Speaker 1: I grew up believing that I had to sacrifice myself
Speaker 1: for everybody, for my family, for my job, and that moment,
Speaker 1: the only solution I had was just to end it
Speaker 1: all because I didn't want anyone to think that I
Speaker 1: couldn't handle it right. I wanted it to be an accident.
Speaker 1: Later that night, I was dolted awake by someone like
Speaker 1: knocking on my car window. Are you okay? Are you okay?
Speaker 1: As what I heard, and you know, my car was
Speaker 1: facing oncoming traffic. I was a hair away from a
Speaker 1: head on collision. It was that far. To this day,
Speaker 1: I still don't know how my foot went on the break.
Speaker 1: I had followed through with that fantasy of getting drunk
Speaker 1: and getting into a car accident, and being faced with
Speaker 1: that was like, what have I done?
Speaker 2: This is Wake Up with Marcy, a space for honest
Speaker 2: conversations about healing, recovery, and women's wellness. I'm Marcy Hopkins.
Speaker 2: Take a breath, You're safe here.
Speaker 3: Let's begin.
Speaker 2: Have you ever been the strong one, the capable one,
Speaker 2: the one everyone one depends on. But inside you're exhausted,
Speaker 2: You're depleted. What at the very thing that makes you
Speaker 2: strong is also what is keeping you stuck.
Speaker 3: Hello all, and.
Speaker 2: Welcome back to Wake Up with Marcy. I am so
Speaker 2: grateful you're here. I'm your host, Marcy Hopkins, and I
Speaker 2: am an author, motivational speaker, TV host, and also a
Speaker 2: mental health advocate.
Speaker 3: And today I am so grateful for my guest.
Speaker 2: Today, we are going to meet the incredible Tracy Doyle,
Speaker 2: an award winning entrepreneur, author of Life Storms, and creator
Speaker 2: of the Aurora Method. Tracy went from building a multi
Speaker 2: million dollar company to hitting a breaking point that changed everything,
Speaker 2: and I bet a lot of us can relate to
Speaker 2: hitting that breaking point when we are overgiving ourselves. So
Speaker 2: now Tracy is helping women understand what's really driving emotional burnout.
Speaker 3: We're going to learn.
Speaker 2: What it is, how it's affecting us, and how we
Speaker 2: can get over it. She's also going to help us
Speaker 2: to reconnect, reconnect with ourselves, our lives, and the people
Speaker 2: that we love. So let's welcome Tracy. Now, Hello, Tracy,
Speaker 2: welcome to Wake Up with Marcy.
Speaker 1: Hey, good morning, Marcy, and thank you for having me
Speaker 1: this morning.
Speaker 2: It's great to have you and for you to share
Speaker 2: your story because so many of us women can relate
Speaker 2: to feeling like we have to do it all.
Speaker 3: I've been there myself, so I can truly relate.
Speaker 2: But I want to start with your powerful story. And
Speaker 2: there's a moment that you describe where you looked in
Speaker 2: the mirror and you thought I'm done.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 3: Can you take us back to that moment and what
Speaker 3: was really happening for you internally?
Speaker 1: Yeah? That it's a hard it's very hard to share
Speaker 1: that moment of my life, but it's one that's super
Speaker 1: powerful because it was a turning point. You know, I was,
Speaker 1: you know, born to a mentally ill mom and she
Speaker 1: was a teenager. I became a caretaker by the age
Speaker 1: of ten because she had had me as a teen
Speaker 1: married when I was seven, and sadly, she married an
Speaker 1: alcoholic who you know, was hitting his bottom over the
Speaker 1: course of the four years that they were married. And
Speaker 1: so you know, what I was carrying with me was,
Speaker 1: you know, I had to assume responsibility at a young
Speaker 1: age because my mom couldn't handle the two kids. I
Speaker 1: had to step up because she wasn't available to step
Speaker 1: up for them, and so I really was helping my
Speaker 1: siblings and you know, essentially racing kids on the school
Speaker 1: yard for food. So here I am now I'm grown.
Speaker 1: I'm the first of my family to go to college,
Speaker 1: and you know, and the stress of the complexity of
Speaker 1: my family, managing my mom. You know, my sister at
Speaker 1: this point sadly had started using drugs. I had umed
Speaker 1: custody over two kids. So I'm an instat mom, I'm
Speaker 1: a caretaker. I'm trying to manage my own relationship, starting
Speaker 1: my own life. And then I'm a senior director at work.
Speaker 1: So I felt like that morning was like, you know,
Speaker 1: leading up to it, it was just, you know, I can't
Speaker 1: take it. I can't take it. I can't take it. It
Speaker 1: was just the overwhelm, the overwhelm, and then it felt
Speaker 1: like no matter what I said, no matter what I did,
Speaker 1: like people just seem to not understand me anymore. That's
Speaker 1: how I felt on the inside. So that morning, it
Speaker 1: was a it was a cold, gray winter's day. It
Speaker 1: was December twenty first, It's around the holidays, and I'm
Speaker 1: like getting ready for work and I just look at
Speaker 1: myself and I'm like, just eyes hollow. My spirit was
Speaker 1: just dim and I didn't recognize myself anymore. I just
Speaker 1: looked so just like empty, and inside I'm like I'm done,
Speaker 1: you know, and then the Scalaesian starts. You know, I'm
Speaker 1: done being responsible for my mentally, Oh mom, you know,
Speaker 1: I'm done taking care of my sister's kids, you know.
Speaker 1: And then it's like, I'm done being stretched in every
Speaker 1: single direction at work. I'm done being the fixer. I'm
Speaker 1: done doing everything for everyone. I'm done. And you know,
Speaker 1: in that moment, I was like, you know, if I
Speaker 1: just got good and drunk, maybe i'd crashed the car.
Speaker 1: And I'm like, yeah, if I crash the car, no
Speaker 1: one's gonna know, you know. I You know, I grew
Speaker 1: up believing that I had to sacrifice myself for everybody,
Speaker 1: for my family, for my job, and that moment, the
Speaker 1: only solution I had was just to end it all
Speaker 1: because I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't
Speaker 1: handle it right. I wanted it to be an accident.
Speaker 1: Later that night, I was dolted awake by someone like
Speaker 1: knocking on my car window. Are you okay? Are you okay?
Speaker 1: Is what I heard. And you know, my car was
Speaker 1: facing oncoming traffic. I was a hair away from a
Speaker 1: head on collision. It was that far. To this day,
Speaker 1: I still don't know how my foot went on the
Speaker 1: break I had followed through with that fantasy of getting
Speaker 1: drunk and getting into a car accident, and being faced
Speaker 1: with that was like like, what.
Speaker 3: Have I done?
Speaker 1: You know? And how did I feel? Lost? So that
Speaker 1: moment it was powerful. And that next day, I mean
Speaker 1: the guilt and the shame of having almost killed two people,
Speaker 1: almost killing myself. But yet my head and my heart
Speaker 1: are fighting because I'm screaming at myself like how could
Speaker 1: you do this right? And yet my heart sang, Tracy,
Speaker 1: You're still here, You're still here, and you know, And
Speaker 1: then I just yelled out it's something I hadn't done
Speaker 1: in a long time, which is I want to live.
Speaker 1: I want to live again. And that moment was of
Speaker 1: it all because help me understand my first real lesson,
Speaker 1: which is, you know, we sacrifice ourselves for everyone, right,
Speaker 1: but sacrificing yourself doesn't mean abandoning yourself, and I had
Speaker 1: done that. It means putting yourself first while you're managing everything.
Speaker 1: And I didn't know how to do that. So for me,
Speaker 1: that meant I needed to get help. And that's when
Speaker 1: my journey started.
Speaker 2: Yeah, so of things that I can relate to in
Speaker 2: your story. First off, I want to ask you, is
Speaker 2: your mother still with us?
Speaker 1: She's not. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So my mother was an alcoholic and I dealt with
Speaker 2: a lot of feeling abandoned, being kept in homes that
Speaker 2: weren't safe and such, and it really affected me. One
Speaker 2: of the things I've had to do on my healing
Speaker 2: journey is fine forgiveness for my mother right for her
Speaker 2: disease of alcoholism, for her inability to be the mother
Speaker 2: that I wanted that I thought I should have, and
Speaker 2: then also be grandmother that I thought maybe she could
Speaker 2: be for my children and she couldn't be, and what
Speaker 2: she put me through. So that was a very big
Speaker 2: freeing moment for me. I won't say moment. It was
Speaker 2: a journey of learning to process on how to do it.
Speaker 2: Have you yourself been able to forgive your mother?
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, yeah. You know what I learned was in
Speaker 1: that moment. So that started my journey and what felt
Speaker 1: like ten years right because I needed to get you know, obviously,
Speaker 1: I had suicidal ideation, so I had to get treated
Speaker 1: for depression. I went to therapy and you know, and
Speaker 1: I'm working through I had had some trauma. My biggest
Speaker 1: traumas were really when my mom was married, because she
Speaker 1: couldn't handle with her own liabilities, if you will, or limitation.
Speaker 1: She couldn't handle the pressure of a man not providing food.
Speaker 1: We had no food, we had no running water. You know,
Speaker 1: she just didn't know how to handle it, so she
Speaker 1: just shut down. She had In today's day it would
Speaker 1: be called bipolar depression. So I forget which it's bipolar
Speaker 1: one or two. I can't remember. So, you know, so
Speaker 1: for me, like as a kid, right, you internalize that
Speaker 1: as neglect. You internalize that she doesn't care and nobody cares.
Speaker 1: You internalize that as I have to do everything myself.
Speaker 1: And so over that course of ten years, when I realized,
Speaker 1: when I got to that breaking point, that it wasn't
Speaker 1: my mom. It wasn't what happened to me, you know,
Speaker 1: it wasn't it wasn't my job, It wasn't all of that, right,
Speaker 1: It was really my own beliefs doing it. See, because
Speaker 1: I had grown up believing I had to sacrifice myself
Speaker 1: as the real issue was. I grew up believing I
Speaker 1: had this pervasive belief that I didn't belong and I
Speaker 1: thought that if I when one hundred and ten percent,
Speaker 1: then maybe I would, you know, and.
Speaker 3: Same for validation outside of ourselves.
Speaker 1: Right, performance became that I became an overachiever, and performance
Speaker 1: became the most sophisticated hiding place from dealing with all
Speaker 1: that pain. So what I learned was was that it
Speaker 1: was I had a good friend of mine on this journey.
Speaker 1: I mean, there were so many influences. So I talked
Speaker 1: to you for hours about that, but I had one
Speaker 1: specific friend. I'm from the pharmaceutical industry originally, and she said,
Speaker 1: you know, your life experience to shape your thinking, recognize
Speaker 1: how they've shaped your thinking. You're empowered to change. Right.
Speaker 1: So I'm you know, I'm like, I don't know what
Speaker 1: she's talking about. I'm so lost what she what she
Speaker 1: meant was was that. And this is where I go
Speaker 1: back to my original upbringing. In college, I studied psychology
Speaker 1: and counseling, and you know, I wanted to be a
Speaker 1: clinical psychologist, but I put myself through school I couldn't
Speaker 1: do it. So as I'm really unpacking what she's trying
Speaker 1: to teach me, because she was a trainer in the
Speaker 1: SECH in the pharmaceutical industry, you know, it brought me
Speaker 1: back to a concept from Abraham Maslow, which basically says,
Speaker 1: whenever our basic needs are stunted, So our basic needs belonging, security,
Speaker 1: like you just said, our esteem, right, which is sort
Speaker 1: of part of belonging and our ambitions for ourselves. What happens, right,
Speaker 1: we come from a place of just looking at life
Speaker 1: through a straw where we just lack. I don't have this,
Speaker 1: I don't have that. The way you felt with your mom,
Speaker 1: I felt the same way. She's never going to this,
Speaker 1: she's never going to that. And I'd have people telling
Speaker 1: me their opinion, you just need to get over your mother, right.
Speaker 1: So but anyway, so what she did was she took
Speaker 1: me through this tool that she had learned, and what
Speaker 1: it was was like, you know, who hurt you, who
Speaker 1: were you angry with? What did they do? How did
Speaker 1: it affect you? And I got to I saw Maslow there,
Speaker 1: But then I said, how did you respond? Right? And
Speaker 1: when I saw how I was, I got to see patterns,
Speaker 1: and then what I saw was specific self centered traits.
Speaker 1: So what I mean by that is she was trying
Speaker 1: to help me understand that the word resentment. She was
Speaker 1: in a twelve step program. The word resentment comes from
Speaker 1: the French word race centier, which means to refeel deeply.
Speaker 1: So what was I refeeling? I was refeeling those whenever
Speaker 1: my spidy senses were up, I would feel threatened that
Speaker 1: I wasn't belonging. I would feel threatened that my security
Speaker 1: was threatened, either my emotional security or my safety. And
Speaker 1: that was the wound, right, that was the refeel. But
Speaker 1: she said, what's the initial belief that you created as
Speaker 1: a result. I got to look at Wow, my needs
Speaker 1: were really really stunted because I had some significant experiences.
Speaker 1: That's not to say that you have to have trauma
Speaker 1: for this to happen. We all have it. I mean
Speaker 1: I've worked with the menue. I haven't had anything near
Speaker 1: what I've experienced, and we end up in the same
Speaker 1: place when we create these initial belief So for me,
Speaker 1: the belief was nobody cares. So I thought my mom
Speaker 1: didn't care and you know, and it took me to
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough right, and then it took me
Speaker 1: to I'm never going to belong and then it took
Speaker 1: me to you know places. First it was seeking validation,
Speaker 1: like you said, and that relationship. In an addition, I
Speaker 1: then developed this exterior of you know, I'll show you
Speaker 1: I'm self important. So what did I do with her?
Speaker 1: So what I got to see in this exercise was
Speaker 1: I would abandon her. I I'm a good abandoner. Like
Speaker 1: if you upset me, that said, I'm done. So if
Speaker 1: she would have a bipolar rage, I'd be like, that's it.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna punish you with silence for six months. And
Speaker 1: then when I got to see how I treated her
Speaker 1: and I realized that she's a woman with limitations, I
Speaker 1: was like, wow, just as a rule, so that what
Speaker 1: that look like is what I call an acknowledgment conversation.
Speaker 1: I actually I had a prep for it because I
Speaker 1: knew she would She's very reactive. Well she was, and
Speaker 1: I had to really prep with you know when I
Speaker 1: started the conversation, which sounded like this, you know, mom,
Speaker 1: I've really been thinking about our relationship. And what I've
Speaker 1: reflected on is that anytime you yell at me, aye,
Speaker 1: and then she gets defensive, right, so she starts yelling
Speaker 1: at me. But I waited and when she finished, I said,
Speaker 1: already done. She said, yeah, go please hear me out said,
Speaker 1: anytime you yell at me. What I realized is is
Speaker 1: that I abandon you and I punish you with silence.
Speaker 1: I don't talk to you for six months, three weeks,
Speaker 1: however long. And I realized how hurtful that must be,
Speaker 1: because I'm your daughter and you don't know where I am,
Speaker 1: and you must be really scared when I do that.
Speaker 1: And she started crying. We hugged, and I said, I
Speaker 1: and what I can promise you is that I won't
Speaker 1: ever do that again, and you know, no matter how
Speaker 1: hard it gets. And what that did for our relationship
Speaker 1: was it helped me realize that she did care right,
Speaker 1: but she was capable of a one way relationship. So
Speaker 1: I had to you know, what do they say, shift
Speaker 1: your sales or whatever. I forget that I love that
Speaker 1: little thing with the little sailboat, But I shifted my
Speaker 1: perspective to what does the one way relationship look like?
Speaker 1: I call her and listen, does it mean that she's
Speaker 1: giving to me? I had other people when I put
Speaker 1: the straw down. I had so many people in my
Speaker 1: life that Karen and were able to nourish me in
Speaker 1: ways that she couldn't. It was all there, But so
Speaker 1: I had to break through that limitation. And I call
Speaker 1: that the city of limitation, we say, stuck in self
Speaker 1: centered thinking from these refeels that we have.
Speaker 3: So I love that.
Speaker 2: I love that because that's where I did learn all
Speaker 2: of that was through the twelve Steps. And what it
Speaker 2: took me too, is being able to look at myself.
Speaker 2: And the thing is that we only are capable of
Speaker 2: changing ourselves exactly.
Speaker 1: We change exactly.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: So it is a beautiful thing. It's one of the
Speaker 2: hardest things for people to do is to look at
Speaker 2: themselves right, to see their part and and create that change.
Speaker 2: But I think a lot of that once we start
Speaker 2: doing that and we start prioritizing ourselves while also being
Speaker 2: there for other people, because that's fulfilling in its own
Speaker 2: way when you when you do it in.
Speaker 3: The right way.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree.
Speaker 3: Yeah. So so that's one of the things that I wanted.
Speaker 2: To talk to you about, talk to you about because
Speaker 2: I related so much about it. And so what we're
Speaker 2: talking about that hyper independence and and how that can
Speaker 2: actually be a trauma response.
Speaker 3: So can you talk a little bit.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I was going to say, since you know
Speaker 1: the twelve steps, you know, so what you know when
Speaker 1: you when you learn the tool my friends shared with
Speaker 1: me was from the fourth step in the Big Book
Speaker 1: of Alcoholics Anonymous and you know it it has like
Speaker 1: four little columns. But what she taught me was to
Speaker 1: look at it in another way, and this was the
Speaker 1: most you know, again, I'm going to tell you psychologically
Speaker 1: and from my training what I saw and it blew
Speaker 1: my mind, which is why I want to teach this
Speaker 1: as many so you know how it says like your
Speaker 1: you're you know, you look at your you know what
Speaker 1: did I do in response to that? And then you
Speaker 1: have to go deeper? Like where was I afraid? You know?
Speaker 1: Was I inconsiderate? Was I dishonest? Was I self seeking?
Speaker 1: Was I selfish? Well? That for me as as a
Speaker 1: person who was selfless, who sacrificed herself, you know, I
Speaker 1: was like, are you fing kidding? I'm New Jersey, I'm like,
Speaker 1: are you me? I'm like, how dare you like call
Speaker 1: me selfish? But as my friend is explaining it, what
Speaker 1: I took that as what are self these self centered traits? Right?
Speaker 1: So I'm you know, I had you know, straight a's
Speaker 1: in college. I'm looking of self centered traits, right, And
Speaker 1: what I learned was, you know, selfishness means being absorbed
Speaker 1: in self. But if you really define the ish, you
Speaker 1: can change. And that's what I learned. So I looked
Speaker 1: up words like self pity. I felt sorry for myself,
Speaker 1: which I did. Self avoidance. I avoided people, I avoided
Speaker 1: my feelings, and I avoided you. Self reliance. I became
Speaker 1: very reliant at a young age. So what did I do. Now,
Speaker 1: let's fast forward. I'm a CEO of a multimillion dollar
Speaker 1: business and I'm like, I'll do it myself right anytime
Speaker 1: something happen. And what message was I giving to people?
Speaker 1: I don't trust you, I don't think you have skills. Meanwhile,
Speaker 1: that's not what it was at all. It was my
Speaker 1: own fear. So what I got to see was in
Speaker 1: the presence of fear right, and I like Tony Robbins's
Speaker 1: work lost fear less fear, never fear. In the presence
Speaker 1: of lost fear, what was my combo? Did I become
Speaker 1: thoughtless or inconsiderate or did I become dishonest? And I
Speaker 1: got to see different. I'm all about patterns. To see
Speaker 1: these patterns, and I'm like, Wow, when I'm afraid I'm
Speaker 1: going to lose something, I get really really thoughtless. I
Speaker 1: don't care about people, and then I get very self reliant.
Speaker 1: And when I'm self reliant, man, I get like self righteous,
Speaker 1: like my way or the highway, and now there is
Speaker 1: no connection. I created so much friction and and I
Speaker 1: was pretty much trying to say it was all about
Speaker 1: because I had all these pressures on the outside. So
Speaker 1: what I've learned over the years is I, you know,
Speaker 1: I started mentoring women that this was like a professional
Speaker 1: in my professional seat, I had so many women who
Speaker 1: were struggling, and I'd have you know, client like meeting
Speaker 1: my clients and the pharmaceutical insure like what are you doing?
Speaker 1: Like how do you manage all this? And how do
Speaker 1: you stay sane? So I started really walking people. I
Speaker 1: had no name for it yet, and you know, and
Speaker 1: I'm walking people through this framework and I'm helping them
Speaker 1: see how their life experiences shape their thinking, and how
Speaker 1: they're thinking really keeps some stuck in conflict and drives
Speaker 1: them to emotional burnout. And because so many people are
Speaker 1: burned out, and so then I started to see, well,
Speaker 1: you know, this person improved a relationship with her husband,
Speaker 1: that one stop the fight with the boss, Because why
Speaker 1: do people get fired because they're in conflict with people, right.
Speaker 1: I mean, you know, it doesn't matter how talented you are.
Speaker 1: If you can't get a lot of people, no one
Speaker 1: wants you on the team. I started doing this work
Speaker 1: with people in my company and you know, and people
Speaker 1: were like, wow, this is amazing. So then I started
Speaker 1: looking at what do you do for you know, what
Speaker 1: do you do for you know, burnout? While they say
Speaker 1: change your attitude, change your perspective? Well great, how the
Speaker 1: jersey again, how the f do you do that? So
Speaker 1: I went back to my friend and I'm like, what
Speaker 1: do I do with all this information? So she helped
Speaker 1: me see my like my initial beliefs and you know,
Speaker 1: and I got deep with them. And she was into
Speaker 1: all these other books too, Like one book that I
Speaker 1: love is it's called Discover the Power Within You by
Speaker 1: Eric Butterworth, and it was just, you know, it was
Speaker 1: just all about like how do you do develop your
Speaker 1: own personal affirmations? And so I loved it. And I
Speaker 1: got to see like, if I'm refeeling not belonging and
Speaker 1: I think I'm not good enough and I go to
Speaker 1: fear and I'll never belong, well I needed to do that.
Speaker 1: I'm worthy as I am and I belong right here,
Speaker 1: and that became my mantra. Right. But then when the
Speaker 1: traits would flare up, which they would, because you know,
Speaker 1: you feel threatened in a conversation, someone does something, the
Speaker 1: fear gets stoked. What do you do? You know that's
Speaker 1: me When I realized I had to breathe out fear
Speaker 1: and breathe in centeredness and calm, you know, breathe out
Speaker 1: self reliance, Breathe in the ability to ask for and
Speaker 1: accept help, you know, breathe out fear that I will
Speaker 1: lose people if I set boundaries, breathe in the ability
Speaker 1: to set them. I mean, I was able to really
Speaker 1: work in a way that was intentional. And I then
Speaker 1: understood what all the behavioral experts talk about in terms
Speaker 1: of mindfulness, all the mindfulness experts, I couldn't underst stand
Speaker 1: any of that. And once I did, I was like, Wow,
Speaker 1: I can create my own personalized mindfulness practice. So really,
Speaker 1: I named it Aurora because it's she's the goddess of
Speaker 1: Dawn in Roman mythology, and it means at any point
Speaker 1: you can start over, no matter how deep the storm
Speaker 1: is on the inside and you're struggling in conflict, you
Speaker 1: can break free and find that personal fulfillment again. So
Speaker 1: I hope that answered your question. I know was a
Speaker 1: long answer.
Speaker 2: Well, I can relate to so much and that's why
Speaker 2: I really wanted to have you on the show because
Speaker 2: I myself am over ten years sober and I actually
Speaker 2: my book is coming out today called wake Up, You're
Speaker 2: Not Broken, and it's a companions to your first thirty
Speaker 2: days of sobriety, right, so walking you through that, the emotions,
Speaker 2: the physical part of sobriety, what you're going to be feeling,
Speaker 2: what you're going to be going through. While that is
Speaker 2: all very important. Once you are able to get through
Speaker 2: those those let's just say first six months, really, then
Speaker 2: you can start retraining how you're thinking. And that's what
Speaker 2: you do, and that's and that's where the change really
Speaker 2: begins to happen. Because I put up all the walls.
Speaker 2: I was an overachiever. I thought that I could do
Speaker 2: it all on my own. I didn't rely on people,
Speaker 2: and people were replaceable and if you did me wrong, I.
Speaker 3: Was out right.
Speaker 2: Maybe not initially, but once once I hit the final right.
Speaker 3: That was it. The plateau. You're done.
Speaker 1: You're done, right, absolutely, yep, burnout slowly erose relationships.
Speaker 2: Yep, yeah, and I had really I had a lot
Speaker 2: of difficulties in relationships, but it was once I started
Speaker 2: that work looking at myself that I was able to
Speaker 2: start changing my relationships exactly. I mean I thought I
Speaker 2: didn't want to be with my husband, and then once
Speaker 2: I started the work, I mean, we have the best
Speaker 2: marriage possible, right, So it really is incredible once you
Speaker 2: start doing this work. And you said about not understanding
Speaker 2: it and the mindset work. So if you're someone right
Speaker 2: now listening and you're not there, you're not understanding what
Speaker 2: do you mean, breath work? What do you mean afromage?
Speaker 2: Are you looking at myself and going deep? Like it
Speaker 2: may not make sense right now, but it's once you
Speaker 2: start reading, once you start listening to people that are
Speaker 2: doing this work and sharing about it, it's these little
Speaker 2: bitty shifts that start happening for you and it starts
Speaker 2: making sense, and then you it's so important that you
Speaker 2: must do the work, you must put the action in
Speaker 2: because otherwise it doesn't work exactly.
Speaker 1: And I'm sorry, no, go ahead, Yeah, I was going
Speaker 1: to say to add to that, you know, I want
Speaker 1: to say for anyone who's out there who because I
Speaker 1: tried everything, and so you know, I learned this work.
Speaker 1: But then, like everything right, like you exercise, you lose weight,
Speaker 1: then you stop exercising, you you know, go on a diet,
Speaker 1: you lose weight, then you go back and eat the
Speaker 1: things you're not supposed to. What I found when my
Speaker 1: friend showed me this and I started, you know, and
Speaker 1: I figured out how to practice my mindfulness. It's it's
Speaker 1: easy to back off of stuff. But the one thing
Speaker 1: I was going to say is is that if you've
Speaker 1: tried so many things and you feel like nothing works,
Speaker 1: I could tell you this does right, and you can
Speaker 1: and Marcia you can say you can say the same thing.
Speaker 1: The thing is is it's daily practice. Mindset is daily
Speaker 1: practice and rewiring. You know, if we're hardwired, yeah, we
Speaker 1: can rewire, but we have to continue to maintain that wire.
Speaker 1: If we don't, it's like we just naturally go back
Speaker 1: to those feelings of you.
Speaker 2: And we were wired that way from everything that happened
Speaker 2: in our past.
Speaker 1: Exactly. So because we take a lot.
Speaker 2: To rewire it when we had a decision to do it, yes, exactly.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: And one of the things that so once I got vulnerable,
Speaker 2: once I surrendered, like wow, first of all, asking for help, yep,
Speaker 2: so difficult. But I myself, I got a DUI. I
Speaker 2: almost had, you know, an accident, but thank god I didn't.
Speaker 3: I lived with that shame. I lived with the guilts.
Speaker 3: So you know, parallels there also.
Speaker 2: But once I knew it was like once I dropped
Speaker 2: being the victim and I woke up that next day
Speaker 2: and I got vulnerable and I asked my husband for help.
Speaker 2: That was incredible. But I know people feel like it's
Speaker 2: a weak thing to do. Why is vulnerability actually the
Speaker 2: key the key to making the change?
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think a lot of us look at vulnerability
Speaker 1: as weakness. The thing is is when we become vulnerable,
Speaker 1: we become open, and that, to me is the key.
Speaker 1: I when I first, you know, when this happened to me,
Speaker 1: you know, I it was horrific. I wanted to die
Speaker 1: for like six months. I mean I fantasized about this
Speaker 1: execution plan of how I'm going to die for six months,
Speaker 1: driving every day to work. And when I went through
Speaker 1: with it, it was around the holidays, and so you know,
Speaker 1: it was it was hard. It was like you said,
Speaker 1: you know, that's shame. And honestly, this is the first time.
Speaker 1: That was December twenty first of nineteen ninety nine. I
Speaker 1: am now finally able to talk about that, okay, because
Speaker 1: in my in my career, you know, you know, I
Speaker 1: have to you have to wear the veneer, right, I
Speaker 1: mean professionally when you're managing it all, you don't want
Speaker 1: anyone to think that you know, you're cracking. But meanwhile,
Speaker 1: on the outside, I had it all. I had it all,
Speaker 1: the house, the luxury of vacations, the car and the
Speaker 1: nice cars in the driveway, you know, the big job,
Speaker 1: all the money, right, But meanwhile inside I'm falling apart.
Speaker 1: And what I learned was and this one book really
Speaker 1: got me. So I'm you know, I'm going to therapy
Speaker 1: blah blah blah. And this book it's an oldie but goody.
Speaker 1: It's called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by
Speaker 1: Susan Jeffers. And what she tells you to do is
Speaker 1: she tells you to be vulnerable and just pick one person,
Speaker 1: which is what I did. And picking that one person,
Speaker 1: it was like, I put my hand out, like please,
Speaker 1: I just want to tell someone what happened because I
Speaker 1: was so ashamed, and she extended her hand back, and
Speaker 1: luckily for me, she was in a twelve step program.
Speaker 1: She had all these tools that I had never in
Speaker 1: my life even seen understood. But it brought back everything
Speaker 1: I learned and it made it. It helped me internalize
Speaker 1: it because I like the work of Carl Jung, and
Speaker 1: Carl Jung says, when you can make conscious what's been unconscious,
Speaker 1: you can change your life. And so when she showed
Speaker 1: me how to look at how my life experienced to
Speaker 1: shape my thinking, it was like, Wow, what was shaped
Speaker 1: can be reshaped. I get everything that everyone's saying. Now,
Speaker 1: how do I reshape it? You know? What is it?
Speaker 1: You know? And when I saw it, when I saw it,
Speaker 1: it was it was my willingness to be vulnerable, and
Speaker 1: that willingness opened me up to a place where I
Speaker 1: could receive the help I needed and the guidance. And
Speaker 1: getting that guidance, I mean, it enhanced what I did
Speaker 1: in therapy. It enhanced every book that I had ever
Speaker 1: read in psychology. It was amazing. And so then it
Speaker 1: wanted me to you know, it not wanted me, but
Speaker 1: it propelled me to want to learn more about how
Speaker 1: to build that relationship and restore it with myself. And
Speaker 1: more importantly, how do I break through these fractures that
Speaker 1: I created from my burnout? Because my you know, what
Speaker 1: I found is when I'm burned out, you know, it's
Speaker 1: almost like those hard wires come It's not that they
Speaker 1: come back, but all of a sudden, you're only seeing
Speaker 1: life through this straw, right, You're only seeing the thought distortion.
Speaker 1: Nobody cares see, No one cares, you know, and you're
Speaker 1: just fueled when you don't give yourself grace and space
Speaker 1: to be with yourself and support yourself. That's what I learned,
Speaker 1: and you know, and for me, when I recognize that
Speaker 1: those those thought distortions take over, it's like, no wonder.
Speaker 1: I need to do this daily because life is filled
Speaker 1: with pressure. We have a twenty four hour on culture now, right,
Speaker 1: we don't. You don't get a break. You got to
Speaker 1: meet it. I love you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Yeah, you can slip, and that's why you just
Speaker 2: got to keep yourself on track and you can do
Speaker 2: it all day long.
Speaker 3: You can get yourself back on.
Speaker 1: Well you want to do Yeah, you're right. I call
Speaker 1: it the one minute reset because it said me sitting
Speaker 1: in a meeting and I'm breathing in, breathing out no one.
Speaker 1: It's not like I'm sitting there like you know, I'm
Speaker 1: just like calmly like I you know, I'm staring, but
Speaker 1: it's as if my eyes were closed and I'm just
Speaker 1: breathing in and breathing out, and I'm nodding and slowly
Speaker 1: blinking my eyes, and I'm resetting myself.
Speaker 3: Right, resetting myself.
Speaker 2: And you could change the words that you say, change
Speaker 2: the words that you say to yourself, and you know,
Speaker 2: walking into that fear doing it anyway, I've learned to
Speaker 2: do that right, and we don't move forward. And one
Speaker 2: of the one last thing I just it's amazing how
Speaker 2: many things I relate to you with you about And
Speaker 2: I used to think, not necessarily that I wanted to
Speaker 2: pass away, but I was so exhausted. I would be like,
Speaker 2: if I could just get in a car accident, I
Speaker 2: could just lay in the hospital and I wouldn't I
Speaker 2: wouldn't have to live. I could just take care of myself.
Speaker 2: And how sad that we would have to think that
Speaker 2: way just to take care of ourselves to get right.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's set emotional bankruptcy. And the thing that I've
Speaker 1: learned is is that you know, I created that bankruptcy
Speaker 1: because I was not willing to put myself first. We
Speaker 1: didn't know how right they didn't. I will say, though,
Speaker 1: I've worked with women who, like I said, hadn't had
Speaker 1: our experiences. You experienced addiction in your life, I did.
Speaker 1: In mind, that was the most profound shakeup for me
Speaker 1: in terms of trauma that period of my life. But
Speaker 1: I've worked with women, you know, executives, physicians because of
Speaker 1: the industry I was in. And one of my favorite
Speaker 1: stories is a woman. She's a physician. She didn't grow
Speaker 1: up with any trauma, any addiction, anything like that, but
Speaker 1: yet she struggled, and she had conflicts with others. And
Speaker 1: when I did the Aurora method with her, you know,
Speaker 1: what she saw was her wound. Her refeel was she
Speaker 1: felt rejected by some girls when I forget if she
Speaker 1: was between ten to eleven somewhere around there and right,
Speaker 1: but she felt rejected. She went home. So it is
Speaker 1: trauma because we're all wounded. The thing, though, was she
Speaker 1: went home, she asked her her mom, her mom or dad,
Speaker 1: I can't remember, but one of her parents like, do
Speaker 1: you think I'm fat? Because she thought it was her
Speaker 1: weight is why they were rejecting her. So of course
Speaker 1: busy parents they were like that's ridiculous, right, They just
Speaker 1: you know, like that's ridiculous. No, you're fine, And she
Speaker 1: internalized that as nobody supports me. Okay me. What I've
Speaker 1: learned is that we're all wounded, right, we all have
Speaker 1: experiences in our lives that we internalize that create these
Speaker 1: initial beliefs. And so for her, was hers was basically
Speaker 1: nobody supports me. It was a security emotional security thing.
Speaker 1: She didn't feel emotionally safe. They were great parents, right,
Speaker 1: So what we got to see was how that no
Speaker 1: one supports me it played out at work. It was
Speaker 1: really wreaking havoc in her marriage. And once we got
Speaker 1: her to the reset and shifted and she started practicing
Speaker 1: mindfulness with it, I am like she still calls me
Speaker 1: to this day and it's like, oh my god, oh
Speaker 1: my god, like everything's gone upset, right.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it works is amazing.
Speaker 2: Yeah. So tell us about your book, Life Storms. When
Speaker 2: did it come out?
Speaker 1: So here's My Life Storms, Finding Your Clear Sky. And
Speaker 1: so the whole idea is is for those of us
Speaker 1: who have emotional burnout, what happens we're reactive all the time, right,
Speaker 1: we you know, and we got ashamed of how we
Speaker 1: react and respond. So the life storm is really the
Speaker 1: daily churn right that we have. We're under pressure all
Speaker 1: the time, and if you've healed from burnout, the symptoms
Speaker 1: do come back. With my own experience, that's why. But
Speaker 1: finding your clear Sky is all about how to practice
Speaker 1: mindfulness and how to overcome those negative thinking uh tho,
Speaker 1: that negative thinking that comes along with it that keep
Speaker 1: us stuck in what I call the city of limitation.
Speaker 1: And also how do we I was put it here,
Speaker 1: how do we build connection and find personal fulfillment because
Speaker 1: I for me found that personal fulfillment is an inside job.
Speaker 1: I was seeking it outside of myself, the big job,
Speaker 1: the salary, the car, the house. Today fulfillment means. What
Speaker 1: it means is connection, you know, connection with the people
Speaker 1: in my life and just having that joy, that inner joy,
Speaker 1: and getting there took time. But the book is really
Speaker 1: it's a step by step framework. As I said, I
Speaker 1: named it the Aurora Method to let you know that
Speaker 1: no matter you know, you don't have to wait for
Speaker 1: life to calm down, no matter the storm, you actually
Speaker 1: can change right now if you give yourself permission to
Speaker 1: do it. And I encourage every woman, every every person
Speaker 1: who's struggling, who's ready for change, you know, who want
Speaker 1: to uncover what's driving their relationship conflicts and burnout, who
Speaker 1: wanted you know, you know, break the patterns, the negative patterns,
Speaker 1: and keep them stuck and go back to feeling connected
Speaker 1: right and coming from a place of calm and centeredness
Speaker 1: and confidence rather than reactivity. This is for you, and
Speaker 1: that's what the book's about.
Speaker 3: Oh. I love that. I love that.
Speaker 2: I you know, it's a lot of us do react
Speaker 2: to life and we don't even understand that we're doing
Speaker 2: it or understand it.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 2: I used to move all the time, and because my
Speaker 2: life was in chaos, thinking that it would get better,
Speaker 2: and ultimately I was always taking myself with me.
Speaker 3: So yeah, the chaos always followed, right, Well, that's.
Speaker 1: The mattern, right, So that was your pattern.
Speaker 2: But I had to change myself and breaking those patterns
Speaker 2: and also generational cycles. That's one of the things that
Speaker 2: I talk a lot about and I always say, and
Speaker 2: I'm so glad that you incorporate the work because I
Speaker 2: always say, I wish everyone had the twelve Steps in
Speaker 2: their lives, because it is life changing. So I've had therapy,
Speaker 2: but truly the changes came through the work I did
Speaker 2: through the twelve Steps and also the mindset work connecting spirituality.
Speaker 2: You've got to have community moving from that place of lack, moving.
Speaker 3: Into gratitude and was content.
Speaker 2: It is so vital and just for everyone out there
Speaker 2: to know that really they're not alone and there's so
Speaker 2: many connections out there that can help you or or
Speaker 2: they're already there. They're there, you just need to acknowledge
Speaker 2: that they're there. And community is so important and going within.
Speaker 2: Everything you need is within you and right so we're
Speaker 2: all always on the hamster wheel and we're always looking
Speaker 2: for the accolades and the validation outside of ourselves, but
Speaker 2: putting on our own oxygen mask first so we can
Speaker 2: be the best for ourselves and then the best for others,
Speaker 2: because we are nothing and if we're not taking care
Speaker 2: of ourselves, we're no good for anyone. And there's so
Speaker 2: many people that rely on us as the woman. True,
Speaker 2: we truly do carry a lot, but it's so important
Speaker 2: that we do prioritize ourselves. And it doesn't even have
Speaker 2: to be a lot of time, it's just and if
Speaker 2: you're someone like, I'm sure you, Tracy, schedule it, put
Speaker 2: it in your calendar like you put everything else.
Speaker 1: Well, no, it's true. I mean I wait for me personally.
Speaker 1: I wake up in the morning, I take about five
Speaker 1: minutes for myself of quiet, you know. And quiet's hard
Speaker 1: because you have like I got this, I got that,
Speaker 1: I got this, but it's finding it. And I go
Speaker 1: back and I want to just again say, you know,
Speaker 1: my friend who was in that twelve step program, I mean,
Speaker 1: the level of wisdom she shared with me was amazing,
Speaker 1: and you know, and basically, you know, I remember, you know,
Speaker 1: she would want me to try and quiet my mind,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I don't know how to quiet my mind,
Speaker 1: like you know. And she's say, well, did you ever
Speaker 1: learn anything quiet your mind? I'm like, well, yeah, back
Speaker 1: in college, I learned this exercise where you stare at
Speaker 1: a candle and you see the flame in your mind's eye.
Speaker 1: She goes, how long did that take? I'm like, I
Speaker 1: don't know. A minute. She goes, sit down and do it.
Speaker 1: It's like really okay, but anyway, I found that minute.
Speaker 1: But then I found other things to do and I
Speaker 1: like to stretch, right, so I sit and I stretch
Speaker 1: in the morning, and I take that stretch and I
Speaker 1: go through my intention of what I you know, who
Speaker 1: I want to be today, right, Like, I don't want
Speaker 1: to be that reactive Tracy. I want to be centered
Speaker 1: in calm, you know. I want to be open and
Speaker 1: receptive to challenges, you know, I you know, and not react, right.
Speaker 1: I want to be kind and understanding, not coming from
Speaker 1: self righteousness all the time. Like I had to learn
Speaker 1: what the oppos it was of these traits. And so
Speaker 1: those are my intentions now. And when I do that,
Speaker 1: I have a pretty good day. But yeah, do I
Speaker 1: get derailed, absolutely right, And when I get robbed. It's
Speaker 1: not about going back to the drama and the chaos
Speaker 1: that does this on the inside. It's about, Okay, I
Speaker 1: have one minute reset I could do right now. There's
Speaker 1: so much we can do, and I, you know, and
Speaker 1: for anyone out there who's struggling, I mean, the thing is,
Speaker 1: the thing I had to do is give myself permission
Speaker 1: to put myself first. And you know, and basically I
Speaker 1: needed to ask myself, am I ready to rethink my approach?
Speaker 1: Because my approach wasn't working. It took me to wanting
Speaker 1: to kill myself, right, Am I ready? Am I ready
Speaker 1: to rethink that? Am I ready to reset myself? Am
Speaker 1: I ready to restore relationships with you know, with myself
Speaker 1: and with other people? And if you can unequivocally answer
Speaker 1: those questions, yes, and you're ready for change?
Speaker 3: Yeah, you are?
Speaker 1: You are?
Speaker 2: And I know that a lot of times we maybe
Speaker 2: don't make the change because we don't think we can,
Speaker 2: but you really can.
Speaker 3: I did have to hit the rock bottom.
Speaker 2: I tried to create change for myself and then I
Speaker 2: convinced myself that I didn't need the change.
Speaker 3: But you know what, that's okay.
Speaker 2: That's why they say if you have a setback or
Speaker 2: you relapse in life, just be be gentle and be kind.
Speaker 2: You're human, And like Tracy and I, Tracy was just sharing.
Speaker 3: Trying to be.
Speaker 2: Peaceful and not be reactive, but realizing that you're human
Speaker 2: and if you do it, if you do this work,
Speaker 2: you can literally realize that you're doing it and and
Speaker 2: and just change it quickly and and reverse what you're doing, right,
Speaker 2: because a lot of times just remember like reacting to
Speaker 2: life and then you've made a situation so much worse,
Speaker 2: and now you've got to go and apologize or try
Speaker 2: to make it better or run away. Right, So it's
Speaker 2: just you just do come become so much more resilient
Speaker 2: in life, and and just you can manage life in
Speaker 2: a whole different way. So, Tracy, where can we find you?
Speaker 2: I'm so grateful for this conversation.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so well, the books have available on Amazon and
Speaker 1: in multiple formats. I know how busy people are, but
Speaker 1: I'm at Tracy. You know, Tracy Doyle dot life. You
Speaker 1: know www dot Tracy Doyle dot life. That's where I'm at.
Speaker 1: But if anyone out there, you know, is really struggling,
Speaker 1: it's just meet with Tracy dot coach. I'm happy to
Speaker 1: give a three thirty minute consultation if you're ready for change,
Speaker 1: because this work is groundbreaking. It blows your mind when
Speaker 1: you have clarity, because it gives you clarity on top
Speaker 1: of giving you the to improve your communication. That's what
Speaker 1: it teaches you.
Speaker 3: Communication is key. That's what I talk about.
Speaker 2: One of the first things I have the care method
Speaker 2: communicating with others and is just so vital to create
Speaker 2: the change of how we communicate. And you showed that
Speaker 2: through your communication with your mother and how the outcome
Speaker 2: was so different.
Speaker 3: So for all those out there.
Speaker 2: If this conversation spoke to you, share it with someone
Speaker 2: who needs to hear it. And Tracy, thank you again
Speaker 2: for coming on Wake Up with Marcy.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Marcy, and congratulations on your book. It sounds
Speaker 1: really great.
Speaker 3: Thank you so much.
Speaker 2: And for all those out there, if you're in your
Speaker 2: own healing journey.
Speaker 3: Please check out Tracy's.
Speaker 2: Book when it comes to emotional burnout and rediscovering yourself.
Speaker 2: And if you are ready to surrender to a life
Speaker 2: without alcohol, please check out my new book, wake Up
Speaker 2: You're Not Broken, which is a compassionate guide guiding you
Speaker 2: through the first thirty days of sobriety, helping you to
Speaker 2: understand the emotions, the mental side, and the physical challenges.
Speaker 3: Of early recovery.
Speaker 2: This book reminds you that you are not broken, you
Speaker 2: are healing, and a new life is possible. So remember
Speaker 2: your becoming and it is time to wake up to
Speaker 2: your worth. I'm Marcy Hopkins and this is Wake Up
Speaker 2: with Marcy and I'll see you with a new episode
Speaker 2: every Thursday.