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<v Speaker 1>I'm sitting here in my car, a car rental, on

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<v Speaker 1>a beautiful dusk evening in Carrie's Joel, my childhood village.

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<v Speaker 1>I've been driving around trying to think of what I

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<v Speaker 1>need to do as a YouTuber, as a vlogger for

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<v Speaker 1>my visit to the annual Hudlookah, this big fire. I've

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<v Speaker 1>never seen it before. It wasn't the thing when I

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<v Speaker 1>was a child. I came to do a video about it.

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<v Speaker 1>I come here to visit family. I'm going to come

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<v Speaker 1>next week for Hasana, a wedding. It's not like I

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<v Speaker 1>don't come, but when I come, I almost always go

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<v Speaker 1>straight to whatever it is. I'm coming for a wedding,

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<v Speaker 1>a celebration, my parents, and I just want to get

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<v Speaker 1>back home right away afterwards. Now, because this is a

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<v Speaker 1>specific trip for a video, I'm trying to push myself

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<v Speaker 1>to think of it as a work project instead of

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<v Speaker 1>a personal visit. But this is the place where the

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<v Speaker 1>personal and the work is intertwined for me, where it

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<v Speaker 1>is almost not work at all ever, And that's why

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<v Speaker 1>I actually don't make videos when I visit family. When

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<v Speaker 1>I visit, I think someone is trying to pass anyway.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm sitting here, and I'm pausing, and I'm reflecting on

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<v Speaker 1>the fact that it's near impossible for me to approach

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<v Speaker 1>Gary's Joel as a video project. I just enter a

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<v Speaker 1>headspace when I'm here that is so meditative that I

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<v Speaker 1>can't just take pictures. I can't take videos and think

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<v Speaker 1>of what is the story, because I feel myself transported

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<v Speaker 1>to that particular childhood. Seeing the girls on the pobo

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<v Speaker 1>sticks playing badminton, seeing them all of them pause and

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<v Speaker 1>stop and stare and wonder who I am, and I

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<v Speaker 1>feel a sense of perhaps intrusion mixed with intrigue. It's

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<v Speaker 1>such a unique, particular flavor that doesn't exist elsewhere. It's

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<v Speaker 1>not to say that this world is perfect or terrible.

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<v Speaker 1>It's not to say that it's a value judgment. It's

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<v Speaker 1>just a particular flavor. And a part of that flavor

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<v Speaker 1>is a tremendous innocence in childhood, an experience of a

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<v Speaker 1>childhood where you step out of your house and there

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<v Speaker 1>are a bunch of children playing outside and women are

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<v Speaker 1>sitting around in a circle and talking. It's inexplicable to

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<v Speaker 1>me to explain to outsiders what it means to grow

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<v Speaker 1>up with us. I think there's something extremely charming, and

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<v Speaker 1>there's a sadness to me about society today where that

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<v Speaker 1>doesn't exist. I think in order for children to have

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<v Speaker 1>what exists in care is goal, an entire equo system

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<v Speaker 1>must exist where a women have a lot of children,

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of children. I had one child, and now

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<v Speaker 1>that mother's days coming, I reflect on that it wasn't

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<v Speaker 1>what I thought would happen. But having so many children

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<v Speaker 1>is giving your life towards motherhood, and I don't know

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<v Speaker 1>how many women would be willing to do that. And

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<v Speaker 1>in order for children to have a childhood of this

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<v Speaker 1>kind of communal experience, you pop out of your house

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<v Speaker 1>and there are other children playing. Everything is about children.

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<v Speaker 1>You need the women to have a lot of children,

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<v Speaker 1>and you need the men, of course to be extremely

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<v Speaker 1>involved and not only be successful business owners, entrepreneurs or

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<v Speaker 1>workers in whatever regards supporting a large family, but also

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<v Speaker 1>being extremely involved with the children. It's a very gender

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<v Speaker 1>segregated world. There are a lot of spaces that are

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<v Speaker 1>male only, and the fathers need to be very hands

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<v Speaker 1>on with the sons, or the male teachers with their

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<v Speaker 1>male students, and so in order for society to produce

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<v Speaker 1>this kind of cocoon for childhood. Adulthood needs to be

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<v Speaker 1>entirely about taking care of children, almost entirely, which is

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<v Speaker 1>of course a lot to ask. I see myself as

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<v Speaker 1>a feminist. I mean, there are all sorts of feminists

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<v Speaker 1>these days, but I see myself as someone who believes

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<v Speaker 1>in the empowerment of women. And for me, the idea

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<v Speaker 1>of creating only one track for women, the possibility of

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<v Speaker 1>focusing their lives so entirely on motherhood, it doesn't jive.

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<v Speaker 1>And so I'm left with this conflict where I admire

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<v Speaker 1>and appreciate things that I see here, and yet the

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<v Speaker 1>elements that it takes to create it, I can't stand by.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm feeling this tremendous inner conflict about. Another example is

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<v Speaker 1>the banning of secular media, which me means that children

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<v Speaker 1>don't have TV, they don't have smartphones, they don't have internet.

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<v Speaker 1>And it sounds so romantic and so wonderful, but first

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<v Speaker 1>of all, there is a tremendous limitation. It's not all wonderful.

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<v Speaker 1>There are some ways in which it is extremely limiting,

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<v Speaker 1>but also it is extremely onerous on the adults. It's

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<v Speaker 1>extremely difficult to raise children like this, where you can't

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<v Speaker 1>hand them a device where you can't rely on media,

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<v Speaker 1>where you can't yourself sink into media. It's not to

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<v Speaker 1>say that it's not extremely beneficial in many ways, but

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<v Speaker 1>you know, there are a lot of people who get

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of comfort and social connection through the Internet,

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<v Speaker 1>and in this community, I'm sure there's a percentage of

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<v Speaker 1>people who are lonely or isolated and would have been

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<v Speaker 1>otherwise if they had access to the media opportunities there

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<v Speaker 1>are out there. I also think there are a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of people in the secular world who are overstimulated, addicted

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<v Speaker 1>to their devices, and I'll be the first to raise

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<v Speaker 1>my hand on that, and whose lives are diminished because

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<v Speaker 1>of hyper addiction to screen culture. I'm turning over in

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<v Speaker 1>my head all of these different feelings, sacrifices, and payoffs,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm seeing a charm in the payoff when I

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<v Speaker 1>feel the feeling of the sweat of a young girl

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<v Speaker 1>on her pogo stick, innocently passing the hours without being overstimulated,

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<v Speaker 1>so enveloped with the real needs that a child has,

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<v Speaker 1>the real needs for childhood. I think, looking back driving

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<v Speaker 1>around here, in many ways I was gifted with a

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<v Speaker 1>childhood experience that was enriching and gave me an opportunity

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<v Speaker 1>to become a more vibrant, artistic soul, which is how

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<v Speaker 1>I see myself. It gave me to become more complicated,

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<v Speaker 1>more myself, more tortured in some ways, more baggage, and

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<v Speaker 1>also more just growth of the self, which would have

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<v Speaker 1>been flattened in a flowery, perfect stimulated, structured Western world

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<v Speaker 1>where the parents are setting you up with the best college,

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<v Speaker 1>with after school programs, with your play dates and so on.

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<v Speaker 1>I think that makes the bud of the self smaller.

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<v Speaker 1>Yet at the same time, I also think a community

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<v Speaker 1>like this, which is so much pear pressure, so many eyes,

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<v Speaker 1>can also make you smaller in other ways. And so

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<v Speaker 1>when I come to Kirisole, it's almost impossible for me

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<v Speaker 1>to approach it as a video project because I become

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<v Speaker 1>so consumed with all of these feelings. As memories flood back,

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<v Speaker 1>I have these sensory experiences. I can taste jobs afternoon

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<v Speaker 1>isis and Foxy's corn chips at night, after cleaning the kitchen,

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<v Speaker 1>washing the floor, I can smell the mister cleaned the murphy,

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<v Speaker 1>the table cleaned away, the chairs tucked on the table,

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<v Speaker 1>running around with the girls at night, when the younger

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<v Speaker 1>kids are already asleep, the summer breeze through the window

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<v Speaker 1>as we fold laundry. I can feel it, I can

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<v Speaker 1>taste it. The littlest things bring back memories that are

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<v Speaker 1>so long ago. I've lived such a long life since then.

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<v Speaker 1>I walked in front of a place I worked as

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<v Speaker 1>a young single mother, and I remember my son coming

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<v Speaker 1>off the bus after school and coming up to my

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<v Speaker 1>office very hard time I was going through divorce. I

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<v Speaker 1>was shunned, I was shamed. It was brutal. And on

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<v Speaker 1>the one hand, I walk through this area and I'm

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<v Speaker 1>filled with gratitude that I'm not in this precarious place

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<v Speaker 1>of transition. The other hand, I see myself in the

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<v Speaker 1>reflection of this office building, and I'm older, so much older,

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<v Speaker 1>so much time has passed, and it reminds me of

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<v Speaker 1>how there's this tremendous chasm of a river between my

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<v Speaker 1>childhood and carriage jold. Today I visited this whole area

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<v Speaker 1>that is completely new. I don't know, I don't know

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<v Speaker 1>who lives there. It's just like all apartment buildings. And

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<v Speaker 1>what's beautiful to me about it is it's structured in

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<v Speaker 1>a way to give the children maximum social cohesion. Everyone

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<v Speaker 1>lives together, it's safe, the children can run around downstairs.

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<v Speaker 1>Everything is walking distance. It's not spread apart. It's not

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<v Speaker 1>everyone in little isolated bubbles. But it's also not apartment

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<v Speaker 1>buildings like in my part of Brooklyn, where no one

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<v Speaker 1>is connected with each other's in apartment buildings. It's like

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<v Speaker 1>true neighborhoodness. And it's the architecture, the design that allows

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<v Speaker 1>for this communal experience to be. And I'm happy to

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<v Speaker 1>see it. When I drive around and I see new

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<v Speaker 1>neighborhoods that give children this kind of innocent childhood, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>happy for them because I'm remembering my own happy moments.

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<v Speaker 1>My childhood was not a happy one writ large. It

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<v Speaker 1>was in some ways very tormented, but it also had

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of innocence, and I have so many happy memories,

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<v Speaker 1>and it makes me happy to see it, to see

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<v Speaker 1>it come back in new areas, new places, new developments,

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<v Speaker 1>stretching this bubble that makes the Hasidic community tick of

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<v Speaker 1>unique architecture, school systems, an entire approach. It's not one thing,

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<v Speaker 1>it's a whole system coming together, and I'm happy to

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<v Speaker 1>see it exist. Yet at the same time. Understand it's imperfect.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not in denial about the issues. I think some

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<v Speaker 1>children are having it horribly. As I drive around, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>just reflecting on the miracle of such a different way

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<v Speaker 1>of raising the family than is structured in the host culture,

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<v Speaker 1>secular culture, and what it feels like to remember it

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<v Speaker 1>when driving around in this community. And I just decided

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<v Speaker 1>take a little break as the sunsets and stop trying

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<v Speaker 1>to see and think of where should I go to

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<v Speaker 1>film and just share my thoughts and then go see

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<v Speaker 1>my mom. Maybe I'll go see my sister who wants

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<v Speaker 1>me to go teach her how to knit, which is

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<v Speaker 1>the strangest thing. She invited me to come from Brooklyn

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<v Speaker 1>to teach her how to knit. Told this, who does that?

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<v Speaker 1>You go on the internet you learn how to knit.

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<v Speaker 1>That's how I learned. I said, what's going to happen

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<v Speaker 1>when I've If you're gonna forget? Then I thought, you

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<v Speaker 1>know what, Actually, we can use her canon camera and

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<v Speaker 1>record it. Anyway, I'm gonna go to the headlook and

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<v Speaker 1>see what that's like, see what that experience is gonna

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<v Speaker 1>be like. Already I've gotten so many looks. I'm sure

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<v Speaker 1>I'll get plenty, but that's my experience in Cious Trouble