WEBVTT 1 00:00:04.360 --> 00:00:07.120 When I pulled into our driveway on Thursday evening, I 2 00:00:07.120 --> 00:00:10.359 could see the kitchen windows glowing bright as always, but 3 00:00:10.400 --> 00:00:13.560 the curtains were pulled halfway shut, making the light spill 4 00:00:13.560 --> 00:00:16.719 out in odd stripes across the porch. I was balancing 5 00:00:16.760 --> 00:00:20.079 two overflowing grocery bags with my elbow when I heard laughter, 6 00:00:20.559 --> 00:00:24.280 their laughter, Jeff's and Christen's, rolling down the hallway even 7 00:00:24.320 --> 00:00:27.440 before I'd closed the front door behind me, our neighbor's 8 00:00:27.519 --> 00:00:31.760 voice softer, low and insistent, a contrast to Jeff's almost 9 00:00:31.800 --> 00:00:35.560 too loud response. I shifted the bags to my hip 10 00:00:35.799 --> 00:00:38.920 and stepped through the narrow hall, passing our prints and 11 00:00:38.920 --> 00:00:41.560 that crooked wall mirror we kept meaning to re hang. 12 00:00:42.399 --> 00:00:45.960 The smell of toasted bread and something sharp and citrusy 13 00:00:46.280 --> 00:00:49.960 hung in the air, familiar and welcoming, layered over the 14 00:00:49.960 --> 00:00:52.880 faintest whiff of sawdust that had trailed through the house 15 00:00:53.079 --> 00:00:56.560 since the first day of the renovation. When I reached 16 00:00:56.560 --> 00:00:59.880 the kitchen, Kristin and Jeff were bent close over the island, 17 00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:03.280 heads lowered toward a clutter of blueprints and a mess 18 00:01:03.320 --> 00:01:07.000 of loose papers. Two coffee mugs were jammed together at 19 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:10.239 the edge a stack of sticky notes curling at the corners, 20 00:01:10.560 --> 00:01:14.719 a tape measure coiled near Jeff's hand. They didn't notice 21 00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:18.599 me at first, or more likely, pretended not to. Kristin 22 00:01:18.640 --> 00:01:21.239 had on those woven slippers she always wore over here, 23 00:01:21.560 --> 00:01:24.519 Hare pulled into a knot expression, a little flushed in 24 00:01:24.560 --> 00:01:28.760 the lamp light. Jeff glanced up, startled, and then immediately 25 00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:32.079 half stood, quick hands sliding a sheet of paper from 26 00:01:32.079 --> 00:01:36.439 on top of the pile, shoving it under a thick binder. Hey, 27 00:01:36.719 --> 00:01:39.519 I said, dropping my keys in the bowl by the door. 28 00:01:40.120 --> 00:01:44.040 Neither of them answered for a moment. Kristin straightened first, 29 00:01:44.239 --> 00:01:47.840 smoothing her shirt, smiling in that self deprecating way she 30 00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:51.760 always did when she felt awkward. Oh, Lauren, I thought 31 00:01:51.799 --> 00:01:55.040 you'd be late. Don't kill us. We couldn't resist diving 32 00:01:55.079 --> 00:01:59.640 into the plans. Yeah, sorry, Jeff said, too quickly, We 33 00:01:59.719 --> 00:02:03.159 got a little sidetracked. Kristin brought over some new ideas 34 00:02:03.159 --> 00:02:06.760 for the cabinet layout. His eyes darted to Kristin, to 35 00:02:06.799 --> 00:02:10.479 the blueprint, then to me, his smile too wide, too innocent. 36 00:02:10.879 --> 00:02:13.319 It was the face he used on contractors and his 37 00:02:13.439 --> 00:02:18.759 more difficult clients. Half friendly, half guarded. I brought the groceries. 38 00:02:19.159 --> 00:02:22.680 Hope you too aren't hungry for more take out, I called, teasing, 39 00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:26.560 searching for the lightness in the moment, Kristin let out 40 00:02:26.560 --> 00:02:29.960 her trademark's snort and reached for her mug. I noticed 41 00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:33.039 she'd painted her nails gold again. She caught me staring 42 00:02:33.120 --> 00:02:36.639 and flexed her fingers in a small joke. Don't worry, 43 00:02:36.879 --> 00:02:39.639 we left the heavy lifting for you. Jeff's been giving 44 00:02:39.639 --> 00:02:43.439 me his master class in kitchen design. It's intense, Lauren. 45 00:02:43.759 --> 00:02:47.199 I don't know how you keep up with all his details. Oh, 46 00:02:47.240 --> 00:02:50.639 I just nod and smile, I retorted, keeping my own 47 00:02:50.680 --> 00:02:54.319 tone breezy, but the air felt thin, charged with something 48 00:02:54.360 --> 00:02:56.960 I couldn't name, as if I'd walked into an inside 49 00:02:57.080 --> 00:03:01.199 joke that wouldn't be explained. Jeff's laugh rang out sharp 50 00:03:01.280 --> 00:03:05.280 and high, but his shoulders didn't relax. As I began 51 00:03:05.319 --> 00:03:09.039 putting away the groceries, I heard Jeff murmur something to Christin, 52 00:03:09.400 --> 00:03:12.520 low enough that I couldn't quite catch it. She giggled, 53 00:03:12.800 --> 00:03:16.120 and then Jeff, still keeping his eyes down, said it's 54 00:03:16.159 --> 00:03:20.960 our little secret. The phrase hung between them. Kristin smiled 55 00:03:21.000 --> 00:03:24.439 at him brief lingering, and then her eyes darted toward me. 56 00:03:24.879 --> 00:03:27.599 I pretended not to notice, but I felt suddenly like 57 00:03:27.639 --> 00:03:30.680 a guest in my own kitchen. I busied myself at 58 00:03:30.680 --> 00:03:33.520 the fridge, breath shallow, pretending to study a jar of 59 00:03:33.560 --> 00:03:36.800 olives as though it mattered. The words echoed in my head. 60 00:03:37.199 --> 00:03:41.400 Was he joking? Jeff was always a flirt, always collecting small, 61 00:03:41.520 --> 00:03:46.479 meaningless secrets. Our friend group was littered with them, nicknames, 62 00:03:46.599 --> 00:03:50.560 silly mishaps, surprise party plans. So why did it feel 63 00:03:50.560 --> 00:03:53.840 different this time? I watched them from the corner of 64 00:03:53.879 --> 00:03:57.719 my eye. Kristin's hand rested just for a beat on 65 00:03:57.879 --> 00:04:00.919 Jeff's arm as she pointed to a note. He glanced 66 00:04:00.960 --> 00:04:03.599 at her, grinned, and then quickly looked away. When I 67 00:04:03.680 --> 00:04:07.159 turned their focus returned to the plans on the countertop, 68 00:04:07.400 --> 00:04:11.199 but the charged hush lingered. Later, as I poured a 69 00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:15.280 glass of cheapsinfandle Jeff stood up abruptly and announced, I'm 70 00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:18.240 going to walk Kristen out. He ushered her toward the hall, 71 00:04:18.600 --> 00:04:21.920 voices dropping to a murmur. I lingered a moment longer 72 00:04:21.959 --> 00:04:25.040 in the kitchen, listening. I told myself that they were 73 00:04:25.040 --> 00:04:28.439 discussing measurements. Maybe the best would finish for the counters, 74 00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:32.040 or the ongoing back and forth about open shelving, the 75 00:04:32.120 --> 00:04:34.680 kind of practical details I was always looped in on 76 00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:39.120 before I tried to unwind that night, curled up in bed, 77 00:04:39.399 --> 00:04:43.120 the mattress cold on Jeff's side, I repositioned the pillow, 78 00:04:43.399 --> 00:04:47.920 replayed that moment in my head, Jeff's laugh, Christen's delighted smile, 79 00:04:48.279 --> 00:04:52.920 the blueprints scattered everywhere when Jeff eventually slid under the covers. 80 00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:55.800 I forced myself to act as though nothing was wrong. 81 00:04:56.839 --> 00:04:59.279 But I couldn't let go of those three words, a 82 00:04:59.399 --> 00:05:04.040 little seat. They threaded through my mind, insistent and strange, 83 00:05:04.360 --> 00:05:06.720 as if they were a splinter working its way under 84 00:05:06.720 --> 00:05:10.480 my skin. It's never just one moment, or so I 85 00:05:10.560 --> 00:05:13.959 told myself for the thousandth time in the days that followed. 86 00:05:14.480 --> 00:05:18.720 Suspicion isn't planted all at once. Its seeps slow, as rust, 87 00:05:18.959 --> 00:05:21.800 clotting the corners of things you used to take for granted. 88 00:05:22.839 --> 00:05:26.319 Before Jeff and Christen's kitchen summit, before this night that 89 00:05:26.399 --> 00:05:29.600 pressed in shadows on either side, my marriage had felt, 90 00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:33.360 if not perfect, then at least solid. I held to that, 91 00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:36.800 even as I woke beside Jeff and watched him sleep, 92 00:05:37.120 --> 00:05:40.399 the traces of laughter still creasing his eyes. I made 93 00:05:40.399 --> 00:05:43.439 myself remember what brought us this far, what should keep 94 00:05:43.560 --> 00:05:47.800 us together now? We met at New Year's five years back, 95 00:05:48.160 --> 00:05:51.120 an invitation to a friend of a friend's rooftop party, 96 00:05:51.519 --> 00:05:54.040 the kind of event where everyone pretended not to be 97 00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:57.519 freezing in their party clothes. Jeff had arrived in a 98 00:05:57.560 --> 00:06:02.000 threadbare tuxedo jacket, a kitchen plastic crown askew on his head, 99 00:06:02.399 --> 00:06:05.920 carrying three bottles of prosecco, like a party favour Santa. 100 00:06:06.959 --> 00:06:09.199 He'd made me laugh before had even caught his name. 101 00:06:09.639 --> 00:06:11.839 I remember the fizz on my tongue, and how he 102 00:06:11.920 --> 00:06:15.759 handed me a shimmering scarf from a lost and Found box, saying, 103 00:06:16.120 --> 00:06:20.240 where this it matches your spirit? We spent the entire 104 00:06:20.319 --> 00:06:24.319 night trading stories, our boots soaked from melted ice, rent 105 00:06:24.360 --> 00:06:29.120 controlled apartments, and impossible dreams. After that, it had been 106 00:06:29.120 --> 00:06:32.000 a fast fall, late night road trips to the coast, 107 00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:35.600 spur of the moment hikes, weekends tearing up thrift stores 108 00:06:35.600 --> 00:06:39.319 for ugly lamps. Jeff's energy was endless. I loved how 109 00:06:39.319 --> 00:06:41.519 he could make anything fun how he made the act 110 00:06:41.519 --> 00:06:44.360 of building a life together seem like the wildest adventure. 111 00:06:44.839 --> 00:06:48.839 He dazzled me sometimes he still does, even on days 112 00:06:48.839 --> 00:06:51.439 when he's tangled in a spreadsheet or out pacing me 113 00:06:51.480 --> 00:06:54.639 in a half argument about countertop samples and where to 114 00:06:54.680 --> 00:06:59.000 place the fridge. Our circle of friends Erica and Colin, 115 00:06:59.240 --> 00:07:03.399 Kristen and Mark, sometimes a few others, became a second family. 116 00:07:03.920 --> 00:07:07.199 We threw dinner parties where everyone outdid themselves with themed 117 00:07:07.279 --> 00:07:11.319 drinks and ridiculous charades, a messy, glittering kind of community 118 00:07:11.399 --> 00:07:15.120 I had always wanted. Mark and Kristin lived next door, 119 00:07:15.439 --> 00:07:19.120 a practical arrangement that swiftly passed into a real friendship. 120 00:07:20.120 --> 00:07:22.560 If anything, Kristin was the glue that kept us all 121 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:26.160 in balance, a dependable planner, quick with a joke, and 122 00:07:26.199 --> 00:07:28.920 full of wild ideas that Jeff couldn't resist running with 123 00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:32.839 her husband. Mark was quieter, often happy to let Kristin 124 00:07:32.920 --> 00:07:35.920 be the star at gatherings. When we all started talking 125 00:07:35.920 --> 00:07:39.160 about kitchen updates, it felt natural to loop Kristin in. 126 00:07:39.639 --> 00:07:42.560 She done her own reno last year, and even Jeff, 127 00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:47.000 obsessive about having control over every detail, valued her input. 128 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:50.759 The house came after two years of saving our very 129 00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:54.319 own mid century fixer upper with sloped ceilings and dingy 130 00:07:54.480 --> 00:07:59.360 original everything. The kitchen was a particular sore spot. Linoleum floors, 131 00:07:59.399 --> 00:08:02.680 curling up life potato peels, a clunky oven that whistled 132 00:08:02.680 --> 00:08:06.399 at random, fridge wedged beneath an ill fitting cabinet. We'd 133 00:08:06.399 --> 00:08:10.360 made spreadsheets Lauren's dream kitchen boards ruled the planning app 134 00:08:10.360 --> 00:08:13.639 we both shared. Geoff would tease me, You're the only 135 00:08:13.720 --> 00:08:18.000 person I know who colour codes their cravings. Jeff's work 136 00:08:18.040 --> 00:08:21.199 in commercial real estate brought in the larger checks, but 137 00:08:21.240 --> 00:08:23.959 he was always just a little fast and loose with money. 138 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:28.680 It'll sort itself out, babe, he joke. He'd float big ideas, 139 00:08:29.040 --> 00:08:34.159 cruise vacations, expensive countertop upgrades, grand gestures, while I double 140 00:08:34.240 --> 00:08:37.519 checked bills, kept an eye on our shared account, made little, 141 00:08:37.559 --> 00:08:41.799 coarse corrections in the spreadsheet. I trusted him, not that 142 00:08:41.840 --> 00:08:44.720 we never fought, but the kind of trust that emerges 143 00:08:44.799 --> 00:08:48.279 from thousands of minor routines. The way he always grabbed 144 00:08:48.320 --> 00:08:51.000 my hand under the table at parties, how he play 145 00:08:51.039 --> 00:08:54.480 wrestled me with dish towels on Sunday mornings. The notes 146 00:08:54.519 --> 00:08:57.759 he'd sneak into my sketch book, inside jokes that would 147 00:08:57.799 --> 00:09:01.080 make me laugh in the middle of conference calls. But 148 00:09:01.159 --> 00:09:03.679 in the last few months, a tightness had crept in 149 00:09:04.200 --> 00:09:07.399 words caught in his throat. More often, nights stretched out 150 00:09:07.399 --> 00:09:10.039 with him on the couch, laptop glowing blue into the 151 00:09:10.039 --> 00:09:14.000 small hours, claiming just one more email to send. Budget 152 00:09:14.039 --> 00:09:18.039 talks became land minds. He'd snap or simply change the subject. 153 00:09:18.360 --> 00:09:21.600 I chalked it up to stress. Renovations fray even the 154 00:09:21.639 --> 00:09:26.279 sturdiest partnerships, don't they still all that lay under the surface. 155 00:09:26.320 --> 00:09:29.559 As I drifted off that night, arm draped on his chest, 156 00:09:29.919 --> 00:09:33.320 breathing the familiar scent of his skin, but feeling for 157 00:09:33.399 --> 00:09:36.600 the first time a thin wedge of distance. Neither of 158 00:09:36.679 --> 00:09:40.879 us dared name. The next hint came fast. Just days later. 159 00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:45.120 I cut my work appointments short, client canceled last second. 160 00:09:45.600 --> 00:09:48.480 I parked on our street just before four, carrying my 161 00:09:48.600 --> 00:09:52.320 tablet and an armful of fabric samples. I expected an 162 00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:55.159 empty house or maybe Jeff on a zoom call his 163 00:09:55.320 --> 00:10:00.480 tiere skew surrounded by chaos. Instead, voices filled altered from 164 00:10:00.480 --> 00:10:03.080 the back, laughter that was more relaxed than I had 165 00:10:03.159 --> 00:10:06.360 heard in weeks. I found them perched side by side 166 00:10:06.399 --> 00:10:10.600 at the kitchen island. Kristin was mid story, animated her 167 00:10:10.639 --> 00:10:14.120 hands drawing circles in the condensation from a wine glass. 168 00:10:14.600 --> 00:10:18.080 The blueprint was rolled out, one that looked distinctly different 169 00:10:18.080 --> 00:10:21.919 from the doggy adversion I d last scene. It was 170 00:10:21.960 --> 00:10:26.039 the wine glasses that got me two, both nearly empty, 171 00:10:26.399 --> 00:10:29.279 one resting inside the faint outline from where it had 172 00:10:29.320 --> 00:10:33.799 sat for more than one Poor Jeff startled, eyes flickering 173 00:10:33.799 --> 00:10:37.000 across my face. Hey, aren't you supposed to be at 174 00:10:37.000 --> 00:10:42.080 the Andersen walk through? Client flaked you guys celebrating something. 175 00:10:43.080 --> 00:10:46.360 Kristin flashed her grin too big, the one she uses 176 00:10:46.399 --> 00:10:49.759 to reset a room. We were just brainstorming. I think 177 00:10:49.840 --> 00:10:52.000 Jeff might actually have a way to get your wall 178 00:10:52.039 --> 00:10:55.799 oven and his bar fridge. She waggled her eyebrows. Some 179 00:10:56.000 --> 00:11:01.080 serious fantasy geometry happening. I hung my jacket, nodded at 180 00:11:01.080 --> 00:11:07.240 the blueprints. These new Jeff shrugged, acting suddenly bored. Kristin 181 00:11:07.320 --> 00:11:10.320 thought up a corner banquette. We'll probably stick to the 182 00:11:10.360 --> 00:11:14.919 original plan, though he moved to his laptop, clattering away, 183 00:11:15.159 --> 00:11:18.600 making a show of searching for a file. Kristin, for 184 00:11:18.679 --> 00:11:21.679 all her jokes, had gone quiet, twisting the stem of 185 00:11:21.720 --> 00:11:25.320 her glass. After they'd left, and the dishwasher hummed in 186 00:11:25.360 --> 00:11:28.639 the corner, I noticed something on the floor beneath the barstool, 187 00:11:28.960 --> 00:11:32.519 A teardrop shaped stud, gold and small, dusted with a 188 00:11:32.519 --> 00:11:37.519 speck of glitter. Instinctively, I squeezed it in my palm, Kristen's. 189 00:11:37.840 --> 00:11:41.360 She'd worn them to our last poker night. It felt strange, 190 00:11:41.559 --> 00:11:44.720 almost intimate, finding it here, somewhere I would have stepped 191 00:11:44.720 --> 00:11:47.759 on any other day. I left it on the counter. 192 00:11:48.240 --> 00:11:50.960 When I mentioned it the next day, Jeff just laughed 193 00:11:51.000 --> 00:11:54.919 and nudged Kristin. You shedding jewels again. Kristin rolled her 194 00:11:54.919 --> 00:11:58.279 eyes and reached out her palm. I swear I'm hopeless, 195 00:11:58.840 --> 00:12:02.600 But behind her easy smile I spotted something that looked practiced, 196 00:12:02.840 --> 00:12:06.799 a brush off she'd rehearsed before. I knew it was unfair. 197 00:12:07.279 --> 00:12:10.200 The house was a war zone, and Kristen was always 198 00:12:10.240 --> 00:12:13.200 losing things. But I tucked the earring away, and the 199 00:12:13.279 --> 00:12:17.039 junk drawer just the same, beneath old receipts and keys 200 00:12:17.159 --> 00:12:21.639 that never unlocked anything. That night, with my sketch pad open. 201 00:12:21.960 --> 00:12:25.200 I absently drew the outline of the earring, again and 202 00:12:25.279 --> 00:12:29.120 again until the shape lost all meaning. I pressed hard 203 00:12:29.200 --> 00:12:32.200 until my pencil nearly tore through the paper, trying to 204 00:12:32.279 --> 00:12:36.279 shake the feeling that I was missing something obvious. Over 205 00:12:36.320 --> 00:12:40.519 the following weeks, the unease gathered mass, slowly tilting the 206 00:12:40.559 --> 00:12:44.159 center of my little world. First, it announced itself as 207 00:12:44.200 --> 00:12:48.080 disruptions in the schedule, the gentle erosion of our routines. 208 00:12:49.159 --> 00:12:53.440 It began with Jeff's texts running late, contractor issue or 209 00:12:53.519 --> 00:12:56.799 Christen and I are brainstorming finishes, go ahead and eat. 210 00:12:57.600 --> 00:13:00.960 That was one thing, renovations ate time. But then the 211 00:13:01.039 --> 00:13:04.639 money started leaking out, nickeling and dimming us far faster 212 00:13:04.720 --> 00:13:08.559 than we'd planned. I spotted a string of transactions from 213 00:13:08.639 --> 00:13:12.039 Ace Hardware, odd in themselves, because Jeff had written that 214 00:13:12.120 --> 00:13:15.639 he needed only a sander, yet the receipts showed odd bits. 215 00:13:15.960 --> 00:13:19.000 A packet of wood glue here, tile spaces there, a 216 00:13:19.120 --> 00:13:23.480 second hand might have saw. Oddest was the frequency, sometimes 217 00:13:23.519 --> 00:13:26.440 nearly daily, when Jeff swore he was just at home, 218 00:13:26.840 --> 00:13:31.879 drawing out kitchen elevations or fielding supplier calls home later 219 00:13:32.000 --> 00:13:35.840 and later projects turning into a beast, he'd say, setting 220 00:13:35.919 --> 00:13:39.200 down take out bags, always joined by an excuse like 221 00:13:39.559 --> 00:13:43.039 Kristin knows a guy who can get Tile's wholesale, or 222 00:13:43.200 --> 00:13:45.240 needed to grab a drink with her to hash out 223 00:13:45.279 --> 00:13:50.799 these changes. Everything seemed contingent on Kristen, her contacts, her timing, 224 00:13:50.960 --> 00:13:55.159 her sense of design. He started shutting down my suggestions. 225 00:13:55.679 --> 00:13:58.279 Let s leave the budget to me and Mark. It's 226 00:13:58.360 --> 00:14:01.159 boring number stuff, Jeff would say. If I asked about 227 00:14:01.159 --> 00:14:03.759 a ballooning invoice or a new purchase that didn't quite 228 00:14:03.799 --> 00:14:07.799 fit the spreadsheet I'd built, he wasn't angry, just closed off. 229 00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:12.320 Sometimes I'd find them heads together over the marble slab sample, 230 00:14:12.639 --> 00:14:16.519 their conversation veering into barely audible territory as I putted 231 00:14:16.559 --> 00:14:19.440 in the den, feeling pasted over in my own home. 232 00:14:20.480 --> 00:14:23.320 I tried to wedge myself into their meetings, showing up 233 00:14:23.360 --> 00:14:26.679 with snacks or extra notebooks, but Jeff would wave me off. 234 00:14:27.159 --> 00:14:31.279 It's just boring stuff, babe, logistics, calendar headaches. You don't 235 00:14:31.279 --> 00:14:33.679 want to sit through us fighting over grout colors and 236 00:14:33.799 --> 00:14:38.600 lead times. Kristin would echo him, adding her own gentle apologies. 237 00:14:38.919 --> 00:14:43.320 It's room by room tedium Lauren, I promise our next 238 00:14:43.320 --> 00:14:46.600 backyard barbecue thrown together so we could show off our 239 00:14:46.639 --> 00:14:51.159 mostly completed patio. Lights had the usual suspects, Kristin and Mark, 240 00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:54.519 Erica and Colin, Rob and Simer from down the block. 241 00:14:55.080 --> 00:14:58.200 Everyone wore shorts and hats and stole bites from Erica's 242 00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:01.159 tray of brownies. But I watched Kristin and Jeff across 243 00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:04.399 the lawn, bent over the grill, sharing a laugh that 244 00:15:04.519 --> 00:15:07.799 left both of them slightly pink cheeked and breathless. I's 245 00:15:07.879 --> 00:15:11.759 not meeting mine, even when I refilled their drinks. I 246 00:15:11.799 --> 00:15:15.799 wanted to join them, but the bubble held tight. Mark, 247 00:15:15.919 --> 00:15:19.679 dealing with the kids from next door, seemed unbothered, chatting 248 00:15:19.720 --> 00:15:22.919 with Erica and piling his plate with ribs. It all 249 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:27.399 felt normal and at the same time completely alien. I 250 00:15:27.519 --> 00:15:30.720 tried gently to check in with Jeff one night after 251 00:15:30.759 --> 00:15:33.879 dinner as he sorted through contractor emils. I said, we're 252 00:15:33.960 --> 00:15:38.039 racking up hardware store charges. Are we buying gold plated forcets? 253 00:15:38.399 --> 00:15:41.440 He didn't laugh, just frowned. Mark and I are covering 254 00:15:41.519 --> 00:15:45.279 the overridges. Kristin says, the delivery fees are nuts. Right now, 255 00:15:45.840 --> 00:15:49.600 nothing's wrong, just the price of doing it right. I 256 00:15:49.679 --> 00:15:52.679 let it go, and then wished I hadn't. When Saturday 257 00:15:52.799 --> 00:15:54.919 rolled around and Jeff said he'd be out most of 258 00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:59.120 the afternoon picking up some specialty hinges. I nodded, planning 259 00:15:59.159 --> 00:16:01.240 to squeeze in a net app and call my parents. 260 00:16:01.840 --> 00:16:03.799 But when I poured the last of the laundry into 261 00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:07.039 the machine, I noticed a receipt poking from Jeff's jeans, 262 00:16:07.440 --> 00:16:10.759 a coffee shop tab, two lattes, and a note reading 263 00:16:11.039 --> 00:16:15.519 Downtown Bistro, thank you for your business. The Beistro was 264 00:16:15.600 --> 00:16:19.639 nowhere near the hardware district, and certainly not a supply store. 265 00:16:20.639 --> 00:16:22.399 I held on to the slip for a full day 266 00:16:22.480 --> 00:16:25.919 before dropping it on the kitchen counter. Jeff just grinned. 267 00:16:25.919 --> 00:16:29.080 When I asked catch up with a client, He shrugged 268 00:16:29.519 --> 00:16:33.399 Kristin and I ran into a countertop guy there, small world. 269 00:16:33.919 --> 00:16:36.320 He kissed my forehead and went back to his laptop. 270 00:16:37.320 --> 00:16:41.159 Something in me twisted a small, almost childish desire to 271 00:16:41.240 --> 00:16:45.200 storm over and demand a fuller answer, but instead I 272 00:16:45.320 --> 00:16:49.240 swallowed my suspicion and returned to my own work, pretending 273 00:16:49.279 --> 00:16:53.519 the explanations still fit together. Our sex life seemed to 274 00:16:53.559 --> 00:16:56.799 slide into a slow frieze too. I'd brush up against 275 00:16:56.840 --> 00:16:59.559 him at the sink, suggest skipping yet another night of 276 00:16:59.639 --> 00:17:03.480 LEFTO for bed, but he'd yawn and mumble. Gunner finished 277 00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:07.359 this order before I forget babe. There were no big fights, 278 00:17:07.480 --> 00:17:11.559 no accusations, just a spreading cool emptiness that neither of 279 00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:15.359 us acknowledged. One evening, in a moment of real panic, 280 00:17:15.440 --> 00:17:18.559 I called Erica. I tried to make my concern sound light. 281 00:17:18.960 --> 00:17:21.039 Do you think Jeff and Kristen are spending too much 282 00:17:21.079 --> 00:17:24.200 time together? She hesitated, then told me to trust Jeff. 283 00:17:24.680 --> 00:17:27.240 You know him. He flirts with every one and means nothing. 284 00:17:27.400 --> 00:17:29.960 She said Mark would see if anything was off right, 285 00:17:30.519 --> 00:17:33.359 but a quiet note entered her voice. Do you notice 286 00:17:33.440 --> 00:17:36.799 Kristin stays even when Mark heads out early? She's bored? 287 00:17:37.160 --> 00:17:41.359 Nothing more? I laughed, but there was a tremor beneath it. 288 00:17:42.279 --> 00:17:45.079 A week later, in a fit of desperation, I did 289 00:17:45.119 --> 00:17:48.359 something I'd always promised myself I wouldn't. I peeked at 290 00:17:48.400 --> 00:17:50.720 Jeff's phone when he left it on the kitchen island 291 00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:54.319 during a late night. The message threads with Kristin were 292 00:17:54.359 --> 00:18:00.400 at first exactly as expected. Shipping delays contractor complaints, helevarious 293 00:18:00.400 --> 00:18:05.079 photos of wonky tile samples, but scattered between the professional 294 00:18:05.160 --> 00:18:08.920 updates were inside jokes, had never heard, chains of emojis, 295 00:18:09.240 --> 00:18:12.599 an inside duo of egg plants and cocktail glasses, the 296 00:18:12.640 --> 00:18:16.480 winking face Jeff used only with me, a recurring phrase 297 00:18:17.079 --> 00:18:20.880 don't let us see my stomach fluttered hot and cold. 298 00:18:21.920 --> 00:18:25.880 Kristen used our shared neighborly expense app. I started checking 299 00:18:25.880 --> 00:18:30.359 her reimbursements, tracking the dates. I noticed that sometimes hotel 300 00:18:30.480 --> 00:18:35.319 charges would appear marked group dinner, Jeff sometimes contract a meeting. 301 00:18:36.039 --> 00:18:39.119 They became a steady background hum, like the sound of 302 00:18:39.160 --> 00:18:43.319 distant thunder. Our joint account, which I had always tracked 303 00:18:43.359 --> 00:18:47.559 so easily, began to show longer stretches of unexplained withdrawals, 304 00:18:47.880 --> 00:18:51.680 some labeled vaguely, others just blank. I tried to talk 305 00:18:51.720 --> 00:18:54.599 it out with Jeff, but each attempt dissolved into him 306 00:18:54.680 --> 00:18:58.720 suggesting I was spiraling or seeing patterns where there aren't any. 307 00:18:59.400 --> 00:19:02.160 He always promised things would even out once the kitchen 308 00:19:02.279 --> 00:19:06.960 was done. Then, during a particularly tense dinner, Mark half dipsy, 309 00:19:07.200 --> 00:19:09.480 having lost a bet on the pool game, made a 310 00:19:09.559 --> 00:19:13.039 joke Kristin and Jeff should just switch partners, given how 311 00:19:13.119 --> 00:19:16.200 much time they glued together these days, The table fell 312 00:19:16.279 --> 00:19:19.519 awkwardly silent. I tried to laugh along, but I could 313 00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:22.759 feel eyes on me. Jeff immediately cracked a joke about 314 00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:25.400 Mark wanting to steal me away for my killer Sangria. 315 00:19:25.960 --> 00:19:29.480 Kristin busied herself clearing plates, her back far too straight. 316 00:19:30.559 --> 00:19:33.359 That night, I lay awake, Jeff asleep on his side, 317 00:19:33.359 --> 00:19:35.759 with his back to me. I listened to the rattle 318 00:19:35.799 --> 00:19:38.799 of the old thermostat and counted the cracks in the ceiling. 319 00:19:39.400 --> 00:19:42.039 Every time I thought I might drift off, The word 320 00:19:42.200 --> 00:19:46.119 secret replayed on loop, edged with doubt and panic and 321 00:19:46.160 --> 00:19:49.680 the sickening possibility that I was wrong about everything. Was 322 00:19:49.720 --> 00:19:52.839 I paranoid making something out of nothing? Or was I 323 00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:56.519 missing something? Staring me in the face, Almost as if 324 00:19:56.599 --> 00:20:00.480 Jeff saw the gathering clouds, he changed course. The follow week, 325 00:20:01.079 --> 00:20:04.039 he surprised me with a dinner reservation at our favorite 326 00:20:04.079 --> 00:20:07.960 French bistro, the one with the lavender tart we both craved. 327 00:20:09.000 --> 00:20:12.680 He shaved before leaving the house iron his shirt. Grinned 328 00:20:12.680 --> 00:20:15.880 at me across the table in the flickering candlelight. There 329 00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:18.720 was even a moment after we'd shared a bottle of 330 00:20:18.839 --> 00:20:22.160 chilled white when I could imagine us easily slipping back 331 00:20:22.160 --> 00:20:26.039 into our old rhythm. I know I've been busy, he said, 332 00:20:26.079 --> 00:20:29.640 reaching for my hand. The renovations taken over. I'm sorry 333 00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:33.160 there was this wiring issue. Kristin espen a godsend, but 334 00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:38.119 it's complicated, he explained, away the costs extra wiring, finishing, nails, 335 00:20:38.240 --> 00:20:41.839 tile returns. Offered to share the spreadsheet, even though deep 336 00:20:41.920 --> 00:20:44.960 down we both knew that Jeff's spreadsheet was a collection 337 00:20:45.039 --> 00:20:49.400 of highlighted emails and scribbled post its. He apologized for 338 00:20:49.480 --> 00:20:52.000 all the late nights, stressed that he wanted us to 339 00:20:52.039 --> 00:20:55.039 be on the same page. When we got home. He 340 00:20:55.160 --> 00:20:58.680 opened up the project plans for me, walked through every decision, 341 00:20:59.079 --> 00:21:02.240 even suggesting I joined the next meeting with Kristin and 342 00:21:02.279 --> 00:21:07.400 the contractor. Erica came over that Saturday afternoon, bringing pastries 343 00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:10.680 and a stack of gossip magazines. I told her everything 344 00:21:10.759 --> 00:21:13.720 Jeff had said. Embarrassed at how convinced I'd been of 345 00:21:13.759 --> 00:21:16.720 his guilt, she hugged me, then propped her feet on 346 00:21:16.799 --> 00:21:20.799 the coffee table. See you're just run down. Leave the 347 00:21:20.839 --> 00:21:24.200 project chaos to Jeff and Kristen if something was really 348 00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:28.599 going on, you'd know. The next contractor meeting was in fact, 349 00:21:28.920 --> 00:21:32.920 excruciatingly dull. Kristin sat stiffly at the edge of the table, 350 00:21:33.160 --> 00:21:36.440 hair pulled tightly back, barely glancing at Jeff except to 351 00:21:36.480 --> 00:21:41.240 ask clarifying questions. She even corrected herself twice, apologizing for 352 00:21:41.279 --> 00:21:44.160 delays in the millwork schedule, always in the voice she 353 00:21:44.279 --> 00:21:48.039 used for business calls. The contractor droned about schedules and 354 00:21:48.119 --> 00:21:51.720 code issues. I found myself doodling patterns in the margin 355 00:21:51.759 --> 00:21:54.839 of my note book, deeply relieved that nothing was amiss 356 00:21:54.880 --> 00:21:58.640 after all, for the first time in weeks, my suspicion 357 00:21:58.759 --> 00:22:02.960 shrank into embarrassment. At home, I laughed about it with Erica, 358 00:22:03.240 --> 00:22:07.839 telling her how professional, even boring, Kristin had seemed. Maybe 359 00:22:07.839 --> 00:22:11.200 I'm just jealous of their ideas, I joked. She told 360 00:22:11.240 --> 00:22:14.240 me to enjoy being off renovation duty while I could. 361 00:22:15.279 --> 00:22:17.559 But the next morning, as I sought it a fresh 362 00:22:17.599 --> 00:22:20.960 load of laundry, my relief died in my throat. A 363 00:22:21.000 --> 00:22:24.599 receipt fluttered out of Jeff's Jeanes. It was for two cocktails, 364 00:22:24.920 --> 00:22:28.799 Negroni and gin Fizz at a hotel bar, time stamped 365 00:22:28.839 --> 00:22:30.839 the night Jeff said he was working late on the 366 00:22:30.839 --> 00:22:34.599 wiring budget with Christin. The happiness I'd managed to stitch 367 00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:38.200 together the night before was gone, replaced by something heavier 368 00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:41.920 and uglier than before. The rest of that day, I 369 00:22:42.039 --> 00:22:46.440 drifted between small tasks, hands clumsy as I put away groceries, 370 00:22:46.720 --> 00:22:50.000 the receipt burning in my pocket, I pictured the bar 371 00:22:50.400 --> 00:22:54.680 low lighting, intimacy forced by rounded booths, the same kind 372 00:22:54.759 --> 00:22:57.480 Jeff had taken me to back in those early post 373 00:22:57.519 --> 00:23:00.279 New Year week ends, when the world seemed only as 374 00:23:00.359 --> 00:23:03.839 wide as our next date. I forced myself to sit 375 00:23:03.920 --> 00:23:07.759 down and collect the last three months of receipts, bank statements, 376 00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:12.039 and the expense app notifications. What had seemed like harmless 377 00:23:12.039 --> 00:23:15.759 proximity now looked like a pattern. The hotel bars, the 378 00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:19.799 dual dinner charges, the cash with drawers at odd hours. 379 00:23:20.559 --> 00:23:23.240 I tried, at first to believe that it was stress 380 00:23:23.440 --> 00:23:27.279 late night meetings that drifted from business to comfort, lines 381 00:23:27.319 --> 00:23:31.039 blurred by too much time together. But the emoji chains, 382 00:23:31.400 --> 00:23:36.000 the coded secret getaway jokes, the missing Saturday afternoons didn't 383 00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:39.599 fit that version of the story any more. Still, I 384 00:23:39.640 --> 00:23:41.839 couldn't quite let go of the idea that I might 385 00:23:41.880 --> 00:23:44.759 be wrong that the sum of all these oddities was 386 00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:48.039 a coincidence or a tangled side effect of all of 387 00:23:48.119 --> 00:23:53.039 us being too close, too interconnected. I called Christen that evening, 388 00:23:53.079 --> 00:23:55.960 trying to sound casual. I saw your charge at the 389 00:23:55.960 --> 00:23:58.920 hotel bar last week. I said, did you two run 390 00:23:58.960 --> 00:24:02.200 into another delay? She fumbled for a second. Something I 391 00:24:02.240 --> 00:24:05.519 heard in the stutter between her words. Yeah. We were just, 392 00:24:05.720 --> 00:24:08.039 you know, on our way back from the contractor meeting, 393 00:24:08.319 --> 00:24:10.680 and Jeff wanted to check out the tile display in 394 00:24:10.759 --> 00:24:13.559 the lobby. We just grabbed a quick drink. They had 395 00:24:13.559 --> 00:24:17.920 a great happy hour. She moved on quickly, asking if 396 00:24:17.960 --> 00:24:22.079 I'd seen the tile samples she left in my mail box. Later, 397 00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:24.599 I forced myself to face Mark when we ran into 398 00:24:24.640 --> 00:24:28.119 each other by our trash bins. He mentioned off handedly 399 00:24:28.440 --> 00:24:32.680 how much time Kristen was spending helping Jeff. I watched 400 00:24:32.680 --> 00:24:35.480 his eyes as he realized out loud how often both 401 00:24:35.519 --> 00:24:38.680