Speaker 1: Conny, Gather round, Dirty Conny.
Speaker 2: Did the can.
Speaker 3: Join the Questing is uncharted?
Speaker 1: Join the ticy Baster. Six writers face off by a
roll of the dice felt quite dirty, leaving.
Speaker 4: Nothing behind but fingerprints and a tall.
Speaker 1: Tale, stealing carts, breaking parts with plenty.
Speaker 2: Of time to kill and.
Speaker 3: Icy maasters tenisols ticing you know the can be tasty
Fasts Come and join the dice Faster.
Speaker 4: Hey, they're a and Devian's Junior Adventures and friends. Welcome
to the next episode of The Dicey Bassard Season two.
I'm Mk Gibson, your host, an author of the shadow
Master series, a Technomnswer series, and several others. Who do
we have with me today? It's the same people and
we always love them just for being themselves. Let's start
with mister Bevan. Bob, how are you, buddy?
Speaker 5: Hello friends, I'm good. Thanks Robert Bevan, author of the
Cambons and Creature series of comedy fantasy novels and short stories.
Uh on, Here I play the role of Joel the Sorcerer,
The Sorcerer with the Mucerer. Next.
Speaker 4: Oh that is all. Next up his worst half Rick Walteriery.
Speaker 6: Oh now I'm all sad.
Speaker 4: Well you were, Hey, you know I got you a
good Just roll with it.
Speaker 6: You're sad bastard, Well, welcome to the sad Bastards anyway.
My name is Rick Poulterieri and I play Moove Feace Eater,
and in real life I write several things. But if
you're currently looking for a way to gently massage your
ear holes, I have two new audio books for you.
I have Boor War, which is part of my Crypto
Hunter's cryptid thriller horror quadrillity, and I have Time Chaser,
which is my LITTERPG.
Speaker 4: So many adjectives from a child abandoning character. Anyway, that's
awesome new Congratulations Drew Hayes, you're.
Speaker 2: Up next, sir, clip clop, you don't stop. Kabert is
a horse with a man part on top.
Speaker 5: Hi.
Speaker 2: I'm Drew Hayes, author of book such as Superpowered, Villain's
Code and what I believe is the upcoming or recently
released Rover Powered number three as of May fourth, available
on print and audio.
Speaker 4: Congratulations.
Speaker 1: Sure you really should have coordinate that with it so
we could all show every other word Like the Beastie Boys.
Speaker 5: Also a horse with a man part on top sounds
like a unicorn with a dick for a war.
Speaker 4: Well, it's just a word of the floppy dick on top.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of ways you can interpret that.
Speaker 1: And I look forward.
Speaker 4: Speaking of floppy dick on top.
Speaker 1: Has to happen, Eily, sometimes we're on the wrong side
of the that's just the way it goes.
Speaker 4: Murder Mistress Caplin.
Speaker 7: Plotting a murder mystery right now, Buddy's sorry. I'm Emily Kaplan.
I right under e M. Kaplan. I'm playing Claudia the
rogue that the person whom Stan thinks has a mysterious past,
but really she's living the present kind of person she's
she's about as deep as well whatever exactly somebody.
Speaker 1: Past to say?
Speaker 4: And who is that voice talkers right now, mister weather
Ll Steve, how are you, sir?
Speaker 1: I think I interrupted Emily.
Speaker 2: Go for it.
Speaker 4: I teeter her off about with the floppy dick talk call.
It was doing from the start, really doing from the start,
good call.
Speaker 1: Uh, I am Steve weverel and uh I don't have
a mysterious past, Eva, but you can find my books online.
Now I'm playing Stan Dandiliva de facto self elected leader
of a group that really can't be led and.
Speaker 4: That is very very true. All right, before we get
into the game, I remind everybody that you're not part
of the A and D family. You are missing out.
Head over to patreon dot com slash Authors and Dragons.
Check out the various tiers. Two dollars a month you
can join our discord, hang out with fans, hang out
with the authors, and just we get to know you
as people. Five dollars a month more gives you extra
channels hang on games like this one live. Come here
is play this stuff here the how the sausage you've
made before we edit it and sound even somehow less foolish.
Head over to our website where you can get to
our row. I think, damn it, Drew and I cannot
think of Doucier leg what's it called.
Speaker 6: Rick authors dot Dashery dot com.
Speaker 4: There it is. That's a call back to last game
for those who know.
Speaker 7: You know, it's supposed to be HABERDASHERI is that why
it's dash?
Speaker 6: I don't know, because that's like an old word that
people use all the time.
Speaker 7: Right exactly.
Speaker 4: I need to get my hat made on habitasha, some
kind of online all right, buy our gear, buy our ship,
buy our stuff, rent rent, rent, spacing your earls for
our podcast. Okay, with the shilling out of the way,
is everybody ready to play the goddamn game?
Speaker 1: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Right? This was like oxcited everything down.
Speaker 6: Everybody.
Speaker 4: This is Connie stands conscious. How are you when last
we left the dicey bastards They just abandoned their child.
Take a moment and step back, move and JOYCEA had
a love child made from the ooze, and they found
a way to give him a vocation and get rid
of that thorn in their size inside. I watched the
into a happy dance.
Speaker 6: It's pretty cool.
Speaker 1: That went as well as it could have went. Connie
that you have got a bright, murderous future ahead of him.
Speaker 4: And well, he's a giant hand.
Speaker 1: He's doing the two things he was born to do.
He's moving boxes and eating talk.
Speaker 7: He's gonna make a lot of hamburger helper.
Speaker 6: He's not Moog's favorite right hand, but it'll always be
his first.
Speaker 5: He's gotta help a lot of hamburgers.
Speaker 4: I good for I compare the expedient proved how much
you knew about an age by fly if Ire running
on in the water for quite a while. Not no
memory is going. Almost been in a whirlpool and said
fuck it, turn into a boat and flew and found
his friends.
Speaker 1: Wait a minute, Connie, you know my conscience? Why do
I know that I wasn't there for that?
Speaker 2: It's almost like Connie is an independent.
Speaker 4: And God damn, that's why I didn't want it that
that man killed him?
Speaker 6: Kill him?
Speaker 1: Am I just imagining that? That might be imagining it.
Speaker 7: Maybe this is a retrospective, maybe it's all happened already.
Speaker 2: Or maybe Connie is the final villain.
Speaker 1: We have to say, Claudia, you stayed your box last day.
Mind he's dropping on my conversations with.
Speaker 4: The boxes after after scaling an insurmount of one hundred feet,
they've actually just kind of just paid their way in
and got it, basically, just broughed it away by giving
away a child to some tortials to get into boxes
to then get onto the grand whimsy. And that's what
it really matters about getting adventure.
Speaker 1: I cannot stress how happy I am with the way things.
Speaker 6: That's fine, kind of feels like an equitable trade. And
we traded a child for some some space at a
box for a cruise.
Speaker 1: We just did the Boola boom.
Speaker 4: The next morning, you guys have hung out in the
the big uh the fortress. You feel your crates being
loaded in at dawn. You're jostle awake inside your various
crates of cheeses, soft clothing. I don't even know what
create Kberra got into. And Georgier is clearly inside of
a big thing of lube, soft blankets, pillows and lubricants.
So you feel your crates.
Speaker 1: Being stacked inside most hideous jello mold.
Speaker 4: All right, So as your crusier creature being loaded in,
you feel some jostling, and then you hear intruders detected,
intruitors detected. Each of your lids are popped off, and
there's a war forge stirring down at each one.
Speaker 5: Of you occupied.
Speaker 1: I don't know, am I not sufficiently burrowed in in slippers.
Speaker 4: It's okay, y'all, It's okay, okay, uh uh uh you guys,
I believe you're the dicey bastards.
Speaker 6: Uh.
Speaker 4: Father Brandon send us a message that you'd be sneaking
onto the ship.
Speaker 1: Well, not really snaking, oh no, no no, Fortunately, your.
Speaker 4: Friend Kabert let us know that uh uh, you know,
you guys are getting on board the ship. He did
pay for your passage. We realized that there's a snap
crew that you never got your boarding passes. Someone stole
them from mind.
Speaker 1: You mean we could have solved this bureaucractically all along, Claudia,
we could have walked on.
Speaker 5: Hoddy.
Speaker 1: You've told us that we didn't have tickets. I just
spent the night in a fucking book. I don't you
know how old I am a box.
Speaker 7: Listen, you're probably the most comfortable.
Speaker 1: You've been in ages. I'm at the right angle, and
I know I will be at the right angle for
at least seven hours.
Speaker 2: Look at it this way. At least Hanzo's got It's true.
Speaker 4: For the hand guy, No, he's down. I'm just messing
the honest. Hi, everybody, my name is Julie. I'm the
chief personnel officer on board the Grand Whimsy.
Speaker 6: How are you.
Speaker 8: Mean?
Speaker 1: Well, jar could you please give me a handout of
this box?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 4: No, she's at the far end of the back of
the ship. Like one of the war words. Literally lifts
you out like like like an old wriggledly baby and
sets you on the ground. It goes back to stacking boxes.
Speaker 1: Thank you, my mechanical friend.
Speaker 6: At least tell me we're not getting a boat called
back here.
Speaker 4: Cru Director Julie, Yeah, I don't know what you're talking about, sir.
We're all of a certain age and these young kids
don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Moving on,
she was like, all right, so, yes, you do not
have your boarding passes, which is a little bit of
a snaf foo, but it actually might work out. The
captain would very much like to talk to you all.
If you all will gather and follow me, please, Well, Moog.
Speaker 6: Will point out that if you show us we are
totally innocent, party is we have way to get our
boarding passes back.
Speaker 4: Oh no, no, no, sir, we understand. We figured it
out where we've been doing this for. The Grand Whimsy
is a luxurious cruise liner that that caters to many needs,
and we also have some pretty shiit heads to kind
of douce certain things. You're not the first adventuring party
to fuck with the other ones. We totally understand that,
but we have a sort of a situation going on.
You will get to enjoy your twelve day cruise to
stock them perfectly. Fine, but we do have a job
to do. But if I if I give you your
boarding passes, then you might have certain limitations. The captain
will explain everything. We all would just be so kind
of follow me.
Speaker 2: I would like to very daintily follow with my hoofs,
you know, clattering on a wooden cruise.
Speaker 1: Yes, all right, you remember I tell you guys not
to to not murder everyone immediately. I did say immediately.
The whole murking thing might be on the cots. Keep
that in the back pocket. But we'll see how this
plays out.
Speaker 7: I'm assuming that overnight Claudia's paper clothes have dried into
like pinatas she has the crack out of it.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it kind of has like you have her a
little bit of merchandise. But that that is okay, the captain, Okay,
we'll make this happen.
Speaker 1: Regardless of that, We'll watch crawl out of her cirracle
paper mats shaple and say, ah, so it is how
clowns are born.
Speaker 6: Just what's the weather like, because if there's like too
much of a breeze, youre geiser might just slide right
over the laking of the.
Speaker 4: Side exactly, Okay, So as you guys come up out
of the hole. There's there's a main stair well that
leads are the back of the ship that goes up
and up and up in several levels. But as you're
going up the ship, I want everybody, you don't even
need a perception check. You're noticing this luxury cruise line
seems like anything but luxury. It seems like it's just
one giant freight ship. It it's a cargo ship, but
it's a giant, massive cargo ship. Now there is there
are two levels. You guys pass by. You see some
well dressed people like these two particular levels.
Speaker 8: But that's it.
Speaker 4: But you get to the top, it is you don't
see luxury anywhere. It's kind of weird, all right. So
you get to the very top of the deck. Yes, yes, yes, sir, yes, sir.
Speaker 1: I'm noticing, I mean call me ol fashion a distinct
lack of both whimsy and luxury on this whimsical luxury line.
Speaker 4: That is a very excellent observation, sir. Okay, So the
grand whimsy is a magical vessel. So on the two
decks you pass, there is a sleeping deck and there's
the activities deck. Both of those have portals to let's
just call them transdimensional spaces. The ship is bigger than
it realizes. There are extradential extra dimensional spaces all over
the ship. That nless you have all kinds of whimsy
and grand adventures. That luxury clues liners will gladly bring
you all your needs and wants. It's a fucking magic boat, sir.
Speaker 1: I see. Can't just get on a fucking boat and
play a bit of shuffle board anymore.
Speaker 4: Oh, you can play shuffle board if you want to.
Speaker 1: The top deck does have a you have to do
it in a black hole or whatever.
Speaker 4: Right, Oh, sir, you haven't even seen what our adventures
are off for you. But first we need to talk
to the captain. So who are sharing their screen? Hit
zoom to fits you can actually see the captain at
the bottom. She leads you to the four deck where
the captain is at the wheel, and you see a
well a bug bear, a very tall, very hairy, very
surly looking male bug bear. Y'all, I like to introduce
to introduce you to Captain Randall Vaughan munch Rugger.
Speaker 1: How are y'all doing doing fine, mister munch Shrugger.
Speaker 4: That's then munch Rugger from the Family of the How
are you gentlemen? Right, he's steering the wheel. He's like
he's just kind of like doing the hand thing, but
like it's not really doing much. He take his hand away,
does it magically on its own.
Speaker 5: He's like magic boats.
Speaker 4: All right, you guys are the dicey baschets, right, Okay?
Which one of you is s standy the I know
there's a there's a sticky wizard and a stand guy.
That's that's what father Brandon passed along. I recognize, I
know Colbert from the description.
Speaker 1: That's true. I am Stan Dandy Liver. This is the
sticky wizard. Jocerah that's sticky frame but equally unpleasant, moog
face Eta and uh Clodia who some kind of clown hybrid.
I'm not sure what's going on?
Speaker 4: All right, Father Brandon paid for your passage. Apparently the
totally in this party stole your passage, your your boarding tickets.
Not a problem. Now here's the thing. Everybody on this
ship has got a little magic bracelet they wear that
allows them to go in and out of portals.
Speaker 1: And do all kinds of things. But what you wear
these yes, that set off in an alarm. Should I
fall down, I.
Speaker 2: Think that's a necklace.
Speaker 5: You're thinking of.
Speaker 4: Life alert. No, these are these are these little portals. Now,
because the ship is magical, all of our decks, all
over our adventure zones, have little quirks about them that
it lets people have more of a crazier time aboard
the ship. And but at the end of the at
the end of the vessel, you can choose to stay
who you are or go back to the way you were.
You'll understand as you go about this now we can't
if we give you these bracelets, it will limit you.
It will stop all magic, stop all abilities. You will
only have the skills that you have as people. However,
I would like one I would like you guys to
not wear these bracelets, and we can remove any curses
and turn you back to rumble if necessary. But earlier
this morning there was a murder on the ship. I
don't believe it's any of the it's none of my staff. Yes,
So during the next ten to twelve days, I need
you to try to discern who the killer is. Someone killed.
Speaker 6: Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1: This is basically the fantasy of every human or creature
over seventy years old.
Speaker 5: You do realize I was thinking this is getting less
and less luxurious as he keeps talking.
Speaker 1: Oh no, let him take this is wonderful. A murder mystery, honest, Cruisier.
Speaker 4: I have two I have two teams on top of it,
the totally party and you, because you're the two that
you do know that they're heroes, right they stopped the
vampire and im thinking, really only have one team on this,
and that's us.
Speaker 1: It's totally innocent, but it couldn't solve a mystery of
where their farm is if their thumb was in their ass?
Speaker 4: Well, the team that wins, who wins right now, the
one that discovers an let's say justice. Okay, sure, the
team that wins will get five thousand gold uh, and
we'll have extra Uh. They'll be in my You can
ride the Grand Whimsy whenever you'd like. Oh nice, I'm
trying to keep this under the wraps. I don't need
the passengers learning about the murder like there was one
of the passengers was killed. We kind of got it
all up to the side before they realized it, but
we don't. The problem is we don't know how they
got in or.
Speaker 1: Out well, I assure you, sir, discretion is my middle name,
but not Moods or Kabas or Jewestras Claud's middle names.
All that weigh little monster fix.
Speaker 6: We will find the elves that that committed murder and
we will torture a confession out of them.
Speaker 4: If it isn't elf you bring them to me. Please
do not murder and torture in the passengers.
Speaker 2: Out of character? What are we putting down to odds
that the totally innocent party survives long enough to the
end of this competition?
Speaker 5: Move on the ship.
Speaker 4: Well, that is your business and there's a lot of
sea character. Okay, we will do you a fake it
it all right now, Julie will be your liaison. She's
going to passage you out. She's these she's gonna hand
you out these certain bracelets that are not going to
like diminish your abilities, but they will allow you passage
in and out of the portals. You have a you
have your own state room, and there are approximately twelve
for adventure zones.
Speaker 1: Will call them.
Speaker 4: It's a luxury cruise ship. We've tried to meet everybody's needs.
So uh, whether it's food, whether it's pleasure, whether it's literature,
whether it's arts, entertainment, exercise. Can we've got We've got
it all.
Speaker 1: Comes out in exercise.
Speaker 6: I guess those are moves neat minded.
Speaker 5: We're already being met.
Speaker 1: Just start making that jack enough.
Speaker 4: We do have an entire section that has one giant brothel.
If that happens to be your pleasure, they're monster, sticky wizard.
Speaker 1: So well we'll circle around to that. Okay, well, this
all sounds fascinating and great and fantastic. So who's the
the unlucky stiff? Where's the body? Do we get to
see the body? Do we get the pope the body?
Speaker 4: They'll take you down below. I don't have a map
for that specifically, but they'll take you down below to
one of the just we'll just call it the More
for the lack of better terms. It's like one of
the storage rooms they're using, and they find it's a
it's a young Elvin woman who seems to have been torn.
She's got, you know, give me a nature rule or
medicine rule. Give me various investigations to me like it
was self inflicted.
Speaker 1: I would just like to point out that Moog was
in a box all last evening.
Speaker 4: Nature role, so with a twelve uh, these are like
the attacks who not seem to come from a natural animal.
Speaker 1: Hmmm, well Moog isn't a natural animal, but Moog will
stab the corpse just to make sure it's dead.
Speaker 6: Julie just gives you the roll of the eyes.
Speaker 4: But they've actually been forewarned of your your group, So
she's just all right, I guess this is part and parcels.
She checks her clipboard.
Speaker 2: Okayally certain we're not the first ones to get crack
at the body for exactly this reason.
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, totally already did there.
Speaker 1: We have ascertained that the wounds on this body weren't
made by a weapon that is exactly the same as
the one Moove is just rammed into that body.
Speaker 5: We have a comparison.
Speaker 1: Now, yeah, well done, move all right.
Speaker 4: Now that being said, as long as there's no other murders,
this could have been a dock worker, could have been
something else. But we want we want teams to be
on the ready just in case things escalate. So what
we like you all to do is just kind of
like like just for the next twelve days, just go
out the cruise as you would, just enjoy the cruise
as she normally would see fit, but keep an eye out,
ask questions, figure things out, but also try to enjoy yourself.
This is your like mini vacation on our way to stract.
Speaker 1: This is not our first randomly murdered Elf Jeerlie. We're
going to be fine. But Matt, I ask who was
this unfortunate young alf lady.
Speaker 4: She was supposed to be my successor. I was going
to retire this guy after a few more Seaborn events.
She's gonna be She was gonna take over my position.
Speaker 1: Have a volatile relationship with no.
Speaker 4: Actually she was wonderful. She will you got along just famously,
you know, I was I've been doing I've been I've
been cruise director for the last seven years, and I
just want to move on to like I'm actually gonna
retire and distract them. I made a very good living.
I saved up my money. She was just taken over
for me. But then she was supposed to be shadowing
me late last night, and then we found her this
morning and she had been killed.
Speaker 1: Somebody had been shadowing.
Speaker 2: Huh.
Speaker 6: If you kill Elf, move understands.
Speaker 1: I guarantee you move won't tell anyone, No, sir, I
did not I did not do that. But uh, I mean,
if you would like to defile corpse, move won't tell anybody.
Speaker 2: No, not, my compatriot is considering every suspect as a
good detective.
Speaker 4: Must Where would you like to go first? I could
take you to the activities deck.
Speaker 6: What was the name, Jerlie?
Speaker 1: What was the dead woman's name? Just humanity?
Speaker 4: Her name was Beth Okay, I am I'm a professional,
and I'm trying to do my best too much, ab sir.
Speaker 1: You know I thought it would be something a little
bit more Beth Deaday.
Speaker 4: Well, my name is Julie. I'm not started with a
fantasy Bethany's silver wing heart. I don't give a fine fact.
Speaker 1: Just Defie. Let's call her Defanie because she's dead.
Speaker 6: We'll just pointing out that that humanity not implied, not
applied to elves.
Speaker 1: Move. You have a way of really sort of like
bringing the tone down.
Speaker 6: Mook is full on, so we can find hero who
kills who killed? Obviously evil elf.
Speaker 1: You have made this murder investigation very awkward.
Speaker 4: All right, what would you like to do first? I
could take you out of the activity's deck. You could
go to your you could go to check out your
rooms first. What is it like you like to do first,
or like you know what our what our activities actually
are first.
Speaker 2: Let's hear the activities. It'll give us a better understanding.
Speaker 5: Okay, I'd like this man to wipe his fingers across
my skin and then press them down on a clean surface.
Speaker 2: Wait what.
Speaker 5: Fingerprints?
Speaker 1: Oh you mean the captain or think it's just with
Julie right now?
Speaker 5: This is our first suspect. I see, it's important that
we get everyone's fingerprints on you. Well, no, here's the
grime from my body on a queen streams.
Speaker 1: That's gotta be a different way.
Speaker 6: To do that, just please, But that's not the one
we've chose.
Speaker 4: The captain's back upon deck.
Speaker 1: I well, he might have killed I don't Okay, I'm
afraid we're going to need most of your crew to
touch Joeceprah right now.
Speaker 2: That doesn't get a confession out of football.
Speaker 4: The thing is like, there's there's very little in the
way of crew. Most people will stay in the activity zones.
Speaker 1: Not brilliant. That makes a basy.
Speaker 4: The ship rose itself. This is a magical vessel through
and through most of them. We do have we do
have like employees at work in each zone for example,
like I'll go for example, we have the spa known
as the pamper Champ. We have the gym, the flex deck,
the bar and restaurants called the Impossible Taste, the pools
known as Wet Dreams, the survival games player day Away.
Speaker 1: Yes, yes, I'm not going in that pool.
Speaker 4: Okay, it's I mean, it's got a water slide.
Speaker 1: Everything is normally you just have to worry about a
bit of piss. But it sounds like in that pool.
Speaker 4: Oh no, that does so again. Every one of these
places to take us to like an exotic location built
inside the ships into transmensional zones. It's very wonderful. We
have a theater called Showboating. The survival game is Play
Your day Away. The sex club no holes barred, the
library not as the book Nook. We have a zoo Pandemonium,
the theater camp for the Inner Thespian, our Obstacle Course,
Big Favor of Everybody, the Hodgepodge Dodge, and our yoga
but called.
Speaker 6: Bench You over this has this man rubbed me yet?
Speaker 4: Now the captain's up on deck against her.
Speaker 1: We will not rest at all until we have solved
this murder in about six days.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and all drinks are free, and every in their
beverages in every location, the mini bar at oh in
in your state room you have, everybody has a magical cup.
Whatever you wanted to be filled with, it will filled
with that liquid and you can imbibe at your pleasure.
Speaker 1: Okay, let's not mix up our cups.
Speaker 2: Chap, nobody drink out at you Dorcer's cup.
Speaker 5: Your luck of operation is being noted.
Speaker 1: Well, it sounds like you know she's not going anywhere.
She's very dead, right, we could probably have a couple
of days off, Parl Deafanie. We will avenge you a Defanie.
Speaker 2: I mean we'll have to look over the entirety of
the ship to learn its layout, if nothing else.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but we've got ye soon, Defanie. Soon you will
be event but for now, quite like the idea of
that infinite whollhouse.
Speaker 5: I like the idea of the cup.
Speaker 1: Yes, you keep your cup mate, don't come near mind.
Speaker 6: It's been well since Mook had fermented dire wolf piss. Julie.
Speaker 1: Do you have a market ped I really want to personalize.
Speaker 6: Yes, sir.
Speaker 4: Once you touch the cups in each of your room.
It's activated to you and you alone.
Speaker 1: Oh thank fuck.
Speaker 4: All right, So the first thing she's going to do
is take you down to the activities that can show
you that she's like, okay, so here abore the grand whimsy.
Speaker 2: Oh so pretty.
Speaker 4: Every one of these portals leads you to one of
the twelve locations I listed, and you see people. You
see like kind of like just pay it's the morning.
People are excited. They're kind of like going in and
out of locations. Some of the locations are joint environments,
like for example, of the restaurant is you go in
and you share. It's a magical restaurant, so you sit
down in order, you think of any food you could
possibly want, and that chef will make it for you.
If you don't like who chef happens to be, don't worry.
They're all shape changers, so permanive to whatever it is
you want to see. Now, some places like the brothel
that is open to the public, same thing with the pool,
but certain zones, like the activity zones where the player
dayway zone that is independently so you go in it's
just you and your group, so you don't have to
worry about anybody else. If you go into the oh,
the obstacle course. People love the obstacle course. That is
again that's just you and your group, So you just
have fun in there. Feel free to just enjoy it. Now,
if you want to see your rooms, I'll take you there.
Speaker 1: We have enough obstacles in our day to day life.
We don't need it.
Speaker 4: Oh let's see. Okay, now I'm gonna let you all
know now the reason you're wearing special bracelets. Yes, you
can go in any of these zones. But because this
is a magical adventure. Let's say you go into the
obstacle course and you get really good at it, your
natural you're billy's natural agility will go up a little bit,
but one of your other, one of your other kind
of key elements to who you are mic go down
a little bit. It's a fun, adventurous way to like
kind of let the passengers go a little crazy over
this long voyage. And at the end of the adventure,
did they just take the bracelet off and go back
to normal. You all will have to have a special
curseor move, so be careful which rooms you go in
and out of, because it will change. You will be
able to use your powers and abilities, the other passengers cannot.
If you start murdering passengers, we will be know about it,
so please.
Speaker 6: Don't do that.
Speaker 4: But your your powers and abilities will alter.
Speaker 6: Murder involves them actually dying, right.
Speaker 4: Sir, Please don't.
Speaker 1: Press this the grand whimsy we do have, Julie, how
do you feel about maiming?
Speaker 4: I do my best to be professional. You are pressing it.
Speaker 6: How often do passengers say go missing? Like you know, overboard?
Speaker 2: Since Julie a bit of professional advice from one guide
to another, you might just want to plow past this.
Speaker 4: I'm doing my best.
Speaker 6: Sorry.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, they're not going to slow down. You can,
you can, you can, just.
Speaker 4: It's just a twitch in her eye, cobert One, you
recognize very clearly, like you know, she is just trying
to like, yeah, she speaks the code.
Speaker 7: So every single passenger has a bracelet, is that true?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 4: Not for long apparently, and it and it keeps their
abilities in check, so you can't have some random wizard
showing up just blowing old fireballs. So it keeps them
just limited to who they are as people. So they're
just generic based stats for the lack of better term. Uh,
you all will have access to your powers and abilities.
Speaker 6: So basically we are like God's here.
Speaker 4: Well Solton totally in is a party. They're also conducting
an investigation.
Speaker 1: Well, some of us don't actually have powers and ability.
Some of us get by on a skills moxi and experience.
Speaker 4: Well, for example, if you haven't be a naturally dexterous person,
you're just you. You lose all your your your bonuses,
I guess is a better way of saying it.
Speaker 1: One of you are a naturally old pass and uh
your back.
Speaker 4: Well, fortunately you won't have to worry about that, sir,
you have you just be old. Now we have a
wonderful spall. I'll help you ease easier way to or
we could send you to the gym where you could
like work out and get stronger.
Speaker 1: No fun that okay. So your dead friend Pefany, dear
old dead pany. What did she like to do on
Where did she hang out?
Speaker 5: Well?
Speaker 2: She was like me.
Speaker 4: She was a cruise director. She just go went from
place to place to make sure everybody was doing well.
As she now a particular thing. We we we stay
very busy on these cruise liners, sir. Most of people
who find out over, extremely professional and they're dedicated to.
Speaker 1: Their job, just like our friend, Uh, dedicated because she's dead.
Your friend is dead.
Speaker 4: Yes, our friend Bronson, the drud who works in the
sex club. He will wild shape into any animal that's
it's for consential sex if that happens to be your kink.
We have also all types of bondages. A lot of
people end up in the sex club, as strange as
it is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and where is the thanks club?
Speaker 4: She appoints to one pass. Would you like me to
take you to the room? Would I to go to
your rooms first to see that?
Speaker 6: Or it is like just grastruction bond did and suck club.
Speaker 2: Like a like a like a teenager, like buying like
ten things of water in a pack of con ands
like oh in these Yeah.
Speaker 4: Children are not are allowed into the sex club. They
can't get into the bar, which is odd, but they
cannot get into the sex club.
Speaker 6: So okay, Well, so technically accidents can happen in sex
club if say they forget safe word right.
Speaker 2: Again, You do not have to respond to that.
Speaker 6: You just see her.
Speaker 4: She's like what God's above and below? Just give me
the patience I need you to get through the goddamn thing.
All right, I'll say, you know what, you can find
your own fucking room. You're tired, you'll figure it out,
so you'll have a great day.
Speaker 2: I have a great one, Julie.
Speaker 4: Two weeks for retirement. You're saying, like, because he's like, no,
don't take that around this group.
Speaker 2: That's a different kind of black.
Speaker 4: You definitely see someone like she. She seems to be
a human woman in her like you know, i'd say,
like late forties, early fifties, and she's just looking like
she's just putting on that Southern charm as best she can.
Just like she's smiling. She just wants to go and
just go to her verse of Bok of Heratian. She's
he's done her, She's done her diligence.
Speaker 6: God dammit, So.
Speaker 1: Will avenge your dead friend, Julie. They're gonna go investigate
bro probably the sex club, Mark guys, probably sex clib
sex club, sex club. Yeah, just that character for me, gibbe.
Speaker 4: Uh.
Speaker 1: We we breezed past the body inspection, a little bit
of it than of the moogs forensics.
Speaker 4: You got twelve days.
Speaker 6: You.
Speaker 4: I built this thing to have as much fun as
you possibly want and basically you have enough time in
this episode to check out one or two rooms.
Speaker 5: If you like.
Speaker 1: But what we're saying about the wounds that we got
from the nature, Oh.
Speaker 4: Okay, so I mean you definitely know it wasn't it
wasn't a natural creature that did this. A natural animal
like it was like, for example, like these look like
claw wounds, but not like say, from a wolf for
a bear, and like that. But she was clawed up
by something.
Speaker 1: So something steely, so just not well, just.
Speaker 4: Not naturally occurring. It is not of the natural world.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 4: That's based on that role.
Speaker 1: So I would say to everybody else now that race
is doesn't exist in the D and D world. I
will say this with complete confidence. I don't really trust
autonomous I've met one before. He was fucking mental. They
all seem very useful, but then they'll just do some
insane shit with no human emotion whatsoever. Frankly, very terrifying.
Keep an eye on the mechanical chaps, That's what I'm.
Speaker 2: Saying, Like, did it do something crazy or was someone
else supposed to do something and they filled in their job.
Speaker 1: You're sounding a lot like a crazy autonomon right now.
Speaker 2: My friend, which created a domino of rendering their actions
seemingly crazy.
Speaker 4: That's a different kind of bastards. Let's focus on these
daisy ones, unless these salty ones. So I know that's awesome.
So you guys can go check out you want to
see your rooms first, or you can go check out
one of the other things. Unss, you can split up problems.
Speaker 2: I want my real cruise style. Let's see our rooms
and take a ship.
Speaker 4: Yeah, not a problem, I don't take it.
Speaker 6: Then you can just this obvious elf on elfa violence.
Speaker 4: Hey guy, I made it onto this ship, you know, no,
I I just put him there earlier.
Speaker 2: So sorry, Jesus, there's gonna be the endless jump scare.
Speaker 5: No, he was like he was.
Speaker 4: I put him on there earlier in the hopes that
you would keep him on board, but you clearly did not. Okay,
so uh there. You come into the room and it
is the perfect temperature for however, it feels natural to you.
If you like it hot, and it feels hot. If
you like a cold, it feels cold, et cetera. It
is not a nice, organic, open feel to it. The
food there is all types of food set on the table,
natural charcuiteries, and everybody's got a mug right there, there's
bathrooms with a shower bath and it's you're right, uh,
and everybody's got their own private bed.
Speaker 5: Now, this mug will fill itself with whatever I want.
Give it a shot, all right, I'll take my mug
and say, I'll.
Speaker 4: Put you over here to this mug here. Well, this
bottomug is dorse.
Speaker 5: First, I wish for you to be filled with the
miniaturized head of the killer.
Speaker 4: It looks like just blood because it's all it's a
liquid based drink, so uh, blood and what seems to
be liquefied bone fragments.
Speaker 5: So we need to get this to the lab.
Speaker 2: Give it to Moog. See if he tastes like elf blood.
I'm just assuming he knows.
Speaker 4: Okay, hand it over to Moog. Sure, okay, the liquid disappears.
Speaker 5: Were the shot shots. I'm gonna need to go taste
everyone's blood.
Speaker 2: So basically the perfect vacation for George Er exactly.
Speaker 4: I'm like, pardon, can I taste your blood?
Speaker 5: Excuse me?
Speaker 2: Excuse me? A little bit of your blood?
Speaker 5: A little bit? Yeah, Now I can do this easier.
I want it filled with the killers sweat, A.
Speaker 4: Big glass of sweat appears.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna take a nice long whiff.
Speaker 6: I'm gonna try something just just said, curiousity.
Speaker 4: Hang on, Rick, before we come to that.
Speaker 2: I'm not jumping over for this, the gross detective.
Speaker 4: You quaff down a big bucket of sweat, take a
nice long whiff.
Speaker 5: I'm I think i'd so they.
Speaker 4: Were talking there, uh you? It smells like sweat. It's
just a big like a sixteen ounces of sweat.
Speaker 5: All right, well, I mean I'm trying to get all
the nuances in there because I'm gonna have to start.
Speaker 4: Give me a percession.
Speaker 5: All right, there we go there.
Speaker 1: I think you should get advantage on this personal because
he strikes me somebody love experience in just.
Speaker 4: Fifteen that's a well above average. You have a you
you not saying you're a bloodhound, but you you jeff
you there you pick up a certain odor about the sweat.
Speaker 5: All right. Well, in an event that it comes down
to a sip as well, damn, watch it round your mouth.
You don't have to drink it.
Speaker 1: You could spit out after its like a wine tasting.
Speaker 4: Are you gonna are you gonna swallow?
Speaker 5: If that gives me advantage.
Speaker 1: Sure, I think we should bake into the rules right
now that it always gives you advantage. I think that's
sure something we could do.
Speaker 5: All right, I'm rolling twice, all right? Twenty three twenty three?
Speaker 6: All right?
Speaker 5: Which?
Speaker 6: Okay?
Speaker 4: Okay, which one of you you've got a closet? Now
you've got a which one is your familiar? You've got gimp?
Speaker 6: Uh?
Speaker 2: Is a closet in the closet?
Speaker 5: Yep, jimp spelled with a G.
Speaker 4: Are they both demonic in origin? H?
Speaker 2: Well they from Jersey?
Speaker 4: Yeah right, okay, so jorser, Now that you've smelled it
and tasted it and drank a little bit, this because
of your time around you're familiar, gives you an infernal feeling?
Speaker 5: Is there a doctor aboard?
Speaker 4: So also give me a constitution check se if you
vomit up like the a bucket of sweat. I don't
think this was I had a sip.
Speaker 1: I don't think he means infernal feeling is the same
as like burning sensation nor yeah shot check.
Speaker 4: Yes, because if you spent time around infernal beings, you
were getting you're picking up notes of infernal Okay, you
can hold it down, just fine, Good job.
Speaker 5: All right, it's time to start sniffing people.
Speaker 7: I'm assuming we're all staring at him waiting for some
kind of verdicts.
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, unless you guys want to go like personalize
your own mugs.
Speaker 6: So I do want to try something to like test
the limits of this. Yeah, Google pick up his and
be like, h mo, sure is thirsty for portion of
cloud giant strength.
Speaker 4: It just puffs and then like it's just like gut
wamp wamp.
Speaker 1: All right, good to know that doesn't work. Stan will
have a guy because we have been in a box
for most of this time. Mouthwash, yes, a big minty thing.
Speaker 4: Unless you prefer sit him in a mouthwash, then a
big minty mug of mouthwash appears nice.
Speaker 1: I will do the necessaries of that. Yet these other
barbarians you go immediately for kill a sweat, I mean
even breast your teeth, mate, I have a job to do.
Speaker 7: Colonia will grab her mug and saying up your foot,
and then's a would you would you send sight of
that georgier side of that sweat? Any verdict for us?
Speaker 5: Well? No, yeah, I haven't started sniffing people yet, that's true.
Speaker 2: I will, I'll pick up my uh, my mug. I
was trying to think of what the opposite of a
natural drink would be for someone who dislikes nature. Mountain
dew code red.
Speaker 4: This exactly mountain. It's all synthetic. You get the closest
proximity to the fantasy world equivalent of mountain dew code red.
Speaker 1: What of the few foods in real life you get
a mellow yellow doesn't exist in nature.
Speaker 2: Yeah, just take a sip and let a drop hits
the carpet and sizzles.
Speaker 4: You get mountain. What is the mountain lightning or whatever?
The the the Sam's Club version there.
Speaker 5: Is actually you know what, Claudia, Now that you mentioned it,
I might as well sniff you, just to see if
I can if there's a difference I noticed.
Speaker 1: Good luck, buddy, All right, grocer.
Speaker 4: You're getting close, Claudia. Do you allow this sniffing?
Speaker 2: Yes?
Speaker 7: What I smell like to other people to take a.
Speaker 4: Huge whift dorser. Oh, give me a perception check with advantage,
because she's she's allowing it. Also what Okay, I don't
even know this to be rude, but where are you sniffing?
Speaker 6: Face?
Speaker 4: Pits, chest leg.
Speaker 7: Giving him an arm?
Speaker 5: Okay, you know as long as she's offering, I won't
argue right.
Speaker 6: Uh ten.
Speaker 4: Past the normal grind that she tends to because she
tends to be a dirty person. You pick up straw
and cinnamon, does it.
Speaker 5: Smell distinctly different than the sweat and the cup?
Speaker 4: You mean that she doesn't seem to sweat at all,
and she smells like straw and cinnamon.
Speaker 5: Yes, all right, and I'll try and move.
Speaker 7: I'm motherfuckers right.
Speaker 1: If you're going to uh, clown, I knew it. Let's say,
Charles Ray, if you got to calibrate your senses. Maybe
not on the clown scarecrow.
Speaker 5: Uh, maybe you'll Moog, I thought you were volunteering.
Speaker 4: No, all right, moog, do you allow the sniffing? Sure
you shared a child together, So are you getting there
getting their whippi perception?
Speaker 1: Roll n?
Speaker 4: What does he smell?
Speaker 6: Moo, Mook's not really big Moog deep down is still
an orc, so he's not really big on bathing cancers?
Are he smells like the last thing he killed?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 4: So crocodile elf Uh let me see, like sand sea
water and whatever you was.
Speaker 6: In the thing.
Speaker 4: He stinks, but not in the way that that cup stinks.
Speaker 1: Okay, next, go on, then let's get this side of.
Speaker 5: All right.
Speaker 4: Now, you've laid in beoth with him many times, so
you have a pretty good sense of what he smells
twenty since twenty four.
Speaker 1: That old familiar stands smell, absorbing junior. Yeah, it's too
much have to shave, and just a hint of piss. Yeah,
like a perpetual like hangover, the smell of regret.
Speaker 4: Uh, you get, you get stands sense, and it's it's
not it's not. It's not the same as the cup.
All right, coboo, he punched you right in the face.
Horse kicks him right in the jaw, knocks a snappy
ass out.
Speaker 5: Well, you know, if he doesn't want me to sniff him,
that's fine, because I mean, I'm gonna have to get
used to sniffing people that don't want it.
Speaker 2: No cover. Caber will with one hand just guzzling this
mountain dew code red that is worryingly slashing about. He
will hand you his other arm that is not guzzling.
Speaker 5: I was gonna say, as long as your arm is lifted,
I might as well just get in there.
Speaker 2: Now he's handing you the free arm. You're not that
close and he doesn't want you that close.
Speaker 4: It's a nine. Uh, it's still a ship, so there's
a I mean you're no, you're in transmitional space. So
he puts his arm out. He kind of like bumps
you in the face a little bit. It's it's a perception.
It smells like like horse, you know, horseman traveled, you know,
good Barry, you know. It's like, uh, oddly enough, a
little bit.
Speaker 6: Of like diesel oil.
Speaker 4: You don't know why so, because he's not a natural
drew itself.
Speaker 5: No hint of horse in the cup was there?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 6: There was no.
Speaker 4: Well what's the last time you sniffed horse?
Speaker 7: Coming soon to Authors and Dragons dot com dot Dasherie
dot com. The sense of the Authors and Dragons.
Speaker 4: Right candles based off what George for smells. Also, you're smiffing,
you're only sniffing the man half. You don't know what
the horse half smells like.
Speaker 5: Might as well.
Speaker 4: Okay, now he keeps you in the face, you don't
have to go right round to the back. Immediately gets worse. Yeah,
to say this, it gets worse. You are there's the
man's got an open asshole, so.
Speaker 2: You know, yeah, I'm not stopping Joriser from smelling near me.
But I am farting as he does a horse. Motherfuckers,
and your mouth.
Speaker 1: Was open, So I don't know what you expected.
Speaker 4: Because of the fart. It's kind of ruined your your
taste of smell. Right now, you're like, you're like, you know,
so you're but you are convinced Bear is not yet
there you go, Cabara is not your culprit.
Speaker 5: All right, Well, the good news is this is going
to work.
Speaker 1: Well. I gotta admit I thought you were just doing
this for a sex thing. But no, you might be
onto something. It could be both. It's probably both.
Speaker 2: It's almost certainly both.
Speaker 6: Definitely all right.
Speaker 4: With a time we have left, Is there any other
room you would like to check out before we have
to sign off?
Speaker 5: Like, won't you?
Speaker 4: Probably a chance of time to check out one more good?
Speaker 5: Uh?
Speaker 4: Location on the ship? Is there an activity place you'd
like to try? First thing in the morning. Haven't eaten yet?
Speaker 1: You know what always helps me think? Families? Sexuals? Yes, nothing,
nothing quite the focus is the mind than a lady
who is paid to show you a fection?
Speaker 2: Oh I think you said horse.
Speaker 4: Oh well, I guess that's available to if you like,
so never really had that conversation.
Speaker 1: Cobe, we can find you. I guess it's a lady
horse or a horse and a lady. Don't know how
it works.
Speaker 2: Oh no, I'm going to find a horse sized bathtub
and enjoy the comforts of civilization.
Speaker 4: Actually, the bathtub down then there is. It's like a
fifteen foot bathtub. There's the bathroom. If you do the map,
it's huge. You could easily fit into these end of
that bathtub.
Speaker 5: You know what.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I should show some curtsy to the sex workers.
I should probably get cleaned up there.
Speaker 4: The shower down there is let me see five ten
fifteen again, it's a fifteen by fifteen shower like five
like a twelve and a half foot tub. Yeah, there's
there's room.
Speaker 5: Yeah, go for it.
Speaker 2: All right, I think we all know where this is
is going, So let's just go ahead and let the
viewers start imagining. That's right, it's time for shower hunk.
Speaker 4: Volleyball and playing with the boys from top colors.
Speaker 2: Just all shirtless in the shower, spiking the volleyball shaped
soap around arm.
Speaker 1: You know, three minute.
Speaker 4: Spinning the volleyball in the middle finger, you know. Aviator
Glasses kicks.
Speaker 2: One of the volleyball back for one of the returns.
Speaker 1: Nice people who are starting to zone out are just like,
oh right now, it's kind of interesting again. But you know,
of course, we can't actually provide that for you, dear listening.
You have to just imagine it in your head.
Speaker 2: Yeah ay, wait, wait, we gave you the music and
the tools. You can handle the rest.
Speaker 4: Hey, I'll take care of everything for us, don't worry.
Speaker 2: Uh yeah, actual imagination, motherfucker.
Speaker 1: Man.
Speaker 2: I went into actual without an eye, and boy am
I glass.
Speaker 5: My brain came through.
Speaker 4: With every one of your cabre and introductions the beginning
I had, I did not. I wasn't worried. Let's not worry,
all right, do you want to go to Do you
want to at least go see the brothel before you
head out, before you sign up for the night, or
say that for the next episode.
Speaker 2: I think we got to give the people something to
come back to.
Speaker 1: Yeah, boo, all right, I think this.
Speaker 4: Is what we're gonna sign off. Then on the first
day on the Grand.
Speaker 1: Whimsay, they just had three minutes of man ass.
Speaker 2: Let's let's pretend we're fading out on the shower hun.
Speaker 4: Speaking next time, I mean his group shower scene on
behalf of Emily cap We'll see whether Drew Hayes, Rick
wal Terry and Robert Bevan.
Speaker 6: I'm m. K. Gibson.
Speaker 4: We've been the Dicey Bastards and you've been great. Thank
you all everybody. We'll see you next time.
Speaker 5: Bye bye.
Speaker 8: You've been listening to Dicey Bastards to see if authors
and Dragons check us out our Authors and Dragons dot
com or look up our Patreon if you want to supporters,
get secret content and hang out on our discord. Music
by the Gorcore
Speaker 2: Four Nobody Drink out of Chorcerer's Cup