Speaker 1: This week on a very special episode of Wickedly Weird
with Jerry and Amanda, Jerry and Amanda talk about depression
and overall mental anxiety. How was that was that? Was
that like a special?
Speaker 2: That was good? That was good? I like it.
Speaker 1: So, Amanda, we talked you and I last week off
air about that. It might be nice because you were
talking about some struggles we talked about in private that
you've encountered, and of course I've had my struggles in
the past, and we thought, you know what, we get
a lot of listeners and maybe it would be cool
just to not do a regular episode and just be
us talking about some things that we deal with on
a daily basis, just to let everybody else know that
they're not alone in their struggles.
Speaker 2: That's right, That's what we're here to do today, folks.
Speaker 1: So it's going to be obviously a different kind of
podcast as far as episode wise. We're not going to
have a story worked up. We'll be back to the
regular stuff on our next episode, but we're just here to,
I don't know, let people see that maybe we're more
in common, We have more in common with them than
they even realize.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's true. It's true because everybody struggles.
Speaker 1: So let's let's start Amanda. We're gonna start with you
on this one. You've had, You've it's something depression and
anxiety is something that you've dealt with for forever, Yeah, forever.
So talk a little bit about some of the stuff
you've dealt with in your past.
Speaker 2: Oh, just like I don't know, Like I mean, there's
lots of things anxiety. For instance, Like when I started
a new chapter in my career book, it was very
it was challenging at first. I didn't have a great manager.
I didn't have the support system that I have now.
So like I remember two or three summers ago, it
was horrible. And like you know, when you think that
you have found like a really good friend to kimfiden
and then it turns out like they're not really good
to kinfide in because what they end up doing is
already taking your anxiety and making it worse. So like
I have been with a certain company for X amount
of years, I think for like almost ten years, and
like you know, you sometimes I think people get bored, right,
and like you know, I definitely was getting bored, and
so I made a tdious and into like a different
kind of career path, and I didn't realize what that
career path was going to entail. Now, I am not
a people person and this job is one hundred percent
a people person job. I've learned that, but it took
me forever to get where I am now.
Speaker 1: Because can I intervene for a second.
Speaker 2: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I always think it's funny when you say you're not
a people person, because I would be willing to bet
that most of the people listening would assume you're the
life of a person or the life of a party
and definitely a people person. So when you say you're
not a people person, oh, treak that down.
Speaker 2: Not a people person in terms of like I so
you're right, like I love to have fun. People around
you will tell you that I like to have fun.
I love to party like there is no limit on
my Like, well there is now because I'm a thirty
something year old person and I can't be party animal anymore.
But yes, like I definitely was. But I think maybe
in in terms of like, I'm not a people pleaser
and I'm not like I'm gonna march the beat of
my own drum regardless, and that does not work in
a professional environment, like you have to be able to
move and groove to what someone may need versus what
I want. So like, yeah, if I know you, I'm
a people person, but it takes me a little bit
to warm up to you. I'm not just gonna be like,
oh hey, blah blah blah, let's party and hang out
like I'm not gonna I won't do that because I
need to know you first, to get to know you
before I become that people person that you end up
getting to know and whatever.
Speaker 1: Are you a type of person? Like if you're in
line at the grocery store, do you just start talking
to the person in front of you?
Speaker 2: Always? No, no, but not always. And you know what
happens to me is I'll make eye contact with someone
and then it's it's over, Like it happened to me.
Actually the other day, I'm standing in line and this
line was so bad, but I really needed to get
some essentials. So I stood in line and I may
contact the elderly gentleman in front of me, and I
learned about everything that I didn't want to learn about.
And I'm not gonna tell this poor gentleman like I've
had a long day, my social battery is done and
it's strained, and I don't I don't want, I don't care,
Like I'm not gonna say that, And so I guess
I guess that's where you can kind of be like, well,
you are a people person because you're not telling him
to fuck off. And it's like, I don't know, I
don't know, Like I think I try not to be
maybe I try not to be a people person, but
people just people with me. That makes any sense, it does, Yeah,
Like I'll just be trying to you know, like for instance,
if I get a call and someone's trying to maybe
I don't they need help with something, and I'm trying
to help them with their situation, like and I call
it like friendly mouth syndrome, where like someone will start
talking to me, but they're trying to figure out what
they need, so to make up dead air, they'll start
talking to me about their day or you know, about
something that maybe a family member did, or they'll talk
about their dog who passed away, and like that actually
happened to me like three weeks ago. And this is
the stuff that gets me because this is where like
the whole people person thing, you're like oh, you would
just be like okay and hoh, what do you need?
But like I couldn't help it. And I was so
like into what this person was talking about about their dog, because,
as you know, my dog just passed away and that
was hard. That was so hard because that dog had
done with me since I was twenty five maybe, so
to have that comfort gone was a big thing. And
I actually was on the phone a little extra with
this person just to hear their story about their animal,
and it was it was weird, like it was nice.
And that's I'm not even like a like a self
help person. I'm just a I'm just a I'm just
a person.
Speaker 1: Well, so you need to give yourself more credit than that,
because I know, just from my past experiences with you,
whenever I've ever had anything going on or something like that,
you're always one of the first person people I talk
to that are asking how I'm doing and expressing concerns.
So you're probably a little more like that than you
want to give yourself credit for.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I just I also think, like, yeah, I'm not
as hard hardened as I think I come off, and
I try not to be just sometimes like throw balls, whitch,
like me. So for instance, as you know, like you
know I have ADHD, I'm unneedicated so that some days
are a lot harder for others because what is associated
with ADHD is like anxiety and depression, and maybe you
might have like like texture issues and noise issues. So
like for me, I need to be in a quiet
space when I'm working. And that's that's including the things
I write about. That includes even playing a game or
even working, because if you sat next to me, I
can guarantee you I would get one hour of work
done because I am so interested in your life and
what you're about. Who cares at work when I have
a buddy. And so that's the other thing. I'm impulsive too,
which really really fucking suck. And you're always like next
quick fix of being like, oh my god, like look
at I got these stickers. Today's in the straight and
then tomorrow I'm over it and I need to find
the next thing to keep me going. It's really it's
as I get older, I notice these things and I
hate them about myself. So I try and like twist
it and make it like, oh hey, let's try and
celebrate the thing that you just accomplished instead of looking
and searching for better. That's not gonna happen, right, that's
not real. So that's I think some of my downfalls
that I definitely too have body dysmorphia. So like I
think I'm bigger than I am. I always wear really big,
baggy clothes. You'll never catch me in something that fits
my body. Ever. I always wear sizes that are like
three sizes too big, and I'm always in a hoodie
sweatshirts say I'm actually kind of sweating to death. So
this is rare. But like normally I will not like
I am in mat clothes. I'll wear Matt's clothes all
the time. I out in public, it's a little different.
But if I'm home, I'm in his clothes. If I'm
going to the beach, I'm in and it's weird because
it's like, what are you doing? So that's me. I
mean growing up, I wasn't really told I was like
pretty or whatever. It was always they didn't like. It
was always like oh you're chubby, or oh you'd look
better as a blonde, or oh you you know what
I mean, or I wish you had blue eyes, like
it'd be weird. Shit like that, and you. I guess
as a kid, you internalize that that stuff, and that's
horrible to do to someone. So I always tell my
kids they're awesome, they're loved, they're beautiful, so they hear that,
because as a kid, I didn't hear that. So that's
why I'm like, oh my god, that's so important, so important.
And my son deals with ADHD, so I'm always making sure, hey,
you're smart. I mean he went from like like really
low c's, two d's to a's and b's, and like
he got two c's, so like, I think it's his
medication helps him and having that positive reinforcement is huge.
And I think growing up in the nineties it was
such a weird generation where like my mom smoked a
packa day, always had a pepsi in her hand, never
a beer in like a perm and like she was
just very much go outside and play, go outside and play.
My brother had cerebral palsy, so that's a whole nother
like situation. You know that gets pulled into everything. As
a kid, you're the backburner kid, which is fine. I
didn't know any different, but now that I'm older, I'm like,
oh my god, like holy shit, like I have two
children that are very able, but like to like be like,
holy shit, like I missed out on this, this, this,
and this because I didn't have that luxury. So it's
things that I try and work in to my children's
lives versus what I didn't get. Because depression, as you know,
is horrible, Like you can't get out of bed, you can't,
you don't want to eat, you don't want to socialize,
you don't you shut off from the world and nobody does, Like,
no one should live like that. And that's hard, Like
it's hard to like deal with those things.
Speaker 1: That's why I think it's important for people to realize
that they're struggling with something like that, you really need
to get as many hobbies and stuff as you can
because you know, and if I'm going to say this
and if you'd rather cut it out later, we'll cut
it out. But I mean, I know, you know, when
we first started doing Morning you will be offended. Yeah,
that was going really good. We made a change, we
had to stop, yep, right and then you know, but
you were telling me after the fact when we started
the podcast up again, because it took about a year
and we restarted right and you were telling me then
about how much the the podcast meant to you about Yeah,
it was something that you were doing, something that meant
something to you. And then when it wasn't there anymore
that I mean, it had its because I mean, I'm
not saying that through you into depression. That's not what
I'm saying at all. Oh no, but but that was something.
After that time, you did have some months to where
you were a little a little worse off, and I'm
sure that contributed to it.
Speaker 2: Well, right, because like I find, especially someone that lives
with the anxiety depression ADHD, sensory the whole nine, like
I need something to look forward to. So, like I know,
on Monday night, I'm going to do a podcast with
you at seven. I am on the dot seven o'clock. Now.
The only times I've missed it is when I had
sun poisoning last what on Monday I had been Yeah,
I was so burnt, like and I was covered in
mosquito bites on my toes and like on my actual
toes my ankles, Like I was so like gross and
actually I have to get this look to Acai. I'm
like getting vertigo a little bit. So like I definitely
have an inner air thing going on.
Speaker 1: Butted too.
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, so I've been drinking tons of water just
but I was so ill on Monday, Like I was exhausted.
I couldn't stay awake. I just was like this is
not for me, so that in itself, like it gives
me a reason to do something versus sitting at home
and doing whatever. I mean, you know, and I've got
my kids obviously, and we hang out and we do
things and that's all well and good. But like as
a mother, I'm sure other mothers can, like even as
a dad too, Like you know what I mean, you
need you time, you need to decompress. And I'm sorry,
but like I don't think showers are a fucking luxury.
They like.
Speaker 1: You need to go to somebody's star world countries.
Speaker 2: Well that's true, that's true. But like I mean, I
don't know, like like basic needs that you do your
daily ADLs, whatever you want to call it, like that
should not be considered a person like a self care thing. Agree, Yeah,
self care is like getting out on your own, going
for that coffee by yourself, listening to music in the
car for a drive, maybe calling that friend you haven't
spoken to in a while. I think that women in
particular like not to be like, oh, women are worse men,
Like no, but you know, you get that post some
people get really bad postpartum depression, some people suffer from
other mental ailments or whatever. And I think self care
is super important. And you know from experience, my mom
did not get a lot of self care when I
was growing up because she couldn't. And now that she's older,
I'm almost glad, you know what I mean that she's
doing her own thing because she didn't see that, and
I saw a toll that it took on her mental health.
So these are things that like I catalogue in my
brain and I'm like, okay, Amanda, Like if you're feeling
a type of way and your kids are really bothering you,
and this has taken me and I'm still learning, I
need to walk away because I am just going to
be a straight up asshole. I'm going to be mean
to every buddy. I am going to be sure, and
it's hard to picture me probably being really mean, but
I'm an asshole. Like I'll I just like snap and
like I'm shitty and I am like stand offish and
like you can't even approach me and like I can.
When I feel myself getting like that, I know that
I need to take I need to go away because
I am being I mean being a real bitch, Like
I just need to take time. And you know it's
taken my husband a lot too, is he'll be like,
you need to either eat or you need to go
fuck right off because you are in a way and
you're making everyone nuts, and uh, you need to you
need to go do you and like maybe and like
he'll send me to do things too, which is nice.
We'll be like, oh, why don't you go see a
movie with your friend? Or why don't you get your
nails done? Or you know here, why don't you do
this or that? Because I do write, but sometimes I
find it very hard when my brain is so busy,
like I don't know how to describe this without like
I don't. It's weird, you know, like when you have
TV in the background and you can hear it. That's
my it's rain twenty four hours a day. There is
always some static in there. I don't just fall asleep
like I have insomnia, so like there are some nights
like I haven't gone to bed till four o'clock in
the morning and I have to be up at six,
Like that's fucking horrible. That's gotten worse as I've gotten older.
And it doesn't even matter. I mean, like, yes, I'm
a heavy marijuana smoker, like you would think that would
make me tired. Nine times out of ten, I am
bouncing off the walls. I am cleaning the walls, I
am tearing apart my kitchen, I am moving around my bedroom.
I am singing and dancing. I am having the time
of my life. That's why I joke around with my
husband and say I'm a vampire because I am more
active at night than I am during the day. I
hate being awake during the day, believe it or not.
I'd much rather be asleep during the day and up
all night.
Speaker 1: It's funny when you talk about your brain going at
that level, because mine's the same way. And I can't
tell you how many times I've made a comment and
Tracey'd be like, where did that come from? And I'll
explain the process in which to where that comment came from,
and it'd be like five things all strung together that
happened over to crist two seconds, you know, and like
we were talking today. We were riding down the road
and I said, out of nowhere and we're down a
busy road, we're not by the beach, and I say,
you know, you know, nobody ever hunts pelicans, and she
was like, where the hell did that come from?
Speaker 2: That I would say, yeah, and I'm like, well, I.
Speaker 1: Saw I saw that bird over there, and then that
made me think about the other day when we were
at the beach and we saw the pelican dive in
the water, and then all of a sudden, that made
me think about, well, they must have a pretty good
life because nobody ever hunts them, and that's what came
out of my mouth. And that was like literally two
seconds that I went from A to B to C
and it was just because of something.
Speaker 2: Random that I right, like, yeah, all right, So I
saw that crane on the beach and I was talking
to Matt and I was like, you think like they
were just dyings that didn't die off, and he was like, no,
I think that's not a thing. They're not terodactyls in
real life. They are birds. Stop it.
Speaker 1: I just have people tell me, well, what you said
didn't make any sense, and it doesn't because they only
hurt the end. Uh, there was a whole bunch of
steps leading up to them that that would have made
it make sense. But they didn't get. They weren't privy
to any of that.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, like I'll talk about pelicans not pelicans like
all that shit. It's just like, I don't know. I think,
I don't know. Yeah, I get what you're saying, though
I do it all the time. I do, like the
whole like, oh, well, could you imagine if did you
imagine if t rexes were two feet tall? And that's
because I saw our chicken. Like it's shit like that.
It's very much all over the place. It's fun.
Speaker 1: Let's talk about when you've really had your struggles with depression,
like you said, where you go maybe weeks at a
time where it's hard to get out of and all that.
What do you find helps pull you out of it?
Speaker 2: Nothing me. I have to do it. You can tell
me a million times that you love me, or that
you're you're good, you're fine, things will get better. Well
in my world that doesn't know, it's the end of
the world and that's happening right now, and that's what
it is. And it's like I have to want to
feel better. And I know, like, if I didn't have
my kids, I probably I don't know, Like I'm not
not sure if I would still be in that rut.
But kids change you. They change your outlook on what
you need to do. Like, yes, I have a husband,
Yes he could take care of them, but that's not
the point. Like I need to stand up and be like, hey, yeah,
you can have a tough time, but yet you can
still go out and you can still do things. You're fine,
you know what I mean. You will be fine. Things
will be fine. But like when I was younger, I
wouldn't shower for days. It was discussed. I was horrible.
I've gotten better now, definitely. I get up, I do
my thing. But here's the thing. I'm I am on
a schedule, and I need to stick to that schedule
because if I don't, then I become so like, I
become a blob of just I am like sadness from
inside out. That is the best way to describe me.
When Joy's dragging her on the floor, that is me.
If I can't if I don't have a routine, if
I don't have something to look forward to, if I
don't have the things that I need. And that's that's
just like that has taken a lot to get from
like joy to now anxiety. But like I mean from
a depression to anxiety. But like, yeah, I just I
think it's a lot of work.
Speaker 1: I agree one hundred percent. You know, I tell Tracy
because Tracy suffers from the depression and she doesn't deal
with it. I think as well as what I do.
But I get up every morning and even if I
have nothing to do. That's not saying I don't sleep
in an hour extra or something on days, but even
if I have nothing going on, I have a routine.
I get up, I shave, I put on my deodorant,
I brush my teeth in that order, I get completely
dressed before I walk out of my bedroom. And then
if I'm just watching TV all day, doesn't matter, it
doesn't matter.
Speaker 2: That's my And so that's what I need to learn
to do because I will rotten pajamas for like three
or four days. I don't give a fuck, Like and
that's the problem. And I don't know if you deal
with this, but I don't give a fuck. It like
it is strong with this one, Like I'm like, uh,
I don't care you don't talk to me ever again,
that's fine, Like God, I'm gonna and that's just weird,
and that it's it's weird because like I do care, right,
like I really do care if someone stop talking to me.
But all I so like this is really weird. So
someone said it to me. Great, she said, your whole
life you have been in survival mode, so you don't
know how to relax. She's like, you are waiting for
the next thing to happen, and that is why you
can't sit still in watch TV. That is why you
have to constantly be moving and grooving. I'll clean my
house three times in a RUW doesn't matter. I'll wash
the floors Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Like then it gets to
a point where my husband has to be like, you
are fine, this house is fine. You need to figure
it out because this isn't gonna work. Like you are
freaking out about socks on the floor and that you know,
I don't know if you have OCD, but I do,
and so stuff like that will get me.
Speaker 1: I don't have OCD, but at the same time, I
do feel like like I always need to be doing
something and it's like I've told this story before. I
had one time whereb had some I had. I did
some yard work and I had put out mulch that
was like a bag short and at work, I was
in a shirt, tie, dress, pants, stresses.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 1: I went out and bought that mulch. I came home
right after work, and instead of going in and changing
like most people, I went out there and spread that
mulch in my good clothes because I couldn't stand the thought.
I can't I can't come in and rest if I
know there's something that still needs to be done.
Speaker 2: The same way yep.
Speaker 1: And that's where I run into the You know, like
I said, I'll get up in the morning and I'll
have a thousand things done around the house before Tracey
even gets out of bed. And that's not saying she's
slaying lighting in the bed all day. It's just the
way I am. But after I get dressed, I'll come in,
I'll start cleaning up the kitchen, I'll make brains. That's
just what I do.
Speaker 2: And I'm the same way.
Speaker 1: I have a hard time just sitting down And yeah.
Speaker 2: That my mother would be like Sundays is the day
that you clean, you do, not lay in bed you
are up by eight. Hare is a mop, Hare is
a fucking pail, have a good time, clean your room,
go through your clothes, like there what. Because we had
nurses in and out of my house all the time
and my brother was very ill, my house needed to
be spotless and clean, so that is one of the
things that I do try and work. I'm like, I'll
purposely leave dishes in this sink on purpose, just because
I've done them all day long, and I need to
just take a minute, like enough is enough. It's time
to reevaluate yourself and go do something else, because obsessing
over the three dishes in the sink is getting you
fucking no place. It is chaos constantly. And I freak
out about laundry too. I love to put it away,
like I know, I love to do it. I hate
to put it away like it's just one of those things.
I have doom piles all around my house, and not
that my house's already, but I do have doom piles
that you can't see, like in my bedroom and like
behind thing. It's really bad. And I haveroom doom drawers
as well. And sometimes I say fuck it, grab a
black trash bag and throw everything in that doom box
or that doom closet or that doom pile away. I
don't even give you shits because it'll stay like that
for the rest of my life if I don't well on.
Speaker 1: My side of things, like you said. And I wrote
a lot about this in my book, but not everybody
has read the book, but I've talked about it in
depth a lot of times on hibally horror Stories. But
you know, I went through my first probably thirty years
on this earth. I couldn't have told you anything about depression.
I saw my mom go through, but I didn't know
that's what it was. But as far as me, you know,
I couldn't have been happier. And I had a hard
time dealing with stress, and that would come out as
much like you said, well ago with just being an
addict to everybody, Yeah, and anger issues, and that was
my way of, you know, with the stress. And it
took a toll. Obviously. I lost my you know, wife
as she got a divorced a, lost my kids and
everything in that to wroad instead of seeing them all
the time I'm seeing them on a regular basis, lost
the house, and that's when I started going through depression,
and of course I ended up leading to a felt
suicide attempt, right, And you know, but then I just
told myself, you know what, I can wallow and self
pity the rest of my life, or I can say,
you know what, a new day starts right now.
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is the rest to you. Yeah, it's all
up to you and what you want to do.
Speaker 1: And that's what I did. And I went to counseling,
which I swore I would never do because I thought
it was bullshit, right, And then I've since realized counseling
is ten times one hundred times better than I ever
thought it could be, so much that I still use today. Right.
Speaker 2: Like it's weird too, because from someone who doesn't know you,
a stranger and they look in on you and they're like,
what the fuck are you doing? Like they don't say
it like that, but you know that's what they mean,
like when are you? Like, you know, and I think
mental health back when you were growing up, even when
I was growing up, like it was not really a thing,
like if you had ADHD, you were a fucking leper.
And I know because my mom wouldn't put me on
medication because she already had one one sick kid. She
didn't even other one and not just not to put
shit on her like that is how that generation was raised,
right because like think about it, like her parents' parents,
if you were crazy, they stuck you in a looney bin.
That was it. Away you went and you were never
seen or heard from again, and you died there.
Speaker 1: And that weren't getting any help in there.
Speaker 2: No, they were abusing you, chaining you to walls, and
that's what they were doing. And there was I mean,
I remember when I was working in the special needs community,
I would have patience that were in their seventies, eighties
and nineties who would tell me about the homes they
were in, and they would show me their teeth and
how they were ripped out, or they would show me
like their fingernails and how they didn't have any cause
they and like it is such an awakening to be like,
holy shit, these people saw some shit and they went
through some things, and you read about it and you
hear about it, and you're just like, like, people are
lucky for what they have now, even if it isn't great,
it's still something. And you're not being shoved in a home.
And this is the things that like I think about
and it was such a like humbling, like awakening experience.
I'll never forget. It was like nineteen or twenty and
I'm helping this poor gentleman. He's going in the bathroom.
I'm helping him getting him cleaned up, and he looked
at me and he thanked me, and I was like, oh,
this is like my job, right, I'm like, oh, no problem.
He goes Oh, He's like this is amazing. He's like,
no one is yelling at me and screaming at me,
And I'm like, well, the fuck what you work? And
what that was doing? That?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: Names numbers like who was this? You know? And it's
just like, I think mental health has come a long
way from then when it was. But like even when
you were growing up, I'm sure people didn't know what
you know, what I mean, no one knew what was happening.
That person's just crazier, that person's a little strange or whatever. Right,
And then yeah, when I was growing up, it was like, oh,
don't don't talk to so and so, or don't do
this with so and so because they're weird. Like it's
just so many things that you look back on and
you're like, holy shit, Like I am blessed to have
this therapist and I am blessed to have this avenue
that I can go down if I need help and
all these resources where back then there wasn't that. And
look at those generations and how is it how it's
affected like even my generation. Things like that, though I
don't think we I think we just didn't realize and
it's it's been taken for granted in some circumstances.
Speaker 1: I feel like for myself, I was able to do
what a lot of people can't do, and that's handle
my situation without medication. Yeah, tried medication. It didn't work
for me. Not not that it didn't work. I didn't
like the side effects, that type of thing.
Speaker 2: You'll hear that a lot, yep.
Speaker 1: So instead I just found ways to just control my anger.
And it took years, and I just I learned. I
learned that I've started having a negative thought, whether that
be suicide or whether that be in any kind of
negative thought. I learned that I could turn that off
and just replace it with a positive thought.
Speaker 2: A glimmer yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1: So I would always have five or six things memories
will say that were like the greatest thing I had,
something to do with my kids or something accomplishment.
Speaker 2: You're looking for a glimmer, right, So anytime.
Speaker 1: I needed something, I just snatched it and replaced it immediately,
because those bad thoughts will come out of nowhere for
no reason.
Speaker 2: It's weird. You'll be like minding your business and all
of a sudden it'll be like, oh, I remember that
time that you did X, Y and Z and your
dad was like your gross, Like it's weird stuff like
that that you're like shit, like what the or like
smells will do it to me. Smells will do it
to me. Smells will trigger thoughts sometimes, which that's great.
I'm like the fuck, like you know what I mean?
And like it'll be like smells or like sometimes like
if you're driving, buy something like a memory like go
look at that stores where I used to go with
so and so and now they passed away, and then
like you you know what I mean, it's like weird
things like yeah, and you're like no enough, like that
didn't like that memory happened? Yes? Did it suck? Yeah,
but you need to move on from that. You can
have trauma and you can work like you can't live
in those bad days. Sometimes I find that certain people
they live in that. And you can't live in wallow
because when you do that, you're not gonna heal.
Speaker 1: I went through most of the last twenty years learning
to adjust. That's say you don't have bad days, because
you do. Doesn't matter what you feel like you've you've
been able to overcome. You've never I always say, you
never completely heal from depression. It's that you literally battle
it every single day. You learn to live with it
and deal with it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And it's how you choose to deal with it.
And there are some people that you know they need
to be on medication and they need that, and good
thing they have that, And I think it's a very
strong thing to like recognize that, like, hey, like I'm
really struggling. I need help, and what I'm doing is working,
but maybe this particular medicine or this particular thing might
help me. And I think that's really good that we
have those resources. Now.
Speaker 1: I feel like, like I said, I felt like I
done a good job of managing it. I've had very
few instances where I went into a deep depression. It
would last maybe a couple of days at most. Yeah,
but the last year and a half has been a throwback.
It's probably been my biggest struggle since two thousand and
one when I had my suicide attempt.
Speaker 2: Right, it's just.
Speaker 1: Like everything and even then, I look at myself and
I'm like, I still don't have it near as bad
as some people.
Speaker 2: I know.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I know, but everything, like you said earlier,
it's got to.
Speaker 2: Do with your rab value, you know, my you know.
Speaker 1: But you know, in the last year and a half,
I had well, let's just say this. I was able
to in twenty and twenty quit working my day job,
which I absolutely hated, seventy hours a week constant press,
putting in another forty hours a week on the podcast
Inane and it was just a grind. And the eventually
it just got to the point where I said, you
know what, I think we can do the podcast full time.
We did, It took off and it was great. I mean,
we were making really good money. We were able to
be very fortunate, very fortunate, very fortunately, very lucky, because
not very many people get that opportunity.
Speaker 2: If they don't.
Speaker 1: For four years we were able to just do the podcasts,
travel around a little bit, but you you develop a
false sense of security in that situation. And then the
economy started to tank a little bit begin to twenty
twenty three, and advertisers started pulling out a podcasting slowly
but surely, and you end up where all of a
sudden our money was cut in half with that problem
couple of months, luckily we had some money in the bank.
And then but then during that same time, I had
a heart attack. Right, was flat lined on the table
for two minutes. Right, completely changed my outlook on life
because they told me that I had a week heart,
like a very weak heart.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 1: So I go in four months later and get a
and of course in March Ninja passes away, which is
really devastating to us. I mean, that dog was everything.
There's still not a day. I mean we're a year
and a half passed almost and I still you know,
we've got a little shrine set up in our house.
Speaker 2: To then Joe, Right, I've got two shrines.
Speaker 1: Ye, not a day that goes by that I don't
think about that dog, And not very many days go
by that I don't shed.
Speaker 2: A tear over right, because it's sad. It sucks.
Speaker 1: So in three months I had a heart attackst income
lost the dog.
Speaker 2: Yep. So that got such a heavy gid. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Then we decided in June I had to have a
defibrillator put in.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 1: And defibrillator is basically like the paddles they shock you
with that they install it. And the reason they install
it is because they said, your heart is literally so weak.
If it gets in a bad rhythm, you will drop
dead and nobody can do anything about it. This is
this is the last resort saying this will save you,
but it's the only shot you got.
Speaker 2: Well let's do it. Yep.
Speaker 1: So in six months time, all that has went on.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's like that you're liking.
Speaker 1: You're dealing with your own mortality.
Speaker 2: Yep.
Speaker 1: Then I go in about a month later for them
to check everything. They they tell me, you know, my heart,
my heart response rate, a refraction rate I should say,
is at twenty three and is that not going to
get any better? Period? And when I asked him, I said, well,
I'm talking to two doctors and I said, well, what
can I do to make it better? And they said
it's not gonna get better? And I said, okay, well
let me take a different avenue. What is it do
I need to stay away from, so don't make it work.
They paused, and they looked at each other, and then
one of them looked back to me and said, just
live your life. Yeah, that's not very comforting to hear.
Speaker 2: No, and that's a lot to deal with. That's horrible
to deal with.
Speaker 1: At this point in we're seven months in, We've had
I've had a heart attack, we've lost a big chunk
of our income, we've lost Ninja, and now I find
out basically through the doctors. They they'd never like to
give timelines, but they said, honestly, probably five years. Yeah,
and that's so now you've got a number to go
with it. And that's not to say that's what's going
to happen, but.
Speaker 2: You know, anything that happened.
Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't say you don't think about it. I mean,
and that was a year ago.
Speaker 2: Yeah, of course you think about it. And that's horrible
to live with every day. Yeah, so you definitely have
your struggles as well, and like that's our news.
Speaker 1: And then on top of that, I told you how
active I am. Yeah, I mean I was on the
go from the time I got up and then all
of a sudden It's like you can't do any of
that stuff anymore. You can't mow your own grass, you
can't you you know, I had zero energy where I
could walk around in Walmart and I was ready for
a nap, right, you know. The stuff that I would
regularly do I couldn't do anymore. What would take me
forty five minutes to clean out my garage now took
four hours because I had to keep stopping. So not
now you're dealing with not only the mortality, but you're
starting to deal with I can't even be the person.
The things that I enjoyed most, which was just getting
up and being busy, I can't do anymore.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that takes a lot, literally.
Speaker 1: Drove me crazy, and I haven't settled for that in
the past year, you know. And and then we moved
to Florida, which is something I wanted to do, but
guess what, the money's not there. So I had to
start working a full time job again, which I hadn't
done in four years. So, you know, people have to
work jobs. It's not you know, it's not to take
away from them.
Speaker 2: But I here, you have to work a job, Jerry, right,
But I felt.
Speaker 1: Like I was past working for somebody else at that point, right, because.
Speaker 2: You've been so used to working for yourself, Like, fuck
this guy, I'm.
Speaker 1: Not having a regular stand and make my own schedule.
If I wanted to go back home and business and
would have been just go back home, But now I'm
working a regular job and can't do that. And you know,
and then it was hard getting up and working physically.
It was hard to get up and work a job
anymore because you know, I've lost all my muscle masks
and my arms and my legs and just walking around.
And I of course I picked a job where it
wasn't very physical, but I had to do a lot
of walking around, a lot of standard and it was tough.
And I you know, over the last six months, I
worked my way into where I have a lot or
I think got a lot of cardio in so I
have a lot more energy now than what it did.
So that job actually probably helped me more than I
ever realized.
Speaker 2: I just think overall, like everybody struggles, and I always
always stick by be nice to the person next to you,
in front of you and behind you, because you have
no idea what battle they are battling, no matter what,
like I've had people be such dicks to me, and
I'm like, oh, all right, I'm just gonna give you
a backstory, and I'll give them like a fake backstory
so that way I am not as harsh as they are,
because they're harsh for a reason. So that's why I'm like,
all right, reel it in, Like take a second. I
don't I don't know if you find yourself doing this,
and like, like your situation, right, you were dealing with
the public for a while, you would always have that
one asshole, that one customer, that one boss, right, you
kind of got to and with a grain of salt,
and so like dealing with what you dealt with, that's
a lot. And like I feel like if I was
in your shoes, I wouldn't handle that situation, right. I
don't think I would even be here because that right now,
like that is my mentality. That is my Like I
don't know how you do that. But you're also older
than me. You have a lot more under your belt
than me, like whatever, But to be told all this
information that once and then you have to go deal
with the public, that is a lot. That's a lot
to take in and deal with and live with.
Speaker 1: I tried to look at it as a because I
was I went into furniture selves, so I was dealing
with fast six seven customers. I had ten eleven people
working with me every day. And I will tell you
what I told them, because I turned My last day
was you know, this is coming out way later, so
weeks later. But my last day was was this past
Saturday or two saturdays ago, and they brought brought me
a cake and all this stuff. You know. I told
them they didn't know anything that was going on with
me because I never told anybody.
Speaker 2: Right, because it's not something that you I didn't.
Speaker 1: Want to be looked at as different. I didn't want
to be look you know, anything like that.
Speaker 2: I understand that, and so.
Speaker 1: I was mister happy, go lucky. So I think it
surprised them because everybody was like, oh, we're going to
miss you so much. Man. You were so fun to
hang around and always cracking jokes. And right when they
gave me my cake and I told them, I said
thank you, and I said, you know, I've went through
a lot in the last year and a half, and
to be honest with you, you guys were a big
part of the healing process without even knowing it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's awesome. See, and that's great you had a
great group of people because you're not going to go around,
like you're not going to go around and air your
dirty laundry. You're not gonna talk about your struggles because
like if anything like me, like you don't want to
be perceived is like this weak character or like oh
poor me, oh this and that. Like I feel like
once you say like hi, I have severe depression or
HI I have severe anxiety, you were already labeled as
a problem or you are already labeled as like ah fuck,
like this chick's on the team. Great, you know. And
I find that the people that struggle the most are
the best people because they get it. And I would
much rather be around a group of depressed people than
a group of fake happy people. At least the people
that are depressed or with their emotion and they understand
what's going on. Where I think people who are super
happy are over the top happy. Something's wrong, Like there's
no way that you were that happy all the time,
Like you know what I mean, Like, I don't know.
It's just been my experience with people, you know, I've
been friends with the happiest people and they're shit bags.
And I have been friends with the most saddest people
and they give you the world. So like, I don't know,
I know that's such a weird way to look at things,
but that's how I do. I just, I don't know,
that's just how I feel.
Speaker 1: Well a Manda. This is definitely been a different type
of episode than people are used to. But I hope
everyone would helps somebody.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I hope everyone liked it. We're here. I do
not really talk to anyone on the internet, but I
might one of these days. I'm very much like I just,
I'm very much weird like that. I was going through
like messages people have sent us, and they're going back
from like Tawant twenty two, and I'm like, oh shit,
it's bad. I don't really go on a messenger all
that often, and when I do, it's only to talk
to like one person. But I'm not on there like that.
Speaker 1: Looking well, It's like I said, I've been I've been
lucky to be, you know. As as many bad things
I feel like I have happened in last year and
a half, I still know that I'm a very lucky person.
Speaker 2: Yeah, you're very blasted, very fortunate. You have good family,
just moved to a really nice house. Like it's nice,
you have a cute little doggie and a kiddy, and like,
I know it's not Ninja, but she will do.
Speaker 1: That's the thing is people need to remember when you
when you do start having bad thoughts, there's so many
good things you probably have going on. And if you
don't know, I feel like that, then call somebody. Please
don't ever have that. There's a stigma that it's weak
to talk to somebody about your issues, but you need to,
you absolutely need to, and there's the Crisis Helpline is
nine to eight eight, So if you ever need to
talk to somebody, you can always even if you don't
listen to the show, join the Hillely Horror Stories group
on Facebook. There's seven thousand people in there, and that's
everybody in there is designed basically, we're all cut from
the same cloth. We all want to help each other.
And if you can go in there and post that
you're having an issue, I promise you you'll have ten
people coming to you within five minutes because there's people
from all over the world in there, and there's nine
moderators that keep stuff straight. We haven't had a complaint
in the group, I bet in over a year and
a half.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I feel like all the bad sees
kind of yeah, they're gone, yeah se yeah, because they
don't tolerate that stuff.
Speaker 1: But yes, anyway, if you ever want to contact me,
you can contact me. A man does not big on
the online. I get that. So yeah, your phone number,
I'm just kidding.
Speaker 2: No, hut it out, hut it out right there.
Speaker 1: My phone number is five two eight one seven zero
eight nine to nine. If you ever just want to
text or talk because you're going through something, I'm more
of a texter than a caller, just because sometimes I
can't answer the phone. But I promise you if you
text me, I will text you back.
Speaker 2: Yes, always.
Speaker 1: All right, guys. That wraps up this special episode.
Speaker 2: No, be safe, Be kind, Talk to you guys soon.
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