Speaker 1: A Christmas crime. Missus Tigilbert was a stately looking girl
in a soft white gown with a scarf of the
same material tied lightly about her shoulders. There was a
sort of Marie an Dooinette's suggestion in her aspect, and also,
as it were, the shadow of a brooding sorrow hanging
over her. She was from somewhere or other. We haven't
always time in this busy world of ours to find
out where everybody is from. There was a general impression
that she had lately come back from abroad. She was
visiting in town. She was a friend of our hostess,
Missus grumbold Or had been particularly recommended to her, and
that lively young matron had invited her for this dinner.
People came rather late, and Missus Grumbled, busy with about
a hundred things at once, as was her usual custom,
was not able to tell much about this guest in
advance either. Mister Grasseletree, who took mister Gilbert in, was
particularly impressed by her. Indeed, he induced the hostess to
change the arrangement already made and give her to him.
Towards him, on the contrary, she showed as much asperity
as politeness permitted. If he drew from her an occasional, rare,
pale smile, it was only by the exertion of his
utmost powers of entertainment. Who was mister Grasseletree, Oh, Grosseletree
was a kind of law unto himself. He was one
of those persons such as we meet with in our
journeys about the club and of town. In short, Grosseletree
was Grasseletree. It was Christmas Eve. After dinner, A couple
of standard young bunjo players of North America gave some selections.
Miss Amy Goboy of the Amateur Comedy Company recited a
sweet thing or two, and then we settled down upon
the floor to tell ghost stories. We spread out a
lot of cushions comfortably all around, and in the midst
sat a large teen pan containing a plate in which
burned a mixture of salt and alcohol. This cast a pale,
flickering light over all the faces and gave the proper
weird and ghastly effect. In spite of this, however, the
ghost stories rather languished. Mister Grausseltrey now all at once
drew a heavy sigh, keeping Miss Ernest and de Gilbert
it might be noted well under observation, speaking of Christmas presents,
said he, when nobody at all had been speaking of
Christmas presents. Speaking of Christmas presents, fellow sufferers, I'd like
to submit a case to you, anything up to a
packing case. Now is your time. There are stockings here
that will hold it. Speak for yourself, mister Chinkerton, said
Missus grumbled. I thought it more magnanimous to speak for
miss Gubboy or Missus ten Stroke. Both those young ladies
uttered shrill exclamations of protest and resentment at this audacity.
Now suppose a man had bought a present for another
man and then yielded to the temptation of keeping it himself,
went on Grasseltree. Mister Grasseletree has yielded to a temptation.
I'm not surprised at it at all. I think him
quite capable of it, said Elsie Tenstroke. Tell us all
about it, clamored the company. Well, it's like this. You
see before you one who whom which? But let it pass.
Despise me if you will, but hear me. I know
not why I speak to you of this now, but
probably because there comes to every conscious burdened criminal, a
moment when all considerations of prudence must be laid aside.
Oh indeed, said Missus grumbled, and she vivaciously threw with
him a small sopho pillow that made a convenient Missus.
I bought the nicest thing I could think of as
a Christmas present for a friend, and then couldn't bear
to give it to him. I robbed him, as it were.
He bowed his head as in gloomy remorse upon his hand,
and I could never look him in the face again.
It was only between you and yourself, wasn't it, asked
Amy Goboy. He never knew it, And besides, a person
has a right to change his mind. No, that was
the worst of it. There was glaring testimony and proof
witnesses could be produced to show that I had actually
bought it for him. Well, it could be easily explained.
And I suppose nothing came of it. My dear friend
was ruined, and the article I had proposed to give
him would have saved him. That's all I am, the
cause of all his calamities. Will you stop your circumlocutions
and go on, demanded Missus grumbled, peremptorily, I used to
see the article in the show window day after day
as I passed by. I thought I could get it
at any time, and so was in no hurry. It's
the very thing for old Fred, I used to say
to myself and the others. It will suit him to
a tea. Old Fred shall have it, as sure as
my name is some grassel tree. One day it was missing,
and I had a regular panic. But I found it
had only been taken out of the window to be
shined up a bit. That decided me. I bought it
at once. Some poor devil of a mechanic had got
it up for himself originally, and it was the only
one of the kind. There never was a thing more
exactly adapted to Fred's case. At the name of Fred,
Miss di Gilbert, who had sat hitherto in dignified silence,
had visibly started and she began to pay close attention.
What was it? Demanded a chorus of voices. It was
a most ingenious invention. I returned to America with it
about three weeks afterwards. Do you want to drive us mad? Article?
Think invention? What was it? What was it? It was
an antoll a phobo tych is tougher on. That's what
it was, is that all of it? Do you get
a commission? Shall we leave orders for it at the grosses,
the stationer's or the blacksmiths. Tell us instantly what you
mean and seize this aggravating conduct. That's a part of it.
It was a musical early rising without alarm clock, oh, indeed,
only an alarm clock. No, without alarm clock. Instead of
springing at you in a ferocious way, as those clocks
usually do, like a kind of moral rattlesnake, it began gently, soothingly,
with soft, mellifluous notes, and gradually increased the pressure till
you were thrilled all over with an idea of the
grandeur and glory of getting up to breakfast and going
about your day's work. I tell you what, when you
had once known the antol aphabot tachis staffer on, it
was inviolable. But at first I had hesitated between that
and a thlough pill acousticon. Is that all of it?
And would your friend have liked that too? He was
an amateur of all curious contrivances, and I am sure
you would What was that curious contrivance? Oh? That was
a combined crush hat and acoustic fan. You could use
it at the opera, you know, or a concert for
bringing the sounds nearer, And it might serve to fill
up a gap in the conversation now and then, or
a gap in one's information. Even this would have saved
him from much of the misery into which he fell.
I was Fred Bradstock's worst enemy. Imagine the feelings with
which I first met him, after thus purloining his property.
Miss Ernndstinder Gilbert started now, indeed, one would say she
had some peculiar interest in this name. Missus grumbled, endeavored
in the dark to kick the narrator warningly with her
small foot, but did not succeed in reaching him. If
it's Red Bradstock you mean here put in her husband,
you are not troubled with confronting him. Very much. Of late,
he's been at the Antipodes or somewhere near it, for
I don't know how long he's in the bermudas now,
I believe with a yachting party. Happily for me, yes
assented the narrator with a new access of mournfulness. What
I tell you of happened a good while ago. We
are judged by our intentions, and I felt guilty before
him even from the first, though I little suspected then
what genuine cause I was going to have for it
a gasp merging into a disdainful sniff, or a disdainful
sniff merging into a gasp came from the direction of Missigelbert.
The worst burden on me was the witnesses who had
known of my intentions. They all returned to this country
at once. I had to be a whole corps of
detectives in myself to keep them and fred apart. I
paid the fare of one of them to Florida, got
another away on some plausible pretexts to Montreal, and led
the third into such a good thing in an interest
of mine in a Montana stock ranch, that he couldn't
possibly refuse to go there. Why not confess if you
felt so badly about it, as you say, you do
not know the untole Aphobo the persuader. When you talk
like that, will you believe that I, inheriting a nervous
temperament and almost constitutionally incapable of sleeping after seven in
the morning, actually cultivated the habit of taking opiates to
enjoy as much as possible, the delightful sensation of being
waked up by the aunt all a Faubow Tackey's staffer,
on are all your long names strictly necessary? Demanded Miss
Amy Gobboy suspiciously. Are they really the names of the things?
They strike me as very good names for the things,
and I give them for what they are worth. You see,
the case of Red was peculiar. On the one hand,
he had some heart trouble and couldn't be called by
any of the existing alarm clocks because their wattling metallic
things might have scared him into an untimely grave. On
the other hand, he needed some assistance, for he could
not be depended upon to wake up on his own account.
Out of these conditions developed to the possibility for evil
in My Duplicity, in all its glaring horror. Charlie Chinkerton,
a versatile genius, had placed himself at the piano and
was playing a slow accompaniment to the narrative. But the
last words he struck two or three chords of heavily
ominous import I began to trace constantly in Fred's record
the baneful influence of my theft. There was the case
for instance where he lost the grizzly in California. His
guide inadvertently failed to call him, and the hand was
up and away three hours before he put in an appearance.
It was a stuffed greasily, it is true, but if
he had been there, he would have known it and
saved the reputation of the party, for he had been
taken in once with a stuffed deer in the Adirondacks
grosseel Tree. You are up to something in all this,
said our hostess. I don't know what it is, but
I think I ought to throw another sofa cushion at you,
and she proceeded to do so. You are too good,
said the story teller, easily catching this ineffective missile. Then
he continued the aunt. All the musical early Rising without
alarm Persuader would have saved him from being left by
the steam launch at the Ocean Yacht. It would have
saved him from being left the great rockaway Stipplechases, and
again it would have saved him from being late at
his broker's office the day that Cage and qu stock
jumped up twenty points in an hour. I need not
go over the list of all the other appointments, whether
of business or pleasure, he disastrously missed through the same cause.
But the really tragic episode was the breaking off of
his engagement. Chinkerton here struck a most discordant crush upon
the keys. This is really too much, exclaimed the hostess,
whether she meant Chickerton at the piano or some other circumstance.
Miss Gilbert, who had shown signs of extreme restlessness for
some time past, attempted to rise from the improvised divan.
It was not so easy a matter, however, in the
toilet of the day and before she had progressed far Grasseltreeck,
continuing imperturbably but more rapidly, had said, they say the
girl he was engaged to was a perfect fascinator, just
too pretty for anything. She was from somewhere out of
town Sprutin, Juville, Yonkers, Baltimore or something that way. She
was rich, a scuff of indignation from Miss Gilbert, engaged
in her efforts to get up, beautiful, refined, accomplished, most
charming in every way. She was, as I have been
told all that the most ardent fancy could paint, and
I I you conceive the bitterness of this avowal was
the sole cause of this breaking of that engagement. Missus
Gilbert settled back with a sigh upon her cushions. Missus
grumbled telegraphed her reassuringly with eyes and lips. He does
not know. I have not told anybody. It was apparent
that Graustletree could not be stopped. One thing was certain
that he held the attention of the company, particularly that
of its most perverse member, very fixedly. The union of
those two admirable persons exactly suited to each other was
prevented by the Antelafo the musical early rising producer. Once more,
poor Fred was missing at the critical moment the wedding, no,
but almost the next thing to it. His fiance's heart
had been set on having him appear at a certain
dinner to meet her relatives and so on. He did
not appear, and she threw him over, and that was
the end of it all. But it was only the
fault of not having the missing machine, and not his
own in the list. I'll tell you all about it.
One of the peculiarities of miss Er of his soffianced
a part of her charm, showing force and real character
was that she was implacable unchanging as the laws of
the Meads and Persians. It is a delicate matter to
touch upon, and I don't pretend to fathom the subtle
mysteries of the female heart. But I have somehow gathered
that there was another girl at the dinner who fluttered herself.
She might have been a successful rival for Fred's affections,
and it was thought he did not want to see
her so publicly. Of course, it is amply demonstrated that
there was nothing in this, if only by the fact
that Fred has never set eyes upon that one since.
But will you tell us what a musical alarm clock
can have had to do with his being late at dinner?
He don't want us to believe he slept all day.
I suppose it was in Philadelphia, And now I think
of it, it was in Philadelphia. They dined there in
the middle of the day. For all I know, it
was twelve o'clock sharp. But even if it was, considering
the occasion and that he was visiting there ex presley
on her account, he might have managed to get up
by noon at list once in his life. Oh he
did in did I happened to know that he did
a lot of things that day. Bright and early, he
went out to bring more and attended the city troop races.
He was on the jump from morning till night. But
then self contradictory person cried, missus grumbled, what are you
telling us? Why could he not have gone to the
dinner as well as elsewhere? He mistook the day? You know,
that's the point. He thought it was another day. But
in the name of long suffering patience, what had your
wretched alarm clock to do with his mistaking the day? Oh,
don't speak of it in that way, he protested, tenderly. Well,
your absurd alarm clock, then, pardon me, not an alarm clock.
It was a without alarm clock. It was a musical earlyer.
But what had that do with his mistaking the day? Oh? Yes,
it had a calendar attachment. Didn't I tell you about that?
Or did I only mention itself? Lighting candle? If he
had seen the calendar, you know, if he had seen
that index hand come round slowly but inexorably, pointing out
your Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, No such dreadful error could
have ever a reason. With this, the company began to
break up While the preparations for departure were going on,
mister Grasseltree and miss Ernest Sinde Gilbert gravitated together, casually,
as it were, and drew a little apart. How did
you know who I was? Asked the lady, with a languid,
proud way of poising her head from the description Yours
were the eyes, the hair, a certain stately carriage I
had heard of from Fred too often to be forgotten.
There was a particular charming dimple near the left corner
of the mouth. That will do. On that score. When
I discovered you here, I induced missus Grumbles by special
request to let me take you in? Did you indeed?
I half suspected it? Well, I knew you too. You
were one of his dissolute companions. Ha ha, laughed her auditor,
with only a rather hollow sort of mirth. However, tell me,
she continued, Was there a single word of truth in
all your ridiculous story? I really mean that there is
that there was about such a clock, And I really
mean that Fred adores the very ground you walk on.
He is one of the most wretched men in two hemispheres.
Without you there, that will do. Also were you serious
when you said that his health was not good, that
he was disposed to heart disease. Oh, reflected Grausseletree. So
the wind lies in that quarter. She takes a little interest.
After all, I honestly think his heart is in no danger,
he said aloud, except in so far as it may
be affected by his sufferings on your account. But you
have given him such an absurd, stupid character. He is
not the indolent person you represent him to be. He
occupies himself in a great many useful ways, besides in
his sports. Go back and say something that will set
those people right about him. It would hardly be necessary.
I fear those people are already in the habit of
taking Samuel Grasseltree's utterances with some grains of salt. Then
what does this all mean, she asked, infinitely puzzled that
I would give half I possess, as the novelists say,
to bring you and my old young friend Frederick Bradstock
together again. If in the meantime nothing has happened to
prevent it, why can it not be done? May I
venture to ask, with infinite respect whether anything has happened
on your side? No, she replied, diffidently nothing then, as
between two sensible and well disposed human beings. Frankly, why
can it not be done? No, no, it cannot be done.
I will not hear of it on any account. The
fact is he did not want to go to that
dinner from the first, and I had to try and
make him. I knew I must put my foot down
in the beginning. Now tell me the real reason why
he stayed away. I am sure you do not really
think old Fred would get up false ones to account
for it, expostulated his friend Grastletree. He has never given
any except that he forgot the day. Why not accept
that one? Then? By way of little variety, it's gospel truth.
I assure you Fred was in a strange town. He
had a lot of things to do, and he's always
something of a dreamer, you know, bless you, what's the
harm in a little absent mindedness? The greatest men have
been troubled by way. Look at me, I left my
best umbrella in the omnibus this very morning, All Fred bradstignits.
My dear missus Gigilbert is an accomplished wife with just
the right kind of wife to infuse your own method
and precision into shall we say, his madness. He'd be
a model of models in every particular. I daresay, rejoined
his hearer dryly. Let us hope he may get such
a one. I have seen him knock his head against
the wall on account of his conduct a dozen times.
It was so uncomplimentary to her, he says. It can
be explained. She treated me just as I deserved. She
couldn't have done otherwise. Of course I could not assented
ernest in Gigilbert, But flashing very much and almost tearful,
why didn't he do something further? He might have persisted,
He might have kept on trying to explain, as I
understand it, you would not see him. And poor Fred
was never gliped with his pen, If I am right? Also,
you returned some of his letters unopened. Am I right?
She lowered her head a trifle, as if in haughty
admission that this was so. But somehow the shadow of
a brooding sorrow did not seem to hang over mister
Gilbert half as much now as formerly. Fred got it
into his head at last that you were glad the
match was off, and that you liked some one else
better on this wrong tack as we now see it
was he tried to brace up by devoting himself to
other women, but it was all no go. I happened
to see it for myself, and I tell you there's
not an unhappier man in Christendom to day than that
same Fred Bradstock. You must go at once and say
something before all those people to set him right, exclaimed
his hearer a little irrelevantly, Ladies and gentlemen. Thereupon began gruttletree,
advancing in a sort of professional way, Ladies and gentlemen
of the company. I wish to say that, while driven
by a reckless despair, who is in overburdened conscience, I
may at the same time have seemed to depreciate another person.
Let me say that Fred Bradstock is no inmate of
the Castle of Indolence, and that while all the claims
of the untol aphobo Techistafferon remain as represented, anybody has
got to get up very early in the morning, indeed,
to catch him napping. I seem to feel too a
certain prophetic sense that the end of his troubles may
be near. I would withdraw no essential statement, but I
suggest that all that part of the allegations relating to
Frederick Bradstock be stricken out or construed only in that
Bigwikian sense so proper to these genial East thirty fourth
Street observance at this hospitable Christmas home, that is, this
homeless like Christmas occasion, at this observant. In short, I
am thoroughly convinced that so far from needing adventitious aids,
the more persons you sent to waken Frederic Bradstock, the
sounder he would sleep, whereas the fewer and the less
don't make it worse. Hastily whispered a voice at his sleeve,
and the next moment she began hesitatingly. Of course, if
you say, Fred's really sorry. In the very next mail
there went to the Bermuda's, a letter in which Frederick
Bradstock was assured that the chances of winning back his
old sweetheart were now most promising. I told them all
after dinner. The letter concluded, A wild tale of a
without alarm clock I had meant to give you by
hook and by crook. I fixed it all up with hair,
and it's rather a handsome piece of work on my part.
By the way, that clock isn't a bad one. I'll
send you the maker's name. I dare say they are
in the market by this time. Mister Gilbert's yours, my boy,
come home and take her, and the blessing of Samuel Grasseltree.
At the very earliest moment, too, returned an answer from
the bermudas I'm coming home, of course, his lucky young dog.
Why shouldn't he? Of course he is interpolated Grasseltree complacently,
I'm I'm bless me. What's this? What's this? I'm on
my wedding trip, married to a lovely girl I met
in the Islands. I've fair been on some time, but
you've been so deuced off these last few years. No
chance to tell you about it. Comparisons are odorous, but
the de Gilbert, well, the fact is that the Gilbert
was a little inclined to be domineering. Excuse a short letter.
Tell you all about it when we meet. Samuel Grasseltree
was not an accomplished whistler, but on this occasion he
whistled for an instant. He raised his hand against the
without alarm clock, as if to do it violent injury.
But instead of yielding to this impulse, he took it
down from the modest place it had occupied in his
bedroom and placed it boldly on the most conspicuous wall
of his apartment. After that, he sat down and reflected
on the diverse characters of the persons who had heard
history on Christmas Eve, and particularly on certain positive traits
in mister Gilbert. He began to think he would take
another European trip, and of a Christmas Crime by William Henry,
Bishop