WEBVTT 1 00:00:14.240 --> 00:00:18.600 Welcome to grief. Let's make sense of this shit. I'm Dylan, 2 00:00:18.800 --> 00:00:20.879 and I am glad you are here with me right now. 3 00:00:21.679 --> 00:00:24.760 Many listeners reach out after a loss and notice relief 4 00:00:24.800 --> 00:00:28.280 sitting right next to sadness. That mix can feel surprising, 5 00:00:28.359 --> 00:00:31.440 yet it arrives often when the relationship carried both love 6 00:00:31.559 --> 00:00:36.240 and strain. Today we turn to the working title Grief 7 00:00:36.280 --> 00:00:40.679 Complicated Bond, Love and Pain. After a hard relationship, the 8 00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:44.240 focus stays on bonds that were never simple. You are 9 00:00:44.280 --> 00:00:47.119 welcome to stay for the full conversation, even when the 10 00:00:47.119 --> 00:00:51.560 emotions feel tangled together. However, some days the relief brings 11 00:00:51.600 --> 00:00:56.280 its own guilt, while the sadness refuses to line up neatly. Meanwhile, 12 00:00:56.320 --> 00:00:59.320 the truth is that grief does not require the relationship 13 00:00:59.359 --> 00:01:02.520 to have been easy or kind. In fact, people often 14 00:01:02.600 --> 00:01:06.640 carry both gratitude and hurt long after the person is gone. Therefore, 15 00:01:06.680 --> 00:01:09.560 this episode names the specific type of grief that shows 16 00:01:09.680 --> 00:01:13.480 up in complicated bonds because those connections leave marks that 17 00:01:13.519 --> 00:01:16.719 do not fade on any set schedule. Although the feelings 18 00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:19.079 may shift from one hour to the next, they still 19 00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:22.879 deserve space. Since the bond held both warmth and weight. 20 00:01:23.319 --> 00:01:27.640 The morning process can reflect that same mix. The reality 21 00:01:27.799 --> 00:01:30.480 is you do not need to sort every emotion before 22 00:01:30.519 --> 00:01:33.560 you listen. Instead, we sit with the reality that love 23 00:01:33.560 --> 00:01:36.480 and pain can share the same story. For example, a 24 00:01:36.519 --> 00:01:39.159 person may miss the good moments while also feeling lighter 25 00:01:39.200 --> 00:01:43.760 without the difficult ones. Plus those two experiences do not 26 00:01:44.040 --> 00:01:47.799 cancel each other out. Ultimately, the episode centers on this 27 00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:51.359 complicated bond grief because it shows up when the relationship 28 00:01:51.439 --> 00:01:55.560 asked a lot and gave back in uneven ways. Although 29 00:01:55.560 --> 00:01:58.359 it may not match common stories of loss, the weight 30 00:01:58.439 --> 00:02:03.079 remains real. Therefore, we begin by recognizing that tangled grief 31 00:02:03.159 --> 00:02:06.920 belongs here too, Because the feelings do not always line 32 00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:10.319 up neatly, some losses carry an extra layer of confusion 33 00:02:10.400 --> 00:02:13.360 right from the start. This kind of grief happens when 34 00:02:13.400 --> 00:02:16.120 the person who died was someone you loved and someone 35 00:02:16.159 --> 00:02:19.840 who also caused real pain while they were alive. Researchers 36 00:02:19.840 --> 00:02:23.719 at the American Psychiatric Association include this experience under the 37 00:02:23.759 --> 00:02:27.800 d s M five t R criteria for persistent complex bereavement. 38 00:02:28.199 --> 00:02:32.400 Because the bond itself was never simple. The relationship could 39 00:02:32.439 --> 00:02:34.759 have been with a parent who offered care one moment 40 00:02:34.840 --> 00:02:37.960 and criticism the next. It might have been a partner 41 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:41.879 where affection mixed with arguments that never found resolution, or 42 00:02:41.919 --> 00:02:44.319 it could have been a sibling where shared history included 43 00:02:44.319 --> 00:02:48.840 both closeness and repeated hurt. In each case, the loss 44 00:02:48.919 --> 00:02:51.639 leaves behind a mix that refuses to settle into one 45 00:02:51.759 --> 00:02:56.159 clear emotion. Because of that mix, the grief often lands 46 00:02:56.159 --> 00:03:00.840 differently than other losses. Relief can arrive alongside sadness, and 47 00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:04.719 the relief itself brings another wave of guilt. Anger can 48 00:03:04.759 --> 00:03:07.439 surface even though the person is gone, and then guilt 49 00:03:07.479 --> 00:03:11.680 follows again because anger feels wrong to hold. Meanwhile, the 50 00:03:11.719 --> 00:03:14.680 good memories refuse to stay separate from the difficult ones, 51 00:03:15.039 --> 00:03:18.240 so every recall carries both comfort and tension at once. 52 00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:22.319 Although many people expect grief to move in one direction, 53 00:03:23.080 --> 00:03:26.479 this version stays tangled because the connection was tangled to 54 00:03:26.520 --> 00:03:29.639 begin with. The episode will look at why that difference 55 00:03:29.680 --> 00:03:33.680 matters and how the emotions keep circling without a clear order. 56 00:03:34.639 --> 00:03:38.719 Since the bond held both love and pain, the morning 57 00:03:38.759 --> 00:03:41.960 process has to make room for both instead of trying 58 00:03:41.960 --> 00:03:46.439 to separate them into neat parts. That difference shows up 59 00:03:46.439 --> 00:03:50.159 in small daily moments. You might notice yourself starting a 60 00:03:50.199 --> 00:03:53.199 sentence as if the person were still there, and then 61 00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:56.719 remember the last argument you had, or you might feel 62 00:03:56.759 --> 00:03:59.680 a sudden softness toward them, followed quickly by the memory 63 00:03:59.719 --> 00:04:03.960 of something that still stings. These shifts do not cancel 64 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:08.759 each other out. They simply exist together because the relationship 65 00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:14.039 itself contained both sides. While other losses allow grief to 66 00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:17.759 focus on what was taken, this one keeps asking what 67 00:04:17.800 --> 00:04:24.040 the relationship actually was. The American Psychiatric Association DSM five 68 00:04:24.199 --> 00:04:30.240 TR criteria note that persistent complex bereavement can include these prolonged, 69 00:04:30.240 --> 00:04:35.800 conflicting feelings when the bond carried unresolved elements. That recognition 70 00:04:36.199 --> 00:04:39.360 helps explain why the sadness refuses to follow a single 71 00:04:39.439 --> 00:04:42.680 path and why the guilt over any lighter moment feels 72 00:04:42.800 --> 00:04:47.240 especially sharp because the conflict was ongoing. The absence does 73 00:04:47.279 --> 00:04:51.439 not automatically bring peace. Instead, the absence creates space for 74 00:04:51.519 --> 00:04:54.319 both the missing and the relief to sit side by side. 75 00:04:54.879 --> 00:04:57.439 That side by side quality is what makes this grief 76 00:04:57.480 --> 00:05:00.920 feel distinct. It asks for room to hold the full 77 00:05:01.000 --> 00:05:04.759 picture rather than a cleaned up version of the relationship. 78 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:08.879 The episode will explore those layers without rushing them into 79 00:05:08.920 --> 00:05:12.839 any particular order. Right now though, I want to share 80 00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:15.120 a brief moment from my own life that brought this 81 00:05:15.160 --> 00:05:18.600 into focus for me. My father and I had a 82 00:05:18.600 --> 00:05:23.399 long stretch where every conversation ended with raised voices, Yet 83 00:05:23.399 --> 00:05:26.040 there were also quiet evenings when he taught me how 84 00:05:26.040 --> 00:05:29.399 to fix small things around the house. After he died, 85 00:05:29.480 --> 00:05:32.879 the first weeks felt like two separate tracks running at once. 86 00:05:34.040 --> 00:05:37.120 One track held the arguments that still echoed, and the 87 00:05:37.160 --> 00:05:40.439 other held those quiet evenings that I missed without warning. 88 00:05:41.079 --> 00:05:44.959 The tracks never merged into one feeling. They simply kept 89 00:05:45.079 --> 00:05:47.560 running next to each other, and that was the part 90 00:05:47.600 --> 00:05:51.160 that surprised me most. I want to share something with you, 91 00:05:51.800 --> 00:05:55.040 a real moment from my own experience with complicated grief, 92 00:05:55.920 --> 00:05:58.360 not to make this about me, but because I think 93 00:05:58.399 --> 00:06:00.720 it might help you feel less alone in what you 94 00:06:00.759 --> 00:06:05.240 were carrying. My grandmother raised me. She was the center 95 00:06:05.319 --> 00:06:08.439 of my world, but she was also hard in ways 96 00:06:08.439 --> 00:06:12.199 that left marks. She could be sharp, tongued and critical. 97 00:06:12.800 --> 00:06:15.959 She could make me feel small. There were years when 98 00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:18.160 I felt like I was holding my breath around her, 99 00:06:18.480 --> 00:06:20.959 waiting for the next thing to set her off. But 100 00:06:21.079 --> 00:06:23.839 she also fought like hell for me when nobody else did. 101 00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:28.040 She showed up, she stayed, and when she died, I 102 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:32.319 was not prepared for what happened inside me. At her funeral, 103 00:06:32.680 --> 00:06:35.600 I stood up to speak. I had written something down, 104 00:06:36.199 --> 00:06:39.360 something neat and proper, about her life, But when I 105 00:06:39.399 --> 00:06:42.600 got to that podium, the words that came out were 106 00:06:42.639 --> 00:06:46.000 not the ones I had planned. I talked about the 107 00:06:46.079 --> 00:06:48.600 time she drove three hours in a snowstorm to bring 108 00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:51.240 me soup when I was sick. I talked about the 109 00:06:51.240 --> 00:06:54.920 way she called me every single Sunday for fifteen years, 110 00:06:55.319 --> 00:06:59.680 no matter what. And then I started crying, not gently, 111 00:06:59.759 --> 00:07:02.480 but hard, the kind of crying that takes over your 112 00:07:02.519 --> 00:07:05.000 whole body, the kind that makes you feel like you 113 00:07:05.040 --> 00:07:07.319 are drowning in the middle of a room full of people. 114 00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:11.360 Here is the part I could not explain to anyone 115 00:07:11.360 --> 00:07:15.160 that day. Along with that grief, there was something else, 116 00:07:15.879 --> 00:07:18.959 something that felt wrong to name out loud. I was 117 00:07:19.000 --> 00:07:22.000 also relieved. I was relieved that I would never again 118 00:07:22.040 --> 00:07:25.439 have to brace myself before answering the phone. I was 119 00:07:25.480 --> 00:07:27.759 relieved that I did not have to spend another holiday 120 00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:30.800 walking on eggshells, waiting for her to find something wrong 121 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:34.279 with me. And that relief made me feel guilty, which 122 00:07:34.319 --> 00:07:37.639 made the crying worse, which made the relief feel even stronger. 123 00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:41.600 It was a loop I could not escape. I left 124 00:07:41.639 --> 00:07:44.639 that funeral feeling like something was broken in me. How 125 00:07:44.680 --> 00:07:46.839 could I miss her and be glad she was gone 126 00:07:46.879 --> 00:07:49.519 at the same time. How could I love someone so 127 00:07:49.639 --> 00:07:52.079 much and still feel angry at her? I did not 128 00:07:52.199 --> 00:07:55.560 have words for what I was experiencing. Nobody had told 129 00:07:55.600 --> 00:07:58.319 me that grief could feel like five different things at once, 130 00:07:58.800 --> 00:08:02.279 all tangled together so tightly you cannot find where one 131 00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:07.920 ends and the next begins. The truth is complicated relationships 132 00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:12.920 create complicated grief when someone has hurt us, even people 133 00:08:12.959 --> 00:08:16.160 we love deeply. The morning process does not follow a 134 00:08:16.160 --> 00:08:19.600 straight line. We are not just grieving their absence. We 135 00:08:19.680 --> 00:08:22.120 are grieving the relationship we wish we could have had. 136 00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:25.319 We are grieving our hope that things might somehow get better. 137 00:08:25.680 --> 00:08:28.720 We are grieving our own innocence. Maybe the belief that 138 00:08:28.759 --> 00:08:32.480 love should feel safe. That mix of emotions at a 139 00:08:32.519 --> 00:08:36.960 funeral or memorial service is more common than most people realize. 140 00:08:38.879 --> 00:08:42.039 Researchers who study grief have found again and again that 141 00:08:42.120 --> 00:08:45.759 people who have complicated or conflicted relationships with the person 142 00:08:45.799 --> 00:08:50.279 who died often experience what is sometimes called conflicting emotions. 143 00:08:50.879 --> 00:08:53.600 That means feeling sad and angry at the same time. 144 00:08:54.679 --> 00:08:58.720 It means missing someone while also being grateful they are gone. 145 00:08:59.759 --> 00:09:03.480 Means crying at the funeral and then feeling shame about 146 00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:07.799 those tears because part of you is relieved. If that 147 00:09:07.879 --> 00:09:10.399 sounds like something you are going through right now, I 148 00:09:10.440 --> 00:09:13.279 want you to hear me when I say this. You 149 00:09:13.360 --> 00:09:17.159 are not broken, You are not wrong. You are grieving 150 00:09:17.240 --> 00:09:20.159 someone whose relationship with you did not fit into a 151 00:09:20.200 --> 00:09:24.759 simple box, and your grief is reflecting that reality. It 152 00:09:24.759 --> 00:09:27.679 would be strange, actually, if you felt only one thing. 153 00:09:28.679 --> 00:09:32.240 It would be strange if you felt only sadness when 154 00:09:32.279 --> 00:09:35.559 there was hurt mixed in with the love. The reason 155 00:09:35.559 --> 00:09:38.080 I am telling you this is because I spent years 156 00:09:38.120 --> 00:09:40.799 thinking something was wrong with me. I thought I was 157 00:09:40.840 --> 00:09:43.720 supposed to feel one thing or move through grief in 158 00:09:43.759 --> 00:09:46.639 a certain order, and when I did not, I felt 159 00:09:46.639 --> 00:09:49.399 like I was failing. It took me a long time 160 00:09:49.440 --> 00:09:53.720 to understand that my grief was not broken. It was honest. 161 00:09:54.559 --> 00:09:57.360 It was telling the truth about a relationship that had 162 00:09:57.399 --> 00:10:00.519 never been simple. What I have come to to believe 163 00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:04.200 is that all of those conflicting feelings can exist at 164 00:10:04.200 --> 00:10:08.120 the same time and still be valid. You can grieve 165 00:10:08.200 --> 00:10:11.039 someone and be angry at them. You can love them 166 00:10:11.080 --> 00:10:13.399 and be hurt by them. You can miss them and 167 00:10:13.440 --> 00:10:16.159 be free of them at the same time. Those things 168 00:10:16.200 --> 00:10:19.840 do not cancel each other out. They coexist the same 169 00:10:19.879 --> 00:10:24.320 way the person themselves coexisted, complicated and contradictory and real. 170 00:10:25.440 --> 00:10:28.159 When you are ready, I want to offer you something, 171 00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:32.159 a small moment of permission to let all of those 172 00:10:32.200 --> 00:10:36.120 feelings exist without trying to sort them out or pick 173 00:10:36.120 --> 00:10:39.440 one to focus on, because that is often where the 174 00:10:39.480 --> 00:10:42.120 stuck feeling comes from, that sense that we need to 175 00:10:42.120 --> 00:10:45.120 figure out what we really feel before we can move forward. 176 00:10:45.960 --> 00:10:48.120 But what if we let go of that need? What 177 00:10:48.200 --> 00:10:50.320 if we just let the grief be as messy as 178 00:10:50.399 --> 00:10:55.960 the relationship was. Take a breath and let yourself feel 179 00:10:56.120 --> 00:11:07.279 whatever is there. The thing about grief is that most 180 00:11:07.320 --> 00:11:12.600 frameworks assume a relatively straightforward relationship. When someone we love dies, 181 00:11:12.720 --> 00:11:15.639 we expect to feel sad. When someone we love dies 182 00:11:15.679 --> 00:11:18.600 after a long illness, we expect some relief mixed with 183 00:11:18.679 --> 00:11:22.919 that sadness. These frameworks work reasonably well for many losses, 184 00:11:23.120 --> 00:11:25.799 but they start to show cracks when the relationship itself 185 00:11:25.879 --> 00:11:29.639 was complicated. Researchers at the Center for Complicated Grief at 186 00:11:29.679 --> 00:11:33.559 Columbia University have spent years studying how grief behaves differently 187 00:11:33.600 --> 00:11:37.159 when the bond where morning includes hurt, disappointment, or conflict. 188 00:11:37.480 --> 00:11:39.799 Their work helps explain why so many people in your 189 00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:43.159 situation feel like their grief does not match what they 190 00:11:43.240 --> 00:11:47.919 were told to expect when a relationship had friction. The 191 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:51.720 grief that follows does not move in clean stages. It 192 00:11:51.840 --> 00:11:55.679 circles back on itself. You might feel angry one morning, 193 00:11:55.960 --> 00:12:00.639 tender by afternoon, and guilty by evening. None of these 194 00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:03.600 replace the others. They layer on top of each other, 195 00:12:03.840 --> 00:12:07.039 and sometimes they appear at the same time. This is 196 00:12:07.120 --> 00:12:10.600 not confusion or weakness. It is what grief looks like 197 00:12:10.639 --> 00:12:13.159 when the person we lost was not simple to love. 198 00:12:14.120 --> 00:12:17.679 Here is where many people get stuck. They believe they 199 00:12:17.720 --> 00:12:21.120 have to choose between their feelings. They think the relief 200 00:12:21.159 --> 00:12:23.559 they felt at the funeral means they did not really 201 00:12:23.600 --> 00:12:26.559 love their person. They think the guilt they carry now 202 00:12:26.679 --> 00:12:29.799 means they are bad for also feeling glad. The truth 203 00:12:29.879 --> 00:12:32.480 is that both can be completely true at the same time. 204 00:12:32.960 --> 00:12:35.639 You can love someone deeply and still feel relieved that 205 00:12:35.720 --> 00:12:38.559 a difficult chapter has closed. You can miss them and 206 00:12:38.600 --> 00:12:41.799 also be grateful the conflict has ended. One feeling does 207 00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:45.759 not erase the other. They exist side by side, and 208 00:12:45.840 --> 00:12:49.679 neither one makes the other less real. This is especially 209 00:12:49.720 --> 00:12:53.440 important because society tends to offer only two narratives for 210 00:12:53.519 --> 00:12:57.960 complicated relationships. Either the person was wonderful and your grief 211 00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:01.440 is pure sorrow, or the person was difficult and you 212 00:13:01.480 --> 00:13:05.200 should not grieve them at all. Neither of these feels right. 213 00:13:05.240 --> 00:13:07.320 When you were living in the middle of it. You 214 00:13:07.399 --> 00:13:10.519 knew them completely. They were both the person who hurt 215 00:13:10.559 --> 00:13:14.159 you and the person who shaped you. Your grief holds 216 00:13:14.200 --> 00:13:16.559 all of that without needing to pick one story over 217 00:13:16.600 --> 00:13:19.679 the other. The guilt that often shows up in these 218 00:13:19.720 --> 00:13:24.360 situations deserve special attention. It shows up not because you 219 00:13:24.399 --> 00:13:28.399 did something wrong, but because you expected yourself to grieve differently. 220 00:13:29.320 --> 00:13:31.679 You might feel guilty for the moments of peace you 221 00:13:31.759 --> 00:13:34.919 experienced after the death. You might feel guilty for not 222 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:39.000 visiting more often, for setting boundaries, for speaking your truth 223 00:13:39.000 --> 00:13:42.159 when it cost you the relationship. These guilty feelings are 224 00:13:42.200 --> 00:13:44.879 not proof that you failed. They are proof that you 225 00:13:44.919 --> 00:13:48.279 were paying attention to a complicated situation, and you did 226 00:13:48.279 --> 00:13:51.039 the best you could with what you had. Some people 227 00:13:51.080 --> 00:13:54.039 in your situation find that their grief lasts longer than 228 00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:57.960 they expected. When researchers at the Columbia Center for Complicated 229 00:13:58.000 --> 00:14:01.639 Grief studied grief patterns, found that somewhere between ten and 230 00:14:01.720 --> 00:14:05.840 twenty percent of people experiencing grief following a complicated relationship 231 00:14:05.919 --> 00:14:10.000 go on to meet criteria for prolonged grief disorder. This 232 00:14:10.039 --> 00:14:13.240 does not mean something is broken in you. It means 233 00:14:13.240 --> 00:14:15.840 that the relationship you are mourning did not follow a 234 00:14:15.879 --> 00:14:19.919 simple pattern, and neither can your grief. The disorder label 235 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:23.000 exists to describe a real experience, not to judge it. 236 00:14:23.440 --> 00:14:26.399 If your grief has felt endless, if you feel stuck 237 00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:29.200 in a loop of missing and resenting and remembering, that 238 00:14:29.320 --> 00:14:33.039 is not failure. That is what tangled bonds leave behind. 239 00:14:33.679 --> 00:14:38.000 What helps in these situations is not a timeline, but permission. 240 00:14:38.960 --> 00:14:42.720 Permission to feel everything without sorting it first. Permission to 241 00:14:42.759 --> 00:14:46.000 love someone you were also frustrated with. Permission to have 242 00:14:46.039 --> 00:14:48.399 a funeral where you felt relief and sadness in the 243 00:14:48.440 --> 00:14:52.039 same breath. Permission to miss them without missing who they were, 244 00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:56.080 at their worst. The other thing that helps is recognizing 245 00:14:56.120 --> 00:14:59.440 you are not alone in this. So many people carry 246 00:14:59.480 --> 00:15:02.840 grief that does not fit into neat boxes. They do 247 00:15:02.879 --> 00:15:06.519 not talk about it because they assume no one else understands. 248 00:15:07.240 --> 00:15:09.440 They worry they will be judged for not grieving the 249 00:15:09.440 --> 00:15:12.799 way others expect. But the pattern you are describing the 250 00:15:12.799 --> 00:15:15.600 one where love and pain exist together, where relief and 251 00:15:15.639 --> 00:15:18.799 guilt share space without canceling each other out. This is 252 00:15:18.840 --> 00:15:21.919 one of the most common experiences in grief. It just 253 00:15:21.960 --> 00:15:24.600 does not get talked about very often because it is 254 00:15:24.639 --> 00:15:26.799 hard to explain to people who have not lived it. 255 00:15:27.759 --> 00:15:29.759 That brings me to something I want to offer you. 256 00:15:30.120 --> 00:15:32.960 I would love to hear from you if you are 257 00:15:32.960 --> 00:15:35.879 willing share your story in the comments or reach out. 258 00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:38.919 Tell me about the relationship that did not fit neatly 259 00:15:38.960 --> 00:15:41.240 into the grief you were supposed to feel. Tell me 260 00:15:41.279 --> 00:15:43.480 about the funeral where you felt three things at once. 261 00:15:43.879 --> 00:15:45.679 Tell me about the mornings when you wake up and 262 00:15:45.720 --> 00:15:48.000 for a split second you forget they are gone, and 263 00:15:48.000 --> 00:15:50.240 then the weight comes back, and then you feel guilty 264 00:15:50.240 --> 00:15:53.559 for forgetting even for a second. These stories matter. They 265 00:15:53.559 --> 00:15:55.799 remind all of us that grief is not one size 266 00:15:55.840 --> 00:15:58.240 fits all, and they remind someone out there who is 267 00:15:58.279 --> 00:16:00.799 carrying the same complicated weight that they are not as 268 00:16:00.799 --> 00:16:03.960 alone as they feel. One of the things that helps 269 00:16:03.960 --> 00:16:07.480 when grief feels confusing is knowing you are not alone 270 00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:10.960 in that confusion. That is actually why I want to 271 00:16:11.000 --> 00:16:13.320 share some of what listeners have written to us over 272 00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:16.440 the past few months. Some of these letters stayed with 273 00:16:16.519 --> 00:16:19.200 me long after I read them because they captured something 274 00:16:19.240 --> 00:16:22.879 that gets talked about so rarely. Here is what someone 275 00:16:22.960 --> 00:16:26.000 shared after their father died. He had been hard on 276 00:16:26.080 --> 00:16:29.919 them throughout their childhood. There were moments of tenderness, but 277 00:16:30.039 --> 00:16:33.799 criticism was the language he spoke most fluently. They wrote 278 00:16:33.799 --> 00:16:36.440 that the morning after his funeral, they woke up and 279 00:16:36.519 --> 00:16:40.879 felt something unexpected relief, not the complicated grief they had 280 00:16:40.879 --> 00:16:44.879 prepared for, but actual relief that he was gone. Then 281 00:16:45.000 --> 00:16:48.480 the guilt arrived like a wave. They wrote, I caught 282 00:16:48.480 --> 00:16:51.840 myself thinking this house is finally quiet, and then I 283 00:16:51.919 --> 00:16:55.519 hated myself for thinking it. That feeling of relief when 284 00:16:55.559 --> 00:16:58.960 someone difficult finally leaves this world carries a specific kind 285 00:16:58.960 --> 00:17:01.840 of shame. It does not mean you did not love them, 286 00:17:02.080 --> 00:17:04.359 It does not mean you wanted them to suffer. It 287 00:17:04.440 --> 00:17:07.200 means you were suffering and the source of that suffering 288 00:17:07.240 --> 00:17:12.039 had finally stopped breathing. That is not cruelty. That is survival. 289 00:17:13.000 --> 00:17:15.480 Another listener wrote about something that haunts a lot of 290 00:17:15.480 --> 00:17:20.839 people in complicated grief, unfinished conversations. Her mother had been 291 00:17:20.839 --> 00:17:23.920 ill for a long time, and they had argued constantly. 292 00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:27.960 In those final years, little things became big things. Pride 293 00:17:28.000 --> 00:17:31.400 made them both stubborn. The last real conversation they had 294 00:17:31.519 --> 00:17:35.519 ended in frustration. Her mother passed before they could try again. 295 00:17:36.160 --> 00:17:38.799 She wrote, I keep rehearsing what I would say to 296 00:17:38.839 --> 00:17:42.960 her now. I have been practicing that conversation for three years. 297 00:17:43.440 --> 00:17:45.920 The weight of words never spoken does not fade the 298 00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:48.359 way we expect it to. It sits in the chest 299 00:17:48.440 --> 00:17:51.960 and replays. If this is something you carry, I want 300 00:17:52.000 --> 00:17:54.480 you to hear this. You are not responsible for a 301 00:17:54.519 --> 00:17:57.039 conversation that required two people to be ready at the 302 00:17:57.079 --> 00:18:00.839 same moment. That timing does not always work. The love 303 00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:03.559 in your silence was still there. You do not have 304 00:18:03.599 --> 00:18:07.680 to prove that to anyone, including yourself. Then there is 305 00:18:07.720 --> 00:18:10.960 the pressure that comes from other people. A listener named 306 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:15.279 Michael reached out about his relationship with his brother. They 307 00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:17.960 had been estranged for over a decade after a falling 308 00:18:18.000 --> 00:18:21.279 out that involved money and family property. When his brother 309 00:18:21.319 --> 00:18:25.240 passed suddenly, Michael found himself navigating two griefs at once. 310 00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:28.880 The first was the actual loss, The second was the 311 00:18:28.920 --> 00:18:31.759 pressure from relatives to feel something he was not ready 312 00:18:31.799 --> 00:18:34.480 to feel. They wanted him to speak at the service. 313 00:18:34.920 --> 00:18:37.599 They kept saying things like he was your brother, you 314 00:18:37.640 --> 00:18:41.000 should forgive him. Michael wrote, I was not ready to 315 00:18:41.039 --> 00:18:43.720 forgive anyone. I was just trying to figure out if 316 00:18:43.720 --> 00:18:45.759 I was allowed to be sad about someone I had 317 00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:49.559 not spoken to in twelve years. That question whether you 318 00:18:49.559 --> 00:18:52.680 were allowed to grieve someone you had complicated feelings about 319 00:18:53.039 --> 00:18:57.079 comes up constantly. The answer is yes, Your grief does 320 00:18:57.119 --> 00:19:01.559 not require anyone else's permission. The relationationship you had or 321 00:19:01.559 --> 00:19:05.079 the relationship you did not have, is still yours to mourn. 322 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:08.680 What stands out in all of these stories is that 323 00:19:08.839 --> 00:19:12.519 none of these people had simple emotions. They had real 324 00:19:12.559 --> 00:19:16.279 emotions in a situation that did not offer easy answers. 325 00:19:17.119 --> 00:19:21.559 That is not weakness, That is honesty. When we pretend 326 00:19:21.599 --> 00:19:24.359 that grief should look one particular way, we make it 327 00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:27.279 harder for people to simply feel what they feel. The 328 00:19:27.359 --> 00:19:30.960 relief does not cancel out the sadness. The unfinished arguments 329 00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:33.400 do not erase the love that was there underneath. The 330 00:19:33.400 --> 00:19:36.640 family pressure does not change what your actual experience was. 331 00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:40.200 I think about these letters often because they remind me 332 00:19:40.240 --> 00:19:43.200 that grief does not follow a script. The people who 333 00:19:43.279 --> 00:19:45.480 wrote to us were not looking for someone to fix 334 00:19:45.519 --> 00:19:48.200 their feelings. They were looking for someone to tell them 335 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:52.039 their feelings made sense, and they do, every single one 336 00:19:52.039 --> 00:19:55.400 of them does. What I have noticed is that the 337 00:19:55.400 --> 00:19:59.119 moments when people feel most isolated are often the moments 338 00:19:59.160 --> 00:20:03.160 when connection most Knowing that someone else woke up feeling 339 00:20:03.160 --> 00:20:06.400 guilty for feeling relieved, knowing that someone else has been 340 00:20:06.440 --> 00:20:10.279 rehearsing a conversation that will never happen, Knowing that someone 341 00:20:10.279 --> 00:20:12.519 else was told to forgive when they were just trying 342 00:20:12.519 --> 00:20:16.200 to survive the day. That is what this space is for, 343 00:20:16.839 --> 00:20:21.599 Not answers, just company, just someone saying I hear you, 344 00:20:21.960 --> 00:20:25.200 and I know this is hard. When the grief starts 345 00:20:25.200 --> 00:20:28.039 to feel circular, I like to bring people back to 346 00:20:28.119 --> 00:20:33.720 something simple and honest, not tidy, just honest. One place 347 00:20:33.759 --> 00:20:36.920 to start is an unsent letter. You do not have 348 00:20:36.960 --> 00:20:39.240 to make it polite, and you do not have to 349 00:20:39.279 --> 00:20:42.200 make it forgiving. You can put the love on the 350 00:20:42.240 --> 00:20:46.160 page and the hurt on the page, because both belong 351 00:20:46.319 --> 00:20:50.960 to the story. If that person was a parent, a partner, 352 00:20:51.160 --> 00:20:53.799 a sibling, or someone who held power in your life, 353 00:20:54.599 --> 00:20:57.039 the letter can hold that mix without asking you to 354 00:20:57.119 --> 00:21:01.039 choose one feeling and silence the other. You might begin 355 00:21:01.119 --> 00:21:03.920 with I loved you when, or I needed you to 356 00:21:04.559 --> 00:21:07.480 or I still remember. Then you can keep going with 357 00:21:07.559 --> 00:21:10.119 the part that sits heavy in your chest. You can 358 00:21:10.119 --> 00:21:12.559 write about the laugh you miss and the comment that 359 00:21:12.599 --> 00:21:15.400 still stings. You can write about the care they gave 360 00:21:15.440 --> 00:21:18.359 and the damage they left behind. That kind of letter 361 00:21:18.440 --> 00:21:20.839 is not about making a case in court. It is 362 00:21:20.839 --> 00:21:22.799 about telling the truth in a place where you do 363 00:21:22.880 --> 00:21:26.079 not have to edit yourself for anyone else. Some people 364 00:21:26.200 --> 00:21:28.599 keep the letter in a drawer, Some tear it up. 365 00:21:29.079 --> 00:21:31.799 Some read it once and then set it aside. There 366 00:21:31.839 --> 00:21:35.200 is no correct finish. If writing feels like too much, 367 00:21:35.319 --> 00:21:38.480 you can make the ritual even smaller. Light a candle 368 00:21:38.519 --> 00:21:43.079 and name one difficult memory, just one, not the whole history, 369 00:21:43.480 --> 00:21:47.119 not the whole relationship, one memory that keeps coming back. 370 00:21:47.319 --> 00:21:50.319 Say it out loud, if you can, you might say 371 00:21:50.640 --> 00:21:53.319 I remember the hospital room, I remember the phone call, 372 00:21:53.519 --> 00:21:55.680 I remember the way I went quiet at that dinner. 373 00:21:56.240 --> 00:21:58.119 Then sit with the candle for a moment and let 374 00:21:58.119 --> 00:22:01.720 the memory be there without arguing with it. This can 375 00:22:01.759 --> 00:22:04.400 help with complicated grief because it gives the hard part 376 00:22:04.440 --> 00:22:07.799 a place to go. It does not erase anything. It 377 00:22:07.839 --> 00:22:11.279 simply gives shape to what has been stuck inside that 378 00:22:11.480 --> 00:22:14.839 said memory can bring up a lot, especially when the 379 00:22:14.839 --> 00:22:17.279 loss was messy or when other people expect you to 380 00:22:17.359 --> 00:22:20.240 keep the story simple. If the person died after a 381 00:22:20.279 --> 00:22:23.519 long conflict, or if the relationship was never safe enough 382 00:22:23.519 --> 00:22:26.839 to feel easy, that candle can become a small witness 383 00:22:27.160 --> 00:22:30.799 It says I see the hurt too. It can be 384 00:22:30.920 --> 00:22:35.160 especially grounding for disenfranchised grief, where other people may not 385 00:22:35.319 --> 00:22:38.319 understand why you are grieving so hard or why the 386 00:22:38.359 --> 00:22:41.839 grief carries anger. You do not have to defend the 387 00:22:41.880 --> 00:22:45.279 size of your feelings. You only have to name them honestly, 388 00:22:45.839 --> 00:22:48.359 in a way that feels steady enough for you today. 389 00:22:48.720 --> 00:22:51.759 Another practice that can help is finding one trusted person 390 00:22:51.839 --> 00:22:53.920 who can hear the full range of what you feel, 391 00:22:54.680 --> 00:22:58.279 not the polished version, not the version that protects everyone 392 00:22:58.279 --> 00:23:02.480 else from discomfort. The full range. That might mean saying 393 00:23:02.839 --> 00:23:04.480 I need you to hear both the love and the 394 00:23:04.519 --> 00:23:07.759 hurt without trying to fix either one, or I need 395 00:23:07.799 --> 00:23:10.359 to say something hard and I do not need advice 396 00:23:10.440 --> 00:23:14.480 right away. Choosing one person matters because complicated grief often 397 00:23:14.519 --> 00:23:17.920 gets lonely fast. People may want a clean memory, a 398 00:23:17.960 --> 00:23:21.920 clean apology, or a clean ending. Real life rarely hands 399 00:23:21.960 --> 00:23:24.440 us that, so it helps to place your story with 400 00:23:24.519 --> 00:23:27.519 someone who can stay present while you speak it. If 401 00:23:27.559 --> 00:23:30.480