WEBVTT 1 00:00:05.000 --> 00:00:08.080 I'm Ali. I came out after twenty years of marriage 2 00:00:08.119 --> 00:00:09.160 and I have three kids. 3 00:00:09.960 --> 00:00:12.359 I'm Melissa and I have two kids, and I came 4 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:14.960 out at thirty seven after an eleven year marriage. 5 00:00:15.400 --> 00:00:19.239 This podcast is about coming out later and the struggles 6 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:20.719 and victories that come with it. 7 00:00:21.160 --> 00:00:22.920 When coming out feels like the end of the world, 8 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:24.920 but it's really just the beginning. 9 00:00:25.640 --> 00:00:35.799 This is the Lesbian Chronicles, partly because. 10 00:00:35.600 --> 00:00:36.840 It's my brand as well. 11 00:00:37.320 --> 00:00:38.759 My brand is your brand. 12 00:00:38.960 --> 00:00:40.119 My brand is your brand. 13 00:00:40.679 --> 00:00:43.600 Welcome to the Lesbian Chronicles, where Melissa and I rise 14 00:00:43.640 --> 00:00:48.479 and fall together, have one hundred. When you're losing, I'm losing. 15 00:00:48.520 --> 00:00:49.439 The ship's sinking. 16 00:00:49.880 --> 00:00:52.600 Ship is sinking. We're both and we're bailing the water 17 00:00:52.679 --> 00:00:53.320 out together. 18 00:00:53.759 --> 00:00:54.359 Oh my god. 19 00:00:55.280 --> 00:00:58.880 Anyway, So Chicago, you had a fucking blast I did. 20 00:00:58.920 --> 00:00:59.520 It was great. 21 00:01:00.079 --> 00:01:03.439 Yeah, it's a great city. 22 00:01:03.479 --> 00:01:08.120 It reminded me a lot of Atlanta, like a bigger Atlanta, 23 00:01:08.319 --> 00:01:12.719 like just diversity, Like everybody's really nice. There's just so 24 00:01:12.760 --> 00:01:15.799 many different things to do. It's really pretty. The weather 25 00:01:15.959 --> 00:01:19.159 was great, so it was a lot of fun. And 26 00:01:19.439 --> 00:01:22.040 met up with one of our listeners, Shannon. Thank you 27 00:01:22.840 --> 00:01:25.280 showing me around. I hear she's going to come visit 28 00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:25.879 us here. 29 00:01:26.319 --> 00:01:26.799 Yeah. 30 00:01:26.920 --> 00:01:31.640 Yeah, she was a blastman. And we went to Whiskey 31 00:01:31.680 --> 00:01:34.920 Girl Tavern. It was a really fun little bar and 32 00:01:35.359 --> 00:01:38.159 a listener who will remain nameless. I got to meet 33 00:01:38.200 --> 00:01:41.799 her and her wonderful wife there. How did show you, 34 00:01:43.480 --> 00:01:46.200 I don't know, other than following like on Instagram and stuff, 35 00:01:46.239 --> 00:01:49.239 but it definitely made me feel pretty cool. But they 36 00:01:49.280 --> 00:01:51.959 were so sweet and I appreciated them coming over and 37 00:01:52.000 --> 00:01:54.719 talking with us and everything. And uh yeah, and I 38 00:01:54.760 --> 00:01:57.519 got to go see a show at Second City, which 39 00:01:57.599 --> 00:02:01.799 was so cool. The improv those people are just brilliant. 40 00:02:02.120 --> 00:02:04.799 I know, it blows my mind. 41 00:02:04.599 --> 00:02:05.319 To watch improv. 42 00:02:05.400 --> 00:02:07.719 These people just are so quick with it. It's so 43 00:02:07.799 --> 00:02:10.599 different than stand up comedy, where it's you know, curated 44 00:02:10.599 --> 00:02:12.520 and written previously. 45 00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:15.639 Like all the jokes. But and the river walk was fun. 46 00:02:15.840 --> 00:02:19.120 Like I sat there like a you know, little kid, 47 00:02:19.199 --> 00:02:22.280 watching the boats go by, And have you ever been 48 00:02:22.319 --> 00:02:24.479 there and watched them do this like with the drawbridges 49 00:02:24.520 --> 00:02:25.000 and stuff. 50 00:02:25.479 --> 00:02:27.479 I don't know about the draw bridges, but I've spent 51 00:02:27.639 --> 00:02:29.960 a lot of time in Chicago, so. 52 00:02:30.520 --> 00:02:33.800 Right along the riverfront there there's all these like there's 53 00:02:33.800 --> 00:02:36.240 a bunch of tour boats going by and just regular boats, 54 00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:38.680 but any of the tall ships they have to wait 55 00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:39.599 for the drawbridge. 56 00:02:39.759 --> 00:02:41.199 Yeah, so they can go under. 57 00:02:42.840 --> 00:02:43.639 Yeah yeah. 58 00:02:43.719 --> 00:02:46.080 And so like it's this whole process of like setting 59 00:02:46.159 --> 00:02:49.120 off the alarms and like lifting up the bridge and 60 00:02:49.159 --> 00:02:51.159 then they have to like wait in between for the 61 00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:52.199 next bridge to open. 62 00:02:52.360 --> 00:02:55.560 So I sat there for far too long watching this. 63 00:02:56.639 --> 00:02:59.000 Yeah, it was just so fun and like this group 64 00:02:59.000 --> 00:03:01.240 of friends pulled up on like their boat and just 65 00:03:01.319 --> 00:03:03.680 kind of hung out right there at the at the 66 00:03:03.759 --> 00:03:06.400 riverfront and waiting for the next strawbridge to come up. 67 00:03:06.439 --> 00:03:08.039 It was just like probably one. 68 00:03:08.000 --> 00:03:10.960 Of the most leisurely activities I've ever seen, because it's 69 00:03:10.960 --> 00:03:12.680 just like you don't have anywhere to be, you can 70 00:03:12.680 --> 00:03:13.840 wait for the next bridge. 71 00:03:14.120 --> 00:03:14.560 Totally. 72 00:03:14.840 --> 00:03:18.560 No, it's a great, great city. The food is delicious. Yes, 73 00:03:19.360 --> 00:03:22.879 it's easy to get around, like h l from. 74 00:03:22.680 --> 00:03:24.479 The airport into the city. 75 00:03:24.639 --> 00:03:28.199 It was like it's also like it's the Midwest, which 76 00:03:28.240 --> 00:03:30.800 I know I have my feelings about this, but I'm Midwestern, 77 00:03:31.400 --> 00:03:35.879 and to me, like, you know, there's something about Midwest people. 78 00:03:36.080 --> 00:03:37.879 I rarely meet one that I don't like. 79 00:03:38.520 --> 00:03:42.639 It's like real realness versus like Southern I've lived there 80 00:03:42.680 --> 00:03:44.360 I've spent a lot of time in New York City. 81 00:03:44.599 --> 00:03:47.360 I'm from the Midwest, and now I'm in the South. 82 00:03:47.479 --> 00:03:51.319 I can tell you they the Midwest these are really 83 00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:55.240 real nice people. The South is fake nice. The Midwest 84 00:03:55.360 --> 00:03:58.039 is real nice, and the Northeast is they just don't 85 00:03:58.039 --> 00:03:58.879 give a shit about you. 86 00:03:59.240 --> 00:04:02.680 I just to someone like that exact thing. 87 00:04:02.800 --> 00:04:06.840 I'm like, Southerners, They're gonna be nice to you, but 88 00:04:06.879 --> 00:04:11.520 it's like backhanded nice. Oh my god, Yeah, Midwesterners are 89 00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:14.800 like kind they would there the shirt off their back totally. 90 00:04:15.319 --> 00:04:18.160 That is my neighborhood growing up, That is my family, 91 00:04:18.279 --> 00:04:22.040 that is all my friends. There wasn't this like culture 92 00:04:22.279 --> 00:04:28.120 of keep up. It was just like genuinely goodness in 93 00:04:28.160 --> 00:04:30.160 a way that like I haven't seen in a place 94 00:04:30.199 --> 00:04:33.879 that I've lived before, besides maybe my neighborhood. Like I 95 00:04:33.920 --> 00:04:36.439 do feel that from my neighbors. But I would say 96 00:04:36.439 --> 00:04:39.600 Atlanta as a whole. I love Atlanta and I'm never leaving, 97 00:04:39.639 --> 00:04:42.040 So this isn't a dig on Atlanta. But I will 98 00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:46.399 say that, like Southerners in general, I don't find like 99 00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:51.399 religious kindness sometimes to me doesn't feel real right, Like 100 00:04:51.480 --> 00:04:54.319 it feels like a little bit like I don't know, 101 00:04:54.399 --> 00:04:56.839 Like I don't. It's just there's a there's a symptom 102 00:04:56.879 --> 00:04:58.279 here that I don't totally trust. 103 00:04:58.959 --> 00:05:01.079 They're they're just trying to I get one more step 104 00:05:01.120 --> 00:05:01.800 closer to heaven. 105 00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:04.000 Yeah, they want to get past they want to get 106 00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:05.040 a posse upstairs. 107 00:05:05.160 --> 00:05:06.920 Like you know, I really fed up a couple of 108 00:05:06.959 --> 00:05:08.399 years ago. I better make for. 109 00:05:08.279 --> 00:05:12.199 It, it's true, or even just like how are you 110 00:05:12.399 --> 00:05:15.040 like all this like bullshit back and forth, where like 111 00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:17.040 I just they don't have that in the midwak. 112 00:05:16.759 --> 00:05:19.439 I struggle with that so much to Yeah, that's small 113 00:05:19.480 --> 00:05:20.199 talk kind of thing. 114 00:05:20.240 --> 00:05:23.639 And my mom when I moved here, I did okay, 115 00:05:23.720 --> 00:05:26.600 so I was a physical therapy major and that was 116 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:30.160 my degree, and I did a clinical internship in Atlanta, 117 00:05:30.279 --> 00:05:33.439 and I when I decided to stay here my parents, 118 00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:36.680 who are from d C but then reload to Indiana. 119 00:05:37.360 --> 00:05:39.639 My mom was like, I just want you to know, 120 00:05:39.800 --> 00:05:43.240 like I, the South is not the Midwest like you 121 00:05:43.480 --> 00:05:46.480 it's clicky. These women are not going to be accepting 122 00:05:46.600 --> 00:05:49.800 the way that they are where we live, Like, it's 123 00:05:49.839 --> 00:05:53.120 not you're not in Indiana anymore when you go to Atlanta. 124 00:05:53.199 --> 00:05:55.399 And I remember being like, that's the silliest thing I've 125 00:05:55.399 --> 00:05:58.439 ever heard. But then when I got here, I did. 126 00:05:58.639 --> 00:06:00.639 It took me a minute and then I was fine. 127 00:06:01.040 --> 00:06:03.439 But there is like a demographic and maybe this is 128 00:06:03.480 --> 00:06:06.000 true everywhere, but like as a mom, here I had 129 00:06:06.040 --> 00:06:09.439 my solid group. But I wouldn't say that like they 130 00:06:09.439 --> 00:06:13.120 are the nicest demographic. Like there's a cut throatness here 131 00:06:13.279 --> 00:06:15.480 that we did not have in my hometown. 132 00:06:16.040 --> 00:06:17.160 It's a little mean girls. 133 00:06:17.319 --> 00:06:18.639 It's a little mean girls. 134 00:06:19.240 --> 00:06:23.160 Like yeah, that whole Like, what is it? I think 135 00:06:23.199 --> 00:06:26.399 you're really pretty? Oh? Thank you? Oh so you agree? 136 00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:28.120 You think you're really pretty? 137 00:06:28.600 --> 00:06:32.680 Ohen does the best rendition of that I have? Yeah, 138 00:06:32.720 --> 00:06:33.560 I speak of my gun. 139 00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:37.959 Oh my god, it cracks me out so true. 140 00:06:38.000 --> 00:06:39.160 But I love Atlanta here. 141 00:06:39.199 --> 00:06:39.439 I am. 142 00:06:39.439 --> 00:06:41.360 I'm never leaving like I love it here. 143 00:06:41.600 --> 00:06:44.439 I know that's just it. So I think that's part 144 00:06:44.439 --> 00:06:44.680 of it. 145 00:06:44.720 --> 00:06:48.319 Is like Chicago reminded me of Atlanta, but like Atlanta 146 00:06:48.480 --> 00:06:51.600 is so like it's much smaller that I like it better. 147 00:06:52.160 --> 00:06:56.800 You know, I can say it's sprawling for sure, but 148 00:06:57.079 --> 00:06:58.839 I don't know. It's just like a little bit like 149 00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:00.639 things are a little closer together. 150 00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:03.639 All tend the city don't sleep on is Chattanooga. 151 00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:04.879 Oh my god. 152 00:07:04.959 --> 00:07:07.920 I was just thinking about this today because I want 153 00:07:07.920 --> 00:07:10.079 to find somewhere to take my kids this summer, and 154 00:07:10.120 --> 00:07:12.800 like their summer is so packed with camps and all 155 00:07:12.839 --> 00:07:14.720 this stuff, and I was like, why am I not 156 00:07:14.959 --> 00:07:17.319 doing Chattanooga. It's like right in the street. 157 00:07:17.199 --> 00:07:19.759 I am telling you, like, don't sleep on it. You 158 00:07:19.800 --> 00:07:23.560 can live in the mountains with a river rushing by 159 00:07:23.879 --> 00:07:26.040 for like nothing compared to here. 160 00:07:26.680 --> 00:07:29.839 It is. Almost got a job there like years ago. 161 00:07:30.240 --> 00:07:32.000 And their downtown is awesome. 162 00:07:32.480 --> 00:07:34.399 Yeah, and their aquariums great, Like. 163 00:07:34.439 --> 00:07:38.160 The aquarium's great, Like I just I the hiking is great, 164 00:07:38.240 --> 00:07:38.920 It's amazing. 165 00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:40.279 It's a great city. 166 00:07:40.360 --> 00:07:41.879 I think that's what we're going to do because I've 167 00:07:41.879 --> 00:07:45.560 been looking for somewhere that's like not too far so expensive, 168 00:07:46.360 --> 00:07:48.279 doesn't take a lot of time because we don't have 169 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:48.879 enough time. 170 00:07:49.000 --> 00:07:51.279 But I think that's what I'm going to look into. 171 00:07:51.519 --> 00:07:53.959 So it's anyone has recommendations on what to do with 172 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:56.560 kids there, because I was the other thing, a lot 173 00:07:56.600 --> 00:07:59.279 of people were so helpful about my Chicago trip with 174 00:07:59.319 --> 00:08:02.920 sending recommds, like I had lists of stuff and I 175 00:08:02.920 --> 00:08:03.560 could even. 176 00:08:03.399 --> 00:08:06.399 Do it all, like yeah, it was too much yeah. 177 00:08:06.160 --> 00:08:08.000 So many of the restaurants too, were booked up, so 178 00:08:08.040 --> 00:08:10.079 I'd kind of dropped the ball on the restaurant thing. 179 00:08:10.240 --> 00:08:12.319 But I did have a deep dish pizza that's gonna 180 00:08:12.360 --> 00:08:14.600 live in my, like my brain forever. 181 00:08:14.839 --> 00:08:15.439 What was it called? 182 00:08:15.480 --> 00:08:17.519 That was the place called gir Donno's. 183 00:08:17.600 --> 00:08:19.480 I think it was okay, sure if I'm saying that right, 184 00:08:19.600 --> 00:08:22.680 but yeah, probably like the top one, I guess. 185 00:08:22.720 --> 00:08:25.199 Yeah. But they had a personal pan. 186 00:08:25.319 --> 00:08:28.040 It was adorable and it was like the perfect size 187 00:08:28.079 --> 00:08:29.560 for me just being solo. 188 00:08:30.040 --> 00:08:31.160 You know, I love pizza. 189 00:08:31.800 --> 00:08:33.960 Yeah, dude, this pizza was so fucking good. 190 00:08:34.039 --> 00:08:37.000 What's your like eat meal? Like, if you if you 191 00:08:37.039 --> 00:08:40.200 could have one meal the last supper, what would it be? 192 00:08:41.120 --> 00:08:42.639 Oh man, that's a tough one. 193 00:08:42.720 --> 00:08:43.039 I know. 194 00:08:43.960 --> 00:08:46.639 Ah, it would be such a mixture though. 195 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:51.000 It would be like seafood and sushi and then like mashed. 196 00:08:50.720 --> 00:08:55.120 Potatoes, like deep dish pizza. Yeah, it would be a 197 00:08:55.159 --> 00:08:57.799 mess of food. So yeah, what about you? Would that 198 00:08:57.840 --> 00:08:58.879 be pizza? 199 00:08:59.200 --> 00:09:01.879 I don't mean my favorite thing dat is girl cheese 200 00:09:01.879 --> 00:09:05.360 and tomato soup. But that can be very disappointing, Like 201 00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:07.519 if people don't use enough butter, they use the wrong 202 00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:09.960 kind of bread, so I feel like that's a little 203 00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:12.720 bit hard because I would have to make sure that 204 00:09:12.759 --> 00:09:16.480 it's a very if that's my last one, who's making 205 00:09:16.559 --> 00:09:19.120 it and how are they doing it? But who's making 206 00:09:19.159 --> 00:09:23.840 my sandwich? But otherwise, pizza, for sure, I love pizza. 207 00:09:23.960 --> 00:09:26.080 Bad pizza is good. 208 00:09:26.120 --> 00:09:31.039 Tomato soup with some Greek yogurt instead of sour cream, yes, 209 00:09:31.320 --> 00:09:32.000 so freaking good. 210 00:09:32.039 --> 00:09:35.080 Okay, I've got to remember that. Let's get into our 211 00:09:35.200 --> 00:09:36.000 topic today. 212 00:09:36.279 --> 00:09:38.360 It's funny you sent me this voice memo and you're like, 213 00:09:38.399 --> 00:09:40.159 I'm reading a book, and then you're like, I'm not 214 00:09:40.200 --> 00:09:42.120 reading a book. I'm listening to it, and I do 215 00:09:42.159 --> 00:09:44.200 a lot of time. I know, I'm like, why do 216 00:09:44.240 --> 00:09:45.039 I feel like a liar? 217 00:09:45.080 --> 00:09:46.600 I'm still taking the information. 218 00:09:46.840 --> 00:09:49.000 It's the same thing, Reese Witherspoon says, it's the exact 219 00:09:49.000 --> 00:09:49.399 same thing. 220 00:09:49.799 --> 00:09:51.960 I feel like I have to like confess to my sin. 221 00:09:52.039 --> 00:09:54.320 And I'm listening to the book and not listening. 222 00:09:54.039 --> 00:09:57.000 To the book. Well, the truth about my life right 223 00:09:57.039 --> 00:09:58.799 now is if I don't listen to the book, I'm 224 00:09:58.840 --> 00:10:01.399 not doing the book because I don't have an hour 225 00:10:01.720 --> 00:10:03.840 to sit in my bed reading and I'm kind of 226 00:10:03.840 --> 00:10:07.120 I'm realizing a slow reader. Like somebody told me how 227 00:10:07.159 --> 00:10:09.840 long it took them to read our book club Book Strangers, 228 00:10:10.559 --> 00:10:13.360 and it was like a fraction of what it took me. 229 00:10:14.600 --> 00:10:17.039 So I mean that's just it with a With an audiobook, 230 00:10:17.559 --> 00:10:18.600 sometimes I'll speed it up. 231 00:10:18.919 --> 00:10:20.120 I always speed it up. 232 00:10:20.039 --> 00:10:23.080 So it's like, yeah, you're going through it so fast, 233 00:10:23.080 --> 00:10:25.159 but like, I don't know, it's almost like my brain 234 00:10:25.399 --> 00:10:26.360 processes it better. 235 00:10:26.879 --> 00:10:29.039 This is the problem. This is the social media problem. 236 00:10:29.120 --> 00:10:31.240 Like because I have a thing, I zone out and 237 00:10:31.240 --> 00:10:32.840 I start thinking of other things. 238 00:10:32.919 --> 00:10:36.320 But yeah, like audiobooks, I can do other stuff. 239 00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:38.519 I can clean, I can go for a walk whatever 240 00:10:39.240 --> 00:10:41.720 it's it's killing two birds with one stone. 241 00:10:41.480 --> 00:10:43.720 So totally. And I can work like my work. I 242 00:10:43.799 --> 00:10:45.679 can get in the zone and have a book going. 243 00:10:46.279 --> 00:10:50.000 Oh really yeah, that's once I know what I'm doing 244 00:10:50.039 --> 00:10:52.320 on a design, Like, once I'm clear of what the 245 00:10:52.360 --> 00:10:54.720 direction it's going. A lot of it is just I've 246 00:10:54.720 --> 00:10:57.639 done it so many times that I can put it 247 00:10:57.679 --> 00:11:01.360 together pretty With the books going, it's actually kind of 248 00:11:01.360 --> 00:11:06.360 a lovely eience. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like a lovely way. 249 00:11:06.519 --> 00:11:08.360 Like if I get into what do they call it 250 00:11:08.399 --> 00:11:11.120 the flow state? Yeah, if I get into a flow 251 00:11:11.159 --> 00:11:14.799 state on a design, I realize, like I do love 252 00:11:14.960 --> 00:11:15.440 my job. 253 00:11:16.039 --> 00:11:17.919 Yeah, like it's amazing. 254 00:11:18.120 --> 00:11:20.279 Yeah, Like you finish and you're like, wow, this is 255 00:11:20.279 --> 00:11:22.279 going to look so good. And then and then I 256 00:11:22.279 --> 00:11:24.840 get to pick who like renders it, and so like, 257 00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:27.559 if I'm really excited about it, I'll pick somebody that 258 00:11:27.639 --> 00:11:29.279 I know is going to just like crush it. 259 00:11:29.759 --> 00:11:31.799 Yeah anyway, but. 260 00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:34.360 Yeah, so what got me on this. I'm going through, 261 00:11:34.440 --> 00:11:38.320 as you know, probably more intimately than anyone, probably the 262 00:11:38.480 --> 00:11:41.200 hardest time ever that I've ever had. I know, people 263 00:11:41.320 --> 00:11:44.559 like she's been saying that for two years, but. 264 00:11:44.600 --> 00:11:47.559 She called me yesterday and I'm like, hello, I just 265 00:11:47.600 --> 00:11:50.639 want you to know that I'm having anxiety, like serious 266 00:11:50.679 --> 00:11:51.600 anxiety right now. 267 00:11:53.279 --> 00:11:57.600 Okay, it's so bad that I have to like verbalize it. 268 00:11:57.840 --> 00:12:00.480 I know, like it's a pit in my stomach, but 269 00:12:00.519 --> 00:12:00.879 it's like. 270 00:12:00.879 --> 00:12:02.559 The worst it's ever been I've got. 271 00:12:02.600 --> 00:12:05.399 Okay, do you have the feeling? 272 00:12:05.679 --> 00:12:07.600 This happens to me a lot when I'm waking up, 273 00:12:07.600 --> 00:12:09.799 And it happened the other day, like ahead of when 274 00:12:09.799 --> 00:12:11.519 I woke up Sunday morning in Chicago. 275 00:12:11.600 --> 00:12:13.679 My flight's note until four in the afternoon. 276 00:12:14.360 --> 00:12:17.879 But I'm waking up and I had this anxiety go 277 00:12:18.039 --> 00:12:21.799 through my body like a wave and it hurts like physicals. Yeah, 278 00:12:23.799 --> 00:12:26.159 if it's because I'm worried about the flight or what, 279 00:12:26.399 --> 00:12:29.480 but I hate it. It's physically painful. 280 00:12:29.879 --> 00:12:31.639 It's physically painful. 281 00:12:31.919 --> 00:12:33.679 And I would say, like, I know people are like 282 00:12:33.679 --> 00:12:36.759 she's been saying this for so long, but it's reaching 283 00:12:36.840 --> 00:12:40.200 like fever pitch. I the other day it was like 284 00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:44.519 a burning in my chest that I somebody was like, yeah, 285 00:12:44.519 --> 00:12:47.799 it's your hurt, Like, that's your hurt, that's this, that's 286 00:12:48.240 --> 00:12:50.360 so it's just yeah, I'm like, I know. 287 00:12:50.399 --> 00:12:52.879 You're like, my chest hurts. I'm like, does your left 288 00:12:52.960 --> 00:12:53.799 arm hurt? 289 00:12:56.000 --> 00:13:00.200 Let's attention to that seriously. But I saw I was 290 00:13:00.200 --> 00:13:03.080 telling a friend this. Okay, a long time ago, Tatum 291 00:13:03.159 --> 00:13:05.840 went through something and she read this book When Things 292 00:13:05.879 --> 00:13:09.440 Fall Apart, and Tatum like read this book and got 293 00:13:09.480 --> 00:13:12.480 so much out of it. And I remember thinking, like, noted, 294 00:13:12.679 --> 00:13:14.759 like she read this book, and she she she would 295 00:13:14.840 --> 00:13:16.120 keep coming to me. You know when you read a 296 00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:18.279 book that's got so much good stuff that you're like 297 00:13:18.360 --> 00:13:21.360 have to tell somebody. So she kept like calling me 298 00:13:21.440 --> 00:13:23.519 and being like and this like this makes so much 299 00:13:23.519 --> 00:13:27.320 sense and but you know she's she's a twenty and 300 00:13:27.399 --> 00:13:29.840 I'm not. So I was like, okay, it's a twenty 301 00:13:29.879 --> 00:13:32.679 year old reading this book. But then in going through 302 00:13:32.799 --> 00:13:35.120 what I'm going through right now, a feeling of like 303 00:13:35.600 --> 00:13:38.519 I would say, if I had to identify the feelings, 304 00:13:38.600 --> 00:13:44.840 it's shame, fear, and loss. Okay, if I really had to, 305 00:13:44.919 --> 00:13:49.919 like all big, all happening at once. And so a 306 00:13:49.919 --> 00:13:51.639 friend of mine was like, you really have to read 307 00:13:51.639 --> 00:13:54.960 this book When Things Fall Apart, like you'll you'll get 308 00:13:55.000 --> 00:13:56.759 this book when you need this book. And I think 309 00:13:56.759 --> 00:13:59.200 you need this book. And I remember Tatum reading the book, 310 00:13:59.200 --> 00:14:02.000 so I was like, wow, that's interesting. So then I 311 00:14:02.159 --> 00:14:03.720 go to go to bed, and you know, I do 312 00:14:03.840 --> 00:14:07.919 yoga nidras pretty much every night, and the yoga nidra 313 00:14:08.080 --> 00:14:11.759 lady at the beginning says an excerpt from When Things 314 00:14:11.799 --> 00:14:13.919 Fall Apart, like she reads part of it, and I'm like, 315 00:14:14.000 --> 00:14:16.919 this is now weird, Like now three people at this 316 00:14:17.039 --> 00:14:19.720 stage have told me I need to read it. So anyway, 317 00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:23.639 I started it and I'm already like halfway done because 318 00:14:23.639 --> 00:14:26.919 I'm listening to it. But there was so much in 319 00:14:26.960 --> 00:14:29.720 this life stage that I'm in, and some pieces of 320 00:14:29.720 --> 00:14:32.440 what you're going through. And another one of our friends 321 00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:35.279 is kind of in a battle right now that I 322 00:14:35.440 --> 00:14:40.279 feel like so much resonated with me. And I'm only 323 00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:42.879 halfway through, so I've got a long way to go. 324 00:14:42.919 --> 00:14:44.639 But what I would love to do is just bring 325 00:14:44.720 --> 00:14:49.039 up some of the larger topics and then have you, 326 00:14:49.279 --> 00:14:52.679 kind of, as someone who hasn't read this book, talk 327 00:14:52.679 --> 00:14:55.320 about it a little bit, just from like your perspective 328 00:14:56.200 --> 00:14:58.799 in your own life. Yeah, some of it's going to 329 00:14:58.840 --> 00:15:01.639 be relatable. Some of it is. And I just took 330 00:15:01.679 --> 00:15:04.679 some like very general notes and other people I'm sure 331 00:15:04.799 --> 00:15:06.720 have read it because it's I think it's a pretty 332 00:15:06.720 --> 00:15:10.039 popular book, and some of the stuff we've talked. 333 00:15:09.759 --> 00:15:13.799 About but just not really delved in on. 334 00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:16.159 And I think a lot of the teachings in this 335 00:15:16.200 --> 00:15:19.159 book are based on Buddhism, which I don't know anything about. 336 00:15:19.279 --> 00:15:21.399 Do you. I know a little bit about it. 337 00:15:21.440 --> 00:15:24.639 But it's interesting to me that like these things are 338 00:15:24.679 --> 00:15:28.600 kind of presenting themselves to you because I feel like 339 00:15:28.639 --> 00:15:31.279 this happens when you really need something, when like the 340 00:15:31.360 --> 00:15:36.159 universe is saying, like stop what you're doing, and like 341 00:15:36.480 --> 00:15:39.559 think about these things, Like this is going to show 342 00:15:39.559 --> 00:15:41.720 you the way that you need to move forward. And 343 00:15:41.799 --> 00:15:46.799 I felt that so tremendously with coming out, Like Brene 344 00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:50.960 Brown was such a huge catalyst for me in that situation. 345 00:15:51.320 --> 00:15:53.879 I kept she kept popping up in my world, and 346 00:15:53.919 --> 00:15:55.600 it was just like it was that push that I 347 00:15:55.679 --> 00:15:58.840 needed to like move forward. So I think the fact 348 00:15:58.879 --> 00:16:00.879 that this has like shown up for you so many times, 349 00:16:00.919 --> 00:16:04.559 it's like you need, you need this right now. 350 00:16:04.879 --> 00:16:07.080 Yeah, And they're even like parts of it, Like I 351 00:16:07.200 --> 00:16:09.799 was starting to listen to one chapter and it was 352 00:16:09.840 --> 00:16:13.519 like too hard to hear, so I stopped it until 353 00:16:13.559 --> 00:16:15.200 my run this morning, and then I put it back 354 00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:17.399 on and I was more able to deal with it. 355 00:16:18.200 --> 00:16:21.600 But where it really got interesting for. 356 00:16:21.679 --> 00:16:26.720 Me is this topic of like do no harm and 357 00:16:26.759 --> 00:16:30.840 whether that's to yourself for other people, but essentially, like 358 00:16:31.080 --> 00:16:35.200 when you're in a state of unrest and you're feeling 359 00:16:35.320 --> 00:16:37.200 like I have to go left or I have to 360 00:16:37.200 --> 00:16:41.039 go right, you can't just like sit in that discomfort 361 00:16:41.120 --> 00:16:45.039 because you're panicked of like those feelings, and so you're 362 00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:48.399 like trying to pick one thing or the other or 363 00:16:48.440 --> 00:16:51.559 trying to make a decision. She compared it to like 364 00:16:51.639 --> 00:16:54.639 if you're meditating and you're sitting in a position for 365 00:16:54.720 --> 00:16:57.600 a long time, you know, your leg might start to 366 00:16:57.679 --> 00:17:00.080 hurt and it gets really uncomfortable. 367 00:16:59.519 --> 00:17:02.679 And you have to move. But you move and then 368 00:17:02.720 --> 00:17:03.840 what happens. 369 00:17:03.639 --> 00:17:07.400 You're uncomfortable again in twenty minutes or whatever it is. 370 00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:11.559 So she was talking about how a lot of times 371 00:17:11.640 --> 00:17:15.359 people in these situations where they can't just sit in 372 00:17:15.599 --> 00:17:17.759 what she also called like the path of the warrior, 373 00:17:17.880 --> 00:17:21.880 which is like sitting in that space and just not 374 00:17:22.440 --> 00:17:24.680 going left or right. Like for me, it was like 375 00:17:24.720 --> 00:17:28.319 a panic of like I have to like get locked 376 00:17:28.319 --> 00:17:31.480 down this thing because I'm panicked about this other thing. 377 00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:34.759 It's like, instead just like being there, because when you 378 00:17:34.839 --> 00:17:38.039 do the reach and you're grasping, which I've been doing, 379 00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:41.160 it's you're doing harm not just to me, but I'm 380 00:17:41.160 --> 00:17:44.640 doing harm to other people at this point. And so 381 00:17:44.759 --> 00:17:47.920 that kind of spoke to me that like kind of 382 00:17:47.920 --> 00:17:50.039 a softer approach is just to sit in it. 383 00:17:50.799 --> 00:17:54.559 Yeah, well, and that's the hard part because like what 384 00:17:54.599 --> 00:17:57.599 it reminds me of is like in a pool, if 385 00:17:57.599 --> 00:18:01.319 you're swimming, you're goal is to get to the edge. 386 00:18:01.400 --> 00:18:03.279 Right here in the middle of the pool. It's a 387 00:18:03.279 --> 00:18:06.079 lot more difficult to tread water in the middle of 388 00:18:06.119 --> 00:18:10.400 the pool. You want to reach for the solid edge. Yeah, 389 00:18:10.440 --> 00:18:11.920 but you've got to sit in the middle of the 390 00:18:11.920 --> 00:18:14.480 fucking pool and tread water for a little bit because 391 00:18:14.519 --> 00:18:17.799 you can't continue to reach for that ledge because it 392 00:18:17.839 --> 00:18:21.319 is impacting other people you know or you. You also 393 00:18:21.400 --> 00:18:22.960 need to learn how to like just do it on 394 00:18:23.039 --> 00:18:25.319 your own sometimes totally. 395 00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:28.920 And I think like her biggest takeaway for that treading 396 00:18:28.920 --> 00:18:32.680 in the middle is you can have short term gain 397 00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:37.200 by grabbing the ledge, but if you always get short 398 00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:40.759 term gain, you will have long term misery, like because 399 00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:44.319 you can't. You've got to learn to do the thing, 400 00:18:44.440 --> 00:18:47.400 to just sit there and be lonely or be mad 401 00:18:47.640 --> 00:18:51.440