1
00:00:01,960 --> 00:00:06,040
Speaker 1: The hilltop cottage was somehow even smaller than it looked online,

2
00:00:06,839 --> 00:00:10,960
but it made it feel more charming. Sunlight split generously

3
00:00:11,039 --> 00:00:14,560
through the mismatched windows, catching on the old brass fixtures

4
00:00:14,759 --> 00:00:18,239
and the worn but beautiful woodwork that ran along the

5
00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:22,039
door frames. Or The garden was wild and overgrown in

6
00:00:22,079 --> 00:00:25,839
the best way, full of wild pollinator flowers for bees

7
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,760
and tangled roses, with time creeping into the cracks of

8
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:34,359
the old stone path. It had flows, but the price

9
00:00:34,439 --> 00:00:38,119
had been unbelievably low for what it was. And Mara

10
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:43,679
was over the moon. I love it, she beamed, arms

11
00:00:43,679 --> 00:00:46,920
spread like she was already embracing it. And look at

12
00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,159
that view. It's like a painting. There are so many

13
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:54,520
pretty places to take pictures off from my shop. She

14
00:00:54,679 --> 00:00:59,560
was right. Our view was stunning, fields folded over each

15
00:00:59,600 --> 00:01:03,359
other in soft green swells, a thin river glinting with

16
00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:08,000
seams of silver, while the town itself sat low, as

17
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,760
much of clustered rooftops nestled in the valley, ringed by

18
00:01:11,799 --> 00:01:16,159
more of those sleepy trees. I had told Mara it

19
00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:20,400
was a romantic reset. I used words like digital detocks

20
00:01:20,439 --> 00:01:24,640
and back to basics, which she ate up for what

21
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,519
she didn't know, because I was buried in debt so

22
00:01:27,719 --> 00:01:33,680
deep I couldn't see daylight, cards, loans, sharks that keep lending,

23
00:01:34,079 --> 00:01:36,319
even when I'd nothing left to prove I could pay

24
00:01:36,319 --> 00:01:40,159
them back. I'd better house as a final hope to

25
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:45,280
get it all back, and I'd lost. This cottage was

26
00:01:45,319 --> 00:01:49,079
a cheap scapegoat. I just didn't know how long we

27
00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:53,760
could keep it up. The general store sat squat and low,

28
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:58,159
as if it had grown there. Inside it smelled like

29
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:02,560
old wood and something shay, like vinegar or pickled onions.

30
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,120
Mara was already halfway down to one of the narrow aisles,

31
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:10,120
asking about local trails and making conversation the way she

32
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:13,759
was always good at doing. The man she was talking

33
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:17,039
to was in his late fifties, maybe older, with a

34
00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:19,800
weathered face and hands that looked too big for the

35
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:24,560
delicate register he tapped with one knuckle. When he finally

36
00:02:24,599 --> 00:02:28,240
looked up, he did it slowly and grumpily, in that

37
00:02:28,319 --> 00:02:32,520
way that I assumed came with age. He looked at Mara,

38
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:37,199
then me, and finally tilted his chin towards our new home.

39
00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:43,560
The river wives don't like being seen, he said. His

40
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:48,039
voice was calm, but it felt rehearsed, especially not by

41
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:54,240
young women. Mara paused halfway through, flipping a trail map

42
00:02:54,319 --> 00:03:00,680
over for what the ones by the river? He respond quickly,

43
00:03:01,479 --> 00:03:04,199
you'll know them if you see them. Don't let it

44
00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:07,039
get that far. And if you have to walk past

45
00:03:07,039 --> 00:03:11,719
the river, wear something that doesn't invite trouble. Cover up.

46
00:03:14,479 --> 00:03:18,840
Before we could ask what he meant, another man, a customer, presumably,

47
00:03:19,159 --> 00:03:23,360
spoke from somewhere in the store. He's right, don't greet

48
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:29,639
him in. Do you best to ignore him? Mara turned, frowning,

49
00:03:29,759 --> 00:03:31,719
like she was trying to decide if this was a

50
00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:36,199
joke or some backwards performance art. I watched as she

51
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,759
folded the trail map with careful fingers, her mouth pressed

52
00:03:39,759 --> 00:03:45,039
into a polite, unreadable line. She didn't say anything, but

53
00:03:45,159 --> 00:03:48,719
the silence felt like it had teeth. She gave the

54
00:03:48,759 --> 00:03:52,080
man a short nod and stepped away, the trail map

55
00:03:52,159 --> 00:03:55,919
still clutched in her hand. At the far end of

56
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,039
the counter, a woman looked up from a station behind

57
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:03,560
the battered produce scale, late sixties, maybe, with a pinched

58
00:04:03,639 --> 00:04:06,000
expression that made it hard to tell if she was

59
00:04:06,039 --> 00:04:12,479
squinting at something. She looked at Mara girls dressed like

60
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:16,439
that in the city, I'm sure, she said, sizing Mara up.

61
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,560
But the river's not a place to be soft hearted.

62
00:04:21,519 --> 00:04:24,000
She dropped a handful of apples into a paper bag

63
00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:28,399
and folded the top slowly. Some bits out here take

64
00:04:28,439 --> 00:04:31,759
advantage when you go offering bits of yourself without thinking.

65
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,399
Mara smiled politely, but I could see the muscle working

66
00:04:37,439 --> 00:04:41,040
in a jaw. She wasn't the type to speak to strangers,

67
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:45,720
so she gave a quick of course, and turned to me.

68
00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:50,279
I caught her expression, the kind of look that meant

69
00:04:50,879 --> 00:04:53,920
get me out of here before I say something I'll regret.

70
00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:59,519
Let's go, I said, already moving, still need to get

71
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,399
to the hard shop before it shots. Thank you for

72
00:05:02,439 --> 00:05:08,480
the advice. We stepped out into the sun, and Mara

73
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:14,360
was quiet for exactly three seconds. Bloody hell, she muttered,

74
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,920
cover up because my arms are out. It's twenty one

75
00:05:17,959 --> 00:05:21,120
degrees and I'm wearing a nice sun dress. Sorry for

76
00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:23,439
dressing like it's a warm day and not a funeral.

77
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:28,839
She didn't wait for me to respond, just kept walking.

78
00:05:29,959 --> 00:05:32,920
I get that it's a small town, she said, but

79
00:05:33,079 --> 00:05:36,759
come on, offering bits to yourself. Wear something that doesn't

80
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:41,120
invite trouble. She made air quotes without slowing a pace.

81
00:05:42,199 --> 00:05:45,560
It's all just polite language and know your place. Girl.

82
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,920
Did you notice they didn't say a word to you.

83
00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:55,040
I did notice, I said, and yeah, it's daft. I

84
00:05:55,079 --> 00:05:58,279
glanced back at the shop, then ahead at the worn cobbles,

85
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:02,399
tufts of grass poking through the gaps, and nettles crowding

86
00:06:02,439 --> 00:06:06,120
the edge of the road. These people have known each

87
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:09,480
other forever. They've grown up together and seen each other

88
00:06:09,519 --> 00:06:13,120
through weddings, funerals in the lot. They've probably sat in

89
00:06:13,199 --> 00:06:15,879
the same pub with the same pint and the same

90
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:21,040
complaints into the seventies. I kicked at a loose stone.

91
00:06:21,319 --> 00:06:24,160
We're just new faces to them. It doesn't matter what

92
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:27,519
we say or how reasonable we know we sound. It's

93
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:31,199
just us stepping into their town. That doesn't make what

94
00:06:31,240 --> 00:06:36,879
they said right, just means it's not about us. I

95
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,879
gave her a note with my elbow. You know, you

96
00:06:39,879 --> 00:06:42,040
could always bring a few soaps around to the shop.

97
00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,720
You give them something nice, they might start being nice back.

98
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,240
That got the corner of a mouth to twitch just

99
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:57,360
enough to call it a win. A few days in,

100
00:06:57,879 --> 00:07:01,040
I was still finding my rhythm, but Mara tucked to

101
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,959
the countryside as if she had always belonged in it.

102
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,920
She was already in boots, basket looped over her arm,

103
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,879
pigging wild things from the hedgerow as she knew them

104
00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:15,439
by name. She dried bundles of herbs and twine stretched

105
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:21,639
across the kitchen window, yarrow, mug, wat, lavender, horsetail, always

106
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:26,079
something gently fragrant tucked beneath her ear. She sang when

107
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:30,040
she worked, little hums and wordless melodies that carried through

108
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:32,959
the house like incense and cheered me up. As I

109
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:37,720
worked remotely. Sometimes I'd find love notes folded and slipped

110
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:41,560
under my coffee mug, tiny sketches of flowers or hearts,

111
00:07:41,959 --> 00:07:46,040
which felt great until I remember the real reason we

112
00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:51,360
were here. I started going for early runs most mornings.

113
00:07:51,439 --> 00:07:54,199
I was out the door before Marow was up, lacing

114
00:07:54,240 --> 00:07:57,439
my shoes and the doorstep while the sky was still waking.

115
00:07:58,519 --> 00:08:01,720
It gave me space to think proper. But no matter

116
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,639
how far I went, I always ended up circling back

117
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:11,000
to the same thought I needed to tell her, And

118
00:08:11,319 --> 00:08:14,079
the longer I left it, the worse it would be.

119
00:08:15,839 --> 00:08:19,360
I'd lost our old life to a stupid selfish mistake.

120
00:08:20,279 --> 00:08:25,319
I hadn't just messed up, I properly wrecked things. This cottage,

121
00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:31,240
this so called fresh start, was damage control. And yet

122
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:36,039
she liked it here. She was happy, And part of

123
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,000
me kept wondering if I told her now, would she

124
00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:42,360
be furious enough to leave? Or would she stay? Because

125
00:08:42,879 --> 00:08:47,519
despite everything, something good had come out of the mess.

126
00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,679
I didn't know. I just knew I couldn't keep dodging

127
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:58,320
it forever. One of the first few mornings, I decided

128
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,879
to try a different path. I was still working out

129
00:09:01,879 --> 00:09:04,519
which ones were worth the mud and which ones didn't

130
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,960
leave You stuck two fields from where you meant to be.

131
00:09:08,159 --> 00:09:11,080
This one dipped through a patch of large and followed

132
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,519
the river for a bit. I hadn't been that way before.

133
00:09:15,919 --> 00:09:19,159
It was colder down there, Damp hung heavy in the

134
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:22,639
air and caught in your throat, And in the mornings

135
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,480
there was a fog that thickened the closer you got

136
00:09:25,519 --> 00:09:29,919
to the river's path. I spotted some figures in the fog.

137
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:34,679
There were women standing knee deep in the river, backs

138
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:39,080
turned half lost between the trees and the fog. They

139
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,639
seemed to be barefoot, their dresses hung soaked and heavy

140
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:47,080
clinging to their legs, headscarves, not a tight, not a

141
00:09:47,159 --> 00:09:53,120
strand of hair showing. They moved in silence, slowly and steadily,

142
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:57,879
scrubbing stained fabric against old wooden washboards. One of them

143
00:09:57,919 --> 00:10:01,879
lifted a strip of cloth, wet and head. She twisted

144
00:10:01,879 --> 00:10:07,240
it with both hands, and red water trickled out. Then

145
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:12,159
my foot went out from under me. I went down hard,

146
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:16,080
knee first onto the path. Paine shot at my legs,

147
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:20,279
sharp enough to make me swear out loud. My palms followed,

148
00:10:20,559 --> 00:10:25,600
scraping against the grit and shaving away my skin. I

149
00:10:25,679 --> 00:10:30,120
stayed down for a second, catching my breath. When I looked,

150
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,639
blood was already starting to soak through the fabric of

151
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:39,039
my joggers. When I limped back into the kitchen, Mara

152
00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,559
was already at the counter, hanging another row of drying

153
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:47,159
bundles in the window while she made breakfast. She turned,

154
00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:51,360
took one look of my leg, then my top, and frowned,

155
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:56,720
What the hell happened to you, river path, I said,

156
00:10:57,519 --> 00:11:03,480
slipped the blooded streaks down my trousers, the stubborn stains

157
00:11:03,519 --> 00:11:08,200
spreading beneath the fabric. She touched to him gently, then

158
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:12,360
looked at me for a moment. Lucky you, she said,

159
00:11:12,919 --> 00:11:15,840
I made a new bar yesterday. It's good for blood.

160
00:11:16,159 --> 00:11:19,919
Could pull that out nicely. She moved to the shelf

161
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:22,320
and peeled back the linen from the stack of pale

162
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:26,600
gray soap bars, all the same size and shape, more

163
00:11:26,639 --> 00:11:31,480
than she usually made in one go. I frowned, you

164
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:35,960
planning a bulk sale I didn't know about. She didn't answer,

165
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:40,559
too preoccupied with insuring her food didn't burn. She passed

166
00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:44,320
it to me like she hadn't heard the question. Use

167
00:11:44,440 --> 00:11:49,039
cold water first, she said. Always cold heat sets it in,

168
00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:52,240
then scrub it out with this, work it into it,

169
00:11:52,559 --> 00:11:56,039
let it sit a bit. She didn't offer to do

170
00:11:56,120 --> 00:11:59,799
it for me, which was strange for her. Was it

171
00:11:59,799 --> 00:12:03,120
the path by the bend, she asked, almost off handedly,

172
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:09,559
where the fog rolls in. I nodded, she didn't look up.

173
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:13,639
That's where the best wild arrow grows, loads of it,

174
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,240
just before the river curves back inland. Some of it's

175
00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:20,080
already gone to seed, but I've still been able to

176
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:24,159
find the good stuff. She stirred the part on the stove,

177
00:12:24,639 --> 00:12:29,399
her wrist moving slowly and steadily. It's quiet out there,

178
00:12:29,919 --> 00:12:33,919
she said, I know what you're going to say, yes,

179
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,759
I saw the river wives, as they call them. Don't worry,

180
00:12:38,279 --> 00:12:42,039
she scoffed. I didn't bother them. But I still think

181
00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:44,879
it's mad that a town like this let disordest women

182
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,440
stand out in the col don't laundry like it's eighteen

183
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:52,799
twenty bloody backwards, if you ask me. There was a

184
00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:57,639
long pause as I record my encounter this morning. Heah,

185
00:12:57,799 --> 00:13:02,000
you're right, I said, but it's not our place. Do

186
00:13:02,080 --> 00:13:03,840
you really need to go all the way out there

187
00:13:03,879 --> 00:13:06,000
for yarrow? I can pick it up for you on

188
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:11,600
my runs if you want, She turned slowly. I like

189
00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:15,320
it here, she said, I love it, actually, But I'm

190
00:13:15,399 --> 00:13:18,720
not stupid. You've seen how they talk to me like

191
00:13:18,759 --> 00:13:22,559
I'm a child or a house care She set the

192
00:13:22,559 --> 00:13:25,440
spoon down a bit harder than she probably meant to.

193
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:29,000
I won't play small just because it makes this place

194
00:13:29,080 --> 00:13:32,919
more comfortable. I like my walks. I like finding things

195
00:13:32,919 --> 00:13:35,840
with my own two hands. I don't need someone fetching

196
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,720
yarrow for me, like I'm some little wifey who's save

197
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:43,080
us staying inside? All right, all right, I said, gently,

198
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:49,080
I get it. I'm sorry, she sighed, pinching the breech

199
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:52,240
of her nose. Sorry, that was an aim at you,

200
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:57,480
just all of it. This place is so beautiful until

201
00:13:57,519 --> 00:14:02,559
people start speaking that way. I stepped forward and rested

202
00:14:02,559 --> 00:14:06,039
her hand lightly on her back. She didn't pull away.

203
00:14:07,399 --> 00:14:11,240
You're right, I said quietly. You shouldn't have to shrink,

204
00:14:11,639 --> 00:14:16,320
not for any one. She looked at me, and something

205
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:21,480
softened behind her eyes. Her shoulders dropped a little. We

206
00:14:21,559 --> 00:14:25,240
moved here to grow, and instead I'm supposed to fold

207
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:30,679
up smaller. You won't, I said, not with me. Not ever.

208
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:36,240
She leaned into my chest with a soft, exhausted sigh,

209
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,559
and I wrapped my arms around her, careful of the herbs,

210
00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:43,480
still tired at her hip. I like that, you worry,

211
00:14:44,039 --> 00:14:49,799
she murmured. Just don't make it delicate. I'm not I know,

212
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:55,840
I said, You're a bloody force. There got a quiet laugh.

213
00:14:56,919 --> 00:14:59,639
She pressed the forehead into my shoulder and let it

214
00:14:59,679 --> 00:15:03,679
sit there for a few seconds longer. Then she pulled

215
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:08,080
away and gave my leg a glance. You'd better get scrubbing,

216
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,840
by the way, if you let that set, I'm not

217
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:17,039
making a second batch, noted, I said, cold water, firm scrubbing.

218
00:15:17,279 --> 00:15:22,000
Let it sit, got it? She gave me a mock

219
00:15:22,039 --> 00:15:27,600
stern nod and went back to her part. I waited

220
00:15:27,639 --> 00:15:31,200
a few days before running again. My knee still twined

221
00:15:31,240 --> 00:15:34,039
when I bent it too far, but I told myself

222
00:15:34,120 --> 00:15:38,679
the ache was good. It meant I was healing. It

223
00:15:38,799 --> 00:15:42,200
was early again, and the fog thickened as I got closer,

224
00:15:42,679 --> 00:15:47,399
just like last time. This time, however, I was determined

225
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:52,399
to see what was past the river, and as I'd expected,

226
00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:57,840
they were there again, the same women in soaked dresses,

227
00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:02,480
dragging the soaking clothes against the washboard. For this time,

228
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,639
one of them turned slightly, like she'd heard me coming.

229
00:16:07,039 --> 00:16:10,559
Her face stayed hidden, just enough that the scarf blocked

230
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:15,440
everything but the curve of a jaw. Would you be kind,

231
00:16:16,159 --> 00:16:19,679
she spoke, and give this one a twist. These old

232
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:24,039
hands aren't what they used to be. She held up

233
00:16:24,039 --> 00:16:28,600
a sodden sheet. It was dark and dripping. She turned

234
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:32,279
it slightly in her hands. It hung the limp and lifeless,

235
00:16:32,879 --> 00:16:38,000
the water sliding off in long, reluctant ropes. There was

236
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,440
something in the way, she asked, though I couldn't put

237
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:46,519
my finger on it, so I stopped. The fog pressed

238
00:16:46,559 --> 00:16:49,960
against my back. The only sound was the slow trag

239
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:53,519
of fabric and the slap of water on stone. The

240
00:16:53,559 --> 00:16:58,480
bird song had long disappeared. My fingers twitched like they

241
00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:02,279
might move on their own, and I shuffled my feet forward.

242
00:17:02,799 --> 00:17:06,920
But then I noticed her arms. They were pale and bloated,

243
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:11,799
way past the usual prune from water. Then I noticed

244
00:17:11,799 --> 00:17:14,160
the folds of the dress near her wrists were torn

245
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:18,000
in places like the fabric had been picked at, and

246
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:22,920
the sheet it wasn't clean, the water sliding off it

247
00:17:23,039 --> 00:17:27,440
was thick and red, too heavy looking to just be mud.

248
00:17:28,039 --> 00:17:32,200
Come on, love, she said, again, voice softer this time.

249
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,960
You've got young arms. I've had awful joint pain lately,

250
00:17:37,279 --> 00:17:40,599
and a terrible bit of rheumatism in the elbows. It

251
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:45,799
just needs a twist. She gave the sheet a small,

252
00:17:46,039 --> 00:17:50,720
hopeful jiggle, like that would draw me closer. She still

253
00:17:50,759 --> 00:17:53,519
didn't look at me, which bothered me more than I

254
00:17:53,599 --> 00:17:58,000
wanted to admit. I don't know why, but it made

255
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:02,519
my skin crawl. There was something unnatural about someone asking

256
00:18:02,599 --> 00:18:07,400
you for help without ever meeting your eyes. My wrists

257
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:11,160
have been locking up something terrible, she added, as if

258
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,480
it hurt just to say. All this damp in the

259
00:18:14,519 --> 00:18:18,400
air worse than it used to be. You'd be doing

260
00:18:18,480 --> 00:18:24,960
me a kindness. The other women didn't react. They continued

261
00:18:25,039 --> 00:18:28,759
dragging their fabrics against the washboard like I wasn't even there.

262
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:34,440
The words from the general store came crawling back. Ey's low,

263
00:18:34,839 --> 00:18:39,359
don't greet them, don't offer anything. I thought it was

264
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,200
cruel the first time, rude for the sake of it,

265
00:18:43,559 --> 00:18:46,799
But at that moment I felt like advice was passed

266
00:18:46,799 --> 00:18:53,680
on with caution. Still I hesitated, because what if she

267
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,559
really was just some old woman in the cold water,

268
00:18:57,079 --> 00:19:00,359
soaked to the skin, wrists giving out from year of

269
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,799
doing this exact motion. What if I was being the

270
00:19:03,839 --> 00:19:07,400
bad guy here, watching her struggle and walking away like

271
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:14,200
it could cost me something. Um, I began, Oh, sort it.

272
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:20,400
Then she snapped at my voice, suit yourself. The shift

273
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,279
in the tone shocked me. It wasn't the sort of

274
00:19:23,359 --> 00:19:27,119
hurt you'd expect from being turned down. It was snappy

275
00:19:27,160 --> 00:19:30,640
and impatient, like she dropped something and blamed me for

276
00:19:30,759 --> 00:19:34,359
not catching it. Not even a moment for an old

277
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:38,279
woman with bad arms. She hissed more to the river

278
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:42,160
than me. What a thing to watch someone struggle and

279
00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:45,559
turn your back on them must be nice being young

280
00:19:45,599 --> 00:19:51,119
and quick. Men are so bloody selfish. I clenched my jaw.

281
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:56,440
He flared across my face from embarrassment. A few days ago,

282
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,640
Mara had practically bitten my head off for offering to help.

283
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:03,000
Now some old hag in a river made me feel

284
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,519
like the villain for not pitching in. I didn't know

285
00:20:06,599 --> 00:20:10,839
what the hell women wanted any more. I decided to

286
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,880
stay silent and let the fog have the last word.

287
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,559
I turned back to the path and let my feet

288
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:23,160
do what they came here to do. Move. My breathing

289
00:20:23,319 --> 00:20:26,480
evened out as I picked up my speed. The rest

290
00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:29,240
of the trail cut through thickets and a small patch

291
00:20:29,240 --> 00:20:32,839
of pine. The cold stuck to my skin, and the

292
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:37,680
sound of the river grew faint behind me, and I

293
00:20:37,759 --> 00:20:42,440
let it fade. By the time I got home, the

294
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:46,720
sun had risen properly, the mist was already pulling back

295
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:53,119
like it hadn't touched anything, but something had. I felt off,

296
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,599
like the run had taken something out of me. My

297
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,839
legs ached, my fingers felt stiff, and there was a

298
00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:02,359
rob in the back of my head that hadn't been

299
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:06,000
there when I left. I skipped to breakfast took a

300
00:21:06,039 --> 00:21:10,880
shower so hot it should have scolded. Still, he barely

301
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:15,119
did anything. By late afternoon, I was curled up on

302
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:21,000
the sofa under a blanket, useless. Mara came in from

303
00:21:21,000 --> 00:21:23,519
the garden with dirt on her knees and a fresh

304
00:21:23,559 --> 00:21:27,319
bundle of herbs in one hand. That's me sorted for

305
00:21:27,359 --> 00:21:31,200
a few months. She was slightly wet from getting caught

306
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:35,519
in sudden rain. She glanced at me, taking in my

307
00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:38,799
pale face, then back at the kettle near the fire.

308
00:21:40,319 --> 00:21:45,680
You're not running tomorrow. I wasn't planning to, I said.

309
00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:49,119
My voice came out hoarse, like I'd been shouting when

310
00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:52,640
I hadn't said much of anything. You look like a

311
00:21:52,799 --> 00:21:56,400
washed out sock, she said, crouching to soak the fire

312
00:21:56,440 --> 00:22:01,000
back to life. Then a man flew something like that.

313
00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:06,039
She didn't press, and set the kettle above the fire

314
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:10,240
more carefully than usual, and sat beside me, still smelling

315
00:22:10,279 --> 00:22:14,480
like rosemary and wet grass. Maybe your body's trying to

316
00:22:14,519 --> 00:22:18,640
tell you something, she said quietly. They keep pushing into

317
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:23,319
places that you don't want to. I didn't answer. I

318
00:22:23,359 --> 00:22:27,720
didn't know how to. Really, she didn't know it, but

319
00:22:27,759 --> 00:22:31,279
she was spot on. She passed me a cup of tea.

320
00:22:31,359 --> 00:22:36,400
She hadn't asked if I wanted strong, slightly bitter, the

321
00:22:36,519 --> 00:22:40,599
kind she made when I was sick. You're resting tomorrow,

322
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:46,680
she asked again, gently this time yeah, I said, I'm

323
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:52,000
staying in. We can have a lie together. She smiled,

324
00:22:52,119 --> 00:22:58,160
but kept a distance. Absolutely not, she said, I make soaps,

325
00:22:58,279 --> 00:23:01,240
not cures. The last thing I need is catching whatever

326
00:23:01,279 --> 00:23:05,720
this is and sneezing over my stock. I gave a

327
00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:10,960
weak laugh, half into the tea. Wow, no bedside manner,

328
00:23:12,759 --> 00:23:17,160
she grinned. Not in the job description. You want sympathy,

329
00:23:17,559 --> 00:23:20,720
you'll have to bribe me with biscuits. Then you'll get

330
00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:28,200
some tea and toast in bed if you're lucky. The

331
00:23:28,279 --> 00:23:31,480
next morning, the sun woke me up before I was ready.

332
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:35,839
It poured through the thin curtains and strips warm across

333
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:40,880
my face. Nice, actually one of those rare moments where

334
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:45,240
the light feels soft instead of sharp. I still felt awful,

335
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:49,119
and became clear that I sweated through the night. Despite

336
00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:51,839
the fact that the sun's warmth and quiet made me

337
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,960
feel like I could have maybe stayed like that for

338
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:58,839
a while. I reached over, expecting to feel the softness

339
00:23:58,839 --> 00:24:03,640
of mars skin, but the bed was empty. The covers

340
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:07,440
and Morra's side were flat and cold. I blanked up

341
00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:11,440
at the ceiling, confused for a second. I had been

342
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,160
looking forward to tea and toast in bed, like she

343
00:24:14,279 --> 00:24:17,960
usually did when I had the man flu. I listened

344
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:21,279
for her. The house had thin walls. You could hear

345
00:24:21,400 --> 00:24:27,799
everything in it, but there was nothing, just quiet. I

346
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:32,279
sat up slowly. My head swam with that awful cotton

347
00:24:32,279 --> 00:24:36,039
wool in your skull kind of dizzy. Everything felt a

348
00:24:36,039 --> 00:24:40,359
bit too bright, a bit too sharp. My legs were

349
00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:44,200
heavy with fatigue, but I swung out of bed anyway,

350
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:49,200
feet hitting the cold tile on the floor. I made

351
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:53,680
my way around the house, noticing nothing unusual until I

352
00:24:53,759 --> 00:24:58,480
saw that her boots were missing. She wouldn't have gone far,

353
00:24:59,319 --> 00:25:01,920
or at least that's what I told myself at first.

354
00:25:03,079 --> 00:25:07,119
But something didn't sit right. Mara had already gathered all

355
00:25:07,119 --> 00:25:11,599
the herbs she needed, she'd said, so everything was drying

356
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,440
nicely on the twine above the sink, and the rest

357
00:25:14,480 --> 00:25:17,519
of her supplies were tugged away in their usual spots.

358
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:20,799
I looked up at the shelf where she kept her

359
00:25:20,799 --> 00:25:24,240
finished soaps. The top row was still lined with the

360
00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:30,119
usuals lavender, oat, rosemary, but the pale gray bar she

361
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:35,839
had me use the other day We're gone. I moved closer, squinting.

362
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:40,119
Maybe theyde me move to the market box. My brain

363
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:45,200
felt fogged over, like thinking through clingfilm. I touched the shelf,

364
00:25:45,359 --> 00:25:53,079
ready to steady myself. Nothing, not a single bar left.

365
00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,559
I opened the bin on instinct. Half buried unto yesterday's

366
00:25:57,599 --> 00:26:01,640
peelings was the linen wrap she used for packaging, the

367
00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,559
same dotted one she'd used when she first showed me

368
00:26:04,599 --> 00:26:08,480
the batch. She had folded once, then crumpled like someone

369
00:26:08,519 --> 00:26:13,319
had changed their mind at the last second. I knew

370
00:26:13,319 --> 00:26:17,759
where she'd gone, even before I admitted it. I knew.

371
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,480
I turned and grabbed the nearest pair of shoes, my

372
00:26:22,559 --> 00:26:25,480
head spinning as I bent down, but I shoved them

373
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:29,599
on anyway. The air outside was sharp but warm from

374
00:26:29,599 --> 00:26:33,200
the rising sun. That same low mist was back again,

375
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:37,279
thicker near the fields, sticking to my throat with every breath.

376
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:40,920
My legs protested the second I pushed into a run,

377
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:47,559
cold muscles left over fever. I felt wrong, but still

378
00:26:48,079 --> 00:26:52,559
I ran. The trail was soft from last night's rain.

379
00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:57,240
I kept slipping, catching myself just before I went fully down.

380
00:26:58,279 --> 00:27:01,880
My breathing turned quick and right, get too soon. I

381
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:05,119
followed the curve on the path, past the hedgerow, past

382
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:08,839
the spot I fell before, and then I saw a

383
00:27:08,880 --> 00:27:12,599
bootprints in the mud leading down to the water's edge.

384
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:20,559
I picked up speed, and there she was. Mara stood

385
00:27:20,559 --> 00:27:25,039
at the bank, boots muddy, sleeves pushed up. She had

386
00:27:25,039 --> 00:27:28,079
both hands out in front of her, offering the soap

387
00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:32,079
to the river wives. The woman closest to her lifted

388
00:27:32,079 --> 00:27:37,559
her head and I saw her. Her face was puffed

389
00:27:37,599 --> 00:27:40,759
out in places and sunken in others, like it had

390
00:27:40,799 --> 00:27:43,440
been soaking too long in the wrong kind of water.

391
00:27:44,759 --> 00:27:49,240
Her bloated corpse came to mind. Her skin had that gray,

392
00:27:49,359 --> 00:27:52,400
puffy look like you'd seen pictures you wish you hadn't

393
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:56,319
clicked on. Her lips were pulled thin, but puffed at

394
00:27:56,319 --> 00:28:00,480
the edges, like they were losing their shape. I opened

395
00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:04,839
my mouth to call out, but instead my stomach turned.

396
00:28:05,759 --> 00:28:08,599
The run, the fever, and the sight of the woman

397
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:12,400
all hit me at once. The taste of last night's

398
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:15,400
food climbed back up my throat, and I barely had

399
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:18,240
time to lurch to the side before it came up.

400
00:28:19,240 --> 00:28:23,319
I doubled over, wretching, hard, hands braced to my knees,

401
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:27,920
bitter half digested vomit, hid the mud with a wet slap.

402
00:28:29,079 --> 00:28:33,119
My eyes watered. The noise, the stench, and the sting

403
00:28:33,160 --> 00:28:35,920
in my nose all grounded me and made it worse.

404
00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:39,119
I wiped my mouth with the back of my dressing

405
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:44,720
gown sleeve, heart still hammering, chest heaving, and Mara had

406
00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:47,559
turned towards me with a concerned look on her face.

407
00:28:50,279 --> 00:28:55,359
She didn't have time to say anything. The river wives

408
00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:59,079
moved faster than they had any right to. One of

409
00:28:59,119 --> 00:29:02,240
them searched from the water in a wet heave, cloth

410
00:29:02,359 --> 00:29:07,920
slapping against stone. Mara turned too late, her hands fumbled, soap,

411
00:29:08,000 --> 00:29:11,599
slipping from her palms and hitting the rocks. Another one

412
00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:16,559
rose behind her, then another and another. They surrounded her,

413
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:22,200
water logged limbs coiling around her legs, wasisting arms. One

414
00:29:22,200 --> 00:29:25,799
pressed the palm flat against her chest, Her boots lost grip,

415
00:29:25,839 --> 00:29:29,920
and her knees gave. They began to drag their washboards

416
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:33,759
across her back, over her arms, over a scalp, like

417
00:29:33,799 --> 00:29:37,960
they were trying to strip a clean They worked fast.

418
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:42,000
Her clothes came apart of the seams. Threads poured like

419
00:29:42,079 --> 00:29:47,200
worms from the stitching. Her skin went with it, peeled

420
00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:51,759
back in patches, red, bloomy, and then vanishing under the froth.

421
00:29:53,039 --> 00:29:55,400
One of them worked at her wrist until the joint

422
00:29:55,440 --> 00:30:00,440
gave a little pop, then twisted another open their mouth

423
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:03,640
wide and bit down on Mara's shoulder like it was bread.

424
00:30:04,839 --> 00:30:10,799
The flesh gave. Mara's mouth opened, but no sound came.

425
00:30:12,839 --> 00:30:17,119
I forced myself upright, stumbling forward. My legs didn't want

426
00:30:17,119 --> 00:30:21,480
to cooperate. Mara reached out in a last weak attempt

427
00:30:21,519 --> 00:30:25,440
to push away, to reach for me, but then her

428
00:30:25,480 --> 00:30:29,079
head went under. Her hair was the last thing I

429
00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:32,519
saw of her, fanned out on the surface like ink

430
00:30:32,599 --> 00:30:37,759
in water. I finally made myself step forward, and one

431
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:42,640
foot sank into the bank, but I didn't go any further.

432
00:30:44,079 --> 00:30:50,279
I couldn't. I was outnumbered. There were too many of them,

433
00:30:51,119 --> 00:30:54,359
and whenever they were, they weren't just old bats with

434
00:30:54,480 --> 00:31:00,599
bad joints. I threw up again, barely staying upright, still shaking.

435
00:31:01,680 --> 00:31:03,759
I could taste it all in my mouth, and the

436
00:31:03,799 --> 00:31:06,640
feel of last night sweat still clinging to my neck

437
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:11,319
one of them turned slightly in my direction, just enough

438
00:31:11,359 --> 00:31:14,640
to let me know she clocked me, and I stumbled

439
00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:19,680
back weakly, shoes skidding in the mud. My heel caught

440
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:23,160
a root and I went down hard, hands scraping against

441
00:31:23,160 --> 00:31:26,519
the cold, muddied stone as I scurried back on my feet,

442
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:31,680
losing a shoe to the river, and I ran faster

443
00:31:32,000 --> 00:31:36,799
than I had ever run before. I didn't stop until

444
00:31:36,839 --> 00:31:40,079
I hit the edge of the village. My lungs were burning,

445
00:31:40,359 --> 00:31:44,400
my chest felt too small, one foot was raw, my

446
00:31:44,519 --> 00:31:47,640
sock soaked through, and mud clinging to the back of

447
00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:52,799
my legs like tar. I stumbled into the center, wheezing,

448
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:58,279
hunched ies, scanning for anyone. The first person I saw

449
00:31:58,799 --> 00:32:04,119
was the woman from the sharp She didn't flinch. You're

450
00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:08,640
a state, she said instead, eyes flicking to my missing shoe,

451
00:32:09,079 --> 00:32:12,799
then the blood and the dirt down my arm. You

452
00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:18,119
went down there, didn't you. I opened my mouth to speak,

453
00:32:18,839 --> 00:32:22,559
but the words weren't ready. My throat closed around them.

454
00:32:23,799 --> 00:32:27,319
Behind her, another man leaned out from the post office steps.

455
00:32:28,319 --> 00:32:31,079
He took one look at me, then shook his head

456
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:35,720
like he's seen all he'd needed. You were worn, son,

457
00:32:36,319 --> 00:32:39,839
Better not bring that hassel into town. Either leave or

458
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:45,119
go back and finish what you've started. I shook my head,

459
00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:51,799
still breathless, voice barely there. I need the police, I

460
00:32:51,920 --> 00:32:58,880
need someone to The woman scoffed, actually scoffed, Oh love,

461
00:32:59,519 --> 00:33:03,200
No one's calling anyone. What would they even do? Fill

462
00:33:03,240 --> 00:33:07,200
out a form and lose it. I looked up at her.

463
00:33:07,839 --> 00:33:11,160
Mud streaked at my legs, acid in my throat, one

464
00:33:11,240 --> 00:33:15,279
shoe gone to the river. I must have looked half mad.

465
00:33:16,839 --> 00:33:21,319
She's gone, I said. It came out dry and it stung.

466
00:33:22,680 --> 00:33:27,440
They took her. The woman from the shop just shook

467
00:33:27,440 --> 00:33:33,880
her head. Then it's done. She looked me over again.

468
00:33:34,559 --> 00:33:38,119
But there was no pity in it. They're not coming

469
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:42,680
for you, she said. Whatever happened out there, it was

470
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:46,680
between her and them. They don't take much interest in men.

471
00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:51,720
She nodded at my state like that explained it all.

472
00:33:52,839 --> 00:33:56,680
You're not. There's the bother unless you give them a reason.

473
00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:02,960
She paused moment, as if deciding whether to waste the time,

474
00:34:03,079 --> 00:34:06,680
saying the rest. Then she nodded toward the village green.

475
00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:11,079
You can waste your morning reporting it. The police will

476
00:34:11,119 --> 00:34:14,119
be down there. Poke around with a note box and

477
00:34:14,199 --> 00:34:17,280
by the time they do, they won't find a thing.

478
00:34:18,559 --> 00:34:24,119
They never do. She shifted a weight and tucked her

479
00:34:24,159 --> 00:34:29,400
hands into a cardigan's sleeves. Or you can come inside,

480
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:32,639
sit down and have a cup of tea. Let it

481
00:34:32,760 --> 00:34:35,840
settle a bit, figure out what you want to do next.

482
00:34:36,440 --> 00:34:43,199
If anything, I couldn't answer. The clouds had closed in

483
00:34:43,599 --> 00:34:49,480
and rain had started again, that fine, soaking kind. She

484
00:34:49,559 --> 00:34:53,960
gave me a look that wasn't quite sympathy, just something like,

485
00:34:55,000 --> 00:35:04,440
well pick. The weeks that followed were slow and quiet

486
00:35:04,679 --> 00:35:08,480
in the worst kind of way. The shop lady was right.

487
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:12,719
The police didn't find anything. They looked at me like

488
00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:16,039
they knew what was happening, like an adult checking under

489
00:35:16,079 --> 00:35:19,880
a child's bed for monsters. They asked me to walk

490
00:35:19,920 --> 00:35:24,079
them through it, so I did. The whole thing sounded

491
00:35:24,119 --> 00:35:27,519
like a story. One of them nodded like he was listening,

492
00:35:28,119 --> 00:35:30,800
but I could tell he wasn't hearing a word and

493
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:34,920
just filling in boxes in his head. They stepped down

494
00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:38,480
to the river eventually, boots careful on the edge, like

495
00:35:38,559 --> 00:35:42,199
they didn't want to get dirty. One of them crouched

496
00:35:42,199 --> 00:35:44,480
and stared at the water for a while, like he

497
00:35:44,599 --> 00:35:48,559
might offer something up if he looked long enough. The

498
00:35:48,639 --> 00:35:51,800
other paced around with a stick, prodding at the reeds,

499
00:35:52,119 --> 00:35:54,800
like he would find her folded neatly in the mud,

500
00:35:55,440 --> 00:36:00,239
just waiting to be uncovered. They didn't find any thing.

501
00:36:01,280 --> 00:36:04,400
They knew they wouldn't. I could see it in the

502
00:36:04,400 --> 00:36:10,199
way they moved, slow and half hearted. In the end,

503
00:36:10,599 --> 00:36:13,159
they gave me a number to call and said someone

504
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:16,440
might be in touch if anything came up, though it

505
00:36:16,519 --> 00:36:23,280
probably wouldn't. I didn't leave the town. I couldn't. Every

506
00:36:23,400 --> 00:36:26,679
room still had her in it despite our short time here.

507
00:36:27,519 --> 00:36:30,360
Her handwriting on labels, her coat on the back of

508
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:33,719
the door, A stupid mug with a chip in the handle,

509
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:39,239
she always said, gave it character. Some mornings I'd wake

510
00:36:39,320 --> 00:36:43,440
up forgetting turning to her side of the bed, expecting

511
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:46,480
her weight and warmth, only to be met with a

512
00:36:46,519 --> 00:36:54,280
flat sheet in silence. And that's all it took. The

513
00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:57,800
silence would drag me back to that day, straight to

514
00:36:57,840 --> 00:37:02,280
the mud her final moments, and she reached out, my

515
00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:04,960
chest would lock up like someone had stuck their hand

516
00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:10,440
inside and squeezed tight, and my hands would shake. Breathing

517
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:14,360
would come out wrong, sharp and fast, like I was choking.

518
00:37:16,039 --> 00:37:18,880
Sometimes I'd curl up and try to ride it out.

519
00:37:19,639 --> 00:37:22,239
Other times I'd sit up and press my palms to

520
00:37:22,280 --> 00:37:24,760
my knees, like they might pin me to the moment

521
00:37:25,079 --> 00:37:30,760
and anchor me down until the wave passed. It always passed,

522
00:37:31,519 --> 00:37:36,400
but it took its time. Some days I thought I

523
00:37:36,440 --> 00:37:39,280
should burn the whole house down with myself in it,

524
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:45,800
but I didn't. The people in town started treating me differently,

525
00:37:45,880 --> 00:37:49,639
with noods and cups of tea. The townspeople stopped to

526
00:37:49,719 --> 00:37:53,280
ask how I was holding up. They didn't say sorry,

527
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:56,840
not outright, but it was there, and the way they

528
00:37:56,880 --> 00:38:01,880
helped me. The shop woman held even started saving me

529
00:38:01,960 --> 00:38:05,280
the good milk without asking. One of the older men

530
00:38:05,320 --> 00:38:08,599
gave me a spare radio in case the silence ever

531
00:38:08,639 --> 00:38:13,800
gets too loud. You're one of us, now, Hilda said,

532
00:38:14,159 --> 00:38:18,400
handing me a paper bag of apples without charging. Everyone

533
00:38:18,519 --> 00:38:26,159
loses someone eventually in one way or another. So I stayed,

534
00:38:27,239 --> 00:38:30,280
partly because I had nowhere else to go, and partly

535
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:34,280
because of my debt. Even if I could the thought

536
00:38:34,360 --> 00:38:37,119
of packing up and moving on somewhere else without her

537
00:38:37,559 --> 00:38:41,679
made me feel sick. I kept Mara's little shop going

538
00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,679
under a name changed the labels on a soap to

539
00:38:45,199 --> 00:38:49,800
Mara's blend and started selling them at the market. They

540
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:54,000
did well. I messed up a few batches, some trial

541
00:38:54,039 --> 00:38:58,199
and error, but before I knew it, they started to

542
00:38:58,239 --> 00:39:02,440
smell like hers. It was maybe a month when I

543
00:39:02,519 --> 00:39:06,559
realized I was out of Yarrow. I'd use the last

544
00:39:06,599 --> 00:39:10,119
bit of it on the latest batch. He didn't feel

545
00:39:10,199 --> 00:39:13,760
right to stop making one of her best sellers. I

546
00:39:13,800 --> 00:39:16,880
thought about asking someone to fetch some for me, but

547
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:23,119
that felt like cheating, so I waited. A few days

548
00:39:23,199 --> 00:39:26,880
turned into a week. I kept putting it off, and

549
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:31,280
even tried looking for it in different areas. At one point,

550
00:39:31,519 --> 00:39:34,920
I told myself the blend didn't need Yarrow, but I

551
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:37,840
knew I was wrong. Every time I ran my thumb

552
00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:41,760
over the label. Mara would have been furious at me

553
00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:46,480
for half passing something under her name. The thought stuck

554
00:39:46,719 --> 00:39:50,360
and grew teeth. I kept seeing her hands, the way

555
00:39:50,440 --> 00:39:53,360
she held the bars when they were still curing, her

556
00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:57,960
thumb running along the edge. She'd never half finished anything,

557
00:39:58,599 --> 00:40:04,199
not even breakfast, And there I was, letting fear decide

558
00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:07,920
what got made and what didn't, letting it whisper that

559
00:40:08,039 --> 00:40:12,320
maybe it wasn't worth finishing. Maybe I was safe and

560
00:40:12,360 --> 00:40:17,000
not to Mara would have seen through that. In two seconds,

561
00:40:17,679 --> 00:40:21,360
she'd have thrown something at me, probably a damp tea towel,

562
00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:24,239
and she'd have followed it up with that sharp look

563
00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:30,760
she had, the one that said pull yourself together, and

564
00:40:30,840 --> 00:40:34,800
she'd have been right. All I did was give the

565
00:40:34,880 --> 00:40:39,079
anger space to grow. It started low in my chest

566
00:40:39,159 --> 00:40:42,480
and curled around the edges of everything, as if fested,

567
00:40:42,559 --> 00:40:45,599
into the corners of the cottage, and on to her

568
00:40:45,719 --> 00:40:52,159
side of the bed. Eventually it boiled up into an idea,

569
00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:57,559
one I couldn't shake away no matter what I tried.

570
00:41:01,719 --> 00:41:05,119
That evening, the local pub was lively and dimly lit.

571
00:41:06,079 --> 00:41:08,760
A few of the regulars scattered across the low tables,

572
00:41:09,159 --> 00:41:13,519
shouting across to each other, cracking jokes. The fire was

573
00:41:13,599 --> 00:41:17,360
more glow than flame by now mostly embers tucked into

574
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:20,559
the grate, flickering just enough to keep the cold off

575
00:41:20,599 --> 00:41:24,760
the walls. George, the gent who gave me the radio,

576
00:41:24,920 --> 00:41:27,960
sat near the back half watching darts on the telly.

577
00:41:29,239 --> 00:41:32,239
I took the stool next to him, no fuss, and

578
00:41:32,400 --> 00:41:37,400
didn't bother with a pint. You still got that shotgun,

579
00:41:37,960 --> 00:41:42,960
I asked, bloody hell, he said, after a pause. You

580
00:41:43,039 --> 00:41:48,360
don't start with hello anymore. Didn't feel like chatting clearly,

581
00:41:49,440 --> 00:41:52,880
He glanced at me suspiciously, like you already knew why

582
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:59,400
I was there. What for foxes? I said, been getting

583
00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:02,000
into the garden, and they've stuck up half the beds,

584
00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:05,760
most of Mara's corner, chewed through all her hard work.

585
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:11,039
That made him pause, and he set his pint down

586
00:42:11,159 --> 00:42:17,320
onto the sticky table. Sombly. Blerdy hell, he muttered that

587
00:42:17,440 --> 00:42:23,159
patch always looked proper, never thought foxes would go after herbs.

588
00:42:23,920 --> 00:42:27,079
He went quiet at that rouse, drawing in a touch,

589
00:42:27,559 --> 00:42:30,679
the lines around his eyes settling deeper, as if he

590
00:42:30,719 --> 00:42:33,280
were figuring out whether that was the truth or not.

591
00:42:35,159 --> 00:42:38,480
Been hearing that from folks too, he said, after a beat.

592
00:42:39,239 --> 00:42:43,519
Not just foxes, badgers and rabbits too, all of them

593
00:42:43,559 --> 00:42:47,400
turning up where they shouldn't be. They're bold, like they've

594
00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:51,480
forgot how to be wild. Don't bolt anymore, Just stand

595
00:42:51,519 --> 00:42:56,039
and watch you like they're taunting you. I nodded once.

596
00:42:57,280 --> 00:43:03,239
That's what they've been doing. He studied me again. You're

597
00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:09,800
planning to shoot anything, only if I have to. He

598
00:43:09,920 --> 00:43:12,960
let that sit between us for a second, then gave

599
00:43:13,039 --> 00:43:16,480
a small nod. I'll get it to you in the morning,

600
00:43:17,039 --> 00:43:20,800
he said, one day. Only barrel pulls a bit left

601
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:23,440
if you're not paying attention, and it kicks like it's

602
00:43:23,440 --> 00:43:26,559
got something to prove, So don't try and be clever.

603
00:43:28,360 --> 00:43:34,920
I won't. Once I had the gun, I set out early.

604
00:43:35,960 --> 00:43:38,719
The sky was gray and the path was soft with

605
00:43:38,840 --> 00:43:42,840
last night's rain. The shotgun was wrapped in oil cloth

606
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:46,400
and strapped across my back. I could feel it with

607
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:53,559
every step foxes, I said, pests. George must have known

608
00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:58,320
he'd handed me the gun like he understood. He said nothing,

609
00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:01,440
but gave me a small nod, the kind that said

610
00:44:02,440 --> 00:44:05,199
do whatever you got a doo, mate, but don't come

611
00:44:05,239 --> 00:44:11,119
crying after The fog was thicker, this time, proper thick.

612
00:44:12,079 --> 00:44:15,079
It clung to the hedges and swelled low across the path.

613
00:44:16,119 --> 00:44:20,280
The visibility was awful. The river wasn't even in sight yet,

614
00:44:21,480 --> 00:44:26,440
but I could feel it just around the bend, that damp,

615
00:44:26,760 --> 00:44:32,480
cold presence and impending doom. I stopped walking, reached back

616
00:44:32,880 --> 00:44:37,880
and undid the strap. It came free without fuss, oilcloth,

617
00:44:38,039 --> 00:44:42,639
damp with mist. I wrapped it slowly, feeling the weight

618
00:44:42,679 --> 00:44:47,039
of it in my hands. It felt wrong, like it

619
00:44:47,119 --> 00:44:51,360
knew I had no business holding it. My arms weren't

620
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:55,559
made for this, My hands weren't steady. I never handled

621
00:44:55,559 --> 00:45:00,760
one before, not properly, not like this. And there I

622
00:45:00,960 --> 00:45:04,079
was alone in the mud, with fog at my ankles

623
00:45:04,400 --> 00:45:07,159
and a loaded shotgun in my grip. Like I knew

624
00:45:07,199 --> 00:45:11,440
what the hell I was doing. I broke it open

625
00:45:11,519 --> 00:45:14,719
to check the two shells. They were right where they

626
00:45:14,760 --> 00:45:17,840
were meant to be, and when I clicked it shut,

627
00:45:18,400 --> 00:45:24,199
it made a proper sound, clean and final. Then I

628
00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:28,079
kept moving slowly. My boots sank a little into the

629
00:45:28,119 --> 00:45:31,360
wet ground with each step. I could feel the thud

630
00:45:31,400 --> 00:45:35,519
of my heart beat in my jaw and finger tips.

631
00:45:36,079 --> 00:45:40,079
Then I saw it, a figure of a woman standing

632
00:45:40,119 --> 00:45:43,559
in the water with her back turned, her dress soaked

633
00:45:43,639 --> 00:45:46,920
and clinging to her legs, and her head was wrapped

634
00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:52,000
in a scarf pulled tight. Every muscle in me went taut.

635
00:45:53,360 --> 00:45:56,119
I raised the gun and flicked the safety off with

636
00:45:56,199 --> 00:46:01,719
my thumb, clumsy and stiff. Was louder than I expected.

637
00:46:02,559 --> 00:46:04,360
It made the hairs on the back of my neck

638
00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:09,599
stand up. The figure reacted to the noise one foot

639
00:46:09,719 --> 00:46:13,320
dragging through the water like she was remembering how to stand.

640
00:46:14,679 --> 00:46:18,599
Her body swayed slightly, and every part of me tensed.

641
00:46:19,960 --> 00:46:23,840
My arms were locked and my shoulders tightened. I braced

642
00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:27,679
the stock against my shoulder, properly, lifted the barrel and

643
00:46:27,719 --> 00:46:32,199
lined it up through the gray. The fog swirled around her,

644
00:46:32,559 --> 00:46:37,000
thick as milk, only showing a blur of her. I

645
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:39,960
couldn't see her face, but I knew what this was.

646
00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:46,400
What it had to be one of them. I had

647
00:46:46,400 --> 00:46:50,519
seen this before. I knew this shape, this silence, the

648
00:46:50,639 --> 00:46:55,480
soap dress clinging to her legs, sleeves hanging, heavy hair hidden,

649
00:46:56,119 --> 00:46:59,880
no part of her left of recognize. She was just

650
00:47:00,199 --> 00:47:06,320
another one of them, waiting for a next victim. So

651
00:47:06,440 --> 00:47:09,920
I aimed, and just when I had her square in

652
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:17,760
my sight, she spoke, did you finally bring those biscuits

653
00:47:17,760 --> 00:47:23,360
you promised me? The words took the ground from under

654
00:47:23,400 --> 00:47:27,519
me without warning, and my arms dropped just a little

655
00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:33,320
and shock. I couldn't help it. It felt as if

656
00:47:33,360 --> 00:47:42,480
the gun had become heavier because it was her. It

657
00:47:42,639 --> 00:47:43,159
was Mara