Speaker 1: This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty The Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wall
Speaker 1: Show on KFI A six forty Live everywhere on the
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio app. High Producer Kayla, how are you wonderful, Doctor Wendy?
Speaker 1: How are you good to see you?
Speaker 2: Well?
Speaker 1: On tonight's show, We've got I'm going to be answering
Speaker 1: your social media questions. We also have a real estate lawyer.
Speaker 1: Now you're going to think like a real estate lawyer
Speaker 1: is going to talk about relationships. Yeah, well, there's one
Speaker 1: certain real estate mistake that couples make that can literally
Speaker 1: lead to divorce or maybe even financial ruins. So she
Speaker 1: feels in some ways like she's a marriage therapist. She's
Speaker 1: going to talk about it. Also, if you remember the
Speaker 1: taxi cab theory from Sex in the City, I'm going
Speaker 1: to tell you why it's real, it still exists, and
Speaker 1: how you can use it to find better love. But first,
Speaker 1: if you're new to my show, I have a PhD
Speaker 1: in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist.
Speaker 1: But I've written three books on relationships because I am
Speaker 1: obsessed with the science of love, and I got married
Speaker 1: after being a single mom for twenty years. I got
Speaker 1: married this past summer. Now, my sweet Julio and I
Speaker 1: have been together four and a half years, but we
Speaker 1: do a lot of talking about nothing. One of the
Speaker 1: things I like about the only thing I like about
Speaker 1: Los Angeles traffic are excellent cell phones with Bluetooth, of course,
Speaker 1: hand free. Hands free because from the moment I get
Speaker 1: in my car until the moment I get to my destination,
Speaker 1: I'm usually talking to somebody. Maybe you do the same
Speaker 1: thing too, and sometimes we're talking about nothing. Turns out
Speaker 1: research says that talking about nothing is one of the
Speaker 1: best things you can do for any relationship. So here's
Speaker 1: a couple ways I use it. So. I have a
Speaker 1: best friend. She and I often have a morning call
Speaker 1: when we're going to work and we're both going to
Speaker 1: different directions on the freeway and we just literally, I mean,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to think how an hour on the freeway
Speaker 1: is feel like, what are these gripping topics these headlines,
Speaker 1: And it's usually something like what new moisturizer someone has
Speaker 1: found and how to lock the door better, and where
Speaker 1: the dog needs to go during the day, and what
Speaker 1: the traffic's looking like. In this way, I mean we're
Speaker 1: talking about nothing. We just keep talking about nothing. Also,
Speaker 1: because I have a new mother in law, I'm getting
Speaker 1: to know her by my traffic talking about nothing. Sometimes
Speaker 1: I'll call and we will just chat and chat. And
Speaker 1: she's a talker, I'm a talker. We're really lucky that
Speaker 1: way that we're both extroverts. Kayla. Sometimes I think that
Speaker 1: what we do on KFI is sort of talking about nothing.
Speaker 1: I mean, we give lots of information, but let's talk
Speaker 1: about what talking about thing actually does. It forms a relationship,
Speaker 1: It builds rapport, and we're building relationships with our listeners.
Speaker 1: You know the woman who hired me, Robin Bertalucci, the
Speaker 1: famous Robin Bertolucci, program director at KFI for more than
Speaker 1: twenty five years. I think she told me one time
Speaker 1: because I had come from television, and in television, you go, hello, everybody,
Speaker 1: welcome to our show. And on tonight's show, we've got right.
Speaker 1: She's like, oh, no, no, no, no. Radio's intimate. When people
Speaker 1: watch TV, they might be watching it with a group
Speaker 1: of people, but when people listen to radio, they're alone,
Speaker 1: they're in their cars, they're in their office, maybe the
Speaker 1: back office. All everyone else is out front. They got
Speaker 1: their radio going. Maybe they're home alone and they're talk
Speaker 1: radio is keeping them company. Robin said, keep it intimate,
Speaker 1: keep it real, and talk to one person who's sitting alone. Okay,
Speaker 1: if you're a stalker, I'm not talking to you. Okay, sorry,
Speaker 1: I'm just throwing a little comedy litt levity there somewhere.
Speaker 1: But if you think about it, you know, we blah
Speaker 1: blah blah about all kinds of things. Throw in some
Speaker 1: good information for you, but you feel connected.
Speaker 2: Right.
Speaker 1: Talking about nothing sometimes is everything. So research is showing
Speaker 1: that when people first start to date, they do a
Speaker 1: lot of talking about nothing. Remember the early stages of dating.
Speaker 1: You seem to talk for hours and hours and hours.
Speaker 1: There was always things to talk about because you had
Speaker 1: to get to know each other's past. You had to
Speaker 1: get to know of everything up to that point. Right
Speaker 1: in the early stages of courtship, couple spend an enormous
Speaker 1: amount of time getting to know each other. So the
Speaker 1: topics could be philosophical about their values, it could be
Speaker 1: sexy and romantic, it could be humorous, and flirting. It
Speaker 1: could be we just news of their childhood. Hopefully you're
Speaker 1: going to learn about somebody's childhood. But after a few years,
Speaker 1: after the kids are born, the partnership, the scheduling, the
Speaker 1: busyness of the relationship takes over, and suddenly you're not
Speaker 1: talking anymore. You're not talking about nothing, right, So psychologists
Speaker 1: would say that care free talk creates a feeling of playfulness, silliness,
Speaker 1: maybe outrageousness. One of the things that Julio and I
Speaker 1: do is we like to take long walks together. We're
Speaker 1: also people who are we're just naturally affectionate. So when
Speaker 1: we're walking, we're holding hands the whole time, so we're
Speaker 1: staying connected. Honestly, I've never been with a guy that
Speaker 1: we need to be touching each other all the time,
Speaker 1: and we're together, if we're watching TV, our legs are
Speaker 1: wrapped around each other. I think of every other relationship
Speaker 1: I had and we were sitting at opposite ends of
Speaker 1: the sofa. I was with all these avoidant people, and
Speaker 1: now I'm just with this warm, warm person. But we
Speaker 1: walk a lot and we're holding hands and there's no rule,
Speaker 1: like it's not like okay, when we go let's talk
Speaker 1: about this. Things come up. They come up based on
Speaker 1: what we happen to see. Look at that car. I've
Speaker 1: always wanted to drive that kind of car. Or look
Speaker 1: at that person, or oh my gosh, I said the
Speaker 1: other day, look at how the trees are losing their
Speaker 1: bark like a snake as they're growing wider. And he's like,
Speaker 1: that's what trees do. I go, yeah, you didn't know that.
Speaker 1: They don't just get wider and stretch out. They have
Speaker 1: to crack and lose their bark. And we were stopping
Speaker 1: and we were feeling a tree and he's like, I
Speaker 1: learned something every day from you, right, But it's just
Speaker 1: it's just talking about nothing. And sometimes well the other
Speaker 1: day we were walking and we ended up walking like
Speaker 1: three or four miles. We were just talking about nothing
Speaker 1: and walking and walking. So I encourage you to do
Speaker 1: it all right, set a time and place. Maybe it's
Speaker 1: a walk, Maybe it's just turning off the TV and
Speaker 1: sitting around and talking. Maybe it's at the dinner table
Speaker 1: and talk about anything or everything. No subject is off
Speaker 1: the table. And don't worry about what you're saying, don't
Speaker 1: get attached, don't worry about shame. Just let it happen,
Speaker 1: because this is the constant rapport building that we need
Speaker 1: all the time in our love lives, not just at
Speaker 1: the courtship phase. We're always growing and changing, and you're
Speaker 1: getting news about you know, they're not with you twenty
Speaker 1: four hours a day. When they're out of the office,
Speaker 1: you're going to get news. Just talk about nothing, all right,
Speaker 1: when we come back. There is something known as the
Speaker 1: taxi cab theory. I think the phrase was coined back
Speaker 1: in Sex and the City days. I believe it still exists,
Speaker 1: and it has to do with when men are ready
Speaker 1: to commit. I'll explain when I come back. You are
Speaker 1: listening to the Doctor Andy Wall Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six point forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor When Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Eddie Wall Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You
Speaker 1: ever gone out with someone and you had fairly good relationship,
Speaker 1: got a little bit rocky, you broke up, and you
Speaker 1: know what they said, I'm just not ready for a relationship.
Speaker 1: I think it's all too much. It's me, it's not you.
Speaker 1: I'm just not ready. And then your all heartbroken and
Speaker 1: realize that there's nothing you could have done because they
Speaker 1: just apparently weren't ready. And then a month later you
Speaker 1: find out they're engaged. Oh wow, that's amazing. When it happens,
Speaker 1: maybe it was about you, or maybe they did suddenly
Speaker 1: get ready, just not when you were with them. Look,
Speaker 1: this theory is sometimes called the taxi cab theory. And
Speaker 1: if you've ever been a fan of Sex and the City,
Speaker 1: you've probably heard the character Miranda break it down this
Speaker 1: way with a right edge. It's fate.
Speaker 3: It's not fate. His light is on, that's all what lights.
Speaker 1: Men are like calves.
Speaker 3: When they're available, their light goes on. They wake up
Speaker 3: one day and they decide they're ready to settle down,
Speaker 3: have babies, whatever, and they turn their light up. The
Speaker 3: next woman they pick up, Boom, that's the one they'll marry.
Speaker 3: It's not faith, it's dumb luck.
Speaker 1: It does sound very unromantic, this idea that when a
Speaker 1: man hits his state of readiness, he just turns on
Speaker 1: his light and whatever woman is around is the one
Speaker 1: he's going to sign up for and commit to. I
Speaker 1: have always called it the dugout theory, which is, you
Speaker 1: know when a bit, when a pitcher is hot, he
Speaker 1: will pitch to any batter up at bat. And so
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter if a guy has had great girlfriends
Speaker 1: in his past that he pines away for, it doesn't
Speaker 1: matter if he envisions amazing women in his future. When
Speaker 1: he hits that state of readiness, he pretty much takes
Speaker 1: whoever's up at bat. Now, the reason why this theory,
Speaker 1: which I believe is true, is so important for women
Speaker 1: to understand is because women are very different about finding
Speaker 1: a mate and falling in love. First of all, way
Speaker 1: too many people believe in the one or fate or
Speaker 1: a soulmate. And I just want to remind you that
Speaker 1: if you have good relationship skills, you will be more
Speaker 1: attractive to more people, and you'll be more attracted to
Speaker 1: more people. There'll be many ones, many soulmates, because you
Speaker 1: know how to do it right, you've got those good
Speaker 1: relationship skills. So but women, however, whether they believe in
Speaker 1: the one or the fate or whatever, when they meet
Speaker 1: someone who they're attracted to, who they envisioned could be
Speaker 1: a long term relationship, they will reorganize their entire life
Speaker 1: for him. They will change jobs, change cities, do change clothes,
Speaker 1: change hair, whatever they want for him. They won't make
Speaker 1: him fall in love them. You know what funny thing
Speaker 1: is the other night, Hulu and I were watching TV
Speaker 1: and he was you know how guys do with their
Speaker 1: remote control, going through all the channels really quick, and
Speaker 1: he goes, oh, here's the Bachelor. I've never seen the Bachelor.
Speaker 1: And I go, what they've only had like thirty two
Speaker 1: seasons or something. You've never seen an episode of the Bachelor.
Speaker 1: And he goes, no, no, no, let me turn it on.
Speaker 1: So there's this gorgeous Bachelor and we see a very
Speaker 1: short scene I guess it's the group date night, and
Speaker 1: the women are just running and giggling and chasing after him,
Speaker 1: and Julio goes, what is that? What the Bachelor is
Speaker 1: a bunch of women running around chasing a man and
Speaker 1: pretending they're just crazy about him. And I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: get used to it. It's been going on for thirty
Speaker 1: two seasons. How did you miss this? And He's like,
Speaker 1: it just seems like so like they're just putting themselves down,
Speaker 1: and I just it's so embarrassing for them. I'm ashamed
Speaker 1: for them, and I'm like, but that's what we all
Speaker 1: watch cause we want to say have female competition. But
Speaker 1: in real life, if that's a women do when they
Speaker 1: meet a guy who they think is their bachelor, they
Speaker 1: run after him and change anything they have to. Men
Speaker 1: don't do that. Men don't fall in love that way.
Speaker 1: They're not running around looking for their wife. They're not.
Speaker 1: What they're doing is busy building their own life, so
Speaker 1: they will be appealing to a woman, and when they
Speaker 1: hit the right time, they're going to take whatever woman's
Speaker 1: up at bat. So what are the things that create
Speaker 1: a state of readiness in a man, Well, when he's younger,
Speaker 1: it's his education. Right, If he's not finished his education,
Speaker 1: you're probably not going to get a marriage proposal out
Speaker 1: of him. It also may mean that he's hit a
Speaker 1: state of his career where he feels like he's financially able. Now,
Speaker 1: remember we're trying to get rid of patriarchy. We know
Speaker 1: that in a quarter of American households, the woman is
Speaker 1: the breadwinner. But patriarchy swims around insides our brains, and
Speaker 1: many men feel that they got to be some form
Speaker 1: of financial provider. Whether they succeed or not, or whether
Speaker 1: they have an economic peer in the relationship is another matter.
Speaker 1: But they still have this ideal that they need to
Speaker 1: hit some kind of financial level of financial security before
Speaker 1: they can think about marriage. Right, So education's won their career,
Speaker 1: whatever level they're at their career, but a big one
Speaker 1: is their social world. If they're hanging out with a
Speaker 1: bunch of bros who are still doing a bunch of
Speaker 1: Vegas weekends and everybody's single, they are nowhere near their
Speaker 1: state of readiness. If, however, they've started to go to
Speaker 1: weddings because their buddies are starting to get married, let
Speaker 1: me tell you marriage is highly contagious in social circles.
Speaker 1: So is divorced. By the way, just letting you know,
Speaker 1: highly contagious. You can also look for other things that
Speaker 1: are just about statistical probability that he will be a
Speaker 1: commitment oriented man. His parents stayed together, right, That's not
Speaker 1: the most common. But if his parents stayed together, this
Speaker 1: is what he knows. Right. If he was raised with
Speaker 1: any kind of religious messaging. It doesn't matter if he's
Speaker 1: religious now, but if he was raised with you know,
Speaker 1: most religions preach family love, marriage right. And also, I
Speaker 1: believe it or not, the research shows if he has
Speaker 1: more conservative political beliefs, If he has more conservative political beliefs,
Speaker 1: he may have this idea of a traditional marriage right.
Speaker 1: So I would look if I were young and dating
Speaker 1: and I had a you know, dwindling fertility window because
Speaker 1: women are eating up their twenties with education and career building.
Speaker 1: And if I was a thirty two year old woman
Speaker 1: and I knew I wanted to be a mother, which
Speaker 1: is about eighty percent of women, then I wouldn't be
Speaker 1: running around like a bunch of women on the Bachelor
Speaker 1: chasing after one alpha male. I would be very clearly
Speaker 1: and strategically looking for a man at his state of readiness. Now,
Speaker 1: before you think that's completely unromantic and going to question like,
Speaker 1: oh my god, and my husband only marry me, not
Speaker 1: because I'm the one, because he was at his state
Speaker 1: of readiness, it doesn't mean love can't be cultivated, that
Speaker 1: love can't grow. It means you can create hot sex
Speaker 1: out of all kinds of situations. I'm not saying that
Speaker 1: you should settle. I'm saying you should look for a
Speaker 1: mate who's ready for you instead of wasting your time
Speaker 1: with a bunch of mates who are far from ready. Oh,
Speaker 1: and I do want to say, if you're with a
Speaker 1: long term boyfriend and he hasn't committed and it's been
Speaker 1: like years, sadly, he's probably not going to commit to you.
Speaker 1: When he hits his state of readiness, he's going to
Speaker 1: go Okay, it's time to find a wife. Now I
Speaker 1: better get rid of my girlfriend. That happens, Kayla, don't
Speaker 1: look so shocked, I see producer Kayla let her eyes
Speaker 1: went wide when I said that, Hey, when we come back,
Speaker 1: let me weigh in on your love life. I have
Speaker 1: a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not
Speaker 1: a therapist. But you know, I've had a lot of
Speaker 1: life experience. I've written a few books on relationships, and
Speaker 1: let me weigh in. Send me a DM on my
Speaker 1: Instagram at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna have answer your questions when we come back.
Speaker 1: You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI
Speaker 1: Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty.
Speaker 1: Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI
Speaker 1: AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right,
Speaker 1: heading to the social media. If you would like to
Speaker 1: send me a DM with your relationship question, please know
Speaker 1: I will keep your identity anonymous. I'm not saying any
Speaker 1: names here, not out to shame anybody. I'm happy to
Speaker 1: weigh in on your love life. All right. First up,
Speaker 1: dear Doctor Wendy. Oh oh, oh, my gosh, I'm reading it.
Speaker 1: I can't believe what I'm about to say. My girlfriend
Speaker 1: called out the wrong name during intimacy. Ooh ooh. Is
Speaker 1: this worth a conversation or just a natural slip? We're
Speaker 1: new to dating each other. I think it's worth a conversation.
Speaker 1: But the kind of conversation is what's important here. If
Speaker 1: you're accusational, if you feel angry, if you feel insulted,
Speaker 1: that's not a good conversation. If you can use it
Speaker 1: in a flirtatious way, with a little slap and tickle,
Speaker 1: Hey did you say somebody else's name? You cutie, I
Speaker 1: can't believe you, And giggle about it and have some
Speaker 1: fun with it to let her know. That that's what
Speaker 1: you heard, then that's what you should do. I don't
Speaker 1: think you should ignore it, though. I mean, if someone
Speaker 1: did that to me, i'd bring it up. But you
Speaker 1: know me, I'll say it all all right, Move it along,
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy. I met a guy in the real world,
Speaker 1: So they have to say that now in the real world,
Speaker 1: because you have sum that it all happens online. I
Speaker 1: met a guy in the real world and we really clicked.
Speaker 1: He's smart and super handsome. Ehoo. He revealed that he
Speaker 1: hasn't used so in seven years. He believes that humans
Speaker 1: don't really need it. I like everything else about him.
Speaker 1: Is there a nice way to tell him how gross
Speaker 1: this is? Okay? So, first of all, there is plenty
Speaker 1: of research out there to show that the number one
Speaker 1: thing that gives women the IX causes a feeling of
Speaker 1: disgust is poor hygiene in a potential mate. You see,
Speaker 1: women are wired to be very defensive and careful to
Speaker 1: avoid pathogens, both for themselves and their babies. Right, so
Speaker 1: we have a heightened sense of disgust. So you heard this,
Speaker 1: he hasn't used soap in seven years. So I'm gonna
Speaker 1: ask you this get more information. And the first question
Speaker 1: I'm going to ask is is it obvious, like do
Speaker 1: you smell it? Is there some odor, some pheromones? If so,
Speaker 1: then you're gonna tell him, Hey, dude, I don't like
Speaker 1: your pheromone. It's not working for me. Right, just gonna
Speaker 1: say it now. If now you're gonna ask him he
Speaker 1: says he believes humans don't really need soap, Let's ask
Speaker 1: him what he's afraid of in soap. So maybe there
Speaker 1: are certain ingredients in soap, and yes, some of them
Speaker 1: do have some dangerous ingredients. We know that. Then you
Speaker 1: might suggest that he might try a totally natural soap
Speaker 1: without all those bad things in them. You might even
Speaker 1: buy some as a gift. But maybe he cleans himself
Speaker 1: really well with hot water, with a sponge, a scrub brush,
Speaker 1: a rough cloth, a back bristle brush, And maybe he's
Speaker 1: cleaner than another guy out there who quickly throws on
Speaker 1: some soap and does a quick rinse and is done.
Speaker 1: I think you need more information about his hygiene routine.
Speaker 1: And if you can't smell anything that smells bad, then
Speaker 1: he's probably a clean person. He's just not using chemicals
Speaker 1: to get himself clean. There might be other ways. You
Speaker 1: just need more information. I need to ask about it.
Speaker 1: Don't just run away, Dear doctor, Wendy, I feel really
Speaker 1: sad because I was single for yet another Valentine's Day.
Speaker 1: How can I be more secure about being single? First
Speaker 1: of all, you are not alone. There's a lot of
Speaker 1: pressure when these Hallmark holidays come up to be you committed.
Speaker 1: And I want you to understand this that during our
Speaker 1: long life expectancies, at different times of our life, different ages,
Speaker 1: we will find ourselves single through breakups, divorce, sadly the
Speaker 1: death of a spouse, and there should be nothing shameful
Speaker 1: about it. In fact, it's estimated that fifty percent of
Speaker 1: adults are unmarried in America, so you're really not alone
Speaker 1: with half the population. But something's going on that you
Speaker 1: and your therapist should talk about, which is this inside
Speaker 1: story you're telling yourself that being single is less than now. Yes,
Speaker 1: there are the messages from our culture that are telling
Speaker 1: you being in a partnership is important. And let me
Speaker 1: tell you, I was a single mom for twenty years.
Speaker 1: I get a boyfriend and I get engaged, and everyone's like, congratulations,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, congradulate. They're so happy, they're just happy
Speaker 1: that I have emotional support in my life. Right, it
Speaker 1: doesn't mean I was less loved when I was single.
Speaker 1: So I just want you to ask yourself why you
Speaker 1: tell yourself this story? What this story? How you're using
Speaker 1: this story to continue to lower your self esteem? And
Speaker 1: you and your therapist should do some work around this, because,
Speaker 1: as my therapist likes to say to me, there's information here.
Speaker 1: This is fertile ground for exploration. Let's start digging. Okay,
Speaker 1: when we come back, I have more questions. If you
Speaker 1: would like to send me a DM on Instagram. Do
Speaker 1: if I can't get to it this week, we keep
Speaker 1: it for future weeks. I will keep your identity anonymous.
Speaker 1: Send it to at d R Wendy Walsh. I'll have
Speaker 1: more when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor
Speaker 1: Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 2: You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
Speaker 2: AM six forty Welcome.
Speaker 1: Back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM
Speaker 1: six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I say
Speaker 1: that a lot I say in my sleep Live everywhere
Speaker 1: on the iHeartRadio app. But honestly, I want to give
Speaker 1: you a little commercial for that. You know, in many cars,
Speaker 1: AM radio is going away. It's so great to download
Speaker 1: the iHeartRadio app. If you miss any part of this show,
Speaker 1: if you miss future shows, past shows, whatever, you can
Speaker 1: just listen to your favorite shows whenever you want to
Speaker 1: listen to them. And you can listen to a live
Speaker 1: when you're in the car. You just use your Bluetooth, right,
Speaker 1: Just slide it on through. Okay, on to my Instagram
Speaker 1: answering your direct messages, your relationship questions. If you want
Speaker 1: to send me one, send it to at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay,
Speaker 1: Dear doctor Wendy, I love that you proposed to your boyfriend.
Speaker 1: Should I ask my situationship to officially be my boyfriend?
Speaker 2: Okay?
Speaker 1: Where do I start with this one? Producer, Kayla, you
Speaker 1: know this is a question that gets me riled up.
Speaker 1: I know, I know, and it's probably not going to
Speaker 1: go the way that this listener expects it to go. Right.
Speaker 1: You're too late, that's the answer. You're too late.
Speaker 2: Okay.
Speaker 1: I'm not a big believer in situationships. You know what
Speaker 1: situationships are if you don't know. There are relationship where
Speaker 1: it is undefined. It sort of starts off as a
Speaker 1: sexual relationship. Often there are dates involved, but nobody's brave
Speaker 1: enough to have the what are we conversation? So therefore
Speaker 1: everybody's free in their own mind to go date other
Speaker 1: people have other always used protection in a situationship, right
Speaker 1: to go meet with their ex whatever. So it's really late,
Speaker 1: but you got to do it. Somebody's got to have
Speaker 1: the conversation. I don't think getting on one knee and
Speaker 1: saying to a dude, will you be my boyfriend is
Speaker 1: going to work. I think you need to have the
Speaker 1: where is this going conversation, the frank conversation. Hey make
Speaker 1: a communication, Sandwich say something like I am just loving
Speaker 1: hanging out with you, but I feel like we're growing
Speaker 1: into something more. How would you define our relationship because
Speaker 1: it feels pretty hot to me? And if he says, oh, no,
Speaker 1: you're just a friend with benefits or I don't know,
Speaker 1: it's just like we're just having fun and okay, then
Speaker 1: you know you got your answer and you need to
Speaker 1: move along. I'm so sorry you're in a situationship. They're
Speaker 1: so painful where nobody knows have the conversation. You guys
Speaker 1: all right? Oh, here we go again. Dear doctor Wendy
Speaker 1: a guy I've been hooking up with and was so
Speaker 1: sweet and kind. I missed his call and called him
Speaker 1: back later in the night. I told him I was
Speaker 1: out to dinner, and he asked if I was out
Speaker 1: on a date. I told him we aren't exclusive and
Speaker 1: this should not be a discussion. Oh. He got really
Speaker 1: emotional and said, whatever, I can, just leave you alone.
Speaker 1: I believe he then blocked me. We had talked every
Speaker 1: day and he said he really likes me and he
Speaker 1: misses me, and he gave me so much love. How
Speaker 1: do you go from love to being blocked? Lady Jane,
Speaker 1: I have a story for you. One time, when I
Speaker 1: was I had a roommate, Sylvia and I. We used
Speaker 1: to have this rule because we were player chicks. That's
Speaker 1: what we called it back then, player chicks, and our
Speaker 1: rule was you couldn't date more than five guys at
Speaker 1: once because then you get the stories mixed up. So
Speaker 1: one of my five guys, when I wasn't so attentive
Speaker 1: to him, accused me of playing him. He cried on
Speaker 1: the phone. He was heartbroken. I was holding the phone
Speaker 1: out from my head, looking so confused, like what we
Speaker 1: never even had a conversation about who we are, what
Speaker 1: we have? What the heck right? I didn't realize that
Speaker 1: everybody has feelings, including men. And guess what, this guy
Speaker 1: that you've been hooking up with, who's being so sweet
Speaker 1: and kind, is being sweet and kind for a reason.
Speaker 1: He's building a relationship with you. He cares about you.
Speaker 1: And so what happened is you went out to dinner
Speaker 1: we don't know with who might have been a date,
Speaker 1: and he wanted to express to you that he really
Speaker 1: cares about you. So he did it by expressing a
Speaker 1: little bit of jealousy. He said, were you out on
Speaker 1: a date? And that was your chance to say, no,
Speaker 1: I was out with a girlfriend. I'd rather be dating you.
Speaker 1: But you didn't. You insulted him, You threw it back
Speaker 1: at him, and you said, we don't need to have
Speaker 1: a discussion about this. We're not exclusive. What you said
Speaker 1: to him is I don't like you enough to have
Speaker 1: a relationship. And so therefore his little heart was broken
Speaker 1: and he blocked you, not because he wanted to hurt you,
Speaker 1: but he had to stop his heart from bleeding. That's
Speaker 1: what happened. That's what happened. Are you surprised? Wow? I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: poor guy. Where is he? I want to go give
Speaker 1: him a hug? She hurt his feelings? Ah, okay, I
Speaker 1: think we have time for at least one more. Dear
Speaker 1: doctor Wendy, I met a guy who has a child.
Speaker 1: It happens to their parents out there. He sees the
Speaker 1: child at her mother's house every day. Uh huh. He
Speaker 1: spends hours hours there, and he says the child is
Speaker 1: too young to be away from her mother. He has
Speaker 1: to go there. I am very uncomfortable. She wrote that
Speaker 1: all in caps. I am very uncomfortable. Should I suggest
Speaker 1: bringing the kid anywhere else? We've been dating for three months? Okay,
Speaker 1: I need more information. How old this kid is. If
Speaker 1: it's an infant, you know, maybe they need to be
Speaker 1: with the mom. If it's a toddler, time to get
Speaker 1: out of the house once in a while and give
Speaker 1: mom a break. I think you're uncomfortable because you're wondering
Speaker 1: if this ex girlfriend, ex wife whatever, is actually using
Speaker 1: the kid as a way to get the guy to
Speaker 1: come over. So I think if you've been dating for
Speaker 1: three months, it's time to very very gently have the conversation,
Speaker 1: and the way you have the conversation is by talking
Speaker 1: about your feelings, not all in capital letters with exclamation marks,
Speaker 1: but literally say verbally, Hey, So you're spending a lot
Speaker 1: of time over at your ex's place, and I really
Speaker 1: respect that you have such a good attachment with your
Speaker 1: child and you're such an attentive father. I think it's wonderful.
Speaker 1: But I'm wondering if she's not like letting you take
Speaker 1: the kid out because she's trying to keep you in
Speaker 1: and sort of become a team with him in exploring
Speaker 1: what this could be or mean. I don't think this
Speaker 1: is about him. I think he's trying to be a
Speaker 1: good father. That's my gut. My gut says he's trying
Speaker 1: to be a good father, but there's something going on
Speaker 1: in this dynamic that he's unable to detach from the
Speaker 1: mother of his child. Just saying, let's you want more
Speaker 1: real quick, Dear doctor, Wendy, I had sex with a
Speaker 1: man and he ghosted me for two months. Afterwards, he
Speaker 1: came back, apologizing and saying he was having mental issues.
Speaker 1: Should I give him another try? No? The best way
Speaker 1: to predict somebody's future behavior is by looking at their
Speaker 1: past behavior. If he did it once, he's going to
Speaker 1: do it again. Oh man, oh man. When we come back,
Speaker 1: I have an attorney on the line who's going to
Speaker 1: talk to us about a real estate investment that can
Speaker 1: break up relationships. You won't believe what it is. You
Speaker 1: listened to the Doctor Walls Show on KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 1: We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening
Speaker 1: to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live
Speaker 1: on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm
Speaker 1: on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.