WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.240 The cord of speaker sat on the kitchen island, half 2 00:00:06.320 --> 00:00:08.519 loaded with the playlist. Had started a curating at lunch, 3 00:00:08.759 --> 00:00:11.919 waiting for final approval from Eric. Every surface in our 4 00:00:11.960 --> 00:00:14.679 loft flowed until late April afternoon sun. The glass wall 5 00:00:14.759 --> 00:00:16.839 catching across a mismatched bar road in the stack of 6 00:00:16.839 --> 00:00:19.719 Michael chapmanbooks. I still meant to lend someone id inch 7 00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:22.039 basil leaves into a little blye balder color. Eric picked 8 00:00:22.079 --> 00:00:23.839 on vacation last year and lispened when I heard his 9 00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:27.239 phone vibrate. It was sitting as it usually never did, 10 00:00:27.559 --> 00:00:29.719 screen up right next to the cheese plate. I prepped 11 00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:35.079 it buzz again. I glanced over mostly refix a prevy burner, 12 00:00:35.159 --> 00:00:38.119 slid up Harper community group, can't wait for Thursday, hope 13 00:00:38.119 --> 00:00:40.920 you'll lead again. There was a little party poper emoji 14 00:00:40.960 --> 00:00:44.079 after the sentence. I barely had the thought is this 15 00:00:44.159 --> 00:00:47.119 one of his volunteer kids before it faded. I slid 16 00:00:47.159 --> 00:00:49.439 the basil closer to the tomatoes, chewing over the fact 17 00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:51.759 that lately Eric had so many group texts on his form. 18 00:00:52.320 --> 00:00:54.000 I wondered if I should top up the olives in 19 00:00:54.000 --> 00:00:57.200 the fridge. That's how neutral it struck me when he 20 00:00:57.240 --> 00:00:59.560 walked back through the sliding doors, creating a fresh bottle 21 00:00:59.600 --> 00:01:02.439 of wine. I tried to keep my tone. Night. Who's Harper, 22 00:01:03.119 --> 00:01:05.719 I said, popping the cork myself and pouring two fingers 23 00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:08.480 worth into cut glass we used for everything from your 24 00:01:08.560 --> 00:01:13.000 non profit thing. He took the glass, not meeting my eyes. Oh, Harper, 25 00:01:13.040 --> 00:01:15.959 she's yeah, she's kind of new, just helping coordinate logistics 26 00:01:15.959 --> 00:01:18.840 for our event project stuff. He popped a grape in 27 00:01:18.840 --> 00:01:20.799 his mouth, then reached for his fall and tapping the 28 00:01:20.799 --> 00:01:23.920 side button with his thumb locked instantly, he disappeared into 29 00:01:23.959 --> 00:01:26.799 his back pocket. I watched that little flick of his jaw. 30 00:01:27.400 --> 00:01:29.920 I'd seen it before, usually when he was running late 31 00:01:29.959 --> 00:01:31.920 and had forgotten to feed the neighbor's cat, or when 32 00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:34.239 he said he hadn't finished in envies but actually had small, 33 00:01:34.280 --> 00:01:38.079 harmless secrets, the kind everyone keeps. It was barely perceptible, 34 00:01:38.200 --> 00:01:41.159 just a tiny flinch. What playlist do you want to night, 35 00:01:41.319 --> 00:01:43.680 he asked, his voice flipping bright and casual, so fast 36 00:01:43.719 --> 00:01:46.560 it almost made me grin. You always claim ownership of 37 00:01:46.560 --> 00:01:49.879 the vibes, I shrugged, turning the question back toward the kitchen. 38 00:01:50.519 --> 00:01:52.920 Something people can talk over. But that makes it feel 39 00:01:52.920 --> 00:01:55.239 like we did more than just for heap Orshetta. I 40 00:01:55.280 --> 00:01:57.840 slid a tray into the oven, feeling stupidly that a 41 00:01:57.920 --> 00:02:00.799 loss of Randa hadn't intended to play. We threw dinner 42 00:02:00.840 --> 00:02:03.359 parties every six weeks, maybe more in spring, when the 43 00:02:03.359 --> 00:02:06.480 city felt raw and blooming. People arrived in ways. First 44 00:02:06.560 --> 00:02:08.680 Rachel and Drew with their perennial bottle of something too 45 00:02:08.719 --> 00:02:11.599 expensive to actually like. Then Me from Eric's design team, 46 00:02:11.639 --> 00:02:13.639 who brought her new girlfriend I'd only heard about in 47 00:02:13.719 --> 00:02:15.919 d m's. Later, our friend Josh bearing a loaf of 48 00:02:15.960 --> 00:02:18.520 bread he always swore with store board but never actually was. 49 00:02:19.319 --> 00:02:22.039 Eric was in his element, radiant, with that extrovert energy 50 00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:25.159 I'd always envied. He carved me chigo, laughed at jokes 51 00:02:25.159 --> 00:02:27.759 about our broken dishwasher, made sure of my mother's handbolts. 52 00:02:27.800 --> 00:02:30.879 Ermis didn't get jostled by someone's elbow. I moved through 53 00:02:30.879 --> 00:02:33.479 the room topping up poine, listening for the telltale cues 54 00:02:33.479 --> 00:02:36.840 of our friends needing introductions on new topics. Eric threw 55 00:02:36.879 --> 00:02:39.039 me smiles from across the kitchen, oppressed as pumped to 56 00:02:39.120 --> 00:02:41.360 my back in passing a little ritual we'd build up 57 00:02:41.400 --> 00:02:44.039 quietly over time. But through all the chatter of the 58 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:46.479 threads of stories overlapping, there was a tiny note in 59 00:02:46.520 --> 00:02:50.039 my chest. I couldn't file away Popper, just a name, 60 00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:53.599 but lodge there. I caught myself glancing whenever someone's phone 61 00:02:53.680 --> 00:02:56.680 laid up, noting who checked their notifications with what urgency. 62 00:02:57.400 --> 00:03:01.039 Eric kept as on him all night, even when mixing drinks. Later, 63 00:03:01.240 --> 00:03:03.520 when we finally shoot out the lost stragglers and faced 64 00:03:03.520 --> 00:03:05.719 our kitchen full of wine glasses and all the pits, 65 00:03:05.800 --> 00:03:08.560 he leaned against the fridge and grinned sleepily. We should 66 00:03:08.599 --> 00:03:11.400 do these less often, well more often, I said, taking 67 00:03:11.400 --> 00:03:14.479 a little dick, maybe just us, and less aeramic to 68 00:03:14.520 --> 00:03:17.840 clean up. But the joke didn't quite land. He kissed 69 00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:19.639 my hair and washed up pans while humming as long 70 00:03:19.719 --> 00:03:22.680 I didn't recognize. I told myself it was silly to 71 00:03:22.680 --> 00:03:25.479 think there was anything behind the Hopper text. A lot 72 00:03:25.520 --> 00:03:28.520 of women volunteered as non profit. He always went above 73 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:30.879 and beyond for community stuff. It's why I loved him. 74 00:03:31.159 --> 00:03:34.199 Its wild how single sentence can plan itself, though, That's 75 00:03:34.199 --> 00:03:36.759 what I remember. The group chat, the immediate deflection, and 76 00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:39.360 the way Eric's shoulders curved slightly. When I brought it up, 77 00:03:39.919 --> 00:03:42.719 I pictured how we'd always promised each other no secrets. 78 00:03:43.280 --> 00:03:46.479 It seemed harmless enough. I rolled awake hours before Eric. 79 00:03:47.080 --> 00:03:49.639 Our master bedroom was a penthasse, shoe books, all our 80 00:03:49.719 --> 00:03:53.199 prints and textured throws, filled with six years of dense cohabitation. 81 00:03:53.800 --> 00:03:56.439 As usual, the sun cottages across the gallery wallap power 82 00:03:56.479 --> 00:03:58.919 strip scenes from his cousin's wedding, a print from my 83 00:03:59.000 --> 00:04:02.319 first agency gigs life launch. The room smelled like coffee 84 00:04:02.319 --> 00:04:05.639 in all paperbacks. He didn't feel exaggerated to say our 85 00:04:05.639 --> 00:04:08.759 beginnings felt cinematic. We met at to pop up event 86 00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:11.159 one October, both drawn to the same wire sculpture by 87 00:04:11.159 --> 00:04:14.879 a mutual artist's friend. I derived with Lauren, newly single 88 00:04:14.919 --> 00:04:17.160 and determined to enjoy my freedom. Eric war a blazer 89 00:04:17.160 --> 00:04:19.839 and sneakers, the mark of someone who took creativity seriously, 90 00:04:19.879 --> 00:04:22.560 but not too seriously. We made fun of a confusing 91 00:04:22.600 --> 00:04:25.079 performance art piece for almost an hour, then left together 92 00:04:25.079 --> 00:04:27.680 for Ramen. Even now I could conjure the taste of 93 00:04:27.759 --> 00:04:29.439 chili oil on his lips when he kissed me in 94 00:04:29.480 --> 00:04:32.800 the coach check line. Our relationship unfolded with a slightly 95 00:04:32.839 --> 00:04:35.600 staged fell of two people who read each other's taste instantly. 96 00:04:36.199 --> 00:04:38.920 He took me to under ground supper clubs. I brought 97 00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:41.680 him to roofed up readings. When we finally moved in 98 00:04:41.720 --> 00:04:43.879 together two years later, after a winter of back and 99 00:04:43.920 --> 00:04:46.759 forth sleepovers and text threads about design minimalism, half of 100 00:04:46.800 --> 00:04:49.959 our friend's claim, we already felt married. I kept small 101 00:04:50.000 --> 00:04:53.160 notebooks of our adventures, ticket stubs, drive flower pedals, little 102 00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:55.680 notes he scribbled to get ready, surprise dinner, dress up. 103 00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:00.639 Even our habits overlapped without much resistance. I like planning logistics. 104 00:05:00.800 --> 00:05:04.879 Eric delighted in spontaneity. Our apartment accumulated layers of intent paints, 105 00:05:04.920 --> 00:05:08.240 watches on the cabinets, the barquhard organized and reorganized by season, 106 00:05:08.839 --> 00:05:10.759 art books stacked too deep where there should have been 107 00:05:10.800 --> 00:05:14.279 something as practical as a printer. Especially in those early years, 108 00:05:14.360 --> 00:05:17.839 Thursday was always for us. Even after deadlines or arguments, 109 00:05:17.879 --> 00:05:20.720 we found some new spot Atopa's bar, in a converted warehouse, 110 00:05:20.759 --> 00:05:22.959 at guerrilla poetry reading the Weird Jazz Club with the 111 00:05:23.000 --> 00:05:26.439 sticky flaw. Eric used to joke Thursdays for falling in 112 00:05:26.480 --> 00:05:29.839 love again. I guess that's why when he started volunteering 113 00:05:29.839 --> 00:05:32.120 for the nonprofit. I was proud, even when the meetings 114 00:05:32.240 --> 00:05:34.759 ate up our evenings. It wasn't a big leap. He 115 00:05:34.800 --> 00:05:37.040 wanted to get back, and I could manage a night solo. 116 00:05:37.680 --> 00:05:40.439 But then work at my agency dried up. Our biggest 117 00:05:40.439 --> 00:05:43.160 client to streaming service i'd spent three years wereing ghosted us, 118 00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:46.800 then politely declined to renew. My confidence, Usually buoyed by 119 00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:50.000 deadlines and campaign launches, headed trough. I'd sit at my 120 00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:52.120 desk listening to slap pings for hours without moving a 121 00:05:52.160 --> 00:05:55.839 project forward. Thursday night stopped being fun experiments and started 122 00:05:55.879 --> 00:05:58.399 to feel like calls in a week. Eric was under 123 00:05:58.399 --> 00:06:00.279 pressure too, but it was a good cut, find the 124 00:06:00.360 --> 00:06:03.759 kind he like To minimize. His architecture firms started grooming 125 00:06:03.839 --> 00:06:07.160 him for a creative director spot. He'd work untilate or 126 00:06:07.279 --> 00:06:10.279 even ten, come home, still humming with adrenaline, toss back 127 00:06:10.279 --> 00:06:12.199 a Gin and Tonic, and walk me through his new 128 00:06:12.199 --> 00:06:15.720 design proposals. Sometimes he was light with details of just 129 00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:18.120 business politics, nothing you'd care about it, but he never 130 00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:21.319 actually shut me out. If anything, we joked more about 131 00:06:21.360 --> 00:06:23.439 becoming one of those couples who only see each other 132 00:06:23.480 --> 00:06:26.959 over Google calendar so when our intimacy could when sleep 133 00:06:26.959 --> 00:06:29.240 offers became a little more like strategic meetings to night 134 00:06:29.319 --> 00:06:32.000 in your office tomorrow. In mind, it didn't seem catastrophic. 135 00:06:32.519 --> 00:06:35.639 These things ebb and flow, everyone says. So I told 136 00:06:35.639 --> 00:06:37.959 myself we'd get right again when my works stressed pass 137 00:06:38.040 --> 00:06:40.439 when he landed the promotion, when the world settled down. 138 00:06:41.040 --> 00:06:42.959 The thing that always stood out was how open we were, 139 00:06:43.079 --> 00:06:46.319 or seemed to be. We talked everything true, petty grievances, 140 00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:50.000 money stress, apartment layouts. Eric had an uncanny way of 141 00:06:50.000 --> 00:06:52.120 making me feel bad for any moment of self doubt, 142 00:06:52.279 --> 00:06:54.839 not by dismissing it, but by distracting me. He was 143 00:06:54.920 --> 00:06:57.480 charming body, but underneath it I could sense moments when 144 00:06:57.519 --> 00:07:01.600 he drifted mentally elsewhere, eyes stuck to the middle distance. Still, 145 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:03.720 it wasn't prepared to believe the worst, not with Eric, 146 00:07:03.879 --> 00:07:05.600 not with the way our friends en beat our dinners 147 00:07:05.600 --> 00:07:09.399 in impeccable communication. So when the first cold spots started appearing, 148 00:07:09.439 --> 00:07:11.879 and how we orbited each other, I kept willing them away. 149 00:07:12.439 --> 00:07:15.199 The Monday after our dinner party, I texted erklink to 150 00:07:15.319 --> 00:07:18.879 Tiny Venue downtown. Our favorite ban was doing an acoustic 151 00:07:18.920 --> 00:07:21.199 set on Friday, a band we'd seen together twice, the 152 00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:23.720 kind of genre bending sacks, heavy witness only the two 153 00:07:23.720 --> 00:07:26.839 of us could stand. Thursday was spoken for, of course, 154 00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:29.600 but I figured Friday would be perfect. Or claim something familiar, 155 00:07:29.680 --> 00:07:33.040 kick off the week and rite. Eric's reply was weirdly noncommittal. 156 00:07:33.759 --> 00:07:37.439 Sounds fun, he texted back workspin nuts. I kind of 157 00:07:37.480 --> 00:07:40.560 want a quiet night maybe next time. I read it again, 158 00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:43.480 then slid the phone away, refusing to let the disappointment register. 159 00:07:44.160 --> 00:07:46.560 When he got home the Friday later than usual, claiming 160 00:07:46.560 --> 00:07:49.319 a planning session ran over time, he immediately went to shower. 161 00:07:49.959 --> 00:07:52.959 Oh but not quite a longing. Sometimes he washed off 162 00:07:53.000 --> 00:07:55.680 the city, especially after a day wrangling non profit drama, 163 00:07:55.800 --> 00:07:58.720 his phrase usually with an irol, but he'd never made 164 00:07:58.720 --> 00:08:01.040 it a habit, especially so quickly after coming in the door. 165 00:08:01.639 --> 00:08:04.240 I watched him disappear into the bath room, steam fogging 166 00:08:04.240 --> 00:08:07.040 around the frosted glass. I told myself it was just 167 00:08:07.079 --> 00:08:09.279 a new routine, like meal prepping kale or his recent 168 00:08:09.279 --> 00:08:12.319 obsession with smart home deck. I sat on the edge 169 00:08:12.319 --> 00:08:14.399 of the bed with the magazine open, reading the same 170 00:08:14.480 --> 00:08:17.800 paragraph five times. Was I really just looking for reasons 171 00:08:17.839 --> 00:08:20.480 to worry? One of My default moves when stressed was 172 00:08:20.519 --> 00:08:24.160 to outsource my feelings get an outside read. The next morning, 173 00:08:24.199 --> 00:08:26.879 before yoga, I brought it up to Cassie, my oldest friend, 174 00:08:27.040 --> 00:08:29.399 in the casual way we brought up everything mid stretch, 175 00:08:29.600 --> 00:08:33.639 sweat pooling between complaints about our instructor's playlists. He's just busy, 176 00:08:33.799 --> 00:08:37.679 Cassie said, rolling up her mat. You've always trusted him, 177 00:08:37.799 --> 00:08:40.039 maybe or I don't know, putting your own career stress 178 00:08:40.039 --> 00:08:44.039 on him. I try to laugh. Yeah, maybe I am. 179 00:08:44.440 --> 00:08:47.039 Cassie gave that look, the one that says she's not worried, 180 00:08:47.080 --> 00:08:50.000 not really, and by inference, I shouldn't be either. I 181 00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:53.639 wanted to believe her, so I chose to Saturday afternoon 182 00:08:53.679 --> 00:08:56.080 brought more distraction the gallery opening of a sculptor. We 183 00:08:56.120 --> 00:08:59.960 both liked, the kind of event we rarely missed. Eric uncharacteristic, 184 00:09:00.240 --> 00:09:02.679 decided to skip it, citing a last minute project call. 185 00:09:03.320 --> 00:09:07.480 I didn't push. Sometimes we needed solo afternoons. Besides, the 186 00:09:07.519 --> 00:09:09.440 show was a good way for me to project normalcy. 187 00:09:10.080 --> 00:09:12.919 I wore the shirt Eric liked best, something almost architectural, 188 00:09:12.960 --> 00:09:14.840 and told myself not to scan the crowd for him. 189 00:09:15.360 --> 00:09:17.840 Near the centerpiece of cluster of blown glass orbs suspended 190 00:09:17.879 --> 00:09:20.720 like frozen soap bubbles. Some one tapped my elbow. It 191 00:09:20.840 --> 00:09:23.440 was Janell, an acquaintance we mainly saw at neighborhood events 192 00:09:23.519 --> 00:09:26.840 or occasional dinners. Hey, I thought Eric might come to day, 193 00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:30.039 Janelle said, sipping white wine. He and Harper are doing 194 00:09:30.120 --> 00:09:32.080 such coal stuff over at the center. How do you 195 00:09:32.120 --> 00:09:35.200 feel about his new friend? I hesitated, careful not to 196 00:09:35.279 --> 00:09:37.840 let the price show Harper. Oh you mean the new 197 00:09:37.879 --> 00:09:42.080 team lead? Janelle smiled, Yeah, she's funny as hell. I'd 198 00:09:42.080 --> 00:09:44.440 love to see you too, collab sometime. Is she coming 199 00:09:44.480 --> 00:09:47.679 to night? A thousand possible answers tumble through my chest. 200 00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:52.080 I think she's busy, I managed, feigning comfort. Only later 201 00:09:52.159 --> 00:09:54.320 did it strike me at Janelle assumed a no. Harper well, 202 00:09:54.320 --> 00:09:57.039 almost as if I was expected to. After the opening, 203 00:09:57.080 --> 00:09:59.720 I sculled for Eric's Instagram while my codage on the subway. 204 00:10:00.279 --> 00:10:02.559 Photos from three years ago lined up in bright griods 205 00:10:02.679 --> 00:10:05.159 cocktails with us laughing, tagged events the last time we 206 00:10:05.240 --> 00:10:08.039 hit the beach in the old days. Any time he 207 00:10:08.120 --> 00:10:11.720 volunteered or did something remotely philanthropic, he documented medically. Snaps 208 00:10:11.759 --> 00:10:13.879 of the team flies for the next from razing run 209 00:10:14.080 --> 00:10:17.279 inside jokes in his captions. Lately, though, the feed was 210 00:10:17.320 --> 00:10:21.279 empty of anything non profit related, just moody architectural shots, 211 00:10:21.320 --> 00:10:24.039 the rose selfie with me, nothing new, a line of 212 00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:27.600 mild irritation crept in photodny project or not. Eric was 213 00:10:27.639 --> 00:10:30.519 never subtle about his public persona. It's part of what 214 00:10:30.600 --> 00:10:34.799 made him magnetic. Sometimes exasperating if this harbor thing was innocent, 215 00:10:35.080 --> 00:10:38.279 Why no pictures? Why no shared winds are group postlike 216 00:10:38.320 --> 00:10:42.639 in the past. I started noticing more absences Thursdays. He'd 217 00:10:42.679 --> 00:10:45.399 supposedly work late, sometimes not home until one or two 218 00:10:45.399 --> 00:10:48.159 in the morning. I stopped waiting up, telling myself it 219 00:10:48.200 --> 00:10:50.679 was demanding but meaningful work until that is. I found 220 00:10:50.679 --> 00:10:53.080 receipts for you bur rights nowhere near the non profit's address, 221 00:10:53.080 --> 00:10:56.320 and bakery retreats from a shop upturned timestamp for Thursday afternoons. 222 00:10:56.960 --> 00:10:59.080 I'd never eaten at that bakery with Eric, but the 223 00:10:59.120 --> 00:11:02.080 courses were legendary. While by to all men coss us 224 00:11:02.080 --> 00:11:04.320 in a rush right before heading to a community group 225 00:11:04.320 --> 00:11:07.440 planning meeting, Budgeting together on Sundays was supposed to be 226 00:11:07.480 --> 00:11:10.120 our share of grown a ritual we'd made a spreadsheet 227 00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:13.320 color coded for my freelance projects and his salary. When 228 00:11:13.360 --> 00:11:15.919 the extra receipts popped up, sometimes paired with wine bars 229 00:11:15.960 --> 00:11:17.720 or kaffe as I hadn't heard of, I flagged them 230 00:11:17.720 --> 00:11:19.759 and bit my tongue, filing them on their networking in 231 00:11:19.799 --> 00:11:23.440 the document, but unease flared. There were too many client 232 00:11:23.480 --> 00:11:25.519 meetings that landed at the same time and place as 233 00:11:25.519 --> 00:11:29.200 the bakery runs. Eric's moodshifted two. The way people's weather 234 00:11:29.279 --> 00:11:32.799 changes faster than forecasts. I find little signs, a half 235 00:11:32.799 --> 00:11:34.799 eaten pastry on his side of the fridge, a new 236 00:11:34.799 --> 00:11:37.159 player list open on Spotify, the kind of bancy jazz 237 00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:40.000 he only listened to on road trips. One night, I 238 00:11:40.039 --> 00:11:41.919 caught him on the roof in the dark, pacing and 239 00:11:41.960 --> 00:11:44.600 laughing quietly, is foam pressed to his ear. When I 240 00:11:44.600 --> 00:11:46.600 stepped out to join him, he pocketed the phone and 241 00:11:46.600 --> 00:11:49.120 covered with a big yawn laid call from a donor sorr. 242 00:11:49.200 --> 00:11:51.919 He didn't want to keep you up. He seemed yonder, lighter, 243 00:11:51.960 --> 00:11:54.000 but when I sat too close, his body was pulled 244 00:11:54.039 --> 00:11:56.600 just a fraction away. At brunch with our core group, 245 00:11:56.679 --> 00:11:59.759 Rachel and Drew Cassios, the subject of the nonprofit came up. 246 00:12:00.360 --> 00:12:03.240 Cassie never subtle asked, Hey, Eric, will Harper be at 247 00:12:03.240 --> 00:12:05.960 the charity auction? She sounds like a riot. I watched 248 00:12:06.000 --> 00:12:09.080 Derek's Facey's a black a gear grinding. I've probably she's 249 00:12:09.120 --> 00:12:11.960 handling the email invites not really relevant to the outside 250 00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:15.759 though he ducked his head reset the conversation toward drew'syrop trip. 251 00:12:16.360 --> 00:12:19.039 True usually keen for gossip arch and I brow at 252 00:12:19.039 --> 00:12:22.080 me across the table. That evening, I floated an idea, 253 00:12:23.679 --> 00:12:25.840 maybe I'll swing by next Thursday. I could use a 254 00:12:25.879 --> 00:12:28.080 social night. Plus, I want to see what you're all doing. 255 00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:30.840 Eric smiled, but in that closed mouth where he did 256 00:12:30.840 --> 00:12:34.159 when disappointed by something he shouldn't be. Honestly, it's just 257 00:12:34.200 --> 00:12:38.159 internal planning right now. Budget's bridesheets, seating charts painfully boring. 258 00:12:38.240 --> 00:12:40.440 Trust me, babe, he'd hate it. I'll let you know 259 00:12:40.519 --> 00:12:44.200 when there's something fun. The reasoning was plausible but unsatisfying. 260 00:12:44.799 --> 00:12:47.480 I forced a smile and busied myself clearing plates, letting 261 00:12:47.480 --> 00:12:50.320 the matter drop for that night. That following Thursday, as 262 00:12:50.320 --> 00:12:52.200 I waited for a lulla my own project to text 263 00:12:52.279 --> 00:12:55.360 Eric a message from my friend Beth Pingfrew saw your 264 00:12:55.360 --> 00:12:57.120 men out to night. He looked like he was having 265 00:12:57.120 --> 00:13:00.879 a blast. You're still working late, right? I attached a photo, 266 00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:03.120 slightly blurry snap from across a crowd of wine bar 267 00:13:03.840 --> 00:13:06.600 dim lighting lots of wood and brass, but a mistakably 268 00:13:06.720 --> 00:13:09.559 Erican profile. His head was ducked close to a woman, 269 00:13:09.639 --> 00:13:12.000 dark hair, sharp profile, both of them laughing, a bottle 270 00:13:12.000 --> 00:13:15.240 of County between them. The angle wasn't intimate, more like 271 00:13:15.279 --> 00:13:18.159 two people conspiratorily sharing a joke, but their proximity made 272 00:13:18.159 --> 00:13:20.639 my breath lodge tat in my throat. It was time 273 00:13:20.679 --> 00:13:23.600 stamped for eight twenty three, prom long before meetings typically ended. 274 00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:26.279 I stared at the screen for a long time, thumb 275 00:13:26.279 --> 00:13:30.679 hovering between reply options. Was I overreacting? Was that Harper 276 00:13:31.279 --> 00:13:34.200 I couldn't tell. I tried to imagine a hundred innocent 277 00:13:34.240 --> 00:13:36.519 reasons he could be out early, or why he hadn't 278 00:13:36.559 --> 00:13:39.159 mentioned it. The fear that I was sliding into petty 279 00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:42.240 jealousy gnawed at me. That evening. I cleaned the apartment, 280 00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:44.879 as if scrubbing deep enough could clear the confusion. I 281 00:13:44.879 --> 00:13:47.120 didn't ask Eric that night. He came home late, tired 282 00:13:47.279 --> 00:13:50.480 and fell asleep instantly beside me, smelling of unfamiliar cologne. 283 00:13:50.919 --> 00:13:53.679 The next day, I showed the photo to Cassi after yoga. 284 00:13:54.240 --> 00:13:57.120 What do you think? I tried to make my tone light, 285 00:13:57.279 --> 00:13:59.120 but my voice cordious enough that she put a hand 286 00:13:59.159 --> 00:14:02.759 on my knee. She frowned, studying the screen. Honestly, I 287 00:14:02.799 --> 00:14:05.159 don't get anything major from this. She could be a friend, 288 00:14:05.399 --> 00:14:07.679 A coworker may be taken at face value for now. 289 00:14:07.960 --> 00:14:10.039 If he was cheating right out in public, some one 290 00:14:10.039 --> 00:14:13.039 else would have noticed by now. Ry She looked up, 291 00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:16.080 her voice gentle, he to her solid, So don't let 292 00:14:16.080 --> 00:14:18.840 one flucker freak you out. I gave her a one smile, 293 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:21.639 but inside I was balancing between trust and a growing 294 00:14:21.679 --> 00:14:24.879 sour discomfort. I spent the rest of the afternoon, half working, 295 00:14:25.000 --> 00:14:27.159 half watching Eirek's social feed for any post or a 296 00:14:27.200 --> 00:14:29.200 hint that would ankor me back in what I'd always known. 297 00:14:29.799 --> 00:14:32.799 I let the tensions simmer. A few days, photo noted 298 00:14:32.840 --> 00:14:34.559 at me when I brushed my teeth or found myself 299 00:14:34.600 --> 00:14:37.559 alone in the elevator. The next Friday, I broached the 300 00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:40.600 topic over dinner linguini with spring spiragus, which I made 301 00:14:40.600 --> 00:14:44.279 specifically because Eric claimed it tasted like optimism. I placed 302 00:14:44.279 --> 00:14:47.200 my fork down between us careful to sand casual. So 303 00:14:47.440 --> 00:14:48.879 you're working with a lot of new people at the 304 00:14:48.879 --> 00:14:51.240 non profit. Would love to meet the project team some time. 305 00:14:51.480 --> 00:14:53.639 You know, maybe I can help at the donor invites 306 00:14:54.440 --> 00:14:57.360 Eric froze for a half beat, then exhaled, I'm sorry, 307 00:14:57.399 --> 00:15:00.159 I've been kind of secretive. Ha. His smile was, it's 308 00:15:00.159 --> 00:15:02.639 just bruttle enough to sting. It's a weird time in 309 00:15:02.679 --> 00:15:04.720 a group. There's some politics, a couple of people are 310 00:15:04.759 --> 00:15:07.240 jocking for leet, and I don't know. It's just been 311 00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:08.960 a mess. I didn't want to drag you into it. 312 00:15:09.039 --> 00:15:12.039 Plus hops new and catching up, everybody's feeling out the dynamics. 313 00:15:12.679 --> 00:15:16.000 He seemed genuinely stressed, not defensive so much as exhausted. 314 00:15:16.720 --> 00:15:19.159 If you want, there's a donor thing next week, indo casual, 315 00:15:19.360 --> 00:15:22.120 just happy hour style, low drama. I promise come meet 316 00:15:22.120 --> 00:15:24.919 every one. I should have invited you sooner. I tried 317 00:15:25.120 --> 00:15:28.120 very hard to relate into the offer. Maybe it really 318 00:15:28.240 --> 00:15:31.720 was all workplace nonsense. That Thursday air text to meet 319 00:15:31.840 --> 00:15:34.240 us in the afternoon, Can I bring anything for dinner? 320 00:15:34.360 --> 00:15:37.159 And monsieur I felt silly for building the suspicion so 321 00:15:37.200 --> 00:15:39.440 high in my mind. The donor event was at a 322 00:15:39.480 --> 00:15:42.759 noisy down tom bar, all reclaimed wood and fairy lights. 323 00:15:43.559 --> 00:15:46.120 Eric held my hand at the door, beaming like a proud'spasse. 324 00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:49.320 I met a half dozen volunteers, none of whom seemed 325 00:15:49.360 --> 00:15:51.360 to know me well, and Harper herself, a woman with 326 00:15:51.440 --> 00:15:54.120 quick assessing eyes and hints of purple in her hair. 327 00:15:54.720 --> 00:15:57.279 Harper shook my hand, firmly, asked about my work, and 328 00:15:57.360 --> 00:15:59.879 moved on to the next guest. At no point did 329 00:15:59.879 --> 00:16:01.799 she you seem thirty with Eric. If anything, she was 330 00:16:01.879 --> 00:16:04.279 cull and business like, pulling out a notebook to confirm 331 00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:08.399 an attendance list. The evening clostered by without incident. Eric 332 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:10.559 seemed more relaxed with me there, as if a pressure 333 00:16:10.600 --> 00:16:13.960 had lifted. We went home in a cab togethersed, unaffectionate, 334 00:16:14.480 --> 00:16:17.240 I let myself drift back toward the possibility of normalcy. 335 00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:20.279 The following weekend, Eric was thoughtful in small ways, made 336 00:16:20.279 --> 00:16:22.519 shashika for Sunday breakfast, asked for and put on a 337 00:16:22.519 --> 00:16:25.159 new logo design, sent me an article he'd found about 338 00:16:25.159 --> 00:16:28.799 creative ruts our intimacy, which had felt brittle for weeks 339 00:16:29.039 --> 00:16:32.320 was suddenly present again, at least on the surface. I 340 00:16:32.360 --> 00:16:35.200 found myself exhaling little by little, almost believing my own 341 00:16:35.240 --> 00:16:38.759 doubts had caused the chill. But the thread, once hugged, 342 00:16:38.840 --> 00:16:42.440 never really vanished. The next Thursday, I received an invitation 343 00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:45.120 in my work email gallery opening the following week, featuring 344 00:16:45.159 --> 00:16:48.080 some well known emergent artists, the kind I would always 345 00:16:48.120 --> 00:16:51.279 go to, but now felt slightly odd considering The invite 346 00:16:51.360 --> 00:16:54.440 hit my agency address, which was still on several pr lists, 347 00:16:54.480 --> 00:16:56.240 so I didn't think much of it until I scrolled 348 00:16:56.240 --> 00:16:59.720 through the RSVP list our praier name, where spelling was 349 00:16:59.759 --> 00:17:03.279 right there. Events scheduled for Thursday, the same night Eric 350 00:17:03.320 --> 00:17:06.240 had Marcus Committee were grouped in our sink calendar. I 351 00:17:06.279 --> 00:17:08.519 stared at my phone, connecting dots. I didn't want to 352 00:17:08.519 --> 00:17:11.160 a line. I decided to do what Eric he usually 353 00:17:11.160 --> 00:17:13.640 called to deep diving. He'd always tease my inner detective. 354 00:17:14.359 --> 00:17:17.359 After the opening, the gallery's website posted photos slews of 355 00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:20.480 people in our full lighting, laughing, whine lasses clinking. It 356 00:17:20.559 --> 00:17:22.880 was also familiar these scenes that once starred the two 357 00:17:22.880 --> 00:17:25.279 of us arm in arm, and there in the third 358 00:17:25.319 --> 00:17:28.559 carousel was Eric leaning into Harper at the wine bar Colossus, 359 00:17:28.599 --> 00:17:31.160 side by side, bodies close, uneasy in a way that 360 00:17:31.200 --> 00:17:34.160 made my skin shrink. No other non profit volunteers, no 361 00:17:34.200 --> 00:17:37.839 committee len outs, just Eric and Harper, heads bowed and laughing, 362 00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:40.799 as if conspiring about a private and joke. I closed 363 00:17:40.799 --> 00:17:43.559 my laptop, handshaking. There was only one thing I could 364 00:17:43.559 --> 00:17:46.599 think if I'd ask Eric's colleague Marquez. He and I 365 00:17:46.599 --> 00:17:49.000 had always gotten on. He respected my work, and we'd 366 00:17:49.000 --> 00:17:51.839 had honest chats about tough clients and impossible project scopes. 367 00:17:52.480 --> 00:17:54.880 I pushed down my nerves, opening our message away from 368 00:17:54.880 --> 00:17:58.160 the last holiday mixer. Hey, Mark's quick question. Eric's been 369 00:17:58.160 --> 00:18:00.880 swamped with committee stuff lately, a lot of late nights. Huh, 370 00:18:01.200 --> 00:18:04.480 he replied, after a pause. Oh, I think he's taking 371 00:18:04.519 --> 00:18:07.000 a break miss last two meetings. Said he was overloaded. 372 00:18:07.039 --> 00:18:09.880 We've mostly been short staffed. As he mentioned a new timetable, 373 00:18:10.440 --> 00:18:14.039 I scrolled back through our old chats. Sometimes the absence 374 00:18:14.039 --> 00:18:17.079 of words is of revelation, I thanked him, said Derek 375 00:18:17.119 --> 00:18:20.079 hadn't share details. Closed my laptop and let myself feel 376 00:18:20.079 --> 00:18:22.559 the foe drop away beneath me. Eric was not at 377 00:18:22.559 --> 00:18:25.400 those meetings. He had lied to his own teemd about 378 00:18:25.440 --> 00:18:28.279 where he was, which meant every one of those late nights, 379 00:18:28.319 --> 00:18:31.119 those bakery receipts started to take new, jagged shapes in 380 00:18:31.160 --> 00:18:34.279 my mind. The pieces assembled with a brutal kind of logic. 381 00:18:34.319 --> 00:18:36.559 I refused to call by its real name. Not yet, 382 00:18:37.079 --> 00:18:40.119 I went back to the spreadsheet to a joint account. There, 383 00:18:40.279 --> 00:18:43.000 lurking among the blue supermarket entries and paid utilities was 384 00:18:43.039 --> 00:18:45.960 a hotel charged Thursday, two weeks back, the Britique Hotel 385 00:18:46.000 --> 00:18:48.799 near the Art District. One room paid in full time, 386 00:18:48.839 --> 00:18:51.960 stamped after midnight. I felt suddenly hollow, as if my 387 00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:54.960 breath had been punched after my shoes. I still wanted, 388 00:18:55.160 --> 00:18:57.480 on some level to believe this wasn't about another woman, 389 00:18:57.559 --> 00:18:59.640 or if it was perhaps something less than an affair, 390 00:18:59.640 --> 00:19:02.440 it may be deepening friendship. I had long escape from stress, 391 00:19:02.920 --> 00:19:05.680 even as the evidence Cepphire to my guard. I needed clarity, 392 00:19:05.720 --> 00:19:09.720 proof beyond suggestion. I messas Harper. I told myself it 393 00:19:09.759 --> 00:19:12.759 was only to clarify, not to accuse. I used my 394 00:19:12.799 --> 00:19:15.119 work PERSONA asked if she might be free for Frielan's 395 00:19:15.119 --> 00:19:18.480 collaboration I was pulling together. Harper answered. Within the hour, 396 00:19:18.480 --> 00:19:22.079 war and professional inquisitive. She said she'd love to discuss, 397 00:19:22.240 --> 00:19:25.720 sent her number filled in her designed specialties, no mention 398 00:19:25.839 --> 00:19:29.400 of Eric. She didn't sound evasive or guilty, but rather open, 399 00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:32.279 almost eager for new work. It landed like a stone 400 00:19:32.279 --> 00:19:34.680 at the base of my spine. Maybe she didn't know 401 00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:38.240