WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.960 --> 00:00:06.000 Those day nights were usually the pulse of our week, 2 00:00:06.719 --> 00:00:08.800 that familiar evening with them, the soft thut of shoes 3 00:00:08.800 --> 00:00:10.439 by the door at the battle of friends coming up 4 00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:13.199 the stairwell, the scattered laughter and half drunk bottles of wine, 5 00:00:13.279 --> 00:00:15.519 the sketchbok sprawled out across the work table, smudges of 6 00:00:15.560 --> 00:00:19.280 chocoal dusting every available surface. These late brainsworms were a 7 00:00:19.320 --> 00:00:23.120 kind of worship for a viricialistic messy sprawling. We built 8 00:00:23.120 --> 00:00:25.760 the scaffolding of our lives in those hours, sketching and 9 00:00:25.800 --> 00:00:27.719 bantering late into the night with the friends who were 10 00:00:27.719 --> 00:00:30.640 the closest thing we had to an extended family. It 11 00:00:30.679 --> 00:00:32.840 was past ten now, the city outside a patchwork of 12 00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:35.280 headlights and breaking sirens. But tonight the room fell for 13 00:00:35.399 --> 00:00:38.640 near thin. I closed my laptop, flexing my tingling fingers, 14 00:00:38.679 --> 00:00:41.920 another mock up finish. At least around me, the apartment 15 00:00:42.000 --> 00:00:44.600 was quieter than usual. Sophie had left early, Amy had 16 00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:46.880 bowed up for a deadline, and Nolin was skyping in 17 00:00:46.960 --> 00:00:49.840 his voice flickering on my phone reduced to laughter and static. 18 00:00:50.479 --> 00:00:53.119 I glanced down the hallway, anticipating the familiar clicked the 19 00:00:53.159 --> 00:00:55.960 study door, squeaking lee emerging in her pin stained sweatshirt, 20 00:00:55.960 --> 00:00:59.200 hair piled up, bright eyed, ready for another round. She 21 00:00:59.320 --> 00:01:01.600 always joined, even if she claimed she just wanted to 22 00:01:01.679 --> 00:01:04.599 listen from the sidelines. Her presence was a current. The 23 00:01:04.640 --> 00:01:07.120 group came alive when she was there, but tonight the 24 00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:11.040 dos stay closed. I teard fragments of muffled conversation inside, 25 00:01:11.120 --> 00:01:13.040 headphones off one ears so I could catch if she 26 00:01:13.120 --> 00:01:15.799 needed me. For the last hour, the only sign of 27 00:01:15.840 --> 00:01:17.920 life was the occasional deep sih the hum of Lee's 28 00:01:17.959 --> 00:01:21.439 computer fans. Then abruptly, there was a soft scuff beneath 29 00:01:21.439 --> 00:01:23.879 the door. I found a folded note on the parquet, 30 00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:27.519 her handwriting quick and vertical, barely content, impatience, working late, 31 00:01:27.640 --> 00:01:31.480 don't wait up. My chest tightened. It wasn't unusual for 32 00:01:31.560 --> 00:01:33.840 Lee to one space when she was deep into a project, 33 00:01:33.840 --> 00:01:35.799 to have it from the start of our relationship, when 34 00:01:35.840 --> 00:01:38.079 we'd both spent half our lives in studios or open 35 00:01:38.079 --> 00:01:40.560 plan architect offices, but she had always managed to balance 36 00:01:40.599 --> 00:01:43.200 it with our rituals. I held the note in my palm, 37 00:01:43.319 --> 00:01:46.120 feeling the weight of it, the sweet, smelly ink from 38 00:01:46.159 --> 00:01:49.159 somewhere inside. I heard her voice, low, persuasive, forded with 39 00:01:49.200 --> 00:01:51.840 the glimmer I associated with client meetings or crits at work. 40 00:01:52.480 --> 00:01:55.280 Then another quieter, a male laugh, deep and familiar with 41 00:01:55.280 --> 00:01:58.599 sliding through the door. Lee's voice brightened, then muffled again, 42 00:01:58.799 --> 00:02:01.879 followed by rustling. Move for a moment, I have her 43 00:02:01.920 --> 00:02:05.319 there indecisive. I could knock play the casual husband, or 44 00:02:05.400 --> 00:02:08.800 just respect a barricade instead. I may te cleaned the 45 00:02:08.800 --> 00:02:11.400 wine glasses, kept glancing down the corridor, like a sailor 46 00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:14.159 who knows there's a storm swelling just past few I 47 00:02:14.199 --> 00:02:16.680 heard liesay, one more revision before the next phase is 48 00:02:16.680 --> 00:02:19.240 something about a project's scope. Then a sharp exchange, only 49 00:02:19.280 --> 00:02:21.879 partly friendly. Her laughter was clipped half way between pleasure 50 00:02:21.919 --> 00:02:24.919 and restraint. By the time her call ended, the apartment 51 00:02:24.960 --> 00:02:28.759 had dull to silence. She didn't come out. I checked 52 00:02:28.759 --> 00:02:31.360 the time, feeling the awkwardness, settle in empty rooms and 53 00:02:31.439 --> 00:02:34.360 touched snacks, the faint scand of tourpentine floating from the study. 54 00:02:34.960 --> 00:02:36.879 It was like a performance had ended, but the casts 55 00:02:36.919 --> 00:02:39.879 refused the curtain call. I told myself this was nothing, 56 00:02:39.879 --> 00:02:42.199 a dead line, but burst of inspiration, maybe just a 57 00:02:42.280 --> 00:02:45.280 need to marinate in her own thoughts. Still sitting on 58 00:02:45.319 --> 00:02:47.319 the edge of our made bed. The little note twisted 59 00:02:47.319 --> 00:02:49.520 in my fingers. I realized the quiet in our apartment 60 00:02:49.599 --> 00:02:52.280 was not quite the peaceful create a solitude we'd always prize. 61 00:02:52.719 --> 00:02:54.560 That was Leo Bonn, architect in the way some people 62 00:02:54.560 --> 00:02:56.759 are born with the second tower, always drawing out lines 63 00:02:56.759 --> 00:03:01.120 around spaces, building interiors for possibility. I trusted her walls 64 00:03:01.120 --> 00:03:02.919 even before I knew her, trusted that the lion she 65 00:03:03.000 --> 00:03:05.159 drew around our life abroad enough for both of us. 66 00:03:05.879 --> 00:03:07.759 So I tried to believe it was just another night, 67 00:03:07.960 --> 00:03:11.080 another quirk in our shared language. I went to bed alone, 68 00:03:11.159 --> 00:03:14.240 listening for her footsteps, caught in an uneasy pause, waiting 69 00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:16.000 for her to return to the life we made together. 70 00:03:16.680 --> 00:03:19.319 Mourning in our apartment was a joint choreography, even in 71 00:03:19.400 --> 00:03:22.479 perious where one of us was distracted or moody. Fridays 72 00:03:22.479 --> 00:03:25.080 had their own bright ritual. Lee up first, slipper, scuffing 73 00:03:25.080 --> 00:03:26.919 on the tile, humming some half remember tune. As she 74 00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:29.479 ground the coffee. I wandered in just as the pots 75 00:03:29.479 --> 00:03:32.800 started sputtering, and she gave me her side whizkrin eyebrows raise, 76 00:03:33.080 --> 00:03:36.439 usually saying another late one. She poured my muc halfe 77 00:03:36.439 --> 00:03:38.560 full neew I hated it scolding, preferred to top it 78 00:03:38.639 --> 00:03:42.120 up as it could sometimes with swatsips, compared notes on 79 00:03:42.120 --> 00:03:44.800 our sketch books, or started arguing about lime weights or 80 00:03:44.800 --> 00:03:47.879 perspective before the caffeine hit. Lee liked her toast burned. 81 00:03:47.919 --> 00:03:50.039 I'd scrape a layer off for her call at charcoal, 82 00:03:50.120 --> 00:03:53.039 and that became a running joke. The real architectures happening 83 00:03:53.039 --> 00:03:56.479 on the bread our ropora was never all sweetness. We 84 00:03:56.599 --> 00:03:59.439 thrived on challenge. We met at gallery opening for a 85 00:03:59.439 --> 00:04:01.960 local design collective in Bushwork. Had made some snide remark 86 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:04.879 about the shower of pretentious conceptual models, and she agreed, 87 00:04:04.879 --> 00:04:08.599 except her critique was sharper, funnier, less bitter. She sketched 88 00:04:08.599 --> 00:04:10.759 a faupen on a cocktail knakin that night our imagined 89 00:04:10.840 --> 00:04:13.879 viem studio full of irregular half walls open corners for 90 00:04:13.879 --> 00:04:16.920 communal critique. I kept that knapkin tucked into my bag 91 00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:18.959 until they ink faded, as sure a memento. As an 92 00:04:18.959 --> 00:04:21.680 engagement rain, we build our social sphere out of the 93 00:04:21.759 --> 00:04:25.920 sense of improvisation. Every few weeks we corralled Sophie Nollan 94 00:04:26.040 --> 00:04:28.600 and Amor fellow designers, some from our college days and 95 00:04:28.639 --> 00:04:32.439 others from studiocal oberations into our place. Sometimes we drew 96 00:04:32.480 --> 00:04:35.680 prompts from a hat, riffed on impossible architectural challenges. Design 97 00:04:35.680 --> 00:04:38.279 a building with no right angles, imagine a school vie'd 98 00:04:38.319 --> 00:04:41.160 actually want to tend. Launching ours long debates or absurd 99 00:04:41.160 --> 00:04:45.040 competitions Lee brought and performance artists should meet on site consults. 100 00:04:45.240 --> 00:04:49.040 I complimented our table with her Midwinespritzers. Those parties felt 101 00:04:49.079 --> 00:04:51.319 like presiding over a think tank and a family reunion 102 00:04:51.319 --> 00:04:54.040 At the same time. Even our neighbors dropped by the 103 00:04:54.079 --> 00:04:57.319 creative clotter seeping out into the holes. Not everything was 104 00:04:57.319 --> 00:04:59.920 bathed in success, but our careers had their own upward dark. 105 00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:03.480 Lee turned freelance two years ago, carving out a reputation 106 00:05:03.560 --> 00:05:06.920 for bold interiors in compact spaces. I stuck with my firm, 107 00:05:07.000 --> 00:05:11.360 inching toward project lead. Everyone felt reciprocal when Lee got 108 00:05:11.399 --> 00:05:13.920 her first solo commission and helped her source antique tiles 109 00:05:13.920 --> 00:05:16.759 for the lobby. When I landed my first public project, 110 00:05:16.839 --> 00:05:20.000 she designed to launch posters. We joked about going into 111 00:05:20.000 --> 00:05:22.519 business together once we'd both proven ourselves in a far 112 00:05:22.639 --> 00:05:25.120 escape plan if the industry calcified when New York got 113 00:05:25.120 --> 00:05:27.560 too cold. She was the first to talk to me 114 00:05:27.600 --> 00:05:30.120 about impost syndrome. How easy it was to drown in 115 00:05:30.160 --> 00:05:32.879 the noise of competitive studios, all the egos and above 116 00:05:32.920 --> 00:05:35.680 the full portfolio was floating around the city. I was 117 00:05:35.720 --> 00:05:37.800 always the confident one, or so she claimed. But it 118 00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:39.360 was only with her that I admitted to feeling out 119 00:05:39.360 --> 00:05:42.759 class sometimes too. Our favorite way to end arguments about 120 00:05:42.759 --> 00:05:45.319 whose idea should dominate was to promise half interest half, 121 00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:46.680 not that we'd put it to a vote at the 122 00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:49.519 next dinner party. There had always been times when Lee 123 00:05:49.560 --> 00:05:52.160 retreated and needed solitude, a walk alone at dusk and 124 00:05:52.199 --> 00:05:54.360 now by herself after hanging the friends, But it was 125 00:05:54.399 --> 00:05:57.600 never more than a pause, And even in those quiet spells, 126 00:05:57.600 --> 00:06:00.759 she always re emerged, energetic, affectionate, eager to show what 127 00:06:00.800 --> 00:06:03.439 she'd come up with during her solo bouts. It wasn't 128 00:06:03.480 --> 00:06:06.000 the need for space that rattled Minaw. It was the 129 00:06:06.040 --> 00:06:08.399 sense that this time she'd built a barricade instead of 130 00:06:08.480 --> 00:06:10.959 just a little breathing room. It started as a flicker 131 00:06:10.959 --> 00:06:13.040 at the edges, like a draft through window seals you 132 00:06:13.120 --> 00:06:17.120 thought were tight. For weeks Lee declined every spontaneous happy hour, 133 00:06:17.199 --> 00:06:21.439 every after party following our friend group's Thursday brainstorm straightforward enough. 134 00:06:21.480 --> 00:06:23.600 At first, she'd mutters something about needing to revere a 135 00:06:23.600 --> 00:06:26.120 project proposal or prepping for a consult would aim empty, 136 00:06:26.680 --> 00:06:29.079 but she had never complained about the post works worn before. 137 00:06:29.720 --> 00:06:32.399 In fact, she was usually the one texting reminders, rallying 138 00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:34.000 us all when the rest of us wanted to stay 139 00:06:34.000 --> 00:06:36.839 home or doom scroll. So when she started dropping out 140 00:06:36.839 --> 00:06:40.519 with increasing frequency, I noticed one evening a friend text 141 00:06:40.519 --> 00:06:43.839 stood see both that jasindis show Friday. I assumed we'd 142 00:06:43.879 --> 00:06:47.439 go together like always, and related over dinner. Leelock puzzled 143 00:06:47.439 --> 00:06:49.560 for a beat, then said I'd planned to work that night. 144 00:06:49.600 --> 00:06:53.560 I have a mentorship call. Her eyes flickered away. Mentorship. 145 00:06:54.160 --> 00:06:57.079 We'd both grown friendly with a few older architects at events, 146 00:06:57.279 --> 00:07:00.000 but she hadn't mentioned anyone new, at least not in detail. 147 00:07:00.839 --> 00:07:03.319 I pope for a name. She shrugged, muttering, just a 148 00:07:03.439 --> 00:07:05.920 visiting designer, Adam from the Uquet invited to lead a 149 00:07:05.920 --> 00:07:08.680 critique at my firm. It was an offhand reference, like 150 00:07:08.720 --> 00:07:11.079 I should have known. It occurred to me how little 151 00:07:11.079 --> 00:07:13.600 she had said about her latest project. Normally, she broadcast 152 00:07:13.639 --> 00:07:16.800 every tiny window set back. She spent more evens holding 153 00:07:16.839 --> 00:07:19.560 her Moleskine's Sketch book, head bent, shoulders tents, as if 154 00:07:19.680 --> 00:07:22.560 keeping herself tucked in smaller shape. When I asked if 155 00:07:22.600 --> 00:07:25.360 I could see her progress, she hesitated, saying it's not 156 00:07:25.399 --> 00:07:28.639 ready yet. Little things began to stack up. She'd mentioned 157 00:07:28.639 --> 00:07:30.600 the team meeting and return with her Nopa Kington, a 158 00:07:30.600 --> 00:07:34.120 different looping handwriting not hers, not mine, not any one 159 00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:36.720 I recognized from our friend group, she shrug If I 160 00:07:36.720 --> 00:07:39.600 asked we were rapid prototyping. Adam likes to scribble over 161 00:07:39.639 --> 00:07:43.319 everyone's I tried not to be that husband, a jealous, intrusive, 162 00:07:43.399 --> 00:07:46.360 the type who wants every detailed cataloged. But something in 163 00:07:46.360 --> 00:07:49.360 the lightness of her explanations made me watchful. I caught 164 00:07:49.360 --> 00:07:51.560 myself on the subway, or idling in a coffee shop, 165 00:07:51.759 --> 00:07:53.920 or winding moments, considering if this was all just a 166 00:07:53.959 --> 00:07:56.000 busy season, or if I'd overlook Lee changing in some 167 00:07:56.120 --> 00:07:59.040 essential way. I was proud of our partnership, her genuine, 168 00:07:59.079 --> 00:08:02.319 creative rivoy, though way. We didn't fancy each other in lately, 169 00:08:02.360 --> 00:08:04.560 that open competition had an edge to it. Instead, of 170 00:08:04.600 --> 00:08:07.879 iron sharpening, iron oar Critque sessions sometimes devolved into abrupt 171 00:08:07.879 --> 00:08:10.800 silences or netpicking. I wondered if this was simply the 172 00:08:10.800 --> 00:08:13.439 cost of too fiercely independent people orbit in the same dream. 173 00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:16.240 Maybe she was tired of being mad and lee and 174 00:08:16.319 --> 00:08:19.279 maybe she needed solitary to chart her own course. I 175 00:08:19.399 --> 00:08:23.079 try really to accept it. After all, I'd always admired 176 00:08:23.079 --> 00:08:26.720 her self sufficiency, her unwillingness to be acclaimed. I blamed 177 00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:29.560 myself a thousand times over for maybe crowding her own ways. 178 00:08:29.560 --> 00:08:32.559 I couldn't see that first spock of doubt wasn't jealousy. 179 00:08:33.159 --> 00:08:35.080 It was self approached, the sense that she was breaking 180 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:38.279 away and had nudged her toward it. One May, drifting 181 00:08:38.279 --> 00:08:39.960 to sleep with her back to me, Lie muttered that 182 00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:42.559 she'd be late the next few nights. She had off 183 00:08:42.559 --> 00:08:45.639 site consults for her mentorship project, tight deadlines, most of 184 00:08:45.639 --> 00:08:47.960 it hands on. Her phone lit up with a text 185 00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:50.080 for May before she could stuff it back in her pocket. 186 00:08:50.639 --> 00:08:55.000 I pretended not to notice. Adam probably, I asked casual. 187 00:08:55.639 --> 00:08:58.360 She said, yeah, he schedules everything in frantic bursts. I 188 00:08:58.399 --> 00:09:00.679 think he's half awake on London time, then rolled over 189 00:09:00.840 --> 00:09:03.519 head half under her pillow. I woke again when she 190 00:09:03.559 --> 00:09:06.759 came in near midnight, smelling of whisky agolt. Lee rarely 191 00:09:06.799 --> 00:09:09.080 drank more than a splash of wine and almost never 192 00:09:09.120 --> 00:09:12.559 came home after midnight from anything labeled work. She peeled 193 00:09:12.559 --> 00:09:14.679 off her coat as glassy but wired, said only that 194 00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:16.559 the team had gone to drinks after their sight walk 195 00:09:16.559 --> 00:09:20.039 out Saturday. I found her passed out in study, her 196 00:09:20.039 --> 00:09:22.720 phone face down on the desk, an empty notebook beside it. 197 00:09:23.360 --> 00:09:25.720 I tied it up, discovering a hotel branded pen with 198 00:09:25.759 --> 00:09:27.240 the name of the place. She said was just for 199 00:09:27.360 --> 00:09:30.200 drinks with the team. No big deal, I told myself. 200 00:09:30.360 --> 00:09:34.120 Hotels are neutral ground for pop up events, lectures, industry mixers, 201 00:09:34.559 --> 00:09:37.440 steel Half the puzzle pieces didn't fit. When I checked 202 00:09:37.440 --> 00:09:40.200 our shared geigle calendar, I noticed certain blocks labeled just 203 00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:42.879 private in her color and new habit. Lee, who once 204 00:09:42.919 --> 00:09:46.519 meticulously documented every braintstorm, suddenly wandered a wall for herself. 205 00:09:47.120 --> 00:09:49.639 Sophie pulled me aside during a group dinner, voice, low, 206 00:09:49.759 --> 00:09:52.120 as everything okay with you two, Lee's been distant. She 207 00:09:52.159 --> 00:09:54.080 blew off our studio gathering for the third week in 208 00:09:54.120 --> 00:09:56.679 a row. I didn't know what to say, defend Lee 209 00:09:56.679 --> 00:09:59.039 in risk seeming naive, or confide in Sophie. Before I 210 00:09:59.120 --> 00:10:02.039 understood whether I was just being possessive, I brushed it 211 00:10:02.080 --> 00:10:06.000 off as a rough patch Berna. Really, she's under a 212 00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:08.639 lot of pressure, and this mentor is apparently a task muster. 213 00:10:09.360 --> 00:10:12.559 Sophie nodded, but looked and convinced. Her glance lingered a 214 00:10:12.559 --> 00:10:15.759 few seconds too long. The creative friction between us flared. 215 00:10:16.480 --> 00:10:18.320 Lee tore into my idea for our small office, her 216 00:10:18.360 --> 00:10:21.519 model too derivative, too safe. I shot back about her 217 00:10:21.519 --> 00:10:25.120 new floating stackcase proposal looks more like enginey of chaos 218 00:10:25.120 --> 00:10:29.080 and sculpture. How quickly critique turned to criticism, ambiguous and brittle, 219 00:10:29.200 --> 00:10:32.879 nothing like our old jousts. Then, on a lop sided Tuesday, 220 00:10:32.919 --> 00:10:36.000 the financial evidence seemed to emerge from nowhere. I was 221 00:10:36.039 --> 00:10:38.399 paying off last month's credit card balance when I saw it. 222 00:10:38.440 --> 00:10:40.120 I have to charge at a btque hotel the same 223 00:10:40.200 --> 00:10:43.120 name as the Penn one night last week. The note 224 00:10:43.159 --> 00:10:46.039 read will be bar team dinner. When Lee had described 225 00:10:46.039 --> 00:10:49.000 the night it was just drinks. She hadn't mentioned dinner 226 00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:51.559 or that it was this exclusive when I asked about 227 00:10:51.559 --> 00:10:54.399 it over Ramen she waved it off. Everyone was there, 228 00:10:54.519 --> 00:10:58.240 she said, not meeting my eyes. Adamal like's expensive places 229 00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:01.159 makes us all feel like impossles. Just lobby drinks, I promise. 230 00:11:01.720 --> 00:11:03.799 But all it took was one picture on Sophie's feed 231 00:11:03.879 --> 00:11:06.919 group short lead nowhere to be seen. Another post tagged 232 00:11:06.919 --> 00:11:09.360 at the same hotel two days later, just Adam his 233 00:11:09.480 --> 00:11:11.799 arm around a woman with Lee's. He could angle too wide, light, 234 00:11:11.840 --> 00:11:15.480 too low, vase turned away. I brushed it off. It 235 00:11:15.559 --> 00:11:18.799 couldn't have been her, but the idea is duck. I 236 00:11:18.840 --> 00:11:21.440 wanted to trust her. Wasn't that the whole point? We'd 237 00:11:21.440 --> 00:11:24.799 agree years ago that jealousy was the lowest form of creativity, 238 00:11:24.840 --> 00:11:27.799 that partnership meant letting the other person breathe. At the 239 00:11:27.840 --> 00:11:30.639 same time, I realized I hadn't brewed easy in weeks. 240 00:11:31.360 --> 00:11:34.159 By the second month, the air inside the department felt denser. 241 00:11:34.240 --> 00:11:37.080 The silence is heavier. I picked up Lee's breakfast mud 242 00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:39.519 more than once, only to realize she'd left early again. 243 00:11:40.200 --> 00:11:42.200 When she did come home, there were always phone calls 244 00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:44.840 to answer project documents she had to review for Adam. 245 00:11:44.960 --> 00:11:48.120 Slack pings, the litany of invisible obligations that separate people 246 00:11:48.120 --> 00:11:51.279 living side by side. I tried to reclaim something of us. 247 00:11:51.919 --> 00:11:53.840 Suggested we take a week end out of the city. 248 00:11:53.919 --> 00:11:56.720 Just one night, no email, no work. I didn't even 249 00:11:56.759 --> 00:11:58.440 wait for the right mood to propose it, blurting it 250 00:11:58.480 --> 00:12:01.120 at breakfast while she scanned her phone. Lee looked at 251 00:12:01.120 --> 00:12:02.799 me like I had asked her to drop a contract. 252 00:12:03.440 --> 00:12:06.279 I can't, Matt, she sighed, I have a huge milestone 253 00:12:06.279 --> 00:12:08.200 on Monday. Adam is coming to the Sight. I'll be 254 00:12:08.279 --> 00:12:11.080 running lead with him on the client walk through. I pushed, 255 00:12:11.879 --> 00:12:13.759 just Friday night, we could be back by noon. You 256 00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:16.679 need a break. I tried to hide deaju in my voice. 257 00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:20.000 She relented with condition she bring her laptop catch up 258 00:12:20.000 --> 00:12:22.519 on work. While I read on the train up state. 259 00:12:22.639 --> 00:12:25.360 She was tense, scrolling emils, muttering about sight visits and 260 00:12:25.360 --> 00:12:29.120 project models. Gradually, somewhere between the first glass of wine 261 00:12:29.120 --> 00:12:31.360 and the fire, but outside the inn, her postures softened. 262 00:12:31.879 --> 00:12:34.120 We laughed at the way we'd argued about concrete versus. 263 00:12:34.200 --> 00:12:37.279 Timber told the story again of our first disastrous kitchen remodel. 264 00:12:37.320 --> 00:12:40.399 Throughout half remembered lines from our dinner parties. For the 265 00:12:40.440 --> 00:12:43.240 first time in weeks, it felt natural again. We ended 266 00:12:43.320 --> 00:12:45.840 up sprawled on our bed, daylight fading, hands tangled in 267 00:12:45.879 --> 00:12:49.360 sheets and sketchbook pages. Lee talked about her project's pressure, 268 00:12:49.480 --> 00:12:52.039 how she felt like she was drowning in expectations. Adam 269 00:12:52.080 --> 00:12:53.960 expected her to hit a level she wasn't sure she 270 00:12:54.000 --> 00:12:57.120 could reach. He connects me with the sense of possibility, 271 00:12:57.279 --> 00:13:00.399 she said. Sometimes I feel like I'm just mi mick talent. 272 00:13:00.440 --> 00:13:02.679 I'm waiting for someone to notice with you. It's diffin. 273 00:13:02.799 --> 00:13:04.360 I don't have to pretend to know more than I do. 274 00:13:04.960 --> 00:13:07.200 We lay in silence, our fingers tracing the circles on 275 00:13:07.240 --> 00:13:11.039 my spine. I believed her. I blamed myself for my doubts, 276 00:13:11.039 --> 00:13:13.240 for failing to reassure her before she started looking as 277 00:13:13.279 --> 00:13:16.840 worth for confidence. That night, while she stepped outside for air, 278 00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:18.519 her phone let up on the side table, a string 279 00:13:18.559 --> 00:13:20.639 of text from Adam running behind. Tried to finish the 280 00:13:20.639 --> 00:13:23.720 sketches to night if you can, Lee returned, coolly, closed 281 00:13:23.720 --> 00:13:26.320 her phone, pressed her cheek to mine. I let the 282 00:13:26.360 --> 00:13:29.519 moment go, swallowed the spike of old uncertainty. Back in 283 00:13:29.559 --> 00:13:32.279 the apartment, things felt easier, lighter, as if the shadow 284 00:13:32.360 --> 00:13:35.279 had shifted or burned itself out. We joked over breakfast 285 00:13:35.279 --> 00:13:37.440 about which of our friends would sabotage our studio if 286 00:13:37.440 --> 00:13:39.559 we ever went into business together, drew up budgets for 287 00:13:39.559 --> 00:13:42.559 imaginary projects, debated whether to let Ama design the lighting 288 00:13:42.559 --> 00:13:45.200 ill blind our clients with his Hippi trucksad you know that, 289 00:13:45.399 --> 00:13:48.759 Lee Crow? But then three days after our trip, Sophie 290 00:13:48.759 --> 00:13:51.279 caught me at work. I stepped out to the balcony, 291 00:13:51.440 --> 00:13:55.279 phone clutched to my ear. She hesitated, Matt, I know 292 00:13:55.360 --> 00:13:57.320 we don't hang out much, just the two of us, 293 00:13:57.399 --> 00:13:59.759 but can I say something? I told her to spit 294 00:13:59.759 --> 00:14:02.200 it out up. I saw Lee at dinner last night 295 00:14:02.240 --> 00:14:05.399 at Barlemiere. She was with Adam. It was they looked close, 296 00:14:05.559 --> 00:14:09.559 not exactly professional. My stomach went hollow. Were you sure 297 00:14:10.240 --> 00:14:13.480 I managed it was her map? I saw them hugging 298 00:14:13.519 --> 00:14:15.440 good bye. She looked sad. I didn't know if I 299 00:14:15.480 --> 00:14:17.440 should say anything, but I thought you'd want to know. 300 00:14:18.080 --> 00:14:20.480 I hung up, staring at the city skyline, the diner 301 00:14:20.519 --> 00:14:23.919 ownings below it like stage sets. I tried to remember 302 00:14:23.960 --> 00:14:25.960 if bar Lemire was the place Lisa ede she'd meet 303 00:14:25.960 --> 00:14:27.679 the design team that night, or if it had been 304 00:14:27.679 --> 00:14:30.639 something else. When she got home, she said she gone 305 00:14:30.679 --> 00:14:33.720 for after work drinks with every one. Her voice was level, 306 00:14:33.879 --> 00:14:36.960 not defensive. I didn't confront how. I just nodded, smile, 307 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:38.879 to try to accept her at her word. Even as 308 00:14:38.879 --> 00:14:41.960 my mind ran circles, it became harder to ignore the 309 00:14:42.000 --> 00:14:45.799 eddas of secrecy swelling around Lee. She was simultaneously more 310 00:14:45.799 --> 00:14:49.360 guarded and more absent minded. Once I noticed she brought 311 00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:51.559 home a new sketch of croft, black cover, different from 312 00:14:51.559 --> 00:14:54.720 her usual Moleskins. When she left it open on the table, 313 00:14:54.759 --> 00:14:57.159 I caught a glimpse of sprawling diagrams, notes and two 314 00:14:57.200 --> 00:14:59.879 hands hers, and some one else's initial say as scout 315 00:15:00.159 --> 00:15:03.320 to drafts. Some pages had snippets like a lobby vision 316 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:06.720 cove glass, Adam feedback, consider Shoper edges. I closed the 317 00:15:06.720 --> 00:15:09.840 book quickly, gilt raining in my ears. Were seats started 318 00:15:09.879 --> 00:15:13.159 accumulating mid un restaurant we'd never visited together, a reservation 319 00:15:13.240 --> 00:15:15.399 slipped for bar that didn't show up in our shared history. 320 00:15:15.960 --> 00:15:18.879 Lee always had a quick explanation late night brainstorms, Adam's 321 00:15:18.960 --> 00:15:22.840 treat perks of working with visiting designers. I nodded, believing 322 00:15:22.840 --> 00:15:25.440 most of it, but hearing less conviction in both our voices. 323 00:15:26.080 --> 00:15:28.480 There was one night after a gallery opening. The whole 324 00:15:28.519 --> 00:15:30.840 game went out for pizza, but least stay behind, saying 325 00:15:30.919 --> 00:15:33.679 she had to wrap up details with Adam. I noticed 326 00:15:33.720 --> 00:15:36.159 Adam standing too close and apprecio huddle, one hand on 327 00:15:36.240 --> 00:15:38.200 Lee's shoulder, the two of them laughing, eyes only on 328 00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:41.519 each other. Her body language was new, tense but luminous, 329 00:15:41.559 --> 00:15:43.639 as if she was weightless around him, trying harder to 330 00:15:43.639 --> 00:15:47.200 restrain her reactions. At home, she'd sometimes stare at her phone, 331 00:15:47.320 --> 00:15:50.919 chewing her lip, texting furiously. She'd excuse herself for a 332 00:15:50.960 --> 00:15:54.279 call about gallery logistics. Once I heard snatches of her 333 00:15:54.360 --> 00:15:56.799 voice behind the study door. I know I miss you too. 334 00:15:56.919 --> 00:15:58.559 I just need to get through this one last thing. 335 00:15:59.080 --> 00:16:02.200 She ended with an alms most inaudible. It'll be over soon, promise. 336 00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:05.799 The words twisted in my chest. I half wanted to 337 00:16:05.799 --> 00:16:08.879 burst in demand the truth. Instead, I paced the living room, 338 00:16:08.960 --> 00:16:11.440 viscld in my pockets, staring out at the yellow street 339 00:16:11.519 --> 00:16:14.080 light pulling on Avenue below. I needed to know if 340 00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:16.440 my induition was leading me astraywer if after all our 341 00:16:16.440 --> 00:16:19.320 boast about creative independence, we drifted too far for the 342 00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:22.120 lines between us to hold. I reach out to Sophie, 343 00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:25.840 She answered on the first ring, quite this time subdued. Matt, 344 00:16:26.039 --> 00:16:28.000 it's not just the dinner. I've seen them together a 345 00:16:28.000 --> 00:16:31.559 few times, she said. It never looked explicitly romantic, but 346 00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:34.320 there was definitely something. It's not just mentorship, if that's 347 00:16:34.360 --> 00:16:37.480 what Lee told you. Nolin, who'd always played the diplomat 348 00:16:37.519 --> 00:16:39.799 in our circle, finally agreed to meet me for coffee. 349 00:16:40.320 --> 00:16:44.679 His tone was hesitant, apologetic. Look, Matt, I've had rumors 350 00:16:44.720 --> 00:16:47.080 to Adam gets around. He has a reputation for getting 351 00:16:47.080 --> 00:16:49.039 too close to Menti's but nobody wants to get in 352 00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:52.519 the middle. He shook his head. Sympathy and discomfort mingled. 353 00:16:53.120 --> 00:16:56.440 I wanted to be wrong, Honestly, Each nu datum landed 354 00:16:56.480 --> 00:16:57.799 like a stone in m I got never there of 355 00:16:57.840 --> 00:17:00.000 fright proof, but clusters a fact that pointed in uns 356 00:17:00.039 --> 00:17:02.759 only one direction. I wanted to believe Lee, to give 357 00:17:02.799 --> 00:17:05.000 her the benefit of every doubt, but I was running 358 00:17:05.000 --> 00:17:09.359 out of plausible explanations. Our arguments became more frequent. I 359 00:17:09.400 --> 00:17:13.480 started snapping at small things, dirty dishes, lost laundry, forgotten appointments. 360 00:17:14.119 --> 00:17:16.799 Lee responded in kind, raising her voice, accusing me of 361 00:17:16.839 --> 00:17:19.079 trying to snoop in her business, guilt tripping her for 362 00:17:19.119 --> 00:17:21.880 taking her career seriously? Am I not allowed to have 363 00:17:21.920 --> 00:17:24.599 a separate life? Not everything as to be mutual, Matt, 364 00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:28.880 she shouted after one sharp exchange. Ordinarily I have argued back, 365 00:17:28.960 --> 00:17:31.000 but something in her tone, the tremor in her jaw, 366 00:17:31.119 --> 00:17:34.279 made me stammer and full silent. I tried to talk 367 00:17:34.319 --> 00:17:37.119 to Ammer, our unofficial mediator, but he claimed ignorance, said 368 00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:39.839 only that relationships go through rocky periods and that Lee's 369 00:17:39.880 --> 00:17:42.480 always needed more space than most people give her. I 370 00:17:42.519 --> 00:17:44.759 wondered if that meant she was gone already and none 371 00:17:44.759 --> 00:17:47.799 of us had noticed. At our friend groups next dinner, 372 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:50.759 the left early, under the pretext of an editor a deadline. 373 00:17:51.119 --> 00:17:54.160 Adam also invited, lingered as I was following her eggs. 374 00:17:54.640 --> 00:17:57.000 I caught him later alone on the terrors. Fontier's ear 375 00:17:57.119 --> 00:17:59.960 voiced too low for me to catch details, but unmistakably familiar. 376 00:18:00.480 --> 00:18:02.519 When he rejoined the group, he acted as if nothing 377 00:18:02.519 --> 00:18:05.160 could be more normal, chatty, full of designed gossip, spinning 378 00:18:05.160 --> 00:18:07.440 stories about global architecture trends, as if he was the 379 00:18:07.480 --> 00:18:10.519 only authority in the room. Later that week, Lee attended 380 00:18:10.519 --> 00:18:13.680 another team dinner for Adam's project. I watched her as 381 00:18:13.720 --> 00:18:16.240 she got ready, more carefully than usual, Lipstick applied with 382 00:18:16.240 --> 00:18:18.759 the precision of a not as sharpening a pencil. It's 383 00:18:18.839 --> 00:18:22.440 just business, she repeated. That night, unable to sleep, I 384 00:18:22.519 --> 00:18:24.720 checked her work bag, my hands trembling with a combination 385 00:18:24.759 --> 00:18:28.200 of fear and self disgust. Inside I found nothing unusual 386 00:18:28.240 --> 00:18:32.440 at first, just receipts, pens, two glasses, cases, her battered headhones, 387 00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:35.119 but nestled under a notebook. I saw a slip for 388 00:18:35.119 --> 00:18:37.640 dinner at the exclusive French spot Adam was known to favor. 389 00:18:38.359 --> 00:18:40.359 Not a team dinner, not the kind of place one 390 00:18:40.400 --> 00:18:43.440 went for a quick after work bite. My suspicions sharpened. 391 00:18:44.119 --> 00:18:47.599 I caught myself staring into the bathroom mirrorpaler thinner, shadowed eyes. 392 00:18:48.359 --> 00:18:51.720 Was I simply jealous? Was this all projection? Me measuring 393 00:18:51.759 --> 00:18:55.079 the shape of our relationship against some imagined betrayal. Desperate 394 00:18:55.079 --> 00:18:57.200 for clardy, I waited up for Lee. The next night, 395 00:18:57.920 --> 00:19:00.599 she came home after eleven, flush her hair and bound 396 00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:03.400 the scent of cologne on her scarf. I asked, bluntly, 397 00:19:03.480 --> 00:19:06.240 are you and Adam? She stopped as wide caught off 398 00:19:06.279 --> 00:19:09.119 goff for the first time. No, Matt, I told you, 399 00:19:09.160 --> 00:19:12.319 it's just work. The liehon heavy and strange between us. 400 00:19:13.000 --> 00:19:15.240 We slept back to back, the bed and unbridgeable gulf. 401 00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:17.880