Speaker 1: This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k
Speaker 1: I AM six forty The Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on
Speaker 1: demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. If you're new to my show.
Speaker 1: I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor,
Speaker 1: but I am obsessed with the science of love. I
Speaker 1: often think we do the weirdest and wackiest things as
Speaker 1: human beings, all in the name of love. And I've
Speaker 1: always asked the question, why why do we do that?
Speaker 1: What can we do to keep our relationships happier and healthier?
Speaker 1: How can we love each other more? And hey, producer Kayla,
Speaker 1: how you doing.
Speaker 2: I'm wonderful, Doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1: Have you been following? It's not really a relationship thing,
Speaker 1: but kind of it is the Justin Baldoni Blake Lively
Speaker 1: legal troubles.
Speaker 2: Honestly, I feel like you can't avoid it, disease.
Speaker 1: I'll sue you, you sue me. Okay, here we go.
Speaker 1: So for those who don't know, here's what happened. There's
Speaker 1: this movie called It Ends with Us, and it is
Speaker 1: about domestic violence. And by the way, you know who
Speaker 1: the US is at the end, it's not the two
Speaker 1: of them. Shall I give it away the end of
Speaker 1: this this call of spoilers? Okay, So there's a movie
Speaker 1: called It Ends with Us where Blake Lively pays a
Speaker 1: woman who she owns a flower shop. I think her
Speaker 1: name is last name is Bloom or something, and he's,
Speaker 1: of course a brain surgeon with a rack of abs
Speaker 1: and all hot, right, come on, right, So it's like
Speaker 1: a little Cinderella story and they meet, it's like hot
Speaker 1: and heavy and everything's great. But all the little signs
Speaker 1: start to show that he clearly has an anxious attachment disorder.
Speaker 1: I'm not diagnosing. I'm just saying I've read some things.
Speaker 1: And he's trying to control her, and he's worried about
Speaker 1: her because you know, there's this X that shows up
Speaker 1: and he's all worried, right, an X from when she
Speaker 1: was like a teenager or something, but whatever, And so
Speaker 1: of course it turns into messic violins and she leaves.
Speaker 1: There's pregnancy, there's maybe there's this, there's that. So anyway,
Speaker 1: Blake Lively, who's very powerful in Hollywood and talented and
Speaker 1: is married to another megastar, Ryan. I always get the
Speaker 1: Ryans mixed up. Ryan Gosling, Nope, No, Bryan Reynolds, Ryan Reynolds. Okay,
Speaker 1: so she's married to Ryan Roelds. So supposedly she's got
Speaker 1: three four kids. She was nursing one whatever, it's the
Speaker 1: whole thing postpartum on the set. There was some talk
Speaker 1: about him not turning his back when she was having
Speaker 1: some body makeup removed. There was some talk of him
Speaker 1: saying things like you, your wardrobe needs to be sexier. Anyway,
Speaker 1: she felt sexually harassed, and so she went to them
Speaker 1: and basically said, hey, don't do this anymore. So they
Speaker 1: signed some kind of new clause. They made some kind
Speaker 1: of agreement, but as part of the agreement, he was
Speaker 1: not allowed to retaliate against her for having complained. Well,
Speaker 1: according to the gossip out there, he got his publicist
Speaker 1: to go and say kind of bad things about her.
Speaker 1: We don't know for sure the truth is going to
Speaker 1: come out in trial. So anyway, she sues him, and
Speaker 1: then he turns around and counter sues Blake Lively and
Speaker 1: Ryan Reynolds for four hundred million dollars and then the
Speaker 1: tit for tat goes. They're back and forth in the media, arguing, arguing, arguing,
Speaker 1: saying things. And last week he created a website of
Speaker 1: the lawsuit. Some they're all about the lawsuit dot com
Speaker 1: or something and it just a simple thing. And he
Speaker 1: put out a long, one hundred and sixty page document
Speaker 1: of which, okay, I'm not gonna lie. I scanned a
Speaker 1: lot of it, some went past, some I stopped because
Speaker 1: there was some interesting language to slow down for. And
Speaker 1: he's basically trying his case in all of our minds. Now,
Speaker 1: before I tell you the latest news on this, Kayla,
Speaker 1: have you seen the movie. I've seen clips of it.
Speaker 1: I didn't watch the whole thing through. It's hard to
Speaker 1: watch because it's bad movie. So I think you're gonna
Speaker 1: say this is my opinion. Okay, I'm not a movie critic,
Speaker 1: but it's bad movie. Maybe it's bad because if you
Speaker 1: believe the two of them and what went on, there
Speaker 1: were too many chefs in the kitchen and too many
Speaker 1: people putting notes on and wasn't just one person's vision
Speaker 1: telling a story. And I don't know who had the
Speaker 1: better notes and who wanted the changes. I think that's
Speaker 1: what their fight really might have been about, just a
Speaker 1: power struggle about you know. Anyway, did you think they
Speaker 1: had chemistry?
Speaker 2: I did.
Speaker 1: They had a lot of sexy scenes, but it.
Speaker 2: Could be because I think that he's so hot, so
Speaker 2: it's like, how could you not love him?
Speaker 1: After all these scenes? I saw something different. How did
Speaker 1: you see anger and discomfort in her eyes? I saw
Speaker 1: her acting. You rolled your eyes when I said that.
Speaker 2: Because stop it.
Speaker 1: I did not see chemistry. I saw somebody who begrudgingly
Speaker 1: showed up for the scene and did her best work.
Speaker 1: But clearly she was acting. I don't know. I have
Speaker 1: to say. Nobody was going to see the movie It
Speaker 1: Ends with Us, But now that everybody's constantly talking about
Speaker 1: this trial, they're seeing it. Okay, So here's the news.
Speaker 1: This week. There was a court date finally, but neither
Speaker 1: what's his name, Justin Baldoni or Blake Lively showed up.
Speaker 1: They didn't have to, okay, both their attorneys showed up.
Speaker 1: Attorneys for Blake Lively and the director co star of
Speaker 1: It Ends with Us, Justin Baldoni, whom she is accused
Speaker 1: of sexually harassing her. They met in federal court for
Speaker 1: the first time this week, and what was really interesting
Speaker 1: is that the judge is mad that they're talking about
Speaker 1: it so much in the media. Judge Lewis Lyman advised
Speaker 1: the attorneys of those two people to avoid making any
Speaker 1: statements in public that could prejudice the proceedings. Basically, he said,
Speaker 1: if these two keep trying to litigate this case in
Speaker 1: the press, the judge is going to move up the trial. Now.
Speaker 1: I don't know why that it's bad news. Don't you
Speaker 1: want it to happen sooner? But March twenty sixth, a
Speaker 1: whole year, really, a whole year from now, is when
Speaker 1: we're going to find out about that thing. Can you
Speaker 1: believe it? I don't know. I don't know if I
Speaker 1: can wait that long. It's going to be another TRIALI century.
Speaker 1: Do you think they'll let a cameratten think it's going
Speaker 1: to be a I hope so.
Speaker 2: But if he's all mad about the public being involved, now,
Speaker 2: I don't know how much he wants them more involved,
Speaker 2: you know, I don't know.
Speaker 1: We'll see, Okay, stay with us when we come back.
Speaker 1: I have a story of a romance scam, or you
Speaker 1: could call it catfishing, or you could call it mental
Speaker 1: illness on display of an American woman who flew halfway
Speaker 1: around the world to meet the man she fell in
Speaker 1: loved with, only to be told by his family it's
Speaker 1: not going to happen. It's kind of a sad story,
Speaker 1: but there are news for us in it of how
Speaker 1: we can protect ourselves from romance scams and catfishes. And
Speaker 1: later in the show, if you're an online gamer, or
Speaker 1: you're parent of a child or adolescent who likes to
Speaker 1: game online, do not leave. I've got a parenting expert
Speaker 1: who's going to talk about how you can keep your
Speaker 1: kids safe online.
Speaker 3: You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: I want to talk about, particularly in my opinion, sad,
Speaker 1: sad story that's going on in the media about a
Speaker 1: woman who fell in love online, flew halfway around the
Speaker 1: world to meet the man she was in love with,
Speaker 1: only to be told by his family go home. Now.
Speaker 1: There are a few more details about this story, and
Speaker 1: before I get to it, I want everyone to understand
Speaker 1: the definitions of two different things that I talk about
Speaker 1: a lot. One is Catfish. Now, if you've never seen
Speaker 1: is it still on MTV? The MTV show Catfish. It
Speaker 1: began with a documentary I don't know, feels like ten
Speaker 1: years ago, a documentary about a guy. His brother decided
Speaker 1: to document it. And they're kind of famous. They were
Speaker 1: famous then too, or no, no, got famous afterwards. I
Speaker 1: think they're both good looking, those guys, those brothers, and
Speaker 1: one of them had been conversing with a woman who
Speaker 1: he thought was a very famous or talented ballerina in
Speaker 1: the New York City Ballet and their relationship got very,
Speaker 1: very very intimate. A lot of letters and gifts were sent,
Speaker 1: but there was always a reason why she couldn't meet
Speaker 1: in the real world. Now this is the beginning of catfishing, right.
Speaker 1: We know now that there are people sadly, lonely, people
Speaker 1: who have many different email accounts, many different cell phones,
Speaker 1: maintain all kinds of relationships with people online. And that
Speaker 1: documentary launched a series that has been going on for
Speaker 1: probably a decade, a long time. You can look that
Speaker 1: up for me, Kayla, I don't know, a long time.
Speaker 1: And they so when the two brothers made the documentary,
Speaker 1: by going out to find this woman, they found a married, lonely, unhealthy,
Speaker 1: older woman with two adult sons with severe disabilities and
Speaker 1: mental disabilities, and her life was caring for them. And
Speaker 1: the thing that was beautiful about the documentary is that
Speaker 1: it wasn't saying, ah, look at this crazy old lady,
Speaker 1: and oh, this is the young pretending to be a ballerina.
Speaker 1: This was an example of vulnerability. This is the documentary
Speaker 1: really looked at her situation and how hard her life was.
Speaker 1: So it launched the show and apparently there is never
Speaker 1: ending amount of stories about people who contact the show
Speaker 1: and say, I've been in love with this person. We've
Speaker 1: been dating online for three years. Three years, they'll say,
Speaker 1: sometimes two years, one year, or four months whatever. They
Speaker 1: can't get together in the real world. Can you find them?
Speaker 1: And then they do some like high tech to tech
Speaker 1: slew thing they find the person. The person is never
Speaker 1: the person they say they are. Either they're a different age,
Speaker 1: a different gender, a different body weight, they live in
Speaker 1: a totally different place, they have a totally different job,
Speaker 1: or whatever, but they are living out their fantasies by well,
Speaker 1: the word is catfishing, by duping people by lying about
Speaker 1: who they are, So that's catfishing. Romance scams a little
Speaker 1: bit different. Romance scam is people pretending knowingly to be
Speaker 1: someone else so they can trick someone online into giving
Speaker 1: them money. Well, the next story I'm about to share
Speaker 1: with you is both a catfish and a romance scam,
Speaker 1: all wrapped up in won. Supposedly, she's back in the
Speaker 1: US now. She flew back this week. This is an
Speaker 1: American woman from New York who says she was jilted
Speaker 1: by a nineteen year old man she met online, and
Speaker 1: so she has made several pleas on social media for money.
Speaker 1: Now here's the story. This woman is thirty three years old.
Speaker 1: I'm not going to say her name because I do
Speaker 1: not want to publicly shame her. More, she met a
Speaker 1: nineteen year old Pakistani man online and felt the two
Speaker 1: of them fell deeply in love. And you know what,
Speaker 1: when we are projecting our desires and our fantasies in
Speaker 1: a bunch of words and texts, we will read anything
Speaker 1: into anything. So she decided she was going to fly
Speaker 1: to Pakistan. She was going to meet him, she was
Speaker 1: going to get married. She arrives and the family meets
Speaker 1: her and sees that, you know, she's fourteen years older
Speaker 1: than him, and maybe they sensed that her mental health
Speaker 1: was not so great. And so they said, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: it's not going to happen. So the problem was, after
Speaker 1: this family and this young man rejected her, she had
Speaker 1: nowhere to go. She'd run out of money, her visa,
Speaker 1: her tourism visa was going to expire. In her mind,
Speaker 1: she was there to be a bride, right. So then
Speaker 1: the Pakistani media started making a big deal about this.
Speaker 1: She got to hold press conferences and sadly, this is
Speaker 1: how we sometimes shame people with mental health problems. In
Speaker 1: several clips, she is adamantly expressing a desire to improve
Speaker 1: the municipal services in Pakistan, the infrastructure, the bus service,
Speaker 1: and well, you can listen to her and figure it out.
Speaker 4: Reason why, I'm not saying that my plan is to
Speaker 4: reconstruct this whole country. Okay, I'm asking for one hundred
Speaker 4: k or more. I need twenty k by this week
Speaker 4: in my pockets in cash. Okay, that's a demand to
Speaker 4: the government. The government is gonna fix up these buildings,
Speaker 4: fix up the streets, and clean up these streets. It's
Speaker 4: ridiculous out here. I do not like it.
Speaker 1: Yeah, she's asking for twenty thousand dollars cash in her pocket.
Speaker 1: There are a series of videos she's made on social media, and.
Speaker 2: I think that she actually her and the eighteen nineteen
Speaker 2: year old were married online the Muslim Way before she
Speaker 2: even went out there, so she came out there for.
Speaker 1: Her she thinks religiously she's married exactly. I wonder if
Speaker 1: they have to go get that annulled by the church.
Speaker 2: I don't know, but I know a few other men
Speaker 2: there also. I offered her, he offered to marry her,
Speaker 2: but she was there.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I don't know if they wanted to exploit her, exploit
Speaker 2: her to come to America, but they're like, hey, if
Speaker 2: he doesn't want you, I'll take you.
Speaker 1: So apparently another man who's cropped up out of nowhere,
Speaker 1: old teenager, not sure the age of this person, has
Speaker 1: said he's her son here in America he is, and
Speaker 1: that she suffers from bipolar disorder. I will tell you
Speaker 1: that she has received help from a non government organization,
Speaker 1: we don't know what charity, and they paid for her
Speaker 1: return ticket to the United States. What I hope is
Speaker 1: that this young woman can get the help that she deserves,
Speaker 1: the mental health help, and I hope this family can heal,
Speaker 1: that this nineteen year old can learn. You know that
Speaker 1: whatever you see online is not always what happens in
Speaker 1: real life, right, all right? When we come back, you
Speaker 1: know how I like to weigh in on your love
Speaker 1: lives because that's the kind of girl I am. I'm
Speaker 1: a busybody. I have a lot of life wisdom, and
Speaker 1: I've written three books on relationships. I'm a psychology professor,
Speaker 1: So why wouldn't you ask me my opinion? So, okay, okay,
Speaker 1: when we come back, I'm going to go to my
Speaker 1: social media send me a question on Instagram. The handle
Speaker 1: is at doctor WA Wendy Walsh. That's at d R
Speaker 1: Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 3: When we come back, you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh
Speaker 3: on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1: This is the time of the show where I get
Speaker 1: to weigh in on your love life because listen, I've
Speaker 1: had a lot of life experience. I've picked a lot
Speaker 1: of bad guys, and there isn't anything you could share
Speaker 1: with me that I haven't gone through before. Probably everything,
Speaker 1: I mean literally, I mean I'm not making light of
Speaker 1: how bad my choices were. My therapist would say that
Speaker 1: I was giving myself the gift of pain. For a
Speaker 1: lot of years. I have survived emotional abuse, sexual abuse,
Speaker 1: physical abuse, domestic violence, financial abuse, and I have learned
Speaker 1: how common it is for many, many people in their
Speaker 1: relationships to suffer. So to let you know, I have experience,
Speaker 1: but I also have understanding, and I don't judge. If
Speaker 1: you send me a DM, do so through my Instagram.
Speaker 1: The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. I will always
Speaker 1: protect you. I will always keep your name anonymous. Okay,
Speaker 1: So with that said, let me go to my dms
Speaker 1: and see who's slid in there during the break. Dear
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy, my boyfriend and I have been together for
Speaker 1: six years. We have two children and we live together.
Speaker 1: He works in another state and when he comes back,
Speaker 1: we're always fighting. It's really hard to stay together. Words
Speaker 1: of advice, please, Okay, let me say this. The research
Speaker 1: shows that people who have regular conflict tend to have
Speaker 1: healthier relationships. But let's put a pin in that for
Speaker 1: a minute. They tend to be small border skirmishes that
Speaker 1: are constant renegotiation of the boundaries. The way you're describing this,
Speaker 1: fighting all the time, always fighting, sounds like you're not happy.
Speaker 1: This is not uncomfortable. Your needs are not being met.
Speaker 1: You have two children together, so there's a reason for
Speaker 1: you to want to make this work and stay together
Speaker 1: because we want it. But you're also modeling a relationship
Speaker 1: for your kids, right, this is how they learn about
Speaker 1: love by watching. So my biggest suggestion would be to
Speaker 1: find a couple's therapist that would teach both of you
Speaker 1: better conflict resolution skills. Now, if he's traveling a lot
Speaker 1: because of his work, you can always, you know, use
Speaker 1: someone online or by telephone. But just because you're fighting
Speaker 1: doesn't mean the relationship's over. I would question what are
Speaker 1: the issues that are causing the conflict? How are better
Speaker 1: ways to deal with the issues? Right, So, I don't
Speaker 1: think it's over, and there's many good reasons to stay together.
Speaker 1: Believe it or not. There's researches so that staying together
Speaker 1: for the kids is actually better for kids than being
Speaker 1: raised by a single parent. Just because the way our
Speaker 1: culture doesn't support single parents. Single parents have a higher
Speaker 1: rate of mental health problems, physical health problems, financial problems.
Speaker 1: Kids are you know, thrown around back and forth between houses.
Speaker 1: So you have every reason to want to make this
Speaker 1: work if you have two children, But I would definitely
Speaker 1: talk to a licensed therapist because you guys can learn
Speaker 1: how to have healthier fights or find out what the
Speaker 1: big issues are underneath it all. Dear doctor Wendy, should
Speaker 1: I expect a guy I'm not exclusive with but I
Speaker 1: have been dating for a month to get me something
Speaker 1: for Valentine's Day? If he doesn't is an indicative of
Speaker 1: how he feels about me? All right, So let's talk
Speaker 1: about short term relationships versus long term relationships. I do
Speaker 1: not judge. You're welcome to have a short term relationship,
Speaker 1: and if this is a short term relationship for you
Speaker 1: or him, then nobody's obliged to do anything any big
Speaker 1: romantic gesture on Valentine's Day. On the other hand, if
Speaker 1: you're dating hope being to be exclusive someday and hoping
Speaker 1: to have a relationship, and by the way, the way
Speaker 1: you say you're not exclusive, I'm wondering if you're having
Speaker 1: sex with him already, because I believe that you shouldn't
Speaker 1: have sex with somebody until you talk about at least
Speaker 1: sexual exclusivity, which is different from will you be my boyfriend?
Speaker 1: Will you be my girlfriend? Kim, we posted all over
Speaker 1: social media for the world to know. No, how about Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm enjoying getting to know you. Looks like you're enjoying
Speaker 1: getting to know me. While we're figuring this out, Why
Speaker 1: i'd like to know that I'm the only person you're
Speaker 1: sleeping with. Say that before you have sex for the
Speaker 1: first time. Everybody, make sure you say that. So anyway,
Speaker 1: I'm going to make this giant leap and assume that
Speaker 1: you've been seeing him for a month and everybody's too
Speaker 1: afraid to have that conversation about exclusivity. Now you want
Speaker 1: to know if a Valentine's Day gift is going to
Speaker 1: show up. And my answer to you is, like every
Speaker 1: other thing, at the very beginning of the relationship, it's
Speaker 1: an opportunity for you to analyze whether he has long
Speaker 1: term potential, to test him a little bit. And so
Speaker 1: the answer is he doesn't have to, but if he does,
Speaker 1: that's a good sign, that's a green flag. Then you
Speaker 1: know what his intentions are, right that he's investing. You're
Speaker 1: looking for somebody to invest in the relationship, whether it's time,
Speaker 1: whether it's treasure, whether it's their workload, whatever, that's what
Speaker 1: you're looking for. So yeah, there's no rule out there
Speaker 1: that says he has to buy a Valentine's Day gift.
Speaker 1: But if he does, it says something, and then you
Speaker 1: know more about where stand. All right, dear doctor Wendy.
Speaker 1: I have a single group of girlfriends that have become
Speaker 1: completely jaded over the idea of love. Oh, I remember
Speaker 1: those ones. Their horror stories scare me. I'm open to
Speaker 1: dating and finding love, but the more I talk to them,
Speaker 1: the more they ruin my view. Where can I find
Speaker 1: a community with a healthy outlook on love? Well, I'm
Speaker 1: glad you see that. I'm glad you see that your
Speaker 1: social world is biased. And if you start out dating
Speaker 1: with only horror stories and imagining the worst, you'll create it.
Speaker 1: Because life is a self fulfilling prophecy. I want to
Speaker 1: tell you the bridal industry is one of the biggest
Speaker 1: industries in American and it keeps growing. So somebody's figuring
Speaker 1: it out, right, somebody is figuring out how to get
Speaker 1: how to negotiate a commitment. Right. So I would say, well,
Speaker 1: your question is, where can I find a community with
Speaker 1: a healthy outlook on love? Well, if you practice any religion,
Speaker 1: you're going to find it in any religious groups, youth groups, etc.
Speaker 1: For sure, because most religions preach love and marriage right,
Speaker 1: but also just sort of spend a little less time
Speaker 1: with some of those jaded friends. Spend a little more
Speaker 1: time with the few new friends that you're going to
Speaker 1: meet along the way and test them out and see
Speaker 1: what their attitude is. If they literally fall into just
Speaker 1: man blaming and dumping on guys all the time, then
Speaker 1: move along because you want to keep open and positive.
Speaker 1: And let me tell you this, there are so many
Speaker 1: great men out there. I mean, it took me a
Speaker 1: long time. I found the love of my life in
Speaker 1: my fifties. It took me a long time to learn
Speaker 1: how to do it right and how to choose right.
Speaker 1: And I wouldn't blame a population of people. I would
Speaker 1: blame those women for not making good choices and not
Speaker 1: analyzing and not noticing the red flags and moving too fast.
Speaker 1: That's who I would blame. All right. I've got more
Speaker 1: for you when we come back. If you want to
Speaker 1: send me your DMS, send it on Instagram. The handle
Speaker 1: is at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 3: You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 3: Am six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI
Speaker 1: Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I
Speaker 1: am answering your relationship questions. If you want to send
Speaker 1: me a direct message, please do on my Instagram at
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. Okay, sliding into
Speaker 1: the DMS. Here I go. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm dating
Speaker 1: someone who is laid off twice in the past three years. Oh,
Speaker 1: she hasn't been able to find work since. Should I
Speaker 1: be concerned if we're considering long term potential or is
Speaker 1: she just having some hard times? So here's the thing,
Speaker 1: how hard you really trying? Is she acting like a
Speaker 1: victim and you're going to like save her? Are you
Speaker 1: supposed to be her savior? I personally believe that people
Speaker 1: should not enter a relationship until they can stand on
Speaker 1: their own two feet supporting themselves. Even if you were
Speaker 1: the most generous person in the world, that's not a
Speaker 1: way to start a relationship where you're the caregiver in
Speaker 1: some ways. So just having hard times, you know what.
Speaker 1: I've had some really hard times in my life, times
Speaker 1: where cash flow is very low, jobs were scarce, but
Speaker 1: I always had this resilience I always had this get
Speaker 1: up and go I wasn't afraid to get out there
Speaker 1: and keep trying and trying and trying. And it seems
Speaker 1: like that's the thing she's missing. So I would talk
Speaker 1: to her about that. Definitely talk to her about that. Okay,
Speaker 1: moving along, dear doctor Wendy. My friend is very well
Speaker 1: taken care of by her partner. I assume you mean financially,
Speaker 1: and she makes me feel like my relationship is less
Speaker 1: than because my man expects me to pay half of
Speaker 1: all bills. Am I settling? Oh? We are having a
Speaker 1: conversation about gender roles today, all right, So let me
Speaker 1: say this. There's no one right way to break up
Speaker 1: your finances. Our relationship is an exchange of care. That
Speaker 1: care can take many forms, might be sexual care, emotional care,
Speaker 1: domestic responsibility care, childcare, whatever. Financial care might be one
Speaker 1: of them. But nothing is free in life. And your
Speaker 1: friend that's seems so well taken care of, you can't
Speaker 1: see what where the strings attached are. You can't see
Speaker 1: what she's having to give back. Now, there are a
Speaker 1: lot of women, educated, successful career women who have patriarchy
Speaker 1: swimming around in their own heads. They suffer from their
Speaker 1: own Cinderella complex, and it sounds like that's what you're
Speaker 1: dealing with. You're dealing with on the one hand, I
Speaker 1: want to be a successful, self made woman, but oh
Speaker 1: I'm tired. Wouldn't it be great to just have Prince
Speaker 1: Charming come in and take care of everything. Let me
Speaker 1: tell you nothing is free in life. And those women
Speaker 1: who've chosen traditional gender roles. First of all, there's no
Speaker 1: job security in that. There's no pension plan in that.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, you think you're gonna get alimony and child support?
Speaker 1: You wait, if you checked the laws lately. It is
Speaker 1: really important that everybody take care of themselves. Now. One
Speaker 1: thing I find interesting about your question is you said
Speaker 1: my man expects me to pay half of all the bills.
Speaker 1: So it sounds like this is something he's asking you
Speaker 1: to do, not something that you're offering. And I'm wondering
Speaker 1: why if you don't want to do it, are you
Speaker 1: feeling forced to do? You feel less than with him?
Speaker 1: Is he somehow a high value mate in some other way,
Speaker 1: whether he's good looking or popular or what have you.
Speaker 1: I'm wondering why you're cowtowing to what he expects Instead
Speaker 1: of two people sitting down and going, hey, this would
Speaker 1: work better for me, and I should say this. I
Speaker 1: don't think bills should be split fifty to fifty. They
Speaker 1: should be split based on the earning needs of each partner.
Speaker 1: So if one partner makes fifty thousand dollars a year
Speaker 1: and another partner makes twenty five thousand dollars a year,
Speaker 1: one should pay twice as much in the bills. It's proportional, right,
Speaker 1: that's what you need to do. I think you and
Speaker 1: he need to have a conversation and you need to
Speaker 1: rethink your Cinderella complex. Just saying, all right, moving right along,
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy. My boyfriend treats me well good to know,
Speaker 1: is the kindest, most patient soul ever. He's really smart
Speaker 1: in the conventional sense, and I'm attracted to his mind.
Speaker 1: But he doesn't make the best business decisions. Well, this
Speaker 1: cost me in the long run. All right. You guys
Speaker 1: might think I'm being cold, rational and cruel, but the
Speaker 1: facts are relationships are an exchange of care designed to
Speaker 1: create mutual survival of both people. You're a woman. You
Speaker 1: haven't mentioned whether you have kids or you're gonna have kids,
Speaker 1: but there's gonna be a time in your life, where
Speaker 1: his financial resources may need to cover for the both
Speaker 1: of you while you're busy raising his jeens, giving birth
Speaker 1: to his kids, breastfeeding his kids, and those are lost
Speaker 1: years of income. If you're worried now that he's not
Speaker 1: making good business decisions, what are you going to do
Speaker 1: when you get more needy financially. I'm not telling you
Speaker 1: what the answer is. I'm not telling you what to do.
Speaker 1: I'm telling you that it's absolutely okay to think about
Speaker 1: your long term survival, whether it's emotional survival, whether it's
Speaker 1: financial survival, long term survival, because relationships are about joining
Speaker 1: two sets of talents and assets so that both people
Speaker 1: can survive in a better way. All right, I think
Speaker 1: we have time for one more. Hi, doctor Wendy. I've
Speaker 1: been happily single for seven years. Love to hear that
Speaker 1: happily single. My friend was insistent about setting me up
Speaker 1: with a guy she just knew would be the perfect
Speaker 1: match for me. He was awful. She wrote that in caps,
Speaker 1: all caps, He was awful. Now I can't be friends
Speaker 1: what with her the same way? How can I fix
Speaker 1: my friendship? It's hard not to be offended by her
Speaker 1: setting up with a complete jerk. Okay, I just want
Speaker 1: to say something. Somebody else's trash might be somebody else's treasure. Okay.
Speaker 1: So I don't think she said I am gonna hurt
Speaker 1: my friend by fixing her up with a guy who's awful. No,
Speaker 1: she probably just wanted you to have a mate. Then, yeah,
Speaker 1: she didn't have good taste, or she didn't have taste
Speaker 1: that matched your taste.
Speaker 3: Right.
Speaker 1: So I think that the fact that this has caused
Speaker 1: strife in your relationship is now on you. This wasn't
Speaker 1: her fault. She did a good deed. Don't shoot the
Speaker 1: messenger just because she tried to do a good deed.
Speaker 1: All right, You can just tell her you like being single,
Speaker 1: You're happily single. Don't fix me up again? Got it?
Speaker 1: Got it? Got it? Hey, when we come back, do
Speaker 1: you have a kid or a teenager who's spending a
Speaker 1: lot of time gaming? Are you worried about online bullying
Speaker 1: or pre you know they can even steal your credit
Speaker 1: card information through those gaming things. I have a guest
Speaker 1: next who's going to solve it all for us. You're
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty. We Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've
Speaker 1: been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear
Speaker 1: us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to
Speaker 1: nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app