WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.600 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k 2 00:00:02.879 --> 00:00:05.440 I AM six forty The Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on 3 00:00:05.519 --> 00:00:09.599 demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:09.640 --> 00:00:13.119 Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere 5 00:00:13.480 --> 00:00:16.359 on the iHeartRadio app. If you're new to my show. 6 00:00:16.480 --> 00:00:21.160 I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, 7 00:00:21.839 --> 00:00:25.960 but I am obsessed with the science of love. I 8 00:00:26.000 --> 00:00:29.640 often think we do the weirdest and wackiest things as 9 00:00:29.760 --> 00:00:32.880 human beings, all in the name of love. And I've 10 00:00:32.960 --> 00:00:36.240 always asked the question, why why do we do that? 11 00:00:37.039 --> 00:00:40.479 What can we do to keep our relationships happier and healthier? 12 00:00:40.880 --> 00:00:45.799 How can we love each other more? And hey, producer Kayla, 13 00:00:45.799 --> 00:00:46.320 how you doing. 14 00:00:46.560 --> 00:00:47.799 I'm wonderful, Doctor Wendy. 15 00:00:47.880 --> 00:00:51.000 Have you been following? It's not really a relationship thing, 16 00:00:51.119 --> 00:00:55.359 but kind of it is the Justin Baldoni Blake Lively 17 00:00:55.640 --> 00:00:56.719 legal troubles. 18 00:00:57.200 --> 00:00:59.039 Honestly, I feel like you can't avoid it, disease. 19 00:00:59.159 --> 00:01:02.240 I'll sue you, you sue me. Okay, here we go. 20 00:01:02.960 --> 00:01:07.439 So for those who don't know, here's what happened. There's 21 00:01:07.480 --> 00:01:10.920 this movie called It Ends with Us, and it is 22 00:01:11.319 --> 00:01:14.400 about domestic violence. And by the way, you know who 23 00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:16.840 the US is at the end, it's not the two 24 00:01:16.879 --> 00:01:18.760 of them. Shall I give it away the end of 25 00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:24.159 this this call of spoilers? Okay, So there's a movie 26 00:01:24.200 --> 00:01:27.480 called It Ends with Us where Blake Lively pays a 27 00:01:27.519 --> 00:01:30.480 woman who she owns a flower shop. I think her 28 00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:34.040 name is last name is Bloom or something, and he's, 29 00:01:34.120 --> 00:01:37.400 of course a brain surgeon with a rack of abs 30 00:01:37.519 --> 00:01:40.439 and all hot, right, come on, right, So it's like 31 00:01:40.480 --> 00:01:42.920 a little Cinderella story and they meet, it's like hot 32 00:01:42.959 --> 00:01:45.519 and heavy and everything's great. But all the little signs 33 00:01:45.560 --> 00:01:49.040 start to show that he clearly has an anxious attachment disorder. 34 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:52.400 I'm not diagnosing. I'm just saying I've read some things. 35 00:01:52.760 --> 00:01:55.719 And he's trying to control her, and he's worried about 36 00:01:55.719 --> 00:01:58.200 her because you know, there's this X that shows up 37 00:01:58.280 --> 00:02:00.799 and he's all worried, right, an X from when she 38 00:02:00.840 --> 00:02:04.079 was like a teenager or something, but whatever, And so 39 00:02:04.120 --> 00:02:06.439 of course it turns into messic violins and she leaves. 40 00:02:06.480 --> 00:02:09.759 There's pregnancy, there's maybe there's this, there's that. So anyway, 41 00:02:09.960 --> 00:02:14.560 Blake Lively, who's very powerful in Hollywood and talented and 42 00:02:14.680 --> 00:02:18.479 is married to another megastar, Ryan. I always get the 43 00:02:18.560 --> 00:02:24.599 Ryans mixed up. Ryan Gosling, Nope, No, Bryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds. Okay, 44 00:02:24.639 --> 00:02:27.400 so she's married to Ryan Roelds. So supposedly she's got 45 00:02:27.439 --> 00:02:29.520 three four kids. She was nursing one whatever, it's the 46 00:02:29.520 --> 00:02:32.599 whole thing postpartum on the set. There was some talk 47 00:02:32.639 --> 00:02:35.680 about him not turning his back when she was having 48 00:02:35.719 --> 00:02:38.560 some body makeup removed. There was some talk of him 49 00:02:38.560 --> 00:02:41.599 saying things like you, your wardrobe needs to be sexier. Anyway, 50 00:02:41.680 --> 00:02:45.919 she felt sexually harassed, and so she went to them 51 00:02:46.000 --> 00:02:48.199 and basically said, hey, don't do this anymore. So they 52 00:02:48.240 --> 00:02:50.120 signed some kind of new clause. They made some kind 53 00:02:50.159 --> 00:02:53.319 of agreement, but as part of the agreement, he was 54 00:02:53.319 --> 00:02:57.199 not allowed to retaliate against her for having complained. Well, 55 00:02:57.919 --> 00:03:01.280 according to the gossip out there, he got his publicist 56 00:03:01.319 --> 00:03:03.080 to go and say kind of bad things about her. 57 00:03:03.280 --> 00:03:04.919 We don't know for sure the truth is going to 58 00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:08.120 come out in trial. So anyway, she sues him, and 59 00:03:08.159 --> 00:03:11.560 then he turns around and counter sues Blake Lively and 60 00:03:11.639 --> 00:03:14.800 Ryan Reynolds for four hundred million dollars and then the 61 00:03:14.840 --> 00:03:18.520 tit for tat goes. They're back and forth in the media, arguing, arguing, arguing, 62 00:03:18.560 --> 00:03:22.840 saying things. And last week he created a website of 63 00:03:23.360 --> 00:03:27.159 the lawsuit. Some they're all about the lawsuit dot com 64 00:03:27.240 --> 00:03:29.759 or something and it just a simple thing. And he 65 00:03:30.439 --> 00:03:35.000 put out a long, one hundred and sixty page document 66 00:03:35.560 --> 00:03:38.280 of which, okay, I'm not gonna lie. I scanned a 67 00:03:38.280 --> 00:03:40.360 lot of it, some went past, some I stopped because 68 00:03:40.400 --> 00:03:43.280 there was some interesting language to slow down for. And 69 00:03:44.719 --> 00:03:49.039 he's basically trying his case in all of our minds. Now, 70 00:03:49.280 --> 00:03:52.240 before I tell you the latest news on this, Kayla, 71 00:03:52.919 --> 00:03:55.759 have you seen the movie. I've seen clips of it. 72 00:03:55.800 --> 00:03:57.599 I didn't watch the whole thing through. It's hard to 73 00:03:57.599 --> 00:03:59.240 watch because it's bad movie. So I think you're gonna 74 00:03:59.240 --> 00:04:01.879 say this is my opinion. Okay, I'm not a movie critic, 75 00:04:01.919 --> 00:04:06.479 but it's bad movie. Maybe it's bad because if you 76 00:04:06.560 --> 00:04:09.039 believe the two of them and what went on, there 77 00:04:09.039 --> 00:04:11.000 were too many chefs in the kitchen and too many 78 00:04:11.039 --> 00:04:13.759 people putting notes on and wasn't just one person's vision 79 00:04:13.840 --> 00:04:15.680 telling a story. And I don't know who had the 80 00:04:15.719 --> 00:04:18.279 better notes and who wanted the changes. I think that's 81 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:20.279 what their fight really might have been about, just a 82 00:04:20.319 --> 00:04:24.639 power struggle about you know. Anyway, did you think they 83 00:04:24.639 --> 00:04:25.319 had chemistry? 84 00:04:25.879 --> 00:04:26.240 I did. 85 00:04:26.279 --> 00:04:28.199 They had a lot of sexy scenes, but it. 86 00:04:28.199 --> 00:04:30.560 Could be because I think that he's so hot, so 87 00:04:30.600 --> 00:04:32.439 it's like, how could you not love him? 88 00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:36.800 After all these scenes? I saw something different. How did 89 00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:41.240 you see anger and discomfort in her eyes? I saw 90 00:04:41.279 --> 00:04:43.279 her acting. You rolled your eyes when I said that. 91 00:04:43.399 --> 00:04:45.839 Because stop it. 92 00:04:46.439 --> 00:04:49.720 I did not see chemistry. I saw somebody who begrudgingly 93 00:04:49.759 --> 00:04:52.160 showed up for the scene and did her best work. 94 00:04:52.240 --> 00:04:55.040 But clearly she was acting. I don't know. I have 95 00:04:55.079 --> 00:04:56.920 to say. Nobody was going to see the movie It 96 00:04:57.079 --> 00:04:59.759 Ends with Us, But now that everybody's constantly talking about 97 00:04:59.759 --> 00:05:03.839 this trial, they're seeing it. Okay, So here's the news. 98 00:05:03.920 --> 00:05:08.800 This week. There was a court date finally, but neither 99 00:05:09.959 --> 00:05:12.639 what's his name, Justin Baldoni or Blake Lively showed up. 100 00:05:12.639 --> 00:05:15.240 They didn't have to, okay, both their attorneys showed up. 101 00:05:15.279 --> 00:05:19.040 Attorneys for Blake Lively and the director co star of 102 00:05:19.079 --> 00:05:22.519 It Ends with Us, Justin Baldoni, whom she is accused 103 00:05:22.560 --> 00:05:26.360 of sexually harassing her. They met in federal court for 104 00:05:26.399 --> 00:05:30.800 the first time this week, and what was really interesting 105 00:05:31.319 --> 00:05:35.759 is that the judge is mad that they're talking about 106 00:05:35.800 --> 00:05:40.959 it so much in the media. Judge Lewis Lyman advised 107 00:05:41.000 --> 00:05:44.839 the attorneys of those two people to avoid making any 108 00:05:44.879 --> 00:05:50.839 statements in public that could prejudice the proceedings. Basically, he said, 109 00:05:51.000 --> 00:05:54.720 if these two keep trying to litigate this case in 110 00:05:54.800 --> 00:05:59.079 the press, the judge is going to move up the trial. Now. 111 00:05:59.279 --> 00:06:00.879 I don't know why that it's bad news. Don't you 112 00:06:00.879 --> 00:06:04.000 want it to happen sooner? But March twenty sixth, a 113 00:06:04.079 --> 00:06:08.759 whole year, really, a whole year from now, is when 114 00:06:08.759 --> 00:06:11.160 we're going to find out about that thing. Can you 115 00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:14.560 believe it? I don't know. I don't know if I 116 00:06:14.560 --> 00:06:16.560 can wait that long. It's going to be another TRIALI century. 117 00:06:16.600 --> 00:06:19.120 Do you think they'll let a cameratten think it's going 118 00:06:19.199 --> 00:06:20.160 to be a I hope so. 119 00:06:20.279 --> 00:06:23.279 But if he's all mad about the public being involved, now, 120 00:06:23.279 --> 00:06:25.319 I don't know how much he wants them more involved, 121 00:06:25.360 --> 00:06:26.319 you know, I don't know. 122 00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:29.480 We'll see, Okay, stay with us when we come back. 123 00:06:29.680 --> 00:06:33.040 I have a story of a romance scam, or you 124 00:06:33.079 --> 00:06:37.439 could call it catfishing, or you could call it mental 125 00:06:37.480 --> 00:06:41.480 illness on display of an American woman who flew halfway 126 00:06:41.519 --> 00:06:43.920 around the world to meet the man she fell in 127 00:06:43.920 --> 00:06:47.160 loved with, only to be told by his family it's 128 00:06:47.240 --> 00:06:51.240 not going to happen. It's kind of a sad story, 129 00:06:51.240 --> 00:06:53.040 but there are news for us in it of how 130 00:06:53.040 --> 00:06:56.920 we can protect ourselves from romance scams and catfishes. And 131 00:06:57.240 --> 00:06:59.759 later in the show, if you're an online gamer, or 132 00:06:59.800 --> 00:07:02.920 you're parent of a child or adolescent who likes to 133 00:07:02.920 --> 00:07:06.439 game online, do not leave. I've got a parenting expert 134 00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:09.079 who's going to talk about how you can keep your 135 00:07:09.160 --> 00:07:10.800 kids safe online. 136 00:07:12.040 --> 00:07:16.279 You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 137 00:07:16.480 --> 00:07:17.680 AM six forty. 138 00:07:18.680 --> 00:07:23.040 I want to talk about, particularly in my opinion, sad, 139 00:07:23.319 --> 00:07:27.040 sad story that's going on in the media about a 140 00:07:27.040 --> 00:07:30.720 woman who fell in love online, flew halfway around the 141 00:07:30.720 --> 00:07:33.240 world to meet the man she was in love with, 142 00:07:33.560 --> 00:07:37.240 only to be told by his family go home. Now. 143 00:07:37.279 --> 00:07:39.360 There are a few more details about this story, and 144 00:07:39.399 --> 00:07:42.240 before I get to it, I want everyone to understand 145 00:07:42.240 --> 00:07:44.399 the definitions of two different things that I talk about 146 00:07:44.399 --> 00:07:48.720 a lot. One is Catfish. Now, if you've never seen 147 00:07:49.040 --> 00:07:52.680 is it still on MTV? The MTV show Catfish. It 148 00:07:52.720 --> 00:07:55.680 began with a documentary I don't know, feels like ten 149 00:07:55.759 --> 00:08:01.920 years ago, a documentary about a guy. His brother decided 150 00:08:01.920 --> 00:08:04.519 to document it. And they're kind of famous. They were 151 00:08:04.519 --> 00:08:07.160 famous then too, or no, no, got famous afterwards. I 152 00:08:07.160 --> 00:08:10.439 think they're both good looking, those guys, those brothers, and 153 00:08:10.560 --> 00:08:13.079 one of them had been conversing with a woman who 154 00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:17.399 he thought was a very famous or talented ballerina in 155 00:08:17.399 --> 00:08:21.399 the New York City Ballet and their relationship got very, 156 00:08:21.480 --> 00:08:25.360 very very intimate. A lot of letters and gifts were sent, 157 00:08:25.920 --> 00:08:28.000 but there was always a reason why she couldn't meet 158 00:08:28.000 --> 00:08:31.240 in the real world. Now this is the beginning of catfishing, right. 159 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:35.519 We know now that there are people sadly, lonely, people 160 00:08:35.840 --> 00:08:39.080 who have many different email accounts, many different cell phones, 161 00:08:39.399 --> 00:08:43.559 maintain all kinds of relationships with people online. And that 162 00:08:43.679 --> 00:08:47.759 documentary launched a series that has been going on for 163 00:08:47.799 --> 00:08:50.639 probably a decade, a long time. You can look that 164 00:08:50.720 --> 00:08:52.480 up for me, Kayla, I don't know, a long time. 165 00:08:52.879 --> 00:08:57.679 And they so when the two brothers made the documentary, 166 00:08:57.679 --> 00:09:07.320 by going out to find this woman, they found a married, lonely, unhealthy, 167 00:09:08.279 --> 00:09:17.240 older woman with two adult sons with severe disabilities and 168 00:09:17.320 --> 00:09:21.639 mental disabilities, and her life was caring for them. And 169 00:09:21.679 --> 00:09:25.320 the thing that was beautiful about the documentary is that 170 00:09:25.399 --> 00:09:27.720 it wasn't saying, ah, look at this crazy old lady, 171 00:09:27.759 --> 00:09:30.720 and oh, this is the young pretending to be a ballerina. 172 00:09:30.759 --> 00:09:36.679 This was an example of vulnerability. This is the documentary 173 00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:40.799 really looked at her situation and how hard her life was. 174 00:09:41.639 --> 00:09:45.759 So it launched the show and apparently there is never 175 00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:48.799 ending amount of stories about people who contact the show 176 00:09:48.840 --> 00:09:50.360 and say, I've been in love with this person. We've 177 00:09:50.360 --> 00:09:52.840 been dating online for three years. Three years, they'll say, 178 00:09:52.879 --> 00:09:55.480 sometimes two years, one year, or four months whatever. They 179 00:09:55.519 --> 00:09:57.840 can't get together in the real world. Can you find them? 180 00:09:57.840 --> 00:09:59.919 And then they do some like high tech to tech 181 00:10:00.279 --> 00:10:03.080 slew thing they find the person. The person is never 182 00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:06.600 the person they say they are. Either they're a different age, 183 00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:08.840 a different gender, a different body weight, they live in 184 00:10:08.840 --> 00:10:10.879 a totally different place, they have a totally different job, 185 00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:16.480 or whatever, but they are living out their fantasies by well, 186 00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:20.679 the word is catfishing, by duping people by lying about 187 00:10:20.679 --> 00:10:24.679 who they are, So that's catfishing. Romance scams a little 188 00:10:24.679 --> 00:10:28.679 bit different. Romance scam is people pretending knowingly to be 189 00:10:28.759 --> 00:10:31.919 someone else so they can trick someone online into giving 190 00:10:32.159 --> 00:10:35.120 them money. Well, the next story I'm about to share 191 00:10:35.159 --> 00:10:38.840 with you is both a catfish and a romance scam, 192 00:10:39.080 --> 00:10:43.879 all wrapped up in won. Supposedly, she's back in the 193 00:10:44.039 --> 00:10:47.320 US now. She flew back this week. This is an 194 00:10:47.360 --> 00:10:51.360 American woman from New York who says she was jilted 195 00:10:51.960 --> 00:10:55.200 by a nineteen year old man she met online, and 196 00:10:55.240 --> 00:10:58.759 so she has made several pleas on social media for money. 197 00:10:58.840 --> 00:11:02.360 Now here's the story. This woman is thirty three years old. 198 00:11:02.519 --> 00:11:04.039 I'm not going to say her name because I do 199 00:11:04.120 --> 00:11:08.039 not want to publicly shame her. More, she met a 200 00:11:08.240 --> 00:11:12.440 nineteen year old Pakistani man online and felt the two 201 00:11:12.480 --> 00:11:16.320 of them fell deeply in love. And you know what, 202 00:11:16.399 --> 00:11:22.000 when we are projecting our desires and our fantasies in 203 00:11:22.039 --> 00:11:24.840 a bunch of words and texts, we will read anything 204 00:11:25.039 --> 00:11:28.960 into anything. So she decided she was going to fly 205 00:11:29.080 --> 00:11:32.120 to Pakistan. She was going to meet him, she was 206 00:11:32.200 --> 00:11:38.240 going to get married. She arrives and the family meets 207 00:11:38.279 --> 00:11:41.879 her and sees that, you know, she's fourteen years older 208 00:11:41.919 --> 00:11:47.519 than him, and maybe they sensed that her mental health 209 00:11:47.639 --> 00:11:50.159 was not so great. And so they said, I'm sorry, 210 00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:54.679 it's not going to happen. So the problem was, after 211 00:11:54.720 --> 00:11:58.759 this family and this young man rejected her, she had 212 00:11:58.759 --> 00:12:02.279 nowhere to go. She'd run out of money, her visa, 213 00:12:02.360 --> 00:12:05.759 her tourism visa was going to expire. In her mind, 214 00:12:06.679 --> 00:12:13.240 she was there to be a bride, right. So then 215 00:12:13.440 --> 00:12:17.039 the Pakistani media started making a big deal about this. 216 00:12:17.679 --> 00:12:22.080 She got to hold press conferences and sadly, this is 217 00:12:22.159 --> 00:12:27.639 how we sometimes shame people with mental health problems. In 218 00:12:27.720 --> 00:12:33.240 several clips, she is adamantly expressing a desire to improve 219 00:12:33.480 --> 00:12:39.720 the municipal services in Pakistan, the infrastructure, the bus service, 220 00:12:39.840 --> 00:12:45.200 and well, you can listen to her and figure it out. 221 00:12:45.200 --> 00:12:48.519 Reason why, I'm not saying that my plan is to 222 00:12:48.600 --> 00:12:55.240 reconstruct this whole country. Okay, I'm asking for one hundred 223 00:12:55.360 --> 00:13:00.120 k or more. I need twenty k by this week 224 00:13:00.399 --> 00:13:05.440 in my pockets in cash. Okay, that's a demand to 225 00:13:05.519 --> 00:13:09.000 the government. The government is gonna fix up these buildings, 226 00:13:09.080 --> 00:13:12.080 fix up the streets, and clean up these streets. It's 227 00:13:12.159 --> 00:13:14.039 ridiculous out here. I do not like it. 228 00:13:14.919 --> 00:13:19.919 Yeah, she's asking for twenty thousand dollars cash in her pocket. 229 00:13:20.679 --> 00:13:25.399 There are a series of videos she's made on social media, and. 230 00:13:25.159 --> 00:13:27.799 I think that she actually her and the eighteen nineteen 231 00:13:27.879 --> 00:13:33.000 year old were married online the Muslim Way before she 232 00:13:33.039 --> 00:13:34.840 even went out there, so she came out there for. 233 00:13:34.799 --> 00:13:38.840 Her she thinks religiously she's married exactly. I wonder if 234 00:13:38.879 --> 00:13:42.000 they have to go get that annulled by the church. 235 00:13:42.440 --> 00:13:44.720 I don't know, but I know a few other men 236 00:13:44.759 --> 00:13:47.639 there also. I offered her, he offered to marry her, 237 00:13:48.039 --> 00:13:48.759 but she was there. 238 00:13:48.799 --> 00:13:49.000 Yeah. 239 00:13:49.000 --> 00:13:51.879 I don't know if they wanted to exploit her, exploit 240 00:13:51.919 --> 00:13:54.039 her to come to America, but they're like, hey, if 241 00:13:54.039 --> 00:13:55.440 he doesn't want you, I'll take you. 242 00:13:56.440 --> 00:13:59.559 So apparently another man who's cropped up out of nowhere, 243 00:14:00.039 --> 00:14:02.960 old teenager, not sure the age of this person, has 244 00:14:03.000 --> 00:14:06.200 said he's her son here in America he is, and 245 00:14:06.240 --> 00:14:11.320 that she suffers from bipolar disorder. I will tell you 246 00:14:11.399 --> 00:14:14.759 that she has received help from a non government organization, 247 00:14:14.840 --> 00:14:17.240 we don't know what charity, and they paid for her 248 00:14:17.320 --> 00:14:21.120 return ticket to the United States. What I hope is 249 00:14:21.159 --> 00:14:25.039 that this young woman can get the help that she deserves, 250 00:14:25.080 --> 00:14:28.480 the mental health help, and I hope this family can heal, 251 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:31.200 that this nineteen year old can learn. You know that 252 00:14:31.360 --> 00:14:34.519 whatever you see online is not always what happens in 253 00:14:34.559 --> 00:14:37.720 real life, right, all right? When we come back, you 254 00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:40.639 know how I like to weigh in on your love 255 00:14:40.679 --> 00:14:42.519 lives because that's the kind of girl I am. I'm 256 00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:45.960 a busybody. I have a lot of life wisdom, and 257 00:14:46.480 --> 00:14:49.679 I've written three books on relationships. I'm a psychology professor, 258 00:14:49.759 --> 00:14:53.960 So why wouldn't you ask me my opinion? So, okay, okay, 259 00:14:54.960 --> 00:14:56.279 when we come back, I'm going to go to my 260 00:14:56.320 --> 00:14:58.759 social media send me a question on Instagram. The handle 261 00:14:58.840 --> 00:15:01.720 is at doctor WA Wendy Walsh. That's at d R 262 00:15:02.120 --> 00:15:02.840 Wendy Walsh. 263 00:15:02.919 --> 00:15:06.600 When we come back, you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 264 00:15:06.639 --> 00:15:09.399 on demand from KFI AM six forty. 265 00:15:09.759 --> 00:15:12.120 This is the time of the show where I get 266 00:15:12.159 --> 00:15:17.440 to weigh in on your love life because listen, I've 267 00:15:17.440 --> 00:15:20.279 had a lot of life experience. I've picked a lot 268 00:15:20.279 --> 00:15:23.759 of bad guys, and there isn't anything you could share 269 00:15:23.759 --> 00:15:27.759 with me that I haven't gone through before. Probably everything, 270 00:15:28.200 --> 00:15:31.000 I mean literally, I mean I'm not making light of 271 00:15:31.039 --> 00:15:35.120 how bad my choices were. My therapist would say that 272 00:15:35.320 --> 00:15:38.000 I was giving myself the gift of pain. For a 273 00:15:38.039 --> 00:15:45.679 lot of years. I have survived emotional abuse, sexual abuse, 274 00:15:47.360 --> 00:15:53.480 physical abuse, domestic violence, financial abuse, and I have learned 275 00:15:54.000 --> 00:15:57.240 how common it is for many, many people in their 276 00:15:57.279 --> 00:16:02.559 relationships to suffer. So to let you know, I have experience, 277 00:16:03.240 --> 00:16:06.799 but I also have understanding, and I don't judge. If 278 00:16:06.840 --> 00:16:09.720 you send me a DM, do so through my Instagram. 279 00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:14.039 The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. I will always 280 00:16:14.039 --> 00:16:17.600 protect you. I will always keep your name anonymous. Okay, 281 00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:22.240 So with that said, let me go to my dms 282 00:16:22.279 --> 00:16:25.559 and see who's slid in there during the break. Dear 283 00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:28.480 doctor Wendy, my boyfriend and I have been together for 284 00:16:28.519 --> 00:16:31.440 six years. We have two children and we live together. 285 00:16:32.159 --> 00:16:36.200 He works in another state and when he comes back, 286 00:16:37.480 --> 00:16:42.320 we're always fighting. It's really hard to stay together. Words 287 00:16:42.320 --> 00:16:46.639 of advice, please, Okay, let me say this. The research 288 00:16:46.679 --> 00:16:50.320 shows that people who have regular conflict tend to have 289 00:16:50.360 --> 00:16:53.039 healthier relationships. But let's put a pin in that for 290 00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:56.320 a minute. They tend to be small border skirmishes that 291 00:16:56.399 --> 00:17:00.600 are constant renegotiation of the boundaries. The way you're describing this, 292 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:04.119 fighting all the time, always fighting, sounds like you're not happy. 293 00:17:04.519 --> 00:17:07.039 This is not uncomfortable. Your needs are not being met. 294 00:17:07.599 --> 00:17:09.920 You have two children together, so there's a reason for 295 00:17:09.960 --> 00:17:11.960 you to want to make this work and stay together 296 00:17:13.519 --> 00:17:17.119 because we want it. But you're also modeling a relationship 297 00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:19.519 for your kids, right, this is how they learn about 298 00:17:19.519 --> 00:17:23.640 love by watching. So my biggest suggestion would be to 299 00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:27.200 find a couple's therapist that would teach both of you 300 00:17:27.319 --> 00:17:31.240 better conflict resolution skills. Now, if he's traveling a lot 301 00:17:31.240 --> 00:17:34.079 because of his work, you can always, you know, use 302 00:17:34.079 --> 00:17:39.680 someone online or by telephone. But just because you're fighting 303 00:17:40.200 --> 00:17:44.319 doesn't mean the relationship's over. I would question what are 304 00:17:44.359 --> 00:17:47.279 the issues that are causing the conflict? How are better 305 00:17:47.319 --> 00:17:50.400 ways to deal with the issues? Right, So, I don't 306 00:17:50.440 --> 00:17:53.559 think it's over, and there's many good reasons to stay together. 307 00:17:54.720 --> 00:17:57.759 Believe it or not. There's researches so that staying together 308 00:17:57.960 --> 00:18:01.240 for the kids is actually better for kids than being 309 00:18:01.279 --> 00:18:03.160 raised by a single parent. Just because the way our 310 00:18:03.200 --> 00:18:07.000 culture doesn't support single parents. Single parents have a higher 311 00:18:07.079 --> 00:18:11.240 rate of mental health problems, physical health problems, financial problems. 312 00:18:11.359 --> 00:18:14.039 Kids are you know, thrown around back and forth between houses. 313 00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:16.400 So you have every reason to want to make this 314 00:18:16.519 --> 00:18:19.359 work if you have two children, But I would definitely 315 00:18:19.359 --> 00:18:21.440 talk to a licensed therapist because you guys can learn 316 00:18:21.480 --> 00:18:23.279 how to have healthier fights or find out what the 317 00:18:23.279 --> 00:18:27.599 big issues are underneath it all. Dear doctor Wendy, should 318 00:18:27.640 --> 00:18:32.839 I expect a guy I'm not exclusive with but I 319 00:18:32.839 --> 00:18:35.400 have been dating for a month to get me something 320 00:18:35.400 --> 00:18:39.559 for Valentine's Day? If he doesn't is an indicative of 321 00:18:39.599 --> 00:18:42.480 how he feels about me? All right, So let's talk 322 00:18:42.480 --> 00:18:45.599 about short term relationships versus long term relationships. I do 323 00:18:45.720 --> 00:18:48.359 not judge. You're welcome to have a short term relationship, 324 00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:50.920 and if this is a short term relationship for you 325 00:18:51.079 --> 00:18:54.440 or him, then nobody's obliged to do anything any big 326 00:18:54.559 --> 00:18:58.440 romantic gesture on Valentine's Day. On the other hand, if 327 00:18:58.440 --> 00:19:02.039 you're dating hope being to be exclusive someday and hoping 328 00:19:02.119 --> 00:19:04.640 to have a relationship, and by the way, the way 329 00:19:04.680 --> 00:19:07.279 you say you're not exclusive, I'm wondering if you're having 330 00:19:07.319 --> 00:19:10.279 sex with him already, because I believe that you shouldn't 331 00:19:10.279 --> 00:19:12.759 have sex with somebody until you talk about at least 332 00:19:13.400 --> 00:19:17.559 sexual exclusivity, which is different from will you be my boyfriend? 333 00:19:17.640 --> 00:19:19.759 Will you be my girlfriend? Kim, we posted all over 334 00:19:19.839 --> 00:19:23.000 social media for the world to know. No, how about Hey, 335 00:19:23.559 --> 00:19:26.279 I'm enjoying getting to know you. Looks like you're enjoying 336 00:19:26.319 --> 00:19:29.720 getting to know me. While we're figuring this out, Why 337 00:19:29.960 --> 00:19:31.839 i'd like to know that I'm the only person you're 338 00:19:31.880 --> 00:19:34.599 sleeping with. Say that before you have sex for the 339 00:19:34.599 --> 00:19:37.279 first time. Everybody, make sure you say that. So anyway, 340 00:19:37.319 --> 00:19:39.880 I'm going to make this giant leap and assume that 341 00:19:39.960 --> 00:19:42.240 you've been seeing him for a month and everybody's too 342 00:19:42.240 --> 00:19:45.799 afraid to have that conversation about exclusivity. Now you want 343 00:19:45.839 --> 00:19:48.880 to know if a Valentine's Day gift is going to 344 00:19:48.920 --> 00:19:52.720 show up. And my answer to you is, like every 345 00:19:52.759 --> 00:19:55.359 other thing, at the very beginning of the relationship, it's 346 00:19:55.400 --> 00:19:58.640 an opportunity for you to analyze whether he has long 347 00:19:58.720 --> 00:20:01.839 term potential, to test him a little bit. And so 348 00:20:01.880 --> 00:20:05.640 the answer is he doesn't have to, but if he does, 349 00:20:06.480 --> 00:20:09.960 that's a good sign, that's a green flag. Then you 350 00:20:10.039 --> 00:20:13.880 know what his intentions are, right that he's investing. You're 351 00:20:13.880 --> 00:20:18.000 looking for somebody to invest in the relationship, whether it's time, 352 00:20:18.039 --> 00:20:22.279 whether it's treasure, whether it's their workload, whatever, that's what 353 00:20:22.279 --> 00:20:24.799 you're looking for. So yeah, there's no rule out there 354 00:20:24.839 --> 00:20:27.039 that says he has to buy a Valentine's Day gift. 355 00:20:27.119 --> 00:20:29.279 But if he does, it says something, and then you 356 00:20:29.359 --> 00:20:33.039 know more about where stand. All right, dear doctor Wendy. 357 00:20:33.119 --> 00:20:36.440 I have a single group of girlfriends that have become 358 00:20:36.599 --> 00:20:39.880 completely jaded over the idea of love. Oh, I remember 359 00:20:39.880 --> 00:20:43.920 those ones. Their horror stories scare me. I'm open to 360 00:20:44.039 --> 00:20:46.839 dating and finding love, but the more I talk to them, 361 00:20:47.039 --> 00:20:50.279 the more they ruin my view. Where can I find 362 00:20:50.319 --> 00:20:54.839 a community with a healthy outlook on love? Well, I'm 363 00:20:54.880 --> 00:20:57.759 glad you see that. I'm glad you see that your 364 00:20:57.799 --> 00:21:02.000 social world is biased. And if you start out dating 365 00:21:02.559 --> 00:21:07.319 with only horror stories and imagining the worst, you'll create it. 366 00:21:07.319 --> 00:21:10.039 Because life is a self fulfilling prophecy. I want to 367 00:21:10.079 --> 00:21:12.440 tell you the bridal industry is one of the biggest 368 00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:15.240 industries in American and it keeps growing. So somebody's figuring 369 00:21:15.240 --> 00:21:18.119 it out, right, somebody is figuring out how to get 370 00:21:18.400 --> 00:21:22.359 how to negotiate a commitment. Right. So I would say, well, 371 00:21:22.400 --> 00:21:25.000 your question is, where can I find a community with 372 00:21:25.039 --> 00:21:28.079 a healthy outlook on love? Well, if you practice any religion, 373 00:21:28.079 --> 00:21:31.599 you're going to find it in any religious groups, youth groups, etc. 374 00:21:32.000 --> 00:21:36.319 For sure, because most religions preach love and marriage right, 375 00:21:37.079 --> 00:21:39.920 but also just sort of spend a little less time 376 00:21:40.119 --> 00:21:43.000 with some of those jaded friends. Spend a little more 377 00:21:43.079 --> 00:21:45.480 time with the few new friends that you're going to 378 00:21:45.480 --> 00:21:47.720 meet along the way and test them out and see 379 00:21:47.720 --> 00:21:50.960 what their attitude is. If they literally fall into just 380 00:21:51.680 --> 00:21:55.240 man blaming and dumping on guys all the time, then 381 00:21:55.279 --> 00:21:58.720 move along because you want to keep open and positive. 382 00:21:59.359 --> 00:22:01.759 And let me tell you this, there are so many 383 00:22:01.839 --> 00:22:04.440 great men out there. I mean, it took me a 384 00:22:04.440 --> 00:22:07.119 long time. I found the love of my life in 385 00:22:07.160 --> 00:22:10.759 my fifties. It took me a long time to learn 386 00:22:10.799 --> 00:22:12.559 how to do it right and how to choose right. 387 00:22:13.000 --> 00:22:16.759 And I wouldn't blame a population of people. I would 388 00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:20.680 blame those women for not making good choices and not 389 00:22:20.920 --> 00:22:24.640 analyzing and not noticing the red flags and moving too fast. 390 00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:27.440 That's who I would blame. All right. I've got more 391 00:22:27.480 --> 00:22:29.319 for you when we come back. If you want to 392 00:22:29.319 --> 00:22:33.039 send me your DMS, send it on Instagram. The handle 393 00:22:33.119 --> 00:22:35.920 is at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. 394 00:22:36.519 --> 00:22:40.759 You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 395 00:22:40.960 --> 00:22:41.920 Am six forty. 396 00:22:42.200 --> 00:22:44.279 Welcome back to the doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI 397 00:22:44.400 --> 00:22:48.079 Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I 398 00:22:48.119 --> 00:22:51.160 am answering your relationship questions. If you want to send 399 00:22:51.160 --> 00:22:53.559 me a direct message, please do on my Instagram at 400 00:22:53.599 --> 00:22:57.559 doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. Okay, sliding into 401 00:22:57.559 --> 00:23:00.759