WEBVTT 1 00:00:10.119 --> 00:00:15.880 The hat Man by Rebecca Lee Wesson. South of Julesburg 2 00:00:16.280 --> 00:00:21.359 is a stretch of vacant and unspoiled American frontier. Unique 3 00:00:21.399 --> 00:00:24.320 to this place is the way it subtly displays the 4 00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:28.000 untapped potential we so often read about in the journals 5 00:00:28.039 --> 00:00:32.840 of the pioneers who crossed it. There are no bright flowers, 6 00:00:33.119 --> 00:00:38.880 chirping insects, or gentle rains flagrantly boasting these promises. There 7 00:00:38.880 --> 00:00:42.200 are no great rivers or snowcapped mountains in the distance 8 00:00:42.320 --> 00:00:46.359 to serve as a finish line. Instead, one gets the 9 00:00:46.439 --> 00:00:51.520 distinct impression that underneath the deceiving layer of melancholic emptiness 10 00:00:52.039 --> 00:00:58.719 draped across its unremarkable terrain is an indescribable richness. This 11 00:00:58.880 --> 00:01:02.200 hand is remiss in attempting to describe it with words, 12 00:01:02.719 --> 00:01:06.959 knowing that a proper explanation could only ever be accomplished 13 00:01:07.239 --> 00:01:12.079 by a skilled paintbrush or eldritch bird song. There is 14 00:01:12.079 --> 00:01:16.239 something innately mysterious and wonderful about it all. And in 15 00:01:16.280 --> 00:01:20.599 this terrain, permanently washed by diluted blues and grays, no 16 00:01:20.680 --> 00:01:23.560 matter the season or position of the sun in the sky, 17 00:01:24.159 --> 00:01:27.000 we know deeply in our hearts that the land has 18 00:01:27.079 --> 00:01:30.040 a voice, and we desperately beg of it to tell 19 00:01:30.120 --> 00:01:34.120 us the thousands of colorful stories at Hydes just under 20 00:01:34.200 --> 00:01:43.120 the surface, Signed Claude Eugene Shaw, nineteen forty. My teacher 21 00:01:43.159 --> 00:01:46.280 made me stand up and read that article for smarting off, 22 00:01:46.640 --> 00:01:49.280 and I humiliated myself in front of the rest of 23 00:01:49.319 --> 00:01:53.640 the sixth grade trying to say words like eldritch and melancholic. 24 00:01:54.879 --> 00:01:57.040 I had no idea what it meant, but I liked 25 00:01:57.040 --> 00:02:01.200 the photograph that it came with. It wasn't anything remarkable, 26 00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:04.040 just a dead tree looking out over the low rolling 27 00:02:04.120 --> 00:02:06.959 hills of open land, as big and wide as the 28 00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:10.599 eye could see. But there was something special about it. 29 00:02:10.639 --> 00:02:14.800 To me. It felt familiar. It felt like I had 30 00:02:14.840 --> 00:02:18.680 belonged there all this time, and only by some divine accident, 31 00:02:18.879 --> 00:02:22.159 ended up in the dumpy little town of Price, Missouri. 32 00:02:23.800 --> 00:02:26.280 On the right side of the picture was the front 33 00:02:26.360 --> 00:02:31.960 of mister Claude Eugene Shaw's old nineteen thirties Chevrolet. I 34 00:02:32.039 --> 00:02:34.159 knew it was a Chevrolet because it looked like the 35 00:02:34.199 --> 00:02:38.319 one resting in the junkyard behind Mama's trailer, except the 36 00:02:38.360 --> 00:02:41.479 one in the picture still had its bullet lights and 37 00:02:41.520 --> 00:02:45.280 fenders and didn't have a family of raccoons living in it. 38 00:02:46.520 --> 00:02:50.120 Later I asked my friend Tina what the article meant. 39 00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:54.280 She was the smartest person I knew. She said that 40 00:02:54.360 --> 00:02:58.599 the place mister Shaw was talking about in northeastern Colorado 41 00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:02.120 was special, had a lot going on under the surface. 42 00:03:03.240 --> 00:03:05.879 She was just as taken with the articles as I 43 00:03:06.120 --> 00:03:08.719 was with the picture, and we decided to see it 44 00:03:08.759 --> 00:03:12.560 one day with our own eyes. That was a big 45 00:03:12.599 --> 00:03:16.000 deal for two girls from the world's worst small town. 46 00:03:16.759 --> 00:03:18.680 We may as well have made a pack to fly 47 00:03:18.840 --> 00:03:23.439 to the moon. Nobody got out of price not alive anyway. 48 00:03:25.280 --> 00:03:28.120 That was the same day the hat man started showing 49 00:03:28.199 --> 00:03:31.520 up in my life. He wasn't the first ghost I 50 00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:35.080 had seen, but he was definitely the only one in 51 00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:39.719 a pin striped suit and bowler hat. There wasn't anything 52 00:03:39.800 --> 00:03:44.159 particularly scary or mean about him except that he was dead, 53 00:03:45.280 --> 00:03:48.719 except that nobody else could see him, except that I 54 00:03:48.840 --> 00:03:51.800 knew he was waiting on me, and that meant I 55 00:03:51.840 --> 00:03:56.639 wouldn't grow old like my best friend. Seven years and 56 00:03:56.719 --> 00:03:59.680 two months later, there we were driving through in the 57 00:03:59.719 --> 00:04:05.039 brass on our way south of Julesburg, Colorado. Tina Duck 58 00:04:05.120 --> 00:04:08.520 taped the photograph from mister Shaw's article to the dashboard 59 00:04:08.520 --> 00:04:11.439 of her car, and we high tailed it out of Price, 60 00:04:11.599 --> 00:04:15.199 like two inmates busting out of jail, going as quickly 61 00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:19.439 as Tina's old red hatchback would take us. In my 62 00:04:19.560 --> 00:04:23.639 lap was a wooden box with my name, Francis Brenda 63 00:04:23.839 --> 00:04:28.560 Hooper stamped over a hand painted cardinal. I tapped the 64 00:04:28.600 --> 00:04:30.959 top of it with my fingers like a drum to 65 00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:33.959 the song on the radio, looking from the picture on 66 00:04:34.079 --> 00:04:38.600 the dash to Tina and smiling my ass off. It 67 00:04:38.639 --> 00:04:41.319 was the first time in our lives we had left Price, 68 00:04:41.600 --> 00:04:45.560 and it felt good. It felt gooder than good. Even 69 00:04:45.600 --> 00:04:50.480 my mama's relentless, blistering voice had stopped berating me. The 70 00:04:50.519 --> 00:04:53.800 hat man was still following me, though I could see 71 00:04:53.839 --> 00:04:57.040 him in the field, standing there watching me from a distance. 72 00:04:58.360 --> 00:05:01.040 A disco song came on the ra and I tried 73 00:05:01.079 --> 00:05:04.360 to change the station, but it crackled and garbled under 74 00:05:04.360 --> 00:05:08.839 my clumsy fingers. I couldn't even get that right. Tina 75 00:05:08.879 --> 00:05:12.639 cursed and slammed her fist on the dashboard, eventually getting 76 00:05:12.680 --> 00:05:16.519 the radio to work again. She glanced at me sideways, 77 00:05:16.560 --> 00:05:19.399 and I tried to keep my blundering hands to myself. 78 00:05:20.920 --> 00:05:23.879 Five hours into our escape, we passed by the first 79 00:05:23.920 --> 00:05:27.519 sign for the town of Oglala and I laughed out loud. 80 00:05:28.120 --> 00:05:31.720 Oh my lord, it's real, I said, wide eyed and 81 00:05:31.759 --> 00:05:35.600 looking at Tina. When we mapped our way to Colorado, 82 00:05:35.720 --> 00:05:38.680 we saw Oglala on the map, and I told her 83 00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:41.879 there was no way that place really existed, And each 84 00:05:41.920 --> 00:05:45.000 time I tried to pronounce it, I gagged and swallowed 85 00:05:45.040 --> 00:05:48.800 my tongue, embarrassing myself and desecrating the name of what 86 00:05:49.000 --> 00:05:54.680 was probably an honorable historic town. Tina nearly peter pants 87 00:05:54.759 --> 00:05:58.680 laughing at me. She smiled in the driver's seat and 88 00:05:58.720 --> 00:06:01.439 shook her head. I guess she was having the same 89 00:06:01.519 --> 00:06:04.600 memory as me. She was still mad at me, though, 90 00:06:04.639 --> 00:06:07.600 and I knew why. I wanted to bring it up, 91 00:06:07.639 --> 00:06:10.920 but I couldn't. She wasn't talking to me anyway, not 92 00:06:11.040 --> 00:06:15.399 after what I did. Twenty minutes later, we were in 93 00:06:15.480 --> 00:06:18.240 line at the most wonderful place in the world, the 94 00:06:18.360 --> 00:06:23.439 Oglalla Walmart. Tina may have been giving me the silent treatment, 95 00:06:23.519 --> 00:06:26.079 but I knew she liked me because she was buying 96 00:06:26.120 --> 00:06:29.120 me my favorite jerky and a brand new roll of 97 00:06:29.240 --> 00:06:32.519 duct tape. It was all I ever bought there. I 98 00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:35.160 felt there were a few other things you needed in life. 99 00:06:36.639 --> 00:06:39.000 The guy ahead of us was wearing scrubs, and the 100 00:06:39.079 --> 00:06:43.079 lady behind us smelled like a craft store. Behind her 101 00:06:43.240 --> 00:06:46.120 was the hat man. He looked at me and nodded, 102 00:06:46.160 --> 00:06:49.279 and I turned around quickly, pretending I didn't see him. 103 00:06:50.560 --> 00:06:53.600 Tina and I stood there in silence and waited our turn. 104 00:06:54.199 --> 00:06:58.000 The checkout lady wasn't particularly friendly, but I liked her. 105 00:06:59.120 --> 00:07:03.439 She had long gray brown hair, silver rings on every finger, 106 00:07:03.839 --> 00:07:07.000 and one of those nothing surprises me anymore looks on 107 00:07:07.079 --> 00:07:10.959 her face. When we got closer, I saw she had 108 00:07:10.959 --> 00:07:14.519 a tattoo of a cardinal on her arm. That was 109 00:07:14.560 --> 00:07:18.560 my favorite bird. I elbowed Tina and pointing to it, 110 00:07:18.600 --> 00:07:22.560 but her reaction wasn't what I wanted. She looked away 111 00:07:22.560 --> 00:07:25.279 from it and sniffled, and when it was our turn, 112 00:07:25.560 --> 00:07:30.519 the checkout lady eyed me suspiciously. I shrugged and stood 113 00:07:30.560 --> 00:07:33.519 off to the side, and when our stuff was bagged, 114 00:07:33.839 --> 00:07:37.959 she eyed me again and looked at Tina sympathetically and 115 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:42.360 wished her a nice day. I didn't take it personally, though, 116 00:07:42.920 --> 00:07:45.879 in my whole life, Tina was the only person who 117 00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:50.199 had ever liked me? In the car again, Tina looked 118 00:07:50.199 --> 00:07:52.920 at me in the box in my lap, wanting to 119 00:07:52.959 --> 00:07:56.240 say something, but having too many words and none at 120 00:07:56.279 --> 00:08:00.319 all at the same time. She opened her glove compartant 121 00:08:00.360 --> 00:08:03.279 for the tissue, but instead found the envelope a note 122 00:08:03.319 --> 00:08:05.639 I had put there for her before we left on 123 00:08:05.720 --> 00:08:09.600 this trip. She paused for a second when she saw it, 124 00:08:09.759 --> 00:08:13.199 and then took it out and opened it. Inside were 125 00:08:13.279 --> 00:08:16.639 three hundred bucks I had saved up for her. She 126 00:08:16.800 --> 00:08:19.240 tried to read the note I wrote on the envelope, 127 00:08:19.240 --> 00:08:22.319 but couldn't make it out. I leaned over and tried 128 00:08:22.360 --> 00:08:26.439 to read my handwriting, but it was pointless, something about 129 00:08:26.519 --> 00:08:30.360 apologizing for hurting her and thanking her for her friendship, 130 00:08:30.600 --> 00:08:35.320 if I remembered it correctly. My appalling lack of vocabulary 131 00:08:35.399 --> 00:08:39.240 made my feelings difficult to describe. Though maybe it was 132 00:08:39.360 --> 00:08:43.399 better an illegible scribble than her witnessing my failed attempt 133 00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:48.960 at being poetic. I sighed at my atrocious penmanship. It 134 00:08:49.000 --> 00:08:51.879 looked like a squirrel had gotten a hold of a crayon. 135 00:08:53.039 --> 00:08:55.919 I know it isn't much, I said, but it'll help 136 00:08:55.919 --> 00:09:00.559 you get settled. Tina stared at her steering wheel, leaned 137 00:09:00.559 --> 00:09:03.720 her head against it and cried. I hung my head 138 00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:07.720 and looked at my hands. Mama was right. No matter 139 00:09:07.759 --> 00:09:12.039 what I did, I messed everything up. And yet after 140 00:09:12.120 --> 00:09:15.200 all that I put Tina through, there she was still 141 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:19.559 taking me to Colorado. I didn't deserve her. I wish 142 00:09:19.679 --> 00:09:22.080 she'd get mad and yell at me and get it 143 00:09:22.120 --> 00:09:26.559 all off her chest, but she didn't. She wiped her 144 00:09:26.559 --> 00:09:29.759 eyes and put her sunglasses back on, over the mess 145 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:34.679 and got us back on the highway. Two weeks earlier, 146 00:09:34.879 --> 00:09:38.120 Tina and I were walking down Main Street and Price 147 00:09:38.360 --> 00:09:42.759 gathering everything she needed for school. She had gotten accepted 148 00:09:42.799 --> 00:09:46.000 into college all the way over in Colorado, which was 149 00:09:46.120 --> 00:09:49.360 unheard of for a kid from our town. She was 150 00:09:49.399 --> 00:09:54.240 actually going to leave. Nobody did that. If you weren't 151 00:09:54.279 --> 00:09:57.879 pregnant by sixteen, you were either dead or in jail 152 00:09:57.960 --> 00:10:02.519 by twenty. But not Tina. Though she was going places. 153 00:10:03.039 --> 00:10:05.919 She had this innate ability to get through hell with 154 00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:09.840 grace and acceptance. While the rest of us wallowed in 155 00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:13.080 our pitiful fates, Tina found a way to roll up 156 00:10:13.120 --> 00:10:16.519 her sleeves and thrive when we felt stuck in the 157 00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:19.200 bubble of our pitiful town. She found a way to 158 00:10:19.240 --> 00:10:25.039 get out. She was just built different, unlike Tina, whose 159 00:10:25.080 --> 00:10:28.720 wits and sensibility never could rub off on me. I 160 00:10:28.759 --> 00:10:32.679 knew i'd never leave Price alive. It didn't bother me though. 161 00:10:33.159 --> 00:10:36.480 It was just one of those things. Some people were 162 00:10:36.519 --> 00:10:40.360 meant to go places, but not me. I had accepted 163 00:10:40.360 --> 00:10:43.480 that fact since I was a kid. There was something 164 00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:47.840 wrong with me anyway. I saw people no one else could, 165 00:10:48.360 --> 00:10:50.919 and the less time I had to spend living with 166 00:10:51.039 --> 00:10:56.960 that unfortunate talent, the better. I waited outside mister Wallace's 167 00:10:57.000 --> 00:11:00.639 computer store while Tina looked for a cord he probably 168 00:11:00.679 --> 00:11:04.200 didn't have it stopped. I watched several cars go by 169 00:11:04.639 --> 00:11:07.360 and waved at people who didn't like me, and squinted 170 00:11:07.440 --> 00:11:11.000 in the hot sun. But as I waited, the noise 171 00:11:11.080 --> 00:11:14.600 slowly faded and the hairs on my arms went rigid, 172 00:11:15.120 --> 00:11:17.519 and I looked down the block and saw the hat 173 00:11:17.559 --> 00:11:21.120 man in his old bowler in suit waiting for me. 174 00:11:22.519 --> 00:11:25.159 I ducked into the narrow alley next to the store 175 00:11:25.200 --> 00:11:28.120 and peeked out, relieved to see that he was gone. 176 00:11:28.960 --> 00:11:31.320 But just as my heart beat went back to normal, 177 00:11:31.720 --> 00:11:35.200 I felt someone in the alley behind me. It wasn't 178 00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:39.720 the hat man, though, it was Mama. Her strain, breathing 179 00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:43.720 in the wreek of stale cigarettes assaulted my senses, turning 180 00:11:43.759 --> 00:11:48.080 my stomach and making my hands quiver. She walked her 181 00:11:48.080 --> 00:11:52.039 fingers up my arm and clutched her lifeless, bony hand 182 00:11:52.159 --> 00:11:56.080 around my shoulder. Give the hat man what he wants, you, twit, 183 00:11:56.759 --> 00:12:01.600 she whispered hatefully into my ear. The smell of her 184 00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:05.799 rotting skin filled my nose, and tears welled in my eyes. 185 00:12:06.480 --> 00:12:08.720 As if her presence in my life when she was 186 00:12:08.799 --> 00:12:12.960 living wasn't hellish enough, she had dedicated her death to 187 00:12:12.960 --> 00:12:16.879 torturing me too. The bell on the door of mister 188 00:12:16.960 --> 00:12:20.720 Wallace's shop rang, and Tina stepped out, looking for me. 189 00:12:21.519 --> 00:12:23.840 I ran out of the alley as fast as I could, 190 00:12:23.879 --> 00:12:28.240 startling her. What's going on, she asked me, worriedly. I 191 00:12:28.320 --> 00:12:32.080 watched Mama's pale, twisted face creep back into the shadow 192 00:12:32.200 --> 00:12:34.759 of the alley, and then looked at Tina, and I 193 00:12:34.799 --> 00:12:37.679 shook my head. I think there's a dead rat in there. 194 00:12:38.120 --> 00:12:41.200 Scared me as all, I said, rubbing my neck and 195 00:12:41.240 --> 00:12:47.480 praying for a subject change. Squeak squeak, squeak. By miracle, 196 00:12:47.720 --> 00:12:50.759 the most annoying sound in the world filled the air. 197 00:12:51.440 --> 00:12:55.480 We heard Rodney, the deep enemy of women, everywhere before 198 00:12:55.519 --> 00:12:59.559 we saw him. He drove a rustling old el Camino 199 00:12:59.639 --> 00:13:03.879 with a squeaking suspension and serpentine belt that sounded like 200 00:13:03.960 --> 00:13:08.120 it was ready to snap off. The passenger window was missing, 201 00:13:08.159 --> 00:13:10.759 and there were still old cigarettes in the ash tray 202 00:13:10.840 --> 00:13:14.320 from the previous owner that Rodney refused to throw away 203 00:13:14.720 --> 00:13:19.840 because they quote added to the vibe. He pulled that 204 00:13:19.919 --> 00:13:23.240 beater up next to us on the sidewalk and squeaked 205 00:13:23.279 --> 00:13:26.039 slowly down the parking lane with one hand on the 206 00:13:26.080 --> 00:13:29.399 steering wheel and his head bent low over the passenger 207 00:13:29.480 --> 00:13:32.399 seat to get a word in with Tina, and to 208 00:13:32.559 --> 00:13:35.320 her horror, he had a crush on her since the 209 00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:40.000 eighth grade. Tina, Hey, Tina, He shouted over the wine 210 00:13:40.000 --> 00:13:44.320 of his rustbucket, wearing flaming orange wayfarers and a baseball 211 00:13:44.360 --> 00:13:48.559 hat with the rim bent upward. When he swerved dramatically 212 00:13:48.639 --> 00:13:52.360 back onto the main stretch to avoid mister Wallace's park truck, 213 00:13:52.840 --> 00:13:57.759 Tina took cover in Miss Patty's boutique. Rodney steered back 214 00:13:57.759 --> 00:14:00.840 towards the sidewalk and crept up the park lane, and 215 00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:04.039 when he looked for Tina again, he got Francis Brenda 216 00:14:04.120 --> 00:14:08.679 Hooper and all her husky goodness instead. I slammed my 217 00:14:08.759 --> 00:14:11.080 hands on the roof of his car and squatted down 218 00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:15.399 next to the passenger door. Hey, I shouted, quickly wedging 219 00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:18.799 my thick torso into the frame of the window before 220 00:14:18.840 --> 00:14:22.960 he could drive off. Rodney screamed like a gopher. What 221 00:14:23.000 --> 00:14:26.480 the hell's wrong with you? Hoop? He said, as my 222 00:14:26.600 --> 00:14:29.279 wide behind stuck out the window and got a free 223 00:14:29.399 --> 00:14:32.320 ride down Main Street. I slapped the hat off his 224 00:14:32.440 --> 00:14:35.080 head and finished his warm coke and the cup holder 225 00:14:35.120 --> 00:14:38.480 for him. I crinkled the can and tried to throw 226 00:14:38.480 --> 00:14:41.399 it out the driver's side window, but I realized too 227 00:14:41.480 --> 00:14:44.080 late that it was rolled up, and the can hit 228 00:14:44.120 --> 00:14:46.919 the glass, hit his knee and fell to the floor 229 00:14:46.960 --> 00:14:49.879 at his feet, and he groaned and rolled his eyes. 230 00:14:50.240 --> 00:14:53.279 Damn it, hoop, he said, putting his hat back on 231 00:14:53.320 --> 00:14:57.320 his head. My bad, tell me ride, I said, with 232 00:14:57.399 --> 00:14:59.440 one hand on the dash and the other on the 233 00:14:59.480 --> 00:15:02.919 headrest to the passenger seat. You gonna drive yourself to prison? 234 00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:07.279 Or is your mullet gonna take you. Shut up, Friz whizz. 235 00:15:07.720 --> 00:15:11.600 Rodney sneered, it ain't a mullet. Get out of my car. 236 00:15:11.960 --> 00:15:15.960 No way, this is kind of comfortable, I said, looking 237 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:20.039 around the dusty, cigarette stained cloth interior and nodding my 238 00:15:20.120 --> 00:15:24.240 approval like the real estate people did on TV. I 239 00:15:24.279 --> 00:15:26.799 tried to adjust my stomach to the window sill, but 240 00:15:26.879 --> 00:15:31.639 I couldn't. Anyway, I'm stuck. Where's Tina. All I wanted 241 00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:34.519 to do was tell her goodbye? While you always got 242 00:15:34.559 --> 00:15:37.200 a butt in when I'm talking to her, he asked, 243 00:15:37.279 --> 00:15:41.320 looking like my presence afflicted him in every way. He 244 00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:44.600 veered back onto Main Street again to avoid the blue sedan. 245 00:15:45.279 --> 00:15:48.840 As my feet dragged slowly along the pavement and pleasantly 246 00:15:48.919 --> 00:15:51.960 in tow, one of my flip flops fell off and 247 00:15:52.039 --> 00:15:55.480 my butt knocked into Miss Betty, who was loading groceries 248 00:15:55.519 --> 00:15:58.519 in the back seat of her car. She dropped a 249 00:15:58.519 --> 00:16:00.639 bag of food and cursed at me, and then through 250 00:16:00.679 --> 00:16:04.440 my flip flop at Rodney's bumper. Sorry, miss b I 251 00:16:04.559 --> 00:16:08.399 shouted over my butt and turned back to Rodney. You're 252 00:16:08.440 --> 00:16:11.480 not allowed to talk to Tina because friends don't let 253 00:16:11.600 --> 00:16:16.000 friends talk to guy's name Rodney driving El Caminos, I said, 254 00:16:16.120 --> 00:16:19.320 grimacing at the old cigarettes I'm pretty sure had started 255 00:16:19.360 --> 00:16:23.840 to decay. Plus, man, you look like this car smells. 256 00:16:24.360 --> 00:16:27.360 I can't let you tarnish the reputation of Prices star 257 00:16:27.639 --> 00:16:31.320 child with your vibe. Shut up, Hope, you look like 258 00:16:31.399 --> 00:16:36.120 an eighties Walmart greeter. I patted my short and frizzy 259 00:16:36.159 --> 00:16:39.360 blonde hair that refused to grow longer than a couple 260 00:16:39.399 --> 00:16:41.960 of inches and tried to figure out what he meant 261 00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:45.240 by that. I guess it was supposed to be an insult, 262 00:16:45.960 --> 00:16:48.879 but it didn't work on me, because, first of all, 263 00:16:49.000 --> 00:16:52.360 the eighties had the best music. Is this kid really 264 00:16:52.360 --> 00:16:55.399 gonna insult me by saying I look like I'm from 265 00:16:55.480 --> 00:17:00.200 the era of def Leopard Hell? Yes, and thank you? 266 00:17:00.759 --> 00:17:04.640 And second of all, I love Walmart. Where else can 267 00:17:04.680 --> 00:17:07.359 you buy emergency beef jerky and duct tape at ten 268 00:17:07.440 --> 00:17:12.319 pm on a Tuesday. Anyway, since Rodney gave me a compliment, 269 00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:16.519 I returned the favor. Oh yeah, Rodney, I said, well, 270 00:17:16.839 --> 00:17:21.359 you look like you're great President mister George Washington. Rodney 271 00:17:21.400 --> 00:17:24.480 scrunched his nose up and scowled at me. Why do 272 00:17:24.559 --> 00:17:28.000 you always got to be so weird? Who, he said. 273 00:17:28.880 --> 00:17:32.160 I shrugged and looked at my stubby nails. I don't know, 274 00:17:32.519 --> 00:17:36.160 just lucky, I guess, I said, picking off the last 275 00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:39.079 chunk of blue polished Tina put on the week before. 276 00:17:40.000 --> 00:17:45.519 Rodney sighed, still leaving on Saturday, He asked, yeah, and 277 00:17:45.559 --> 00:17:49.240 you're sorry as better stay away from her until then. Hey, 278 00:17:49.720 --> 00:17:52.799 run me into that mirror there, I said, pointing to 279 00:17:52.839 --> 00:17:55.559 the side of view mirrors sticking out of an old, 280 00:17:55.599 --> 00:17:58.440 abandoned Ford that had been parked on the side of 281 00:17:58.480 --> 00:18:02.799 Main Street for the last year. Rodney obliged and steered 282 00:18:02.839 --> 00:18:06.400 toward it. As the mirror hit the side of my butt, 283 00:18:06.519 --> 00:18:09.599 it pushed on my hips and unweddged me from the window. 284 00:18:10.359 --> 00:18:12.720 I stood up and dusted the vibe of the El 285 00:18:12.759 --> 00:18:16.759 Camino off my shirt, and before I could harass him anymore, 286 00:18:17.160 --> 00:18:21.160 Rodney hit the gas and flip me the bird. Peace out, loser, 287 00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:27.240 he said, as he drove away. Squeak, squeak, squeak. I 288 00:18:27.279 --> 00:18:29.960 slapped his bumper with my palm and waved my hand 289 00:18:30.079 --> 00:18:33.039 high in the air. Thanks for the ride, Ridney. Say 290 00:18:33.119 --> 00:18:35.640 hi to your mom for me in jail, I shouted 291 00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:39.200 as loud as I could. Tina caught up with me 292 00:18:39.319 --> 00:18:41.839 and handed me my flip flop and a stick of 293 00:18:41.880 --> 00:18:46.079 fruity gum. Thanks for saving me, she said, what the 294 00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:50.000 rat king want this time? I slid my sandal back 295 00:18:50.039 --> 00:18:52.640 on and shoved the gum in my mouth and bobbed 296 00:18:52.680 --> 00:18:55.279 my head side to side with my hands on my hips, 297 00:18:55.880 --> 00:18:59.440 trying to sum up the long winded a philosophical conversation 298 00:18:59.799 --> 00:19:03.960 RO and I had. Oh, you know, his majesty told 299 00:19:04.039 --> 00:19:06.880 me that I'm the coolest person he ever met, and 300 00:19:06.920 --> 00:19:09.519 he wanted to tell you goodbye. Do I smell like 301 00:19:09.640 --> 00:19:12.799 cigarettes now? I asked, holding the front of my t 302 00:19:12.960 --> 00:19:17.279 shirt up to my nose. Tina laughed, It was a joe. 303 00:19:17.839 --> 00:19:20.720 Mama used to smoke inside, and there wasn't a thing 304 00:19:20.799 --> 00:19:24.319 in the entire trailer that didn't smell like newport menthols, 305 00:19:24.559 --> 00:19:27.920 including all the old clothes in her closet. It was 306 00:19:27.960 --> 00:19:30.359 like she went on a shopping spree one time in 307 00:19:30.440 --> 00:19:35.400 nineteen eighty seven, and ever again after that. The day 308 00:19:35.440 --> 00:19:38.839 I turned sixteen, she took a ride on the cowcatcher 309 00:19:39.039 --> 00:19:43.440 of a southbound locomotive, leaving her broken down trailer and 310 00:19:43.519 --> 00:19:46.400 a whole closet full of eighties clothes for me as 311 00:19:46.400 --> 00:19:51.119 a parting gift. Her suicide was kind of a birthday present, 312 00:19:51.279 --> 00:19:54.480 I guess, since she was a frightening person and her 313 00:19:54.559 --> 00:19:59.119 clothes were all that fit me. Anyway, are you coming over? 314 00:19:59.279 --> 00:20:03.200 I want to show you something, Tina said. Ahead of me, 315 00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:07.000 I saw the hat man again. He had a toothpick 316 00:20:07.039 --> 00:20:09.920 in his mouth and his hands in his pockets. I 317 00:20:09.960 --> 00:20:13.640 didn't dare to tell Tina about him. I didn't tell 318 00:20:13.680 --> 00:20:17.200 her about any of them. She was my only friend 319 00:20:17.599 --> 00:20:21.640 and I couldn't lose her on account of my being haunted. Yeah, 320 00:20:21.799 --> 00:20:24.799 let's go, I said, turning my head away from the 321 00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:28.880 hat man. As we passed by him, I brushed his 322 00:20:29.000 --> 00:20:33.079 shoulder with mine and felt a sickening chill cascade down 323 00:20:33.200 --> 00:20:36.279 my back. I put my hands in my pocket so 324 00:20:36.359 --> 00:20:39.640 Tina wouldn't see them shake, and pressed my lips together 325 00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:43.799 hard against the feeling of nausea that bubbled up. We 326 00:20:43.839 --> 00:20:47.160 turned down the block to the neighborhood behind Main Street 327 00:20:47.200 --> 00:20:50.960 and walked the broken sidewalk toward Grandma's little bungalow at 328 00:20:50.960 --> 00:20:55.519 the end. Like me, Tina's parents were out of the picture. 329 00:20:55.880 --> 00:20:58.480 Her mom passed away when she was a kid, and 330 00:20:58.519 --> 00:21:01.759 her dad died in a car accident. It wasn't a 331 00:21:01.880 --> 00:21:07.440 unique story, though not for price. Tina's new Hatchback was 332 00:21:07.440 --> 00:21:11.880 in Grandma's driveway. It was probably fifteen years old, but 333 00:21:12.000 --> 00:21:15.960 it had all four wheels. It was painted cardinal red too, 334 00:21:16.359 --> 00:21:19.880 and that's all that mattered. Is this your getaway car? 335 00:21:20.160 --> 00:21:25.000 I asked excitedly. When Tina got accepted into college, the 336 00:21:25.079 --> 00:21:29.559 whole town seemed to celebrate. Kids around here barely finished 337 00:21:29.640 --> 00:21:33.039 high school, much less even attempted to do something with 338 00:21:33.160 --> 00:21:36.960 their lives. She was the star child in our pitiful 339 00:21:37.000 --> 00:21:41.920 little town, and to celebrate her, Grandma bought her a car. Yep, 340 00:21:42.240 --> 00:21:45.119 Tina said, running her hand on the hood as we 341 00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:47.880 walked past it. That's what I wanted to talk to 342 00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:51.839 you about. She sat on the front porch step and 343 00:21:51.880 --> 00:21:54.720 looked at her hands, and I sat down next to 344 00:21:54.759 --> 00:21:58.200 her and waited for her to speak. Sometimes it took 345 00:21:58.240 --> 00:22:02.000 her a minute to compile all her thoughts. Maybe all 346 00:22:02.079 --> 00:22:06.720 smart people were like that. I wouldn't know. I'm thinking 347 00:22:06.759 --> 00:22:10.519 about selling it and getting Grandma her money back, she said. 348 00:22:11.119 --> 00:22:14.519 The hell is all I managed to say. Why on 349 00:22:14.599 --> 00:22:17.400 earth would you do that? You have a ride out 350 00:22:17.400 --> 00:22:21.279 of here? This is all we've ever talked about. She 351 00:22:21.359 --> 00:22:24.039 looked at me and rolled her eyes and stared at 352 00:22:24.079 --> 00:22:27.480 her hands again, because we were supposed to go together, 353 00:22:27.759 --> 00:22:31.599 she said. I looked at my hands too. I knew 354 00:22:31.599 --> 00:22:34.920 i'd never leave Price, and I felt guilty about it. 355 00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:39.000 My heart sank at the thought of saying goodbye to Tina, 356 00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:41.400 and part of me wanted to cry and beg her 357 00:22:41.440 --> 00:22:44.240 to stay. But I couldn't do that to my best friend. 358 00:22:45.200 --> 00:22:49.880 I smiled and elbowed her playfully. You're not staying in 359 00:22:49.960 --> 00:22:53.920 Price for my sorry ass, I said. You know me, 360 00:22:54.319 --> 00:22:58.319 I always find my way. She picked a weed growing 361 00:22:58.400 --> 00:23:00.880 up through the wooden boards of the poor and started 362 00:23:00.920 --> 00:23:03.880 fussing with it. You could get a job out there, 363 00:23:04.039 --> 00:23:09.240 she offered. I laughed, what and leave all this, I said, 364 00:23:09.359 --> 00:23:14.000 presenting the Rundown neighborhood around us. Besides Price needs me, 365 00:23:14.480 --> 00:23:17.200 who else is brave enough to protect the neighborhood kids 366 00:23:17.240 --> 00:23:20.839 from the rodneys of the world. Tina threw the weed 367 00:23:20.920 --> 00:23:24.519 on the ground and crossed her arms. Price isn't the 368 00:23:24.640 --> 00:23:28.799 end of the road. Who hell, maybe Julesburg is. Don't 369 00:23:28.799 --> 00:23:32.279 you want to find out for yourself, she said. I 370 00:23:32.359 --> 00:23:34.680 chewed on my lip and pretended to think about what 371 00:23:34.839 --> 00:23:39.440 she said. If I were anyone but me, I would 372 00:23:39.440 --> 00:23:42.400 have said yes. But the funny thing about having a 373 00:23:42.440 --> 00:23:47.519 physically and emotionally abusive, alcoholic mother is at some point 374 00:23:47.599 --> 00:23:50.119 you start to believe all the terrible things she said 375 00:23:50.160 --> 00:23:54.640 about you. I was an ugly, overweight, good for nothing, 376 00:23:54.880 --> 00:23:58.160 waste of a child who ruined the motherhood she thought 377 00:23:58.200 --> 00:24:01.839 she deserved, and she know what every chance she got. 378 00:24:03.039 --> 00:24:06.000 And as if her feelings about me weren't enough, everyone 379 00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:09.359 in town seemed to share her sentiments about me too. 380 00:24:10.640 --> 00:24:13.079 When I dropped out of school, I don't think my 381 00:24:13.160 --> 00:24:17.559 teachers noticed. That's how it was in price though. If 382 00:24:17.599 --> 00:24:19.519 you fell out of school, there was no one there 383 00:24:19.559 --> 00:24:22.079 to pick you up and put you back. If a 384 00:24:22.160 --> 00:24:26.680 kid liked me disappeared, nobody noticed, and nobody cared. I 385 00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:29.880 sighed heavily and looked at the tattered brown grass in 386 00:24:29.920 --> 00:24:33.200 Grandma's yard. And when the train on the west side 387 00:24:33.200 --> 00:24:35.839 of town cut its horn through the air, I caught 388 00:24:35.839 --> 00:24:38.119 a glimpse of the hat man again. At the end 389 00:24:38.119 --> 00:24:41.279 of the block. He looked in the direction of the 390 00:24:41.359 --> 00:24:45.599 train back at me, and rocked on his heels. My 391 00:24:45.680 --> 00:24:48.079 stomach turned again, and I put my hands in my 392 00:24:48.200 --> 00:24:52.160 pocket before I started to shake. I felt the folded 393 00:24:52.400 --> 00:24:55.000 envelope in my pocket and thought about giving it to 394 00:24:55.079 --> 00:24:58.920 Tina before it was too late. A few weeks earlier, 395 00:24:59.079 --> 00:25:02.240 I cashed my life asked welfare check and put it 396 00:25:02.319 --> 00:25:05.319 in an envelope with a TOAT scribbled on it. Now, 397 00:25:05.319 --> 00:25:07.599 I kept it in my pocket, waiting for the right 398 00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:10.720 time to give it to her. I wouldn't be needing 399 00:25:10.759 --> 00:25:14.000 the money anyway. I wasn't ready to give it to 400 00:25:14.039 --> 00:25:19.039 her yet. Though I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I 401 00:25:19.079 --> 00:25:21.039