Speaker 1: Welcome to break Free and Trust a redesign for Living.
Speaker 1: Join me Chris and.
Speaker 2: Me Jacqueline for real conversations about life, death, and everything
Speaker 2: in between.
Speaker 1: Learn to connect with your intrinsic power to grow and heal,
Speaker 1: how to laugh at your own humanness and not take
Speaker 1: life too seriously.
Speaker 2: Through healthy conversations between the feminine and masculine, you learn
Speaker 2: how to harness the power of relationship and the mirror,
Speaker 2: to befriend your shadow, and to trust that any obstacle
Speaker 2: that gets in your way is there to help you grow.
Speaker 1: Together. Working at a practical levels, you learn to trust
Speaker 1: that everything that is happening is for you, your growth and
Speaker 1: ultimate freedom.
Speaker 2: Our circumstances don't matter, it's only how we relate to
Speaker 2: them that does.
Speaker 1: Get ready to be your friend the wisdom of your
Speaker 1: body and the power of your mind.
Speaker 2: Break Free and Trust starts.
Speaker 3: Now, and welcome to break Free and Trust and redesign
Speaker 3: for Living.
Speaker 2: I'm Chris and I'm Jacqueline.
Speaker 3: Last night, as we're getting ready to have a podcast
Speaker 3: on crany sacral therapy, as we'll come back to another podcast, life,
Speaker 3: hit us with a real and personal example of how
Speaker 3: much of the work we talk about on the show.
Speaker 3: Many of our listeners have asked for examples of what
Speaker 3: we mean by the near the projection, our limiting beliefs
Speaker 3: are conditioning, and our programming, and all of this came
Speaker 3: alive for us last night. So we thought this would
Speaker 3: make a fantastic discussion for our listeners, and we would
Speaker 3: turn the conversation into a live coaching session and teaching
Speaker 3: on today's show. So in this episode, Jacqueline gets vulnerable
Speaker 3: with her own awareness regarding her people pleasing tendencies, and
Speaker 3: together we explore the work in real time.
Speaker 2: Hmmm, very conscious of my own vulnerability right now.
Speaker 3: You want to you want to start, You want to
Speaker 3: start by taking us, taking us into the conversation we
Speaker 3: started last.
Speaker 2: Night, not really, but guess so. Chris and I were
Speaker 2: sitting here last night watching a movie and I got
Speaker 2: a message and it was from one of the members
Speaker 2: of a group that I run, sharing some feelings of
Speaker 2: being unsettled and you know, sitting with her, sitting with
Speaker 2: her feelings of vulnerability. And I read it and just
Speaker 2: kept watching the movie. And then our movie ended, and
Speaker 2: I think Chris asked me to do something, and I
Speaker 2: said I was busy, and he could feel something was
Speaker 2: off with me and said okay, and I said, yeah,
Speaker 2: I just need a few minutes. And I sat with
Speaker 2: this feeling that was rising up in me, which I
Speaker 2: can only really describe as a feeling of panic, which
Speaker 2: really caught me off guard. And I noticed myself moved
Speaker 2: into almost unconsciously writing back to this person if anything
Speaker 2: I did upset you, please let's have a conversation. And
Speaker 2: I there was this feeling that was rising up in
Speaker 2: me of needing to fix something, needing to make it right.
Speaker 2: And I didn't send the texts that I was writing.
Speaker 2: I was just noticing what was coming out of me,
Speaker 2: and I sort of took a pause.
Speaker 3: You read something I did.
Speaker 2: Oh yeah. I started writing on my phone but didn't
Speaker 2: send it, and then could feel this feeling rising inside
Speaker 2: of me quite strongly. And that's when I called you
Speaker 2: from the kitchen and said, hey, can I talk to
Speaker 2: you about something. I want to run something by you.
Speaker 2: Because I was witnessing It's almost like I could I
Speaker 2: could experience myself, but I was also doing what we
Speaker 2: speak about all the time about being the observer and
Speaker 2: witness of myself. And I was witnessing this thing arising
Speaker 2: inside of me that was really out of whack with
Speaker 2: the situation but was totally triggering to my nervous system.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's when you came back and the way you
Speaker 3: describe it, even witnessing your hands going to the phone
Speaker 3: to start to write of this text, the text reaction
Speaker 3: in the sense to what was happening. Yeah.
Speaker 2: So so then I called you in and that's where
Speaker 2: our conversation started doing me to take.
Speaker 3: Us, take us further.
Speaker 2: So what was happening for me in that moment was
Speaker 2: this idea of I had run one of many groups
Speaker 2: that I run in the morning, and in that particular group,
Speaker 2: I was pretty flippant about my own sharing. And when
Speaker 2: I say flippant, what I mean is I was pretty
Speaker 2: light about what was happening for me in some of
Speaker 2: my own experiences, which had to do with me really
Speaker 2: witnessing and noticing this people pleasing tendency of mind show
Speaker 2: up all over the place in many different circumstances, which
Speaker 2: for me is a sign that there's some learning that's
Speaker 2: wanting to happen, and there's a shift that's wanting to happen.
Speaker 2: Because most often, and we've spoken about this a lot
Speaker 2: on the podcast, is that the universe won't rest until
Speaker 2: your soul has come to know itself as it is,
Speaker 2: and whatever's in the way of that is going to
Speaker 2: show itself, which can lead us into all kinds of
Speaker 2: cycles like the drama triangle and the blame victim cycle,
Speaker 2: but at one point or another, hopefully for most of us,
Speaker 2: what shows up is this awareness that the universe is
Speaker 2: delivering us all of these opportunities to learn something if
Speaker 2: we're willing to really look inside. And so for me,
Speaker 2: what's been happening is all of these different opportunities which
Speaker 2: feel terrible at different ways. I'm not gonna why around
Speaker 2: seeing where maybe I displease, maybe I'm turning people away,
Speaker 2: maybe I'm saying no in situations where I would have
Speaker 2: said yes. And this people pleasing desire that I've had
Speaker 2: forever is sort of being shattered or broken up. And
Speaker 2: so I was sharing some of that on the call
Speaker 2: in the morning, but I was doing it in what
Speaker 2: I would say, maybe more a more irreverage way then
Speaker 2: I might normally facilitate. And so when I got this text,
Speaker 2: what I felt immediately was was not, oh, no, I
Speaker 2: hope this person is okay what she going through? How
Speaker 2: can I serve her? It went into oh no, what
Speaker 2: did I do to create the situation, which means, all
Speaker 2: of a sudden, my ego I was playing itself out.
Speaker 2: I'm at the center of the universe somehow, and I'm
Speaker 2: responsible for whatever's happening for her. And it created a
Speaker 2: tremendous amount of panic in me. Actually, and the stories
Speaker 2: that I created in my head, we're getting bigger. And
Speaker 2: so I called Chris in because I was conscious of
Speaker 2: that and really wanted and needed, I needed some coaching
Speaker 2: around it so that I didn't take it even further.
Speaker 3: So, yeah, and he said so much in there too,
Speaker 3: And like, you know, one of the thing that jumps
Speaker 3: out to me, just in that it sounds like a
Speaker 3: small thing, but that that pausing and not jumping into
Speaker 3: the reaction, the witnessing, and then even and even calling
Speaker 3: me in and say this needs to be explored. I mean,
Speaker 3: that's to me, that's just the definition of awareness. And
Speaker 3: some people will call it awakening into awareness is to recognize,
Speaker 3: like you said it beautifully, Wait a minute, maybe I'm
Speaker 3: not the center of the universe. And maybe because I think,
Speaker 3: I think until we become aware of it, we sort
Speaker 3: of unconsciously go around thinking we're like, you know, we're
Speaker 3: like we're our own individual sons and everything's rotating around us.
Speaker 3: Everything anyone does, everything that says, any thoughts people have
Speaker 3: all have to do with us. So we're taking everything personally.
Speaker 3: No matter what's going on, we're personalizing. It's just hitting
Speaker 3: our ego one way or another. And it's that first
Speaker 3: awareness that wait a minute, I'm not the center of
Speaker 3: the universe. This person has their own life. People do
Speaker 3: things all the time that have nothing to do with me.
Speaker 3: In fact, ninety nine point nine nine percent of the
Speaker 3: time what people are doing have nothing to do with me,
Speaker 3: and I'm personalizing it. And so taking that pause and
Speaker 3: break and recognizing, Okay, I have personalized something. I'm feeling triggered,
Speaker 3: I'm about to react it in a predictable, conditioned way.
Speaker 3: I'm going to put the pause on this, and I
Speaker 3: want to get in. I want to I want to
Speaker 3: observe this, either myself or someone I can trust in
Speaker 3: the observation.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think it's really worth noting that this
Speaker 2: idea of the universe revolving around us doesn't just look
Speaker 2: like the quote unquote selfish things that we talk about,
Speaker 2: or the arrogant ways that we speak of or that
Speaker 2: we look at things. It also looks like the places
Speaker 2: of did I cause harm? Did I cause damage? Are
Speaker 2: my words the root of somebody's upset?
Speaker 3: Yea, am I being judgeable as people think of me?
Speaker 3: Did I do the right thing? Well, like all that
Speaker 3: stuff is, we're at the center of everything.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, and you said something which I find you know,
Speaker 4: it's interesting to hear it on this side of things
Speaker 4: because in that moment of awareness, like you speaking, I
Speaker 4: don't feel like.
Speaker 2: Wow, look at me, look at my observer, look at
Speaker 2: my witness. I'm so aware. It's the opposite experience. It's terrible.
Speaker 2: It's a horrible feeling and one that yeah, one that
Speaker 2: can feel it makes well. It made me feel really
Speaker 2: small in that moment, and and actually quite you know,
Speaker 2: that panic left me feeling quite young.
Speaker 3: Mm hm, which makes sense because again it's the ego.
Speaker 3: The persona is a service, it's a it's a your
Speaker 3: based survival mechanism that was built in our adult in
Speaker 3: your childhood that's now followed you as an adult and
Speaker 3: it's been activated. So there's that little scared part of
Speaker 3: you that's now activated. And when you when you have
Speaker 3: this observation, look back at what it's doing. Can't it
Speaker 3: can't not help make you feel like a little child again.
Speaker 3: And Gurga calls it calls awakening. You're away, can get
Speaker 3: the horror of the situation. Wow, look look at how
Speaker 3: I'm about to act. And you said, you said, I'm
Speaker 3: very honest and very vulnerable there. My concern wasn't necessarily
Speaker 3: for the other person. It was did I do something wrong?
Speaker 2: Yeah? And so you know, this is this place of
Speaker 2: like we speak about transparency, and this is this place
Speaker 2: of extreme transparency where what's actually happening for me in
Speaker 2: those moments? And this is where you and I got
Speaker 2: to in our conversation yesterday, was that these acts of
Speaker 2: tending to are caring for another person in that moment,
Speaker 2: or that's that's sort of the veil. What it's actually
Speaker 2: about is this incredible feeling of a lack of safety
Speaker 2: in my own body. And in that feeling of a
Speaker 2: lack of safety, I'm seeking out. I'm pursuing whatever it
Speaker 2: is that's going to help calm.
Speaker 3: My own nervous system.
Speaker 2: And it looks like taking care of it, looks like concern.
Speaker 2: But in truth, It has nothing to do with it.
Speaker 2: It has to do with me looking for my life
Speaker 2: vest or life raft, because in that moment, what I'm
Speaker 2: actually tapping into is what's underneath the conditioning of people
Speaker 2: pleasing is fear. And I learned how to modulate my
Speaker 2: fear by taking care of other people and controlling my
Speaker 2: environment in such a way that would allow my insights
Speaker 2: to feel harmony. But what it looked like I was
Speaker 2: doing was creating harmony on the outside.
Speaker 3: Yeah, active persona takes on these character attributes that are
Speaker 3: meant effectively, meant to manage our fears in one or another,
Speaker 3: and so different people have different attributes depending on their fears.
Speaker 3: What is Can you name the fear or try to
Speaker 3: name the fear that so people pleasing is the action?
Speaker 3: What was the fear that people pleasing was in response to?
Speaker 2: Well, first, I want to say that I'm not sure
Speaker 2: that that fear totally has words. There's a belief underneath
Speaker 2: it that has words, but the fear itself is just
Speaker 2: It's truly just a feeling of panic. Nervous system is
Speaker 2: to my nervous system was sent into panic, and I
Speaker 2: recognize the panic because I've been witnessing this process for
Speaker 2: a while and with way bigger things that happened on
Speaker 2: the outside. But what we came to yesterday as we
Speaker 2: were sort of working to break it down and understand it,
Speaker 2: was this feeling of or a belief that I've probably
Speaker 2: walked around with since I was a really really little girl,
Speaker 2: of I'm bad and and I'm bad is my If
Speaker 2: my environment isn't okay, everybody's working okay, it's because I'm bad.
Speaker 2: It's I'm bad. And so I really went into that
Speaker 2: last night in witnessing what was happening, and through our conversation,
Speaker 2: I really went into this like I replayed the whole
Speaker 2: conversation that happened in that group that morning to be
Speaker 2: able to look for. And all I was looking for
Speaker 2: was where did I do something that was bad that
Speaker 2: could have created this reaction?
Speaker 3: And there there's another learning belief that go along with it,
Speaker 3: which is more in the and the action front, is
Speaker 3: that I'm bad to my responsibility and a limiting belief
Speaker 3: that I can come and control the situation to make
Speaker 3: it better.
Speaker 2: So I'm not sure if I would call that a
Speaker 2: limiting belief. I think that's the action that gets taken
Speaker 2: in order to manage the fear of the limiting belief, like,
Speaker 2: that's that's the that's the reaction.
Speaker 3: Could be Yeah, yeah, I can. I mean yes, and
Speaker 3: I can also, but I can also see this, and
Speaker 3: I can only speak for my own limiting belief system,
Speaker 3: which one is I can control my external environment. That
Speaker 3: is a strong limiting belief. I have zero control over
Speaker 3: my external environment. I can control how I react to it.
Speaker 3: I can control my emotional responses, but I can't control
Speaker 3: how other people feel or think, or or how they act.
Speaker 3: And so when I catch myself all the time moving
Speaker 3: into action based on my fear of being rejected or
Speaker 3: banned or misunderstood, it's like, oh, I believe I can
Speaker 3: control this, and I can't. I just need to it.
Speaker 3: So I'm probably projecting mind projecting my.
Speaker 1: Yah.
Speaker 2: That's fair.
Speaker 4: Mhm.
Speaker 2: How do your limiting beliefs play out in terms of
Speaker 2: how you react emotionally to situations? I describe my feeling
Speaker 2: as one of panic and fear.
Speaker 3: What happens for you, it's, you know, the physiological one
Speaker 3: is really it's I'm really aware of it now because
Speaker 3: it's it's a shortness of breath, you know, through through
Speaker 3: a lot of a lot of various practic breathing practice
Speaker 3: and yoga that's not quite good at at modulating my breath.
Speaker 3: I breathe well now I didn't used to, and so
Speaker 3: now I'm really sensitive. Oh I'm breathing shallow, I'm breathing
Speaker 3: through my mouth. I'm activated now and that's and that's
Speaker 3: the place that sends me. Okay, now this is that
Speaker 3: that's to me signaling this feeling of anxiety that I'm
Speaker 3: aware of now. And then I go into what are
Speaker 3: the now? What thoughts? Am I generator here? And I
Speaker 3: can see these thoughts of of oh, I need to
Speaker 3: I need to make this person understand me, or I
Speaker 3: need to change this, or I don't I don't want
Speaker 3: someone to feel that way, and then I and then
Speaker 3: then I can break it down to that that limiting
Speaker 3: belief how I control my environment.
Speaker 2: So I know we're taking things in a little bit
Speaker 2: of a different direction than we started with. But I
Speaker 2: want to just name this because I think it's actually
Speaker 2: really important. Is what you said is your first awareness
Speaker 2: that something is off is that your breath is short,
Speaker 2: So your breath becomes shallow.
Speaker 3: A mouth breathed, and you start to mouth breathe.
Speaker 2: So I'm naming that because one of the most important
Speaker 2: things that we can do in terms of working with
Speaker 2: this stuff as it shows up for us. And I
Speaker 2: say working with because I'm hard pressed to believe that
Speaker 2: this stuff doesn't show up for everybody at some point
Speaker 2: or another, and we can either work with it or
Speaker 2: we can resist it. Resisting it means that we just
Speaker 2: continue the same pattern, and then we're going to be
Speaker 2: bombarded with more and more opportunities to learn and to
Speaker 2: surrender the pattern, or we work with it, or as
Speaker 2: the teacher of mind WANs used to speak, actually all
Speaker 2: the time, is we learn how to dance with it,
Speaker 2: and then it stops having control over us. One of
Speaker 2: the most important ways to be able to do that
Speaker 2: is to be able to notice on a physiological level
Speaker 2: what the first sign that we're moving into a reactive
Speaker 2: pattern is. Because if I can move into that first sign,
Speaker 2: and for Chris, that first sign is shallow breathing, then
Speaker 2: as soon as I notice that I begin to shallow breathe,
Speaker 2: I can do something to interrupt that pattern by either
Speaker 2: taking in a slong, deep breath, by getting up, by
Speaker 2: moving anything that interrupts the pattern from continuing the way
Speaker 2: that it begins, and in doing that, the neural circuit
Speaker 2: that moves into Chris's need to control or be understood
Speaker 2: or do whatever is interrupted and a new neural circuit
Speaker 2: can begin to be built. So just interrupting the pattern
Speaker 2: at the beginning can shift Chris from moving into an
Speaker 2: anxiety filled pattern into a much calmer, more aware way
Speaker 2: of being. That makes sense, does Yeah, So ways that
Speaker 2: you can interrupt patterns, There's countless ways you can interrupt patterns,
Speaker 2: and you can say, you know, it could be that
Speaker 2: you get up. It could be that you clap, It
Speaker 2: could be if you're in a meeting that you flick
Speaker 2: your leg. It could be that you take a deep breath.
Speaker 2: It doesn't matter what it is, as long as it's
Speaker 2: interrupting what normally you would have. And the earlier you
Speaker 2: catch it, the easier it is to shift.
Speaker 3: Totally. Yeah, And for me, it's just quite simple. I
Speaker 3: just once I recognize your shallow breathing, I'm just like, oh, okay,
Speaker 3: I just need to deepen my breathing. It's really that
Speaker 3: simple and just go back to a very conscious breath inhaling,
Speaker 3: deeply filling my belly for full of air exhaling, watching
Speaker 3: the path of that breath in and out. I only
Speaker 3: have to do that but five or six times, and
Speaker 3: suddenly I feel my central nervous system calm down and
Speaker 3: then I can go to the stage where, okay, get
Speaker 3: let's look into what's happening here. Let's observe what the
Speaker 3: sequence of events were that led me to this place
Speaker 3: of being triggered, and and I can learn from it,
Speaker 3: I can adjust from it.
Speaker 2: It's great. So do you want to take us back
Speaker 2: to last night?
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's interesting. So like when we were having
Speaker 3: that conversation, and it was it ended up being a
Speaker 3: little bit of a coaching session totally. And I'm a
Speaker 3: deep coach. It's what I what I do, and so
Speaker 3: Jack and and for couples out there, when we sat down,
Speaker 3: Jacqueline gave me permission to coach it, right, That's an
Speaker 3: important thing. I don't try to coach you with information
Speaker 3: because it's not it's not what you want. Sometimes I
Speaker 3: hear about it. That's why I'm saying I Jacqulie gave
Speaker 3: me permis to coaches. I put I jumped into my
Speaker 3: coaching modality and we've talked about all sorts of tools
Speaker 3: and things like that to help with that. And there's
Speaker 3: the drama triangle and things like that. I sort of
Speaker 3: invoked the four Agreements last night. That's that's the place
Speaker 3: I went to help to help look at this situation.
Speaker 3: Why have I mentioned talk about that a little bit?
Speaker 2: I don't, but I just want to enter up for
Speaker 2: one second and just share that. HM. The reason why
Speaker 2: I asked Chris to coach me around this was one
Speaker 2: I was witnessing a pattern that I've experienced many times
Speaker 2: and I really wanted I needed help in that moment
Speaker 2: to shift it because I was being triggered into what
Speaker 2: I said was panic. But it's you know, Chris has
Speaker 2: lots of coaching tools. I've got lots of coaching tools.
Speaker 2: It wasn't his coaching tools that I was looking for.
Speaker 2: What I was looking for was a space that felt
Speaker 2: safe for me to be able to speak what was
Speaker 2: really happening for me, which was and panicking and I'm
Speaker 2: panicking and I need I need help because I'm not
Speaker 2: able to stop this process in this moment. But what
Speaker 2: I really needed was a place of non judgment. And
Speaker 2: so we don't need to be coaches in order to
Speaker 2: be able to hold each other in these places. But
Speaker 2: what we do, but what we do need, is to
Speaker 2: be able to recognize that there's a common humanity in
Speaker 2: these experiences, and they might look really different for everybody,
Speaker 2: but the common humanity is that we all have egos.
Speaker 2: Our egos are operating unconsciously, and sometimes our egos are
Speaker 2: going to get in our way, and our limiting beliefs
Speaker 2: and our old stories are going to prevent us from
Speaker 2: being the people that we want to be, or are
Speaker 2: going to hijack our nervousness in such a way that
Speaker 2: we can't be who we want to be, or we
Speaker 2: can't quiet and come down and reaching out for support,
Speaker 2: needs to feel safe. In other words, I didn't ask,
Speaker 2: I didn't reach out to him wanting judgment or to
Speaker 2: feel small or belittled, because here I was re enacting
Speaker 2: a pattern that I've acted out many times. What I
Speaker 2: needed was it's okay, it's okay. We all have these
Speaker 2: places inside of us. Let me help you find your
Speaker 2: way through yours. And that, more than invoking the Four
Speaker 2: Agreements or any other coaching tool, gave me capacity to
Speaker 2: be able to actually take a good look inside and
Speaker 2: I think it's really important that we share that because
Speaker 2: one a lot of a lot of you as listeners
Speaker 2: may think like, oh great, you guys can do this
Speaker 2: work because you're equipped to do this work. It's our
Speaker 2: skill set is more of a deep listening and our
Speaker 2: capacity to hold space for each other because we are
Speaker 2: constantly doing our work than it is any training that
Speaker 2: we've had to be able to do it. And so
Speaker 2: I share that because it's possible for us to do
Speaker 2: this work with all kinds of people if we're willing
Speaker 2: to be able to build a stance of an open.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm really glad. I'm really glad you start love
Speaker 3: except the stage of facts, because it's that's right. It's
Speaker 3: it's very much setting the mind judgment into space and
Speaker 3: more conversation. The conversation. Last night I spent the first
Speaker 3: part of just listening, just listening and not even asking
Speaker 3: a whole exploratory questions, just listening and watching and listen
Speaker 3: to you on the land before I said a word,
Speaker 3: and creating that safety and in a sense within that
Speaker 3: men feeling the moment where that safety has been established
Speaker 3: and gone to a deeper level than to start a
Speaker 3: conversation which maybe will come back to in the second half.
Speaker 3: And we are back and I think we're left off.
Speaker 3: We just had just a brief induction about how we
Speaker 3: set up that coaching and listening environment conversation as we
Speaker 3: talk about four weeks. And you know, I'm a bit
Speaker 3: of a when it comes when it comes to coaching
Speaker 3: and this type of modality, I'm a bit of a
Speaker 3: bit of a model guy like I liked. I like
Speaker 3: to see if they was through models of the human
Speaker 3: general human condition and the four agreements the drama tryangle
Speaker 3: things like this. They're just models of the general human condition.
Speaker 3: It's idea that we have an ego or something beneath
Speaker 3: that ego. We're all a human and our egos our
Speaker 3: reactor system. So what the agreements is. It might be
Speaker 3: a book that many of you have read. It very
Speaker 3: popularly spiritual book written by remember's name, Miguel, and it's
Speaker 3: based on when the Toll. Text goes back thousands of
Speaker 3: years and it has four very simple what they call
Speaker 3: agreements or ways of being that if you if you
Speaker 3: follow these foregings, you have a good chance of having
Speaker 3: a very sort of peaceful existence. And when your piece
Speaker 3: is disrupted it's very high probability that you're in violation
Speaker 3: of one of these four agreements. The four agreements are one,
Speaker 3: be immaculate with your word, and it can also mean
Speaker 3: immaculate with your thoughts, but I'm absolutely immacuate with your word.
Speaker 3: What you say matters. The second is don't don't take
Speaker 3: things personally. There just don't make assumptions. And the fourth
Speaker 3: is always do your best. Really really simple, and brought
Speaker 3: I brought those up to Jacqueline in this conversation.
Speaker 2: Really really simple, but also really really hard.
Speaker 3: Really hard, and I mean it's so wise. The one
Speaker 3: I brought up, I said, you know, I asked, I asked,
Speaker 3: which which are the four agreements? You know, because Jaquelines
Speaker 3: are very familiar with thing do you think maybe in
Speaker 3: violation of here or may becoming in conflict with And
Speaker 3: the obvious one that jumped up was don't take things personally.
Speaker 3: And I just want to expand them all a little bit.
Speaker 3: It's this idea that it's the ideot that we're this
Speaker 3: sort of our own this we believe in the center
Speaker 3: of the university everything revolves around us, and we believe
Speaker 3: that when people are saying things or thinking things, you're
Speaker 3: doing things, they're doing it to respect to us. This
Speaker 3: agreement points out that they're not because people are doing
Speaker 3: exactly what you're doing. I'm doing in Jacqueline's doing is
Speaker 3: we're thinking about ourselves about ninety seven percent of the time,
Speaker 3: and we're not thinking about other people. We're not sitting
Speaker 3: around thinking about what's going on with all these other
Speaker 3: people and how they're feeling whatnot. We're sitting here thinking
Speaker 3: about ourselves and our own thoughts, and we are so
Speaker 3: is everybody else. So when people are doing things, it's
Speaker 3: not about you. When someone says something that you think
Speaker 3: is directed to you, it's probably not about you. So
Speaker 3: don't take things on, don't take it personally. That's the
Speaker 3: first one. And the second one that's really relevant here
Speaker 3: is don't make assumptions. Again, this idea that we think
Speaker 3: we know what's going on, that we have any control
Speaker 3: over the environment around us is somewhat ludicrous. We simply
Speaker 3: need to know. We don't know, and almost all of
Speaker 3: our assumptions, and I'll say all of our assumptions are wrong.
Speaker 3: We just don't know how our assumptions are wrong. So
Speaker 3: those are the two Those are the two things that
Speaker 3: showed up in this conversation. So I want to bring
Speaker 3: these back now to the actual event that happened. Okay,
Speaker 3: what were you taking personally? Where were you taking things personally?
Speaker 2: Mmmm? The feeling that this group member was having immediately
Speaker 2: as soon as as soon as she spoke it, what
Speaker 2: I what I did was go into what did I
Speaker 2: do to make her feel this way? And I played
Speaker 2: back numerous different moments where oh, my goodness, I said this,
Speaker 2: and maybe I was flippant, or I didn't take this
Speaker 2: very reverently, or I was not being very serious in
Speaker 2: my responses, or wait a minute, I sit in the
Speaker 2: role of facilitator and often in the role of teacher.
Speaker 2: Maybe maybe I was operating in a way that was
Speaker 2: beneath that. Maybe I wasn't being maybe I wasn't upholding
Speaker 2: specific role or way of being, et cetera, et cetera.
Speaker 2: I mean I kind of went, Yeah, I circled the drain.
Speaker 3: Yeah. And within that, even talking there, you went into
Speaker 3: the other truths. Were you market with your work? You
Speaker 3: did you actually did you say anything that you're aware
Speaker 3: of at the time that wasn't that wasn't an integrity?
Speaker 2: Yeah? And and did I not do my best in
Speaker 2: that given moment. And the interesting piece about all of
Speaker 2: them is that you know, Chris and I talk, we
Speaker 2: I think we even we did. We did a podcast
Speaker 2: last year on what it means to be a teacher,
Speaker 2: and so much of what we believe in in terms
Speaker 2: of teaching means we're walking with We're we're in process with,
Speaker 2: we're living with we It's not like we've we've hit
Speaker 2: some place and we know better then.
Speaker 1: And so in in that.
Speaker 2: Meeting, what I was doing was I was engaging on
Speaker 2: an equal playing field with doing exactly what I teach
Speaker 2: about doing all the time. But the moment that I
Speaker 2: got scared and I got panicky, what I went into
Speaker 2: was questioning was I immaculate with my wife?
Speaker 3: Was I doing my best?
Speaker 2: All of a sudden, I was taking things incredibly personally,
Speaker 2: like I was the cause of her upset, and I
Speaker 2: made all kinds of assumptions about how she was feeled.
Speaker 3: An interesting thing just with then taking it personally. There,
Speaker 3: you weren't the only one there. There's a there's a
Speaker 3: whole bunch of other people in this group. So it's
Speaker 3: that you can even refine it. I'm one in your
Speaker 3: one individual amongst your broader group. This person has your
Speaker 3: own thing going on, and now I'm taking it personally.
Speaker 3: And the harder way to say it is like, like,
Speaker 3: who do you think you are? To make it all
Speaker 3: about you? Right? And that's the and that's the reality,
Speaker 3: and that's that's sometimes what I mean, that's some myself talk.
Speaker 3: When I this, it's like, wait a minute, who do
Speaker 3: I think I am thinking this has anything to do
Speaker 3: with me? I'm not that important?
Speaker 2: Well, and I think I think what's important in that
Speaker 2: is to be able to actually ask that question, right, Like,
Speaker 2: it's a really hard thing to look at yourself in
Speaker 2: the mirror and go, who the hell do you think
Speaker 2: you are? To make this about you? Yes, we don't
Speaker 2: want to ask ourselves those questions.
Speaker 3: That's why are you? Why are you so important? Why
Speaker 3: are you so special? But this is about you.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a really hard thing to do. I mean,
Speaker 2: we can feel really small doing those things. But that's
Speaker 2: the level of work that's required in order to get
Speaker 2: really honest and break some of these patterns is to
Speaker 2: have those really honest conversations. And part of the reason
Speaker 2: why we're sharing it with you right now is because
Speaker 2: it did it came up fully alive for me last night.
Speaker 2: Chris served as an incredible partner and coach for me
Speaker 2: in it. But it requires a tremendous amount of humility,
Speaker 2: and in those moments, that humility feels really row, it
Speaker 2: feels really painful. It felt that way for me last night,
Speaker 2: And it's from that place that we're wanting to share
Speaker 2: with you because we are in it with you and
Speaker 2: we're still growing all the time. I think that one
Speaker 2: of the beauties of our experiences is that because we
Speaker 2: are constantly growing and learning, rather than these moments actually
Speaker 2: in the moment they feel terrible, but as they pass,
Speaker 2: it becomes this opportunity. It becomes a growth filled opportunity,
Speaker 2: and recognizing that each time one of these things happened,
Speaker 2: there's an opportunity to free ourselves of the shackles of
Speaker 2: that limiting belief of I am bad and then the
Speaker 2: behavior that follows it, which is to please in order
Speaker 2: not to feel it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and that the part of it's hard. It just
Speaker 3: reminded me of a a It's like a Jesus quote
Speaker 3: that shows up in Luke. The truth will set you free,
Speaker 3: but first it'll make you miserable and It's so true.
Speaker 3: It's so true because this, when you see this, you
Speaker 3: really start looking into this and deserving it, which you
Speaker 3: know many people never had that inside look about what's
Speaker 3: going on with me. Am I taking things personally like.
Speaker 3: But when you start doing that, it's really hard because
Speaker 3: you're exposing parts of yourself you have you've hidden from
Speaker 3: yourself your whole life, and you don't want to see.
Speaker 3: It's not fun looking at it's not fun observing it.
Speaker 3: But the more you observe it, the more you get
Speaker 3: into it, the less it holds you, and it just
Speaker 3: starts dissolving and fading away.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and what Christa said is really important because the
Speaker 2: masks that we wear aren't just masks that we wear
Speaker 2: to protect others from seeing us. The masks we wear
Speaker 2: are really designed to protect us from experiencing our deepest vulnerabilities.
Speaker 2: And it's only in exploring those deepest vulnerabilities that we
Speaker 2: can really find freedom.
Speaker 3: It's true. You know, there's a term that awakening gets
Speaker 3: thrown around a lot. I use it too, but I
Speaker 3: take using a very simple context and that I'm awakening
Speaker 3: to the fact that I'm conditioned, because if I'm not
Speaker 3: aware that I'm conditioned, and I haven't looked at how
Speaker 3: I'm conditioned, and I'm sleep at that conditioning. I'm just
Speaker 3: I'm just mechanical. I'm just I'm just reacting to all
Speaker 3: my fear based patternings and trying to survive. And when
Speaker 3: that awareness comes into I need to I want to
Speaker 3: look at my conditioning. That's the awakening awareness process, and
Speaker 3: it just takes time to unravel the whole thing. And
Speaker 3: there's so much of us, so many parts of us
Speaker 3: that are even when we start looking and they're obscured
Speaker 3: from us and hidden from us, that will show up
Speaker 3: in the weirdest places. And the further we go down
Speaker 3: this path, it's taking every single one of those reactions
Speaker 3: as a learning opportunity. Aha, there it is again. Now
Speaker 3: I must go in and look inside of what's happening
Speaker 3: within me. I know it's nothing to do with my
Speaker 3: external environment. This is all internal, and the external environment
Speaker 3: is my it's my it's my training ground, it's my
Speaker 3: opportunity to learn about myself.
Speaker 2: That's all this is. So you say that and all
Speaker 2: of a sudden, just as an example, because this has
Speaker 2: come up so loudly for me for the last six months,
Speaker 2: let's say, I mean probably longer than that, but very
Speaker 2: loud over the last six months is I can see
Speaker 2: how my kids are showing up to like to wake
Speaker 2: this up to me. I see how family members are
Speaker 2: showing up to wake this up in me. I can
Speaker 2: see how clients are showing up to wake this up
Speaker 2: in me. And I can really see how the universe
Speaker 2: is aligning in order to teach me what it is
Speaker 2: that has been obscured for my awareness for as long
Speaker 2: as I can remember. In those moments, you know, I,
Speaker 2: in those moments, it can feel like life, life is
Speaker 2: against me. Why are all these terrible things happening? Why
Speaker 2: is this showing up and that showing up? And it
Speaker 2: all happening at the same time. Poor me, But actually
Speaker 2: lucky you, because if all of these things are aligning,
Speaker 2: then there's something happening where one you are ready to
Speaker 2: learn a lesson that you may not have been ready
Speaker 2: for before, and all of these people are aligning with
Speaker 2: you learning that lesson. If you will open the door
Speaker 2: and find the humility to learn what's wanting to show
Speaker 2: itself to you. If you do that, and if you
Speaker 2: can approach it in that way, then the universe is benevolent.
Speaker 2: If you can't approach it in that way because it
Speaker 2: feels too much, then you're a victim to life circumstances.
Speaker 2: One leaves you feeling empowered and life isn't a bit
Speaker 2: of an adventure, sometimes a bit of a roller coaster.
Speaker 2: The other leaves you feeling like you're stuck in a
Speaker 2: swamp and there's not much you can do to change.
Speaker 3: Yeah, we're talking. It's in our show opener, you know,
Speaker 3: because understand that life's not happening to you. It's happening
Speaker 3: for you. Everything in life is happening for you, is
Speaker 3: what we talk about. But it goes beyond that. There's
Speaker 3: these these these these stages of how we relate to
Speaker 3: these circumstances. You mentioned them. Oh my god, it's all
Speaker 3: happening to me. I can't believe it. Everything's so unfair.
Speaker 3: It's all happening to me. And that's that real victim identification,
Speaker 3: and we can move out of that. Well, it's not
Speaker 3: happening to me, it's happening by me. I'm making this
Speaker 3: stuff happen. I'm the driver, I'm controlling my environment. I'm
Speaker 3: making all this stuff.
Speaker 2: You're tacking back into one of your models.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and it's it's and that's a different power
Speaker 3: than you know, being at the mercy of life. But
Speaker 3: it's still one in which I need to control online environment,
Speaker 3: and it's still not one that's self reflective where you're
Speaker 3: looking at Wait a minute, what's what's going on within me.
Speaker 3: It's almost like I'm going to ignore my internals and
Speaker 3: I'm going to do that by driving the outside rule
Speaker 3: and it's probably gonna come with a lot of suffering
Speaker 3: at some stage. And then we move into oh my god,
Speaker 3: it's happening for me. And as soon as you make
Speaker 3: that shift into it's happening for me, this is the
Speaker 3: embodied state. And if you're there and you're experiencing that, well,
Speaker 3: I think you're in fifteen percent of the population that's
Speaker 3: now approaching life even sometimes like that, and that if
Speaker 3: it's happening for me and it's painful, then it must
Speaker 3: be a lesson. It must be like touching the hot stove.
Speaker 3: I burn myself because I'm learning not to touch the
Speaker 3: hot stove. If I'm finding this painful, there's a lesson
Speaker 3: in here that I that I need to explore. And
Speaker 3: the only answer is inside me. There's no answer outside
Speaker 3: of me for this lesson. It's inside of me. Okay,
Speaker 3: can I can I step into this place where I'm
Speaker 3: going to go look inside with myself, with a friend,
Speaker 3: with a coach whoever, to try to unravel what the
Speaker 3: lesson is. And as you keep going along this and
Speaker 3: more and more a step into this place where it's
Speaker 3: not happening to me, buy me, for me, it's just
Speaker 3: all happening through me. Right. That's the that's the that's
Speaker 3: the closer to closest to the top of the mountain.
Speaker 3: You start in that state, and that's the flow state.
Speaker 3: That's the that's the state of ultimate ultimate piece. There's
Speaker 3: no good, there's no bad, there's no writers wrong. It's
Speaker 3: just happening, man, And I'm just here to experience it.
Speaker 3: That's it. That's all I have to do. And I'm
Speaker 3: going to choose to experience it by just going with
Speaker 3: the flow and being in peace and not fighting any
Speaker 3: of it.
Speaker 2: You know, I think one of the one of the
Speaker 2: biggest shifts that happens from it happening for me to
Speaker 2: its happening through me is letting go of judgment. M
Speaker 2: there's that place of can I can I meet what
Speaker 2: is with neutrality, and and we have so much judgment
Speaker 2: of ourselves that unlike unpeeling those layers of judgment and
Speaker 2: where they come from is essential to get to a
Speaker 2: place where we can just allow what's happening to move
Speaker 2: through us without resist. And that's freedom MHM.
Speaker 3: And all and all the roots to it. You know
Speaker 3: that you are these things, you know, you don't judge,
Speaker 3: don't judge others, forgive your enemies. All these things, these
Speaker 3: are the They appear external, but they're all hacks for
Speaker 3: you do it to yourself. The real, the real objective
Speaker 3: in all this work is to not judge yourselves, to
Speaker 3: forgive ourselves, to accept ourselves, and to find peace within ourselves,
Speaker 3: because the rest of us will take care of itself
Speaker 3: once we do that.
Speaker 2: And I think a big piece of that is to
Speaker 2: recognize that the only real enemies that any of us
Speaker 2: have are the ones that we create internally with our stories.
Speaker 3: And our limiting beliefs. Say more of that, I can.
Speaker 2: We spend so much time looking externally for everything, whether
Speaker 2: it's for acknowledgment, or it's for judgment, if it's for recognition, significance,
Speaker 2: all of those things, and yet really our outside world
Speaker 2: is only serving to mirror what's happening in our inner world.
Speaker 2: If our judge is very present inside, belittling us every
Speaker 2: step of the way, then what we are going to
Speaker 2: have reflected to us outside is a world full of judges,
Speaker 2: because the outside world is just going to show us
Speaker 2: it's going to it serves to mirror for us what
Speaker 2: our inner world looks like. And so the softer we
Speaker 2: become with ourselves, the softer our outer world becomes with us,
Speaker 2: which then means that the biggest enemy that we have
Speaker 2: to confront is the enemy that we've created. And the
Speaker 2: interesting piece is piece of us that we created to
Speaker 2: judge or diminish ourselves, was created to serve us at
Speaker 2: some point, to serve us in a moment, to protect
Speaker 2: us in a moment. But it became the thing that
Speaker 2: started to drive everything that we did. And that's why
Speaker 2: it's so hard to get to. That's why it's layer
Speaker 2: upon layer, and a willingness to be deeply humble with ourselves,
Speaker 2: to go looking inside because the answer is always inside.
Speaker 2: And you know you've shared something with me this morning.
Speaker 2: I don't know if you can pull it up or not.
Speaker 2: You probably have to go yeah, into your phone. But
Speaker 2: that piece really touched me. And I'm going to get
Speaker 2: Chris to read it for you, but first I just
Speaker 2: want to say why it touched me so deeply. It
Speaker 2: touched me because so much of this work is really
Speaker 2: in the witness and in the observer. It's in growing
Speaker 2: our capacity daily to be able to see ourselves as
Speaker 2: we are, not as we think we should be, not
Speaker 2: as we'd like ourselves to be seen, but as we are,
Speaker 2: and being able to witness those parts of ourselves non judgmentally,
Speaker 2: because when we can, those parts of us begin to dissolve.
Speaker 2: The more we watch without judgment and allow those parts
Speaker 2: that say, the people pleasing part of me that shows
Speaker 2: up because of a belief that somehow, somewhere I'm not
Speaker 2: good enough, I'm bad. If I can watch that, witness it,
Speaker 2: even with company, witness it with somebody, it no longer
Speaker 2: needs to hold the same value as it has in
Speaker 2: the past, and it starts to dissolve. And it's Christian,
Speaker 2: Murdy Christian.
Speaker 3: And I want to add to that, I love it.
Speaker 3: I thank it because it got you here, and you
Speaker 3: wouldn't be here without that survival mechanism. It was part
Speaker 3: of it. You needed that to be here, but you
Speaker 3: don't need it anymore, but you can love it and
Speaker 3: integrate it. It's not a bad thing. It's not that
Speaker 3: we're pushing away. We're integrating it, we're embracing it. It's
Speaker 3: the inner child in those terminologies that you're putting a
Speaker 3: hot around.
Speaker 2: So I want to give you a shout in response
Speaker 2: to that, because that energy that you just talked about about,
Speaker 2: how we meet ourselves with that kind of love. It's
Speaker 2: with that energy that you were able to hold me yesterday,
Speaker 2: and in being able to meet me with that energy,
Speaker 2: you gave me permission to meet myself that way too,
Speaker 2: Which is why reaching out to somebody who can hold you,
Speaker 2: whether it be a friend, a coach, a therapist, whatever
Speaker 2: it is, who can love you when you don't love
Speaker 2: you so much to make it okay for you to
Speaker 2: explore these parts of you. It's really important. We're not
Speaker 2: here by ourselves. We don't get to these places alone.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, I think I really want to put
Speaker 3: thank you for that and an exclamation point on it.
Speaker 3: Most of us don't realize that we have no idea
Speaker 3: how to love ourselves. We never truly have. We've been,
Speaker 3: we've been scared and hiding behind this mask. We don't
Speaker 3: know how to administer your self love. And the first
Speaker 3: step might just be in the space of someone's going
Speaker 3: to love us no matter what we tell them, no
Speaker 3: matter what horrific things we tell about our past or
Speaker 3: our thoughts were not and they just still love us unconditionally.
Speaker 3: That's so transformational, And then we can get to the
Speaker 3: place where we can love ourselves. Sometimes that's a really
Speaker 3: necessary step. I know it is in recovery elships for sure.
Speaker 2: Well. And what I would say is for those of
Speaker 2: you that question whether or not you have somebody in
Speaker 2: your life to do that with, what I would say
Speaker 2: is is that the more transparent and honest you are
Speaker 2: about yourself, the more you welcome and you serve as
Speaker 2: an invitation for the people around you to do the same.
Speaker 2: And so as you reach out transparently, the universe will
Speaker 2: give you back what you need in return. May not
Speaker 2: look like what you want, but it'll show up as
Speaker 2: what you need. Do you want to share that quote?
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's by j Do Krishna murdy Oh. I think
Speaker 3: is probably one of the three most influential people's people
Speaker 3: in my way of thinking in the way I see
Speaker 3: the world, And he goes on to say observing doesn't
Speaker 3: mean a great brain. Observe what I do, how I
Speaker 3: hate people, how I get angry easily, how I wound people.
Speaker 3: I can observe all of that and inquire into why
Speaker 3: am I violent? What is violence? Conformity, imitation and so on.
Speaker 3: It is all very complex problem, this violence. So I
Speaker 3: observe it, and through pure observation the thing comes to
Speaker 3: an end. And I could I could write that about myself,
Speaker 3: you know, as much work as I've done or whatever
Speaker 3: path I'm on, every day, I still have hundreds of
Speaker 3: thoughts of violence and harm and anger and self righteousness,
Speaker 3: and these crazy tangents I want to go down. But
Speaker 3: I don't react to that. I don't make them realize.
Speaker 3: Just ask why am I thinking this way? What's behind this?
Speaker 3: And the more I do that, less and less those thoughts,
Speaker 3: those thoughts emerged. But we're human beings with these crazy
Speaker 3: monkey minds, and this, you know, trauma in one way
Speaker 3: or another growing up that's created this protective layer on us.
Speaker 3: This is the fact of being a human being. And
Speaker 3: it's also a fact of being a human being. I
Speaker 3: truly believe this, we're effectively here to dissolve that and
Speaker 3: find our true nature, which is our true self, which
Speaker 3: is what exists be underneath all of those masks, which
Speaker 3: is unconditional love.
Speaker 2: And whatever stays hidden has the most power, and so
Speaker 2: unearthing it and exposing it to the light is what
Speaker 2: allows us to come back to unconditional love rather than
Speaker 2: all of those judgments.
Speaker 3: Yeah, your observation is internally, not externally. And if you
Speaker 3: find yourself in this place where you're spending a lot
Speaker 3: of time judging what's happening around you, maybe even you know,
Speaker 3: maybe even caught up in social media and things like that,
Speaker 3: constantly blasting out your opinion of what everyone else and
Speaker 3: everything is doing wrong. I want to encourage you, as
Speaker 3: an action to take a pause and ask what's going
Speaker 3: on within me that's leading me to want to do
Speaker 3: this external things, what's being triggered with me, What wounds
Speaker 3: opening up in me that I that I feel this
Speaker 3: need to go and crack and judge other people's behavior,
Speaker 3: because the reality is this is your projection onto them.
Speaker 3: You can only we can only see other people through
Speaker 3: our own experience, through our old lens. And there's this saying,
Speaker 3: if you spot it, you got it. And it's really
Speaker 3: really hard to hear, it's really really hard to accept,
Speaker 3: but I absolutely promise you it's true. Whatever you're projecting
Speaker 3: on your most hated person out there, that's you, my friend.
Speaker 3: Well with that, why don't we when don't we stop
Speaker 3: there and we'll see you all in a couple of weeks?
Speaker 2: Sounds good? You've been listening to me Chris and me
Speaker 2: Jacqueline on break Free and Trust are Redesign for Living.
Speaker 1: Tune in every second and fourth Monday at three pm
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Speaker 1: and everything in between.
Speaker 2: Learn to connect with your intrinsic power to grow and heal,
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Speaker 1: Through healthy conversations between the feminine and the masculine, you
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Speaker 1: Shadow, and to trust that any obstacle that gets in
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