WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.000 The city was soft and powdery with last light. When 2 00:00:06.040 --> 00:00:08.240 I came home, that pink blue haze of late March, 3 00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:10.560 all the high rises reflecting a skin of forget from 4 00:00:10.560 --> 00:00:12.519 the silver or the well deed with itself. After six 5 00:00:12.599 --> 00:00:15.519 p m. I double checked the elevator mirrors. Out of habit, 6 00:00:15.560 --> 00:00:18.120 a dark green dress, hair up musca, just a little 7 00:00:18.120 --> 00:00:20.239 smudge at the corners, the kind of smudge that looked 8 00:00:20.280 --> 00:00:23.239 intentional if you squinted. My shoes felt too tight after 9 00:00:23.239 --> 00:00:25.079 ten hours in them. I bent my toe in winced, 10 00:00:25.079 --> 00:00:27.480 then juggled my antetote and left of for Prosoto Christini 11 00:00:27.480 --> 00:00:30.920 offered party detritus, breathing out Almost home, the condor glowed 12 00:00:30.920 --> 00:00:32.520 as I turned the key eath and always turned on 13 00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:35.719 the lamps before dusk, and everything had that cozy, burnished look, 14 00:00:35.759 --> 00:00:38.079 firm shadows across the white walls, our books, a half 15 00:00:38.119 --> 00:00:40.479 drunken misake along low shelves, the table set with the 16 00:00:40.479 --> 00:00:43.119 indifference of a couple who take comfort for granted. I 17 00:00:43.159 --> 00:00:45.280 could hear Ethan's force before I saw him low in 18 00:00:45.359 --> 00:00:48.840 the dining alcohove, just a murmur. It was deliberate, carefully 19 00:00:48.840 --> 00:00:50.960 modulated in a way that made me pause, just inside 20 00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:53.240 the door, letting my hand linger too long on the doornup. 21 00:00:53.880 --> 00:00:57.799 Not angry, not exactly secretive, just measured. It wasn't how 22 00:00:57.799 --> 00:00:59.960 Ethan sounded when talking to a client or a friend. 23 00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:03.399 And yeah, I just I can't talk right now. I'll 24 00:01:03.399 --> 00:01:08.319 text you later, Okay, a pause, then softer, No, it's fine, 25 00:01:08.359 --> 00:01:11.760 but I'm cheese yeah, bouquet later. The words trailed off 26 00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:13.799 as I stepped further inside, the little clatter of my 27 00:01:13.879 --> 00:01:15.879 keys in a bowl, the squeak of my shoes on wood. 28 00:01:16.519 --> 00:01:19.879 Ethan's footsteps fast. He rounded the corner, his phone already 29 00:01:19.879 --> 00:01:23.000 sliding into a back pocket screen facing in. He gave 30 00:01:23.040 --> 00:01:27.079 me a two bright smile, Hey, late night. I smiled too, 31 00:01:27.200 --> 00:01:29.400 but it was the kind you offer strangers and elevators, 32 00:01:29.439 --> 00:01:32.560 surface deep and self aware. Run over at the office 33 00:01:32.719 --> 00:01:35.239 had to be social and now replete with many kishes you. 34 00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:37.840 He glanced at the table where my cold Cristina were 35 00:01:37.840 --> 00:01:41.439 bound on a napkin, then back at me. Just foundation stuff, 36 00:01:41.519 --> 00:01:44.120 you know. A flick across his face. I couldn't tell 37 00:01:44.120 --> 00:01:46.000 if it was worry or relief, but it slid away 38 00:01:46.000 --> 00:01:48.439 before I could get a handle on it. He reached 39 00:01:48.439 --> 00:01:50.359 to take my toe, pecked me on the cheek and 40 00:01:50.400 --> 00:01:52.480 told me to sit that he pour a glass of wine, 41 00:01:52.719 --> 00:01:55.200 that I was officially done networking for the night, and 42 00:01:55.280 --> 00:01:57.640 I let him. I wanted it all to feel easy. 43 00:01:57.719 --> 00:01:59.920 The way coming home to Ethan used to familiar tea, 44 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.760 seeing two people on the same page. He poured two 45 00:02:02.760 --> 00:02:05.239 glasses overfilled mine a little away he always used to 46 00:02:05.239 --> 00:02:09.159 a small fawn carelessness. Still, something sat between us, like 47 00:02:09.199 --> 00:02:11.639 an old secret or a dead you couldn't quite voice. 48 00:02:11.719 --> 00:02:13.479 He had this thin band of sweat at the hairline, 49 00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:16.120 even though the condo was cool. He tossed his phone 50 00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:18.000 on to the sideboard, but not with the old abandon 51 00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:20.240 The scream was angled down just out of my sight. 52 00:02:20.800 --> 00:02:23.400 We ate standing at the counter, shearing left over bread 53 00:02:23.439 --> 00:02:26.000 and cheese. He chatted about an artist who had just 54 00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:28.439 been shortlisted for some grant, and I tried to follow. 55 00:02:28.520 --> 00:02:30.479 He spoke about ten words for every one I could 56 00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:32.879 get in, like he was hurrying me past something. I 57 00:02:32.919 --> 00:02:35.199 asked about the weekend, about whether we might finally use 58 00:02:35.240 --> 00:02:37.800 the concert tickets had brought us for Sunday. He WinCE, 59 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:41.680 checking his phone, quickly hiding his reaction. Let me double check. 60 00:02:41.680 --> 00:02:43.960 There might be a retreat thing, but it's not said yet. 61 00:02:44.560 --> 00:02:47.719 Find I thought, just another one of Ethan's fixations. But 62 00:02:47.800 --> 00:02:50.560 as we cleared away the greasy napkins, I heard myself say, 63 00:02:50.680 --> 00:02:52.919 you could say no to these things sometimes, you know. 64 00:02:53.639 --> 00:02:55.639 His hand paws on the falset, and for a second 65 00:02:55.680 --> 00:02:58.599 our eyes met. It's just a busy season, he said, 66 00:02:58.639 --> 00:03:01.919 and looked down, scrubbing hard. That night, he rolled away 67 00:03:01.919 --> 00:03:03.919 from me in bed before I'd even set my alarm, 68 00:03:04.000 --> 00:03:06.199 throthing the sheets like he needed to claim his own space. 69 00:03:06.840 --> 00:03:08.800 It was two feet of separation, but it felt like 70 00:03:08.840 --> 00:03:11.960 a lock. I watched the ceiling shadows stretching and shifting, 71 00:03:12.000 --> 00:03:14.240 listening to the hum of traffic far below, replaying the 72 00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:17.560 evening again and again. My mind kept circling one childish, 73 00:03:17.759 --> 00:03:20.159 mortifying thought. Who was on the other end of that call? 74 00:03:20.759 --> 00:03:23.479 Seep didn't come easy. When I finally he did, it 75 00:03:23.599 --> 00:03:25.960 was shallow, full of restless half dreams about long table 76 00:03:26.039 --> 00:03:29.240 cepha parties. I hadn't been invited to. Mornings with Ethan 77 00:03:29.280 --> 00:03:31.479 always used to start with coffee and half joking fights 78 00:03:31.520 --> 00:03:34.319 about who'd forgotten laundry in the dryer. I'd hated how 79 00:03:34.360 --> 00:03:36.560 predictable it was, and now I missed it the way 80 00:03:36.639 --> 00:03:40.080 miss bad ninety s. It comes easy, safe, boring. Now 81 00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:42.039 he was up ahead of me, already buttoned into a 82 00:03:42.039 --> 00:03:44.280 crisp shirt he never used to wear, Scrolling intently on 83 00:03:44.360 --> 00:03:47.080 his phone at the window, I started water for coffee, 84 00:03:47.159 --> 00:03:50.120 letting the clatter of mugs fill the silence. I tried 85 00:03:50.120 --> 00:03:53.000 to laugh a little. He interviewing for CEO to day. 86 00:03:53.599 --> 00:03:57.400 He smiled, distracted eyes on his screen, just foundation stuff. 87 00:03:58.080 --> 00:04:01.199 He pocketed the phone again. When had Ethan started caring 88 00:04:01.240 --> 00:04:04.199 so much about the dam or its foundation? Six months ago? 89 00:04:04.240 --> 00:04:06.719 He'd only heard about a peripherally background noise from a 90 00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:10.280 client somewhere between that first gala, and now it seemed 91 00:04:10.319 --> 00:04:13.360 like his entire world had re arranged. It was strange, 92 00:04:13.360 --> 00:04:15.599 in the way seeing your handwriting in someone else's block 93 00:04:15.719 --> 00:04:19.000 letters would be strange, Something familiar rendered totally foreign. The 94 00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:22.040 rest of the dayticked by a familiar, lurching crawl. My 95 00:04:22.120 --> 00:04:25.120 office was a lean, gleaming corridor of glass and giant monitors, 96 00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:27.759 fol ekxs, bose pipes, and the endlessly recycled air of 97 00:04:27.759 --> 00:04:31.480 startle culture. I immersed myself in e mails, campaigned time minds. 98 00:04:31.680 --> 00:04:34.000 But even in meetings, my mind snagged on odd moments 99 00:04:34.000 --> 00:04:36.639 from the night before, cataloging the me Ethan's suddom, preoccupation 100 00:04:36.759 --> 00:04:38.560 with his feign, the careful way he'd ended his call 101 00:04:38.600 --> 00:04:41.480 when he thought I wouldn't notice. At lunch, I let 102 00:04:41.560 --> 00:04:44.240 Janet from h R dragged me to far. We compared 103 00:04:44.240 --> 00:04:47.879 weekend plans, commiserated over missmannished budgets, and I heard myself 104 00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:50.480 mention Ethan's new passion for art philanthropy like it was 105 00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:54.399 a punch line. You know men, Janet said iroly. My 106 00:04:54.519 --> 00:04:57.000 Derek spent a year obsessed with the Portuguese that least 107 00:04:57.040 --> 00:05:00.600 Jaws is getting out everyone. It seemed a story about 108 00:05:00.600 --> 00:05:02.720 a partner abruptly acquiring a hobby and letting it take 109 00:05:02.759 --> 00:05:06.959 over their lives. I smiled, nodded, filed it away. Maybe 110 00:05:07.000 --> 00:05:09.800 that was all the souls. Mid afternoon, I checked our 111 00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:13.199 shared calendars, something we'd always kept to coordinate travel, work, dinners, 112 00:05:13.360 --> 00:05:17.720 lazy Sunday, moving marathons, two foundation meetings blocked weekly, plus 113 00:05:17.800 --> 00:05:21.120 several board retreat preps. I hadn't noticed before. The entries 114 00:05:21.160 --> 00:05:23.759 went from Ethan just his initials and a string of 115 00:05:23.759 --> 00:05:27.000 impersonal mechanical giggle events, all color coded the muddy green 116 00:05:27.040 --> 00:05:30.040 of obligation. Back home that night, Ethan burst through the 117 00:05:30.079 --> 00:05:32.000 door with the kind of energy he reserved for his 118 00:05:32.040 --> 00:05:35.319 best design projects. He hugged me quick and eager, then 119 00:05:35.360 --> 00:05:38.160 started talking out the foundation's next fundrais or retreat upstate 120 00:05:38.279 --> 00:05:40.160 like it was the scent piece of the AAR. He 121 00:05:40.240 --> 00:05:43.680 spun plans, guest lists, impact metrics, all these strange little 122 00:05:43.720 --> 00:05:46.839 details he never cared about before. He used words I 123 00:05:46.920 --> 00:05:50.560 genuinely never heard him say, fiscal sponsorship, curatorial exchange, a 124 00:05:50.680 --> 00:05:54.079 residency pipeline. I tried to keep up. Is this the 125 00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:56.160 foundation you were just working with for that Yale thing? 126 00:05:56.759 --> 00:06:00.000 I asked? Or is it a new group? He nodded 127 00:06:00.199 --> 00:06:03.680 a little too quickly, Same foundation. They are really leveling up, 128 00:06:03.680 --> 00:06:06.240 almost all volunteer, but super ambitious. I think, how might 129 00:06:06.240 --> 00:06:08.720 get tap for the board next year? His eyes flickered 130 00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:11.360 across my face, lingering, as if he was searching for approval, 131 00:06:11.480 --> 00:06:14.639 or maybe just checking to see if I'd object. I shrugged. 132 00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:17.920 Sounds impressive. Should I be worried about my husband becoming 133 00:06:17.920 --> 00:06:20.439 and suffer a bim out of every opening? He laughed, 134 00:06:20.439 --> 00:06:23.639 full and real for just a second, then his phone buzzed. 135 00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:27.439 He checked his screen, not quite discreet. Want me to 136 00:06:27.480 --> 00:06:31.000 plan dinner next week? I tried, half joking, half hoping 137 00:06:31.000 --> 00:06:33.399 first sight i'd be included. Or should I wait for 138 00:06:33.439 --> 00:06:36.920 your social secretary to clear your schedule? Oh ah, he said, 139 00:06:37.079 --> 00:06:39.199 I think next week's book. There is a close board 140 00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:41.519 thing tedious. Really you wouldn't like it. Will do the 141 00:06:41.560 --> 00:06:44.639 restaurant thing another time, promise. He dropped a quick kiss 142 00:06:44.639 --> 00:06:46.600 on my forehead and for a second his hand linger 143 00:06:46.600 --> 00:06:49.360 to then buzz buzz another text, and his attention dart 144 00:06:49.399 --> 00:06:52.120 it away, thumb swift and the keyboard that was new 145 00:06:52.759 --> 00:06:54.600 Ethim was the guy who left his phone in the 146 00:06:54.639 --> 00:06:56.720 fridge once because he'd been too busy telling me a 147 00:06:56.759 --> 00:06:59.800 story about a jazz treer. He tard now the thing 148 00:06:59.879 --> 00:07:02.839 was never out of reach on the counter. It always 149 00:07:02.839 --> 00:07:05.879 faced down. If I passed the bathroom while he was inside, 150 00:07:05.920 --> 00:07:07.920 there was a faint, suspicious cut a phone back into 151 00:07:07.920 --> 00:07:10.399 a pocket of face down next to the sink. The 152 00:07:10.439 --> 00:07:13.279 first time I noticed, I just told myself, everyone gets 153 00:07:13.319 --> 00:07:16.959 busy gets swept up. We both had tunnel vision seasons before, 154 00:07:17.560 --> 00:07:20.120 but plans started changing at the last minute. Two dinners 155 00:07:20.120 --> 00:07:23.399 with old friends, canceled for unexpected meetings, then forgotten altogether 156 00:07:23.439 --> 00:07:27.279 until I'd already reminded him twice. Each time his explanations 157 00:07:27.319 --> 00:07:30.199 came out just a bit too detailed, almost rehearsed. Adam's 158 00:07:30.199 --> 00:07:32.720 flight was delayed, so the reservation got mixed up, and 159 00:07:32.720 --> 00:07:35.120 then Marco's got some client thing. It's a mess, Let's 160 00:07:35.120 --> 00:07:37.920 just do it next month. His apologies fell practiced on 161 00:07:37.920 --> 00:07:41.040 the surface, so apologetic and warm, but the rhythm was off. 162 00:07:41.040 --> 00:07:44.240 Too many words, not enough connection. I told myself I 163 00:07:44.279 --> 00:07:47.879 was being ridiculous. After all, if there were something truly wrong, 164 00:07:48.000 --> 00:07:50.560 wouldn't I know, wouldn't I sense it in the bones 165 00:07:50.600 --> 00:07:53.040 of my life? I was the practical one. I made 166 00:07:53.120 --> 00:07:55.920 lists about less Bound's check books, handled our vacation itineraries 167 00:07:55.959 --> 00:07:58.240 down to the minute. I wasn't the type to invent 168 00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:01.120 drama out of boredom. As the days ticked by, it though, 169 00:08:01.199 --> 00:08:03.839 I started to realize there were threads I was unconsciously pulling. 170 00:08:04.319 --> 00:08:07.120 Ethan's forne once abandoned in every room, now seemed like 171 00:08:07.160 --> 00:08:09.879 his most valued possession. He waved off my attempts to 172 00:08:09.879 --> 00:08:12.519 look up directions or playless on it and started locking 173 00:08:12.519 --> 00:08:15.680 his screen religiously. One afternoon, I tried to show him 174 00:08:15.680 --> 00:08:17.600 a meme on Instagram. He faked laugh and said he'd 175 00:08:17.680 --> 00:08:20.079 left his charger at the office, even as I spotted 176 00:08:20.079 --> 00:08:23.199 the cable coiled neatly in his jacket pocket. At their core, 177 00:08:23.319 --> 00:08:26.079 these are petty things, the kinds of things no one 178 00:08:26.079 --> 00:08:28.519 ever brings up directly, because they sounded like the paranoid 179 00:08:28.560 --> 00:08:31.240 obsessions of someone with too much free time. But the 180 00:08:31.319 --> 00:08:34.000 unease pressed in filling the conda's coroners swelling in the 181 00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:37.200 pauses of our conversations. There was a Friday night, about 182 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:39.720 a week later, when he came home much later than usual. 183 00:08:40.360 --> 00:08:42.960 His breath smelled of sweet craft cocktails, and he was 184 00:08:43.000 --> 00:08:45.720 flushed with enthusiasm. Tossing off names of new artists at 185 00:08:45.720 --> 00:08:49.919 the foundation, praising a genuinely transformative upcoming program, he floated 186 00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:53.080 the idea of an upstate fundraiser two days, visioning sessions 187 00:08:53.159 --> 00:08:56.519 more vital than anything the organization had done yet. We'll 188 00:08:56.519 --> 00:08:58.600 make a week end of it, he promised, assuming you 189 00:08:58.639 --> 00:09:01.320 can get away. I'd luck to you, I said, but 190 00:09:01.360 --> 00:09:03.519 maybe I'll need a little more notice than two hours. 191 00:09:04.159 --> 00:09:06.240 I tried to keep it light teasing, but I noticed 192 00:09:06.279 --> 00:09:09.720 he didn't press. He changed the subject, describing some insulation 193 00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:12.000 just acquiet, careful as always, not to mention who he 194 00:09:12.039 --> 00:09:14.799 spent a night with, not directly. The next day, he 195 00:09:14.879 --> 00:09:17.440 dug through the closet, pulling out suits I hadn't seen 196 00:09:17.480 --> 00:09:20.200 him were since our last trip to Chicago. He poured 197 00:09:20.200 --> 00:09:22.840 over shirts and ties, asking me which looked alike. I care, 198 00:09:22.919 --> 00:09:25.480 but not too much. I helped him choose because I 199 00:09:25.480 --> 00:09:27.679 always had, and watched him pack his duffel ducking in 200 00:09:27.759 --> 00:09:30.240 Cologne at Tabor I once bought him for our anniversary, 201 00:09:30.279 --> 00:09:32.279 and a new scarf for the label I didn't recognize, 202 00:09:32.360 --> 00:09:36.159 soft chockal faintly coloncented. He was gone all weekend, and 203 00:09:36.200 --> 00:09:38.799 by Sunday night, the apartment felt static. He was silence. 204 00:09:39.440 --> 00:09:42.039 I made myself dinner, scraul chap at blogs and tried 205 00:09:42.039 --> 00:09:44.759 not to count the hours. When he finally called, it 206 00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:47.200 was from a dim sounding room, lots of bright voices 207 00:09:47.240 --> 00:09:50.200 in the background, Missus, He said, in a hurried, rue 208 00:09:50.200 --> 00:09:53.120 mate voice, Monday's going to be aby, but I can't 209 00:09:53.159 --> 00:09:55.840 wait to see you tomorrow. I believed him, and I didn't. 210 00:09:56.480 --> 00:09:59.399 Monday morning, bleary eyed and unresolved, I hustled to catch 211 00:09:59.440 --> 00:10:02.399 up on a back lugo Vinviz's I'll admit it. I'm 212 00:10:02.440 --> 00:10:04.879 the sort of person who finds order in numbers, who 213 00:10:04.879 --> 00:10:08.360 sues and securities by color coding her existence. Our credit 214 00:10:08.360 --> 00:10:10.799 card statements lived in a shave folder, mostly because Ethan 215 00:10:10.840 --> 00:10:13.399 had always been too scatterbrain to remember which accounts worries 216 00:10:13.399 --> 00:10:16.600 in which were ours. I'd opened the latest PDF expecting 217 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:20.159 little more than a run of coffee shops and seamous charges. Instead, 218 00:10:20.200 --> 00:10:22.399 there were two consecutive charges from a rooftop bar in 219 00:10:22.440 --> 00:10:24.120 a part of Brooklyn we never went to, a place 220 00:10:24.159 --> 00:10:27.600 famous mostly for being hard to get into. Plus several 221 00:10:27.679 --> 00:10:30.440 left rights to neighborhoods Ethan had never mentioned visiting, each, 222 00:10:30.519 --> 00:10:33.399 conveniently corresponding with the time he'd been at the Foundation retreat. 223 00:10:33.919 --> 00:10:35.840 And then there was a charge for two hundred fifty 224 00:10:35.879 --> 00:10:38.000 dollars at a French bakery, the kind more suited for 225 00:10:38.039 --> 00:10:40.919 Instagram than breakfast. No one near our condo or his office. 226 00:10:41.480 --> 00:10:44.240 I stared hard at those lines, willing myself to uncover 227 00:10:44.360 --> 00:10:48.039 some obvious explanation, but nothing connected. A little o were 228 00:10:48.039 --> 00:10:51.320 on the list, A high and Scarfboudique Fifteen minutes later, 229 00:10:51.440 --> 00:10:53.240 I found that same scoff trip across the foot of 230 00:10:53.279 --> 00:10:55.840 our bed. I picked that up for the fundraiser auction, 231 00:10:56.200 --> 00:10:58.440 Than said when I asked a little too quickly as 232 00:10:58.440 --> 00:11:01.320 he wandered through the living room and a nibate. It's 233 00:11:01.320 --> 00:11:03.200 one of those do good deed, feel good things. The 234 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:06.720 Foundation like supscale stuff. Now apparently, he smiled, but the 235 00:11:06.799 --> 00:11:09.519 edges were brittle. For the first time in a long while, 236 00:11:09.600 --> 00:11:13.279 I didn't believe him, not fully. I wanted to, though, 237 00:11:13.440 --> 00:11:15.320 so badly. I could feel the want nodding up behind 238 00:11:15.320 --> 00:11:18.360 my sternum. Later that evening, I mentioned the overnight hotel 239 00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:21.120 charge during our habitual kitchen chat, after I'd made us 240 00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:23.120 both tea and set out a share plate of chocolate. 241 00:11:23.600 --> 00:11:25.480 I didn't know the Foundation was putting people up at 242 00:11:25.519 --> 00:11:30.039 the Willoughby. Isn't that kind of fancy for nonprofits? Ethan shrugged. Oh, 243 00:11:30.159 --> 00:11:32.399 it's a long story. They had overflow, so a few 244 00:11:32.399 --> 00:11:34.519 of us booked rooms and got it. Re embarrassed. Everyone 245 00:11:34.639 --> 00:11:37.639 just crams together, no perks, trust me. Hope you at 246 00:11:37.720 --> 00:11:40.519 least got your own bed, he half laughed, eyes darting 247 00:11:40.519 --> 00:11:43.159 from mine to the fridge and back. Barely saw the 248 00:11:43.240 --> 00:11:46.279 room except to sleep. It's more exhausting than it sounds. Wretch. 249 00:11:46.919 --> 00:11:49.200 I filed the story away, comparing it in my head 250 00:11:49.200 --> 00:11:51.279 to every hotel stay we'd ever shared. How Ethan had 251 00:11:51.320 --> 00:11:53.480 once made a big production out of getting us upgraded, 252 00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:55.440 how he always bragged about the views of the bar. 253 00:11:56.200 --> 00:11:58.960 Now he made these trips sound like grim duty. It 254 00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:01.679 wasn't just the spending, it was the way he dressed. 255 00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:03.720 One had Ethan cared so much about which time match, 256 00:12:03.799 --> 00:12:07.559 which jacket for dinners. He started whirring coffins, swapping out 257 00:12:07.559 --> 00:12:10.720 the ragged graphic tees he'd always called his trademark. His 258 00:12:10.840 --> 00:12:14.799 hair was expertly touseled instead of carelessly messy. At first, 259 00:12:14.919 --> 00:12:16.840 I told myself this was good, that everyone deserved to 260 00:12:16.840 --> 00:12:19.039 glow up now and then. But it felt like I 261 00:12:19.120 --> 00:12:21.240 wasn't part of the picture, like he was getting ready 262 00:12:21.240 --> 00:12:24.600 for some one else's lighting. A've routine slipped too. He 263 00:12:24.679 --> 00:12:27.000 missed us standing day at Lusia, the little tratorio where 264 00:12:27.039 --> 00:12:29.600 we spent every First Thursday for years. I got a 265 00:12:29.679 --> 00:12:32.120 text at four seventeen p m. Hey, sorry, it's so 266 00:12:32.159 --> 00:12:35.039 exhausted from strategic planning with the foundation. Can we raincheck, 267 00:12:35.159 --> 00:12:38.039 love You. Strategic planning wasn't his freeze. It belonged to 268 00:12:38.080 --> 00:12:40.720 the likes of PowerPoint wielding MBA's not the man whose 269 00:12:40.720 --> 00:12:43.799 phone once held more memes than meetings. I ate alone 270 00:12:43.799 --> 00:12:46.879 that night, absently counting every mention of Meyer, the Foundation's 271 00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:50.559 new program director, in his Instagram feed. Our friends seemed 272 00:12:50.559 --> 00:12:52.559 to notice the change before I could say it aloud. 273 00:12:53.240 --> 00:12:55.559 The party hosted by Adam, one of Ethan's grad school 274 00:12:55.559 --> 00:12:57.200 But as I found myself on the margins of a 275 00:12:57.279 --> 00:13:00.360 conversation hearing two artists types talk about Ethan's news crowd, 276 00:13:00.960 --> 00:13:03.240 one a slightly older woman who wants declared eat the 277 00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:06.440 Euroscarb's passe nudged me conspiratorially. You know, he's a total 278 00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:09.759 celebrity to the new foundation. Posse right, He's always glowing lately, 279 00:13:09.879 --> 00:13:12.919 though a little distracted. He keeping him sane A laugh 280 00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:16.960 the sound thin, Well, someone has to but a clock 281 00:13:17.000 --> 00:13:20.559 the comment distracted, gloring neither words I had chosen lately. 282 00:13:21.120 --> 00:13:23.399 When Ethan finally did invite me along to a Foundation 283 00:13:23.519 --> 00:13:25.559 happy hour, I jumped at the chance. Maybe I'd been 284 00:13:25.559 --> 00:13:28.320 making something out of nothing. After all, the space was 285 00:13:28.360 --> 00:13:31.679 cheken open, furnished, with mismatched beast row tables and neon sculptures. 286 00:13:32.279 --> 00:13:35.600 Ethan greeted people with hugs, cops on backs. He introduced 287 00:13:35.600 --> 00:13:38.200 me to my charcoal pencil skirt, bright scarf, a halo 288 00:13:38.240 --> 00:13:41.559 of tight curls, big silver earrings. She smiled, reached to 289 00:13:41.559 --> 00:13:43.399 tuck a call behind one ear, then reached out for 290 00:13:43.440 --> 00:13:46.639 a hand chickenstead. There was knees and intimacy between the 291 00:13:46.759 --> 00:13:49.600 mile after Dethan's jokes about wore stories from from Draising Hell, 292 00:13:50.039 --> 00:13:52.000 and Ethan in turn beamed at her in a way 293 00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:54.000 I hadn't seen him beam at anyone since that first 294 00:13:54.039 --> 00:13:56.639 summer we started dating. I asked how long she'd been 295 00:13:56.639 --> 00:14:00.799 with the Foundation, three months. She said, life longer when 296 00:14:00.840 --> 00:14:04.000 you're in a fox Altogether. Ethan, grind leaping an arm 297 00:14:04.000 --> 00:14:07.720 around my way, suggestured I felt suddenly like performance. Meyer 298 00:14:07.759 --> 00:14:09.720 asked about my work. What cut me out of bed 299 00:14:09.759 --> 00:14:12.320 in the morning. It was all polite, surface, deep, and 300 00:14:12.360 --> 00:14:14.799 I walked away from her, feeling displaced, like I had stepped 301 00:14:14.799 --> 00:14:18.480 into a photograph of someone else's evening. Later, nursing my drink, 302 00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:20.639 I overheard a friend of Oa's curR who could never 303 00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:22.840 keep a secret to mention to another, I saw Ethan 304 00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:25.320 and my growd in Coffilas's Saturday look like they were 305 00:14:25.320 --> 00:14:28.240 in deep. She said it like a compliment work spouses, 306 00:14:28.279 --> 00:14:30.600 what a team. But Ethan had told me he'd been 307 00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:32.639 a slight visit on the other side of the city. 308 00:14:33.240 --> 00:14:37.200 The little lies began to crystallize. Not one big headline lied, 309 00:14:37.279 --> 00:14:41.159 just a constellation of omissions, misdirections, mix ups. It was 310 00:14:41.279 --> 00:14:44.360 enough to make me start keeping mental tally. Early morning 311 00:14:44.399 --> 00:14:47.200 runs that turned into three hour absences were turning with 312 00:14:47.240 --> 00:14:49.960 half pausible stories about lost key's or her surprise board 313 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:53.200 breakfast inside jokes had no longer landed. That made Ethan 314 00:14:53.279 --> 00:14:56.559 smile grimmy and changed the subject. Nights, I'd wait to 315 00:14:56.559 --> 00:14:58.799 find him hunched over his laptop, the light pale and 316 00:14:58.840 --> 00:15:01.200 ghostly on his face. Inge is fast on the keyboard. 317 00:15:01.759 --> 00:15:03.799 If I drew near, he'd flip the screen down, claim 318 00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:06.279 it was drafts for the Foundation blog, then follow me 319 00:15:06.320 --> 00:15:08.360 back to bed with the practice I Love you Sorry. 320 00:15:08.360 --> 00:15:11.039 I was up so lay. I told myself a story 321 00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:13.480 that I was being perenoid, that everyone goes three D 322 00:15:13.639 --> 00:15:15.720 seasons of drifting, waded by the tides of some one 323 00:15:15.720 --> 00:15:19.039 else's passion of career stress, but the doubts pressed in 324 00:15:19.240 --> 00:15:22.679 constant and sharp. The real breach came one Friday evening. 325 00:15:22.879 --> 00:15:26.240 In the smallest way. I found an envelope on Ethan's dresser, 326 00:15:26.279 --> 00:15:29.039 an elegant navy rectangulumboss with the logo of the Willoughfy 327 00:15:29.120 --> 00:15:32.399 the same bautique chain from the retreat receipts inside a 328 00:15:32.440 --> 00:15:36.200 small handriton card thanks for last night am. When I 329 00:15:36.240 --> 00:15:38.240 showed it to Ethan that night, keeping my tone as 330 00:15:38.279 --> 00:15:40.120 casual as I could, he cocked his head and offered 331 00:15:40.120 --> 00:15:42.639 a too quick laugh. Oh that my route. Those for 332 00:15:42.679 --> 00:15:44.519 the donors, just to thank you card from an event. 333 00:15:44.639 --> 00:15:47.519 She makes a point of handwriting gimmick to losen persistings. 334 00:15:47.879 --> 00:15:49.679 He took the card, tossed it on to his pile 335 00:15:49.720 --> 00:15:51.639 of on red mail, and darted away to the kitchen 336 00:15:51.639 --> 00:15:54.840 to start dinner. I spent that week and second guessing myself, 337 00:15:54.879 --> 00:15:57.639 embarrassment prickling behind my eyelies every time I remembered how 338 00:15:57.639 --> 00:16:00.679 I'd asked about the card. Maybe he was right, Maybe 339 00:16:00.679 --> 00:16:02.320 it was just a car for a donor, and I 340 00:16:02.399 --> 00:16:04.720 was turning into someone I wouldn't have liked three months ago. 341 00:16:05.360 --> 00:16:08.320 By Monday, though exhaustion gave way to a new determination. 342 00:16:08.919 --> 00:16:11.320 I spent two I was plotting out our finances, toggling 343 00:16:11.320 --> 00:16:14.120 through months of statements. I was looking for something, but 344 00:16:14.159 --> 00:16:15.919 I couldn't have said what. I just wanted the relief 345 00:16:15.919 --> 00:16:18.960 of certainty. There were the same anomalies and other charge 346 00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:21.000 at the Willoughby, this time with a breakfast ortag just 347 00:16:21.080 --> 00:16:23.200 for two, a small jewey store I'd never heard of, 348 00:16:23.480 --> 00:16:27.000 just blots from Maya's office. Ethan started missing more dinners, 349 00:16:27.039 --> 00:16:29.120 citing this mess of a grant cycle, and blamed the 350 00:16:29.159 --> 00:16:32.240 mounting stress for the tension between us. He was different 351 00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:34.720 at home, polite, attentive on the surface, but not truly 352 00:16:34.759 --> 00:16:37.320 present when we spoke. It was as though he were 353 00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:40.559 translating himself, offering an approved script rather than his real thoughts. 354 00:16:41.279 --> 00:16:44.039 I started noticing my coaggressions, him correcting my stories in 355 00:16:44.039 --> 00:16:47.080 front of friends, complimenting myye's taste in wine, rolling his 356 00:16:47.159 --> 00:16:49.919 eyes when I mentioned a marketing project. None of it 357 00:16:49.960 --> 00:16:52.480 was overtly unkind, but it all had the same subtle edge. 358 00:16:52.519 --> 00:16:54.919 Who were not in this world with me anymore? I 359 00:16:55.000 --> 00:16:57.440 reached out to our mutual friend, Claire, who just joined 360 00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:00.200 the Foundations board. We hadn't seen much of eats Shall 361 00:17:00.200 --> 00:17:03.559 though lately, a casualty, perhaps of the shifting tides. She 362 00:17:03.639 --> 00:17:05.880 answered my text after an awkward delay, and when I 363 00:17:05.880 --> 00:17:07.920 met her for lunch, she seemed nervous, picking at her 364 00:17:07.960 --> 00:17:11.039 salad and glancing at the door several times. After we'd 365 00:17:11.079 --> 00:17:12.799 caught up, and after I made a jerk about being 366 00:17:12.839 --> 00:17:15.440 a Foundation widder, I asked if she'd noticed anything odd 367 00:17:15.440 --> 00:17:19.440 about even lately. She hesitated, then looked at her lap. Look, 368 00:17:19.680 --> 00:17:21.720 I don't want to get in the middle ratch, but 369 00:17:21.799 --> 00:17:24.160 people talk. Ethan's seen as a kind of golden boy 370 00:17:24.200 --> 00:17:26.519 there him and Maa. Well, it's a close partnership, and 371 00:17:26.599 --> 00:17:29.519 people like to read into things, you know. She finally 372 00:17:29.559 --> 00:17:32.240 looked up. I was soft, but worried. I'm not saying 373 00:17:32.279 --> 00:17:35.680 anything's happening, but Darrow whispers that's all. That night, I 374 00:17:35.720 --> 00:17:37.400 tried to bring it up as gently as I could. 375 00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:40.160 People seemed to think Hugh and Meyer are a team. 376 00:17:40.440 --> 00:17:43.200 Ethan put down his phone, his jaw tightening ever so slightly. 377 00:17:43.880 --> 00:17:48.039 Is that a problem, No, I just wondered, We work closely. 378 00:17:48.119 --> 00:17:51.359 Sure she's good at her job. He shifted the subject, 379 00:17:51.400 --> 00:17:54.319 launching into a complaint about grand reporting and the opening clothes. 380 00:17:55.000 --> 00:17:56.920 It may sound strange, but one of the things I 381 00:17:56.920 --> 00:17:59.319 struggle with Mrst was how alone I felt in my suspicion. 382 00:17:59.799 --> 00:18:03.079 For years, our life together had been defined by easy transparency. 383 00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:05.839 Even when we thought about money, about word of vacation, 384 00:18:05.880 --> 00:18:08.079 about whose turn it was to get groceries. The solutions 385 00:18:08.079 --> 00:18:12.319 had been obvious, talk it out, take a walk, split 386 00:18:12.319 --> 00:18:16.119 the billing. Now every attempt at conversation felt engineered. Ethan 387 00:18:16.200 --> 00:18:17.920 was dancing me away from what I wanted to say, 388 00:18:18.000 --> 00:18:22.240 parrying each opening. Sometimes he'd deflect with enthusiasm, becoming effusive 389 00:18:22.279 --> 00:18:25.519 and chatty about some new artists or event. Other Times 390 00:18:25.599 --> 00:18:29.160 he'd get testy, insisting I was being insecure reading into things. 391 00:18:29.720 --> 00:18:31.920 When I caught him sitting on the balcony phone pressed 392 00:18:31.920 --> 00:18:34.240 to his ear after midnight, his explanation was always some 393 00:18:34.440 --> 00:18:37.039 urgent board called Coals that always ended when I showed up, 394 00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:39.480 calls that never seemed to produce a record of outcomes. 395 00:18:40.079 --> 00:18:42.279 A few nights later, lying in bed, I rolled over 396 00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:45.039 and tried to close the space between us. I pressed 397 00:18:45.079 --> 00:18:47.039 my hand to his back, letting my fingers rest on 398 00:18:47.039 --> 00:18:50.279 his shoulder blade. I feel far from you lately, I murmured. 399 00:18:50.839 --> 00:18:54.160 He shifted, turning away further, pretending not to hear. His 400 00:18:54.240 --> 00:18:57.400 breathing was slow. Even within minutes, he was fake snoring. 401 00:18:58.039 --> 00:19:00.160