Speaker 1: Tell me what you lived was like before you died.
I grew up in a chaotic family.
Speaker 2: I had two alcoholic parents and a lot of destruction
and breakdown.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: I literally just navigated life to the next obstacle and
then I could sabotage, and then I got to say, see.
Speaker 1: See life, this is what it is.
Speaker 2: And so it just kind of kept going from there,
and that just built up over time until you know,
the dialogue became a parent that I lived with what
I called a Plan D.
Speaker 1: And I didn't know that most people didn't have a
Plan D or lived that way.
Speaker 2: For me, there was the normal plans A through C
that we all kind of have when destruction or chaos happens.
But in my world, Plan D was always an option
andande was I can exit stage left whenever I want, and.
Speaker 1: It is my choice.
Speaker 2: And I lived with that with ideation that was always
humming in the background. There were a lot of things
going on in my life. I was an American who
had picked up with a small child. He was fourteen
months old, my son when we moved abroad to New
Zealand on this little tiny island, and I had just
gone through a horrific full blown hystorrekt to me in
a divorce all at once. And part of the divorce
agreement that I made with my ex husband was that
New Zealand would be a really positive place to raise
our son as a single mother as a project manager
by trade, and so finding work there with my ex
husband being a New Zealander made sense. And I now
look at it and think I was either insane or
absolutely brave or something bigger than I had a bigger plan,
which we all know is likely the case. And off
to New Zealand I went, and in that movement with
everything that was going on, it started to create the
atmosphere of recognition that other people didn't live with a
plan D Because I was starting to have some healthy
experiences in life, I met a new partner who was
also an American in New Zealand. He and I formed
a relationship. Some healthy things started to happen and transpire
for me. But as we often know with depression, anxiety
and trauma, if it's untreated, it will resurface. And that's
absolutely what started to happen.
Speaker 1: For me at that stage.
Speaker 2: I was really blessed to have a loving partner who
also recognized that I was willing to talk about it,
and I put on a brave face. I would just
live life normally and happily, and then when everyone went
to bed, I would climb in the shower and turn
the shower on and sit on the ground and cry.
I have empathy for this one because I'm not her anymore,
don't even know her, but I love her.
Speaker 1: I love what she went through.
Speaker 2: And so many people do live that way, they just
don't have a name for it like I did. So
the catalyst really was once I started getting healthy, I
realized how absolutely unhealthy I was, the iron eath, the
Grand Paradox, and so then confiding in a loving partner
who could hold space for me, I started getting into counseling.
That's where things got messy because I was not someone
who'd ever taken medication, and I'm very sensitive and I'm
not a drinker. And they immediately put me on antidepressants
and anti anxiety and medication and sleeping pills, and so
this escalated everything, and I just kept showing back up
and saying I'm getting sicker. The ideation is louder. I
was very honest, and they just kept adjusting, adjusting, adjusting.
And then one day I went in and they went
to adjust and I heard in my internal dialogue, we're
done here. That was the final straw. And from that
moment I stopped taking the medication and I started saving it,
and all of a sudden, this last compression feeling came
over me, and poof, I was out of the body,
above the suv, looking down at the body, and there
was just an awareness of that body moving and very
uncomfortable going through some what looked like very miserable things.
But I felt none of it. I didn't feel empathy,
I didn't feel regret, I didn't feel shame, I didn't
feel sadness, I didn't feel happy. I felt just flat,
stoic and just an awareness of what was seeing to transpire,
like I was watching a TV show of someone I
didn't know. So as this popping and crackling went on again,
time and space are so weird to talk about it,
I just had this knowingness, as the only way I
can describe it, that this felt familiar and safe, and
that I didn't need to try and go anywhere, just
trust what was happening. And since there wasn't a drive
to get back in the body, and there was no
curiosity or thoughts about where to go. I don't know
how much time I was there, but the next thing
I knew, the popping and the crack thing intensified again,
the sensation of that upward pulling a rose again. And
then all of a sudden, there was this thrust and
I knew I wasn't a body, and all of a
sudden I burst into this darkness I call it the void.
Everything was black, and I was all of it. I
wasn't something experiencing it. I was it. It was the
most loving and beautiful experience I've ever had, and literally
the closest thing I can use to describe it to
was the first time I held my son as a
baby and looked into his eyes and I felt that
love you just cannot recreate. And it was that times
a million. I felt held, I felt loved. Call it God,
call it source, call it universe. I just knew that
I was it. I wasn't a part of it. I
wasn't trying to be near it.
Speaker 1: I was it. I was all of it.
Speaker 2: And this expansion, like you know, imagine a sardine that's
been in a can, and that can's been rolled open,
and all of a sudden, you know, this floppy no
body energy just expands beyond.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor,
and now back to the show.
Speaker 2: And you know, the recollection is less about what was
happening and more about almost the perimeter of it all
just becoming open to me.
Speaker 1: I was space.
Speaker 2: And as I was feeling the love of all this again,
not understanding time and space, the popping and the crackling
began again, and I just relaxed into the love of it.
And the only thing I can just describe was another
kind of upward pull to a nobody and hsh. I
was thrust into the most beautiful pink I have ever seen,
and it You know, I consider myself a creative person.
I've tried to recreate that pink. There's no color like
it here, and I will just say it is the faintest,
most baby soft pink. But I wasn't seeing it.
Speaker 1: I was it.
Speaker 2: I was the expression of it, knowing itself. There were
these smells I likened to, like a guardenia flower, very
potent and powerful, but I wasn't smelling them. I was
the smell. And these choirs you know. I truly believe
it was angelic. You know, I was just it. It
wasn't happening for me. I was all of it. And
that continued again. I don't know how long. No time
in space makes sense here, but I just had this again,
almost an intuitive knowingness that something was beck me. For
lack of better terms, and without being a body, without
having thoughts, yet feeling very familiar and.
Speaker 1: Calm, I just again just trusted it.
Speaker 2: And the next thing I knew, I was with that,
and for the first time I had a visual in
this experience that wasn't me, and that visual I just
knew intuitively was Archangel Gabriel. And growing up Catholic and Catholicism,
I do believe that our NDEs tend to bring forward
things that we feel familiar with in the lifetime. So
for me, Catholicism had a lot of beauty, and the
angelic realm did, and I just trusted it and I felt.
Speaker 1: The beckoning, and so there were no words.
Speaker 2: I was still no body, and as it was moving ahead,
I just was moving with it and I didn't have
to guide it. It just intuitively knew what to do. And
the next thing I knew I was in this space
I call.
Speaker 1: It a tomb or a cave, or you know, like
a mosque, and I was there.
Speaker 2: And this is often, I think referred to as a
life review. I don't necessarily call it that because mine
was very unique, just like my whole NDE and that
all around me appearing, not being a body, not having thoughts,
was just every expression that I had lived for thirty
eight years.
Speaker 1: But I wasn't watching it. I was reliving it as
it was happening.
Speaker 2: And it was almost like a high five for every experience.
Speaker 1: There was no that was bad, There was no this
is karma, this is sin. It was just almost like celebration.
You did that, Look at that. That's amazing. Isn't that incredible?
And so there was just joy in it, peacefulness.
Speaker 2: It's really interesting because we're linear beings and we want
to see it translated very linearly. But for me, since
two thousand and eight, I'm still getting downloads. I had
experiences with others in that space that I didn't recollect
in that time that are still coming through, like my
great grandfather, my uncles who had transitioned ancestors from different timelines,
light beings, angels, archangels, ascended masters, Jesus, Mother Mary.
Speaker 1: It just went on and on and on.
Speaker 2: They appeared to me, but I was nobody and no
one needed to communicate.
Speaker 1: It was all just a knowing. It was just a
knowing completely. Everything woke up for me.
Speaker 2: Mine have all always led me back to the love
of myself, my true divine nature. They never lead me
to you know, I say birth guide, Bernadette, Right, all
gods must die. There's only one true master here, and
we're a part of it. So each of these expressions
has shown up as a guide for me. But there's
also an internal knowing that's also part of God, part
of source. So how can Jesus be everywhere because he's
just an internal play running in the dialogue of the
human being that's never been separate from you at all.
Why there's a consistency that there's tunnels and things in
these NDEs that we all kind of feel there's some
relatable peace to because there's no separation. If you say oneness, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're already off the mark.
Speaker 1: You're already off of it.
Speaker 2: Your mental capacity has gone to something mystical mind didn't.
I kept being pulled back to myself. But the only
thing I want from you is love. I just want
to recognize you as you are.
Speaker 1: It's that simple. So I guess what.
Speaker 2: I'm saying is earnestness seems to be the only thing
I can say that feels like it's my responsibility. And
I'll say a little more to that because I think
it's really important, like anyone else at the end of
the day, and I know everyone on this path.
Speaker 1: Will say that.
Speaker 2: But I can't go back because enough of this is
unraveled now that there is an internal calling home within
each of us, and that earnestness just seems to grab
a hold, that robotic knowingness that there's more fulfillment here
than there is out there. And to me, my relationships
are far more intimate and fulfilling now because I fill
that cup first. But absolutely there's a restlessness inside of us.
The ego wants to keep pulling us into the game.