WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.120 --> 00:00:02.319 People who died and came back share what they saw 2 00:00:02.319 --> 00:00:11.400 and felt. I had an experience. I don't ever share 3 00:00:11.439 --> 00:00:13.480 it because I try not to remember this period in 4 00:00:13.480 --> 00:00:15.919 my life, and because I hold this memory very sacred. 5 00:00:16.440 --> 00:00:19.760 This experience left a lasting impression on my life. In 6 00:00:19.839 --> 00:00:23.039 twenty seventeen, after I drank a bottle of Everclear, followed 7 00:00:23.039 --> 00:00:26.960 by Bleach, Dreno, Ajax and roughly one fifty plus slash, 8 00:00:27.000 --> 00:00:30.399 benzodiazepines and anything else I could find. I don't know 9 00:00:30.440 --> 00:00:33.159 how to fully articulate my experience. It's so hard to 10 00:00:33.159 --> 00:00:35.840 find the right words for what I went through. There 11 00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:38.719 was no pain while consuming this concoction. I just felt 12 00:00:38.759 --> 00:00:40.640 like someone sucked all the air out of my chest 13 00:00:40.640 --> 00:00:42.759 and there was a bubble stuck in my throat. I 14 00:00:42.799 --> 00:00:45.320 had a friend that trusted their instinct and called emergency 15 00:00:45.359 --> 00:00:48.200 services on me. I had passed out and aspirated on 16 00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:50.560 my vomit, which burned through the carpet and the pad 17 00:00:50.600 --> 00:00:53.960 down to the subflooring. I remember paramedics pulling my tongue 18 00:00:53.960 --> 00:00:56.240 out of my mouth and hearing someone say she's not 19 00:00:56.280 --> 00:00:59.000 going to make it. It felt like I just fell asleep, 20 00:00:59.200 --> 00:01:02.240 but like the sleep where you know you're asleep. Initially, 21 00:01:02.280 --> 00:01:06.040 there was nothing. It was darkness. I felt separated from myself, 22 00:01:06.280 --> 00:01:09.040 like I wasn't in my physical form. It's hard to explain, 23 00:01:09.400 --> 00:01:11.599 like I was only my spirit without flesh and blood. 24 00:01:12.040 --> 00:01:14.400 I feel like I was almost teleported or beamed into 25 00:01:14.400 --> 00:01:16.959 a different dimension or world, and somehow I came to 26 00:01:17.000 --> 00:01:19.760 be in this beautiful meadow. The meadow was the most 27 00:01:19.799 --> 00:01:22.319 beautiful scene you could imagine. There was a little stream 28 00:01:22.359 --> 00:01:25.000 in the distance and a forest beyond it. I remember 29 00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:27.799 just enjoying this scene, this moment, and the beauty of 30 00:01:27.840 --> 00:01:31.079 it all. It sounds really fucking corny, but this meadow 31 00:01:31.120 --> 00:01:33.959 was so incredibly beautiful. All I felt was love and 32 00:01:34.000 --> 00:01:37.000 appreciation for everything. I also had a feeling that I 33 00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:39.879 wasn't alone, but it wasn't a bad feeling. I don't 34 00:01:39.920 --> 00:01:41.920 know how it appeared or where it came from, but 35 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:45.519 there was a really beautiful orb that presented itself. Sounds cliche, 36 00:01:45.680 --> 00:01:48.480 I know this orb to me was love in its 37 00:01:48.480 --> 00:01:52.280 purest form. The orb was able to communicate with me telepathically. 38 00:01:52.799 --> 00:01:55.560 The conversation was something along the lines of me acknowledging 39 00:01:55.599 --> 00:01:57.760 the beauty that surrounded me and feeling like this is 40 00:01:57.760 --> 00:01:59.879 where I wanted to be. I felt like I was 41 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:02.200 given a choice between staying there or going back to 42 00:02:02.239 --> 00:02:05.239 reality and back to my body. I really wanted to stay, 43 00:02:05.480 --> 00:02:07.599 but I thought of my siblings and how much damage 44 00:02:07.599 --> 00:02:09.960 my death would cause them. The moment I thought of 45 00:02:10.000 --> 00:02:12.520 my siblings, I felt like I was told, you made 46 00:02:12.560 --> 00:02:15.159 your choice. I felt like I was beamed right back 47 00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:17.280 to my body, which had been in the ICU in 48 00:02:17.280 --> 00:02:20.080 a medically induced coma. I really feel like I could 49 00:02:20.120 --> 00:02:22.400 have stayed. I really wanted to stay, and often feel 50 00:02:22.400 --> 00:02:25.400 a sort of homesickness and longing for that place. I 51 00:02:25.400 --> 00:02:28.039 can proudly say I'm glad I didn't stay. I will 52 00:02:28.080 --> 00:02:30.080 also add that was the last time I attempted to 53 00:02:30.159 --> 00:02:34.120 end my life. I woke up someplace that I didn't understand. 54 00:02:34.599 --> 00:02:37.919 It was just like this plane, no structures. It was 55 00:02:38.039 --> 00:02:40.360 just off to the horizon in every direction, and I 56 00:02:40.479 --> 00:02:43.199 was like, okay, this is weird. And there was a 57 00:02:43.240 --> 00:02:45.639 noise kind of like a hum in the background, like 58 00:02:45.680 --> 00:02:50.199 an irritating hum. I don't know something. Then I saw 59 00:02:50.240 --> 00:02:52.960 somebody walking up from a long way away. I thought 60 00:02:53.000 --> 00:02:55.639 I recognized him, but I wasn't sure, and it took 61 00:02:55.719 --> 00:02:57.639 quite a while for him to start getting up to me. 62 00:02:58.000 --> 00:03:01.639 And as he was coming, the hum, the noise, the scratchy, 63 00:03:01.840 --> 00:03:04.759 irritating hum, was getting a little bit louder all the time, 64 00:03:04.960 --> 00:03:07.719 and I realized that this hum was something unpleasant. I 65 00:03:07.759 --> 00:03:09.560 didn't know what it was, and I knew that I 66 00:03:09.560 --> 00:03:12.599 didn't want to know what it was. Then I recognized 67 00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:14.639 the person that was coming up with somebody. I knew 68 00:03:15.120 --> 00:03:17.080 he was my old boss at work that was always 69 00:03:17.159 --> 00:03:18.879 nice to me and looked out for me that died. 70 00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:23.120 As he walked by, he said casually, Oh, that's just Stephen, 71 00:03:23.639 --> 00:03:28.159 He's okay, and the noise went quiet, divided by twenty 72 00:03:28.159 --> 00:03:30.479 three minutes of work on me. If I did not 73 00:03:30.599 --> 00:03:32.639 have my heart attack in my clinic, I would not 74 00:03:32.759 --> 00:03:35.479 be here. I remember talking with one of my friends 75 00:03:35.479 --> 00:03:37.080 at a job we both had in an e R 76 00:03:37.159 --> 00:03:40.599 thirty five years ago, just bullshitting in a doorway. We 77 00:03:40.680 --> 00:03:43.120 looked in the room. There were twelve people in there 78 00:03:43.159 --> 00:03:45.439 working on me. I looked at him and told him 79 00:03:45.439 --> 00:03:47.000 I was going to see what was going on with 80 00:03:47.039 --> 00:03:50.120 the poor bastard in the bed. I walked around, everyone 81 00:03:50.719 --> 00:03:53.479 saw my mom and grandma, both deceased, sitting in front 82 00:03:53.520 --> 00:03:55.680 of the bed. As I walked around, I got to 83 00:03:55.719 --> 00:03:57.520 the other still of the bed, saw it was me. 84 00:03:57.879 --> 00:04:00.560 When a shit, guess I need to go back, leaned 85 00:04:00.560 --> 00:04:03.960 towards myself, had this very realistic dream and woke up 86 00:04:03.960 --> 00:04:06.400 a week later, thought I was in sixth grade for 87 00:04:06.439 --> 00:04:09.800 the next week, then slowly gained my bearings three years 88 00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:12.639 l eight or ninety eight percent rehabbed. They told my 89 00:04:12.680 --> 00:04:15.879 wife I was supposed to be a vegetable. I had 90 00:04:15.919 --> 00:04:19.480 a positive experience. But my favorite nd story is told 91 00:04:19.480 --> 00:04:23.399 on an episode of the podcast euphemat episode ten Lives. 92 00:04:23.920 --> 00:04:27.279 He's not religious, He's describing disconnection and consciousness in a 93 00:04:27.319 --> 00:04:30.920 fascinating and frightening way. As for me, I'm not sure 94 00:04:30.959 --> 00:04:33.360 of my age, but while a very young kid, I 95 00:04:33.480 --> 00:04:36.720 drowned in an apartment pool. There's a docuseries on Prime 96 00:04:37.000 --> 00:04:40.240 Death and Back a woman describes her experience drowning as 97 00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:42.560 a child. What she says is the closest I've ever 98 00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:45.560 heard to my own. I've never heard someone else talk 99 00:04:45.560 --> 00:04:48.000 about the light from below when they were drowning, but 100 00:04:48.079 --> 00:04:50.439 that's how it was for me too. I don't remember 101 00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:52.720 seeing my body, as she says, but I went from 102 00:04:52.759 --> 00:04:56.439 blackness to dark blues and progressively brighter light. I experienced 103 00:04:56.439 --> 00:04:59.959 an energetic warmth and comfort and unconditional love. Brilliant gold 104 00:05:00.199 --> 00:05:02.680 than white replaced the blue. I was met by a 105 00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:06.000 sense of an ethereal awareness, but my memory ends there. 106 00:05:06.199 --> 00:05:09.959 Apart from being revived, since love was as of then 107 00:05:10.279 --> 00:05:14.439 an unfamiliar experience in life. Returning came with very conflicting emotions. 108 00:05:14.879 --> 00:05:17.560 It wasn't too long after that when I impulsively attempted 109 00:05:17.560 --> 00:05:19.279 to jump out of a moving vehicle and off a 110 00:05:19.319 --> 00:05:22.680 cliff as a kid, with no sense of potential consequences, 111 00:05:22.839 --> 00:05:24.399 I just wanted to go back to the peace in 112 00:05:24.439 --> 00:05:27.319 the other existence. I'm thankful to know that we go 113 00:05:27.360 --> 00:05:30.480 to a place of greater connection. The decades since and 114 00:05:30.560 --> 00:05:32.800 a few good trips have shown me that were never 115 00:05:32.839 --> 00:05:36.959 really separated from anything, despite the density between, we just 116 00:05:37.000 --> 00:05:40.000 shift our awareness and the weight we feel inside becomes light. 117 00:05:41.279 --> 00:05:43.720 I had a rather strange near death experience because I 118 00:05:43.759 --> 00:05:46.399 felt things in place of my son. Note that I 119 00:05:46.399 --> 00:05:48.759 don't believe in life after death or spirits at all, 120 00:05:48.920 --> 00:05:51.120 but I am convinced that the brain is an absolutely 121 00:05:51.120 --> 00:05:55.480 fascinating organ capable of very powerful dreams. At the maternity ward. 122 00:05:55.720 --> 00:05:58.160 My son, who was only a few days old, was 123 00:05:58.279 --> 00:06:01.480 very ill that night. I entrusted him to the midwives. 124 00:06:01.920 --> 00:06:04.120 I didn't feel strong enough to watch over him. I 125 00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:07.000 wanted to sleep a little. During the night, I felt 126 00:06:07.000 --> 00:06:09.680 an intense cold, so intense that I could only shake 127 00:06:09.839 --> 00:06:12.399 very heart, much more than a normal shiver from cold. 128 00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:15.800 I couldn't call for help or move. I was paralyzed. 129 00:06:16.319 --> 00:06:19.040 In fact, I thought death is coming for my son. 130 00:06:19.360 --> 00:06:21.759 If I let it pass, it will take him. I 131 00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:23.879 fought as hard as I could to stop the sensation. 132 00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:26.800 I really felt like I had fallen into a frozen lake. 133 00:06:27.279 --> 00:06:31.000 Then it passed and I fell back asleep. Some time later, 134 00:06:31.240 --> 00:06:33.279 a pediatrician woke me up to tell me that my 135 00:06:33.399 --> 00:06:35.360 son was in critical condition and that they had been 136 00:06:35.360 --> 00:06:37.160 trying to save him since the middle of the night 137 00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:40.480 without understanding what was happening. His body was giving up. 138 00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:44.319 He was transferred to the hospital. The emergency doctor told 139 00:06:44.319 --> 00:06:46.160 me later that she thought she wouldn't be able to 140 00:06:46.160 --> 00:06:48.560 save him, and that he held on beyond all expectations. 141 00:06:49.040 --> 00:06:51.639 I also saw him in critical condition, and I still 142 00:06:51.680 --> 00:06:55.000 wonder how he could endure that. Apart from the harrowing situation. 143 00:06:55.319 --> 00:06:57.800 The episode that night made me think a lot. Did 144 00:06:57.839 --> 00:07:00.399 I hear something to inspire the dream? My room was 145 00:07:00.439 --> 00:07:04.160 across from the pediatrician's room. Anyway, I've never found any 146 00:07:04.199 --> 00:07:08.000 other testimonies like this. I died in my shower when 147 00:07:08.000 --> 00:07:10.199 I was in my early twenties while my ex boyfriend 148 00:07:10.240 --> 00:07:13.160 was in there with me. He reported. I collapsed, was 149 00:07:13.160 --> 00:07:16.480 not breathing, and was blue slash gray. He reported it 150 00:07:16.519 --> 00:07:18.800 was quite a while that I was gone to myself 151 00:07:18.839 --> 00:07:22.759 and the paramedics no pulse. What I remember is floating 152 00:07:22.759 --> 00:07:24.920 down a black tunnel with a large square light at 153 00:07:24.920 --> 00:07:27.480 the very far end of it. As I floated closer, 154 00:07:27.639 --> 00:07:30.000 I could see silhouettes of people on both sides of me. 155 00:07:30.639 --> 00:07:34.360 No facial features like eyes or faces, no voices, just 156 00:07:34.480 --> 00:07:37.439 dark silhouettes staring at me. While I floated past the 157 00:07:37.480 --> 00:07:39.480 closer I get to this light, I see it's a 158 00:07:39.519 --> 00:07:41.839 square window, and it's a gorgeous sunny day. On the 159 00:07:41.839 --> 00:07:45.360 opposite side of it, tall grass blowing around from the breeze, 160 00:07:45.399 --> 00:07:49.279 clear bluish skies with clouds. It was beautiful. But the 161 00:07:49.319 --> 00:07:51.680 closer I got I could see my dog that passed 162 00:07:51.680 --> 00:07:54.639 away running down the hill, stopping to look, and seeing me, 163 00:07:55.240 --> 00:07:57.319 he trotted closer to the window. As I was now 164 00:07:57.360 --> 00:07:59.480 at the end of this tunnel, it felt like all 165 00:07:59.480 --> 00:08:01.199 I had to do was climb over and into this 166 00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:04.519 gorgeous scenery, and I intended to do so. But he 167 00:08:04.560 --> 00:08:06.759 came up to me, tilted his head at me, and 168 00:08:06.839 --> 00:08:09.120 all I heard was not now. And that's when I 169 00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:12.959 was flying backwards through the tunnel, flying past the dark silhouettes, 170 00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:15.720 faster and faster, until I flew back into my body, 171 00:08:15.920 --> 00:08:18.920 leaned forward, and heavily vomited the contents of my stomach 172 00:08:18.959 --> 00:08:21.439 in the bath tub while my axe was blinking in bewilderment. 173 00:08:22.120 --> 00:08:24.199 He had called nine one one, and I was so 174 00:08:24.279 --> 00:08:25.639 weak while he tried to get me out of the 175 00:08:25.680 --> 00:08:29.439 tub to put clothes on. The entire time, apparently I 176 00:08:29.519 --> 00:08:32.960 was muttering my dog's name, asking where he was. My 177 00:08:33.080 --> 00:08:36.120 ex said, he's been gone for a long time. To 178 00:08:36.200 --> 00:08:38.679 this day, I know my dog, who was always considered 179 00:08:38.720 --> 00:08:41.240 my sole dog by family and friends, is the reason 180 00:08:41.240 --> 00:08:44.080 I didn't cross the barrier. It wasn't my time. But 181 00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:46.639 I still think about the gorgeous meadow from time to time, 182 00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:51.120 how peaceful and serene it seemed. The feeling it invoked death, 183 00:08:51.159 --> 00:08:55.720 seemed peaceful. I'm agnostic with my fair share of paranormal experiences, 184 00:08:55.879 --> 00:08:57.679 but this one still makes me think of all the 185 00:08:57.679 --> 00:09:01.600 possibilities of what's on the other side. I can share 186 00:09:01.600 --> 00:09:04.919 my experience. I was giving birth and it was going wrong. 187 00:09:05.399 --> 00:09:07.919 I was bleeding out and my baby was showing severe 188 00:09:08.000 --> 00:09:11.120 signs of fetal distress. I thought I was on a boat. 189 00:09:11.480 --> 00:09:13.600 It was on a quiet lake, and I was drifting 190 00:09:13.639 --> 00:09:16.320 further and further out into the silvery white. I could 191 00:09:16.360 --> 00:09:19.360 hear voices off in the distance, but only just It 192 00:09:19.480 --> 00:09:22.519 was very, very peaceful, and I was just drifting away 193 00:09:23.320 --> 00:09:26.480 until I heard my sister's voice saying, we're doing a cesarean. 194 00:09:26.679 --> 00:09:28.600 I didn't care and had no sense of it at all. 195 00:09:29.080 --> 00:09:31.879 Apparently the room was crowded full of people rushing about, 196 00:09:32.080 --> 00:09:33.799 but I honestly thought it was just me and my 197 00:09:33.840 --> 00:09:37.320 sister there. There was a happy outcome, my beautiful girl 198 00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:39.960 and I survived. But I have often thought since that 199 00:09:40.000 --> 00:09:41.759 I really hoped that all the women who died in 200 00:09:41.840 --> 00:09:44.159 childbirth back in the day, and there were so many, 201 00:09:44.360 --> 00:09:47.399 had an experience like mine. They just kept drifting off 202 00:09:47.399 --> 00:09:51.360 into the silver, calm and content not so much that 203 00:09:51.399 --> 00:09:54.159 I died, but I had a near death experience. When 204 00:09:54.200 --> 00:09:57.080 I was nineteen years old, I bought myself a motorcycle. 205 00:09:57.519 --> 00:09:59.519 I had been riding for about six months and felt 206 00:09:59.519 --> 00:10:02.720 pretty calm on it. This confidence is what almost killed 207 00:10:02.720 --> 00:10:05.559 me that day. It was a sunny day in September 208 00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:07.960 two thousand and nine, and I had just gotten out 209 00:10:08.000 --> 00:10:10.840 of my college class around three pm. I put on 210 00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:14.000 my helmet, my gloves, and my backpack, and I thought 211 00:10:14.000 --> 00:10:16.320 to myself that I needed a haircut and started making 212 00:10:16.320 --> 00:10:19.279 my way towards the location, keeping in mind that getting 213 00:10:19.279 --> 00:10:21.399 on the freeway was going to be the quickest way there. 214 00:10:22.159 --> 00:10:24.679 Once I got on the freeway, it was pretty congested, 215 00:10:24.879 --> 00:10:26.720 but I decided I could zoom by the cars and 216 00:10:26.759 --> 00:10:29.279 get there in no time. As I saw my exit 217 00:10:29.320 --> 00:10:31.559 approaching and saw I could possibly pass by the car 218 00:10:31.600 --> 00:10:34.080 in front of me, I sped up and passed the 219 00:10:34.080 --> 00:10:36.440 car at a high rate of speed, making the exit. 220 00:10:36.919 --> 00:10:39.440 Thinking I could maneuver easily around the curved corner that 221 00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:41.840 was about to come, I pressed on my brakes and 222 00:10:41.919 --> 00:10:45.440 my motorcycle went into a high speed wobble. At this point, 223 00:10:45.559 --> 00:10:48.200 I got thrown off the bike and vaguely remember falling off. 224 00:10:48.679 --> 00:10:50.639 I must have hit my head pretty hard because I 225 00:10:50.679 --> 00:10:53.519 blacked out. When I came to I was sliding on 226 00:10:53.559 --> 00:10:55.320 my back, still at a high rate of speed on 227 00:10:55.360 --> 00:10:58.639 the freeway exit. This next part seemed like a movie, 228 00:10:58.840 --> 00:11:01.000 but everything around me seemed to be in slow motion. 229 00:11:01.600 --> 00:11:04.480 As I was sliding, I was passing cars left and right, 230 00:11:04.600 --> 00:11:06.720 and all I could hear was screeching from their tires. 231 00:11:07.480 --> 00:11:10.320 Once my body got more momentum, I rolled several times 232 00:11:10.399 --> 00:11:12.919 until I came to a complete stop. To my left 233 00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:14.960 there was just dirt and grass, and to my right 234 00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:17.559 were the cars on the freeway. As I lay on 235 00:11:17.600 --> 00:11:20.519 the asphalt looking at my injuries, something in me made 236 00:11:20.559 --> 00:11:23.879 me look left. As I did, I saw this blond lady, 237 00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:27.320 blue eyes, all white business attire walking toward me in 238 00:11:27.360 --> 00:11:30.240 the dirt slash grass area. Keep in mind there wasn't 239 00:11:30.279 --> 00:11:32.799 a car anywhere near her. It was just barren land. 240 00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:36.200 As she comes up to me, she asks me, were 241 00:11:36.279 --> 00:11:38.840 you the one that called? I start telling her that 242 00:11:38.879 --> 00:11:41.200 how could I have called? I was just involved in 243 00:11:41.240 --> 00:11:44.519 an accident. She then repeated again, were you the one 244 00:11:44.519 --> 00:11:47.480 that called? Before I could answer her, I heard a 245 00:11:47.519 --> 00:11:49.840 door slam and a man yelling are you all right? 246 00:11:50.279 --> 00:11:51.879 As I turned to my right to tell him I 247 00:11:51.919 --> 00:11:54.720 was okay, I quickly looked back to my left and 248 00:11:54.759 --> 00:11:57.879 that lady was gone. I only lasted three hours in 249 00:11:57.919 --> 00:12:01.480 the hospital with no broken bones, just roade rash. I 250 00:12:01.519 --> 00:12:03.200 believe that if I had told that lady that I 251 00:12:03.240 --> 00:12:06.039 did call, I would have died right there on that freeway. 252 00:12:07.639 --> 00:12:10.000 Not sure if this counts, but I died three times 253 00:12:10.039 --> 00:12:12.399 as a baby. I was born at one pound and 254 00:12:12.480 --> 00:12:15.960 nine ounces and my heart was just well, not winning 255 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:18.759 any races. I spent my first four months in an 256 00:12:18.799 --> 00:12:22.200 incubator at the Ronald McDonald House, and I'd flatlined randomly 257 00:12:22.200 --> 00:12:24.360 out of the blue just to keep things interesting. At 258 00:12:24.360 --> 00:12:27.320 the hospital, the doctors had to resuscitate me like I 259 00:12:27.399 --> 00:12:31.240 was a broken phone on one percent. So yeah, just 260 00:12:31.320 --> 00:12:34.679 the perks of being an infant sized potato. People loved 261 00:12:34.679 --> 00:12:37.440 to ask did you see God? Did you see the light? 262 00:12:38.000 --> 00:12:40.600 Was there a tunnel? And my answer is always no. 263 00:12:41.240 --> 00:12:44.120 I was a literal baby for crying out loud. I 264 00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:46.919 didn't even know I was alive, let alone what heaven was. 265 00:12:47.519 --> 00:12:50.080 My whole existence was basically just me existing in a 266 00:12:50.120 --> 00:12:53.440 warm plastic box. Trying not to die. Heaven didn't make 267 00:12:53.480 --> 00:12:55.159 the cut on the Things to think about when you're 268 00:12:55.200 --> 00:12:57.720 one pound list. I didn't even know I had fingers 269 00:12:57.799 --> 00:13:03.600 until I was like three. So yeah, no great spiritual awakening, 270 00:13:04.200 --> 00:13:07.440 just a really bad heart and a lot of resuscitations. Yep. 271 00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:11.919 In twenty nineteen, just a few days before Thanksgiving, I 272 00:13:11.960 --> 00:13:14.960 had a late night workout of my office Jim. Afterward, 273 00:13:15.200 --> 00:13:17.279 I decided to use the sauna and take a cold 274 00:13:17.320 --> 00:13:20.399 shower as usual to wake myself up before heading to 275 00:13:20.440 --> 00:13:23.759 my dad's cabin for a discussion. However, the moment I 276 00:13:23.759 --> 00:13:26.799 stepped into the sauna, I felt dizzy and fainted. As 277 00:13:26.840 --> 00:13:29.080 I fell, it felt like I was free falling at 278 00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:32.320 thousands of miles per hour. In that moment, my life 279 00:13:32.320 --> 00:13:34.879 flashed before my eyes and I became an observer of 280 00:13:34.919 --> 00:13:39.000 my past. I recalled several childhood accidents, including a near 281 00:13:39.080 --> 00:13:41.240 miss with boiling milk on the stove where I had 282 00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:43.799 tipped a pan and burned my left hand. I had 283 00:13:43.799 --> 00:13:46.000 to go to the hospital and spend hours alone until 284 00:13:46.039 --> 00:13:49.320 my mom arrived. Another memory was of falling down twenty 285 00:13:49.320 --> 00:13:52.000 four steep concrete stairs where I could clearly see my 286 00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:54.519 older sibling pushing me when I was just four or five. 287 00:13:55.080 --> 00:13:57.360 Although I never went to the hospital for that incident, 288 00:13:57.559 --> 00:14:00.240 I still bear scars from it. The smell of bring 289 00:14:00.279 --> 00:14:03.480 flowers from that hill remains vivid in my memory. During 290 00:14:03.480 --> 00:14:06.159 this experience in the sauna, I felt intense pain on 291 00:14:06.159 --> 00:14:09.279 the right side of my face, neck, shoulder, and hand 292 00:14:09.320 --> 00:14:12.559 as I instinctively protected myself. I had fallen near the 293 00:14:12.559 --> 00:14:15.720 steam pipe and the heater was set high. In that moment, 294 00:14:15.879 --> 00:14:17.840 I was ready to let go of life, but then 295 00:14:17.840 --> 00:14:19.879 I saw the faces of my beautiful wife and our 296 00:14:19.919 --> 00:14:22.960 six year old daughter. It sparked a fierce determination to 297 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:25.840 fight and escape the sauna. I'm not sure how long 298 00:14:25.879 --> 00:14:28.360 I was unconscious, but when I came to, I had 299 00:14:28.360 --> 00:14:31.960 lost skin on the right side of my head, ear, neck, shoulder, 300 00:14:32.159 --> 00:14:34.879 and arm. I went into shock, but still planned to 301 00:14:34.879 --> 00:14:37.799 make the trip to the cabin. Feeling no pain. For 302 00:14:37.879 --> 00:14:41.279 three days, I resisted going to the hospital, still processing 303 00:14:41.320 --> 00:14:45.080 my childhood memories and feeling a desire to end at all. Eventually, 304 00:14:45.320 --> 00:14:48.480 after my wife's insistence, I went to the hospital. The 305 00:14:48.519 --> 00:14:51.320 experience of having the nurse scrub my wounds was unpleasant, 306 00:14:51.440 --> 00:14:54.240 but I didn't remember the pain It felt like reliving 307 00:14:54.279 --> 00:14:56.759 past trauma in a way that led to a cathartic release. 308 00:14:57.559 --> 00:15:00.600 My life changed drastically after the accident. I went from 309 00:15:00.639 --> 00:15:04.320 running a successful construction business earning three point five million 310 00:15:04.360 --> 00:15:07.120 dollars a year with over twenty employees, to staying home 311 00:15:07.120 --> 00:15:09.840 for two years, focusing on my health and spending time 312 00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:12.919 with my family. While I was physically present, I often 313 00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:16.600 felt emotionally distant. My family became my motivation to keep 314 00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:19.480 going even as I struggled with deep depression and isolation. 315 00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:23.240 Reflecting on my childhood trauma, I now understand that I 316 00:15:23.240 --> 00:15:26.080 had been sexually abused before those accidents, which I had 317 00:15:26.080 --> 00:15:29.559 suppressed for so long. This trauma affected my ability to 318 00:15:29.559 --> 00:15:32.440 connect with others, and I didn't engage in any relationships 319 00:15:32.480 --> 00:15:34.879 until I met my wife at age twenty. She is 320 00:15:34.919 --> 00:15:37.679 the only woman in my life. I watched friends share 321 00:15:37.720 --> 00:15:40.919 stories of their childhood abuse and their struggles with sexual desires, 322 00:15:41.080 --> 00:15:43.279 and I realized I might have followed a similar path 323 00:15:43.320 --> 00:15:46.399 if not for my experiences. In a way, life is 324 00:15:46.480 --> 00:15:49.360 unfolding as it should in the aftermath of the accident. 325 00:15:49.559 --> 00:15:51.879 I used marijuana as a crutch for a while, but 326 00:15:51.919 --> 00:15:54.960 I eventually moved past that. I found joy in doing 327 00:15:55.039 --> 00:15:59.240 labor work again, tapping into a suppressed part of myself. Interestingly, 328 00:15:59.440 --> 00:16:01.200 I had to write with my left hand while my 329 00:16:01.279 --> 00:16:03.919 right arm was bandaged, and now my left handed writing 330 00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:07.799 is beautiful, a stark contrast to my previous handwriting. This 331 00:16:07.919 --> 00:16:10.759 experience has brought me closer to spirituality and a belief 332 00:16:10.759 --> 00:16:13.360 in the afterlife and karma. I now believe that I 333 00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:15.960 don't need anything in life, as desire can be a sin. 334 00:16:16.559 --> 00:16:19.360 I understand that this mindset is essential to avoid being 335 00:16:19.399 --> 00:16:22.200 reincarnated and to find peace in my next life, whatever 336 00:16:22.240 --> 00:16:24.759 that may be. I feel complete and ready to leave 337 00:16:24.799 --> 00:16:27.399 this world without the need to relive this earthly existence. 338 00:16:28.159 --> 00:16:30.240 Each day is a gift from God, and I wake 339 00:16:30.320 --> 00:16:33.240 up prepared for whatever challenges the day may bring. I 340 00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:35.759 live now for my family and serve them wholeheartedly to 341 00:16:35.799 --> 00:16:39.600 the best of my ability. This was forty years ago, 342 00:16:39.919 --> 00:16:44.039 but we were poor, like dirt poor, no car, no money, 343 00:16:44.279 --> 00:16:47.679 extended family, all living in a tiny house. Poor. When 344 00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:51.519 I was ten, my kidneys exploded, water weight ballooned up 345 00:16:51.559 --> 00:16:53.720 like I ate the wrong piece of Wanka candy, and 346 00:16:53.759 --> 00:16:55.399 I had to be rushed to the hospital in the 347 00:16:55.399 --> 00:16:58.159 city an our car ride that we didn't have. I 348 00:16:58.279 --> 00:17:00.799 basically rolled around the back of a cargo until we 349 00:17:00.840 --> 00:17:03.799 got there. I spent weeks in the hospital, and my 350 00:17:03.879 --> 00:17:07.359 mother basically gave them permission to experiment on me new treatments, 351 00:17:07.519 --> 00:17:10.039 et cetera, in lieu of payments they probably knew they 352 00:17:10.039 --> 00:17:12.640 weren't ever going to get. This turned out to be good, 353 00:17:12.720 --> 00:17:14.640 because the treatment they gave me then is now the 354 00:17:14.680 --> 00:17:18.119 sop for my particular flavor of kidney explosion. But I 355 00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:21.079 spent weeks in the hospital, often going several days without 356 00:17:21.079 --> 00:17:23.599 a visitor or family member present because we were poor. 357 00:17:23.880 --> 00:17:26.119 No one had cars or money, and they couldn't take 358 00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:29.440 time from work. About three days in, I went into 359 00:17:29.480 --> 00:17:33.160 failure and had to be resuscitated. Now, obviously, at ten 360 00:17:33.440 --> 00:17:35.559 I didn't know I was dying, and I didn't find 361 00:17:35.599 --> 00:17:38.200 out until I was like fifteen or sixteen what happened. 362 00:17:38.319 --> 00:17:40.839 But this is what I remember. It was like I 363 00:17:40.920 --> 00:17:43.920 was standing to the side of myself. A dozen doctors 364 00:17:43.960 --> 00:17:46.359 and nurses rushed into the room, lifted me into a 365 00:17:46.400 --> 00:17:49.359 sitting position from lying, hooked me up to a million things, 366 00:17:49.519 --> 00:17:53.119 and it was chaos. I wasn't scared, just confused and 367 00:17:53.160 --> 00:17:55.680 trying to be good like a kid would. It was 368 00:17:55.720 --> 00:17:58.160 scary and frightening, and no one was talking to me, 369 00:17:58.599 --> 00:18:00.559 just around me as they flipped me or and did 370 00:18:00.559 --> 00:18:03.880 doctor stuff. Just when I felt myself about to cry, 371 00:18:04.039 --> 00:18:06.039 I noticed a woman in the doorway to my room. 372 00:18:06.640 --> 00:18:08.799 She was dressed in the adult sized version of the 373 00:18:08.839 --> 00:18:12.079 gown that I wore, and she was smiling. She was pretty, 374 00:18:12.200 --> 00:18:16.240 early thirties, with shoulder length brown curly hair, and she waved. 375 00:18:16.960 --> 00:18:19.880 I waved back. She smiled and told me that I 376 00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:22.599 was going to be okay, not to worry. The doctors 377 00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:24.759 were going to help, and if I wanted to, I 378 00:18:24.759 --> 00:18:27.880 should close my eyes and rest. She was an adult, 379 00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:30.880 so I did. When I woke up, I was alone 380 00:18:30.920 --> 00:18:33.039 in the room and a day had passed and my 381 00:18:33.160 --> 00:18:36.160 family was there. I couldn't talk with everything on my face, 382 00:18:36.400 --> 00:18:39.480 but when I finally could, I told them everything. They 383 00:18:39.559 --> 00:18:43.039 chalked it up to me being in toxic shock, confused, scared, 384 00:18:43.240 --> 00:18:45.839 and dreaming. But I kept asking about the woman because 385 00:18:45.839 --> 00:18:49.920 she felt like a mother, warm, soothing, calm, everything a 386 00:18:49.920 --> 00:18:52.160 motherly figure should be. But I got told that I 387 00:18:52.240 --> 00:18:54.599 was dreaming or it was another patient because of how 388 00:18:54.599 --> 00:18:57.599 she was dressed, so I chalked it up to that 389 00:18:57.640 --> 00:19:01.000 as a child. But another patient just hanging out in 390 00:19:01.039 --> 00:19:03.559 the doorway as I died and a dozen medical professionals 391 00:19:03.559 --> 00:19:06.559 buzzed around the room never made sense. Why could I 392 00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:09.079 hear her but not the doctors. Why did she never 393 00:19:09.160 --> 00:19:11.759 look at them, only me? Why would they let her 394 00:19:11.759 --> 00:19:13.880 stand there and watch? Then I found out that I 395 00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:16.599 had to be resuscitated that day, and it kind of clicked, 396 00:19:16.680 --> 00:19:19.759 and I had a million questions. Was it toxicity in 397 00:19:19.799 --> 00:19:23.480 the blood? Possibly? Was it a dream I did wake 398 00:19:23.559 --> 00:19:26.160 up a day later. Was it the body shutting everything 399 00:19:26.160 --> 00:19:29.000 off to give me a peaceful death that is what happens. 400 00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:31.480 Was it a kind but nosy patient who wanted to 401 00:19:31.480 --> 00:19:35.000