
Speaker 1: myself in these moments and recognize that, Okay, there's this
Speaker 1: part of me that teen into her early twenties right now, Alicia,
Speaker 1: that that old version of me she's coming online right now,
Speaker 1: she's still stuck in that consciousness, that trauma, that fight
Speaker 1: or flights. Okay, that's her experience. She's stuck there right now,
Speaker 1: and now she feels like whatever's happening in her life
Speaker 1: right now, she has to respond from that place. And
Speaker 1: I'm gonna hold her hand as this new version of me.
Speaker 1: So again I'm not looking at her and saying you
Speaker 1: shouldn't be feeling like this, but I'm also not allowing
Speaker 1: her to take over my entirety of my life. I'm saying, hey, okay,
Speaker 1: I'm going to hold your hand here, and we're gonna
Speaker 1: explore this situation together right now. We're gonna be a
Speaker 1: little bit more mindful about what's happening right now. And
Speaker 1: I really like to speak some words of wisdom into
Speaker 1: my younger part, because this is how I look at it.
Speaker 1: My younger part is only okay with a certain circumstance.
Speaker 1: She only wants one outcome. Usually she has a very
Speaker 1: small lens in which things can be presented. It is
Speaker 1: not her fault, but that's just what she's stuck on.
Speaker 1: But the wise part of me knows and likes to
Speaker 1: remind her that the reason why you are feeling so
Speaker 1: much of that anxiety you know, of that control like
Speaker 1: being control for you genuinely, you basically live a life
Speaker 1: of just constant like waiting and wondering and obsession is
Speaker 1: because you are so attached to the way it needs
Speaker 1: to be. And if you had a more broader sense
Speaker 1: of how things could play out, if you allowed yourself
Speaker 1: that room, you wouldn't be feeling so much of that
Speaker 1: anxiety because you don't have this tie to that expectation
Speaker 1: as much as you used to. So instead of just
Speaker 1: operating out of that one lens, how can we basically
Speaker 1: merge the two? And when I mean merge the two again,
Speaker 1: it's to acknowledge that we have that young part that
Speaker 1: wants to feel safe by controlling, but the wise part
Speaker 1: of you, the wise part of me, likes to take
Speaker 1: a step back and say, Okay, outside of me operating
Speaker 1: out of this trauma, operating out of controlling the situation
Speaker 1: where I know it just leads me nowhere, what is
Speaker 1: this circumstance actually calling me to see? And or what
Speaker 1: lesson am I needing to learn in this circumstance? Right now?
Speaker 1: It's not about how can I control it? It's what
Speaker 1: is the lesson from this thing? So I'm going to
Speaker 1: give you some examples and maybe small little practices that
Speaker 1: you can implement in your life to basically train yourself
Speaker 1: how to be less in control. I also want to
Speaker 1: talk about the beauty of releasing control and how you
Speaker 1: can gain so much more than you actually think once
Speaker 1: you move from this one consciousness of who you used
Speaker 1: to be into an integrated, very wise part of you.
Speaker 1: So what I have found is anything that I am
Speaker 1: trying to attach to or control. It's always just the
Speaker 1: lesson that I keep running away from. So for me personally,
Speaker 1: I am a huge perfectionist. I've had to learn to
Speaker 1: extend empathy and grace and compassion to others and even myself, vulnerability, flexibility,
Speaker 1: all of those lessons. You know, it's basically like you
Speaker 1: having to learn the opposite of who you are. So
Speaker 1: let's talk about building resilience. So let's say you were
Speaker 1: facing an unexpected challenge or a financial setback, or just
Speaker 1: something that's very distressing. Typically what happens is you start worrying,
Speaker 1: you start complaining about it, you start thinking about all
Speaker 1: the negatives, just all of these things that don't get
Speaker 1: you anywhere, but basically your nervous system going right into
Speaker 1: fight or flight, and then you start acting. You know,
Speaker 1: not crazy, but you act out of that place, which
Speaker 1: doesn't really get you anywhere. But what the situation is
Speaker 1: really teaching you is how to better navigate uncertainty and
Speaker 1: your ability to adapt and recover. So you could ask
Speaker 1: yourself things like what resources or inner strengths can I
Speaker 1: draw on to move through this right now? This response
Speaker 1: is more of a surrendering of acceptance, of looking at
Speaker 1: the situation for what it is and saying hmm, how
Speaker 1: can I work with this instead of resist it? Right,
Speaker 1: if there's something distressing in your life when you're doing
Speaker 1: the controlling thing, what you're doing is you're actually resisting it.
Speaker 1: You're pushing it away. I can't have it. I don't
Speaker 1: know how to do it. I don't know how to
Speaker 1: navigate this. That is not true. You actually do another
Speaker 1: one learning patients, Let's say you're waiting for a text back,
Speaker 1: or you're waiting for a job application to be approved,
Speaker 1: or news or whatever the case is. You could move
Speaker 1: in to your control, your younger part of you where
Speaker 1: it is very much so like you can't wait for
Speaker 1: the tax, so you double tax, you trible text, you ask,
Speaker 1: you keep rating, or you keep following up one hundred
Speaker 1: million times, or you're just stressed all day to the
Speaker 1: point where you're not even living your normal life and
Speaker 1: you're kind of being unhappy, and then you're worrying like
Speaker 1: always going to the negative circumstance and outcome this situation
Speaker 1: right now and is trying to teach you how to
Speaker 1: trust the timing of your life. It is trying to
Speaker 1: teach you how to let things unfold naturally, without forcing,
Speaker 1: without needing an answer. So you could be asking yourself,
Speaker 1: what can I do to remain present right now? How
Speaker 1: can I use this time to grow? What can I
Speaker 1: do in this period of time as I am waiting?
Speaker 1: And this is essentially how I look at most things
Speaker 1: in life. When anything distresses me, triggers me, makes me
Speaker 1: emotional or anxiety ridden, I honor the part of me
Speaker 1: that feels like that because it is basically track in
Speaker 1: my nervous system as something that has happened in the
Speaker 1: past that's probably very real. But also to see how
Speaker 1: whatever the thing is coming up right now, this is
Speaker 1: a moment for me to respond differently. This is a
Speaker 1: lesson that is going to allow me to become a
Speaker 1: new version of me. I am going to get a
Speaker 1: new outcome in my life if I respond differently. This setback,
Speaker 1: this confusion, this not being able to control it, but
Speaker 1: trying to but still not being able to. There's something
Speaker 1: here that is a part of my journey. So over
Speaker 1: the years I have had to learn how to implement
Speaker 1: small little practices throughout my life depending on what I
Speaker 1: would control or like, how I would let that manifest
Speaker 1: out and practice releasing in order for me to be
Speaker 1: able to strengthen that muscle of being able to actually
Speaker 1: not act right out of that control part of me.
Speaker 1: So I will give you like a few ideas, but
Speaker 1: of course it is going to be very dependent on
Speaker 1: what you are trying to control. But at the end
Speaker 1: of the day, it takes practice. Okay, you're not gonna
Speaker 1: wake up tomorrow and all of a sudden never want
Speaker 1: to control anything, because again, that part of you is
Speaker 1: still within you. So doing things small and really taking
Speaker 1: something that you know is kind of the most detrimental
Speaker 1: to your life right now and slowly kind of breaking
Speaker 1: it down and practicing no longer holding such a tight
Speaker 1: grip on that, even if it's not fully is going
Speaker 1: to be the thing that allows you to eventually release
Speaker 1: more of that control. You're gonna see yourself let that
Speaker 1: go more in your life. Some of these examples have
Speaker 1: to do with confidence, relationships, the way you move through life.
Speaker 1: But releasing control can look like, you know, let's say
Speaker 1: you aren't having the best body image day or just
Speaker 1: like physical appearance day, but you have to go out
Speaker 1: for an event or something. A practice you can do
Speaker 1: for yourself is allowing yourself to go out knowing, yeah,
Speaker 1: I actually do not look perfect today, and it's fine.
Speaker 1: It is actually not going to be the end of
Speaker 1: the world if I I don't look exactly the way
Speaker 1: that I want. But you have to allow yourself to
Speaker 1: play with that idea in your mind, right, Like the
Speaker 1: worst case scenario, will I be okay if I go
Speaker 1: out and my hair is not exactly the way that
Speaker 1: I want. Well, let's see, let's play it out. Maybe
Speaker 1: there'll be somebody who says something, or maybe I won't
Speaker 1: get the person that I really want. But then it's
Speaker 1: also like, if that person says something, or if I
Speaker 1: don't get the person that I really want or the
Speaker 1: attention that I want, is that really aligned to me?
Speaker 1: You really have to question those worst case scenarios and
Speaker 1: see how it really is coming from that small, minute
Speaker 1: part of you that has a small way of looking
Speaker 1: at life, and it's just not really expansive for you
Speaker 1: in the first place. But I definitely allowed myself more
Speaker 1: room to kind of be a little bit more messy
Speaker 1: when it came to not even just like my parents,
Speaker 1: but just not being so perfect and allowing myself to
Speaker 1: go out and being like, okay, you know what, I'm
Speaker 1: not like fully loving this outfit or fully loving the
Speaker 1: way that I look. But I have to get better
Speaker 1: at that. I remember I did this when I used
Speaker 1: to edit my photos or use like Snapchat filters and
Speaker 1: stuff like back in the day. I started to realize,
Speaker 1: like the obsession and control over taking photos and stuff
Speaker 1: no longer became fun because it was like, oh, I
Speaker 1: have to look a certain way or I have to
Speaker 1: edit this, and if it doesn't look good, then I
Speaker 1: can't post it. I didn't want to live my life
Speaker 1: like that, So I slowly started to not use filters.
Speaker 1: I slowly started to not edit my photos, and over
Speaker 1: time I got used to not caring so much. And
Speaker 1: now I'm at a point where like that's not a
Speaker 1: thing for me, Like I don't do that anymore. Another thing,
Speaker 1: I used to be very tied to plans and how
Speaker 1: they would turn out, or like where we're gonna go
Speaker 1: and at what time and this that, And although I
Speaker 1: do need a level of knowing what time we're going
Speaker 1: at and when and this that, Like you're allowed to
Speaker 1: have boundaries and communication and expectations from people and this that,
Speaker 1: But when plans don't work out, I no longer allow
Speaker 1: myself to freak out and make it the biggest deal
Speaker 1: in the whole world that these plans didn't work out,
Speaker 1: because if I was channeling my wise part of me,
Speaker 1: I in three seconds can set myself into being like, Okay,
Speaker 1: you could capitalize on a million other things based off
Speaker 1: of this plan not working out. And also, maybe there
Speaker 1: was a reason why this plan didn't work out in
Speaker 1: the first place. And you don't even need to take
Speaker 1: it personally if these plans don't work out. But again,
Speaker 1: it comes down to you training yourself to think and
Speaker 1: move like that, or let's think about it. When it
Speaker 1: comes to relationships. If somebody is not texting you back,
Speaker 1: if somebody is ghosting you, if somebody is being avoidant,
Speaker 1: if somebody is just for whatever reason, whether you need
Speaker 1: them to or if they're in the wrong or not,
Speaker 1: stop trying to force an answer. Stop texting them one
Speaker 1: hundred thousand times. Practice the art of not double texting,
Speaker 1: Practice the art of not having the same argument over
Speaker 1: and over and over and over again. And instead of
Speaker 1: doing that, look at what the situation is calling you
Speaker 1: to see. Is it calling you to hold a boundary,
Speaker 1: is it calling you to yeah, maybe communicate in a
Speaker 1: way that is not just like berating somebody, but maybe
Speaker 1: you need to actually express what you actually need in
Speaker 1: a relationship that you keep running around. Maybe this lesson
Speaker 1: is simply just the fact that you need to be
Speaker 1: a little bit more patient in your life. Is there
Speaker 1: something you could be doing other than you trying to
Speaker 1: beerate somebody or text somebody or get an answer out
Speaker 1: of somebody else. There's a lot of other things that
Speaker 1: you could be doing other than doing the double texting.
Speaker 1: But again, you're looking through the small lens of being
Speaker 1: like the only way that this whole situation needs to
Speaker 1: work out is if I double text, Like, that's how
Speaker 1: I'm going to get the answer, That's how I'm going
Speaker 1: to feel safe. But we know that is not actually
Speaker 1: how are I going to even be safe or feel
Speaker 1: safe even if we need to. But also the outcome
Speaker 1: of that typically never is good. Anyways, now having this
Speaker 1: type of mindset to be able to kind of move
Speaker 1: into that wise part of you and be able to
Speaker 1: tell yourself in the moment, Okay, it's not worth double texting,
Speaker 1: it's not worth overthinking, it's not worth this that this
Speaker 1: which requires a lot of practice, like I said, but
Speaker 1: I would say daily practice on your mindset and like
Speaker 1: retraining the way that you think. Okay, because you have
Speaker 1: to think about this. You have been operating out of
Speaker 1: your life, always feeling like the better option is to control,
Speaker 1: or the better option is like to double text. Right,
Speaker 1: it's so natural for you to do that that sometimes
Speaker 1: it's just hard to not and respond a new way.
Speaker 1: And so I do find having a morning practice or
Speaker 1: a daily practice of you kind of retraining the way
Speaker 1: that you think is helpful. So what you can do
Speaker 1: is in the mornings. Let's say you are currently attached
Speaker 1: to something you know, like the way a relationship needs
Speaker 1: to work out, or a job opportunity or something. But
Speaker 1: you know it's not serving you to just sit and
Speaker 1: dwell and worry. You want to wake up in the
Speaker 1: morning and have a practice where you're kind of changing
Speaker 1: the way that you look at these things. Right, You're
Speaker 1: expanding your mind to different possibilities and different outcomes. But
Speaker 1: if you don't do that, and you don't create new affirmation,
Speaker 1: you don't listen to even people who give you another
Speaker 1: way of looking at it, of course you're going to
Speaker 1: go back into controlling, because that's all you know how
Speaker 1: to do. So you have to kind of understand that
Speaker 1: you don't really have that inventory that's natural for you,
Speaker 1: and you're going to need to retrain your brain. And
Speaker 1: so I love to do affirmations. I love to write
Speaker 1: in my journal, especially when I'm going through a very
Speaker 1: distressing time, to remind myself of what the lesson is,
Speaker 1: remind myself of different ways than I could respond, different
Speaker 1: ways that things can play out. And actually, I saw
Speaker 1: a few quotes on Pinterest, so I want to read them.
Speaker 1: And so these are some of the things that like
Speaker 1: I would be writing out if I was doing a
Speaker 1: practice of trying to retrain my brain or just thinking
Speaker 1: about it in your head. So I'm not going to
Speaker 1: read out all of them so you can read on
Speaker 1: the screen, but I'll read out a few. The ones
Speaker 1: that I like are if it's meant to be, it
Speaker 1: will be. And I know we all kind of know that,
Speaker 1: but how much do you really practice saying that to
Speaker 1: yourself when those times come up where you are attached to,
Speaker 1: like waiting for like a relationship thing to work out
Speaker 1: or something like that, if it's meant to be, it
Speaker 1: will be, like seriously, right, But sometimes we really don't
Speaker 1: think like that. We really don't remind ourselves of those things.
Speaker 1: Another one is everything happens for you. And this is
Speaker 1: kind of the basis of the way that I look
Speaker 1: at most things, is even if I can't see it
Speaker 1: right now, this is happening for me. There's gonna be
Speaker 1: a lesson, there's gonna be something, and I don't even
Speaker 1: need to know right now, but it is going to
Speaker 1: be for me. This is a part of the journey.
Speaker 1: Another one says obstacles are detours in the right direction.
Speaker 1: This is another thing I always think about. The rejection
Speaker 1: is redirection thing, and it is so true. And maybe
Speaker 1: at first it will not feel like that, but understand
Speaker 1: the wise part of you that is probably a lot
Speaker 1: older in consciousness than the one that you're operating from
Speaker 1: right now. And if you can't even think about like that,
Speaker 1: take it from somebody who maybe has a little bit
Speaker 1: more experience with this. And I'm not saying that I'm
Speaker 1: better than you or this that, but my experience will
Speaker 1: say this thing in your life is redirecting you to
Speaker 1: something better. It is okay the breakup as much as
Speaker 1: it hurts, and you can acknowledge it, and it is bad,
Speaker 1: or the person that is not treating you good, or
Speaker 1: the opportunity that did not follow through, and it's going
Speaker 1: to create some financial instability until you figure it out.
Speaker 1: All that crap is true and it is real and
Speaker 1: it is shitty, and you can acknowledge that. But at
Speaker 1: the same time, do not strip yourself away from the
Speaker 1: potential of what will come from this thing. But the
Speaker 1: potential is only going to come if you are willing
Speaker 1: to see how. This is also a part of the journey.
Speaker 1: There is a lesson here. There is something that you
Speaker 1: haven't seen yet. There is something that you will learn
Speaker 1: from this situation that will create a better relationship moving forward,
Speaker 1: that will create a better circumstance when it comes to
Speaker 1: finances for you, that will create a better career path
Speaker 1: for you. Okay, now let's move right into the beauty
Speaker 1: and the benefit of releasing control. Because the truth is this,
Speaker 1: when you start to let go of how you think
Speaker 1: things need to be. Boy, does the universe, God, whatever
Speaker 1: you believe in, does it open up doors that you
Speaker 1: never even thought. This is the thing you have to
Speaker 1: understand you as a human being, myself included everyone in
Speaker 1: life that you ever know, and where you will ever meet.
Speaker 1: We only know like a fraction of how things could
Speaker 1: actually play out. And it is so normal for us
Speaker 1: to need to know how things are going to work out. Again,
Speaker 1: the control, the trauma, this whatever, but in general, it's
Speaker 1: a normal part of being a human being. We need
Speaker 1: predictability in our lives. We have to. We will always
Speaker 1: need that or we will go crazy. Okay, we will
Speaker 1: literally go crazy. And there are things that we can predict, right,
Speaker 1: there's science, there's things that are just normal and natural
Speaker 1: in our lives. But there is a lot of things
Speaker 1: that we do not know. There's a lot of things
Speaker 1: that we will never even discover in this lifetime. And
Speaker 1: you have to take that on and you have to
Speaker 1: give yourself that gift because there are so many ways
Speaker 1: that things could work out for you, okay, And a
Speaker 1: lot of the times we are stripping ourselves from blessings,
Speaker 1: from things that could be bigger than what we even imagined,
Speaker 1: because we have this idea of how it needs to
Speaker 1: look or be. And sometimes the things that you're really wanting,
Speaker 1: the money, the dream relationship, the dream life is only
Speaker 1: going to come by you letting go of how you
Speaker 1: think it has to play out, and you have to
Speaker 1: understand that as a part of life, there tends to
Speaker 1: usually need to be always a part of you that
Speaker 1: allows a little bit, at least a little bit of
Speaker 1: room for the unknown, because if you are too specific,
Speaker 1: if you are too attached, you block your blessings, You
Speaker 1: block the way that the universe wants to bring you abundance.
Speaker 1: And it's not to mean you're not going to get it,
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you won't get that relationship or that outcome,
Speaker 1: but you might be stripping yourself from even more because
Speaker 1: you are so set on it being like this. And
Speaker 1: then sometimes you get into these situations where you realize
Speaker 1: over time, oh damn, this is actually quite restrictive. It
Speaker 1: might have been something that I wanted at the beginning,
Speaker 1: but realistically this is actually way more restrictive than I
Speaker 1: even allowed myself to have, which is fine, it's the process.
Speaker 1: But understand, releasing control allows for so much more money,
Speaker 1: abundance circumstances to come into your life. Now, another thing
Speaker 1: that I just kind of live by as just like
Speaker 1: a rule of life is to know that life is
Speaker 1: inherently unpredictable. Okay, this is a truth that we need
Speaker 1: to just put in our minds, okay, and like move
Speaker 1: forward with in our lives. As much as you think
Speaker 1: that you can control that you have the answers that
Speaker 1: you know. And this is coming from somebody who is
Speaker 1: like not only the control freak, but like somebody who
Speaker 1: knows a lot about a lot of things. Okay, as
Speaker 1: much as I know that I know a lot, there
Speaker 1: are just gonna be things that will continue to be
Speaker 1: out of my cot and just not something that I
Speaker 1: can predict. And that is okay. And you know why
Speaker 1: that's okay because I tell myself in the moments where
Speaker 1: I can't predict, in the moments where there's uncertainty, I'm
Speaker 1: going to have myself. I'm going to be there with myself.
Speaker 1: I'm going to hold my inner child's hand if she
Speaker 1: is afraid. I am going to seek out the resources.
Speaker 1: I am going to change my mindset about the thing
Speaker 1: that is happening right now. I am going to do
Speaker 1: the things that I need to do and no longer
Speaker 1: resist and no longer run away from myself when these
Speaker 1: things are inherently unpredictable, which unfortunately we didn't really actually
Speaker 1: do when things were unpredictable in our lives, right Instead,
Speaker 1: we ran away from ourselves and we tried to fix,
Speaker 1: and we try to control, and we tried to tell
Speaker 1: this person to do this and that and this, that
Speaker 1: and the third, which we don't need to be mad
Speaker 1: at ourselves for doing that because that is what we did. Okay.
Speaker 1: That is how we learn to deal with unpredictability. Okay.
Speaker 1: It is not an easy thing to really navigate in
Speaker 1: our lives. And recently something that I learned when it
Speaker 1: came to control, because there's always things like my life
Speaker 1: depending on the phase where it's like, Okay, do you
Speaker 1: want to try and control it, do you want to
Speaker 1: be obsessed? Or do you want to just like let
Speaker 1: things go? What's the lesson this? That is my health
Speaker 1: and my symptoms essentially, and you know, there was an
Speaker 1: idea of when I would start to feel better based
Speaker 1: off of like medication and slowing things down and healing
Speaker 1: and all that kind of stuff with my symptoms, but realistically,
Speaker 1: especially my IBD, like that is still an very unpredictable
Speaker 1: health concern to experience when you're going through a flare
Speaker 1: up that you just still can't tell, like you just
Speaker 1: don't know actually how you're going to be in two
Speaker 1: weeks based off of like the medication that you're on,
Speaker 1: even though it's supposed to do this thing, like it
Speaker 1: is so individual, and so I had to learn to
Speaker 1: release a lot of control with the timeline of when
Speaker 1: I thought I was going to be better or have
Speaker 1: more energy or be able to go see my friends
Speaker 1: even right now, like I still am not one hundred percent.
Speaker 1: But what I do is take things more day by day.
Speaker 1: And I do that not just because it's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I just can't. I don't know, I'm never gonna be
Speaker 1: able to like have an idea of when my life
Speaker 1: is gonna go back to normal, But I actually look
Speaker 1: at it from this place of like, well, you know,
Speaker 1: you kind of keep telling yourself that you're not gonna
Speaker 1: be good in a month, or you're not gonna be
Speaker 1: good in these three weeks or this that because of
Speaker 1: your symptoms, which could be true. You know, I want
Speaker 1: to prepare myself, but also I could get better way quicker,
Speaker 1: and so why am I gonna tell myself it's gonna
Speaker 1: be three weeks when it could be less now it
Speaker 1: could be more. But I will be okay if it's more, right,
Speaker 1: Like I'll be okay to be with myself, but it
Speaker 1: also could end up completely different. And what I found
Speaker 1: is I was actually getting a lot better in different
Speaker 1: ways than I even thought like. There were ways that
Speaker 1: I thought like my symptoms would even be or flare up, like, oh, tomorrow,
Speaker 1: I'm probably gonna have a sumach ach around this time,
Speaker 1: and if I eat like this, then I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: to go the way this dada da you know, typical,
Speaker 1: it's predictable. That's basically the things I've been experiencing. But
Speaker 1: I try not to use what I've experienced in the
Speaker 1: past or yesterday even and apply it to this moment
Speaker 1: right now, because my symptoms could change, they could be
Speaker 1: a little bit better, they could flare up at a
Speaker 1: different time, they could not even be a thing. I'm
Speaker 1: going to leave some room for that, and I'm going
Speaker 1: to leave room for that, because it is the truth
Speaker 1: of the universe in life that things are unpredictable, and
Speaker 1: as much as you think that you know, you actually
Speaker 1: don't fully know. But why am I going to create
Speaker 1: more stress for myself and more unhappiness in this present
Speaker 1: moment by attaching to an outcome that I don't actually
Speaker 1: even want, right Because realistically, you don't want things to
Speaker 1: not work out the way that you're hoping. You don't
Speaker 1: want your symptoms to be worse. You don't want the
Speaker 1: person to reject it. You don't want all these things.
Speaker 1: But in this process, sometimes what we actually do is
Speaker 1: we just attached to the idea of it not working out.
Speaker 1: Is the they're a universe or a chance or a
Speaker 1: way of thinking about it where it's like, you know what,
Speaker 1: maybe it will work out. And there's a few other
Speaker 1: quotes actually that I found on Pinterest that I'm just
Speaker 1: gonna read out because I think they are beautiful, and
Speaker 1: it says, but what if what if everything works out?
Speaker 1: What if it's preparing you for what you actually asked for.
Speaker 1: What if you use it as a learning experience. What
Speaker 1: if you do better then you think you will. What
Speaker 1: if it leads to something more meaningful, or you choose
Speaker 1: to love yourself more, or your hard work actually pays off.
Speaker 1: What if everything happens in your highest good. What if
Speaker 1: you find your passion and your purpose throughout all of this.
Speaker 1: What if you take the risk and you overcome your fears.
Speaker 1: What if it's helping you row What if rejection is redirection?
Speaker 1: What if you stop making excuses and just go for it.
Speaker 1: What if nothing bad happens? What if you can change
Speaker 1: your perspective? What if you become who you are meant
Speaker 1: to be? And this is what I mean by like,
Speaker 1: that's the mindset and the training that you want to
Speaker 1: do for your mind because you don't have that. Right
Speaker 1: you wake up every day and you say, well, what
Speaker 1: if the worst possible outcome happens? Well, what if it doesn't.
Speaker 1: How can I control the situation or how can I
Speaker 1: learn the lesson from what the situation is actually trying
Speaker 1: to teach me? Right now, I found another quote that said,
Speaker 1: look at you, no longer controlling anything or anyone because
Speaker 1: you understand that there are infinite ways for the universe
Speaker 1: to bring you what you want. Wisdom looks good on
Speaker 1: you now. I think what helps you believe that there's
Speaker 1: other ways that things can work out is for you
Speaker 1: to have expanders, for you to open up your mind,
Speaker 1: for you to stop staying in one place. And obviously
Speaker 1: this is dependent on what you are trying to control
Speaker 1: or how you think things need to work out, but
Speaker 1: you do have to give yourself a gift and seek
Speaker 1: out opportunities to show yourself that there are different ways
Speaker 1: that you can have what you want. There's different ways
Speaker 1: to make money, there's different ways to have the career
Speaker 1: that you want. There's different relationships that you can have.
Speaker 1: There's eight billion people in the world and not just
Speaker 1: that one person. So it's like, what are you currently
Speaker 1: holding onto right now and how can you give yourself
Speaker 1: the experience of something else, whether that is you moving
Speaker 1: in different environments, you spending some time doing some research
Speaker 1: when it comes to different ways of doing a different
Speaker 1: career if things aren't working out, listening to other people
Speaker 1: and how they move through life. No longer putting yourself
Speaker 1: in environments in places where it's the same thing and
Speaker 1: the same result and the same story. You really need
Speaker 1: to expand your mind now. I had asked you guys
Speaker 1: on the community tab, which definitely make sure that you're
Speaker 1: checking that more often because I'm going to continue to
Speaker 1: post questions and whatever advice you need. And also I've
Speaker 1: been posting quotes and stuff as well, just to kind
Speaker 1: of keep you guys, you know, going along. But I
Speaker 1: asked you guys about this topic of you know, how
Speaker 1: does being a control freak manifest in your life? Do
Speaker 1: you struggle with this what advice do you need? And
Speaker 1: there's a lot of responses, and I want to just
Speaker 1: read a few of them and kind of just give
Speaker 1: you my advice in some sense, or just like my
Speaker 1: thoughts about what a few you guys were saying. This
Speaker 1: might be tough life, this might not. I don't really know.
Speaker 1: But anyway, as somebody said, yes, I struggle with detachment
Speaker 1: from specific outcomes. I'm going through a breakup and there's
Speaker 1: only one outcome that makes me feel comfortable about the future.
Speaker 1: The rest of the possible outcomes make me anxious and
Speaker 1: dread my healing process. So for one, of course, you
Speaker 1: want to always honor the fact that, yeah, like a
Speaker 1: breakup is a breakup, and there was a reality in
Speaker 1: which you had an attachment to one specific outcome, And
Speaker 1: that's okay, because that's kind of how we move through life.
Speaker 1: We attached to one thing and the other and this that.
Speaker 1: But you feeling uncomfortable about your future is really just
Speaker 1: a result of you attaching to one way this thing
Speaker 1: needs to be. Now, I don't know what outcome you wanted.
Speaker 1: I'm assuming, obviously to be in the relationship with that person,
Speaker 1: but I'm sure there's a reason a rhyme, a situation,
Speaker 1: a thing that has happened as to why you guys
Speaker 1: broke up? So can you see the lessons? Can you
Speaker 1: see the self growth what needs to be kind of
Speaker 1: worked on and called on. It's not about blaming yourself,
Speaker 1: but it's really just seeing like why did the breakup happen,
Speaker 1: not just hyper focusing on the fact that the breakup happens.
Speaker 1: And then you said, the rest of the possible outcomes
Speaker 1: make me anxious and dread the healing process. Well, what
Speaker 1: are those potential outcomes that you're saying that make you
Speaker 1: dread the healing process? And again, the reason why you're
Speaker 1: dreading the healing process is because you're telling yourself that
Speaker 1: it is going to be like this. It's going to
Speaker 1: be boring or lonely, or it's going to be hard.
Speaker 1: Why are you telling yourself it's going to be hard
Speaker 1: or boring or lonely. Now, it might be an aspect
Speaker 1: of what a breakup could be like, we don't need
Speaker 1: to be delusional about that, But why does it have
Speaker 1: to be as hard as you're telling yourself it needs
Speaker 1: to be? Right? It's this idea of how you've maybe
Speaker 1: seen a breakup in the past, or somebody else experienced
Speaker 1: a breakup, or you've experienced it in your past, and
Speaker 1: those things can all be right, but those things don't
Speaker 1: need to be your reality. When I'm going through a breakup,
Speaker 1: I create space for everything. I create space for the
Speaker 1: fact that, yeah, there's going to be a time where
Speaker 1: it's going to be lonely and it might not be
Speaker 1: the most fun, but there's going to be so much
Speaker 1: growth within this breakup. I'm going to learn so much
Speaker 1: about myself. I'm going to learn a lesson that I
Speaker 1: quite frankly kept not learning and kept you know, not
Speaker 1: having boundaries or you know, not speaking up in my relationship.
Speaker 1: I'm also going to allow myself to be really excited
Speaker 1: for what is to come. There's so much beauty and
Speaker 1: what is to come outside of this breakup. Someone else
Speaker 1: said this with a crying face, and they said, I'm
Speaker 1: such a control freak wanting everything to go so perfectly
Speaker 1: because there have very often been people in my life
Speaker 1: who haven't met my expectation in one way or another.
Speaker 1: I feel like I can't trust anyone to do stuff
Speaker 1: but myself. I love to hear your take on this
Speaker 1: from both the relationship standpoint and business standpoint particularly, I
Speaker 1: know an important part of growing your business and doing
Speaker 1: your own thing involves delegating and trusting others, But the
Speaker 1: control freak in me wants to do everything myself, which
Speaker 1: ends up being impossible. Can't wait for this discussion. So
Speaker 1: sometimes what I like to remind myself is, you know,
Speaker 1: this expectation that I have for these people to show
Speaker 1: up in a certain way is really a result of
Speaker 1: me not trusting that I can be okay if they
Speaker 1: don't show up. So I do like to practice that
Speaker 1: worst case scenario. Will I be okay if this person
Speaker 1: doesn't show up one hundred percent perfectly I will be.
Speaker 1: And this is not to mean that we don't have expectations,
Speaker 1: we don't have boundaries, and we don't have ways in
Speaker 1: which people need to show up. But realistically a lot
Speaker 1: of this can be negated and kind of let go
Speaker 1: by reminding ourselves, like, I'm gonna be good if this
Speaker 1: person doesn't show up. Let me let this person even
Speaker 1: be able to show up for me, like, let me
Speaker 1: give them an opportunity to even fail, and then I
Speaker 1: will see if I need to remove them from my
Speaker 1: life or X, Y and Z Now obviously, if somebody
Speaker 1: is constantly disappointing you, this is a lesson where you say,
Speaker 1: you know what, Okay, I need to communicate, I need
Speaker 1: to let this person go. I need to stand in
Speaker 1: my worth. I need to have somebody who is going
Speaker 1: to show up, and if they're not, we release them.
Speaker 1: But we can't assume that people are going to disappoint
Speaker 1: us without them actually even having a chance to do that.
Speaker 1: But another thing is to understand that people are flawed,
Speaker 1: that the way you do something is not going to
Speaker 1: be the way somebody else does that, and that kind
Speaker 1: of brings it to the business thing. The whole delegation
Speaker 1: is understandable. This is me to a chord. It's hard
Speaker 1: for me to have people you know, do work for me.
Speaker 1: But this is what I have learned. One like I
Speaker 1: just said, when you delegate tasks, you have to understand
Speaker 1: that it's not going to be exactly the way that
Speaker 1: you want it to be because that person's not you.
Speaker 1: And so it's kind of a balance of saying okay,
Speaker 1: in terms of like skill sets, does this person have
Speaker 1: what it takes to be able to do it better
Speaker 1: than me or differently? And do I like the way
Speaker 1: that they do it, even if it's different because of
Speaker 1: the results it's going to give me, which is more
Speaker 1: time freedom. It's more like things I just don't want
Speaker 1: to do X, Y and Z. You have to be
Speaker 1: okay with things being a little bit imperfect, and this
Speaker 1: is something that you're just going to have to learn
Speaker 1: over time. I think that you'll probably learn this also
Speaker 1: if you become a parent. I'm not a parent, but listen,
Speaker 1: I know I'm very aware that my perfectionism will be
Speaker 1: tested when I have children. But honestly, my perfectionism has
Speaker 1: been tested when I've reparented myself, and I've had to
Speaker 1: learn that. You know, there's different parts of me that
Speaker 1: require me to not be perfect. I can't possibly be perfect.
Speaker 1: It just doesn't work my symptoms. When it comes to
Speaker 1: my IBD, I can't be perfect. I can't constantly do
Speaker 1: all the things that I want based out of my
Speaker 1: ego and base out of me controlling it just doesn't happen.
Speaker 1: My body says no. There's just going to be things
Speaker 1: in life where it's a no. You have to be
Speaker 1: okay with that. But bringing it back to delegating tasks,
Speaker 1: there are things that you will realize you might actually
Speaker 1: like doing better and you just don't want to release
Speaker 1: that control, and that's okay too. I did that with
Speaker 1: my editing. I had an editor for a long time,
Speaker 1: multiple ones, and I just felt like it just made
Speaker 1: more sense quicker, faster, more efficiently, but also just the
Speaker 1: creative aspect for me to have that be a thing
Speaker 1: that I do. It didn't end up being something that
Speaker 1: actually made sense to really delegate in terms of saving
Speaker 1: me times, but it was that aspect, but there was
Speaker 1: still too much of that creative component where it actually
Speaker 1: didn't make any sense to have somebody take something on
Speaker 1: as big as doing editing. And I've never had an
Speaker 1: editor when it comes to logging because that takes more creativity.
Speaker 1: But it's just not something that I will delegate. Someone
Speaker 1: else said, I didn't recognize I had this problem until
Speaker 1: I got into a relationship. It's the thing that I
Speaker 1: hate the most about my mother, as she's a control
Speaker 1: freak to the fullest extent. It usually comes in for
Speaker 1: me when other people are trying to take control consistently,
Speaker 1: almost like it's a behavior I've learned from my mother
Speaker 1: which I resented, yet I still have adopted the behavior unconsciously.
Speaker 1: I'm definitely not high on the chart, but it manifests
Speaker 1: for me as wanting to anticipate an outcome in my
Speaker 1: favor or as I mentioned before, in relationships in places
Speaker 1: like the kitchen, activity, planning, etc. However, I do submit
Speaker 1: if someone is more stubborn and controlling than me, as
Speaker 1: that's what my upbringing was. Like, what I take from
Speaker 1: this is seeing how you are very aware of how
Speaker 1: the part of you that is control freak is manifesting
Speaker 1: and stemming from childhood and your upbringing, which I've talked
Speaker 1: about this Like that's literally kind of like what happened.
Speaker 1: I had a very inner critic, hard inner critic that
Speaker 1: I manifested from my father's voice and this that, And
Speaker 1: then I learned when I had that that it wasn't
Speaker 1: helpful obviously, and I started to resent that part of me.
Speaker 1: But that part of you doesn't need you to resent
Speaker 1: and hate. Realistically, that's actually like not how you're going
Speaker 1: to change or integrate. It's actually about being curious that, oh, okay,
Speaker 1: I have this part of me that came from my mother.
Speaker 1: Can I extend grace? Can I understand it? What doesn't
Speaker 1: need instead of the controlling. What is this thing trying
Speaker 1: to get to instead of the controlling? You can think
Speaker 1: about it as your mother. There's probably a part of
Speaker 1: her that learned to control things in her life because
Speaker 1: that kept her safe in what way? What did she
Speaker 1: actually need in her life so that she wasn't obviously
Speaker 1: this huge control freak. I don't know that obviously, but
Speaker 1: unfortunately that's basically the situations that happen in our lives
Speaker 1: and especially with our parents. Like it's not too excuse,
Speaker 1: right for everything, but I think back to my dad,
Speaker 1: Like he learned to be a very strict person in
Speaker 1: his life. He didn't learn how to tap into emotions,
Speaker 1: he didn't learn it was safe to even feel his emotions.
Speaker 1: He didn't learn a lot of these things, and unfortunately
Speaker 1: it got brought onto me. And what he needed was
Speaker 1: what he never got from his parents, which is love
Speaker 1: and attention and infection and all of this beautiful stuff.
Speaker 1: So it's like, how can you give that part of
Speaker 1: you that became your mother or your father, whoever, and
Speaker 1: how do you start to nurture and love that part
Speaker 1: of you because that's what it needs. It doesn't need
Speaker 1: you to be like I hate you you're the worst.
Speaker 1: You came from my mom, I need you gone, YadA, YadA, YadA.
Speaker 1: So with everything I said in this episode, what I
Speaker 1: really want you to take away is this, there is
Speaker 1: a part of you that is wanting to control to
Speaker 1: keep you safe. What it wants you to do is
Speaker 1: to listen. And the way you listen is not to
Speaker 1: say how do I change the circumstance and control the circumstance.
Speaker 1: It's to say, hey, I'm here, you're feeling unsafe right now?
Speaker 1: What did you not get in the past, and what
Speaker 1: do you need now? And for me, I didn't actually
Speaker 1: need a situation to pan out perfectly. What I needed
Speaker 1: was my mom to say it was okay even if
Speaker 1: things weren't going to work out. What I needed was
Speaker 1: support from friends or family. What I needed was to
Speaker 1: soothe myself in the moments where it was unpredictable and
Speaker 1: I did not know how things were going to work out,
Speaker 1: and I just needed those words of affirmation to say,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm going to be okay no matter
Speaker 1: how this pans out, this is the plan moving forward
Speaker 1: if it does, which is one, two, three, four, There's
Speaker 1: many ways that this can work out. This is working
Speaker 1: for me, not against me. This is all for my
Speaker 1: higher good. Those are the things that I really needed
Speaker 1: to hear. I needed to hear that I was going
Speaker 1: to be okay. I didn't need to hear that it
Speaker 1: was going to pan out exactly this way. That is
Speaker 1: actually not what I ever needed. And the more you
Speaker 1: practice that, reminding your part of you that is trying
Speaker 1: to control that it's going to be okay, you will
Speaker 1: start to see your life change because you will start
Speaker 1: to release control of dropping this need of changing and
Speaker 1: forcing people. And you do that through consistent repetition, reminding
Speaker 1: yourself in the mornings, doing your affirmation, speaking to yourself
Speaker 1: with love and kindness through this time. Stop barating yourself,
Speaker 1: Stop getting mad at yourself because you have this part
Speaker 1: of you. When things are feeling uncertain, when you don't
Speaker 1: know how things are going to work out, remind yourself
Speaker 1: the only thing that matters and the only thing that's
Speaker 1: important is for you to come to the present moment,
Speaker 1: right now with yourself, with the lesson that is being
Speaker 1: shown to you. Even if you can't see it right now,
Speaker 1: that is okay, But it is to be here now.
Speaker 1: It is not to be outside of yourself. The situation
Speaker 1: is not going to change by you constantly leaving yourself,
Speaker 1: You abandoning yourself, you abandoning the lesson that is to
Speaker 1: be taught. Right now, create a life where you are
Speaker 1: more comfortable with the times where it's a waiting period,
Speaker 1: where it is not fun, where it is not exactly
Speaker 1: how you want to be. But you know what, I'm
Speaker 1: okay with it right now because I know better things
Speaker 1: are coming, and I have the patience, and I have
Speaker 1: the comfortability with being in this in between with myself
Speaker 1: because it's myself. I can be comfortable with myself. You
Speaker 1: should be comfortable with yourself, and how you do that
Speaker 1: also is creating a life where it feels good, you know,
Speaker 1: waking up in the morning and having better thoughts and
Speaker 1: having a routine that nourishes yourself and having conversations with
Speaker 1: people that let you up, instead of creating a life
Speaker 1: where it is boring. You hate it, you're complaining, You're
Speaker 1: telling yourself crappy stories. It's no wonder why you would
Speaker 1: rather try and control and daydream and think about all
Speaker 1: the perfect ways things need to work out. So I
Speaker 1: hope this episode helped in some way. I feel like
Speaker 1: I could have kept going in many different directions. And
Speaker 1: I know this episode is very long, but I hoped
Speaker 1: it helped. This is a journey, and I always have
Speaker 1: this part of me come up in any aspect of
Speaker 1: my life in which it is requiring me to change,
Speaker 1: evolve a new lesson. But I will say it is
Speaker 1: quite easy for me to see the lessons, and it
Speaker 1: is quite easy for me to release that control. And
Speaker 1: I always just remind myself the moment I am trying
Speaker 1: to resist something, or like I'm trying to, like, you know,
Speaker 1: take an action where it just feels like anxiety written,
Speaker 1: or I'm trying to force things. I always know it's
Speaker 1: the wrong decision. I always know it's not the right thing,
Speaker 1: and I just let it go and I say, you
Speaker 1: know what, listen, it is going to be a better
Speaker 1: outcome if I do nothing, Like sometimes you seriously have
Speaker 1: to just do nothing, no response, no doubt, text, no explaining,
Speaker 1: no ruminating, no nothing, go do something else. Okay. I
Speaker 1: hope you guys enjoyed, and I'll see you in the
Speaker 1: next one. Bye.