WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:02.919 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI 2 00:00:03.080 --> 00:00:05.960 AM six forty The Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand 3 00:00:06.280 --> 00:00:09.640 on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wall 4 00:00:09.720 --> 00:00:13.000 Show on KFI A six forty Live everywhere on the 5 00:00:13.039 --> 00:00:17.079 iHeartRadio app. High Producer Kayla, how are you wonderful, Doctor Wendy? 6 00:00:17.120 --> 00:00:18.480 How are you good to see you? 7 00:00:19.239 --> 00:00:19.440 Well? 8 00:00:19.800 --> 00:00:22.879 On tonight's show, We've got I'm going to be answering 9 00:00:22.920 --> 00:00:26.559 your social media questions. We also have a real estate lawyer. 10 00:00:26.600 --> 00:00:29.079 Now you're going to think like a real estate lawyer 11 00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:31.559 is going to talk about relationships. Yeah, well, there's one 12 00:00:31.760 --> 00:00:37.479 certain real estate mistake that couples make that can literally 13 00:00:37.560 --> 00:00:40.600 lead to divorce or maybe even financial ruins. So she 14 00:00:40.600 --> 00:00:43.640 feels in some ways like she's a marriage therapist. She's 15 00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:47.359 going to talk about it. Also, if you remember the 16 00:00:47.399 --> 00:00:51.320 taxi cab theory from Sex in the City, I'm going 17 00:00:51.399 --> 00:00:54.359 to tell you why it's real, it still exists, and 18 00:00:54.399 --> 00:00:58.840 how you can use it to find better love. But first, 19 00:00:58.920 --> 00:01:00.920 if you're new to my show, I have a PhD 20 00:01:01.039 --> 00:01:04.319 in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist. 21 00:01:04.519 --> 00:01:06.959 But I've written three books on relationships because I am 22 00:01:07.000 --> 00:01:11.040 obsessed with the science of love, and I got married 23 00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:13.799 after being a single mom for twenty years. I got 24 00:01:13.840 --> 00:01:17.799 married this past summer. Now, my sweet Julio and I 25 00:01:17.799 --> 00:01:21.400 have been together four and a half years, but we 26 00:01:21.560 --> 00:01:26.560 do a lot of talking about nothing. One of the 27 00:01:26.560 --> 00:01:30.000 things I like about the only thing I like about 28 00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:34.359 Los Angeles traffic are excellent cell phones with Bluetooth, of course, 29 00:01:34.359 --> 00:01:37.920 hand free. Hands free because from the moment I get 30 00:01:37.959 --> 00:01:40.920 in my car until the moment I get to my destination, 31 00:01:41.480 --> 00:01:44.120 I'm usually talking to somebody. Maybe you do the same 32 00:01:44.120 --> 00:01:49.439 thing too, and sometimes we're talking about nothing. Turns out 33 00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:53.120 research says that talking about nothing is one of the 34 00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:56.920 best things you can do for any relationship. So here's 35 00:01:56.920 --> 00:01:58.719 a couple ways I use it. So. I have a 36 00:01:58.719 --> 00:02:01.680 best friend. She and I often have a morning call 37 00:02:01.719 --> 00:02:04.000 when we're going to work and we're both going to 38 00:02:04.159 --> 00:02:09.000 different directions on the freeway and we just literally, I mean, 39 00:02:09.000 --> 00:02:11.439 I'm trying to think how an hour on the freeway 40 00:02:11.520 --> 00:02:15.520 is feel like, what are these gripping topics these headlines, 41 00:02:15.560 --> 00:02:19.639 And it's usually something like what new moisturizer someone has 42 00:02:19.719 --> 00:02:22.960 found and how to lock the door better, and where 43 00:02:23.000 --> 00:02:26.159 the dog needs to go during the day, and what 44 00:02:26.199 --> 00:02:28.120 the traffic's looking like. In this way, I mean we're 45 00:02:28.120 --> 00:02:32.000 talking about nothing. We just keep talking about nothing. Also, 46 00:02:32.199 --> 00:02:35.400 because I have a new mother in law, I'm getting 47 00:02:35.439 --> 00:02:39.560 to know her by my traffic talking about nothing. Sometimes 48 00:02:39.560 --> 00:02:41.319 I'll call and we will just chat and chat. And 49 00:02:41.360 --> 00:02:44.360 she's a talker, I'm a talker. We're really lucky that 50 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:49.599 way that we're both extroverts. Kayla. Sometimes I think that 51 00:02:49.680 --> 00:02:54.360 what we do on KFI is sort of talking about nothing. 52 00:02:54.960 --> 00:02:58.319 I mean, we give lots of information, but let's talk 53 00:02:58.360 --> 00:03:04.000 about what talking about thing actually does. It forms a relationship, 54 00:03:04.639 --> 00:03:10.159 It builds rapport, and we're building relationships with our listeners. 55 00:03:10.960 --> 00:03:15.120 You know the woman who hired me, Robin Bertalucci, the 56 00:03:15.159 --> 00:03:19.000 famous Robin Bertolucci, program director at KFI for more than 57 00:03:19.080 --> 00:03:21.520 twenty five years. I think she told me one time 58 00:03:21.560 --> 00:03:26.719 because I had come from television, and in television, you go, hello, everybody, 59 00:03:26.800 --> 00:03:29.960 welcome to our show. And on tonight's show, we've got right. 60 00:03:30.120 --> 00:03:34.599 She's like, oh, no, no, no, no. Radio's intimate. When people 61 00:03:34.680 --> 00:03:36.360 watch TV, they might be watching it with a group 62 00:03:36.400 --> 00:03:39.879 of people, but when people listen to radio, they're alone, 63 00:03:40.599 --> 00:03:44.039 they're in their cars, they're in their office, maybe the 64 00:03:44.080 --> 00:03:46.759 back office. All everyone else is out front. They got 65 00:03:46.759 --> 00:03:49.919 their radio going. Maybe they're home alone and they're talk 66 00:03:50.039 --> 00:03:54.599 radio is keeping them company. Robin said, keep it intimate, 67 00:03:55.319 --> 00:04:00.400 keep it real, and talk to one person who's sitting alone. Okay, 68 00:04:00.400 --> 00:04:04.080 if you're a stalker, I'm not talking to you. Okay, sorry, 69 00:04:04.680 --> 00:04:07.120 I'm just throwing a little comedy litt levity there somewhere. 70 00:04:07.639 --> 00:04:10.240 But if you think about it, you know, we blah 71 00:04:10.319 --> 00:04:12.319 blah blah about all kinds of things. Throw in some 72 00:04:12.319 --> 00:04:15.240 good information for you, but you feel connected. 73 00:04:15.759 --> 00:04:16.040 Right. 74 00:04:16.439 --> 00:04:24.199 Talking about nothing sometimes is everything. So research is showing 75 00:04:24.759 --> 00:04:28.319 that when people first start to date, they do a 76 00:04:28.360 --> 00:04:32.839 lot of talking about nothing. Remember the early stages of dating. 77 00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:35.639 You seem to talk for hours and hours and hours. 78 00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:38.319 There was always things to talk about because you had 79 00:04:38.319 --> 00:04:41.199 to get to know each other's past. You had to 80 00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:43.519 get to know of everything up to that point. Right 81 00:04:44.240 --> 00:04:48.439 in the early stages of courtship, couple spend an enormous 82 00:04:48.480 --> 00:04:51.480 amount of time getting to know each other. So the 83 00:04:51.519 --> 00:04:55.519 topics could be philosophical about their values, it could be 84 00:04:55.600 --> 00:04:59.680 sexy and romantic, it could be humorous, and flirting. It 85 00:04:59.720 --> 00:05:02.519 could be we just news of their childhood. Hopefully you're 86 00:05:02.519 --> 00:05:06.360 going to learn about somebody's childhood. But after a few years, 87 00:05:06.720 --> 00:05:11.800 after the kids are born, the partnership, the scheduling, the 88 00:05:11.839 --> 00:05:17.240 busyness of the relationship takes over, and suddenly you're not 89 00:05:17.480 --> 00:05:24.279 talking anymore. You're not talking about nothing, right, So psychologists 90 00:05:24.279 --> 00:05:31.480 would say that care free talk creates a feeling of playfulness, silliness, 91 00:05:32.160 --> 00:05:36.800 maybe outrageousness. One of the things that Julio and I 92 00:05:36.839 --> 00:05:40.399 do is we like to take long walks together. We're 93 00:05:40.439 --> 00:05:44.240 also people who are we're just naturally affectionate. So when 94 00:05:44.240 --> 00:05:46.439 we're walking, we're holding hands the whole time, so we're 95 00:05:46.439 --> 00:05:49.959 staying connected. Honestly, I've never been with a guy that 96 00:05:50.000 --> 00:05:51.720 we need to be touching each other all the time, 97 00:05:51.800 --> 00:05:54.000 and we're together, if we're watching TV, our legs are 98 00:05:54.000 --> 00:05:57.040 wrapped around each other. I think of every other relationship 99 00:05:57.079 --> 00:05:58.800 I had and we were sitting at opposite ends of 100 00:05:58.839 --> 00:06:02.600 the sofa. I was with all these avoidant people, and 101 00:06:02.639 --> 00:06:05.959 now I'm just with this warm, warm person. But we 102 00:06:06.079 --> 00:06:10.120 walk a lot and we're holding hands and there's no rule, 103 00:06:10.279 --> 00:06:12.680 like it's not like okay, when we go let's talk 104 00:06:12.720 --> 00:06:16.399 about this. Things come up. They come up based on 105 00:06:16.519 --> 00:06:18.439 what we happen to see. Look at that car. I've 106 00:06:18.439 --> 00:06:21.279 always wanted to drive that kind of car. Or look 107 00:06:21.279 --> 00:06:24.079 at that person, or oh my gosh, I said the 108 00:06:24.120 --> 00:06:28.360 other day, look at how the trees are losing their 109 00:06:29.000 --> 00:06:32.079 bark like a snake as they're growing wider. And he's like, 110 00:06:32.120 --> 00:06:34.360 that's what trees do. I go, yeah, you didn't know that. 111 00:06:34.399 --> 00:06:36.839 They don't just get wider and stretch out. They have 112 00:06:36.920 --> 00:06:39.279 to crack and lose their bark. And we were stopping 113 00:06:39.279 --> 00:06:40.959 and we were feeling a tree and he's like, I 114 00:06:41.079 --> 00:06:44.959 learned something every day from you, right, But it's just 115 00:06:46.319 --> 00:06:50.279 it's just talking about nothing. And sometimes well the other 116 00:06:50.360 --> 00:06:52.360 day we were walking and we ended up walking like 117 00:06:52.439 --> 00:06:55.600 three or four miles. We were just talking about nothing 118 00:06:55.720 --> 00:06:58.319 and walking and walking. So I encourage you to do 119 00:06:58.360 --> 00:07:00.959 it all right, set a time and place. Maybe it's 120 00:07:00.959 --> 00:07:02.839 a walk, Maybe it's just turning off the TV and 121 00:07:02.879 --> 00:07:04.959 sitting around and talking. Maybe it's at the dinner table 122 00:07:05.279 --> 00:07:09.120 and talk about anything or everything. No subject is off 123 00:07:09.160 --> 00:07:11.720 the table. And don't worry about what you're saying, don't 124 00:07:11.720 --> 00:07:14.680 get attached, don't worry about shame. Just let it happen, 125 00:07:15.160 --> 00:07:18.560 because this is the constant rapport building that we need 126 00:07:18.839 --> 00:07:22.319 all the time in our love lives, not just at 127 00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:25.439 the courtship phase. We're always growing and changing, and you're 128 00:07:25.480 --> 00:07:27.319 getting news about you know, they're not with you twenty 129 00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:28.959 four hours a day. When they're out of the office, 130 00:07:29.040 --> 00:07:33.000 you're going to get news. Just talk about nothing, all right, 131 00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:35.600 when we come back. There is something known as the 132 00:07:35.720 --> 00:07:39.240 taxi cab theory. I think the phrase was coined back 133 00:07:39.240 --> 00:07:43.199 in Sex and the City days. I believe it still exists, 134 00:07:43.680 --> 00:07:47.519 and it has to do with when men are ready 135 00:07:47.560 --> 00:07:50.839 to commit. I'll explain when I come back. You are 136 00:07:50.839 --> 00:07:53.839 listening to the Doctor Andy Wall Show on KFI AM 137 00:07:53.879 --> 00:07:57.079 six point forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 138 00:07:58.319 --> 00:08:02.560 You're listening to Doctor When Walsh on demand from KFI 139 00:08:02.759 --> 00:08:03.959 AM six forty. 140 00:08:05.079 --> 00:08:07.519 Welcome back to the Doctor Eddie Wall Show on KFI 141 00:08:07.720 --> 00:08:11.759 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You 142 00:08:11.800 --> 00:08:15.839 ever gone out with someone and you had fairly good relationship, 143 00:08:15.879 --> 00:08:18.160 got a little bit rocky, you broke up, and you 144 00:08:18.160 --> 00:08:21.199 know what they said, I'm just not ready for a relationship. 145 00:08:21.480 --> 00:08:24.439 I think it's all too much. It's me, it's not you. 146 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:28.399 I'm just not ready. And then your all heartbroken and 147 00:08:28.439 --> 00:08:30.600 realize that there's nothing you could have done because they 148 00:08:30.680 --> 00:08:33.519 just apparently weren't ready. And then a month later you 149 00:08:33.559 --> 00:08:39.799 find out they're engaged. Oh wow, that's amazing. When it happens, 150 00:08:40.080 --> 00:08:44.759 maybe it was about you, or maybe they did suddenly 151 00:08:44.759 --> 00:08:48.639 get ready, just not when you were with them. Look, 152 00:08:48.679 --> 00:08:52.559 this theory is sometimes called the taxi cab theory. And 153 00:08:52.799 --> 00:08:55.279 if you've ever been a fan of Sex and the City, 154 00:08:55.720 --> 00:08:59.639 you've probably heard the character Miranda break it down this 155 00:08:59.679 --> 00:09:02.240 way with a right edge. It's fate. 156 00:09:02.799 --> 00:09:07.919 It's not fate. His light is on, that's all what lights. 157 00:09:08.679 --> 00:09:09.720 Men are like calves. 158 00:09:10.240 --> 00:09:13.240 When they're available, their light goes on. They wake up 159 00:09:13.279 --> 00:09:16.039 one day and they decide they're ready to settle down, 160 00:09:16.159 --> 00:09:18.799 have babies, whatever, and they turn their light up. The 161 00:09:18.840 --> 00:09:21.000 next woman they pick up, Boom, that's the one they'll marry. 162 00:09:21.039 --> 00:09:22.840 It's not faith, it's dumb luck. 163 00:09:23.559 --> 00:09:28.720 It does sound very unromantic, this idea that when a 164 00:09:28.799 --> 00:09:32.159 man hits his state of readiness, he just turns on 165 00:09:32.240 --> 00:09:35.120 his light and whatever woman is around is the one 166 00:09:35.159 --> 00:09:38.360 he's going to sign up for and commit to. I 167 00:09:38.480 --> 00:09:41.960 have always called it the dugout theory, which is, you 168 00:09:42.000 --> 00:09:44.960 know when a bit, when a pitcher is hot, he 169 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:48.120 will pitch to any batter up at bat. And so 170 00:09:48.840 --> 00:09:52.480 it doesn't matter if a guy has had great girlfriends 171 00:09:52.519 --> 00:09:55.639 in his past that he pines away for, it doesn't 172 00:09:55.679 --> 00:10:00.159 matter if he envisions amazing women in his future. When 173 00:10:00.240 --> 00:10:03.440 he hits that state of readiness, he pretty much takes 174 00:10:03.639 --> 00:10:08.480 whoever's up at bat. Now, the reason why this theory, 175 00:10:08.960 --> 00:10:12.720 which I believe is true, is so important for women 176 00:10:12.799 --> 00:10:17.159 to understand is because women are very different about finding 177 00:10:17.200 --> 00:10:20.159 a mate and falling in love. First of all, way 178 00:10:20.159 --> 00:10:24.559 too many people believe in the one or fate or 179 00:10:24.600 --> 00:10:28.080 a soulmate. And I just want to remind you that 180 00:10:28.159 --> 00:10:32.240 if you have good relationship skills, you will be more 181 00:10:32.279 --> 00:10:35.600 attractive to more people, and you'll be more attracted to 182 00:10:35.679 --> 00:10:38.759 more people. There'll be many ones, many soulmates, because you 183 00:10:38.879 --> 00:10:41.000 know how to do it right, you've got those good 184 00:10:41.080 --> 00:10:45.519 relationship skills. So but women, however, whether they believe in 185 00:10:45.559 --> 00:10:47.799 the one or the fate or whatever, when they meet 186 00:10:47.879 --> 00:10:50.720 someone who they're attracted to, who they envisioned could be 187 00:10:50.799 --> 00:10:55.840 a long term relationship, they will reorganize their entire life 188 00:10:56.080 --> 00:11:00.759 for him. They will change jobs, change cities, do change clothes, 189 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:03.240 change hair, whatever they want for him. They won't make 190 00:11:03.360 --> 00:11:05.279 him fall in love them. You know what funny thing 191 00:11:05.720 --> 00:11:07.879 is the other night, Hulu and I were watching TV 192 00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:09.240 and he was you know how guys do with their 193 00:11:09.279 --> 00:11:11.480 remote control, going through all the channels really quick, and 194 00:11:11.519 --> 00:11:14.559 he goes, oh, here's the Bachelor. I've never seen the Bachelor. 195 00:11:14.600 --> 00:11:16.960 And I go, what they've only had like thirty two 196 00:11:17.000 --> 00:11:19.600 seasons or something. You've never seen an episode of the Bachelor. 197 00:11:19.759 --> 00:11:21.120 And he goes, no, no, no, let me turn it on. 198 00:11:21.679 --> 00:11:24.840 So there's this gorgeous Bachelor and we see a very 199 00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:28.480 short scene I guess it's the group date night, and 200 00:11:29.080 --> 00:11:32.559 the women are just running and giggling and chasing after him, 201 00:11:32.879 --> 00:11:37.120 and Julio goes, what is that? What the Bachelor is 202 00:11:37.720 --> 00:11:40.639 a bunch of women running around chasing a man and 203 00:11:40.679 --> 00:11:43.559 pretending they're just crazy about him. And I'm like, yeah, 204 00:11:44.039 --> 00:11:45.720 get used to it. It's been going on for thirty 205 00:11:45.720 --> 00:11:48.000 two seasons. How did you miss this? And He's like, 206 00:11:48.360 --> 00:11:52.120 it just seems like so like they're just putting themselves down, 207 00:11:52.200 --> 00:11:54.639 and I just it's so embarrassing for them. I'm ashamed 208 00:11:54.679 --> 00:11:56.840 for them, and I'm like, but that's what we all 209 00:11:56.840 --> 00:11:59.360 watch cause we want to say have female competition. But 210 00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:02.000 in real life, if that's a women do when they 211 00:12:02.039 --> 00:12:04.360 meet a guy who they think is their bachelor, they 212 00:12:04.440 --> 00:12:07.320 run after him and change anything they have to. Men 213 00:12:07.360 --> 00:12:09.759 don't do that. Men don't fall in love that way. 214 00:12:10.080 --> 00:12:13.279 They're not running around looking for their wife. They're not. 215 00:12:14.360 --> 00:12:18.240 What they're doing is busy building their own life, so 216 00:12:18.279 --> 00:12:21.639 they will be appealing to a woman, and when they 217 00:12:21.759 --> 00:12:24.440 hit the right time, they're going to take whatever woman's 218 00:12:24.519 --> 00:12:28.639 up at bat. So what are the things that create 219 00:12:28.759 --> 00:12:33.240 a state of readiness in a man, Well, when he's younger, 220 00:12:33.600 --> 00:12:36.480 it's his education. Right, If he's not finished his education, 221 00:12:37.000 --> 00:12:39.120 you're probably not going to get a marriage proposal out 222 00:12:39.159 --> 00:12:43.159 of him. It also may mean that he's hit a 223 00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:48.080 state of his career where he feels like he's financially able. Now, 224 00:12:48.120 --> 00:12:50.519 remember we're trying to get rid of patriarchy. We know 225 00:12:50.639 --> 00:12:53.279 that in a quarter of American households, the woman is 226 00:12:53.279 --> 00:12:58.679 the breadwinner. But patriarchy swims around insides our brains, and 227 00:12:58.759 --> 00:13:01.080 many men feel that they got to be some form 228 00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:03.559 of financial provider. Whether they succeed or not, or whether 229 00:13:03.600 --> 00:13:06.639 they have an economic peer in the relationship is another matter. 230 00:13:06.840 --> 00:13:09.360 But they still have this ideal that they need to 231 00:13:09.440 --> 00:13:12.960 hit some kind of financial level of financial security before 232 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:18.720 they can think about marriage. Right, So education's won their career, 233 00:13:18.799 --> 00:13:21.759 whatever level they're at their career, but a big one 234 00:13:21.840 --> 00:13:24.919 is their social world. If they're hanging out with a 235 00:13:24.919 --> 00:13:27.279 bunch of bros who are still doing a bunch of 236 00:13:27.360 --> 00:13:31.519 Vegas weekends and everybody's single, they are nowhere near their 237 00:13:31.559 --> 00:13:35.480 state of readiness. If, however, they've started to go to 238 00:13:35.519 --> 00:13:39.120 weddings because their buddies are starting to get married, let 239 00:13:39.159 --> 00:13:43.279 me tell you marriage is highly contagious in social circles. 240 00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:45.600 So is divorced. By the way, just letting you know, 241 00:13:46.000 --> 00:13:49.279 highly contagious. You can also look for other things that 242 00:13:49.320 --> 00:13:52.360 are just about statistical probability that he will be a 243 00:13:52.360 --> 00:13:56.600 commitment oriented man. His parents stayed together, right, That's not 244 00:13:56.720 --> 00:13:59.039 the most common. But if his parents stayed together, this 245 00:13:59.159 --> 00:14:02.200 is what he knows. Right. If he was raised with 246 00:14:02.399 --> 00:14:04.919 any kind of religious messaging. It doesn't matter if he's 247 00:14:04.919 --> 00:14:08.000 religious now, but if he was raised with you know, 248 00:14:08.080 --> 00:14:14.200 most religions preach family love, marriage right. And also, I 249 00:14:14.200 --> 00:14:16.399 believe it or not, the research shows if he has 250 00:14:16.440 --> 00:14:20.519 more conservative political beliefs, If he has more conservative political beliefs, 251 00:14:20.559 --> 00:14:23.840 he may have this idea of a traditional marriage right. 252 00:14:24.399 --> 00:14:28.840 So I would look if I were young and dating 253 00:14:29.320 --> 00:14:33.080 and I had a you know, dwindling fertility window because 254 00:14:33.120 --> 00:14:36.519 women are eating up their twenties with education and career building. 255 00:14:36.840 --> 00:14:38.759 And if I was a thirty two year old woman 256 00:14:39.080 --> 00:14:40.879 and I knew I wanted to be a mother, which 257 00:14:40.879 --> 00:14:44.080 is about eighty percent of women, then I wouldn't be 258 00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:47.200 running around like a bunch of women on the Bachelor 259 00:14:47.679 --> 00:14:52.360 chasing after one alpha male. I would be very clearly 260 00:14:52.440 --> 00:14:56.600 and strategically looking for a man at his state of readiness. Now, 261 00:14:56.840 --> 00:15:00.840 before you think that's completely unromantic and going to question like, 262 00:15:00.879 --> 00:15:03.159 oh my god, and my husband only marry me, not 263 00:15:03.200 --> 00:15:05.720 because I'm the one, because he was at his state 264 00:15:05.759 --> 00:15:10.519 of readiness, it doesn't mean love can't be cultivated, that 265 00:15:10.639 --> 00:15:14.320 love can't grow. It means you can create hot sex 266 00:15:14.399 --> 00:15:17.919 out of all kinds of situations. I'm not saying that 267 00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:21.000 you should settle. I'm saying you should look for a 268 00:15:21.039 --> 00:15:23.759 mate who's ready for you instead of wasting your time 269 00:15:24.159 --> 00:15:26.480 with a bunch of mates who are far from ready. Oh, 270 00:15:26.480 --> 00:15:28.279 and I do want to say, if you're with a 271 00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:31.399 long term boyfriend and he hasn't committed and it's been 272 00:15:31.480 --> 00:15:35.720 like years, sadly, he's probably not going to commit to you. 273 00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:37.639 When he hits his state of readiness, he's going to 274 00:15:37.679 --> 00:15:39.039 go Okay, it's time to find a wife. Now I 275 00:15:39.080 --> 00:15:42.440 better get rid of my girlfriend. That happens, Kayla, don't 276 00:15:42.440 --> 00:15:45.120 look so shocked, I see producer Kayla let her eyes 277 00:15:45.159 --> 00:15:47.799 went wide when I said that, Hey, when we come back, 278 00:15:47.919 --> 00:15:50.399 let me weigh in on your love life. I have 279 00:15:50.440 --> 00:15:53.840 a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not 280 00:15:53.919 --> 00:15:55.759 a therapist. But you know, I've had a lot of 281 00:15:55.799 --> 00:15:58.720 life experience. I've written a few books on relationships, and 282 00:15:58.799 --> 00:16:01.120 let me weigh in. Send me a DM on my 283 00:16:01.200 --> 00:16:04.720 Instagram at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh, 284 00:16:04.879 --> 00:16:07.519 and I'm gonna have answer your questions when we come back. 285 00:16:07.799 --> 00:16:09.919 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI 286 00:16:10.159 --> 00:16:13.000 Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 287 00:16:13.559 --> 00:16:17.799 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 288 00:16:18.000 --> 00:16:18.960 AM six forty. 289 00:16:19.519 --> 00:16:21.919 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 290 00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:26.279 AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. All right, 291 00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:28.960 heading to the social media. If you would like to 292 00:16:29.000 --> 00:16:32.279 send me a DM with your relationship question, please know 293 00:16:32.440 --> 00:16:35.720 I will keep your identity anonymous. I'm not saying any 294 00:16:35.799 --> 00:16:38.519 names here, not out to shame anybody. I'm happy to 295 00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:41.320 weigh in on your love life. All right. First up, 296 00:16:41.759 --> 00:16:44.799 dear Doctor Wendy. Oh oh, oh, my gosh, I'm reading it. 297 00:16:44.840 --> 00:16:47.759 I can't believe what I'm about to say. My girlfriend 298 00:16:47.840 --> 00:16:52.639 called out the wrong name during intimacy. Ooh ooh. Is 299 00:16:52.679 --> 00:16:56.519 this worth a conversation or just a natural slip? We're 300 00:16:56.559 --> 00:17:03.200 new to dating each other. I think it's worth a conversation. 301 00:17:04.400 --> 00:17:08.039 But the kind of conversation is what's important here. If 302 00:17:08.039 --> 00:17:13.359 you're accusational, if you feel angry, if you feel insulted, 303 00:17:14.039 --> 00:17:18.559 that's not a good conversation. If you can use it 304 00:17:18.640 --> 00:17:21.759 in a flirtatious way, with a little slap and tickle, 305 00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:25.440 Hey did you say somebody else's name? You cutie, I 306 00:17:25.480 --> 00:17:29.200 can't believe you, And giggle about it and have some 307 00:17:29.400 --> 00:17:32.480 fun with it to let her know. That that's what 308 00:17:32.599 --> 00:17:35.920 you heard, then that's what you should do. I don't 309 00:17:35.920 --> 00:17:39.079 think you should ignore it, though. I mean, if someone 310 00:17:39.079 --> 00:17:40.880 did that to me, i'd bring it up. But you 311 00:17:40.920 --> 00:17:44.200 know me, I'll say it all all right, Move it along, 312 00:17:44.400 --> 00:17:46.480 Dear doctor Wendy. I met a guy in the real world, 313 00:17:46.559 --> 00:17:48.680 So they have to say that now in the real world, 314 00:17:49.039 --> 00:17:52.240 because you have sum that it all happens online. I 315 00:17:52.279 --> 00:17:54.359 met a guy in the real world and we really clicked. 316 00:17:54.440 --> 00:17:58.200 He's smart and super handsome. Ehoo. He revealed that he 317 00:17:58.279 --> 00:18:04.200 hasn't used so in seven years. He believes that humans 318 00:18:04.200 --> 00:18:08.519 don't really need it. I like everything else about him. 319 00:18:08.799 --> 00:18:10.599 Is there a nice way to tell him how gross 320 00:18:10.640 --> 00:18:16.799 this is? Okay? So, first of all, there is plenty 321 00:18:16.839 --> 00:18:19.960 of research out there to show that the number one 322 00:18:20.319 --> 00:18:24.039 thing that gives women the IX causes a feeling of 323 00:18:24.079 --> 00:18:28.599 disgust is poor hygiene in a potential mate. You see, 324 00:18:28.640 --> 00:18:34.119 women are wired to be very defensive and careful to 325 00:18:34.240 --> 00:18:39.039 avoid pathogens, both for themselves and their babies. Right, so 326 00:18:39.079 --> 00:18:43.200 we have a heightened sense of disgust. So you heard this, 327 00:18:43.319 --> 00:18:48.039 he hasn't used soap in seven years. So I'm gonna 328 00:18:48.079 --> 00:18:51.279 ask you this get more information. And the first question 329 00:18:51.319 --> 00:18:55.160 I'm going to ask is is it obvious, like do 330 00:18:55.240 --> 00:19:00.599 you smell it? Is there some odor, some pheromones? If so, 331 00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:03.680 then you're gonna tell him, Hey, dude, I don't like 332 00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:06.279 your pheromone. It's not working for me. Right, just gonna 333 00:19:06.319 --> 00:19:09.759 say it now. If now you're gonna ask him he 334 00:19:09.839 --> 00:19:12.680 says he believes humans don't really need soap, Let's ask 335 00:19:12.759 --> 00:19:14.720 him what he's afraid of in soap. So maybe there 336 00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:16.960 are certain ingredients in soap, and yes, some of them 337 00:19:17.039 --> 00:19:20.119 do have some dangerous ingredients. We know that. Then you 338 00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:24.240 might suggest that he might try a totally natural soap 339 00:19:24.279 --> 00:19:26.440 without all those bad things in them. You might even 340 00:19:26.480 --> 00:19:32.440 buy some as a gift. But maybe he cleans himself 341 00:19:32.960 --> 00:19:39.440 really well with hot water, with a sponge, a scrub brush, 342 00:19:39.440 --> 00:19:43.519 a rough cloth, a back bristle brush, And maybe he's 343 00:19:43.640 --> 00:19:47.039 cleaner than another guy out there who quickly throws on 344 00:19:47.119 --> 00:19:48.920 some soap and does a quick rinse and is done. 345 00:19:49.400 --> 00:19:52.319 I think you need more information about his hygiene routine. 346 00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:57.119 And if you can't smell anything that smells bad, then 347 00:19:57.160 --> 00:20:01.039 he's probably a clean person. He's just not using chemicals 348 00:20:01.039 --> 00:20:03.799 to get himself clean. There might be other ways. You 349 00:20:03.880 --> 00:20:06.319 just need more information. I need to ask about it. 350 00:20:06.480 --> 00:20:12.319 Don't just run away, Dear doctor, Wendy, I feel really 351 00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:17.279 sad because I was single for yet another Valentine's Day. 352 00:20:17.400 --> 00:20:22.799 How can I be more secure about being single? First 353 00:20:22.839 --> 00:20:25.160 of all, you are not alone. There's a lot of 354 00:20:25.160 --> 00:20:30.480 pressure when these Hallmark holidays come up to be you committed. 355 00:20:31.079 --> 00:20:35.319 And I want you to understand this that during our 356 00:20:35.440 --> 00:20:40.559 long life expectancies, at different times of our life, different ages, 357 00:20:40.920 --> 00:20:45.880 we will find ourselves single through breakups, divorce, sadly the 358 00:20:45.920 --> 00:20:49.519 death of a spouse, and there should be nothing shameful 359 00:20:49.559 --> 00:20:54.480 about it. In fact, it's estimated that fifty percent of 360 00:20:54.559 --> 00:20:59.599 adults are unmarried in America, so you're really not alone 361 00:21:00.119 --> 00:21:04.200 with half the population. But something's going on that you 362 00:21:04.240 --> 00:21:07.920 and your therapist should talk about, which is this inside 363 00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:13.000 story you're telling yourself that being single is less than now. Yes, 364 00:21:13.079 --> 00:21:15.200 there are the messages from our culture that are telling 365 00:21:15.240 --> 00:21:17.519 you being in a partnership is important. And let me 366 00:21:17.519 --> 00:21:19.519 tell you, I was a single mom for twenty years. 367 00:21:19.759 --> 00:21:22.519 I get a boyfriend and I get engaged, and everyone's like, congratulations, 368 00:21:22.599 --> 00:21:26.079 Oh my god, congradulate. They're so happy, they're just happy 369 00:21:26.160 --> 00:21:31.319 that I have emotional support in my life. Right, it 370 00:21:31.319 --> 00:21:34.160 doesn't mean I was less loved when I was single. 371 00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:37.880 So I just want you to ask yourself why you 372 00:21:37.880 --> 00:21:42.279 tell yourself this story? What this story? How you're using 373 00:21:42.319 --> 00:21:45.920 this story to continue to lower your self esteem? And 374 00:21:45.960 --> 00:21:49.559 you and your therapist should do some work around this, because, 375 00:21:49.599 --> 00:21:53.279 as my therapist likes to say to me, there's information here. 376 00:21:53.839 --> 00:22:00.440 This is fertile ground for exploration. Let's start digging. Okay, 377 00:22:01.319 --> 00:22:03.960 when we come back, I have more questions. If you 378 00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:06.480 would like to send me a DM on Instagram. Do 379 00:22:06.880 --> 00:22:08.640 if I can't get to it this week, we keep 380 00:22:08.680 --> 00:22:11.759 it for future weeks. I will keep your identity anonymous. 381 00:22:11.799 --> 00:22:14.960 Send it to at d R Wendy Walsh. I'll have 382 00:22:15.000 --> 00:22:16.519 more when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor 383 00:22:16.519 --> 00:22:19.799 Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere 384 00:22:20.000 --> 00:22:21.559 on the iHeartRadio app. 385 00:22:21.920 --> 00:22:26.160 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 386 00:22:26.359 --> 00:22:28.880 AM six forty Welcome. 387 00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:30.920 Back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM 388 00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:33.759 six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I say 389 00:22:33.759 --> 00:22:35.720 that a lot I say in my sleep Live everywhere 390 00:22:35.799 --> 00:22:37.880 on the iHeartRadio app. But honestly, I want to give 391 00:22:37.880 --> 00:22:40.920 you a little commercial for that. You know, in many cars, 392 00:22:41.000 --> 00:22:45.359 AM radio is going away. It's so great to download 393 00:22:45.400 --> 00:22:48.160 the iHeartRadio app. If you miss any part of this show, 394 00:22:48.160 --> 00:22:50.599 if you miss future shows, past shows, whatever, you can 395 00:22:50.680 --> 00:22:52.799 just listen to your favorite shows whenever you want to 396 00:22:52.799 --> 00:22:54.599 listen to them. And you can listen to a live 397 00:22:54.759 --> 00:22:56.880 when you're in the car. You just use your Bluetooth, right, 398 00:22:57.000 --> 00:23:01.200 Just slide it on through. Okay, on to my Instagram 399 00:23:01.359 --> 00:23:04.880 answering your direct messages, your relationship questions. If you want 400 00:23:04.880 --> 00:23:07.599 to send me one, send it to at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, 401 00:23:07.599 --> 00:23:10.680