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Speaker 1: This week on a very special episode of Wickedly Weird

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with Jerry and Amanda, Jerry and Amanda talk about depression

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and overall mental anxiety. How was that was that? Was

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that like a special?

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Speaker 2: That was good? That was good? I like it.

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Speaker 1: So, Amanda, we talked you and I last week off

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air about that. It might be nice because you were

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talking about some struggles we talked about in private that

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you've encountered, and of course I've had my struggles in

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the past, and we thought, you know what, we get

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a lot of listeners and maybe it would be cool

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just to not do a regular episode and just be

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us talking about some things that we deal with on

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a daily basis, just to let everybody else know that

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they're not alone in their struggles.

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Speaker 2: That's right, That's what we're here to do today, folks.

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Speaker 1: So it's going to be obviously a different kind of

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podcast as far as episode wise. We're not going to

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have a story worked up. We'll be back to the

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regular stuff on our next episode, but we're just here to,

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I don't know, let people see that maybe we're more

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in common, We have more in common with them than

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they even realize.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's true. It's true because everybody struggles.

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Speaker 1: So let's let's start Amanda. We're gonna start with you

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on this one. You've had, You've it's something depression and

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anxiety is something that you've dealt with for forever, Yeah, forever.

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So talk a little bit about some of the stuff

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you've dealt with in your past.

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Speaker 2: Oh, just like I don't know, Like I mean, there's

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lots of things anxiety. For instance, Like when I started

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a new chapter in my career book, it was very

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it was challenging at first. I didn't have a great manager.

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I didn't have the support system that I have now.

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So like I remember two or three summers ago, it

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was horrible. And like you know, when you think that

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you have found like a really good friend to kimfiden

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and then it turns out like they're not really good

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to kinfide in because what they end up doing is

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already taking your anxiety and making it worse. So like

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I have been with a certain company for X amount

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of years, I think for like almost ten years, and

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like you know, you sometimes I think people get bored, right,

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and like you know, I definitely was getting bored, and

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so I made a tdious and into like a different

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kind of career path, and I didn't realize what that

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career path was going to entail. Now, I am not

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a people person and this job is one hundred percent

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a people person job. I've learned that, but it took

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me forever to get where I am now.

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Speaker 1: Because can I intervene for a second.

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Speaker 2: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I always think it's funny when you say you're not

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a people person, because I would be willing to bet

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that most of the people listening would assume you're the

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life of a person or the life of a party

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and definitely a people person. So when you say you're

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not a people person, oh, treak that down.

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Speaker 2: Not a people person in terms of like I so

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you're right, like I love to have fun. People around

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you will tell you that I like to have fun.

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I love to party like there is no limit on

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my Like, well there is now because I'm a thirty

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something year old person and I can't be party animal anymore.

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But yes, like I definitely was. But I think maybe

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in in terms of like, I'm not a people pleaser

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and I'm not like I'm gonna march the beat of

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my own drum regardless, and that does not work in

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a professional environment, like you have to be able to

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move and groove to what someone may need versus what

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I want. So like, yeah, if I know you, I'm

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a people person, but it takes me a little bit

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to warm up to you. I'm not just gonna be like,

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oh hey, blah blah blah, let's party and hang out

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like I'm not gonna I won't do that because I

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need to know you first, to get to know you

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before I become that people person that you end up

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getting to know and whatever.

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Speaker 1: Are you a type of person? Like if you're in

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line at the grocery store, do you just start talking

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to the person in front of you?

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Speaker 2: Always? No, no, but not always. And you know what

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happens to me is I'll make eye contact with someone

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and then it's it's over, Like it happened to me.

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Actually the other day, I'm standing in line and this

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line was so bad, but I really needed to get

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some essentials. So I stood in line and I may

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contact the elderly gentleman in front of me, and I

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learned about everything that I didn't want to learn about.

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And I'm not gonna tell this poor gentleman like I've

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had a long day, my social battery is done and

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it's strained, and I don't I don't want, I don't care,

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Like I'm not gonna say that, And so I guess

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I guess that's where you can kind of be like, well,

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you are a people person because you're not telling him

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to fuck off. And it's like, I don't know, I

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don't know, Like I think I try not to be

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maybe I try not to be a people person, but

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people just people with me. That makes any sense, it does, Yeah,

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Like I'll just be trying to you know, like for instance,

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if I get a call and someone's trying to maybe

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I don't they need help with something, and I'm trying

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to help them with their situation, like and I call

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it like friendly mouth syndrome, where like someone will start

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talking to me, but they're trying to figure out what

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they need, so to make up dead air, they'll start

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talking to me about their day or you know, about

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something that maybe a family member did, or they'll talk

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about their dog who passed away, and like that actually

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happened to me like three weeks ago. And this is

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the stuff that gets me because this is where like

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the whole people person thing, you're like oh, you would

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just be like okay and hoh, what do you need?

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But like I couldn't help it. And I was so

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like into what this person was talking about about their dog, because,

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as you know, my dog just passed away and that

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was hard. That was so hard because that dog had

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done with me since I was twenty five maybe, so

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to have that comfort gone was a big thing. And

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I actually was on the phone a little extra with

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this person just to hear their story about their animal,

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and it was it was weird, like it was nice.

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And that's I'm not even like a like a self

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help person. I'm just a I'm just a I'm just

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a person.

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Speaker 1: Well, so you need to give yourself more credit than that,

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because I know, just from my past experiences with you,

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whenever I've ever had anything going on or something like that,

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you're always one of the first person people I talk

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to that are asking how I'm doing and expressing concerns.

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So you're probably a little more like that than you

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want to give yourself credit for.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I just I also think, like, yeah, I'm not

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as hard hardened as I think I come off, and

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I try not to be just sometimes like throw balls, whitch,

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like me. So for instance, as you know, like you

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know I have ADHD, I'm unneedicated so that some days

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are a lot harder for others because what is associated

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with ADHD is like anxiety and depression, and maybe you

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might have like like texture issues and noise issues. So

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like for me, I need to be in a quiet

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space when I'm working. And that's that's including the things

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I write about. That includes even playing a game or

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even working, because if you sat next to me, I

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can guarantee you I would get one hour of work

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done because I am so interested in your life and

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what you're about. Who cares at work when I have

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a buddy. And so that's the other thing. I'm impulsive too,

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which really really fucking suck. And you're always like next

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quick fix of being like, oh my god, like look

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at I got these stickers. Today's in the straight and

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then tomorrow I'm over it and I need to find

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the next thing to keep me going. It's really it's

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as I get older, I notice these things and I

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hate them about myself. So I try and like twist

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it and make it like, oh hey, let's try and

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celebrate the thing that you just accomplished instead of looking

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and searching for better. That's not gonna happen, right, that's

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not real. So that's I think some of my downfalls

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that I definitely too have body dysmorphia. So like I

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think I'm bigger than I am. I always wear really big,

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baggy clothes. You'll never catch me in something that fits

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my body. Ever. I always wear sizes that are like

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three sizes too big, and I'm always in a hoodie

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sweatshirts say I'm actually kind of sweating to death. So

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this is rare. But like normally I will not like

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I am in mat clothes. I'll wear Matt's clothes all

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the time. I out in public, it's a little different.

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But if I'm home, I'm in his clothes. If I'm

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going to the beach, I'm in and it's weird because

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it's like, what are you doing? So that's me. I

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mean growing up, I wasn't really told I was like

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pretty or whatever. It was always they didn't like. It

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was always like oh you're chubby, or oh you'd look

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better as a blonde, or oh you you know what

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I mean, or I wish you had blue eyes, like

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it'd be weird. Shit like that, and you. I guess

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as a kid, you internalize that that stuff, and that's

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horrible to do to someone. So I always tell my

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kids they're awesome, they're loved, they're beautiful, so they hear that,

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because as a kid, I didn't hear that. So that's

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why I'm like, oh my god, that's so important, so important.

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And my son deals with ADHD, so I'm always making sure, hey,

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you're smart. I mean he went from like like really

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low c's, two d's to a's and b's, and like

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he got two c's, so like, I think it's his

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medication helps him and having that positive reinforcement is huge.

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And I think growing up in the nineties it was

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such a weird generation where like my mom smoked a

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packa day, always had a pepsi in her hand, never

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a beer in like a perm and like she was

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just very much go outside and play, go outside and play.

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My brother had cerebral palsy, so that's a whole nother

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like situation. You know that gets pulled into everything. As

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a kid, you're the backburner kid, which is fine. I

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didn't know any different, but now that I'm older, I'm like,

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oh my god, like holy shit, like I have two

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children that are very able, but like to like be like,

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holy shit, like I missed out on this, this, this,

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and this because I didn't have that luxury. So it's

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things that I try and work in to my children's

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lives versus what I didn't get. Because depression, as you know,

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is horrible, Like you can't get out of bed, you can't,

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you don't want to eat, you don't want to socialize,

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you don't you shut off from the world and nobody does, Like,

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no one should live like that. And that's hard, Like

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it's hard to like deal with those things.

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Speaker 1: That's why I think it's important for people to realize

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that they're struggling with something like that, you really need

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to get as many hobbies and stuff as you can

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because you know, and if I'm going to say this

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and if you'd rather cut it out later, we'll cut

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it out. But I mean, I know, you know, when

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we first started doing Morning you will be offended. Yeah,

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that was going really good. We made a change, we

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had to stop, yep, right and then you know, but

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you were telling me after the fact when we started

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the podcast up again, because it took about a year

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and we restarted right and you were telling me then

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about how much the the podcast meant to you about Yeah,

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it was something that you were doing, something that meant

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something to you. And then when it wasn't there anymore

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that I mean, it had its because I mean, I'm

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not saying that through you into depression. That's not what

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I'm saying at all. Oh no, but but that was something.

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After that time, you did have some months to where

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you were a little a little worse off, and I'm

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sure that contributed to it.

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Speaker 2: Well, right, because like I find, especially someone that lives

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with the anxiety depression ADHD, sensory the whole nine, like

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I need something to look forward to. So, like I know,

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on Monday night, I'm going to do a podcast with

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you at seven. I am on the dot seven o'clock. Now.

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The only times I've missed it is when I had

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sun poisoning last what on Monday I had been Yeah,

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I was so burnt, like and I was covered in

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mosquito bites on my toes and like on my actual

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toes my ankles, Like I was so like gross and

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actually I have to get this look to Acai. I'm

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like getting vertigo a little bit. So like I definitely

241
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have an inner air thing going on.

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Speaker 1: Butted too.

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Speaker 2: Well, yeah, so I've been drinking tons of water just

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but I was so ill on Monday, Like I was exhausted.

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I couldn't stay awake. I just was like this is

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not for me, so that in itself, like it gives

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me a reason to do something versus sitting at home

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and doing whatever. I mean, you know, and I've got

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my kids obviously, and we hang out and we do

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things and that's all well and good. But like as

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a mother, I'm sure other mothers can, like even as

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a dad too, Like you know what I mean, you

253
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need you time, you need to decompress. And I'm sorry,

254
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but like I don't think showers are a fucking luxury.

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They like.

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Speaker 1: You need to go to somebody's star world countries.

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Speaker 2: Well that's true, that's true. But like I mean, I

258
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don't know, like like basic needs that you do your

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daily ADLs, whatever you want to call it, like that

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should not be considered a person like a self care thing. Agree, Yeah,

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self care is like getting out on your own, going

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for that coffee by yourself, listening to music in the

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car for a drive, maybe calling that friend you haven't

264
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spoken to in a while. I think that women in

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particular like not to be like, oh, women are worse men,

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Like no, but you know, you get that post some

267
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people get really bad postpartum depression, some people suffer from

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other mental ailments or whatever. And I think self care

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is super important. And you know from experience, my mom

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did not get a lot of self care when I

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was growing up because she couldn't. And now that she's older,

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I'm almost glad, you know what I mean that she's

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doing her own thing because she didn't see that, and

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I saw a toll that it took on her mental health.

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So these are things that like I catalogue in my

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brain and I'm like, okay, Amanda, Like if you're feeling

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a type of way and your kids are really bothering you,

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and this has taken me and I'm still learning, I

279
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need to walk away because I am just going to

280
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be a straight up asshole. I'm going to be mean

281
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to every buddy. I am going to be sure, and

282
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it's hard to picture me probably being really mean, but

283
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I'm an asshole. Like I'll I just like snap and

284
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like I'm shitty and I am like stand offish and

285
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like you can't even approach me and like I can.

286
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When I feel myself getting like that, I know that

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I need to take I need to go away because

288
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I am being I mean being a real bitch, Like

289
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I just need to take time. And you know it's

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taken my husband a lot too, is he'll be like,

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you need to either eat or you need to go

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fuck right off because you are in a way and

293
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you're making everyone nuts, and uh, you need to you

294
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need to go do you and like maybe and like

295
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he'll send me to do things too, which is nice.

296
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We'll be like, oh, why don't you go see a

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movie with your friend? Or why don't you get your

298
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nails done? Or you know here, why don't you do

299
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this or that? Because I do write, but sometimes I

300
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find it very hard when my brain is so busy,

301
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like I don't know how to describe this without like

302
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I don't. It's weird, you know, like when you have

303
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TV in the background and you can hear it. That's

304
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:01,799
my it's rain twenty four hours a day. There is

305
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,440
always some static in there. I don't just fall asleep

306
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like I have insomnia, so like there are some nights

307
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like I haven't gone to bed till four o'clock in

308
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the morning and I have to be up at six,

309
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Like that's fucking horrible. That's gotten worse as I've gotten older.

310
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And it doesn't even matter. I mean, like, yes, I'm

311
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a heavy marijuana smoker, like you would think that would

312
00:16:23,399 --> 00:16:25,840
make me tired. Nine times out of ten, I am

313
00:16:26,039 --> 00:16:28,720
bouncing off the walls. I am cleaning the walls, I

314
00:16:28,759 --> 00:16:32,879
am tearing apart my kitchen, I am moving around my bedroom.

315
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I am singing and dancing. I am having the time

316
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of my life. That's why I joke around with my

317
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,120
husband and say I'm a vampire because I am more

318
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active at night than I am during the day. I

319
00:16:43,679 --> 00:16:45,559
hate being awake during the day, believe it or not.

320
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I'd much rather be asleep during the day and up

321
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all night.

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Speaker 1: It's funny when you talk about your brain going at

323
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,000
that level, because mine's the same way. And I can't

324
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tell you how many times I've made a comment and

325
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,759
Tracey'd be like, where did that come from? And I'll

326
00:17:00,799 --> 00:17:04,400
explain the process in which to where that comment came from,

327
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and it'd be like five things all strung together that

328
00:17:07,839 --> 00:17:12,599
happened over to crist two seconds, you know, and like

329
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:14,960
we were talking today. We were riding down the road

330
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and I said, out of nowhere and we're down a

331
00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,599
busy road, we're not by the beach, and I say,

332
00:17:22,319 --> 00:17:26,000
you know, you know, nobody ever hunts pelicans, and she

333
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:29,200
was like, where the hell did that come from?

334
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Speaker 2: That I would say, yeah, and I'm like, well, I.

335
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Speaker 1: Saw I saw that bird over there, and then that

336
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made me think about the other day when we were

337
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at the beach and we saw the pelican dive in

338
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the water, and then all of a sudden, that made

339
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me think about, well, they must have a pretty good

340
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life because nobody ever hunts them, and that's what came

341
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out of my mouth. And that was like literally two

342
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,000
seconds that I went from A to B to C

343
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and it was just because of something.

344
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Speaker 2: Random that I right, like, yeah, all right, So I

345
00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:56,599
saw that crane on the beach and I was talking

346
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to Matt and I was like, you think like they

347
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were just dyings that didn't die off, and he was like, no,

348
00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:07,279
I think that's not a thing. They're not terodactyls in

349
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real life. They are birds. Stop it.

350
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Speaker 1: I just have people tell me, well, what you said

351
00:18:13,599 --> 00:18:16,519
didn't make any sense, and it doesn't because they only

352
00:18:16,559 --> 00:18:19,759
hurt the end. Uh, there was a whole bunch of

353
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steps leading up to them that that would have made

354
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it make sense. But they didn't get. They weren't privy

355
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to any of that.

356
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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, like I'll talk about pelicans not pelicans like

357
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:34,400
all that shit. It's just like, I don't know. I think,

358
00:18:35,039 --> 00:18:36,440
I don't know. Yeah, I get what you're saying, though

359
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,200
I do it all the time. I do, like the

360
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:41,079
whole like, oh, well, could you imagine if did you

361
00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:43,960
imagine if t rexes were two feet tall? And that's

362
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,079
because I saw our chicken. Like it's shit like that.

363
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:49,640
It's very much all over the place. It's fun.

364
00:18:50,559 --> 00:18:56,359
Speaker 1: Let's talk about when you've really had your struggles with depression,

365
00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,680
like you said, where you go maybe weeks at a

366
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time where it's hard to get out of and all that.

367
00:19:01,279 --> 00:19:04,160
What do you find helps pull you out of it?

368
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:07,839
Speaker 2: Nothing me. I have to do it. You can tell

369
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,960
me a million times that you love me, or that

370
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:14,000
you're you're good, you're fine, things will get better. Well

371
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,440
in my world that doesn't know, it's the end of

372
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,759
the world and that's happening right now, and that's what

373
00:19:18,799 --> 00:19:22,000
it is. And it's like I have to want to

374
00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:25,799
feel better. And I know, like, if I didn't have

375
00:19:25,839 --> 00:19:29,119
my kids, I probably I don't know, Like I'm not

376
00:19:29,119 --> 00:19:31,680
not sure if I would still be in that rut.

377
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:35,079
But kids change you. They change your outlook on what

378
00:19:35,119 --> 00:19:37,079
you need to do. Like, yes, I have a husband,

379
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:40,519
Yes he could take care of them, but that's not

380
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:42,920
the point. Like I need to stand up and be like, hey, yeah,

381
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,440
you can have a tough time, but yet you can

382
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:47,880
still go out and you can still do things. You're fine,

383
00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:49,359
you know what I mean. You will be fine. Things

384
00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:51,160
will be fine. But like when I was younger, I

385
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,720
wouldn't shower for days. It was discussed. I was horrible.

386
00:19:54,559 --> 00:19:57,559
I've gotten better now, definitely. I get up, I do

387
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,319
my thing. But here's the thing. I'm I am on

388
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,680
a schedule, and I need to stick to that schedule

389
00:20:02,880 --> 00:20:08,240
because if I don't, then I become so like, I

390
00:20:08,319 --> 00:20:12,480
become a blob of just I am like sadness from

391
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,960
inside out. That is the best way to describe me.

392
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:18,559
When Joy's dragging her on the floor, that is me.

393
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,359
If I can't if I don't have a routine, if

394
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,400
I don't have something to look forward to, if I

395
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,759
don't have the things that I need. And that's that's

396
00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,559
just like that has taken a lot to get from

397
00:20:28,559 --> 00:20:30,880
like joy to now anxiety. But like I mean from

398
00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:34,319
a depression to anxiety. But like, yeah, I just I

399
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,680
think it's a lot of work.

400
00:20:36,119 --> 00:20:38,440
Speaker 1: I agree one hundred percent. You know, I tell Tracy

401
00:20:38,440 --> 00:20:41,799
because Tracy suffers from the depression and she doesn't deal

402
00:20:41,839 --> 00:20:44,799
with it. I think as well as what I do.

403
00:20:46,039 --> 00:20:51,039
But I get up every morning and even if I

404
00:20:51,079 --> 00:20:54,279
have nothing to do. That's not saying I don't sleep

405
00:20:54,279 --> 00:20:56,960
in an hour extra or something on days, but even

406
00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,000
if I have nothing going on, I have a routine.

407
00:21:00,079 --> 00:21:04,279
I get up, I shave, I put on my deodorant,

408
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:08,119
I brush my teeth in that order, I get completely

409
00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,200
dressed before I walk out of my bedroom. And then

410
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,480
if I'm just watching TV all day, doesn't matter, it

411
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,160
doesn't matter.

412
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,519
Speaker 2: That's my And so that's what I need to learn

413
00:21:18,559 --> 00:21:21,440
to do because I will rotten pajamas for like three

414
00:21:21,519 --> 00:21:23,680
or four days. I don't give a fuck, Like and

415
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,960
that's the problem. And I don't know if you deal

416
00:21:26,000 --> 00:21:28,480
with this, but I don't give a fuck. It like

417
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:32,160
it is strong with this one, Like I'm like, uh,

418
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,079
I don't care you don't talk to me ever again,

419
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:38,160
that's fine, Like God, I'm gonna and that's just weird,

420
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,160
and that it's it's weird because like I do care, right,

421
00:21:41,240 --> 00:21:43,039
like I really do care if someone stop talking to me.

422
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,920
But all I so like this is really weird. So

423
00:21:46,039 --> 00:21:48,680
someone said it to me. Great, she said, your whole

424
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,400
life you have been in survival mode, so you don't

425
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:55,680
know how to relax. She's like, you are waiting for

426
00:21:55,799 --> 00:21:59,160
the next thing to happen, and that is why you

427
00:21:59,200 --> 00:22:01,359
can't sit still in watch TV. That is why you

428
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:03,559
have to constantly be moving and grooving. I'll clean my

429
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:07,200
house three times in a RUW doesn't matter. I'll wash

430
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:10,839
the floors Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Like then it gets to

431
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,799
a point where my husband has to be like, you

432
00:22:13,839 --> 00:22:16,559
are fine, this house is fine. You need to figure

433
00:22:16,559 --> 00:22:18,640
it out because this isn't gonna work. Like you are

434
00:22:18,680 --> 00:22:21,480
freaking out about socks on the floor and that you know,

435
00:22:21,799 --> 00:22:23,440
I don't know if you have OCD, but I do,

436
00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:25,119
and so stuff like that will get me.

437
00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:29,240
Speaker 1: I don't have OCD, but at the same time, I

438
00:22:29,279 --> 00:22:31,240
do feel like like I always need to be doing

439
00:22:31,279 --> 00:22:36,599
something and it's like I've told this story before. I

440
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:40,400
had one time whereb had some I had. I did

441
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:43,599
some yard work and I had put out mulch that

442
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:47,000
was like a bag short and at work, I was

443
00:22:47,039 --> 00:22:50,839
in a shirt, tie, dress, pants, stresses.

444
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:51,039
Speaker 2: Yep.

445
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:54,799
Speaker 1: I went out and bought that mulch. I came home

446
00:22:55,519 --> 00:22:57,640
right after work, and instead of going in and changing

447
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,440
like most people, I went out there and spread that

448
00:22:59,519 --> 00:23:02,599
mulch in my good clothes because I couldn't stand the thought.

449
00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:06,319
I can't I can't come in and rest if I

450
00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,160
know there's something that still needs to be done.

451
00:23:08,559 --> 00:23:09,279
Speaker 2: The same way yep.

452
00:23:09,559 --> 00:23:11,400
Speaker 1: And that's where I run into the You know, like

453
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,119
I said, I'll get up in the morning and I'll

454
00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:17,039
have a thousand things done around the house before Tracey

455
00:23:17,039 --> 00:23:19,079
even gets out of bed. And that's not saying she's

456
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:21,480
slaying lighting in the bed all day. It's just the

457
00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:23,400
way I am. But after I get dressed, I'll come in,

458
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:27,200
I'll start cleaning up the kitchen, I'll make brains. That's

459
00:23:27,279 --> 00:23:28,039
just what I do.

460
00:23:28,160 --> 00:23:29,559
Speaker 2: And I'm the same way.

461
00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,039
Speaker 1: I have a hard time just sitting down And yeah.

462
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:35,319
Speaker 2: That my mother would be like Sundays is the day

463
00:23:35,359 --> 00:23:37,599
that you clean, you do, not lay in bed you

464
00:23:37,640 --> 00:23:40,759
are up by eight. Hare is a mop, Hare is

465
00:23:40,799 --> 00:23:43,720
a fucking pail, have a good time, clean your room,

466
00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:47,640
go through your clothes, like there what. Because we had

467
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,680
nurses in and out of my house all the time

468
00:23:50,039 --> 00:23:53,400
and my brother was very ill, my house needed to

469
00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:56,799
be spotless and clean, so that is one of the

470
00:23:56,799 --> 00:23:58,640
things that I do try and work. I'm like, I'll

471
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:02,720
purposely leave dishes in this sink on purpose, just because

472
00:24:02,759 --> 00:24:05,039
I've done them all day long, and I need to

473
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:08,480
just take a minute, like enough is enough. It's time

474
00:24:08,599 --> 00:24:12,640
to reevaluate yourself and go do something else, because obsessing

475
00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:14,960
over the three dishes in the sink is getting you

476
00:24:15,079 --> 00:24:19,079
fucking no place. It is chaos constantly. And I freak

477
00:24:19,119 --> 00:24:21,759
out about laundry too. I love to put it away,

478
00:24:21,799 --> 00:24:23,039
like I know, I love to do it. I hate

479
00:24:23,039 --> 00:24:26,480
to put it away like it's just one of those things.

480
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:28,319
I have doom piles all around my house, and not

481
00:24:28,319 --> 00:24:30,240
that my house's already, but I do have doom piles

482
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,400
that you can't see, like in my bedroom and like

483
00:24:32,519 --> 00:24:36,559
behind thing. It's really bad. And I haveroom doom drawers

484
00:24:36,599 --> 00:24:40,839
as well. And sometimes I say fuck it, grab a

485
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,920
black trash bag and throw everything in that doom box

486
00:24:44,039 --> 00:24:46,799
or that doom closet or that doom pile away. I

487
00:24:46,799 --> 00:24:49,480
don't even give you shits because it'll stay like that

488
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:52,720
for the rest of my life if I don't well on.

489
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:56,119
Speaker 1: My side of things, like you said. And I wrote

490
00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:58,160
a lot about this in my book, but not everybody

491
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:00,319
has read the book, but I've talked about it in

492
00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:03,559
depth a lot of times on hibally horror Stories. But

493
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:11,160
you know, I went through my first probably thirty years

494
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:14,000
on this earth. I couldn't have told you anything about depression.

495
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:16,359
I saw my mom go through, but I didn't know

496
00:25:16,400 --> 00:25:18,960
that's what it was. But as far as me, you know,

497
00:25:19,079 --> 00:25:23,720
I couldn't have been happier. And I had a hard

498
00:25:23,799 --> 00:25:30,119
time dealing with stress, and that would come out as

499
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,839
much like you said, well ago with just being an

500
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:37,680
addict to everybody, Yeah, and anger issues, and that was

501
00:25:37,759 --> 00:25:42,799
my way of, you know, with the stress. And it

502
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:46,359
took a toll. Obviously. I lost my you know, wife

503
00:25:47,000 --> 00:25:49,559
as she got a divorced a, lost my kids and

504
00:25:49,599 --> 00:25:51,359
everything in that to wroad instead of seeing them all

505
00:25:51,359 --> 00:25:53,279
the time I'm seeing them on a regular basis, lost

506
00:25:53,279 --> 00:25:57,200
the house, and that's when I started going through depression,

507
00:25:57,240 --> 00:25:59,000
and of course I ended up leading to a felt

508
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:04,480
suicide attempt, right, And you know, but then I just

509
00:26:04,559 --> 00:26:08,240
told myself, you know what, I can wallow and self

510
00:26:08,240 --> 00:26:11,319
pity the rest of my life, or I can say,

511
00:26:11,359 --> 00:26:13,680
you know what, a new day starts right now.

512
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is the rest to you. Yeah, it's all

513
00:26:17,039 --> 00:26:18,720
up to you and what you want to do.

514
00:26:19,039 --> 00:26:22,119
Speaker 1: And that's what I did. And I went to counseling,

515
00:26:22,160 --> 00:26:23,920
which I swore I would never do because I thought

516
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:27,079
it was bullshit, right, And then I've since realized counseling

517
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:31,000
is ten times one hundred times better than I ever

518
00:26:31,079 --> 00:26:35,519
thought it could be, so much that I still use today. Right.

519
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:38,599
Speaker 2: Like it's weird too, because from someone who doesn't know you,

520
00:26:38,640 --> 00:26:40,640
a stranger and they look in on you and they're like,

521
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:42,839
what the fuck are you doing? Like they don't say

522
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,519
it like that, but you know that's what they mean,

523
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,880
like when are you? Like, you know, and I think

524
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:49,359
mental health back when you were growing up, even when

525
00:26:49,400 --> 00:26:51,480
I was growing up, like it was not really a thing,

526
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:53,839
like if you had ADHD, you were a fucking leper.

527
00:26:54,279 --> 00:26:56,359
And I know because my mom wouldn't put me on

528
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,440
medication because she already had one one sick kid. She

529
00:26:59,480 --> 00:27:01,960
didn't even other one and not just not to put

530
00:27:02,559 --> 00:27:05,880
shit on her like that is how that generation was raised,

531
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,039
right because like think about it, like her parents' parents,

532
00:27:08,079 --> 00:27:09,880
if you were crazy, they stuck you in a looney bin.

533
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:12,319
That was it. Away you went and you were never

534
00:27:12,359 --> 00:27:14,000
seen or heard from again, and you died there.

535
00:27:14,079 --> 00:27:15,759
Speaker 1: And that weren't getting any help in there.

536
00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:18,599
Speaker 2: No, they were abusing you, chaining you to walls, and

537
00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,240
that's what they were doing. And there was I mean,

538
00:27:20,319 --> 00:27:23,480
I remember when I was working in the special needs community,

539
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:28,720
I would have patience that were in their seventies, eighties

540
00:27:28,759 --> 00:27:32,279
and nineties who would tell me about the homes they

541
00:27:32,319 --> 00:27:35,920
were in, and they would show me their teeth and

542
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,200
how they were ripped out, or they would show me

543
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,160
like their fingernails and how they didn't have any cause

544
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:46,440
they and like it is such an awakening to be like,

545
00:27:46,519 --> 00:27:50,079
holy shit, these people saw some shit and they went

546
00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:52,359
through some things, and you read about it and you

547
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:55,279
hear about it, and you're just like, like, people are

548
00:27:55,359 --> 00:27:57,880
lucky for what they have now, even if it isn't great,

549
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,480
it's still something. And you're not being shoved in a home.

550
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:03,400
And this is the things that like I think about

551
00:28:03,519 --> 00:28:06,759
and it was such a like humbling, like awakening experience.

552
00:28:06,799 --> 00:28:08,359
I'll never forget. It was like nineteen or twenty and

553
00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:10,319
I'm helping this poor gentleman. He's going in the bathroom.

554
00:28:10,319 --> 00:28:12,599
I'm helping him getting him cleaned up, and he looked

555
00:28:12,599 --> 00:28:14,400
at me and he thanked me, and I was like, oh,

556
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:16,359
this is like my job, right, I'm like, oh, no problem.

557
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:18,480
He goes Oh, He's like this is amazing. He's like,

558
00:28:18,519 --> 00:28:20,559
no one is yelling at me and screaming at me,

559
00:28:20,599 --> 00:28:21,960
And I'm like, well, the fuck what you work? And

560
00:28:22,000 --> 00:28:22,720
what that was doing? That?

561
00:28:22,880 --> 00:28:23,000
Speaker 1: Right?

562
00:28:23,119 --> 00:28:25,680
Speaker 2: Names numbers like who was this? You know? And it's

563
00:28:25,759 --> 00:28:29,440
just like, I think mental health has come a long

564
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,480
way from then when it was. But like even when

565
00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,160
you were growing up, I'm sure people didn't know what

566
00:28:33,279 --> 00:28:34,640
you know, what I mean, no one knew what was happening.

567
00:28:34,920 --> 00:28:38,640
That person's just crazier, that person's a little strange or whatever. Right,

568
00:28:38,680 --> 00:28:41,000
And then yeah, when I was growing up, it was like, oh,

569
00:28:41,039 --> 00:28:43,359
don't don't talk to so and so, or don't do

570
00:28:43,400 --> 00:28:45,599
this with so and so because they're weird. Like it's

571
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:47,400
just so many things that you look back on and

572
00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:50,160
you're like, holy shit, Like I am blessed to have

573
00:28:50,279 --> 00:28:53,240
this therapist and I am blessed to have this avenue

574
00:28:53,599 --> 00:28:55,240
that I can go down if I need help and

575
00:28:55,319 --> 00:28:58,079
all these resources where back then there wasn't that. And

576
00:28:58,119 --> 00:29:01,519
look at those generations and how is it how it's

577
00:29:01,559 --> 00:29:05,759
affected like even my generation. Things like that, though I

578
00:29:05,799 --> 00:29:08,559
don't think we I think we just didn't realize and

579
00:29:08,599 --> 00:29:12,240
it's it's been taken for granted in some circumstances.

580
00:29:12,359 --> 00:29:15,559
Speaker 1: I feel like for myself, I was able to do

581
00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:18,759
what a lot of people can't do, and that's handle

582
00:29:19,519 --> 00:29:24,759
my situation without medication. Yeah, tried medication. It didn't work

583
00:29:24,799 --> 00:29:27,200
for me. Not not that it didn't work. I didn't

584
00:29:27,279 --> 00:29:29,480
like the side effects, that type of thing.

585
00:29:29,599 --> 00:29:30,720
Speaker 2: You'll hear that a lot, yep.

586
00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:35,000
Speaker 1: So instead I just found ways to just control my anger.

587
00:29:35,039 --> 00:29:39,680
And it took years, and I just I learned. I

588
00:29:39,759 --> 00:29:42,720
learned that I've started having a negative thought, whether that

589
00:29:42,799 --> 00:29:47,559
be suicide or whether that be in any kind of

590
00:29:47,599 --> 00:29:50,079
negative thought. I learned that I could turn that off

591
00:29:50,279 --> 00:29:52,559
and just replace it with a positive thought.

592
00:29:52,920 --> 00:29:54,400
Speaker 2: A glimmer yeah, yeah.

593
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:59,599
Speaker 1: So I would always have five or six things memories

594
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:03,519
will say that were like the greatest thing I had,

595
00:30:03,559 --> 00:30:06,599
something to do with my kids or something accomplishment.

596
00:30:06,799 --> 00:30:09,759
Speaker 2: You're looking for a glimmer, right, So anytime.

597
00:30:09,359 --> 00:30:12,279
Speaker 1: I needed something, I just snatched it and replaced it immediately,

598
00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:14,920
because those bad thoughts will come out of nowhere for

599
00:30:15,079 --> 00:30:15,599
no reason.

600
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:19,079
Speaker 2: It's weird. You'll be like minding your business and all

601
00:30:19,119 --> 00:30:20,519
of a sudden it'll be like, oh, I remember that

602
00:30:20,599 --> 00:30:22,480
time that you did X, Y and Z and your

603
00:30:22,519 --> 00:30:24,680
dad was like your gross, Like it's weird stuff like

604
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:28,160
that that you're like shit, like what the or like

605
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:30,880
smells will do it to me. Smells will do it

606
00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:34,759
to me. Smells will trigger thoughts sometimes, which that's great.

607
00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:36,400
I'm like the fuck, like you know what I mean?

608
00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:39,880
And like it'll be like smells or like sometimes like

609
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:41,599
if you're driving, buy something like a memory like go

610
00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:43,480
look at that stores where I used to go with

611
00:30:43,519 --> 00:30:45,119
so and so and now they passed away, and then

612
00:30:45,160 --> 00:30:46,599
like you you know what I mean, it's like weird

613
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:50,119
things like yeah, and you're like no enough, like that

614
00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:53,519
didn't like that memory happened? Yes? Did it suck? Yeah,

615
00:30:53,559 --> 00:30:55,240
but you need to move on from that. You can

616
00:30:56,119 --> 00:30:59,839
have trauma and you can work like you can't live

617
00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:02,680
in those bad days. Sometimes I find that certain people

618
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:04,920
they live in that. And you can't live in wallow

619
00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:06,960
because when you do that, you're not gonna heal.

620
00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:14,200
Speaker 1: I went through most of the last twenty years learning

621
00:31:14,359 --> 00:31:17,440
to adjust. That's say you don't have bad days, because

622
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:20,720
you do. Doesn't matter what you feel like you've you've

623
00:31:20,720 --> 00:31:24,079
been able to overcome. You've never I always say, you

624
00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:31,119
never completely heal from depression. It's that you literally battle

625
00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:33,599
it every single day. You learn to live with it

626
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:34,160
and deal with it.

627
00:31:34,240 --> 00:31:36,799
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's how you choose to deal with it.

628
00:31:37,720 --> 00:31:39,599
And there are some people that you know they need

629
00:31:39,640 --> 00:31:42,119
to be on medication and they need that, and good

630
00:31:42,160 --> 00:31:45,039
thing they have that, And I think it's a very

631
00:31:45,200 --> 00:31:48,000
strong thing to like recognize that, like, hey, like I'm

632
00:31:48,039 --> 00:31:52,279
really struggling. I need help, and what I'm doing is working,

633
00:31:52,519 --> 00:31:55,920
but maybe this particular medicine or this particular thing might

634
00:31:55,960 --> 00:31:58,839
help me. And I think that's really good that we

635
00:31:58,920 --> 00:32:00,160
have those resources. Now.

636
00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:04,680
Speaker 1: I feel like, like I said, I felt like I

637
00:32:04,759 --> 00:32:07,839
done a good job of managing it. I've had very

638
00:32:07,880 --> 00:32:11,759
few instances where I went into a deep depression. It

639
00:32:11,759 --> 00:32:15,519
would last maybe a couple of days at most. Yeah,

640
00:32:15,599 --> 00:32:22,880
but the last year and a half has been a throwback.

641
00:32:23,359 --> 00:32:27,400
It's probably been my biggest struggle since two thousand and

642
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:29,079
one when I had my suicide attempt.

643
00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:30,359
Speaker 2: Right, it's just.

644
00:32:30,359 --> 00:32:35,119
Speaker 1: Like everything and even then, I look at myself and

645
00:32:35,119 --> 00:32:37,720
I'm like, I still don't have it near as bad

646
00:32:37,759 --> 00:32:38,319
as some people.

647
00:32:38,359 --> 00:32:38,599
Speaker 2: I know.

648
00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:42,599
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I know, but everything, like you said earlier,

649
00:32:42,599 --> 00:32:43,079
it's got to.

650
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,480
Speaker 2: Do with your rab value, you know, my you know.

651
00:32:46,319 --> 00:32:49,000
Speaker 1: But you know, in the last year and a half,

652
00:32:50,119 --> 00:32:53,839
I had well, let's just say this. I was able

653
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:57,319
to in twenty and twenty quit working my day job,

654
00:32:57,359 --> 00:33:00,920
which I absolutely hated, seventy hours a week constant press,

655
00:33:01,319 --> 00:33:04,079
putting in another forty hours a week on the podcast

656
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:09,000
Inane and it was just a grind. And the eventually

657
00:33:09,000 --> 00:33:11,839
it just got to the point where I said, you

658
00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:14,599
know what, I think we can do the podcast full time.

659
00:33:15,319 --> 00:33:18,599
We did, It took off and it was great. I mean,

660
00:33:18,599 --> 00:33:21,519
we were making really good money. We were able to

661
00:33:21,559 --> 00:33:26,000
be very fortunate, very fortunate, very fortunately, very lucky, because

662
00:33:26,079 --> 00:33:28,839
not very many people get that opportunity.

663
00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:29,519
Speaker 2: If they don't.

664
00:33:29,799 --> 00:33:33,519
Speaker 1: For four years we were able to just do the podcasts,

665
00:33:34,240 --> 00:33:37,599
travel around a little bit, but you you develop a

666
00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:42,359
false sense of security in that situation. And then the

667
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:45,759
economy started to tank a little bit begin to twenty

668
00:33:45,839 --> 00:33:52,799
twenty three, and advertisers started pulling out a podcasting slowly

669
00:33:52,880 --> 00:33:56,519
but surely, and you end up where all of a

670
00:33:56,519 --> 00:33:59,960
sudden our money was cut in half with that problem

671
00:34:00,079 --> 00:34:02,720
couple of months, luckily we had some money in the bank.

672
00:34:03,359 --> 00:34:07,599
And then but then during that same time, I had

673
00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:12,960
a heart attack. Right, was flat lined on the table

674
00:34:13,119 --> 00:34:18,079
for two minutes. Right, completely changed my outlook on life

675
00:34:18,119 --> 00:34:20,360
because they told me that I had a week heart,

676
00:34:21,119 --> 00:34:22,079
like a very weak heart.

677
00:34:22,639 --> 00:34:22,880
Speaker 2: Yep.

678
00:34:23,880 --> 00:34:27,719
Speaker 1: So I go in four months later and get a

679
00:34:28,639 --> 00:34:32,360
and of course in March Ninja passes away, which is

680
00:34:32,559 --> 00:34:35,920
really devastating to us. I mean, that dog was everything.

681
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:37,480
There's still not a day. I mean we're a year

682
00:34:37,519 --> 00:34:40,880
and a half passed almost and I still you know,

683
00:34:41,159 --> 00:34:43,159
we've got a little shrine set up in our house.

684
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:44,639
Speaker 2: To then Joe, Right, I've got two shrines.

685
00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:47,840
Speaker 1: Ye, not a day that goes by that I don't

686
00:34:47,840 --> 00:34:50,440
think about that dog, And not very many days go

687
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:51,400
by that I don't shed.

688
00:34:51,199 --> 00:34:54,000
Speaker 2: A tear over right, because it's sad. It sucks.

689
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:59,840
Speaker 1: So in three months I had a heart attackst income

690
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:01,639
lost the dog.

691
00:35:02,039 --> 00:35:05,280
Speaker 2: Yep. So that got such a heavy gid. Yeah.

692
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:08,199
Speaker 1: Then we decided in June I had to have a

693
00:35:08,239 --> 00:35:09,480
defibrillator put in.

694
00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:10,239
Speaker 2: Yep.

695
00:35:10,440 --> 00:35:13,800
Speaker 1: And defibrillator is basically like the paddles they shock you

696
00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:16,760
with that they install it. And the reason they install

697
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:20,320
it is because they said, your heart is literally so weak.

698
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:22,239
If it gets in a bad rhythm, you will drop

699
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:25,119
dead and nobody can do anything about it. This is

700
00:35:26,280 --> 00:35:29,320
this is the last resort saying this will save you,

701
00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:31,159
but it's the only shot you got.

702
00:35:31,599 --> 00:35:32,679
Speaker 2: Well let's do it. Yep.

703
00:35:33,199 --> 00:35:36,480
Speaker 1: So in six months time, all that has went on.

704
00:35:37,239 --> 00:35:39,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's like that you're liking.

705
00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:41,960
Speaker 1: You're dealing with your own mortality.

706
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:42,679
Speaker 2: Yep.

707
00:35:43,159 --> 00:35:45,239
Speaker 1: Then I go in about a month later for them

708
00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:48,880
to check everything. They they tell me, you know, my heart,

709
00:35:49,639 --> 00:35:53,840
my heart response rate, a refraction rate I should say,

710
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:57,320
is at twenty three and is that not going to

711
00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:02,000
get any better? Period? And when I asked him, I said, well,

712
00:36:02,079 --> 00:36:05,480
I'm talking to two doctors and I said, well, what

713
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:10,599
can I do to make it better? And they said

714
00:36:10,599 --> 00:36:12,119
it's not gonna get better? And I said, okay, well

715
00:36:12,199 --> 00:36:14,199
let me take a different avenue. What is it do

716
00:36:14,239 --> 00:36:16,639
I need to stay away from, so don't make it work.

717
00:36:18,679 --> 00:36:22,559
They paused, and they looked at each other, and then

718
00:36:22,599 --> 00:36:24,719
one of them looked back to me and said, just

719
00:36:24,760 --> 00:36:29,360
live your life. Yeah, that's not very comforting to hear.

720
00:36:29,719 --> 00:36:33,239
Speaker 2: No, and that's a lot to deal with. That's horrible

721
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:33,800
to deal with.

722
00:36:34,159 --> 00:36:36,360
Speaker 1: At this point in we're seven months in, We've had

723
00:36:36,679 --> 00:36:38,679
I've had a heart attack, we've lost a big chunk

724
00:36:38,719 --> 00:36:43,679
of our income, we've lost Ninja, and now I find

725
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:47,840
out basically through the doctors. They they'd never like to

726
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:53,320
give timelines, but they said, honestly, probably five years. Yeah,

727
00:36:53,360 --> 00:36:56,280
and that's so now you've got a number to go

728
00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,000
with it. And that's not to say that's what's going

729
00:36:58,079 --> 00:36:58,679
to happen, but.

730
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:01,199
Speaker 2: You know, anything that happened.

731
00:37:01,320 --> 00:37:03,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't say you don't think about it. I mean,

732
00:37:03,519 --> 00:37:04,840
and that was a year ago.

733
00:37:05,840 --> 00:37:08,960
Speaker 2: Yeah, of course you think about it. And that's horrible

734
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:11,239
to live with every day. Yeah, so you definitely have

735
00:37:11,239 --> 00:37:14,920
your struggles as well, and like that's our news.

736
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:17,920
Speaker 1: And then on top of that, I told you how

737
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:20,559
active I am. Yeah, I mean I was on the

738
00:37:20,559 --> 00:37:22,039
go from the time I got up and then all

739
00:37:22,039 --> 00:37:23,360
of a sudden It's like you can't do any of

740
00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:26,840
that stuff anymore. You can't mow your own grass, you

741
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,800
can't you you know, I had zero energy where I

742
00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:33,199
could walk around in Walmart and I was ready for

743
00:37:33,239 --> 00:37:37,400
a nap, right, you know. The stuff that I would

744
00:37:37,559 --> 00:37:40,599
regularly do I couldn't do anymore. What would take me

745
00:37:40,880 --> 00:37:43,119
forty five minutes to clean out my garage now took

746
00:37:43,159 --> 00:37:46,719
four hours because I had to keep stopping. So not

747
00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:48,960
now you're dealing with not only the mortality, but you're

748
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:51,800
starting to deal with I can't even be the person.

749
00:37:52,719 --> 00:37:54,840
The things that I enjoyed most, which was just getting

750
00:37:54,920 --> 00:37:57,400
up and being busy, I can't do anymore.

751
00:37:58,039 --> 00:38:00,719
Speaker 2: Yeah, that takes a lot, literally.

752
00:38:00,559 --> 00:38:04,920
Speaker 1: Drove me crazy, and I haven't settled for that in

753
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:07,000
the past year, you know. And and then we moved

754
00:38:07,000 --> 00:38:08,920
to Florida, which is something I wanted to do, but

755
00:38:08,960 --> 00:38:11,079
guess what, the money's not there. So I had to

756
00:38:11,079 --> 00:38:13,400
start working a full time job again, which I hadn't

757
00:38:13,400 --> 00:38:15,880
done in four years. So, you know, people have to

758
00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:17,679
work jobs. It's not you know, it's not to take

759
00:38:17,719 --> 00:38:18,480
away from them.

760
00:38:18,280 --> 00:38:21,159
Speaker 2: But I here, you have to work a job, Jerry, right,

761
00:38:21,400 --> 00:38:22,360
But I felt.

762
00:38:22,039 --> 00:38:25,360
Speaker 1: Like I was past working for somebody else at that point, right, because.

763
00:38:25,159 --> 00:38:27,239
Speaker 2: You've been so used to working for yourself, Like, fuck

764
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:28,239
this guy, I'm.

765
00:38:28,079 --> 00:38:30,400
Speaker 1: Not having a regular stand and make my own schedule.

766
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:31,920
If I wanted to go back home and business and

767
00:38:32,119 --> 00:38:34,079
would have been just go back home, But now I'm

768
00:38:34,079 --> 00:38:37,400
working a regular job and can't do that. And you know,

769
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,800
and then it was hard getting up and working physically.

770
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:41,360
It was hard to get up and work a job

771
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:44,159
anymore because you know, I've lost all my muscle masks

772
00:38:44,159 --> 00:38:47,199
and my arms and my legs and just walking around.

773
00:38:47,239 --> 00:38:48,880
And I of course I picked a job where it

774
00:38:48,920 --> 00:38:51,440
wasn't very physical, but I had to do a lot

775
00:38:51,440 --> 00:38:54,519
of walking around, a lot of standard and it was tough.

776
00:38:54,679 --> 00:38:57,320
And I you know, over the last six months, I

777
00:38:57,400 --> 00:39:00,360
worked my way into where I have a lot or

778
00:39:03,079 --> 00:39:04,719
I think got a lot of cardio in so I

779
00:39:04,760 --> 00:39:07,239
have a lot more energy now than what it did.

780
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:10,480
So that job actually probably helped me more than I

781
00:39:10,559 --> 00:39:11,400
ever realized.

782
00:39:12,119 --> 00:39:17,760
Speaker 2: I just think overall, like everybody struggles, and I always

783
00:39:18,679 --> 00:39:24,480
always stick by be nice to the person next to you,

784
00:39:24,760 --> 00:39:26,880
in front of you and behind you, because you have

785
00:39:27,079 --> 00:39:30,920
no idea what battle they are battling, no matter what,

786
00:39:31,199 --> 00:39:33,760
like I've had people be such dicks to me, and

787
00:39:33,800 --> 00:39:36,400
I'm like, oh, all right, I'm just gonna give you

788
00:39:36,440 --> 00:39:38,800
a backstory, and I'll give them like a fake backstory

789
00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:41,960
so that way I am not as harsh as they are,

790
00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:45,519
because they're harsh for a reason. So that's why I'm like,

791
00:39:45,559 --> 00:39:49,840
all right, reel it in, Like take a second. I

792
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:52,280
don't I don't know if you find yourself doing this,

793
00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:54,760
and like, like your situation, right, you were dealing with

794
00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:56,800
the public for a while, you would always have that

795
00:39:56,800 --> 00:39:59,400
one asshole, that one customer, that one boss, right, you

796
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:01,079
kind of got to and with a grain of salt,

797
00:40:01,119 --> 00:40:04,960
and so like dealing with what you dealt with, that's

798
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:06,880
a lot. And like I feel like if I was

799
00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:09,719
in your shoes, I wouldn't handle that situation, right. I

800
00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:13,760
don't think I would even be here because that right now,

801
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:16,599
like that is my mentality. That is my Like I

802
00:40:16,639 --> 00:40:18,840
don't know how you do that. But you're also older

803
00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:20,400
than me. You have a lot more under your belt

804
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:24,039
than me, like whatever, But to be told all this

805
00:40:24,119 --> 00:40:25,960
information that once and then you have to go deal

806
00:40:26,119 --> 00:40:28,679
with the public, that is a lot. That's a lot

807
00:40:28,719 --> 00:40:30,719
to take in and deal with and live with.

808
00:40:32,239 --> 00:40:34,119
Speaker 1: I tried to look at it as a because I

809
00:40:34,199 --> 00:40:37,119
was I went into furniture selves, so I was dealing

810
00:40:37,159 --> 00:40:39,880
with fast six seven customers. I had ten eleven people

811
00:40:39,920 --> 00:40:43,400
working with me every day. And I will tell you

812
00:40:43,519 --> 00:40:46,119
what I told them, because I turned My last day

813
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:50,800
was you know, this is coming out way later, so

814
00:40:50,880 --> 00:40:54,320
weeks later. But my last day was was this past

815
00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:57,639
Saturday or two saturdays ago, and they brought brought me

816
00:40:57,639 --> 00:41:01,639
a cake and all this stuff. You know. I told

817
00:41:01,679 --> 00:41:05,360
them they didn't know anything that was going on with

818
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:07,360
me because I never told anybody.

819
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:09,760
Speaker 2: Right, because it's not something that you I didn't.

820
00:41:09,519 --> 00:41:11,000
Speaker 1: Want to be looked at as different. I didn't want

821
00:41:11,039 --> 00:41:12,840
to be look you know, anything like that.

822
00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:15,679
Speaker 2: I understand that, and so.

823
00:41:15,719 --> 00:41:17,559
Speaker 1: I was mister happy, go lucky. So I think it

824
00:41:17,679 --> 00:41:21,000
surprised them because everybody was like, oh, we're going to

825
00:41:21,079 --> 00:41:23,360
miss you so much. Man. You were so fun to

826
00:41:23,440 --> 00:41:27,920
hang around and always cracking jokes. And right when they

827
00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:30,639
gave me my cake and I told them, I said

828
00:41:30,639 --> 00:41:32,599
thank you, and I said, you know, I've went through

829
00:41:32,639 --> 00:41:35,239
a lot in the last year and a half, and

830
00:41:35,280 --> 00:41:38,599
to be honest with you, you guys were a big

831
00:41:38,639 --> 00:41:40,840
part of the healing process without even knowing it.

832
00:41:41,639 --> 00:41:43,760
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's awesome. See, and that's great you had a

833
00:41:43,880 --> 00:41:46,800
great group of people because you're not going to go around,

834
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:48,519
like you're not going to go around and air your

835
00:41:48,559 --> 00:41:51,920
dirty laundry. You're not gonna talk about your struggles because

836
00:41:51,960 --> 00:41:55,320
like if anything like me, like you don't want to

837
00:41:55,360 --> 00:42:00,960
be perceived is like this weak character or like oh

838
00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:03,840
poor me, oh this and that. Like I feel like

839
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:07,320
once you say like hi, I have severe depression or

840
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:10,079
HI I have severe anxiety, you were already labeled as

841
00:42:10,119 --> 00:42:13,639
a problem or you are already labeled as like ah fuck,

842
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:15,960
like this chick's on the team. Great, you know. And

843
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:20,320
I find that the people that struggle the most are

844
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:23,679
the best people because they get it. And I would

845
00:42:23,760 --> 00:42:27,320
much rather be around a group of depressed people than

846
00:42:27,400 --> 00:42:30,760
a group of fake happy people. At least the people

847
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:32,840
that are depressed or with their emotion and they understand

848
00:42:32,880 --> 00:42:35,119
what's going on. Where I think people who are super

849
00:42:35,159 --> 00:42:37,360
happy are over the top happy. Something's wrong, Like there's

850
00:42:37,440 --> 00:42:39,239
no way that you were that happy all the time,

851
00:42:39,639 --> 00:42:41,360
Like you know what I mean, Like, I don't know.

852
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:44,880
It's just been my experience with people, you know, I've

853
00:42:44,880 --> 00:42:47,599
been friends with the happiest people and they're shit bags.

854
00:42:47,639 --> 00:42:51,039
And I have been friends with the most saddest people

855
00:42:51,119 --> 00:42:53,079
and they give you the world. So like, I don't know,

856
00:42:53,119 --> 00:42:54,800
I know that's such a weird way to look at things,

857
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:56,800
but that's how I do. I just, I don't know,

858
00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:57,960
that's just how I feel.

859
00:42:59,079 --> 00:43:01,440
Speaker 1: Well a Manda. This is definitely been a different type

860
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:03,280
of episode than people are used to. But I hope

861
00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:04,719
everyone would helps somebody.

862
00:43:05,239 --> 00:43:07,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, I hope everyone liked it. We're here. I do

863
00:43:07,519 --> 00:43:11,159
not really talk to anyone on the internet, but I

864
00:43:11,239 --> 00:43:14,239
might one of these days. I'm very much like I just,

865
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:16,599
I'm very much weird like that. I was going through

866
00:43:16,679 --> 00:43:19,840
like messages people have sent us, and they're going back

867
00:43:19,880 --> 00:43:22,480
from like Tawant twenty two, and I'm like, oh shit,

868
00:43:22,880 --> 00:43:25,239
it's bad. I don't really go on a messenger all

869
00:43:25,239 --> 00:43:27,039
that often, and when I do, it's only to talk

870
00:43:27,039 --> 00:43:29,639
to like one person. But I'm not on there like that.

871
00:43:29,840 --> 00:43:34,320
Speaker 1: Looking well, It's like I said, I've been I've been

872
00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:39,079
lucky to be, you know. As as many bad things

873
00:43:39,079 --> 00:43:40,400
I feel like I have happened in last year and

874
00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:43,559
a half, I still know that I'm a very lucky person.

875
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:46,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're very blasted, very fortunate. You have good family,

876
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:48,920
just moved to a really nice house. Like it's nice,

877
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:50,960
you have a cute little doggie and a kiddy, and like,

878
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:53,599
I know it's not Ninja, but she will do.

879
00:43:54,159 --> 00:43:56,880
Speaker 1: That's the thing is people need to remember when you

880
00:43:57,079 --> 00:44:00,440
when you do start having bad thoughts, there's so many

881
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:02,960
good things you probably have going on. And if you

882
00:44:03,079 --> 00:44:07,400
don't know, I feel like that, then call somebody. Please

883
00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:10,599
don't ever have that. There's a stigma that it's weak

884
00:44:10,639 --> 00:44:13,360
to talk to somebody about your issues, but you need to,

885
00:44:13,880 --> 00:44:17,440
you absolutely need to, and there's the Crisis Helpline is

886
00:44:17,519 --> 00:44:19,480
nine to eight eight, So if you ever need to

887
00:44:19,519 --> 00:44:22,559
talk to somebody, you can always even if you don't

888
00:44:22,559 --> 00:44:25,679
listen to the show, join the Hillely Horror Stories group

889
00:44:25,719 --> 00:44:29,079
on Facebook. There's seven thousand people in there, and that's

890
00:44:29,440 --> 00:44:33,840
everybody in there is designed basically, we're all cut from

891
00:44:33,880 --> 00:44:35,639
the same cloth. We all want to help each other.

892
00:44:35,960 --> 00:44:38,039
And if you can go in there and post that

893
00:44:38,119 --> 00:44:40,760
you're having an issue, I promise you you'll have ten

894
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:44,039
people coming to you within five minutes because there's people

895
00:44:44,039 --> 00:44:46,320
from all over the world in there, and there's nine

896
00:44:46,320 --> 00:44:49,440
moderators that keep stuff straight. We haven't had a complaint

897
00:44:49,480 --> 00:44:51,320
in the group, I bet in over a year and

898
00:44:51,360 --> 00:44:51,679
a half.

899
00:44:52,239 --> 00:44:54,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I feel like all the bad sees

900
00:44:54,440 --> 00:44:57,199
kind of yeah, they're gone, yeah se yeah, because they

901
00:44:57,199 --> 00:44:58,320
don't tolerate that stuff.

902
00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:01,679
Speaker 1: But yes, anyway, if you ever want to contact me,

903
00:45:01,840 --> 00:45:04,519
you can contact me. A man does not big on

904
00:45:04,320 --> 00:45:07,599
the online. I get that. So yeah, your phone number,

905
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:09,000
I'm just kidding.

906
00:45:10,519 --> 00:45:13,599
Speaker 2: No, hut it out, hut it out right there.

907
00:45:14,119 --> 00:45:18,119
Speaker 1: My phone number is five two eight one seven zero

908
00:45:18,199 --> 00:45:20,719
eight nine to nine. If you ever just want to

909
00:45:20,760 --> 00:45:24,119
text or talk because you're going through something, I'm more

910
00:45:24,159 --> 00:45:27,559
of a texter than a caller, just because sometimes I

911
00:45:27,559 --> 00:45:29,760
can't answer the phone. But I promise you if you

912
00:45:29,800 --> 00:45:31,039
text me, I will text you back.

913
00:45:31,840 --> 00:45:33,559
Speaker 2: Yes, always.

914
00:45:33,880 --> 00:45:36,719
Speaker 1: All right, guys. That wraps up this special episode.

915
00:45:37,000 --> 00:45:39,039
Speaker 2: No, be safe, Be kind, Talk to you guys soon.

916
00:45:39,079 --> 00:45:39,280
Buy