1 00:00:00,240 --> 00:00:03,160 Speaker 1: Tell me what you lived was like before you died. 2 00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,880 I grew up in a chaotic family. 3 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:15,039 Speaker 2: I had two alcoholic parents and a lot of destruction 4 00:00:15,439 --> 00:00:16,199 and breakdown. 5 00:00:16,559 --> 00:00:16,800 Speaker 1: You know. 6 00:00:16,879 --> 00:00:23,039 Speaker 2: I literally just navigated life to the next obstacle and 7 00:00:23,079 --> 00:00:28,239 then I could sabotage, and then I got to say, see. 8 00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:30,839 Speaker 1: See life, this is what it is. 9 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,359 Speaker 2: And so it just kind of kept going from there, 10 00:00:34,719 --> 00:00:38,119 and that just built up over time until you know, 11 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:41,359 the dialogue became a parent that I lived with what 12 00:00:41,399 --> 00:00:42,600 I called a Plan D. 13 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:46,159 Speaker 1: And I didn't know that most people didn't have a 14 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,079 Plan D or lived that way. 15 00:00:48,359 --> 00:00:51,280 Speaker 2: For me, there was the normal plans A through C 16 00:00:51,679 --> 00:00:55,600 that we all kind of have when destruction or chaos happens. 17 00:00:56,039 --> 00:00:59,640 But in my world, Plan D was always an option 18 00:00:59,799 --> 00:01:04,840 andande was I can exit stage left whenever I want, and. 19 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:05,840 Speaker 1: It is my choice. 20 00:01:06,159 --> 00:01:09,359 Speaker 2: And I lived with that with ideation that was always 21 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,959 humming in the background. There were a lot of things 22 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,799 going on in my life. I was an American who 23 00:01:14,799 --> 00:01:17,480 had picked up with a small child. He was fourteen 24 00:01:17,519 --> 00:01:20,120 months old, my son when we moved abroad to New 25 00:01:20,200 --> 00:01:23,680 Zealand on this little tiny island, and I had just 26 00:01:23,719 --> 00:01:26,879 gone through a horrific full blown hystorrekt to me in 27 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:31,359 a divorce all at once. And part of the divorce 28 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,159 agreement that I made with my ex husband was that 29 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,400 New Zealand would be a really positive place to raise 30 00:01:37,439 --> 00:01:40,319 our son as a single mother as a project manager 31 00:01:40,359 --> 00:01:43,719 by trade, and so finding work there with my ex 32 00:01:43,799 --> 00:01:46,719 husband being a New Zealander made sense. And I now 33 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:49,439 look at it and think I was either insane or 34 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:54,439 absolutely brave or something bigger than I had a bigger plan, 35 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,840 which we all know is likely the case. And off 36 00:01:57,879 --> 00:02:02,640 to New Zealand I went, and in that movement with 37 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:06,879 everything that was going on, it started to create the 38 00:02:06,959 --> 00:02:11,280 atmosphere of recognition that other people didn't live with a 39 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:14,039 plan D Because I was starting to have some healthy 40 00:02:14,120 --> 00:02:16,879 experiences in life, I met a new partner who was 41 00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:19,879 also an American in New Zealand. He and I formed 42 00:02:19,919 --> 00:02:24,319 a relationship. Some healthy things started to happen and transpire 43 00:02:24,439 --> 00:02:29,360 for me. But as we often know with depression, anxiety 44 00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:33,759 and trauma, if it's untreated, it will resurface. And that's 45 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,280 absolutely what started to happen. 46 00:02:36,039 --> 00:02:37,800 Speaker 1: For me at that stage. 47 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:40,280 Speaker 2: I was really blessed to have a loving partner who 48 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:44,199 also recognized that I was willing to talk about it, 49 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,719 and I put on a brave face. I would just 50 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:50,280 live life normally and happily, and then when everyone went 51 00:02:50,319 --> 00:02:52,400 to bed, I would climb in the shower and turn 52 00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:54,599 the shower on and sit on the ground and cry. 53 00:02:55,039 --> 00:02:58,560 I have empathy for this one because I'm not her anymore, 54 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:01,000 don't even know her, but I love her. 55 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:02,719 Speaker 1: I love what she went through. 56 00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,360 Speaker 2: And so many people do live that way, they just 57 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,840 don't have a name for it like I did. So 58 00:03:07,879 --> 00:03:11,759 the catalyst really was once I started getting healthy, I 59 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,719 realized how absolutely unhealthy I was, the iron eath, the 60 00:03:15,759 --> 00:03:20,520 Grand Paradox, and so then confiding in a loving partner 61 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:24,039 who could hold space for me, I started getting into counseling. 62 00:03:24,439 --> 00:03:29,439 That's where things got messy because I was not someone 63 00:03:29,479 --> 00:03:32,919 who'd ever taken medication, and I'm very sensitive and I'm 64 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:36,960 not a drinker. And they immediately put me on antidepressants 65 00:03:37,439 --> 00:03:41,680 and anti anxiety and medication and sleeping pills, and so 66 00:03:41,919 --> 00:03:46,759 this escalated everything, and I just kept showing back up 67 00:03:46,759 --> 00:03:51,159 and saying I'm getting sicker. The ideation is louder. I 68 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:54,479 was very honest, and they just kept adjusting, adjusting, adjusting. 69 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:57,080 And then one day I went in and they went 70 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,240 to adjust and I heard in my internal dialogue, we're 71 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:03,039 done here. That was the final straw. And from that 72 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:06,919 moment I stopped taking the medication and I started saving it, 73 00:04:07,159 --> 00:04:12,120 and all of a sudden, this last compression feeling came 74 00:04:12,159 --> 00:04:14,319 over me, and poof, I was out of the body, 75 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,720 above the suv, looking down at the body, and there 76 00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:22,000 was just an awareness of that body moving and very 77 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:25,759 uncomfortable going through some what looked like very miserable things. 78 00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,600 But I felt none of it. I didn't feel empathy, 79 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:32,439 I didn't feel regret, I didn't feel shame, I didn't 80 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:37,120 feel sadness, I didn't feel happy. I felt just flat, 81 00:04:37,519 --> 00:04:42,120 stoic and just an awareness of what was seeing to transpire, 82 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,199 like I was watching a TV show of someone I 83 00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:48,279 didn't know. So as this popping and crackling went on again, 84 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,639 time and space are so weird to talk about it, 85 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:54,000 I just had this knowingness, as the only way I 86 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:58,160 can describe it, that this felt familiar and safe, and 87 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:01,399 that I didn't need to try and go anywhere, just 88 00:05:01,519 --> 00:05:04,680 trust what was happening. And since there wasn't a drive 89 00:05:04,879 --> 00:05:07,360 to get back in the body, and there was no 90 00:05:07,519 --> 00:05:10,560 curiosity or thoughts about where to go. I don't know 91 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,879 how much time I was there, but the next thing 92 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:16,079 I knew, the popping and the crack thing intensified again, 93 00:05:16,319 --> 00:05:21,000 the sensation of that upward pulling a rose again. And 94 00:05:21,040 --> 00:05:24,079 then all of a sudden, there was this thrust and 95 00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,000 I knew I wasn't a body, and all of a 96 00:05:26,040 --> 00:05:30,639 sudden I burst into this darkness I call it the void. 97 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:34,120 Everything was black, and I was all of it. I 98 00:05:34,279 --> 00:05:38,360 wasn't something experiencing it. I was it. It was the 99 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:43,959 most loving and beautiful experience I've ever had, and literally 100 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,759 the closest thing I can use to describe it to 101 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,279 was the first time I held my son as a 102 00:05:49,319 --> 00:05:51,800 baby and looked into his eyes and I felt that 103 00:05:52,079 --> 00:05:55,879 love you just cannot recreate. And it was that times 104 00:05:55,920 --> 00:05:59,839 a million. I felt held, I felt loved. Call it God, 105 00:06:00,079 --> 00:06:03,040 call it source, call it universe. I just knew that 106 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:06,759 I was it. I wasn't a part of it. I 107 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,639 wasn't trying to be near it. 108 00:06:08,879 --> 00:06:10,879 Speaker 1: I was it. I was all of it. 109 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:15,279 Speaker 2: And this expansion, like you know, imagine a sardine that's 110 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,920 been in a can, and that can's been rolled open, 111 00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:22,279 and all of a sudden, you know, this floppy no 112 00:06:22,519 --> 00:06:25,720 body energy just expands beyond. 113 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:29,959 Speaker 1: We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor, 114 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:34,879 and now back to the show. 115 00:06:36,959 --> 00:06:40,399 Speaker 2: And you know, the recollection is less about what was 116 00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,959 happening and more about almost the perimeter of it all 117 00:06:44,079 --> 00:06:45,480 just becoming open to me. 118 00:06:45,680 --> 00:06:46,439 Speaker 1: I was space. 119 00:06:46,879 --> 00:06:49,920 Speaker 2: And as I was feeling the love of all this again, 120 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:54,199 not understanding time and space, the popping and the crackling 121 00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:58,519 began again, and I just relaxed into the love of it. 122 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:00,839 And the only thing I can just describe was another 123 00:07:00,959 --> 00:07:04,839 kind of upward pull to a nobody and hsh. I 124 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:09,120 was thrust into the most beautiful pink I have ever seen, 125 00:07:09,319 --> 00:07:12,839 and it You know, I consider myself a creative person. 126 00:07:12,879 --> 00:07:16,079 I've tried to recreate that pink. There's no color like 127 00:07:16,199 --> 00:07:19,199 it here, and I will just say it is the faintest, 128 00:07:19,279 --> 00:07:22,920 most baby soft pink. But I wasn't seeing it. 129 00:07:23,279 --> 00:07:23,839 Speaker 1: I was it. 130 00:07:24,279 --> 00:07:27,720 Speaker 2: I was the expression of it, knowing itself. There were 131 00:07:27,759 --> 00:07:33,000 these smells I likened to, like a guardenia flower, very 132 00:07:33,079 --> 00:07:36,519 potent and powerful, but I wasn't smelling them. I was 133 00:07:37,079 --> 00:07:41,600 the smell. And these choirs you know. I truly believe 134 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,040 it was angelic. You know, I was just it. It 135 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,079 wasn't happening for me. I was all of it. And 136 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:52,199 that continued again. I don't know how long. No time 137 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:56,000 in space makes sense here, but I just had this again, 138 00:07:56,079 --> 00:08:00,959 almost an intuitive knowingness that something was beck me. For 139 00:08:01,079 --> 00:08:05,000 lack of better terms, and without being a body, without 140 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,519 having thoughts, yet feeling very familiar and. 141 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,920 Speaker 1: Calm, I just again just trusted it. 142 00:08:12,199 --> 00:08:14,839 Speaker 2: And the next thing I knew, I was with that, 143 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:18,439 and for the first time I had a visual in 144 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:22,040 this experience that wasn't me, and that visual I just 145 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:28,120 knew intuitively was Archangel Gabriel. And growing up Catholic and Catholicism, 146 00:08:28,279 --> 00:08:32,279 I do believe that our NDEs tend to bring forward 147 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,559 things that we feel familiar with in the lifetime. So 148 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,279 for me, Catholicism had a lot of beauty, and the 149 00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:43,320 angelic realm did, and I just trusted it and I felt. 150 00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:45,799 Speaker 1: The beckoning, and so there were no words. 151 00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:50,080 Speaker 2: I was still no body, and as it was moving ahead, 152 00:08:50,519 --> 00:08:53,799 I just was moving with it and I didn't have 153 00:08:53,879 --> 00:08:57,279 to guide it. It just intuitively knew what to do. And 154 00:08:57,320 --> 00:09:00,960 the next thing I knew I was in this space 155 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:01,519 I call. 156 00:09:01,399 --> 00:09:04,679 Speaker 1: It a tomb or a cave, or you know, like 157 00:09:04,759 --> 00:09:06,480 a mosque, and I was there. 158 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:11,240 Speaker 2: And this is often, I think referred to as a 159 00:09:11,279 --> 00:09:15,480 life review. I don't necessarily call it that because mine 160 00:09:15,559 --> 00:09:18,759 was very unique, just like my whole NDE and that 161 00:09:19,399 --> 00:09:24,279 all around me appearing, not being a body, not having thoughts, 162 00:09:24,799 --> 00:09:28,320 was just every expression that I had lived for thirty 163 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:29,000 eight years. 164 00:09:29,440 --> 00:09:33,039 Speaker 1: But I wasn't watching it. I was reliving it as 165 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:33,960 it was happening. 166 00:09:34,159 --> 00:09:38,440 Speaker 2: And it was almost like a high five for every experience. 167 00:09:38,559 --> 00:09:41,480 Speaker 1: There was no that was bad, There was no this 168 00:09:41,559 --> 00:09:45,519 is karma, this is sin. It was just almost like celebration. 169 00:09:45,799 --> 00:09:48,960 You did that, Look at that. That's amazing. Isn't that incredible? 170 00:09:49,159 --> 00:09:52,320 And so there was just joy in it, peacefulness. 171 00:09:52,519 --> 00:09:55,440 Speaker 2: It's really interesting because we're linear beings and we want 172 00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:59,000 to see it translated very linearly. But for me, since 173 00:09:59,039 --> 00:10:02,399 two thousand and eight, I'm still getting downloads. I had 174 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:07,159 experiences with others in that space that I didn't recollect 175 00:10:07,279 --> 00:10:10,080 in that time that are still coming through, like my 176 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:15,919 great grandfather, my uncles who had transitioned ancestors from different timelines, 177 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:22,879 light beings, angels, archangels, ascended masters, Jesus, Mother Mary. 178 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,879 Speaker 1: It just went on and on and on. 179 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:29,200 Speaker 2: They appeared to me, but I was nobody and no 180 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:30,679 one needed to communicate. 181 00:10:30,759 --> 00:10:33,320 Speaker 1: It was all just a knowing. It was just a 182 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:37,080 knowing completely. Everything woke up for me. 183 00:10:37,559 --> 00:10:40,679 Speaker 2: Mine have all always led me back to the love 184 00:10:40,799 --> 00:10:44,360 of myself, my true divine nature. They never lead me 185 00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:48,039 to you know, I say birth guide, Bernadette, Right, all 186 00:10:48,159 --> 00:10:51,840 gods must die. There's only one true master here, and 187 00:10:51,879 --> 00:10:54,919 we're a part of it. So each of these expressions 188 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,360 has shown up as a guide for me. But there's 189 00:10:57,399 --> 00:11:00,879 also an internal knowing that's also part of God, part 190 00:11:00,919 --> 00:11:05,279 of source. So how can Jesus be everywhere because he's 191 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:09,000 just an internal play running in the dialogue of the 192 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,840 human being that's never been separate from you at all. 193 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:17,120 Why there's a consistency that there's tunnels and things in 194 00:11:17,159 --> 00:11:20,080 these NDEs that we all kind of feel there's some 195 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:26,519 relatable peace to because there's no separation. If you say oneness, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 196 00:11:26,559 --> 00:11:27,919 you're already off the mark. 197 00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,039 Speaker 1: You're already off of it. 198 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:33,720 Speaker 2: Your mental capacity has gone to something mystical mind didn't. 199 00:11:34,039 --> 00:11:36,639 I kept being pulled back to myself. But the only 200 00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:38,960 thing I want from you is love. I just want 201 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,440 to recognize you as you are. 202 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:42,759 Speaker 1: It's that simple. So I guess what. 203 00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:46,919 Speaker 2: I'm saying is earnestness seems to be the only thing 204 00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,679 I can say that feels like it's my responsibility. And 205 00:11:50,759 --> 00:11:52,559 I'll say a little more to that because I think 206 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:56,120 it's really important, like anyone else at the end of 207 00:11:56,159 --> 00:11:58,799 the day, and I know everyone on this path. 208 00:11:58,600 --> 00:11:59,159 Speaker 1: Will say that. 209 00:11:59,639 --> 00:12:03,120 Speaker 2: But I can't go back because enough of this is 210 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:07,840 unraveled now that there is an internal calling home within 211 00:12:07,879 --> 00:12:12,080 each of us, and that earnestness just seems to grab 212 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:16,799 a hold, that robotic knowingness that there's more fulfillment here 213 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,879 than there is out there. And to me, my relationships 214 00:12:20,919 --> 00:12:23,960 are far more intimate and fulfilling now because I fill 215 00:12:24,039 --> 00:12:29,000 that cup first. But absolutely there's a restlessness inside of us. 216 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,320 The ego wants to keep pulling us into the game.