Speaker 1: You will make more friends in two months being interested
Speaker 1: in others than you will in two years of trying
Speaker 1: to be interesting. People are waiting for people to be
Speaker 1: interested in them. Stop trying to be interesting. Start being interested.
Speaker 1: The world is looking for people who will be interested
Speaker 1: in them. There is an epidemic of loneliness in our world.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you've been reading about it. I
Speaker 1: probably read 20, 30, 40 articles this week on the
Speaker 1: epidemic of loneliness all around the world. The fact that
Speaker 1: over half of America in poll after poll has said,
Speaker 1: I'm lonely. And these are at every age and stage
Speaker 1: of life. Little children say, grade school kids say, I'm lonely.
Speaker 1: I'm lonely. Teenagers say, I'm lonely. Young adults say, I'm lonely.
Speaker 1: Middle aged married couples say, I'm lonely. Elderly people say,
Speaker 1: I'm lonely. Over half of Americans at every single stage
Speaker 1: and age of life say, I'm lonely.
Speaker 2: That's an epidemic.
Speaker 1: We've never had those numbers ever in the history of
Speaker 1: the United States of America. It's worse in some other countries.
Speaker 1: In Britain, The number of British citizens who say I'm
Speaker 1: lonely has now risen to 68%. It's such an epidemic
Speaker 1: that the Prime Minister of England last year appointed a
Speaker 1: new cabinet officer called the Minister of Loneliness.
Speaker 2: I'm not making this up.
Speaker 1: They have a cabinet minister for loneliness because 68% of
Speaker 1: the Brits say I'm lonely. And we find this in
Speaker 1: country after country after country. I was talking to our
Speaker 1: high school pastor, Jason, this week. He told me he
Speaker 1: was recently at a high school student camp, and they
Speaker 1: asked kids who were lonely to stand up, maybe 1,000
Speaker 1: kids at this camp, and he said about 80% of
Speaker 1: the kids stood up. saying, I experience loneliness on a
Speaker 1: regular basis. Part of it is social media itself. Rather
Speaker 1: than going out on a Saturday night, you stay home
Speaker 1: and you look at your screen on what everybody else
Speaker 1: is doing, and you talk about it. And there's this
Speaker 1: fear of missing out, FOMO, fear of missing out, that's
Speaker 1: plaguing Generation Z, which is the first generation to actually
Speaker 1: grow up without having screens, you know, phones, all of
Speaker 1: the time. Now the Bible has a lot to say
Speaker 1: about loneliness. In fact, it starts in the first couple
Speaker 1: chapters when God says it is not good for man
Speaker 1: to be alone. It's the first thing God said was
Speaker 1: not good about the earth. God hates loneliness. Loneliness, if
Speaker 1: you have loneliness in your life, that is not part
Speaker 1: of God's plan for your life. We were made in
Speaker 1: the image of God, which means we're relational. And because
Speaker 1: we're relational, human beings are social creatures. We're made to
Speaker 1: be together. We're better together. We're not made to be solitary.
Speaker 1: And so the Bible has a lot to say. I
Speaker 1: went through all of the scriptures this week that deal
Speaker 1: with loneliness, with friend, friendship, friendliness. There are literally hundreds
Speaker 1: and hundreds and hundreds of verses in the Bible about
Speaker 1: the importance of you having friends. You need them not
Speaker 1: just for your happiness, you need them for your health.
Speaker 1: Studies have shown that the fewer friends you have, the
Speaker 1: sooner you're more.
Speaker 2: Likely to die.
Speaker 1: That it is unhealthy for you to not have healthy
Speaker 1: friendships in your life. So God made us for relationships.
Speaker 1: And we're gonna look today, this weekend, at a ton,
Speaker 1: literally a ton of Bible verses on how to form
Speaker 1: healthy relationships. Now, there are a lot of different kinds
Speaker 1: of friendships. But specifically, I would categorize a couple being
Speaker 1: close friendships and casual friendships. If you wanna write this
Speaker 1: on your outline, casual friends, okay, casual friends in your
Speaker 1: life may be the result of my circumstances. When I
Speaker 1: meet people at work, or I meet people at school,
Speaker 1: or I meet people in the neighborhood, or I meet
Speaker 1: people in some sports, kids in soccer, what like that,
Speaker 1: those are typically casual relationships, because they're just people that
Speaker 1: you happen to bump into, you run into. Those are
Speaker 1: the casual relationships that come as a result of circumstances.
Speaker 1: But your closest friends should not be the result of circumstance,
Speaker 1: they should be the result of choices. My choices, not
Speaker 1: my circumstances, but my choices. Your close friends should not
Speaker 1: be accidental. You should choose them wisely because you can't
Speaker 1: be close to everybody. Now the fact is, the closer
Speaker 1: I am to people in my life and the closer
Speaker 1: people are to me in my life, the greater the impact,
Speaker 1: the greater the influence they're gonna have on my life.
Speaker 1: The people who are closest to you are obviously gonna
Speaker 1: influence your life a whole lot more than the people
Speaker 1: who are simply casual acquaintances. Now, if that's true and
Speaker 1: the people who are closest to you better be influencing
Speaker 1: you for good and for God because it's dangerous. So
Speaker 1: I should choose my closest friends wisely. Now, the Bible
Speaker 1: has a lot to say about this. There on your outline,
Speaker 1: I just put one verse. Proverbs chapter 12, verse 26
Speaker 1: says this. A righteous person is cautious in friendships. That
Speaker 1: means you're choosy, you're selective. You don't just arbitrarily say,
Speaker 1: anybody can be close to me. A righteous person is
Speaker 1: cautious in friendship because the ways of evil people can
Speaker 1: lead them to do wrong.
Speaker 2: Now, what I want us to look.
Speaker 1: At this weekend is forming healthy relationships. And I want
Speaker 1: us to do a couple things. I want us to
Speaker 1: look at the kind of people you should not choose,
Speaker 1: because the Bible has a lot to say about that.
Speaker 1: The kind of people should not be your closest friends.
Speaker 1: And then look at the kind of qualities you should
Speaker 1: look for in your closest friends. And then I want
Speaker 1: to give you some building blocks, the eight or so
Speaker 1: building blocks of how do you build healthy, lifelong friendships,
Speaker 1: satisfying friendships in life. Now assisting me is gonna be
Speaker 1: Pastor Curt Johnston. Pastor Curt Johnston's our senior student pastor
Speaker 1: of all of our, he used to be junior high pastor,
Speaker 1: then he was over junior high and senior high, now
Speaker 1: he's over college junior, senior high, children's ministry, he's basically
Speaker 1: our family and life development pastor. And a number of
Speaker 1: years ago, Curt wrote a book on this. He wrote
Speaker 1: a book on how to build friendships. In fact, here's
Speaker 1: what it looks like. And it's for students. And I
Speaker 1: was reading that book and I go, man, I should
Speaker 1: just let him preach because it was really good stuff.
Speaker 1: One of the things that's in that book is this
Speaker 1: circle thing.
Speaker 2: Maybe. There it is.
Speaker 1: And Kurt talks about four different circles. He says, you know,
Speaker 1: on the outer circle are your casual friends. That's your
Speaker 1: biggest circle, so there's room for a lot of them. Now,
Speaker 1: you don't spend a lot of time with these people,
Speaker 1: but they're your casual friends. But you don't see them
Speaker 1: that much, so there's a limited influence on them and
Speaker 1: them on you. A little bit in, in the next
Speaker 1: circle in, is what he calls your close friends. And
Speaker 1: there's not as much room for as many, because you
Speaker 1: can't be a close friend to everybody. And so you
Speaker 1: don't have as many in that circle but you have
Speaker 1: more time spent together with your close friends and there
Speaker 1: is increased influence, you on them and them on you.
Speaker 1: But then he said there's an inner circle that's right
Speaker 1: around you that he calls your core friends. I'd never
Speaker 1: heard this before but I like this phrase, your core friends.
Speaker 1: And you only have room for a handful of those, three, four,
Speaker 1: five or so of your core friends. You get lots
Speaker 1: of time spent together. there's high influence on each other. Now,
Speaker 1: while I like Kurt's circles, this is exactly what Jesus did.
Speaker 1: Jesus loved everybody. He fed the 5,000. He trained the 120.
Speaker 1: He discipled 12. He mentored three. I'll say it again.
Speaker 1: Jesus loved everybody. There was nobody Jesus didn't love. He
Speaker 1: fed the 5,000, he trained the 120, he discipled 12,
Speaker 1: he mentored three. Only Peter, James, and John got to
Speaker 1: go in the Garden of Gethsemane. Only Peter, James, and
Speaker 1: John got to go up on the Mount of Transfiguration.
Speaker 1: Only Peter, James, and John got to see Jesus heal
Speaker 1: Peter's mother-in-law. Was Jesus playing favorites?
Speaker 2: Yes, he was.
Speaker 1: He was spending the maximum amount of time with those
Speaker 1: who would bear the maximum responsibility. Later in the book
Speaker 1: of Galatians, Paul says, Peter, James, and John, he calls them,
Speaker 1: different James, but Peter, James, and John, the pillars of
Speaker 1: the church. Obviously it worked. He invested the maximum time
Speaker 1: with the people who'd bear the maximum responsibility. He had
Speaker 1: the greatest impact on the people he spent the most
Speaker 1: time with, and they ended up being leaders. So you
Speaker 1: need to go home and make this circle list because
Speaker 1: some of you are stressed out because you have too
Speaker 1: many VDPs and you don't have enough VIPs in your life.
Speaker 2: You know the difference.
Speaker 1: VIPs are very inspirational people. VIPs, very inspirational. VDPs are
Speaker 1: very draining people. Now don't look at them.
Speaker 2: Be cool.
Speaker 1: When you have more VDPs than you have VIPs in
Speaker 1: your life, that's called.
Speaker 2: Stress, friend. What?
Speaker 1: Draining people in your life, and if the draining people
Speaker 1: are the closest, guess what? You're out of energy. You're
Speaker 1: out of gas. So while this is a message that
Speaker 1: I wanna teach parents how to help their kids have
Speaker 1: healthy relationships, all you big grown up kids need this too.
Speaker 1: And you need to go home and you need to
Speaker 1: be more intentional about your friendships. And you might go
Speaker 1: home and say, who's in my casual circle? And write
Speaker 1: their names in. And who's in my close circle? And
Speaker 1: who's in my core? And should they be there? Should
Speaker 1: somebody else be in my core? If you'll do this,
Speaker 1: you will find your fulfillment level going up and your
Speaker 1: stress level going down because my guess is you've probably
Speaker 1: got too many of the wrong people in the wrong circle.
Speaker 1: So Kurt's gonna help me with this message. Now first,
Speaker 1: I want us to look at what the Bible.
Speaker 2: Says you're not to choose as close friends. Who are
Speaker 2: you to not choose?
Speaker 1: Because the Bible says a righteous person is cautious in
Speaker 1: friendship because they can influence you if they're really close.
Speaker 1: And God says that there's some people that you should avoid. Now,
Speaker 1: this is just a partial list. I'm only gonna give
Speaker 1: you five or six people.
Speaker 2: There are others.
Speaker 1: You could go through the book of Proverbs and get
Speaker 1: all the rest of them. But let me just give
Speaker 1: you five or six people who should not be your
Speaker 1: closest friends according to what God says. Now, before I
Speaker 1: say that, would you agree that the wrong people can
Speaker 1: pull you down? If I'm standing here up on this
Speaker 1: stage and you're standing down there, is it easier for
Speaker 1: me to pull you up or for you to pull
Speaker 1: me down?
Speaker 2: There's no question.
Speaker 1: Okay, it's the law of gravity, it's easier for you
Speaker 1: to pull me down than to pull you up. This
Speaker 1: is why I don't believe in missionary dating. You know, well,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna bring him to the Lord through our dating life.
Speaker 1: I'm sure that's what he's thinking. Praise the Lord. So,
Speaker 1: have any of you ever seen anybody messed up by
Speaker 1: the wrong friends?
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Yeah, of course you have. So I don't have to
Speaker 1: make this point to you. You know it's true that
Speaker 1: there's some people you shouldn't have as your close friends.
Speaker 2: Look up here on the screen.
Speaker 1: Proverbs 18 24 says this. These are friends who destroy
Speaker 1: each other. Have you ever seen a couple friends destroy
Speaker 1: each other? Yeah, they weren't real friends. They were competing
Speaker 1: with each other, they were fighting with each other, they
Speaker 1: were nagging at each other, they were detrimental to each other,
Speaker 1: they were pulling each other down.
Speaker 2: Those aren't real friends.
Speaker 1: So let me just give you a partial list of
Speaker 1: five or six kinds of people should not be your
Speaker 1: closest friends. Number one, we're not gonna spend a lot
Speaker 1: of time on these, because I want to get to
Speaker 1: the positive stuff.
Speaker 2: Number one, people who like to argue. Really? That's what
Speaker 2: the Bible says.
Speaker 1: People who like to argue should not be your closest friends.
Speaker 1: Have you noticed that some people love conflict? They get
Speaker 1: energized by it. Fighting makes them come alive. It's like
Speaker 1: they're not even alive unless they're in the middle of
Speaker 1: a fight. And they're always against something. There's that kind
Speaker 1: of warrior spirit. They just like to fight. And wherever
Speaker 1: they go, they cause conflict. They're irritating, they're agitating. God says,
Speaker 1: you don't hang out with those kind of people. Proverbs 20,
Speaker 1: verse three. Any fool can start arguments. The honorable thing
Speaker 1: is to stay out of them. Circle the word stay out.
Speaker 1: Somebody starts getting in an argument in your office, walk away.
Speaker 1: Says the wise thing, the honorable, the wise thing is
Speaker 1: to stay out of them. Number two, here's another one.
Speaker 1: This is really gonna be touchy. People who gossip. Well,
Speaker 1: there just went all my friends. You say, you know,
Speaker 1: you think of that, people who gossip. Did you know
Speaker 1: that God hates gossips? He hates gossip, he hates gossiping,
Speaker 1: he says it's detrimental, he says the gossiper is the
Speaker 1: friend to the saboteur. They sabotage relationships. Gossips are destructive,
Speaker 1: and the Bible judges the sin of gossip very, very harshly.
Speaker 2: What is gossip? Let me give you the definition.
Speaker 1: Gossip is sharing information when you're neither part of the
Speaker 1: problem nor part of the solution.
Speaker 2: Uh-oh.
Speaker 1: Sharing damaging information when you're neither part of the problem
Speaker 1: nor part of the solution. And for Christians, the worst
Speaker 1: part is when we hide gossip as a prayer request.
Speaker 2: I'd like for you to pray about this. What I
Speaker 2: heard about so-and-so.
Speaker 1: It's been on my heart to pray about this. Well
Speaker 1: don't use prayer as an excuse to gossip. The Bible
Speaker 1: says in Proverbs 20 verse 19, stay away from gossips.
Speaker 1: They can't keep a secret and they tell everything. So
Speaker 1: stay away from people who like to argue, stay away
Speaker 1: from people who gossip. Number three, you're to stay away
Speaker 1: and not have as close as friends, people who flatter others.
Speaker 1: People who flatter others. Now what is flattery? Flattery is
Speaker 1: false praise. Flattery is insincere compliments. Flattery is the person
Speaker 1: who kisses up to the boss at work and then
Speaker 1: behind them says the exact opposite about that boss. They schmooze.
Speaker 2: They lay it on. They're kissing up.
Speaker 1: They're hypocritically appealing to ego. And when you see people flattering,
Speaker 1: whether it's a girl or a guy on the school
Speaker 1: campus kissing up to the most popular person or whether
Speaker 1: it's an adult doing it in an office situation or
Speaker 1: a sales situation, the Bible says you need to run
Speaker 1: the opposite way. Stay away from flatterers. Proverbs 29 verse
Speaker 1: five says.
Speaker 2: This, flattery is a trap.
Speaker 1: Evil people get caught in it, but good people avoid
Speaker 1: it and are free. I don't have time to go
Speaker 1: into this, but the Bible says that people who flatter
Speaker 1: you actually hate you. That flattery is disguised hatred. And
Speaker 1: they'll say one thing to your face. Well, look at
Speaker 1: these verses. You ever met any people like this?
Speaker 2: Here's a verse. Proverbs 64, verse two.
Speaker 1: They are friendly to my face, but they curse me
Speaker 1: in their hearts, and they delight in telling lies about me.
Speaker 1: There are entire reality shows built on that verse. where
Speaker 1: they say something to your face and flatter you oh
Speaker 1: you look so great and then or here's another one
Speaker 1: look at this verse psalm 109 verse 5 for being
Speaker 1: friendly and kind they paid me back with meanness and
Speaker 1: hatred mean girls mean boys this happens on every campus
Speaker 1: but it happens in adulthood too the bible says stay
Speaker 1: away from people who flatter you number four You should
Speaker 1: stay away and not have as your closest friends people
Speaker 1: who can't control their temper. The Bible has a lot
Speaker 1: to say about the rageaholic. The rageaholic. Now, you could
Speaker 1: be two different ways to express rage. Be a mute
Speaker 1: and be a martyr or be a manic and be
Speaker 1: a Mount Vesuvius. Everybody's either a skunk or a turtle.
Speaker 1: And when you get angry, turtles pull into a shell
Speaker 1: and poor me and they, you know, Everybody hates me,
Speaker 1: nobody loves me, I'm gonna go eat worms. And you
Speaker 1: have a pity party and you invite me, myself, and I.
Speaker 1: Or you can be Mount Vesuvius or you can be
Speaker 1: a skunk. When a skunk is upset, they let everybody
Speaker 1: know it. And they stink up the whole place. The
Speaker 1: Bible says people who can't control their temper, they should
Speaker 1: not be your closest friends.
Speaker 2: They're hot-headed, short-fused.
Speaker 1: That they're volatile, they're rash, they blow up quickly, they're
Speaker 1: easily upset. Here's what the Bible says, Proverbs 22, verse
Speaker 1: 24 and 25. Don't make friends with hot-tempered people, with
Speaker 1: a hot-tempered person. Don't associate with anyone easily angered. They
Speaker 1: get ticked off at everything. You have to walk on
Speaker 1: eggshells around them. Or don't associate with those who are
Speaker 1: easily angered or you'll learn to be like them and
Speaker 1: not able to change. Anger, like a lot of other emotions,
Speaker 1: is contagious. Loneliness is contagious. Depression is contagious. A lot
Speaker 1: of things are contagious. A lot of emotions are contagious.
Speaker 1: The people you hang out with, that's what you're gonna
Speaker 1: become like. Now, you say, well, I don't know anybody,
Speaker 1: hot-tempered people. Are you listening to talk radio? Because they're
Speaker 1: all on that. Are you watching talk TV? There are
Speaker 1: some shows, if you find your blood pressure rising, you
Speaker 1: just shouldn't listen to. All they're doing is feeding rage
Speaker 1: inside you. We're gonna come back and talk about this
Speaker 1: next month, but that's another one. Let me give you
Speaker 1: one more, a couple more. Here's one, people who steal
Speaker 1: or shoplift. Now, I don't know many adults who know
Speaker 1: people who are shoplifting, but a lot of teenagers know
Speaker 1: teenagers who are shoplifting. But there are people who are
Speaker 1: stealing They're office blind and everybody knows it. Thieves, the
Speaker 1: Bible says, are self-centered and if they steal from others,
Speaker 1: you know what, they'll steal from you. So you don't
Speaker 1: want them to be your closest friend. People who steal
Speaker 1: are shoplift. Look at this verse up here on the screen.
Speaker 1: Proverbs 1, verses 13 to 15. This is what they say.
Speaker 1: They say, come on, let's take all kinds of valuable things. Okay,
Speaker 1: you know, all the resources at the office. Let's fill
Speaker 1: our houses with stolen goods. Come join us, we'll share
Speaker 1: the stolen goods. But do not go along with them
Speaker 1: and do not do what they do.
Speaker 2: He says, you know, just stay away from those people.
Speaker 1: And if you have a teenager who has a friend
Speaker 1: who is a shoplifter, you need to show them that verse,
Speaker 1: all right?
Speaker 2: Let me give you one more. This one's the tough
Speaker 2: one of all. Number six.
Speaker 1: I should not have as my closest friend believers who
Speaker 1: sin sexually.
Speaker 2: Believers.
Speaker 1: Notice I didn't say unbelievers. I said believers who sin sexually.
Speaker 1: Why not everybody? Well, let me give you a principle.
Speaker 1: You might write this down. Here it's on the screen.
Speaker 1: Never expect unbelievers to act like believers until they are.
Speaker 1: This is why I don't believe in trying to make
Speaker 1: laws to make non-Christians act like Christians or make unbelievers
Speaker 1: act like believers.
Speaker 2: Why?
Speaker 1: The Bible says they don't have the power to change.
Speaker 1: The whole book of Romans was written to say that
Speaker 1: until Christ is in my life, I don't have the
Speaker 1: power to change things in me. So to expect other
Speaker 1: people to act like people who have God's power in
Speaker 1: their life is getting the cart before the horse. Never
Speaker 1: expect an unbeliever to act like a believer until they are.
Speaker 2: I don't. God doesn't. And you shouldn't.
Speaker 1: But here's what the Bible says, look up here on
Speaker 1: the screen. First Corinthians five, nine to 11. Paul says,
Speaker 1: you know, when I told you not to associate with
Speaker 1: people who indulge in sexual sin, I wasn't talking about
Speaker 1: unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin, because you'd have to
Speaker 1: leave this whole world to avoid all of them. Duh,
Speaker 1: what I meant was you're not associate with anyone who
Speaker 1: claims to be a Christian and yet indulges. and sexual sin,
Speaker 1: or is greedy, or abusive, or gets drunk. Don't even
Speaker 1: eat with such people, why? Because they're a bad witness.
Speaker 1: Because they are a bad representation of Christ. Any of
Speaker 1: those four things, he says, is not a good representation
Speaker 1: of Jesus, and if you call yourself Christian, and you
Speaker 1: hang out with somebody else who claims to be a Christian,
Speaker 1: but is acting in a non-Christ-like way, he goes, that's
Speaker 1: a problem. So those are some people we're to stay
Speaker 1: away from. But the Bible also has a lot of
Speaker 1: positive advice on the kind of people you should choose
Speaker 1: as your closest friend. And Pastor Kurt is gonna come
Speaker 1: and talk about that.
Speaker 2: Welcome him.
Speaker 3: Well, I'm not sure if you caught it a moment ago,
Speaker 3: but Rick gave us all a homework assignment.
Speaker 4: Did you know he gave us homework assignments?
Speaker 3: If you weren't paying attention in class, I'm gonna put
Speaker 3: the homework assignment back up on the screen. If we
Speaker 3: can put the picture of the circles back up on
Speaker 3: the screen. And if you have a phone, as those,
Speaker 3: that graph of the circles, take out your phone and
Speaker 3: take a picture of that. Take a picture of that
Speaker 3: and that will remind you as you're scrolling through your
Speaker 3: photos or looking at your phone that Rick gave us
Speaker 3: an assignment and that is to at some point in
Speaker 3: the near future to do some evaluating of our friendships
Speaker 3: and who's in what circle and do we like what
Speaker 3: we see because our friends have a great influence on us.
Speaker 3: Now Rick has spent some time talking about the casual
Speaker 3: and the close and what I want to spend a
Speaker 3: little bit of time today is talking about Who do
Speaker 3: we choose as those core friends? Rick mentioned the closer
Speaker 3: they are, the more influence they have on us. We've
Speaker 3: only got room for a handful of core friends, men
Speaker 3: and women friends who make a strong impact and have
Speaker 3: a close influence on our lives.
Speaker 4: The question is begged, okay, well how do I decide?
Speaker 3: Who should be a core friend, especially if they're gonna
Speaker 3: have some extra influence? Now again, there's all sorts of qualities.
Speaker 3: all sorts of important qualities that we should consider when
Speaker 3: we're picking our core friends. I'm gonna focus on three
Speaker 3: that scripture seems to give a little bit extra attention to.
Speaker 3: So here are three qualities to look for in your
Speaker 3: core friends. First, choose friends who encourage me spiritually. Choose
Speaker 3: friends who encourage me spiritually. 1 Thessalonians 5.11 says this.
Speaker 3: Encourage one another and build each other up.
Speaker 4: Now, here's the thing.
Speaker 3: This verse isn't talking about compliments. There's a difference between
Speaker 3: compliments and encouragement. Compliments are nice, but they tend to
Speaker 3: be shallow. A compliment, oh, Kurt, your teeth look really
Speaker 3: shiny tonight, right?
Speaker 4: That's a compliment.
Speaker 3: Kurt.
Speaker 2: Kurt.
Speaker 4: You look a little less bald than last time I
Speaker 4: saw you. Okay, thank you. That's nice. I'm glad you
Speaker 4: said that. But that's not encouragement. That's a compliment.
Speaker 3: Encouragement are things that go a little bit deeper, a
Speaker 3: little bit further below the surface. Encouragement matters a little
Speaker 3: bit more and carries more significance than a compliment.
Speaker 4: And God wants us to.
Speaker 3: Surround ourselves, our most core friends, with people who are
Speaker 3: a source of encouragement. Now the dictionary defines encouragement this way.
Speaker 3: The action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope. That's encouragement.
Speaker 3: The action of giving someone support, confidence, or hope. I
Speaker 3: like this other definition. It's a lesser known definition of encouragement.
Speaker 4: It's simply this. To fill the heart. encouragement is to
Speaker 4: fill the heart.
Speaker 3: When you give somebody support, when you give somebody confidence,
Speaker 3: when you're a source of hope, what you're doing is
Speaker 3: you are filling their heart.
Speaker 4: Now, a couple quick examples.
Speaker 3: When I was in high school and college, one of
Speaker 3: my core friends, we had this group of core friends,
Speaker 3: and like what happens in a lot of friendship circles
Speaker 3: is there's always one that seems.
Speaker 4: To kind of miss out on the information.
Speaker 3: This was back when you actually had to pick up
Speaker 3: a phone that was attached to a cord that was
Speaker 3: attached to.
Speaker 4: The wall and make a phone call.
Speaker 3: And so because of all the effort that went into
Speaker 3: being good friends back in the day, this one friend
Speaker 3: would always get left out. And for some reason, when
Speaker 3: he was left out, I was the person he would call.
Speaker 3: And there was almost this routine in our friendship where
Speaker 3: we would go out and do something We would forget
Speaker 3: about our one friend and I would get the phone
Speaker 3: call and it would go something like this.
Speaker 4: Ring, ring, hello?
Speaker 3: Hey Kurt, I heard you guys went to Disneyland last night.
Speaker 4: You didn't invite me. Real cool, chump. And he'd hang up.
Speaker 2: Click.
Speaker 4: Ring, ring. Hey Kurt, I heard you guys went to
Speaker 4: the movies last night. Didn't invite me. Real cool, chump, click.
Speaker 3: It was a routine, I was so afraid of, I
Speaker 3: couldn't do anything without upsetting my friend for him not
Speaker 3: being included. Hey Kurt, I heard you folded your underwear
Speaker 3: last night. Didn't invite me. Real cool, I mean no
Speaker 3: matter what we did, if he wasn't included, it was
Speaker 3: this issue. And when I start thinking about encouragement, and
Speaker 3: I had to make the decision, Is my friend somebody
Speaker 3: who gives me support, confidence, and hope?
Speaker 4: Or is he a source of tension?
Speaker 3: As I evaluated my circle of friends, I had to
Speaker 3: make a decision that maybe that's.
Speaker 4: Not somebody I want in my core circle. He didn't
Speaker 4: fill my heart.
Speaker 3: One of my good friends right now, Eddie, lives in Atlanta.
Speaker 4: We hardly ever see each other.
Speaker 3: And yet every time I'm with Eddie Northern, every time,
Speaker 3: whether it's for coffee or an extended weekend together, when
Speaker 3: I'm in Atlanta or he's here on business, if I
Speaker 3: spend five minutes, 50 minutes, five hours with Eddie, I
Speaker 3: walk away and my heart is full. He just has
Speaker 3: a way of encouraging me and supporting me and breathing
Speaker 3: confidence into my life. Those are the kind of friends
Speaker 3: that God says you should have closest to you. So
Speaker 3: choose friends who encourage me spiritually. You see, part of
Speaker 3: feeling lonely, and as Pastor Rick so perfectly set up
Speaker 3: this whole topic, loneliness is a big, big struggle. In fact,
Speaker 3: current statistics say that 65% of 12 to 17-year-olds, 65%,
Speaker 3: experience loneliness on a regular basis.
Speaker 4: It's a big deal.
Speaker 3: And part of this loneliness that we feel is because
Speaker 3: our hearts aren't filled up. We feel lonely because we
Speaker 3: don't have the kind of friendships that fill our hearts.
Speaker 3: We have friendships that are full of some of these
Speaker 3: other negative things that Pastor Rick encouraged us to avoid.
Speaker 3: Here's a second quality in your core friends. It's to
Speaker 3: choose friends who consistently support me emotionally. Choose friends who
Speaker 3: who consistently support me emotionally. I love this verse, Proverbs 17,
Speaker 3: 17 says this, a friend loves you all the time.
Speaker 3: Do me a favor and underline that, all the time.
Speaker 3: A friend loves you all the time like a brother
Speaker 3: born to help in trouble.
Speaker 4: Now it's been.
Speaker 3: Said that a true friend, and how you judge your
Speaker 3: true friends, is that a true friend walks in When
Speaker 3: everybody else walks out. That when you're going through trouble,
Speaker 3: you know you're friends by the people who walk into
Speaker 3: your life versus the people who tend to walk out.
Speaker 3: So what does it look like to walk into somebody's life?
Speaker 3: Here's what walking in means. You might want to just
Speaker 3: jot these down someplace. Walking in means saying I'm here
Speaker 3: with you, not just I'm here for you. You notice
Speaker 3: the difference? I'm here with you, not just, hey, if
Speaker 3: you need anything, I know you're going through a tough time.
Speaker 3: If you need anything, I'm here for you. When you
Speaker 3: say I'm here for you, you're putting all the burden
Speaker 3: on them to reach out to you in their moment
Speaker 3: of need. When you say I'm here with you, what
Speaker 3: you're saying is I'm gonna be proactive, I'm gonna walk
Speaker 3: this journey with you, I will be with you every
Speaker 3: step of the way, and you look for ways to
Speaker 3: model that you're there with them.
Speaker 4: Walking in means listening.
Speaker 3: The best emotional support that you can give somebody is
Speaker 3: usually just to sit and be quiet. When people are
Speaker 3: going through a tough time, less words, more listening. Saying
Speaker 3: I'm here with you means I'm listening to what you
Speaker 3: have to say and I'm willing to be with you
Speaker 3: in it. Walking in means serving your friends. Walking in
Speaker 3: means serving your friends, looking for ways to proactively be
Speaker 3: an emotional support, a physical support, whatever it is that they.
Speaker 4: Might need you to be. Third, choose friends who challenge
Speaker 4: me to think, oh, this is the tough one. This
Speaker 4: is the tough, if I can be honest for a minute,
Speaker 4: just the two of us. Just me and you. I
Speaker 4: don't like this one.
Speaker 3: I don't like this one. That God wants me to
Speaker 3: choose friends who challenge me to think. Proverbs 13, 20 says,
Speaker 3: if you keep company with wise friends, you'll become wise.
Speaker 3: But if you make friends with foolish people, your life
Speaker 3: will fall to pieces. You see, I like to be
Speaker 3: friends with people who kind of think like I do.
Speaker 3: I like to be friends with people who have some
Speaker 3: of the same dumb beliefs, dumb opinions, strange worldview.
Speaker 4: I like people who are like me.
Speaker 3: And when somebody starts pushing up against that, I have
Speaker 3: a tendency to fight it.
Speaker 4: I don't want to be challenged.
Speaker 3: Come on, if you're really my friend, just kind of
Speaker 3: agree with me, put up with me. I'm kind of
Speaker 3: half-baked and dumb-idead sometimes, and you should be okay with that.
Speaker 4: You know, dumb and dumber? Great movie, great movie.
Speaker 3: Not a good recipe for healthy friendships, right? Dumb and
Speaker 3: dumber doesn't make for healthy friendships. I need people in
Speaker 3: my life, you need people in your life who are willing,
Speaker 3: not in an argumentative, judgmental way, but friends who are
Speaker 3: willing to call you on your stuff.
Speaker 4: Iron sharpens iron.
Speaker 3: One of my very best core friends is actually the
Speaker 3: gentleman that co-wrote the book that Pastor Rick talked about
Speaker 3: earlier with me. And if you were to say the
Speaker 3: three or four most important life issues, Mark and I
Speaker 3: would agree 100%.
Speaker 4: Of the time on those three or four core life issues.
Speaker 3: Of the three or four million non-essential life issues, Mark
Speaker 3: and I would disagree about 99.9% of the time. We
Speaker 3: just see things differently. We've experienced our faith differently. We've
Speaker 3: raised our kids differently. The way he and his wife
Speaker 3: navigate society. things is different than the way my wife
Speaker 3: and I navigate things. He has two children that they're
Speaker 3: exact same age as our kids. The way they've raised
Speaker 3: their kids is different than the way we've raised our kids.
Speaker 3: And we have had over the years these passionate, wonderful, challenging, stretching,
Speaker 3: confusing conversations. And moments and times where we get eye
Speaker 3: to eye and knee to knee and say, bro, here's
Speaker 3: what I think about that. Here's what I'm seeing. Here's
Speaker 3: where I differ. And the result has been wonderful. It's
Speaker 3: been wonderful. I'm a better dad because he's challenged me.
Speaker 3: I'm a better husband because he sees things differently about
Speaker 3: marriage than I do. I'm a better follower of Jesus
Speaker 3: because he has challenged experienced his faith in some ways
Speaker 3: that are different than my journey, and it's added this
Speaker 3: layer of richness and this layer of depth to my life.
Speaker 3: The easy thing in friendships is just to surround yourselves
Speaker 3: with like-minded people. Birds of a feather flock together. That's
Speaker 3: the easiest route to take. It's the road of least resistance.
Speaker 3: But if you want rich, meaningful, life-giving, heartfelt, filling relationships,
Speaker 3: I would encourage you to take God's advice and choose
Speaker 3: friends who challenge you to think.
Speaker 4: Now that homework, that homework that Rick mentioned.
Speaker 3: Is something I'm going to ask you to do as
Speaker 3: we kind of move through some more parts of this
Speaker 3: message is this week, this week sometime, I'm going to
Speaker 3: ask you to take a look at that picture, maybe
Speaker 3: draw it out on a napkin or a piece of paper,
Speaker 3: write out those casual friends. Write out the close friends,
Speaker 3: and in regards to these three things, take a look
Speaker 3: at who you put in your core friend category, and
Speaker 3: ask yourself, do these people, do they encourage me spiritually,
Speaker 3: do they support me emotionally, and do they challenge me
Speaker 3: to think?
Speaker 2: Thanks.
Speaker 1: Let me give you a sentence to write down to
Speaker 1: kind of summarize everything Kurt and I are trying to say.
Speaker 1: My best friends should bring out the best in me.
Speaker 1: If they're not bringing out the best in you, they're
Speaker 1: not really your best friends. Somebody else should be your
Speaker 1: best friend. If your best friends aren't bringing out the best,
Speaker 1: they're not your best. So write that down and when
Speaker 1: you're looking at your friendships and do an evaluation of that,
Speaker 1: Think about that. Are these my best friends? Are they
Speaker 1: bringing out the best in me or not? Now, let's
Speaker 1: switch gears and talk about the opposite. And that is this.
Speaker 1: Here's another sentence you might wanna write down. To have
Speaker 1: great friends, I must be a great friend. You might
Speaker 1: write that one down. That's where we're going now in
Speaker 1: the next part of this message. To have great friends,
Speaker 1: I have to be a great friend. I can't expect
Speaker 1: people to be to me what I'm not being to them.
Speaker 1: And so whatever I want other people to do with me,
Speaker 1: I need to do with them. You will attract what
Speaker 1: you are. If you're a great friend, guess what? You
Speaker 1: will attract great friends. So that's a factor that we
Speaker 1: need to look at now. Let's look at eight building
Speaker 1: blocks on how to be a great friend according to
Speaker 1: the Bible, according to what God says, and he's always
Speaker 1: gonna be right. So let's just go through these eight.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna take some of them, Kurt's gonna take some
Speaker 1: of them. Building blocks of close relationships. Eight factors for
Speaker 1: forming friendships. Number one, be cheerful. Greet people with a smile.
Speaker 1: Now that may seem kind of obvious, but when you
Speaker 1: take a friend for granted, you often don't smile at them.
Speaker 1: There is an enormous power in a simple smile. A
Speaker 1: smile can change an atmosphere overnight, instantly. It can change
Speaker 1: a room. The shortest distance between two people is a smile.
Speaker 1: A smile is a universal language. It is known all
Speaker 1: around the world. If you smile at somebody else, guess what?
Speaker 1: They're gonna smile back at you. You don't have to
Speaker 1: know their language, but if you smile, they will smile.
Speaker 1: It is the one thing that's understood besides the international
Speaker 1: finger of disapproval.
Speaker 2: Everybody knows that one too. But this is a better
Speaker 2: one that everybody knows.
Speaker 1: And that is if you smile at somebody, they're gonna
Speaker 1: smile back.
Speaker 2: It's a universal language.
Speaker 1: The great thing about a smile, it costs nothing, but
Speaker 1: you can cheer up somebody who's having a tough time
Speaker 1: just by smiling at that clerk, at that grocery store
Speaker 1: stock person, at anybody you come across with walking down
Speaker 1: the street, you know, the post office person or whatever.
Speaker 1: Studies have shown that when you smile, you actually become cuter.
Speaker 2: Well, there you go.
Speaker 1: You don't have to lose that weight after all, just
Speaker 1: start smiling. If you smile, you will be more attractive.
Speaker 1: Study after study after study say that when a person smiles,
Speaker 1: they instantly become more attractive.
Speaker 2: How'd that work? I don't think so. That wasn't a smile,
Speaker 2: that was a grin.
Speaker 1: I think sourpuss Christians are an insult to the joy
Speaker 1: of God. They look like they were baptized in vinegar.
Speaker 1: And they just go, come on. They walk around with
Speaker 1: these long faces. They're an embarrassment to God. How many
Speaker 1: of you are happy? Can I see your hands? You're
Speaker 1: really happy, okay. How many of you are thrilled that
Speaker 1: you're saved and you're going to heaven?
Speaker 2: All right, okay. Notify your face.
Speaker 1: You know, it only takes seven muscles to smile. It
Speaker 1: takes 42 to frown. If you're frowning, you're wasting a
Speaker 1: lot of energy. Now, notice what the Bible says. Proverbs 15,
Speaker 1: verse 30. A cheerful look brings joy to the heart. Now,
Speaker 1: here's an interesting thing about that verse. We think the opposite.
Speaker 1: A cheerful heart brings a smile to the face. But
Speaker 1: the Bible says the opposite. A cheerful heart brings a
Speaker 1: smile to the face, but this verse says a cheerful
Speaker 1: face a cheerful look brings joy to the heart. Did
Speaker 1: you know that your facial muscles can change the mood
Speaker 1: of your heart?
Speaker 2: That when you don't.
Speaker 1: Feel happy, if you'll just start smiling, it will change
Speaker 1: your mood. I guarantee it, study after scientific study have
Speaker 1: shown that when you actually start smiling, then it'll actually
Speaker 1: change your mood. I can't tell you how many times
Speaker 1: I've been driving to church to preach on Sunday morning,
Speaker 1: and I didn't feel like preaching. I just like to
Speaker 1: stay home, watch football. And I've already done that a
Speaker 1: few times, so how about now? And what I do
Speaker 1: is I just start smiling. And I look at myself
Speaker 1: in the mirror. I just start smiling. Hey, that guy's happy.
Speaker 1: Look at that guy. By the time I get here,
Speaker 1: I'm ready to smile at all of you. We think
Speaker 1: your heart has to change before you smile. God says
Speaker 1: if you start smiling, it'll change your heart.
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: So when you get up in the morning, just start smiling.
Speaker 1: Forcing that smile in your face. Now, by the way,
Speaker 1: while you're at it, use friendly language. Look at this
Speaker 1: next verse. The Lord is pleased with what?
Speaker 2: Friendly words. Circle that.
Speaker 1: Did you know that any time you say a friendly
Speaker 1: word to anybody, it doesn't have to be some kind
Speaker 1: of witness.
Speaker 2: It's just a friendly word.
Speaker 1: God is pleased. The Lord is pleased with friendly words.
Speaker 1: Proverbs 15, 26. You know, The problem we have today is,
Speaker 1: you know, the world seems to be getting crankier and crankier.
Speaker 2: Would you agree with that?
Speaker 1: It just seems like everybody's in a cranky mood and,
Speaker 1: you know, nobody wants to be a friend with a
Speaker 1: cranky person. I heard this week about a cranky, cantankerous
Speaker 1: guy who came into a, oh, it was a flower shop,
Speaker 1: a florist, and he was all upset because they'd gotten
Speaker 1: the order wrong, and he said, you got my order wrong,
Speaker 1: you made a mistake, I ordered flowers for my friend's
Speaker 1: new housewarming, and you sent a bouquet that said, rest
Speaker 1: in peace. And he was just being cranky.
Speaker 3: And.
Speaker 1: I turned to him and I said, well, just think
Speaker 1: about somewhere there's a graveside that says, I hope you
Speaker 1: enjoy your new location. You got a problem? You think
Speaker 1: that's a problem? Somebody's got a worse problem than you do.
Speaker 1: So just start off smiling. You'll make friends just by smiling.
Speaker 1: If you'll just, you know, do that. Now I know
Speaker 1: some of you, that's kinda hard, but you can learn
Speaker 1: to do that. Number two, be comfortable. Second key to
Speaker 1: building friendships, be comfortable. Relax and be yourself. That's the
Speaker 1: second key to building great friendships. Relax and be yourself.
Speaker 1: Be comfortable with you.
Speaker 2: You say, but.
Speaker 1: Rick, if I be me, they might not like the
Speaker 1: real me. Well, if they're not gonna like the real you,
Speaker 1: they're never gonna be your friend in the first place.
Speaker 1: And if they don't like the real you, they don't
Speaker 1: deserve to be your friend.
Speaker 2: And if they don't.
Speaker 1: Like the way you really are, they're not worthy of
Speaker 1: your friendship. So any person, you have to be somebody
Speaker 1: different than who you are to be their friend, is
Speaker 1: not a friend.
Speaker 2: They're not a friend.
Speaker 1: So if you can't just be who you are, then
Speaker 1: you don't want them as a friend, they aren't worthy
Speaker 1: as a friend, and they're never gonna be your friend
Speaker 1: in the first place. So go ahead and be yourself,
Speaker 1: and that pretty quickly will determine who's a real friend
Speaker 1: and who's not. You have to love yourself before you
Speaker 1: can love anybody else.
Speaker 2: You have to think you're worthy.
Speaker 1: If you missed last week's message on identity, go back
Speaker 1: and listen to that, about that you have something significant
Speaker 1: to give to the world. Go back and listen to
Speaker 1: that again on those five reasons why you can feel
Speaker 1: good about you. Jesus in Matthew 22, 39 said this,
Speaker 1: the second greatest command in the whole Bible is this,
Speaker 1: love your neighbor.
Speaker 2: As you love yourself.
Speaker 1: You can't love your neighbor if you don't love yourself.
Speaker 2: You know why?
Speaker 1: Because if I don't like me and I don't feel
Speaker 1: good about me, I certainly don't want you feeling good
Speaker 1: about you.
Speaker 2: So I'm gonna be.
Speaker 1: Constantly picking on you, tearing you down, pulling you down,
Speaker 1: because I don't feel good about me. That's why anytime
Speaker 1: you find somebody in your family, an in-law, a parent,
Speaker 1: anybody who's constantly picking, picking, picking, it just means one thing,
Speaker 1: they don't feel good about themselves.
Speaker 2: Hurts people. Hurt people.
Speaker 1: Hurt people hurt people. When somebody is hurting everybody else
Speaker 1: in the family, it means they need massive doses of
Speaker 1: love because they're hurting. Insecure people want everybody else to
Speaker 1: be insecure, so they're constantly perfectionist, biting, arguing and nipping
Speaker 1: at everything. They're just revealing their own hurt. They reveal,
Speaker 1: hurt people hurt people. Jesus said, love your neighbors, you
Speaker 1: love yourself. You gotta be comfortable with you. And if
Speaker 1: you're not comfortable with you, that's why you don't have
Speaker 1: many friends. You just need to start realizing, as we
Speaker 1: talked about last week, God says, you are my masterpiece.
Speaker 1: I made you to be you, and nobody else in
Speaker 1: the world could be you. That's one advantage you have
Speaker 1: over everybody else. Nobody can be you. Now, if you
Speaker 1: can't be around them, then, then it's not gonna be
Speaker 1: a real friendship. That's why you don't want these kind
Speaker 1: of friendships where you have.
Speaker 2: To wear a mask.
Speaker 1: 2 Corinthians 4 verse two says this, we refuse, we
Speaker 1: refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver,
Speaker 1: we don't manipulate behind the scenes. I love that in
Speaker 1: the message translation.
Speaker 2: He's saying we're the real deal.
Speaker 1: We're not perfect, but what you see is what you get.
Speaker 1: We're authentic, we're the real deal. And if you can't
Speaker 1: be real, then they're not gonna be your friend anyway.
Speaker 1: Be cheerful, smile, use friendly language, but be yourself. Be
Speaker 1: comfortable in your own skin. Number three, be conversational. What
Speaker 1: do I mean by that? Be conversational by asking questions.
Speaker 1: Be conversational by asking questions. If you're talking with somebody,
Speaker 1: you're just meeting them for the first time, and you're
Speaker 1: asking them questions about themselves, that's called a conversation. If
Speaker 1: you're talking to somebody and all you're doing is talking
Speaker 1: about yourself, that's called a monologue.
Speaker 2: That is not a conversation.
Speaker 1: When you're going and you're trying to impress everybody with
Speaker 1: how cool you are, that's a monologue. That is not
Speaker 1: a way to make friends. The way you make friends
Speaker 1: is by asking questions.
Speaker 2: And why?
Speaker 1: Because questions shows you're interested in them. Philippians 2.4. Don't
Speaker 1: just think about your own affairs, but be interested in others.
Speaker 1: and in what they are doing. That's how you have friends,
Speaker 1: be interested in others and what they're doing. Circle the
Speaker 1: phrase be interested. I'm gonna give you something, if you
Speaker 1: don't get anything else, this is one of the most
Speaker 1: important keys to building solid, healthy friendships. Okay, so I'm
Speaker 1: gonna ask you to write it down. The secret of
Speaker 1: making friends is to be interested, not interesting. The secret
Speaker 1: of making friends is to be interested in them, not
Speaker 1: interesting yourself. This is the biggest mistake people make in
Speaker 1: trying to find friends. They're trying to be interesting. We're
Speaker 1: trying to look cool, smell cool, sound cool, be cool,
Speaker 1: wear cool clothes, great cool hairdo, and we want to
Speaker 1: be the mysterious man of mystery or woman of mystery.
Speaker 1: And we want to be interesting. Stop trying to be interesting.
Speaker 1: Be interested.
Speaker 2: Be interested in them. You'll have plenty of friends.
Speaker 1: You will make more friends in two months being interested
Speaker 1: in others than you will in two years of trying
Speaker 1: to be interesting. Trying to be sexy, trying to be cool.
Speaker 1: People are waiting for people to be interested in them.
Speaker 1: And if you will be, put aside your ego and
Speaker 1: be interested in them.
Speaker 2: How do you be interested in them? Ask questions.
Speaker 1: The more questions you ask, the more, you know, there's
Speaker 1: sometimes I'll sit down with somebody at some, you know,
Speaker 1: rubber chicken dinner banquet that I have to go to,
Speaker 1: and I don't know them from Adam, but I'll just
Speaker 1: start asking a series of questions, and I'll say hardly
Speaker 1: anything that night. They're talking the whole time, and they
Speaker 1: go away thinking, that Rick Warren, he's the greatest conversationalist
Speaker 1: there is. I haven't said hardly anything. I just got
Speaker 1: them talking and I let them talk. Stop trying to
Speaker 1: be interesting. Start being interested. The world is looking for
Speaker 1: people who will be interested in them. And so that's
Speaker 1: a real key. You ask questions. There's a verse here
Speaker 1: on the screen. Write this down. Proverbs 20 verse five.
Speaker 1: It says this. A person's thoughts are like water in
Speaker 1: a deep well. But with insight, you can draw them out.
Speaker 1: How do you draw people out? How do you get
Speaker 1: people to draw the insights and the thoughts out of people?
Speaker 2: Ask questions.
Speaker 1: Learn to ask questions. You might make a list of
Speaker 1: good questions you want to ask and keep them in
Speaker 1: your pockets. When you're sitting on a plane next to somebody,
Speaker 1: you can think, well, what are those questions I wanted
Speaker 1: to ask? And you'll get, you'll involve them Be interested,
Speaker 1: not trying to be interesting, okay? Let me give you
Speaker 1: a fourth one. We said, okay, be cheerful, be comfortable,
Speaker 1: be conversational. Number four, be considerate. That's what good friends are.
Speaker 2: They're considerate. What does that mean?
Speaker 1: Listen well and empathize. You listen and you empathize. Listen
Speaker 1: well and everybody in the world is waiting to be
Speaker 1: listened to. And if you are a good listener, you're
Speaker 1: never gonna lack for friends. If you're willing to just
Speaker 1: get out there and listen to people, you will never
Speaker 1: lack for friends.
Speaker 2: Why?
Speaker 1: Because listening is loving. When I listen to you, I'm
Speaker 1: giving you the most important thing in my life, my
Speaker 1: time and my attention. I could always get more money,
Speaker 1: but I can't get more time. I've only got a
Speaker 1: certain amount of time in my life and I've only
Speaker 1: got a certain amount of attention. When I give you
Speaker 1: my time and attention, I'm never getting that back. That's
Speaker 1: why right now you're giving me your time and attention.
Speaker 1: That's why I work so hard on these messages. Because
Speaker 1: I think it's a heavy burden to pastor a church
Speaker 1: our size. Because I think if I waste an hour
Speaker 1: of 30,000 people this weekend, I have just effectively wasted 30,000 hours.
Speaker 1: That is a burden I do not carry lightly.
Speaker 2: You want it? I'll give it to you. You can
Speaker 2: preach next week.
Speaker 1: But I'm always thinking, I don't wanna waste people's time
Speaker 1: because time is your life. Wasting time is suicide. It's
Speaker 1: killing your life. You're not gonna get any more time.
Speaker 1: When I give people my attention, I'm giving the most
Speaker 1: powerful thing I've got. People say, husbands say, I don't
Speaker 1: understand my wife and kids. I give them everything they want.
Speaker 1: I buy them everything.
Speaker 2: What do they want? They want you. They want your attention.
Speaker 1: Did you know that the average dad, latest study, spends
Speaker 1: seven seconds a day with his kids?
Speaker 2: That's not attention.
Speaker 1: That's why they're paying more attention to the screens. Seven
Speaker 1: seconds a day. So you pay attention, you listen, you empathize,
Speaker 1: you pay attention. James chapter one verse 19. Let everyone
Speaker 1: be quick to listen and slow to speak. Now, typically,
Speaker 1: we do the opposite of that. We're quick to speak,
Speaker 1: and we're slow to listen. When you're in a friendship,
Speaker 1: you don't try to compete with your friend, one-upping them. Well,
Speaker 1: their story, well, your story's better, and their tale, your
Speaker 1: tale's better, and they did this, well, you did this better.
Speaker 1: That's not friendship, that's competition. But if you become a
Speaker 1: good listener, you're gonna have plenty of friends. Romans 12,
Speaker 1: verse five, 15. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep
Speaker 1: with those who weep. That's empathy. Do you know what
Speaker 1: empathy is? Empathy is not sympathy. Sympathy says, I'm sorry
Speaker 1: you're hurt. That's sympathy, I'm sorry you're hurt. Empathy says,
Speaker 1: I hurt with you. That's the difference. Empathy is, I'm
Speaker 1: sorry you're hurt. Empathy is, I hurt with you. Now,
Speaker 1: there's a third level beyond that, and that's to be
Speaker 1: like Jesus, and that's compassion. Compassion is, I will do
Speaker 1: anything I can to stop your hurt. And repeatedly, we
Speaker 1: find that Jesus was moved with compassion. I will do
Speaker 1: whatever it takes to stop your hurt, even if it
Speaker 1: means going to the cross for you.
Speaker 2: I will die. That's how important you are to me.
Speaker 1: But what I'm saying here is if you're gonna be
Speaker 1: a friend, you're gonna have to learn how to share
Speaker 1: some emotion. You gotta be happy when they're happy. You
Speaker 1: gotta be sad when they're sad. You gotta enter into
Speaker 1: their emotion. You gotta be empathetic. You gotta share their feelings.
Speaker 2: Now, look.
Speaker 1: Kurt's gonna come back in just a second, but I
Speaker 1: wanna pause here and say something to those of you
Speaker 1: who are parents who still have kids at home. All
Speaker 1: these relational skills that Kurt and I are teaching this weekend,
Speaker 1: they need to be taught at home. They're certainly not
Speaker 1: gonna be taught in a classroom at school. They need
Speaker 1: to be taught at home. And they need to be
Speaker 1: modeled and they need to be practiced.
Speaker 2: Where?
Speaker 1: It's called the family dinner. I know it's going the
Speaker 1: way of the dodo bird. Families don't eat dinner together anymore.
Speaker 1: And that's why kids are lonely, because they haven't learned
Speaker 1: the skills of how to take your turn listening. They
Speaker 1: haven't learned the skills of how to ask questions. They
Speaker 1: haven't learned the skills of how to talk as an
Speaker 1: intelligent person with an adult, much less another kid. And
Speaker 1: I wanna make a plea that if you're not having
Speaker 1: family dinners, to reinstitute them. They're the best way to
Speaker 1: teach relational skills. All right, just best way to teach them.
Speaker 1: Just sit around, eat dinner together, and talk, and you
Speaker 1: take turns listening, you take turns talking, and it has
Speaker 1: to be modeled, it has to be practiced. If you
Speaker 1: want kids, parents, to have great friends, you want your
Speaker 1: kids to have great friends, you gotta do three things.
Speaker 1: you gotta model attention and listening skills. Like I said,
Speaker 1: eat dinner together. You gotta spend some time interacting in conversation,
Speaker 1: not seven seconds a day, and you gotta be willing,
Speaker 1: this is a tough one, to transport your kids to
Speaker 1: their friends. Now if you're not willing to take your
Speaker 1: kids to their friend's house, or not willing to bring
Speaker 1: the kids to your house, don't complain when they're talking
Speaker 1: to each other on the screen. If that's the only
Speaker 1: way they can get together. because you're not willing to
Speaker 1: let them have face-to-face connections. So it means a sacrifice.
Speaker 1: I had to sacrifice some of my time to let
Speaker 1: my kids learn social skills. But that's what's called being
Speaker 1: a dad. It's called being a father. Now, if I'm
Speaker 1: always looking at a screen phone as an adult, and
Speaker 1: my kids see me doing that, I can't complain that
Speaker 1: they're always looking at it, whether it's a video game
Speaker 1: or something else. Don't blame them for not having friends
Speaker 1: if I don't help them make contact with anybody.
Speaker 2: They can't drive themselves. So there is a parental role here.
Speaker 3: Real quickly, let's... Add a few more keys to building
Speaker 3: healthy friendships.
Speaker 4: The fifth one is to be consistent. To be consistent.
Speaker 3: Specifically, you can be consistent by sticking with them in
Speaker 3: tough times. Stick with them in tough times. If you're
Speaker 3: known for being consistent, you'll be known for being a
Speaker 3: good friend. Proverbs 18, 24 says, there are friends who
Speaker 3: pretend to be friends, but there is a friend who
Speaker 3: sticks closer than a brother.
Speaker 4: Talking about consistency here.
Speaker 3: Job 6.14 says, a despairing man should have the devotion
Speaker 3: of his friends, even though he forsakes the fear of
Speaker 3: the Almighty. Now, if you're unfamiliar with Job, Job is
Speaker 3: a gentleman who had it all. And when he had
Speaker 3: it all, he had lots of friends, and then the
Speaker 3: wheels began to fall off the cart, and he lost
Speaker 3: it all. And Job quickly realized that as he was
Speaker 3: losing it all, his friends were abandoning him. There was
Speaker 3: not a I am with you in this moment. There
Speaker 3: wasn't a consistency. If you're unfamiliar with that, there's an
Speaker 3: entire book of the Bible dedicated, and you will learn
Speaker 3: a ton about healthy friendships if you look at the
Speaker 3: life of Job. A sixth key to building healthy friendships
Speaker 3: is to be confidential.
Speaker 4: To be confidential.
Speaker 3: Don't gossip about them. Pastor Rick already hit on this,
Speaker 3: so here's my pro tip. Just a quick, short little
Speaker 3: pro tip is this. Your gossip will find you out.
Speaker 3: Your gossip will find you out. If you think you're
Speaker 3: gossiping in secret, you will become known for being a gossip.
Speaker 3: Your friends will figure it out, and that will hinder
Speaker 3: your friendship together. These verses speak to that. Proverbs 11, 13,
Speaker 3: a true friend.
Speaker 4: Will keep a secret.
Speaker 3: And obviously, just as a side note, there are times
Speaker 3: when a true friend can't keep a secret, right?
Speaker 4: We know that.
Speaker 3: But we're talking about those healthy confidences. When people are
Speaker 3: opening their heart and they're sharing their struggle, that's the
Speaker 3: kind of.
Speaker 4: Stuff that you hold confident. You want to be a
Speaker 4: safe sounding board.
Speaker 3: When somebody shares secrets that are dangerous or harmful or hurtful,
Speaker 3: that's a time where the best thing you can do
Speaker 3: is to break that confidence and not to hold that secret.
Speaker 3: Proverbs 11, 13 says this, no one who gossips can
Speaker 3: be trusted. Your gossip will find you out. But you
Speaker 3: can put your confidence in someone who is trustworthy. A
Speaker 3: seventh key to building healthy friendships is to be candid.
Speaker 3: Always tell the truth. Always tell the truth. Now here's
Speaker 3: the thing, that is not an excuse to.
Speaker 4: Be a jerk.
Speaker 3: Some of the most hurtful words a friend has ever
Speaker 3: said to another friend.
Speaker 4: Is, I was just being honest. Why are you so upset?
Speaker 3: I was just telling you the truth. It's not an
Speaker 3: excuse to be a jerk. There's a verse in the
Speaker 3: Bible that says the wounds of a friend bring healing.
Speaker 3: So there will be times in a healthy friendship where
Speaker 3: you have to be truthful and that truth might sting
Speaker 3: a little bit. But when you're saying it in love,
Speaker 3: when you're saying the truth in a way that when
Speaker 3: the dust settles, your friend knows that you're still a
Speaker 3: sort of friend.
Speaker 4: Of hope, support, encouragement. You're filling their heart.
Speaker 3: The truth, even when it's hurtful, can bring healing and
Speaker 3: strengthen a friendship. Proverbs 24, 26, an honest answer is
Speaker 3: a sign of true friendship. And then eight, and we
Speaker 3: could summarize the entire message on how to be a
Speaker 3: healthy friend and how to build healthy friendships is simply this,
Speaker 3: be Christ-like.
Speaker 4: Be Christ-like.
Speaker 3: And one of the best ways for us to try
Speaker 3: to be Christ-like is to love them unconditionally.
Speaker 4: To love people unconditionally.
Speaker 3: In a world that begs for us to achieve and
Speaker 3: to try to earn approval and to prove our worth,
Speaker 3: When people know that you're somebody who just loves them
Speaker 3: for who they are, they will be drawn to you
Speaker 3: and you'll have a chance to build some really great friendships.
Speaker 3: Romans 15, seven says, accept each other just as Christ
Speaker 3: accepted you.
Speaker 4: All the research shows, all the research.
Speaker 3: Shows that the antidote to loneliness, the primary antidote to
Speaker 3: loneliness is healthy friendships.
Speaker 4: Over and over and over and over again.
Speaker 3: The anecdote to loneliness is healthy friendships. And the key
Speaker 3: to healthy friendships is to look at the model, and
Speaker 3: Jesus Christ is the model. Jesus modeled what it means
Speaker 3: to be a good friend. And when you can begin
Speaker 3: to love people like Jesus loved people, what you will
Speaker 3: begin to do is to become a person who fills
Speaker 3: the hearts of others.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 1: As we close, let me just ask you a couple questions.
Speaker 1: Are your friends helping or hindering your spiritual growth? You know,
Speaker 1: dating the wrong person can cause you to miss God's purpose.
Speaker 2: Are you a great friend to others?
Speaker 1: Which of these eight building blocks that we just went
Speaker 1: through do you need to work on yourself? Which of
Speaker 1: your friends do you need to invite to church? I
Speaker 1: want to close with one last verse and it's John 15,
Speaker 1: 15 where Jesus says, I have called you my friends.
Speaker 1: Jesus has accepted you. Have you accepted him? If you
Speaker 1: have to say, Jesus Christ, I accept you into my
Speaker 1: life today. I want to be a friend of God.
Speaker 1: I want to be a friend of Jesus. And I
Speaker 1: want to know your purpose for my life. Father, help
Speaker 1: us to be a church that's not just known as
Speaker 1: a friendly church, but a church that's full of friends.
Speaker 1: That we're friends to everyone. That we love everyone. But
Speaker 1: that our closest friends are those that's strive to make
Speaker 1: us grow, to bring out the best in us. May
Speaker 1: we be best friends by bringing out the best in others.
Speaker 1: And may we choose best friends who bring out the
Speaker 1: best in us. I pray this in Jesus' name, amen.